LAKE NORCENTRA NESSY FINALLY ADOPTED >> page 26
FROZEN MASCOT HEAD FOUND TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE UNIVERSITY, NOT PRESIDENT STOGNER >> page 34
ROCHESTER SET TO ADD DOG SLEDDING AS NEW CO-ED SPORTS TEAM >> page 49
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CAMPUS GEESE REALLY GOVERNMENT SPIES >> page 63
PORTAL OPENED IN DC LOBBY TAKES STUDENTS TO DORMS THAT ACTUALLY MEET CODE >> page 104
underground cave system found beneAth palmer hall As the river moving team came to Rochester University this past October to reroute the Clinton River in hopes of saving Palmer Hall, they ended up with a much bigger surprise than they bargained for — they discovered an underground tunnel system. In hopes that vast amounts of jewels would be found, the RU administration decided there was only one man for the job — Dr. David Brackney, chair of the Department of Science and Mathematics. While on this adventure, no jewels were found, but Brackney spoke of how he had hoped they would find some soon. Brackney enlisted the help of his Earth Science class to explore the caves further, offering extra credit for anyone who dares to explore the unknown tunnels. “With 500 extra credit points on the line, of course I’m going to go down there. Plus, rumor has it, that if you bring Dr. Brackney the first jewel from the cave, then you don’t have to take the final!” proclaimed Evangelos Antonopolous, a sophomore business major. Brackney could no longer contain his excitement over the caves, “They’re just so perfect! Look at all those different rock types, imagine what treasures we may find in here!” As Brackney continued on with his chats
about rocks, he also mentioned the university offered to add a geology class since all the resources needed were now available on campus. While there is still no sight of precious jewels within the caves, Brackney remains hopeful as only about 2.8% of the cave system has been explored. In classic RU style, the caves might be turned into classrooms—fitting the general lack of appeal of many campus classrooms. The higher-ups also have decided to involve the Pleasant family in hopes of seeing an increase in revenue. Athletic Director Klint Pleasant hopes to add Competitive Rock Climbing to the evergrowing list of sports teams for the university; the good news is it would be co-ed! Pleasant spoke with us about this opportunity commenting, “The harnesses and ropes will come in before the end of the school year, so we can host tryouts to have at least part of a team ready and training over the summer. It will be completely safe…hopefully!” While Brackney is still frantically searching for jewels in hopes of saving his geology class dreams, he has moved all lectures, departmental meetings and even his desk, to the caves in order to have optimal time to explore in between his busy schedule.
Palmer Hall photographed days before the discovery of underground caves and tunnels. Dr. Mike Muhitch, professor of natural sciences, voiced some concerns about his colleague. “He’s planning our next departmental meeting to be in the caves on walkie talkies so we can still discuss business as we explore further. This guy has gone nuts, but no one can stop him with his dreams of a geology class so close!” While the school is torn over which
activity to fund, it will be up the the Tunnel Administration Team to decide who gets the space. However, rumor has it that Pleasant has already started buying equipment for the competitive rock climbing team. A coach for the team will be found a year-and-a-half after the team has started competing.
SMALL UNIVERSITY SORORITY LINKED TO NATIONAL COVID VARIANT
Sisters of Omicron Omega Zeta pictured above at their Fall Rush Week; too bad they’ll never have a spring one.
As students returned to campus postThanksgiving break, there was considerable worry over the new coronavirus variant, named after the Greek letter Omicron. As significant media sources spoke of the outbreak, they assumed the variant found its way in from Africa since the individual who contracted it had recently come back from traveling there. However, Rochester University students weren’t sure of this origin as news of a sorority Friendsgiving made its way across campus. Some were concerned that none of the members had returned to campus with the rest of the student body. Chase Caribardi, president of Epsilon Theta Chi, was the first to develop the theory that the new variant could have a relation. Caribardi informed Shield Media, “Keep an eye on the sisters of Omicron Omega Zeta; it doesn’t quite make sense that their name matches and on top of it that all of them were quarantined as we come back to campus.” Most of the sorority sisters of Omicron Omega Zeta finished their finals online, and all their meetings moved virtually for the rest of the semester. With all the odds against them, Sarah Liford, Omicron Omega Zeta president and senior elementary education major, made a statement
through Instagram’s live feature on behalf of the sorority claiming, “Omicron has nothing to do with the variant and with Epsilon Theta Chi’s accusations I hope the next variant is named Epsilon so they can know how it feels.” As the spring semester resumed, there were still very few members of Omicron Omega Zeta seen around campus. While the Omicron Omega Zeta had planned to host the first Spring Rush week in campus history, the sorority instead posted to its Instagram saying there would be a postponement of the Rush. The following week another post came out saying the whole Spring Rush week would be canceled. No reason was given by the executive board of the sorority. Another concern is that now officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have been seen around campus taking away the few sorority members on campus, such as vice president Chloe Bachman, a mass communication major who is set to give her senior capstone presentation this semester. Even the sorority’s initials OOZ are suspicious. With all communication coming from the sorority’s Instagram, it is becoming more and more clear that Omicron Omega Zeta can no longer hide its sorority’s connection to the coronavirus variant.
DOOR DASH SIGNS DEAL TO BE EXCLUSIVE DELIVERER FOR FLETCHER CENTER CAFeteria