Sometimes I Wonder

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THIS IS A BLACKCURRANT PRESS PUBLICATION

SOMETIMES I WONDER

Written by Wezlyn Todd Edited by Denise M. Johnson Copyright 2011

ISBN # 978-0-9840379-0-2

All rights reserved. Published in the United States of America by Blackcurrant Press. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of Blackcurrant Press Company.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Printed in the United States of America October 2011 FIRST EDITION


To my beloved mother, Marjorie Phyllis Todd, who taught me to never give up!


Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Sometimes I Wonder............................................................................................................... Journey.................................................................................................................................... The Dolls................................................................................................................................ The Boat................................................................................................................................. Beast of the Street.................................................................................................................. Naughty and Wild................................................................................................................... Bus Station............................................................................................................................. Adoption................................................................................................................................. Crocodile Tears...................................................................................................................... Immaculate Conception......................................................................................................... Good Luck.............................................................................................................................. Image and Likeness............................................................................................................... The Arrival.............................................................................................................................. Total Rejection........................................................................................................................ Exotic Orchids........................................................................................................................ Are You Married?................................................................................................................... Dangling Keys........................................................................................................................ The Visitor.............................................................................................................................. Face the Demon.................................................................................................................... Pay Back................................................................................................................................ Doomsday.............................................................................................................................. Daytime Bandits..................................................................................................................... Blast from the Past................................................................................................................ Immigration Appointment....................................................................................................... Corporate America................................................................................................................. Disappointed Mama............................................................................................................... Out of the Mouth of Babes..................................................................................................... A Slip of the Tongue............................................................................................................... Dilapidated Basement............................................................................................................ At Last.................................................................................................................................... Natty Locks............................................................................................................................ Pinky Toe............................................................................................................................... Survival of the Fittest............................................................................................................. Lovers Fight........................................................................................................................... Angel in the Midst.................................................................................................................. Don’t Believe My Eyes........................................................................................................... Confirmation.......................................................................................................................... Truth Hurts............................................................................................................................. Waking the Dead.................................................................................................................... Good News............................................................................................................................ Phone Call............................................................................................................................. River of Tears......................................................................................................................... Time Slips Away..................................................................................................................... Tribute to Ancestors............................................................................................................... Yellow Cab............................................................................................................................. Man of the Cloth.................................................................................................................... Voodoo Woman..................................................................................................................... Freedom................................................................................................................................ The Lover............................................................................................................................... Strange Mind......................................................................................................................... On the Run............................................................................................................................ Jealous Rage......................................................................................................................... Ghosts Invasion..................................................................................................................... Kitty Cat................................................................................................................................. Pain Killers............................................................................................................................. Miracle................................................................................................................................... Silent Killer............................................................................................................................. Witchcraft............................................................................................................................... Cutbacks................................................................................................................................ The Baby Sitter...................................................................................................................... The Cake............................................................................................................................... Happy Farewell...................................................................................................................... The Brat................................................................................................................................. Hot Potato.............................................................................................................................. Must Have It........................................................................................................................... Vertigo.................................................................................................................................... The Drunkard......................................................................................................................... Love is in the Air..................................................................................................................... Diva........................................................................................................................................ Yellow Porsche...................................................................................................................... No Proposal........................................................................................................................... Transformation....................................................................................................................... Papa Ubu............................................................................................................................... Dancing Goddess.................................................................................................................. The Conclusion......................................................................................................................

5 7 9 13 16 18 34 40 43 61 63 68 71 73 77 79 82 84 86 89 94 101 109 119 122 129 132 135 138 141 148 150 154 162 165 168 171 173 175 178 182 185 188 191 193 196 198 201 204 223 227 231 236 242 247 248 249 255 257 263 270 274 276 289 300 303 307 321 327 340 345 350 354 360 368


SOMETIMES I WONDER Written by Wezlyn Todd


SOMETIMES I WONDER

I

‘SOMETIMES I WONDER’

wake up embracing every dawn with a smile by giving thanks and praise, looking forward to the mystery the day holds for my journey! It gives me great pleasure in thanking the Creator for my life and for the precious gift of my son, Johnathan, who has brought added joy to my life. I thank you Johnathan for believing in me and for being you!

I take great pride in honoring my African ancestors because without them, it would not have been possible for me to be on this journey. Everyone who came into my life was for a specific reason and they all played a part in me being where I am today. I look forward to meeting many, many others along the way who are assigned to me on my earthly journey.

As a little girl growing up on the island of Trinidad in a little town called Tunapuna, I would open the back door of the house and my sister and I would go outside and play in the yard. On every given Saturday, it was the norm for our mother to be busy doing her laundry and hanging out the clothes on the line, using the wooden clothes clips to prevent the clothes from falling off the line. As a child, I was amazed to see the effects of the wind blowing on the clothes, drying them so quickly with the fresh aroma in the air. My mother would be seen running back and forth, checking on the food she had cooking and making sure it didn’t burn. She was an ace in multitasking and was very organized. One Saturday after I was done playing with my sister, Shelley, I sat on my grandmother’s old wrought iron rocking chair that had the two oldest comfortable cushions you could ever find, and the chair made the squeakiest noise. On that particular Saturday my mother saw that I was tired, more than usual, and asked me if I wanted to go inside and take a nap. I told her that I was feeling well. You see, that Friday when my sister and I came home from school, my mother gave us a herbal tea to cleanse our colon. We were up for most of the night running to the bathroom. Anyway, I told my mother that I was just tired from not getting enough sleep. Daddy was cleaning up the yard and he opened one of the coconuts that was laying under the coconut tree for me and told me that it would give me energy. After opening the coconut, he poured it into my favorite plastic cup and he left to go and look after his fifteen pedigree birds that he kept as pets. I sat there on the chair enjoying the birds singing and serenading their Creator. They were very happy, because they knew they would be fed. I was 5


relaxed and had my eyes shut for a few minutes. I felt my eye lids becoming heavy but I was not falling asleep as such. I was at a good place and began to have a conversation within myself. The questions were coming to me at a fast pace. I asked myself, who am I and why was I created? Why was I born? What was my purpose on this planet? Was I going to have an easy life? Why am I here? I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky and I wondered if there were lives beyond the sky. When I die, would that be the end of my life? Our dog had just died a few weeks ago. Her name was Sugar and we buried her in the back yard. I looked at the spot Sugar was buried in and wondered to myself if that was the end of Sugar, since she didn’t have a spirit or a soul. I somehow felt that there was a duplicate of me living beyond the sky or on some other planet; and if that was so, I believed in my little girl’s mind that my duplicate was very perfect and angelic in form. My curiosity instantly piqued when I wondered what the future had planned for me. A loud noise soon interrupted my day-dreaming. The strident bell sounding from the corner church was the funeral of an old man who lived in the village. It was his time to leave after ninety-nine years on Earth. His soul departed the world we inhabit everyday and transpired to a new place. Writt tteen by Wezlyn Todd

I stood up from the chair and my mother told me that I looked scared, but I was actually very happy. I reassured her that I was feeling really good. After day-dreaming on that Saturday, I began to pay particular attention to each day while looking forward to enfold great expectation. I desired to live the life of a princess and expected all the perks coupled with such royalty. I thought in my mind that a princess would not have a problem in the world and that her life would be smooth sailing.

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SOMETIMES I WONDER

M

‘JOURNEY’

y grandmother was a great storyteller. She loved telling us about her ancestors and their history. The tears flowed from her eyes and with sadness in her heart. Granny’s voice would tremble when she related the slaves’ experiences. She would pass down these stories to us as her grandparents did. “My dears, Shelley and Lynn, would you believe that some of those slaves were kings and queens?” Granny said. “Don’t believe all the lies you read in the history books. The slaves’ journey was the worse thing that could have happened to mankind.” Granny described to us how the slaves were cramped together on ships like packed sardines when they journeyed through the middle passage from Africa. “An animal was better off than a slave,” she cried. Granny’s story had an enormous impact on me. The tears in her eyes only made me weep. “Don’t cry! The slaves are in Heaven now. They are free from their daily torture and pain,” she reassured me. “They made the way for you to be free.” “Well don’t cry either,” I said, as she nodded her head in agreement. That did not pacify me at all, because I felt a connection with them, since their blood flowed through my veins. My African ancestors were robbed from the opportunity to live through their dreams nor see any of their visions come to pass. I promised myself that I was going to make them proud of me. I tried my best not to let them down in anyway and hoped to fulfill at least one of my ancestors’ dreams that they had sowed in their hearts and minds for themselves before I leave this earthly realm.

Every human being has a unique journey and no two people’s lives are the same. We have different ambitions and walk down different pathways with singular destinies. We are all here to learn from each other and hopefully learn our lessons before leaving this Earth. I believe we are all here to fulfill an assignment appointed by God. Some of us never had the opportunity to make our wrongs right, mainly because of our untimely passing or by the choices we have made in our lives. I sometimes wonder if some of us die before our time or if our assignment ended abruptly. I thought that we would all live to be 120 years old and die peacefully in our sleep. I realized that no one was spared from pain or death. It was equal for the rich and the poor. We have a tendency to put the blame on others for our failures in life. We do not accept our wrongdoings and love to point a finger at everyone else except ourselves. We take life for granted, forgetting that tomorrow is not promised to us. I was rudely awakened after 7


acknowledging we can be taken from this world at any moment. Writt tteen by Wezlyn Todd

Growing up in the beautiful island of Trinidad in the Caribbean was a phenomenal experience for me! I love my country with all of my heart. Trinidad is a euphoric paradise! We have the best weather in the world. As a little girl, I enjoyed looking up in the big blue sky. The admirable majestic heaven was often decorated with scattered puffy white clouds. Everyday I made a wish upon the baby blue paradise soaring above me. Occasionally, I would see a rainbow hugging a small portion of the sky. The rainbow lined the sky like a huge theatrical stage in the heavens. At night, the stars showed off their beauty by twinkling and pitching. What amazed me was noticing that no two stars were alike, just as we humans are not alike, but are all beautiful creations of God.

In Trinidad, we have a culture beyond cultures. My African ancestors left their surviving relatives with numerous traditions to carry on and honor. We inherited an enthusiastic rhythm in our souls and many other rich wonderful attributes that are too numerous to mention. According to the better part of the population, the rhythm of music resides in our genes. Let’s face it, we can dance. A young child in a crib to the oldest man in his rocking chair possess that special rhythm that permeates our culture. This rhythm is especially seen during Trinidad’s Carnival Festival. This jovial event takes place annually before Lent. During the carnival season, anyone can hear the ever-sweet pulsating beat of the steel pan men in various pan yards playing the steel pan. The steel pan is made from the oil drum—-Trinidad’s national instrument. Everyone enjoys the sound echoing throughout the village. Men and women sing calypsos in various tents built during that season. The Calypsonians energetic beats make the audience dance. Seated spectators gyrate their hips in their chairs. Trinidad’s Carnival Festival brings thousands of people from every facet of the world to experience the fun. Tourists line the streets with great anticipation to experience the grand celebration. Tourists enjoy the parading bands and the masqueraders as they go on the town in the midst of beautiful sunshine. Party-goers are drinking and being merry for two impressive days. Parade enthusiasts ranging in all shapes and sizes flaunt their costumes, along with their half naked bodies. The tourists enjoy every minute of it. This celebration takes place every Monday and Tuesday before Ash Wednesday. As soon as the clock strikes twelve at midnight on Tuesday, the music stops and everyone goes home. Carnival patrons leave sad and tired, but cannot wait until the party resumes next year.

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SOMETIMES I WONDER

I

‘THE DOLLS’

am blessed to have wonderful parents. Therefore, I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were disciplinarians but they disciplined us lovingly and did everything in moderation. My mother was mostly the disciplinarian whilst my father was more a laid back gentleman. I have one older sister named Shelley. My mother only had two children because she wanted us to live comfortable lives and not struggle as she did when she was a little girl because she lived in poverty. For the record, when my mother had my sister, she did not plan for any more children because of the excruciating labor pains she endured. A few months had passed and to her surprise, she learned she was carrying another child. I thanked God she had put aside her fears and brought me here to experience this wonderful and adventurous life. Obviously, she had a choice to have me or not, but I am happy for the choice she made. I am very happy to be in this world.

My sister and I were both born in the house with a midwife present to assist my mother during her delivery. My sister and I have very similar features and people thought we were twins. My mother dressed us in comparable clothing but people knew the difference because of our hair textures. My mother designed dresses for us from the same fabric. As little girls, we loved Christmas because there was such a different energy in the atmosphere. My mother was obsessed about Christmas and made new curtains and cushion covers every year. The chairs were polished and the floors were freshly vanished and shining. The floors were so glossy, it was like looking into a mirror. My sister and I loved sliding across the shiny, glossy floor. Every year on Christmas Eve my father painted the front and back stairs in a vibrant shade of red. Everything was new and refurbished for Christmas. My mother kept busy in the kitchen baking and cooking all day and night preparing for the special occasion. Daddy blew up different colored balloons and hung them on the curtain rods on the middle of the front door. It was such a great time of the year and they energy was utterly alive. People in the neighborhood were very busy with people walking up and down the streets, coming from shopping with so many bags in their hands and in their shopping carts. The poor people managed to find the means to buy gifts for their children and loved ones. Shelley and I looked forward to Christmas morning to see what goodies Santa Claus left us under the Christmas tree. I remembered opening my gift and receiving a Caucasian doll with long blonde hair. She had bangs covering her sky 9


blue eyes with long eyelashes like a camel. My sister and I got the exact doll, but the only difference in the dolls were their eyes. My sister’s doll’s eyes were green. My father bought two different colored eye dolls so that we wouldn’t get them mixed up. We were happy with our dolls and I used to comb and brush my doll’s hair every chance I got. As the days went by, somehow we weren’t too happy with our dolls’ hair anymore, because we had to pull and tug at it just to comb it. My sister and I played with the dolls for a very, very short period of time, and after two weeks, we did not play with them anymore. We did not have a connection with the dolls and soon grew bored. I ended up pulling out my doll’s hands and feet from her body, because I couldn’t braid her hair and it kept tangling which caused my tiny fingers to be bruised. As a result, my parents never bought us any more dolls after seeing what Shelley and I had done to them. Writt tteen by Wezlyn Todd

My sister and I got along extremely well and never had a physical fight throughout our years. My mother instilled the concept in us that we were to live very lovingly, because we are sisters and we both came from the same womb. She told us that all we have is each other and we must stick together no matter what. I used to be jealous of my sister, in a nice way, because she had very long, beautiful and soft hair; unlike my hair, which was thick, coarse and shoulder length. My grandmother said Shelley’s hair reminded her of a mermaid, because it was long and silky. I believed that mermaids really existed when I was a child. I was brainwashed into thinking that long soft hair was better than coarse Negroid hair. Having a lighter skin tone was another issue back in that era. My sister was a tad bit darker than myself and she mentioned it to me in fun. I would tell her I wish I had her long soft silky hair and she would respond by saying she wished she had my complexion. We would giggle with each other after the remarks. Our comments were all said in good humor.

My mother experienced poverty as a child growing up. She vowed that her children will never suffer the way she had. She refused to experience poverty again. Her parents were married and her dad abandoned the home when she had just turned two years old. My grandfather enjoyed his alcohol and was a womanizer. My grandmother worked extremely hard to take care of her three children. She never remarried and did the best to raise her children on her own. She did not ask anyone for help and did whatever it took to feed her family. My mother is a very spiritual lady and prays daily. My father was employed with the Government and worked long hard hours on the job. My father was a train driver. I must say, he was the best train driver in the whole wide world. My mother was a homemaker and she would try her hand at many things just to make ends meet. She became a “Jack of all trades”. I remember there being a school nearby, and my mother used to cook and sell food to the children and teachers on a daily basis. On very hot days, she would prepare her organic fruit drinks and would sell it outside of the house. She also found time, despite her busy schedule, to take a 10


SOMETIMES I WONDER sewing course. It wasn’t long before she began getting customers as the word got around the neighborhood that she was a seam mistress. My mother was a quick learner, although she did not have a high school education. My mother was naturally intelligent, because everything she got involved in turned out successful. I consider her a genius who applied wisdom.

My mother had amazing confidence. Anything she put her mind to do, she was going to do well. Styling hair was also her past-time. Women traveled from all over the island to have their hair styled by my mother… In those days, the hot comb was used to make the hair straight. My mother would hot comb women’s hair in her kitchen. The ladies would leave the kitchen with the most beautiful hair styles. Her flair for hair brought repeated customers to her salon in the kitchen. She would often remind my sister and I that poverty is a sin. She did everything possible for us to live a comfortable life. Living in poverty as a child had a serious effect on her, and that experience has made her the person she has become today. She learned from her endurance as a child and made something good out of it as an adult. My mother created her own destiny, which was to help herself be the best she can be. One thing that stood out was her great selfconfidence, and she believed in making an effort instead of not trying at all. She instilled in us that hard honest work always paid off.

After working very hard over the years, she saved a descent amount of money. She purchased a second hand grand piano from a well known musician who lived in the city of Port of Spain. She wanted my sister and I to learn to play the piano, because she wanted us to become independent adults and have something to fall back on in case we couldn’t find a job. My mother paid for us to go to music school. The music teacher was a distant relative so she did not charge us the full price; my mother was extremely grateful for that gesture.

The piano was not one of my favorite instruments, but I had to go along and do what I was told. My sister and I were very obedient to our parents. My mother always loved the finer things in life and she told us that although she grew up poor, she always felt like royalty within herself; Shelley and I would laugh whenever she said that to us. What an ambitious and beautiful woman! My father was a quiet man and not fussy at all. He was a gentleman and a very good dad who loved his children dearly. He possessed a cool temperament and I loved that about him. He did his job, all the while, avoiding confrontations. One great thing about my father is that he had perfect feet and his toes were always well pedicured. As a result of that, any man that came into my life, had to have well pedicured feet, or it would be very difficult for me to be in their company. My father was not one to raise his voice and quarrel like some other fathers. Although my mother was the disciplinarian, my sister and I had a little fear, because when we did not bring home a good school report my mother would say to us, wait 11


until your daddy comes home. When daddy arrived home, my mother ushered the report to him immediately. He’d sit on a chair and carefully examine our reports. When he was done, he called us, chastised us and told us in a strict tone to do much better next time. What I admired most about him was that he took great care of his ailing mother for many years until her dying day. He went to the city where she lived to visit her and spend time with her. A day never went by without going to visit his mother. He was a very devoted son. His mother had him out of wedlock and it was a struggle in those days because he was considered an illegitimate child. His father’s ‘justifiable’ children deemed him an outcast. Those judgments did not affect him as he grew into a decent man who took care of his family. My daddy went to be with the Lord at age 80 and I want him to know that I love him very much and was happy that he was my daddy. Writt tteen by Wezlyn Todd

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About the Author Wezlyn Todd is a world traveler with extensive experience in all things practical, and spiritual. Wezlyn brings her unique perspective on life to everyone and everything she encounters. She was born in Trinidad and Tobago and lives in New York and has one child, Daniel.



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