By Greg Budell
The Mayor of BOOMTOWN
THE BOOMER'S, 10 COMMANDMENTS OF SUMMER "A true story from the Greg files"
It is August. The “media” says it’s hot. Really hot. Like ‘it’s never been this hot before hot’ which is utter BS. According to these oracles, and accomplished scientists like Angry Greta and AOC it will be less hot when we all drive fossil-fuel charged electric vehicles. Eye roll. The climate has been changing since The Big Bang. 10,000 years ago, the River Region was under a glacier. I assure you that glacier was not melted by a Range Rover. I’m glad it’s gone. That ice field left behind some nice lakes not to mention the Robert Trent Jones golf courses. I would have never known about the heat without “media” wisdom, hype and hysteria. My plan is better. Let’s accept summer as the season where it’s seems like we’re living in a terrarium. For BOOMER’s spending their first summer in Alabama, let me help by offering the Ten Commandments of Summer. Obey them, and you’ll sail through the heat like a Frisbee. 1. ALWAYS WEAR RUBBER SOLE SHOES AND/OR FLIP FLOPS! Summer thunderstorms can erupt at any moment June-September. 60,000foot, atomic bomb shaped giants can seemingly emerge from nowhere, spewing lightning like a sneeze spews germs. Most Southerners are hit by lightning several times a year. Rubber soles allow the bolt to harmlessly pass through leaving behind little more than
58 BOOM!
August 2022
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with sentiment I purchased one and opened it while walking back to my car. One bite, and the chocolate coating broken into dark brown tiles that slid onto my shirt bringing globs of melted vanilla with them. It won’t kill you, but it will make it look like you were crapped on by a Pterodactyl. 4. NEVER LEAVE LIQUIDS IN YOUR CAR DURING THE DAY This includes liquids inside of solids. Those 600 degrees interior temps will boil the ink in a ballpoint pen causing it to explode. I once left a pack of Cinnaburst gum not realizing it was vulnerable to heat exposure. The volcanic release took months to completely clean. My car smelled like Prom Night Breath until Halloween. 5. REALIZE YOUR SKIN BECOMES OPAQUE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT Local idiot BOOMer rides bike in full sweat gear in BOOMers, at this point in life we’ve 110 degree heat index developed the thick skin required to handle life’s challenges. Your actual unmanageable hair. After a while you’ll skin however, is thinning out. In direct get used to it. summer sunlight, it is possible to see your internal organs at work. Keep your 2. START YOUR CAR AND A.C. 30 shirt on until college football resumes. MINUTES BEFORE DRIVING Your car interior can reach temperatures 6. OBSERVE THE SUMMER of 600 degrees while sitting unused in RULES OF EXERCISE the sun. Unless you enjoy the smell of An occasional one-inning softball game roasted flesh, you’ll let it cool down won’t kill you. Or 3 holes of golf (6 a good bit before going anywhere in with cart). In this heat, you will burn daylight. Keep your windows snugly thousands of calories doing things like up because even the smallest crack going to your mailbox, bending over to can allow your car to lose 1 degree of pick up a newspaper or walking from comfort per second (CPS). Don’t be your car to the front door of a store. fuelish. Your car will kill you. Work out to your heart’s content indoors but wait a minimum of 3 air conditioned 3. NEVER EAT ICE CREAM OUTSIDE IN hours before returning outside. A SOUTHERN SUMMER Spontaneous Human Combustion is I broke this commandment one summer always a threat here. as I was leaving a gas station convenience store. An ice cream freezer offered nostalgic Eskimo Pies. Overwhelmed The River Region’s 50+ Lifestage Magazine
