/1989_0841_A by Ravi Pall

The Editorial A very secret society Freedom of information a n d 'the right to k n o w ' is a subject w h i c h is close to the heart of every journalist. It is particularly close to the heart of British journalists because Britain is becoming too secretive for its o w n good. In the true spirit of pravda, the proposed changes to section t w o of the Official Secrets A c t w i l l restrict individuals 'right to k n o w ' w h i l s t proclaiming perestroika. Less widely proclaimed is the fact t h a t t h e act w i l l r e m o v e a n i n d i v i d u a l s right to claim to be acting i n the interests of the public w h e n accused of leaking 'sensitive' information. A n d , i n w h a t must be the ultimate a b s u r d i t y , it w i l l become illegel to repeat 'sensitive' information even if it has been published elsewhere and is c o m m o n knowledge. The Data Protection A c t is another case i n point. Ostensibly the act is designed to a l l o w individuals to access files of personal information stored about t h e m o n computer. I n practice, the act contains so m a n y loop holes a n d the Data Protection Registry is so short of p o w e r a n d resources that the act has become almost ineffectual. The Government computers are of course exempt f r o m the act. Every one remembers Peter Wrights problems w i t h Svycatcher. But the affair is only one of a series of media c l a m p d o w n s w h i c h began w i t h D u n c a n Campbells ' Z i r c o n satellite' programme banned f r o m the B B C despite the fact that it was based o n information w h i c h h a d already been p u b l i s h e d . The country's g r o w i n g paranoia and obsession w i t h secrecy is as unnecessary as it is unhealthy. I w o u l d not argue w i t h the claim that matters w h i c h are important to national security s h o u l d not be broadcast to p o t e n t i a l f o r e i g n e n e m i e s , b u t as i n v e s t a g a t i v e journalist Steve C o n n o r has pointed out i n an interview elsewhere i n this issue, there is a need for 'national security' to be properly defined; too often it is used as a blanket term to hide political embarrassment. Perhaps Britain ought to take a lesson from the U n i t e d States whose ' F r e e d o m of Information act' has p r o v e d that G o v e r n m e n t s d o not

collapse w h e n a country's citizens The U n i o n C o u n c i l t o o , is k n o w what the G o v e r n m e n t is u p b e c o m i n g m o r e of a c l o s e t to. organisation. Earlier i n the year a m o t i o n w a s submitted b y next year's president to the effect that the A very secret Union of Council's sub minutes Imperial College's o w n student committees s h o u l d not be circuited U n i o n w o u l d also d o w e l l to sit u p to members of C o u n c i l . The m o tion and take note of the 'Freedom of w a s o s t e n s i b l y t a b l e d o n t h e Information act.' grounds that this w o u l d reduce the O v e r the past tw o years it has length of C o u n c i l meetings a n d t e m p e r e d w i t h the c l a i m that embarked o n its o w n dangerous minutes w o u l d be available for c o u r s e of s e c r e c y a n d p r e s s reference i n the U n i o n Office. paranoia. A n d it has divorced itself further a n d further f r o m the In practice the changes have made students it represents. no difference to the length of The relationship between F E L I X C o u n c i l . W h a t they have done is and the U n i o n has been tenuous i n give next year's Executive carte the past, but the iron curtain w h i c h blanche to p u s h through any policy separated F E L I X a n d the U n i o n they see fit w i th o u t the rest of the Office i n the heat of last year n o w U n i o n being any the wiser. separates the U n i o n f r o m t h e It w o u l d be naive of us n o t to students. expect t h e m to exploit it. The U n i o n is becoming less of a A very dangerous press student organisation a n d more of a business. It is becoming obsessed w i t h money whilst forgetting that it A free media is very dangerous to s h o u l d be a service to the students. a U n i o n w h i c h w o u l d rather make O n a political level, the U n i o n its decisions behind closed doors. So seems to be drifting away f r o m its it w i l l come as no surprise to learn that F E L I X has been singled out roots. U n i o n General Meetings have from the Colleges other publications been very badly advertised this year and consequently very badly w i t h behind the scenes threats f r o m attended. Instead U G M s are rushed the U n i o n Office to attack the papers t h r o u g h as q u i c k l y as possible a n d editorial freedom. important issues are decided u p o n But as students are w e l l aware, by only a h a n d f u l of hacks. a n d as P r e s i d e n t N i g e l B a k e r The U n i o n ' s attitude w a s demonstrated w i t h F I D O , a paper s u m m e d u p by their failed attempt w h i c h is not editorially free is not to abolish U n i o n General M e e t i n g s w o r t h reading. altogether. H a d this gone ahead, A n d so the U n i o n have played o n p o w e r w o u l d have been centralised the FELIX Editors other role as Print w i t h the 30 people w h o regularly U n i t Manager. t u r n u p to U n i o n C o u n c i l s , a n d not At Monday's Council, a w i t h the student b o d y . seemingly innocuous policy w a s passed w h i c h again singled o u t The i r o n y is that people w i l l attend U G M s if they are told about F E L I X f r o m the other publications t h e m . F E L I X a n d I C Radio p r o v e d by insisting that the F E L I X Editor the point w i t h a College-wide 'say present reports to C o u n c i l o n the no to no say' poster c am paign. The Print U n i t . campaign resulted i n the most w e l l It is innoccuous aside f r o m the attended U G M for several years, U n i o n ' s declared intention that the w i t h over 400 I C a n d 250 St M a r y ' s opportunity should be used to force students t u r n i n g u p . F E L I X to take o n more 'external' p r i n t i n g jobs. I a m often accused of h a v i n g produced a 'biased' edition of FELIX They forget that F E L I X Editor and unfairly influencing the already works a seventy hour week. They overlook the fact that the print outcome of the U G M b y p r i n t i n g o p i n i o n articles w h i c h were antiunits primary role is the production of F E L I X and publicity for clubs a n d abolition. I n return I c o u l d accuse they ignore the fact that if we took the U n i o n of unfairly biasing the outcome of the U G M by h a v i n g 250 on more outside w o r k it w o u l d be at the expense of the clubs a n d students f r o m St M a r y ' s to t u r n u p to vote for abolition. F E L I X . Its a case once again of

profits bein g put above students. A very last word E n o u g h of this. I'm off into the big w i d e w o r l d a n d I must leave the future of FELIX and the U n i o n i n the capable hands of m y successor, D a v e Smedley.

1 tug 4

-ÂŤf

\ Jr This is what I look like on a good day. There have been few editions of F E L I X I have liked entirely, but this one comes close. It was originally g o i n g to have h a d colour inside pages, but due to litho failure this issue h a d to be entirely p r i n t e d outside a n d the colour h a d to be dropped. It's b l o o d y typical.

Bili x

FELIX is published by the Editor for and on behalf of Imperial College Union Publication Board and is printed by the Imperial College Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London, SW7 2BB (Tel 01-589 5111 ext 3515). Editor: Bill Goodwin. Business Manager: Elizabeth Warren. Advertising Manager: Nick Jones. Copyright FELIX 1989 ISSN 1040-0711.

c Dear Bill, W e are writing to thank y o u for printing all our letters a n d articles, a n d for y o u r very favourable references to us. W e h o p e D a v e S m e d l e y w i l l prove as generous a n d considerate next year. W e have each been (separately) d e r i d e d as isolated loonies without the backing of the people for our cause. But w e each express total a p p r o v a l for all that either of us has said, so neither of us is a m i n o r i t y of one. ( A n d as one of us is D y l a n that makes three of us.) Yours, Dylan James, Maths 1, Saradakis Emmanuel, Physics 1.

studies, as a cursory glance at the letters page of most institute journals w o u l d reveal. Realistically, capable people w i l l go where they get the best deal. B l a m i n g d u l l lecturers, by no means an I C m o n o p o l y , is tempting but inaccurate. Myth 2) You have to work harder for an Imperial degree, and yet people don't think of it as special. M a k e s y o u r heart bleed, doesn't it? I thought I w o r k e d h a r d for m y first degree, but Imperial engineering courses d o seem frightening. This is hardly a secret; i n fact it is one of the reasons w h y Imperial d i d not appear o n m y U C C A f o r m . H o w e v e r , they are w e l l regarded. M y sponsors were eager to get people to come here, a n d several recruitment agencies note the regard w i t h w h i c h Imperial degrees are held. D o n ' t expect an easy ride anywhere t h o u g h . In m y o w n course, students were s u p p o s ed to read b e y o n d set coursework, and discuss such extra w o r k i n tutorials. Technical subjects always have a reputation for being difficult; people w h o want three years of work, and a good degree at the end of it are i n the w r o n g field, rather than at the w r o n g place.

In C o n c l u s i o n , of course there are things w r o n g w i t h Imperial, a n d these s h o u l d be changed, but to imagine that Imperial College is far worse than anywhere else is f o o l i s h . I enjoyed m y first degree, a n d a m glad that I d i d not d o it at Imperial, but I a m sure that if I h a d , I w o u l d be glad I h a d not done it a n y w h e r e else. Yours, S J Kukula, MSc Composite Materials.

e h y

Dear Bill, I h a d intended to write a vicious letter slagging off the lack of h u m o u r i n y o u r prodigious organ .(Fnarr, "Fnarr, etc), I was also going to fill it w i t h Deor Bill, nasty, bitchy comments like; 'Perhaps y o u should 3) IC students are more Myth I w o u l d like to comment briefly as one of the call F E L I X "The Snoozepaper of Imperial College i m p l i e d 'social spastics' at the Physics l e a v i n g apathetic/immature/self-serving than elsewhere. U n i o n " . But I w o n ' t . party m e n t i o n e d i n D a v e B u m s ' article. O f course there are representatives of these sections at Imperial; there are anywhere y o u go. W h y ? The reason is that o n careful examination 1. I object to the derogatory use of the w o r d of this year's F E L I C E S I have been converted (but 'spastic'. T r y i n g to inspire students to chip i n and help out is always a p r o b l e m . Let me assure D a v e Burns not by Pat Baker) a n d seen the light: Bill, y o u are 2. There are plenty of 'sportsmen, socialisers that 'social spastics' are a feature of a l l w i t h o u t a doubt the greatest h u m o u r i s t a n d and doers' at Imperial a n d m a n y are Physics universities, as w e l l as life i n general, a n d not satirist alive today! undergraduates. Whilst other, lesser publications like Punch and H a p p i l y I share D a v e ' s v i e w of a w o r t h w h i l e c o n f i n e d to Imperial College. Some w o u l d claim the entrance r e q u i r e m e n t s k e e p o u t t h e Private Eye insist o n being so unoriginal as to print time at Imperial, h a v i n g experienced b o t h the sportsmen, socialisers a n d doers. Sadly the h u m o u r o n the h u m o u r pages and the boring ' w a r t s ' a n d advantages of m y decision to come entrance procedure at Imperial is little different stuff o n the letters pages, y o u have s h o w n y o u r to a n o n - c a m p u s L o n d o n college w i t h a f r o m elsewhere, although the required ' A ' level true genius, Bill, by being completely avant garde reputation for h a r d courses. It happens that m y grades m a y be higher. I n m y o w n case, after and p r i n t i n g tasteless drivel, such as 'Dear s t u d y i n g a n d chosen activities left me time for taking an exam I was offered t w o E's, w i t h no M a r g e ' , that w o u l d not raise even a giggle f r o m R C S Rag or s p e n d i n g evenings i n the U n i o n interview. Was this an elitist attitude towards me? a H y e n a , o n y o u ' H u m o u r ' pages; a n d yet, y o u Snack Bar. paint verbal sketches of ludicrous, surreally Student politics seem to have occupied large Finally, thanks to P a u l , P a u l a n d Margaret for unreal characters w i t h satirical genius o n y o u r amounts of F E L I X , yet little of the conversation m a k i n g the Physics party such a good e v e n i n g . letters page. i of students. This too is mirrored at other Yours sincerely, universities. Student politics is seen as largely Y o u started off the year w i t h m i n o r political Alice Jacques, Physics 3. unimportant b y most students; I make n o satireâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;an hilarious spoof o n the far left entitled comment o n this, I only note that it is no different 'IC Class W a r G r o u p a n d the P C Blakelock f r o m any other university. The l o w turnout of scandal', a theme y o u have recently returned to voters at every student election d u r i n g m y o w n w i t h y o u r side-splitting character, the absolute first degree, as well as at the initial election of the tosser James 'I think L S E were r i g h t ' N a t h a n . It L S E President provides suitable evidence. was at Christmas that y o u really m o v e d into the big b o y s ' league; religious satire. W i t h y o u r 'Bottle of W h i s k y a n d the K o r a n Farce' y o u Myth 4) There are no women at Imperial. Dear Bill produced a biting satire o n Islamic There is obviously an imbalance. What strikes me A n o t h e r Friday, another article i n F E L I X fundamentalism that left Rushdie's standing and more are the somewhat selfish reasons p u t k n o c k i n g Imperial College. A s an M S c student f o r w a r d for change by the male p o p u l a t i o n of more than likely hastened the A y a t o l l a h ' s recent c o m i n g to L o n d o n after a first degree at a demise. College. A t least Imperial avoids the all-male provincial university I confess to f i n d i n g the heartiness of the older Oxbridge colleges, where Recently, y o u have s h o w n y o u r originality yet w h o l e debate somewhat p a i n f u l . Perhaps the k n o c k i n g nails t h r o u g h feet was seen as a n again by c o m b i n i n g political a n d religious satire worst aspects are the assumptions made by some to f o r m r i g h t - w i n g ' C h i s t i a n ' (I use the term acceptable p u n i s h m e n t for l o s i n g a r o u n d of authors about life at other universities. If Imperial ' U n i v e r s i t y C h a l l e n g e ' , a n d r u g b y or r o w i n g loosely) D y l a n James. H i s arguments that G o d is guilty of a n y t h i n g , it is of engendering severe really does give a d a m n about what colour of attacks of 'grass-is-greeneritis' i n some of its were (and possibly still are) the o n l y routes to acceptance. Noticeable is the disproportionate rosette y o u wear o n y o u r lapel made me l a u g h undergraduate population. Perhaps a few myths amount of i n p u t w o m e n give to Imperial; a look so m u c h that I needed emergency treatment o n need to be destroyed. at the number holding office in clubs and societies m y ribs at St M a r y ' s (remember the side-splitting ' M a r y ' s d o n ' t like U G M s ' ? ) . s h o w s that m a n y do not feel intimidated by the Myth 1) Imperial turns people off science and H o w e v e r , B i l l , I feel that y o u m a y have gone engineering, so they all run off and become situation. The fact is that sciences are still seen as a male d o m a i n ; as long as this situation exists, too far a n d c ould be accused of racism for y o u r accountants. and Imperial remains a science college, there w i l l character ' E m m a n u e l Saradakis'. By m a k i n g a Yes, a h i g h p r o p o r t i o n of Imperial students do be more m e n than w o m e n . The w o m e n have m y complete dickhead like that Greek I fear that y o u leave science. I n fact, a large p r o p o r t i o n of all s y m p a t h y . T h e male undergraduates w h o may have deeply insulted the entire Greek science graduates leave science. In C a m b r i d g e , expected university to resemble a n enormous nation. over 50% of engineering graduates go into other k n o c k i n g - s h o p s h o u l d have read the prospectus Yours in worshipful awe, occupations. This reflects more u p o n the status more carefully. Rick Eiardiman, ME1. of such jobs i n our society than where the student

Page 2

FELIX

June 21 1989

d The College's G o v e r n o r s are to consider a proposal o n Friday to control rent increases at S i l w o o d Park. If the proposals go ahead, rent increases i n South K e n s i n g t o n may be smaller i n the future, according to College Secretary, John S m i t h . M r Smith's proposals were anounced to students at S i l w o o d Park o n last M o n d a y . H e recommends that the cost of a n e w hall of residence at S i l w o o d Park be met by a £500,000 College loan over 25 years at a fixed rate of 9% interest per a n n u m . T h e idea has the approval of students at S i l w o o d Park w h o objected to the College's original proposal of a loan over 20 years at 12.5% per a n n u m . S i l w o o d Park student C h a i r m a n , Ian L o w l e s told F E L I X that the original plans w o u l d have meant 'quite a substantial rent increase.' The n e w proposals, he says, w i l l allow for increases i n line w i t h surrounding Colleges. The plans, he added, w i l l mean that the College is effectively subsidising the n e w hall. M r S m i t h p o i n t e d out that the L a w prevents the College f r o m directly f u n d i n g residences. H e a d d e d that h i s proposals c o u l d mean that students w o u l d lose out if interest rates were to fall i n the future, although they presently stood to gain. The n e w hall w i l l allow the College to house undergraduate "students o n short courses separately

! The University of L o n d o n Careers A d v i s o r y Service is h o l d i n g a ' L o n d o n Recruitment Fair' o n 5 t h and 6th July at the Businesss Design Centre i n Islington. There w i l l be over 200 employers at the fair. Details of employers a n d their vacancies are available f r o m the U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n C a r e e r s A d v i s o r y Service a n d at the fair, priced 50p. Imperial College's Careers Office offers a range of literature o n employers as w e l l as a Careers A d v i s e r a n d other services. The Careers Office has received a cut of £3000 to its budget for next year as well as a £10000 cut this year.

to permanent postgraduate residents. It is h o p e d that the n e w arrangement will prevent disturbances between the t w o groups w h i c h have arisen i n the past. M r Smith's proposals include the d e v e l o p m e n t of a C o n f e r e n c e Centre at S i l w o o d Park. H i s original proposals were rejected b y the Governors at a College Finance a n d Executive meeting i n M a y due to pressure f r o m students over the residence arrangements a n d fears that the plans for the Conference Centre could be financially unstable.

M r S m i t h n o w hopes that the S i l w o o d Science Park C o m p a n y , 'Impact', w i l l r u n the Conference Centre. 'Impact' raises £200,000 per year for the College. T h e n e w plans recommend that this money be used as a basis u p o n which to develop the Conference Centre. A l t h o u g h M r S m i t h feels that the College may 'lose out a bit' initially, he told F E L I X that the Centre is ' A n absolute w i n n e r . ' H e hopes to see clubs, societies a n d departments u s i n g the Centre at weekends as its catering facilities i m p r o v e .

r y l U n i o n President Nigel Baker outlined h i s ideas for a fourth executive sabbatical at M o n d a y ' s Joint U n i o n C o u n c i l . A s a second D e p u t y President the n e w post w o u l d be responsible for all aspects of student welfare. M e m b e r s of the meeting are to submit suggestions as to what M r Baker s h o u l d do w i t h his ideas b y July 15.

(APPR0X. £30) 'Yes Bill I enjoyed FELIX so much this year I'd like you to wrap it in slinky leather for me to keep as a momento and I enclose a £10 deposit. •No Bill I hated it.

('Delete as applicable! Name

The College's A c c o m m o d a t i o n Office has ' n o sense of the w o r d urgency' w h e n allocating students for r o o m s o v e r t h e S u m m e r according to Lesley Rose i n the College's C a s h Office. M r s Rose is i n charge of the billing of students, who must pay for Summer accommodation by the e n d of term. Students are expected to receive bills, notifying t h e m of their place this S u m m e r b y today. M r s Rose t o l d F E L I X that m a n y of t h e students involved are postgraduates w h o are required to give notice of their departure f r o m term time

June 21 1989

accommodation. She is concerned that m a n y students w i l l receive notification of their place i n hall with too little notice. College A c c o m m o d a t i o n Officer, Loretto O'Callaghan told FELIX that the staff i n the office h a d been working hard for three weeks o n the allocations. The last batch was sent to the C a s h Office o n M o n d a y . M s O ' C a l l a g h a n is h o p i n g that a new computer based system w i l l be i n place for next term's allocations, w h i c h are presently done manually w i t h computer assistance.

FELIX

Dept./Address

I N

zvith a FELIX

subscription

*Yes I would still like to keep in touch with FELIX despite this year's attempts, in the knowledge that it can't get much worse and I enclose a cheque for £10 (to cover postage). *No I'd rather forget all about this godforsaken hole and spend the tenner on beer. Name Dept./Address

Page 3

M P Peter Brooke p r e s i d e d at the official o p e n i n g of the lights o n the Queens T o w e r yesterday. P u s h i n g the switch, M r Brooke said that he h o p e d the lights w o u l d be a beacon to guide the College into n e w scientific enlightenment.

The F E L I X p r i n t i n g press is currently und ergoing massive internal surgery after the machine's k i p p e r springs failed d u r i n g the printing of the last issue. The failure occured w h e n the E d i t o r ' s B o b D y l a n tape p r o d u c e d a resonant note w h i c h r u p t u r e d all fifteen of the machine's sprocket woggles.

The Queens Tower has been lit for several m o n t h s n o w , but this is the first time it has been lit officially, said a s p o k e s m a n .

FELIX Editor, Bill G o o d w i n narrowly missed suffering 3 r d degree woggle burns as h e fought w i t h the machine but his attempts to save the three vital kipper springs at the heart of the press failed. ' I ' m gutted,' said M r Goodwin yesterday, 'but then so's the l i t h o . ' Publications B o a r d C h a i r m a n John D e n h a m a d d e d 'It serves the o l d b*st*rd right.'

p A f t e r a n o v e l twist i n M o n d a y ' s Joint U n i o n C o u n c i l meeting, next year's F E L I X editor is to receive full v o t i n g rights o n C o u n c i l as w e l l as permanent observer status o n the U n i o n ' s E x e c u t i v e , subject t o r a t i f i c a t i o n at t w o c o n s e c u t i v e UGMs. F E L I X editor Bill G o o d w i n said afterwards, 'I h a v e always suspected that the F E L I X Editor is the most p o w e r f u l sabbatical, but these policy changes have confirmed it. It's about time the Exec became accountable to F E L I X . '

This year's S u m m e r Fair saw a n o v e r w h e l m i n g attendance w i t h stalls f r o m m a n y U n i o n clubs a n d societies as w e l l as exhibitions b y many of the College's departments. F o o d f r o m a r o u n d the w o r l d w a s p r o v i d e d b y some of the Overseas societies, whilst people took part i n a n u m b e r of competitions, w i t h prizes r a n g i n g f r o m a balloon trip

w i t h champagne o n board to a laptop computer. A m o n g s t the more suspect competition winners was the tutor of next y e a r ' s P r e s i d e n t N e i l M c C l u s k e y , w h o acted as master of ceremonies w i t h College Secretary, John S m i t h . There w a s also a n u n u s u a l l y large n u m b e r of Smiths amongst the d a y ' s w i n n e r s .

t ' O h B*ll*cks. Bill, we've got to write another news story. " O h alright Dave, I ' l l just write a little p i d d l y o n e . " Y e s , but don't forget. If it's any longer than 5 lines, I ' l l have to

r g

a Anybody

Do not remove this article There were read signs all a r o u n d w h e n w a c k y Q T Society planted a spoof notice i n H y d e Park. A s p o k e s m a n f r o m the society said that the sign received a m i x e d

Page 4

reaction f r o m passers b y , ranging from n o n - c o m p r e h e n s i o n to hysterics. The sign c a n be f o u n d at the N o r t h e n d of the Serpentine.

FELIX

g print g ready r next term d come into the FELIX e e the end o term or n y 1st and t 1st. Anything d r t 1st l be d on time r Freshers' .

June 21 1989

The Credits A predecessor of mine once calculated that each edition of FELLX takes 370 m a n hours to produce. This figure provides some indication of the time and energy the staff have put into the paper over the past year; the commitment s h o w n b y some of the staff has been truly astonishing. M y sincere thanks to the F E L I X crew: Rose A t k i n s , D e a n Vaughan, Dave Smedley, Steve Meyfroidt, D o u g K i n g , Sez W i l k i n s o n , A d a m H a r r i n g t o n , Stef S m i t h , R o b i n D a v i s o n , N i k k i Fox, L i z W a r r e n , N o e l C u r r y , Steve K i l m u r r a y , P e n n y Gam ble , A d a m H a r r i n g t o n , A n d y Clark, M A C , S u m m i t G u h a , N e i l M o t t e r a m , N i k Jones, P a u l Barton, Wouter V a n H o u t e n , A n d y Bannister, D a ve Thomas, W e n d y K i t e , S i m o n Bradshaw, M i k e M o r t o n , P h i l H o p k i n s , Jason Lander, Walter, A n d y Waller, R a m i n N a k i s a , A g a m e m n o n , M a r g e M a u d l i n . Thanks also to everyone w h o has contributed this year, particularly D a ve

Griffiths, M i c k G o d f r e y , M a r k , Y i s h u N a n d a , Alistair G o o d a l l , Dave Clements, N i g e l Baker, Julian Butcher, K a m e l a Sen, M i k e , John W i l k i n s o n , C h r i s Leahy, M y l a n Lester, Chas Brereton, C h r i s M a r t i n , A n d y T h o m p s o n , F i o n a Nicholas, C h r i s E d w a r d s , Pete W i l s o n , A n d r e a , Yousef Samrout, the Baron writer, Sumit G u h a , M a r t i n Cole, Sarah C o n y e r s , A d a m H a r r i n g t o n , Ina e l - K a h d i , Tara Sears, P a u l D h i l l o n , Sophie Wardle, Sydney Harbour-Bridge, Ian M o r r i s , Jon Sadler, M a r t i n Colege, Rupert C l a y t o n , M a t t R a m p t o n , Susan A p p l e b y , D a n i e l , A d r i a n Bourne, Dev, A n d y Hall, M i k e Bell, A n d y Mellor, H a l C a l a m v o k i s , Brendan O ' B r i e n , John Briggs, A n d y Player, C h r i s E d w a r d s , Caroline Scott, D a r r e n A u s t i n , Roger Walker, Jeremy B i d d l e , Spenser Lane, John Hassard, Dominic Strowbridge, Emile N i z a n , M i c h a e l K i r s c h , Patrick S m i t h , M a r t i n K i n s e y , A l a n Y o u n g , Ian

L o d w i c k , Saya, R o y , Julian M o o r e , R a l p h G r e e n w e l l , A n d y G a r s i d e , Y v e Posner, Jen H a r d y - S m i t h , Steve Easterbrook, A n j A h u j a , A n u p Karia, A z h a r A b i d , Paul Stephenson, A r d y Bayat, A n d r e w G o l d m a n , Jeremy Leggett, E m m a n u e l Saridakis, S i m o n T h o m p s o n , D a n H o m o l k a , K e i t h A d e n e y , Steve M a r s h a l l , M B K h a n , C a r l kent-Smith, D y l a n James, T o n y Spencer, G a r y Hastings, M i c h a e l M c C a r t h y , D r Eric Yeatman, Dave Burns, Dave W i l l i a m s, Shen N i n g , a l l the reviewers, all the collators, particularly R C S , Ents, Rag, Linstead H a l l a n d E n v i r o n m e n t a l a n d A p p r o p r i a t e Technology Society. Superduper and wacky and zany thanks to Stef, Rick, Jason a n d D a v e for staying u p all T h u r s d a y night to photocopy the front cover. I love y o u all a n d want to have y o u r babies.

left to right, back row: Stef Smith, Adam Harrington, Jason Lander, Dave Smedley, Andy Waller, Wouter van Hulten, Simon Bradshaw, Mike Morton front row: Rob Davison, N i k k i Fox, Wendy Kite, Bill Goodwin, Liz Warren, Sumit Guha, M A C , Sydney Harbour-Bridge

June 21 1989

FELIX

Page 5

A t this time of year, a strange a n d now familiar feeling always percolates softly t h r o u g h Walters hardened a n d d r i n k â&#x20AC;&#x201D; s o d d e n soul; a feeling w h i c h can best be s u m m e d u p b y the phrase " T h e r e w e w e n t again"â&#x20AC;&#x201D;to be s p o k e n w i t h a sigh, a n d i n a resigned tone of voice. Another year is i n the last d r a w n out stages of g r i n d i n g to a close, a n d members of staff are d r a w i n g the blinds a n d d u s t i n g off the bottles of

S o u t h A f r i c a n sherry, i n readiness surprise: Walter has joined the for the celebration of the departure green r e v o l u t i o n . of yet another mass of the great It's true! N o t only has he taken to u n w a s h e d , w a v i n g their n e w l y a d d i ng lead-free g i n to his cocktails, m i n t e d degrees, into the brave n e w but he is at this moment wearing an w o r l d of chartered accountancy. additive-free tie, a n d this article was Walter w o u l d naturally be the last typed i n its entirety o n a recycled person to heap scorn o n anyone word-processor. U n t i l recently he w h o s e c h o s e n career i n v o l v e d was investigating the possibility of d i r t y i n g their h a n d s w i t h t h e fitting a catalytic converter to h i s passage of large a m o u n t s of cigarette holder, but he feels that the someone elses money, butâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;largely cost, estimated at ÂŁ600, is a little due to the stickiness of h i s o w n excessive. See the above remarks relations w i t h accountants over the about accountants. last few decadesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;he is i n c l i n e d to A l l this atmosphere awareness v i e w the financial professions w i t h business has l e d Walter to w o n d e r a rather jaundiced eye. In other whether h o t airâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;of the h u m a n words, may they rot i n H e l l . Slowly. derived varietyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;can be considered Just to prove that this is the last a Greenhouse Gas. If so, apart from article this year, there n o w follow a the obvious contribution made b y few lines f r o m a song b y the p o l i t i c i a n s w i t h i n C o l l e g e a n d i m m o r t a l R a l p h V a u g h n W i l l i a m s : * w i t h o u t , it is clear that people such as D y l a n James should stand u p and be counted, so to speak, for the Let other m e n make m o n e y faster, damage they are d o i n g to the labouring i n the dark r u n e d towns. atmosphere. Since last he appeared I d o n ' t fear a peevish master, i n these pages, Walter has actually t h o u g h n o m a n m a y heed m y met M r James, and was surprised to frown. f i n d that h e seemed harmless I be free to go abroad, or take again enoughâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;hardly the frothing m y h o m e w a r d road, G h e n g i s K a h n type one was led to T o where for me the apple tree d o expect. It only goes to prove, for the lean d o w n l o w , i n L i n d e n Lea. h u n d r e d th time, that y o u shouldn't believe all y o u read, even i n this To those of y o u w h o are surprised exalted journal. at someone as embittered as Walter q u o t i n g poetry, here's a bigger

ALL (iaY

A&OU'T Ot. T

[HOW 0-tTT

" W E

. PtV

INTO

A n d f i n a l l y â&#x20AC;&#x201D; f o r there m u s t always be a n a n d finallyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;Walter w o u l d like to thank all those w e l l wishers w h o have enquired after h i m d u r i n g h i s recent i l l n e s s . A c t u a l l y , illness is h a r d l y the right w o r d . W h a t h a p p e n e d , not for the first time, is that he was obliged to go into h i d i n g to a v o i d those nice m e n f r o m the Inland Revenue. H e w o u l d also like to thank the staff of H M P r i s o n W o r m w o o d Scrubs for a l l o w i n g h i m to write these lines f r o m the comfort of h i s m o d e r n , w e l l e q u i p p e d cell, a n d for the assurance that he may get off w i t h three years if h e keeps h i s nose clean. R o u g h l y the equivalent of bein g sentanced to three years at Imperial College, d o n ' t y o u think? A l l the best!

W h o was it w h o said that h a p p y

v A f W OM FEW Ft.A^C-5 LEFT", THE 5 scfun-

m e n don't write their memoirs? The name of this perceptive i n d i v i d u a l escapes Walter for the moment, but the truism remains true all the same, a n d applies most of a l l to the volumes of h i n d s i g h t e d w i s d o m being p e n n e d at this time of year by our esteemed sabbaticals: If the length of the memoir is proportional to the degree of u n h a p p i n e s s , then N i g e l Baker (may his tribe increase) must be a miserable m a n i n d e e d , a n d w h o can blame h i m . N e v e r m i n d , o l d son: N e a r l y over n o w .

W A K E u p , h^V -TT w ( \ S p , L L '3IAS

â&#x20AC;˘

A t o L C f I F VjC AL-C_ S"UAvVfrHTEIcfP g*1 F\LIÂŁK<>5\ 7

J G- ex r A P o l SON)?'

"1 ye

flOAjPCUSM I O P L fO?S

see -rue CfcACrCer^

r 1

HAVEN'T

Page 6

FELIX

Tttt

-Tins?

June 21 1989

X s be /or

will be held on the 2nd quarter of the third passing of the Felicitix. Admission to the smearing of the incoming editor with the blood of the virgin cat and the trouser ceremony will be by exclusive invitation only

Imperial College W i t h the recent increased interest i n Europe a n d the 'breaking d o w n ' of barriers scheduled for 1992 F E L I X investigated the impact 1992 w i l l have u p o n Imperial College. O n e of the most relevant aspects of the u n i f i c a t i o n of the E u r o p e a n C o m m u n i t y w i l l be the freedom of movement to w o r k i n a n y E C country. Therefore graduates w h o h a v e a k n o w l e d g e of a n E C language w i l l be at an advantage. Presently students at IC can study foreign languages i n evening classes w i t h the H u m a n i t i e s Department and some courses include a foreign language as part of the degree. A p p r o x i m a t e l y 500 s t u d e n t s enrolled for language courses this year a n d M r Stables, H e a d of the Humanities Department, anticipates further increasees. This October students w i l l be starting degree courses w h i c h w i l l contain a year i n E u r o p e (or at least a year i n continental Europe) as College realised that Britain is i n E u r o p e part of the mentality the w h o l e nation w i l l have to deal w i t h . The Humanities Department is offering, as a result of these course, language courses w h i c h contain a more technical a n d scientific vocabulary. British standards i n engineering and science w i l l need to be replaced w i t h E u r o p e a n standards. This has a l r e a d y started a n d P r o f e s s o r D o w l i n g of Imperial College is chairman of t h e E u r o p e a n Committee agreeing u n i f o r m codes of practice w i t h steel structures. Students will feel the effects of these changes directly. The status and, more importantly, the salary of engineers and scientists is generally higher i n continental Europe. M a n y I C graduates may manage to both stay i n engineering and get a r e w a r d for d o i n g so by joining the army of British workers in other E C countries encouraged by the changes of 1992. The greater implication of the E u r o p e a n C o m m u n i t y has l e d to some major potential merges

June 21 1989

between technological companies. For instance there has been mention of a l i n k i n g of Siemens G E C a n d Plessy. this w i l l have some impact o n a college like Imperial w h i c h deserves a substantial income f r o m research contracts. The effect of 1992 w i l l be to offer greater opportunity for contacts f r o m E u r o p e a n firms. Currently Brussels awards research grants a n d the money directed towards it f o r redistribution w i l l increase. A l r e a d y Imperial is w e l l placed w i t h about seventeen such pre-competition research grants, out of a total of thirty i n the U K . E n v i r o n m e n t a l controls decided by the E u r o p e a n Parliament w i l l be tougher than the current British ones. This w i l l result i n more money being available for environmental research, a n d Imperial has recently set u p a centre for environmental technology. O n e important feature of the d e v e l o p m e n t of u n d e r g r a d u a t e courses is to include somewhere along the line education about h o w people i n other E C countries think and behave. The D e a n of City a n d G u i l d s , Professor P a t H o l m e s , pointed out the example of a West G e r m a n marketing director w h o said that he sells his products i n E n g l i s h but buys stuff i n G e r m a n . Professor H o l m e s went o n to say that the Board of Studies h a d spent t i m e d i s c u s s i n g w h a t sort o f language courses s h o u l d be taught to include a cultural component. C o n c e r n was expressed that some people might not take u p the four year courses w i t h a year i n continental E u r o p e if student loans are introduced a n d the L o n d o n factor causes some w o r r y . T h u s 1992 w i l l effect Imperial College i n some direct w a y s a n d e m p l o y m e n t prospects w i l l be improved. Already some companies f r o m other E C nations are joining i n the milk r o u n d . The numbers of people taking a foreign language c o m p o n e n t i n their course is expected to increase.

FELIX

ALL WELCOME free invitations available from the FELIX Office

PIMLICO CONNECTION

TUTORING SCHEME (Oct 18th 1989-Feb 14th 1990) like a chance to communicate scientific ideas and help teachers of Science and Maths in local ILEA Primary and Secondary schools? Then join the scheme and the student Pimlico Connection Society... Details from the Humanities Department: â&#x20AC;˘ Room 313C, Mech Eng â&#x20AC;˘ Room 439/440 Mech Eng and FRESHERS' FAIR

Page 7

s 13. Which notable College object failed to set on time?

s 1. Which of D r Who's enemies invaded the FELIX Office? a) C y b e r m e n b) The Master c) M i c h a e l C r o s s l a n d d) Dalek e) Y e t i 2. What happened to DebSoc's speaker from the South African Embassy this year? a) K i d n a p p e d b) E x p e l l e d by the F . O . c) A l i v e a n d w e l l a n d l i v i n g i n Richmond d) Became a T o r y M P e) Received a k n i g h t h o o d

8. Which electoral system does IC use? a) First past the post b) Single Transferable V o t e c) P r o p o r t i o n a l Representation d) Single Transferable V o t e apart f r o m St M a r y ' s w h i c h are b u r n t e) M a g i c Circles

a) R o b N o r t h e y ' s jelly b) C h a s Brereton's alarm clock c) M e c h E n g candle d) Physics Department's monopole e) The College Books (after b e i n g cooked) 14. What notable College object lit up this year? a) First year C h e m i s t r y lab b) The Q u e e n ' s T o w e r c) R o y Francis d) Imperial Biotech e) C h a s Brereton's nose

9. Which two people switched jobs for a week this year? a) P a d d y A s h d o w n a n d Margaret Thatcher b) Jen H a r d y - S m i t h a n d Rose A t k i n s c) The Rector a n d C h a s Brereton d) K y l i e M i n o g u e a n d Bill G o o d w i n e) N i g e l Baker a n d B i l l G o o d w i n

3. What did the Union Snack Bar come to be known as? a) U n i o n Snack Bar b) Caterpillar Cafe c) R i t z M a r k II d) Petite Portions Patisserie e) Romantic R e n d e z v o u s 4. a) b) c) d) e)

Who was the Union Rat? Roland Nigel D K e n Baker Stuart Norman

21. Which Union Sabbatical signed blank Central Stores order forms which allowed a member of DramSoc to make explosives in his Beit Hall room?

10. Which country did Paul Barton visit? a) T u r k e y b) T u r k e y c) T u r k e y d) T u r k e y e) T u r k e y 11. The merger of IC with which of the below was called off? a) St M a r y ' s H o s p i t a l M e d i c a l School b) K i n g s College c) Social Democratic Party d) R o y a l H o l l o w a y a n d B e d f o r d N e w College e) M . I . T .

5. At which airport was the Rector detained when he was unable to produce an entry visa on his tour of the Far East? a) D e l h i b) R o m e c) T o k y o d) Laos e) Singapore 6. a) b) c) d) e)

12. Which College department was downgraded by the Earth Sciences Review? a) M R E b) G e o l o g y c) Refectories d) Claire A s h e) The U n i o n Rat

15. Which sabbatical threw up i n the van on the way back from Silwood Council? a) Bill G o o d w i n b) N D Baker c) C h a s Brereton d) W e n d y M o r r i s e) The U n i o n Rat 16. Which former sabbatical and College employee were married this year? a) Dave Parry a n d J u d i t h H a c k n e y b) Lesley G i l l i n g h a m a n d A l a n Rose c) C a r l Burgess a n d Claire A s h d) H a r v e y P r o c t o r a n d M a r y Whitehouse e) John S m i t h a n d C h r i s t i n e T aig 17. Which sabbatical candidate promised there would be no College rent rises next year? a) N o s t r a d a m u s b) M a l c o l m A l d r i d g e c) N e i l M c C l u s k e y d) Dave Smedley e) G y p s y Rose Lee 18. Which expensive piece of College was dug up a few weeks after it was completed? a) Q u e e n ' s T o w e r car park b) H u b Office c) H a m l e t G a r d e n s d) N i g e l D Baker e) Caterpillar Cafe

What is the Rector's real name? Derek D a s h E m m a n u e l Saradakis Claire A s h George B u s h Eric A s h

7. How many members of Council are there? a) 3 b) 10 c) 55 d) 300 e) it depends o n h o w the c h a i r m a n w a n t s the vote to g o

Page 8

20. Which Union Officers woke up to find copies of their annual reports pasted over the doors to their rooms? a) C h a s Brereton b) The President c) The D e p u t y President d) N i g e l Baker e) W e d o n ' t k n o w , because it never h a p p e n e d , honest.

19. Which group of people supplied a goat to dump for charity this year? a) Estates b) L i n k s C l u b c) I C U sabbaticals d) Refectories e) F E L I X staff

FELIX

a) b) c) d) e)

C h a s Brereton Charles Brereton The D e p u t y President C Brereton M r Brereton

w a q j j o rrv -\z ' u » i p j o n v 03 •q WMSUV '61 e W M s u y '81 I9AO u o i p i p s u n f o u p e q [PI\T ! M u o i s p a p aSarjo;} e SBM ji X][Bnj3e ; n q 'AaxsnrjajAT najsj l\ q j a M S u y '<)i U3MOX s u a a n o aqj u i d n S u i M O j q i Xq j i a s u n q p a q s m S u u s i p osre OVJM ' u o j a i a i g s e q ^ gx •q j a M s u y 'fl suoijemsiessiui jajsue.ii jeaq auios oj s>rueq} 'ajpuea aqj, £\ q H M S U V '31 p I3MSUV Aay[mji si MMSUB paxioD auj, a laMSuy •asxnoa j o ' p M M S U V 'SS •spjepeieg

ma 3

II oi '6 '8 'L o, S

SUIOJAJ uej j o aiea a q i rapun j s n q M u o n u m u r e u i j o paip o q M j e i a o i j j o u o i u f i e 'UBUIION SBM }i X j i e n p y auo jmDijjrp v f iB3ui s,4uapnjs e u i jerjidjajBD p a i j j B p a q d B i S o j o q d ( x n a i MIJB 5>J<O "#"$%&'&# a u j , e q j a M S u y "i jjsauojq spB IJEUIS aqj pajBuiuuarxa p u s XiBnusf u i aaijjo a q ; papBAUi S>[3[BQ X

S J 8 A A S U V June 21 1989

e Nik Jones on amateur rocketry Engines are about £1.25 each. A t a m i n i m u m of £2.50 a flight m u l t i stage rockets are not cheap. To save m o n e y , rockets c a n be built f r o m scratch. A f r i e n d made o n e f r o m a toilet roll, a p i n g - p o n g ball, balsa w o o d fins a n d a parachute cut f r o m a plastic bag. It flew. O n to the test of the ' S I Z Z L E R ' rocket kit. This was carried out o n a Friday afternoon b y Imperial's own M S E 1 A R Consortium. Dressed i n lab coats w e set u p the l a u n c h p a d b y Speakers C o r n e r i n H y d e Park. A s s e m b l y of the rocket h a d been done over t w o days to give the resin h o l d i n g it together l o n g enough to dry. Three launches were carried out a n d it soon became apparent that the i g n i t i o n fuses must be inserted very gently as they are very fragile. Carry a few spares. O n the second a n d t h i r d flights the elastic string detached itself from the A v i d readers of ' H o b b y a n d M o d e l l i n g M a r t ' m a y have seen a series of articles o n a m a t e u r rocketry—what it is a n d h o w to d o it. It also described the building and flight of the rocket kit ' S I Z Z L E R ' . Q u i t e b y chance I have been involved i n exactly the same project, m y version of w h i c h appears below. For more information read o n . A m a t e u r Rocketry ( A R to i t ' s friends) was introduced to students at Imperial at last term's ' P i c o c o n ' science fiction c o n v e n t i o n . A R started i n America twenty years ago a n d the business is d o m i n a t e d b y the f i r m 'Estes', whose p r o u d boast of 'over 150 m i l l i o n successful flights' leaves one to ponder o n the n u m b e r of unsuccessful flights. H e r e , m o d e l rocket b u i l d i n g has been a hobby for years—although actually l a u n c h i n g a rocket w a s illegal u n t i l eight m o n t h s a g o : C u s t o m s a n d Excise h a v i n g only recently a l l o w e d the import of the solid fuel engines f r o m A m e r i c a . A s a result, the g r o u n d e d rockets built by British hobbyists have mutated into m i n o r monstrosities (such as a fin-stabilised Taj M a h a l ) for w h i c h successful flight w a s a d u b i o u s prospect. B u i l d i n g a rocket is fairly simple. A t its most basic, the actual machine consists of a h o l l o w b o d y w i t h fins glued o n at the base a n d a loosely fitted nose-cone h e l d o n w i t h a elastic string. A parachute stored inside the m a i n b o d y ensures that the rocket safely returns to earth. The base of the rocket houses the engine. This resembles a banger,

June 21 1989

w i t h a solid fuel charge sandwiched between a clay base and a cardboard w a d d i n g top. The l a u n c h i n g p a d is a flat metal plate a n d a three foot vertical spike sticking out the m i d d l e . The plate stops the exhaust f r o m igniting the grass u n d e r n e a t h . A metal tube is g l u e d to the rocket b o d y a n d threaded onto the spike is u s e d to guide the rocket o n the first stage of its journey. The spike can be angled to allow for the w i n d , although the l a w does not look k i n d l y o n angles of greater than 30° from the vertical. T h e engines is i g n i t e d b y a n electrical fuse a n d a simple battery and switch circuit. The circuit burns out the fuse, m elting the clay a n d causing the solid fuel to ignite. This provides the p o w e r to l a u n c h the rocket.

b o d y a n d the race was o n to catch the nose before it achieved ' s p l a s h down', i n the Serpentine. Theoretically, the rocket s h o u l d have travelled 800 feet u p a n d 400 feet h o r i z o n t a l l y . O u r s w e n t over 1000 feet once and drifted half a mile o n the t h i r d l a u n c h ! T h i s was w i t h the spike angled into the w i n d . H a d it been vertical, the Imperial Space P r o g r a m w o u l d have come to a soggy e n d ! Incidentally, A R is illegal is H y d e Park w i t h o u t p e r m i s s i o n f r o m the Secretary of State f o r t h e E n v i r o n m e n t . H o w e v e r , the t w o police vans w h o h a d been watching our experiments made n o attempt to move u s o n . F u n n y o l d w o r l d . R u m o u r has it that starter kits are available i n H a m l e y s . R u s h d o w n there n o w a n d f i n d out what all the excitement is about!

ULU TRAV Expert advice from wet travelled consultants to guide you and 100 offices worldwide to help you on your way. low cost Hights and tailor made itineraries for the independent traveller. Full range of travel services including weekend breaks, tours, accommodation and insurance.

A short w h i l e after the m a i n bulk of fuel is used u p , the cardboard w a d d i n g ignites, p u s h i n g o u t parachute a n d a l l o w i n g the rocket to float gently to earth. S i m p l e! The delay depends o n the engine u s e d . T h e altitude attained c a n be a n y w h e r e between 400 a n d 2,800 feet, d e p e n d i n g o n engine size a n d rocket type. O b v i o u s l y , a m u l t i stage rocket can fly higher than a single-stager. A starter k i t i s a b o u t £ 3 0 , excluding engines. Rocket kits can be anywhere between £ 4 to £35, the most expensive being the ' A s t r o c o n ' . This has a 110 camera installed i n the nose a n d , o n reaching the apex of its flight, w i l l automatically take a p h o t o g r a p h of the g r o u n d directly beneath it!

FELIX

§M

ULU TRAVEL Page 9

s shortfall M r N o r t h e y ' s reply was 'I k n o w n o t h i n g I see n o t h i n g . ' FELIX Editor sued

S X Bricks and mortar A l t h o u g h m a n y of the stories covered by FELIX this year have had their roots i n the financial problems w h i c h have beset the College i n recent times, there has been n o reluctance o n behalf of both the College a n d the U n i o n to s p e n d large q u a n t i t i e s of m o n e y o n refurbishments. The year began w i t h the College's decision to s p e n d £1.4 m i l l i o n to convert the M a i n H o u s e at S i l w o o d P a r k into a conference centre complete w i t h accommodation for thirty businessmen, private d i n i n g rooms, a s w i m m i n g p o o l a n d a squash court. Snack

Bar

shocker

Next o n the agenda was a £40,000 refit of the U n i o n Snack Bar w h i c h was given the go ahead f o l l o w i n g losses of £35,000 the year before. The n e w snack bar featured seating for 100 people, a lowered ceiling and

a n e w l i g h t i n g system. V e n d i n g machines for confectionery a n d drinks were installed, whilst the existing furnishing (2 years old) was m o v e d into the U n i o n L o u n g e w h i c h was given a l i g h t i n g tower, a stage a n d a lick of paint. Prophetic w o r d s were uttered at the time by D e p u t y President, Chas Brereton w h o said 'if we d o n ' t get them i n the first term, we lose them forever.' Despite the expenditure the snack bar d i d not prove as popular as it h a d i n previous years, w i t h h i g h prices a n d small portions p u t t i n g off many students i n the first week. Later i n the first term F E L I X caused an outrage by p h o t o g r a p h i n g a caterpillar f o u n d by a student i n a Snack Bar meal. Despite accusations f r o m the U n i o n President that the caterpillar h a d been planted by F E L I X , the U n i o n Catering Committee decided to rename the outlet 'Caterpillar C a f e ' and purchased a painted sign to announce the fact to the w o r l d . In October, the snack bar was m a k i n g profits of £1500 a m o n t h , but i n December this h a d become a loss of £2171. There was speculation that stock h a d been stolen f r o m the store cupboard, but the losses were generally attributed to a falling clientele. The U n i o n ' s response, to reduce p o r t i o n sizes further, was heavily criticised by F E L I X .

M r Northey gained his retribution after the Christmas issue of F E L I X w h e n he threatened to sue the F E L I X Editor, Bill G o o d w i n , over a ' N o r m a n the E x - U n i o n Rat' article alleging that he h a d embezzled £22,000 f r o m the refectories to b u y a Porsche w i t h s u n roof a n d leather upholstery. After taking legal advice M r G o o d w i n agreed to raise £100 for charity a n d p r i n t a retraction, although M r N o r t h e y was k i n d e n o u g h to drop his case subject to F E L I X p r i n t i n g nice things about h i m for the rest of the year. Cooking the books The U n i o n B o o k s h o p also h a d its o w n share of financial problems. A t r a d i n g deficit of £ 1 6 , 7 7 1 w a s discovered i n M a r c h w h i c h auditors attributed to thefts b y staff a n d customers a n d u n d e r p a y m e n t of suppliers by mistake. In A p r i l , after the Easter break, the Bookshop manager, R o y Hicks decided to take early retirement a n d the U n i o n approved a complete refurbishment of the s ho p. N e w cashing u p procedures were introduced and the go ahead given for a n o p e n p l a n layout, an Electronic Point of Sales system designed to monitor stock levels a n d a tele-ordering system.

sound proofing a n d improved acoustics w i l l be installed later, subject to the Rector f i n d i n g the cash. New Chemistry Another project o n the cards is the construction of an extension to the C h e m i s t r y b u i l d i n g . A c t u a l l y , the project has been o n the cards for twenty years, but it has taken this l o n g f o r the U n i v e r s i t y Grants C o m m i s s i o n to f i n d the £ 3 . 6 m funding required. The news was not universally welcomed amongst academics i n the C h e m i s t r y Department w h o were frustrated by the small size of the building a n d its lack of lecture theatres a n d fume cupboards. The Department is n o w having to negotiate with the Science M u s e u m for the retention of its existing lecture theatres i n the O l d Chemistry b u i l d i n g . Academics are keen to point out, however, that the old Chemistry building has not been properly maintained d u r i n g the twenty years that it took to f i n d the f u n d i n g for the n e w b u i l d i n g a n d that it is n o w i n a c o n d i t i o n w h i c h can best be described as dilapidated. Squatters trash Hamlet

A c c o m m o d a t i o n (or the lack of it) has featured p r o m i n e n t l y i n the news pages of F E L I X . Squatters w e r e e v i c t e d f r o m student residences i n H a m l e t G a r d e n s at the start of the year f o l l o w i n g a court injunction. The O n the horizon... h a d cause several squatters M o r e b u i l d i n g plans lie o n the thousand p o u n d s w o r t h of damage and h a d threatened H a m l e t staff horizon. The College has completed with physical violence. The plans for a £500,000 health suite for squatters through furniture out of the basement of Southside H a l l of w i n d o w s , left the flats covered w i t h Residence. If the plans are approved abusive graffiti and contract cleaners by U n i o n a n d College Committees refused to clean one flat where the health suite w i l l provide a squatters had kept a dog and eleven m u l t i g y m , w e i g h t s facilities, a puppies locked inside. The solarium a n d saunas. accommodation office gave students Meanwhile £40,000 has been a rent free week i n a n attempt to earmarked by the Rector to pay for ensure that the flats were not left a n e w public address system for the u n o c c u p i e d after t h e S u m m e r Great H a l l . A n e w l i g h t i n g system,

Refectory blues

February: Mechanical Engineering built the world's largest candle for the British Epilepsy Association.

N o t to be outdone, the College d e c i d e d to r e f u r b i s h i t s o w n Sherfield refectory at a cost of £ 3 0 0 , 0 0 0 . N e w serveries w e r e introduced, n e w tables a n d chairs were fitted a n d a pasta bar installed. The refectories hit the headlines again i n December w h e n a £22,000 deficit came to light. Refectory Manager, Rob N o r t h e y was unable to explain the loss w h i c h occurred i n the wake of a gross profit of £73,000 i n the previous year. The Catering a n d Conference Services Management Committee put the losses d o w n to increased salaries, but w h e n asked to comment o n the

May: Security Chief Geoff Reeves saved the day when he successfully defused a hoax bomb.

1 Page 10

FELIX

June 21 1989

s n e w s pages of F E L I X . E v e l y n G a r d e n s S u p e r i n t e n d e n t , Peter Leeson, told F E L I X that the College was unable to afford to replace all of the eighty year o l d lathe a n d plaster ceilings but said that they were checked every t w o years. The College have n o w adopted a policy of sweeping u p fallen ceilings as quickly as possible so that the evidence c a n be b i n n e d before F E L I X photographers arrive o n the scene. 170 for sale

Kenneth Baker visited IC and announced 'top up loans'. Letting Scheme. A squatter of a different sort came to light i n N o v e m b e r w h e n it e m e r g e d th a t b e c a u s e o f a n administrative error, a member of staff h a d been l i v i n g i n student accommodation for three years. The member of staff concerned, Carlos FloreS refused to leave the flat w h e n the mistake w a s d i s c o v e r e d , c l a i m i n g th a t h e h a d s i t t i n g tennant's rights. A n expensive gamble In September, the College spent £ 2 . 9 m i l l i o n o n a student residence in Earl's Court to house 40 students. The rental for the residence, O l a v e H o u s e , a former G i r l G u i d e s Hostel was set w e l l above the rental i n other residences, at £55 per week. Although this figure w a s insufficient to pay off the interest o n the loan taken out b y the College to pay for the residence, the College took the gamble that the loan capital w i l l continue to increase at a l o w e r rate than the rise i n value of the property. 'People always accuse me of not taking risks a n d n o w I ' m taking o n e ' said College Secretary John Smith. Rent strikes at IC Early October brought w i t h it the threat of rent strikes f r o m the residents of Fisher H a l l i n E v e l y n G a r d e n s w h o were c o m p l a i n i n g that the Student A c c o m m o d a t i o n Office had deliberately attempted to mislead t h e m over rent levels. A meeting of ninety students voted to pay rent o n l y at the previous years levels o n the g r o u n d that they h a d not been told about rent increases before m o v i n g i n . A c c o m m o d a t i o n Officer, Loretta O ' C a l l a g h a n admitted that she h a d failed to i n f o r m students of the n e w rent levels. A week later the threatened rent strike was joined by residents of Beit h a l l w h o were angry that they h a d

June 21 1989

not been i n f o r m e d of the increased rent levels - 12% greater than the previous year - w h e n they accepted places. T h e y were also u n h a p p y w i t h the College's decision to charge for a n extra weeks rent over the Christmas h o l i d a y s . Imperial College U n i o n supported the rent strike w i t h a m o t i o n calling for the College to use the income generated b y taking o n more to subsidise students accommodation. T h e m o t i o n w a s passed by a U n i o n General meeting in an amended form which threatened a College w i d e rent strike s h o u l d the g o v e r n i n g b o d y refuse to transfer £1000 to the residence account for every additional overseas student taken on.

In N o v e m b e r t h e cost o f accommodation was becoming so m u c h of a p r o b l e m that Imperial's ' Q T S o c ' decided to re-inflate the residence account b y p u t t i n g the Rector's H o u s e u p f o r sale. A n advertisement w a s placed i n T h e Standard a n d T h e Times offering the residence for £ 5 m i l l i o n a n d 'for sale' signs appeared i n front of the property. D e p u t y President, C h a s Brereton, whose phone number was g i v e n as the contact n u m b e r said th a t h e h a d r e c e i v e d s o m e

interesting offers. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , the Rector w a s unavailable f o r comment. Top up loans If there is one t h i n g w h i c h has caused students to sit u p a n d take note more t h a n a n y t h i n g else it i s the plans to introduce student loans by 1990. T h e plans were first mooted at b y E d u c a t i o n Secretary K e n n e t h Baker d u r i n g a l o w ke y visit early i n the year w h e n he took part i n a n informal discussion w i t h Imperial students. T h e plans were announced officially i n the C o m m o n s i n N o v e m b e r , w i t h a full page of coverage i n the next d a y ' s F E L I X . U n d e r the scheme , grants w i l l be frozen at their current levels and students w i l l be g i v e n a n interest free loan, but students w i l l not be entitled to claim h o u s i n g or u n e m p l o y m e n t benefits. T h e p r o p o s a l allows a student living i n L o n d o n to borrow £460 per year a n d £340 i n the final year. continued on page 32

Lexham r i p o f f The p o w e r of the press c a n never be u n d e r e s t i m a t e d . I n e a r l y October, FELIX investigated allegations that the College w a s unfairly charging students f o r damage i n L e x h a m G a r d e n s . The u n u s u a l l y h i g h damage charges, w h i c h represented the accumulated damage costs since the College started renting the Lexham Gardens houses, h a d been passed o n to students after the College h a d been May: the new Royal College of Science Union Executive are 'initiated'. forced to h a n d the property back to its l a n d l o r d . H a l f w a y t h r o u g h F E L I X ' s investigation, the College decided to reverse its decision to charge students for damage they d i d not cause saving itself considerable embarrassment i n the process. C e i l i n g collapse M a n y of the residences have been cursed this year with falling ceilings. The first d o w n f a l l h i t S o u t h w e l l house i n October w h e n a three b y four foot slab of % inch thick plaster became dislodged. T h e r o o m w a s unoccupied at the time. There were at least five more downfalls d u r i n g the remainder of the year, t h o u g h not all of the incidents made it to the

FELIX

Page 11

General Portfolio is a market leader in the field of financial planning. At the heart of our success is a well trained, highly motivated team of professional consultants, providing a valuable service to individuals and businesses. Our consultants advise on all aspects of financial planning, including savings, investments and protection. They work in a friendly environment which is supportive and totally without constraint on personal success.

In Pursuit ofExcellence Teamwork is fundamental to our business

approach. While we encourage progressive

individuals to the utmost, they will never be

a career with General Portfoli left to sink or swim - the support of our first class training and administration will see to that. To keep our lead, we need to recruit career minded, independent men and women as financial consultants. Thorough basic training and an initial examination leads to a professional licence. There is a defined ongoing training programme and career structure, leading to Branch Management and beyond. The rewards for success are very high. We do not disguise the fact that the job entails very hard work. You will need to absorb information and learn quickly about this fascinating industry. You do not need to be a financial expert to join us â&#x20AC;&#x201D; the qualities which we seek in you are determination, integrity, energy and the ability to communicate. We shall recognise your strengths and develop them, to help you to become successful. If you have the right qualities, no one will give you more career support than General Portfolio. If you succeed with us, you are likely to do so to an extent you had never imagined possible. For more information about a career with General Portfolio, please contact:R

/jt\ General W Portfolio Financial Planning Services 2nd Floor, Provincial House, 62-68 Eden Street Kingston Upon Thames, Surrey KT11EL

Satellites on a string by Mike Morton

the deployment a n d subsequent retrieval of a n Italian built satellite f r o m a space shuttle orbiter. T h e reusable, m o d u l a r satellite has a mass of a r o u n d 500 k g a n d is powered by silver-zinc batteries. A s the satellite w i l l only be d e p l o y e d for about 20 hours so solar cells w o u l d be unnecessary. The satellite w i l l carry a variety of instruments, mostly concerned with investigating the electric a n d magnetic fields of this region, however the m a i n objective of the programme is to simply demonstrate the feasibility of tethered satellites i n space.

Space tethers have been described as 'the discovery of the w h e e l i n space'. A l t h o u g h the concept is far f r o m n e w , it is unfamiliar to m a n y , 'probably because no space m i s s i o n using it has ever been launched. The basic idea is quite simple (see box): two satellites i n different orbits w i l l assume a stable configuration if they are connected by a long cable (of the order of 10's of k m ) , a n d w i l l orbit together w i t h the cable along the radius of the orbit. This simple trick of orbital mechanics w i l l have a huge impact o n almost all aspects of space exploitation, making it both simpler a n d cheaper.

The first a n d t h i r d T S S missions w i l l involve d e p l o y i n g the satellite u p w a r d s f r o m the shuttle, initally '

Late next year, the first of three missions of the joint US-Italian T S S project (tethered satellite systems) w i l l be launched. This w i l l involve

Artist's impression of TSS

e Gravity pulls m o r e strongly o n o b j e c t s c l o s e r t o the earth's s u r f a c e . Everybody w e i g h s slightly m o r e o n t h e g r o u n d t h e n they d o at t h e t o p o f a tall b u i l d i n g . T h i s e f f e c t i s t h e b a s i s f o r s p a c e tethers. Imagine t w o s at ellit es i n separate o r b i t s a r o u n d a planet (A); a c c o r d i n g t o N e w t o n i a n m e c h a n i c s they w o u l d m u c h rather b e m o v i n g i n a straight line. T o m a k e t h e m m o v e i n a c i r c u l a r orbit a f o r c e of s o m e k i n d m u s t a c t o n t h e m . T h i s is provided by the gravity of the planet. A s the inner satellite experiences a stronger gravitational force it is able t o move w i t h greater velocity o n an orbit with a smaller radius; it t a k e s l e s s t i m e t o c o m p l e t e o n e orbit. T h i s i s s u m m a r i s e d by K e p l e r ' s third l a w w h i c h states:

June 21 1989

T h e o r b i t a l p e r i o d o f the s y s t e m w i l l d e p e n d o n t h e p o s i t i o n o f t h e centre of m a s s , a n d is the t i m e in w h i c h a free f l y i n g object w i l l orbit if it w h e r e a t t h e p o s i t i o n of t h e c e n t r e of m a s s . If t h e c a b l e is s u d d e n l y c u t , t h e upper satellite w i l l b e b o o s t e d into a higher orbit a n d the l o w e r satellite w i l l d r o p into a l o w e r orbit (C). T h i s t r i c k is k n o w n as m o m e n t u m s c r o u n g i n g b e c a u s e it is b a s e d o n the principle of c o n s e r v a t i o n o f angular m o m e n t u m a n d is o n e o f t h e p o s s i b l e p r a c t i c a l a p p l i c a t i o n s of tether s y s t e m s .

, -. )*+ ,

-012 )/ p , 567

Faster, *+, -r satellite

,)*+ d , 567

higher satellite

W h e r e K is a c o n s t a n t , T i s the t i m e t o c o m p l e t e o n e orbit a n d R is t h e radius o f t h e orbit. Imagine t h e t w o satellites are c o n n e c t e d by a c a b l e (B). T h e c a b l e h a s a t e n s i o n b e c a u s e t h e l o w e r satellite is f o r c e d t o s l o w d o w n a n d t h e upper o n e i s f o r c e d t o s p e e d u p . T h e upper o n e w i l l w a n t t o rise a n d t h e l o w e r o n e w i l l w a n t t o f a l l b u t they w i l l exactly b a l a n c e , p r o d u c i n g t h e t e n s i o n i n t h e c a b l e a n d a l l o w i n g t h e stability of t h e s y s t e m .

satellite s to rise

satellite s to 8 9:l

FELIX

Satellite 3+4 -s higher orbit

7 , 5. d +

Satellite 3+4 -s 7 , 5. + d *+, -r orbit

Page 13

e on about 20km of cable but later o n 100 k m . The second is m u c h more interesting. The plan is to deploy the satellite 100 k m below the shuttle to an altitude of 130 k m . This w i l l be the first time this region of the upper atmosphere has been subject to extended study; previously it could only be reached by instrument laden s o u n d i n g rockets for a few minutes at a time. The atmosphere is dense e n o u g h at this altitude f o r the satellite to require stabilising vanes. A l r e a d y there are plans for a n improved upper atmosphere satellite, streamlined a n d equiped w i t h a cooling system that w i l l enable it to reach m u c h lower altitudes; such a system w i l l be very useful for investigating ozone depletion a n d the increasing concentrations of greenhouse gasses i n the atmosphere. A l o w f l y i n g tethered satellite w o u l d also make an almost ideal platform for military surveillance although most official N A S A sources are quite reticent about this aspect. The satellite is deployed as s h o w n in the diagram, f r o m a 12 m b o o m extending from the orbiter's payload so there w i l l be a small inital tension in the cable to prevent it f r o m b e c o m i n g t a n g l e d . T h i s is n o t e n o u g h to u n w i n d the huge cable d r u m carried o n the orbiter so the satellite must be deployed initally by small rocket thrusters. To retrieve it, it is s i m p l y w o u n d i n by an electric motor o n the cable d r u m . The cable itself is made of several materials a n d is v e r y e x p e n s i v e , b u t a kilometer of it only weighs slightly Hess t h a n a kilogram, a n d although it is only 4 m m thick, it can support nearly 30,000 k g .

e e e

(around 250 volts per kilometer of cable) can be produced. In this case, the difficulty is t r y i n g to produce a useful current from this as y o u can't simply string t w o cables between the satellites. The ingenious solution is to collect free electrons at the top f r o m the s u r r o u n d i n g ionosphere and eject them f r o m the bottom satellite, creating what is called a phantom loop. The inital test system w i l l produce 5 k W of electricity but later versions could be m u c h larger. O f course the energy must come f r o m somewhere; i n this case it comes from the energy possessed by the orbiting shuttle w h i c h w i l l slowly drop into a lower orbit w h e n the P M G is i n use. The change is h o w e v e r quite small a n d doesn't matter m u c h as the shuttles only stay u p for about ten days a n y w a y . The current p l a n is to fit a full scale P M G to the space station to make use of the energy given to it b y departing s u p p l y shuttles.

There are plans to test other aspects of space tethers i n the near future. The m o m e n t u m scrounging technique (see box) is to be tested There are m a n y ideas for the use u s i n g the S E D S (small expendable of tether systems i n the l o n g term deployment system); the idea is to deploy a 100 k g mass o n a 50 k m cable w h i c h w i l l t h e n be c u t , hopefully giving the mass a 200 m/s kick w h i c h w i l l carry it into an orbit about 700 k m above the shuttle. This technique is almost ideal for use w i t h the space shuttle because most shuttle payloads are needed i n h i g h orbits w h i l e the shuttle needs to get into a lower orbit for return to earth. A n o t h e r application w o u l d be w i t h the s u p p l y shuttles to the space station 'Freedom' (if it is ever built): It w o u l d enable the shuttle to return to earth w i t h o u t needing to carry extra fuel for braking rockets and the station w o u l d be given a small boost to c o u n t e r t h e s m a l l d r a g it experiences i n its orbit. The t h i r d tether application to be tested w i l l be the P M G (plasma motor generator). The idea is that if the tether cable is a n electrical conductor, then a large voltage

Page 14

future; m a n y are, to be honest, cranky. O n e idea is to connect a space station i n geostationary orbit to the earth's surface w i t h a cable, allowing payloads ride into orbit o n board glorified cable cars. A p a r t f r o m the fact y o u need a cable w i t h a strength to mass ratio about 10,000 times better then the best k n o w n t o d a y , its a neat i d e a . O t h e r proposals include a probe, to the asteroid belt, able to retrieve m a n y surface samples f r o m different asteroids by fireing a n d reeling i n a small penetrator probe a n d very h i g h resolution m a p p i n g of the m o o n and other planets by very low flying tethered satellites (the military implications have already been mentioned). Tethers basically offer a n e w w a y of d o i n g things i n space a n d hence w i l l affect almost every aspect of spaceflight. It is a r a p i d l y developing aspect of technology w h i c h is being watched w i t h very b y t h e space k e e n interest community.

What is Nightline? Nightline is a confidential telephone service w h i c h p r o v i d e s b o t h information and non-directive, n o n judgemental counselling. Most universities and polytechnics i n the U K have their o w n Nightline service w h i c h runs along similar lines. N i g h t l i n e is an organisation r u n by students f o r students—the c o ordinator, an experienced Nightline volunteer, holds a sabbatical post w i t h the University of L o n d o n . West L o n d o n N i g h t l i n e operates from 6 p m through to 8am every day d u r i n g term time. Throughout the evening there is a female a n d male to a n s w e r volunteer ready telephone calls. A s an organisation, N i g h t l i n e offers several services to students: Entertainments and Information— This includes details o n cinema, concerts, theatre, nightclubs a n d galleries as w e l l as other events i n London. Travel Information—There are u p to-date timetables for the tubes, trains, a n d nightbuses. A c c o m m o d a t i o n Service—This service has recently been started. It can be used by students searching for somewhere to live but relies o n those offering places to live i n flatshares, shared houses etc. General C o u n s e l l i n g — T h i s i s offered to students w h o may be w o r r i e d , nervous or anxious about various issues, such as coursework, exams, lo nelines s, f r i e n d s h i p s , relationships or sexuality. N i g h t l i n e is always l o o k i n g for n e w volunteers w h o are w i l l i n g to help o u t . If y o u are interested, please give us a call, d r o p us a line or look out for our N i g h t l i n e stall at the Intro Fair. M y name is Eran Gil—I w i l l be the sabbatical co-ordinator for Nightline during 1989-90. Please don't hesitate to contact me over the s u m m e r or any other time if y o u have a n y questions

WEST L O N D O N

1 J 01-581 2468

Technicians working on TSS.

FELIX

June 21 1989

g Tom

r external ban

Those of y o u w h o avidly read the C h a i r m a n w o u l d sign a cheque for U G M reports, or (odder still) read the amount, either to the creditor the U n i o n Officers' Reports, m a y direct, or to a society member w h o have noticed that the U n i o n has w o u l d foot the bill but c o u l d get decided it's i n favour of external repayment then and'there. S h o u l d bank accounts f o r i n d i v i d u a l m o n e y n e e d to be s p e n t o n societies. This m a y seem a small something not already approved by thing, but j u d g i n g b y the hassle it the committee, then they just meet created i n its passing a n d the fuss and authorise it, possibly as a class made b y the U n i o n throughout, of p a y m e n t o t be g e n e r a l l y such a n impression is mistaken. a p p r o v e d i n future. H e r e I hope to familiarise people w i t h the existing system, and hence What's to stop fraud? to try to outline the advantages of Primarily, the Executive of a society the proposed system. G e t t i n g it are people w h o w o r k for their passed by the U n i o n was the easiest society, not for its d o w n f a l l . N o t e stage i n the birth of such a system. also that the account is o v e r v i e w e d Getting College to agree to it w i l l be by the M S C that administers the very m u c h harder, a n d I hope to society, w h o retain the p o w e r to outline what I perceive to be the freeze the account s h o u l d a n y t h i n g reasons for this also. u n t o w a r d occur. N o t h i n g w i l l stop the really determined fraudster, but Where do we stand now? n o t h i n g can stop h i m n o w either— If y o u ' v e n e v e r b e e n c l o s e l y nor w i l l a n y b u t the most involved w i t h a club or society then ridiculously rigid system—so there's y o u probably d o n ' t realise h o w no increase i n risk f o r a great m u c h red tape a society has to live advance i n society freedom. w i t h i n order to get access to w h a t the U n i o n concedes is 'its m o n e y ' , Sounds Good. What's the problem? being the money generated b y the The core p r o b l e m is it's never been society i n the pursuit of its activities, done before—here, a n d it s h o u l d through ticket sales, membership, come as n o surprise to f i n d the fundraising events a n d more. S u c h p o w e r s that b e at I C b e i n g monies must be b a n k e d w i t h the notoriously conservative. B u t it U n i o n , then to d r a w o n t h e m the w o r k s quite h a p p i l y at m a n y other societies must come once a week to British universities, w h o are h a p p y the U n i o n O f f i c e w h e r e t h e to treat societies as collections of appropriate Honorary Senior students p u r s u i n g a c o m m o n Treasurer w i l l p a y o u t of the interest, rather than as a multiplicity respective U n i o n account u p o n of small businesses. College w i l l presentation of receipts to h i s probably oppose this o n exactly the satisfaction. S h o u l d the society w i s h same grounds—that it doesn't fit i n to b u y a n y t h i n g , whether b i g or w i t h established business practice, small, a society member must pay not auditing, etc. etc.—but these are for it f r o m his o w n pocket, then be falacious g r o u n d s . Societies aren't r e f u n d e d at the convenience of the like little versions of NatWest Bank, U n i o n . Certainly, it is possible to they're just too small to apply these use a U n i o n O r d e r F o r m (if y o u can methods to. A s k a n accountant to f i n d a n M S C C h a i r m a n to sign it), audit a n account w i t h a n a n n u a l but m a n y firms w i l l not handle pro turnover of £400 a n d h e ' l l l a u g h at forma i n v o i c i n g , especially for the y o u — a l l the w a y to the bank. If sums involved i n the average society other objections exist, then i t ' l l be transaction. interesting to hear t h e m . But none have come u p i n the past eight Where would we stand under the months (this has been b r e w i n g for new plan? a w h i l e no w!) a n d I suspect none A t the top of the year, the society will. committee w o u l d meet a n d specify to the treasurer what the money i n the external accont could a n d c o u l d not be spent o n . Then, as a n d w h e n the m o n e y needed to be spent o n such things, the Treasurer a n d

June 21 1989

disobedience. The U n i o n already has the power to grant external bank accounts of any unregulated type if they choose to do so, and are merely advised not to d o it w i th o u t g o o d cause, so there's some precedent for this already. Some have said that i n the e n d , College have the final say. But this is not really true. It seems unlikely that the U n i o n w o u l d hit anything bigger than c h o p p y water t h r o u g h p u r s u i n g this to the e n d , and if y o u , the electorate, f i n d the arguments of College unsatisfactory, the U n i o n can be instructed to proceed w i t h the scheme regardless. This is inflammatory, of course, a n d a negotiated solution w o u l d be highly desirable, but I urge y o u not to let this action be stopped by irrelevant objections.

s Finally O h g o o d , the e n d . I ' m not a great one for arguing i n public, a n d this o n l y ever came out because it h a d to, so I ' m not g o i n g to waste space and time p u r s u i n g any half-baked arguments t h r o u g h the pages of F E L I X . There's quite a lot more b u m p h about this than appears here, and if y o u really want to argue about it, or feel y o u ' v e a v a l i d point to make, at least come a n d get the small print f r o m m e first, I live i n r o o m 6M69 H u x l e y a n d a m o n x6776. A n y letters i n the weeks to come that aren't w r i t t e n o n a full deck are g o i n g to be i g n o r e d ! Those of y o u w h o l i e the idea, please d o n ' t let it die.

Tom Yates

' W h e n we w e n t u p to the U n i o n Office to ask Chas where his reply to this article was, he d e n i e d all k n o w l e d g e of it. S o , w e p i c k e d u p the nearest t h i n g w e c o u l d f i n d to fill the space. This may paint a clearer picture of the D e p u t y President's job f u n c t i o n

What if College won't play ball? If the o n l y reasons against this are the not-good-business-practice type, and it's going to founder o n that, then it m ay be w o r t h considering

FELIX

Page 15

Come back Dave B all is forgiven.

D a v e B u r n s ' s w a n song, i n the last issue of Felix, was stimulating, w r i t t e n w i t h great v e r v e a n d conviction—a personal v i e w of the current state of the College. M i n e , n o doubt equally singular, does not i n all respects tally w i t h his, notably w i t h regard to our divergent v i e w o n the merits of the Rector. W h a t is rather more s u r p r i s i n g is that, o n a n u m b e r of the issues he raises, I w o u l d agree , or differ o n l y by a nuance. But let us start w i t h the R e c t o r he is so often uppermost i n m y m i n d . I a m sorry D a v e that I bored y o u o n the first of October i n 1986. It is, I fear, too late to make amends. A s to that infelicitous phrase w h i c h , i n a moment of exuberance, escaped m y lips, I w i l l have to live w i t h the record—as d i d Q u e e n Elizabeth the First, w i t h respect to the occasion of her celebrated non-verbal utterance, w h i c h has reverberated through the centuries, t h o u g h of course none of her courtiers heard a t h i n g . I a m told that I r e c o m m e n d e d joining a club (singular). N o w what is i n m y m e n t a l R O M is a recommendation to j o i n t w o a n d to devote serious efforts to both—one sport a n d one society. Perhaps I reached the second one, after D a v e had fallen asleep. " T h e Rector has declined to write items for Felix this y e a r . . . " . N o t so—he was never asked! In case m y senile m e m o r y was at fault, I d i d check this w i t h the E d i t o r . W h y is he not seen more w i t h the troops? W e l l n o w , there y o u have struck a sore point. In the transformation f r o m a w o r k i n g academic, to this job, the reduced opportunites for direct contact w i t h students is the bit that I f i n d most frustrating. Its a p r o b l e m w h i c h is not easy to cure. I d o see groups of students, usually those p l a y i n g some specific r o l e academic affairs, representatives o n student/staff committees etc. I have supervised one P h . D student—that w o r k e d , but o n l y because he was prepared to see me at 8 a . m . W h a t about the other 6000? I w o u l d . w e l c o m e suggestions. I d i d actually tell the President that I w o u l d be

Page 16

h a p p y to attend a U n i o n M e e t i n g and field questions. I d i d do just that once, w h e n Taig was Q u e e n . I a m game to try it again. But of course, not m a n y students come to U n i o n meetings I s h o u l d a d d that the role of chief executive of Imperial College is a r d u o u s — m u c h , m u c h more so than r u n n i n g some commercial organisation having a similar t u r n o v e r . Its not h i e r a r c h i c a l persuasion is all. M o r e o v e r the university system is u n d e r attack— and has been for the best part of two decades. Paradoxically, it is m u c h harder to defend a n elite place such

as o u r s , w h e r e a l m o s t e v e r y Department is amongst the top three i n the c o u n t r y , t h a n a mediocre university. If y o u cut a little f r o m a r u n - o f - t h e - m i l l u n i v e r s i t y , it s i m p l y gives its mediocrity a slightly different h u e . Cut bits i n Imperial College a n d the damage is immediate a n d real. T h e a v o i d a n c e of l a s t i n g d a m a g e remains a formidable challenge. I cannot f i n d any evidence to support D a v e ' s analysis of the U n i o n — h o w , i n g o l d e n days it h a d h u m m e d a n d n o w was o n the slippery slope to d o o m . H e appears to recommend " k i c k i n g arse" (k.a.),

D a v e B u r n s — h o m e a n d d r y or out at sea?

as the p r i m a r y route for effecting changes. It m a y w o r k i n the N a v y , but i n the real w o r l d , it is very rarely a successful strategy, t h o u g h it can give great satisfaction to the kicker, an outlet for suppressed frustration; it is above all a call for public recognition: "I go, I go, look how I go,

Swifter than the arrow from the Tartar's bow". In the P r e s i d e n t s that D a v e c o m p a r e d a n d contrasted, he believes that " C h r i s t i n e Taig d i d not set out to change the w o r l d , so the w o r l d was not c h a n g e d " . W e l l Dave, the w o r l d is a great big place. But let me tell y o u of one little bit of it that she did change. W e h a d the chance to b u y 10 houses i n E v e l y n G a r d e n s . T h e n as n o w , w e h a d no money. W e h a d to borrow the stuff. To service the loan, this required a complex rejigging of student rents, w h i c h c ould not have been done without the support of the Student body. Christine Taig pulled it off. A s a result w e have Fisher H a l l ; 200 more students can live w i t h i n w a l k i n g distance. Sure the rents are higher than anyone wants—but to m y m i n d getting rooms w i t h i n w a l k i n g or cycling distance is the most important single p r o b l e m the College faces. W h a t good w o u l d k.a. have done? I f i n d myself i n agreement w i t h the critique that too m a n y students start n a r r o w a n d emerge even narrower. But it is not a n e w problem and I a m sure that contrary to D a v e B u r n s ' v i e w things are getting better. Here the perspective l e n t b y o l d age d o e s h a v e advantages. I arrived here i n 1945 (No, the Rector d i d not address us; I do not think I ever clapped eyes o n the fellow i n m y undergraduate days). The social life was very lestricted, the C l u b s a n d Societies a m i n u t e fraction of the riches n o w o n offer. There was for example no orchestra, no chamber music. The nearest port off call for that was Bloomsbury. N o w the orchestra and the choir are magnificent a n d as near professional as any set of amateurs are likely to get. W e have soloists w h o , s h o u l d they tire of

June 21 1989

n science, c o u l d most certainly make the grade as professional musicians. Yet it remains true that there are m a n y w h o are untouched b y the sports, the politics, micro a n d macro, b y the social life of the College. It is true that Imperial College w o u l d be a better place if m o r e c o u l d be p e r s u a d e d t o participate. The theory that we are exacerbating the p r o b l e m b y o u r student selection procedures does not bear e x a m i n a t i o n . W e are certainly doing much more interviewing than w e d i d three years ago. But there w o u l d be n o point i n selecting for social graces at the expense of academic performance. It w o u l d be totally irresponsible were w e to accept students w h o w o u l d then have difficulty i n following our, admittedly exceedingly tough, courses. Of course it helps if, like St M a r y ' s there are 25 viable applicants for every place. The selectors there (as amply displayed i n a series of T V programmes) are able to go for academic excellence—plus some additional talent. Their students' success i n sports a n d i n the arts is striking. It w o u l d help the whole of Imperial College a great deal if w e c o u l d e n g e n d e r closer contact between the t w o U n i o n s . T h e obstacles, as far as I can understand them, appear to be of a somewhat theological nature. O n c e again k . a . is not going to get u s over that hurdle. I get the impression that D a v e Burns divides non-academic pursuits into G o o d Things a n d B a d Things. Visiting museums and theatres I read as B a d ; r o w i n g is tolerated; but it is " s t u d e n t activity a r o u n d the C o l l e g e " that seems to earn his accolade. But w h y choose? Beer, partners and song are not alternatives. They c a n prove mutually supportive even, i n moderation of course, supportive of the academic w o r k .

It was different i n my day

w o r k i n g i n fields i n w h i c h k n o w l e d g e a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g is accumulating w i t h such frightening speed. It w o u l d not be a problem i n a Department of Greek P h i l o l o g y . The temptation is to r e s p o n d b y p u t t i n g more into the courses. The p r o b l e m w a s h i g h l i g h t e d by the Undergraduate Studies Committee. H a p p i l y , r e m e d i a l p r u n i n g is progressing rapidly throughout the College. It s h o u l d y i e l d some more w a k i n g hours, w h i c h c o u l d be devoted to non-academic pursuits.... D a v e B u r n s concludes w i t h a n inspiring coda. I a m glad that he has " f a l l e n i n love w i t h the p l a c e . . . " , t h o u g h I w o u l d suggest that he m i g h t try to be just a shade less critical of anyone else he might fall i n love w i t h next. I a m g l a d that h e has such a v i v i d sense for the history of the College; that h e retains g o o d memories.

Has the Rector missed the boat? c o m m a n d i n g heights of the student body—the U n i o n a n d F E L I X — t o devote themselves more to that cause. I have not f o u n d m u c h i n F E L I X towards this e n d . Too m u c h of the time one gets the impression of a rather small number of people conversing, all too often ascribing the worst possible motives to each other i n the process. N o w there are some people i n the w o r l d w h o really are b . . . .ds, but, w h e n y o u examine the situation carefully not really that m a n y . If o n e starts w i t h t h e tentative a s s u m p t i o n that most people are not b . . . . d s , it can d o w o n d e r s for getting things d o n e such as recruiting our students, to our society. T he students c o u l d d o a lot—but so c o u l d w e , o n the academic staff. O u r abortive d i s c u s s i o n s w i t h R H B N C contained a n element of

this thinking. A future with R H B N C w o u l d indeed have changed Imperial College—but then change is the only certainty, nostalgia for one's y o u t h the m a i n deterrrent. It d i d not come off, for a number of practical reasons—but I think it was worth probing. A major departure, w h i c h I believe w i l l have beneficial effects o n our c o m m u n i t y , is the incidence of four-year courses, w i t h one year to be spent abroad. M y personal guess is that such courses w i l l become available i n most departments; that a very significant fraction of the students w i l l opt to join t h e m . M o r e i m m e d i a t e l y there is a g r o w i n g recognition that not o n l y are o u r courses intellectually v e r y demanding—they s h o u l d be—but they are also stuffed full of too m u c h material. A t base, it is the result of

W h i c h takes m e to m y title. W h y leave? True there is that degree to take away; there is the Sponsor w h o has been patiently awaiting y o u r maturity, for y o u to take y o u r place i n the defence of the nation. But the contribution w h i c h y o u c o u l d make to the College n o w , as an alumnus, is enormous. Y o u m a y , for a w h i l e , u n t i l that first grey hair appears, have more o p p o r t u n i t i e s to influence U n i o n t h i n k i n g than y o u did from the hustings. W e desperately need y o u n g talent i n the A l u m n u s Association. Yes, w e are asking t h e m f o r money—for the very first time (with student housing one of the m a i n aims...). B u t w e want a lot more f r o m a l u m n i than their financial support. W e w a n t their active participation towards retaining a n d enhancing the academic reputation of the College, towards m a k i n g it a more exciting place to study, i n s p i r i n g it towards p r o v i d i n g greater opportunities for a fuller existence, for everyone w h o is of our c o m m u n i t y . Eric A Ash June 14, 1989

So h o w can we achieve a greater participation? I w o u l d suggest a g o o d start m i g h t be f o r t h e

June 21 1989

FELIX

Page 17

What a whopper! B

Bill rewards this year's top collator, Larry 'Between the sheets' Eduardo.

What ;< =<>? @Ae does all o this C?>e to next year's FELIX, yo D may EFG? Well none H ?IJK<>< ;. Bill has promised me a page LC o my MN n and I intend to be totally irresponsible H OI h it. Little does he P@KH H ? C t is to come. Q Rs ladies and gentlemen, here is S TUr chanceL to see Billy as V WX YZ e @<>< seen him [< K];< . L r AK B \ J< HK \= @^ ; , I O t dream o doing =O HK \= anything Pe this next year... d I ? Next year's FELIX H O=l bring yo D a H OI a h a chance to N _n L ] L a ;<e K>< ; ;? t at Nat West Ban P `a `by H<< P. Chas Brereton's serialised gh t memoirs, 'Chas Brereton - The cd efe i <? J j^ O@A =\] O@ ; ; g <k J JKLI l 'HoH Camay P t my POn ' by Ian I OA < @< \ H Morris and 'Ho FELIX C P d p mine' ? < by Nigel m P ;. BB LK That's the Sabbatical r Bthe B N slagging M year, here are a RB more reasons Mr H OI O@ reading and ; g Mr FELIX next year.

W h a t the cleaner s a w — g u e s s the room and w i n a p r i z e * ' P u l l out' London S e c t i o n • C o s m o p e l i c a n — a l l w i l l be made clear... l a t e r * F o o d a n d W i n e • Features and R e v i e w s • S c i e n c e in a c t i o n at I C * G o s s i p C o l u m n s • C a r t o o n s • A n d Finally...News ! opqq

wox

FELIX has a pgreat this year rst te need more. Whether yos uvp | , yv u, ppaste sp or zsnt { |e}some good n } s ideas,pt e u t ~ r help. I yo are interested in any o the ideas r e or { |e more o ~ r u , pop in. I x ow w s x } s w} s w} yo u t one o the v n s z rs still , l y g B u s i n e s s Manager!) drop in some time and u help yo get the rs .

ÁÂ

Dere P Dash had k;K><n himsel ¾¿À y so many times that there had been little choice in the matter. His best entries had ? =H?¸ s A <Ã\< KK O@>K=>< HK\= [ P. Mad d him letting MadL Dash loose H OIh the C d K\ <K @<H K\² HK \= ?> it she dC e[ goL L t shoppingL and [ ;e he P Ct a crate ? @A K o LL y lights r the Dining Room; than P goodness she'd managed to K =K?d them all on McNorthey. B <@I \A McNorthey, noH there H?s a potential JK\;Ae o ? ¨\J< ¨ .ª h LK A< a pity he ]Lhad threatened to ÄDe Phallix and ; d Editor Å ?=H?¸ O== < <²KK K ?AK=\ @O@A C [ ; ¨ h to be nice to him all year. There's s B <?kJ ?I N I K\² The time o year had come n y in e s S T C P next year., C Ct John Secretary. L § =KK O@ ¤¥ ¦¤ \I \ < LL ] LL< <@ È == @<>< P g ¢£L ; . John g bac P ¡r the past and to theB The ÆÇ ÇÉÊËÌ' Í OAe H?s¹so O ; t noH as H< . Things had \J< ¡ <IH<< LL OA N r KA <¸JI OA k O>?IOJ< as he d r some o the battles o old n Secretary smiled ¨ [ d the Í e Î o been the same since Jolly P Ps had ; B L the OI O©< @s o C<?kJ P?Ie and the ª \;< O<=d Fortress. NoN he N s years ago and the OI O©< @s had >KI<d in a ² ;K\p oB ?AAK \@I?@Is and ¬®¯° I O> O? = AK @J \=I? @I « g it all seemed so ; . s to lead them. John Secretary still management @<>< It had r been the same since.. since...since ±;I CL\r Michael had remembered the days n the A OI O©< @s had rebelled and had held L O<= =<LI \ @<>< \ < O<= ?> J\A HK \= ¡ . Phallix had a d day [ t r again dª ; dC e h a last stand r McNorthey's m\;²<r Bar. What ;<>K=\IOK@? ;O<s they L L k< L<A I \ ] ² \J ?> L< = ; t scape goat. LHe still remembered theL time ±; CL r Michael a t Las tl>ey ;< \J<dLto eat the [\; < ;s \@ <r the H?IA C \l ¨ t LC e ´µ¶ K K\² H O@ ² @J \ < J \ \ < O<= OI O©< had [ Ct a ne B boatL r the boat ³ , only d himsel promoted eye o the Chie . ª ; L d had C t the [ ; r bar B to LL L in a panic B to the heights o Chie Landlady instead o Fleeti Commander. That and had K < ;<d the neN Chie OI O©< @, Ian Whygate, a ;<e bag o B BB NÏ H?@I< IKH< I \ H? H< == <J ² \ < s n they'd to the r as L . , ±; CL r Michael chips Mr S T y o d to be ripped M by the [ ; r bar L sent him L K < I KHO@ had spent a · K¸ \l ª \¨¨ ;, C; g money ; m the top o the IKH<r in the \I \;<. John Secretary J\;e as hell P@<H N Ïo N s boss... ?> H O=J H B kKH< OI O©< @ C t telling S T y exactly ho many steps they'd C e to climb o r amongst the s noN lay H OI h the The balance B È ÉÊËÌ LL OA H?@I< KK J to catch him. balance o the . Nobody in the ' e d to P@KH [ P ÆÇ Ç Í L L L B H OIO©< @ L<= ? K\ O AK \;Je n Michael had =< I, S T y had been I< ;;O O<d o ho B the s t [ t anything any more; their time H? s spent HOI becoming his replacement in Phallix. The only candidate ] ¹h the right on r more important things =OPe H C?t AK=K \r the neN H?==k?k<r in initials had been ]º Senior Assistant Dogsbody, Malcolm ± = \¨k, [\t the OI O©< @J' Snac P Bar J CK\=d be and H COA h neN space O@>?]<r L\ J K\= k\ @<H that had been I K [> OK \J . machineL they C d t in the n room. John Secretary P that B I K\² O@H? \ < @<>< O<= OIO©<@J John Secretary had an d snigger as he t o the Baron's ; C C the d Fortress had r changed, the changes in the ' ª ; »¼½ LL OA \J N I \ N e as he had realisedL that the ne ±; C r Michael s none other Í e · t made it seem that N Ð . than the Baron CO¨J<= .

ffi ?

Page 18

FELIX

June 21 1989

ou are sittin committee room somewhere nion Building is a strange when sudi flash an goes dark, Have you be ansported to the dungeons of the hideous ogre Lord Pendragon in the place where dreams, nightmares and reality are one? Are you about to battle strange creatures, brave terrible dangers and solve difficult riddles in order to rescue beautiful princesses? To find out, go to

June 21 1989

FELIX

Page 19

â&#x20AC;˘

Ă&#x201D; Ă&#x2DC;Ă&#x2122;Ă&#x161;Ă&#x2DC; No, Ă&#x2018;Ă&#x2019;Ă&#x201C;Ă&#x17E; Ă&#x2022;e still Ă in the Union Ă&#x2013;Ă&#x2014; Ă&#x203A;g and the ĂĄĂ˘ĂŁ ĂĽ ĂĄĂ¨ Ă? light Ă&#x153; b has Ă&#x; . ĂĂ¤ĂŽĂŽĂĂŚ are Ă§Ă&#x; t to embarĂŠ ĂŻ Ă°Ăą Ă˛ĂłĂ´ĂľĂśĂĽ ĂŹ ĂŚ, ĂŹ ĂŚs and on an ĂŞĂŤĂŞn more Ăą ĂśĂľ Ă˛ ĂľĂš ĂŽ ĂĽ exciting ĂŹĂˇĂľĂłĂźĂ˝ĂŚ : The Ă¸ĂŚ t r the Ăť Replacement Ăş . Go to

Â&#x201E; ĂĽ Ă?Ă&#x17E;Ă&#x; Ă¤ ĂŚ Ă&#x153; e a letter to the Rector's _ <e stating /ĂĂšĂąĂ° ĂŽĂĽ money as that she can go and e Ă°Ă rĂ the ĂĄ/ yoĂŚ ĂÂ&#x203A;Â&#x153;Â?e emigrated to Â&#x2122;ĂĽ ĂˇĂŽĂ˛Ă e Careers / ĂľĂśĂˇ ĂŻ e is Ăš ĂŚt ^>_n to pay ĂĽr the lighting 5 system and yoĂŚ Â&#x203A;Â&#x153;Â?e ĂĽn the game.

ĂĽ ĂŁ ĂĽ ĂśĂšĂľĂ°ĂŽ Â&#x2013;Â&#x2014;|Â&#x2DC; ĂľĂŽĂĽĂś Ă¤ ĂŚ Â?Â&#x2018; ĂŽd Â&#x2019; ĂŚĂ Ă° in a Â&#x201C;Â&#x201D;Â&#x201C;Â&#x2022; Ă°. Â&#x2122; e yoĂŚ can Ăš ĂąĂ˛ ĂľÂ&#x161;ĂŻ Ăš ĂľĂ˛Ăˇ e early, yoĂŚ thinĂŠĂŽ o a ĂŚ e ĂŚ e to die o boredom. ĂĽ Â&#x153;Â? Ă¤ ĂŚ Â&#x203A; e lost the game.

ĂŽĂŽĂ ĂĽ ĂżĂż FELIX ĂĂŽĂŽĂĂŻeĂ°Ăą hĂŽ an article Ă¤ ĂŚ Ăž e at the Ă˛ ĂĽ ĂŻ ĂŚ ĂŹ ĂŚ complaining t the y o Ă&#x2DC;Ă&#x2122;Ă&#x161;Ă&#x2DC; getting a Ă&#x17E; Ă&#x203A; light Ă&#x153;Ă?b changed in the Union Ă&#x2013;Ă&#x2014; g and as the FELIX Editor to print it in the next . He

agrees, and s yo to come and help collate. ĂŽ I yo t to help, go to , e most other people, yoĂŚ can't be bothered, go to

ladder in the climbs to Â&#x17E; b in the bbaticals Ă° eĂŚb in by ĂŽ /ĂĽ Ăś ĂŚs o the tasĂŠ

tâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;

cCD

ĂĽ Ă¤ ĂŚ end ĂŽĂŚĂŽp in aĂ° longÂŽ corridor h large 9 Ăą Ăł ĂľĂś s oĂ° ĂŽ ĂľĂ˛ ĂŚĂśĂľ ĂľĂšs Ă˘ĂŁ :d doors. Ă¤ĂĽĂŚ can ĂŚ Ăľ either go t to or right to

change

Ă˛Ă° ĂĂł As yoĂŚ are ĂŠ g p the stairs yoĂŚ tread on a small scre dropped by a carelessĂ Ăelectrician. Ă˛ĂśĂśĂˇ Ăł g at the l to the t o the stairs, ĂĽĂś Ă˛ bottom at the same time as an n ĂŠ Ă !" ĂĽ ĂśĂľĂŻĂľ % carrying a . Ă¤ ĂŚ * ,Ăˇe a nasty # t toĂą$ &r ''Ăľ ) + -. Ă˛ ĂŚ r arm, and an ( ( e is called to ĂŠe ĂľĂŽĂĽĂś e yoĂŚ bleed to death. The yoĂŚ toĂ° hospitalĂ Ă˛ Ă˛ĂłĂŻ Ă˛ĂśĂśĂˇĂľĂš ' , yo ĂŚ e ĂŚ are ĂŚt inside and ĂąĂĽ Ă˛Ăś ĂśĂĂˇĂľ ĂŹ Ăą n at high speed ĂŹs the hospital. En ĂśĂĽ ĂśĂł ĂĽ ĂŚ e to a small dog ĂŚ s ĂŚt in ĂŽĂśĂĽĂł ĂŽ the Ă˛hospital, /ĂĂŻ Ă°Ă˛ĂłĂŻ 12342 ĂŚ e h 0 0, goes t ĂŽo the ĂĽ ĂŚt o control,7and crashes intoĂ°Ăa 'Ă˛ĂśĂŠĂľd car. Ăą ĂłĂłĂľ 89:; Ă˛ ĂˇĂľ d and 6 B , ĂŚt still , yoĂŚ ĂŻĂśĂ˛ l 5ĂŚ => @A C ĂśĂľĂŻ Ă˛Ă´Ăľ n ĂŠ . As yo/ stagger t < m the ? Ăš ĂĽ ĂľĂśĂĂł E F D D , the petrol tanĂŠ explodes, g ĂśĂłĂĂł ĂŽ Ăľ H IJKL I ĂŚ g OĂŚ l G G G e and badly singein %& PQ R => TTU N $ r M M . This distracts yo < m S i WXY Ă° ĂŽ /Ă e yoĂŚ are going, as a ĂśĂľĂš]ĂŚ t o ĂŻh y V [\ >_ n an o. step on a banana Z n and l ^ ĂšĂľ Ăľ WXY r V are eaten a ` manhole into a e yo /a ĂąĂ˛Ăł by ĂŚ t piranha rats. dNot only that, yoĂŚ t cc Ăš also lost the game. b s e this eĂŚ t isn't yip Ă°ĂŻ ĂŚ ĂŠy day.

ĂľĂľ Three BRFSSSC Ă¨Ă¨ ĂĂłĂŽĂĽĂś ĂŠs later, the LHSTTFL s yo that there is Ă¤ĂĽĂŚĂ§ Ă¤ĂŠĂ¤ĂŞĂĽt ĂŤĂŹĂĂŽĂĂŻe to ĂąĂ˛ĂłĂ´ĂľĂś Ă°

Ăš

Ăź

e the necessary ĂˇĂ¸Ăą Ă°ĂşĂˇĂť . Do yo go Ă?Ăž % ĂšĂĽĂśĂśĂĽ s (go to to the bar to Ă˝ Ă&#x153;n $ &r ) or try again (go bacĂŠ to

'ary Secretary

cCD

/Ă˛ ĂĄĂż => Good taste ĂŚ Â? Ă&#x;Â&#x2018; s s < m describing Ă Ă´t yo Ăą see. n to 7 in embarrassment and ĂŹ Ăš ĂŚĂš .

[ÂĽ|

Ă Well ÂŁdone! By an Ă˛ Ă˛Â&#x; Ăłg coincidence / ÂĄ Â˘ %Â¤ Â Â $ y o needed to sign the <>=m Ă˛s Â&#x153; in ĂŽtoday and yo no Â&#x203A; Â?e a completed R27b. ÂŽ ĂĂ° Ăł ĂĽĂśĂą ĂłĂ˛ĂąĂľĂ° Â§Â¨Â¨ÂŠÂŞÂŤ y ÂŚ ÂąÂ˛ ÂłÂ˛ s are Â´Âľ t o ÂŹÂÂŹs and l ÂĽ ĂŚ Ă´ Â&#x153;Â? Ăš +Â° Â&#x203A; e no more ÂŻ ÂŻ ÂŻ e l 5th ÂśĂŚ ĂŚ t 2056, Go to 3 0 .

ĂŽĂľĂ˛Ăą ĂśĂľĂ°ĂľĂš /ĂĂŻ ĂĽ >_ h Ă¤ ĂŚ go ^ n the ĂŚ/ ĂŽĂ sĂ° corridor,

ĂľĂś Ăľ ĂĂ° ĂĂł Â&#x;ĂĂ´Â&#x;Ă˛Ă´ s h the 5 d ĂŚ ĂŹ g past Ăł ĂľĂśĂĽ ÂŽĂ˘ĂŁ9: ĂŚ /ĂŚĂs d doors. Finally yoĂŚ come to a ĂŻ h says 'To The HUB Â&#x192;' Ă¤ĂĽĂŚ can ĂŽsign Ă°Ă° ĂĽĂĽ or go in the opposite the sign to /Ă / Ă° direction, ĂŻh Ăš ĂĽĂŚd bring yoĂŚ to

cCD

Ă°ĂľĂŻĂą Ăś ĂšĂľĂˇĂľĂśĂ˛ /ĂĽ Ăś ĂĽ Ă°ĂľĂ˛Ăˇ l ĂŚ s later Ă¤ ĂŚ Ă e the ĂŚe ĂŻĂĽĂłĂˇ ĂłĂŻĂľ f g ĂĽ d that yo ĂŚ are a . Ă¤ ĂŚ hop along ij ĂĽ _h _h the y and ĂŚt onto Exhibition Road WXY ppqrstopuv Ăś m V e yoĂŚ are ĂŚn kl r by a no . The game is wxyz.

ĂŽ /Ă˛Ă°Ă°ĂĽ Ăľ ĂĽ Ă¤ ĂŽĂŽĂĂŚ enter the d portals o the Union ĂŽ ĂŻĂľ ĂĽĂ°Ă° . A e y lady holding a glass o sherry ĂĽ ĂĽ ĂŽ comes ĂŽ Âš ÂźÂ˝ĂŚt to meet Â&#x2019; ĂŚ. I yoĂŚ are a member o ÂˇÂ¸ ÂşÂť ÂˇÂžl society, go to 23. ÂżÂ&#x2C6;Ă&#x20AC;Â&#x2020;r mortals go to 7. â&#x20AC;˘ . . .4-".'*.-

ĂĽĂś ĂĽ ĂŽ ĂŚ stagger ĂŚĂ°t o the HUB Three s laterÂ&#x20AC; yo ĂŽĂŽĂĂŻĂľ |ĂŚ}~ Â Â&#x201A;Â&#x192; ĂłĂ˛ , { {, n and ĂŚÂ&#x201E; e to remember ĂĽ anything that the Rector's _ <e has ĂŽsaid. ĂŽĂ¤ ĂŚ Ă˛Ăł Ăľ ĂĽ r a Ăľ ĂŹ r home and collapse in bed days to Â&#x2026;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2026;. Feeling better Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x152;? Good, in that case yoĂŚ can no go to /

[ÂĽ] The Editor deliberately loses $%&r article. Do Â? ĂśĂľĂš Ă or Â?Â&#x17D; t ĂŚ t it (go yoĂŚ complain (go to to

ĂŽĂŽĂĂŻĂľ ĂľĂŽĂĽĂś ĂĽ ĂżĂż Ă¤ ĂŚ Ăž e at the HUB , ĂŚÂ&#x201E; t e yoĂŚ Ă&#x201A;rĂ&#x192; vu _ <e demands can say a Ă Ă&#x201E; e Rectors ĂŽĂĽ ÂŁ100,000 in payment rĂŽ the ne lighting system. Ă¤ĂĽĂŚ can either Ă&#x2026; n ĂĽr itĂ&#x2030; (go to ) or Ă&#x17E; try to explain that yo only Ă&#x2020;Ă&#x2021;Ă&#x2C6; Ă&#x160;d a light Ă&#x153;Ă?b changed (go to

Ă&#x2039; Ă&#x152; w

Ă?

r banĂ° Ă?ĂŽ managerĂ Ă&#x17D;Ă? l not eĂŽ this at all and Ăľ ĂĽĂł ĂľĂś Ăł Ăľ yoĂŚ are t /ĂŹ g ho so people can ĂŻ Ă&#x2019;Ă&#x201C;Ă&#x201D;Ă&#x2022;Ă&#x201C; drinĂŠ so ĂŚ . Ă&#x2018; , the Committee Ă&#x17E; decides to Ă&#x2013;Ă&#x2014;Ă&#x2DC;Ă&#x2122;Ă&#x161;Ă&#x2DC;d $%&r case to the light Ă&#x153;Ă?b Ăš Ă&#x203A;ĂŻĂĽ ĂĂąĂąĂľĂľ . Go to ĂŚ

ĂŽĂąĂľ Ă˛ĂĂąĂĂł ĂŽ /ĂĽ Ăś Ăą r g only three ĂŚĂ˛Ăś ĂľĂśs Ăo an ĂŚ , Â&#x153;Â? Ă˛Ă´ĂłĂŽĂĂŻĂľĂł t 12" yoĂŚ Â&#x203A; e been handed a ĂĽ s ĂŽ . It is only slightly cold. Ă¤ ĂŚĂą try Ăł ĂŚ ĂŚ aÂ&#x201A; not to thinĂŠ o Listeria as yo loo at the ĂĄ topping, and$yo Ă Ă°Ă e a slice o onion to Â e Ă´Ă´ !"#e Ăit Ă˛ĂšĂł t Ăś Ăłg o its "n accord. Ă¤ĂĽĂĂąĂŚ do Ăšh the tomato %&'( ĂŽ e had not been ĂŚ e ,, )*+h a Â&#x2030;Ă° Â&#x2030; d shade o grey. ĂĽ ' ĂŻ %& ĂŻĂĽ ĂśĂ˛Ă´ Ă¤ ĂŚ ĂŚ ĂŠ ĂŚp $ r ĂŚĂĂŽ e and attac ĂŠ the 'ĂÂ&#x;Â&#x; Ăł ./0. Both h a plastic ĂŠ e and a 2334567 ĂĽ 9d 1 ĂŽĂ°. Ă¤ ĂŚ 8 e a bite and collapse retching to the ĂĽĂĽĂś. ;<. % 'Didn't yoĂŚ : y $ &r meal, ?sir', is the last > @A ĂľĂˇĂľĂś Ăą/ĂĂł thing yoF remember hearing = e Â&#x2019; g CD G B t E . Go to

Âś

IJKLÂľJ, NOPQORS ĂĽ dM . There is a sign Ă¤ ĂŚ are inV the H Â&#x192; the TU l saying 'To The HUB ' can ĂŽon Ă°Ă° ĂĽĂĽ or go in the opposite the sign (go to direction (go to

cO ÂŁ

B Iâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;

cO CD

Page 20

FELIX

June 21 1989

23 YZ ]^ `ab``n committee [ \ e been Z traipsing _ c r the best part oc the last six meetingsYZ [ are nob sitting in the Union Bar months. ef gZh l. YZ[ d h ten empty pint pglasses YZ in c t oijk`qr no s ]^ \Z e become a m . [ are a dismal xy [ e t] vw c r }~a \[~ n being andYZno longer u Â&#x2026;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2C6; Â&#x2030;y oc z{| | |g this game. [ Â&#x20AC;Â Â&#x201A;e Â&#x192;Â&#x201E; Â&#x2021; Â&#x201E; y lost. End oc Game

_ Q

Â&#x160; a` c Â?rÂ&#x2018;Â&#x2019;a briec g[sh oc adrenalin, Â&#x2039;Â&#x152;Â?r panic and yo[a decide to approach Â&#x17D;Â&#x2022;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x2014;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2022; Â&#x201C;s Â&#x203A;Â&#x153; Â&#x17E; Â ÂĄ YZ the Â&#x201D; Â&#x2DC; Â&#x2122;n Â&#x161; e aÂŁÂŁÂ¤t] [ge sensible Â? Â&#x; . [ go ÂĽ to the Â§ ÂŠ HUB ÂŤ Â˘ e to explain thatÂ°there has been Â´ a ÂŚÂ¨ ÂŞ e and that yoÂŹ only ÂÂŽÂŻ Âąd a light Â˛Âłb

b The ĂŚ\`gcĂ&#x20AC;` dZ _[g`][rg] Ă&#x2039; t Ă&#x20AC; h special responsibilityÂ?c Â?r light _[ _ s tells yo[ that replacement Â? s are e ia yoÂŹ l in ĂŁĂĽĂ¤m Â˝h] g` g`Ă§ g` s [Ă&#x20AC; s the Ă&#x20AC; [ s oc the R27b. This College Secretary, Accommodation Â&#x160;Rector, a a Ă&#x160;^Ă&#x20AC;s`g, ĂŚ]c` y ĂłccĂ&#x20AC;r`g, ĂŚ`r[gĂ&#x20AC; y ĂłccĂ&#x20AC;r`gĂ&#x2039; , r` Finance r and Lassie, the ĂŚ\`gcĂ&#x20AC;` d ĂłccĂ&#x20AC; &&' ' !"#!$ g % ( )l pet cat. s`^` s`^`n Toss a coin Za n times. Ic yo[ get `gb s heads go to 10, \ Ă&#x20AC; e go to 45.

'Industrial society!' cries the sherry lover. Suddenly the door to the President's office crashes opens. There's a slithering sound and the President crawls out leaving a trail of slime behind him. He starts to lick your boots. 'Issss tnere anything we can do for you, oh massster?' he smarms. You explain about the light bulb. 'Oh Goodnessss, how disssasterous. It will be fixed immediately, with the utmost haste.' The Union Office jumps into action. Two hacks asleep in the corner are kicked awake. The whole office grovels its way up to the committee room and the president personally supervises I You have I

Ă&#x2039;

CT+

;<=

40) or to 67 9: s (go to 17)

YZ Â´ [ shob the?Â˛ÂłBb to the shop assistant bI\o A E H replies: 'Mi > @ Ă&#x201D;o era Cn banane'. D F G e JKt Â&#x152;Â? ` r Â&#x2039; r PQphrase boo and Ă&#x160; Ă&#x160;[ e that she had MNO R r parentage. L sÂś`]Ă&#x201D;o Spanish' yo[ say `h[hrĂ&#x20AC;]aĂ&#x20AC;hg 'I no Ă&#x2039;Z Ă&#x2039; Ă&#x201D; Ă?Ă&#x17D; s a Âś]r `t oc Ă&#x152; y p b y and, grabbing oSTU*Vn +s ĂŁĂ¤ĂĽm a nearby WXYZ[, yo[ pretend to Ă&#x2039; be a light _[ _. Â˝ a Ă&#x2039;a The assistant responds by `s Ă&#x20AC;r[ ] Ă&#x20AC;hg bĂ&#x20AC;Ă&#x2039;Ă&#x160;Ă&#x2039;Ă&#x2019;, moaning and contorting her body into ^]gĂ&#x20AC;Z[s Ă&#x160;Ă&#x20AC;cc`g`ht positions, at least three oc b\Ă&#x20AC;rh are biologically impossible. Ă?]^_^`, ]ca`r abo years oc sa[Ă&#x160;Ă&#x2019;Ă&#x20AC;hg Ă&#x201C;aĂ&#x20AC;^e Us \ 8 A b 97c' yoÂŹ are by nob an expert at Charades ` re that Imperial College Union only and Ă&#x160;Â? Ă&#x160;[ Â? a Ă&#x2039; b threads and Ă&#x2019; _[ s Â? s bĂ&#x20AC; h `ct handed Z ascre sĂ&#x20AC;Ă&#x160;e shop only that, needless to say, ĂŚ [ \ Ă&#x2039; ba YZ deĂŞf threads. [ Ă&#x201D; Â˝Ă¨^ s _[_s Ă&#x20AC; h right-handed Ă&#x20AC; e [p and go bac to 30.

ÂšÂš Âź

The Âľ`Âś[ y President ÂˇÂ¸ ÂşÂťy sees the merits Â˝ g`^`gs`s the 'interesting' oc Â&#x2039;Â&#x152;Â?r ]g [t`h Z st and decision oc Âž [ e Committee. Go to 42.

The Rector's ÂżĂ&#x20AC;ceĂ&#x2030; cc`gs a Ă Ă&#x2039;Ă&#x201A;Ă&#x192;Ă&#x201E;Ă d oc Ă&#x2026;1 million Ă&#x2020;Ă&#x2021;r the personZ Ă&#x2C6; o can Ă&#x160;`ZĂ&#x20AC;^`Â˝r yoÂŹ dead or Ă&#x152;Ă?Ă&#x17D;y r` Ă?Ă&#x2018; ]g dead to her ccĂ&#x20AC; . Ă? r _ Ă&#x160;Ă&#x2019; [ Ă&#x160;s are only Ă?Ă&#x2018; Ă?Ă&#x17D; Ă?Ă&#x17D; too happy to oblige her. Ă? r are Ă&#x152; y Ă&#x152; y dead,Ă&#x2039; Â&#x2039;Â&#x152;Â?r epitaph reads 'Nobody crosses HUB and Ă&#x20AC;^`sĂ&#x201C;. ZĂ&#x2039;Ă&#x201D; That's all c s.

YZ ]^ s a [ \ e Ă&#x2022;[ t doneĂ&#x2014;a Ă&#x152;Ă?Ă&#x17D;y s [ÂśĂ&#x20AC;d thing. The ÂŽs still on Ă&#x2013; Ă&#x2DC;n yoÂŹ tried to replace the light Â Ă&#x203A; YZ Ă&#x2039; a Z a Z Ă&#x2039; Ă&#x2039;Z Ă&#x2122;Ă&#x161; Ă&#x2122;. [ \]^e ` `r g r[ `d Ă&#x2019; [gs`c, _ bn Ă&#x153;Ă?Ă&#x153;Ă&#x17E;y c[se in college, and _gZĂ&#x201D;`n the brand Ă&#x2039; YZ neb _[ _, [ are dead. Z Ă&#x2039;This is a terminal Z condition. Ă&#x;Ă ĂĄy c`b Âś` Âś `Ă˘\]^e g`r ^`g`d Ă¤ĂĽ ĂŁ m death and yo[ are not going to be one oc them. aĂ&#x2039; as chairman ĂŚ[_s`Ă§[`hZ Ă&#x2019;, yo[Zare elected aa oc three t]Ă&#x2022; r s[_Ă˘r ttĂ&#x20AC; ``s and go on to Ă?Ă&#x2018; become Union President. Ă? r presidency ais ` r `h acclaimed ĂŹĂŠ as being the most ccĂ&#x20AC; Ă&#x20AC; , Ă¨ĂŠĂŞĂŞĂŤ Ă¨Ă¨ l and enlightened in Union history. h Zga h]a`Ă&#x2039;Ă&#x2019;, the light Â˛ÂłÂ´b still hasn't been ĂŽĂŻĂĂ°ĂącĂ˛ [YZ ]^` a `g` Zg` . [ \ , \ c , lost the game.

34 35 Ă&#x2039; Miracles b Ă&#x20AC; l h`^`r cease.Z The LHSTTFLBRFSSSC has agreed to Âśg ^Ă&#x20AC;Ă&#x160;e yo[ bĂ&#x20AC;ah a light _[Ă&#x2039;_. Will yo[ asĂ&#x201D; the Union to Z gs`Ă&#x2039; Ă&#x201D; replace it (go to 5) or ris doing it Ă&#x2019; [ c (go

You are now in the cpllege system. As you are reading the graffiti (some students are so wacky aren't they?) you notice a small dark dank tunnel leading away at floor level. You can continue down the main tunnel (go to 44), or crawl down the dark tunnel to 61,

You wait for three months for the next House Committee meeting. Your light bulb is item 213b(ii)onthe agenda. Before the meeting you go for a fortifying drink in the Union Bar. You see various members of House Committee swigging spirits from pewter tankards and discussing the previous month's Union General Meeting. Do you buy them drinks (go to 191 or sit in a corner and hope they won't notice you (go to 49)?

YZ [ can agoaZto the Union ĂłccĂ&#x20AC;re (go to 15) or g] attend a [ Ă&#x20AC; l (go to 2)

June 21 1989

FELIX

rjrj i1 h

cCD

piTl

55)?

YZ ÂśZĂ&#x201D; Â&#x152;Â? Z [ e Â&#x2039; r head ]g [hd the efdoor oc the r` PresidentialĂşĂłccĂ&#x20AC; . He's sitting d h his Ă´ĂľĂľt Ăśp Ă¸Ăš , reading a copy oc the ĂťĂźĂ˝Ăž' and Ăˇ on the Â&#x17E;Ăż a gh gZ g tea c m a l . He [ s to yo[ and , 'Get lost! Can't yo [ see I'm in YZ Ă&#x2039; a meeting!'. [ `]^e and n to 7.

i â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

ÂŁ

The Editor accidently loses Â&#x2039;Â&#x152;Â?r article. Do yo[ complain (go to 50) or Ă&#x2022;[st g`s[_tĂ&#x20AC;t it (go to

to 31)?

cO CD

YZ / [ *++l ,-. 01, and decide to get something 45 to eat. Do yoÂŹ go to the Caterpillar 23 i (go to

You are on a long and difficult journey. Do you choose to buy a new bulb from Southside Shop Igo to 29), do you ask at the Union Office (go to 15), or do you risk a visit to Sherfield (gi to 24)?

C7+

changed. Go to 16.

v. u W

td 39

bo \Z[gs later yo[ ]ggĂ&#x20AC;^e home c``Ă&#x2039;Ă&#x20AC;hg `qr`ssĂ&#x20AC;^`Ă&#x2039;y happy and more than a little Ă&#x160;g[hĂ&#x201D;: room! once again Ă&#x2039;ZZthere isÂ&#x152;Â?light in the committee `h^`Ă&#x2039;ZÂśe On the c r oZc Â&#x2039; r room is an addressed to Ă&#x2019; [. Go to 57

Page 25

[¥1 You enter the Caterpillar Caf6 and spend £8.37 on a extra-special super-duper-wondermeal consisting of a curried caterpillar, three lettuce leaves and a piece of garlic bread. After you have eaten this magnificent portion of food, go to 47.

You run panic-stricken down the tunnels. Go to 48.

1 You continue down the brightly lit tunnel past the graffiti until you come to an unlocked high security door. You can go through the door (go to 6) or go back down the tunnel (go to 34).

[¥| Now you know why nobody bothers to help collate. It is incredibly boring and, since the Editor has terminally modified the printer with a misplaced screwdriver, collation continues until 5a.m. Spend a whole day asleep and then go to 38

The light bulb sub-committee (a minor subcommittee chaired by the Deputy President) is due to meet late that evening. In the mean time, do you go to see that night's Hypnosis Lecture (go to 13) or would you prefer something to eat Igo to 251?

[451 Bad luck. Not everyone on the list is in today. Do you want to try again (go to 24) or give up (go to 30)?

y than you were ey say about the Go back to 40

[¥| You stop at the door of the Hon See's Office. You can hear grunting and squealing noises coming from inside. Someone shouts 'Oh no, not the cash register'. You hear a bell. If you pluck up the courage to enter, go to 11. If decency overwhelms you, return to 7.

[49] You arrive at the committee meeting and sit through ten hours continuous discussion before the committee finally reach your light bulb. Someone raises a point of information a vis that you failed to buy them drinks earlier. Therefore, a motion to propose that a sub committee is m set up to investigate the possibility of calling j§ you a 'tight-fisted bastard', is substituted and Do you go and complain to FELIX Igo to 4| or grab a large axe and attempt to 'reason' with the Deputy President (go to 27).

52 You decide to go to Beit Quad. As you arrive you notice a large numbers of builders and electricians standing outside the Union Building. Do you want to go to the Union Office (go to 8) or go to the committee room Igo to 28)?

55 The article appears with the paragraphs in the wrong order under the headline 'Extremely Boring' in the following week's FELIX. Later that day you get a note from the Rector's wife, written in a strong American accent, expressing deep concern over your 'terrible predicament' and suggesting that you pay a visit to the HUB Office immediately. Do you go to the Sherfield building (goto 20) or not (go to 36)?

Page 26

The panic subsides eventually but you decide you can't face the Rector's wife again. You can either hire IC Rugby Club as bodyguards (go to 32) or write a letter to the Rector's wife, explaining the situation (go to 3). 1 of yourself. He listens vg#$ away to write an editorial ir 4^erjfces you as a being 'From the lowest parts of the depths of the pits of the f society, and an arrogant little tosspot to boot.' He also refuses to prim your article in disgust, you decide to go to 36.

The Deputy President looks up from a table of figures and you explain your predicament to him. 'How very interesting,' he replies monotonously, 'We may be able to help you at the next fascinating meeting of House Committee (which is one of our many major subcommittees and is chaired by myself, personally, in a solo capacity on my own). Just fill in all these forms in triplicate using block capitals in green biro and return them to me by five o'clock today.' He hands you two thirds of the Amazon Rain Forest. Do you fill In the forms Igo to 33) or give up as a protest against mass deforestation (go to 30).

56 The Rector's wife kills you and sells your body to Biochemistry for research purposes to help cover her costs.

pa] You find yourself outside the entrance to the HUB Office. You open the door and walk in. The Rector's wife turns to you with a strange fanatical look in her eye. She gestures for you to sitdown. 'So you've been having a bit of trouble with room lighting have you?' she asks. Go to 14.

|~54] You wake up in a hospital bed. Due to hospital overcrowding you are sharing it with three others. At the end of the bed sit the members of the Left Hand Screw Thread Tungsten Filament Light Bulb Replacement Finance SubSub-Sub Committee, LHSTTFLBRFSSSC for short (a completely superfluous sub-committee of Imperial College Union chaired by the Deputy President). They have decided to hold their meeting in the hospital in deference to your condition. Toss a coin. If it lands on heads go to 9, otherwise go to 35.

_57_ You open the envelope. It contains a bill from the HUB Office demanding £100,000 for the installation of the new lighting system. Do you panic a bit (go to 26) or panic a lot (go to 48)

FELIX

You go down the featureless corridor, which zigzags through the Sherfield building past numerous locked doors. Finally you come to a sign which says 'To The HUB Office' You can follow the sign to 6 or go in the opposite direction, which should bring you to 34.

June 21 1989

y o u s h o u l d n ' t let t h e m u n d u l y influence the w a y y o u go about d o i n g things. Every story demands accuracy a n d that y o u speak to all sides o n controversial issues. I've also h a d verbal threats, but n o t h i n g very serious

' What is it like to be an. journalist investigating news stories like the government's abuse of the Data Protection Act or the race for the discovery of the AIDS virus. Steve Connor is a science reporter on the Daily Telegraph, has worked on Computing Magazine and New Scientist and has written books on both of thesfe subjects. Liz Warren went to the Telegraph building to interview hitn. How did you get involved i n journalism? W h e n I left university, I got o n to a graduate training scheme r u n by Haymarket Publishing. This i n v o l v e d both theory a n d practice w o r k i n g o n different magazines. I then w o r k e d o n the technical press published by Haymarket w h i c h was later sold to a D u t c h p u b l i s h i n g house called V N U . After three years there I joined N e w Scientist for six years a n d then m o v e d to the Telegraph.

By far the best tool every journalist has is a telephone. Y o u call whoever you think has the information w h i c h y o u want. If I h a d to put a ratio o n it I think 80 % of m y w o r k is o n the telephone a n d 20% is reading. How do you build up contacts i n the areas that you're interested in? Y o u just d o b u i l d u p contacts. Because y o u speak to a lot of people y o u come across people w h o can give i n f o r m a t i o n a n d are very knowledgeable about their subject. It happens i n a natural w a y . Y o u d o n ' t have to p l y t h e m w i t h drinks or take t h e m for meals, athough sometimes that helps. Sometimes it's difficult to get i n f o r m a ti on but I'm always surprised at h o w people w i l l help the press.

What was it that attracted you to journalism? I d i d a Z o o l o g y degree w h i c h is a n u n u s u a l science because it's more literate than mathematical. I've always enjoyed the w r i t i n g part of science but not the laboratory w o r k . W h e n I left U n i v e r s i t y t h i n k i n g What would you say is the biggest what the hell to do, I felt that rather story you've ever worked on? than d o something b o r i n g that The biggest story I first came across makes a lot of m o n e y , I ' d d o w o u l d be a story w h i c h I wrote w i t h something w h i c h is a bit more risky D u n c a n C a m p b e l l about the and exciting. discovery of the M I 5 computer i n M a y fair. That was a very b i g story for me then because it got picked u p What do you think makes a 'good' by all the nationals a n d o n radio. news story? The impact of that w a s that I That's very difficult. F r o m the suddenly realised that I c ould affect cynical v i e w p o i n t , a g o o d news the news b y what I wrote. M o r e story's one that y o u can sell to y o u r recently, t h e feature f o r N e w news desk but very often some of Scientist about the discovery of the the best news stories d o n ' t get A I D S virus and the row between the passed to the news desk. French and American scientists over w h o discovered it a n d w h o h a d Where do good stories initially proprietorial rights. come from? F r o m absolutely anywhere. There's no set f o r m u l a . Stories can come from talking to people, from reading scientific literature or other newspapers or press releases. Y o u . can't control n e w s . It happens a n d there are angles to w h i c h specialists such as myself can take. If a plane falls out of the sky then the general reporters w i l l be o n to it i n terms of h o w m a n y d e a d , whereas I ' l l be l o o k i n g at it f r o m the angle of w h a t went wrong. How do you actually set about researching a news story once you've got that initial information about it?

June 21 1989

So y o u ' v e never h a d any p h y s i c a l threats? N o t really, n o . There are journalists w h o can have a g u n put to their head or whatever. I've never been i n that position, because I've never really covered that sort of story but events i n C h i n a really do highlight the sort of threats that journalists can come across. Would y o u protect the confidentiality of your sources even i f i t meant b r e a k i n g the l a w , f o r example by holding back documents? W e l l as I u n d e r s t a n d it journalists can protect their sources w i t h o u t breaking the l a w . The short answer to that is that the t w o are n o t necessarily incompatible. I w o u l d protect the confidentiality of m y sources a n d I have to, but I d o n ' t think, at the m o m e n t a n y w a y , the system i n this country is such that y o u have to break the l a w . But y o u have to guard against that situation arising. W o u l d y o u feel it j u s t i f i e d to break the l a w to get i n f o r m a t i o n f o r a story, b y for example b r e a k i n g a n d entering? N o . It is not w o r t h c o m m i t t i n g a crime to get information. There is no need for it. The official secrets act,

w h i c h is n o longer i n force, was quite a blunderbuss i n its approach. By encouraging civil servants to give you information y o u were technically i n breach of it, but that's no longer the case. The n e w bill g o i n g t h r o u g h Parliament is m u c h more sinister i n the sense that by s i m p l y w r i t i n g about things w h i c h the government deems secret y o u w i l l be technically i n breach of the law. W h e n y o u have a government w h i c h is p u t t i n g stringent controls o n the press y o u ' v e got to decide whether it's i n the public interest to p u b l i s h s o m e t h i n g w h i l e at the same time r u n n i n g the risk of prosecution. If there is something w h i c h y o u really do feel is i n the public interest a n d you've convinced y o u r editors a n d they and the p u b l i s h i n g c o m p a n y are w i l l i n g to r u n the risk, then of course I w o u l d p u b l i s h . B u t ultimately it's the publishers and the editors w h o w i l l make that decision. How justified do you think the government is in using legislation to stop the p u b l i s h i n g of 'embarrassing' material? There is a n e e d to protect secrets w h i c h need to be kept for national security. The p r o b l e m is national security has never been defined. It's used as a blanket term to cover anything which could be embarrassing to the government. I think the term really does have to be h a m m e r e d out a n d defined clearly. A n y t h i n g w h i c h is part of national security then obviously has to have classification. I do believe

AS***

Have you ever been warned off a story while you've been researching it? A l l the time. It varies f r o m people w h o s a y , ' d o n ' t write a n y t h i n g yet, because i t ' s going to be a m u c h bigger story'. Generally y o u are talking to people w h o are naive of the w a y the news gathering process w o r k s . They d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d that if there's something i n the public d o m a i n there's n o t h i n g to stop people w r i t i n g about it. But that's very m i l d , that's just naivety. A t times y o u d o get threats of legal action w a r n i n g y o u off publication w h i c h y o u should take seriously but

FELIX

Page 27

there should be more freedom of information in this country. It's the most secretive society in the Western hemisphere. I don't think the replacement of the official secrets act is going to make it any better. Y o u o b v i o u s l y t h i n k B r i t a i n is too secretive. W h e r e d o y o u t h i n k B r i t a i n i s h e a d i n g i n terms o f personal privacy? Personal privacy is always something you can buy, I feel. I hate the idea of personalised junk mail coming through my letterbox. Some people deem their letter box to be a private thing. I also get annoyed at people ringing me up trying to sell me things on the telephone. These are very mild forms of invasions of privacy, they're just annoyances. But there are more sinister forms of invasion of privacy, stemming right up to the trawling of files by agents of the state in order to protect this thing called national security. I'm sure it goes on, in the BBC for example where people have been refused jobs on the grounds that they have something in their past which was detrimental to the government or to society at large. I think it's a very sinister development in society. It's very difficult to define: what is privacy? A r e there a n y subjects y o u w o u l d n ' t research into for political, m o r a l or r e l i g i o u s reasons? I would say as a general rule no. In terms of specifics, I've got absolutely no interest in a football manager's sex life or the private affairs of some

person. I just don't want to do that sort of story. I don't particularly want to read about it either. Apart from that sort of area though there is nothing sacrosanct. D o y o u f i n d that j o u r n a l i s m intrudes o n y o u r private life ? I think increasingly so. It's very difficult to divorce your private life from your professional life because news isn't a nine to five job. Something might happen at twelve o'clock at night and you're rung up and expected to find the story. It especially happens working on a daily national, but I don't think it unduly affects my private life. I still enjoy my private life. W h e n y o u ' r e w r i t i n g do y o u prefer working o n your o w n or c o l l a b o r a t i n g w i t h other people? I prefer writing on my own because you can't write by committee. I have worked with other people and I don't find it that difficult providing you have a professional agreement with the other person. In terms of writing, I always write on my own because I cannot write one paragraph then the other person writes the next paragraph. You can write something and then the other person can add to it and you can see what they've done, but it's twice as much work, not half as much. That's why I prefer doing it on my own. H o w l o n g has it t a k e n y o u to w r i t e a n d research y o u r b o o k s ? The first book took a long time, I think it was about three years. The

AIDS book took a very short time. It took about three months. The reason for that was that Penguin wanted a book on AIDS, they wanted it quickly and we had the information to hand, more or less researched already. For the second edition which has just come out, we were given a bit more time. I think it's improved because of that. D i d y o u concentrate just o n w r i t i n g the b o o k o r d i d y o u d o i t i n y o u r spare time f r o m y o u r job? I had to do it in my spare time, around my job, which was very difficult. I'm not sure whether I will undertake the task again, not in the forseeable future because it's very time consuming and all your holidays and evenings and weekends are taken up. It's very exhausting as well. W o u l d y o u want to w o r k freelance, maybe to give y o u the chance to w r i t e another b o o k ? Not at the moment, no. I've never worked freelance for long periods of time, just odd months here and there. Maybe at some point in the future I will think about it, but for the moment I have no plans. I prefer the security of working full time for an organisation. O n the Record w a s obviously i n c r e d i b l y w e l l researched. D o y o u t h i n k i t w a s rather o f f p u t t i n g i n c l u d i n g that m u c h technical detail i n it? With hindsight I do feel it was a very solid piece of research. I sometimes wonder how easy it was to read and

A threat from within

'On the Record' describes how the introduction of the plastic National Insurance Numbercard could lead to its use as a national identity card. It could then form the skeleton of a national registration system which could severely curtail personal freedom. After experiencing some problems over the security of providing Union cards, Imperial College Union consulted the College on the possibilty of merging computerised library cards with Union cards. This scheme has been shelved because of administrative difficulties.

Who have been your role models? I don't think I have any really. There are investigative journalists whom I admire, David Leigh on the Observer who's done incredibly good stories. But there are a lot of good reporters on Heet Street. Andy Veitch, for example, the Guardian medical correspondent is very good. Often on New Scientist I would be covering stories which he had covered and he would leave very few angles for me to do for a weekly magazine. So he is a good reporter. I don't really have role models. I think role models are quite dangerous. What do you feel should be the image of science that national dailies should present? Talking of role models, look at the New York Times and Washington Post: they cover science exceedingly well. They have no embarrasment whatsoever about putting an important but technically difficult story on the front page. Newspapers in this country tend to shy away from science and technology. It's changing, but it's a constant battle to convince news editors that science is important because I think they feel, and maybe the general public feels, that science isn't important, that it's too esoteric and not entertaining enough. Do y o u think the p u b l i c ' s perception, as fuelled by newspapers, is that scientists are a l l little men in white coats? There is this element that either they are mad or they are evil. The 1950's science fiction approach to scientists is finally being buried. But if you mention a scientist to most people their eyes glaze over. It's an uphill struggle. A l l we can do is keep writing the stories and throwing them at the news desk and hoping that they get in.

A global College-wide registration system such as this would have allowed the linking of information on courses, examination results, personal tutors' reports, non-payment of hall and course fees and, perhaps most disturbing of all, could have led to monitoring social activities and political affiliations through offering computerised mailing lists to clubs' members on providing members Union Card numbers.

Page 28

how many people were that keen on wading through that amount of material. For me it was a bit of an experiment because it was my first large project. Because Duncan Campbell with whom I wrote it had already done several books, he more or less took the lead in it. To a great extent it was his book rather than mine. I don't think I would do it the same way again if I had the chance. I would want to make it a bit lighter and easier to read. I think it was a bit solid.

What do you think the public's perception of journalists is? Probably not very high: grubby men in grubby coats. Most people read the tabloids and they have a lot to answer for. But working on the Telegraph I can't really see many grubby people around.

FELIX

June 21 1989

The Subterranean Avengers H e took his hat off a n d put it back o n again. The U m b r e l l a S q u a d leapt into action. Upton-Park pointed out each member i n t u r n . There was a short chubby l a d y armed w i t h one of those spring-loaded folding u m b r e l l a s w h i c h o p e n at the slightest provocation; a military looking m a n w i e l d i n g a short heavy umbrella b u i l d like a club; a n d , the most lethal of all, a city gent carrying a l o n g p o i n t e d bayonet-like brolly underneath his a r m . ' W e brought a job lot of brollys second h a n d f r o m the Bulgarian E m b a s s y , ' explained Upton-Park.

Alex Upton-Park is something major in the City: one of those people w h o appears with monotonous regularity on television and radio to talk about RPIs a n d balances of payments. H e has spent all his w o r k i n g life i n the City where he started as somethingj u n i o r - t o - s o m e o n e - m i n o r almost twenty years ago. This is the public face of A l e x Upton-Park C i t y m a n . But there is more to h i m than this, for A l e x Upton-Park is the founder a n d g u i d i n g light of the mysterious commuter group "The Subterranean Avengers'. To find out more, I agreed to meet U p t o n - P a r k o n e l u n c h t i m e at Embankment Station. I was to carry a copy of the Telegraph u n d e r one arm a n d a copy of Time O u t u n d er the other. I felt schizophrenic. A t one thirteen precisely he appeared, his large bowler hat all but covering his eyes a n d c a r r y i n g a l o n g umbrella. H e rushed across the station to shake me by the h a n d . 'Hallo! Upton-Park's the name, of M i d b a r c l l o y d de Z o e t t West Merchant B a n k , ' his voice d r o p p e d to less than a whisper, ' y o u ' r e f r o m the newspaper?'. I n o d d e d . H e gestured towards a nearby l u m i n o u s green plastic seat. W e both sat d o w n . ' T h e o t h e r s , ' he w h i s p e r e d , glancing nervously around, ' w i l l be along i n a m i n u t e . ' A train arrived. The passengers squeezed like grey toothpaste onto the platform a n d forced their w a y up the stairs a n d out into the fresh, clean carbon-monoxide o n w h i c h L o n d o n e r s thrive. S u d d e n l y U p t o n - P a r k stood u p . H e l o o k e d u p a n d d o w n the platform, apparently scrutinising every face. ' T h e y ' r e h e r e ! ' he announced mysteriously, 'the interview may commence.' I took out m y notepad a n d p e n , sharpened m y cliches, took a deep breath a n d asked the question w h i c h had been irritating me all day: ' W h a t exactly are the Subterranean Avengers?' U p t o n - P a r k l o o k e d at me w i t h contempt. I was obviously not i n the k n o w . ' W E , ' he emphasised the word, 'are the ORIGINAL commuter protection organisation. F o r o v e r a decade, W E h a v e patrolled the Underground: protecting the h u m b l e commuter f r o m the dregs of society, fighting for what is right and what is British.

June 21 1989

O n e for all and all for one!' H e stood to attention and saluted. I pretended I w a s n ' t there. A l l a r o u n d me, people h i d inside their newspapers, or started reading the w a l l posters. It's a universal language, they were all saying 'never seen h i m before'. Upton-Park h u m m e d the National A n t h e m a n d sat d o w n . ' W h y m e ?' I thought. U p t o n - P a r k p u t his patriotism away a n d continued. ' O u r p r i m a r y task is to prevent trouble. N o w I k n o w K u n g - L u d o and all that is very p o p u l a r w i t h these G u a r d i a n A n g e l s , but it just isn't very British. Too direct. Too foreign. W e w o r k by forcing any potential trouble makers off the trains before they can do a n y t h i n g ' . A s if one cue, a train arrived a n d U p t o n - P a r k j u m p e d o n board. I followed. W e were i n a fairly standard carriage, s u r r o u n d e d b y graffiti, adverts for t e m p i n g agencies a n d ' P o e m s o n the U n d e r g r o u n d ' . U p t o n - P a r k managed to get a seat. I h a d to stand. 'See that m a n , ' he p o i n t e d w i t h his umbrella, 'that's Jim Snaresbrook. H e w i l l be the " t a r g e t " for this demonstration.'. Snaresbrook was a small w i m p i s h m a n carrying a copy of the Times. H e was apparently t r y i n g to d o the crossword. 'Say, the target looks as if he is about to cause an incident, the A v e n g e r i n charge, k n o w n as "District Line Information", will

signal to others present that there is g o i n g to be an attack. L i k e t h i s . ' U p t o n - P a r k hit the roof twice w i t h his umbrella and l o o k e d l o n g a n d h a r d at Snaresbrook. A tall m a n at the far e n d of the carriage started to weave through the c r o w d . H e stopped just behind the unfortunate target. 'This is stage one,' U p t o n Park i n f o r m e d me, "The lanky f e l l o w is f r o m the C r o s s w o r d squad'. F r o m where I was s t a n d i n g I could just hear the two m en. The tall m a n was leaning over the shorter m a n ' s shoulder. ' N o , ' he was saying, 'six d o w n is definitely w r o n g . S e v e n across is o b v i o u s l y " s e r a g l i o " . G o d , I c o u l d d o this puzzle w i t h m y eyes c l o s e d . . . ' H e had a w h i n i n g , patronising voice of the sort y o u w o u l d n ' t inflict o n your worse enemy. H e seemed to be able to talk without m o v i n g his teeth. Upton-Park explained. The Crossword Squad apparently receives early copies of every newspaper a n d a h i g h l y trained team s p e n d m u c h of the early m o r n i n g s o l v i n g t h e m . Copies of the solutions are t h e n sent to the d u t y members w h o are u n d e r orders to memorise a n d destroy them. This valuable information can then be used to irritate people to the point of distraction. Upton-Park s w u n g his umbrella i n a tight circle above his head a n d the Crossword Squad w i t h d r e w . 'Stage T w o , ' he told me, 'is the umbrellas.'

FELIX

They advanced on the unfortunate target, barging through the u n s e e i n g c r o w d s . W i t h i n seconds, he was s u r r o u n d e d . The actual attack was a short as it was vicious. I hardly saw what h a p p e n e d . There was a b o i n g , a c r u n c h , a t h u d , two gurgles a n d a h o w l of p a i n . N e x t t h i n g I saw was Snaresbrook d o u b l e d u p as his attackers lost themselves again i n the c r o w d . 'If stages one a n d two fail, we have to resort to our last resort. The most hideous form of mental torture k n o w n to m a n . The W a l k m e n . O b s e r v e . . . ' . U p t o n - P a r k stood u p , stamped his foot a n d sat d o w n again. I began to hear a t h u d d i n g hissing Sound. Dum-di-di-dum-di-di. I l o o k e d around. A l m o s t everyone i n the carriage seemed to be w e a r i n g a w a l k m a n . T h ey were all s l o w l y turning u p the volume. 'Stage three, level o n e , ' U p t o n - P a r k i n f o r m e d me. H e stood u p again and stamped his foot twice. The w a l k m e n owners started to h u m . It was a tuneless sort of h u m , closer to a m o a n or a w h i n e . It became louder a n d louder, more persistent a n d more irritating. M y head started to ache. In the m i d d l e of it all, the target was trembling. ' L e v e l t w o , ' U p t o n - P a r k shouted above the din. 'The W a l k m a n Squad have never ever h a d to go above a level t w o . But, if p u s h e d we w i l l resort to level three, our final, desperate ultimate deterrent. Watch!'. H e grabbed two ceiling straps a n d d i d a f o r w a r d roll i n m i d air: a difficult manoeuver i n a c r o w d e d tube train. The effect was s u d d e n , frightening and unforgettable. S u d d e n l y the w a l k m e n owners all started to sing. It was the worst

Page 29

The Subterranean Avengers m e d l e y i n recorded history. 'I s h o u l d be so lucky, l u c k y . . .Galileo, Figaro, Beelzebub has a d e v i l . . .Rock me A m a d e u s . . . c h i c k e n i n the air, stick a deckchair u p . . . ' It was sickening, terrifying a n d all totally off key. The train p u l l e d into a station and I j u m p e d out. M y head ached, m y ears ached. Parts of me I d i d n ' t k n o w I h a d ached. In the m i d d l e of it all I c o u l d just see the c r u m p l e d figure of the target. H e had collapsed. H e d i d n ' t seem to be m o v i n g or breathing. H e was curled u p into a b a l l , l y i n g a m i d the o l d crisp packets, drink cans a n d other people's copies of the S u n o n the floor of the t r a i n . The doors closed a n d the train clattered away. ' S o r r y . S h o u l d have w a r n e d y o u about that.' I heard U p t o n - P a r k ' s voice. H e was standing just b e h i n d me, smirking. ' W h a t d i d y o u think?' ' M o r t i f y i n g ! I don't think anyone deserves that.' ' W e l l if y o u ask m e , the blighters deserve whatever's coming to them. This used to be a decent railway. N o trouble makers, no hooligans, no graffiti. A l l w e w a n t is a return to the g o o d o l d days. ' O f course, w e s e l d o m even have to go as far as Stage one. O f t e n we try to frighten the troublemakers away before they even get o n trains. In fact, most of the worst buskers w o r k for u s . A g o o d attack of "Streets of L o n d o n " is usually enough.' There was still one t h i n g that w o r r i e d me. H o w o n earth d o they tell if someone is g o i n g to cause trouble? I asked U p t o n - Park. 'It takes m a n y years of practice. There are certain types of people. People w h o are not quite n o r m a l like us: w h o d o not respect the great British traditions, o u r customs, o u r w a y of l i f e ' . H e started to h u m the National Anthem again. I interrupted h i m . 'People w h o d o not stand for the N a t i o n a l A n t h e m , ' he s n a p p e d . 'I t h i n k these people are parasites o n society. T h a t ' s the difference between us a n d that other g r o u p , the so-called G u a r d i a n A n g e l s . W e stand for w h a t ' s r i g h t ! ' A train arrived, Upton-Park j u m p e d o n board a n d clattered away to his wife a n d 1.8 children i n Surbiton.

Page 30

This may be considered offensive It was w i t h great sadness that I learnt, last week, about the decision, by council, to change the nature of the editorial control over the Rag M a g . This w i l l drastically change the w a y i n w h i c h the R a g M a g is perceived b y students a n d w i l l , i n d u e course, affect the Imperial College R a g M a g ' s ability to sell itself, a n d I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e ' s notoriety amongst Britain's other students. The changes were deemed necessary to avoid the bad publicity i n the press, a n d future threats of legal action as have been received this year, a n d i n previous years. H o w e v e r , no clean u p action w i l l be effective against the increasingly reactionary students movement. T h e R a g M a g i s , after a l l a publication w h i c h is circulated o n behalf of I C students, a n d as editor I w o u l d have expected anyone w i t h i n C o l l e g e w h o f o u n d it offensive to be the first to react, since a substantial n u m b e r were sold here l o n g before the rest of the country h a d a sniff. Indeed the entire incident is the result of a w r i t t e n c o m p l a i n t f r o m one U n i v e r s i t y (Keele) a n d hence its A r e a N U S , a n d unsubstantiated rumour circulated i n The Times H E S that we were to be prosecuted under the Race Relations A c t . The changes themselves are; the i n c l u s i o n of a ' T h i s m a y be considered o f f e n s i v e ' w a r n i n g o n the cover, a section p r i n t e d o n blue paper containing jokes w h i c h are offensive to a ' n o r m a l ' person, a n d expanding the censorship committee. The w a r n i n g o n the cover is not g o i n g to hurt the Rag M a g too m u c h , i n fact it w i l l increase sales by a significant amount, so I a m not w o r r i e d about this. It nevertheless shows the unqualified and m i s g u i d e d v i e w s w h i c h the supporters of the doctrine h o l d . If they seriously believe that this ' w e l l we d i d w a r n y o u ' approach is going to stop people writing to Union newspapers a n d the President, to c o m p l a i n , then they have no idea h o w these types of people react. They are people w h o want to find Rag Mags, newspapers, television, etc offensive, they u p h o l d the rights of individuals to have freedom f r o m so-called persecution, w h i l s t they crucify others for exercising freedom of speech. These people w i l l react i n the same w a y to the blue section, a n d although they w i l l be w a r n e d not to read it if they are ' n o r m a l ' , w h o can resist forbidden fruit, and again they are not g o i n g to r e f r a i n f r o m

c o m p l a i n i n g . A n y w a y , what is a n o r m a l person? A l l of this pales into insignificance if the third change works i n the w a y it is intended to. The addition of the W o m e n ' s Officer, a n Overseas' Students Rep, a Religious Rep, a n d a H o m o s e x u a l Rep, I think is the final nail i n the coffin for the IC Rag M a g we all k n o w a n d love. I d o not say this because I want a bigoted and ultra-offensive Rag M a g , far f r o m it, I b e l i e v e ba l a n c e i n h o u m o u r is the important factor. V i r t u a l l y every joke o n Earth plays on somebody's misfortune or their position as a social minority of some sort, i n fact, most of these jokes originate f r o m w i t h i n these groups themselves. Let's face it, the best Y i d d i s h jokes are told by Jews. Nazis, Arabs and the National Front merely go out a n d k i l l t h e m . H u m o u r always w o r k s as a w a y of defusing social tension. I reluctantly accept that i n principle a censorship committee is necessary, to sometimes provide an alternative perspective for the e d i t o r . B y specifically i n t r o d u c i n g ' m i n o r i t y ' interests onto a committee that should be objective and representative of the populace, one replaces balance w i t h banality. It is a fact that everyone gets a thrill by being shocked. I think it is important to appreciate the type of people that w i l l react to publication, naturally they are i n positions of p o w e r i n their U n i o n s , but are representing the feelings of their members? I have sold several h u n d r e d rag mags this year, i n total 4,500 have been distributed, w e have received two written complaints and two verbal

complaints. Yet dozens of ordinary students country-wide have enthusiastically bought I C Rag Mags o n the strength of previous issues (notably not last years). A n d people r u s h e d after us to b u y copies w h e n their friends showed them what was available. C o m m e n t s received i n c l u d e d : 'It h a d better be an improvement o n the shit our U n i o n puts o u t . ' I appreciate that it is the JC Rag M a g , and that the IC Rag committee have r e c o m m e n d ed the changes, and that the IC President has received complaints, but w h o has sold the past four or five editions of the R a g M a g ? It's the C C U ' s particularly R C S U Rag. If IC Rag don't like the content let the C C U ' s be a front for the Rag M a g , a n d operate t h r o u g h I C Charity Rag. The article written i n The Times by the N U S V i c e President even went as far as to question the need for rag mags, a n d by implication Rag, as a fund-raising machine, and h o p e d for the fund-raising needs of the w o r l d to be met by mega-events such as C o m i c Relief, a n d L i v e A i d . M e g a events raise m o n e y for mega charities, little events raise m o n e y for little charities. Let everyone raise what they can, h o w ever they can. It has been s h o w n i n the past that there is a market for IC Rag M a g s and their ilk (such as the M e d i c a l School editions), we have the largest geographic sales, let us pander to the market. I C s h o u l d not k n u c k l e u n d e r to the b u l l y boys 'levellers' w h o dictate h o w we s h o u l d think, we are free spirits a n d s h o u l d not play l a p - d o g to the N U S a n d its cronies! David Williams, on behalf of RCSU Carnival Committee.

the

Dave Williams battles against the Rag Chairman

FELIX

June 21 1989

Will the real Bill Goodwin please stand up? Who is this Bill Goodwin guy anyway? What did he do i n his year as FELIX Editor, and what was he like to work for? Staff member and FELIX Business Manager Liz Warren investigated the man behind the cat and reviews his achievements. Bill G o o d w i n has been described as shy and u n a s s u m i n g . It is certainly true that he has not h a d a h i g h public profile i n his year as F E L I X Editor. People c o m i n g into the FELIX Office for the first time almost always end up addressing someone other than Bill. O f course this could be due to his consummate skill i n delegating all work to his staff to avoid d o i n g any himself. He has h a d a v a r i e d a n d interesting 'career' at C o l l e g e , i n c l u d i n g being i n Q T S o c a n d i n d u l g i n g his taste for d o i n g very o d d a n d pointless things a n d standing for the post of U n i o n President and becoming President Elect for approximately 48 hours, only to be disqualified. It's nice to see that he has finally managed to fulfil both ambitions by s w a p p i n g jobs w i t h this year's president for a week. Despite his attempts at anonym i ty , he has become well k n o w n amongst certain parts of IC, namely those people he has annoyed this year. These are too numerous to mention but number m u c h of the College hierarchy, several heads of Union Office departments, sabbaticals, various U n i o n hacks

If's lonely at the top.

and several religious, social a n d over-dramatic societies. The sad aspect of this for Bill is that he rarely intended to annoy any of these people a n d that most of the people he deliberately set out to enrage have failed to react i n any w a y . A n o t h e r characteristic Bill has become r e n o w n e d for is his stout defence of F E L I X and the freedom of the press against all comers. In fact he sems to have spent a lot of this year d e f e n d i n g various freedoms: the freedom to be bored senseless by U G M s , the freedom for S T O I C , IC Radio (Commerical Free) and F E L I X to determine their o w n content without interference f r o m capitalist bourgeois exploiters (sorry, Sydney Harbour-Bridge)...I think it w o u l d do Bill some g o o d to go and r e m i n d himself of the poster the F E L I X Printer, D e a n , has h a n g i n g by the litho: 'The freedom of the press is controlled by those w h o w o r k the presses'. Fortunately Bill can operate the litho himself a n d this has p r o v e d very useful w h e n p r i n t i n g the front page at one o'clock i n the m o r n i n g . Something that the staff w i l l remember Bill for is his perfectionism. This has deteriorated

over the year as he has been forced to realise that he c a n n o t d o everything to the standards he w o u l d like without forcing himself and his staff to take no sleep at all. H e has b e c o m e k i n d h e a r t e d e n o u g h to allow us all to go home for four hours sleep a week. This l i g h t e n i n g of attitude has not permeated as far as the news pages. Bill w i l l insist o n writing every w o r d himself, insist that he has to write fifteen stories to fill two pages a n d then discover (by this time it is m i d n i g h t o n T h u r s d a y , a n d the collators have finished the rest of F E L I X a n d are fretting for the front page) that there's only space for half of them a n d that he need not have written t h e m all. A n o t h e r of B i l l ' s endearing (?) qualities is his boundless pessimism. ' W e ' l l never get it ready on time' he will mutter gloomily o n Tuesday afternoon only to find o n W e d n e s d a y m o r n i n g that the newspaper fairy has mysteriously arrived i n the night a n d pasted u p all but three pages. The only reason F E L I X is late is his aforementioned obsession w i t h n e w s . E n o u g h of that. The F E L I X Office has been a very exciting place to work this year because Bill's style of 'management' has been to encourage all the staff to d o whatever interests them most and allow them to use some of the more technical pieces of machinery. This has made w o r k i n g i n the F E L I X Office educational as well as f u n .

June 21 1989

FELIX

Bill w o u l d admit that this strategy was as m u c h out of necessity as design as he started the year w i t h only three regular members of staff f r o m the previous year. The strain of p r o d u c i n g his freshers' issue nearly single-handedly has taken its toll. A p p a r e n t l y there was a time w h e n Bill was calm a n d organised and the Office was tidy. The staff w h o have joined since the start of this year can only believe this to be a piece of misreporting and a factual inaccuracy. Bill has also been d r a w n into one of the favourite comforts of many previous Editors: alcohol. H e is reputed to have begun the year as a sober and abstemious soul but was gradually led d o w n the slippery slope of indulgence. H e is believed to have been corrupted chiefly by his Business Manager, but she claims he was quite corrupt w h e n she first met h i m and d i d n ' t need any help at all. B ill has vague memories of the many embarrassing acts he has committed whilst under the influence this year, but the fact that he is editing this article means they w i l l remain u n p u b l i s h e d . A t least for n o w . . . Seriously, Bill has been a great person to w o r k w i t h : encouraging, enthusiastic a n d only occasionally a miserable sod. The FELIX Staff wish h i m good luck as he leaves to become a real journalist and breathe a sigh of relief that they can get r i d of h i m at last.

Page 31

s most academic departments collaborated b y cancelling lectures a n d tutorials. Before the lobby, Chairman of the Conservative Party, M P Peter Brooke p u t f o r w a r d the G o v e r n m e n t ' s point of v i e w to the College. H e a r g u e d that loans w o u l d increase access to higher educataion, reduce pressure o n the parental contribution.

In late January, there was m u c h uproar w h e n both the N a t i o n a l U n i o n of Students ( N U S ) a n d the U n i v e r s i t y of L o n d o n U n i o n ( U L U ) p u l l e d out of a n anti loans march scheduled for the first of February, believing that they d i d not have the resources to organise the march safely. Imperial College U n i o n soon f o l l o w e d suit. T h e organisation of the m a r c h w a s taken over b y members of the Federal Campaigns Committee (FCC), a n informal group set u p by the U L U Presidents Council, and went ahead as planned w i t h o u t incident.

Jan: The UGM to end all UGMs.

Abolition defeated by 150 votes.

O p p o n e n t s of the scheme argue will discourage that loans educational participation b y disadvantaged groups, w o m e n a n d mature students and they argue that 'top u p loans' are a pre cursor to abolishing grants altogether. Marches The prospect of student loans even aroused the anger of students at Imperial College. A n anti loans lobby f o r m e d itself a n d operated

u n d er the umbrella organisation 'water polo club.' T h e lobby presented a n Emergency G e n e r a l M e e t i n g of the U n i o n w i t h a motion m a n d a t i n g the U n i o n Executive to present a petition against loans to a Parliamentary lobby i n January a n d calling for the U n i o n to organise a half day strike, subject to approval by departmental ballot. O v e r 170 students turned u p to the lobby a n d , w i t h the support of the Rector and the Governing Body,

ULU President resigns

Page 32

B e i j i n g massacre

The troubles i n C h i n a i n June sparked waves of sympathy f r o m students i n L o n d o n . A c c o r d i n g to police estimates, 4000 t u r n e d u p to a candlelit vigil outside of the C h i n e s e embassy to p a y their respects to the 7000 students k i l l e d i n the Beijing massacre. Earlier o n the same day the N U S organised a demonstration attended b y 1000 students. T h e Imperial delegation placed a wreath o n the 'martyrs for freedom memorial' a n d presented a petition of 756 signatures (including B o p against Baker the Rector Professor Eric A s h ) calling for a n e n d to the violence i n In February Imperial College C h i n a to embassy officials. U n i o n joined i n a n N U S N a t i o n a l M e a n w h i l e , students at Imperial Education S h u t d o w n i n protest to signed 432 letters w h i c h were loans. T h e s h u t d o w n culminated delivered to S i r Geoffrey H o w e w i t h 800 students gathering outside calling for the British G o v e r n m e n t the Department of Education a n d Science (DES). A s part of the to openly c o n d e m n the actions i n C h i n a . The College, for its part, set protest, the L o n d o n School of u p a h a r d s h i p f u n d f o r Chinese Economics canceled lectures a n d students w i t h collection boxes organised a ' B o p against Baker', placed i n refectories for U n i v e r s i t y College o r g a n i s e d a contributors. picket of the College's entrances, a n d a n ' O v e r d r a f t ' disco, K i n g s College organised a m a i l blockage, G e o l o g y cutbacks whilst catering staff at Thames Polytechnic staged a one day strike. The University Grants A t Imperial, M P Bernie G r a n t spoke Committee's ( U G C ) decision to to 50 students i n the U n i o n lounge downgrade the Geology w h i l e p o o l a n d table f o o t b a l l department i n January p r o v o k e d a tournaments were held a n d strong reaction f r o m members of information sheets were distributed. staff w h o claimed that the U G C h a d The u n i o n w a s disappointed that, used unfair criteria w h e n m a k i n g because of a l o w t u r n out at the their assessment. previous N U S M a r c h , the College The department h a d been told to h a d refused to rearrange lectures. lose 10 academic staff a n d 13 n o n In M a r c h , the N U S staged its final anti loans march w h i c h w a s supported b y the Association of U n i v e r s i t y Teachers a n d Imperial College. O v e r 35,000 students f r o m all over the country formed a t w o mile procession, severely disrupting L o n d o n ' s traffic.

June: 4000 gathered for a candlelit vigil in remembrance of the massacred Chinese students in Beijing, i

no regard f o r the U L U vice presidents. In a n interview w i t h the Times Educational supplement, M r Jackson said that he h a d resigned because of friction w h i c h had arisen because of his right w i n g views i n a left w i n g student's u n i o n . ' B e i n g a Conservative i n student politics is like being a fox at a beagle h u n t ' h e said.

F r o m external politics to internal politics. January saw the resignation of U L U President, Stewart Jackson f o l l o w i n g a n a r r o w l y defeated vote of n o confidence i n December. M r Jackson's resignation f o l l o w e d accusations that h e h a d taken n o action to support the anti loans marches, h a d failed to provide briefings f o r members of the Executive Senate, a n d that he h a d

FELIX

academic staff a n d to reduce its a n n u a l undergraduate intake f r o m 45 to 32 b y October 1989. T h e cutbacks are likely to lead to the department h a v i n g to axe four year courses a n d to reduce the n u m b e r of options available to second year geologists f r o m 7 to 3. A cadem ics i n the department were critical of the U G C ' s alleged use of the Science Citation Index as a means of assessing the quantity of research at Imperial. They argued that the index does not take into account many of the journals w h i c h p u b l i s h the w o r k f r o m a p p l i e d G e o l o g y D e p a r t m e n t s s u c h as Imperial. They also pointed out that m u c h of the w o r k carried out is for industry a n d hence is not available for o p e n publication. Professor

M c C o n n e l l , regional

June 21 1989

s at £42,000, one of o n l y three i n the w o r l d , w h i c h was taken f r o m the R o y a l School of M i n e s i n A p r i l . Further thefts f o l l o w e d o n a n almost w e e k l y basis, baffling the College Security service. Despite sightings, police vigils, a near arrest and descriptions b e i n g circulated around the departments the thieves continued unabated. The College Security Chief, Geoff Reeves said that the thefts were made possible by staff a n d students leaving back door entrances to departments o p e n . The problem w a s eventually solved w h e n security fitted magnetic locks to the departmental fire doors. April: Members ofIC Christian Union were caught in the Alton Towers disaster. ichairman of the Earth Science Review Committee retorted that the U G C ' s assessment was primarily based o n a ' b i d ' i n w h i c h the department outlined its plans for the next ten years. O n e of the recurrent themes this year has been the w i d e s p r e a d theft of computer equipment f r o m the College. The thefts have cost the College insurers well over £130,000. Computer bonanza The Rectors £6,000 I B M computer was amongst the first to go f r o m the Electrical Engineering Department in July. It was closely f o l l o w e d by an I B M Landmark Computer valued

The U G M battle A l l hell broke lose i n January w h e n Imperial College U n i o n C o u n c i l voted to abolish U n i o n G e n e r a l Meetings ( U G M ' s ) a n d t u r n itself into the supreme decision m a k i n g b o d y . The m o t i o n was put f o r w a r d as a concession to St M a r y ' s Medical School U n i o n w h o argued that Imperial's UGM's were unrepresenatative because they were unable to attend. The move w a s vigorously opposed i n the pages of F E L I X , a n d F E L I X i n conjunction w i t h I C Radio m o u n t e d a College w i d e 'say n o to no say' poster c a m p a i g n . O v e r 600 people t u r n e d u p to the meeting, i n c l u d i n g a delegation of over 200 students from St M a r y ' s i n one of the best attended meetings for several years. U n i o n President,

April: A dinosaur caught terrorising tourists in the Natural History Museum—a j publicity stunt to publicise the museums exhibition of robotic dinosaurs. N i g e l Baker argued that there was no other w a y for the U n i o n ' s to m e r g e , o t h e r t h a n to a b o l i s h U G M ' s . This was countered b y U n i o n life member, D a v e Parry, w h o p o i n t e d out that the College w o u l d be unlikely to accept some of the ramifications of the m o v e . "The U n i o n is the collective voice of students. W i t h o u t U n i o n officers directly reporting to its members the U n i o n w i l l become d i v o r c ed f r o m the people it represents' he said.

n o w d i s b a n d e d sports s h o p . The deal is set to earn the U n i o n i n excess of £12,000 per a n n u m . A t the b e g i n n i n g of the year the Careers service budget was cut back by £10,000. This coincided w i t h an extra £10,000 for a n e w secretary for the H U B office, r u n by the Rector's wife, Clare A s h . The move p r o v i d e d leverage for the U n i o n to persuade the College to pay f o r a part time Welfare Adviser. The U n i o n pointed out that After fierce debate, the m o t i o n the H U B Office secretary h a d been was taken to the vote a n d defeated appointed despite the College policy of not replacing staff w h e n they by 150 votes. leave. St M a r y ' s President, P h i l D r e w , questioned whether the m o t i o n was O r i g i n a l l y the U n i o n p l a n n e d to representative. share the adviser with U L U but after 'IC has to look f o r w a r d a n d stop a m o n t h of inactivity i n October, U L U rejected the idea saying that sticking i n the m u d , ' he said. the time scale for introduction of the adviser w a s 'unfeasible a n d Welfare fares well unrealistic.' In many w a y s , the year has h e l d Imperial decided to 'go it alone' some notable achievements for the and by January Y v e Posner, former U n i o n . I n October, the U n i o n Islington C o u n c i l Welfare Officer signed an agreement w i t h Student was appointed to the post. Travel Agents (STA) to p r o v i d e them w i t h an outlet i n the site of the

N E W S May: Hundreds of students are turned away from a lecture by Professor Stephen Hawking famous for his work on imaginary time.

June 21 1989

FELIX

Page 33

y o There are some obvious financial advantages to spending the summer at home, however temporary jobs i n L o n d o n tend to be better p a i d so y o u might e n d u p saving more by staying L o n d o n or b y g o i n g to another area where there is better - W i l l I be able to get a job? - S h o u l d I stay i n L o n d o n or go p a i d e m p l o y m e n t . home -If I d o n ' t w o r k can I c l a i m any C l a i m i n g H o u s i n g Benefit over the Benefit? Summer - C a n I c l a i m H o u s i n g Benefit if I ' m A n y o n e claiming H o u s i n g Benefit at working? present w i l l k n o w that their claim w i l l be closed at the e n d of the The a i m of this article is to look at s u m m e r t e r m . T h i s is because the the different options available a n d assessment of a student claim only w h a t they i n v o l v e . applies to the ' p e r i o d of s t u d y ' . O n c e the S u m m e r term finishes ' S u m m e r i n the c i t y ' or at home? most students w i l l have completed Some students o n l y rent their their studies for the year a n d are no accommodation during the longer i n receipt of 'student income' academic year a n d tend to return to (usually an L E A grant) a n d i n order stay w i t h their parents over the to continue to receive H o u s i n g S u m m e r. Others w i l l be keeping o n Benefit a n e w c l a i m w i l l have to be their accommodation i n order to m a d e based o n t h e s t u d e n t ' s continue l i v i n g there into the next circumstances over the s u m m e r . academic year. If y o u w i l l be leaving y o u r current address at the e n d of There are three situations i n t e r m a n d are u n d e c i d e d about w h i c h a student might c l a i m H B where to s p e n d the s u m m e r y o u over the s u m m e r : s h o u l d ask yourself the f o l l o w i n g questions: 1. If y o u are w o r k i n g a n d p a y i n g

O n c e the exams are over most undergraduates w i l l be t u r n i n g to w h a t they w i l l be d o i n g d u r i n g the s u m m e r v a c a t i o n . T h e sort of questions they might ask are:

• D o I want to s p e n d the w h o l e s u m m e r w i t h m y family? • C a n I get a job easily if I go home? • H o w m u c h more w i l l I be able to save if I go home? • H o w m u c h can I earn if I stay i n L o n d o n or if I w e n t to another town? • H o w m u c h w i l l I be able to save if I stayed i n L o n d o n or w e n t elsewhere after a l l o w i n g for l i v i n g and accommodation expenses?

rent then y o u can c l a i m H B based o n y o u r earnings. This o p t i o n is equally o p e n to those i n College o w n e d accommodation w h o cannot claim H B d u r i n g the p e r i o d of study. This is because the rules regarding this type of accommodation do not apply during the s u m m e r v a c a t i o n . A n y o n e a p p l y i n g for H B w h e n w o r k i n g must bear i n m i n d that they are only likely to qualify if earnings are quite l o w , see box 1:

Student aged 18-24, paying rent of £50.1 Maximum amount of net earnings before HB entitlement ceases Housing Benefit payable on rent £50 and earnings of £99

0.71p

Student aged 18-24, paying rent of £60.00 pw Maximum amount of net earnings HB Payable Student aged 25+, rent £50 Maximum amount net earnings HB payable Student aged 25*, rent £60 Maximum amount net earnings HB payable

Page 34

=• U.vhp

0 ,

A*>3p

After getting your benefit, this will seem easy. O b v i o u s l y the less y o u earn the higher your H o u s i n g Benefit w i l l be. So if y o u are w o r k i n g a n d y o u r earnings are w i t h i n the above levels or y o u r rent is higher than £60.00 p w it is w o r t h m a k i n g a claim. It is also w o r t h claiming if y o u are d o i n g agency w o r k where y o u r earnings fluctuate or y o u have weeks without work. The H o u s i n g Benefit Dept can assess y o u r claim based o n average earnings. If y o u are going to claim this s h o u l d be done as soon as y o u start w o r k. Y o u can get a claim form f r o m the H o u s i n g Benefit Office for y o u r area or if y o u are i n L o n d o n f r o m the Welfare Office.

h o m e if a student: • L i v e d i n the a c c o m m o d a t i o n before the b e g i n n i n g of the course; or • has a child or y o u n g person living w i t h h i m or her; or • is aged 25 or over and has no other accommodation; o r • i s u n d e r 25 a n d has no parent or guardian and no other accommodation.

If y o u are not sure whether this rule affects y o u or not y o u s h o u l d seek advice. If y o u decide to make a cliam for the p e r i o d y o u are away y o u must d o so before y o u go. If y o u 2. If y o u are absent f r o m y o u r w i l l have n o income d u r i n g the accommodation at any time over the period y o u are away it is quite i n summer e g to go o n h o l i d ay y o u order to state o n y o u r claim f r o m m ay be able to c l a i m H B w h i l e y o u that y o u r income is ' N I L ' . are away. So that someone w h o has 3. If y o u are unable to get a job i n been w o r k i n g a n d does not qualify time for the start of the vacation it for H B c o u l d be entitled f o r the is likely y o u w i l l be s i g n i n g o n as period he/she is away. Entitlement unemployed a n d claiming i n this situation w i l l d e p e n d o n U n e m p l o y m e n t B e n e f i t and/or whether or not your main reason for Income Support. If y o u are p a y i n g occupying y o u r accommodation is rent y o u w i l l also be able to get H B . for the purpose of s t u d y i n g . D S S In the section o n U n e m p l o y m e n t advise that attendance o n the course Benefit a n d Income Support I w i l l s h a l l not normally be regarded as explain h o w H B is claimed i n this the m a i n purpose of o c c u p y i n g the situation.

FELIX

June 21 1989

e A . To be available for w o r k y o u must be w i l l i n g to take up full-time employment—if y o u say y o u ' r e l o o k i n g for part-time .'ork y o u may

A. You should List the last three jobs you dtd, the employers you worked tor and the starting .ind finishing dates D o n ' t refuse'to list previous

A . Don't limit your hours—not even Saturday because this is a working J a y so y o u should say you are available to work a six day week It is suggested that y o u put the hours you can work each day as Q12.

Q3. What was your last WEEKLY GROSS W A G * (ie before deductions) in your last job? A . Enter the correct amount, and state the number ot hours per week

What is the

M I N I M U M WEEKLY gross wage (ie before

A . Y o u could either sav that vou want the going rate for the job or give an amount that i-> lower than your last weekly wage. (If you put a higher Q13. If the amount at Q12. is more than you were earning in vour last A l l you have answered Q12. in the ways suggested you can leave this Q14. In what areas are you looking for work? Which other areas are

A . Knter the qualifications and or experience y o u have which support your answer to Q 4 . this could include anv voluntary work or training Q6. What other jobs are you willing to accept? If none please give your

It w o u l d be best to say that y o u are looking in all area* w i t h i n

Q15. If, for health reasons, you are limited in the work you can do: a) are you registered with the Disablement Resettlement Officer (DRO)?

A . It is best to say that you <ire willing to accept a n y t h i n g suitable. Q7. When can you start work? If not today, please say why and when A . You s h o u l d be available to start work on the same day, as any other answer will raise doubts about your availability and you could lose Q8. What are you doing to find work? (You may be asked to produce A . Sav that y o u are l o o k i n g in the lob Centre and local newspapers

A Unless y o u are obviously ill it is better to leave this section blank If you do have a health problem that restricts the work y o u can do then it is possible that you do not reallv need to sign o n as u n e m p l o y e d m order to receive benefit. If v o u think this applies to y o u . y o u s h o u l d seek independent advice. The Welfare A d v i s er at IC Union could advise Q16. Do you have any adults or children to care for? If 'Yes', what arrangements can you make for their care if you get work? How soon A. It is best to say y o u can make immediate arrangements and have the name of a person w h o w o u l d be able to care for your dependants HUT R E M E M B E R do not name anyone as a carer if they are receiving

that y o i are looking for any suitable temporary vacation work. If you have reac hed the end of your studies you must say that you are looking

Q17. Please give any other details which you think may affect your A . It is best to leave this section blanl unless there are things you feel

If you are looking for part-time work only please give vour

H o w to c l a i m U n e m p l o y m e n t Benefit and/or Income S u p p o r t If y o u have not got a job to start at the b e g i n n i n g of the vacation a n d want to claim benefit then y o u must follow this step by step guide: 1. A s soon as term ends y o u s h o u l d register as u n e m p l o y e d at y o u r nearest U n e m p l o y m e n t Benefit Office. A s the summer term ends o n Friday the earliest y o u w i l l be able to register w i l l be M o n d a y June 26. To f i n d y o u r nearest U B O y o u s h o u l d look i n the phone book u n d e r E m p l o y m e n t , Dept of. The offices are u s u a l l y o n l y o p e n between 9.30am-3.30pm so d o not leave too late i n the day to go to register. W h e n y o u go to the U B O . y o u s h o u l d take y o u r N a t i o n a l Insurance card a n d if y o u have ever w o r k e d before, y o u r P45. 2. W h e n y o u register y o u w i l l have to complete various forms a n d y o u w i l l be told about arrangements for signing, h o w benefit w i l l be p a i d etc. O n e of the forms y o u w i l l have to complete is a UB671. This f o r m

June 21 1989

includes a questionnaire designed to test y o u r availability for w o r k . A person's 'availability for w o r k ' is central to his or her claim for benefit. It is therefore most important that y o u answer the questions correctly otherwise y o u could jeopardise your claim, the questions w i t h suggested answers are s h o w n here.

the form that y o u have answered a l l the questions a n d enclosed any proof required. It is then a question of waiting for the D S S to process y o u r claim. It s h o u l d be processed w i t h i n 14 days of being received i n the office but i n practise it is usually m u c h longer. If y o u are concerned about your claim then y o u must contact the D S S . If

y o u have no success then seek advice. D o n ' t just assume that your claim is being dealt w i t h as it is always possible that y o u r claim was never received i n the first place or the D S S may have written to y o u and y o u failed to get their letter for some reason. A l t h o u g h y o u w i l l most likely be

3. W h e n y o u register y o u s h o u l d also be g i v e n a B l f o r m to claim Income S u p p o r t . There are t w o reasons for this: • A s a student it is unlikely that y o u w i l l have p a i d sufficient N a t i o n a l Insurance Contributions to qualify for U n e m p l o y m e n t Benefit. •It takes several weeks to get a person's N a t i o n a l Insurance record checked so it is usual for most people to claim Income Support for at least part of the time that they are unemployed. W h e n y o u have completed the B l y o u must send it to the D S S Office that covers y o u r address. The U B O staff w i l l be able to tell y o u w h i c h one it is. M a k e sure before y o u send

FELIX

One of the options: working behind the union Bar.

Page 35

e r e c e i v i n g Income S u p p o r t the Benefit w i l l still be p a i d to y o u by the U n e m p l o y m e n t Benefit Office usually over two weeks. If y o u have any change i n circumstances w h i c h y o u t h i n k may affect y o u r claim then you must inform both the U B O and the D S S . Overseas students and the summer vacation A n overseas student w h o stays i n the U K d u r i n g the s u m m e r may be able to w o r k or c l a i m benefit d e p e n d i n g o n their conditions of stay i n this country. E C nationals and students f r o m Iceland, M a l t a , N o r w a y , S w e d e n a n d T u r k e y are entitled to claim Income S u p p o r t d u r i n g the s u m m e r but may be i n breach of their conditions of stay if they d o so. This is because these benefits are classed as 'public f u n d s ' and i n some cases a c l a i m can jeopardise an extension of stay if the Local A u t h o r i t y or D S S notifies the H o m e Office. A s regards vacation e m p l o y m e n t it w i l l d e p e n d w h e t h e r y o u r visa states that y o u are allowed to w o r k . If an overseas student is not sure what his or her position is regarding w o r k then they s h o u l d seek advice. Generally speaking most overseas students are not allowed to w o r k i n this country w i t h o u t p e r m i s s i o n . Y o u could seriously jeopardise your leave to remain i n the U K if y o u take

e m p l o y m e n t without a permit. Claiming Housing Benefit when you're unemployed. W h e n y o u receive your B2 form y o u w i l l f i n d a f r o m inside w i t h w h i c h to c l a i m H o u s i n g Benefit. Y o u s h o u l d complete this a n d send it together w i t h proof of y o u r rent to y o u r local H B Office. There is no need to send proof of y o u r income as the D S S w i l l send a 'certificate' to the H o u s i n g Benefit Office stating that y o u are i n receipt of Income Support. A claimant i n receipt of Income S u p p o r t is entitled to 100% rebate of eligible rent (rent, rates, water rates, gas, electricity etc.) a n d 80% rebate of eligible rates. Other points to remember If for any reason y o u r claim for benefit is refused y o u have a right of appeal w h i c h y o u must exercise w i t h i n 28 days of receipt of the decision. If y o u are i n receipt of Income S u p p o r t y o u are automatically entitled to help w i t h N H S charges e g Prescriptions, dental charges, eyesight test etc. If y o u go away at any time d u r i n g y o u r c l a i m y o u must i n f o r m the U n e m p l o y m e n t Office. If y o u go o n h o l i d a y i n this country y o u w i l l still be entitled to benefit as l o n g as y o u do not say away f r o m the area i n w h i c h y o u are c l a i m i n g for more

Money: the government won't want to give this to you than 16 days. Before y o u go away y o u must complete a h o l i d a y f o r m called UB674. If y o u go abroad y o u w i l l not be entitled to benefit w h i l e y o u are away a n d y o u w i l l have to make a new claim w h e n y o u return. If y o u go abroad y o u may be able to get free or reduced cost medical treatment. In order to do so y o u must obtain f o r m E l l l f r o m the D S S . This can be a p p l i e d for i n person or i n w r i t i n g a n d s h o u l d be at least one month before y o u travel. Useful leaflets F B 9 U n e m p l o y e d — a g u i d e to benefit to help make ends meet FB20 Y o u n g People's G u i d e to Social Security

Unemployment Benefit £3-4 70 ^in{?lt npf^cwi a

NEW EARLY Swimming Pool opening times

Income Support

Single £20 80 27 40 34.90

Lone parent Age under 18 Age 18 and over

20 80 £34 90

Couple Both under 18 At least one aged 18

Why not get the day off to a refreshing start with an early morning swim? The swimming pool will now be open at 8.30am mon-fri. Alternatively enjoy a workout in the gym, ideal for building up, slimming down or generally improving your cardiovascular fitness

£41 60 £54^0

Dependant children Under age Age 11-15

£ 1 1 75 £17'35

Premiums Family (payable where there is at least one dependant child)£6.15 Lone parent £ 3 90 There are also other premiums eg on account of disability. The rules for these are quite complicated and therefore not details are given here. If anyone would like further information please call into the Welfare Office.

Page 36

Further Information The Welfare Office w i l l be o p e n throughout the s u m m e r a n d the Welfare A d v i s e r w i l l be available •most of that time. So if y o u require any advice or further information please call into the Office.

Are you making the most of us?

Under age 18 Age 18-24 Age 25 and over"

R R 1 H o u s i n g Benefit; H e l p w i t h rent a n d rates FvR2 A guide to H o u s i n g Benefit SB20 A guide to Income Support IS51, I N F 2 , I N F 4 , INF4 NI12 U n e m p l o y m e n t Benefit S A 4 0 Before Y o u Go—Travellers G u i d e to H e a l t h SA41 While You're Away—The Travellers G u i d e to H e a l t h

LOOK GOOD, FEEL GOOD AT It Ci Si

FELIX

June 21 1989

s minutes of epic cinema, 20 of w h i c h sufficient h u m o u r makes this a are previously unseen. G l o r i o u s l y recommendable f i l m . H i g h l i g h t is a colourful a n d magnificently set-piece dream sequence, a satirical David Lean's version of D i s n e y ' s S o n g of the p e r c e p t i v e , masterpiece is a benchmark for all S o u t h , c o m p l e t e w i t h cast of other big budget movies. Star of the thousands a n d cavorting animated s h o w , Peter O ' T o o l e , launched his dog. career here, a n d went o n to make Dreams of another k i n d are the such classics as Caligula a n d High basis for the fourth Nightmare on Elm Spirits. The f i l m is s h o w i n g at the Street, entitled The Dream Master. A Odeon, Marble Arch, and h o u n d f r o m hell urinates fire o n absolutely nowhere else. Freddy Krueger's grave a n d this results in another resurection for old S h o w i n g nowhere, b u t the p i z z a face. H i s first move of course C u r z o n , West E n d is Paris by Night. is to w i p e out a l l the k i d s i n a Few releases have better timing than multitude of inventively gory ways. this oneâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;it's about E u r o M P s a n d s o m e of t h e t h i n g s t h e y d o . The heroine is A l i s o n , a credible Charlotte R a m p l i n g is the M E P i n performance b y newcomer L i s a question, a n d aside f r o m blackmail, Wilcox, w h o proves to be a mixture murder a n d a steamy affair, she has of Bruce Lee and Jane Fonda. Robert an alcoholic h u b b y to cope w i t h . E n g l a n d is once again excellent as M i c h a e l G a m b o n is wasted in this Freddy; the sharpness of his wit role. matched only by his c l a w e d glove. The ÂŁ3 m i l l i o n budget allows some T h e c r i t i c i s m of T h a t c h e r i t e impressive effects to spice u p what morality may be a salient topic, but w o u l d otherwise be a predictably it cannot rescue an otherwise dreary drab affair. N o doubt the most easily thriller, w h i c h is a n y t h i n g but anticipated scene though is the final thrilling. It s h o u l d be said that hook from w h i c h Nightmare 5 can be R a m p l i n g is able to maintain her hung. career motif of sexual entanglement, A l s o d o i n g the r o u n d s at the and a consistency of performance o n moment is Cocoon: The Return. A that level cannot be w h o l l y ignored.

New film, new manicure, same jumper.

s W i t h the exams finally over, at least for most of us, there's plenty of time to n i p off to the cinema a n d at least a h a n d f u l of recent releases to see. Y o u ' l l no doubt prefer to call into Southside or the H o o p and Toy for a day or so first, but w h e n y o u ' v e puked all y o u can, here's something to d o . First u p is Fletch Lives, p r e v i e w e d

recently i n F E L I X , a sequel to the 1985 f i l m Fletch. C h e v y Chase takes the title role, a resourceful eccentric, plagued b y his wife's alimony d e m a n d s. T h e inheritance of h i s aunt's Louisiana plantation provides a w a y out for Fletch, a murder mystery, and as Cilia w o u l d say, a lotta laughs. Chas swans t h r o u g h all this, d i g g i n g u p clues f r o m b e h i n d the various disguises he sports a n d wearing an amiable grin at all times. S m all effort is required to rekindle his past roles i n the same type of self-parody w h i c h accompanies such actors as John Cleese. A n e c o l o g i c a l l y s o u n d script w i t h

combination of serious backdrop and h u m o u r o u s plot pigeon-hole this movie squarely i n the realms of the black comedy. Funny Farm is another ideal platform for C h e v y Chase, just like all his other films. The inimitable b l e n d of satire a n d farce is this time set against the o l d plot device, writer's block. In escaping the city, Chase and his Coincidental to other b i g screen wife, M a d o l y n S m i t h , discover an releases listed here, two of the major idyllic Utopia, full of folksy charm i n videos issued this m o n t h star the mountain village of Redbud. But T i m o t h y D a l t o n a n d C h e v y Chase. R e d b u d has more eccentrics than Hawks has D a l t o n cast as a British even N e w Y o r k . L a w y e r , B a n c r o f t , w h o meets O k a y , so the plot is a tad thin, but A n t h o n y E d w a r d s , a terminally i l l the script is written by Jeffrey Boam, American football player, while they author of Innerspace a n d The Lost share a w a r d i n hospital. Boys, so it is almost certain to be They need a diversion to make good. A strong support cast and the their lives bearable, and what better benign charm of the lead indicate an adventure than stealing a n essential rental. ambulance a n d m a k i n g a dash for Andrew Clarke. the brothels of A m s t e r d a m . T h e

more conventional sequel i n that it falls w a y short of its predecessor. Not that the original was i n any way spectacular. There are at least as m a n y sub-plots as characters a n d yet for all that it lacks a p r i n c i p a l storyline, leaving the i m p r e s s i on that none of the characters really does a n y t h i n g . Steve Guttenberg repeats the alien intercourse of the original

Elsewhere, an unchanging style is present i n T o m H o l l a n d ' s n e w f i l m Child's Play. A l l of H o l l a n d ' s previous films have been a remake of the boy w h o cried wolf tale. Here the narrative has reached its absurd limit, as the ' w o l f turns out to be a child's freckle faced doll called C h u c k y , recently possessed by the spirit of a dead v o o d o o murderer. Y o u believe me, d o n ' t you?

June 21 1989

Well, Hello Dolly. Cocoon, a n d h i s partner Tahnee W e l c h shows that she got the part more t h r o u g h her mother's name than her acting ability. This is one to see w h e n y o u ' v e seen everything else, a n d p u k e d some more i n Southside. A t the other e n d of the spectrum is the n e w l y restored Lawrence of Arabia. The obsessive w o r k of two enthusiasts has resulted i n 216

FELIX

The predictability a n d repetition i n v o l v e d are overcome b y some g o o d effects, most specifically the puppet, C h u c k y , i n nine different forms a n d w o r k e d by a n army of puppeteers. The result is a modest horror flick w i t h just e n o u g h b l o o d to make y o u chucky u p p y , even w h e n Southside affects y o u n o more. Andy Clarke

Page 37

s r A t a time i n cinema d evelo pm ent w h e n almost every m o v i e c a n be bracketed, (as a baseball f i l m , or a role reversal, a n d so on), Fair Game falls into the category ' d a m n e d peculiar'. The blur b says 'psychological thriller', but for m u c h of the eighty minutes I w a s tempted to say ' b l u r b ! ' . A n d at the e n d I left thinking ' o h ' . O n reflection, h o w e v e r it w a s n ' t that b a d . The cast numbers three, one of w h o m takes a n early bath after five minutes, w h e n h i s deadly black m a m b a bites h i m . T h i s allows the nasty, G e n e , to take the snake a n d play a trick o n h i s estranged w i f e E v a . H e leaves it i n h e r loft apartment. Serves the bitch right for abandoning the possessive bastard. H a ! What a wheeze. A n y w a y , it's one of those cat a n d mouse affairs. T h e m a m b a w i l l die of its o w n p o i s o n i n one h o u r . E v a doesn't k n o w this, but w e do, a n d so does G e n e , w h o , b e i n g a computer w h i z z , is tracking the progress electronically. O n the face of it, tension a n d excitement c o u l d be abundant if p l a y e d correctly. U n f o r t u n a t e l y G o r g i o M a r o d e r ' s score attempts to sustain the anxiety for the full eighty minutes, rather than taking snaps at it every so often. G r e g g H e n r y plays G e n e solidly, if a little t w o d i m e n s i o n a l l y , but he is threateningly oppressive. T r u d i e Styler is rather more efficient as E v a , a n d manages to s h o w contempt, fear a n d strength despite a p o o r

A n APOLLO THEATRE Insanity is the best escape f r o m madness. T h i s is the m a x i m w h i c h drives t h e major characters i n Martin Sharman's n e w play. Personal insanity being the inevitable consequence of t r y i n g to m a k e sense of a m a d w o r l d . Bewildered by pessimistic visions of personal demise a n d global apocalypse they are either driven or gladly volunteer to leap w i t h gusto completely off their rockers. Such a premise s h o u l d make for

Page 38

Imagine a d i e h a r d collection of hoofers f r o m the thirties a n d forties r e k i n d l i n g some public support for

mn kl

their art b y h o p p i n g o n the talent b a n d w a g g o n b e g u n b y Famel Y o u ' v e got Tap! It's a pity the b a n d w a g g o n g r o u n d to a halt a few years back. In the spirit of its contemporary p r e d e c e s s o r t h e r e are a m p l e opportunities i n the script for the cast to break into a 'duelling banjos' routine. It must be said that a l l concerned are pretty g o o d at t a p

and dance, on tap.

script consisting mostly of ' f u c k ! ' . Where the f i l m surpasses itself is i n the set: a rumbling cascade of arty visuals that makes u p E v a ' s h o m e . (She's a sculptress, y o u see.) N o minimalist refuge of y u p p i e d o m this, it's like a n aircraft hanger, full of bits of other buildings, a n d even complete w i t h mini-tropical rain forest. Quite appropriate considering Styler is Sting's girlfriend. A l l i n all it isn't a b a d attempt,

some very comic opportunities a n d these are brought out i n abundance here. A little patience is required t h o u g h to await the full fruitition of these as the slower first half of the double b i l l lazily sows the seeds. T o outline the plot i n detail w o u l d detract f r o m this later r e w a r d . I therefore take m y lead f r o m t h e i excellent programme to the piece w h i c h tries, w i t h great success, to give a flavour of the t w o locations. This is accomplished w i t h quotes f r o m Lawrence D u r r e l l ' s The Greek Islands describing both C o r f u a n d Santorini. The essence of these images of light a n d heat freezing a timeless sanctuary of Platonic immutability is captured brilliantly by Ultze's s u n baked sets a n d G e r r y Jenkinson's magnesium bright lighting. The first set at C o r f u h a s t h e greater w h i t e w a s h e d intensity a n d w i t h it

g i v e n that it represents Italian director M a r i a O r f i n i ' s first international f i l m . I f i n d it h a r d to see where the ÂŁ 4 m i l l i o n went, t h o u g h . C o m p a r e it to the similarly budgeted Nightmare on Elm Street 4 a n d look at the effects they got for their m o n e y . Perhaps the snake commands a large fee a n d slice of the box office. Fair Game w i l l suffer f r o m its blockbuster competition, p r o v i n g that d r a w i n g the crowds can often

the greater stillness. The impression here is less of a madhouse and more of a n a s y l u m . A n a s y l u m f r o m the demands of the outside w o r l d . O n e of those seeking sanctuary here is D a v i d (Rupert Graves). H e is a y o u n g , painfully shy and artistic homosexual A m e r i c a n Jew. This might seem a parodic combination indeed it draws a f e w laughs i n itself. O n e must o n l y remember however that Sherman himself is all of these things but y o u n g to see that sympathy rather than stereotype is the source of this character. T h e other protagonist is M r s H o n e y (Vanessa Redgrave) a n A m e r i c a n spinster a n d a globe-trotting eccentric. Losbos a n d N i k o s are o w n er a n d waiter, respectively, of this paradise pension a n d complete the tranquil picture. But, a d d a little intrigue a n d events take a sinsister turn.

FELIX

dancing, and not bad w h e n it comes to acting either. G r e g o r y H i n e s takes the lead as M a x W a s h i n g t o n , a n ex-con intent o n forgetting his tap roots. S a m m y Davis Jr plays h i s surrogate father, an old-time dancer w i t h dreams of rejuvinating the craft. ' N o b o d y ever tap danced to rock m u s i c ' . H i s daughter A m y provides the f i l m w i t h love-hate romantic interest and gives M a x the necessary Jiminy Cricket conscience. The plot, insofar as one exists, deals w i t h the conflicts i n M a x ' s character. H e has the opportunity of rebuilding a life of crime w i t h his o l d acquaintances i n gangland, or h e can scrape a l i v i n g o n the stage. T o u g h choice. What w e have then is a pleasant journey of d i l e m m a and solution, quandary a n d triumph. The direction captures the moods of the various scenes as it flicks effortlessly from smooth photography to erratic editing. A s a platform for a particular talent Tap matches the best music videos. A s a piece of cinema art, it is w e l l executed a n d quite enjoyable. But w i t h a potentially specific audience, m u c h like E a s t w o o d ' s Bird, I c a n o n l y hope C o l u m b i a Pictures believe i n the script: 'It ain't what y o u earn that matters.' Andrew Clarke.

be a n unfair game. I've seen better films, but I've also seen worse. A n a w f u l lot worse. Andrew Clarke. (Fair Game opens at the O d e o n K e n s i n g t o n o n June 23rd, a n d this w i l l be a charity premiere i n aid of the Rainforest F o u n d a t i o n . Tickets are ÂŁ 2 5 a n d available f r o m the Rainforest F o u n d a t i o n , 5 Fitzroy Lodge, the Grove, L o n d o n N 6 5JU.)

In the Santorini based second half we have really arrived i n b e d l a m . F r o m this m a d m a n ' s eyrie w e are treated to a fantastic v i e w of the w o r l d twenty four years o n i n 1990. This panoramic parody of all things absurd i n the m o d e r n w o r l d must surely be a v i s i o n of the p a r a n o i d . But w h e n y o u ' r e l a u g h i n g w i t h m a d m e n y o u s h o u l d be prepared for a shock. Performances i n both part one and part t w o are exceptional for their measured restraint. Strong directing f r o m Robert A l l a n A c k e r m a n is doubtless to be credited for this. Particularly outstanding is A r t h u r D i g n a m as the crazy o l d m a n i n part t w o . M y s t i c a l yet p r o f o u n d w h e n animated a n d convincingly vacant w h e n crushed the m a n makes a natural nutter. See this n o w , it's a n absolute treat. MAC.

June 21 1989

bySumit

O L D VIC A t the start of the play w e are confronted with an angular monstrosity of a set. A black steel jutting a n d b l o o d r e d walls p u t u s in the m o o d for a tragedy rather than a light-hearted comedy. Maybe someone h a d forgotten that King Lear h a d ended its r u n . U n f o r t u n a t e l y , t h e scenery actually gets m u c h worse, as the play moves into the forests of A r d e n . W e expect green grass, a brook, a n d a stage drenched i n a cheerful summer light. W e are treated to dirt b r o w n soil, poor lighting, a collapsed v i e w of the w o o d l a n d through a tunnel , and a single stuffed stag. It becomes even more horrific w h e n side panels are uncovered to reveal reams of grafitri professing O r l a n d o ' s love f o r Rosalind.

Ghetto

The March on Russia

Bill O w e n gives a t o u c h i n g performance as a retired miner, i n D a v i d Storey's play about life, Hamlet family, old-age and responsibilities. A s reviewed i n last week's issue, It delves into t h e i n d i v i d u a l ' s Daniel Day-Lewis gives a isolation and the workings of society m e s m e r i s i n g p e r f o r m a n c e i n seen through various members of a The tone of the play, i n general, Richard Eyre's elaborate production ' h a p p y ' family f r o m the coal faces is so slow that it is left w a n t i n g . The of Shakespeare's greatest work. The of the N o r t h to the affluence of the otherwise satisfactory K a r l Johnson d e p t h a n d a p p e a l lies i n t h e S o u t h ; from feminism a n d as Jacques, delivers h i s ' A l l the complicated a n d ironic character of i n d e p e n d e n c e to traditional world's a stage...' Speech w i t h such Hamlet, w h i c h is not lost to the scale values—each one has a v i e w to put s o l e m n i t y that o n e feels l i k e of the production. Judy D e n c h a n d across, but a single-minded way of sleeping through it rather than M i c h a e l Byrant head a p o w e r f u l saying it. marvelling at it. It is o n l y w h e n support cast. The performances are go o d but Rosalind and Orlando perform their the script often has n o w h e r e to go, rapid repartee that the play captures Ghetto a n d w e are left w i t h o u r thoughts a m o o d a n d a t m o s p h e r e of Joshua Sobol's play/musical is a drifting away f r o m the stage. enchantment. m o v i n g testament to the courage In fact, what saves the play is the a n d resilience of Jewish groups A l s o recommended at the N a t i o n a l excellence w i t h w h i c h the lead roles under threat of extermination f r o m are: are handled. Fiona Shaw's Rosalind the N a z i s . To save as m a n y lives i n is the heart of the play. She has to the Ghetto, they f o r m a theatre. If Hedda Gabler—Juliet Stevenson play a girl acting as a boy acting as one has employment, he is deemed gives a memorable, contemplative a girl. It is a part of such complexity to be useful a n d therefore escapes performance i n Ibsen's classic, and intricacy that to see Fiona Shaw execution. reworked b y Christoper H a m p t o n p u l l it off so adeptly was a joy. She The h a r r o w i n g set serves as a (Les Liaison's Dangereuses) is given go o d support b y A d a m m o n u m e n t to o p p r e s s i o n . T h e Kote as a naive, boyishly charming music a n d lyrics are edged w i t h Fuente Ovejuna—The tiny Orlando. poignancy a n d sorrow. T h e Cottleshoe stage comes to life w i t h It is to the full credit of these t w o emotional ending may be a sad one, a tale of oppression and civil unrest leads that the text of Shakespeare but the message is one of hope a n d in a s m a l l Spanish village. shines through despite the brotherhood. abhoration of a set. This is a unique theatrical A l l productions r u n throughout the experience I fully recommend it. summer.

The Black Prince

June 21 1989

Guha

ALDWYCH THEATRE Iris M u r d o c h ' s intellectual comedy touches o n such topics as the nature of art, literature, happiness a n d neurosis. T h e central character, Bradley (Ian M c D i a r m i d ) , is a middle aged writer w h o has never written a n y t h i n g because, he says, he is a perfectionist. In the first half he prides himself o n his aloofness

FELIX

T H E B A R B I C A N (RSC) T h i s t r i l o g y of S h a k e s p e a r e a n histories, chronicling t h e life of H e n r y V I , the rise of E d w a r d IV and the death of Richard III, continues its successful r u n at the Barbican. The action comes thick and fast, the sets are brilliantly simplistic a n d the acting is t o p notch. There are remarkable p e r f o r m a n c e s f r o m R a l p h Fiennes as H e n r y V I a n d Penny D o w n i e as Q u e e n Margaret, w i t h flashes of genius f r o m A n t o n Lesser as R i c h a r d III. Inspired direction f r o m A d r i a n N o b l e keeps it f l o w i n g smoothly. T h e l i m p i d exposition a n d majestic spectacle make this a n experience to cherish.

h T H E B A R B I C A N (RSC) A d r i a n N o b l e ' s sinister a n d evil production of 'the Scottish p l a y ' singularly lacks innovation, but is still a good example of a solid, surefooted staging of the play. Miles A n d e r s o n plays an unremarkable M a c B e t h , the only one of Shakespeare's great tragic figures to be utterly d a m n e d . The emphasis i n this production lies heavily o n a greedy, ambitious MacBeth, but loses a lot of the tragic qualities b y m a k i n g h i m so utterly dispicable. T o a d d some sort of levity to the play, the scenes w i t h the three witches t u r n into semicomic pieces, w h i c h I feel destroys the m o o d . What dramatic impact there is, is offered b y the dark a n d gloomy set, i n w h i c h the walls move i n , m a k i n g MacBeth's w o r l d more claustrophic. T h e e n d i n g , p a r t i c u l a r l y , is immensely powerful a n d impressively choreographed i n its use of special effects. But o n the w h o l e it's a n u n m o v i n g experience.

a n d incorruptibility by life. T h e n i n the s e c o n d h a l f h e s u d d e n l y succumbs to a m a d passion for his friend's teenage daughter. Ideas a n d intellectual agitations thread their w a y t h r o u g h t h e character's escapades. A farcical first half turns to murder, m a y h e m a n d misery i n the second. T h r o u g h o u t the play M c D i a r m i d ' s philosophical flamboyance rides out the bumps i n the story, m a k i n g it a h i g h l y enjoyable, compelling performance. The s e l f - i n d u l g e n t rant about Hamlet is especially f u n n y

Page 39

s e PHOENIX T H E A T R E Sir Peter H a l l ' s eagerly awaited p r o d u c t i o n of Merchant continues a trend these days of m a k i n g Shakespeare more accessible to the public v i a large West E n d productions, this one certainly does not disappoint. Critics have been sharpening their knives ever since D u s t i n H o f f m a n first a n n o u n c e d he was to play the great theatrical protagonist, Shylock. But here there is little t o c o m p l a i n about, a n d m u c h t o praise. The story is one of love, prejudice, m o n e y a n d revenge. It tells of h o w Bassanio, a Venetian w h o is im po veris hed b y prodigality, raises money through his friend A n t o n i o , to go a n d w o o Portia i n Belmont, A n t o n i o himself borrows the money f r o m S h y l o c k a n d guarantees the l o a n w i t h a p o u n d of his flesh—a

Page 40

•• •••

..... <

Hoffman

BARBICAN The Tempest has been p e r f o r m e d four times i n t h e last eighteen O P E N AIR T H E A T R E , R E G E N T S months i n L o n d o n , but none have b e e n as i n s p i r e d as t h e R S C P A R K The Dream played i n the park is quite production. the most appealing p r o d u c t i o n I W e start w i t h the storm scene have yet seen. The setting is i d e a l — d o n e i n s l o w m o t i o n so that w e c a n the c h i r p i n g of birds, the s w a y i n g actually hear the w o r d s — i n g e n i u s . of trees i n a gentle breeze a n d a A b i l l o w i n g sail overshadows the production that goes all out to both sailors as they sway rhythmically to please a n d be daringly different. A t the wracks of t h u n d e r , then, all of first, I felt uncomfortable at the sight a s u d d e n , the sails are s w a l l o w e d of h i p p i e s d a n c i n g a r o u n d a n d u p a n d the stage is transformed into flicking peace signs, but then it an island—a magnificent white oval became clear that setting the play i n stage. the 1967 S u m m e r of L o v e suited the J o h n W o o d p l a y s t h e best of the innocent hedonism P r o s p e r o * I have y e t seen. H e characters. s u m m o n s his enemies to the i s l a n d u s i n g his magical po w e r s , but his motives for revenge give w a y t o humanity and forgiveness. Prospero is i n c o m m a n d of everything except his o w n d i v i d e d self. W o o d ' s deep vibrato voice gives every w o r d both p o w e r a n d expression. D e s m o n d Barrit plays a roly-poly, effeminate T r i n c u l o , w h o s e scenes w i t h Stephano a n d a hideous monstrous Caliban have never been funnier. The music is w o n d e r f u l l y w i e r d a n d the magical effects are superb. T h e p r o d u c t i o n stresses all that is good about the play—it's chimerical, dream-like quality, the po w e r f ul yet vulnerable aspect of Prospero's character, the pathetic h u m o u r of C a l i b a n , Trinculo a n d Stephano, a n d the innocent love of M i r a n d a . But above all, what makes the play so effective is its air o f w o n d r o u s magic a n d i l l u s i o n .

are a delight to watch. A permanent set, consisting s i m p l y of c o l u m n s e n c l o s i n g t h e a c t i n g area i s instantaneously a n d unfussily changed back a n d forth between Venice a n d Belmont. Its t r a n s f o r m a t i o n s are so s w i f t l y achieved, u s i n g excellent l i g h t i n g techniques, that the scenes virtually merge into one another, a l l o w i n g

b o n d regarded as a joke. W h i l e Bassanio w i n s Portia, A n t o n i o fails to meet his b o n d a n d so Shylock, long-time sufferer at the hands of Christians, claims h i s p o u n d of flesh. I n t h e e n s u i n g courtroom scene Portia disguises herself as a l a w y e r a n d w i n s A n t o n i o ' s case. The production and performances

It seems silly to have Saeed Jaffrey as a maharish, O b e r o n and a sexpot Titania p l a y e d b y Sally Dexter, but s o m e h o w it a l l seems to w o r k . Christopher Benjamin plays a

p l u m p b u m p k i n Bottom—a constant source of hilarity, a n d between scenes w e are entertained by the sounds of "The Beatles', ' S i m o n & G a r f u n k e l ' , 'Procol H a r e m ' , etc. The comic finale is the performance of Pyramus and Thisbe by Bottom a n d his cohorts. This is a w o n d e r f u l celebration of amateur theatricals. T h e chilliness of the night air is quite forgotten as we are beset b y m u s c l e w r e n c h i n g laughter. The spirit of Shakespeare is preserved, a n d yet w e cannot recognise it as Shakespeare. The entertainment value cannot be overstated. It is great f u n . This is a p e r f e c t i n t r o d u c t i o n t o Shakespeare for those w h o have not, as yet, revelled i n the Bard's w o r k , a n d it is a n immensely enjoyable night out, as l o n g as the weather behaves. A Midsummer Night's Dream plays repertoire w i t h Twelfth Night a n d The Swaggerer.

r s Much Ado About Nothing (Strand)—Joyous, uplifting, often hilarious comedy. W e l l acted a n d produced with superb performances from A l a n Bates and Felicity Kendal. Great f u n . Sherlock Holmes, the Musical (Cambridge Theatre)—Shallow cockney musical, only serves as tourist fodder.

the entire play to move f o r w a r d with remarkable fluidity a n d r h y t h m i c ease. H o f f m a n ' s Shylock is a lightweight characterisation. In his first scene he smiles and is non-assertive. This Shylock is a rational, h u m a ne creature, h i s h u m o u r ironic, h i s manner conciliatory. This eventually leads us to doubt that such a m a n w o u l d thrust a knife into A n t o n i o ' s heart, even after all the h u m i l i a t i o n he has suffered. The subtlety w h i c h H o f f m a n injects into his poignant ' H a t h not a Jew eyes...' speech is pure genius. W e are given to fully sympathise w i t h Shylock at the end. W h e n he is forced to give u p his religion, we feel that the injustice is too great. Geraldine James as Portia radiates intelligence a n d strength of character. She dictates her w i l l w i t h forceful, lucid exposition. Nathaniel Parker makes a roguish Bassanio. W i t h h i m we are repulsed at his w a n t o n excesses, but cannot help but find his boyish charm appealing. The ensemble cast are just about perfect i n their roles. O n l y is the fool Launcelot Gobbo wasted somewhat. The l i m i t e d r u n of fifteen weeks is completely sold out, but returns can be obtained if y o u queue for l o n g e n o u g h . It's w e l l w o r t h it.

g B A R B I C A N — T H E PIT The plot of King John deals w i t h the see-saw of p o w e r between France and England, John is played b y short, stocky Nicholas Woodeson. His performance is excellent, forever devising plans of political gain, a n d obsessed w i t h p o w e r (so m u c h so, that he keeps his c r o w n o n a chain). The set is left bare, apart f r o m a w a l l of ladders leaning against the balcony—strange but effective. This is a confident production that makes one w o n d e r w h y the play is not performed more often—a credit to Deborah Warner's direction.

Metropolis (Piccadilly Theatre)— Great sets and special effects, shame about the music a n d story. Aspects of Love (Prince of Wales)— B o r i n g story, d u l l music, f o p p i s h forgettable trash. American Bagpipes (Royal Court)— Charming Glaswegian comedy. Fast pacey dialogue keeps things interesting.

Felicity

FELIX

June 21 1989

s a baptism of fire for m e as I discovered the heat g i v e n off b y such a strong cast. I think that it was shortly after this m y troubles became that c o m p o u n d e d by the discovery of a n e w and perhaps more potent vice. D o w n a n d d o w n I went into the seventh circle of h e l l a n d the Riverside Studios, H a m m e r s m i t h . H e r e the f l o p p y hat brigade fester i n eternal damnation forced to listen to each other's pretentious prattle. That night they were out i n force but t h e y d i d n ' t detract f r o m t h e s t u n n i n g performance of M o l i s s a Fenley the N e w York contemporary dancer. I was staggered b y h e r stamina a n d the v i g o u r of h e r visions as her naked torso twitched to the strings t h r o u g h the w h o l e of Stravinsky's Rites of Spring. I made m y escape just i n time to a v o i d a particularly highbro w conversation: The question being asked w a s whether the n u d i t y was i n fact a creatively integral part of the w o r k , or was Molissa gratuitously 'getting t h e m out 'cos that's just the crazy k i n d of N e w Y o r k girl she is'? I guess I'll never k n o w .

9 A s People whinge about L o n d o n w h e n really they are talking about another city. They mean the dirty hectic metropolis that is L o n d o n without its soul, its guts and the greater part of its alimentary canal: I mean, of course, the theatre. N o w I'm not a 'Theatre-Goer' nor is there any such species (Phantom of the Opera fans excepted perhaps). But I like m y m i n d a n d m y senses to be jolted into action once i n a w h i l e a n d if ever there was a place and a time to jump start the neurons i n y o u r noddle it was L o n d o n i n '88/'89. A l a n A y c k b o u r n was the first to take the jump-leads to m y b o d y . I was d r a w n to see his Henceforward at R i c h m o n d Theatre (still p l a y i n g at the V a u d e v i l l e w i t h a n e w cast) by a vague nostalgia for an o l d habit. Somewhere between the base of the seat a n d the tip of the f u n n y bone went two h u n d r e d a n d forty volts, more than e n o u g h to tickle the alcohol smothered synapse guarding the only surviving route to a fold marked ' D o Not O p e n ' . Firing on at least two cylinders and as oiled as a lager lout I uttered those cliched words T really ought to do this more often'. It was the beer talking but I'd never heard a pint of Fosters make so m u c h sense. In order to ensure that I'd got the message right, I decided to check w i t h another antipodean oracle by the name of Castlemaine at a p u b called the Orange Tree a little w a y u p the r o a d. A s surely as I d o w n e d the t h i r d pint of l i q u i d g o l d , I saw the sign that read "Theatre c l u b ' : it was ordained. In a small space above the p u b I discovered that night what seemed like a n intimate b e d r o o m scene. L o v e , betrayal a n d i n c e s t u o u s longings were played o u t w i t h ferocious passion untempered b y the presence of a h u n d r e d pairs of eyes. Cocteau's Les Parents Terribles h a d been staged as it ought to be, inescapable and taught. That night settled the matter a n d convinced me to cross the R u b i c o n (just west of Waterloo Bridge) into a perpetual night of West E n d , Fringe a n d Dance theatre. D u r i n g

June 21 1989

It was time to take stock I decided: To assess where I was going w i t h all this. S o I calmed d o w n a n d took myself off to the Fringe. To the M a n i n the M o o n , a p u b venue where I understood what was g o i n g o n .

the preceding months three red-hot plays l i n k e d by the themes of anger a n d injustice h a d taken a steady attrition o n m y resolve to stay in and stick to the vegie-vision. Look Back in Anger, Osborne's classic play, l u r e d me into the Theatre M u s e u m Theatre i n Covent G a r d e n . I w a s p r o m i s e d that director Jim D u n k (who advertised M o l s e n lager o n the box a n d so was an obvious connoisseur) h a d given the p l a y a great n e w r e interpretation. The result put me off a n d great 'interpretations' 'adaptions' for life. I saw it as Jimmy Porter betrayed. I ' m still o n the look out for a better p r o d u c t i o n but couldn't afford the one day 'Friends of the E a r t h ' bash at the C o l i s e u m last S u n d a y .

Xavier a n d Vanessa Redgrave as Lady Torrance set the Theatre Royal Haymarket alight (almost literally) as they stoked u p the fires i n Hillbilly Hades. With Julie C o v i n g t o n as C a r o l Cutrere the evening went u p i n flames. It was

' Y e s . of c o u r s e I l i k e t h e feeling...of a full cunt.', y e l l e d the demonic diva. O h no, I was i n for a Berkoff battering. From My Point of View o n l y lasted an h o u r thank G o d . D u r i n g this time, despite the n u m b i n g ranting, the chief effect was to make me marvel at the skills of two theatrical contortionists. Still, it was a great venue. Back at the bar I decided that I ' d opt for the admittedly absurd rather

Next it was A r t h u r M i l l e r ' s t u r n to stir u p the bile w i t h his version of Ibsen's An Enemy of the People at the Playhouse. Sure e n o u g h the m an has a persecution complex, but w h o w o u l d n ' t have after a b r u s h w i t h McCarthy? K i n d l e d by the fires of outrage I left i n search of another noble v i c t i m . A s luck w o u l d have it I f o u n d a veritable martyr courtesy of Tennessee W i l l i a m s i n his Orpheus Descending, Jean M a r c Barr as V a l

FELIX

Ayckbourn's Henceforward

Page 41

s D u r i n g the recent exam p e r i o d I went o n a veritable binge. A T C ' s adapation of Antony and Cleopatra at the Lyric justified the title inversion to Cleopatra a n d A n t o n y . But I c o u l d n ' t see that it warranted the critical praise that had been lavished u p o n it a n d m y feelings about the art of ' i n t e r p r e t a t i o n ' were reinforced.

Le Ballet du Yargistan than the unintentionally so. Samuel Beckett w a s the obvious m a n to oblige a n d so to the Y o u n g V i c for his Waiting for Godot. L i k e an adolescent's reading of Nausea this play w a s e n o u g h to leave anyone c o l d . It's poetry scanned every icy place that h a d n ' t been sucked into the vortex of Joyce's Ulysses. I'm still on the look out for productions of Beckett's Endgame and Happy Days to trace the progressive stripping away of language b y the fear of imperfect expression. A s it w a s I made do with his first novel Murphy and i n s y m p a t h y w i t h his slide towards silence I decided to return to Dance. A h the refreshment, as the springtime sounds of Paris came to The Place that A p r i l . First I went, for m y sins, to Confesse. H e r v e Jourdet u n d e r s t o o d , as o n l y a l a p s e d Catholic c a n , the almost sexual tension that fills the obsessive detail of religious rites. A y o u n g priest instructing a trainee n u n made a recipe for temptation. T h e pair crossed themselves frantically as the attraction between t h e m swelled and leached out their guilt. B y the grace of G o d a n d the beady eye of a M o t h e r Superior/Mother C h u r c h figure s w a d d l e d i n a l l modest prudery, they were saved f r o m their evil flirtation. Averse D'Octobre the second Jourdet piece was a chance for a little lighter f u n a n d a great o p p o r t u n i t y to hear more of the s w i r l i n g sounds of s p r i n g f r o m Bruno Priery's accordion. A p p a r e n t l y it was the first time out of France for this farmer/musician and it s o u n d e d like he might still have been there. By this time I w a s desperate to lure more friends into m y g r o w i n g addiction as m y first attempt h a d

Page 42

been a complete disaster. I h a d dragged along a couple of guys to The Sneeze at the A l d w y c h . T h i n k i n g that y o u c o u l d n ' t go too far w r o n g w i t h C h e k h o v a n d certainly w i t h what w a s billed as four comic sketches. I was horrified to see the result. M i c h a e l F r a y n h a d made some m i s g u i d e d attempt to adapt pieces that C h e k h o v admitted he had ' k n o c k e d together'. R o w a n A t k i n s o n p u l l e d i n the crowds but couldn't make m u c h of any of it. O h dear it was g o i n g to be h a r d to drag those t w o out again.

T he second stark piece w a s a n exercise i n t i m i n g a n d trust as the c o m p a n y tossed polystyrere blocks a r o u n d w i t h reckless a b a n d o n . Intercepting the valuable slabs for w h i c h they competed each of t h e m struggled to lay out some k i n d of private p a t h w a y . A p a t h w a y to

F i n d i n g a couple of venues as close as the F u l h a m R o a d w a s a treat. M a r l o w e ' s Doctor Faustus s u m m o n i n g the devil to The Lost Theatre and The Rose Tavern trying to appeal w i t h A s You Like It. Further afield i n Islington was another of m y favourite k i n d of venues; the ones w i t h good beer o n tap. A t the K i n g s H e a d C o w a r d ' s Peace in Our Time was an unexpected pleasure a n d encouraged me to check out his Blithe Spirit just recently. (I must catch The Vortex too w h i c h is till going strong at The Garrick.) So, i t ' s the s u m m e r n o w , a n d h o w the hell a m I going to get through it? There's a n incredible S p a n i s h c o m p a n y La Tartana Teatro c o m i n g to W a t e r m a n ' s from M o n d a y June 19. They are going to do something amazing I hear w i t h tons of sand, water a n d giant puppets. I've been p r o m i s i n g myself some Shakespeare a n d I ' m

It w a s getting worse n o w as I d i s c o v e r e d y o u c o u l d go t o lunchtime theatre as w e l l . A t the Cafe Theatre Upstairs above the Bear a n d Staff at Leicester Square, Pirandello's short play p r o v e d a good w a y to pass a lunchbreak. N o t to mention the pint before a n d after The Man with the Flower in his Mouth. The A r t a u d C o m p a n y were as convivial a n d generous as they seemed disorganised: unable to put on the other short piece b y the M a r q u i s de Sade w e got i n to the Pirandello free. The s p r i n g months were flooded w i t h fantastic dance opportunities^ so I h a d to pack some more into m y t i m e . Back at T h e P l a c e t h e D u t c h m a n W i m V a n d e k e y b u s put on a n amazing s h o w entitled What the Body Does Not Remember. Seated towards the back of the stage a figure slapped out a r h y t h m o n a table a n d the amplified s o u n d r u n g a r o u n d the theatre. O n the stage i n front w a s a g r i d m a r k e d out by powerful footlights, two m e n rolled a r o u n d this grid i n time w i t h the movement of the hands. They collapsed as the palms slapped flat and arched as the puppeteer's fingertips s u m m o n e d t h e m u p .

Herve Jourdet where w a s not so clear. The t h i r d piece w a s a flutter of bath towels a n d flashing glimpses of flesh. T h e dancers criss-crossed on near collision courses snatching and s w a p p i n g their items of dress as they went. U n l u c k y enough to miss Le Ballet d u Fargistan at The Place I caught t h e m at Waterman's as I wrote i n a recent review.

FELIX

well overdue at the N a t i o n a l . But this is the final issue of F E L I X this year a n d I don't k n o w h o w m a n y Postgraduate issues there w i l l be next term to write reviews for. M a y b e y o u c o u l d help me out. If y o u see a dishevelled figure stalking the Roderick H i l l d o h i m a favour and give h i m a ticket to SOMETHING! MAC.

June 21 1989

Film Fileby Sumit

Guha

The fruits of the recent film production boom are due to arrive here over the coming months. Here is a taste of things to come.

Indiana Jones and e the Last Indy (Harrison Ford), accompanied by his father, D r H e n r y Jones (Sean Connery) embark o n the quest for the H o l y G r a i l . F i n a l installment of the megahit series is everything y o u expect. Great f u n , it is m u c h lighter i n m o o d than Temple of Doom a n d more like Raiders. A great o p e n i n g sequence sees the y o u n g Indy (River Phoenix) h a v i n g his first adventure. W i t h The Last Crusade Spielberg resigns as filmdoms M r Fantasy and he does it with a stylistic, tough, and a rich m e l d i n g of h u m o u r a n d action. W o n d e r f u l . Release date 28th June.

g On Empty

Married to the Mob Steve M a r t i n roams the French Riviera cadging twenty dollar handouts a n d free lunches, but a c h a n c e m e e t i n g w i t h elegant, erudite M i c h a e l Caine introduces h i m to a higher class of c o n . W o n d e r f u l c o m e d y directed b y Frank O z . Release date 30th June.

n Deep John Ritter plays a d r u n k a n d compulsive womaniser, whose wife runs out o n h i m . A s he 'experiments' with different w o m e n he discovers that it is only his wife he wants. Blake Edwards directs this comedy. Release date 7th July.

e A t h i r d f i l m i n the series (after The Three Musketeers a n d The Four Musketeers) reunites the original cast—Michael Y o r k , O l i v e r Reed, R i c h a r d C h a m b e r l a i n a n d Frank Finlay—as the musketeers, n o w middle-aged a n d i n need of a n adventure. Release date 4th Aug.

Tal Radio O l i v e r Stone's deeply d i s t u r b i n g f i l m examines the final few days i n the life of a n abrasive radio talk s h o w host (Eric Bogosian). Inspired by the real life 1984 murder by white supremacists of Denver talk s h o w host A l a n Berg. Release date 22nd July.

June 21 1989

W o n d e r f u l l y w a c k y comedy w i t h Michelle Pfeiffer (Dangerous Liaisons) as the w i d o w of a mafia hit-man w h o wants to lead a n o r m a l life. D e a n Stockwell is hilarious as the mafia boss w h o tries to romance her. Jonathan D e m m e (Something Wild) directs. Release date 23rd June.

Homeboy M i c k e y Rourke a n d Christopher W a l k e n star as a n ageing boxer a n d a small time crook, w h o look for the easy life, but instead f i n d tragedy. Release date 14th July.

The Raggedy

Who's Harry

John C a n d y (Splash, Spaceballs) plays an inept private investigator w h o bungles a n d bamboozles h i s w a y towards the solution of a crime of national importance. Release date 7th July.

Gena Rowlands, Gene Hackman, M i a Farrow a n d Ian H o l m star i n a psychological drama about a w o m a n w h o finds out w h o she really is, and that she is not w h o she thought she was. Written a n d directed by a very serious W o o d y A l l e n . Release date 28th July.

Women on the s

eo n

C r a z y S p a n i s h f i l m written a n d directed by Pedro A l m o d o v a r looks into the female psyche i n a comical, unorthodox a n d madcap w a y . Release date 16th June.

Police Academy 6

S i d n e y L u m e t directs this t o u c h i n g drama about a family o n the r u n f r o m the Feds f o l l o w i n g M u m a n d D a d ' s rebel stance i n the sixties. River P h o e n i x (Stand By Me) is excellent as the eldest s o n w h o wants to quit r u n n i n g . Release date 28th July

Is anyone really interested i n this tripe anymore? H e r e the team are trying to uncover the identity of the mysterious mastermind whose crime organisation is reeking havok a r o u n d the city. Release date 14th July.

Splendor

The

M a r c e l l o M a s t r o i a n n i gives a moving performance i n this celebration of the cinema as a w a y of life. A sentimental f i l m about people t r y i n g to save their local cinema. Release date 28th July.

T o m H a n k s plays a suburbanite whose plans for a peaceful vacation at h o m e are shattered b y h i s a p p r e h e n s i o n about a w i e r d n e w family o n the block. John L a n d i s directs. Release date 28th July.

, Hellraiser II

Bob H o s k i n s makes h i s directorial debut, as w e l l as stars i n this w h i m s i c a l tale set i n the gypsy world. Release date 30th June.

Another Woman

Lacklustre sequel to h i g h l y interesting original. H e r e K i r s t y (Ashley Laurence) takes a trip to hell to try to release her father f r o m his eternal torment a n d she, of course, meets u p w i t h P i n h e a d a n d the Cenobites. Release date 16th June.

Wilt Henry Wilt dreams about m u r d e r i n g his wife. T o satisfy this fantasy h e ' m u r d e r s ' a n inflatable doll—just as his wife goes m i s s i n g . Based o n T o m Sharpe's novel, M e l S m i t h a n d G r i f f R h y s Jones star. Release in October.

FELIX

s o Ne The Merchant-Ivory team (A Room with a View) t u r n their attention to the complexity a n d lunacy of life i n N e w Y o r k . Everyone is p u r s u i n g everyone else i n a desperate quest for the pursuit of success, happiness a n d a better apartment. W i t h Bernadette Peters (Pennies from. Heaven). Release date 18th Aug.

Ho to Get Ahead in g R i c h a r d E G r a n t (Withnail and I) plays a successful ad-exec w h o develops a creative block over a new campaign for p i m p l e cream w h i c h leads to the growth o n his o w n neck of a boil. A hackneyed script b u t great lead performance. Release date 28th July.

Page 43

s l

Burt Reynolds a n d Theresa Russell i n a story about a violent cop w h o is framed for m u r d e r a n d becomes the c lient f o r a r i s i n g p u b l i c defendent. Release date 18th Aug.

The sixteenth B o n d a d v e n t u r e marks a slight change of direction for the films. N o t m u c h of a change, but a noticeable o n e . T h e tone is more of gritty realism rather t h a n fanciful light-heartedness. This time B o n d is o n his o w n , dismissed f r o m the British S S , h e sets out o n a personal m i s s i o n of vengeance for his friend F E L I X Leiter. H e is pitted against Sanchez, a drugs l o r d (a supremely nihilistic performance by Robert Davi). It's still thrill-a-minute stuff, but T i m o t h y D a l t o n portrays a m u c h more serious, earthly B o n d . I, for one, welcome the change. Release date 16th June.

s P a u l M c G a n n (Withnail and I) a n d Rebecca d e M o r n e y star i n a romantic drama of today's City h i g h flyers. Release in July.

d A beautifully poetic a n d , at times, surrealistic, w o r k about a tramp (Rutger Hauer) w h o is h u m a n i s e d t h r o u g h a gift for m o n e y . H a u e r says little b u t conveys m u c h i n a p o w e r f u l portrayal. Release in September.

g Totally insane A u s t r a l i a n c o m e d y about a g u y w h o formulates the Theory of Relativity, invents the electric guitar, falls i n love w i t h Marie Curie, proves his wavemotion theory by i n v e n t i n g the surfboard a n d uncovers a plot to destroy Europe w i t h a n atomic beer k e g at the 1906 Science A c a d e m y A w a r d s . See it to believe it. Release date 13th Oct.

Three major directors combine their talents for a n anthology of m i n i films all set i n the Big A p p l e . M a r t i n Scorsese is at his artistic best i n Life Lessons. W o o d y A l l e n ' s piece is Oedipus Wrecks w h i c h is hilarious. Frances C o p p o l a is surprisingly off colour i n h i s segment Life Without Zoe. Release date 6th Oct.

e The m oving story of Lasse (Max V o n S y d o w ) a n d h i s s o n Pele. W h o emigrate f r o m S w e d e n to Denmark i n search of n e w dreams a n d a n escape f r o m poverty. This w o n the 1989 Oscar for the Best Foreign Film. Release date 23rd June.

k M i c h a e l Douglas sets off o n a manhunt for a n escaped prisoner. Ridley Scott directs this suspense t h r i l l e r set i n t h e J a p a n e s e underworld. Release date 22nd Sept.

e A n i m a t e d adventure follows t h e journey of five donosaurs a n d their quest to reach The Great Valley, where they c a n g r o w u p a n d survive. Produced by Spielberg and Lucas. Release date 4th Aug.

Page 44

Supernatural thriller w i t h Joanna Pacula (Gorky Park), as a fashion m o d e l w h o hides a deep evil secret concerning African spiritualist ritual. Release date 21st July.

k A N o r s e m a n thinks there's more to life than raping a n d pillaging. M o s t of the Monty Python team reunite for a jolly jaunt a r o u n d N o r w a y i n this fantasy-comedy-adventure. John Cleese plays H a l f d a n the Black, Terry Jones directs. Release date 15th Sept.

M i c h a e l (Batman) Keaton gives a stirring performance i n this f i l m dealing w i t h a m a n w h o goes through a drug rehabilitation program a n d the consequences that follow. Release in September.

s T w o married friends become enmeshed in romantic complications w h e n their spouses fall i n love w i t h each other. T e d D a n s o n a n d Isabella Rossellini star i n this tepid H o l l y w o o d remake of the French f i l m Cousin, Cousine. Release date 18th Aug.

t D e n n i s Q u a i d stars i n a p e r i o d musical of the life of Jerry Lee Lewis tracing the scandalous rise of the rock ' n ' roll musician w h o became k n o w n as 'The K i l l e r ' . Based o n the book by his bride a n d cousin M y r a . Release in November.

The present a n d future threaten to collide i n this science-fiction drama. K r i s Kistofferson plays air crash investigator a n d C h e r y l L a d d is a mysterious airline employee w h o is i n reality a traveller from the future. Release date 20th Oct.

N i c k N o l t e (48 Hours) is a n e w l y paroled ex-bank robber w h o is taken hostage d u r i n g a bank raid b y the inept M a r t i n Short (Innerspace). The A bad guy kicks the stuffing out of cops d o n ' t believe that h e ' s a n the k i d (27 year-old R a l p h Macchia). innocent bystander, a n d so, along W i t h the help of M r M i y a g i (Pat w i t h a small daughter, they f i n d Morita), he returns the favour. John A v i l d s e n (Rocky), k i n g of t h e themselves o n the r u n , and o n each other's nerves. u n d e r d o g movie, directs again, but Release date 25th Aug. the formula is wearing t h i n . Release date 28th July.

The return of the b u d d y cops M e l Gibson a n d Danny Glover. G i b s o n ' s character has w o r k e d out his s u i c i d a l tendencies a n d is enjoying life with love interest Patsy Kensit. But first the duo have to sort out some S o u t h A f r i c a n heavies. Release date 15th Sept.

This sequel to Cronenberg's The Fly sees the s o n of Brundlefly (Eric Soltz) ageing at an accelerated rate. Epic underwater adventure f r o m To save his life he must decipher the James Cameron (Terminator, Aliens). mystery of h i s father's m i x e d u p A team of divers search f o r a genes. stricken nuclear submarine a n d find Release date 8th Sept. themselves o n a voyage of w o n d e r a n d discovery. A welcome return for C a m e r o n , w h o is p o i s e d to take N i c k Nolte stars as a W o r l d W a r over Spielberg's fantasy mantle. T w o soldier fighting i n Borneo w h o Release in October. is captured b y aborigines, marries i n t o t h e tribe, a n d u l t i m a t e l y becomes their ruler. A l s o w i t h N i g e l H a v e r s a n d James Fox. Release date 7th July.

n The most eagerly awaited a n d h y p e d u p p r o d u c t i o n of the summer. Gone are the days of camp h u m o u r . This is a dark, deadly serious caped crusader (Michael Keaton) battling Jack N i c h o l s o n ' s Joker i n a sleazy G o t h a m C i t y . V i s u a l w i z T i m B u r t o n (Beetlejuice) directs, K i m Basinger co-stars a n d Prince provides six f u n k y tunes. Expect Batmania i n A u g u s t . Release date 11th Aug.

FELIX

r Probably the final outing for the ageing b a n d of space explorers. If it's a n y t h i n g as good as Part 4 w e s h o u l d be i n for a treat. W i l l i a m Shatner takes the h e l m as both C a p t a i n K i r k and director. Release date 20th Oct.

June 21 1989

X Monday

Wednesday

Friday

19 J u n e

1 July

1 August

1 September 2

1 October

* *

jTj

2 ,