»
READ MORE INSIDE
THE
SHALLOT A
S P E C I A L
R O C H E S T E R
A P R I L
C O L L E G E ’ S
1 ,
2 0 1 5
F I N E S T
E D I T I O N
N E W S
S O U R C E
Student Can’t Remember If Professor Is Doctor, Calls Him Sir to Prevent Embarrassment » Full story on page 35
Rochester College Hockey Team Deflates its Pucks in the “Battle for the Jug” NFL tested. Patriot approved. » Full story on page 71
Freshman Flushed Down AG Toilet Still Missing After two weeks, maintenance is still baffled. » Full story on page 24
the ticket is now closed AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT ON RC'S EVER-SO-HELPFUL HELPDESK Helpdesk@rc.edu is the maintenance email address for all of RC’s fix-it needs. Legend holds that if RC students have any issues with their dorm room utilities, they can email Helpdesk, and someone from maintenance will repair the problem. However, some frustrated students claim that no helpful follow-up is ever received. “Last year, a pipe burst in my dorm room. I emailed Helpdesk and told them that my room was flooded. A week later, maintenance delivered a pair of water wings. I spent the rest of the semester in a dorm room that doubled as a swimming pool. I was mad. Black don’t crack, but it still gets pruny,” sophomore Caleb Touchstone said. Recently, Helpdesk’s email account was audited to check for any other cases of negligence. The following messages were uncovered:
FROM: whitehouse@america.usa SUBJECT: ISIS? TO: helpdesk@rc.edu Helpdesk: The Islamic State is getting out of hand. Your military back up is requested. Urgently Yours, President Barack Obama FROM: helpdesk@rc.edu SUBJECT: ISIS? TO: whitehouse@america.usa Mr. Obama: Our drones are not available at this time. Have you tried forming an alliance with Canada? THIS TICKET IS NOW CLOSED. NO FURTHER ACTION CAN BE TAKEN. Blessings, Helpdesk
FROM: kanye@northbynorthwest.com SUBJECT: Collab? TO: helpdesk@rc.edu
FROM: universalpictures@hollywood.com SUBJECT: 50 Shades? TO: helpdesk@rc.edu
Yo Helpdesk:
Casting Call: Universal Studios is searching for a lead actor to play Christian Grey in the new movie, “50 Shades of Grey.” Must be a young, strapping, attractive male. Any takers?
I’m looking for another collaborator for my new album. Rihanna, Paul McCartney and Lorde are already signed. You interested? Yeezus Save You, Kanye West
Sincerely, Universal Studios
FROM: helpdesk@rc.edu
FROM: helpdesk@rc.edu SUBJECT: 50 Shades? TO: universalpictures@hollywood.com
Mr. West, Unfortunately, sick beats cannot be dropped at this time. Have you asked Nickelback to collaborate? That could be dope.
Universal Studios, Unfortunately, Jeff is unavailable for filming at this time.
SUBJECT: Collab? TO: kanye@northbynorthwest.com
THIS TICKET IS NOW CLOSED. NO FURTHER ACTION CAN BE TAKEN. Blessings, Helpdesk
THIS TICKET IS NOW CLOSED. NO FURTHER ACTION CAN BE TAKEN. Blessings, Helpdesk
Geese complain about rc student population growth; residential students relocate
“Honk, honk, HONK HONKHONK,” said Inspector Goose Pablo when reprimanded about the poop circles plaguing campus. Since the above photo was taken, the vandalism has been removed from the roadway.
Mother Goose Katrina of the Lake Norcentra Canadian Geese gaggle has contacted Dean Candace Cain through goose calls and poop circles to discuss the growing RC student population. “Rochester College is a school meant for geese. We’re worried about the problematic number of humans that have overtaken our territory,” Katrina said. Father Goose Harry is considering using a flyover tactic of geese aggressive maneuvers to intimidate the students. “Dean Cain’s job at this school is to advocate for goose rights, but if she won’t fulfill her duties, we’ll be forced to take matters into our own wings. These students are getting in the way of my daily prayer waddle from the lake to the back parking lot,” Father Goose Harry said. The geese met with Dean Cain on the bridge over Lake Norcentra and explained that they would push her into the lake if a compromise could not be reached.
The geese told Cain that they feel threated by the death stares and shows of aggression the geese receive from passing students. “Those death stares will be met with the honk of doom if they are not stopped,” said Enforcer Goose Pablo. “Decreasing the student population by 40 percent will give us enough room to relax and be uninterrupted,” said Geese Elder Antoine de Relaxor. Dean Cain listened to these complaints and, as a solution, offered to move all students currently residing in Gatewood Hall to off-campus apartments at Sunrise Living on Rochester Road. “Freshmen are notoriously cruel to geese. Moving these young students, who frequently disrupt us with their loud noises and defecating problems, off campus will give the gaggle the serenity we need to live happily on the RC campus for centuries to come,” said Elder Goose Antoinette Bonaparte.