FELIX
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s This years examinations have been cancelled after the discovery of p r i n t i n g errors i n e x a m i n a t i o n papers last week. The College say that it is now too late and too costly to peprint the papers, but academics hope to be able to make a fair assessment of students' performances from course w o r k . printing mix-up was I he d i s c o v e r e d on T u e s d a y w h e n Mechanical Engineering students complained that they were unable to answer anv of the questions on their Stress Analysis paper. Later in the day, Physics students sitting th e i r s e c o n d vear Q u a n t u m Mechanics exam claimed that the paper was unaturallv easy. Investigations by e x t e r n a l examiners revealed that, o w i n g to
e r r o r s m a d e at t h e p r i n t i n g c o m p a n y , s t u d e n t s h a d been mistakenly handed the plans for a lapanese l a w n mower. P r o f e s s o r Eric L a i t h w a i t e of Electrical Engineering admitted that he w a s 'baffled' w h e n students asked h i m whether part M Z 3 7 should slot into part CR251 or screw into P Q R I . \ltbough examination papers thro ugho u t College have been w i t h d r a w n , academics have denied allegations that other departments have been affected. But a source in Budget Printing Limited has admitted that the Bioiogv e x a m i n a t i o n h a d been mistakenly replaced by extracts from First A m o n g Sequels , the latest book by Jefferv Archer.
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Invigilators first noticed something was wrong w h e n half of the students fell asleep d u r i n g the exam a l t h o u g h F E L I X D e p u t y I ditor, Chas Brereton later told r e p o r t e r s that h e f o u n d t h e examination 'quite interesting.' The source also admitted that the company had accidentlv printed third vear mathematics papers which made sense. A spokesman from the Computing Department denied that there had been anv mistakes w i t h their exams and claimed that 'the liveware had interacted logically with the paperware with no obvious signs ot svstem b r e a k d o w n . ' The Rector, Professor Eric A s h , was reported to be looking for someone to blame.
T h e U n i o n Staff became overnight T V personalities w h e n they appeared o n U n i v e r s i t y C h a l l e n g e , facing A b e r y s t w y t h Polytechnic's N e e d l e w o r k Department. I n a close and hard-fought contest IC scored 130 points to Bangor's 135 to reach o v e r a l l last place, setting a n e w record of the overall lowest score ever achieved i n U n i v e r s i t y challenge. Ian M o r r i s was said to be ' d i s p l e a s e d ' w i t h the result. H i s b o d y was later discovered by Police, after he had shot a l l the other teams, several police officers, Bamber Gascoigne and f i n a l l y h i m s e l f . N i g e l Baker said, ' W e are sorry to see W e n d y go but this may i m p r o v e our chances for next year.'
ISSUE
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s l Concern is m o u n t i n g over the health of six m e m b e r s of the Chinese Society at the end of their one week 'eat i n ' i n the U n i o n Snack Bar. Four of the students were taken into intensive care on Friday after suffering chronic m a l n u tr i ti o n a n d food p o i s o n i n g d u r i n g their week Jong gesture of solidarity w i t h s t u d e n t s o n h u n g e r strike i n Peeking. FELIX Deputy Editor Chas Brereton said that he w a s 'very concerned' by the incident a n d said that the U n i o n w o u l d take every step possible to assist C h i n e s e Society in their fight against political opression in C h i n a . I le added ' N o one can accuse us of being an uncaring U n i o n . 1 w i l l be delivering pot noodles to the students i n hospital and s haking their hands personally. O f f the record, it will be a great photo opportunity.' Two of the students, L i W o n g a n d I len Fong were well enough to speak to F E L I X yesterday. 'We lived o n a diet of lentils a n d bread p u d d i n g for six days because we angry at the intransigence of the Chinese G o v e r n m e n t . ' said M r Wong. But whilst the 'eat i n ' has been seen as a great political gesture by the student body, it has renewed fears w i t h i n the U n i o n Office that portion sizes in the U n i o n Snack bar max still be too large. Speaking by live satellite from his • acht in the Bahamas yesterday, c n i o n Finance Officer, Reginald Bohemia, said that p o r t i o n sizes were costed o n the basis that students eating there full time would be seriously emaciated within three da\ -. "The Chinese student's protest has revealed serious deficiencies in our portion control management. We have been practically gi v i n g food awa'v' he said
27 MAY
9
l s or to forget to print letters by f r o m E m m m a n n n u e l l Sararadakakiss. I cannot see w h y , w h e n y o u easily manage to forget clubs articles by Dear Nigel Roger Davies, y o u claim not to be O k a y , I admit it, I a m a figment able t o lose l e t t e r s f r o m M r of the deranged imagination of a; Saradakadakis. F E L I X hack, w h o , i n a moment of This is a disgraceful situation, and stress, dreamt me u p i n an attempt unless y o u co-operate immediately, to fill u p a n e m p t y space that I w i l l write to the A y a t o l l a h asking s u d d e n l y d r o p p e d through a freak h i m to have y o u c o n d e m n e d to w o r m h o l e i n space a n d landed i n death. the F E L I X Office. You rs, I really d o not exist, therefore this Alistair Goodall and any further letters p u r p o r t i n g to come from me are merely caused by temporal resonances f r o m the original w o r m h o l e . Yours Dear Nigel, Dylan James S o m e t h i n g strange h a s just
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d Dear Nigel, I a m shocked, d i s m a y e d a n d disgusted by your continued deliberate policy of refusing to lose
occurred to m e , if S i d n e y H a r b o u r - B r i d g e hates Imperial as m u c h as he says he does, w h y has he stayed here for six years? C o u l d s o m e b o d y please e x p l a i n th i s interesting paradox to me. Yours Extremely puzzled
s White runs off into a nearby forest and sneaks into an abandoned sort of holiday chalet like a log cabin sort of t h i n g . T h e n there's this bit i n v o l v i n g lots of animals, seven dwarvic m e n , a n d a very h a p p y l o o k i n g S n o w W h i t e . I think at this M e a n d m y mates went to see this point that I should mention that she f i l m after a night out o n the t o w n . is a rather tasty 32:22:32, w h i c h , A c t u a l l y w e w a n t e d to see '3000 although meagre for m y tastes, is V i r g i n s ' , w h i c h w a s o n at the quite pleasingly c u r v y . C i n e m a next door but the Manager N o w this queen is a nasty piece took offence w h e n we h u m o r o u s l y of w o r k ; as bent as a two bob note questioned h i s sexuality. S o w e and a w i t c h to top it all off. A n d she went to see this ' S n o w W h i t e ' thing. looks like one. W e l l , this tart decides W e l l to summarise th e p l o t : to b u m p little S n o w y off, and this there's this good looking bird called w i t c h is dead sneeky about it. ' S n o w W h i t e ' w h o lives i n some First she gets this apple w h i c h is castle or the other, a bit like the one half red a n d half green, polishes it in 'Frankenstein a n d the Castle of up nicely, then as a f i n i s h i n g touch D e a t h ' . This castle is r u n by some poisons the red half. Q u e e n (a real one this time unlike N o w , this ponsey Prince arrives, the manager) w h o spends half her who does nothing for the storyline. time talking to the bloody mirror. Bit H e kisses the ' d e a d ' S n o w White; nuts, if y o u ask me. F u n n y thing is, g u e s s t h i s g u y m u s t be a that the mirror talks back. N o w if I necrophiliac. Bet he's a bit shocked had a talking mirror I'd sell it off w h e n she wakes u p and tongues pretty d a m n quick, but all the queen h i m back. M i n d y o u , I bet he's not seems to do is ask it ' W h o ' s the at all pissed off; w h o w o u l d be. fairest of ' e m a l l ' or something like They fall in love straight away, must that. N o w its hardly surprising that be a good kisser this Prince, and she the mirror eventually geto rides off on the back of his horse. and tells her of this S n o w W h i t t r alto! I think she s h o u l d have w h o ' s a hell of a lot hornier than she siu, forest wnere there was is. at least t h e ^ . seduel what 0
N o w , I was a bit d r u n k a n d I wasn't totally following the plot. But as far as I can remember, S n o w
Page 7
M y w e e k spent a s FELIX Editor w a s a very enlightening and r e v e a l i n g e x p e r i e n c e . O f all t h e t h i n g s w h i c h s t r u c k m e t h i s week, none w a s more surprising than the ease with w h i c h s u c h a large publication c o u l d b e put together. It i s q u i t e a p p a r e n t t h a t t h e F E L I X e d i t o r i s v e r y m u c h u n d e r - w o r k e d . T a k e this edition o fF E L I X f o re x a m p l e ; it was put together from scratch in only three hours. I f o u n d myself asking w h y the FELIX Editor shouldn't b e given m o r e o f t h e U n i o n Office responsibilities t o relieve us U n i o n Sabbaticals o fo u ro v e r p o w e r i n g l y h e a v y w o r k l o a d . Is t h e r e a n y r e a s o n w h y h e o r s h e s h o u l d n o t b e m a d e responsible for cleaning t h efloor o f t h e Union Office a n d m a k i n g t h e U n i o n staff t e a a n d coffee? Yet, whilst M r G o o d w i n goes t o great pains t o point out h o w o v e r w o r k e d h e is, h e p e r s i s t e n t l y a b u s e s F E L I X fo r his o w n ends. T a k e last w e e k s story alledging r e d u c e d p o r t i o n s i z e s i n t h e C a t e r p i l l a r C a f e . It w a s c o m p l e t e l y fabricated! Infact I have arranged f o rportion sizes t o b e doubled, a n d I a mpaying f o r this O U T O F M Y O W N POCKET! N o t o n l y this, h eh a s b l a t e n t l y p r i n t e d d e f a m a t o r y lies a b o u t m y s e l f i no r d e r t o t u r n e v e r y o n e else i n C o l l e g e a g a i n s t m e . A n d h eh a s s u c c e e d e d . Isn't it a b o u t t i m e that t h e U n i o n t o o k editorial control o f F E L I X t o p r e v e n t t h e s e lies b e i n g p e r p e t r a t e d a n y f u r t h e r ? It i s o b v i o u s t h a t a l l F E L I X E d i t o r s a r e C O M P L E T E L Y D E R A N G E D and that only a person with intelligence e n o u g h to take u p t h e h e a v y b u r d e n o fU n i o n P r e s i d e n c y s h o u l d be allowed t odecide what should b e printed in FELIX. M r G o o d w i n is n o t only a b a d F E L I X editor, h e is d o w n r i g h t c o r r u p t . It i s c o m m o n k n o w l e d g e t h a t M r G o o d w i n is am e m b e r o f the F r e e m a s o n s , but less widely k n o w n is t h efact that h e b u y s p a p e r a tt w i c e its n o r m a l price a s part o fa s h a d y M a s o n i c d e a l w i t h a local g r a n d master. N o t only this, b u th e gives a free p h o t o c o p y i n g service f o rp e o p l e w i t h f u n n y h a n d s h a k e s . But M rG o o d w i n h a s n o t stopped there. Driven b ya n i n s a n e h a t r e d o f t h e Irish, h e h a sp e r s i s t e n t l y persecuted a n y o n e h e s u s p e c t s o f h a v i n g Irish A n c e s t r y a n d h a s charged t h e m double f o rp h o t o c o p y i n g . Just look a t t h e w a y h e h a s t r e a t e d E m m a n u a l S a r a d i k i s ; h e h a s p r i n t e d all of his letters thus m a k i n g t h e m a n look a c o m p l e t e fool. F i n a l l y , I s h o u l d m a k e it c l e a r t h a t M r G o o d w i n i s a p e r v e r t w h o only w a s h e s o n c e a m o n t h , never c h a n g e s his s o c k s , is b a l d a n d w e a r s a w i g . s T h a n k s firstly t o m y s e l f f o r p r o d u c i n g s u c h a superior edition o f FELIX, S e z Wilkinson f o r groveling a tm y feet, D a v e S m e d l e y f o rb o o s t i n g m y e g o , D o u g K i n g f o r d o i n g all t h e m e n i a l j o b s w h i c h w e r e b e n e a t h m e , A d a m H a r r i n g t o n f o r s w e e p i n g t h e floor, R o s e a n dD e a n w h o don't really d e s e r v e t h a n k s a s they a r epaid t o b e here, a n d all t h e c l u b s w h o s e b u d g e t I t h r e a t e n e d t o c u t if t h e y d i d not help collate.
w i t h the possibility u dwarvic sex. That w o u l d be beuc. than '3000 v i r g i n s ' anyday.
FELIX
M a y 26
1989
m d The edited highlights of previous opinion articles by the Mislamic society.
Let me begin by clarifying that Prophets w h o appeared at different times a n d places, t h o u g h not simultaneously. A l l propogated the same faith, but not i n the same way and by using different means. These alien elements were eliminated by G o d and M i s l a m i n its pure a n d original form. Indeed the propogations w h i c h were thus propagated have been i m p r o p e r l y presented b y the protagonists of prophecy, (iii) This original message was corrupted a n d split into various meta-religions by people of different ages; some were 36, whilst others were almost 37. These people (peace be u p o n t h e m ) i n d u l d g e d i n interpolations a n d admixture, (iv) Porridge (i) The life of M o t o r h e a d and the manor i n w h i c h he c o n d u c t e d h i m s e l f w a s also recorded in a unique manor by his companions (peace be u p o n them) and by later compilers of the Tradition. A more complete a n d authentic account of life has never
g s Imperial College K a z o o Orchestra w i l l be h o l d i n g a recital of G e r m a n D r i n k i n g songs o n December 25. Included in the repetoire will be 'get vour kit off darling', and the highly acclaimed ' G i v e us another pint or I'll kick vour teeth in farty breath.' Both pieces were composed by the emminent kazoo Virtuoso K a r l v o n Tippex. A l s o featured w i l l be the H u n g a r i a n Folk M u s i c ensemble w h o will be playing a selection of M o t o r h e a d classics especially arranged for the kazoo by P h i l Spector. Tickets for the event cost 12 rupees each a n d can be obtained f r o m Bartholemew H e p t o n - W i d d l y M a n C o n 3.
mixture
g O u r e v e n i n g of cough mixture tasting certainly proved popular with over 20 people attending intact it was a real wheeze. A s y o u
Ma>
26 1989
s been c o m p i l e d . H o w is this knowlege conveyed? Not through the operations of some publishing house. A t the preliminary stage we gain knowlege through empirical observation of W a l t D i s n e y cartoons. M i c k e y M o u s e (peace be u p o n him) has been seen by many people to be a prophet, but does not actually appear in the holv book of Z o d . This does not make h i m a n y less a prophet than D y l a n James (cow d u n g be u p o n h i m ) .
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(ix) H e is m a n ' s single diety. T o associate anyone in H i s w o r s h i p is as greater s i n as it is an act of infidelity. N o t to ask of h i m is sensless arrogance. To seek of h i m , and also of others is to associate equals w i t h h i m . So in conclusion there can be no greater i n s t r u m e n t of m o r a l reformation nor anv better method to help m a n develop a s o u n d a n d stable character than anything other than this pile of platypus droppings (peace be u p o n them). Caught i n the act! F E L I X photographers snapped C o u n c i l C h a i r m a n N e i l M c C l u s k ey sneaking into a seedy L o n d o n house of ill-repute-. M r M c C l u s k e y was so embarrassed w h e n his cover was b l o w n that he quickly covered his head w i t h a b r o w n paper bag. What w i l l naughty N e i l get u p to next?
PS. If you don't print this article in full we will execute you and burn down the FELIX office.
mav be aware, we have a number of cough mixtures on special offer this week. T o p of the list are Nightnurse cold remedy, Benelin (a fine bouquet and good u p front), and V e n o ' s cough linctus w h i c h drinks well into the bottle. Don't forget our speaker meeting on January 12th w h e n M u c o i d S n e e z a l o t w i l l be t a l k i n g o n remedies for smokers c o u g h .
Weasel
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M e a n w h i l e g o o d news for o u r lobby of Parliament w h i c h is due to Mary take place next t e r m ; Whitehouse has agreed to present a talk on the morality of abortion o n d e m a n d for weasels. Happy weaseling.
Ind Soc
g i v i n g us a back h a n d e r a n d M i r g a r e t Thatcher w h o is more of a m a n than N e i l K i n n o c k w i l l ever be.
Bigots Soc
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This is a new body set up by popular d e m a n d from Islamic Soc, C o n S o c, S t u d e n t Socialist W o r k e r S o c , R S M U , Third World First and pretty well everyone else too immature to recognise that some other people may h o l d different o pinio ns from them. O u r aims will be to p u b l i s h W e l l kiddies, naughty F E L I X has regularly in FELIX biased and one been up to no good again. A s we all sided articles i n s u l t i n g to the k n o w , the club d i d not take its intelligence of the average student executive officers out to the Savoy (This has been done before but with for a ÂŁ25 per head slap u p meal. n o u n d e r l y i n g co-ordination). W e I loweyer, i n recognition for the w i l l also instigate long and purile hard work put in to the Careers Fair, arguments i n the F E L I X letters over 100,000 m a n hours, we took c o l u m n via missives of unparalleled out four students chosen at random narrow-mindedness and b o r e d o m . d o w n to Sainsbury's for a pot M e m b e r s h i p is open to anyone noodle. W h i c h reminds me, our who still has the mentality of a next visit will be a trip to a baked p l a y g r o u n d bully a n d w i t h o u r bean canning factory where w e exciting program of b o o k - b u r n i n g , should have f u n observing the Gay/jew/Leftv/Black bashing (delete oppressed w o r k i n g class sticking as appropriate) a n d h e c kl i n g of labels onto tin cans. Book earlv as speakers at debates we will have no places are limited. Finally I w o u l d shortage of members, especially at like to thank Nigel for t u r n i n g a such a bastion of arrogant selfblind eye, U n i t e d Sprockets for importance as I C !
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y Last week's weasel race was a great success. Thanks to t h e 10 contestants w h o e n t e r e d their weasels for this event. The clear winner was Jingle Bells, o w n e d and trained b v Dave Smedlev, closley followed bv Fiona Nicholas o w n e d and trained by N i g e l Baker. Commiserations are i n order for Basil the three legged weasel w h o was cheered o n bv the c r o w d as he staggered over the line only to be run over bv Clementine, the M i n e s Motororised Mascot. O u r next event will be a weasel pub crawl o n January 5th. Meet at the Ferret a n d Firkin at 8 p m .
FELIX
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Imperial College boat club stormed to victory i n the final leg of the Americas c u p series. w a s totally The victory unexpected by most sailing experts, w h o predicted that the multi million dollar A m e r i c a n yacht, w h i c h had seven hulls and a crew of ninetythree people, w o u l d w i n easily.
and s h o u l d be able to produce far more meaningless waffle d u r i n g a
future attempt, w h i c h is being scheduled for the S u m m e r .
T o p academics at Imperial have recently discovered a new group of particles, the existence of w h i c h has p r e v i o u s l y o n l y been i n f e r r e d . Extensive study of College lecture theatres and tutorials has proven b e y o n d doubt that both lecturers and problem sheets emit large of particles called numbers 'confusons.' These particles, w h i c h have a spin of m u minus transmit intense waves of confusion to any student struck by t h e m . It is surprising that these particles have not been discovered before as they are too be f o u n d in great abundance at IC. A n o t h e r particle i n the same family is the Borion, a particle which transmits boredom. If large numbers of B o r i o n s a n d c o n f u s o n s are confined, for example in a lecture theatre, they interact to produce an extremely powerful depressive field. This has the effect of w a r p i n g the time-subjectivity c o n t i n u u m , thus a l l o w i n g a one hour lecture to last for m u c h longer.
However, nobody had allowed for the I . C . team's secret w e a p o n . The I . C . c r e w c o n t a i n e d a l l three sabbaticals f r o m the U n i o n office, and at the start of the race they all stood at the back of the boat and speeches started making simultaneously. The huge quantities of hot air thus p r o d u c ed propelled the I . C . boat to a n easy victory, being timed at a m a x i m u m speed of three h u n d r e d and twenty seven m.p.h. U n i o n President N i g e l Baker later was asked to comment o n h a v i n g missed breaking the water speed record b y only 4.7 m . p . h . a n d .replied that he and his colleagues were not i n good form o n the day,
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Researchers have deduced that the m a x i m u m possible depressive f i e l d i n t e n s i t y , k n o w n as the Schwartzchild intensity w o u l d be capable of m a k i n g a one hour lecture last 37 hours. Strenuous attempts have been made to reach this barrier, particularly i n Mechanical Engineering lectures, but d u e to the l o g inverse square relationship between depressive The Rector, Professor Eric A s h field strength a n d particle stunned audiences with his the m a x i m u m concentration, performing budgerigars i n ' B o b subjective time dilation coefficient so Says O p p o r t u n i t y K n o c k s ' o n far reached is 36.9993, achieved in Friday. .i lubrication lecture. T he crowds were s t u n n e d into The discovery of the two particles silence as the Prof and his talented birds stole the s h o w a n d defying all has led to the postulation of two anti predictions gained the evening's particles of opposite s p i n , the interestion and the understandon. highest clapometer reading. The Rector w i l l be m a k i n g a Unfortuanately, i n c o m m o n with second appearance o n the s h o w m a n y other particle- anti particle next week w h e n he w i l l thrill the systems, the anti particles are nation w i t h his African Tree-frog incredibly rare.
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College Secretary, John S m i t h , has a n n o u n c e d his intention to retire after w i n n i n g 3.5 M i l l i o n pounds o n the Football Pools. M r . S m i t h , 22, told F E L I X : 'Its a m a z i n g : all I d i d was p u t d o w n eight crosses at random, exactly like m a r k i n g an exam paper. I ' m overjoyed' Sources i n Sherfield say that M r . S m i t h went to see the Rector, Eric A s h , immediately after learning of his w i n . Professor A s h has refused to tell F E L I X what had happened during the meeting but it is reported that the w o r d s ' F * * * O * * Eric, I can afford to leave n o w ' were heard by the entire fifth floor.
M r . S m i t h says that he w i l l be s p e n d i n g the money o n b u y i n g the government of a small Caribbean Island.
t Person or persons unknown gained entry to the FELIX office in the middle of the night this Thursday to produce a spoof edition of FELIX, called fido. A source interviewed i n the FELIX office said ' A jokes a joke, but to print something this boring goes beyond the bounds of satire.
Fido includes three pages of information copied from government leaflets about Poll Tax, a two page expose of future plans for the Bookshop (yawn), and a one page extract from a cookery book. Spare space has also b e e n filled w i t h large numbers of adverts.
impressions. T he College switchboard w a s j a m m e d w i t h desperate A & R reps f r o m C B S a n d E M I anxious to sign up a major n e w talent after last week's s h o w . Bob M o n k h o u s e told F E L I X that he was 'very very very h a p p y ' for the Rector. ' H e ' s a lovely, lovely m a n ' he a d d e d ' a n d he deserves every success i n life' The Rector refused to confirm or d e n y r u m o u r s yesterday w h e n F E L I X managed to get through the j am m ed switchboard to speak to h i m , that h e w a s c o n s i d e r i n g quitting academia for show-buisiness.
e W e have just heard that due to a computer error, M r . John S m i t h , was overpaid for his pools w i n . A spokesman for Littlewood's Pools told F E L I X : ' M r . Smith's original cheque has been invalidated and his new cheque for ÂŁ3.50 is to be posted on as soon as possible.' Sources i n Sherfield says that M r . Smith is n o w taking steps to placate the Rector and to get his job back. H e w a s last seen entering the Rector's Office carrying a can of boot polish a n d some h a n d cream.
F E L I X is p u b l i s h e d b y the E d i t o r for a n d o n behalf of I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e U n i o n P u b l i c a t i o n Board a n d is p r i n t e d b y the I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e U n i o n P r i n t U n i t , P r i n c e C o n s o r t R o a d , L o n d o n , S W 7 (
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