Riverfront Times December 12, 2018

DECEMBER 12-18, 2018 I VOLUME 42 I NUMBER 50

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WELCOME TO ZOMBIELAND FOR FIVE YEARS, MARYVILLE STUDENTS HAVE GOTTEN A CRASH COURSE IN SURVIVING THE UNDEAD. NOW THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH BY ALLISON BABKA riverfronttimes.com

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THE LEDE

“ The property around here represents the church and it represents the people. I feel that if the church is in the neighborhood, it should be better. I believe that crime has gone down in this neighborhood, the poverty and some of the empty buildings have gone away. So I believe that everything should come up. We try to take care of our property.

We try to keep it fixed and cleaned, a place that is welcoming and representative of the God we say we serve.”

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PHOTO BY THEO WELLING

— AssociAte Minister DAle spivA, photogrApheD on DeceMber 8 outsiDe trAnsforMAtion church on the corner of pAge AnD Whitter riverfronttimes.com

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Publisher Chris Keating Editor in Chief Sarah Fenske

E D I T O R I A L Arts & Culture Editor Paul Friswold Music Editor Daniel Hill Digital Editor Jaime Lees Staff Writers Doyle Murphy, Danny Wicentowski Restaurant Critic Cheryl Baehr Film Critic Robert Hunt Editorial Interns Tom Hellauer, Desi Isaacson, Dustin Steinhoff Contributing Writers Mike Appelstein, Allison Babka, Sara Graham, Roy Kasten, Jaime Lees, Joseph Hess, Kevin Korinek, Bob McMahon, Nicholas Phillips, Tef Poe, Christian Schaeffer, Lauren Milford, Thomas Crone, MaryAnn Johanson, Jenn DeRose, Mike Fitzgerald Proofreader Evie Hemphill Cartoonist Bob Stretch

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By Lauren Marx, from her show Unravel: Paintings by Lauren Marx, opening at Hoffman LaChance Contemporary on Friday, December 14, and running through January 5.

INSIDE The Lede News Feature

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Welcome to Zombieland: A crash course in surviving the undead apocalypse

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A R T Art Director Evan Sult Contributing Photographers Mabel Suen, Monica Mileur, Micah Usher, Theo Welling, Corey Woodruff, Tim Lane, Nick Schnelle

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NEWS

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PETA Releases Undercover Video of Wash U Labs Written by

DANNY WICENTOWSKI

A

whistleblower who secretly filmed inside an animaltesting lab at Washington University is behind new allegations that the school’s animals are suffering from “neglect, incompetence and a culture of indifference.”

In letters sent to the university and two federal agencies on Wednesday, the national animalrights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, commonly known as PETA, called on officials to investigate the university’s labs for animal abuse and breaches in safety protocol.

Video shared with the Riverfront Times shows wet mice in cages. Another clip shows a caged pig near what appears to be a pile of excrement left on the floor.

Captions paired with the video (available on the RFT website) claim a lab employee played on his or her phone while a dog howled with pain from being cut open. Rodents are widely used in medical studies, and much of PETA’s video and complaints surround their treatment. Citing the whistleblower, PETA alleges rodents were stuffed in small cages and left to suffer, and others were stitched to each other to test treatments for sepsis. In some cases, PETA claims, the rodents were abandoned in flooded cages. In others, they died of dehydration.

In a statement from the whistleblower included in the video, the insider said of the lab, “The constant exposure to death and suffering [was] soul-crushingly difficult.”

Some of the allegations in PETA’s letter to Wash U included: • In order to save time, laborato-

In photos from a whisteblower, the foot of a pig sticks out of a bag in laboratory freezer (left), and mice live in very close quarters. | COURTESY PETA ry technicians walked between lower- and higher-level biohazard rooms without implementing proper protective measures.

• Some employees stuffed gas chambers with more mice than permitted by Wash U’s own guidelines, causing the animals to suffer slow, painful deaths.

• Mice were denied adequate pain relief after experimental surgeries. In some experiments, pairs of mice were stitched together along the length of their bodies and then viruses were injected into one mouse to see whether the other mouse developed antibodies to that virus over time. In other experiments, the tops of mice’s skulls were removed and a brain cap was surgically implanted.

• Employees cut the tips off mice’s tails for genotyping purposes, but failed to use a coagulant as is required by Wash U’s policies. The animals would bleed profusely and blood would be smeared across the cage walls.

PETA has long opposed the use of animals in medical research on practical and moral grounds, and while the animal rights group may be popularly known for its cringingly earnest marketing campaigns — such as the campaign to encourage people to stop using “anti-animal language” and de-

ploying naked activists to protest the fur and wool industry — in this case, PETA says it’s playing the role of an institutional watchdog.

There are no eye-catching gimmicks involved in its allegations against the flagship research university. Rather, PETA claims the evidence gathered from the unidentified whistleblower indicates the university has problems both in how it experiments on small rodents, rabbits, pigs and dogs — animals that are often killed in the course of the experiment — but also with what Alka Chandna, PETA’s vice president of laboratory investigations, calls “the larger issues” of how experiments are approved in the first place.

In a December 5 letter to Washington University Chancellor Mark Wrighton, Chandna wrote that the evidence shows “the extent to which the lives of the animals in Wash U’s laboratories are considered to be so meaningless, so expendable that they are used without any consideration to alternative methods of gaining knowledge.”

In addition to its letter to Wash U’s chancellor, PETA also sent letters to the National Institutes of Health and to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

In an email response to the allegations, Washington University spokeswoman Caroline Arbanas writes, “The humane, respectful care of research animals is a top

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priority at Washington University.”

The statement continues: “[W]e take seriously our responsibilities regarding research activities and facilities, including animal welfare. The university is regularly inspected by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the National Institutes of Health’s Office of Laboratory Animal Welfare, and the Association for the Assessment and Accreditation of Laboratory Animal Care.

“We cooperate with those entities to ensure that we are complying with applicable laws and standards. We encourage our employees and students to report any concerns about animal welfare to the university, and there are multiple ways to do so, including anonymously. All concerns are taken seriously and investigated appropriately.”

This isn’t the first time activists have targeted Washington University. In 2016, after years of protest over the use of cats in medical training programs, the school discontinued the practice.

Washington University has also come under fire for the deaths of three lab animals since 2017. The most recent was a dog that died while recovering from surgery in June. According to a report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the dog’s death may have been prevented, but “lab staff failed to contact the on-call veterinarian.” n

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Prosecuting People Ticketed For Feeding Homeless ‘Not a Priority’ Written by

DANNY WICENTOWSKI

W

hile its officers may continue to ticket people for handing out food without a permit, the city says it has more pressing matters than prosecuting people for trying to feed the hungry.

That’s the message from St. Louis Public Safety Director Jimmie Edwards, who on Tuesday responded to questions about why the City Counselor’s Office decided not to pursue cases against a local minister and activist, both of whom had been cited in October for distributing food to people who are homeless.

“Our focus is on violent crime. Issuing citations for this type of offense is not a priority for the City of St. Louis,” Edwards said in the press release, though he added that individual officers retain discretion to issue citations “within the scope of the law.”

“It is also within the discretion of the City Counselor’s Office not to pursue charges, as was the case in this incident,” Edwards said.

But attorney David Roland says the city’s cite-but-don’t-prosecute position is far from ideal, and he cautions the city’s position isn’t clear to those taking legal risks to put food in the hands of those who need it.

“Clearly, the city thinks it is unlawful, and they continue to hand out citations for it,” says Roland. “We’re just not clear why.”

Roland contends that even the city’s officers may be confused by the scope of the city’s laws. Roland’s clients, Reverend Ray Redlich and Chris Ohnimus, are part of the New Life Evangelistic Center’s homeless outreach efforts. The duo were

Ray Redlich (left) and Chris Ohnimus (right), shown delivering food to a homeless camp, were ticketed for distributing food in St. Louis. | NICK SCHNELLE patrolling downtown St. Louis on October 31 to distribute bologna sandwiches when they were spotted by a bicycle cop and written a ticket.

A copy of the ticket issued to Redlich shows he was cited for “operating without a permit,” but the officer left blank the space reserving the specific city ordinance that had been violated. The ticket included a court summons for December 4.

But when Roland and his clients showed up to municipal court that Tuesday morning, their case wasn’t on the docket. Roland claims that he still doesn’t know what ordinance his clients broke in the first place, and that even city prosecutors admitted they had no explanation for what permit was apparently required to hand out sandwiches.

This isn’t the first time St. Louis has tangled with groups setting out to feed the city’s beleaguered homeless. In 2013, the city’s health department notified a church group that they needed permits to hand out hot meals, even

STREAK’S CORNER • by Bob Stretch

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on private property. At the time, city officials argued that the potential for bacterial outbreak or food poisoning supports cracking down on even well-intentioned operations.

Roland says the argument has little merit and notes that Redlich and Ohnimus weren’t setting down lukewarm pots of stew on a park bench but rather handing out packaged sandwiches to people trying to survive on the streets. Still, they were cited.

“It’s a complete smokescreen,” he says of the city’s reasons for opposing similar food-distribution efforts. “I think there’s a much greater health concern with forcing someone to go without food than allowing them to have food prepared by someone who cares about their welfare.”

The legal issue isn’t just a technical quibble. The fact that the city won’t prosecute do-gooders doesn’t change the fact that officers are empowered to write citations against people trying to hand out food, forcing those people to show up

to court — an obligation that, if missed, could result in a warrant for arrest.

“You’re still inconveniencing people dramatically” by forcing them to show up to court, Roland notes. “This basically allows the city to harass without ever really allowing the people they’re harassing to paint a target on the problem.”

That’s why Roland says he wants to force the issue into a court setting, potentially through a federal lawsuit. As long as prosecutors keep dropping cases, he says, there will be no resolution to the issue. He warns that cities like St. Louis or Kansas City — whose own health department recently made headlines after its employees poured bleach on food meant for distribution — will keep finding ways to discourage or destroy grassroots efforts to feed people who are homeless.

“We want to see the judges weigh in on these questions,” Roland says. “Can the government really force you to get its permission before you share food with somebody else?” n

Game Over For Political Event at Silver Ballroom Written by

DOYLE MURPHY

P

inball is getting political in Bevo Mill.

Tony Pecinovsky, a candidate for alderman in the 14th Ward, had planned to start meeting voters on Thursday nights at the Silver Ballroom. But shortly before the first “Pints and Pinballs” event was to take place last week he was notified that the bar was pulling the plug. The reason? His opponent, incumbent Alderwoman Carol Howard, contacted the bar’s owner.

“I think it’s a misuse of power,” Pecinovsky says. “It’s a misuse of authority.”

Howard acknowledges she made the call, but she says she in no way pressured Silver Ballroom owner Steve “Doc” Dachroeden to cancel the event. As the south city ward’s representative since 2010, she has built a good relationship with the bar owner, supporting his efforts to add parking across the street and a crosswalk. When she learned his place was hosting an event for her opponent, she says she called to see if she had inadvertently done something to tick him off.

“I thought, ‘You know, I’ve worked with these guys. Did I step on his toes?’” Howard says.

She denies asking Dachroeden to cancel and says if he had decid-

Tony Pecinovsky says calling the bar was an underhanded tactic. | COURTESY NILES ZEE ed to host it, that would have been fine with her. She says she did not do anything anyone in her situation would not have done.

“If it was Mr. Pecinovsky and he had developed a relationship, he wouldn’t have done the same?” she askes. “I have a hard time believing he wouldn’t.”

She says she has been turned away from hosting fundraising events at venues in the past because of political conflicts.

“That’s politics,” she says.

Dachroeden says he doesn’t know much about neighborhood politics and when a manager had told him someone wanted to schedule a political event, he figured a party was a party and didn’t look any further into it. But when he learned later it was in support of Howard’s opponent, he immediately decided to scrap it.

“She’s done so much for me,” he says, adding, “I didn’t want to host a party that was going to go against her.”

He insists she never asked him to cancel Pints and Pinballs, and he made the decision on his own out of loyalty to her, not malice toward Pecinovsky.

“I didn’t realize what I was doing was going to cause a big thing,” he says.

On December 4, Pecinovsky posted on Facebook news of the cancellation.

“I would just like to say that it is unfortunate that bullying tactics are being used by Carol Howard and her campaign,” he wrote. “I sincerely wish her and her team the best of luck in this campaign. I hope we can set aside such distasteful actions as we move forward.”

The comments on the post quickly turned into a heated back and forth with defenders and critics typing away. A flame war on a neighborhood Facebook page soon caught fire, too.

Pecinovsky says he wants to make it clear that he likes the Silver Ballroom and is not asking his supporters to boycott. He lives about two blocks away and drops by to play pinball (he likes the machine with the X-Files theme) on occasion.

“I think the Silver Ballroom is a great bar,” he says. “I want to encourage people to continue to patronize it. I want to encourage people to spend their beer mon-

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ey there and spend their pinball money there.”

He says he does fault Howard and thinks calling the bar, even if she didn’t explicitly ask Dachroeden to cancel, was shady.

A longtime labor activist, he says he decided to run for alderman because Howard voted against raising St. Louis’ minimum wage in 2015, a core issue for him. The ordinance passed and briefly raised the minimum to $10 per hour before the state legislature and then-Gov. Eric Greitens derailed it with a law forbidding cities from setting a higher wage than the state minimum. (Howard did later support the much more modest increase of Prop B.) Pecinovsky says he figured a weekly meet-and-greet at a popular neighborhood bar would be a good way for people to get to know him and his stance on city issues, such as airport privatization (opposed) and supporting workers.

In the end, he moved the event a few blocks south, and just across the ward boundary, to the Heavy Anchor. He’s now calling it Pints and Policy. n

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ts en ud st lle vi ry Ma of p ou gr ct le se a s, ar ye For five . ad de un e th g in iv rv su in se ur co h as cr a en tt go have

Now the apocalypse is nigh

y alert buzzer THE SCREECH of an emergenc o broadcast. summons students to the vide rning to life,” “The bodies of the dead are retu fore clips of the ticker announces, just be ws anchors world leaders, scientists and ne ds of millions frantically explain that hundre exposed to a of people may die after being ishap in San virus thanks to a laboratory m Francisco.

of doctors rushes en sc as , st fa e m co s ite db Soun cilities and military ing through packed medical fa n zones splash io nt te de to in s nt tie pa g in ad le groups Continued on pg 16 s. en re sc ad iP ’ ts en ud across the st

O C L E W

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I B M O Z

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O T E OM

D N IELA

BY AL LI SO N BA BK A

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ZOMBIELAND

Continued from pg 14

“Anyone showing signs of a contagious illness will receive special treatment here, at the airport’s purpose-built quarantine center.”

“The mandatory quarantines have sparked civil unrest.”

“Containment is not very likely.”

“Those who aren’t killed by the virus will probably die in the fighting, so maybe this is it. This is how it ends. Pretty soon, there won’t be anyone left.”

The broadcast suddenly cuts to a newsroom, empty except for a desk where a man with bloody bandages around his head holds a script and prepares to read to the camera. Next to him, a woman in a patient gown is unconscious, her arms restricted by thick chains and her face covered by some sort of respiratory mask. Her lifeless body slumps over the desk.

“Hello, this is Dr. John Marino broadcasting on the emergency system,” the man reads. “If you are a survivor, there’s a safe zone established. It will be available Monday at 9 a.m. in Kernaghan 3136, Maryville campus.” The video screen behind him shows b-roll of the military shooting chaotically at a horde of zombies surging into a fenced-in area.

Marino repeats the safe-zone instructions, adding, “Do all you can to survive.” Then the broadcast abruptly cuts out, replaced with black-and-white snow.

And with that, eighteen Maryville University students are welcomed into HUM 297H: Are You The Walking Dead? — or, as it’s better known on campus, “the Zombie Class.”

The Outbreak

Despite being five years old, the Zombie Class has remained a big mystery on the Maryville campus — a secretive club whose inner workings are known only to students, class alumni and professors.

Sure, undergrads can find information about how the class might align with their interests or which core requirements it satisfies.

“This course will use the thought experiment of the premise that the popular ‘zombie apocalypse’ has taken place,” the syllabus promises. “Within that construct, students will examine their ideas about survival, ethics, quality of life, communication, core beliefs, and social mores. Parallels and discussions will be drawn to other times of crashed society constructs in history as a way of exploring human responses. When

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Maryville professors John Marino and Kyra Krakos are wrapping up their fifth and final year of classes based on “The Walking Dead” and other works from the horror and fantasy genres. | THEO WELLING the zombie apocalypse happens, who are the walking dead?”

But the day-to-day occurrences? The projects that make some students scream, cry and nearly give up? The physical and mental tests of perseverance? What happens in zombieland stays in zombieland.

Until now, that is. With the Zombie Class in its final semester, professors Kyra Krakos and John Marino agreed to let in a journalist.

Krakos and Marino debuted the class in 2014 at Maryville, a private university in suburban Town and Country with about 2,700 undergrads. It seemed like a perfect time and place to focus on The Walking Dead, one of the biggest comic book and television titles in history.

In both mediums (launched in 2003 and 2010, respectively), the plot begins like this: Sheriff Rick Grimes is shot while on the job and ends up in a coma, waking in his hospital bed a month later to find that his facility — and city — are completely abandoned except for the ravenous undead. He begins a years-long journey that has him making hard decisions about humanity, community, government and survival.

And there’s blood. Lots of blood.

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It was against this backdrop that Krakos and Marino began exploring how to entice students to learn by employing an interdisciplinary gamification system wrapped up in pop-culture goodness. Educators have long tried to shake up teaching, with a variety of successful (and notso-successful) methods to help students think critically and lean into their blossoming abilities and interests. Krakos and Marino combined that innovation with group competition and a direct hook to the sociological aspects of The Walking Dead. Adaptability.

Information gathering. Identity.

Traditions. Class. Rights. History.

Ethics. Leadership. Justice. Survival. All of it, they decided, could be examined in a post-apocalyptic world that they and their students would build together.

They had students deconstruct novels and short stories about war, horror and exclusion, including The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas by Ursula K. Le Guin, Freedom Summer by Bruce Watson and Alive: The Story of the Andes Survivors by Piers Paul Read.

They also assigned viewings of The Walking Dead. They examined Shane’s dark turn, Carol’s newfound strength, the Governor’s

horrific rise. They contemplated the lengths they might go to find food or protect their family members. They considered what to do with people who wouldn’t play by a new society’s rules.

Krakos and Marino make for an odd couple, academically speaking. Krakos is an assistant professor of biology — a scientist who studies evolution in plants, with a focus on pollination and conservation. She’s a fast talker who gushes when she gets excited about a subject or sees that people are digging what she’s saying. Marino, who specializes in the Arthurian grail legend in literature, is her temperamental opposite. The associate professor of English is more reserved, with a tendency to reflect on multiple subjects when asking questions or patiently explaining the genesis of an idea.

But both are sci-fi and fantasy aficionados, with bookshelves full of alien invasions and horror stories that center around one question: “What does it mean to be human?” Together, Krakos and Marino studied the worldbuilding within those classics and pulled together elements that would challenge students to think from every angle.

Their first Walking Dead class was a university seminar, a course for first-year students to acclimate to Maryville while intensely exploring an interesting topic in a small-group setting.

They deliberately provided a light syllabus so as not to give away what students would encounter in the classroom: quarantine signs, crime tape and plastic body parts.

On day one, guards in HAZMAT suits scanned students for “contaminants” before sorting them according to some unspoken code.

It was the first indication that the class would be unsettling on more than one occasion.

A red envelope graced with an infinity symbol contained each week’s theme. “The zombie apocalypse is happening, so grab your group, pack a car and get out of town,” the assignment might say.

And then, just as everyone began to settle in, the professors produced the red dice that would alter students’ paths for the rest of the semester. Every week, chance threw a new wrench into survival plans. *dice roll* “Wait, you don’t have a can opener for those green beans.

Now what?” *dice roll* “Wait, there’s no gas in your car.

Can you explore the area and find some?” *dice roll*

“Wait, one of your group members has been bitten. Will you try to heal his wounds or shoot him immediately?”

There were grumbles as students had to form new alliances and solve unexpected hitches on a regular basis. Assignments often went well beyond writing essays.

One week, the students were challenged to consume only non-perishables and water for seven days, triggering particularly loud complaints. The professors assured students that the food challenge was safe and that bodies can quickly adapt to new feeding situations (introduced to the idea by a professor in grad school, Krakos had herself completed it). For the Maryville students — particularly athletes — who were used to eating several freshly prepared meals each day, surviving on canned green beans, peanut butter and condiments was a shock to the system, but it helped them think through their bodies’ adjustments as well as the mental tests that a lack of adequate nutrients can create.

Gradually, the students understood that they were starting from scratch. Through their everchanging teams — which often saw students “suffering” from ailments or even “dying” from zombie bites — they could move through a post-apocalyptic world and rebuild a new society, deciding to draw on what they know or trying a new direction. But to do so meaningfully, they had to consider who comes out on top, who gets left behind and how that connects to the United States today. It was an educational role-playing game on steroids.

“Just gamifying the class like that really gets them invested and involved in what’s going on,” Marino says. “We’re putting them into a scenario that’s fictional and trying to draw connections to the real world.”

The element of surprise was key to fully absorbing all of the lessons, so at the end of the first semester the class was offered, the students swore an oath. They would never talk to anyone outside of the class about what they did. It was secret. Powerful.

As expected, that first class in 2014 drew students who already were into The Walking Dead or who assumed (wrongly) that a class about zombies would be one they could coast through. But in subsequent years, the mystery surrounding what Krakos and Marino had created became almost as enticing as the subject matter itself.

“As a student in the class, I had no clue what was going on,” says Deanna Deterding, a senior en-

in this class it’s a little different because I can’t give away what’s going to happen next,” she says.

“So if students asked me about what would happen in the next week, I had to be like, ‘Sorry, I’m under oath. I can’t say anything.’”

Pleased with the initial class, Krakos and Marino applied for a Scholarship of Teaching and Learning grant to continue the class and study it as gamification.

“Our ‘gamified’ setting is effective because we teach our students real-world science and challenge them to critically think in a roleplayed gamified setting to apply the principles of that science and communicate their choices by way of the reflective writing of the humanities — our truly crossdisciplinary methodology,” Krakos and Marino wrote in their grant request. Awarded the money, they went on to offer the class as a seminar for four more years. It’s now part of the Bascom Honors Program at Maryville, and this semester they are offering it for what they say will likely be the last time.

Even after five years, though, Krakos and Marino still have plenty of surprises in store for their students, including bringing back zombie alums to assist.

“Once a zombie, always a zombie,” Marino says with a grin.

The Herd

TOP: Maryville University students in HUM 297H prepare to outwit zombies on a flag football-like obstacle course — something their professors sprung on them only moments ago.

MIDDLE: A student dodges a zombie, recalling lessons from class viewings of The Walking Dead.

BOTTOM: Donning “plague doctor” masks, Maryville professors Kyra Krakos and John Marino hold an envelope that will change the fates of their eighteen students learning about survivalism, history and sociology from pop culture.

PREVIOUS PAGE: Two students size up the zombies in their path. | THEO WELLING vironmental-science major who enrolled as a first-year student.

“Every week was a surprise, so it was kind of intimidating and a little bit scary, because you’re like, ‘What are they going to do next?’

All of the other seminars sounded

interesting, but this one sounded really cool. I’d never taken a class like that — a zombie class.”

Later, Deterding enjoyed reliving some of the stress of the experience as its teaching assistant. “I’m supposed to help the students, but

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The students of HUM 297H gather in front of Reid Hall wearing mild looks of worry as they plop their backpacks onto red metal benches near a large swath of grass.

It’s Halloween — a gray, drizzly morning on campus — and they aren’t sure what’s in store.

The students are about halfway through the class, and they’ve already dealt with famine, disease and conflicting personalities both through reading and through unconventional real-life challenges.

But today is even more unusual; today they have been told to meet outside. All Krakos and Marino suggested in recent days was to wear clothing that’s easy to move around in. The students have obliged, arriving in hoodies, athletic pants and sneakers, but they can’t help but wonder about ... well ... everything.

Krakos and Marino inspect a few mysterious bundles and chat quietly with each other before sending the students to the far end of the grass near Gander Hall.

Krakos holds up a flag-football belt, one rubbery ear affixed to each of the two blue and green fabric strips flapping in the wind.

“This is what you’re trying to have

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ZOMBIELAND

Continued from pg 17

survive,” she says.

“Oh my God, nooooooo!” one girl shouts, understanding the game almost immediately.

Each person on a three- or fourmember team — the same survival groups that the students have been in since a shake-up a few weeks ago — will wear belts with two ears as they hustle through a mass of zombie volunteers within a confined area. If the slow-moving zombies snatch an ear, it counts as a bite; the ears that make it to the other side will be added up as team points.

Over three rounds, the field becomes smaller, with the zombie population increasing to reflect the density of St. Louis, then New York City and finally Dubai. The question for the teams is whether they can make it through these “cities” with all members (and their ears) surviving, or whether

starting to shuffle onto the grass.

On Krakos’ cue, they begin to groan hungrily.

Group one heads to the starting line and chats as Marino grins from the other end of the field. After Krakos gives the signal, the team of four jumps into the game area and tries to bolt around the hungry zombies. Ashley quickly loses both of her ears and “dies” as her teammates press ahead, somewhat stymied by the number of zombies within the narrow gauntlet.

Mady makes it through without being “bitten,” while Reid and Madison each survive with one ear.

“I just tried to slip through as fast as I can and tried to push people with my shoulder so they couldn’t grab my ears,” Mady explains. “I guess it worked — I didn’t lose any.”

“I was just trying to go where people weren’t,” Reid adds.

The four other teams try their luck with varying degrees of success, with many teams running straight through or feigning to

“Gamifying the class really gets them invested and involved in what’s going on. We’re putting them into a scenario that’s fictional and trying to draw connections to the real world.” they’ll have to get creative and sacrifice friends for the good of the group — as characters have done on The Walking Dead.

“So where are my dead people?” Krakos asks. Students who had “died” during previous rolls of the mystery dice raise their hands. “Your ears don’t count, but you do have to run through with them and they can count against you,” Krakos tells them. “I know, I know. ‘It’s so unfair.’

“And where’s the survivor with ‘pneumonia’? Yeah, pneumonia left you with damaged lungs, so you can’t run; you can only walk,” Krakos continues as students grumble. “All of you, you can’t hit the zombies. You can’t hurt the zombies. You can’t smack the zombies. You’ve just got to get through. Your entire grade is based on how many ears get to the other side.”

Students look apprehensively at the small field, questioning whether they can dodge not only the volunteer zombies but also a few trees, a child-sized Disney tent and a wheeled plastic cart.

But the herd of zombies — made up of Zombie Class alumni as well as a psychology class -— is already

the side before zipping past the zombies the other way. With each attempt, the students think more carefully about strategy. One team forms an outward-facing circle and moves as a single unit.

Another tries to ram the plastic cart through the zombie herd so that at least a few students have a chance at reaching safety.

After the professors condense the field to the smallest boundaries — about a twenty-foot square — a group even grabs the polyester tent, pulls it over their heads and tries to use it as a shield while running, only to collapse together when the zombies swarm.

“Every year, some group tries the tent thing, and it’s always a cluster-disaster,” Krakos whispers as students try to rebuild the smashed tent. “It always seems like a good idea to them, but you’ve got to think it through.”

“We tried making a circle, we tried piggybacking,” remembers Alison Riddle, a junior who took the class as a first-year and stopped by to watch the day’s action. “The team that won my year had a kid in an electric wheelchair.

Everybody hopped on and he put it on at full speed, and the zombies

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were worried about their toes, so they just got out of the way.”

She adds, “I miss this a lot.”

People are pushed. Boundaries are crossed. Risks are taken. Tents are broken. The final ear tally will have to wait until Krakos and Marino compare notes, but one thing is certain by day’s end.

These students are survivors.

The Bite

Krakos and Marino put their students through the wringer over the course of the semester. Challenges to group dynamics. A seemingly impossible escape room. An in-class funeral.

But the week before Thanksgiving break, the students have a surprise of their own for Krakos and Marino. They’ve been studying leaders at times of war, examining their big speeches, thinking about their hard choices and comparing their actions to the slaughter, selfishness and even inspiration on The Walking Dead. And in HUM 297H’s post-apocalyptic world, it’s now time for the five teams to put forth their own plans for government and laws. It’s time to rebuild society.

The professors have seen it all before. But this year, it’s different.

As Krakos and Marino approach

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Volunteer zombies practice their undead shuffling before “attacking” students in Marino’s and Krakos’ “Are You The Walking Dead?” class. | THEO WELLING Kernaghan 3136, they find two male guards waiting for them outside the familiar “quarantine zone” door. They’re dressed in head-to-toe black, wearing sunglasses and holding lacrosse sticks. Their expressions stony, the guards usher the professors into the dark classroom.

There, the rest of the students —

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clad in black like the guards — are standing in a circle. The guards point Krakos and Marino to two desks on opposite sides within the circle, a place setting and an envelope waiting for each of them.

(Krakos later explains just how thrilling the moment was: “We were giggling with excitement because, oh my gosh, it’s everything

we want from them, you know?”)

The guards move to block the sightline between Krakos and Marino, and a student in the circle sternly orders, “No talking!” Another student takes notes on all activities as if he were a court reporter, deliberately avoiding eye contact with the professors.

The presentation begins. The five communities declare unification: They are now one settlement named Blagden, which means “dark valley.” Based on aptitude tests, all members will participate in task groups that take care of Blagden’s needs: security, agriculture, scavengers/weaponry, building and repair, scouting and health care. A council comprised of one representative from each task group will serve as the judiciary, preventing any single interest from rising above the others.

Tuesday mass is required by law.

Weekly medical checkups are mandatory. Blagden is peaceful, so the settlement will not go to war unless attacked first.

One more thing: Blagden is “situationally cannibalistic.” The work of finding and preparing that food falls to the “agriculture” group.

People who stumble across Blagden will be captured and preContinued on pg 21

ZOMBIELAND

Continued from pg 20

sented with two choices: join or be eaten. “Those who decide to join us will then be initiated into the society by eating human meat which will be presented in the form of people jerky. Those who refuse our society will be stored in a cell for later use,” the presenters declare.

There’s a long backstory about Blagden’s first settlers cutting out and sacrificing their tongues as a vow of silence to a goat god named Adron in exchange for his protection and guidance. Today, the tongues of Blagden’s prisoners are offered to Adron during Tuesday mass.

Marino is beaming.

“Will you join us for dinner?” the students ask. Krakos and Marino open their envelopes to find a bloody note with the same question.

On their plates: jerky. Symbolic human jerky.

“Well,” Krakos says, looking again at Marino. “All hail Adron.”

“I’m hungry!” Marino exclaims.

Both pop their jerky into their mouths, signifying their acceptance of Blagden’s rules.

Stoic during the entire presentation, the class now cracks up and turns on the lights, excited to tell their professors about how they planned everything and what they learned: where they found fake blood, how they learned that religion could keep people in line, how many times they used messaging and Reddit to communicate ideas, why they thought Marino would be more into Blagden’s laws than Krakos.

“It’s horrific and dark, and they’re adding religion into the mix,” Krakos explains later. “I looked at John, and he’s got this big smile on his face because it’s very Lord of the Rings.”

Beyond that, though, the presentation shows how the class is living up to the professors’ aims.

“We were so pleased because they were demonstrating all three of the goals of our class: communication, community, critical thinking. It’s really hard to form a government. It’s really hard to write a constitution,” Krakos says.

“This is exactly the kind of initiative and engagement we want. We are so proud of them.”

But just as quickly as Blagden is formed, it has to end. This week, the final week of the semester, every student will open a red envelope and learn that they’ve been bitten by a zombie. They’ll write personal statements — their own

obituaries — and complete one last scavenger hunt that has layered meanings.

And then they will die.

The Oath

The eighteen students of the 2018 fall semester’s HUM 297H are the last at Maryville to explore handson the implications of a zombie apocalypse, at least for now. With The Walking Dead in its ninth season, zombies are starting to lose their “it” status, and Krakos and Marino are ready to wind down their elaborate scholarly exercise.

That makes these students the last at Maryville to carry a manual can opener at all times, just in case. The last to dread the red envelope of death and disease.

The last to be scanned for contaminants.

And during their final exam, they’ll become the last to take the ceremonial oath of silence, vowing not to reveal the class’ assignments, expectations or twists to anyone. “The first rule of zombie class: Don’t talk about zombie class,” class alumni insist. The eighteen students here are the last of the small, secret club. Sure, some tales will be passed around now that there are no more points to award. But not everything.

Not the good stuff. Despite what’s shared in this story, there are still class mysteries that even a reporter can’t crack.

As for Krakos and Marino, they’re hungry to create something new.

They may explore world-building in another class with a different pop culture property as the hook, but for now they have no definite plans beyond presenting their zombie findings to other educators and getting back to their core biology and literature courses.

And who knows? Entertainment is cyclical. Zombies might eventually make a comeback.

But today, it’s time to drive the knife through the five-year-old zombie class’s brain.

“Next fall is when it will really be hard. It’s like a grief process,” Krakos says. “I’m going to miss working that closely with John. He’s two doors down from me and we’ll always collaborate on things, but that intense partnership is such a treat. I didn’t expect that we were going to world-build like that.

“We’re going to miss our zombies. We really get close to these kids. But I also know that the worst thing you can do is stay too long at the fair with a concept,” Krakos continues. “I’ve been a zombie professor for five years, and I love that title. I’ve really, really loved being a zombie professor.” n

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CALENDAR

BY PAUL FRISWOLD

THURSDAY 12/13 Who’s a Mean One? Who would want to steal Christmas? Well, if you’re an anti-social grouch who hates the happy sounds of singing and good cheer, you’d go to drastic measures for silence. The Grinch is just such a surly character, and with his faithful dog Max he attempts the wholesale theft of a holiday. Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! The Musical brings the holiday staple to the stage, with sets and scenery inspired by the book’s drawings, and songs borrowed from the TV special. Performances are at 7 p.m. Thursday and Friday, 11 a.m., 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. Saturday, and 1 and 5 p.m.

Sunday (December 13 to 16) at the Stifel Theatre (1400 Market Street; www.stifeltheatre.com). Tickets are $32 to $82.

FRIDAY 12/14 Red in Claw Lauren Marx’s fascination with the animal kingdom was fueled by countless childhood trips to the Saint Louis Zoo. This interest in biology led to mythology, particularly the stories in which animals speak and serve as symbols for old gods and primordial power. All of this informs Marx’s art, which depicts the natural world refracted through the visual language of legend. (That’s her piece, The Struggle of the Apathetic Saint, on the RFT’s cover.) Birds and snakes tear each other open while halos of moths swirl around them; ruptured fruits burst forth from open wounds, their seeds spilling forth. Her backgrounds are sparse, only a sinuous branch or a cluster of leaves hanging in a white void. Do these endless battles represent old worlds being destroyed or new worlds being born from flesh and blood, and tooth and claw? Her exhibition Unravel: Paintings by Lauren Marx at Hoffman LaChance Contemporary (2713 Sutton Boulevard, Maplewood; www.hoffmanlachancefineart.com) offers you

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The Arch Rival Roller Girls are back in action. | BOB DUNNELL the opportunity to puzzle it out for yourself. Unravel opens with a free reception from 6 to 10 p.m. Friday, December 14. The show continues through January 5, and the gallery is open from noon to 3 p.m. Saturday and Sunday.

Tchaikovsky Time Saint Louis Ballet has long performed Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker at Christmas, but this year the company goes all out with thirteen performances of the crowd-pleasing classic. In it young Clara receives the gift of a handsome nutcracker, which her brother breaks. When Clara later sneaks downstairs to check on her gift, she discovers an army of attacking mice, led by the Mouse King. Suddenly the nutcracker grows to life-size, and a desperate Clara distracts the Mouse King long enough for her nutcracker

DECEMBER 12 - 18, 2018

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prince to defeat the enemy. The duo escape to the Land of Sweets, where much dancing and happy times commence. The Saint Louis Ballet incorporates special effects and grand sets to create a proper holiday spectacle. The Nutcracker is performed Wednesday through Sunday (December 14 to 23) at the Touhill Performing Arts Center on the University of Missouri-St. Louis campus (1 University Drive at Natural Bridge Road; www.stlouisballet.org). Tickets are $35 to $72.

SATURDAY 12/15 Round and Round The Arch Rival Roller Girls start their lucky thirteenth season of flat track roller derby with an expanded roster of four home teams and two bouts. The Stunt Devils

and the Smashinistas resume their long rivalry at 6:30 p.m. Saturday, December 15, at Queeny Park’s Midwest Sport Hockey (570 Weidman Road, Ballwin; www.archrivalrollerderby.com). After the dust settles, the Rebel Skate Alliance dukes it out with the M-80s. If you haven’t been to the roller derby in a while (or if this will be your first bout) you should familiarize yourself with the rules, which are on the league website. The short version is that five skaters from each team take to the rink and try to prevent the opposing team’s jammer from lapping the pack. If a jammer gets past every opposing skater, they score a point for their team. It’s a fast-paced game that requires both physicality — the other team physically blocks the jammer, which results in falls and collisions — and strategy. Tickets are $8 to $15 and kids younger than ten are free.

WEEK OF DECEMBER 13-19

Songs of the Season There are plentiful musical options during the holiday season, but those in the know always make time for the Gateway Men’s Chorus Christmas show. ’Twas the Night is the name of this year’s event, and it includes traditional carols as well as contemporary songs such as “Grown Up Christmas List” and “Hanukkah in Santa Monica.” ’Twas the Night is performed at 8 p.m. Friday and Saturday (December 14 and 15) at the Union Avenue Christian Church (733 North Union Boulevard; www.gmcstl.org). Tickets are $20 to $25.

Unsilent Night Krampus has lately been on a bit of tear in America. The goat-demon traditionally appears in Central European countries during early December to scare bad children into being good; he’s the raging yang to Santa’s sober yin. We may have been slow to adopt the beastie, but he’s making quick inroads — and he’s in St. Louis for one night only.

The Darkness (1525 South Eighth Street; www.scarefest.com) opens up for an evening of holiday horror with Krampus’ Haunted Christmas from 7 to 10 p.m. Saturday, December 15. Expect Christmas lights, candy, evil elves and a demented Santa Claus, as well as the big, shaggy man-thing himself.

Tickets are $25 and going fast.

a-longs, a visit from Santa and a nearby Christmas tree lot. If you get shopped out early, enjoy Das Bevo’s outdoor fire pits and hot chocolate, or head inside for a full meal. Admission is free.

MONDAY 12/17 A New War Story It’s been exactly 100 years since World War I ended, and the rapid pace of technological advances (both in war and peace) makes it seem to be even further back in time. But technology, as the soldiers of the Great War discovered, is a double-edged sword. Peter Jackson used the latest film restoration processes to create his new documentary about the war, They Shall Not Grow Old. He transformed the grainy, black-and-white contemporary footage not just into color stock but modern 3-D digital files, which are supplemented by archival interviews with the British soldiers who lived through the conflict. The result is startling.

They Shall Not Grow Old shows the war as a generation of young men experienced it. The film is shown at 4 and 7 p.m. Monday, December 17, and 1 and 4 p.m. Thursday, December 27, at the AMC Creve Couer 12 (10465 Olive Boulevard, Creve Coeur; www.fathomevents. com). Tickets are $16.25. n

It’s gonna be a Krampus kind of Christmas. | SCAREFEST.COM

SUNDAY 12/16 ’Tis the Season Have you run out of gift ideas for friends and family? Don’t worry, the Strange Folk Festival has you covered with its Wundermarket and the Snow Queen’s Cottage at Das Bevo (4749 Gravois Avenue; www.strangefolkfestival. com). A heated tent will be set up in the biergarten, selling handmade goods from more than 30 artists from noon to 8 p.m. Saturday and 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Sunday (December 15 to 23). In addition to the unique shopping opportunity, there will be seasonal sing-

Peter Jackson’s new documentary brings World War I to life. | COURTESY OF FATHOM EVENTS

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FILM

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[REVIEW]

Random Access Memory Alfonso Cuarón makes a masterpiece out of his childhood memories in Roma Written by

ROBERT HUNT Roma Written and directed by Alfonso Cuarón. Starring Yalitza Aparicio, Marina de Tavira and Diego Cortina Autrey. Opens on Netflix.com and at the Landmark Tivoli Theatre on Friday, December 14.

F

ilmmakers draw material from their childhood in a variety of ways. Many in our postSpielberg era simply draw on the kind of stories or movies they liked when they were young, yielding to contrived superhero tales and fantasies that tend to display more enthusiasm than invention. Others try to retell the events of their own past, often filtered through an opaque curtain of nostalgia and narcissism. Rare is the filmmaker who can turn to their own past with a clear eye and no self-serving revisionism.

Alfonso Cuarón’s Roma is — let’s just get this out of the way — a masterpiece of contemplative memory. Set in the early ‘70s, a time when change was in the air and Jesus Christ Superstar was on every sophisticated music lover’s turntable, the film recreates events that occurred in the director’s household during that time, but it’s not exactly autobiographical. We can assume that one of the children in the story is a surrogate for the filmmaker (born in 1961), but he’s not the center of attention. This isn’t a comingof-age story; Like L.P. Hartley’s The Go-Between, it’s a story of the past told in reflection by a narrator who can see in retrospect the themes and events that he ignored as a child.

Roma takes place mostly in

Roma depicts the Mexico City of Alfonso Cuarón’s memory. | CARLOS SOMONTE

Space is dramatic and physical, whether it’s the vast, mud-soaked terrain of a poor village or a crowded party in a middle-class living room. a middle-class home in Mexico City’s Colonia Roma district, where Cleo (Yalitza Aparicio) is one of two maids trying to keep up with the demands of a couple with four children, an unruly dog and a rapidly unraveling marriage. Facing an unwanted pregnancy, the volatility of the household and a turbulent, violent society (Cuarón vividly depicts the 1971 “Corpus Christi Massacre,” where more than one hundred student protesters were murdered by paramilitary forces), Cleo absorbs the world around her with a kind of saintly confusion. In contrast, her employer, Sofia, played by Marina de Tavira, is increasingly volatile,

struggling to hide the marital discord from her family.

Propelled by Aparicio’s calm and self-assured performance and Cuarón’s own gorgeous black and white photography, Roma is a stunningly beautiful film even in its most somber moments. Despite its down-to-earth subject, it’s an epic of sorts: an epic of ordinary life. Giant landscapes fill the panoramic screen. A simple hallway takes on grand proportions when the camera sweeps along. Space is dramatic and physical, whether it’s the vast, mud-soaked terrain of a poor village or a crowded party in a middle-class living room.

Images of flying, from airlines passing overhead to an acrobat shot from a cannon, form a visual motif, a sign that Cleo may find a way out of this odd and imposing world, just as the director did.

“The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.”

So wrote L.P. Hartley as the first line of the aforementioned The Go-Between. Watching Cuarón’s film, I was reminded, surprisingly, of 2001: A Space Odyssey, another film of wide spaces and silent observation. Like Kubrick’s vision of the near-future, Cuarón treats the near-past as a territory to be discovered, to be seen with an open mind and a fresh vision. From a simple story of domestic life and everyday problems, he maps out a new world. n

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[REVIEW]

Correction: It Was Adam & Steve Stray Dog Theatre’s Most Fabulous Story Is The Perfect Christmas Gift Written by

PAUL FRISWOLD The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told Written by Paul Rudnick. Directed by Justin Been. Presented by Stray Dog Theatre through December 22 at the Tower Grove Abbey (2336 Tennessee Avenue; www.straydogtheatre.org). Tickets are $25 to $30.

T

he laws of Christmas demand that all entertainment during December be steeped in the holiday traditions. This results in most such offerings being limited to the big — perhaps the only — permissible plot line: Will there be a Christmas this year?

The answer is of course “yes,” because of the aforementioned law.

This allows very little suspense to build in any form of seasonal entertainment, save only of the “How will everyone come together to celebrate and enjoy Christmas?” variety. It truly is our worst holiday, and much of its related entertainment is dreary and predictable.

Gary Bell and Justin Been, the artistic directors of Stray Dog Theatre, refuse to be bound by these conventions. For more than a decade Stray Dog has counter-programmed December with plays that treat the Matter of Christmas with irreverence, or that deconstruct it and rebuild Christmas as something new and surprising.

Paul Rudnick’s The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told, this year’s offering from Stray Dog, is of the second variety. It’s an audacious, bright comedy that recasts the Old Testament story of Adam and Eve with Adam and Steve, but it’s more than a cheeky romp through the Bible.

Director Justin Been’s vision for the show emphasizes the humanity of Rudnick’s script, ensuring that this is a Christmas story with

Steve and Adam and Jane and Mabel (William Humphrey, Luke Steingruby, Maria Bartolotta, and Angela Bubash) are new in town. | JOHN LAMB love and faith at the heart of it.

There are also quite a few in-jokes for the LGBTQA audience.

We begin with the creation of the earth. From her desk at the side of the stage, the Stage Manager (Patrice Foster) cues the creation of Paradise, the first sunrise and the first sunset with the assured, clipped tones of the most experienced theater tech. (The video projections of Creation are gorgeous, and uncredited.) Adam (Luke Steingruby) wakes first, clad in a fig leaf loincloth and ready to give a name to everything in sight. He soon encounters the similarly clad Steve (William Humphrey), who also believes he is the first of his kind in Paradise. The Stage Manager knits quietly while Adam and Steve proceed rapidly from first meeting to second date to sex, and she smiles softly at their shared joy. Love is love.

The arrival of lesbian couple Jane and Mabel (Maria Bartolotta and Angela Bubash) only increases the circle, until an audience member objects to all this blasphemy, and demands that they adhere to the Bible. Adam does have some questions about what this life means, as does Mabel.

Steve and Jane are realists. The

It’s an audacious, bright comedy that recasts the Old Testament story of Adam and Eve with Adam and Steve, but it’s more than a cheeky romp through the Bible. world exists, they’re both happy and that’s enough. The irate audience member leaves his Bible on the lip of the stage, which Adam brings into Paradise. Soon, and not so coincidentally, the quartet is cast out and the Flood starts.

And here their troubles begin.

Luke Steingruby displays a cheerful naivete as Adam, who questions everything and wants to understand his purpose. William Humphrey’s Steve is grounded in his belief that it’s the people

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you love who matter, and nothing else. With time those bonds include the dreamy, ebullient Mabel and tough-as-nails Jane. All four actors are fantastic in their roles, but Maria Bartolotta steals the show a few times with Jane’s exaggerated rage.

All the good work in the first act is somewhat diluted in the second act, which takes place in Adam and Steve’s Manhattan apartment during the 1990s. Rudnick’s script here feels cluttered with too many pieces, as the original quartet is joined by more characters, each of whom is given time to explain their backstory. There are still a high number of laughs, but Adam, Steve, Jane and Mabel are obscured by their large circle of friends. That may be by design; look how their communal love has grown, and remember that “where two or three gather in my name,” etc., but it still feels unfocused.

No one should be surprised when Christmas arrives and all plot lines are resolved, but not all of them are happily tied up. Unhappiness abounds in our weary world and in Adam and Steve’s, but at long last Adam has found the ultimate answer to his question. Love is all, and all is love. n

DECEMBER 12 - 18, 2018

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[REVIEW]

Mother’s Day With the flawless Cinder House, chef Gerard Craft pays tribute to the Brazilian-born ‘second mother’ who taught him to love food Written by

CHERYL BAEHR Cinder House 999 North Second Street, 314-881-5759.

Mon.-Sat. 6:30-10:45 a.m., 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-10 p.m.; Sun. 6:30-10:45 a.m., 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-9 p.m.

I

t was September 2005, the night chef Gerard Craft opened Niche — perhaps the biggest night of his professional life. And of course, Dia was there. She was always there.

Even before Craft was born, Cecelia “Dia” Assuncao had endeared herself to the Craft family as much more than a nanny. “Second mother” is what Craft calls her, and she certainly filled that role. In fact, she was the only one who could get the young Craft to eat anything besides buttered noodles, and she showed her love by plumping him up with feijoada beans and rice, flan and rice pudding.

This time, however, it was Craft’s turn to feed Dia, and he knew just the dish to send her way. The tapioca-based cheese poufs that are a staple in her native Brazil may be called pao de queijo, but to Craft, they’ve always been “Dia’s Cheese Bread.” Having them on the menu at his debut restaurant meant much more than providing a wonderful item for his guests. It was a way to show Dia how much she had inspired him, that he had been paying attention all those years, that she’d helped make him the chef he’d become.

He didn’t need her to tell him he’d nailed it; when he looked over, he got all the confirmation he needed.

She was crying.

It’s not a stretch to say that Craft might not have become a nationally recognized, James Beard Award-winning chef if not for Dia.

Feijoada is Brazil’s national dish of rice, black beans, pork and beef, and Gerard Craft’s rendition hews close to the version he ate as a child. | MABEL SUEN Her culinary influence was omnipresent in his life. Craft calls her the best cook he’s ever met, and he credits Dia with instilling in him a love of, and curiosity about, food, searing into his memory the flavors he’s drawn upon throughout his career.

Though Dia’s influence always provided a backbeat to Craft’s cooking, it moved to the foreground this spring when he was approached by the Four Seasons about opening a restaurant inside its St. Louis hotel. Craft decided on a steakhouse concept that he thought made sense for hotel diners. He did not want it to be just any steakhouse, however, and he gravitated toward the idea of a global barbecue spot centered around wood-fired cooking.

As the menu began to take shape, Craft found himself being flooded with memories of Dia’s cooking.

Her cheese bread had to be there, he thought. So did her coxinha, or Brazilian cheesy chicken croquettes. The further he went down the rabbit hole, the more he realized he was building an entire restaurant around her food.

That restaurant, Cinder House, opened in August, replacing the fine-dining Italian spot Cielo.

Aesthetically, the revamp is nothing short of stunning. Cielo was

pretty; Cinder House is drop-dead gorgeous. Divided into separate restaurant and lounge spaces, it’s outfitted in leather and velvet in hues of tan and sapphire blue, turquoise and earth-tone marble and craggy, driftwood-style sculptures. Architectural Digest recently named it the most beautiful bar in Missouri.

It could be a plain white box, however, and earn that distinction based on the view alone: Occupying the hotel’s eighth floor, Cinder House has a southern-facing, bird’s eye view of the Arch.

It’s one of the best views in the city. When the sun goes down, light sparkles off the windows. As you look out across the outdoor patio’s glittering fire and water features, you feel like you are in a diamond-encrusted dream.

Such a setting requires food that honors its grandeur, and Cinder House delivers. Craft, together with his executive sous chef Michael Fricker, has created a menu of dazzling South American-style dishes that use Dia’s cooking as a jumping-off point. Prawns, for instance, evoke the grilled sardines she regularly cooked for the Craft family. Here, with the head-on shellfish substituted for sardines, tender prawns soak in deliciously bitter wood smoke. It infuses the

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accompanying garlic, chile and smoked paprika butter, creating a warm, subtly spicy seafood jus.

The dish is simple, but its flawless execution exemplifies Fricker’s prowess with seafood.

Carne de Onca, Brazil’s version of beef tartare, is luxuriously creamy, especially when the eggyolk garnish fully mixes with the finely minced meat. The dish is decadent, but its richness is cut with chiles, paprika and herbs; there’s almost a licorice, perfumey note to the flavor. The heat from the chiles is not evident up front, but their warmth lingers at the back of the throat. The appetizer perfectly fuses Craft’s South American vision with the luxury of the Four Seasons.

The hen-of-the-woods mushroom appetizer is every bit as meaty as the beef tartare. The large, ruffle-shaped fungi are expertly cooked in butter that’s seasoned with chorizo spices, softening their texture to the point that they are silken. The show-stopper of the plate, however, is the polenta. Each mushroom is placed atop a mound of the cornmeal dish that is shockingly smooth and creamy.

It soaks up the mushroom jus and chorizo butter like gravy.

One taste of “Dia’s Cheese Bread”

DECEMBER 12 - 18, 2018

Continued on pg 33

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DECEMBER 12 - 18, 2018

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CINDER HOUSE Continued from pg 31

makes you understand why she was such an inspiration. The delicate, cheese-studded spheres melt in the mouth before you have a chance to chew. The bread is a masterpiece on its own, but Craft pairs it with country ham that is shaved prosciutto-thin and a ramekin of salt-sprinkled lardo. Together, they infuse the light cheese puffs with salt and porky flavor.

It’s no wonder this dish has followed him throughout his career.

Entrees are one masterpiece after another. “Fall Squash Risotto” may not be a South American dish, but its flavors blend well with the rest of the menu. The texture is flawless — creamy, yet the grains retain their al dente mouthfeel. Tomatoes give the risotto a gentle tang, an excellent canvas for the hunks of charred butternut squash and pepitas that pepper the plate.

Trout, served skin-on, is remarkably fresh and well cooked.

A saute of red-and-green cabbage, capers and garlic cloves top the fish, and rich brown butter gilds its delicate flesh. This dish again allows Fricker, who grew up in

coastal New Jersey, to show his skill in preparing fish.

Cinder House’s wood-fired grill inspires the restaurant’s à la carte meat offerings. A bavette sirloin features the flap of the sirloin typically used for fajitas. Simply seasoned with salt and pepper, it is cooked to a spot-on medium rare.

Lamb chops, also expertly grilled, are as large as baseballs and marbled with buttery fat. It mingles with the meat’s juice to form its own sauce. You might be tempted, then, to skip the accompanying chimichurri, one of three sauces that are served with the grilled offerings, along with béarnaise and mole. Don’t. The verdant sauce adds a refreshing complement to the decadent meat.

Craft may not have wanted Cinder House to be a traditional steakhouse. However, the quality and skill of the grilled offerings are as good as those at any of the big-name steak restaurants in town. But Cinder House is even more thrilling when Craft leads with his heart on entrees like the feijoada, a five-star rendition of Brazil’s national dish. The base, rice and black beans that have been cooked in pork and beef scraps, is exactly like Dia’s — beautifully cooked between ten-

der and snappy, and imbued with the meats’ rich flavors. The rice and beans are topped with fatladen brisket, sweet-glazed pork ribs, mild pork sausage and pork belly so creamy you could butter bread with it. This meat extravaganza could be overwhelming, but the components are tied together with bright chimicurri and citrus juice from the accompanying orange slices. It’s a stunning celebration of a dish.

Moqueca, a seafood stew, has a lobster-and-coconut-milk base that wraps you in a sun-kissed dream. The dish is filled with tender octopus, head-on prawns, snapper and fingerling potato confit. If bossa nova had a flavor, it would be this dish.

You might be tempted to let the warm, rich flavor of the moqueca linger as your last taste of Cinder House, but dessert is not to be skipped. Churros are dusted with cinnamon and sugar, then fashioned into discs like cookies to serve as the bookends for a vanilla ice cream sandwich. The airy, doughnut-like pastries are warmed, tempering the ice cream into the consistency of custard.

Traditional flan is perfection of the form. The silken custard is slicked with a salted caramel that

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has the sweetness of brown sugar but the savory undertones of brown butter. Of course, it’s perfect; it’s how Dia did it.

When Craft was just beginning his culinary career, he would often return to his native Washington, D.C., to cook with Dia. His wife would shadow the pair, writing down as much as possible to preserve Assuncao’s recipes for posterity. She didn’t get everything, however, and Dia is no longer around to give Craft advice. She passed away in 2009, living long enough to witness Craft grow into the chef she knew he could become but before she got the chance to see the restaurant she inspired.

For some dishes, then, Craft has had to rely on his flavor memories.

Yet in their recreation, he’s nailed them. Just ask his dad, who, eating his son’s flan for the first time, sat gob-smacked. “Oh my god,” he exclaimed. “This is Dia’s flan.”

Were Dia there to taste it, though, I can’t help but imagine she wouldn’t have had to say a word. The tears in her eyes would be more than enough.

Cinder House “Dia’s Cheese Bread” ............................... $12 Feijoada .................................................... $32 Colorado lamb rack (2 pieces) ................. $44

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ALWAYS ARRIVE INTERESTING six row barley pure glacial spring water make the vodka less ordinary

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SHORT ORDERS

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[SIDE DISH]

Sleiman Bathani Makes Al-Tarboush Sing Written by

CHERYL BAEHR

U

nless you regularly attend mass at St. Raymond Maronite Cathedral, you wouldn’t know that Sleiman “Sam” Bathani, the patriarch of the Loop’s Al-Tarboush Deli (602 Westgate Avenue, University City; 314725-1944), is also a musical talent.

However, if you lived in northern Lebanon in the 1970s, there is a decent chance you’d have heard of him. The lead singer of a touring music group, Bathani traveled around the country, and internationally, performing Lebanese traditional and pop music. In fact, that’s what brought him to the United States in the first place. He just didn’t realize at the time that he’d never leave.

“I was in a big singing group, and I was on a U.S. tour,” Bathani recalls. “I was having fun, making money in Chicago, with concerts scheduled throughout the weekend. Then, two days after I got here, the war broke out.”

When Bathani left for the U.S. in 1989, Lebanon was already fourteen years into a civil war. However, just days after he left for his tour, things took a turn in his region, putting the family he’d left behind in imminent danger.

When Bathani heard about the escalation, he frantically tried to reach his wife. It took days, and when he finally got through, he learned that she and their children had fled their home to shelter in her in-laws’ underground bunker.

Bathani could hear the bombs in the background when they spoke.

Bathani, his wife and her cousin hatched a plan for her to flee Leb-

Neither a deadly civil war nor robbery at gunpoint have kept Sleiman “Sam” Bathani from serving up Lebanese cuisine in University City. | JEN WEST anon for Cyprus by boat. All the while, Bathani continued to perform his music, transforming his Chicago tour date into a regular gig at a club in the city while he waited for his family to arrive.

After reuniting in the U.S., the family settled in Chicago, and Bathani was hired full time at the club. After a short time, Bathani was approached by a prospective business partner about opening a club and event space of his own.

He agreed, providing the musical entertainment for a massive venue while his wife created Lebanese masterpieces in the kitchen.

They enjoyed great success, but the long hours began to take their toll. Bathani knew that there had to be a better way for his family.

As Bathani explored his opportunities, he chatted with his nephew, who gave him the idea of opening a gas station: either with him in Boston, or with some family friends in St. Louis. After visiting St. Louis, Bathani decided to go in on a station in north county, packed up his family and moved 300 miles south to his new home.

Bathani’s tenure in the gas business would be short-lived. In December 1996, not a year into the job, Bathani was held up at gun-

“I was in a big singing group, and I was on a U.S. tour ... Then, two days after I got here, the war broke out.” point. Dazed and bloodied from being hit in the head with a shotgun, Bathani was able to get the gun from his assailant, who then fled. That was the last thing he remembers before losing consciousness. When he awoke, he was in the hospital — and certain that he needed another way to provide for his family.

It was a friend in the real estate business who introduced him to the owner of Saleem’s restaurant in the Loop, who was looking for a tenant to take on the tiny storefront just around the corner on Westgate. Initially, Bathani refused, thinking the space was too small. The owner sweetened the

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deal, offering to waive rent for the first six months. It was an offer he couldn’t refuse.

Two decades later, the restaurant the Bathanis opened on site, Al-Tarboush Deli, has become a St. Louis institution, serving exquisite Lebanese cuisine from its humble digs. Bathani is still a fixture, but these days, his daughter Joeanne is the one most likely to prepare the food as the patriarch stands in the background, greeting the regulars who have come to love him and Al-Tarboush’s magnificent sandwiches, salads and mezze over the years.

You’re not likely to catch him singing there, however. These days, Bathani’s voice is reserved for church, even though he notes he has a song of thanks in his heart for the path his life has taken.

“I’ve been so lucky,” he says. “It’s been nothing short of a miracle.”

Bathani took a break from making Al-Tarboush’s famous shawarma to share his thoughts on the St. Louis food scene, his daily rituals and why he is a lot like his favorite ingredient.

What is one thing people don’t know about you that you wish they

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SLEIMAN BATHANI Continued from pg 35

did?

I love music. Ever since I was a young boy, music has been a part of my life. Also, I like to ski and used to ski in Lebanon.

What daily ritual is non-negotiable for you?

Every morning while I open up the restaurant, I listen to mass on YouTube. There is a channel that has the same mass every morning.

Before bed, I always pray the rosary. There is a Christian Lebanese channel that does prayers all day, and at 10 p.m. they pray the whole rosary.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

To cure all the sick and all those who are in pain so everyone would be healthy all the time.

What is something missing in the

local food, wine or cocktail scene that you’d like to see?

More Lebanese food — and people knowing about Lebanese food.

There are only four places for it in St. Louis.

Who is your St. Louis food crush?

River City Casino, because I like their steaks. I go with my wife, and while she is gambling, I like to eat there. I also like Three Sixty.

Who’s the one person to watch right now in the St. Louis dining scene?

Chai “A.K.” Ploentham of the Blue Ocean. I like what they do.

He is always making his restaurant better, fixes what needs to be fixed and has good employees. He has a good system.

Which ingredient is most representative of your personality?

Garlic. It’s strong and leaves an impression on people that stays for hours.

If you weren’t working in the res-

taurant business, what would you be doing?

Real estate. I have a couple of properties in the city that I have fixed up and currently rent out. I would do that full time.

Name an ingredient never allowed in your restaurant.

Cilantro!

What is your after-work hangout?

The gym. I love going to the YMCA to swim and work out. Then I go home and have wine with my wife and watch our favorite TV shows.

What’s your food or beverage guilty pleasure?

I love sweets. I have a sweet tooth and have to have dessert after dinner.

What would be your last meal on Earth?

Lebanese fried fish. It’s a different style that is not breaded. The fish is just pan-fried in oil with lemon and Lebanese alcohol. I like to stuff it into a fried pita. n

[FIRST LOOK]

The City’s First Laotian Restaurant Is Now Open in Brentwood Written by

DESI ISAACSON

T

he first restaurant offering Laotianstyle cuisine has opened in St. Louis. Han Lao (1250 Strassner Drive, Brentwood; 314-932-1352) offers both Laotian and Thai cuisine.

Han Lao is the latest endeavor from restaurateur Thom Chantharasy, whose other concepts include the former Sekisui on South Grand and the current ramen hotspot, Robata, in Maplewood.

While Han Lao might seem like a smaller spot from the street, inside it is quite spacious. There are several seats at the bar where guests can watch the chefs in action in the open kitchen, plenty of booths, and ample communal seating in the middle of the room. The space is sleek and minimally appointed with marble tabletops and tan walls that allow the brightness to shine through outside. Inside, the restaurant room is light-filled, even on a dark and cold night.

Laotian food is closely connected with the cuisine of neighboring northeast Thailand. One of the main staples is sticky rice. The specialty is an off-white color and is served wrapped in plastic inside a narrow wicker basket. It features prominently on the menu at Han Lao and can be added for an additional $1 to many entrees.

The nam khao is a popular dish in Laos. | DESI ISAACSON Look for dishes like beef jerky, made of flank steak that is soaked in house sauce and then deep fried. And while the name may connote the pre-packaged gas-station snack, this version is tender and easy to chew. At first bite, it seems that an intense spice will kick in, but the heat settles and becomes sweet, especially when paired with the sticky rice.

Other dishes include Lao sausages, which have a snappy outer layer and juicy interior. Fiery chile paste, served as an accompaniment, beckons diners to try a tad more each time. Nam khao, another specialty, is a delectable red-curry soup. And you cannot leave without trying the coconut rice salad with optional nam moo (pickled pork sausage), served with fresh herbs, whole dried peppers and lettuce. This popular Laotian dish is often eaten in a lettuce wrap, which

is served on the side of the salad. In addition to the more authentic Laotian offerings, Han Lao features items like blue crab Rangoon and chicken pho. For Thai tea enthusiasts, Han Lao’s rendition — also available with tapioca as bubble tea or with rum — is sure to please. The restaurant takes its beverage program seriously: A whole menu page is devoted to wines, beers and cocktails, along with several other flavors of bubble tea.

Most dishes are priced between $5 and $9 and are smaller portion sizes to encourage sampling. As the city’s first Laotian restaurant, the price point and sharable style of dining is meant to expose diners to a wide range of authentic cuisine in one sitting.

Han Lao is open Monday through Thursday 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. and Friday through Saturday 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. n

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[FOOD NEWS]

St. Louis Will Host National Oktoberfest Next Fall Written by

CHERYL BAEHR

T

he Gateway to the West will become the gateway to Munich next fall when St. Louis hosts the Great North American Oktoberfest October 4 through 6.

St. Louis has been tapped to host the three-day celebration of German beer, food and culture by the event’s organizers, the North American Society of German Culture and Heritage. The massive, Munich-style Oktoberfest is expected to draw tens of thousands of attendees and will feature everything from family-friendly rides and activities to a showcase of award-winning German-style beers from both German and North American breweries.

Cities across the country — from Washington to Seattle — vied to host the festival, but St. Louis was chosen because of its storied German heritage and location in the center of the “German Triangle,” a geographic location spanning from Milwaukee to Cincinnati that saw a wave of German immigrants in the late 1800s.

Jared Opsal, chair of the Locust Business District and former head

of the St. Louis Downtown Neighborhood Association, has been named as the Great North American Oktoberfest’s executive director. In a press release announcing the festivities, Opsal emphasizes what the event means to the city.

“It is a point of civic pride for St. Louis,” Opsal says. “We have the opportunity to deliver an Oktoberfest experience as authentic as a trip to Munich.”

Next year’s festivities will be the first-ever Great North American Oktoberfest. The celebration, which was founded earlier this year, was born out of the North American Society for German Culture and Heritage’s desire to bring the sort of merriment found in Munich during Oktoberfest to those who cannot travel abroad to experience it.

Opsal and his team did that overseas legwork instead, traveling to Munich for the 2018 Oktoberfest so they will be able to recreate as authentic an experience as possible for their event next year.

Though beer will feature prominently at the event, organizers emphasize that this will be a family-friendly occasion. Like the original Oktoberfest in Munich, Opsal expects that the Great North American Oktoberfest will attract a wide range of ages and backgrounds. And of course, there will be the traditional biergarten and festival tent that will have seating for thousands.

No location has been announced for the Great North American Oktoberfest. Event organizers anticipate that information will become available in early 2019.

“This is an opportunity for St. Louis to step into the spotlight and showcase how we can celebrate a piece of our rich cultural history and host a destination-worthy event,” Opsal says. n

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[FOOD NEWS]

Crafted Now Offers CBD-Infused Cocktails in Tower Grove East

C

A sunnyside egg, spinach, goat cheese, chili oil and pesto are served on a buttermilk biscuit in the “Smashing” biscuit. | TOM HELLAUER

[FIRST LOOK]

Red Oak Biscuits Brings the Farmhouse to Cherokee Street Written by

TOM HELLAUER

N

amed for the baby red oak lettuce in their popular salads and the oak forest near owner Derek Schulze’s family farm in Warrenton, Red Oak Biscuits (2926 Cherokee Street, 314-449-1130) has settled into its new digs. The restaurant, which recently relocated from its original home on Washington Avenue, opened on Cherokee Street in mid-November.

Schulze seems to have found his calling as St. Louis’ next up-andcoming restaurateur. Schulze, and Red Oak’s executive chef, Josh Akers, have three new eateries and one event venue opening up across the city in the next several months on top of the relocated biscuit place.

For the time being, though, both are settling in and making Red Oak’s new Cherokee location their

home. Knickknacks from Schulze’s childhood farm, including his former pet cow’s skull and a riding saddle, help to complete Red Oak’s modern farm motif. And it’s not just the decor that harkens back to the family’s farm: The beef used in Red Oak’s dishes comes from his dad’s cattle production.

The seasonal “apple cobbler biscuit” is his mom’s recipe.

“So good,” Akers echoes as Schulze talks about the dessert.

Not to be outdone, Akers grew up playing a few blocks away in nearby Gravois Park and orbiting Red Oak’s Cherokee Street building. His culinary background, which includes Fresh Ideas Food Management and Hannibal LaGrange University, can be traced back to his grandmother.

“I used to watch her all the time as a kid, catering for the church, cooking on the holidays,” Akers says.

Akers and Schulze have known each other for just under a year, but the relationship seems much longer. Although Akers had limited experience baking when he started preparing Red Oak’s seventeen biscuit dishes, that didn’t faze Schulze.

“I can always tell people who’ve been cooking,” Schulze says. “I think [Akers has] probably been cooking since he was knee high to a grasshopper. It’s second nature.

He picked up the baking in like a second.”

Early experimentation and keeping it simple has made Red Oak’s buttermilk biscuits rival any others in town. Flour, butter, baking soda, sugar, salt, baking powder and buttermilk are stirred into a batter and placed in the

oven at the moment the customer orders.

Some of the butter seeps out while baking, “shallow frying” the biscuit’s exterior and giving it a crunchy texture while keeping a fluffy inside. Traditional dishes such as biscuits and gravy are met with more experimental plates like the “Lit Biscuit,” featuring pulled chicken, buffalo sauce, Red Hot Riplets and cheddar.

Three salads and a slew of coffee and smoothie drinks help round out the menu for Red Oak’s desired audience of young professionals. Red Oak is working on getting its liquor license in the coming months, planning coffee cocktails, brunch favorites like bloody marys and mimosas, and seasonal drinks like boozy hot chocolate. Keeping tradition with the building’s former occupant, the Blue Pearl, live music will coincide with the liquor expansion.

While the pair emphasize the in-restaurant experience and niche menu items, they also work hard to engage and brand themselves online.

“You have to make it something that appeals to them, that makes them want to come in the door even before they’ve been,” says Schulze about his prospective guests. “That predisposes someone to an excellent experience.”

Already, the feedback and sales have proven their methods effective, Schulze says.

“We’re two of hundreds of young people in St. Louis trying to improve and help our city.”

Red Oak Biscuits is open Monday through Friday from 7 a.m. until 2 p.m., and Saturdays and Sundays from 8 a.m. until 2 p.m. n

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BD is all the rage these days, and one of St. Louis’ favorite spots for cocktails has taken notice.

CBD (cannabidiol) is an extract from hemp plants that is known to reduce inflammation, manage pain and calm the mind without getting the user high like if they’d smoked cannabis.

It’s generally ingested as an oil, and now you can get that oil added to a few signature cocktails at Crafted (3200 Shenandoah Avenue, 314-865-3345) in the Tower Grove East neighborhood.

A partnership with a local CBD supplier called CBD Kratom, these temporary menu additions promise to be as delicious as they are helpful. They’re mixing up a Vanilla Almond Manhattan, a fruity gin drink called the Winterberry and the Cindy-In-The-Lou Who, which involves hibiscus vodka, cranberry juice and jalapeño.

These CBD options are part of a larger trend in the St. Louis area, with fro-yo joint Bella’s promising CBD-infused versions of four favorite flavors: mint chocolate chip, strawberry, sea-salt-caramel pretzel and vegan five-spice.

These Crafted cocktails won’t be around forever, though. Make sure to pop in to this pop-up soon; the CBD drinks are only expected to be available until March.

—Jaime Lees

For a short time, Crafted will be serving cocktails infused with the popular CBD. | FRANTZ LINDOR

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MUSIC & CULTURE

43

[HOMESPUN]

Deck the Symphony Halls St. Louis Symphony English horn player Cally Banham melds jazz with classical on new Christmas album Written by

CHRISTIAN SCHAEFFER

F

or members of the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra, the holiday season brings a yearly dusting-off of some old chestnuts.

As the month of December goes on, the SLSO calendar becomes less a showcase for the works of Bruckner or Mendelssohn and more a repository of holiday shows and Christmas pops matinees.

Cally Banham, a symphony musician who is normally featured on the English horn, notes that the SLSO’s programmers walk a line between popular, seat-filling favorites and newer holiday fare.

“I think it is a little bit of a challenge for them to come up with something fresh; there are obviously things that are tried and true, the warhorses of Christmastime like selections from The Nutcracker, that will never get old or tired,” she says.

Banham is always happy to play the holiday hits; her English horn even gets a prominent role in a few of those Nutcracker selections. But this year Banham has added her own spin on a range of Christmas tunes from the sacred to the secular with her album Cor Christmas. Befitting her pedigree, there are plenty of orchestral assists from her SLSO chums on strings, brass and percussion. But across thirteen tracks, Banham collects a varied stretch of arrangements and moods that push Cor Christmas outside the realm of classical music.

She began researching and plotting almost three years ago, pick-

Banham enlisted her SLSO colleagues as well as some top-notch players from the local jazz scene to help. | CELESTE BOYER PHOTOGRAPHY ing songs from across several hundred years’ worth of Christmas tunes.

“What I was listening for when I was trying to make these decisions was the quality of the melodies, since that would be what I was playing,” Banham says. “I chose some that were more operatic in melody; ‘White Christmas’ is like that, and ‘Comfort Ye’ from Handel’s The Messiah is the perfect one in being so expressive with the singing voice.”

Banham says that her instrument, a tenor-voiced double reed in the same family as the bassoon and oboe, is often featured as a solo instrument in orchestras.

And though it isn’t a sound likely to be buried in the mix, it’s also not an instrument featured often on its own.

“I knew that an English horn could carry a whole album, but I knew that there had to be sonic breaks as you’re going through the journey of the album,” says Banham. “And that’s why there are huge features for the other instrumentalists.” Melissa Brooks’ cello takes over the first half of “Silent Night,” using an arrangement

by Chip Davis that has none of the bombast and spectacle associated with his seasonal behemoth, Mannheim Steamroller. Later in the album, the trombone section

of the SLSO gives resonance to a slew of traditional English carols.

Banham and her colleagues treat hymns like “Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming” with requisite grace, but the disc’s greatest twists come through the inclusion of tango elements early in the program.

This is no surprise given Banham’s role as the founder of local tango group Cortango. (Cor anglais, the French term for the English horn, accounts for the “cor” suffix in Banham’s work.) Tango’s rhythmic pulse underpins the album’s opening track, “White Christmas,” and heavily accented pizzicato strings give way to a stately sway in “Carol of the Bells,” which allows Banham to show her instrument’s lithe and beguiling charm.

In the context of tango music, though, the English horn is an outlier. Banham compares its reedy nature to that of the bandoneon, an instrument in the accordion family which is found in nearly all traditional tango outfits. “As far as I know, I’m the only English horn player to start a tango band,” she says.

Pianist Adam Maness plays regularly in Cortango and assists on Cor Christmas as well, both as instrumentalist and arranger. His jazz trio, with Bob DeBoo on bass and Montez Coleman on drums, supports Banham on a few mod-

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ern standards, “I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm” and Vince Guaraldi’s “Christmastime Is Here.”

Maness isn’t the only link between the worlds of jazz and classical on this album. Nate Hershey, best known as an organist in a number of local funk and soul bands, served as producer and engineer, helming a recording session on the hallowed stage of Powell Hall.

Banham and Hershey worked together on another local release, and Banham recalls when their styles — hers from the note-perfect world of classical music, his from the improvisational background of jazz — led to some early miscommunication in the studio.

“Nate was saying, ‘I don’t understand — this lady is in the symphony! Tell her to come in and I’ll tell her what to do!’” Banham explains. “And I said, ‘No, you don’t get it. I don’t improvise — I need a chart!’”

But that inauspicious session set the table for what became the pair’s co-production on this album.

“I was so impressed by the way Nathan prompted me, handled me, how great his ear was about the timbre of the English horn,” Banham says. “I was really happy with the finished product; it was one of those things where you just know.

And I just went with my gut.” n

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[PREVIEW]

Cool As a Sea Cucumber Now with a solidified lineup, St. Louis pop-punk act the Kuhlies preps for a new album Written by

JULIA BROOKS

T

he Kuhlies’ practice space is fraught with silent tension.

Emotions have been running high since drummer Sean Torgoley dropped the Armageddon card minutes earlier. It’s serious business. “I might not even win, but it’s like unlocking a video-game achievement: Make Zach the Most Mad,” he says before launching into a stream of trash talk directed squarely at guitarist Zach Paul. They continue to lay (or angrily slap down) cards in turn on the kitchen table in the Ballwin house where they practice every Sunday. Torgoley is taken down early in the game, but the damage to Paul’s morale is already done. In the end bassist Joe Roe handily wins while Paul quietly seethes in his chair.

Although the frustration is palpable, after five years of playing together it seems unlikely that the band will break up over irreconcilable differences related to a game of Magic: The Gathering.

In fact, after all the stages of MTG grief have been processed and the trash talk subsides, the members of the Kuhlies are excited. They have finally solidified a lineup (Roe joined the band in August, replacing a string of former bassists) and they’re ready to start recording their third studio album, while gearing up to play their first show in seven months.

“It was kind of hard to get anything done with a revolving door of bass players,” Paul explains.

The band specializes in an infectious brand of pop-punk that melds Screeching Weasel-level catchiness with garage-rock grit, and if those card-game shenanigans are any indication, its members definitely have the requisite juvenile mentality for the genre.

Paul and Torgoley even met when they were, in fact, juveniles, in band class in sixth grade.

“We used to beat the shit out of each other on the bus, and it was

At the Kuhlies’ Ballwin rehearsal space, Magic: The Gathering is serious business. | JULIA BROOKS really fun,” Torgoley explains.

“We legit talked about making a band for ages.”

The duo initially started out by playing metal together, but after seeing a live show with Teenage Bottlerockets and NOFX, Paul was inspired.

“I knew I wanted to do something like that,” Paul says. “I was like, ‘Oh, people still make music like that?’ We wanted to do something fun.”

Fun is certainly in no short supply on the band’s most recent album, 2016’s The Sequel No One Asked For. With song titles including “Your Boyfriend vs My Aquarium,” “Legalize Cementland” and “Wish I Was Goth,” it’s clear the band doesn’t take itself too seriously — practically a prerequisite for the simple, poppy guitar riffs and straight-ahead songwriting on display. Vocal duties are shared by all three members, adding a much-welcomed sense of variety to a genre that can occasionally feel somewhat stale.

These songs bounce between nasally, lighthearted vocals that call to mind the likes of Blink 182 or the Dead Milkmen (made all the more enjoyable with judicious use of group vocals) to slightly harder-edged rock & roll vocals in the vein of Matt Skiba.

That slight stylistic schizophrenia makes sense when the mem-

With songs like “Your Boyfriend vs My Aquarium,” “Legalize Cementland” and “Wish I Was Goth,” it’s clear the band doesn’t take itself too seriously — practically a prerequisite for the genre. bers of the Kuhlies list their individual influences. Paul cites rock & roll classics such as the New York Dolls and Joan Jett, while Roe mentions more conventional punk-rock fare including the Ramones and the Queers. Torgoley leans more into the early-2000s sounds of New Found Glory or Story of the Year. (“He wants to say P.O.D. and Disturbed,” Paul keeps whispering.)

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A pop-punk gem on the album, “Yardsale,” demonstrates the balance of a band creating something new while not being shy about wearing its influences on its sleeve.

Other songs like “What The Fuck Is Going On” have more of a rock & roll affect but manage to stay in line with the rest of the tracks.

So what the fuck is a kuhlie?

Paul and Torgoley are avid aquarium and aquascaping enthusiasts, and they named the band after their shared favorite fish.

“Every time people hear the name they think we’re talking about how cool we are,” Torgoley laughs. “But that’s not where it came from; it’s the name of a loach.”

The members of the Kuhlies are quick to clarify that they don’t, indeed, think they are cool. One look around their practice space — littered with binders full of Magic cards, Pokemon decks, energy drinks and twenty-sided die — and it’s clear that no one will be mistaking any of them for the Fonz anytime soon.

Cool though they may not be, the Kuhlies do the local scene one better, representing fun, dorky punk rock at its finest.

The Kuhlies 8 p.m. Sunday, December 16. Evangeline’s Bistro and Music House, 512 North Euclid Avenue. $5. 314-367-3644.

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[CRITIC’S PICK]

Broncho. | POONEH GHANA

Broncho 8 p.m. Thursday, December 13. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Avenue. $15.

314-833-3929.

Clutch your Trouser Press Guide close to your breast and declare post-punk is whatever twitches your nerdy fancies. Based on this year’s weirdly overlooked LP Bad Behavior (tastemakers Pitchfork, Paste and Consequence of Sound couldn’t be bothered with a review), Broncho thinks it’s minimalism spiked with cowbell, tidy hooks bent by thick bass, breathless vocals chased by doppleganger paranoia

THURSDAY 13

BLACK & WHITE BAND: 10 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

BRONCHO: w/ Sleepy Kitty, Jesus Christ Supercar, 8 p.m., $15. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-833-3929.

DRU HILL: w/ Silk, Troop 7 p.m., $40-$65.

The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

ERIC BROWN COMEDY ALBUM RELEASE SHOW: w/ Brandon Judd 8 p.m., $5. The Heavy Anchor, 5226 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-352-5226.

IVAS JOHN & BRIAN CURRAN: 7 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

JEREMIAH JOHNSON ACOUSTIC DUO: 4 p.m., free.

Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

MILES OVER MOUNTAINS: 9 p.m., $8. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

PAUL BONN & THE BLUESMEN: 8 p.m., free. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

PLETHORA: 8 p.m., $15. The Stage at KDHX, 3524 Washington Ave, St. Louis, 314-925-7543, ext. 815.

FRIDAY 14

BIG FREEDIA: 9 p.m., $35. Contemporary Art Museum St. Louis, 3750 Washington Blvd.,

and, above all, an aesthetic restraint that’s never too cool not to dance. Sure, “Family Values” is one of this year’s dumber bits of gender-screwing social commentary — “I got a thing for your sister/I got a thing for your brother” — but this tight little record, clocking in under 30 minutes, has all the melodic and rhythmic smarts a rock & roll fan, pre- or post-punk, needs.

Jesus Kitty: St. Louis veterans Sleepy Kitty are joined by the newly formed Jesus Christ Supercar for an opening bill that isn’t the second coming, though it just might save your indie soul.

—Roy Kasten

St. Louis, 314-535-4660.

BRAVE COMBO HOLIDAY SHOW: 8 p.m., $15.

Kirkwood Station Brewing Company, 105 E. Jefferson Ave, Kirkwood, 314-966-2739.

CRYSTAL LADY: w/ Tiger Rider 8 p.m., $10. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-833-3929.

THE DUSTCOVERS: 9:30 p.m., free. The Frisco Barroom, 8110 Big Bend Blvd., Webster Groves, 314-455-1090.

FARSHID SOLTANSHAHI, DAVE BLACK, & SANDY WELTMAN: 8 p.m., $15-$20. The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778.

FUNKY BUTT BRASS BAND 10TH ANNUAL HOLIDAY BRASSTRAVAGANZA: 9 p.m., $18-$30. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

THE LANGALEERS: w/ The Potomac Accord, Aquitaine 9 p.m., free. Schlafly Tap Room, 2100 Locust St., St. Louis, 314-241-2337.

LEROY JODIE PIERSON: 7 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

LUCKY OLD SONS: 8 p.m., $3. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

MURMUR: A TRIBUTE TO R.E.M. BY 120 MINUTES: w/ U2 Hype: A Tribute to U2 8 p.m., $15-$25.

Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

SMINO: 8 p.m., $25-$27.50. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

TORREY CASEY & SOUTHSIDE HUSTLE: 10 p.m.,

Continued on pg 48

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Continued from pg 47

$5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

TORY STARBUCK: w/ Keokuk 9 p.m., $7. The Heavy Anchor, 5226 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-352-5226.

TREE ONE 4: w/ Kamikaze Kush, Driftaways 10 p.m., $10. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

VAN BUREN ALBUM RELEASE SHOW: w/ Alan Smithee, Slow Damage, Kilverez 7 p.m., $8-$10.

The Firebird, 2706 Olive St., St. Louis, 314-535-0353.

SATURDAY 15

ALL ROOSTERED UP: noon, free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

BROTHER JEFFERSON BAND: 10:30 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

FLOW TRIBE: 10 p.m., $10. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

FUNKY BUTT BRASS BAND 10TH ANNUAL HOLIDAY BRASSTRAVAGANZA: 9 p.m., $18-$30. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

FUNKY BUTT BRASS BAND HOLIDAY BRASSTRAVAGANZA KIDS MATINEE: 3 p.m., $5-$12. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

JAKE’S LEG: w/ Tim Fahy & Brad Sarno 8 p.m., $12-$15. The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778.

JOE METZKA BAND: 7 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

KENT EHRHART & THE BLUE MOON BLUES: 3 p.m., free. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

KIM MASSIE: 7:30 p.m., $10. Das Bevo Biergarten, 4749 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-224-5521.

THE LATE NIGHT SHOW: w/ Spatula, Mammoth Piano 11 p.m., free. Mangia Italiano, 3145 S. Grand Blvd., St. Louis, 314-664-8585.

LOKEY: 9 p.m., free. Nightshift Bar & Grill, 3979 Mexico Road, St. Peters, 636-441-8300.

MISSOURI BREAKS: 9:30 p.m., free. The Frisco Barroom, 8110 Big Bend Blvd., Webster Groves, 314-455-1090.

PALE DIVINE: 8 p.m., $25-$40. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

RUMOURS STL: 8 p.m., $8. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-833-3929.

SCOTT KENNEBECK: w/ Emily Truckinbrod, John Powel Walsh 11 a.m., $12. The Sheldon, 3648 Washington Blvd., St. Louis, 314-533-9900.

TIT FOR TAT: w/ Buttercup, Man the Manipulator 9 p.m., $7. The Heavy Anchor, 5226 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-352-5226.

TOM HALL: 5 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

UNCLE ALBERT: 9 p.m., $3. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

WELL HUNGARIANS 25TH ANNIVERSARY: 8 p.m., $25-$28. Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

WILLIE & THE POOR BOYS: 8 p.m., $5. Hwy 61 Roadhouse and Kitchen, 34 S Old Orchard Ave, Webster Groves, 314-968-0061.

SUNDAY 16

BLACK & WHITE BAND: 5 p.m., $10. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

BUTCH MOORE: 2 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

DIRTY HEADS: 8 p.m., $32.50-$37.50. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

ERIC LYSAUGHT: 6 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

FUNKY BUTT BRASS BAND 10TH ANNUAL HOLIDAY BRASSTRAVAGANZA: 7 p.m., $18-$30. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

FUNKY BUTT BRASS BAND HOLIDAY BRASSTRAVAGANZA KIDS MATINEE: 3 p.m., $5-$12. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

GOTHS ON WHEELS: w/ DJ Skeletal, DJ Dorian Dolore 6 p.m., $10. St. Louis Skatium, 120 E Catalan St, St. Louis, 314-631-3922.

LOVE JONES “THE BAND”: 8 p.m., $10. BB’s Jazz,

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Big Freedia. | PRESS PHOTO VIA CAM-STL

Big Freedia 9 p.m. Friday, December 14. Contemporary Art Museum St. Louis, 3750 Washington Boulevard. $35. 314-535-4660.

Even as Big Freedia’s star continues to rise and expand — resulting in a book deal, gigs lending her voice to the likes of Beyoncé and Drake, and even a successful reality TV show on the Fuse network now in its sixth season — the New Orleans-based musician hasn’t forgotten her primary directive: to make butts jiggle. So prodigious are her talents at that specific task that in 2013 she even led a crowd in New York to a Guinness World Record in the category of

Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

MONDAY 17

442S HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR: w/ Christine Brewer, Peter Martin, Erin Bode, Brian Owens, Montez Coleman 7:30 p.m., $15-$30. The 560 Music Center, 560 Trinity Ave., University City, 314-421-3600.

THE FACELESS: W/ Rings or Saturn, The Last Ten Seconds of Life, Vale of Pnath, Interloper 6:20 p.m., $20-$22. Fubar, 3108 Locust St, St. Louis, 314-289-9050.

ROCKY MANTIA & THE KILLER COMBO: 7 p.m., $10. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

SOULARD BLUES BAND: 9 p.m., $5. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

TOM HALLORAN: 6 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

TUESDAY 18

442S HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR: w/ Christine Brewer, Peter Martin, Erin Bode, Brian Owens, Montez Coleman 7:30 p.m., $15-$30. The 560 Music Center, 560 Trinity Ave., University City, 314-421-3600.

DEAN MINDERMAN: 10 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

EMILY WALLACE: 9 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

NOTHING, NOWHERE: w/ Wicca Phase Springs Eternal, smrtdeath, St. Panther 7 p.m., $18.

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“twerking” as they shook what their mommas gave them at her command. Freedia is credited with popularizing NOLA-based bounce music, a high-energy brand of hip-hop focused largely on the rapid movements of the posterior. This show is sure to be a blissfully fun affair — just don’t even think about forgetting your dancing shoes (or shorts, as the case may be).

Pay the Landlord: Big Freedia’s latest, June’s 3rd Ward Bounce, proves that success has not dulled her sword. Lead single “Rent” demands the respect she is owed through a story about a freeloading paramour. You’d be wise to pay up.

—Daniel Hill

Fubar, 3108 Locust St, St. Louis, 314-289-9050.

P.C. COFFEY: 6 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

ST. LOUIS SOCIAL CLUB: 7 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

STRAIGHT NO CHASER: 7 p.m., $34.50-$62.50.

The Fox Theatre, 527 N. Grand Blvd., St. Louis, 314-534-1111.

WEDNESDAY 19

THE 4TH ANNUAL HO HO HARDCORE SHOW: w/ Kublai Khan, Left Behind, Cavil, Polterguts, Life Sucks, Brute Force 6 p.m., $15. The Sinkhole, 7423 South Broadway, St. Louis, 314-328-2309.

ALLY VENABLE BAND: 10 p.m., $10. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

BIG RICH MCDONOUGH & RHYTHM RENEGADES: 7 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

NEIL SAULSICH: 5:30 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

NOVENA: w/ Current Year, the Centaurettes 7 p.m., $8-$10. Fubar, 3108 Locust St, St. Louis, 314-289-9050.

TAB BENOIT: 8 p.m., $22-$25. Old Rock House, 1200 S. 7th St., St. Louis, 314-588-0505.

THIS JUST IN ADRIAN BELEW: W/ Saul Zonana, Fri., March 8,

8 p.m., $28-$25. Old Rock House, 1200 S. 7th St., St. Louis, 314-588-0505.

ALL ROOSTERED UP: Sat., Dec. 15, noon, free.

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

ALLY VENABLE BAND: Wed., Dec. 19, 10 p.m., $10. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

AMANDA PALMER: Thu., May 30, 7 p.m., $35$45. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

BIG RICH MCDONOUGH & RHYTHM RENEGADES: Wed., Dec. 19, 7 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

BJ BARHAM: Sun., Feb. 24, 8 p.m., $20-$25.

Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

BLACK & WHITE BAND: Thu., Dec. 13, 10 p.m., $5. Sun., Dec. 16, 5 p.m., $10. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

BOY HARSHER: W/ Special Interest, Mon., April 8, 8 p.m., $10-$13. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-833-3929.

BRIAN CURRAN: Thu., Dec. 20, 4 p.m., free.

Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

BROTHER JEFFERSON BAND: Sat., Dec. 15, 10:30 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

BUTCH MOORE: Sun., Dec. 16, 2 p.m., free.

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

CITIZEN COPE: W/ David Ramirez, Tue., March 12, 8 p.m., $36-$39.50. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

THE CLAYPOOL LENNON DELIRIUM: Tue., April 23, 8 p.m., $25-$37.50. Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

COPELAND: W/ Many Rooms, From Indian Lakes, Sat., March 23, 8 p.m., $20-$23. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

CRUCIFIX: W/ Hard Target, Wess Nyle, Fort Knocks, Shotgun Shane, Sat., March 9, 8 p.m., $20-$25. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-833-3929.

DANE COOK: Fri., March 1, 7:30 p.m., $36.50$56.50. Stifel Theatre, 1400 Market St, St. Louis, 314-499-7600.

DAVID DEE & THE HOT TRACKS: Fri., Dec. 21, 8 p.m., $3. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

DEAN MINDERMAN: Tue., Dec. 18, 10 p.m., $5.

BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

DOGS OF SOCIETY: THE ULTIMATE ELTON JOHN TRIBUTE: W/ Billy the Kid: The Definitive Billy Joel Tribute, Sat., Feb. 16, 8 p.m., $15-$20.

Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

EL MONSTERO: THE DEFINITIVE PINK FLOYD EXPERIENCE: Sun., Dec. 23, 8 p.m., $27.50-$50.

The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

EMILY WALLACE: Tue., Dec. 18, 9 p.m., free.

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

END OF THE YEAR BASH: W/ Calloway Circus, City of Parks, Sixes High, Roeco, Sat., Dec. 29, 6 p.m., $10-$12. The Firebird, 2706 Olive St., St. Louis, 314-535-0353.

ERIC JOHNSON: W/ Tommy Taylor and Kyle Brock, Sun., Jan. 27, 7 p.m., $40. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

ERIC LYSAUGHT: Sun., Dec. 16, 6 p.m., free.

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

ERIN BODE’S COZY WINTER WEEKEND: Fri., Jan. 18, 8 p.m., $20-$25. Sat., Jan. 19, 8 p.m., $20$25. The Monocle, 4510 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-935-7003.

FARSHID SOLTANSHAHI, DAVE BLACK, & SANDY WELTMAN: Fri., Dec. 14, 8 p.m., $15-$20. The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778.

FLOW TRIBE: Sat., Dec. 15, 10 p.m., $10. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

GENE JACKSON POWER PLAY BAND: Thu., Dec. 20, 8 p.m., free. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St.,

Continued on pg 49

[CRITIC’S PICK]

Smino. | JACK MCKAIN

Smino 8 p.m. Friday, December 14. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Boulevard. $25. 314-726-6161.

St. Louisans like it when a hometown boy makes good, but we love it when they remind the world where they came from (cf. Jon Hamm’s chronic repping of everything from Provel to Blues hockey).

So while we’re thrilled for Smino’s continued success since moving to Chicago, we’re ecstatic that “L.M.K.,” the first single from his just-released NOIR album,

[WEEKEND]

BEST BETS

Five sure-fire shows to close out the week

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14 Heaven Honey w/ Nibiru, Camp Counselor, Nicole Grace 8:30 p.m. Foam Coffee and Beer, 3359 South Jefferson Avenue. $7. 314-772-2100.

Head Case, released this past March, is Heaven Honey’s debut EP, containing a breezy four-song jaunt through rolling hills of alt-pop. Fuzzed-out chords move like a pendulum, buffing up the Bloomington band’s shoegazey sound with a well-suited swing. Singer Jordan Gomes-Kuehner has a voice that swims over the contours of bright guitar chords, making for a sweet yet sinewy brand of songwriting. Sure, this could be called “indie,” but that’s merely a trailhead for the group’s exploration of the genre, with winding paths and forks in the road. St. Louis’ own Camp Counselor performs with a freshly formed backing band set to flesh out its brand of bedroom pop.

reminds listeners the world over that he’s “straight from St. Lou.” Of course, all that wouldn’t mean as much if the rest of the album weren’t so stellar, a multi-colored display of Smino’s lithe verses and graduate-level wordplay placed against beats that show traces of Chicago, Atlanta and (of course) STL traditions.

Kribmas Comes But Once a Year: This week’s show is both an album release and a holiday-week homecoming with Smino’s Zero Fatigue crew in tow.

—Christian Schaeffer

STL Women of Rock Showcase w/ Tiger Rider, Crystal Lady, Seashine 8 p.m. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Avenue. $10.

314-833-3929.

Three no-frills rock bands who bathe in the muddy waters of the Mississippi join forces to raise funds for the St. Louis Area Foodbank. The commonality here is “STL Women of Rock,” and there’s no question that between the three bands, there are several years’ worth of shows and studio records committed to history. The term “rock” is used loosely, as each group takes a distinctly different approach. Seashine’s dreamy shoegaze mingles with Tiger Rider’s glamorous garage punk, while Crystal Lady rounds out the night with a strong throwback to ’90s-esque grunge. A veritable variety hour of power.

Van Buren Album Release Show w/ Alan Smithee, Slow Damage, Kilverez 7 p.m. The Firebird, 2706 Olive Street. $8 to $10.

314-535-0353.

Maybe it’s the inanity of being landlocked in the Midwest, but the region has a knack for exporting warped brands of metal. Van Buren’s doom is Continued on pg 50

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OUT EVERY NIGHT Continued from pg 49 St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

GIN BLOSSOMS: Thu., Feb. 21, 8 p.m., $27.50$30. Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

GUITAR MADNESS: W/ Tony Campanella, John McVey, Jeremiah Johnson, Sun., Dec. 30, 8 p.m., $12. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

HATER’S ROAST: THE SHADY TOUR: Sat., March 2, 8 p.m., $43.50-$172. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

I ACTUALLY: W/ Durango, Beau Diamond, Fri., Jan. 4, 9:45 p.m., free. Schlafly Tap Room, 2100 Locust St., St. Louis, 314-241-2337.

IRIS DEMENT: Sat., March 23, 8 p.m., $30. The Sheldon, 3648 Washington Blvd., St. Louis, 314-533-9900.

IVAS JOHN & BRIAN CURRAN: Thu., Dec. 13, 7 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

JACQUEES: Sat., Jan. 12, 8 p.m., $45-$65. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

JAKE’S LEG: W/ Tim Fahy & Brad Sarno, Sat., Dec. 15, 8 p.m., $12-$15. The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778.

JEREMIAH JOHNSON ACOUSTIC DUO: Thu., Dec. 13, 4 p.m., free. Thu., Dec. 27, 4 p.m., free.

Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

JESSE LÉGE & JOEL SAVOY: Fri., March 22, 8 p.m., $20. The Sheldon, 3648 Washington Blvd., St. Louis, 314-533-9900.

JOE METZKA BAND: Sat., Dec. 15, 7 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

JOHN PRINE: Fri., May 17, 8 p.m., $59.50-$99.50.

Stifel Theatre, 1400 Market St, St. Louis, 314-499-7600.

KENT EHRHART & THE BLUE MOON BLUES: Sat., Dec. 15, 3 p.m., free. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S.

BEST BETS

Continued from pg 49

the audible sound of painting on black with even blacker paint, an exercise that won’t do much but assure that the color you’re looking at is indeed, without a shadow of a doubt, black.

The sound this duo builds in the live space outdoes bands two or even three times its size, using little more than bass guitar and drums to build a strong sense of density. Unrelenting beats and proggy bass riffs are glued together by a gravelly voice that bellows above the noise.

wednesday december 12 9:45 pm Urban Chestnut Presents

the voodoo players tribute to bob marley

thursday december 13 9 pm

miles over mountains

progressive bluegrass from chicago

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15

friday december 14 10 pm

tree one four kamakazee kush driftaways

Man the Manipulator w/ Bagheera, Buttercup

3 bands starting at 10

9 p.m. The Heavy Anchor, 5226 Gravois Avenue. $7.

314-352-5226.

saturday december 15 10 pm

Man the Manipulator tightly winds up its angular sounds with a chain-linked rhythm section that stutters with sharp precision. The vibe here hearkens to early excavations of hardcore, breaking apart straight-ahead structures with fractured riffing. The vocals could shatter glass — or really anything not made of solid steel — and are faithfully matched in both tone and tenor by the band behind them. Last month Man the

flow tribe

funk from new orleans

friday december 14 at 5 pm and saturday december 15 at 12 pm

bob’s annual scallop and fresh fish festival wednesday december 19 9:45 pm Urban Chestnut Presents

the voodoo players tribute to led zeppelin

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9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

LEROY JODIE PIERSON: Fri., Dec. 14, 7 p.m., $5.

BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

LIGHTNING WOLF CD RELEASE: W/ Voidgazer, the Nokturnal, Electric Bear Trap, Sat., Dec. 29, 8 p.m., $5. Fubar, 3108 Locust St, St. Louis, 314-289-9050.

THE LIL SMOKIES: Thu., March 7, 8 p.m., $12$14. Old Rock House, 1200 S. 7th St., St. Louis, 314-588-0505.

LINCOLN DURHAM: Tue., June 11, 8 p.m., $15.

Blueberry Hill - The Duck Room, 6504 Delmar Blvd., University City, 314-727-4444.

LOVE JONES “THE BAND”: Sun., Dec. 16, 8 p.m., $10. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

LUCKY OLD SONS: Fri., Dec. 14, 8 p.m., $3.

Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

MARTIN SEXTON: Thu., April 18, 8 p.m., $30-$35.

Blueberry Hill - The Duck Room, 6504 Delmar Blvd., University City, 314-727-4444.

THE MASON-MULLER ALL STAR JAZZ BAND: Fri., Dec. 28, 8 p.m., $12-$15. The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778.

MAT KEREKES: W/ Jetty Bones, Jacob Sigman, Thu., March 28, 8 p.m., $15. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

MELODY DEN CD RELEASE: Fri., Jan. 11, 8 p.m., $10. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

MILES OVER MOUNTAINS: Thu., Dec. 13, 9 p.m., $8. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

MILO: Sat., Feb. 16, 8 p.m., $17. The Firebird, 2706 Olive St., St. Louis, 314-535-0353.

MITSKI: Sun., April 7, 8 p.m., $20-$22. Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

MOTHERFATHER: W/ Murtaugh, Lida Una, Clayton Scott, Thu., Dec. 20, 8 p.m., $7-$10. The Firebird, 2706 Olive St., St. Louis, 314-535-0353.

THE MOVIELIFE: W/ Travis Shettel, Thu., April

Continued on pg 51

Manipulator dropped its self-titled album, a seven-song airing of grievances with a darkly leaning sense of humor.

Stagfest II w/ Tonina, 18andCounting, Fond Han, The Donald Woodhard, Inc., Nick J Gusman, the Love and Drug Experience 6 p.m. Livery Company, 6728 South Broadway. Donations.

314-558-2330.

After the drunken marathon that was last December’s Stagfest, the brains behind the event have once again bought together who they consider the best bands in town for a year-end blowout. This boozy bout features six acts that span a wide spectrum of sound, casting a wide net to raise funds for the American Civil Liberties Union. Tonina leads the pack with genre-splicing pop-rock that incorporates Latin and jazz-fusion while 18andCounting shifts tectonic plates underneath an unrelenting flow of hip-hop. The Livery should be tightly packed for this all-local musical family reunion, just in time for the holiday season.

—Joseph Hess Each week we bring you our picks for the best concerts of the weekend. To submit your show for consideration, visit riverfronttimes. com/stlouis/Events/AddEvent. All events subject to change; check with the venue for the most up-to-date information.

OUT EVERY NIGHT Continued from pg 50 11, 8 p.m., $18-$20. Blueberry Hill - The Duck Room, 6504 Delmar Blvd., University City, 314-727-4444.

MT. JOY: W/ Wilderado, Thu., March 14, 8 p.m., $20-$25. Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

NEIL HAMBURGER: Fri., March 15, 8 p.m., $20.

The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-833-3929.

NEIL SAULSICH: Wed., Dec. 19, 5:30 p.m., free.

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

P.C. COFFEY: Tue., Dec. 18, 6 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

PAUL BONN & THE BLUESMEN: Thu., Dec. 13, 8 p.m., free. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

PEPPERLAND: THE BEATLES REVUE: Sat., Jan. 5, 8 p.m., $10. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

PLAY IT FORWARD BENEFIT SHOW: Sat., Jan. 5, 7 p.m., $10. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-833-3929.

RANDY RAINBOW: Sat., April 6, 8 p.m., $39.75.

The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

RAY WYLIE HUBBARD: Fri., March 29, 8 p.m., $20-$35. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

THE REVIVALISTS: Sat., March 23, 8 p.m., $39.50$45. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

RICH MCDONOUGH & RHYTHM RENEGADES: Thu., Dec. 27, 8 p.m., free. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

ROB LEE & NEUTRAL GROUND: Sat., Dec. 29, 9 p.m., $3. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

ROCK THE SPECTRUM BENEFIT CONCERT: W/ Al Holliday and The East Side Rhythm Band, Cree Rider, Bottoms Up Blues Gang, School of Rock, Sat., Jan. 26, 8 p.m., $20. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

ROCKY MANTIA & THE KILLER COMBO: Mon., Dec. 17, 7 p.m., $10. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

ROLAND JOHNSON & SOUL ENDEAVOR: Fri., Dec. 28, 8 p.m., $3. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

RONNIE MILSAP: Fri., March 22, 8 p.m., $29.50.

River City Casino & Hotel, 777 River City Casino Blvd., St. Louis, 314-388-7777.

RYAN KOENIG: Sat., Dec. 29, 8 p.m., $12-$15.

The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778.

SAD SANTA EMO NIGHT: W/ Not a Phase, Chromatose, Wed., Dec. 26, 9 p.m., free. Tin Roof St. Louis, 1000 Clark Ave, St. Louis, 314-240-5400.

SAMANTHA FISH NEW YEARS PARTY: Sun., Dec. 30, 8 p.m., $20-$70. Mon., Dec. 31, 8 p.m., $20$70. Old Rock House, 1200 S. 7th St., St. Louis, 314-588-0505.

SOULARD BLUES BAND: Mon., Dec. 17, 9 p.m., $5. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

ST. LOUIS SOCIAL CLUB: Tue., Dec. 18, 7 p.m., $5.

BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

STICK FIGURE: W/ The Movement, The Elovaters, Sat., April 13, 8 p.m., $26-$31. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

TEDESCHI TRUCKS BAND: W/ Blackberry Smoke, Shovels & Rope, Tue., July 30, 7 p.m., $33.75$159.50. The Fox Theatre, 527 N. Grand Blvd., St. Louis, 314-534-1111.

TIM & LISA ALBERT: Sat., Dec. 29, 3 p.m., free.

Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

TOM HALL: Sat., Dec. 15, 5 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

TOM HALLORAN: Mon., Dec. 17, 6 p.m., free.

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

TOMMY HALLORAN’S GUERRILLA SWING: Fri.,

Dec. 21, 8 p.m., $12-$15. The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778.

TORREY CASEY & SOUTHSIDE HUSTLE: Fri., Dec. 14, 10 p.m., $5. BB’s Jazz, Blues & Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

TREE ONE 4: W/ Kamikaze Kush, Driftaways, Fri., Dec. 14, 10 p.m., $10. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

TRIBUTE NIGHT: W/ We’re a Happy Family (Ramones Tribute), Sour Grapes (Descendents Tribute), You Can’t Dance to Pain (Jawbreaker Tribute), Alien Boys (Wipers Tribute), Sat., Jan. 26, 8 p.m., $8. Fubar, 3108 Locust St, St. Louis, 314-289-9050.

TURNPIKE TROUBADOURS: W/ Jonathan Tyler & the Northern Lights, Sat., Jan. 26, 9 p.m., $22.50-$25. The Pageant, 6161 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

AN UGLY SWEATER FESTIVUS: Sun., Dec. 23, 9 p.m., $10-$25. The Ready Room, 4195 Manchester Ave, St. Louis, 314-833-3929.

UNCLE ALBERT: Sat., Dec. 15, 9 p.m., $3. Hammerstone’s, 2028 S. 9th St., St. Louis, 314-773-5565.

VOODOO PLAYERS TRIBUTE TO LED ZEPPELIN: Thu., Dec. 19, 9:45 p.m., $8. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

THE WEE HEAVIES: Sat., Dec. 22, 8 p.m., $12-$15.

The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778.

WINTER JAM 2019: W/ Newsboys United, Sun., Jan. 27, 6 p.m., $15. Enterprise Center, 1401 Clark Ave., St. Louis, 314-241-1888.

THIS WEEK

A CHRISTMAS SHERYL: A TRIBUTE TO THE MUSIC OF SHERYL CROW: W/ Beth Bombara, Stacey Winter, AV & The Dirty Details, Jenny Roques & Friends, Fri., Dec. 21, 8 p.m., $10. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

CELIA’S YULETIDE EXPRESS: W/ Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship, Fri., Dec. 21, 9 p.m., free.

Schlafly Tap Room, 2100 Locust St., St. Louis, 314-241-2337.

THE DEVON ALLMAN PROJECT: W/ Duane Betts, Wed., Dec. 26, 8 p.m., $30-$35. Old Rock House, 1200 S. 7th St., St. Louis, 314-588-0505.

DR. ZHIVEGA PLAYING THE MUSIC OF PRINCE & THE REVOLUTION: Sat., Dec. 22, 8 p.m., $20-$25.

Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

HARRY CONNICK JR.: Thu., Dec. 20, 7:30 p.m., $52-$147. Stifel Theatre, 1400 Market St, St. Louis, 314-499-7600.

HOOTEN HALLERS: Sat., Dec. 22, 8 p.m., $10.

Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

JASON D. WILLIAMS: Fri., Dec. 21, 8 p.m., $15.

Old Rock House, 1200 S. 7th St., St. Louis, 314-588-0505.

KAHSAN & THE BADMASH: Thu., Dec. 20, 8 p.m., $10-$15. Old Rock House, 1200 S. 7th St., St. Louis, 314-588-0505.

MEET ME IN ST. LOUIE – A CHRISTMAS EXTRAVAGANZA: W/ Pete Ayres Band, Lola, Fresh Heir, Fri., Dec. 21, 8 p.m., $10-$15. Delmar Hall, 6133 Delmar Blvd., St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

MOTHER STUTTER: W/ O’ Ivy, Fri., Dec. 21, 9 p.m., $7. The Heavy Anchor, 5226 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-352-5226.

MOTHERFATHER: W/ Murtaugh, Lida Una, Clayton Scott, Thu., Dec. 20, 8 p.m., $7-$10. The Firebird, 2706 Olive St., St. Louis, 314-535-0353.

NEIL SALSICH: Fri., Dec. 21, 9:30 p.m., free. The Frisco Barroom, 8110 Big Bend Blvd., Webster Groves, 314-455-1090.

NEW MAYANS: W/ Little Cowboy, Le’Ponds, Cherokee Moon, Thu., Dec. 20, 8 p.m., $10. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

SORRY PLEASE CONTINUE: Wed., Dec. 26, 9 p.m., $5. The Heavy Anchor, 5226 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-352-5226.

SUBTROPOLIS: W/ Drew Gowran, Thu., Dec. 20, 9 p.m., free. Schlafly Tap Room, 2100 Locust St., St. Louis, 314-241-2337.

TAKE 6 WITH SLSO: Thu., Dec. 20, 7 p.m., $42.75$62.75. Powell Hall, 718 N. Grand Blvd, St. Louis, 314-534-1700.

THE WEE HEAVIES: Sat., Dec. 22, 8 p.m., $12-$15.

The Focal Point, 2720 Sutton Blvd, St. Louis, 314-560-2778. n

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SAVAGE LOVE Slight Christmas

BY DAN SAVAGE Straight and married but not boring, and heading to my parents’ house for our first family Christmas since my asshole MAGA brother “stumbled over” the Tumblr blog where the wife and I posted about our sexual adventures.

(Pics of MMF threesomes and cross-dressing/pegging sessions, plus some dirty “true enough” stories.) My brother has always been an angry screwup, so he leapt on the chance to make me look bad by sending the link to my parents, siblings and even some close family friends. Our Tumblr blog is still up because we aren’t ashamed.

Any advice?

Totally Uncool Malicious Bastard’s Lame Reveal Your Tumblr blog isn’t going to be up for much longer, TUMBLR, as the company that owns Tumblr — Verizon — is ashamed of your blog and the millions of others like it.

Tumblr announced last week that all “adult” content is banned as of December 17. And the definition of “adult content” is pretty broad: “photos, videos, and GIFs of human genitalia, female-presenting nipples, and any media involving sex acts, including illustrations,” although they will allow genitals and those wicked “female-presenting nipples” in images of classical art. (No contemporary junk or lady nips allowed.)

This is not just a blow to people who use Tumblr for porn — and that’s most people who use Tumblr — but also to the sex-work community. Sex workers had already been driven off most other online platforms by anti-sex-work crusaders, and now sex workers are being driven off Tumblr as well. Forcing sex workers off the internet won’t end sex work, the stated goal of anti-sex-work crusaders, but it will make sex work more dangerous — which tells us everything we need to know about the motives of anti-sexwork crusaders. While they claim to oppose sex work because it’s dangerous, they push policies that make sex work more dangerous.

Sex workers weren’t just adver-

tising online, they were organizing — in addition to honing and making the political argument for decriminalizing sex work, they were screening potential clients and sharing information with each other about dangerous clients. Just like anti-choice/antiabortion crusaders, anti-sex-work crusaders don’t want to “protect” women; they want to punish women for making choices they disapprove of. (As a general rule: If what you’re doing makes people less safe, you don’t get to claim you’re trying to protect anyone — it’s like claiming you only set houses on fire to drive home the importance of smoke alarms.)

Anyway, fuck your sex-shaming/smut-shaming brother, TUMBLR. As for the rest of your family, you and the wife should slap smiles on your faces and act like you’ve done nothing wrong — because you haven’t done anything wrong. Your asshole brother is the bad guy, and any family members who wish to discuss how offended they were by your Tumblr blog should be directed to speak with your brother, as he’s the one who showed it to them.

How can I explain to my sisters that although I am a free sexual woman, I still prefer men as sexual partners? My sisters are both involved with women and they cannot understand how, with all the awful sexual inequality in the world, I can still be primarily attracted to men. Sometimes I even imagine my sexuality as a gay man’s sexuality in a woman’s body, and I try to explain it to them in this way. I’m not a secret right-winger or someone kidding around by asking this question.

This is a real issue.

Give It To Me Straight P.S. I have a straight male friend who says he’s a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. What do you think of this?

People don’t choose to be straight — some poor motherfuckers are born that way — any more than hetero-romantic bisexuals choose to be hetero-romantic bisexuals. You can’t help who you’re attracted to, GITMS, primarily or otherwise, and the contempt of family members can’t change a person’s sexual or romantic orientation. Your sisters should under-

stand that, since they most likely wouldn’t be with women if the contempt of family members had that kind of power.

As for describing yourself as a gay man trapped in a woman’s body and your straight male friend describing himself as a lesbian trapped in a man’s body…

Unless the two of you are trans — in which case, you could be homos trapped in the wrong bodies — your friend is just another straight guy mortified by the mess straight people (mostly white, mostly men) have made of the world. You’re also mortified by straightness, GITMS, or at least the sexual inequality that often comes bundled with it. But instead of your straight male friend opting out of heterosexuality (which he can’t do) or you framing your attraction to men as a gay thing to get your sisters off your back (which you shouldn’t have to do), your friend should identify as straight (because he is) and you should identify as someone who doesn’t give a shit what her sisters think (because you shouldn’t).

If good straight guys and “free sexual women” in opposite-sex relationships don’t identify with heterosexuality and/or heteroromantic orientations, GITMS, all the shitty straight people will conclude that they get to define heterosexuality (which they don’t).

I’m a gay man in my mid-20s, and I’m getting more serious with a guy I met a few months ago. I was surprised to eventually learn that “Michael” is in his late 30s, since he easily passes for my age. I’m comfortable with the age gap, but I’m struggling with how to present this to my parents. Religious and conservative, they were cordial but distant with the last guy I dated (who was my age). I’m afraid the age gap with my new boyfriend will create even more discomfort for them and that Michael will sense it when he comes along to visit for the holidays. I’m considering lying to my parents if Michael’s age comes up. I’ve challenged my parents’ attitudes for many years — but at this point, I’m willing to trade honesty for the chance to be treated even a little bit more like a “normal couple” at Christmas. Is it selfish to ask Michael for permission to lie about his age? I’m ner-

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vous to even share my feelings with him, for fear it will give the impression I’m embarrassed by him.

Awkward Gatherings Expected Given Age Peculiarity Tell one lie to make your relationship seem more acceptable to your parents, and you’ll be tempted to tell them more lies — and I don’t know about you, AGEGAP, but not having to lie to mommy and daddy anymore was one of the reasons I came out of the closet. And if you want your parents to be comfortable with Michael, if you don’t want them to think there’s anything wrong with their son dating an older man, deceiving your parents about Michael’s age is a terrible first move. That says you think there’s something wrong about it — and you won’t just be saying that to your parents, AGEGAP, you’ll be saying it to Michael as well.

And let’s say things work out with Michael. The lie you told that first Christmas will only serve to make things more awkward after you finally tell them the truth about your boyfriend’s age. And if your parents are like other mildly or wildly homophobic parents, i.e., if they’re inclined to regard the man who sodomizes their son as a negative influence in his life, they may not believe the lie was your idea.

They’ll think this creepily youthful older man — this man who showed up in their home wearing a suit made out of the skins of younger gay men — encouraged their son to lie to them so they wouldn’t object to the relationship in the early stages, when their objections might have had the ability to derail it.

Finally, AGEGAP, if your older boyfriend is concerned you may be too immature for him — not all young people are immature and not all immature people are young, but this shit does correlate — telling him you’re still in the lie-to-mommy-and-daddy stage might prompt him to end this relationship.

On the Lovecast: RealDoll brothels?! Listen at savagelovecast.com. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter ITMFA.org

DECEMBER 12 - 18, 2018

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Though tapas restaurants aren’t new to St. Louis, the Spanish style of eating, drinking and socializing retains all of its charms. There’s no better place to get a reminder of that than at BARcelona, Clayton’s longtime popular tapas hotspot.

As the restaurant notes on its website, “A tapa is a delicious morsel of food that defines a lifestyle as well as a culinary style. Tapas in Spain are almost always accompanied by wine, but they are as much about talking as they are about eating and drinking. The wine is, perhaps, the medium that holds the conversation, the friends, and the food together. The primary purpose of tapas is to talk to friends, to share the gossip of the day.”

A great time of day to enjoy conversation at the bright, colorful BARcelona is during the happy hour slot of

4 to 6:30 p.m., when a variety of food and drink specials are offered at the bar and on the expansive front patio, one of Clayton’s finest spots to imbibe and to people watch.

Specials include $2 calamari, sliders and burgers, with half-off appetizers and $10 pitchers of sangria.

Speaking of drink offerings.

BARcelona offers a full bar, with a host of international favorites. Its famed sangria joins such fare as bellinis, mimosas, caipirinhas and the self-titled house special (yes, “the BARcelona”), made up of Stoli Vanil, Midori Melon Liqueur, Chambord and pineapple juice.

On Wednesday evening, live music is a fixture along with the restaurant’s other attractions. Which include, we should note, an easy-to-remember slate of hours: 11 a.m. to 11 p.m., seven days a week.

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