The Shallot April Fools 2023

CAMPUS GEESE TAKE OVER GREEK LIFE INTERVIEW WITH JAMES FISHER’S BIGGEST FAN: THE FISHER FISH Q&A WITH CAFETERIA SQUIRREL A

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E D I T I O N

BREAKING NEWS: DR. PEPPER OBSESSIVE GENE DISCOVERED BY NURSING STUDENTS

UNIVERSITY LAWSUIT LEADS TO POTENTIAL MERGER Rochester University is getting sued by University of Rochester for its name being too similar to the Rochester, New York school.

This comes five years after RU, formally Rochester College, decided to change its name. The lawsuit could cost RU upwards of $75.63 in damages unless a settlement is reached outside of court.

RU President Brian Stogner said, “Yeah, we got the lawsuit, but because of legal reasons, I can’t comment on the situation. In my opinion, it seems outrageous since we’ve used this name for five years and all of a sudden a college that’s 400 miles away throws the book at us. It’s RIDICULOUS!” However, RU proposed a solution that could avoid exorbitant legal fees.

The two universities could

become one. Stogner bounced up and down, clapping and excitedly squealed, “We could call it University of Rochester University! URU has a nice ring to it.” To which several adults around him rolled their eyes.

There were mixed emotions among members of RU’s student body. Some students were optimistic and looked forward to the two universities merging.

“I think it would be great, especially for myself as a theater major and my friends who are in the theater program too,” said sophomore Israel Henson.

“I kind of hope the theater program moves to the New York campus because being connected with a college closer to the Big Apple could bring in more theater critics and talent agents, which would be

The sign in front of campus has already been updated to the new name in anticipation of the merger.

AWESOME!” he said.

However, there are still many skeptical students who didn’t hesitate to take a couple of shots at the proposal.

“I think the idea of a merger is stupid. It just doesn’t make sense.

Also if a merger does happen, what does that mean for my tuition? Do I

have to pay two different tuition rates because I’m at a double university?” asked junior Mike Wolf.

Pending the outcome, it’s clear RU, or URU, will get less wrong calls from those looking for University of Rochester in New York.

More information to come on this spicy situation. Stay tuned.

SHIELD ADVICE COLUMN: NURSING LAB IS NOW YOUR HOME AND THE MANIKANS ARE NOW YOUR FAMILY We aren’t fooling you about this! The other mannequin is used for displaying clothes! man·i·kin, /ˈmanəkən/ noun: a jointed model of the human body used for medical training. Nursing students: did you know this?

intense development. We suggest you go into witness protection and erase yourself from all campus records.

Trust no one! Except Naomi Walters, she seems legit - or is she??

Dear Shield, I am a nursing student who was doing some extra work in the nursing lab in the Ham building. When I was done, I went to try to leave and the door was locked shut! These freaky manikans are all staring at me and I can’t leave. I am actually still stuck in here because the nursing students are all out doing clinicals. HELP!

Dear Shield, While at a recent basketball game in the arena, I was cheering and chanting in my own style and I kept getting weird looks from everyone.

What do you suggest are acceptable cheers during a game?

Scarred for Life Nursing Student Rochester Hills, Michigan Dear Scarred, It sounds like you’ve had a doozy of a time with those freaky manikans.

With their mouths hanging open and their lifeless eyes staring back at you, it must be pretty bad. Our suggestion is to go ahead and accept your fate and give them all names and have them be your new family. There is no way anyone wants to come save you because those things are totally creepy! Maybe Shaun Westaway from campus security can come check on you sometime soon? Isn’t there a child manikan in there, too?

Yikes! Good luck!

Juliet, seen here with her Welcome Home sign, is the welcoming committee for nursing students who are trapped there forever.

Dear Shield, While doing my daily scuba diving in Lake Norcentra, I have discovered the sunken train car legend is actually true. Upon further inspection, I found David Brackney and Mike Muhitch were inside the lab! They have a secret underwater lab in there! It looked like they were doing secret experiments. Then they looked over and saw me peering inside and I quickly swam back to the surface. Now I think they’re having me followed around campus as I

believe Keith Huey and Gary Turner are their undercover spies - they always look sus! I don’t know who to trust anymore! What should I do?

Paranoid Daily Diver Rochester Hills, Michigan Dear Paranoid, We have heard rumors of the secret lab in the lake but we have never confirmed it! And now to hear that we have secret agents roaming the campus make this an even more

Self-Conscious Cheerer Rochester Hills, Michigan Dear Self-Conscious, We always suggest you go all out when cheering for our RU sports teams. Some really impactful cheers are: “Go RU, Go RU, it’s your birthday, you know it!” Also, a nice universal chant that can be yelled at any sports event, “Let’s go sports team, clapclap-clap-clap-clap!” But if all else fails, you can always rely on the good ‘ole RU Alma Mater which is best led by father and son duo, Garth and Klint Pleasant. Go generic sports!

vs DUCK WANTS TO BE NEW RU MASCOT; DUEL ENSUES

STUDENTS BAFFLED AT “SIMPLIFIED” NAME FOR RUAC In a dramatic and controversial move intended to simplify the meaning of the building name, Rochester University has renamed the RUAC to Rochester University University Ćenter for Alumni Rochester University Graduates and Rochester University Current Students…too I Guess Center.

The decision was made after months of student protests, horse stampedes, Zac Watson singing Ave Maria for 36 hours straight, non-stop squawking from Crimson the mascot, and community outrage.

There was no formal announcement from the university about the change, just the new sign that adorns the north side of the building.

Georgii Reshotka, junior, working towards his doctorate in expressive dance, said, “Yeah, I was kinda surprised to see Rochester University University Ćenter for Alumni Rochester University Graduates and Rochester University Current Students…too I Guess Center sign when I walked to chapel this morning. But I think it’s for the best.”

Autumn Deshetsky, senior studying bricks, said, “I was kinda concerned they’d manage to

The beautiful, majestic, dignified, grandiose, marvelous, noble, regal, stately, grand, and just downright fab RUUĆARUGRUCSTIGC center

name it something more ridiculous. But I’m glad I was wrong. Now I’m proud to say I have classes in the RUUĆARUGRUCSTIGC.”

When reached for comment, Tom Rellinger, RU CFO, said, “there was a BOGO sale on letters and I couldn’t pass up a deal like that!”

FIVE TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL CLASSROOM NAPS 1. Wear comfortable clothes.

Wearing comfy clothes is a must when you want to nap in class. Why would you want to sleep in jeans when you can sleep in pajamas?

2. Ask your professor to stop talking too loudly.

If you are trying to take a nap and your professor is talking too loud (here’s looking at you Dave Hutson), make sure to raise your hand and ask them to quiet down. It is always important to take a nap in a quiet environment.

3. Always drool on the desk.

To ensure you take the best nap possible, you need to drool. When you wake up there should always be a puddle of drool on your desk, but make sure you don’t wipe it up so the next person taking a nap can add to your puddle. Drool has also been found to be a great moisturizer.

4. Make sure to snore as loud as possible.

When napping you need to loudly snore to make sure everyone knows you are napping. When

snoring, you’re signaling to everyone that they need to keep quiet so you can continue taking the best nap.

5. Nap while taking an exam.

If you want to take the best nap, take it while there is an exam. You will think to yourself, “Self, is this exam really that important?” The answer is always no, if it is your nap time and the exam is in the middle of your nap time, just sleep during the exam. Exam naps are always the best naps.

WOULD YOUR MAJOR SURVIVE IN A HAUNTED HOUSE? CHRISTIAN MINISTRY: YOU SURVIVE!

NURSING: YOU SURVIVE… barely. Your

INTERDISCIPLINARY STUDIES: YOU

A prayer a day keeps the ghosts away. No,

insurance saved you from the wounds given to

DIE! Your fight-or-flight skills didn’t kick

seriously your prayers drove the ghosts away

you by the ghosts, go you.

in and you couldn’t decide what to do to

and you saved the house.

survive until it was too late.

MASS COMMUNICATION: YOU SURVIVE!

SPORTS MANAGEMENT: YOU DIE! You

Your excessive interview questions, reports and

EDUCATION: YOU SURVIVE… only

really thought you could hit a ghost with a

talking in general annoyed the ghosts so they

because you were too busy wrangling

baseball bat and that would do the trick?

let you go.

children and crying over lesson plans to even make it to the haunted house.

PSYCHOLOGY: YOU DIE! You tried to get

ENGLISH: YOU DIE! You were too

the ghosts to open up to you and they got

busy writing the world’s best next novel

THEATER: YOU SURVIVE! You decided to

mad and killed you for being invasive.

to notice the ghost coming to kill you.

act like a ghost to blend in and it worked.

EXTREME MIDTERMS: PYTHONS & LADDERS CHAOS Students were both traumatized and delighted after coming out of the exam of Dr. Adam Hill, adjunct professor of theology, this semester.

Instead of a boring and stressful test, Hill challenged students to beat his new board game creation, Pythons and Ladders, and if they won, they would get an A on the exam.

Hill, a well known board game creator, took inspiration from Chutes and Ladders in creating this death-defying game that included live pythons.

The game is made of hundreds of ladders leaning together over a giant pile of snakes below.

Hill brought 777 of his homebred pythons to campus alongside a fleet of ladders to fill the RUAC’s auditorium.

What Hill did not expect was for students to go to extreme lengths for that grade.

Mckeighla Saxinger, senior, competed for her life in the challenge. By channeling her special barista talents, Saxinger brewed up an army of mochas, which gave her classmates the energy to bounce from one obstacle to the next with ease.

Most students passed the exam with flying colors. Hill was stuck with the $785,714.62 cleaning bill.

Once the students all crossed the whole auditorium full of snakes, they kept coming back to

To increase the difficulty, Hill put giant cutouts of his own face on many of the pythons. Plus, there were giant dice bouncing everywhere.

the same question, what does Pythons and Ladders have to do with a Theology class?

Hill’s response, “Can someone help me bring these beasts back to my car?”

PROFESSER DECLINES PROMOTION DUE TWO GRAMMATICAL ERRORZ - 2RD OF IT’S KIND AT URU

In an epic thumb war battle against an AP Style textbook, Lora broke her wrist.

Lora Hutson, associate professor of mass communication, turned down a three dollar raise and promotion to Chief Grammar Officer, Tuesday afternoon.

In an email to the Shield, Hutson said she can no longer deal with any more grammatical errors.

Hutson has been involved with writing and editing “for far too long to waste my time with this wacky linguistics position.”

After years of trying to teach too many writing courses Huston said, “I can only, just barely, tolerate these students with their grammatical errors, but then you add adults who can’t abbreviate or properly write the date, I will subtract myself altogether.”

In the 17,456 word email, a five and a halfyear read, Hutson wrote, “I will only read anything written in Associated Press style. I NEED proper hyphenation!”

Hutson disrespectfully declined the promotion.

Mass communication major and failed media writing student Emily Carroll said, “I witnessed Lora in class today, I think she finally cracked. She

was crazier than usual and she threw her shew at me because I wrote a date incorrectly.” Live footage of Lora’s rant was caught on video and is posted on a dedicated website: www.lorasrant.com.

Stay tuned, dear readers, to see which mass communication student will fail their next exam.

Shield Media’s crack squad of investigators have uncovered the actual promotion letter from RU administration which clearly shows she could have just checked yes and passed it forward from the back of the room in the next faculty senate meeting.

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RU ADDS A DOG SLEDDING TEAM W O O F

Wally the Warrior passed through the heavenly gates this spring.

The 8-inch eyeballed mascot served Rochester University for nearly two decades and delivered joy and terror to students and children alike.

Wally is survived by his son, Chester, who is proud of his late father, “I am proud he was the bulbous face of Rochester University. Yes, Wally left big clunky shoes to fill, but I’m sure Crimson the Winged Warrior will be great,” Chester said.

We are saddened to see him pass on to mascot heaven where he can frolic with all the other uncanny mascots. We will not remember him for his face only a mother could love, but for his undying school spirit and love for Rochester University.

This is Wally with his enormous head, eyes and nose; he is now in mascot heaven.

W O O F

These dogs were stolen from Leader Dogs to mush students around campus.

Although Rochester University doesn’t have snowy mountains or beautiful glaciers (which are known for dog sledding), however, we do have a pothole-filled hill down to the Warrior Center and the fresh spring-water Lake Norcentra. We don’t have any huskies, but a few geese could do the trick.

We don’t have a sled, but there is still one up in downtown Rochester that hasn’t been taken down yet.

Coach Melissa St. Pierre says there’s no word on when the sledding team will start because the geese are unreliable and don’t show up for practice and the huskies are throwing major shade and talking back. There’s no concern about the timing though because it’s Michigan and these conditions last forever.

HELPFUL CAMPUS CLASSIFIEDS CAMPUS COUGAR: Campus Cougar, Rola Tutson, has made a comeback this year. All you younger fellas better watch out or you could be her next victim!

STUDENT LOANS: The Turners are looking for students to help with personal at-home tasks.

Unfortunately, it will be all work, no play, no pay and you will be called a slacker often.

LAKESIDE PROPERTY FOR RENT: Are you looking for a place to get away for the weekend?

The Norcentra Cabin is available for rent starting at $2.50/night. The perks? A beautiful view of Lake Norcentra’s murky green water!

BABY DOLL FOUND: A Cabbage Patch baby doll was found outside Brandon Langeland’s office. The baby doll has red curly hair, blue eyes and a tattoo on the left arm. The doll is wearing a puce-colored dress and is missing a smalt-colored shoe. If this is yours, please get rid of it, you’re too old for dolls.

TASTING MENU VOLUNTEERS NEEDED: The cafeteria is looking for students to be taste testers for a new line of food they are looking to serve. Volunteers may be prone to self-isolation, frequent trips to the bathroom and other physical side effects.

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ESPORTS TEAM CANCELED C R Y I N G

E M O J I

The new Esports Team that was added last year has been canceled. The reason behind this is because the WI-FI does not work.

Seriously, they moved the location of the game room to every reasonable spot on campus from the Garth Pleasant Arena, RUUĆARUGRUCSTIGC, Warrior Center and the roof of the RAC. They even tried to move it into the secret underground lab below Lake Norcentra but that is beside the point.

Of course, they didn’t move it to third floor AG for that is the WORST place they could have put it because it is a black hole for any internet connection.

“All you gotta do is plug in the router and we can continue the program and team,” said Christopher Ainhorn, coach of Esports, but it was too late. The original room had already been destroyed and changed back to a classroom like it used to be (education majors are thrilled!).

As for the really cool computer stuff, well, in true RU fashion, it was all sold and the money was used to buy more T-shirts for an event that only 17 people will attend.

COOPER REVEALED AS HEAD OF BRITISH SECRET SERVICE

Dr. Carol Cooper is under investigation for espionage after files reveal she is the leader of MI6. Coopers’ final remarks before fleeing the country, “God save the King!”

Sketch by Shield Media artist Alyx LaBranche.

RIP WALLY

MEMBERS WANTED: The RU Nap Club is looking for members as well as a president. If you love napping, this club is for you to join. Don’t snooze on the opportunity. For tips on napping, please refer to napping article on page 3.

MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES It will probably get worse It’s never too late to go back to bed The first step towards failure is trying If you’re tired, do it tired

CALL THIS NUMBER FOR A PRIZE: 248-434-5508