http://felixonline.co.uk/archive/IC_1986/1986_0729_A

Moonie Blues Members of the Unification C h u r c h , the Moonies, have been canvassing in the College area this week. Calling themselves the 'Collegiate Association for the Research of Principles' ( C A R P ) , followers of the cult were seen trying to recruit students outside the Mechanical Engineerig Building on Tuesday and Wednesday. They have now been banned from College premises by security.

T h e U n i f i c a t i o n C h u r c h is a n umbrella organisation funded by t h e K o r e a n m i l l i o n a i r e S u n Myung M o o n , and operates u n d e r at least 60 different n a m e s throughout the w o r l d .

T h e movement has been widely c r i t i c i s e d for u s i n g brainwashing indoctrination techniques and exploiting young people. The h e a d q u a r t e r s of t h e U n i f i c a t i o n C h u r c h are at L a n c a s t e r G a t e , o n the o t h e r s i d e of H y d e P a r k .

C A R P a l s o has p r e m i s e s n e a r G o w e r S t r eet .

N o other L o n d o n C o l l e g e c o n t a c t e d by F E L I X r e p o r t e d s e e i n g t h e M o o n i e s in r e c e n t y e a r s , a l t h o u g h IC s e c u r i t y c o n f i r m e d that t h e y w e r e s i g h t e d r e g u l a r l y in S o u t h K e n s i n g t o n at this t i m e of y e a r .

ICU President Carl Burgess d e s c r i b e d t h e M o o n i e s as ' b a d n e w s ' w h e n he s p o k e to F E L I X o n W e d n e s d a y . H e s a i d that

Moonies

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they were a highly d a n g e r o u s o r g a n i s a t i o n w h o p r o f e s s e d to offer s t u d e n t s a r e l e a s e f r o m the d r u d g e r y of w o r k , but in fact o n l y b r a i n w a s h e d t h e m . H e w a r n e d that p e o p l e w h o j o i n e d the cult w e r e s e p a r a t e d f r o m their f a m i l y , d e p r i v e d of t h e i r belongings, and frequently e n d e d up ' p s y c h o l o g i c a l l y d a m a g e d ' . M r B u r g e s s s a i d that the l e a d e r of t h e M o o n i e s w a s a c o n m a n who was feeding on

t h e i n s e c u r i t i e s of v a r i o u s p e o p l e to fill his o w n p o c k e t s .

H e a d d e d that t h e y w e r e v e r y a d e p t at b r a i n w a s h i n g techniques.

Mr B u r g e s s had s p o k e n with people who had attended m e e t i n g s , a n d s a i d that t h e y had received a severe p s y c h o l g i c a l b a t t e r i n g . 'It is in o u r b e s t interest to r e m o v e t h e m o o n i e s from our property' he concluded.

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FELIX Move Latest C o l l e g e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n h a v e still not r e a c h e d a final d e c i s i o n o v e r the p l a n s to m o v e t h e F E L I X O f f i c e to the n o r t h s i d e of B e i t Q u a d . F E L I X E d i t o r Hugh Southey, Business Manager J Martin Taylor and Union President Carl Burgess had further d i s c u s s i o n s with College Secretary J o h n Smith last F r i d a y . M r S m i t h a c c e p t e d the a r g u m e n t s a g a i n s t the m o v e , as p r e s e n t e d in t h e p a p e r s u b m i t t e d by M r S o u t h e y t w o w e e k s a g o . H e w a s still c o n c e r n e d , h o w e v e r , that to u s e the k i t c h e n a r e a b e h i n d t h e L o u n g e to a c c o m m o d a t e t h e s p a c e n e e d s of t h e B i o l o g y d e p a r t m e n t , i n s t e a d of m o v i n g h e F E L I X o f f i c e , w o u l d put t h e U n i o n in a v u l n e r a b l e p o s i t i o n .

M r B u r g e s s later c o n f i r m e d that M r S m i t h h a d a g r e e d that Free!

to m o v e t h e F E L I X o f f i c e m i g h t be a n ' e x p e n s i v e u s a g e of m o n e y w h i c h w o u l d be better s p e n t e l s e w h e r e ' . M r S m i t h is still i n v e s t i g a t i n g t h e c o s t of t h e move.

P r o f e s s o r A n d e r s o n , H e a d of the B i o l o g y D e p a r t m e n t , s p o k e to F E L I X a b o u t t h e m o v e o n W e d n e s d a y . H e s a i d that he h a d a p p l i e d to C o l l e g e for m o r e s p a c e for B i o l o g y , but a d d e d that h o w this s p a c e s h o u l d be a l l o c a t e d w a s not d i r e c t l y h i s c o n c e r n . H e s a i d that his department was receiving e x t e r n a l f u n d i n g for r e s e a r c h into m o l e c u l a r p a r a s i t o l o g y a n d s p e c i f i c a l l y into d e v e l o p i n g n e w diagnostic techniques and v a c c i n e s to h e l p c o m b a t i n f e c t i o u s d i s e a s e s in t h e t h i r d w o r l d . H e e x p l a i n e d that t h e s e d i s e a s e s are still t h e m a j o r

c a u s e of m o r t a l i t y in d e v e l o p i n g countries.

T o a c c o m m o d a t e the new r e s e a r c h p r o g r a m it will be n e c e s s a r y to e x p a n d t h e existing laboratory facilities.

Professor Anderson stressed t h e i m p o r t a n c e of this r e s e a r c h w o r k , a n d a d d e d that it w o u l d b e best to k e e p f a c i l i t i e s t o g e t h e r to a v o i d a n y n e e d of d u p l i c a t i o n . H e d i d not feel that for B i o l o g y to t a k e o v e r t h e L o u n g e k i t c h e n a r e a i n s t e a d of the F E L I X o f f i c e a n d B e i t H a l l T V L o u n g e w o u l d be v e r y satisfactory. Professor A n d e r s o n a d d e d that in his o w n v i e w t h e p r o p o s e d m o v e of t h e F E L I X O f f i c e s e e m e d like a g o o d d e a l for the U n i o n .

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Steve, Bill G o o d w i n , Richard Smith, Pete Hobbis, Richard Ellis, Rosemary Hosking, Kamala Sen, John Burgess, Jane Spiegel, Chris Stapleton, Nige Atkinson, Aaron

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Moonies M e m b e r s of t h e U n f i c a t i o n C h u r c h (Moonies) are standing outside M e c h E n g t r y i n g to get t h e n a m e s of s t u d e n t s Don't get involved T h e p e o p l e w h o y o u will c o m e in c o n t a c t with are s inc er e . T h e y feel they h a v e s o m e t h i n g to offer. U n f o r t u n a t e l y t h e p e o p l e w h o run t h e Unification C h u r c h seem less sincere. T h e y s e e m to w a n t to m a k e a lot of money persuading lonely y o u n g p e o p l e to g i v e all their v a l u a b l e s a w a y . T h e y d o t h i s by b r a i n w a s h i n g y o u . A n IC S t u d e n t w h o had had contact with M o o n i e s w r o t e in F E L I X

of t h e C o l l e g e is to ' t e a c h a n d r e s e a r c h at t h e h i g h e s t level'. T h e t e a c h i n g s t a n d a r d s at t h e C o l l e g e are s o l o w that C o l l e g e c a n not c l a i m to t e a c h at 'the h i g h e s t l e v e l ' . T h i s h a s little to d o w i t h U G C f u n d i n g . It is t h e result of n u m e r o u s old academics being too c o n c e r n e d w i t h r e s e a r c h to care about students.

Geoff Parsons F E L I X w o u l d like to congratulate Geoff Parsons for b r e a k i n g the British high jump record.

Rhino's Willies A s r e q u e s t e d last t e r m F E L I X h a s an a r t i c l e o n R h i n o ' s w i l l i e s . If y o u l i k e it o r d i s l i k e it or e v e n r e a d it,

F E L I X is p u b l i s h e d by the E d i t o r for a n d o n behalf of Imperial C o l l e g e U n i o n P u b l i c a t i o n s B o a r d and is printed by F o u r t h A v e n u e , 4 F a r n h a m R o y a l , K e n n i n g t o n , T e l e p h o n e 735 6437 a n d the Imperial C o l l e g e U n i o n Print Unit , P r i n c e C o n s o r t R o a d , L o n d o n S W 7 2 B B , T e l e p h o n e 589 5111 (ext 3515) E d i t o r H u g h S o u t h e y . B u s i n e s s M a n a g e r J Martin T a y l o r C o p y r i g h t F E L I X 1986. I S S N 1040-0711

Banana Split Dear Hugh, I'd just like to s a y I t h i n k that M r S e y m o u r h a s , to s a y t h e least, o v e r - r e a c t e d to t h e a b u s e he r e c e i v e d f r o m the ' B a n a n a s ' b o u n c e r s . It m a y h a v e m a d e h i m a bit u n h a p p y at t h e t i m e , but w r i t i n g to all t h e p o w e r s that b e is g o i n g a bit far.

In fact, I s y m p a t h i s e w i t h t h e b o u n c e r ' s s e n t i m e n t s in that I, h a v i n g met M r S e y m o u r six years ago, q u i c k l y c a m e to t h e s a m e c o n c l u s i o n that t h e y d i d .

N e v e r t h e l e s s I a g r e e that he d i d not d e s e r v e to be s p a t o n , h o w e v e r m u c h of a n a s t y p i e c e of w o r k he really is.

Yours Sincerely, Spock

What's A Hallworth

Send A Valentine's Mess age to the love of your life. p l e a s e c o m e a n d tell w h a t ' Y o u no longer think for y o u t h i n k of it s o that I y o u r s e l f as y o u r m i n d k n o w w h e t h e r to i n c l u d e b e c o m e s trapped and the s i m i l a r a r t i c l e s in f u t u r e .

M o o n i e s m i l k y o u dry'.

St Valentine's FELIX M o o n i e s a r e not like H a r e R e m e m b e r to get t h o s e K h r i s n a w h o s e e m to m o s t s m a l l a d s in for V a l e n t i n e s to be p e o p l e to b e h a r m l e s s D a y . A l s o s e n d in y o u r eccentrics. Contact with p r o b l e m s for our s p e c i a l M o o n i e s c a n r u i n y o u r life.

Valetines Day problems Harrods Protest page.

IC U n i o n ' s p r o t e s t o u t s i d e Small Ads H a r r o d ' s last w e e k w a s a n amazing success. Members A n y o n e can submit small of t h e p u b l i c u s i n g H a r r o d s a d s for free p r o v i d i n g t h e y w e r e m a d e a w a r e of t h e get t h e m i n t o t h e F E L I X p r o b l e m s f a c i n g student.

O f f i c e b e f o r e 1.30pm T h e protest also attracted Monday. s o m e press c o v e r a g e . IC Back T o Basics U n i o n h a s a d u t y to Unfortunately the article on o r g a n i s e m o r e p r o t e s t s of page 9 entitled ' B a c k T o t h i s k i n d . It is e s s e n t i a l t h a t Basics' appears to be a p e o p l e are m a d e a w a r e of r ev iew . It is a c t u a l l y a n t h e n e e d for better f u n d i n g o p i n i o n a r t i c l e by C h r i s for u n i v e r s i t i e s .

Murray.

Green Paper Credits Imperial C o l l e g e ' s r e s p o n s e to t h e G o v e r n m e n t ' s g r e e n paper on further education s t a t e s that t h e p r i m a r y a i m 2

T h a n k s to D a v e J o n e s , J Martin Taylor, J i m C l a y d e n , Sarah Kirk, S u n n y Bains, Mark Cottle, Mark Hunter,

Kotcheff, C h r i s Edwards, Nick Goddard, Nick Gardiner, Pete Wilson, A l a n Rose, Chris Murray, Dave Kingston and Eugene Zhog.

Dear S i r , I a m g r a t e f u l to M i k e S t o n e for his c r i t i c a l r e p o r t o n S t u d e n t H o u s e s at E v e l y n G a r d e n s (Ref. 24 J a n u a r y i s s u e of F E L I X ) . H i s r e m a r k s a f f o r d me t h e w e l c o m e o p p o r t u n i t y of u n d e r l i n i n g the g e n e r a l difficulties facing this office o v e r the m a i n t e n a n c e a n d i m p r o v e m e n t of C o l l e g e Residence Stock.

T h e u n a v a i l a b i l i t y of p u b l i c f u n d s , the d e a r t h of competent contractors and s k i l l e d t r a d e s m e n , the h i g h d e n s i t y u s a g e of t h e accommodation coupled w i t h t h e m i s - u s e of property and equipmen t by t h e r e s i d e n t s are t h e m a i n s o u r c e s of t h e d i l e m m a . A n a d d i t i o n a l p r o b l e m at Evelyn G a r d e n s has been t h e a b s e n c e of t h e Housekeeper through illness w h i c h severely affected the on-site communication, coordination and supervisory q u a l i t i e s . G i v e n that t h i s list is o n l y p a r t i a l , the q u e s t i o n of p r i o r i t i e s is in s o m e

Friday 31 January

w a y s t h e m o s t vital o n e of all. T h e p r i m e r e a s o n for concentration on the external maintenance repairs and redecorations of t h e S t u d e n t H o u s e s at E v e l y n G a r d e n s w a s to prevent further d e t e r i o r a t i o n of the c r u m b l i n g fabric. T h e s u g g e s t i o n that e x t e r n a l a p p e a r a n c e is the p r i o r i t y for e x p e n d i t u r e is t h e r e f o r e substantially inaccurate.

M a y I also point out that t h e o b s e r v a t i o n s m a d e by M i k e S t o n e are t y p i c a l , standard criticisms which I a m h a p p y to c o u n t e r f r o m expenditure on Residence maintenance and i m p r o v e m e n t s . In 1 9 8 4 / 8 5 , £436,000 w a s s p e n t o n H o u s e s as a g a i n s t £159,000 spent on the Halls. T h e total spent on external w o r k s w a s £130,000 (Houses-Evelyn Gardens) a n d £35,000 ( H a l l s Southside). The remaining s u m was wholly expende d o n internal m a i n t e n a n c e and improvements.

C o n c e r n i n g the p r o b l e m s with contractual labour, t h e r e is little p o i n t in increasing College s u p e r v i s i o n w h e n w e are s u r r o u n d e d by s o m a n y s e l f - a p p o i n t e d C l e r k s of W o r k s w h o a p p e a r to be e x p e r t s in just a b o u t e v e r y t r a d e in the b u i l d i n g p r o f e s s i o n . It is little w o n d e r that the w o r k m e n t h e m s e l v e s are s o o f t e n c o n f u s e d a n d b e m u s e d or s h o u l d I s a y a m u s e d b y it all.

I h o p e t h e s e few c o m m e n t s , hurriedly w r i t t e n , w i l l at least s e r v e to e n c o u r a g e M r S t o n e to s p e a k to his W a r d e n , r e a d my reports on e x p e n d i t u r e and improvements and also to f o l l o w t h e e x a m p l e of F E L I X a n d visit this o f f i c e to f i n d out m o r e t h o r o u g h l y a n d fairly w h a t c o n s t r u c t i v e s t e p s a r e b e i n g t a k e n to a l l e v i a t e t h e c o n c e r n s that c l e a r l y are s o c l o s e to his o w n heart. faithfully Yours Peter Hallworth FELIX

Faith Dear Sir, I s e n d m y t h a n k s to Mark Alderton for co-ordinating an excellent Features page in last w e e k s F E L I X . I s h o u l d state n o w , h o w e v e r that I a m a n a t h e i s t . L i k e Andrew Pettman I w a s raised by m y parents a n d school to be a christian, but w h e n , at t h i r t e e n I rejected my teachings I d i d no t set a b o u t t o r e f i n d G o d .

M y faith w a s s h a k e n b y b e c o m i n g a w a r e of t h e other religions to be f o u n d throughout the world and history. W h y follow Christianity whe n I have not even tried o r thought about a n y of t h e r e s t ? O b v i o u s l y this is b e c a u s e I w a s born a n d raised in a christian c o u n t r y a n d a b a b y is not c a p a b l e of f r e e d o m of c h o i c e . S o n o w that I c a n choose shouldn't I search for a n d f o l l o w t h e 'best' religion. The christian w o u l d s a y that it d o e s n o t matter, that a l l r e l i g i o n s b e l i e v e in t h e s a m e G o d a n d t h a t it i s o n l y i n t h e practise of w o r s h i p a n d s p e c i f i c b e l i e f s that t h e y

Paranoia?

Dear FELIX Editor, It's n o t that I'm p a r a n o i d but t h e r e a r e m e n in orange jackets carrying brushes following me about.

It a p p e a r s that d u r i n g last term the P h y s i c s Blackett laboratory was quietly i n v a d e d by R B K a n d C road sweepers. There was a time when students would arrive e a c h m o r n i n g to c h e c k t h e letter r a c k , d r i n k coffee and generally socialise. N o w a d a y s they nervously tiptoe about, l e e r e d at b y h o a r d e s of roadsweepers-smoking c o u g h i n g their guts u p a n d pondering o n the finer p o i n t s of ' s h o v e l l i n ' dirt'.

N o b o d y ever objected to an o c c a s i o n a l outsider c o m i n g in f o r a q u i c k c u p of c o f f e e a n d t h e u s e of t h e toilets. H o w e v e r , I believe t h e s i t u a t i o n is g e t t i n g o u t of h a n d n o w t h a t t h e Physics building has b e c o m e a regular meeting place. T h e sight of u p to n i n e o r ten r o a d s w e e p e r s is not s o m e t h i n g I o r m a n y other students wish to be greeted by each morning.I urge C o l l e g e S e c u r i t y to rectify t h i s s i t u a t i o n immediately.

O Smith Physics 3 FELIX

differ. T h i s is true. T h e r e is a c o m m o n thread running t h r o u g h nearly all religions, w h i c h is:D o n ' t k ill , d o n ' t r a p e , don't steal etc. T h e s e are ideals useful to m a i n t a i n i n g a stable society and c o m e more from man than from G o d as I think Mark A l d e r t o n r e c o g n i s e s . S o far therefore, I s h o u l d be happy as a pantheist.

However, Christianity a n d in fact a n y r e l i g i o n d o e s far more than u p h o l d the rules of s o c i e t y . F o r a n y i n d i v i d u a l e v e r y d a y life c a n be d i f f i c u l t t o h a n d l e . T h e r e are t i m e s w h e n e v e r y t h i n g goes wrong and y o u have n o f r i e n d s at h a n d t o h e l p .

It is t h e n that G o d , a s a figurehead, provides the island of stability to keep y o u g o i n g , h e is a l w a y s t h e r e t o l o o k after y o u a n d l o v e y o u . In a w a y t h i s is a n e x t e n s i o n of t h e w a y r e l i g i o n is u s e d t o e x p l a i n the inexplicable. T h e world is a c o m p l e x a n d p o s s i b l y h o s t i l e p l a c e , b u t it a l l b e c o m e s quite acceptable if a b e n i g n g o d is t h e r e t o make sure y o u don't c o m e to h a r m .

A r e g u l a r p l a c e of w o r s h i p is a l s o

Propaganda?

Dear Esteemed Comrade Southey, I w r i t e in d i s g u s t at t h e s t a t e of o u r d e c a d e n t imperialist radio station.

I s t r o n g l y b e l i e v e that t h e ideologically sound body that w a s I C R a d i o is b e i n g taken over by s c h e m i n g , capitalist c o l o n i a l i s t s , l a c k e y s of i n s i d i o u s R o n a l d MacDonald worshipping rotters f r o m A m e r i c a . T h e s t a t i o n p l a y s n o t h i n g but decadent, boring and morally corrupting, s o called 'middle-of-the-road' filth s u c h a s R . E . O S p e e d w a g o n . A n d as for the presenters, they a r e either c h e e s e b u r g e r eating c o u s i n s of e m p e r o r R e a g a n o r w i m p e r i n g s t o o g e s of t h e b o u r g o i s e like M r S o called 'Automatic Barrier' w h o s e s h o w is a c a r e f u l l y c a l c u l a t e d blow to o u r free and democratic cultural d e v e l o p m e n t . If m a t t e r s d o not i m p r o v e r a p i d l y (ie m o r e of t h a t w o n d e r f u l l y progressive and revolutionary group 'Hawkwind') I shall be f o r c e d t o listen t o t h e m o r e c u l t u r a l l y s o u n d but distinctly less funky radio Tirane.

Yours sincerely Eugene Zhog (Albanian Mountain champion 1962)

cycling

characteristic. This not only reaffirms an individual belief, b u t p r o v i d e s a f o c u s and meeting place for the community. Seeing the o t h e r p e o p l e a r o u n d y o u in c h u r c h g i v e s a s e n s e of b e l o n g i n g , p a r t i c u l a r y if y o u r e c o g n i s e that t h e church extends to millions of o t h e r p e o p l e . A f r i e n d of mine enjoys going to mass no t o n l y f o r s p i r i t u a l fulfilment, but a l s o b e c a u s e she gets to meet her friends a n d have a chat afterwards.

T h e s e t h e n , are s o m e o f the b e n e f i t s of b e i n g a christian. A b o v e all they make y o u happy. S o what is t h e p r o b l e m ? W h y a m I a n a t h e i s t ? C h r i s t i a n i t y is no t d e s i g n e d t o b e questioned. Originally only the priests c o u l d read the holy teachings and they told the people what was right a n d w r o n g , heretics were silenced. Even n o w t h e r e is t h e m y s t i c i s m of e x p e r i e n c i n g G o d , a n event w h i c h w e are t o l d c a n n o t be d e s c r i b e d b u t w h i c h y o u will k n o w w h e n you've h a d it. S o t o d a y , in t r y i n g t o analyse G o d , he appears c ons is t en t in himself.

H o w e v e r in a n a l y s i n g t h e evolution of religion from t h e w o r s h i p of i n a n i m a t e objects, G o d appears a

l o g i c a l c r e a t i o n of c i v i l i s e d m a n . T h i s is a s t a r k contrast to man b e i n g t h e c r e a t i o n of G o d . W i t h this knowledge I cannot believe without worshipping a false G o d . In r e c o g n i s i n g t h e p u r p o s e of G o d a s a p i l l a r to s u p p o r t m e in t i m e s o f difficulty, t h e pillar c r u m b l e s . A p l a c e b o will not w o r k if t h e p a t i e n t k n o w s h e is e a t i n g c h a l k . I can believe in G o d as the v o i c e of m y c o n s c i e n c e (itself t h e r e s u l t of m y upbringing and hence society), but then I a m only b e l i e v i n g in m y o w n s t r e n g t h of c h a r a c t e r , n o t an e x t e r n a l , a l l p e r v a s i v e , all p o w e r f u l b e i n g .

a 3 9

P e r s o n a l l y I t h i n k life w o u l d be happier with G o d , but I c a n n o t c h o o s e t o b e l i e v e . In t h e light of t h i s I had to answer a n important question before writing this letter. Is it m o r a l l y r i g h t t o try a n d s p r e a d a t h e i s m ?

T h i s is n o t m y i n t e n t i o n .

H o w e v e r if I d o not v o i c e my ideas, they c o u l d not be questioned and criticised, and s o w o u l d stagnate.

W h a t I d o t h i n k is i m p o r t a n t i s that y o u d o not j u s t i g n o r e G o d , whether he exists or not.

Yours (faithfully?)

Andrew M Dunn Physics 2

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TheWortdbeaters

U L U T r a v e l , Imperial C o l l e g e , Sherfield Building, Prince Consort R o a d , London S W 7 .

Tel: 01-581 8882

Friday 31 January

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s P r o f e s s o r B l o w of t h e P h y s i c s Department will be t h e s p e c i a l g u e s t at a n A c a d e m i c Affairs open meeting next W e d n e s d a y .

A s c h a i r m a n of t h e n e w l y formed Undergraduate S t u d i e s C o m m i t t e e , h e is c l o s e l y i n v o l v e d in t h e C o l l e g e ' s c u r r e n t r e v i e w of teaching methods.

'The meeting s h o u l d be a valuable opportunity for student representatives f r o m all d e p a r t m e n t s to f i n d out what this important n e w c o m m i t t e e is u p to, a n d to put f o r w a r d t h e r o w n views', said the event's o r g a n i s e r , IC U n i o n A c a d e m i c Affairs Officer J Martin Taylor. T h e meeting w i l l a l s o c o n s i s t of a training e x e r c i s e for Student Reps and a general discussion on academic affairs a n d the U n i o n ' s w o r k in t h i s f i e l d . M r T a y l o r h o p e s the event will b e c o m e a n a n n u a l o n e if t h i s first a t t e m p t is a success.

T h e meeting will be held in C i v E n g 201 f r o m 1.45pm until about 5 p m , with Professor Blow being p r e s e n t f o r the first h o u r .

All A c a d e m i c R e p s are particularly e n c o u r a g e d to attend, although the m e e t i n g w i l l be o p e n t o a n y interested student.

s s The Undergraduate Studies C o m m i t t e e is s e n d i n g q u e s t i o n n a i r e s to v a r i o u s g r o u p s in C o l l e g e a s part of its r e v i e w of t e a c h i n g m e t h o d s . IC U n i o n has u n d e r t a k e n to s u r v e y s t u d e n t s o n its b e h a l f t o find out h o w m u c h time they spend doing a c a d e m i c A/ork, b o t h t i m e t a b l e d a n d private study, a n d on s o c i a l activities. T h e questionnaires are being sent out to A c a d e m i c R e p s for a pilot survey, a n d a g e n e r a l s u r v e y of all s t u d e n t s w i l l be c a r r i e d o u t within the next few w e e k s .

It is h o p e d t h e i n f o r m a t i o n g a i n e d will e n a b l e student w o r k l o a d s to b e m o d e r a t e d since some departments a r e felt t o o v e r w o r k t h e i r students.

4

e Liverpool University Guild (the s t u d e n t s ' u n i o n ) a r e still a w a i t i n g a d e f i n i t e r e a c t i o n f r o m N U S to t h e i r r e f u s a l to p a y t h e i r affiliation fees. T h e y have c o l l e c t e d over 2000 s i g n a t u r e s s u p p o r t i n g their action. Mr Andy Wilkinson, t h e D e p u t y P r e s i d e n t of the G u i l d , s p o k e to the N U S Regional C o n v e n o r on W e d n e s d a y last w e e k . H e later t o l d F E L I X that h e w a s e x p e c t i n g to receive a final i n v o i c e a n d felt t h e r e w a s a p o s s i b i l i t y that L i v e r p o o l ' s delegates might be refused a d m i s s i o n to the next N U S c o n f e r e n c e in A p r i l . M r W i l k i n s o n thought the d e c i s i o n to w i t h h o l d half their fees m a y b e c o m e an i s s u e in t h e f o r t h c o m i n g electio n for u n i o n sabbaticals.

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Shapua Kaukungua, U K r e p r e s e n t a t i v e of t h e S o u t h west African People's Organisation (SWAPO) a d d r e s s e d an IC A n t i Apartheid Society meeting in t h e U D H o n T u e s d a y .

It w a s in 1966 that t h e United Nations terminated the S o u t h A f r i c a n m a n d a t e to g o v e r n N a m i b i a , s a i d M r K a u k u n g u a , a n d this decision was confirmed by t h e I n t e r n a t i o n a l C o u r t of J u s t i c e in t h e H a g u e , w h i c h d e c l a r e d the c o n t i n u e d p r e s e n c e of S o u t h A f r i c a n f o r c e s in N a m i b i a i l l e g a l .

H e stressed the i m p o r t a n c e of t h e W e s t e r n s u p p o r t in the c o n t i n u e d o c c u p a t i o n of h i s c o u n t r y , p o i n t i n g o u t that B r i t a i n o b t a i n s a b o u t half of its u r a n i u m f r o m Rio-Tinto Zinc's Rossirtg m i n e in N a m i b i a .

p O b s e r v e r diarist, Peter H i l l m o r e , g a v e a talk f o r WellSoc on Monday. Mr H i l l m o r e s p o k e f o r half a n h o u r o n t h e r o l e of t h e gossip columnist, on journalism a n d o n the newspaper industry.

R e g a r d i n g t h e m o r a l i t y of the g o s s i p c o l u m n , he said that o n l y p e o p l e in t h e p u b l i c e y e s h o u l d be mentioned and ended with the p h r a s e 'never s h o o t a pigmy with a howitzer'.

Eight Of The Best IC Rector Eric A s h launched boat club's new eight on Friday. T h e boat, surprisingly also called Eric A s h , has already won competitive races since its controversial purchase at the start of the academic year. In a short speech the Rector told a small audience that he had done some sculling during his time as a student at Imperial.

Boat club qoach Bill Mason also announced plans to run rowing courses for sixth formers in the summer vacation.

It is hoped that this will attract g o o d rowers to the college and help with the club's attempts to attract sponsorship.

In On The Act S t u d e n t s l i v i n g in p r i v a t e accommodation under a l i c e n c e m a y b e a b l e t o get their rents r e d u c e d by up to 5 0 % f o l l o w i n g a r u l i n g b y a S h e f f i e l d j u d g e last week. Pete M a r d o n , a law s t u d e n t at S h e f f i e l d U n i v e r s i t y , a r g u e d that h e and his two flatmates enjoy t h e p r o t e c t i o n of t h e R e n t A c t even though a licence they signed with their l a n d l o r d s e e m e d to s t r i p t h e m of p r o t e c t i o n a g a i n s t e x c e s s i v e rents, unfair eviction and bad hous in g conditions. The students a p p l i e d t o t h e i r l o c a l rent

o f f i c e r , h o p i n g that a 'fair rent' w o u l d be set b e l o w the ÂŁ17 per week they h a d a g r e e d to pay. T a k i n g his c u e f r o m a H o u s e of L o r d s j u d g e m e n t last y e a r , J u d g e C o t t a n r u l e d in f a v o u r of the student's c l a i m .

S t u d e n t s l i v i n g in L o n d o n w h o currently hold licences are e n c o u r a g e d to a p p l y for a f a i r rent to be s e t at t h e R e n t O f f i c e of t h e i r l o c a l c o u n c i l . Further details are available from Student Services, and legal advice is a v a i l a b l e f r o m N u c l e u s , telephone 373 4005.

A p p l i c a t i o n s are invited for

A PART TIME D R A U G H T S P E R S O N With either an e n g i n e e r i n g or c a r t o g r a p h i c qualification a n d / o r e x p e r i e n c e . T h e n u m b e r of h o u r s e a c h week varies with d e m a n d a n d allows flexibility in the e x e c u t i o n of tasks.

Contact Mr R W Loveday, Departmental S u p e r i n t e n d e n t , D e p a r t m e n t of Civil E n g i n e e r i n g , either by letter or o n Ext 4749.

Friday 31 January

FELIX

RAG In Britain students traditionally help raise money for charity. A s well as being great fun it also helps to create a better image for IC. Last year IC Rag raised just under £10,000 and it looks like we're well on the way to beating this figure by the end of the academic year.

Most students content themselves with supporting one or two events in Rag Week and forget about it for the rest of the year but as Rag Chairman, J o n Ingham, writes, there is still lots more you can do for Rag. R a g Committee S i n c e those lazy, hazy d a y s of R a g W e e k last t e r m , t h e R a g C o m m i t t e e have been r e c o u p i n g their energies for the c o m i n g months. B e h i n d t h e s c e n e s , o n e of o u r m a n y e n t h u s i a s t i c first y e a r s h a s b e e n to t h e N a t i o n a l R a g C o n f e r e n c e in Aberystwyth over C h r i s t m a s and has c o m e b a c k w i t h l o a d s of i d e a s f o r u s to p l a y w i t h . S o , to get b a c k i n t o t h e s w i n g of things this year, the following events have already be p l a n n e d : Parachuting M e n c a p are o f f e r i n g y o u t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to e x p e r i e n c e t h e t h r i l l of a

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ANNOUNCEMENTS •Australian Wine tasting-Tuesday 4th F e b 6.00pm S C R B eit . C o m e a l o n g a n d taste s o m e s m a s h e r s f r o m D o w n under. At an u n b e l i e v a b l e b a r g a i n p r i c e of o n l y £3.00 for m e m b e r s , n o n - m e m b e r s are very w e l c o m e at £4.00.

• A u d i o s o c : R e t u r n f r o m the d e a d A l i v e a n d K i c k i n g s e e diary.

•Feminist postgrad. W a n t e d to help in hunt for s h a r e d squa t or m a y b e flat. P h o n e A n n 6779.

• G ' d a y cobbers if yer b i l l a b o n g is p a r c h e d like a w o m b a t ' s armpit, git on d o w n to a fair d i n k u m t a s t i n g of A u s s i e j u m b u c k ' s sweat. U s u a l b a r n , n o v o m i t i n g £3.00 A $ 7 . 0 0 .

•Unbeaten Linstead c h a l l e n g e Evelyn G a r d e n s C h a m p s Bernard S u n l e y to f o o t b a l l m a t c h . C o n t a c t M P h i l l i p s L i n s t e a d etc-83 or via C o m p u t i t n g letter r a c k s .

• O P S O C presents P r i n c e s s I D A 1 8 22 F e b r u a r y , U n i o n C o n c e r t H a l l .

FOR S A L E • H o c k e y Stick (L). G o o d c o n d i t i o n .

Contact L E H D o c 2 P i g e o n holes.

• W o o d e n B6 Clarinet B o o s e y a n d H a w k e s E d g w a r e wit h c a s e £110 ono, Roy Harrison E E 1 .

WANTED • A n y o n e with a synth c a n play it.

A p p l y D a n S a l m o n s , P h y s i c s 1.

FELIX

life t i m e . A 2,000 f o o t parachute jump under e x p e r t s u p e r v i s i o n a n d it won't cost you a penny! At the s a m e time you'll be raising m o n e y w h i c h will g o t o w a r d s the largest g r o u p of d i s a b l e d p e o p l e in the c o u n t r y - t h o s e w h o are mentally handicapped. A c h a n c e that y o u really j u m p at! ( E x c u s e t h e p u n ) .

What's the catch, I c a n hear y o u asking? Firstly y o u must obtain an application f o r m f r o m a m e m b e r of t h e Rag Committee. T h e n sign a d e c l a r a t i o n of f i t n e s s a n d obtain a doctor's certificate. ( S o r r y all of y o u s u f f e r e r s from epilipsy, diabetics (mellitus), pyschiatric disorder, drug abuse and

s c h i z o p h r e n i a but y o u ' r e not a c c e p t a b l e ) . T h e n y o u g i v e £60 b o n d m o n e y p l u s t h e a p p l i c a t i o n f o r m to t h e Rag Chairman, J o n Ingham ( T h e R a g P i g e o n h o l e is in t h e IC U n i o n O f f i c e in B e i t Quadrangle). When your b o o k i n g has been

c o n f i r m e d then y o u ' v e got to r a i s e a m i n i m u m of £ 1 2 5 in p l e d g e d s p o n s o r s h i p to m a k e a first p a r a c h u t e jump. Y o u can c h o o s e the d a t e of y o u r j u m p s o t h a t it doesn't clash with other e v e n t s in y o u r c a l e n d e r a n d o n c e you've c o m p l e t e d the basic training and m a d e the jump you can claim your £60 b o n d b a c k o n h a n d i n g y o u r s p o n s o r m o n e y in.

D o n ' t m i s s t h e c h a n c e of a l i f e t i m e . E i t h e r c o m e to today's Rag Committe M e e t i n g or see J o n Ingham before 7 February.

R C S Rag Trip R C S U are p l a n n i n g a R a g M a g S e l l i n g t o u r in M a r c h (probably Friday 7 to M o n d a y 10 M a r c h ) w h i c h involves twenty people and a b o u t 5,000 R a g M a g s t r a v e l l i n g a r o u n d B r i t i a n in two vans. Y o u need a great selling technique and a strong stomach. Likely u n i v e r s i t i e s to be s u b j e c t e d to the onslaught are Manchester, Leicester, Loughborough, Nottingham, Bradford, Salford , Aston, Birmingham, Keele and W a r w i c k . If y o u t h i n k y o u c a n s e l l 2 5 0 m a g s in f o u r d a y s t h e n all it w i l l c o s t is your food and missing 2 d a y s in c o l l e g e . D o n ' t b e p u t off by t h e i d e a t h a t t h i s is j u s t a ' h a c k s ' t o u r . It w o n ' t b e if y o u c o m e a l o n g w i t h a f e w f r i e n d s . It's o p e n to e v e r y s t u d e n t in C o l l e g e but p r i o r i t y w i l l g o t o R C S U Members.

LOST •Whoever borrowed my D R X - 1 d r u m p a d f r o m the l o u n g e o n W e d n e s d a y 22 J a n . P l e a s e return it to me. J o h n N o b l e C h e m E n g 2.

• T o whoever stole my b r o w n leather wallet on 17 J a n f r o m L y o n P l a f a i r L i b r a r y . I D o n ' t c a r e a b o u t the m o n e y , but p l e a s e return t h e p h o t o g r a p h that w a s in it-only c o p y a n d of i m m e n s e s e n t i m e n t a l v a l u e .

S e n d to S u r u s t M a h a l C h e m 2 Letter Racks-Please.

• O n e parker fountain pen. B r u s h e d metal c a g e a n d g a p , g o l d nib. L o s t s o m e w h e r e in P h y s i c s Dept. C o n t a c t D C l e m e n t s P h y s i c s 3.

PERSONAL • B l a h , blah, b l a h , b l a h , blah...do lemons..blah blah, blah, blah, .

•If something small a n d y e l l o w taps y o u on the ankle, b e n d d o w n a n d hear it s e r e n a d e y o u .

•What is shaped like a s m a l l r u g b y ball a n d w h i s t l e s ?

•Problem: if y o u lie o n the p a v e m e n t c u r l e d up a s s m a l l as p o s s i b l e , try to look bitter a n d p u r s e y o u r lips, what d o y o u look like?

Valentine's Day Message or Hit S q u a d w i t h a difference. A r e you madly in l o v e w i t h t h e b r u n e t t e in t h e t h i r d r o w of t h e l e c t u r e t h e a t r e ? A r e y o u t o o s h y to make your feelings known?

W e l l we've got just the thing for y o u ! F o r only £3 y o u c a n have a special m e s s a g e a n d a b o x of M i l k T r a y d e l i v e r e d to y o u r l o v e d o n e by a d a s h i n g , debonair, y o u n g enonymous parachutingskiier! (All b e c a u s e the lady loves Milk Tray) A l l profits g o to R a g .

P l e a s e book this 'never to b e r e p e a t e d ' offer w i t h K a t h y in t h e IC U n i o n o f f i c e by T u e s d a y 11 February.

Rag Fete This year the annual R a g Fete will be held on S a t u r d a y 26 A p r i l a n d w i l l b e o p e n e d by A n n e D i a m o n d - s o m a k e a n o t e of it in y o u r d i a r y . It's not t o o e a r l y to start t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h i s o n e a n d w e wil l b e e s p e c i a l l y h a p p y to h e a r from clubs, societies and hall c o m m i t t e e s w h o w i s h to t a k e part.

Rag Meeting If y o u ' r e i n t e r e s t e d in a n y of t h e a b o v e e v e n t s or in helping us to o r g a n i s e much more-or you're a S o c Rep, then there's a meeting of t h e R a g C o m m i t t e e t o d a y at 1 2 . 3 0 p m in t h e S C R , Union Building.

Jon

•Mightly Mickey, h u g e S c r o o g e a n d enormous Ebenezer-Brian Blessed??

• S o m e people are s o t e d i o u s , they affect o n e s b o w e l m o v e m e n t s , but y o u r l o g o r r h o e a is quite the opposite.

REPAIRS

RICKY'S GARAGE IPmrSOnsI sirrtce guar»nt—d

It Q U H N S C A T ! A A C f

• P i c o c o n - a convention beyond y o u r dreams, beyond your imagination.

P i c o c o n - c o m i n g s o o n to a U n i o n B u i l d i n g near y o u . P i c o c o n will life ever be the s a m e ? P i c o c o n - b e t t e r than an c r a n e a l l y a d m i n i s t e r e d s l i c e of l e m o n w r a p p e d r o u n d a large g o l d brick. P i c o c o n - m o r e fun t h a n b u g g e r i n g y o u r g e r b i l - u s e s less s e l l o t a p e too.

• M a y the creator send c a m e l shit a n d fleas u p o n the m a k e r s of t h e pip e flow e x p e r i m e n t - G r o u p 13.

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•Linstead and Disco, £35 a night for good sound and incredible record selections. Contact A Tamdsidi A e r o 1 pidgeon holes.

•Maria, I demand a b l o o d t e s t - T o n y .

• W e put Duracell batteries in H e l e n a n d o r d i n a r y z i n c - c a r b o n batteries in S o t h e r g i r l s a n d H e l e n kept b u z z i n g longer!

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• W e do wish y o u weren't s o o b s e s s e d wit h s e x a n d virginity Grant..

•Paul's s u i t - H U R R A H !

• O U T now! From the a u t h o r e s s of 'I c h i p p e d my t o o t h a n d lived' a n d ' T h e G a m m y knee a n d h o w to love it' c o m e s that c o n t r o v e r s i a l b e s t - s e l l e r '1001 party c o n v e r s a t i o n s a b o u t my G a m m y k n e e ' for y o u r o w n autographed copy, contact Kath B o n n i c k , G e o l o g y 2.

• H a p p y Birthday, little H e l e n !

•Ida meets t h e h a m - c o m i n g s o o n .

• T h e Papist has risen a g a i n a n d is g o i n g to C O N T A C T w e e k .

• G r a h a m Stewart F l o r e n c e in t h e S u m m e r '84? I've lost y o u a g a i n .

P l e a s e get in c o n t a c t ( A l i s o n as in Nicky, C a r o l e and Tracey) C / 0 M i k e C o o k e A e r o 3.

•Churchill s u i c i d e s as India falls!

•Japanese megolomania as w o r l d ' s resistence collapses.

• T h e jacauncy for a leader of n a t i o n s is n o w f i l l e d - n o m o r e a p p l i c a t i o n will be a c c e p t e d .

•Richard-stop f o l d i n g up C a r o l i n e ' s knickers!

•Stuart, we know w h a t ' s in the parcel-the young!

ENDSLEIGH INSURANCE SERVICES LIMITED 71 O l d B r o m p l o n R o a d South K e n s i n g t o n London SW7 3JS T e l e p h o n e 01 -589 6 7 8 3

5

A h me, the b r a c i n g w i n d a n d r e f r e s h i n g r a i n that t h i s J a n u a r y has brought are b e g i n n i n g to l o s e t h e i r appeal, the enthusiasm with w h i c h I a p p r o a c h e d the n e w t e r m is b e g i n n i n g to f a d e , a n d m y g r a n t is, to put it m i d l y , d w i n d l i n g .

Nevertheless, other people d o not s e e m to h a v e lost heart. I n s t e a d of apathetically accept in g the d r e g s of t h e J a n u a r y b l u e s s o m e (true IC s t u d e n t s all) h a v e d e c i d e d to m a k e a little e x c i t e m e n t f o r t h e m s e l v e s , by m a k i n g even more excitment for t h e i r (no d o u b t t e m p o r a r y ) friends.

Unfortunately, Mssrs R o s e a n d W i l s o n still d i d not feel that t h e y w e r e really fulfilled wher e practical jokes were c o n c e r n e d s o , to r e m e d y this, t h e y t e a m e d u p w i t h T o m ( s w e e t n e s s a n d light) M e l l i a r - S m i t h in u p s e t t i n g M r C a r r . C l a i m i n g that t h e y were from Q M C a n d that they had a b d u c t e d Salty T o m , they p h o n e d the R C S office demanding Mary ( Q M C ' s mascot) from M r C a r r . B y b r i n g i n g his

but t h i s c o u l d not (like t h e N e w s l i n e story) b e v e r i f i e d .

Perhaps a nicer practical joke was played on a p e r s o n a g e by t h e d u b i o u s l a b e l of A l k e y . W i t h c o m p l i m e n t s of t h i s f r i e n d s , h e o p e n e d t h e d o o r to his r o o m to f i n d it h a d b e e n wallpapered with pictures of t h e r o u n d w o b b l y t h i n g s .

A passing innocent b y s t a n d e r h e a r d h i m ask (in a s t o n i s h m e n t rather than anger, we think), ' W h o w a s t h e tit w h o put tits o n m y w a l l ? ' B u t it is k n o w n that (in o r d e r to c a t c h t h e c r i m i n a l s , of c o u r s e ) he h a s d e c i d e d not to d e s t r o y t h e evidence.

A l s o s o f t e n e d by w o m a n l y wiles, M i n e s V P C h r i s Griffin was seen s l o b b e r i n g over an older w o m a n last F r i d a y night.

After meeting K a t h y Tait's m o t h e r at t h e party to celebarate Kathy and J o h n Inghams's engagement, C h r i s w a s h e a r d to w h i s p e r s w e e t - n o t h i n g s in h e r ear.

Personally, I have always

Rose, Wilson and MelliarS m i t h s e e m to be t h e n a m e s to w a t c h if y o u w a n t to s e e s o m e t o m f o o l e r y (yes, t h e p u n was intended). Within two w e e k s they have m a n a g e d to b a m b o o z l e I C U President Carl Burgess, R C S Transport Officer P a s c a l e C a r r a n d IC R a d i o Station Manager C w i s Martin.

P e t e (I w a n t s o m e D u r e x , a n d I w a n t it now) W i l s o n a n d A l a n ( y o u k n o w I'm r i g h t really) R o s e m a n a g e d , after h e a r i n g a b o u t a s i m i l a r offer f r o m t h e A m e r i c a n E m b a s s y , to c o n v i n c e M r B u r g e s s that the R u s s i a n C u l t u a l A t t a c h e w a n t e d a g r o u p of IC S t u d e n t s to t u r n u p f o r a n informal interrogation.

What's worse, with the i n t e l l i g e n c e that m a d e h i m president, C a r l readily a c c e p t e d t h i s offer f r o m t h e mysterious Mr Dublyokin, not f i n d i n g it s t r a n g e t h a t he s h o u l d receive two s u c h o f f e r s in t h e s a m e d a y . N o t o n l y that, but t h e c o l d w a r hotted up as a c c u s a t i o n s flew f r o m t h e U n i o n O f f i c e that t h e S o v i e t E m b a s s y had b u g g e d the A m e r i c a n s , inviting IC only b e c a u s e they thought the Y a n k s know something they didn't. L u c k i l y , an international incident a n d Third World War were avoided when s o m e kind soul e x p l a i n e d to C a r l that he had been (shock, horror) d e c e i v e d .

Simon Banton: Always the g o o d loser! s w e e t h e a r t ( J e z ) into t h e d i s c u s s i o n however, they m a n a g e d to o f f e n d h i m d e e p l y a n d like a n y gentleme n w h o has heard t h e h o n o u r of his t r u e l o v e q u e s t i o n e d , h e s o u g h t to punish those reponsible.

I n d e e d , after a p a r t i c u l a r l y u n e n j o y a b l e (sober) Firkin R u n (yes, a C a r r ( o u c h ! ) w a s driving) P a s c a l e went into t h e U n i o n B a r a n d threatened the aforementioned p e r p e t r a t o r s of t h i s dastardly crime with G B H ( a n d w e a r e not t a l k i n g beer). U n d e t e r r e d , they p r o c e e d e d to p l a y t h e s a m e trick o n M r M a r t i n , c o n v i n c i n g h i m t h i s t i m e the Guilds Hon S e c Dave Page had been kidnapped. After the usual t h o r o u g h IC Radio investigation, C w i s u s e d t h i s p i e c e of i n f o r m a t i o n as a n e w s s t o r y o n N e w s l i n e . R u m o u r h a d it t h a t h e t u r n e d u p at t h e a p p o i n t e d d r o p off p o i n t ,

t h o u g h t that t h e o l d e r woman/ younger man relationship was a g o o d i d e a (as l o n g a s it d o e s n ' t c o n s i s t of m y m o t h e r a n d m y b o y f r i e n d ) , but s u r e l y t h i r t y y e a r s is a bit e x c e s s i v e e v e n for a s e x starved IC Student!

A n o l d ' f r i e n d ' of F E L I X h a s r e a r e d h i s h e a d in college again. A n u n s u c c e s s f u l c a n d i d a t e for t h e F E L I X e d i t o r s h i p last year (who was s o well acquainted with the post he w a s s t a n d i n g for that h e h a d to ask a m e m b e r of t h e F E L I X staff.'How m u c h w o r k d o y o u h a v e to d o f o r o n e page?') was, while w a t c h i n g t h e S u p e r b o w l in the U n i o n C o n c e r t Hall on S u n d a y , helping an a s s o r t m e n t of b o o r i s h m a l e s to c o n d e m n F E L I X as ' c o m m u n i s t ' p r o p a g a n d a . At the s a m e t i m e , h e p r o c e e d e d to e x t o l l t h e v i r t u e s of F E L I X as he w o u l d h a v e e d i t e d it.

Friday 31 January

Fortunately for F E L I X , IC s t u d e n t s v o t e d for s o m e o n e w h o had seen a typesetter before and w h o k n e w the difference between a paste u p b o a r d a n d a s c a l p e l . It d o e s a m u s e m e , h o w e v e r to t h i n k of M r B a n t o n f i x i n g a folding machine, changing c a m e r a chemicals, or even w o r k i n g the F E L I X editor's o b l i g a t o r y 70 h o u r w e e k .

N e v e r in a m o n t h of S u n d a y s d e a r , n e v e r in a m o n t h of S u n d a y s !

J o h n S h a r p has apparently b e e n l e t t i n g t h i n g s slip at Q T . O n hearing about A d a m Jeffries (QT Chairman) being attacked

by S t o i c ' s S a r a h A l s o p w i t h a b o t t l e of v e g e t a b l e oil his g i r l f r i e n d w a s h e a r d to r e m a r k that t h e s l i p p e r y stuff w a s g e t t i n g everywhere. W i t h a k n o w i n g l o o k he s a i d s i m p l y ' M m m , y e s it d o e s d e a r , d o e s n ' t it,' W e c a n o l y a s s u m e that t h e oil in q u e s t i o n w a s v i r g i n o l i v e oil o r e l s e s o m e t h i n g w a s up.

A snippet from student services now. M r Christian, w a r d e n of H a m l e t G a r d e n s , h a s p i s s e d off o n e of h i s m a n a g e r s to s u c h a n e x t e n t that t h e p o o r m a n h a s r e s o r t e d to b e c o m i n g s u b w a r d e n of H o l b e i n H o u s e .

O f c o u r s e it m a y just be that he wanted a change...

T h e 'sporty mathematician' mentioned in last w e e k s c o l u m n h a s f a i l e d to r e c o g n i s e h i m s e l f while a H o l b e i n resident has redfacedly been d e n y i n g that he w a s t h e c u l p r i t ever s i n c e F E L I X w a s p u b l i s h e d . T h e real 'droopy' w a s very sympathetic about the 'unknown' mathematician, e x c l a i m i n g that h e h a d found s o m e o n e else w h o h a d his p r o b l e m . S u c h i n n o c e n c e in a m a n is rarely f o u n d .

W e l l , I'll h a v e to s a y ta t a n o w as I h a v e a p r e s s i n g e n g a g e m e n t (yes, it's t h e ironing again)...sorry about all t h e p u n - i s h m e n t y o u ' v e received, I g u e s s I w a s just in t h e m o o d t h i s w e e k (for puns, dear, for puns).

A n y w a y , l o t s of l o v e k i d s : a n d remember..no o n e likes a smart ass.

FELIX

K a r a t e K a r a t e - D o is i n c r e a s i n g in p o p u l a r i t y t h r o u g h o u t the w o r l d . H o w e v e r with t h i s i n c r e a s e in p o p u l a r i t y , certain m i s c o n c e p t i o n s a b o u t t h e p r i n c i p l e s of Karate have arisen.

M o s t p e o p l e if a s k e d a b o u t k a r a t e , w i l l t h i n k of t h e b r e a k i n g of b r i c k s a n d tiles, or of s i m p l e competitions where two p e o p l e a p p e a r to a t t a c k each other savagely. Karate is n o n e of t h e s e t h i n g s in e s s e n c e , a n d to p r a c t i c e it s o l e l y as a f i g h t i n g t e c h n i q u e loses the fundamental discipline and s e l f - c o n t r o l that m u s t p l a y the p r e d o m i n a n t role. T h e training therefore e n c o m p a s s e s etiquette and t h e s p i r i t of h u m i l i t y , a s w e l l as d e v l o p m e n t of t h e f i t n e s s of b o t h m i n d a n d b o d y . T h e e s s e n c e of k a r a t e t e c h n i q u e s is ' K i m e ' , m e a n i n g an explosive a t t a c k to a n a p p r o p r i a t e target, u s i n g m a x i m u m power, and originally c o m e s from the J a p a n e s e e x p r e s s i o n m e a n i n g to ' K i l l w i t h o n e b l o w ' . D u e to obvious danger though competition rules make c o n t a c t w i t h an o p p o n e n t i l l e g a l . H o w c a n this b e r e c o n c i l e d ? T h e t arget p o i n t is e s t a b l i s h e d in f r o n t of t h e o p p o n e n t s vital points, and hence the d e v e l o p m e n t of self c o n t r o l of f o r m s a f u n d a m e n t a l b a s i s for K a r a t e .

T h e h i s t o r y of K a r a t e is a d e v e l o p m e n t f r o m a n art k n o w n as ' T o t e ' , m e a n i n g 'the h a n d ' , w h i c h w a s a fighting technique d e v e l o p e d in J a p a n a r o u o n d 1429. T h e Japanese Empire covered m a n y of t h e i s l a n d s in t h e S o u t h C h i n a S e a at this time Karate originated on t h e i s l a n d of O k i n a w a . A s no weapons were allowed

by J a p a n e s e overlords, the Okinawans used 'open hand' techniques as a m e t h o d of self d e f e n c e .

T h e r e are m a n y s t y l e s of Karate. T h e S h o t o k a n style emphasizes 'power and speed'. Within the style t h e r e are t h r e e m a j o r aspects: 'Kata', 'Kumite' and 'basics'.

K a t u are ' f o r m a l e x e r c i s e s ' w h i c h c o n s i s t of l o g i c a l a r r a n g e m e n t s of b l o c k i n g a n d s t r i k i n g in pre-set s e q u e n c e s . T h e 'Kata' promote physical d e v e l o p m e n t of b o n e a n d FELIX

muscle. Additional benefits a r e fast r e f l e x e s a n d t h e a b i l i t y to m o v e q u i c k l y . ' K u m i t e ' is t h e art of controlled free-fighting. ' B a s i c s ' are t h e fundamental techniques, punches, kicks and blocks w h i c h f o r m t h e b a s i c s of the s p o r t .

Progression and standard in t h e s p o r t is m e a s u r e d by t h e c o l o u r of the belt w o r n .

T h e r e are n i n e belts or ' k y n ' p r i o r to B l a c k B e l t (1st D a n ) . T h e c h a n g i n g of belt s is c a l l e d ' g r a d i n g ' , w h i c h is a f o r m a l e x a m i n a t i o n of a n i n d i v i d u a l s ability. A b i l i t y is m e a s u r e d by p e r f o r m a n c e in a p r e d e t e r m i n e d K a t u , s e q u e n c e of b a s i c techniques and fighting, the e x e r c i s e s vary with the ' K y u ' s t a n d a r d a i m e d for.

IC K a r a t e c l u b h a s b e e n r u n n i n g s u c c e s s f u l l y for several years; training on Monday, Wednesday and S a t u r d a y in S o u t h s i d e Gym. C a e s e r A n d r e w is a permanent instructor for the B u d o k w a i J u d o / K a r a t e c l u b on the F u l h a m R o a d .

T h i s w a s t h e first c l u b o u t s i d e J a p a n to t e a c h J u d o . It w a s f o u n d e d in 1918 a n d h a s p r o d u c e d a s e l e c t i o n of O l y m p i c , European and World C h a m p i o n s ; for e x a m p l e , Neil A d a m s and Brian J a c k s . C a e s a r has recently been appointed instructor to E t o n C o l l e g e ; w h e r e a new Martial Arts centre has b e e n built.

L a s f Wednesday Mr Hazard visited IC to give instruction to Hazard IC Karate club. The training session saw Mr running the class through some basic techniques, placing and a strong emphasis on good control, technique especially 'Kime'.

When performing basic techniques the body should movement, remain relaxed and tense only at the end of a when contact is made. This tension is know as 'kime' or focus.

Towards the end, the techniques were put together into combinations, with Dave Hazard demonstrating how fluid and easy the movements can be. To finish off, a truly spectacular display was produced

by Dave and Caesar Andrews (3rd Dan), IC's regular instructor.

Starting with static kicks and punches, both quick, free-sparing ('Kumite').

This explosive aggression of their kicks and friends! punches made you wonder if they were still that: 'IC Karate club is one of Dave Hazard commented the better clubs I've seen, and has an excellent display of attitude.' discipline and Dave, 33, first achieved his Black Belt at the age of 20.

Since then he has won many titles and medals as well as in gaining overall third place in the World Championships on teaching and Japan (1977). He is now concentrating with his pupils not only in the UK, sharing his experiences but all over the World; in places such as Germany, Turkey.

Holland and

Union Bar y

Adnams 74p/pint

T h e club regularly p a r t i c i p a t e s in c o m p e t i t i o n .

In t h e N a t i o n a l S t u d e n t C h a m p i o n s h i p s , h e l d at Keele University, the club t o o k 2 n d a n d 3rd p l a c e in the M e n s T e a m Katu competition.

G r a d i n g s are h e l d at t h e e n d of e a c h t e r m , e x a m i n e d by a t o p i n s t r u c t o r . H e is the c h i e f I n s t r u c t o r f o r S h o t o k a n in G r e a t B r i t a i n and Europe, Mr K E n o e d a (8 D a n ) ; o n e of t h e h i g h e s t r a n k i n g K a r e t c h a in t h e world and one time c h a m p i o n of J a p a n .

The; c l u b is f o r t u n a t e e n o u g h to r e c e i v e t o p c l a s s instruction and s p o n s o r s h i p for its K a r a t e a c t i v i e s .

Presently arrangements are b e i n g m a d e for G e o f f T h o m p s o n , four times W o r l d C h a m p i o n , to visit the c l u b .

y

y s y s Silwood Valentine's Party Featuring The Millar Family' Starts at 8pm Tickets from Gareth Fish and Life Sci Reps

Friday 31 January

7

D | | e c e n t i s s u e s of F E L I X Âť have devoted m a n y c o l u m n i n c h e s to the ' G r e a t P o r n D e b a t e ' ; their c o n t e n t s h a v e no t o n l y b e e n t e d i o u s in t h e e x t r e m e , but t h e y h a v e a l s o m i s s e d the p o i n t .

M i n e ' s H o n P o r n N i g h t is no t t h e c e n t r a l i s s u e , it is m e r e l y a n e p i t o m y of the p r o b l e m that is a s e x i s t u i n s t i t u t i o n . O n e o n l y h a s to c o n s i d e r the s e x i s t - m a c h o a t t i t u d e s that are p r e v a l e n t in m a n y of s o c i a l a n d r e c r e a t i o n a l c l u b s to appreciate how decadent, in this r e s p e c t , ImperiaJ h a s become In p a r t i c u l a r , ! w o u l d c i t e the G u i l d ' s M o t o r C l u b of a p r i m e e x a m p l e of a c l u b w h i c h is p e n i a l l y o r i e n t a t e d . It is c e r t a i n l y not a c o i n c i d e n c e that s o called 'Supercars' have long, sleek bonnets with n o b b l y bits a t t a c h e d o n apparently for 'aerodynamic' reasons.

Quite o b v i o u s l y , the d e s i g n e r s of s u c h m a c h i n e s h a v e b a s e d t h e m o n their o w n sexual fantasies and I f o r o n e feel d e g r a d e d w h e n e v e r I a m f o r c e d to drive one. T h e Motor C l u b is s u p p o r t i n g t h i s i n s u l t i n g

'Literature

fervour into a d o l e s c e n c e a n d b e y o n d . It is not o n l y p a t h e t i c that f u l l y g r o w n m e n d o not h a v e accordingly developed e g o s to b e a b l e to r e s t r a i n the i d s , b u t this ' m a c h o t h i n g ' is a l s o very fant. T h e attitude valent in t h i s s o c i e t y Is l o t d i s s i m i l a r to that f o u n d in E r n e s t H e m i n g w a y ' s adventure stories for big b o y s , w h i c h g e n e r a l l y t ake the f o r m : 'Captain Berty 'Big N o b ' Bulldog pushed forward alone, machine gun b l a z i n g , he h a d n o fear, his c o u r a g e lay in h i s e n o r m o u s cock...It w a s i n e v i t a b l e that h e w o u l d d i e : his p e n i s w a s s o l a r g e that the e n e m y c o u l d n o t have missed. The captain d i e d k n o w i n g that h e h a d t a k e n ou t at l e a s t fifty of the s w i n e with him.'

L i t e r a t u r e is not the o n l y a r t - f o r m that h a s b e e n a f f e c t e d by the s c o u r g e : M u s i c is c o n t a m i n a t e d t o o .

I refer p r i n c i p a l l y to H e a v y M e t a l : it is a n i n s i d i o u s f o r m of m u s i c that r e l i e s very heavily o n sexist attitudes. O n e c o u l d d i s m i s s the lyrics as

is not the only art-form

that has been affected

Michelangelo's original cartoon for the roof of the Pristine wanna sign Adam, How's this?' s y m b o l i s m a n d r e v e l s in t h e true m e a n i n g of t h e ' j o y s of motoring'. Moreover, all sports societies have s a d o masocistic overtones and m o t i v e s — e s p e c i a l l y the more 'physical' ones.

Another club which has c a u g h t m y a t t e n t i o n for t h e i r f l a g r a n t s e x i s m is t h e Science Fiction Society.

O n e c a n understan d that little b o y s m i g h t e x p e r i e n c e some enjoyment from zapping bug-eyed green m o n s t e r s but o n e m u s t q u e s t i o n t h e m e n t a l i t y of those w h o extend this Friday 31 January

Inspite of this b l a t a n t s e x i s m , IC r a d i o c o n t i n u e s to p r o v i d e air t i m e to t h i s pornography. Thus s u b c o n c i o u s l y we are being indoctrinated and c o n d i t i o n e d into believing that it is p e r f e c t l y a c c e p t a b l e to m o l e s t c u t e , f u r r y , little c r e a t u r e s .

T h e g r o s s t u r p i t u d e of m u s i c i s not e x c l u s i v e l y continued to modern day artists, in f a c t , m o s t of t h e heavy c l a s s i c s are genitally o r i e n t a t e d . F o r e x a m p l e , it is r u m o u r e d that t h e orchestra and choir, both of w h o s e e m to be i n n o c e n t organizations, were ' c o m i n g in their p a n t s ' d u r i n g t h e i r r e n d i t i o n s of the ' C a r m i n a B u r a n a ' . It is not g o o d e n o u g h to s a y that b e c a u s e it is w r i t t e n in L a t i n t h e n the l y r i c s a r e meaningless'. To sing a b o u t t h e r a p e of v i r g i n s in a d i f f e r e n t m a n n e r m a k e s it more grotesque by turning it i n t o s o m e sort of f e t i s h .

This example emphasizes m y c o n c e r n t h a t s e x i s m is prevalent t h r o u g h o u t the w h o l e c o l l e g e s i n c e it h a s penetrated even the seemingly innocent societies.

h a r m f u l l y n a u s e a t i n g if t h e y c o n t a i n t h e m s e l v e s to t h e i r pathetic fantasy imagery, h o w e v e r , t h e y d o not a n d are g r o s s l y o b j e c t i o n a b l e .

G e n e r a l l y , they revolve a r o u n d p u b l i c i s i n g the singer's 'huge erect o n e ' a n d h o w h e l a y s fifty w o m e n a night . I q u o t e t h e example: I was a hobbit/ she was an elf/she turned me o n / so I a b u s e d myself/1 w a s a h o b b i t / A n d my name's B i l b o / S h e spread her l e g s / A n d I r a m m e d in a dildo.

by this

Chapel,

scourge'

entitled

'You

I c o u l d c o n t i n u e listing other c l u b s a n d their a c t i v i t i e s , h o w e v e r , l a c k of space prevents me from d o i n g t h i s . S o , to c o n c l u d e ; t h e s e c l u b s w i l l not c h a n g e voluntarily, s e x i s m will c o n t i n u e to f l o u r i s h at I C w h e n a c t i o n is not t a k e n .

B o y c o t t all s o c i a l a n d sporting societies and picket the H a l d a n e Library until all o f f e n s i v e m a t e r i a l is r e m o v e d f r o m its s h e l v e s ; then perhaps we might have a meaningful a n d e q u i t a b l e s o c i a l life f o r all at I m p e r i a l .

)

Just What You've Been Waiting For....

1st-7th] feb

I s

WEEK

CONTACT

1 L

1986

W h a t is C o n t a c t W e e k ?

W h y have those C h r i s t i a n s g o n e to t h e t r o u b l e a n d e x p e n s e of m a k i n g b a d g e s , printing 2000 posters u s i n g a s m a l l m o u n t a i n of b l u t a c k e t c ? T h e i d e a is to make C O N T A C T ! With Everybody!

W i t h n o n - C h r i s t i a n s to tell of s o m e t h i n g that C h r i s t i a n i t y h a s to offer a n d to listen to c r i t i c i s m w i t h o t h e r C h r i s t i a n s to learn from other traditions a n d to g r o w t o g e t h e r .

T o d o t h i s 20 p e o p l e f r o m a l a r g e v a r i e t y of b a c k g r o u n d s are livin g a n d w o r k i n g w i t h s t u d e n t s in C o l l e g e . T h e y wil l p r o v i d e a s o u r c e to l e a d d i s c u s s i o n s a n d reflect o n t h e i r o w n e x p e r i e n c e to g i v e h e l p .

T h e y wil l a l s o b e a v a i l a b l e for p e o p l e w h o w i s h to talk

to s o m e o n e t h e y will n e v e r meet a g a i n .

T h e h o p e is that a s m a n y p e o p l e will b e n e f i t a s possible. A s with anything, y o u o n l y get out of t h e w e e k w h a t y o u put i n - t h e r e is a n o p e n i n v i t a t i o n to y o u all.

T h i s w e e k is o r g a n i s e d

by T h e West L o n d o n Chaplaincy (Anglican).

T h e W L C r e p r e s e n t s the A n g l i c a n Tradition within C o l l e g e a n d c a t e r s for a n y o n e within the A n g l i c a n o r free C h u r c h c o m m u n i t i e s . T h e y have d i s c u s s i o n g r o u p s in m o s t d e p a r t m e n t s a n d h a v e an informal service on S u n d a y M o r n i n g s at 1 0 a m in t h e Consort Gallery (ground

Biathlons And Triathlons A little b e f o r e C h r i s t m a s a f r i e n d (sadist) s u g g e s t e d to m e that I w o u l d like to e n t e r a r a c e . ' W h a t k i n d of race' I tentively a s k e d a n d before I knew what I had rashly s i g n e d my b o d y a w a y to t h e m e r c i e s of t h e -irst C l a s s i c B i a t h l a n ' .

O n arrival my h a n d s b e g a n to w a r m u p w h i c h meant extreme a g o n y as I had no g l o v e s on on the way down. Luckily though I found a sympathetic friend w i t h a s p a r e p a i r to h a n d that I c o u l d u s e d u r i n g t h e race.

Held from a s c h o o l near New Maiden and consisting of a 5 m i l e r u n f o l l o w e d by a 22 m i l e c y c l e , it w a s knackering. My exhaustion not b e i n g h e l p e d by t h e l a c k of t r a i n i n g (5-10 m i n u t e s c y c l e to C o l l e g e a n d b a c k e a c h d a y of t h i s term.) a n d t h e d a y s freezing early morning temperatures.

I layed my bike down w i t h t h e o t h e r s , in t h e r o w s , together with the gear I n e e d e d ^ o c h a n g e into d u r i n g the transition p e r i o d , l e a v i n g for t h e f i n a l b r i e f i n g 10 m i n u t e s b e f o r e t h e off. T h e run w a s a n out a n d back route, a l o n g an A 3 slip road, exactly retracing the outward j o u r n e y after t h e half w a y m a r k . B e c a u s e of t h i s it w a s relativel y e a s y to j u d g e h o w f ar y o u h a d r u n a n d h o w m u c h m o r e effort y o u w o u l d a f f o r d to put into t h e run.

H e l d last S u n d a y , t h e d a y s t a r t e d w e l l by g e t t i n g u p at 7.15am i n s t e a d of a p r o p o s e d 6.00am s o that I h a d to f o r s a k e m y r e l a x e d b r e a k f a s t a n d r e l a x e d 10 m i l e c y c l e to t h e start f o r a q u i c k b o w l of c e r e a l a n d a q u i c k 10 m i l e s c y c l e .

10

B a c k at t h e s c h o o l f o r t h e t r a n s i t i o n p o i n t , it w a s o n w i t h a n o t h e r tap a n d

floor, Sherfield building).

The West London Catholic Chaplaincy T h e i r a i m 'is to b u i l d a C a t h o l i c c o m m u n i t y for students'. Like the W L C t h e y are o p e n to a n y o n e w h o w a n t s to t a k e part u s i n g the C a t h o l i c s p i r i t u a l i t y a n d T r a d i t i o n to g r o w a s p e o p l e a n d in t h e L o v e of G o d . M e e t i n g s every T u e s d a y , C h e m i s t r y 231 at 12.30 a n d o n S u n d a y s at M o r e H o u s e , 5 3 Cromwell Rd. A l s o i n v o l v e d in C o n t a c t w e e k is U n i v e r s i t y C h r i s t i a n Outreach-an intercolliegate interdenominational society set u p to s p r e a d Christianity. Evangelical and friendly. gra b the bike taking the least p o s s i b l e t i m e , b e f o r e h e a d i n g off o n t h e s e c o n d a n d last s t a g e of t h e r a c e .

O v e r t a k i n g p e o p l e at this s t a g e as I d i d m a k e m e feel g o o d but c a n b e a m i s t a k e it y o u ' r e o v e r z e a l o u s a b o u t it. A s it t u r n e d out all w o r k e d well and with my e g o b o o s t e d to start w i t h I c a m e in 16th. O u t of a f i e l d of a b o u t 250, t h e t i m e o n as yet u n c o n f i r m e d 1 h o u r 4 0 - 5 0 m i n u t e s c o m p a r e d to t h e w i n n e r s 1 h o u r 20 m i n u t e s . H e c a m e in o n h i s own and 6 minutes ahead of his n e a r e s t rival.

Events like this together with triathlons (swimming, c y c l i n g a n d running) like most sports are incredibly rewarding, especially when y o u c r o s s t h e f i n i s h line and collect your medal.

T h e r e is n o t h i n g q u i e t l i k e t h e f e e l i n g of c r o s s i n g that f i n i s h l i n e after b e i n g s u c h a m a s o c h i s t to y o u r s e l f over s u c h a time and c o u r s e a n d it r e a l l y is w o r t h all t h e p a i n . S o if y o u ' r e interested, whether s e r i o u s l y c o m m i t t e d or not contact me, C h r i s Stapleton via the F E L I X office or the Aero 1 pigeon holes leaving a n o t e if I'm not a r o u n d of y o u r n a m e , y e a r , c o u r s e or o t h e r m e a n s of c o n t a c t together with an indication of y o u r level of interest.

Friday 31 January

Rhino's Willies...(And other things) Last S u n d a y s a w the c l i m a x to t h e A m e r i c a n f o o t b a l l s e a s o n w i t h S u p e r b o w l 20.

G R E A T . . . g o d o w n t h e offy, s p e n d y o u r last p e n n i e s o n a f e w b o t t l e s of S p e c i a l B r e w , sit y o u r s e l f d o w n in f r o n t of t h e telly a n d e n j o y t h e thrills a n d s p i l l s of ' T h e Refrigerator' and the like.

P r o b l e m ; its 8.30, a n d it d o e s n ' t start till 9.30. W e l l what's on now. G o for the every popular 4 buttonw h a t s t h i s ? - s o m e b l o k e in a s a f a r i suit. ' O h n o - n o t another Natural History p r o g r a m m e ! ' N o in fact ' P e t H a t e s ' in w h i c h s o m e b l o k e rants o n about h o w s o r d i d a n d d i s g u s t i n g a n i m a l s are.

D i d y o u k n o w that w h e n you overfeed ducks, b e c a u s e they have so m u c h time released from looking for t h e i r o w n f o o d , all t h e y d o all d a y is c o p u l a t e ? It's a big p r o b l e m for the f e m a l e d u c k s to h a v e t w e n t y h o r n y d r a k e s after h e r - ( a bit like IC w o m e n ! ) D i d y o u k n o w that w h e n a male preying mantis gets all k e y e d u p a n d c l i m b s o n the female p r a y i n g mantis, s o m e t h i n g in his h e a d f o r g e t s w h a t to d o ?

S o l u t i o n - f e m a l e bites h i s h e a d off, a n d t h e rest of his b o d y get o n w i t h it;-well t h e bits that aren't b e i n g eaten d o anyway! (Which bit d o e s s h e eat l a s t ? ? ) Basically the program w a s a b o u t this b l o k e w h o g o t i n c r e d i b l y p i s s e d off about Natural History programmes fascination with copulating animals.

W h i c h l e a d s m e to t h e l o n g a w a i t e d bit a b o u t R h i n o ' s willies...

Well the point is, they're big, V E R Y , V E R Y B I G .

It's d i f f i c u l t to d e s c r i b e the general d i m e n s i o n s without being disgusting, but put it t h i s w a y : - y o u r average female R h i n o must h a v e r e c e p t i v e bits that r u n t h e full l e n g t h of her b o d y .

Y o u c o u l d stick y o u r arm up there no problem. O h t h i s is s o r d i d d r i v e l - l ' l l n e v e r s t r e t c h it out to 4 0 0 words.

FELIX

mEsnBRflin T r i c k y triangles C o n s i d e r an obtuse triangle (that is, o n e w i t h a n a n g l e greater than 90%).

It's c o n f u s i n g , man!

Last week's committee meeting problem caused q u i t e a lot of c o n f u s i o n .

M o s t p e o p l e c l a i m e d that there was no unique s o l u t i o n or that t h e r e w e r e ties, c a s t i n g votes etc. W e l l t h o s e p e o p l e w e r e all w r o n g , the p r o b l e m w a s q u i t e e a s y if y o u w e n t a b o u t it t h e r i g h t w a y . I h a d two correct solutions and t h e w i n n e r of t h e £ 5 p r i z e was R a c h e l Hill. M e c h E n g 1.

What most people missed w a s t h a t if r u l e 2 is to b e e x a c t l y a d h e r e d to, t h e n the seating arrangement must be s u c h that the C h a i r m a n (C) a n d P r e s i d e n t (P) c a n v o t e f o r a n y b o d y e x c e p t e a c h other.

C o n s i d e r r u l e 5, t h e P a n d C c a n n o t sit o p p o s i t e e a c h o t h e r , s i n c e o n e of t h e m w o u l d t h e n h a v e t o sit n e x t

Cave Canoe Football T h i s is t h e s e c o n d leastk n o w n s p o r t p l a y e d in Britain' said the President of I C c a v e c a n o e f o o t b a l l c l u b ( I C C C F C ) w h e n he i n v i t e d m e to j o i n t h e m f o r a weekend' s activities.

'What's the l e a s t - k n o w n ? ' w a s the o b v i o u s q u e s t i o n .

'Don't know.' H e replied. ' N o b o d y a p p e a r s to h a v e h e a r d of it'.

S o it w a s that e a r l y o n e F r i d a y e v e n i n g in J a n u a r y I f o u n d myself s q u a s h e d into a rather r u n d o w n V a u x h a l l Viva h e a d i n g a l o n g the M 4 t o w a r d s S o u t h W a l e s . It w a s o n t h i s j o u r n e y that I p i c k e d u p gist of t h e r u l e s of this c u r i o u s s p o r t .

B a s i c a l l y , t w o t e a m s of five p l a y e r s c a r r y c a n o e s i n t o a c a v e s y s t e m to f i n d a suitable u n d e r g r o u n d lake or pool. They then mark out goals and c o m p e t e with e a c h o t h e r t r y n g to p r o p e l a light p l a s t i c f o o t b a l l t h r o u g h the g o a l s using the b l a d e s of their p a d d l e s .

L i g h t is p r o v i d e d by traditonal caving h e a d FELIX

Is it p o s s i b l e t o d i v i d e u p any o b t u s e triangle into only acute triangles (ones w i t h all a n g l e s less t h a n 9 0 % ) ? If s o . h o w ? If n o t . w h y n o t ? £5 prize for a randomly picked correct entry. C o m m e n t s a n d cricisms w e l c o m e too, and all by T u e s d a y l u n c h t i m e please'.

to t h e O r d i n a r y M e m b e r (M) a n d w o u l d be u n a b l e to v o t e for h i m , t h u s c o n t r a d i c t i n g r u l e 2.

S i m i l a r l y , t h e y c a n n o t sit n e x t to e a c h o t h e r ( w h i c h a lot of p e o p l e t h o u g h t ) s i n c e t h e n o n e of t h e m w o l d h a v e t o sit t w o p l a c e s a w a y f r o m t h e T r e a s u r e r (T) a n d r u l e s 2 and 4 would contradict e a c h other. T h u s they must sit w i t h o n e p e r s o n inbetween them. Following the rules through, this leaves two possible arrangements.

1.

W h e r e 0 s t a n d s for P u b l i c i t y officer a n d S for Secretary , a n d the arrows point from w h o has voted for w h o . ' In d i a g r a m 1 it is n o t p o s s i b l e for a n y o n e to get four votes s i n c e P can't be v o t e d for by C a n d T can't vote for h i m s e l f or M . T h i s l e a v e s d i a g r a m 2. H e r e P can't vote for C , a n d T can't vote for M . T h u s the o n l y person w h o can receive f o u r v o t e s is O . T h e Publicity Officer w i n s the election.

D o o r s and Devils The problem two weeks a g o w a s to f o r m u l a t e a q u e s t i o n t o a s k of a d e v i l w h o m a y lie o r t e l l t h e truth, s o as to get the devil t o p o i n t at t h e c o r r e c t d o o r o u t of f o u r t o g o t h r o u g h .

O n e of t h e r e s t r i c t i o n s w a s that the dev i l w a s o n l y a l l o w e d to i n d i c a t e one door. Several answers involved the devil pointing to t h r e e , a n d I d i s q u a l i f i e d these.

M a n y of m y f r i e n d s c l a i m e d , at f i r s t g l a n c e , t h a t this p r o b l e m w a s ' i m p o s s i b l e ' , b u t it r e a l l y j u s t b e c o m e s a p r o b l e m in semantics. The question must be p h r a s e d s u c h that if t h e d e v i l d e c i d e s t o t e l l t h e t r u t h it a s k s f o r t h e c o r r e c t d o o r , b u t if h e l i e s it a s k s f o r t h e i n c o r r e c t d o o r s o that his lie will reveal the right door. T h e o n l y w a y to d o t h i s is t o have a self-referential q u e s t i o n of s o m e k i n d .

Rather than go into m o r e d e t a i l , I'll g i v e t h e a n s w e r s , w h i c h s p e a k for themselves.

torches. T h e sport was a n t i c i p a t e d . 'First o r i g i n a t e d in S o u t h W a l e s advantage' grinned Tony by a p o t - h o l i n g c l u b f r o m ^ Payton-the man Brian who were becoming responsible. After we rather b o r e d w i t h s i m p l y a r r i v e d at t h e l a k e s i d e , a c r a w l i n g a r o u n d in t h e c o u p l e of m i n e r ' s l a m p s local caves. They founded w e r e lit.' O n l y b e c a u s e the B r e c o n Seals, easily the you're a beginner' w a s the biggest and most reason offered O n my d o m i n a t i n g c l u b in t h e first a t t e m p t I l a s t e d five sport's short history. O u r s e c o n d s in the h i g h l y d e s t i n a t i o n that e v e n i n g unstable B A T before I was was S w a n s e a University, hauled from the freezing h o m e of t h e o n l y o t h e r l i q u i d by Ian P e n n i n g t o n s t u d e n t ' s t e a m . It a p p e a r e d (President) and A n d y that this w e e k e n d w a s to M a s o n (Transport Officer). s e e t h e v e r y fast U A U A f t e r five d i p s I d e c i d e d (unofficial) C C F to sit o n the r o c k s h e l f a n d C h a m p i o n s h i p final. A s our leav e it to t h e ' e x p e r t s ' , cars parked on the w h o s e m i n d s are a b o u t a s university c a m p u s we were s t a b l e as their c a n o e s . g r e e t e d by g a l e s of W h e n S w a n s e a a r r i v e d for laughter from our the m a t c h , b r i n g i n g t h e hosts/opponents. r e f e r e e (a B r e c o n S e a l ) I l o o k e d f o r w a r d to s o m e B A T C a n o e s (it s t a n d s entertainment. Alas no. for B a t h s A d v a n c e d J u s t p r i o r to t h e 'flick o f f T r a i n e r s ) a r e u s e d by s o m e b o d y t u r n e d off all t h e p e o p l e l e a r n i n g to c a n o e in lights except those s w i m m i n g p o o l s . T h e y are s t r a p p e d to the h e a d s of o n l y half t h e l e n g t h of the c o m b a t a n t s (ref).Mike 'normal' c a n o e s and look (Morris) C o l c l o u g h , the IC extremely silly. I hadn't s u b s t i t u e t r i e d to noticed! c o m m e n t a t e f o r 20 m i n s C a r r y i n g the small and until h e w a s f o r c e d to lightweight B A T S was replace Mark T u r n b u l l (mild easier than I had Friday 31 January

M a r k O r a m , of C h e m i s t r y 1, e x p l a i n e d t o t h e d e v i l that a truthful a n s w e r has a v a l u e of 1, a lie h a s a v a l u e of 0, t h e c o r r e c t d o o r h a s a v a l u e of 1, a n d t h e incorrect doors have a v a l u e of 0. H e t h e n a s k e d p o i n t to t h e d o o r w i t h the s a m e value as your truthfulness.' This question s h o w s t h e l o g i c of t h e problem excellently and d e m o n s t r a t e s that s u c h a q u e s t i o n is p o s s i b l e . It g o e s a g a i n s t t h e s p i r i t of t h e p r o b l e m , s i n c e it i n v o l v e s preliminary definitions w h i c h the devil might i g n o r e , but t h e s e c o u l d a l w a y s b e m a d e p a r t of t h e question.

J a m e s D y e r , of M e c h E n g 1, a n d N e i l T h o r n t o n , of M a t h s 3, e n t e r e d v e r y similar questions along the l i n e s of ' I n d i c a t e a d o o r y o u w o u l d tell m e not to g o t h r o u g h , if y o u w e r e t h e o p p o s i t e in t r u t h f u l l n e s s t o that w h i c h y o u are n o w ' T h e p h r a s e ' o p p o s i t e in t r u t h f u l n e s s ' is o p e n t o i n t e r p r e t a t i o n , but t h e d e v i l w i l l b e m e r c i f u l in t h i s c a s e .

The randomly selected winner was Mark Oram, w h o n o w h a s to d e v i s e s o m e cleverer q u e s t i o n s to locate w h o has his £5 prize in t h e F E L I X O f f i c e .

T h e best q u e s t i o n I c o u l d t h i n k u p w a s 'if t h i s question had been 'indicate any d o o r not to g o t h r o u g h ' indicate any door you wouldn't have answered.'

T h i s a v o i d s r e f e r e n c e s to the 'truthfulness' a n d the devil h a s no c h o i c e but to indicate the correct door.

concussion following a c o l l i s o n with a stalectite).

T e n m i n u t e s later c a m e half-time when I discovered w e w e r e l o s i n g 3-2 o u r g o a l s f r o m Ian P e n n i n g t o n , w h o w a s t r y i n g to i m p r e s s the ref a s e l e c t o r for t h e Welsh national squad). A s e r i e s of test m a t c h e s is d u e to be p l a y e d a g a i n s t the t o u r i n g C a n a d i a n s t h i s summer.

T h e s e c o n d half w a s l e s s s u c c e s s f u l . Ian s c o r e d a n o t h e r but M o r r i s w a s s e n t - o f f for dirty p l a y ( s m a s h i n g an o p p o n e n t s head torch). Meanwhile S w a n s e a s c o r e d five t i m e s g i v i n g a f i n a l s c o r e of 8-3.

IC w e r e j u b i l a n t h o w e v e r , t h e y e x p e c t e d to l o s e by ten o r t w e l v e . T h e B A T S w e r e a c c l a i m e d as a great i n n o v a t i o n (by T o n y ) , a n d M a r k r e c o v e r e d in t i m e to o r g a n i s e t h e ritual d u c k i n g of Ian in t h e w a t e r .

A s w e a r r i v e d b a c k in L o n d o n I found myself c o n s i d e r i n g t h e m i n d s of fellow human beings. S o m e people can find excitement in t h e s t r a n g e s t of w a y s . ' It'll n e v e r c a t c h on!....

11

Cycling

2

1 0 . 0 0 a m last S u n d a y s a w 12 c y c l i s t s g a t h e r e d at B e i t A r c h in p r e p a r a t i o n f o r t h e w e e k l y Imperial C o l l e g e Cycling Club Sunday Run. Where were we going?

N o b o d y k n e w , s o we just a s s u m e d that M a r t i n , o u r wonderous Captain, would lead the way. T h e weather was perfect-well almost.

T h e sun s h o n e brightly w i t h n o c l o u d s in t h e s k y , but it w a s a little c o l d .

H o w e v e r , by t h e t i m e w e g o t to t h e A 3 , a f a v o u r i t e C y c l i n g club venue, we had all w a r m e d up a n d w e r e starting to enjoy ourselves.

S o on a l o n g the A 3 - w a s it to b e G u i l d f o r d ?

D o r k i n g ? N o - w e t u r n e d off a few miles before G u i l d f o r d a n d s p e d off towards Woking. By now, the traffic a n d c a r b o n monoxide normally associated with L o n d o n h a d g i v e n w a y to f i e l d s a n d t r e e s - l o t s of b e a u t i f u l s c e n e r y . A f t e r W o k i n g it w a s off to C o b h a m w h e r e w e p a u s e d b r i e f l y to v i e w a cyclo-cross course, d e c l i n i n g t h e i n v i t a t i o n s to ride a r o u n d the c o u r s e .

Then onto Chertsey, where a f r i e n d l y little n e w s a g e n t s s h o p w a s c l e a n e d o u t of M a r s B a r s a n d C o k e in o u r q u e s t to r e f r e s h o u r s e l v e s .

S o o n w e w e r e off a g a i n through Sunbury and Kingston, arriving back h o m e at a b o u t 2 . 0 0 p m .

Overall, the ride w a s e n j o y e d by a l l , a n d w e all n o w e a g e r l y a w a i t n e w s of where w e are g o i n g next Sunday-if anybody decides b e f o r e w e set off! In t h e meantime, W ednes da y sees u s m e e t i n g at B e i t A r c h at 2.00pm for a short a f t e r n o o n ride.

Dramsoc I n o r m a l l y try to d o t h e l a u n d r y e v e r y t o o or t h r e e w e e k s ; I f i n d it m o r e c o n v e n i e n t to w a s h e v e r y t h i n g after I've w o r n t h e s a m e p a i r of s o c k s twice, though occasionally I h a v e to u s e t h e s a m e p a i r three times.

W a s h i n g by h a n d is s o m e t h i n g of a c h o r e , but it is t h e o n l y s a t i s f a c t o r y s o l u t i o n for w a s h i n g delicate clothing s u c h as w o o l l e n s . For the majority of u s l a u n d r y t i m e m e a n s another e n c o u n t e r with the w a s h i n g m a c h i n g d o w n the road.

W a s h i n g m a c h i n e s are e i t h e r t o p or f r o n t l o a d i n g , oh by the w a y there's an A c t i n g W o r k s h o p o n W e d n e s d a y at 2 . 3 0 p m in the S t o r e o o m .

12

SFSoc

Wellsoc This week's Wellsoc meeting sees Prof I Craft bringing us u p to d a t e w i t h t h e latest d e v e l o p m e n t s in t h e w o r l d of In-vitro fertilisation (Test T u b e B a b i e s to y o u a n d m e ) .

P r o f C r a f t is a w o r l d p i o n e e r in t h i s f i e l d a n d wil l b e e x p l o r i n g m a n y of t h e h i g h l y c o n t r o v e r s i a l a s p e c t s of I V F .

L a t e r in t h e t e r m , m o r e e v e n t s to e n l i v e n y o u r Monday evenings including T V megastar, scientest and aged author J a m e s Burke and A s t r o n o m e r Prof Fred Hayle. For more details wait with baited breath for the W e l l s o c newsletterd i s t r i b u t e d f r e e to all members and also available at M o n d a y m e e t i n g s .

F i n a l l y , c a l l i n g all 1st a n d 2nd year students.

Elections for the new W e l l s o c c o m m i t t e e wil l t a k e p l a c e n e a r t h e e n d of t h i s t e r m s o if y o u w a n t t o b e c o m e part of t h e n e w dynamic, challenging, enterprising H G Wells Society C o m m i t t e e , see the C h a i r m a n or V i c e C h a i r m a n at M o n d a y meetings.

P S what's three inches long, yellow and whistles?

Guilds T o n i g h t is t h e 35th Engineers Dinner and D a n c e at t h e P a r k L a n e Hotel.

T h e B a l l r o o m wil l b e f i l l e d to c a p a c i t y w i t h o v e r 3 7 0 m e m b e r s of c o l l e g e a n d g u e s t s . O u r g u e s t s of h o n o u r are P r o f e s s o r E A s h C B E PhD DSc FCGI DIC F E N G F R S R e c t o r of t h e C o l l e g e a n d his w i f e . T h e g u e s t s p e a k e r is b e i n g k e p t a c l o s e l y g u a r d e d secret by H o n S e c Dave Page so we w i l l h a v e to w a i t a n d s e e .

M u s i c for t h e e v e i n g includes background piano a c c o m p a n i m e n t before d i n n e r , light j a z z d u r i n g t h e meal and raunchy d a n c e b a n d m u s i c as e v e r y o n e t a k e s to t h e d a n c e f l o o r .

F o r t h o s e w h o really have g o t w h a t it t a k e s t h e p a r t y continues back on home g r o u n d with a d i s c o into the early hours .

T h e d i n n e r is f o r m a l s o d i n n e r suits must be w o r n a n d o n e main rule to o b s e r v e ie n o s m o k i n g , l e a v i n g t h e t a b l e or r e m o v i n g of j a c k e t s u n t i l after t h e l o y a l t o a s t . D i n e r s m a y o r d e r port d u r i n g the m e a l to b e u s e d d u r i n g t h e toast.

W e l o o k f o r w a r d to seeing you there ;

A s P i c o n o n 4 rapidly a p p r o a c h e s , great w h e e l s are t u r n i n g . T h e l o c a l h y p e r council have granted us a l i c e n c e to s e r v e H 2 0 in all its f o r m s to t h o s e a t t e n d i n g the C o n . A n u n c o n f i r m e d s o u r c e states that a c o l o n y s h i p h a s b e e n o n its w a y to this c o n for a c o n s i d e r a b l e n u m b e r of m i l l e n i a . T h e e x i s t e n c e of t h e c o n w a s r e v e a l e d t o t h e c a p t a i n of the ship via a time warp, w h e n t h e s h i p w a s still in the C r a b N e b u l a .

D u e to i n c r e a s i n g c o s t s , any being with more than t h r e e h e a d s , or s i x e y e s (excluding c o m p o u n d eyes) w i l l h a v e to p a y a n entrance fee for e a c h h e a d o r part of h e a d t h e r e a f t e r .

H o w e v e r , as t h e e n t r a n c e f e e is at t h e b a r g a i n p r i c e of ÂŁ2.50 or 3.3 g a l a c t i c credits (inflation) this s h o u l d not p r e s e n t t o o m u c h of a p r o b l e m .

P i c o c o n 4 is o n F e b r u a r y 15th.

For further up-dates on P i c o c o n 4 w a t c h this fourspace!

ICMAC L e s s o n 12: L e F l y i n g Lesson I n s t r u c t e u r : B o n j o u r et Welcome. Aujourd'hui on v a l e a r n e r c o m m e n t o n flies u n m o d e l aircraft, a v e c le r a d i o c o n t r o l . V i o l a le n o u v e a u Fleet Transmitter aux quatre channels.

L e a r n e r : A h o u i - j e v o i s . Et si o n p o u s s e cette t w i d d l e y stick ici?

I n s t r u c t e u r : Ca c ' e s t p o u r le rudder. Le m o d e l aircraft p i t c h e s et y a w s . P o u r t o u r n e r I'aircraft, o n n e d o i t pas oublier un peu d'elevator.

Learneur: L'elevator?

Instructeur: O u i - o n doit p o u s s e r cette twiddley stick la.

L e a r n e u r : B o n . Et q u ' e s t q u e c'est, cette k n o b ?

Instructeur: C'est L'airelon et r u d d e r c o u p l e - c ' e s t p o u r tourner mieux.

L e a r n e u r : ....et c e t t e r a t c h e t thing ici?

I n s t r u c t e u r : C ' e s t p o u r le m o t e u r . L ' a i r c r a f t t o u r n e et fait u n p l u n g e p a r t e r r e , e n heurtant la terre avec un g f o r c e d e 1 0 g . Et p u i s explodes.

Learneur: Dommage. J e m'excuse.

I n s t r u c t e u r : C e n'est r i e n .

B o n - j e v a i s te v o i r a Southside,'a 1pm, J e u d i .

Learneur: D'accord. A u revoir.

Instructeur: A u revoir.

Friday 31 January

QT T h e r e w a s a great d e a l of c o n s t e r n a t i o n at t h i s w e e k ' s Q T meeting over the d i s a p p e a r a n c e of o u r g o r i l l a , G e r a l d . I w o u l d like to i n f o r m r e a d e r s at t h i s p o i n t that G e r a l d r e p r e s e n t s n o d a n g e r to t h e general public, mainly due to t h e f a c t that h e h a s b e e n d e a d for eight years.

G e r a l d is e i g h t feet t a l l , c o v e r e d in d e n s e b a l c k h a i r and has a distinguishing b i r t h m a r k o n his left kneecap.

T h e p o s s i b i l i t y that G e r a l d has been k i d n a p p e d h a s not b e e n r u l e d o u t . In f a c t Q T ' s e n t a c o u p l e of t h e b o y s r o u n d ' to visit college gangland boss Harold 'Sideboards' M c k e n z i e . Mr M c k e n z i e has had several previous convictions, including ' L o i t e r i n g w i t h i n t e n t to b u y grapefruit'. A self c o n f e s s e d fruitophile, sideboards has just b e e n r e l e a s e d from a c h a r g e of ' m a k i n g i m p r o p e r a d v a n c e s to a n a p r i c o t u n d e r t h e a g e of c o n s e n t ' M r M c k e n z i e d e n i e d all k n o w l e d g e of t h e theft, a n d proudly displayed the unusuall y large and e x t r e m e l y rare ' B l a c k C a n a r y ' g i v e n to h i m b y h i s Aunt Agatha. The canary, which was munching a b a n a n a a n d g r o w l i n g at t h e time, d e c l i n e d to c o m m e n t .

O u r m a j o r f e a r is t h a t s o m e h o w G e r a l d has penetrated the R o y a l S c h o o l of M i n e s b u i l d i n g , w h e r e he w i l l b e c o m p l e t e l y indistinguishable from the indiginous savages.

Barn Dancing A l t h o u g h c o n c e i v e d , the B a r n D a n c i n g S o c i e t y is still l a c k i n g m a t e r i a l existence. Don't panic! T h e Guilds Valentines Barn D a n c e is l i n e d u p a n d t h e r e are a l i m i t e d n u m b e r of t i c k e t s l u r k i n g in t h e G u i l d s Office and Roger Preece's pocket. When was such v a l u e - f o r - m o n e y o f f e r e d in t h e 100 y e a r s of C i t y a n d G u i l d s ? A live b a n d , b a r e x t e n s i o n , a n d o d d m e n t s of f o o d wil l s u p p o r t t h e entertainment w h i c h will e s s e n t i a l l y b e c r e a t e d by t h e d a n c e r s (ie y o u ) . A n d the p r i c e ? ÂŁ2.00 p e a n u t s included.

Event: The Valentines Barn Dance.

Venue: The Holland Ant. D a t e : 14th F e b r u a r y (Surprise, surprise) T i m e : 7.30pm T i c k e t s : F r o m the G u i l d s Office.

FELIX

Football St T h o m a s 1 IC 1sts 7 I m p e r i a l ' s s e c o n d g a m e of this t e r m s h o w e d t h e d i f f e r e n c e in s t a n d a r d s between the top, a n d b o t t o m , of t h e p r e m i e r d i v i s i o n . W i t h o n l y ten m e n , a n d yet to w i n in t h e l e a g u e this s e a s o n , St T h o m a s l o o k e d to b e an e a s y w i n for a slightly w e a k e n e d IC t e a m . H o w e v e r , it w a s 15 minutes before a twenty yard cross c o m e shot from Martin Bradley dipped u n d e r t h e c r o s s bar, t a k i n g the lead for IC. IC's s e c o n d goal c a m e f r o m a free k i c k t a k e n by G u y P o p p y and expertly n o d d e d past the St T h o m a s keeper by M i k e H o u s e b y o n t h e n e a r pos t .

Despite several attempts by t h e S t T h o m a s d e f e n c e to k e e p t h e b a l l out of t h e i r net ( i n c l u d i n g a h a n d b a l l , c o n v e n i e n t l y i g n o r e d by t h e ref) M i k e H o u s e b y s c o r e d his s e c o n d and IC's third with a flick past the k e e p e r f r o m o n e y a r d after a s h o t

by D a v e L y n n e b o u n c e d a c r o s s t h e f a c e of t h e g o a l .

It w a s t h i s c o m b i n a t i o n that s a w I C g o 4 - 0 u p j u s t b e f o r e half t i m e w i t h M i k e H o u s e b y putting Dave 'go for g o a l ' L y n n e t h r o u g h a n d D a v e p u s h i n g the ball past the a d v a n c i n g keeper.

T h e s e c o n d half s a w m o r e a t t e m p t s at t h e S t T h o m a s goal, including a 25 y a r d c u r l e r f r o m A l e x L u n g h i w h i c h hit t h e p o s t , r e b o u n d e d back into play, l e a v i n g I C flat f o o t e d a s S t T h o m a s ran p a s t t h e b o r e d IC d e f e n c e a n d s l o t t i n g t h e ball in t h e b a c k of t h e net.

IC w e r e q u i c k to retaliate, and were awarded a p e n a l t y after G u y P o p p y w a s b r o u g h t d o w n after a thirty y a r d run. M i k e H o u s e b y s h o w e d t h e first t e a m h o w to t a k e p e n a l t i e s and scored convincingly f r o m t h e s p o t to put I C 5-1 up.

IC's sixth goal c a m e from a penetrating pass from G u y P o p p y to M i k e H o u s e b y ( a g a i n in t h e s i x y a r d area) w h o c o u l d n ' t miss from that close!

IC's seventh and M i k e H o u s e b y ' s 5th w a s excellently taken by M i k e as h e c h i p p e d t h e k e e p e r f r o m 18 y a r d s after a searching pass from Chris Engberg.

Altogether a good performance from IC especially Mike Houseby (need we mention him again?) and Martin Barnes in m i d f i e l d .

FELIX

Football Wed 22 KQC IC KQC Sat 25 IC St M a r y ' s Guys IC Hockey Wed 22 Mens IC LSE RSM QEC Sat 25 Mens NPL IC Mixed IC .lugby Wed 15 Guilds Wed 22 Guilds Guilds Badminton S a f 11 Mixed IC Wed 15 Mens IC Sat 18 Mixed IC Wed 22 Mens IC Sat 25 Mens Knockout C u p IC

1sts 3rds 3rds

0 3 1

IC RFH IC

4ths

4 4 1

^nds ists 2nds 5ths

3 5 1 0

RFH IC IC KQC

3rds 4ths 6ths

1 0 0 2

Ists

1 3 2 2

London Hospital Guilds KCH RCS

1 0

IC NPL

1

RSM

0

1sts

20

Met P o l i c e K Div

12

lata 2nds

7 12

Vets UCL

1sts

8

St G e o r g e s

1

3rds

7

Guys

2

2nds

6

St G e o r g e s

3

1sts

9

St G e o r g e s

0

1sts

6

RHBNC

5

2nds

K Q C 1sts 0 IC 1sts 4 IC's impressive form continued when they w o n their fourth c o n s e c u t i v e l e a g u e g a m e . In c o n d i t i o n s not c o n d u c i v e to g o o d football with a strong crossfield wind blowing IC w e r e t h e first to settle playing s o m e delightful one and two touch football. IC's first c a m e w h e n A l e x L u n g h i ' s free kick w a s p l a y e d to P a u l B r a v e r y w h o s e m i s - h i t s h o t f r o m 10 yard s w a s deflected past

1sts

0 0 3 5

1sts

1sts 4ths

0 7

17 8

the stranded keeper.

IC c o n t i n u e d to put pressure on the K Q C defence with the keeper p e r f o r m i n g h e r o i c s to k e e p t h e s c o r e at 1-0. I C d i d increase their lead w h e n G u y P o p p y s h r u g g e d off several challenges before drilling the ball h o m e from 18 y a r d s . T h e t h i r d c a m e when Paul Bravery intercepted a back pass s h o o t i n g past the a d v a n c i n g keeper.

IC e x p e c t e d K Q C to c o m e s t r o n g l y in t h e

Wednesday Results Football IC IC IC Rugby RSM RSM Hockey IC Badminton

1sts 2nds 4ths

St T h o m a s ' s Mines Another College

1sts 2nds

RFH RFH

1sts

Kings

1sts 1sts

1 3 2 10 22

1sts

1

I C L a d i e s have r e a c h e d the U A U s e m i - f i n a l s after S w a n s e a c o n c e e d e d their q u a t e r final a g a i n s t IC. T h i s puts IC in the s e m i final o n 2 2 n d F e b r u a r y at Y o r k U n i v e r s i t y .

Friday 31 January

s e c o n d half but t h i s n e v e r materialised due to a s o u n d all r o u n d t e a m effort w i t h keeper N i c k T a r n never tested. IC c o m p l e t e d the s c o r i n g late in t h e g a m e w h e n D a v e L y n n e h e l d off s e v e r a l c h a l l e n g e s in c r e a t i n g a n o p e n i n g for himself, s h o o t i n g past the stranded K Q C keeper.

I

Cricket T h e nets lists h a v e g o n e u p o u t s i d e the J C R . T h e y are in t h e g l a s s c a b i n e t n e x t to all t h e S T A flight n e w s ( e n d nearest the b o o k s h o p ) .

A n y o n e w i s h i n g to p l a y c r i c k e t c a n s i g n u p for not more than two s e s s i o n s between T u e s d a y 4/2 and t h e e n d of t e r m . T h e nets a r e at L o r d s f r o m 8 - 9 p m .

Whites and training shoes must be w o r n .

T h e cricket club entertainments present a s o c i a l e v e n i n g in t h e W e s t End on Friday 7 February.

M e e t in S o u t h s i d e b e t w e e n 5.30 a n d 7 . 3 0 p m w h e n c e f o r t h travel wil l be e i t h e r tube or bus. T h e evening wil l c o m p r i s e of a visit to a c o u p l e of l o c a l H o s t e l r i e s f o l l o w e d by e x p l o r i n g t h e d e l i g h t s of C h i n e s e C u i s i n e and other local entertainment. All cricket players, c l u b m e m b e r s are w e l c o m e . Y o u s h o u l d all h a v e r e c e i v e d a n o t e to t h e a b o v e effect f r o m R o g e r W i l s o n , c l u b c a p t a i n . In c a s e of d i f f i c u l t y h e c a n b e c o n t a c t e d o n Int 6 2 8 9 .

Guilds Rugby T h e s e w i l l b e h e l d at Harlington on S u n d a y 9 F e b r u a r y . T e a m s of 7 p l u s 1 a r e r e q u i r e d of w h i c h o n l y o n e p l a y e r m a y be a non-Guildsman. When you have a team together p l e a s e c a n y o u s i g n u p in t h e G u i l d s o f f i c e . If y o u a r e s h o r t of t h e o d d p l a y e r p l e a s e just let m e k n o w a n d I wil l try a n d f i n d t h e e x t r a .

T h i s e v e n t is m e a n t to b e fun and the s t a n d a r d varies e n o r m o u s l y s o d o not b e a f r a i d t h a t e v e r y o n e w i l l be too g o o d , they generally aren't. O n l y t h e o d d o n e o r two.

T h e r e wil l b e p r i z e s f o r t h e w i n n e r s . T h e b a r w i l l be o p e n at H a r l i n g t o n a n d f o o d wil l a l s o b e a v a i l a b l e .

C o a c h e s will leave from B e i t at 11 o - c l o c k s o c o m e o n and get y o u r t e a m together.

13

r s

1900h Sherfield Quiet Room The Cornflake Shop All w e l c o m e to listen to m u s i c at its best. X e r x e s , L i n n , Nairn....

A d m i s s i o n free.

SOUTHSIDE BAR Additions

DISCO

1000h Beit Arch Cycling Club W e e k l y R u n Tuesday

1845h Mech Eng Foyer Cricket Nets Whites a n d training s h o e s required.

2130h The Lounge The Igloo Club: I C E present the reincarnation party—melt down

imwm 1245h JCR Chinese Chess W e i - Q i a n d X i a n g - Q i also k n o w n as G o h in J a p a n e s e . B e g i n n e r s welcome.

1800h

Trip to Nairn Audio C o m e to A u d i o S o c meeting T u e s d a y l u n c h t i m e or e v e n i n g for details.

1300h Huxley 213 Bishop Of Durham Rt Rev David J e n k i n s c o m e s to IC to talk. G o a n d listen to one of Britain's most c o n t r o v e r s i a l churchmen.

1400h 1300h TV Lounges STOIC T h e wit a n d h u m o u r of D a m e E d n a Everage in a specia l guest interview Maths 340 Nonlinear Optics a M O P S O C lecture by Prof G e o f f N e w .

1800h TV Lounges STOIC T h e wit a n d h u m o u r of D a m e E d n a E v e r a g e in a s p e c i a l guest interview Union SCR Australian Wines T h e ' a p p l i a n c e of s c i e n c e ' helps make these w i n e s f r o m d o w n unde r so g o o d . T r y them for yourself. A d m i s s i o n £3 for m e m b e r s a n d £4 for n o n members.

Beit Arch Cycling Club short afternoon ride

1430h Storeroom Dramsoc Workshop

1900h Graffitti Room Graffitti Demo of T-shirt printing

Mon 3rd Feb CASTLEMAINE XXXX 50p/pint Deletions Thursday Chinese Chess's Thursday l u n c h t i m e meeting.

Contact Week IMPERIAL C O L L E G E L u n c h t i m e e v e n t s d u r i n g C o n t a c t W e e k at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e t a k e t h e f o r m of W O R K S H O P S o n a n u m b e r of d i f f e r e n t t h e m e s . T h e w o r k s h o p s e a c h last f o r two lunchtimes.

W o r k s h o p s run o n M o n d a y / T u e s d a y ( 3 r d a n d 4th F e b ) a n d T h u r s d a y / F r i d a y (6th a n d 7 t h ) .

T h e w o r k s h o p s e a c h run t w i c e , o n c e at t h e b e g i n n i n g of t h e w e e k a n d o n c e at t h e e n d , s o y o u ' l l b e a b l e to g o to a n y t w o w o r k s h o p s of y o u r c h o i c e , in a n y o r d e r . L u n c h w i l l b e p r o v i d e d at a n o m i c a l c h a r g e at all w o r k s h o p s .

The workshop titles and nominal themes are:'How to win friends and'-Personal Relationships (Physics 737) 'All I want to know is Christ' ( C h e m E n g 252) ' G o d so loved the world'-Being a Christian in the world. ( H u x l e y 410) 'All Scripture is given'-How do we study the Bible? ( H u x l e y 413) (Aero Eng 'Living from within: Prayer and meditation'.

E452) 'Being a Christian in the local community.' ( H u x l e y 540) 'Who is my neighbour?' ( H u x l e y 642) On Wednesday at More House P e a c e G r o u p at 8 p m w i t h F r T o m C u l l i n a n .

1300h TV Lounges STOIC Newsbreak with the latest C o l l e g e and C i t y news and s p e c i a l features.

1800h TV Lounges STOIC Newsbreak with the latest C o l l e g e and C i t y n e w s a n d s p e c i a l features.

1900h 999KHz IC Roundtable with C a t h y Tait, J u d i t h H a c k n e y a n d A n d y C a v e c o m p l a i n about this week's latest releases.

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4th Birthday Party DISCO Bitter from 50p/pint Lager from 50p/pint Plus food and videos Fancy dress optional

1230h Southside Upper Lounge Cycling Club Meeting to d e c i d e where to g o on Sunday.

All Day 1240h

Sat 1st Feb

Thursday

More House, 53 Cromwell Road Mass and talk. T h i s week Delia Smith talks about 'Prayer In O u r Daily Lives'.

Elec Eng 403A Alternative Energy Policy a talk by Dave Elliott of O p e n University Network F o r Alternative T e c h n o l o g y a n d T e c h n o l o g y A s s e s m e n t , all welcome.

Fri 31st Jan

Sunday

Sunday Services; Anglican/Methodist Eucharist 10am G r o u n d F l o o r Sherfield B u i l d i n g Imperial C o l l e g e .

R C Mass 6 p m at M o r e H o u s e , 5 3 C r o m w e l l R o a d S W 7 Sat 1st Opening Service R e v T o m S m a i l , 7 . 3 0 p m I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e P h y s i c s 8th F l o o r C o m n r f o n r o o m (or M o r e H o u s e at 7pm) Sun 2nd Delia Smith 7 . 4 5 p m at M o r e H o u s e Tues 4th Prof J o h n Marshall (a M e m b e r of t h e W a r n o c k C o m m i t t e e ) S p e a k i n g o n the E t h i c s of t h e W a r n o c k R e p o r t 6pm S C R Reynolds Building Charing Cross and Westminster M e d i c a l S c h o o l (or m e e t at M o r e H o u s e at 5 p m ) Wed 5th Rt Rev David Jenkins (the B i s h o p of D u r h a m ) I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e , H u x l e y r o o m 2 1 3 at 1 p m (or m e e t at M o r e H o u s e at 12.40) Fri 7th Closing Service a n d p a r t y at M o r e H o u s e at 7 p m

Friday 31 January

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Some people's idea of the word 'alternative' is to play Scrabble with Chamber's 20th Century Dictionary.

These inhabitants of the edge of existence occasionally score 20 with the obscure word Kea'; according to Chamber's, "a species of New Zealand parrot which sometimes kills sheep"—not always, just sometimes. This is just as well, since a plague of blood-crazed, myopic avians picking off anyone in a C & A sweater with reckless abandon would not be expected to boost the Antipodean tourist industry—not to mention putting a dent in C & A ' s share prices. But as it could be regarded as being a welcome fate for 90% of their jerseys it could catch on as a new concept in biological control. A s long as Terence Conran doesn't start buying large chunks of Australasia you're safe.

Such admirable taste in clothing is probably displayed by the legendary Half Man, Half Biscuit' (well they don't like Nerys Hughes anyway) as they describe life 'Back In T he D H S S ' at the Bull & Gate in Kentish Town on Tuesday and Wednesday. They were described by J o h n Peel as "the best thing since Viv Stanshall wrote for the Bonzo Dog Band."

However he also described 'Los Butto Banditos — the notorious gay Bolivian Country & Western Salsa band, who swapped nose flutes for tracheostomy

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tubes claiming they give a fruitier sound—in much the same way. Both gigs start at 7:30pm and cost just three quid a time. T he Bull & Gate itself can be found in Kentish Town Road, just 50 yards up the road from Kentish Town tube.

"Old hippies never die, they just go on tour," is one of the quotes from the Face Companion T o Things Paul Morley Never Said But Might Have Given Half A C h a n c e , published this week. Coincidentally it also describes the band Haze, made infamous by their mole fetish , who are playing the Ruskin Arms in East Ham on Sunday at 8:30pm. The gig is entirely free.

Not a million miles away is the Mean Fiddler near Willesden Junction (alright, so it's on the other side of L o n d o n , but it's not a million miles unless Mark Thatcher happens to be driving). Programmed by Mike Stock and Pete Waterman, and let loose in a sequined Big-Bin liner—Divine rolls in for a more against the wall than off it performance. It costs a blue one, starts at nine and doesn't finish until two.

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With falling gates, most football clubs would give a squad's worth of arms and legs for Cabinet Ministers to resign over which foreign consortium of Sardine Trifle manufacturers buys them out—it might even start a new game by the name of headball. Chelsea, itself, has undergone something of a resurgence in form (or should that read just surgence?). Unfortunately the gates have not quite reflected this. Perhaps it is just the possibility of having a bicycle chain become a new item of personal jewellery, or the endless stops in the play that make football not the most enticing of spectator events; being somewhere between a bit part in Deathwish III and watching the tide come in at Maidenhead.

Fear not. Hugh assures me that Saturday's game against Leicester will be 'shit hot'. I feel I can't comment on the thermodynamic properties of excrement—perhaps those people around college who keep on eating the stuff can tell y o u . All I can do is recommend you to go down and watch the match: It starts at 3:00pm, and can be found on the Fulham Road just past St Stephen's Hospital.

Remember Morph, the psychotic plasticene bloke with a pet clothesbrush?

Well he's alive and well, and suffering a nervous breakdown at this moment.

He seems to have poured out his entire life story to Ken Kiff who then converted it into a series of paintings on show at the Serpentine Gallery just across the road.

In fact that was all lies, but it gives you an idea of what to expect. Ken Kiff's nightmare people flood across his paintings, defecating and melting. In a sort of visual O ' C a s e y play, the men are portrayed as warped and twisted while the women are given a rather kinder image, if a little purple around the edges.

If you're bored with the usual old galleries, fed up with re-runs of old Francis Bacon polytychs at the Tate, tired of endless scenes of Dutch people ice-skating everywhere at the National, and generally sick to death of paying two quid just to get totally lost in the Royal A c a d e m y then it might be an idea to try the galleries dotted around the Green Park area. For some reason private art galleries seem to breed around here—it may not be long before the area is overrun by hordes of marauding art dealers mowing down IBM salemen in their Porsches.

Here's a list of some of the more representative venues:

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A n n e Berthoud 1st floor, 10 Clifford St. Anthony d'Offay 9 Dering St. Marlborough 6 Albermale St. Nigel Greenwood 4 New Burlington St. Waddington 2,4 & 34 Cork St. Nicola J a c o b s (9 Cork St) is also showing works

by Ken Kiff, this time illustrations for the 1977 book 'Folk Tales of the British Isles'.

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See the Sun story Leather Bondage Romp With S e x - C h a n g e Vicar In Cabinet Minister A n d Nude Mole Scandal

Friday 31 January

15

e

'Much More Generous' B r i t a i n is m u c h m o r e g e n e r o u s ' to its s t u d e n t s than other developed countries, Sir Keith J o s e p h t o l d M P s last w e e k .

In r e s p o n s e to g r o w i n g a n g e r at t h e a n n o u n c e d 2 % rise in g r a n t s f o r 1 9 8 6 / 8 7 a n d t h e t h r e a t e n e d l o s s of welfare benefits, he q u o t e d f i g u r e s p r o d u c e d by U N E S C O , comparing amounts given out by seven countries as grants or l o a n s for s t u d e n t support. T h e statistics s h o w that B r i t i a n p a y s s i g n i f i c a n t l y m o r e (£1367 per full-time student) than any other country o n the list, r a n g i n g f r o m H o l l a n d (£281) a n d t h e U S A (£104) to p r a c t i c a l l y n o m o n e y h a n d e d out by the J a p a n e s e g o v e r n m e n t for student support. A l s o mentioned w a s the p e r c e n t a g e of G N P s p e n t on student support.This varied from 0.25% (Britain) to 0 % ( J a p a n ) . T h e s e figures, however, date from

1982 at t h e latest.

N U S Vice-President Welfare, Vicky Phillips, a g r e e d that in m a n y w a y s the British s y s t e m w a s relatively g e n e r o u s , but m a d e t h e p o i n t that ' T h i s is s o m e t h i n g to b e p r o u d of rather t h a n a n e x c u s e t o g o r o u n d c h o p p i n g bits off it.'

L e a d e r s of t h e N U S h a v e for t h e first t i m e b e e n granted a meeting with a minister from the D e p a r t m e n t of H e a l t h a n d Social Security, Mr Tony N e w t o n , to d i s c u s s t h e l a c k of b e n e f i t s . P r e v i o u s t a l k s h a d b e e n w i t h m i n i s t e r s of the D e p a r t m e n t of Education and Science, a n d h a d b e e n r e s t r i c t e d to the i s s u e of g r a n t s regulations. T h e N U S has planned protests against w h a t it s e e s a s G o v e r n m e n t policy c h a n g e s w h i c h have not b e e n fully d e b a t e d , a n d w a r n e d that p a r e n t s of present a n d prospective students are being antagonised.

What Future

n r T h e C o m i t t e e of V i c e Chancellors and Principals a n d t h e C o m m i t t e e of D i r e c t o r s of P o l y t e c h n i c s have p r o d u c e d formal responses to the Government's Green Paper on higher education, expressing deep opposition to t h e d o c u m e n t . B o t h c o m m i t t e e s c l a i m that t h e Green Paper takes no a c c o u n t w h a t s o e v e r of t h e n e e d s of t h e n a t i o n in t h e n e x t fifteen y e a r s .

The Vice Chancellors' 'alternative' g r e e n p a p e r c o n t a i n s a w i d e r a n g e of grievances, from the Government's 'blinkered v i e w ' a n d f a i l u r e to r e a l i s e t h e s c a l e of t h e p r o b l e m s being faced,to the difficulty of r u n n i n g a u t o n o m o u s universities while ministerial a n d departmental intervention increases. T h e paper points out that if f u n d i n g is c u t b e l o w a c e r t a i n level t h e q u a l i t y of t h e u n i v e r s i t i e s ' w o r k will d e c l i n e . It a l s o criticises the Government's judgement on many issues, for e x a m p l e t h e r a i s i n g of fees f o r f o r e i g n s t u d e n t s .

A n o t h e r item of c o n c e r n w a s t h e l o w s a l a r y level in u n i v e r s i t i e s w h i c h l e a d s to p r o b l e m s of s t a f f i n g a n d morale. T h e paper defends students' behaviour a n d rights, a g a i n s t a d v e r s e c o m m e n t s in t h e G r e e n Paper.

k e W h a t f u t u r e c a n t h e r e be for a country w h i c h won't invest in t o m o r r o w ? ' w a s t h e q u e s t i o n a s k e d of o v e r 5000 H a r r o d s s h o p p e r s w h o w e r e g i v e n leaflets by IC d e m o n s t ; a t o r s last F r i d a y . A r o u n d 30 s t u d e n t s , including I C U Deputy President Dave Kingston, attended the lunchtime protest, w h i c h w a s o r g a n i s e d by E x t e r n a l Affairs Officer Grenville Manuel.

T h e leaflets cited t he cuts in l e c t u r e r s p a y a n d s t u d e n t 16

g r a n t s o v e r t h e last s i x y e a r s and attacked the G o v e r n m e n t s ' p r o p o s a l s to prevent students from c l a i m i n g c e r t a i n b e n e f i t s . It w a s s t r e s s e d that m o n e y spent on higher education is a n i n v e s t m e n t , e s s e n t i a l for t h e c o u n t r y ' s f u t u r e prosperity.

M r M a n u e l later described the demonstration as a 'general s u c c e s s ' , a d d i n g that it h a d b e e n very g o o d h u m o u r e d a n d that t h e r e h a d b e e n n o trouble from the police.

T h e C B I is r u n n i n g a c o m p e t i t i o n to f i n d '21 twenty-one year olds with a s t r o n g p o i n t of v i e w o n h o w to put t h e U K b a c k o n t r a c k to t h e t o p ' .

P e o p l e w h o will b e 21 this y e a r a r e b e i n g a s k e d t o w r i t e 1000 w o r d s a b o u t t h e direction British industry s h o u l d b e g o i n g i n . 21 r e g i o n a l w i n n e r s will b e s e l e c t e d a n d e a c h wil l r e c e i v e £500. A n o v e r a l l w i n n e r will t h e n be s e l e c t e d w h o will w i n £5000. E n t r y forms are available from a n y b r a n c h of L l o y d ' s Bank.

Friday 31 January

s e H o l d e r s of t h e Y o u n g P e r s o n s R a i l c a r d will b e a b l e t o g e t u p to 8 0 % discounts o n 'Saver' fares as f r o m t o m o r r o w . B r i t i s h Rail have i n t r o d u c e d an offer d e s i g n e d t o i n c r e a s e b u s i n e s s in a t r a d i t i o n a l l y slack period.

Under the 'Fabulous F e b r u a r y F a r e ' offer, ' S a v e r ' tickets which usually cost u p to £ 2 0 wil l b e a v a i l a b l e at £4, t h o s e u p to £ 4 0 wil l be r e d u c e d to £8 a n d any o v e r £ 4 0 will c o s t £12. L o w p r i c e t i c k e t s wil l b e o n s a l e e v e r y d a y in F e b r u a r y , e x c e p t b e t w e e n 1200 a n d 2000 on Fridays.

F r o m S u n d a y , B R is a l s o r e d u c i n g the c h a r g e for carriage reservations o n i n t e r c i t y 125 t r a i n s to £ 3 , a n d m a k i n g m o r e 125's a v a i l a b l e w i t h this f a c i l i t y .

Extra benefits are p r o m i s e d in M a y .

e e The National AntiVivisection Society has l a u n c h e d a 'Violence Free Science' campaign. The c a m p a i g n a i m s to s e c u r e for s t u d e n t s t h e right t o c h o o s e whether they p a r t i c i p a t e in d i s s e c t i o n and vivisection. T h e campaign's organiser, Lorraine Walker, explained that m a n y s t u d e n t s w e r e worried about the e x p e r i m e n t s they were b e i n g f o r c e d to p e r f o r m . A t present many students are p e n a l i s e d if t h e y r e f u s e t o t a k e part in e x p e r i m e n t s o n live a n i m a l s .

d p High J u m p e r Geoff Parsons broke the U K outdoor r e c o r d b y 4 c m last S a t u r d a y w h e n he c l e a r e d 2.30 m e t r e s in t h e P e a r l A s s u r a n c e National Indoor C h a m p i o n s h i p s at C o s f o r d .

Mr Parsons, a second year s t u d e n t in M i n e r a l Resources Engineering, w e n t o n to a t t e m p t a w o r l d r e c o r d of 2.40 m e t r e s a n d o n l y n a r r o w l y f a i l e d to c l e a r t h e b a r at this h e i g h t .

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