THE NON-ISSUE ISSUE
now we know who bought the second album
A message from a guy who thinks he’s an editor Rock & Roll…
It’s Rock & Roll Magazine.
It’s fucking fabulous isn’t it!
See how that all comes together nicely.
We love it!
Inside this issue of Rock & Roll Magazine is everything you need to know about Rock & Roll Magazine.
Who in their right mind wouldn’t?
There’s probably even a few hearing impaired If you’re in a band we’ll tell you how to get your folk out there who appreciate the finer points of record reviewed or even get yourselves featured Rock & Roll. in a feature article. Pretty tempting? Of course It has universal appeal. it is. Its like coffee and cigarettes or whiskey and women or any other analogy we can’t be bothered thinking of. A lot of very intellectual people (which would count us out) like to sit around and argue about what rock & roll is...
For those potential readers out there you can find out how to get your free digital subscription to Rock & Roll Magazine and we’ll let you know what we will do with all your personal information. Will we sell it for millions of dollars? Will we bombard you with annoying emails all the fucking time?
Is it the Music? the Attitude? the Lifestyle? the Clothes? the Haircut? Or is it simply telling everyone to go fuck themselves and doing it your I doubt it. We’re pretty lazy. own way? And if you’re one of those people thinking “Hey, I Who knows? Who the fuck really cares? It’s not an wonder if I can advertise my product/service/ episode of Q&A. business in Rock & Roll Magazine for a reasonable amount of the old hard earned?” All we know and all we need to know is that it’s You can find out if you can right here in these good. pages. Really fucking good. Go on. You know you want to give us money. That’s why we thought we would put out a magazine every month that shows just how good it Other than that there’s fuck all in this issue. is. No interviews, no reviews, no news. So here it is... Sorry about that. A balls out, leather jacket wearing, pussy Still, we guarantee this is a better read than grinding, fuck you shouting Rock & Roll the latest status update from that guy you Magazine! vaguely knew in high school. Their punctuation It’s not Vice. It’s not Hustler. It’s not even and spelling is probably a little more polished though. Rolling Stone because any Rock & Roll Hall of Fame that doesn’t have the Powder Monkeys just So strap yourselves in, turn it up and prepare isn’t that Rock & Roll. for something. . . It’s fake. It isn’t real. Rock & Roll Motherfuckers! It’s a fantasy land where ageing liberal hippies and assholes with shitty degrees and no taste in music rule supreme and make a shitload of lists. SHANE HILTON/EDITOR This is Rock & Roll.
In this issue of
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BANDS! BANDS! BANDS! Find out what Rock & Roll Magazine can do for you!
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LEARN TO ADVERTISE You know you want to buy advertising in Rock & Roll Magazine so send us money!
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I’M A READER Yes, you are!
Rock & Roll Magazine is published by Rock & Roll Magazine Pty Ltd PO BOX 5034 Burnley VIC 3121 “Thank You, Thank You, All Square Now?”: Minnie “the Myna” Bird (you’re the best), Roger & Georgia Murphy, Boxer, Meeshy the Office Cat, the KKKitchen Crew (you know who you are), Toothless Jack (you are ruthless ,my friend), Taylor & Bogan Robot Lighting, the Morrows (congratulations on the nuptials), Eddie & Gav @Game Deficiency, Pudgey (cheers & beers), all the Jacks (past & present), Digger & the Pussycats, Johnny Dollar Tattoo, Damn The Torpedoes, Gasoline Queen, Tim Northeast & everyone @the Corner Hotel (Do you think I could get a couple of cleaning shifts?), Sandra/MadDog (for the patience), Fishy the Office Fish (RIP) Extra Special Thanks Jann Wenner (For the inspiration to do a “music” magazine that isn’t a hypocritical, history rewriting piece of shit that should have stayed in the 60’s. As Axl Rose once sang to Bob Guccione Jr “Get in the ring, motherfucker!”) & The Banks (“God I should of asked a Bank? Should of tried to rob a Bank!” GO FUCK YOURSELVES! “Now, give us some wah-wah Dirty!”)
In Loving Memory of Aunty Kay (For the Die or Die Trying attitude you gave us. Thank You.) COPYRIGHT 2013 Rock & Roll Magazine Pty Ltd: No part may be reproduced without the consent of the copyright holder
Feel free to DO WHAT YOU WANT BE BAD/BE GOOD SMOKE/DON’T SMOKE DRINK/DON’T DRINK DIET/EAT FRIED CHICKEN BE CELIBATE/FUCK TAKE A JACKET/freeze GO OUT/STAY IN VOTE/DON’T VOTE love/hate GET AN EDUCATION/DROPOUT Believe/think LISTEN TO ROCK & ROLL/LISTEN TO ROCK & ROLL
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Written by Shane Hilton Picture by Ripped Off
Music is a pretty special thing. You only have to attend a Cosmic Psychos gig to understand what a powerful thing music is. The other week we were watching one of the greatest bands of all time put on the kind of show that makes them one of the greatest bands of all time.
You tell yourself that you’re going to keep it all together and then WHAM! They hit the play button and it fucking hits you like a low flying lunchbox! The last time that happened to me was at my Aunts funeral and they played U2’s “Beautiful Day”.
Usually, it’s just knowing that U2 are allowed to play music that brings me to tears but on this occasion I will freely admit that when the little effects laden guitar riff (Riff is a bit of a strong word. Let’s just say noodling) the Edge plays on every single song they’ve In other words it’s a pretty fucking good night ever released, started blaring out of the out on the town. speakers, I completely lost it. It was one of those nights when the bar runs out of beer and you end up having to choose between drinking Bulmer's or Carlton Dry. So you just drink Jack Daniels because you’re not a fuckwit or worried about your carb intake.
Anyway, standing on one side of us was the brilliant Joel Silbersher (GOD, Hoss, Tendrils) and on the other some guy called Fitzy or Fritzy or Frysey or some such nonsense (To tell you the truth I didn’t have a clue who the fuck he was. People kept coming up to get photos and shake his hand. I finally asked my girlfriend if the tall, bald headed guy in the Midnight Oil t-shirt was some famous Peter Garrett impersonator that I’d never heard of. She informed me Fitzy, or whatever his name is, was a radio presenter who once played football and was, at some point in his very illustrious career, on Big Brother. I still don’t know who he is but I can tell you that he knew every word of every song and likes to take photos on his iPhone. Still, he must be an ok guy because he was at the Cosmic Psychos. Except for maybe the phone thing... that makes him a bald dick in a Midnight Oil t-shirt taking selfies)
Music, from a band that I can’t stand mind you, did that to me.
The point is that music, no matter what kind, brings people together who, for the most part, have nothing in common but liking the same band.
You could say music is a part of people’s lives, sometimes literally, from conception until they dig a hole to kick them in when it’s all over.
Music is one of the only things in the world that can do that.
That’s powerful voodoo my friends.
It doesn’t matter who you are, what you look like or how much money you earn. Music just wants you to have a good time.
In my opinion that makes music and the people who make it pretty fucking special.
It does it to everyone. On the flipside, there's fucking. The messy act that begins the inevitable one way trip to a funeral. You get a good tune pumping through the speakers while performing coitus and, all of a sudden, you’re fucking like a porn star. You can do shit gymnasts win medals for at the Olympics. It’s unbelievable. Music helps you do that. Isn’t that amazing? Of course it is. Music can turn 3 or 4 minutes of mediocre pleasure into something that, with the right lighting, could be filmed and put on the internet to make everyone viewing it feel rather inadequate.
Very powerful voodoo.
We play it at weddings. We play it at parties. We play it at pretty much anything (Get it?).
Rock & Roll Magazine is here to celebrate that music and the musicians who make it.
Everywhere you go there’s music.
If you’re in a band or you represent a band then Rock & Roll Magazine wants you to be a part of it.
Have a think about funerals.
Funerals, despite featuring the word “fun”, are We know we don’t have to sell you the whole generally a pretty depressing sort of affair. “Well, being featured in Rock & Roll Magazine It may have something to do with the fact that is pretty much free advertising.... You’ll probably sell a million albums... And it will someone you knew is in a wooden box up the make your dick bigger...” front and is noticeably short of breath. Who knows?
You guys know the score. All you have to do is send whatever it is we need to know (gig info, release info, news, whatever you want really) to: music@rockandrollmagazine.com For all you sadists who do the PR/Marketing for record companies you can add that to your mailing lists, which takes all of about 32 seconds, and you can chalk that up as a days work.
In our opinion there’s a hell of a lot of bands out there, not signed to record labels, that are releasing music just as good as anything coming from you guys in “label land”. Why should we discriminate against them just because they don’t have a “contract” or someone handling their promotion? Are you the type of person that would like to see separate drinking fountains? Yeah, liberal guilt. Savour it.
Of course we don’t mind you guys emailing us Aren’t we nice? Now you’ve got more time to through a list of upcoming releases and spend on Facebook and Twitter “working” on the letting us cherry pick what we want to review. companies social media account. That’s cool. Again, what fucking nice people we are. When it comes to the musical format being sent Now, this is completely stupid, but there is one through to us we’d much prefer for them to be thing that we don’t want emailed to us. CDs. Music. That would be compact discs. “Huh? You don’t want music emailed to You know those shiny round things everyone music@rockandrollmagazine.com?” was buying 15 years ago? We know that makes absolutely zero sense but We don’t mind if they're burnt copies either. As we do have some twisted logic behind this long as they’re easily identifiable and have anomaly. an accurate track listing we’re happy. If we give an easy access point for bands/ While we appreciate the offer of vinyl, for artists to send us music either through a link some reason, we’ve also got that on the banned to a sound cloud or a download than we are list. Fascist pricks aren’t we? going to be inundated. We really don’t know why... because we love Do you know how many crazy people know how vinyl! to use the internet? For some reason the vast majority of them believe they have talent and We encourage everyone to go and buy it. If they all have easy access to digital only, for the fact that you can look down on those lesser beings who don’t buy it or don't recording. It’s a recipe for disaster. have as much as yourself. Sure, receiving music digitally would give us a good excuse to outsource some work to the (We just love the pecking order of hipster Philippines but we’d much prefer to do the dooferism. Real big fans. Huge. Massive. It listening. excites us.) Sending vinyl is a real pain in the arse for everyone involved. It costs more. It can break. We don’t want to spend all of our time clicking It can’t be carried back from the post office on links just to end up listening to because someone always manages to forget the musicians take a recorded dump just because cardboard box they’re meant to take down to they had a microphone close by. pick the mail up. It’s just too much for our We want to review music our readers can go out small brains to manage, and buy. It’s just a logical way of doing We hope that’s ok. things. All records for review can be posted to: Of course you guys working for record companies are thinking “Well, that little rule Rock & Roll Magazine wouldn’t apply to me. I’m special. I work for a PO BOX 5034 legitimate organisation. We have contracts Burnley VIC 3121 with bands and I regularly have to suck on If you make the effort to get some stamps and Satan’s scaly one!” send it. The least we can do is make the effort Yeah... let’s just pop that little bubble of inner to get a review written for it. verbal diarrhoea for you right now. If a review doesn’t appear in Rock & Roll Music, to us anyway, is about equality. We really enjoy it, you see.
Magazine itself then don’t despair. We plan on doing something we’ve dubbed the Rock & Roll Magazine Almanac.
We will more than likely reply “Oh we’re sorry but all the free advertising space for the April issue has been taken up by other bands”
We can’t wait until everyone else starts doing exactly the same thing but.. you know... a little different.
Sucks right? But don’t get to downhearted because the secret to getting the advertising is to be creative and generous.
The Rock & Roll Magazine Almanac will be chock-a-block full of reviews of every album we receive during the year. Every album.
If the advertisement (it will be full page... we’re not tight arses) is just plain awesome than it will probably be a winner.
If it’s sent our way, we guarantee, it will end It’s that easy. up reviewed either in the magazine or in the We want shit that looks good and gives almanac. How awesome is that! something worthwhile to the readers. Of course all bios/press ready images/love With any luck you could end up with a few letters/small body parts etcetera can be more fans. Who knows? It might even lead to emailed to us. We’re not complete assholes. you getting on the front cover of the best If anything we’re a bunch of absolute cunts. music magazine in the world... Rolling Stone! For example, when it comes to reviews of live shows we’re of the firm opinion that they’re a complete waste of time. That’s the reviews. Not the live shows themselves. Live shows are, without a doubt, one of the most fucking awesome things about music. But reading a live review is a bit like wearing a condom after you’ve already got the clap. It’s not exactly going to improve your situation. If you were at the show you don’t really need to be reminded of it because, well... you were there. It’s a moot point. Unless of course, like we often do, you get rotten drunk and don’t even remember being there. Then they just remind you of what a complete fucking prick you may, or may not have, made of yourself (it sucks being so unsure but it is made much easier nowadays by checking what stupid rambling text messages you sent in your alcohol induced stupor). If you didn’t go then what's the point in reading a review? To make yourself feel bad? Maybe find out what the reviewer was drinking?
So is there anything else we should tell you? Yep. We may be called Rock & Roll Magazine but don’t think that we’re those weird “Oh, we only like this type of music!” assholes who hang shit on everything we think is beneath us. We’re not here to be narcissistic, self promoting, negative cock suckers who get some sort of strange thrill by assassinating the music of bands who put so much hard work and money into trying to entertain us a little. (Although, as a word of warning to those PR/ Marketing people who would like to push a band onto us even though we’ve already pointed out the fact that we loathe them. When we say “not interested” it’s probably best to listen because we will rip them to shreds. We’re really horrible people underneath this chipper attitude) To us, all music can be rock & roll music. We’re of the firm opinion that if people are exposed to more than just one type of thing they won’t be such narrow minded assholes.
They’re a complete waste of precious print space that could be put to better use giving bands pretty much free advertising space!
Every one just has to go out and explore and sooner or later they’re going to come across something that they fucking love.
Does that sound good? Damn right it sounds good!
If Rock & Roll Magazine can help some of those bands out there be discovered by the people that are looking for them then haven’t we done a fucking bang up job?
So how does getting cheap as chips advertising in Rock & Roll Magazine work? Well, let’s say that you have an album launch or a little tour coming up. All you have to do is say to us “Hey, how about we give you a dozen albums to give away to your subscribers?”
We sure have. So if you have any questions or would just like to say “Hey man, I’m in a band! Can you put us on your radar?”. Don’t be scared. Get in touch. Introduce yourself. Let’s be friends. Fuck yeah.
how do you
advertise
Written by Strawb G Hetti Picture by Shane Hilton Model Mr Jack Phillipson
in
?
Everyone’s trying to sell something.
Magazine?
Whether it be an idea, a carbonated beverage or Well, lets just point out a few things: their souls. There’s always a pitch in whatever A; You’re still reading. it is people do. B; “Guitar bands are on the way out” And that’s ok because we all have to put on a C; You’re strongly underestimating just how little bit of the Royal Nonesuch once in a seriously we take music. while to make a living. Music is number one... There’s nothing wrong with it. We know that those of you in marketing are For us the commercial aspects are pretty probably used to people at certain simple. They have to be because we’re pretty publications asking “What can we do for you? simple people and anything even vaguely What is it we can change so you buy some complicated ties our heads in knots. advertising space? We’ll do anything! Just let us know!” We have to sell advertising space because we need those awesome advertising dollars so we Yeah... can put out a quality publication and continue our delightful diet of prescription We’re guessing that you’ve already figured out pills, alcohol and hot chicken rolls (the ones that we’re going to be a little bit different. we forget buying from 7/11 at 3 o'clock in the We’re not going to put someone on the front morning... man they’re delightful). cover because it will “sell more copies” and You may be thinking “Oh, I thought all these then take the piss out of them so we can rock & roll types hated advertising? They’re maintain some sort of deluded “cool factor”. always bitching about bands selling out and We’d prefer to just not mention them at all. all that shit”. Well, that attitudes ok for the “rock & roll types” who can always rely on Mummy & Daddy to bail them out, pay their rent, buy their skinny jeans or pay for a new bit of ink when the bar/restaurant/café/taco truck they opened with their parents payola fails to make a profit.
When it comes to shit like this we prefer to use something called common sense. You may have heard of it? It closely resembles something called logic. You have? Marvellous...
We on the other hand have absolutely no qualms about taking money from anyone.
The first thing that we need to do is put out a relevant, informative, entertaining music magazine that people want to read!
We’d take money from Ronald McDonald, Hitler and Tony Abbott himself.
Revolutionary?
Hardly, but we have this stupid belief that if Sure, we’d charge them that much they’d be we leave the reader thinking “Hey, I want to haemorrhaging from their fiscal hole for an eternity but the point is we’d take their money. see that band and buy that record and I want to be cool like those fuckers who make Rock & We’re not fussy. Roll Magazine!” than there’s going to be more people reading it... see what we’re getting at Our parents didn't have government agencies here? and assorted extended family members raise a bunch of idiots. Things don’t have to be complicated. Up until now you may be thinking that we’re not taking this whole thing very seriously so That’s why we kind of threw the traditional why should you buy advertising in Rock & Roll way of getting advertising out of the window.
Advertisers... Yeah, well what do we have to say about you guys? Not much really.
In other words... fuck it! We shouldn't be busting our ass trying to sell you advertising space. We’re going to leave it to you to do the selling. Kind of arrogant of us isn’t it? Yeah, it’s not nice when the shoes on the other foot but we assure you everything will be ok. The worlds not ending it’s just going to be a little different. If we have to employ “salespersons” to annoy the shit out of you in an attempt to make money it will just end up costing us dollars... and lots of them. Which means we’re going to be passing that cost on to you! See! That makes no sense! We’d prefer to hire someone who can make Rock & Roll Magazine better for the reader! Meaning? Even more people are going to want to read Rock & Roll Magazine and by proxy view your advertisement! How easy is that? Everyone’s a winner. If you want to advertise in Rock & Roll Magazine all you have to do is email advertise@rockandrollmagazine.com and let us know what you want to advertise and for who. After that it’s a simple as you agreeing to what we’re going to invoice you and sending us a press ready PDF of your advertisement. We pop that motherfucker in the magazine and you sit back and start enjoying the benefits of advertising in Rock & Roll Magazine. Maybe you could get a massage? Take a holiday? Work out a better way to get fat kids to eat more sugar? We don’t know! The worlds your oyster. Cut loose. We know that you’re sitting back their in your little cubicle wondering “How much is it going to cost me? They’re being very, very, very sheepish about that!” That’s the rub isn’t it. How much will it cost? Well, it depends really. Remember how we said that it was up to you guys to do the selling? Yeah, this is when that little tangent becomes relevant. It depends on the pitch doesn’t it. If you’re really lucky we could charge you next to nothing! Or we could charge you what we charge everyone else. We’re the type of people who just like to roll with the punches. Fuck, why don’t you tell us how much you want to pay? If we think it’s a fair offer than we will probably say “Yeah, sure, no problems”
As long as we don’t have to chase you down and You’re damn right that’s fair enough! hassle the shit out of you it will be ok. See how simple all of this can be? That would piss us off. Changing media landscape... My left testicle... We smoke like chimneys so running is a real What a load of bullshit... You guys are making pain in the arse. Don’t think we wouldn’t catch this shit up! you though. Because we will. So, what can you advertise in Rock & Roll We just pretend there’s blue and red lights Magazine? behind us and we’re off like lightning. You can advertise whatever you like. Believe us when we tell you that you don’t We’re the ultimate marketing tool. want to see us out of breath and pissed off. It would be a dangerous combination.
Everyone wants to be a rock star.
Another thing that makes us “well pissed off” are the different types of advertising you fuckers want.
We’ve got the youth market, the hipster douchebags who try so hard to be cool, the old fellows trying to stay relevant, the religious right who will be reading just so they can send us fucked up emails about how we’re evil corrupters of youth!
Fucking pop-ups and banner advertising... They shit us to tears... Everything we want the reader to read is inside Rock & Roll Magazine so we kind of figured (using logic again... amazing aren’t we?) it would make sense that it would also be the place the advertising would appear. We're in shock as well! It just makes so much sense. We don’t really care what appears in the advertising space either! As far as we’re concerned you can do whatever you like! You’re the one paying the money. If you want to hotlink the shit out of it... go ahead! As long as it opens up in a separate browser. We couldn’t give a damn. Don’t try and give us the old “We will give 3 cents for every trillion clicks” bullshit either.
Shit, we’ll have every other publication in the world reading us so they can steal our ideas and try to figure out how to do a pale imitation of Rock & Roll Magazine. That’s marketing power, ladies and gentlemen. We could advertise frozen poo on a paddle pop stick and people would buy it because we’re cool. We’re cooler than you. We’re cooler than your friends. We’re cooler than every casual acquaintance you’ve ever made. We also have an ego the size of the Hindenburg but it doesn’t change the fact that Rock & Roll Magazine is cooler than anything you will ever compare it too.
We will track you down and verbally reduce you to wetting yourself in front of your coworkers.
Except for maybe icebergs. They’re really cool.
You’re buying the space (hence advertising space) in Rock & Roll Magazine. That’s it.
In our opinion it’s not the be all and end all of what we’re doing.
As far as how many people look at it, well, that responsibility lies with what product or service you’re advertising and who’s doing you’re creative.
Sure, we want the money but that only matters if we put 100% of our efforts into creating a magazine that people want to read.
Don’t punish us for their ineptness. The space will be fairly priced according to how many people are reading Rock & Roll Magazine. It just makes sense that way. Fair enough?
So that, in a nutshell, is advertising in Rock & Roll Magazine.
If we don’t who will? You guys? How about you guys just concentrate on giving us money and making advertisements that will sell your products! Go hog wild. advertise@rockandrollmagazine.com
What kind of magazine is Rock & Roll Magazine? Well, Rock & Roll Magazine is the type of magazine that would shake your hand and look you in the eye when you meet it. It’s the old tatted up guy with the glass eye at the pub who you’ve always been too scared to have a chat with even though he’s probably the coolest cat you’re ever likely to meet. It doesn’t have a hidden agenda, won’t pull the wool over your eyes and doesn’t care who wants to read it. It’s the publication for anyone that can read to read. It’s a music magazine for the great unwashed and proud of it. You could be one of those group thinking “individuals” who think they’re better than everyone else and likes nothing better than spending all their time bitching about how things were better back in the day and how they invented facial hair and how they saw whatever band before anyone else did. You know the one’s that we’re talking about... they’re the type of people that will pull the face off a Justin Beiber poster because you know... they’re fucking rebels and punk rock and cool and all that shit. Rock & Roll Magazine knows they’re dickheads but Rock & Roll Magazine doesn’t care because Rock & Roll Magazine is the type of dickhead that gives itself a human persona and then refers to itself in the third person. Rock & Roll Magazine wants you to read it whether you be hipster, loser, metal-head, punk, man in an overcoat wearing casual shoes, retiree, faker, man, woman, child, rocker or roller. It’s not about being cool or being better than everyone else. It’s about music. Because we like music. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be good.
A GUIDE TO
BETTER READING Written by Bruce “Lefty” Knox Picture by L Farrell
“We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free” - Bill Hicks
DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF GET YOUR FREE DIGITAL SUBSCRIPTION @
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NO MESS. NO FUSS. NO MONEY.
We like a whole lot bad music as well. That’s just the type of people we are.
everyone else and you know how important all that stuff is!
As long as it’s got a beat, some rhythm and can We promise that it’s all good! be heard by the human ear we’re into it. Best of all when you have a subscription Unless of course it’s “dance music”. The only (check www.rockandrollmagazine.com for all the good thing about “dance music” is somebody details) there’s no need to constantly check else’s music. In other words it’s fucking when the new issue of Rock & Roll Magazine is horrible. That’s why they have to take the published. happy drugs. We will let you know! “I do a bit of DJ’ing” One email. Once a month. Nothing more. Nothing Big deal. I take photos of my genitalia on my less. iPhone. That doesn’t make me a photographer or We’re not big on the “Hey, we noticed you a pornographer. It just makes me sad... Really haven’t read Rock & Roll Magazine in a while sad. so we’re going to keep sending you emails until you click on the fucking link and read Quite upset in fact. the fucker so we can make money!” type of Grizzled old man dance music rant over. marketing. Back to the Rock & Roll. We’re annoying but we’d like to be responsible So what can I expect to get as a subscriber with the way we choose to irritate you.
of Rock & Roll Magazine?
Firstly, you can keep your credit card details to yourself. That’s right you can read Rock & Roll Magazine without handing over any cash. This isn’t the old bait and switch either. It’s free. Even after we sell out and take the kachillion dollars from Rupert to buy a small island nation you will still be able to read Rock & Roll Magazine without having to pay for the pleasure. We’d like to think that you will use the money you save reading Rock & Roll Magazine to go out and buy the records we review from your local record store or maybe, just maybe, choosing to support your local music scene by going to watch a band that have had their pretty pictures in here. You know the stuff that matters. Wouldn’t that be nice? Christ, when we get big enough to start chopping down huge swathes of old growth forest we’re hoping that you’ll be able to pick up this little sucker gratis.
We might even have a competition or two for you win some cool shit with. Who knows?
What kind of articles are going to be in these pages for readers to peruse? Lets get philosophical. An onion has many layers. There’s layer after layer after layer. A lot of people (usually assholes whose girlfriends have just broken up with them because they’ve realised what a fucking stupid, bone headed, selfish cunt has been laying down in bed with them every night) like to use the onion to show what a misunderstood, deep and emotional person they really are. “C’mon baby! I know it was wrong of me to ask your best friend for a blow job while you were asleep in the next room but that’s because you don’t know the real me. I’m deep...” What they fail to realise, and everyone else can’t comprehend, is that the layers of every single onion are exactly the fucking same. That’s why Rock & Roll Magazine is a music magazine and not an onion.
We want to translate the feeling we get when There won’t be any pleas for donations, crowd we’re a half a dozen pints into it and “Miss funding campaigns or panhandling. Let us and Freelove ‘69” comes blaring out of the jukebox the advertisers pay for your reading material. into something you can read. It’s the least we can do since we’ll be the ones Whether we do it through interviews or reviews making the money. You just have to go out and or just telling you about a gig you never knew buy the shit we advertise! Do it because was happening. It really doesn't matter. consumerism is awesome! We just want to make you feel good about music. When we buy everything we see advertised in here we feel so much better! It makes us better There use to be something a bit magical about and cooler and sexier and hipper than music magazines. You’d open it up and read
about all these awesome bands and occasionally read an off the cuff sentence about a band you’d never heard of and then you’d go out and buy their album and it would blow your fucking mind.
It’s killer. We’re on tour too! Here’s an interesting anecdote you will probably read in the other 320 publications I’ve done interviews with...”
You don’t want to read that! Fuck, we don’t even want to write it! It would be more fun if we all just went out and stubbed our toes on Look through a music magazine and all you get concrete. are reprints of what “famous people” tweet, models in onesies posing awkwardly with So, in a round-about sort of way that’s why the cigarettes and fucking articles that pander to website is pretty basic. We just want you to whatever’s popular that week. click the fucker open and start reading. Nowadays, it’s just a bit sad.
“LOL, but that’s what people want, you idiot” Is it? We’d hate to get on our high horse because we haven’t got a saddle! But fuck that.
Oh, it was a lobotomised monkey that did most of the legwork. His name is Henry and he likes pottery and using products with palm oil (something about disliking redheads apparently). We like him.
We don’t want to read an article that has “LOL” Why can’t I leave a comment? written in it or publications pandering to the Would you like to know what really shits us? idiots and trying to stay hip and relevant. Opinions... Music magazines aren’t meant to be extensions of a social media account. They’re meant to be We can’t stand them. They drive us up the wall. something special. Opinions have taken on some sort of weird Let the people on Facebook make hackneyed, monetary form that are spoken out loud just to stale, post-ironic ironic comments (we don’t cause a pre-conceived outrage from the general public who then go fucking nuts sprouting know... we failed high school) about the world. pretty ill informed opinions of their own. Give us quality word smithing about music please. Not a pale imitation of a music They’ve become a revenue collector for lazy magazine that’s been breeding with Who Weekly. publications that just can’t be bothered. Of course there may be times when we stray from it being all about music into something like politics, culture or shit like that. But with any luck we will all get lucky and it will be about guitars or big assed loud amplifiers or some smashing record.
What’s the deal with the website? Was it designed by a lobotomised monkey? Everything we want you to read is right here in the pages of Rock & Roll Magazine. All you have to do is open it up and enjoy.
It’s crazy and we’re just not buying into it. That’s why when you read Rock & Roll Magazine the only way you can tell us your opinion is by buying a postage stamp,. We just want to see how committed to an idiotic thought you really are! Look here’s the address: Rock & Roll Magazine PO Box 5034 Burnley VIC 3121
We were thinking we could do what everyone else is doing and have a continuous feed of cut and pasted press releases with a witty comment or observation added on to make it appear a bit “authentic” but we'd probably just end up throwing ourselves off the nearest overpass into oncoming traffic.
So, if you have a bit of a problem with anything we’ve done or written please feel free to put a bit of pen to paper and let us know.
Everything we do, believe it or not, has had some thought put into it.
Which brings us to a very important point that we should make...
We want to get a bit deeper than the bleeding obvious. We’re talking third knuckle, rubber glove deep. That’s deep friends. Very deep.
As we’re not giving you that instant ability to leave an annoying comment with absolutely no thought put into it than we should take it upon ourselves to assure you that we’re going to have a few editorial standards of our own.
There’s a lot more to musicians and music other than “Oh yeah we’ve got a new album out.
If we’ve fucked up and it’s not some petty bullshit we will give you our sincerest.
“What are editorial standards?” we hear you ask with little remembrance of such a thing. We know it seems like forever that any publication that likes to think of itself as part of “the media” has bothered to take it upon their own shoulders to treat their readers with a little bit of respect but we feel it’s high time to start reversing that trend.
Sure, it’s a tight arse gift but it’s better than some crummy “Happy Birthday! I haven’t seen you in ages! We have to get together for drinks!” What the fuck? You’re not going to catch up with them you fucking liar! You’d prefer to sit at home scratching your nether regions and watching Law & Order or some shit. Go on, help us support local music by being a cheap and casual acquaintance!
Despite all of our misgivings about humankind in general and their tendency to When I sign up for a free digital bow to social pressure and follow the company subscription what will you do with the line we know that there’s a vast majority of information I give you? people who can think for themselves. We’re going to sell it to the highest bidder We’re going out of our way to make sure that because we really like money. we avoid printing any drivel. Nah, we’re fucking with you. Unless, this is drivel? Is this drivel? The only thing we will do with your Ah, who really cares? information is use it to tell you when a new issue of Rock & Roll Magazine is published Can I follow you on Twitter? and ready for you to read. In the times we live in it’s pretty hard to We can’t say that it won’t be stolen without avoid social media unless of course you just our knowledge by let’s say... third parties who choose not to use it... are usually funded by the people who elect For a business like us, who aren’t lucky them. enough to have a Daddy Warbucks slipping a We can’t control that sort of thing. If we could twenty down the front of our jeans while we Coca-Cola would still be chock full of the grind away seductively in front of him, it good stuff! would be smart of us to embrace all forms of it. All we can say is that “We will not under any circumstances knowingly allow anyone access It’s “free advertising” we should be ramming it to the information you give us” down your throat constantly. Rock & Roll Magazine should be clogging up news feeds That’s a promise. everywhere.
Is there anything else I should know?
The truth is we just can’t be bothered. And we’re pretty dumb. We would much prefer that you sign up for a free digital subscription (check www.rockandrollmagazine.com for all the details). It’s much easier.
Probably. We can guarantee that we’ve forgotten to tell you something. If we knew what it was we’d tell you.
Basically, as a reader of Rock & Roll Magazine you will be getting something that, with any So, no. You won’t find us on Facebook or Twitter luck, you might enjoy. It really is as simple or Instagram or whatever those crazy kids are as that. doing nowadays. It may turn you onto something you never knew In saying that though we actively encourage existed, it could encourage you to pick up an you to share whatever you like about Rock & instrument to make a bit of music for Roll Magazine. yourself, it might just give you something to do while sitting at work being productive. We don’t like cake but we will have yours and eat it too. Hell, it might cure cancer for all we know. How many people on your “friends” list do you actually buy a birthday present for? Not many. Why not give them a free digital subscription to Rock & Roll Magazine?
Will you guys ever have a forum or something like that? I want to be famous on the internet! Go fuck yourself! Just read the fucking thing.
THIS
SPACE
COULD BE YOURS
FOR FUCK ALL
ARE YOU IN AN AUSTRALIAN BAND? GOT AN ALBUM COMING OUT THAT YOU WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW ABOUT? MAYBE YOU’VE GOT A COUPLE OF SHOWS YOU WANT TO ADVERTISE? ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE ROCK & ROLL MAGAZINE SUBSCRIBERS A PRIZE OR TWO? CONTACT MUSIC@ROCKANDROLLMAGAZINE.COM
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