Freedom Wall: An Open Letter---Forgiveness and Healing

written by Queenie Mauhay

First, I want to forgive the friends who made me feel invalid. It's not that you did not treat me as your friend, but I was so dependent of the friendship that we had that I built a dream that I want but I forgot to see what you need. We have different views to respect and most of our ideals collide very much often, with that, it creates toxicity among us which suffocates everyone. I want to forgive you for making me feel hopeless in times that I even questioned my existence. I held onto your promise that you’ll always be there whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on, and I got lost when you let go. However, forgive me too for not noticing your struggles. We got different enemies to fight and I got blinded by my own monsters. I was not the friend you deem as strong and independent. Deep inside, I’m just me.

Second, I want to forgive the parents that I have. I want to forgive my father for telling me hurtful words that almost made me feel less of a person. I want to forgive him for not being the ideal father that I wanted and needed. I was so afraid of failing you that I worked hard all my life hard so that I can see that you’re proud, yet I ended up being a failure to myself. I wanted to forgive my father for not being the ideal person I wanted to adore. You may not be the father that everyone wants, but you still did your part as a parent. I want to forgive my mom for not being the mother of the year where other moms can be jealous of. I want to forgive her for not being the wisest, the sweetest and for not being the loveliest of all. I want to forgive her for the times she did not stood up for my sake; for not protecting me from everyone even to her husband. I want to forgive her for not being a mom when I needed to be. I want to forgive her because she deserves to be loved the way she gave everything she had. Thus, forgive me too, for being the imperfect son you ever had. I know that I did my best and hopefully, you see it too. I managed to stand up on my own. I learned to fight for myself, for my beliefs, for everything that I know, when you showed how unfair life is. I built the “Me” that I can finally be proud of after feeling unappreciated in the family.

Third, I realized that before I can forgive those people who have wronged me, who made me see the world in its despicable side, who made me feel unloved, I should forgive myself first. I want to forgive myself for being the weakest in my parents' eyes. For being the "dramatic and helpless one" to my friends, for being stubborn to the society, and for being the hateful one to my very own self. I must forgive myself for not being the “Me” that everyone wants. However, despite being imperfect towards everyone else, I managed to find myself. I found peace in my workplace. I found love from people I averted my eyes on. I found acceptance from people who openly loved me without expecting anything in return. I found my solace away from the world I built so hard for, I see my redemption in the people I ignored before.

With these, I can finally forgive you as I forgive myself.