LAKE NORCENTRA NESSY FINALLY ADOPTED >> page 26
FROZEN MASCOT HEAD FOUND TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE UNIVERSITY, NOT PRESIDENT STOGNER >> page 34
ROCHESTER SET TO ADD DOG SLEDDING AS NEW CO-ED SPORTS TEAM >> page 49
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CAMPUS GEESE REALLY GOVERNMENT SPIES >> page 63
PORTAL OPENED IN DC LOBBY TAKES STUDENTS TO DORMS THAT ACTUALLY MEET CODE >> page 104
underground cave system found beneAth palmer hall As the river moving team came to Rochester University this past October to reroute the Clinton River in hopes of saving Palmer Hall, they ended up with a much bigger surprise than they bargained for — they discovered an underground tunnel system. In hopes that vast amounts of jewels would be found, the RU administration decided there was only one man for the job — Dr. David Brackney, chair of the Department of Science and Mathematics. While on this adventure, no jewels were found, but Brackney spoke of how he had hoped they would find some soon. Brackney enlisted the help of his Earth Science class to explore the caves further, offering extra credit for anyone who dares to explore the unknown tunnels. “With 500 extra credit points on the line, of course I’m going to go down there. Plus, rumor has it, that if you bring Dr. Brackney the first jewel from the cave, then you don’t have to take the final!” proclaimed Evangelos Antonopolous, a sophomore business major. Brackney could no longer contain his excitement over the caves, “They’re just so perfect! Look at all those different rock types, imagine what treasures we may find in here!” As Brackney continued on with his chats
about rocks, he also mentioned the university offered to add a geology class since all the resources needed were now available on campus. While there is still no sight of precious jewels within the caves, Brackney remains hopeful as only about 2.8% of the cave system has been explored. In classic RU style, the caves might be turned into classrooms—fitting the general lack of appeal of many campus classrooms. The higher-ups also have decided to involve the Pleasant family in hopes of seeing an increase in revenue. Athletic Director Klint Pleasant hopes to add Competitive Rock Climbing to the evergrowing list of sports teams for the university; the good news is it would be co-ed! Pleasant spoke with us about this opportunity commenting, “The harnesses and ropes will come in before the end of the school year, so we can host tryouts to have at least part of a team ready and training over the summer. It will be completely safe…hopefully!” While Brackney is still frantically searching for jewels in hopes of saving his geology class dreams, he has moved all lectures, departmental meetings and even his desk, to the caves in order to have optimal time to explore in between his busy schedule.
Palmer Hall photographed days before the discovery of underground caves and tunnels. Dr. Mike Muhitch, professor of natural sciences, voiced some concerns about his colleague. “He’s planning our next departmental meeting to be in the caves on walkie talkies so we can still discuss business as we explore further. This guy has gone nuts, but no one can stop him with his dreams of a geology class so close!” While the school is torn over which
activity to fund, it will be up the the Tunnel Administration Team to decide who gets the space. However, rumor has it that Pleasant has already started buying equipment for the competitive rock climbing team. A coach for the team will be found a year-and-a-half after the team has started competing.
SMALL UNIVERSITY SORORITY LINKED TO NATIONAL COVID VARIANT
Sisters of Omicron Omega Zeta pictured above at their Fall Rush Week; too bad they’ll never have a spring one.
As students returned to campus postThanksgiving break, there was considerable worry over the new coronavirus variant, named after the Greek letter Omicron. As significant media sources spoke of the outbreak, they assumed the variant found its way in from Africa since the individual who contracted it had recently come back from traveling there. However, Rochester University students weren’t sure of this origin as news of a sorority Friendsgiving made its way across campus. Some were concerned that none of the members had returned to campus with the rest of the student body. Chase Caribardi, president of Epsilon Theta Chi, was the first to develop the theory that the new variant could have a relation. Caribardi informed Shield Media, “Keep an eye on the sisters of Omicron Omega Zeta; it doesn’t quite make sense that their name matches and on top of it that all of them were quarantined as we come back to campus.” Most of the sorority sisters of Omicron Omega Zeta finished their finals online, and all their meetings moved virtually for the rest of the semester. With all the odds against them, Sarah Liford, Omicron Omega Zeta president and senior elementary education major, made a statement
through Instagram’s live feature on behalf of the sorority claiming, “Omicron has nothing to do with the variant and with Epsilon Theta Chi’s accusations I hope the next variant is named Epsilon so they can know how it feels.” As the spring semester resumed, there were still very few members of Omicron Omega Zeta seen around campus. While the Omicron Omega Zeta had planned to host the first Spring Rush week in campus history, the sorority instead posted to its Instagram saying there would be a postponement of the Rush. The following week another post came out saying the whole Spring Rush week would be canceled. No reason was given by the executive board of the sorority. Another concern is that now officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have been seen around campus taking away the few sorority members on campus, such as vice president Chloe Bachman, a mass communication major who is set to give her senior capstone presentation this semester. Even the sorority’s initials OOZ are suspicious. With all communication coming from the sorority’s Instagram, it is becoming more and more clear that Omicron Omega Zeta can no longer hide its sorority’s connection to the coronavirus variant.
DOOR DASH SIGNS DEAL TO BE EXCLUSIVE DELIVERER FOR FLETCHER CENTER CAFeteria
rochester’s best baseball player promoted to left bench Last Thursday, only a couple of days before the baseball team’s season opener, head coach Scott Kunert announced that he had promoted one of their best players to left bench. In an effort to make this moment memorable for their star player, 10 out of the 73 assistant coaches for the team collectively decided to bedazzle the left side of the bench in the dugout. With a great deal of patience and drive, they finished their masterpiece in only 8 hours, which is a new record since the promotion of former captain Brendan Baber took 17 hours! They even got the star player a bright red tux that was five times too small with the words “RU Baseball’s Best” written on the back. Three days after the season opener, we interviewed the star player himself about his significant achievement. During the interview, he pulled out his phone and blasted “Dance Moms” saying it helps him focus. When questioned about what being left bench entitles, he bolted for the closest door and dissappeared before the interview was over. Later it was discovered he was late for the baseball team slumber party—the movie of the night, “The Notebook.”
The super sweet new seat!
The special new left bench seat is shown here just prior to being bedazzled by the coaches.
school announces plans to add 200 jobs among climate change issues with lake As waters from Lake Norcentra reached the entrance to the doors of the Warrior Center, Rochester University announced its plan this past Tuesday to confront the effects of climate change on Lake Norcentra. While students enjoyed the extra added workout of having to swim to their cars, science department faculty raised their concerns.
THE PLAN To combat this, the plan projects to create nearly 200 new jobs for students and the community members of the greater Rochester area—with the express purpose to arm them with 32-ounce buckets to lower the water lever. McCullough explained that creating more jobs for the community and saving the lake shore are more important in the long run than pure efficiency. “If we ignore the needs of our community for the sake of profit, we’d be overstepping our values. As an institution, we have the duty to set an example for our students,” McCullough said. By the time this project is completed, Lake Norcentra’s shorelines will be safe from further flooding, the tourists will return and Rochester University will have Michigan’s newest saltwater aquarium, which students are refusing to visit due to the high cost of tuition and lack of fish. While the plan may not seem perfect,
Mission impossible 8
Actual promotional movie poster obtained from the studio is clearly a sign they have just given up trying to make anything good.
THE ISSUE Darren McCullough, head of environmental sciences, explained that for years the lake shores have been disappearing thanks to rising water levels. “Without the valuable lakefront property and summer rentals that attract tourist from across the state, the school could lose nearly 25% of its yearly income. This plan would hope to change that.”
Movie Review:
Rating: DLake Norcentra continues to grow in size even during the winter as the icy shoreline continues to make way for the evergrowing waterway
Rochester University faces being shutdown if it does experience the 25% loss in profits from lack of summer rentals. When asked for a statement, President Brian Stogner declined to comment. Yet, a few days after the request for an interview, Dr. Carol Cooper, chair of the Department of Mass Communication, found a flyer that had been slipped under her door. A photo of the flyer appears to the right. We have a sneaking suspicion we know who left the flyer. Although Stogner gave no answers, McCullough wanted to chime-in again: “If you’re curious about the rentals, you should check us out on Airbnb!” He added, “You can even rent and not actually come to campus. The money will go to funding the addition of fish for the aquarium.” The Shield Media staff sincerely hope you will join us on Friday, April 1, for a field trip to the new aquarium!
This flyer of unknown origin appeared under Cooper’s door one morning. We hope to find the creator soon!
In the latest rendition of the Mission Impossible saga, Tom Cruise’s character is actually played by an alien, since he is the leader of Scientology of course. In the movie, he has to end the feud between villains, played by Kanye West and Pete Davidson, or doom will fall all over a small county in Oregon. Cruise teams up with Dwayne Johnson, since he is in every action movie every year. Together they work together to defeat the two villains. RU’s very own Lora Hutson makes a cameo at the end of the movie as the agent who was really helping Cruise the whole time. The overall pacing of the movie is really quick since it’s only 30 minutes. The studio did this so it will have an excuse to make Mission Impossible 9, 10, and 11–26. Studio executives think the viewing public want other movie choices besides Fast & Furious movies. Overall, you should be excited to see this movie, but not this year, or next year, but 2025!
Join the RU Movie Review Club Call (248) 434-5508 to join! Upcoming Movies
Encanto: Bruno’s Revenge Jurassic World: Lake Norcentra Spiderman & the 15 Other Ones Star Wars: Chewy Becomes a Jedi
RU TO RCC Transportation committee down to 2 options
BELOVED RU LANDMARK TAKES A HIKe; faculty wanted it for office space Rochester University’s one and only historic landmark, the Barn, is being moved to Greenfield Village in Dearborn after receiving a $2 million donation from the nonproft organization. Greenfield Village made the large donation with the stipulation that RU give it the Barn. “We just refurbished the Barn, so it’s kinda sad,” said Jacob Lawless, director of operations. “We used to just store old junk there. So before, I would’ve said, ‘Please take this off our hands.’ But now they want it—after all the work we’ve done. Figures. It’s kinda sad to see this gussiedup barn leave our campus.” RU’s maintenance crew will move the barn next week. “We’ve got that little John Deere gator; all we have to do is take off the salt spreader thingy and hitch up the Barn,” Lawless
said. “I think we’ll try to get a police procession as we move the Barn because it might cause traffic issues on I-75 and the Southfield Freeway. I’m sure all the drivers stuck in traffic won’t mind sitting there for a few hours as they watch the barn being moved. It will be good PR for RU.” The Barn, bought in 1927 from the Sears and Roebuck Company and built from a boxed kit, has been the pride of the university. “After the work was done on the Barn, there was a turf-war between faculty members for office space,” said Zac Watson, associate professor of English. “I really wanted my office to be in the hayloft, but I couldn’t get it. It really was a premiere spot for faculty offices, compared to some of the other spaces that are being offered to faculty.”
CRAIG’S CORNER HOROSCOPE HOT TAKES Hey morons! I don’t like horoscopes and you shouldn’t either, but I’m probably right about you. So pipe down and read this horoscope. If you have an opinion, keep it to yourself because I don’t care.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Hey idiot! Maybe slow down and think for a minute! TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Hey moron! Maybe everything in life isn’t about you! GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Hey! You are probably a stupid, compulsive liar!
Rochester University’s staff have been informed about complaints of getting to chapel every Tuesday and Thursday morning. Since the decision to purchase the neighboring Rochester Church of Christ building, the Center for Student Life Office has moved chapel to the church auditorium so the students of Rochester University have started to vocalize their complaints on the issue of transportation. With Michigan’s never-ending winter, it is too cold to walk all the way to the church. Students are also stressed about getting there on time, but at the same time, no one wants to waste the money on gas for driving. As broke and tired college students, it has become a very real problem in need of solving. However, it has become clear that RU has two options to install a form of convenient transportation for everyone in desperate need of it. From our confidential informants familiar with the discussions, many ideas have been suggested so far, but it has come down to two options; a subway or hot air balloon. Installing an underground subway seems more convenient, as it can hold more people than the hot air balloon; however, the RU to RCC Transportation Committee has not made the decision. Students and staff have voiced their concerns and the committee is listening. If you
would like to share your preference on which form of transportation the university should use, contact the committee as soon as possible so they can dismiss you and do what they want anyway.
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This detailed mock up shows how glamorous the potential subway will be.
MORE NEW MAJORS ADDED SUMMER 2024 EXCLUSIVES Two-way Petting Zoo // Description: A non-laboratory study for students to focus on petting zoo animals and zoo animals petting humans. Real noncaged zoo/dangerous animals will be studied. Conflictology // Description: Students will observe the fictional relationship of Nate Jacobs (ugh), Cassie Howard and Maddy Perez. Studies of Winged Warrior // Description: A non-laboratory study of what in the world is Rochester’s mascot. Discussion of prevention of confusion,
animal safety and various related questions. Adulting // Description: Students will actively learn to adapt to the adult lifestyle. Topics include filing taxes, paying bills, changing a tire and doing laundry. Students will learn how to be confident when making their own doctor’s appointments. Gooseology // Description: Students focus on how to approach, communicate, run and strategically serpentine around goose poop from the geese on campus.
DIY WORD SEARCH
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Hey why don’t you try being happy every once in a while… Gosh is that so hard? LEO (July 23-Aug. 23) You’re perfect! VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 22) Hey, lick the floor every once in a while. I didn’t realize dirt kills you! LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Hey moron! Make up your mind! SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Hey stupid head! Calm down! SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Would it kill you to stick with something? CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Hey jerk! Try making friends! AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) EMOTIONS ARE FUN!! You should try having some. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Please don’t kill me.
Find types of water at RU. Then, dm us your answers on Instagram!
TEAM BUS BREAKS DOWN AND FOOTBALL TEAM NEVER RETURNS The Rochester bus frequently doesn’t make it back from games, but usually the team ends up finding a way to get back to campus. This winter Rochester University’s football team was an exception. The RU football team was traveling to the University of Alabama when their bus started having technical difficulties. Since it was a long drive and there was no bathroom on the bus, they had to make frequent bathroom stops. The team’s last stop was two hours from the school. Having a total of 50 athletes on board, the team’s bathroom breaks took a long time, but since more than half of the players had to use the bathroom, the coaches decided to stop. The athletes finally finished using the bathroom and when they found their seats on the bus, the driver turned the key, but the bus wouldn’t start. They tried everything they possibly could, but if they didn’t leave at that moment they would have to forfeit the game, and the coach was not going to let that happen. The football coach decided they were going
to Uber to the game, but the team only had enough money left in its budget to send the starters. As the coach called for the Uber, he began to name the starters, so they could grab their equipment from under the bus. He then called an Uber for himself and the other coaches Before abadoning the rest of his team, he asked them to to try to hitchhike to the game, so they could maybe have a fighting chance. The coaches wished them luck and headed off to the University of Alabama. The players then scattered and tried finding a way to the game but that was the last time we heard from them. While they never did make it to the game, those who did felt the major loss of 75-0 to the SEC university. Upon return, the coaches were fired for their poor decision making. We may never know what happened to the rest of the players, but we do know that those coaches ruined the chances of us ever having a football team again at Rochester University.
Last known photo of the Rochester University football team starters at game verses the University of Alabama
greer admits to hair being made by lego David Greer…or better known as Lego head? After years of speculation, Dr. David Greer, professor of history, decided to come clean about the secrets of his fabled flow. Students and professors alike have been curious as to what hair product he uses and it turns out, it’s Lego! You heard that right, people. The same toy that you and I played with as young children or that we continue to play with today (we won’t judge) is Greer’s actual hair. Greer himself said, “My Lego hair is simply much easier to maintain.” A student in Greer’s Survey of Modern Nationalism class even added, “It was too perfect to be true. I think all of us saw this coming.” Greer was approached by Lego executives in the 1980s to discuss his perfect Legoesege hair. They loved it so much they began to create hair just like it for their beloved minifigures. “I was flattered they wanted to use my hair as the model for their mini-figures, but I wanted my own life-sized hair, too.” They began working to develop a hair
ABOVE David Greer’s hair, as seen here, is an actual Lego wig. BELOW The Lego hairpiece on its stand when Greer isn’t wearing it. piece for Greer and when it was completed in 1990, he began wearing it and no one even noticed! This revelation has really caused a stir around the RU campus as other students, staff and faculty also want the Lego look. Upon further investigation, faculty and staff members Keith Huey, Scott Samuels, Remy Bruder, Gary Turner, Mike Muhitch and Bethany Mussallum have formed a group to lobby for Lego to make their hair (or bald cap for some). Students Cannon Campbell, Lexey Tobel, Lynzie Kirkendall, Wyatt Chun and Allyson Slone have also expressed their desire for their own Lego periwig.
Image blurred to conceal identity but we can tell you the name rhymes with Fent Tagan
HAVE YOU RECENTLY HAD ISSUES WITH THE VENDING MACHINES ON CAMPUS STEaliNG YOUR MONEY? CONTACT THE NUMBER BELOW TO BE COMPENSATED FOR YOUR FINANCIAL AND FOOD LOSSES
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