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Thursday, March 31, 2022
Collegian.com
BREAKING NEWS
Football coach Jay Norvell hired at local auto repair shop
After leaving his position as the Colorado State University football head coach to pursue his passion for automotive care, Jay Norvell stands proudly with his newly acquired uniform March 29. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY LOOK! A SEAL THE DAILY BILGE
By May Cordell @braidonnourse
Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. Colorado State University football’s new signing at head coach has stepped down from his coaching role after four months in the position. This news comes a week after spring practice started for the Rams. Norvell has been sporting a blue-collared shirt to practices over the duration of spring training, with his name and the words “CSU
football” inscribed on the front to stress to players that they were there to work. Questions were raised during a practice earlier this week when his shirt no longer had that inscription. Ram football fans had much to look forward to with Norvell’s signing, as he had previously taken bottom-of-the-pack University of Nevada, Reno to a bowl game in his second season with the program. Fans were skeptical, though, as the team had been going through head coaches hastily over the past few years. But now, fans are left with more questions than ever before. Norvell reportedly has taken a job at a local automotive repair shop in Fort Collins. Norvell was set to make $1.6 million this up-
coming season with the Rams but will now forfeit that money before having coached a single game for CSU. Norvell’s work ethic has never been cause for question, as he has worked his way through the ranks of football coaching for decades, being a part of many bowl wins and championships along the way. But after over 30 years of coaching, the 59-year-old Norvell has decided to pour his ethic into something new and embrace the blue-collar lifestyle. Details on Norvell’s new five-year contract as a local mechanic have been released publicly. The base salary for the position is just below $46,000. However, the terms of the contract include performance based bonuses.
Those bonuses are as follows:
■ $100 bonus if Norvell is able
to successfully fix more than 12 cars in a single shift (tire rotations excluded) ■ $500 bonus if Norvell is linked to an upward change in the shop’s national rankings from one year to the next ■ $15 bonus if Norvell is mentioned in a positive review on Yelp (capped at 30 reviews per calendar year) ■ $10 bonus if Norvell is on time to every shift for an entire week (contract describes “on time” as 15 or more minutes prior to the start of a shift) Also in the contract terms are penalties and fines — a very
uncommon sight for a contract of any kind, especially outside of sports. The penalties and fines are as follows:
■ $10 fine if Norvell is caught using X’s and O’s as a metaphor to describe car problems
■ $15 fine if Norvell is heard asking a coworker for a “booth review” in reference to a decision made while fixing a car Norvell has declined to comment on his decision at this time, but CSU is currently setting up interviews with potential suitors for Norvell’s replacement. The Rams’ first game is Sept. 3 against the University of Michigan. Reach Pirate of the Collegian May Cordell at sports@ collegian.com.
