Vol. 128, No. 111 Monday, April 1, 2019

Vol. 128, No. 111 Monday, April 1, 2019

OPINION

SPROTS

ARTS & CULTURE

Opinion desk announces exit from Yeehaw Junction

Student spills expensive beer at football game

CAM the Ram saved by PETA

page 8

page 10

page 13

A cowboy holds a newspaper and the ranchiest ranch garb on this side of the Mississippi while looking at the corporate office sign for The Rocky Mountain Collegian, which has been renamed to Yeehaw Junction. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY ASH-SLINGING-SLASHER POTTS YEEHAW JUNCTION

Collegian changes name to ‘Yeehaw Junction’

By Hilarious Candelario @H_Canderlario98

Dear readers, For more than 125 years, The Rocky Mountain Collegian has been integral to the history of Colorado State University. The publication has served as the main source of CSU news and as the voice of the student body while also providing an educa-

tional tool for many CSU alumni and serving as a stepping stone success in professional journalism careers.

With such a rich, long history on this campus, sometimes change can be hard.

As such, it is with mild reluctance but, mostly excitement, that we announce we will no longer be known as The Collegian.

As of today, we are rebranding

the publication as Yeehaw Junction. We’re really digging the whole “New publication, who dis?” attitude, but don’t worry — all the content you’ve come to love seeing from our publication will not go away.

Yeehaw Junction unanimously won over the hearts of the student editors. ”I’m just really f*cking pumped about cowboys,” said

Forrest Gump, Yeehaw Junction photo editor. “Yeehaw Junction was just too perfect for us not to change to.”

The name “Yeehaw Junction” was inspired by former news editor and night editor of The Collegian, Seth Bodine.

Bodine’s favorite catchphrase while working long nights editing articles for The Collegian was “yeehaw.” The phrase became

Bodine’s — and consequently, the newsroom’s — rallying cry throughout the long hours painstakingly spent in an office with no windows and harsh, overhead fluorescent lights to put together this newspaper you hold in your very hands, or code the website you’re currently scrolling through.

see YEEHAW on page 4 >>

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Monday, April 1, 2019

Collegian.com

FORT COLLINS FOCUS

Squirrels on the Colorado State Unviersity campus gather to mourn the announcement that Tony Frank will step down as President. The squirrels are thought to control the University through Frank and will now have to decide what to do when Joyce McConnell takes over. PHOTO ILLSTRATION BY ASH-SLINGING-SLASHER POTTS YEEHAW JUNCTION

overheard on the plaza “I get great pleasure going around to all the computers in the world and adding my name to the dictionary.”

“It’s a power move.”

“I’m judging that guy in the hoodie now.

He’s drinking a mimosa with a straw.”

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“No one remembers when the pope got mono?!”

CORRECTIONS Have you recently overheard something funny on campus? Put your eavesdropping to good use. Tweet us @CSUCollegian and your submissions could be featured in our next paper!

Lory Student Center Box 13 Fort Collins, CO 80523 This publication is not an official publication of Colorado State University, but is published by an independent corporation using the name ‘The Rocky Mountain Collegian’ pursuant to a license granted by CSU. The Rocky Mountain Collegian is a 6,500-circulation student-run newspaper intended as a public forum. It publishes four days a week during the regular fall and spring semesters. During the last eight weeks of summer Collegian distribution drops to 3,500 and is published weekly. During the first four weeks of summer the Collegian does not publish.

Corrections may be submitted to the editor in chief and will be printed as necessary on page two. The Collegian is a complimentary publication for the Fort Collins community. The first copy is free. Additional copies are 25 cents each. Letters to the editor should be sent to letters@collegian.com.

Everybody makes mistakes, including us. If you encounter something in the paper you believe to be an error, email errors@ collegian.com.

EDITORIAL STAFF | 970-491-7513 Hilarious Candelario | Editor-in-Chief editor@collegian.com Shelberina HA-lsinger | Managing Editor managingeditor@collegian.com HA HA HA-stin Fleskes | News Director news@collegian.com Italian Sperry | News Editor news@collegian.com Jayla Hodge-Podge | Opinion Editor letters@collegian.com Ash-Slinging-Slasher Potts | Sports Director sports@collegian.com Duke Tallmann | Sports Editor sports@collegian.com Henry Weatherman | A&C Director entertainment@collegian.com

Elena Bald-Man | A&C Editor entertainment@collegian.com Meg Memes | Design Editor design@collegian.com Cornish Shepherd | Photo Director photo@collegian.com Forrest Gump | Photo Editor photo@collegian.com Mikaela Joken-baugh | Digital Production Manager mrodenbaugh@collegian.com Gina “The Rock” Johnson | Social Media Editor socialmedia@collegian.com Gabsinthe No-Go | Night Editor copy@collegian.com MLA Styler | Copy Chief copy@collegian.com

Follow CSU Collegian on Instagram Italian Sperry | Webmaster webmaster@collegian.com Marlo Pun-dak | Videography Director video@collegian.com

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Leslie Corny | Student Media Advisor Sims 4 Blumhardt | Advertising Manager Hannah Montana | KCSU Adviser Austin, Texas | Photo Advisor

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Distribution | 970-491-1774 Classifieds | 970-491-1683 Display Advertising | 970-491-7467

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News | Monday, April 1, 2019

CITY

Local election canceled; no one notices

By Sam-I-Am Ye @samxye4

Due to lack of voter interest, the 2019 Fort Collins elections have been canceled.

Also due to lack of interest, no one has reacted to this development.

“In some ways, it is disappointing that really absolutely no one gave a crap,” said Angie Timanda, City of Fort Collins scantron manager. “But it’s also a good sign for us in the local government, since that means the City is running so flawlessly that no one feels any urge to change anything.”

The City made the decision to cancel by sending out pre-election ballots asking if they should bother counting the actual ballots this year.

When no one replied, they took that as a no.

With the election canceled, the current City Council candidates, as well as policies and taxes, will just have to continue serving their roles as if this term is never-ending. If the low voter interest persists, future elections may be canceled as well, and all current Coun-

cilmembers will just have to keep serving until they die.

Upon finding out the election was canceled, political science major Jimothy Tanner said he was “appalled and outraged by this smear on our democracy.” When Yeehaw Junction reached out to him again the next day, he had already forgotten what his statement was referring to.

“That explains why City staff have been saying ‘Who are you? You’re not a Councilmember.

Please get out of this office,’ to me all week.”

TIM MCMALLEN NOT THE NEW DISTRICT 5 CITY COUNCILMEMBER

Annie Hui, sociopathic major at Colorado State University, said she vaguely recalled getting an election ballot in the mail but since it looked so short and easy to fill out, she must have procrastinated it away.

“There’s just so many more

appealing things to do, like 60page readings or 20-page essays, something that can really keep me up until 2 a.m. every night and scar me for life, you know?” Hui said. “Compared to classwork, it was just so daunting to fill out a tiny little ballot with only four questions.”

Of the 205.8 CSU students Yeehaw Junction surveyed, only eleventeen % were aware the local elections were even happening. That is slightly lower than the overall 25% reported by the Coloradoan.

And voters aren’t the only ones who failed to follow the election closely.

Resident Tim McMallen, who had thought the election had simply passed without any fanfare, was shocked to find he had not actually won the District 5 City Council seat.

“That explains why City staff have been saying ‘Who are you? You’re not a Councilmember. Please get out of this office,’ to me all week,” McMallen said.

McMallen was then double-shocked by the fact that he was never running for City Council in the first place.

Overall, the City is not too

Local elections have been canceled, possibly starting a national trend among polling groups and city governments. “Local ballots are just useless these days, nobody cares about the state of their city,” said Mike Michaels, public engagement managing supervisor for the City of Fort Collins. GRAPHIC BY SAM-I-AM YE AND MEG MEMES YEEHAW JUNCTION

beat up about the cancellation.

“We try to make elections fun, we try to be all perky and colorful and get those resources out,” Timanda said. “But at some point, when people keep showing us they don’t care what laws they’re made to follow, they don’t care how we alter their utility bills, they don’t care what transportation options are available to them. It’s

time for us to start listening.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. By the way, the elections are not canceled, ballots are due by 7 p.m. tomorrow.

Sam-I-Am Ye can be reached at news@collegian.com.

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Yeehaw >> from page 1 “I’ll be honest, there were times when I was in this newsroom for over 12 hours, and the only thing that kept my spirits up was Seth Bodine saying, ‘Yeehaw,’” said Shelberina HA-lsinger, Yeehaw Junction managing editor. “‘Yeehaw’ is the only reason I pulled through for this paper.”

When asked about the name change, Bodine told Yeehaw Junction it was an honor to have his catchphrase inspire the next chapter of CSU’s student-run newspaper.

“My first word as a baby was ‘yeehaw,’” Bodine said. “It’s really amazing that my first — and my favorite — word gets to be the name of a paper that has a long history at CSU.” “Yeehaw” was so commonly repeated during our days, afternoons and evenings in the newsroom that students passing through our offices started to lovingly refer to it as “Yeehaw Junction.”

With that in mind, we made the decision to continue the work of this publication under this loving moniker bestowed

News | Monday, April 1, 2019

upon us.

We’ve been known as The Collegian for more than 125 years, and now it’s time to be known as Yeehaw Junction for 125 more. We hope you’ll enjoy this new name as much as we do.

“My first word as a baby was ‘yeehaw.’ It’s really amazing that my first — and my favorite — word gets to be the name of a paper that has a long history at CSU. ” SETH BODINE FORMER NEWS EDITOR & NIGHT EDITOR OF THE COLLEGIAN

Yeehaw and haw yee, Colorado State.

Sincerely, Hilarious Candelario, editor-in-chief.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Hilarious Candelario can be reached at editor@collegian.com.

CAMPUS

JMC offering class in writing fake news, conspiracy theories

By Ravyn Caw-lor @RCullor99

The Colorado State University Department of Journalism and Media Communications announced it will offer a writing class in Fake News and Conspiracy Theories next fall.

Debbie O’Hara, the professor slated to teach the class, says teaching journalistic integrity and objectivity sets students up for failure after graduation.

“Telling journalism students that their job is to search for the truth and tell people’s stories is a waste of time,” O’Hara said. “What newspapers and TV stations are looking for are people who will lie to the American public.”

She said the $45,000 salary the liberal billionaire (whose name Yeehaw Junction has been barred from printing) who owns all the media pays journalists usually convinces reporters to abandon their morals and better judgment.

“Telling journalism students that their job is to search for the truth and tell people’s stories is a waste of time. What newspapers and TV stations are looking for are people who will lie to the American public.”

DEBBIE O’HARA JMC PROFESSOR

The class covers both fake news and conspiracy theory writing, so graduates will be prepared to create confusion and anger on either side of the political spectrum. Topics

The Clark C Wing is home to many journalism classes on campus.

Journalism professors at Colorado State University only teach tactics for reporting on and photographing fake news, false accusations and outright lies that nedanger democracy.

PHOTO BY MATT BEAN MAN YEEHAW JUNCTION

from how to make politicians look bad to how to fake a tragedy will be covered.

“It’s really about destroying America and democracy overall,” said Alex Martin, the managing editor of Colorado Liberal Media Times.

“JFK believed it was journalists’ jobs to monitor those in power and show the people of America what their leaders were actually doing,” Martin said. “He really believed the First Amendment is a pillar of

our democracy. Our goal is to prove him wrong.”

The class will be available only to JMC student during fall 2019 registration in order to keep the secrets of the industry under wraps.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Ravyn Caw-lor can be reached at news@collegian.com.

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News | Monday, April 1, 2019

CAMPUS

Democratic geese secretly controlling University

By Dorito Vida & Emily Girs-chip @CSUCollegian

It has long been theorized by students and residents of Fort Collins that Front Range geese are more than the average bird. Now, recent discoveries by Yeehaw Junction have uncovered a startling discovery: Colorado State University is likely secretly controlled by a democratic society of geese.

“Have you ever noticed how the geese around campus act?” asked conspiracy theorist and CSU student Darcie Stevens.

“You can run at them all you want, but they’re not scared of us. Why? Because they control us.”

Large gatherings of geese have often been spotted throughout campus for as long as Stevens can remember. She suspects they are conducting governmental meetings at these gatherings.

The geese’s presence is even felt in Old Town, where the “Spirit of Fort Collins” fountain lies. This fountain is believed by some to be an ode

to the original group of geese leaders. It is even theorized that the geese’s headquarters lie beneath the fountain.

The appearance of this goose society in Fort Collins can be credited to Gurney “Father Goose” Crawford. Crawford raised the first resident population of geese in Fort Collins, which he hatched in 1957. He continued to care for the goose population until his death in 1984.

Theorists such as Stevens have reason to believe Crawford was the catalyst the geese needed to construct their democratic regime here at Colorado State University.

Yeehaw Junction reached out but was unable to contact any Fort Collins geese. When approached by our reporters, they squawked and flew away.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Dorito Vida and Emily Girschip can be reached at news@ collegian.com.

A goose watches over the Colorado State University Lagoon. It has long been thought by students and conspiracy theorists that the University is controlled by geese. PHOTO BY FORREST GUMP YEEHAW JUNCTION

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News | Monday, April 1, 2019

CAMPUS

University parking remains unparalleled

By Laura “The Stud” Studley @laurastudley_

Known for its abundance of spaces and cheap fees, parking lots at Colorado State University are world-renowned.

Parking at CSU has been called exemplary by students for years, but recently the University has received a prestigious infrastructure award for their innovative work.

The success has caught the attention of other Colorado universities. The University of Colorado Boulder, University of Northern Colorado and University of Denver are all aiming to model their parking lot infrastructure after CSU. The remodels are anticipated to begin at the start of 2020.

“CSU parking is always available to accommodate students needing to park,” said Ariana Vente, a sophomore journalism major. “Especially when I am running late to class. I know my morning is going to start off right because I am guaranteed a spot, no question.”

Parking Services are understanding and accessible according to Megan Andrews, a junior graphic design major.

“CSU Parking Services are unbeatable,” Andrews said.

“They are always willing to settle a dispute. I never see them giving tickets. I don’t even know what (Parking Services’) car looks like.”

Dorothy Roberts, a thirdyear French major, adds that the Parking Services answer her phone calls in a timely fashion when she has questions.

“I feel like I don’t pay enough money to this school, and this is the perfect way to make up for that!”

ARIANA VENTE SOPHOMORE JOURNALISM MAJOR

“Nothing warms my heart more than spending an hour on hold with CSU Parking Services,” Roberts said. “It makes my voice feel heard.”

Though parking is not completely free for students, they are more than willing to pay the inexpensive parking fee because they want to give back to their University.

“I am on campus for 12 hours and pay for parking every day,” Vente said. “I feel like I don’t pay enough money to this school, and this is the perfect way to make up for that!”

Additionally, the walk from the Morgan Library parking lot located on the west side of the library is safe, efficient and easy to navigate.

“I have to walk from the parking lot to the library to get to work,” said Eric Shepardson, a mathematics major. “People on bikes and skateboards are always courteous of pedestrians.

I have yet to see an issue where a student cannot safely cross from the parking lot to the other side of the path with ease.”

CSU is continuing to pave the way for better, safe infrastructure, one parking space at a time.

For more information about the Parking Services on campus, visit the Parking and Transportation Services website.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Laura “The Stud” Studley can be reached at news@collegian.com

Parking on Colorado State University’s main campus is unparalleled in its structure, capacity and easy access. Nearly free parking in all lots during university business hours, ample parking spaces and large parking lots are just some of the reasons CSU’s main campus has earned top accolades from international parking competitions since 2014. YEEHAW JUNCTION FILE PHOTO

CAMPUS

Super fan burns entire closet after watching Marie Kondo

By Ash-Slinging-Slasher Potts @ashleypotts09

Colorado State University Police responded to a call yesterday afternoon after multiple parties reported seeing smoke near Braiden Hall.

Students walking on the sidewalk around the dorm building said they saw smoke at around 8:00 a.m. and smelled something they couldn’t place.

“There was smoke coming from behind the building, but it didn’t smell like smoke,” Ashley White, a sophomore psychology major said. “I wasn’t sure what the smell was, but it was awful. I thought it was weird so I called CSUPD.” Campus police reported to the scene at around 8:15 a.m.

They searched the perimeter and made their way around the parking lot behind the building.

In the parking lot they found a male student in his underwear standing over a small fire. The officers approached the man to question him.

“At first I thought he was maybe under the influence,” CSUPD officer Jake Jones said.

“But he seemed to have a clear head.”

The man, who has been

identified as freshman Fabian Graves, said he was burning a pile of CSU Rams t-shirts and paraphernalia.

“I was watching that Marie Kondo show on Netflix and decided that after the year the Rams have had, none of this stuff sparks joy for me any more,” Graves said. “I thought I’d put some of her advise to use and make some space in my tiny dorm closet. I may have taken it a bit far looking back.”

Graves added that while Kondo’s advice is overwhelmingly positive, he got upset while walking out to the dumpster and that’s why he opted for fire rather than just getting rid of the items.

“I don’t know. I just started thinking about that beautiful stadium and all the potential I thought it had when I decided to come here,” Graves said.

“And also thinking about how much money I apparently wasted on all of this stuff.”

Graves had calmed down by the time police reported to the scene.

“He just looked sad when we approached him,” Jones said. “I kind of felt bad for him, honestly.”

Graves was issued a warning

and sternly reminded about the dangers of playing with fire, but wasn’t arrested or fined.

“Burning things isn’t what Marie Kondo would do, I know that,” Graves said. “I’m grateful they only gave me a warning.”

“I was watching that Marie Kondo show on Netflix and decided that after the year the Rams have had, none of this stuff sparks joy for me any more.”

FABIAN GRAVES FRESHMAN STUDENT

Graves did say the one piece of Rams gear he kept was a CSU Softball sweatshirt because their current 18-game win streak brings him joy.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Ash-Slinging-Slasher Potts can be reached at sports@collegian.com.

Colorado State University Police responded to a report of smoke near Braiden Hall. They arrived to find freshman Fabian Graves emotionally burning his CSU gear. PHOTO BY MATT RACKET YEEHAW JUNCTION

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News | Monday, April 1, 2019

CAMPUS

Campus stop sign on strike after being ignored by bikers

By Delaney Alien @DelaneyAllen

6 Reasons to support abortion

A local stop sign has made headlines across the city this week after going on strike. The sign, who is located at a prominent intersection near one of Colorado State University’s many dismount zones, says he has been feeling increasingly useless as the year progresses.

“It’s hard, you know, feeling worthless. I think I do a good job — I’m very visible and don’t move around too much, but when I make eye contact with a biker, they breeze right past me,” the sign said through sobs, wiping tears away at a recent press conference. “I feel like I can’t even fulfill the only purpose I have.”

without shame or stigma.W e’re hereon h te

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“I could’ve been the first stop sign employed at NASA, but I thought traffic safety and helping to build a sense of community was my true purpose.”

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COLORADO STATE UNIVERSITY STOP SIGN

The sign, who wishes to remain anonymous, fears the backlash he may receive from bikers on campus. It explains that, although it is only trying to help the flow of traffic, bikers oftentimes do not like being forced to obey traffic laws.

“If there are no cars coming, I just breeze on by. It’s really not that big of a deal,” said a student biker, who also wishes to remain anonymous. “Occasionally, a pedestrian looking to cross will give me a look like they have the right of way or something, but I have places to be too!”

The striking stop sign has been employed on campus since 2006. Losing it’s career and employee benefits is a concern for him, it explains, but he is trying to “prioritize important traffic concerns” over his own livelihood.

“I have a degree in astrophysical sciences from Princeton, so I think I should be taken a little more seriously around here,” the sign said.

“I could’ve been the first stop sign employed at NASA, but I thought traffic safety and helping to build a sense of community was my true purpose.”

Bikers on their way to campus gain speed before blowing through an easy-to-see stop sign on the west side of campus. Local stop signs have expressed strong feelings about bikers disregarding their bold statements. PHOTO BY

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CLARA SHOOTS YEEHAW JUNCTION

The sign is unsure how long he will continue to strike. The sign said it’s cause is gaining more traction the longer he is out of commission, but that it has important medical concerns he needs to fund.

“My daughter needs a lifesaving kidney transplant, so I may be forced to go back to work soon to pay for it. It really is a helpless feeling,” the sign said.

More updates will be released on this story as they become available.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

No stop signs were harmed in the writing of this satire.

Delaney Alien can be reached at news@collegian.com.

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Abortion is important because giving people bodily autonomy contributes to self empowerment.

Having the ability to decide if and when to have a child is something that gives people control over their bodies and therefore control over their lives. The decision to care for a child is the decision to put your life on hold and if someone loses that freedom to decide, they lose their freedom over their life.

Abortion is important because it provides people second chances In life, people are constantly making mistakes and more often than not, they get a second chance to correct them and move on. Abortion is a second chance for individuals to correct a mistake that they had little to no control over. And while the consequences of this second chance are typically greater than others, ending a hypothetical life is better than ending the life of an already living, breathing person.

Abortion is important because complications during pregnancy can happen While there are great advancements in the medical field to help pregnant individuals, complications still happen. If the pregnancy has the potential to kill the mother or if the fetus will suffer severe issues when it comes into the world, sometimes people have to turn to abortion so there is less suffering overall.

Abortion is important because people’s emotional, mental, and physical states matter There is constant argument over what time of a pregnancy that the

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fetus can begin to feel things. But what a lot of these arguers forget to acknowledge is the fact that the person carrying the fetus has the capability to feel and understand what is happening right now.

Abortion is important because it’s just as selfless, as it is a selfish decision A lot of the reasons someone decides to go through an abortion usually have one main factor in mind, the person doesn’t believe that they can be the kind of parent that is required to care for a child.

They don’t want to bring a baby into the world with the knowledge that the baby would get less love and support than if the parent waited until they knew they could properly care for a child.

Abortion is important because deciding to be a parent is an important decision Not only does parenthood require a lot of time, around 20 years, it also requires the ability to financially take care of a child and sometimes the current financial situation of someone isn’t enough to properly care for a child. And babies that are wanted are more likely to get the care and nurturing that help them develop into great individuals.

If you have any questions or want to become a reproductive rights advocate and contribute to supporting abortion, feel free to visit The Brazen Project’s Facebook page to learn more and keep an eye out for Brazen events on campus to get involved.

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News | Monday, April 1, 2019

CAMPUS

Yeehaw Junction writers lose creative spark after LSD operation busted

By Marshmallow Dunham @gnarshallfunham

Citing a lethargic attitude and saying “the magic just wasn’t there anymore,” writers at Yeehaw Junction ran up against massive amounts of writer’s block following the bust of an LSD operation in Loveland last week.

“We’ve been doing really well this year when it comes to our creativity,” said Yeehaw Junction writer Gary Parker. “We’ve been really good about creating a lot of unique, clever material.

But this LSD bust has really put us in a bind.”

Parker went on to add that usually, the Yeehaw Junction team would have no trouble coming into the newsroom, putting on a Phish or Grateful Dead album, and getting down to business.

Now, according to Parker, the creative juices aren’t flowing like they used to.

“Our man, he was busted carrying 1,000 doses of LSD,” remarked Parker while sporting several heady pins in his tye-dye snapback hat. “That’s a lot, but it

sure would have come in handy in time for deadline today.”

Parker went on to say he was worried the paper may have to fold due to the recent local confiscation of the well-known hallucinogenic substance first synthesized by Swiss chemist Albert Hoffman in 1938.

“I miss the old days, when we’d walk around the newsroom muttering to ourselves and having hysterical giggle fits while sporting pupils the size of dinner plates.

Now, this just feels like work” GARY PARKER YEEHAW JUNCTION WRITER

“I miss the old days, when we’d walk around the newsroom muttering to ourselves and having hysterical giggle fits while sporting pupils the size of dinner plates,” Parker said. “Now,

this just feels like work.”

Parker went on to state that he had grown incredibly fond of the “Burning Man Vibe” that the Yeehaw Junction newsroom offered, complete with shag carpet, beaded doorway curtains and trippy-look tapestries.

“Between journalists like Tom Wolfe and Hunter S. Thompson, I’m pretty sure I can’t be a functioning journalist unless I’m absolutely tripping balls,” Parker remarked. “Which is a damn shame, because my dealer just got arrested and I have an article due in a couple of hours.”

Parker concluded by saying that this LSD shortage left him “totally bummed out” before adding that he was going to go slink off and stare into a campfire for a few hours.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Marshmallow Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com.

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Opinion | Monday, April 1, 2019

HEAD TO HEAD

YEEHAW JUNCTION COLUMNISTS

Is astrology the most important science? Opinion desk announces Jayla Hodgepodge @JaylaHodge

As inspiring as the stars are in all their cosmic beauty, classifying astrology as a science is for those out of tune with this planet.

Considering astrology as a legitimate science is disrespectful to actual STEM fields. My colleague, a self-proclaimed astrologist and “lover of the stars,” Let’s McWillies argues the viability of Astrology simply because she herself could not pass any of the real science courses offered at Colorado State University.

Astrology is a pseudoscience because it claims to be using facts, such as the movement of the planets, to predict human behavior. But in reality there is no factual evidence that supports the idea that the position of the stars and planets affects or predicts how humans behave or their personality traits.

Astrology, in particular the idea of horoscopes, are false notions of predetermined fate given to individuals who are simply looking for outlets out-

Let’s McWillies @LetaMcWilliams

Many fields of science in today’s society are up for debate on whether or not their findings are true. Among these burning trash heaps of falsity, rises one star: astrology.

Fake news is an epidemic, which applies to the sciences above anything else. Astrology, unarguably, is the most intrinsically enlightening science that there is. It’s the perfect middle ground between religion and science, giving its believers predictions and advice to follow for their entire lives.

The second we’re born, we have a path given to us by the stars. It doesn’t determine our destinies, but it tells us how we’ll react to certain people, situations and events. No matter who you are, the stars will welcome you.

Contrary to popular belief, astrology is not just one sign that defines who you are.

There are eleven different signs that dictate your reactions and your compatibility with others. Stella Anderson, a believer in the stars, had her

side themselves to blame for the bad shit that happens to us.

Astrology is for bored housewives and basic girls to use to try to understand why Chad, Brad, or their Dad didn’t text them back; they look to the “stars.”

“Astrology is for bored housewives and basic girls to use to try to understand why Chad, Brad, or their Dad didn’t text them back; they look to the ‘stars.’”

“It’s so comforting to look up at the stars and know their is so much to the universe than myself, that the stars have a plan for me. Like I didn’t bother studying for my Chem test because my horoscope already said I was gonna fail, so like why waste time studying? “ said second year Ancient Greek history major, Julia Stine. “It was right too. I had the worst grade in my class.”

McWillies argues that Astrology should be taken seriously. McWillies claims to be an “Aries sun, Aquarius moon, and Virgo rising,” and uses

awakening after breaking up with her boyfriend of six years.

“I was so stupid to think we would work out,” Anderson said. “He’s a Cancer and I’m an Aries, I was just fooled by his Capricorn Ascending.”

“There was this cute boy in my class, I figured out our compatibility and I convinced him we’re meant to be. It’s the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.”

SIERRA PETERS LOVER OF ASTROLOGY

My boss and opinion editor, Jayla Hodgepodge, claims that astrology is the least credible pseudo-science there is and that it gives us an excuse to behave poorly. Unfortunately, being a Pisces, she’s so out of tune with reason and rationality that her opinion doesn’t even matter. Quite frankly, Hodgepodge could use some insight on why she acts like such a self-righteous know it all (she’s a Virgo Ascending, for the record).

Little does Hodgepodge

these characteristics as an excuse to be loud, flaky, unmotivated, and ultimately un-fireable. She claims her signs are to blame for her bad behavior.

Last week I asked McWillies, also the assistant editor to the Opinion desk, to help me edit some articles to which she responded “Mercury is in retrograde, I can’t be expected to do any communication-oriented task well,” and breezed out the office reading a BuzzFeed article.

Yeehaw Junction reached out to acclaimed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson to weigh in on the argument. He responded, “We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust.

Not only do we live among the stars, the stars live within us.

This being said...Astrology is still bullshit.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways.

Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Jayla Hodgepodge can be reached at letters@collegian.com.

know I only got the job as Assistant Editor because we’re compatible with our sense of responsibilities and my horoscope said I would have luck with my work life the day of the interview. This is anything but a coincidence.

Many crack jokes about how astrology isn’t a good way to find love, but Sierra Peters, another believer, said otherwise.

“Personally, I’ve had the best experience with astrology,” Peters said. “There was this cute boy in my class, I figured out our compatibility and I convinced him we’re meant to be. It’s the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.”

There are many viable sources to visit if you’re interested in astrology. Whether you’re enlightened through websites, apps or newsletters, the stars are always looking for more followers. We are all linked to the cosmos, astrology is just the threshold.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Let’s McWillies can be reached at letters@collegian.com.

exit from the paper

The opinion desk announced its separation from the Yeehaw Junction, formerly known as The Collegian on Sunday.

Although the name change pushed them over the edge, the opinion desk has many grievances.

“Basically, nowadays, news is just opinion anyway, so we decided we don’t need the school newspaper anymore. We are already the most interesting content,” opinion editor Jayla Hodgepodge said with a smirk and a shrug.

Opinion desk columnists note that there is no point in telling the truth when people in the comment sections tell them they are lying anyway.

After repeatedly battling with internet trolls in Facebook comment sections, desk members’ fingers are bleeding from copy and pasting so many links to relevant articles.

“We will be fine without them,” remarked Editor-in Chief Hilarious Candelario, trying to convince herself that it was true with shaking hands and a tear rolling down her face.

Members of the opinion desk also report that they are tired of having to comply with news writing standards, such as putting an active verb in headlines even though its a “stupid” rule.

“I just want to write about squirrels without worrying about AP style,” said satirist Ethan Faster.

Due to extenuating circumstances, most of them hangovers, desk members have continuously

struggled to make the Sunday 6 p.m. weekly meeting time. Once Game of Thrones starts, these issues will only become more complicated.

Everyone has heard that the world of journalism can be stressful, and nowhere is that truer than on the opinion desk. “I really struggle with self esteem now after working alongside Jayla,” said Assistant Editor Let’s McWillies. “She is literally flawless. And she can sing.”

Hodgepodge said she sees potential in her desk, and wants all of them and herself to become CEOs instead of journalists.

“We are worth more than what Yeehaw Junction is paying us,” Roring Plunkett, desk member, said.

“One time I got paid with a quarter-used Juul pod, and I don’t even smoke.”

Despite leaving Yeehaw Junction, the desk thanks the publication for the lessons they’ve learned while working there.

“If the The Collegian can leave CSU for wanting to say ‘F*CK BUSH’, we can leave Yeehaw Junction for wanting to watch Game of Thrones,” said columnist Marshmallow Dunham.

“It’s been a wild ride, and now it’s time to move on,” Hodge said.

“But we will miss the fluorescent lights of the newsroom basement.

We took the TV remote with us, though.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Abby Vector Graph can be reached at letters@collegain.com.

HAW

YEE

By Abby Vector Graph @abbym,_vg

&

Forgetting about weekly quizzes for classes.

Finishing your work early.

Crying about graduation.

Getting back to your Wild West roots.

When the wrong people find your Finsta.

Meeting cool moms.

Not being pranked because you don’t have friends.

Not getting pranked.

Being the most gullible person on April Fool’s Day.

Not falling for April Fool’s jokes because you are the joke.

10 |

Sprots | Monday, April 1, 2019

FOOTBALL

Chad Clark spills overpriced beer, blames everyone but himself

By Tyler McWired @TMeguire

Chad Clark sat down on the uncomfortable steel bleachers at Canvas Stadium and instantly spilled his overpriced beer.

Football fans across the nation have the ever-lasting problem of buying an expensive cup of beer, taking it back to their seats and then instantly spilling it the second they sit down. A recent report of this devastating event featuring Clark surfaced a week ago. Innocent bystanders reported exactly what happened.

“This guy in a pink polo and khaki shorts spilled his beer and started freaking out,” said Connie Sandoval, a witness of the incident. “He started using very explicit language because he was so mad.”

Sandoval also said Clark proceeded to start blaming the people around him for spilling the beer on himself.

“This is all of your faults,” Clark said. “If you guys would not be so loud I could have concentrated on sitting down with my beer.”

Sources state this incident oc-

curred at the Colorado State vs.

Wyoming game October 26, 2018.

“It happened near the beginning of the game,” said Erik Oliver, a nearby Rams fan. “I was just sitting there when all of a sudden I heard a bunch of commotion.”

“If you guys would not be so loud I could have concentrated on sitting down with my beer.”

CHAD CLARK AIRPOD USER

Oliver said Clark attempted to fight some of the bystanders who were laughing at the incident.

The Yeehaw Junction managed to get a hold of Clark to get his side of the story. He is still very upset about the incident.

“Yeah these dudes were laughing at me, so I asked them if they wanted to throw down,” Clark said. “I was ready to throw with them, but after I said my dad would sue them, they ran away.”

Clark put some of the blame on concessions for not having lids

on the cups.

“I just do not understand why they do not put lids on the beer cups,” Clark said. “What is this CU Boulder? We should actually have rules here.”

Clark has been talking to ASCSU to establish a bill that requires all alcoholic beverages to be served with lids.

“I just do not want other people to go through the traumatic experience I did,” Clark said. “I was wearing my brand new Sperrys and now I can’t even wear them without thinking about that awful day.”

Clark is hopeful by next football season ASCSU will pass this bill.

“Hopefully next season I will be able to buy a beer with a lid on it,” Clark said. “Then I will be able to just watch the game and not have to worry about spilling my beer.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Tyler McWired can be reached at sports@collegian.com.

Reports of Colorado State University sports fans spilling beer have been leaked by sources close to the story. In some states and provinces of Canada, spilled beer is punishible by revoked drinking rights or cancelling cable TV sports packages, including NBA, NHL and MLB channels. PHOTO BY DEVIN CORNY-LIUS YEEHAW JUNCTION

ATHLETICS

CSU offers to pay students to stay past halftime

By Forrest Gump @ForrestCzar

Colorado State University students may be able to earn back their student loan debt starting next fall. The University recently announced plans to keep students in the stands past halftime, or through the start of the third period, for any CSU sporting event.

The University will be offering $10 per quarter to each student who stays past halftime during the regular football and basketball seasons and $10 per set at volleyball games. For games where the Rams are losing by more than 30 points at the start of the fourth quarter, the pay grade increases to $25 per student, and includes an additional $15 for each friend who stays to watch the beatdown.

Fans will also receive $10 per intramural or club sport attended.

The ambitious plan was announced after a season of nearly-empty Canvas Stadium seats during football games, low attendance rates for men’s and women’s basketball and tumbleweeds outnumbering the fans at volleyball matches.

“I just don’t get why fans decide to leave the game after two quarters,” said Billiam McWilliams, the Stadium Capacity and

Fan Engagement Coordinator at Colorado State University.

“You look at teams like the Tarheels, Michigan and even the Crimson Tide of all teams, and their stadiums are bursting at the seams with fans all game long,” McWilliams added.

“It would be pointless to go get sunburnt, pay for overpriced beer and watch us lose when I could just as easily get sunburnt and drink cheap, gross beer at a trashy day-ger.”

BORSEPH HARPER CSU JUNIOR

Sporting event attendance

by CSU students reached record-low numbers this past football season. According to some reports, at the end of the CSU-University of Hawaii game only 17 fans remained in the stands. The Rams fell to the Rainbow Warriors 43-34 in one of the most anticipated contests of the season.

“If there’s an option to go watch our football team get steamrolled by an out-of-state school I never knew existed

until now, or go get plastered with my buddies at 2 p.m. on a Saturday, I’m gonna choose the second option,” CSU junior Broseph Harper said through slurred words and massive chugs of warm Extra Gold.

“It would be pointless to go get sunburnt, pay for overpriced beer and watch us lose when I could just as easily get sunburnt and drink cheap, gross beer at a trashy day-ger,” Harper added.

But starting next fall, students like Harper may reconsider getting hammered in a backyard after the end of the second quarter. CSU will be paying students from all majors and graduating classes to stay in the stands longer at all sporting events.

“We really hope this plan will pay off in the long-run,” said a visibly-shaken and sweating Cash Johnson, the Double Executive Financial Manager for the CSU Athletics Department.”

Because if it doesn’t then the University will be screwed, and we may see even fewer fans in the stands.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Forrest Gump can be reached at sports@collegian.com.

Colorado State University announce a plan to incentivize students with money to stay at sporting events after low attendance rates have plagued many of the school’s teams. PHOTO BY FORREST GUMP YEEHAW JUNCTION

The Rocky Mountain Collegian | Monday, April 1, 2019

a m l S m a R 9

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12 |

Sprots | Monday, April 1, 2019

MEN’S BASKETBALL

Rams recruit golden retriever as new point guard

By HA HA HA-stin Fleskes @Austinfleskes07

Colorado State University men’s basketball is about to get paw-some.

In an effort to increase the skill of the team, Niko Medved and the CSU basketball team recruited a golden retriever named Duke to lead the team in the next season.

“Everybody said ‘go to Medved’ so I knew that it was right to send Duke to play for the Rams,” said Andrew Conrad, Duke’s owner. “His skills are exceptional, and I knew that the team will really throw him a bone during practice.”

Duke, the 4-year-old retriever, was born in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, leading Conrad to believe that he had the innate skills to play basketball.

Along with his skills, after the creation of the 1997 hit movie Air-Bud, Conrad felt that it was only fair that Duke had his time in the spotlight.

“Frankly, we have seen some ruff games recently, and I think that Duke is going to make a real difference,” Medved said.

Duke has recently begun practice for the 2019-20 season and has shown exceptional skills in chasing the ball as well as being a good boi.

While media time has been strict for Duke, in a recent press conference he expressed some of his hopes for the coming season as well as some of his concerns.

“Bark bark bark bark, bark woof bark bark,” Duke said.

“Bark bark, bark growl bark bark.”

While Medved and other players are excited to get to play with their new teammate, local CSU basketball fans are a bit worried about Duke’s ability to compete.

“I mean he’s a dog. Not like

“Bark bark bark bark, bark woof bark bark.

Bark bark, bark growl bark bark.”

DUKE CSU MEN’S BASKETBALL POINT GUARD

a cool dog like Scooby-Doo, just a plain old dog,” said local fan Derek Thompson. “If he can be distracted by the popcorn guy walking the stands then he shouldn’t be in charge of the ball.”

Medved addressed a number of these concerns in a recent Facebook wpost.

“Look, you are all barking up the wrong tree here,” Medved wrote. “This is what this team needs so we will be playing Duke as much as we can so that we can be the best team in the league, and I hope that Duke becomes a symbol for other teams across the nation.”

As of now, it seems that

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Duke Conrad, Colorado State University’s newest addition to the men’s basketball team, addresses the media during a recent press conference. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY FORREST GUMP YEEHAW JUNCTION

Duke has already made this impact on other CSU sports teams.

In an attempt to return from an abysmal last season, the CSU football team is planning to recruit CAM the Ram as their new running back.

“Duke is all bite and no bark, and I know that he can really bring something new to the team,” Conrad said. “So let’s go Rams and let’s go Duke.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real

names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

HA HA HA-stin Fleskes can be reached at news@collegian.com.

| 13

Arts & Culture | Monday, April 1, 2019

CAMPUS

CAM the Ram rescued by PETA activists

By Henry Weatherman @NetherlandHenry

Beloved CSU mascot Cam the Ram was rescued Friday by a five-person team from PETA. Cam, who is actually architecture and design student Julio Flores, was reading to students at Bennett Elementary School when the masked activists rushed in, applied a chloroform-soaked rag to Cam’s face and quickly exited the classroom, injuring several children in the process.

The identities of the five rescuers have been protected by PETA leaders due to threats of deportation from President Donald Trump.

“Those damn hippies can eat all the grass they want in New Zealand,” Trump said in regards to the rescuers.

The act of resistance has been praised by animal rights groups internationally with some comparing it to the Stonewall riots of 1969.

Many have cited Cam’s visible lack

of emotion as justifiable evidence of mistreatment by the school.

“He always has this uncomfortable smirk that feels so hollow and vacant,” said Tracy Adams, horticulture major. “It’s like he never changes expression. Like he’s trying to hide something.”

“I’m happy to see the enormous impact our non-misguided actions have caused on all societies and all species.”

ANONYMOUS PETA PARTICIPANT

Even casually interested students feel content with Cam’s removal.

“I’m no vegan or nothing, but he always creeped me out,” said undeclared student Jim Buck. “Everytime I saw that fool I thought

furries were invading campus and shit.”

The rescuers are incredibly proud of their accomplishment.

“I’m happy to see the enormous impact our non-misguided actions have caused on all societies and all species,” an anonymous participant said. “The other day, a squirrel came up to me and was like, ‘You did great today. Mother would be proud. Next stop, KFC headquarters.’ It’s so great hearing positive reinforcement.”

Flores could not be reached for comment, however he submissively holds his head down every time he’s in the presence of the rescuers, forever grateful for their selfless actions.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Henry Weatherman can be reached at entertainment@ collegian.com.

CAM the Ram greets a fan at a CSU basketball game. Some members of PETA may have read this gesture as Cam reaching out for help.

YEEHAW JUNCTION FILE PHOTO

CAMPUS

A day in the life of Tony Frank post-announcement to step down

By Tyson Chicken @tydavisACW

Many of you know Colorado State University president Tony Frank is an eccentric man notorious for his long and often rambling emails. What you might not know is the full extent of his eccentric personality. I asked to sit down with him for a day to get a better understanding of the man, and what he does in a day post-announcement of stepping down as CSU president. However, I could not have expected how zealous his response would be.

Tony Frank insisted I, literally, spend the entire day with him from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. I assured him this was extremely unnecessary, but he insisted I get “the full Tony experience.”

At 6:00 a.m. Frank wakes up and immediately smokes a bowl he packed the night before. I know this because Frank insisted I spend the entire night waiting in his room. I was completely convinced I was going to be murdered. After he finishes the bowl he then rushes to grab his laptop to quickly type out an email.

From there, Frank tells his Alexa to play Richard Wagner’s “March of The Valkyries” through his house speakers while he jogs to his kitchen and punches the air. Frank proceeds to crack four raw eggs into a blender and mix it with

two beer cans, then he chugs the entire thing in one go.

By 7:00 a.m. Frank enters his garage where he throws deuces to a poster of Bruce Lee before tying an American flag bandana around his forehead.

He plays Motorhead from a Bluetooth speaker while practicing nunchucks and hitting a punching bag. He proceeds to this for about an hour.

From there he invites a couple of younger guys over to his house for almost two hours of party drinking games. None of them would say, but I assume they were students as many of them had what appeared to be newer fraternity clothing on.

They all tried to be enthusiastic and encouraging, but it was clear they were all, to some extent, uncomfortable. But Frank was unaware of this and kept the drinking games going while still trying to keep the energy alive.

By 10:00 am I asked him if he should be heading to campus to begin his work for the day. He looked at me in visible disgust while letting out a long groan and dismissing everyone.

He then stomped his feet back to his room and changed into a suit.

By the time he got to his office, there was a large stack of files on his desk which he promptly swiped to the floor.

He slumped into his chair and played with some of the utensils on his desk. For about an hour he played the Wikipedia game,

Colorado State Univeristy President Tony Frank smirks after winning a game of Fortnite on Thursday afternoon instead of attneding to University affairs.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY CORNISH SHEPHERD YEEHAW JUNCTION

for another hour he watched decorative cake making videos, he then scrolled Netflix before deciding to watch at least three seasons of “Parks and Recreation” and “Legend of Drunken Master.”

Finally Frank headed home and immediately retired onto his custom gaming massage

chair, while wearing boxers and a wife-beater. For the rest of the night, Frank alternated between “practicing” Apex Legends and smoking from a four-foot bong until he passed out around 9:30 p.m. with the McDonalds he had ordered earlier stuck to his face. After learning more than I ever cared

to, I snuck out the back and ran as fast as I could.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Tyson Chicken can be reached entertianment@collegian.com.

14 |

Arts & Culture | Monday, April 1, 2019

MOVIES & TV

Netflix announces 11 more seasons of ‘13 Reasons Why’ against audience wishes

By Elena Bald-Man @WaldmanElena

Despite audience pleas to cancel the series, Netflix has just announces 11 more seasons of “13 Reasons Why.” Each season will utilize a different telecommunications method to drive the plot, creating a full 13 seasons. Season three, titled “13 Reasons Why: Even More Reasons,” is set to release July 3.

Though not much is known yet about the season, executive producer Brian Yorkey revealed that hidden notes and messages will be available to characters; however, they will not appear as tapes or Polaroid photos.

“The series has explored the tapes Hannah made previous to her death, and season 2 introduced the Polaroid photos taken of her,” Yorkey said. “What we haven’t explored yet are the morse code messages Hannah encoded via Telegraph before the tapes, that were only made for a few of the characters.”

Dylan Minnette, who plays protagonist Clay on the show, is confirmed to return even angstier than previous seasons. This season, he will abandon his bicycle for a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

“Clay isn’t kidding around anymore - he has no patience left,” Yorkey said. “This season he’s a Metallica fan, and it shows.”

Not much has been revealed about the remainder of the char-

acters, but many of the themes from previous seasons will be revisited.

Due to the heavy backlash from audiences about the controversial ways in which the show addressed mental health and sexual assault, various experts will be hired for the production of the show. To reduce audience dissatisfaction, Yorkey said producer Selena Gomez will be stepping down and HBO veteran Lena Dunham will join the project as a producer and consultant.

“Clay isn’t kidding around anymore...This season he’s a Metallica fan, and it shows.”

BRIAN YORKEY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

“Lena Dunham has been so helpful in the making of the show,” Yorkey said. “We really think she can make this a more nuanced and thoughtful representation about what goes through the teenage mind.”

Dunham commented on her participation in the show, saying the visceral hate she receives on Twitter on a daily basis mirrors the every day struggles of many high schoolers.

“I actually relate to Hannah in a lot of ways, which is why I feel deeply honored to be a part of it,” Dunham said. “(Twitter)

is a particularly heteronormative violent space, and people like me don’t always feel safe or welcome... (Twitter) often reminds me of the hypercapitalist military industrial complex in America, which I think ‘13 Reasons Why’ is ultimately about. I think Hannah felt that way about high school. The difference between Hannah and I is that I refuse to give into the bullies. I will not delete my Twitter.”

Arguably, the announcement of the fourth season has brought in significantly more controversy than it has excitement.

“I can’t begin to understand why they’re doing this,” Twitter user Katelyn Hill said. “They canceled ‘One Day at a Time’ but kept the show that’s essentially universally hated? It makes no sense.”

Despite audience backlash, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said the 11 new seasons will ultimately be a beneficial relationship between Netflix and its audiences.

“It’s important we talk about things like mental health,” Hastings said. “If the only way to do that is to revive a show that has historically created more harm than good, so be it.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Elena Bald-Man can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.

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CLASSIFIEDS

Daily Horoscope

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Mercury Retrograde TODAY’S BIRTHDAY

(04/01/19). Explore fresh terrain this year. Steady routines grow your professional skills.

You could hit the jackpot! Begin a new domestic phase this summer, before professional changes reveal unconsidered options. Your career leaps ahead next winter, leading to domestic renewal. Try new flavors.

To get the advantage, check the day’s rating: 10 is the easiest day, 0 the most challenging.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) —

10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

— 10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) — -1 — Oh...today just isn’t your day. Spilled coffee, missed busses and lost AirPods. Might just want to stay home. Just kidding, go have a good day!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

— 10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — 10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) — 10

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — 10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

— 10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

— You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) —

10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) — 10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — 10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

— 10 — You’re going to have just a swell day. So don’t worry about anything! Just go live a good life.

Deadline to submit classified ads is 4pm the day prior to publication.

To place an ad call 970-491-1683 or click “Classifieds’ at Collegian.com.

Monday, April 1, 2019

| 15

To solve the Sudoku puzzle, each row, column and Collegian.com box must contain the numbers 1 to 9.

Sudoku

Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle 27 Pleads 28 Lid inflammation 29 Rip to shreds Rocky Mt. Collegian 3/28/19 Sudoku 31 Opposite of giveth 35 USO show audience 38 Broadcast with greater image resolution, as TV shows 39 Fat-free milk To solve the Sudoku 40 Spare inpuzzle, a Brit’seach boot row, column and box must41 contain numbers 1 to 9.

Turnsthe down 42 Ill-fated 1967 moon mission 43 “__ of sugar-plums danced in their heads”: Moore 46 Green bowlful 47 Last train car 48 Attached using a Swingline 50 U.K.’s continent 51 Defeat decisively 53 Airline to Tel Aviv 55 Pet adoption org.

60 Letters before gees 62 Halves of qts.

63 Tofu source 65 Dorm VIPs 66 Mischief-maker

Across 1 Half a fluid oz.

5 Ancient Peruvian 9 Jalopies 14 “I’m __ here!”: “Adios!”

15 “North by Northwest” actor Grant 16 Grownup 17 Unpredictable leg joint problem 19 Coffee sweetener 20 Be on the same page 21 Butter square 23 Old AT&T rival 24 Camera largely replaced by its digital version, for short 25 Beef named for a bone 30 Golfer’s booking 32 Diplomatic accord 33 Ancient Icelandic text 34 __ McMuffin 36 “The Deep” director Peter 37 Sally, to Charlie Brown 41 Poe’s one-word bird 44 Stars are seen in it 45 Bars on candy bars, e.g.: Abbr.

49 Disparaging word 52 “Let me say this again ... “ 54 “Love, Simon” co-star 56 Lawyer’s gp.

6

PuzzleJunction.com

9

4

3

4

2

5 3 1 8 2 5

9

6 57 Inventor Whitney 58 $200 Monopoly props.

59 Fable writer 61 Hooves-on-cobblestone sounds 64 Cry for today, and a hint to the starts of 17-, 25-, 37- and 54-Across 67 Lone Ranger’s pal 68 Con job 69 Blend by melting 70 Actress Spacek 71 Locking device 72 Went really fast

7

4 5 7 7 Yesterday’s 3 solution 5

Down 1 How food may be salted 2 Broke into and stole from 3 Mixed with a spoon 4 Walk nervously to and fro 5 “Eww!” 6 Indian bread 7 French pancake 8 “Yes, captain” 9 Is suffering from, as a cold 10 College address suffix 11 Make larger 12 Appease 13 Bowling x’s 18 “Felicity” star Russell 22 Bowling pin count 26 Chatted with online, briefly

8 2

7

7

6 1 9

1

5

9 2 9 5 2 1 8 4 6 8 3 1 7

2 9

7 3 2 6 4

Copyright ©2019 PuzzleJunction.com

Copyright ©2019 PuzzleJunction.com

NEW TECHNOLOGY CLIMATE CHANGE CONTROL SYSTEM FIND OUT MORE! REQUEST INFORMATION BY MAIL Solution Solution Yesterday’s solution

FABER ILLUSTRATED MEGHAN MAHONEY, @FABERILLUSTRATED

7 1 6 5 2 3 9 4 8

8 3 2 4 6 9 1 5 7

4 9 5 1 7 8 6 2 3

6 8 4 9 5 2 3 7 1

1 2 7 6 3 4 8 9 5

9 5 3 8 1 7 2 6 4

2 7 9 3 8 5 4 1 6

3 4 1 7 9 6 5 8 2

5 6 8 2 4 1 7 3 9

PRS GROUP PMB 344 | 117 EAST 37TH STREET 9 1 LOVELAND, 6 8 5 CO480538 7 3 2 4 5 3 7 1 2 6 9 8 8 7 2 6 9 3 4 1 5 3 4 9 5 2 7 8 6 1 6 2 5 1 3 8 9 4 7 1 8 7 4 6 9 2 5 3 7 6 8 3 4 5 1 2 9 2 3 4 9 8 1 5 7 6 5 9 1 2 7 6 3 8 4

Deals & More Deals

THE FOGDOGS RYAN GREENE, @TFOGDOGS

GET YOURS AT THE LORY STUDENT CENTER

16 Monday, April 1, 2019 | The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Outdoor Film Festival

Howl-er Noun, informal 1. a stupid or glaring mistake, especially an amusing one.

lyric logo.png

SUBMISSIONS WANTED

The Howler Outdoor Film Festival by RamPage

DETAILS AT: collegian.com/rampage/rampagehowlerfest/ TH PREMIERING APRIL 27 , 2019 AT The Lyric, Fort Collins