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REEFERFRONT TIMES
[DISPENSARY REVIEWS]
Tommy Chims Smokes Jane Dispensary’s Weed Written by
THOMAS CHIMCHARDS
T
he scientologists are not happy about Missouri’s new foray into medicinal marijuana. An April 18 newsletter sent out by the church-affiliated Citizens Commission on Human Rights of St. Louis, titled “The Proliferation of Weed in Missouri,” makes clear their opposition to the nascent industry. But interestingly, theirs is not the Reefer Madness fears of old that smoking the devil’s lettuce will lead to bouts of criminal insanity and wildly reckless behavior. Instead, the concern seems to be that it will become a tool for those dastardly psychiatrists to use to further ensnare and oppress their patients. “Cannabis can only chemically mask problems and symptoms, it cannot and never will be able to solve problems,” reads the newsletter in part. “People in desperate circumstances must be provided proper and effective medical care. Medical, not psychiatric, attention, good nutrition, a healthy, safe environment and activity that promotes confidence will do far more than the brutality of psychiatry’s unproven drug treatments.” Is this hyperbole? Sure. Is it also dangerous nonsense? You betcha. But wait, does anybody really care what the Church of Scientology thinks about cannabis anyway? Nah, not at all. It could make things pretty interesting at the next meeting of the neighborhood association, though. That’s because Jane Dispensary (6662 Delmar Blvd, University City; 314-464-4420) has just opened a mere two blocks away from the church’s St. Louis head-
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A “flower hour” sale offered a welcome discount on C4-branded strains during a recent visit to Jane Dispensary. | THOMAS CHIMCHARDS quarters — and their philosophy regarding weed’s psychiatric effects couldn’t be more different. According to its website, “Jane Dispensary not only offers premium cannabis products, but we’re committed to cannabis education.” They plan to host seminars and workshops to help customers “learn about safety, types of cannabis, and the physical and mental health contributions of cannabis.” As a person with an obviously malfunctioning brain and a lack of overall respect for the teachings of the church of scientology, I figured I’d stop in and see for myself what Jane’s products can achieve. Housed in the space that formerly held the Vault clothing store in the Loop, the dispensary has a boutique feel that sets it apart from other local shops — looking around its small, spare waiting room, words like “quaint” and “artisanal” and “small batch” all came to mind. I approached a woman behind a desk who asked for my medical card and ID, and who directed me to remove my mask and show my face to a security camera. The shop was packed when I arrived, owing to a “flower hour” flash sale that saw eighths being discounted at 40 percent off for 60 minutes only. I’d seen the sale advertised on social media, and based on the bustling atmosphere the day of my visit, evidently so did everyone else. Being that Missouri requires a one-to-one patient to employee ratio for all dispensaries, I had a seat for five minutes or so while I waited for a
MAY 5-11, 2021
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member of staff to emerge from behind the doors to the floor of the shop. Once inside, I told my budtender that I was here for the sale. She led me to the checkout counter, a long glass case that contains small jars of flower with magnified lids. The sale covered
only C4-branded strains; on hand during my visit were eighths of White 99, Bubba Fett, Wedding Cake and Gelato, as well as Flora Farms-branded Purple Diesel, Post Traumatic Purple and Blue Dream. I went with an eighth of the Bubba Fett and an eighth of the
S T H U G HIGHER THO From the altered mind of
THOMAS CHIMCHARDS Welcome to Higher Thoughts, wherein ol’ Tommy Chims smokes one strain from this review — in this case, Wedding Cake — and then immediately writes whatever comes to mind in the hopes of giving you, dear reader, a clearer picture of its overall mental effects: no rules, no predetermined word counts and, most crucially, no editing. Here we go: JANET PEERED AT the morning sunrise out her kitchen window before gripping her coffee mug and walking to her porch. She’d recently found that watching the bus pick up the local children for school was just the thing she needed to start her day, their smiling faces serving as a distraction from the loneliness that had crept into her life of late. But today, Janet wasn’t alone. To her surprise, she found a man in a disheveled suit sitting asleep next to a briefcase. She let out a surprised shout that awakened the man, who let out a surprised shout of his own be-
fore collecting himself. “Hello ma’am, the name’s Dorian Belle, door-to-door doorbell salesman,” he said, lifting himself off the ground. “I’ve been sitting on your porch all night long. Do you know why?” Dorian smiled as he delivered the pitch that had made “Dorian Belle” a household name in the high-stakes world of door-to-door doorbell sales: “Because you don’t have a doorbell.” In that moment, Janet knew that she’d be opening up her wallet today — and, maybe, also her heart.
Was that helpful? Who knows! See you next week. Thomas K. Chimchards is RFT’s resident cannabis correspondent and aspiring door-to-door doorbell salesman. Email him tips at tommy.chim@riverfronttimes. com and follow him on Twitter at @TOMMYCHIMS.
