THE RO CKY MOUNTAIN
COLLEGIAN
pg2
3
pg
Wood if you could?
CALENDAR Midnight Madness Animal Liberation Orchestra Sudoku Simplified Applewood Arts and Crafts Fair “Green Fire: Aldo Leopold and A Land Ethic for Our Time” Thanks Sharing
pg5
Getcha food on
The Turkey Trot
ILLUSTRATION BY ERIC GILL
Your all-inclusive guide to fall break, family, Black Friday and more By Bailey Constas The Rocky Mountain Collegian Fall break is finally here, and just in time. Unfortunately, far from the restful break we all crave, this all-too-brief vacation can be difficult to navigate, what with all the family time, Black Friday and the interminable wait between waking up and dinner. Whose bright idea was it to put that off until 3 p.m., anyway? Luckily, the Collegian has got you covered.
How to deal with family:
Perfect the smile and nod: When Grandma tells you about her bridge group and how her bowel movements are going, there’s only one thing to do. And that’s to be as physically present and as mentally absent as possible. Come up with three topics that you’ve learned in class to convince your parents you’re not just spending all their money on beer. It could be a new word you picked up when you didn’t understand that prompt on your midterm, that concept in philosophy that will go over your parents’ heads or a topic in sociology that you know your dad will disagree with. Another key tip would be to stash a few beers in your travel duffle to get
through the family dinners. Help out at least once around the house. It’s easy to get back into the swing of things, meaning have your mother do everything for you. But it would be a wise decision to maybe do one load of laundry, set the table for Thanksgiving, help with the dishes or entertain some younger family members, if only to pretend you’re a responsible and upstanding member of society all the time.
Things to do before dinner:
Go to a movie For the kids: Rise of the Guardians Wreck-It Ralph The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2: Though it might not exactly be toddler material, anyone over the age of 14 should be embarrassed to be at this movie. Dramas Silver Linings Playbook: Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro in one place Life of Pi: Based on a hugely popular bestselling book about a boy and a tiger stranded in the ocean; the book mostly takes place in Pi’s head, but this actually looks really interesting
Action Red Dawn: This remake of the 1984 movie is about the coming of WWIII in suburbia. Skyfall: the new James Bond movie. Although most people who want to see it will have already done so by Thanksgiving, it’s an action movie that’s suited for most of the family. Watch/play football: A classic American past time for a classic American holiday. What’s more patriotic than burly men in tight pants? Write your term papers: A novel idea, but maybe it’s time to sit down and write those term papers that you’ve been putting off. Maybe it’s easier to focus when you don’t have drunken roommates threatening to hurl on the carpet. Or when you’re not drunkenly considering hurling on the carpet. Donate turkeys to food banks: It’s easy to pick up an extra turkey at the grocery store or other food items for those less fortunate than you this holiday. Spread the wealth or the tryptophan.
Other things you can take part of:
Give to the Food Bank for Larimer County: Food donations are ac-
cepted Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. at the Food Bank warehouse in Fort Collins. Peanut butter Turkeys Canned vegetables/fruit Canned meat/fish (chicken, salmon, tuna) Beans Pasta/Rice Cereal Oatmeal/Grits Shelf-stable milk Healthy kids snacks Black Friday: After coming out of their food coma, Americans all over the country will be lining up in the early morning hours of Black Friday —and Thursday night — to get outrageous deals. If you’re planning on burning off those extra calories from the day before by running around and pulling electronics out of other shoppers’ hands, then here are some deals to get you started for planning your Black Friday. 8 p.m. Thanksgiving night Walmart K-mart
Sears Toy’R’Us 9 p.m. Outlets at Loveland — stores will be open 24-hours straight Target Midnight Best Buy Dick’s Sporting Goods GameStop Old Navy Kohl’s Macy’s Sports Authority 5 a.m. Ace Hardware Home Depot Lowe’s Michael’s Office Depot Staples 6 a.m. Bed Bath & Beyond JC Penny Office Max PetsMart Radioshack 7 a.m. and later Cost Plus World Market Kind Creations Sam’s Club
WEEKEND AVERSION GUIDE
RAM TALK ... THE REST OF THE STORY
No sex November By Davis English
The Rocky Mountain Collegian Based on the Ramtalk: “With it being No-Shave November, Halo 4 and the new Call of Duty coming out, I predict pregnancy rates will drop off dramatically.” — Originally in 11/9 Collegian In a recent study conducted by the Family Studies Department at CSU, it seems as though pregnancy rates have nearly dropped off the map this month. November is notorious for its yearly cessation of intercourse, but a key question remains: Why? Pregnancy specialist Keifer Grawsey attributes this drop in pregnancy rates to a few factors: No-Shave November and the releases of “Halo 4” and “Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.” “Hairy gamers get no love,” Grawsey said. “It’s the long facial hair that turns the girls off, and the extreme gaming that keeps them away. Every
November, facial hair graces the faces of countless young men, but with the addition of
“As long as the college-aged men pretend that they can grow facial hair, they will not be engaging in sexual contact with the collegeaged females.” highly anticipated video game releases, I would say that this November is the perfect storm for abstinence.” Females all over the country are boycotting their male counterparts, saying that they
must “shave their faces and stop playing those darn video games” if they want to continue fornicating. The males couldn’t be reached for comment, as they are far too busy playing their new games in their dank, dark basements. The condom industry has also been feeling the effects of this sudden decrease in coitus by young adults. The drop in sales has directly affected local condom manufacturer and connoisseur, Oliver “Three Bones” Jones. “I’m just absolutely devastated,” Jones said. “I’m in shock. How am I going to put bread on the table without people knockin’ boots? Shave the beards, boys!” One thing remains clear: As long as the college-aged men pretend that they can grow facial hair, they will not be engaging in sexual contact with the college-aged females. Collegian Writer Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.
The “great” outdoors
There’s absolutely nothing great about it By Emily Kribs The Rocky Mountain Collegian Kevin Bartz’ column, with all its worldly wisdom about hiking trails and the great outdoors will not be featured today. Instead, I’m going to cover for him. I know things about what goes on outside! I’ve been there before, no matter what my pasty complexion implies. In fact, I go out there every day! The terror of the great outdoors spices up my life, adding excitement and vague uneasiness to the school day. What’s going to happen next? You never know with the world outside your front door. Sure, we have an institution put in place for the express purpose of keeping us from being surprised when we exit our homes in the morning — or afternoon, or even night. Hell, I don’t know your schedule — but that National Weather Service is constantly letting me down. Just yesterday morning I was shocked to find it snowing. Snowing! That wasn’t on the itinerary at all for the day. Yeah, it was over within ten minutes, but it still gave me a pretty good scare. Today, the Internet tells me, it’s supposed to be “mostly sunny.” What’s the difference between that and “partly cloudy?” The graphic looks exactly the same. My weather app also forecasts for “nighttime.” I guess I’m glad I know that was planned ahead of time, since otherwise that would have to be symptomatic of The End Times. But you know what the scariest part of the
outdoors is? That’s where outer space and the ocean are. I’m willing to contend with space; from an objective standpoint, I think space is awesome. Sure, there’s just one flimsy little atmosphere between us and the endless void of space, but hey, I’ll manage. The ocean, on the other hand, is a fathoms deep well of the most unknowable fear imaginable. You know that fish in “Finding Nemo” with the little light on its head and teeth as long as its body? That’s a real creature that exists, which isn’t actually a problem for humans since most of us are bigger than the eight inches it has to its name — plus we’d already be dead if we were deep enough to encounter it. The outdoors is also where bugs come from. Some insects are fine, like ladybugs, moths and praying mantises (mantes?). But there are plenty of bugs that I’m sure everyone will agree need to go. I’m not referring to spiders, which are mostly harmless (or at least non-lethal) in Colorado, but wasps. What the devil is the point of those things? Don’t get me wrong; they’re not scary. But they certainly are awful. So go on your hikes, your bike rides and your walks. Go camping in the mountains, or even scuba diving in California and Florida. I’ll be here, biting my nails and wondering exactly how many bacteria live under them. Entertainment Editor Emily Kribs is masquerading as an agoraphobe and as a result welcomes your mockery at entertainment@collegian.com.