http://www.felixonline.co.uk/archive/IC_1991/1991_0920_A by Ravi Pall

CHRISTMAS ISSU

Felix 920

1 December

"I'm not a student. How do I pick up The Telegraph for 20p?" Lie. No forms. No I.D. No coupons. Just walk into any University or Poly shop displaying a Student Newsave sign, and you can have The Telegraph for 20p.

Felix is produced for and on behalf of the Imperial College Union Publications Board and is printed by the Imperial College Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2 B B . (Tel: 071-225 8672). Editor: Adam Harrington, Business Manager: Jeremy Burnell. Copyright Felix 1991. ISSN 1040-0711.

11 December 1991

Felix 920

News

A Long Road Strike

action

College

disrupted

December

Alarm

Imperial

Wednesday,

4th

as manufacturing

halted w o r k

Rape

staff

in protest about

the

proposed sackings o f security and

The

messenger staff. T h e y also lobbied

lavatories

the

College's

which

will

whether

the

alarms

the

ladies

in the U n i o n B u i l d i n g

Body,

were found to have been turned o f f

decision

on Saturday night, after a w o m a n

Governing take

rape

implement

was

the

assaulted found

there.

using

man

female

controversial plans (see Felices 917,

student

918 and 919)

lavatory facilities and w h e n he was

the

asked to leave he attacked her. In

T h e w hole college c l o s e d d o w n except for the Q T snack bar in the

response a rape a l a r m was pressed

Junior C o m m o n R o o m ( J C R ) , and

but no a l a r m s o u n d e d , after w h i c h

Southside bar. both o f w h i c h are

the w o m a n c o n c e r n e d managed to

owned

the

College.

remove her assailant and take h i m

Most

d o w n to the U n i o n B a r .

laboratories, libraries and computer

Subsequently

terminal r o o m s were also shut or severely

restricted by

security

dentist's

appointment c ard was

temporary

discovered

which was believed to belong to the

measures.

attacker,

Most students seemed unaware o f

Dean

the action and continued to attempt

identifying

O'Broin,

h i m as

born

March

w o r k , but often c o u l d not due to

1969. H e is also thought to be part

library and laboratory closures. O n e

of Cardiff University Rugby C l u b . A

student told F e l i x that 'the strike is

test

the

rape

alarms

a waste o f time, w h y should they

f o l l o w i n g the incident showed that

ruin

Another

three o f rape a l a r m plungers were

Lucas,

b r o k e n and w o u l d not w o r k i f they

education?'.

student.

Daniel

Lloyd

sympathised with the action but saw

had

'no point' in not going into C o l l e g e .

M a i n t e n a n c e officer was called to

Sue

Sharpe.

secretary

Manufacturing.

F i n a n c e trade union ( M S F ) ,

turned

on.

The

Duty

the

investigate, but felt that no w o r k

and

c o u l d be done to repair the system

said

at the time due to the possibility o f

Science

been

false a l a r m s .

afterwards that the strike went very well and c l a i m e d that the ' C o l l e g e

D e p u t y H e a d o f Security T e r r y

was quieter than C h r i s t m a s D a y ' .

B r i l e y c o m m e n t e d that it 'was not

D r Alan Taylor Russell, chairman

directly

o f the A s s o c i a t i o n o f

security should k n o w 'what w e ' v e

teachers

(AUT),

University

said he had

MSF picket the Rector's

residence.

it w o r k s . " M r B r i l e y contiued that taking place. M r B r i l e y c o u l d not

T h e R e c t o r , S i r E r i c A s h , said that

situation.

he felt he was unable to c o m m e n t

management s p o k e s m a n , said that

representations by

on how effective the strike action

details o f the proposals on the table,

Governing

had been.

saying that all offers were part o f

significant. W h e n asked about the

the consultations now taking place.

viability

T h e G o v e r n o r ' s meeting released

Steve

Sharpe

Newbold,

claimed

that

the

the p e r i o d o f negotiation w o u l d be

Union's

extended

than the present system and w o u l d

for

'one

week

but

not

were

proposals

cheaper

w h i c h cutbacks c o u l d be

Newbold road'

pointed

U n i o n s to the

Body any

made,

had

been

alternatives a

any

and

out

agreement that

the

negotiating

reduce the w o r k force by natural

period had been extended and that

wastage. D r T a y l o r Russell said that

a meeting was scheduled for next

savings

Tuesday

that

took

one

month',

account

College's

serious

Imperial financial

had

made

but

administration was also an area in

(14th,

December).

to repair the U n i o n rape alarms.

'long

and

than

comment o n how long it would take

said there was

p r o m i s i n g to consider any proposal

Loans

refused to be d r a w n o n any o f the There are

Access

Fund

Access from

room

Building. funds

were

students' 'financial

in the

Sherfield

-a slight increase o n last year.

Tony

Cullen,

open

able

all

'home

demonstrate

hardship'.

Community

interviews had been 'fully b o o k e d

344

said that the

students

European may

The

number

o f applications is

until

Christmas'

that

the

demand for interviews was

added that £100,000 had been used

year. M r C u l l e n expained this was

than expected." She added that ' n o

'very

due to a 'greater n e e d ' and noted

interviews are being booked into the

attract postgraduate students to the

that 100 forms had already

been

new year". A t present there are only

College.

for

p i c k e d up since they were released

three interviewers to c o v e r e v e r y

less

last Thursday. A l l application forms

student interested in a p p l y i n g for a

£10.000.

have to be returned by 1 st February

loan.

£150,000

1992.

interested in a p p l y i n g for a student

sucessfully' A

similar

undergraduates successful, left

as bursarys scheme

had

been

using about

approximatly

She

This

information f r o m S h e r f i e l d 344.

that was now available to Imperial

loan

C o l l e g e students.

Christmas.

worth

and

e x p e c t e d to m u c h higher than last

eligible and should ask for further M r C u l l e n said £260.000

Christmas. A member o f staff in the

o f access funds w o u l d be available

Assistant Registrar,

no f i r m plans

grants and fees office told F e l i x that

available

are

still

restart student loan interviews after

now

funds

but

a review o f all alarms in college was

college was ' v e r y quiet' that d a y .

a statement o n F r i d a y stating that

responsiblity'

got, where w e ' v e got it and whether

gauge o f the strike response but the

his

advised

telephone

'greater

students them

after

News

Felix 920

11 December 1991

Alarmed T w o tire alarms went off in T i z a r d .

S e l k i r k and F a l m o u t h K e o g h halls

sciences'

o f residence last Wednesday during strike

action

Security

by C o l l e g e

staff

must

staff.

c h e c k any

new 'centre

for

biomedical

The

estimated

building. 'Parts o f B i o l o g y - not all - would

w h i c h slightly less than half w o u l d

be associated with the new centre,"

T h e Institute o f C a n c e r

come from I C R .

T h e rest o f the

S i r E r i c told F e l i x , and in the letter

Research

is looking into the possibility

(ICR)

is about

o f such a

college c a m p u s in the near future.

o n the

project

cost

£40 m i l l i o n , o f

m a y be built

funding w o u l d have to be raised by

it states that this w o u l d

'allow a

b u i l d i n g before fire alarms c a n be

the C he ster

the C o l l e g e and S i r E r i c said in his

major

switched o f f and residents can re-

Beatty Laboratories o n the F u l h a m

letter that 'the chances o f success'

residences' in the Beit Q uadr a ng l e .

enter. T e m p o r a r y security had to be

R o a d . A c c o r d i n g to a letter from the

w o u l d be ascertained ' p r o b a b l y by

H e said that there was ' a better than

c a l l e d , a l o n g with the fire brigade,

Rector.

A s h . to the

Easter." It is thought that the new

evens

w h e n the first alarm went o f f at

G o v e r n i n g B o d y o f the C o l l e g e , the

b u i l d i n g might be built in the space

though d i s c u s s i o n s were still at an

between the Science M u s e u m and

early

6.45 p m . Another alarm sounded at 7.45

p m a n d temporary

were

again

security

required

no-one

was

relocating

ICR

from

Sir Eric

would

like to m o v e

onto a

the

U n i v e r s i t y site.

chance

o f pulling

student

it o f f

stage.

Biochemistry and Chemistry

.^tiHHM^

restore

order.

attacks o n the lifts in the H a l l s this

Although

hurt,

term. H e c l a i m e d to have written

Southside residents complained that

many letters to the C o l l e g e Estates

narrow staircases and the two m a i n

division during his period as warden

entrances to the four halls c o u l d

and

have

increase

been

broken

i f panic had

blocked

out. D r J o h n

Hassard,

Southside warden, said that the halls

had received

positive

response. M r Ian G i l l e t , Safety said

could

Director,

not c o m m e n t

were a 'death trap' and questioned

specifically

whether,

W e d n e s d a y , but said that due to the

i f there had been a real

o n the incident

last

fire, the residents c o u l d have been

strike action the fire brigade w o u l d

evacuated so easily.

have been called to any fire alarm

D r H a s s a r d added that security ' d i d n ' t c o p e ' with the situation o n W e d n e s d a y and are in the

wrong

immediately.

H e said about

fire

safety in Southside was well within legal requirements and ' s h o u l d be

place to m o n i t o r the b u i l d i n g i f a

alright'

fire does break out. H e c o m m e n t e d

alarms and d i d not b l o c k open fire

i f students

obeyed

fire

that there had been several arson

doors.

Debt Due College

Administration

roll o v e r debts' and that 'there was

' n e g o t i a t i n g ' with H i l l S a m u e l , the

nothing

merchant bankers, o v e r the date o f

m o n e y or p a y i n g interest. .Industry

the repayment o f a £10.72 m i l l i o n

does it all the t i m e . ' H e admited that

evil

about

borrowing

loan. A c c o r d i n g to the I C accounts,

' i f w e had succeeded in selling off

published recently, the debt was to

Montpelier H a l l ' problems

be repaid o n 31st D e c e m b e r . M r

have been eased, but that 85 hall

Terry

Neville,

director

would

places w o u l d have been lost. T h e

finance, told F e l i x that the date 'has

Rector added that paying off interest

been extended a number o f times

and not the £10.7 m i l l i o n capital is

already.'

'only

T h e R e c t o r . S i r E r i c A s h , told Felix that this 'was just the way y o u

a problem

l easehol d

i f y o u have a

and C l a y p o n d s

freehold."

s No I'm not about to resign but here's a Megacredit anyway. Permanent Staff ...against w h i c h I a m permanently

Editorial Staff Mover

Concept:

A l l the

Prime

Universe.

Nina.

Jones.

Pun Editor:

Nubile

Women:

Tiny T i m .

M r s E Beavan.

who have helped in ways forgotten.

Music Reviewers

Photography

pseudonyms than y o u have fingers)

Bar.

Cartoons

Parsley) W e b b

Palyaudvar

Justin

and A n d y

Spooner,

(Elvis

another

(Alien

(Pebbles)

Sex Fi e nd ) Butcher. Son of G o d

(Careers

Office)

Proctor, T r o y Tempest, Dave L a n e .

M o r t l e y , Jan H o j ,

Jonty B e a v a n ,

S i m o n G o v i e r , Stef

John

Holder of the Felicitous Purse and Creator Extraordinary of Vast Quantities of Waste Paper Jeremy Burnell. Collating Machine Tamers and Generally Nice People James G r i n t e r . Steve Newhouse. Genera! Contributors

'Oooer'

Stefan S c h m i d t , Jonathan B , Isiah

Smith,

y o u the best), S a m (S) C o x , T o b y Jones,

Mme

R ose

(polymath)

PaulIftikar

Simpson,

News

Stef S m i t h and all those

Sumit

H u s s a i n , S i m o n S u a n d loaus o f

leaning;

Graphics

Hyde,

Realisation: H e r r D o k t o r Neuhaus,

@ k i n s and & y T h o m p s o n . Stef S m i t h ,

Mathew

C h o u d h u r y . M y l a n Lester,

David

Ian ( P o d d y ) Palyaudvar Hodge.

Davies, B a r , Ian

Sports Reviewers

Seb.

E d i t o r K h u r r u m Sair.

(more

others.

Ian

Hodge.

(who

Argabright

leaves for the U S A today -

goodbye:

—2—

Jennifer

all the Felix staff

wish

Koph

Emma

Keeling, T i m

Percalaita,

Adam

Tinworth. Michael Factor. A l i s o n P o o l , all the letter writers, all those who contributed stuff to the reviews or sports pages and a n y b o d y w h o has been forgotten

again.

Felix 920

11 December 1991

Felix

Small Ads • FRAGRANCE

SALE:

High

Each

the

four

Constituent

class quality fragrances o f the finest

C o l l e g e U n i o n s ( C C U s ) are r u n i n

order at 'direct-to-the-public' prices

a s i m i l a r w a y to Imperial

plus a student discount. W h y pay

U n i o n ( I C U ) . T h e r e is an executive

retail prices w h e n y o u c a n buy the

committee (exec) responsible

fragrance for the same price as the

the day-to-day running o f the U n i o n

retailer?

and its affairs. T h i s is m a d e u p o f

See E d d i e

(lunchtime

in the J C R

12.30-1.30pm)

about

eight

people,

College for

but the top

T h u r s d a y 12th D e c e m b e r to make

three, President, V i c e President and

y o u r order before the C h r i s t m a s

H o n o r a r y Secretary are perhaps the

rush.

most notable since it is they w h o

• RACKET

RESTRINGING

w e a r the regalia a n d m a k e u p the

service. Badmi nto n £7, Squash £10,

top o f the c om m i t t e e. T h e E x e c is

T e n n i s £10. C a l l J i n Y e e o n ext

itself

4331 o r ext (80)437.

C o m m i t t e e ( G e n C o m m ) w h i c h is

responsible

to the G e n e r a l

T O S E E a b i g gori l l a?

made up o f about thirty people w h o

W a n t to hear a talking spider? A r e

are a l l representatives o f a n area o f

Representatives ( D e p Reps) o r club

you

the

c h a i r m e n . A l l the departments o f

T h e C C U s are essentially arms o f

the college are represented b y both

I C U . each o f the C C U Presidents

• WANT

b r a v e e n o u g h to j o i n C a p t a i n

col l ege,

Departmental

Jack Dauntless in his fight against

their

the W i c k e d W i t c h ? T h e n y o u want to

see

Dramsoc's

'Little

Miss

M u f f e t ' 5th-7th D e c e m b e r 7 . 3 0 p m . Concert Hall.

Careers Info

• S E T B U I L D I N G , lighting, make-

• PLAN

u p , costumes, riggers, stage c r e w ,

M a n y o f the best j o b s m a y be filled

sound, etc, etc...Interested? and help with I m p e r i a l ' s

by Easter. D o n ' t miss y o u r ideal career by waiting until after y o u r

Staircase).

finals.

Chaplaincy

summer

Careers

should

Service

visit

and

mugs are n o w available. F e a t u r i n g

Vacation

Training

a colourful logo and wacky slogans.

which

include

study

the the

Scheme

files

details

£2.50, all profits go to L E P R A (a

opportunities pr ovi de d by a number

charity

helping

those

from

leprosy).

suffering

who

are

Contact

Society

is a V i c e - P r e s i d e n t o f I C U and sits

C h a i r m a n . T h e G e n C o m m is the

on that E x e c u t i v e C o m m i t t e e t o o .

m a i n p o l i c y m a k i n g body

employers.

Reps

and

They

o f the

information f r o m I C U but also in

to be passed b y it to progress any

feeding back opinion from the more

further.

localised

E a c h C C U gets its o w n m o n e y

C C U s as far as I C U is c o n c e r n e d

St M a r y ' s ,

all the m o n e y

v e r y slightly for each C C U ) . It is

are still studying and are m u c h more

then

u p to the C C U ' s

Finance

C o m m i t t e e to decide what to d o with it. T h e large majority goes to in sporting activities such as rugby.

such

S h e r f i e l d — o p e n f r o m 10am to 5 p m

commemorative

shields a n d pots

in M e c h E n g F o y e r .

Southside G y m .

College.

Basketball C l u b

for entries for this

Volleyball court.

and around

T h e deadline page

Imperial

the

Monday

prior

publication.

12.45pm

Fitness C l u b

THURSDAY

12.45pm

Southside Lounge.

1.30pm

Balloon C l u b Meeting

l.OOpm

YHA

Meet at Beit Arch. Wargames A l l welcome.

M i c r o C l u b Meeting Top floor N W corner Union Building.

Postgrad L u n c h

Intermediate/Medals

6.00pm Ballroom

6.30pm

Swimming Pool.

General.

Shaolin System

G l i d i n g C l u b Meeting

Aero 266.

Soc

Beginners Ballroom & Latin:

12.30pm

1st

World

7.30pm

Union Lounge. Lots of good booze.

7.30pm 8.00pm

Advanced Ballroom & Latin.

Southside

12.45pm

I C C A G Soup R u n

Disco

Lounge. Maths 408. Club members Prayers

Kung F u

l.OOpm 4.30pm

C.U.

Prayer Meeting

5.00pm

413 Maths. Christian U n i o n

6.00pm

308 Computing.

6.30pm

Swimming Sports Centre.

9.15pm

Club training.

Fencing C l u b T r a i n i n g

Meet Weeks Hall Basement.

6.40pm

Shaolin System N a m Pa i C h u a n

l.OOpm

l.OOpm welcome.

Southside G y m . See Islamic Society.

8.30pm

Southside Bar.

1.30pm

12.45pm

Committee Meeting. Southside Upper

Meeting

Southside G y m .

12.30pm

12.40pm

Union G y m .

Real A l e Society

IC Shotokan Karate

12.30pm

R a g Meeting

Friday

7.00pm

Meeting

....12.30pm

Room, Union Building. Training

Conservative

L a b o u r C l u b Meeting

Dance C l u b JCR.

12.30pm

Speaker Meeting. Clubs Committee

7.00pm

5.30pm

Gym.

11.30am

Professional tuition.

Fencing

office at l u n c h t i m e .

Physics 737.

Judo C l u b

Union S C R (old Union Office).

N a m Pa i C h u a n

JCR.

Beginners Training.

6.30pm

security strike, etc, etc. T h e best place to find t h e m is in their C C U

3rd

JCR.

3rd-World 1st

do y o u think o f the college d a y ,

Gardens).

2.30pm

Union G y m .

are then find out, track

them d o w n a n d have a c h a t — w h a t

Dance C l u b

Fencing T r a i n i n g

If y o u don't know w h o y o u r C C U officers

9.30pm

Chaplains Office (10 Princes

1.30pm

what the students

want.

Union Lounge. Everyone welcome.

Southside Upper Lounge.

1.15pm

with

students

Chaplains Office (10 Prince's

Southside Upper Lounge. Meeting

touch

with

7.30pm

Intermediate & advanced coaching. ,

5.30pm

& Latin.

Fencing T r a i n i n g . . . . .

Diving

the

contact

Southside G y m . Advanced.

Ents Club Night in Union Lounge.

Southside G y m . Intermediate.

D r a m S o c Improv Class

Midweek Event

Kung F u Club

Bike C l u b

Kung F u

special

day

7.30pm

Union G y m . W u Shu Kwan.

WEDNESDAY

UDH.

Entertainments and other

Fitness C l u b

Libido

C y c l i ng T r a i n i n g

T h e remainder is spent o n U n i o n

M o n d a y to F r i d a y .

A n up-to-the-minute guide to events

since the sabbaticals have little d a y whereas the officers o f the C C U s

expenditures

12.30-1.30pm

o f the

it does

to the C a r e e r s S e r v i c e , R o o m 3 1 0 ,

T u e s d a y lunchtime

role

(about £15,000 although

1991.

F o r further information c o m e

important

Oxfam

every

most

c o m e s in one l u m p s u m f r o m I C U

y o u r o r d e r o r c o m e along to the lunch,

the

Apart

Milkround

Charity

and is financially autonomous (that

B e n Irons, C h e m E n g 4, to place

is o n 13th D e c e m b e r

catchment

individual college. T h i s is probably

means it looks after itself).

the C l u b s and Societies, particularly

T h e second c l o s i n g date for the

not only act in passing o n

U n i o n and all major decisions have

from

Students seeking vacation w o r k next

LONDON

now.

biggest

from DramSoc Storeroom, U n i o n

• WEST

FUTURE

Come

ever s h o w — G r e a s e (further details Bar

YOUR

Dep

that each u n i o n keeps.

7.30pm

Southside G y m .

FRIDAY Hang Gliding Southside Upper Lounge.

— 3—

Water Polo

12.30pn,

7.30pm

Sports Centre. Southside

Disco

8.30pm

Music

Felix 920

11 December 1991

Cdfs

J d Z Z

F o r those o f y o u w h o have yet to set

foot

out

Knightsbridge/

Kensington, probably

one o f the

trendiest places to visit and hangout is C a m d e n T o w n . B o t h d u r i n g the day and night, there's m u c h to do and

see

and

place

which

b u z z i n g with sound and energy is the Jazz C a f e o n P a r k w a y ,

which

offers

open

every

night

and

weekend lunches, with the beat o f funky music and live acts whilst y o u enjoy the buffet l u n c h . T h e o w n e r John D a v n e r has done a brilliant j o b o n the resurrection o f the venue and most

rate

it along

Scotts, but

with

Ronnie

in m y o p i n i o n it's a

' w h e r e it's at' or 'the

happening

p l a c e ' and to support this, I spent Saturday lunchtime there eating and loitering to the m u s i c o f The

Hip

there is one). T h e totally relaxing

Brazilian style which was more than

lunch,

Joints (who incidentally have played

bass, K e i t h Pitts, h e l d the m u s i c

welcome,

furnishings.

together in parts and gave the

baseball

IC),

their

two

afternoon

sessions.

Hip

and

with

ponytails,

caps and hats (with the

standard

Levi's),

H o w e v e r the lead vocalist's rapping

people's

feet

and

cred'.

a r o u n d nine months and are v e r y

and singing occasionally to a m i n o r

m o t i o n whilst they enjoyed the late

Ajit

funky in sound where each m e m b e r

extent detracted

is i n c l i n e d to his o w n

impact as musicians. A l t h o u g h in all

The

band

movements

have

been

together

rhythmic

and noise, w h i c h all

j o i n to f o r m a unique beat and bass funk. T h e y started w e l l and

Dave

P r i z e m a n o n trumpet blew his heart out to a

unding welcome

f r o m the

some

intrusions

sweet

solo

which

into

boys

rhythm

set

art

sax

c o n s i d e r y o u r s e l f to have Medtia.

IC Radio 999 kHz

mellowed

and

S o m e t i m e s the m u s i c took to the inclination o f that South A m e r i c a n

Time

Wednesday

9am

Breaks, Bass & Bleeps 3

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

MUSIC JAM

12pm

Dan The

Keith

Adrian

1pm

Man

Gareth Mitchell

Gareth

2pm

Music

Catherine Lows

Chris

4.30pm

Jam

Music Jam

The Globe Trotter

5pm

Spev & Dave

Flage

Jim Liz

6pm

Omer

7pm

Nik

Richard Collins

Jon

8pm

Steena (Arts)

Catherine

News Desk

9pm

Rob

Marcus

News Desk

10pm

Barney

Marcus

Me Mark Paqe

suppose y o u might buy it.

Dave

T h i s double a l b u m gives y o u 16 tracks: at first attempt the holes in the m i d d l e o f the records w o u l d n ' t fit onto the spindle (was m y r e c o r d deck t r y i n g to tell m e something?). It offers y o u the 'delights' o f James W e l l , the c o v e r o f this c o m p i l a t i o n

Brown

promises ' B a n g i n g tunes for H a r d

Insomniak

dead

(Bassline

Style,

trax mix) by

D J P C , and R e e l 2 R e e l ' s I.E.,

mention

just

We a

are

like s o m e b o d y

just

Neil J

few.

Unfortunately some o f these tracks sound

got

synthesizer for their birthday. I did

- Lise The

accompanying

publicity

p r o m i s e d ' a n unmissable collection put together by the U . K . ' s dance

label'.

finest

But i f y o u were a

' H a r d beat f a n ' ,

you'd

o r i g i n a l records already,

the k i n d o f m u s i c y o u like then I

'street

e v e r y o n e out.

w o r t h y o f any j a z z hall o f fame (if

beat fans'. W h a t can I say? If that's

deco

band's

fairness, he m o r e than made up by playing

these

very

D ef i ni tely a place to go i f y o u

the u n d e r l y i n g m u s i c beat.

Joints

around

have

the

wouldn't

11pm

you? Right. Tweedledum.

â&#x20AC;&#x201D; 4 â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

RADIO LUXEMBOURG

CLOSE DOWN

Music

Felix 920

11 December 1991

Munich Philharmonic plays Abba Classics m a r v e l l o u s l y orchestrated. I think it's possibly the best C D w e ' v e ever had.

It's karaoke

class. Abba

for the u p p e r

are the o n l y

decent

thing ever to c o m e out o f N o r t h e r n E u r o p e , and this is the second most l o v e l y thing ever to c o m e out o f M u n i c h , a n d I think I k n o w what

The

Munich

respected

was

Philharmonic

throughout

I ' m talking about even i f y o u d o n ' t . G o o n , defeat F r e d d i e ' s sick ploy

the w o r l d .

T h a t was before they went totally

l o o p y . I have c o n v i n c i n g evidence

records and buy this instead. If y o u

right here. Fortunately for t h e m ,

d o n ' t like it, give it to y o u r M u m

I ' m m a d as w e l l . I l o ve it. T h i r t e e n

for C h r i s t m a s . O r m y M u m .

absolute

peaches

get s o m e o n e

to b u y

Queen

Lise Yates.

songs,

Pele/GNE - IC Union Munich,

or possibly

Berlin.

Pele o n the other ha nd , are quite r o c k y and f o l k y , in a p o p p y sort of way. I ' d rather have h a l f an h o u r of

Blur - High Cool

them

Christmas chart hopeful, and

Dan (vocals, guitar) and Matt (Bass) a n d I a n (guitar) are backstage at Thames Poly. W h a t d o y o u want us to talk about?

I dunno, just chat away.

hours

o f Bad

y o u lechers

were

there f o r

N i c k o ' s legs, and not for the tunes.

it sounds just the same as all the

Blur's

than

any d a y . S h a m e that most

Manners

I really

Still, never one to shun it's readers,

O n record they c o m e out

Felix has a treat for y o u o n page 14,

others. If y o u liked them, y o u ' l l like

I d o n ' t k n o w about GNE,

this. If not, y o u w o n ' t . In fact I ' m

don't.

b e g i n n i n g to suspect that Blur are

really quite ethereal and l o v e l y , but

'cause at least y o u were there. A

actually just releasing the same disc

live, they're kind o f uninvolving

l o v e l y , early C h r i s t m a s p r e s E N T ,

over and over, and just changing the

really. Bearable, w e l l worth three

and I ' m talking about Pele, y o u

label.

q u i d for them alone, y o u b o r i n g

pe rvs .

Lise Yates.

Joan Jett, and all that?'

bastards, but nothing special.

adds Matt.

clue

what

you're

on. You're

Lise Yates.

And

I was s a y i n g

I think it was Jefferson A i r p l a n e ,

hopeless, a hapless

fuckwit.

continues Toby

continues D a n , and then, in an attempt to confuse me completely, says R e m e m b e r that time w h e n m y

What

on Thursday

comes

about

Matt

'no, no, n o , '

a n d then

up behind

suggests Dan. T h i s girl c a m e up to

' H e l l o g i r l s , h o w about some T -

M a t t after the g i g a n d said ' h o w

shirts for f r e e ? '

T e l l them about the n e w a l b u m

Y - F r o n t s were written o n b y the

m u c h are the T - s h i r t s ? ' , seven q u i d ,

Yeah, tell me about the new album.

brunettes, and then the next d a y , I

and she said T haven't quite got

last song o n Saturday, T o b y ,

forget I had them o n , and I was i n

e n o u g h ' , and then ' H o w about four

Dan.

W e l l , when w e ' v e released the first

m y m u m ' s r o o m and she saw them

pounds

single, then w e ' l l d o the a l b u m .

and said

H o w about that time w h e n T o b y got o f f with that b l o k e ? , suggests Dan, and he took his clothes off and

Y o u were well out o f touch in the

without y o u r clothes o n ? '

At this point we're interrupted by the return of Toby and Ian

I never did find out if she got the T-shirt.

4 Pounds & Something Special

' Wooohoooooaaaah' T h e r e ' s n o o n e i n the c r o w d ,

filled u p .

Dan. I remember y o u d i d that once

Polydor.

W e saw the posters o n the w a y up.

w h e n I was about to ejaculate, a n d

T h e y ' v e got written o n it ' H e r b , the

I said I ' m getting a b l o w j o b , c a n

band who should have supported the

you go away.

Where was this?

A t his house! T h a t ' s not very sociable, is it?

interview?

Toby.

started without m e .

N o t as unsociable as banging o n the

him

He picks it up, and shakes a burger wrapper at it.

d o o r . A r e y o u r e c o r d i n g this? Y o u

deep,

about 1992 a n d all that. What then?

about

Freddie

he continues,

'Freddie's

Dead'

(by

Mercury Let's

Fishbone)

tonight. It's a bit sad really. T o b y

their posters and because they're o n

little tape recorder doing? Is this our

really

Matt,

Matt is in the toilet now, and Ian is banging on the door. D o n ' t bang o n the d o o r , Ian, says

B a n d e r a s ' . H e y , what's that funny

something

interrupts

(guitar) from McDonalds. Ian doesn't say much. Toby, on the other hand, never one to keep quiet, says...

begin to suspect that this is not a completely true story. W h e n T o b y comes back, ask it was a w o m a n . I

T h e r e ' s n o - o n e there at

all. H e said when R a i n played it was Rain?

Interviews Herb

says

a n d s o m e t h i n g s p e c i a l W e l l , he responds, that's because t h e n ? ' , a n d M a t t spunked i n h i s y o u were a l l o v e r the shop. It's pants Matt furiously denied this. alright for y o u , y o u just sing

' W h e r e have y o u been

says Ian.

Lise Yates

Matt

m e a n d says

Y o u bastards,

you

••HeTto

supported R a i n . T h e r e only getting the gigs because

I told y o u it w o u l d be like this,

says Toby.

W e thought o f r i n g i n g

up and saying, y o u k n o w about this Monday,

says

o f those tits o n

well

Matt

doesn't

p l a y i n g o n M o n d a y s , so c a n w e d o a Saturday instead.

bitch!

How

about

Monday,

and

something special, volunteers D a n W e w o n ' t get as m a n y as w e d i d

A n d then o n Saturday there were

Dan continues.

o n Saturday,

continues Toby,

What do you think about 1992, Toby?

these t w o g i r l s ,

M a tt was l o o k i n g at these two g i r l s

at the d o o r , a n d she said ' Y o u ' l l

I d u n n o , it's like the year after this

all through this gig, but they fancied

have to pay two q u i d to get i n . ' and we said, w e ' r e the b a n d , y o u c a n

had a laugh then. T h e r e was this girl

(drummer) used to be in Q u e e n , y o u

one,

really

T o b y , a n d they went up to T o b y

know.

thought about it yet, c o s it hasn't

after the g i g , they were g o i n g , ' c a n

tell f r o m o u r accents, w e ' r e E s s e x

W a s n ' t it the Blackhearts, y o u know

happened yet, has it? I h a v e n ' t got

we have a free T - s h i r t ? '

boys.

isn't it? I ' l l haven't

— 5—

11 December 1991

Felix 920

Music

Lise Yates interviews

How did you sign to Polydor? W e ' r e actually signed to M & G , which is a small part o f P o l y d o r , it's completely

something

the set and o n the a l b u m are g o i n g

special. But slagging other bands

to be l o ve songs. T h e y just c o m e

o f f is dead u n p r o d u c t i v e .

out, it's just natural.

What do you think of the current music 'scene'?

How long do you see the band lasting.

La's.

Pele independent,

Polydor

think t h e y ' r e

Shite. It's g r i m , isn't it? G r i m l y

W e l l , it's difficult, but we

have just g i v e n them a huge wad o f

fiendish.

it's ' g o i n g

to have

cash to spend on us.

Do you have any favourite bands at the moment?

longevity,

that's

Before I formed the band I spent, like, three or four years

busking

conform

some

why

any

hope

sort

musical

won't trends,

E r r , no. I like older bands, V a n

because trends die out. If we d o n ' t do that, if we just stick to o u r guns,

round E u r o p e , that's what I d i d , it's

M o r r i s o n , B r u c e Springstein, T h e

the only other j o b I've ever had is

Jam, The Clash, The

busking.

B i l l y B r a g g . I d o n ' t think there's

g o i n g to swing round to our way o f

I left

school after

'A'-

Waterboys,

sooner

later

the

pendulum's

L e v e l s , I had a lot o f fun b u s k i n g ,

any real personalities left in pop

thinking.

but it's hard work, and the m o n e y ' s

music, so w e ' r e trying to put a little

Freddie Mercury

g r i m , y o u live hand to m o u t h , so I

o f that back into it, and that's the

O n e o f m y best friends is a massive

wrote these songs, and found the

m a i n thing, a bit o f v i b e , a bit o f

Queen

fan,

m u s i c i a n s , and that's it and we got

life and a few g o o d f u c k i n g tunes.

really

hated

just like a massive live f o l l o w i n g ,

Do you have your eyes on the charts?

tremendous ribbing, he had the piss

and every r e c o r d c o m p a n y

under

and

I always

Queen,

and

really he

got

taken out o f h i m all the time, 'cause I thought they were shite, pompous

Grimlv Fiendish

rock, and like Freddie M e r c u r y was such a p o s i n g bastard, but w h e n he died, I realised that I didn't actually hate h i m , I d o n ' t like a lot o f other music m o r e , I just thought it was so sad, and he was so brave, admitting that he was d y i n g o f a disease y o u shouldn't be d y i n g of. I think it's so g r i m , and tragic.

Do you think Queen will be Christmas number one? W h y not Q u e e n , I m e a n , he d i d it for twenty years, and i f F r e d d i e M e r c u r y hadn't been a r o c k ' n ' roll star he probably w o u l d n ' t be dead now. I hate Q u e e n ' s music, but I've m e l l o w e d in m y attitudes towards them as people. W e ' v e had people slagging

off

because

they

c o u l d n ' t understand w h y we had a violin,

and

Hammond

organ,

w e ' v e had people say that w e' re shit because o f that, but y o u ' v e got to take that o n b o a r d , as a socialist, and y o u ' v e got to give

everybody

a fair c r a c k o f the w h i p , except for grebos and T o r i e s .

So you don't like the Levellers then? I thought they'd be one of your influences.

I've never heard t h e m . A lot o f people have said ' y o u sound a lot like

the

Levellers',

but

they've

and

Y e a h , for fucking sure. W e don't

never been one o f m y influences.

saying 'send us d e m o s ' and we said

want to piss around being an indie

' n o , i f y o u ' r e interested in the band

group.

Do you t h i n k that the Hammond organ's a bit of a cult thing?

the sun was

p h o n i n g us up

want

fucking

y o u ' r e g o i n g to have to c o m e and

w o r l d w i d e , l i k e , 'cause we feel as

see u s . ' A n d they all c a m e ,

though

some

T h e organ itself is a pain in the

o n the

offer, lyrically as well as musically,

arse, because it's so b i g . T h e y ' r e

the most

all o f our l y r i c s actually stand for

a pain to transport, but nothing else

o f them put offers

table, and M & G ' s

was

and

right d o w n the l i n e , 'cause they let us design choose

our o w n

our

something

sounds

something.

them,

and

ninety

and

T h e first single was a vehement

percent o f bands who say w e ' v e got a H a m m o n d haven't, t h e y ' v e just

and

anti-royalist s o n g , w e l l , m o r e antiaristocracy m o r e than royalist. It's

got samples. It's just so natural. It's

artistic hand, and enough money to

not based all on this little fucking

c o o l . W e ' l l still have it in ten years,

do what we wanted to d o ,

which

daft dance beat, it's got substance

t h e y ' l l probably have m o v e d o n to

play

in it, and y o u can still dance to it.

glockenspiels or something.

was

They

out

and

B-sides

got

free

producers.

own

sleeves,

we've

gave

tour

us a

and

everywhere.

Do you think that there's a Liverpool scene, like with the Farm and that? The

Farm

are shite. I've got no

Do you incorporate politics like that into all your songs? No,

just

write

completely

Tell me about the album. T h e a l b u m is out in M a r c h , and no w o r d o f a lie, it's f u c k i n g great.

naturally, just whatever c o m e s to

There's

mind,

M e g a l o m a n i a , that'll be the second

like R a i d T h e Palace

was

track

called

at a l l . T h e only

written in ten minutes, I just like

single, that's g o i n g to be the end o f

L i v e r p o o l band I really like are T h e

spewed it out. A lot o f the songs in

January.

time for The Farm

if it were not for ' L i f e o n a s t r i n g ' .

with

have been the appearance o f d e m i -

Compared

Red

introduce h i m to his son. Except for

god

Lantern,

is not as

some open gay sex scenes, this is

A treat for H i n d i f i l m fans must

T h e 35th L o n d o n F i l m F e s t i v a l came

town

November,

Reviews

Felix 920

11 December 1991 during

mid-

loaded with o v e r 200

films f r o m all around the

world.

Amitabh

interviewed

Bachchan,

the

rather

bland

with

Life

Raise

the

on a String

commercial,

but

Bachchan d i d his best to enliven the

stunning photography

certainly

looks

names, i n c l u d i n g Point Break

audience.

director C h e n K a i g e . It's about the

Adapted

from

autobiography

of John Healy,

magic

emotional struggles o f being highly

starts with his y o u t h as a

productions.

A lot o f f i l m critics (yes, we had

respected. T h e film, however, over

because

uses s y m b o l i s m , but this is really

violent

father,

nothing

between his descent into alcoholism

L e t ' s kick off with what must surely have been one o f the best films at

the Red Lantern

the

and so d i d I (Su).

festival—Urga,

directed

N i k i t a M i k h a l o v . Urga is a F r e n c h -

from

R us s i an c o - p r o d u c t i o n ,

Yimou

Mongolia. goofy

Mikhalov

tale

which

filmed

weaves

little

Chinese

as their favourite, T h i s new

director

resembles

both

them

Zhang

his

acclaimed, film (Ju Dou) that

film last,

i n the way depict

how

and his rehabilitation, and

If M a r t i a l A r t s is y o u r favourite thing, then Once typical Hong

like few other films I have seen. It

the early 19th C e n t u r y . T h e story

political

really

is set in the reputable C h e n clan this

and

London

action-packed Kong,

with

and

film

satirical

about

from

surprisingly,

the

legendary

Cantonese

finally

successful

chess player. W i t h an unusual lifestory,

some

outstanding

performances and a neat d i r e c t i o n , this film stands out miles ahead o f the others. H i g h l y

undertones

Film

m a k i n g full use o f

film—Mikhalov

should not be m i s s e d . It's a

China

w o m e n were suppressed under the

beautiful

Upon a Time

his

switches

details his career as a

patriarchal C h i n e s e society d u r i n g

strikingly

the

boxer

from

then

w h o wants a feast for their eyes.

consequence ever c om e s to pass.

with

influence

magnificent scenarios. F o r someone

A n d yet it captures the imagination is

compared

the

film.

fascinating

must surely be eternally thankful for

spies in the Press Tent) voted Raise

and

the

y o u r very presence!

but the j e w e l s

and Johnny,

believing

like a real

o f the Festival are probably obscure

Frankie

offered

is a real g e m and

Grass Arena

and not enough dosh. T h e r e are b i g

Amitabh,

the

intending

m o r e suitable for the s m a l l screen.

certainly

but

The

D e r e k M a l c o l m f r o m the G u a r d i a n , Ah,

captured

will

family

W e l l , so m a n y films so little time, and

viewers

his

French

film

recommended.

lovers

should

satisfied with the varieties o f F r e n c h

Festiva

hero

who

has

been

films offered, i n c l u d i n g A u x and Merci

Veux

portrayed i n m o r e than 90 H o n g

Du Monde

and adding his o w n flighty images

Kong

o f w h i c h feature the up and c o m i n g

and

Brilliant

dreamscapes.

spoof

complete

with

the

late

40s.

entertainent

and

it's

actress

Charlotte

T h i s year's Spanish box office hit

Gainsbourg.

special m e n t i o n about the f i l m

A Aux

(directed b y E r i c

Veux Du Monde

Kong.

k n o w i n g l y so, stands N i c h o l a s D e Refigerator.

since

already a box office smash in H o n g

In a lesser league, but very m u c h J a c o b ' s The

films

La Vie,

both

the undulating M o n g o l i a n landscape

Rochant) is that its m a i n character

(according to the producer himself),

morality twists, it concerns the all

is also i n the F e s t i v a l . Lovers

(aka

portrayed i n film history so far. H e

c o n s u m i n g desires o f a refigerator

A m a n t e s ) revolves around a y o u n g

kidnaps a school bus and thinks this

(i.e. the A m e r i c a n or capitalist way

officer's

with

his

w i l l impress his girlfriend! T h e kids

o f life). E i l e e n and Steve Bateman

fiancee T r i n i ( M a r i b e l V e r d u ) ,

who

move

is still a v i r g i n and his landlady

horror

movie

into their apartment

relationship

seedier part o f N e w Y o r k , h o p i n g

Luisa (Victoria Abril), who

to ' m a k e it' without falling into all

h i m w i l d sex and l o v e . E v e n t u a l l y

the associated traps o f ' s u c c e s s ' .

he surrenders Trini

But very quickly Steve and E i l e e n

Luisa

kills

kill

his

the

film

best

offer

anti-heroes

livening

S o m e t h i n g that has to be

said

about the F e s t i v a l is that there are m a n y substandard

Soultaker

films

and Liquid

The

Dreams.

are changed by the city, and their

fiancee.

relationships are distorted by the

story. V i c t o r i a A b r i l was a w a r d e d

Soultaker

aforementioned

best actress i n B e r l i n for this

Z e p p e l i n was w r o n g . T h e r e is no

appliance...

though

( c o m i n g to an I C A near you). T w o films f r o m w h i c h one might have

expected

Sayle's

City

(Thin

Blue

Dark

Wind.

were

John

and

Errol

Hope

Morris's

The

time, where Songlian (played by the striking G o n g L i again) is sent as

unfavourably

F o u r t h M i s t r e s s to the master, and

with Do the Right Thing) tackles the

the film continues with the rivalries

issue

between

Sayle's

compared

race

film

relations

the

mistresses

and

the

c r u m b l i n g A m e r i c a n city. T h e film

master's favourite until a s h o c k i n g

tends to ramble since Sayle insists

c l i m a x w h e n one o f the mistresses

on representing every m e m b e r

in my

found

committing

adultery.

opinion,

V e r d u offers

a more

performance.

The Dutch

Indecent

(which

may

Line)

B u t then this is a real life

atmosphere to the f i l m .

offers

to L u i s a and

help

one

drama

remarkable film

tells the affair

married woman

with a

o f Ghost. Liquid

Dreams

has some

stylish d e c o r , but is let d o w n by a p o o r script.

are some other films w h i c h have not been c o v e r e d , but have very g o o d

aren't any m o r a l judgements w h i c h

hypes d u r i n g the festival:

are always expected i n other films. T h e r e are also some

Lost Language The

and

about a family with a gay

Grass

T h e former

(Scotland) Summer

Day

(Taiwan) Delicatessen (France) Hearts of Darkness—A Film Makers Apocalypse (USA) Proof (Australia) Toto the Hero (Belgium)

The

and

of the Cranes

Arena.

Betty's Brood A Brighter

made-for-

Z h a n g Y m o u this time uses space tense

It's e v e n

c o m p l i m e n t to say it's a piss-take

point o f v i e w , and therefore there

colours like i n Ju Dou,

the

to h e a v e n ' .

The 'Led

the story is told f r o m the w o m a n ' s

whole effect. M o r r i s ' s film just fails

create

about quotes:

E n o u g h bad words said about the

as a g o o d thriller.

its

quality o f the films c h o s e n . H e r e

T V broadcast films i n c l u d i n g

decor

stairway

thing is

T h e special point o f the film is that

Instead o f the wonderful contrast o f

A guy o n top f o r m , though, was

good

stranger.

the c o m m u n i t y and thus diluting the

director

is another erotic

Woman who

film,

Maribel

only

father

Paul C o x , with his follow-up to The

atmosphere in the B I G house. Sex

(Brian C o x ) ,

Golden

Tale.

has never been depicted in such a

lecturer and has been i n the closet

T h e f i l m deals unsentimentally but

subtle but revealing way before, for

for m a n y years, his secretive wife

with

example, when the c a m e r a focused

(Eileen A t k i n s ) and their son O w e n

on the facial expression o f Songlian

(Angus

brilliant trailer o f the F i l m F e s t i v a l

who,is imagining herself being foot-

performances

Braid—A complete

Woman's passion

with

the

advent o f o l d age. M i r a N a i r ' s superb debut (Salam Bombay)

was f o l l o w e d up by her

Hollywood Masala

debut—Mississippi

with tons o f g r o o v y m u s i c ,

' massaged by one o f the maids. sophisticated

thriller

with

who

is a university

MacFayden).

forgot

mention

the

offered,

directed by M i k e L e i g h . H o p e f u l l y

particularly B r i a n C o x , w h e n he is

the L o n d o n F i l m F e s t i v a l w i l l be

confronted with the truth that his

e v e n better next year.

son is also gay. T h e story h o w e v e r becomes

a bit hilarious w h e n the

excellent script, big names (well,

In fact, it may be the f i l m f r o m

Denzel Washington) the film should

C h i n a to be nominated for the best

father

d o very well at the box

foreign film i n the Oscars next year

y o u n g , straight colleague to dinner

office.

nearly

excellent cast.

are-

Strong

—7

deliberately

invites

his

I.H. A. L i m b with

Ex D . J . S. Su.

Felix 920

Reviews

11 December 1991

Curly Sue Curly

Sue

(Alisan

adorable

child,

Dancer

(James

Porter)

adopted

is an

Belushi)

Bill

who's

taken care o f her since birth. T h e y r o a m the streets, but they

never

steal or break the law (well not the g o o d laws a n y w a y ) . T h e y prey o n s y m p a t h y , and they get it in the f o r m o f steamy G r e y E l l i s o n ( K e l l y L y n c h ) , a cold-hearted lawyer, after staging an accident in a parking lot, w h o buys them a meal. A l a s , along comes her boyfriend and that's that, until B i l l later gets k n o c k e d d o w n for real, by the same p e r s o n . G r e y s u c c u m b s to a little v o i c e i n her head

(that's

suckered),

right,

and

she

gets

takes

them

home. The

film

centres

around

relationship w i t h t h e m , a n d s l o w l y but surely a b o n d g r o w s . T r o u b l e comes

the

form

Grey's

boyfriend w h o isn't too hot with the situation. T h i s is y o u r classic rags to riches, lost to love tale. T o l d by John

Hughes

(who

directed

p r o d u c e d such wonders

Alone,

Uncle

Buellers The

Day

cast

Buck

E v e r y t h i n g J o h n H u g h e s touches seems

to have

Home

around

and

Ferris

name

to n a m e a

Off

and

exquisitely

few).

chosen.

air o f

it. H e has made for

h i m s e l f and

disappoints.

Curly

magic quite a

itself—butit's

tears w i l l c o m e to y o u r eyes. If y o u

stuff and has J o h n

d o n ' t or i f y o u decide to go with

about

someone w h o d o e s n ' t , y o u ' l l have

H u g h e s stamped all over it. T h e r e is one p r o b l e m with

never is

Sue

pretences

heartwarming

Sue—sometimes sweet

and

Curly

a shit time. T h e r e ' s always r o o m

it can get a little

for

mushy

especially a r o u n d this time o f year

for

your

another

John

Hughes

film,

exception and is destined for fame,

too

A l i s a n Porter being one o f the most

currently N o 1 i n the box office i n

average U n i v e r s i t y students,

talented youngsters I've ever seen,

the States and is b o u n d to be just as

w a r n i n g y o u h e r e — i f y o u really go

G r e a t for the f a m i l y , but i f y o u ' r e

and the film will really make a name

successful here. It doesn't really try

for this (and I must admit to being

h a r d , give it a m i s s .

for her, as Home

to be as funny as his previous stuff.

inclined to) then y o u ' l l lap this up.

Sue doesn't try to m a k e any

Y o u ' l l get a l u m p in y o u r throat,

d i d for

Alone

Macauly Culkin.

Curly

The Liar

I'm

the time f o l l o w i n g

his

hand and i f the jokes fall flat at least

the

delicious

Hugo

come

large

numbers.

D e d i c a t e d followers o f Pratchett's

cocaine and cheating at the noblest

w o r k will no doubt rejoice in all the

o f all games. E v e n worse, he is then

panto-style gags and in-jokes but the casual

led into university, a lost piece o f

loves

soft.

Poo.

they

expulsion

f r o m s c h o o l i n c l u d i n g rent b o y s ,

'He

a bit

h u m o u r is dispensed with a heavy

A l l this h a r d l y is preparation for

C a r t w r i g h t , but is l o v e d by the less

goes

everyone

Witches Abroad

also w i t h other boys) and c r i c k e t .

T h e sleeve says o f A d r i a n H e a l e y

when

pornographic

Dickens,

violent

T h e arrival o f a new b o o k by T e r r y

reader

derive

less

the tired,

stale

amusement

from

weary

murder, international espionage and

Pratchett is always greeted with glee

format

a college

other stories. T h i s book bears all the

fellowship.

than appetising Pigs Trotter'. These

It's a b o o k w h i c h is a n n o y i n g for

are the m a i n influences o n the late

its chronological fragmentation and

adolescent

his

Witches

fans.

The

most

is no exception.

Abroad,

T h e n o v e l treads familiar

ground

bored

author

pandering to an uncritical audience, particularly

sad

considering

the

excessively self-indulgent language.

for

A l s o it m ay be a little too blatant for

Pratchett's

i m p l y i n g is typical o f one in p u b l i c

some homophobic types. Otherwise

characters and situations b o r r o w e d

DiscWorld

school.

it's hilariously funny, unpredictable

f r o m the earlier b o o k s . T h e plot is

they had. A v o i d this n o v e l unless

and frequently v e r y c r i n g e w o r t h y .

simple; three witches must travel to

y o u are w i l l i n g to suspend critical

C e r t a i n l y worth reading.

prevent

faculties and reread the earlier stuff.

seems

boy to

T r u e o r not, h e ' d

know

better than I. H i s tastes include fine wine, toast with

l e m o n c u r d , an

impressive

repertoire o f sexual deviances (and

Romeo.

work,

mad

from warping kitchen drudge

—8—

using

fairy

with

hallmarks

reworking

who

life Fry

conversant

and

enjoy

Stephen

those

recent,

several

godmother

the life o f a

poor

(Emberella).

The

p r o m i s e o f the first books i n the

Nicholas

series and the impact

Farrow.

11 December 1991

Felix 920

Reviews

Die Fledermaus - ENO

particularly w i l d party that ensued. Some

dreadful

character,

having

thrust empty bottle into every nook and cranny o f a figurine's anatomy, had g o n e so far as to graffiti

leap

into his sweetheart's

Eisenstein's

wife,

arms.

Rosalinda,

T h e famed L e s l e y Garrett sings

the night o f f to visit her

A d e l e . T h e p r i s o n officer, at least,

' d y i n g ' aunt. T h e s e deceits are just

was enticed by her high C ' s and she

a p l o y , by all, including Eisenstein,

strips w i l l i n g l y for h i m - o n l y to

to secretly attend the ball that night

demonstrate her aptitude for acting,

held by Prince Orlofsky. A s may be

o f course. H e r v o i c e is l i v e l y and

supposed, m u c h c o m i c foolery and

excitable, i f a little f o r c e d in the

deception ensues as husband

lower register thus making for a still

and

wife u n k n o w i n g l y flirt with their

partners and assumed identities flow

heroine

as freely as the c h a m p a g n e .

(Rosalinda)

then

publicly

C o l i s e u m ? W e present sparkle, glitz

jeering.

and glamour - no, not the opera, but

revenge...

masked

balls

and

chorus-girls glitter

left in

incarcerated

is for

due five

course,

pantomime.

people

in the

be on

enlightening

Mee),

w h i c h made the character all the m o r e hilarious. T h e orchestra was indeed d a n c e d Adam

throughout

Fischer

who

under

made

the

T h i s is a wonderful show for an the c h a m p a g n e !

wine - o r was

it W i e n ? ) and

the

is p e r c h e d precariously o n the sill

only

amount o f dialogue, it is really the

outside waiting for his m o m e n t to

prevent incrimination following the

With

the

(Anthony

prepared earlier, with the obligatory

board into w e a r i n g masks. It was

fizz.

teacher

e v e n i n g o f laughter - d o n ' t

whilst his w i f e ' s r i d i c u l o u s courter

its

shoddily was

A p f e l s t r u d e T (...and here is one I

splash o f farcical confusion, to give operetta

his

g i r l s and p o n y p r a n c e d o n .

provided

interval course in ' H o w T o Prepare

were cajoled through a g a m e - s h o w

this

for

entries,

name)

charge o f insulting a ticket inspector

as well

outrageous

much

as a liberal

champagne ,

only

singing

rows.

front

the

Pri nc e ' s pet gorilla certainly startled most

note,

disappointing

The

Tierney

her

accent and infallible v o i c e . A l s o o f

the

T h e audience d o not

this

Vivian

with

inevitable waltz intoxicating as the

days

as does

was

Fenella F i e l d i n g (yes, that's her real

T h i s is the story o f his

Eisenstein

Feathered

' m u s i c a l ' operetta. B u t the

home

return

costume

his

Doctor

for.

abound

and,

champagne.

N a k e d w o m e n and animals? A t the

girls,

born

escape

was

C H A M P A G N E . S i m p l y add show-

are

F a u l k e was disguised, had rather

Eisenstein. T h e

imagined,

and becomes V E R Y g o o d friends.

too m u c h to d r i n k and was left to 'friend',

her m a i d ,

T h e production is everything that

sleep it off under a bush by

may

but seizes her chance for a night

stars

as a bat (die F l e d e r m a u s ) that D r

e v e r y o n e drinks plenty o f a l c o h o l

Adele,

' N o - o n e likes a bat,' but it was

form.

perplexed by her sonorous suitor, w i t h h i m by a l l o w i n g

m u s i c a l o f 1874, an operetta.

moustache and glasses o n her fair

hide

our

identities

and

forget

D i e F l e d e r m a u s continues until February

10.

T i c k e t s cost

from

£6.50 to £43 but standby tickets are available

the

day

the

p e r f o r m a n c e at £4.

T o a L o n d o n student a market is a

dedicated

the

T h e market p r o p e r extends east

lifeline:

clothes a n d

mathematics. T h e market is open

A l d g a t e end o f M i d d l e s e x street. It

and west o f B r i c k L a n e , with its

inexpensive presents c a n keep y o u

every day except T h u r s d a y and so

is a marquee c o v e r e d with leather

m a i n body selling standard fruit and

g o i n g w h e n the cash refuses to. T o

is always g o o d for a visit.

and sheepskin w e a r as soon as y o u

v e g and some furniture.

cheap f o o d ,

make the most o f y o u r one

the

art

chaotic

Petticoat L a n e

famous

is at

day

O n e o f the w o r l d ' s best k n o w n

enter the sellers will descend o n y o u

travel c a r d we tour L o n d o n ' s best

markets is Petticoat L a n e but has

usi ng the greatest h a r d sell tactics

market

k n o w n markets.

b e c o m e o v e r popular with tourists

in the w o r l d to m a k e y o u b u y their

c h i l d r e n selling their o l d toys in the

The

East

side

with

scrap

junk

yards

and

Portobello R o a d is situated near N o t t i n g H i l l G a t e T u b e Station a n d is

most

famous

for

its

antiques

market. T h i s is held o n Saturdays and due to its fame is also p a c k e d

Bricks & Petticoats

with tourists. The

antiques

market

is at the

south end o f Portobello R o a d sells a

range o f tacky

'antiques'

and

w h i c h has changed its character, to

clothes. Stay c o o l and ignore the

street. T h e r e is also a large n u m b e r

a series o f souvenir stalls.

blatant

o f people s e l l i n g v e r y cheap items

T h e first thing to remember about

sexism

if you're

female,

remember they are desperate to sell

f r o m large bags. T h e s e are not all

to y o u , not y o u to b u y f r o m t h e m .

entirely legal but if y o u want a very

silverware at reasonable prices but

Petticoat L a n e

cashing in are buskers and other

exist, it is in fact M i d d l e s e x Street

R e m e m b e r to hide y o u r A to Z

tourist stalls. T h i s part o f the market

and the streets o f f it and is o n l y

again; i f anyone thinks y o u are a

is also c r o w d e d with p i c k p o c k e t s ,

open

The

tourist the prices double. A l s o , as

so be careful!

T h e west side contains a lot o f

nearest Tubes are L i v e r p o o l St. and

students y o u l o o k like y o u ' r e p o o r ;

h a r d w a r e and sweet stalls. If y o u

The

further

north

along

Portobello r o a d y o u g o , the m o r e like an ordinary market it becomes,

Aldgate,

is that it d o e s n ' t

Sunday

mornings.

at the north and

south

respectively o f the market. D u r i n g the winter,

the market

selling fruit, veg and second-hand

doesn't really open until ten o ' c l o c k

clothes. A t the top o f

because

Portobello

it's

cold

and

the

store

find it, there is also a large bike stall w h e r e the bikes

it.

indeed. T h i s m a y be due to the fact that most o f the bikes are stolen but part.

w i l l arrive at B r i c k L a n e market.

selling

recognised

and

false

cheap

that c o u l d just be c y n i c i s m o n m y

H e r e there is n o w a y y o u w o u l d be

Jacks

very

If y o u are in Petticoat lane then

o w n e r s c a n ' t be bothered. W h e n it Union

are

i f y o u w a l k a little further east y o u

does open, beware the T o u r i s t stalls

T h e atmosphere is g o o d but i f y o u

lighter then take

try and bargain or pretend y o u don't

from Westbourne

market.

cigarette

have enough money, it can be worth

road the stalls merge with those Grove

cheap

y o u r o w n risks.

a tourist; all that

A n o t h e r reason to go to B r i c k L a n e is the n u m b e r o f v e r y c h e a p

look anything like a tourist, prepare

p o l i c e m a n ' s hats. Past this there is

people want is y o u r m o n e y . B r i c k

to be ripped off.

Indian Restaurants and sweet shops

a fruit and v e g market a n d some

L a n e runs parallel but further east

but these are not o p e n o n S u n d a y

second hand a r m y and navy wear

o f Petticoat L a n e . T h e tubes, again

w h e n the rest o f the market is.

at g o o d p r i c e s .

north and south o f the market, are

Portobello

Road

also

has

the

E l e c t r i c C i n e m a h a l f way along, as well as 'Strange A t t r a c t o r s ' , a shop

T h e leather market w h i c h makes

Shoreditch and Aldgate East.

—9—

Jonty The A & G K i n g .

11 December 1991

Felix 920

Opinion The

issues

continuing

surrounding contretemps

the

in the

attacked by Iraq a n d not to

say

In the recent past the I C A n t i W a r Peace

in the Middle

welcome,

war...Iraq

and Palestine

Society,

a common

will.

East

willing,

member

Jerusalem...the

the

PLO-sponsored

the Palestinian

B a s s e m A l J a m a l , a m e m b e r o f the

Palestinian L i b e r a t i o n Organisation

(Associated

( P L O ) . L e e Matthews, treasurer o f

1991)

entered

the

God

together

of the

against the reactionism been

present

USSR

until

del la

fight

which has

today

and against

(Corriera

Soviet

your in

the

imperialism.'

Sera,

August

1991).

O f course Ya s s i r Arafat's support

and

for brutal anti-democratic regimes

stone throwers

have

around the w o r l d doesn't make h i m

with

Press,

victory.'

January

a terrorist. N e i t h e r does it in any way

delegitimise h i m f r o m

be i ng

a c k n o w l e d g e d as the o n l y and true

Arafat's should

issue 9 1 8 .

anyone.

T h e i r interesting use o f the w o r d

leadership

fighters

Iraqi

appointment

conversation in a letter to F e l i x in

'debate' is axiomatic o f the double-

We will be side by

we will pray

Palestinian Solidarity G r o u p , and

ICAWIGS,

represent

side and after the great battle,

subject between M r J o h n G e e , a of

welcome

the 'Just

hosted a debate o n the

ICJPME)

legitimate

Union...success

Y a s s i r Arafat said last J a n u a r y :

M i d d l e East continue to rumble o n . in the G u l f Society (now

fight

back.

support

come

When

for

Hussein

representative

o f the Palestinian

T h e m a n o f peace

who

no surprise

people.

thousands

recognised Israel's right to exist in

C h i n e s e students were m o w n d o w n

1988 and whose organisation, the

at T i a n a n m e n Square he said to the

P L O have g i v e n up their c o w a r d l y attacks o n s y n a g o g u e worshippers (Rome),

War

kindergarten

children

(Metulla),

athletes

Olympics),

American

(Leon

Klinghoffer

(Munich invalids the

aboard

A c h i l l e L a u r o ) a n d so o n . I w i s h I c o u l d believe that the PLO

Michael

has g i v e n up such actions.

Unfortunately in several interviews

Factor,

since,

Arafat

has

made

his

standpoint only too clear:

of the IC

Jewish

T did not mean Actually, Palestine

Society,

renounce...

I only repeated National

accepted...Iam

what our

Council

still now

to what I said in Cairo (Venice

introduces

us to

TV,

December

'The PLO struggle. refrain

his views on the

had

committed in

1985'

19,

1988).

will not stop the armed

I did not ask anybody from

(Associated

military

operations'

Press, Kuwait,

June 6

1989).

Middle

would

East

wholeheartedly

agree

with the I C A W I G S that it is the right o f residents o f the W e s t B a n k and

situation.

Gaza

to choose

representatives.

their o w n

The

PLO

(in

c o m m o n with the G o v e r n m e n t s o f all

Arab

countries)

democratically recently

were

not

elected.

Until

no Palestinian dared to

oppose the P L O . T h o s e

delegates

w h o met with Israel in M a d r i d live under death threat. A s l o n g as A r a f a t w i l l use the methods he used o n A n w a r Sadat o f talk,

distortion and outright

lies

w h i c h the P L O use to legitimise

C h i n e s e C o m m u n i s t Party G e n e r a l

E g y p t ( O c t 6th 1981) o r earlier this

Secretary:

year to r e m o v e Salah K h a l i f , the

their message o f hatred and violence through

their

sponsored

'On

behalf

Palestinian

people,

the

their

propogandists in the m e d i a and o n

and myself, I express the

university campuses.

most sincere congratulations dear comrade,

on your

with the A f r i c a n National Congress

Secretary

(ANC)

Comunist

M r Matthews compared the P L O and Y a s s i r

Arafat

with

N e l s o n M a n d e l a ; c o m p a r i s o n s that are

highly

offensive

every

A f r i c a n and indeed to every h u m a n rights sympathiser. Israel

is outside

the G u l f ,

General

this opportunity

the

extreme

were able to

Israel.

Quoting

constitution, 'Commando

incidents in People's

liberation.

close friends, endeavour

China. I wish more

hopes, goals,

aspirations,

should host speakers f r o m the one

and security

organisation to support H u s s e i n ' s

Chinese

progress

to achieve

our

the

stability

friends,

the

people.'

A n d d u r i n g the recent attempted 'Congratulations.

â&#x20AC;&#x201D; 10â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

..to the new and

their

so-called

action

constitutes

of the Palestinian

boundaries Mandate,

Palestine,

popular with

it had during the is an indivisible

the

British

territorial

unit. 'The 1947

coup d'etat in the U S S R :

from

the

Palestinian N a t i o n a l C h a r t e r : nucleus

in your

country in the M i d d l e East to be

support o f all Palestinians.

restore normal order after the recent you,

two m a n in the

T h e P L O are c o m m i t t e d to the

to express

that you

number

he c a n c l a i m to enjoy the

total destruction o f the State o f

Party of China, and take

gratification

PLO,

appointment

the I C A n t i - W a r in the G u l f Society

invasion o f K u w a i t and should go

warmest,

former

to you,

course. It is somewhat i r o n i c that

to such lengths to c o n d e m n the only

Arab

leadership,

partition

Palestine

and the establishment

State of Israel are entirely regardless

of the passage of

because they were contrary

of the illegal, time, to the

11 December 1991 will of the Palestinian their

Felix 920

people and to

right

natural

Opinion

watercannons, the same ' w e a p o n s '

their

used

homeland, and inconsistent with the principles

embodied

in the Charter

of the United Nations, the right to The

Arab

European

the

particularly

Geneva

convention

self-determination.

law and o r d e r i n the territories it is administrating. Israeli soldiers have

people,

to contend with

revolution,

boulders,

petrol

reject

all

bombs, daggers and i n some cases,

which are substitutes

for

bullets. If, to safeguard

the total liberation

of Palestine and

reject all proposals liquidation

aiming

the

or its

United

any

Palestinian

problem,

Under

o c c u p y i n g p o w e r has to maintain

expressing themselves by the armed solutions

countries

control football hooligans.

lives, they

at the

their o w n

live ammunition,

e v e n into the air, o r a r e a c c u s e d o f

Palestinian

indiscriminate use o f plastic bullets

internationalism.'

Nations

fire

they

are

arrested

and

court-

marshalled.

resolution 242

calls for the parties i n v o l v e d i n the

Jewish settlers have as m u c h right

6 day war to make peace and allows

to settle o n J e w i s h - o w n e d land o n the ' W e s t B a n k ' as they have to settle a n y w h e r e else in the w o r l d . Any

double-talk,

attempt

limit

settlement o n Israeli

Jewish

Government

o w n e d land w o u l d be an attempt to

distortion outright

and

recreate the state o f affairs in A r a b countries today, a n d what was the state o f affairs i n E u r o p e before the

lies of

war, i.e. that o f Jew-free zones, and Jewish

the PLO

reservationsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;ghettos,

something

democratically

elected J e w i s h G o v e r n m e n t c o u l d accept a n d be re-elected. We

Israel to administer the territories it o c c u p i e d i n 1967 until a just and

and indeed to all d e p r i v e d

lasting peace i n the M i d d l e East is

years than Israelis. T h e P L O have

state

achieved.

clamped

Palestinian c i v i l i a n s . . .perhaps they

When

such a peace is

shoul d address ourselves to

the plight o f Palestinian refugees,

down

hard

terror

against

unarmed

hopefully

people.

in M a d r i d

T h e conference signify

will

a new chapter,

made, Israel is required to withdraw

collaborators.

its a r m e d forces f r o m territories it

Palestinians

oc c upi e d d u r i n g the 6 day war - not

fellow Palestinians. T h a t is m o r e

20,000 Palestinians i n their uprising

Palestinians. It w o u l d appear that

f r o m 'the' territories, n o r f r o m ' a l l '

than the total number o f Palestinians

o f B l a c k September

progress

the territories, but f r o m some o f the

killed

Israel, along with all other countries

some sort o f c o m p r o m i s e position

s o- c a l l ed

that value human life, d i d c o n d e m n .

mutually

territories. T h e withdrawal from the

Palestinians

Sinai following

intifada

peace with E g y p t

In fact,

have

Jews since

began.

been

and the

over 500

are

killed by

Hussein

Jews

T h e y are right i n

to the w a y

referring

Israeli

Jordan

soldiers

King

massacred 1970 w h i c h

in Gaza,

and S a m a r i a are a r m e d with tear

which should renounce violence and

gas,

fulfills

territory,

all its obligations

International

Law.

and

will

made

towards

acceptable.

Jordan

c o m p r o m i s e is a serious possibility.

s a yi n g that it is the State o f Israel

compromise

officials

Jordanians

makes peace with Israel, territorial

both proves that, h a v i n g secured a

bullets

with

Judea

peace treaty, Israel is prepared to

plastic

with Israeli G o v e r n m e n t meeting

and

and under

This is to be the last article on the

T h e 1979

subject of the M i d d l e East that

withdrawal from the Sinai, returned

will be

9 0 % o f the l a n d captured i n 1967

year.

to A r a b

understand that the whole issue

sovereignty.

Lieutenant

General

Thomas

published

This

in Felix this

includes

letters.

causes strong feeling,

but only

K e l l y , the director o f U S Joint C h i e f

amongst

o f Staff, said d u r i n g the G u l f W a r

personally involved people. It is

small

number

(Nov 5th 1991) that 'it is impossible

precisely

to defend Jerusalem unless y o u hold

reasons that all 'debate' on the

the h i g h g r o u n d . . . I l o o k onto the

subject

' W e s t B a n k ' and say to m y s e l f ' I f

vitriolic, rhetorical and very, very

I ' m the C h i e f o f Staff o f the Israel

tedious.

Defence

F o r c e s , I cannot

defend

tend

two

irrational,

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict

this land without that t e r r a i n . " W h a t K e l l y was s a yi ng

because of these

is far

is not

too complicated and too

intractable

for

it to

given

new. A 1968 report by the U S Joint

justice in a dilletante multisubject

Chiefs

newspaper like this one. T h e only

o f Staff

maintained

that

Israel c o u l d not be defended unless

people who read articles like this

it c o n t r o l l e d a major part o f J u d e a

one have almost certainly made

and S a m a r i a .

A n d i n 1988, 100

their

mind

and

either

retired U S generals a n d a d m i r a l s ,

completely agree or completely

including

disagree. I don't honestly think

some

the

most

illustrious i n the A m e r i c a n military, asserted

that the territories

the vast bulk of I C students could

were

be bothered to read it.

vital to Israel security. Of

course

Schrag

were

Messrs

T h i s article was written rather Wong

absolutely

and too

right i n

stating that there have been

Palestinians k i l l e d i n the last three

The West Bank on the same scale

badly

Therefore

â&#x20AC;&#x201D; 11 â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

hand.

criticism of spelling or semantic mistakes.

well

I do not accept any

11 December 1991

Felix 920

Felix

A c c o r d i n g to U n i o n policy, discreet

a little excited h i m s e l f fall together

and una voi dabl e sex is a l l o w e d in

o n the dance floor and it accidently

election

the U n i o n B u i l d i n g . But what is the

slips i n . O r b)

b e d r o o m w a l l ' Z o e the sex s y m b o l !

definition

bei ng

discreet

and

Union

i f it i n v o l v e s the

President

herself.

'Any

o f her publicity photos f r o m her

Who

campaign

this

mystery

una voi da bl e ? H e r e at D e a r M a r g e

chance and she'll take it!' said Steve

Answers

the subject has often been debated

' I ' m really going to die for this o n e '

M a r g e in F e l i x .

and we have d e c i d e d that the only

Newhouse. O v e r lunch last Tuesday

times sex can be unavoidable is i f

a y o u n g m a n did actually inform me

a) the persons involved are at a dirty

t h a t ' o h , w e l l , I quite like Z o e ! ' he

d i s c o . T h e female thinkingthat the

then a d d e d , just to d i g the grave a

guy is rather tasty and the guy being

little deeper, ' I used to have one

stuck

used

admirer?

condom

Quotes for the week 'Bigamy

is h a v i n g

one

wife too

you

many, Monogamy

much

the

same

'I'm

thing.' 'Life

terminal

sexually ,

fuck, take ages to g r o w back and

transmitted djsease'

W h y is it that when y o u r pubic hairs

y o u ' r e c o n s c i o u s l y aware o f their

' S a m is like a ice-cream, the deeper

grow the first time round they don't

presence! ( O r lack of)

itch, y o u don't notice them growing

A n d the final w o r d i s . . .

night.

It's c r i m b o time again and so d o w n

W h e n y o u shave them o f f for any

to the true m e a n i n g o f Christmas...

reason

(crabs,

over

operations

aesthetic reasons(?)) they itch like

get pissed, get stoned, get l a i d but for fucks sake be happy!

Ooh-er Missus I

was

wrong

week...

about

you're

you

not

last that

not feeling

anything at the

' C r a b s is like puberty but w o r s e '

Felix says Bollocks A n d o n to R a g . . . o r rather the rag

'It is an insult to all h u m a n life, it

mag.

shouldn't affect anyone at I m p e r i a l '

The following

quotes

have

been heard a r o u n d college:

- 3rd year A e r o n a u t i c s Student.

'Its all true' - A . R a n d o m

W e all w o u l d like to thank M a r t i n

'Gee

all

messier

T need something h a r d to b a n g '

how

swell'

Token

Heighway

for

excellently

disgustingly b r i l l o rag m a g - so get

American

really

into her the

moment'

T h o u g h t for the D a y . . .

and they just appear

get

gets...'

'Its absolutely foul and d i s g u s t i n g -

out there peeps and see h o w m a n y

I love it!' - A . N . O t h e r

places w i l l ban it this year. Lets just

apathetic as something has actually

'Who

happened around the college. Y e s ,

pint!' - M e

Random

wrote this - I ' l l buy h i m a

say

that

Manchester

banned

before it was even p u b l i s he d !

someone seems to have made some progress

the

Tamsin

Martin Heighway

was

front.

alleged to

have spent the night in the y o u n g ladys

hall,

maybe

even

her

b e d r o o m . D o e s this m e a n that the betting is o v e r ? T h e M o l e ,

who

Dear Marge

m e wat never dus anything eksept

k i n d l y i n f o r m e d me o f this event

E v r y b o d y Hates M e . A l l the starf

run rownd londin nakid. ther is also

says that the 'two o f them were seen

shout at me and all evrybody sez Im

a tiny thing wot lives in the felix

leaving G a r d e n hall o n the m o r n i n g

yoosless.

offis wot never seems to say anythin

but

sabatikuls w o r k i n g wiv me but they

unfortunately both were clothed at

dont tork too me c o z we dont l o i k

the t i m e . ' A n o t h e r reliable source

eech uvar and wun carnt even speek

29.11.91

together...

Ive

got

three

uvar

has i n f o r m e d m e that M a r t i n has

propa inglish c o z he c u m s

been k n o w n to spend nights in the

y o r k s h a and thay dont e v e n speek

Jez garage, does that mean that she

p r o p a inglish up their.

from

is o n his list o f people to p o r k too?

W e o r l have nise offisis and we

So let's have a review o f the stakes:

spend as m u c h time as we c a n in them in case we see ani o f thows

Martin Heighway

3:1

smelli

Stuart R i s e n 5:1 H o w i e 2:1

(fav)

h i m keeping her i f she has all these m e n chasi ng her at the moment. 8:3

the they

arsk w u n o f us to help.

I dont understand wots g o i n g o n and i m getting cross and pist of. Y o r s disstresst o f the y o o n y u n offis.

Dear distrest, I can see that here you have a pretty major problem, the only answer that I can give is...nuke the place from orbit - it's the only way to be sure. Marge

T h i s is were the p r o b l e m happins c o z its not m y j o b to resepshunize uppity and cross 'jobswuth'

have the v o i c e o f T a m s i n on

tape stating that we

wen cope

and wen i say so the staff get o r l

S i m o n 4:1

and

carnt

o r l w a y s o r l w a y s o r l w a y s c u m and

Ian (her man) 200:1 - no chance o f

Will

studints

resepshunists

nise bout a n i b o d y .

and c o r l m e

watevar that is.

Snot fare c o z that y o r k s h a thing

c a n use the

noes even less about deelin wiv starf

picture and that she doesn't care so

than I do an barely noes wot to d o

here it is, the long awaited photo o f

w i v orl his m o n e y . I also have sin

the w o m a n in red.

a large carrit like persin next dor too

Dear

Marge,

I ' m sorry D a v e I ' m afraid I can't do that Hal.

Dear H a l , Screw you. Marge

11 December 1991

Felix 920

Feature

g by Alison

Pool.

o n a shackle line, a n d taken o n a

Spare a thought for the festive

a long while after. Breeding turkeys

season's most prominent v i c t i m this

suffer the same agony a second time

' c o m m e r c i a l life' (a m a x i m u m o f 26

conveyor

Christmas.

at 14-18 weeks. W h e r e debeaking

weeks for a table turkey) the birds

deaths. T h e l a w allows turkeys to

late

is not carried out, the birds are kept

are transferred to the

be h u n g i n this w a y f or u p to six

addition to the list o f factory farmed

in near darkness in o r d e r to pacify

plant'. S i m p l y being uprooted f r o m

minutes. A n average breeding male

them.

such a fully controlled environment

at the end o f its ' u s e f u l ' life w e i g h s

T h e turkey

is a relatively

but n o w represents the

species,

the e n d o f

their

short

'processing

belt

system

to their

T h e modern genetically i mproved

is a shock in itself. T h e fragile birds

601bs, equivalent to an eight or nine

meat products. O n c e c o n s i d e r e d a

male turkey is so heavy and b r o a d -

are insensitively p a c k e d into crates

year o l d c h i l d .

luxury,

breasted that it is n o l o n g e r

aboard

largest ' g r o w t h i n d u s t r y ' turkey

amongst

has b e c o m e

even

which

sometimes

no protection

lorries

from the

capable o f mating with the m u c h

offer

largely since it was d i s c o v e r e d that

smaller female. Insemination is now

weather

with added colouring and flavouring

almost

u n l i m i t e d distances.

it w i l l take the taste o f almost any

artificially, causing m u c h pain to

k i n d o f meat,

both

convenience

consumer

product,

a n d is cheaper to

entirely

sexes.

carried

out

and which

m a y travel

A t the p r o c e s s i n g plant turkeys are h u n g upside d o w n by their legs

Eventually stunning

the birds

apparatus.

reach

This

usually

consists o f a water-bath

charged

with a l o w level electric current. S o m e ten to thirty seconds

after

i m m e r s i o n in the bath the birds pass

produce. In the 25 years up to 1988

o n to the (usually automatic) throat

annual turkey production in the U K

slitter, before finally being dropped

increased f r o m three m i l l i o n to 33.5

into a s c a l di ng tank.

million.

L a s t year the C h r i s t m a s

market

consumed

T h e r e is widespread c o n c e r n that

16.5 m i l l i o n

many

bi r ds .

birds

a r e not adequately

stunned. E v e n though i m m o b i l i s e d

For

those

familiar

m a y still

they

w i t h the

be sentient. L o w

conditions under w h i c h most table

voltages o f 80 to 9 0 volts are used

c h i c k e n s are kept, the situation for

deliberately

turkeys is v e r y s i m i l a r . In the most

argue that birds d o not ' b l e e d out'

because

producers

m o d e r n units approximately 20,000

properly

birds are reared i n o n e b u i l d i n g ,

throats are cut. Slight differences in

partitioned 5,000

size o r m i n i m a l m o v e m e n t b y the

sections o f

into four

birds.

Typical

i f they d i e before their

birds can prevent them f r o m being

stocking

densities are 1.25sq ft per turkey up

stunned at all. F o r the same reasons

to 8 weeks o l d , 2 . 5 s q ft u p to 16

the

weeks and 3.5sq ft o v e r 16 weeks.

altogether, o r cut across the s k u l l .

These

cramped

nevertheless

With

conditions are

slightly

better

i n the litter degrade

therefore

which

slitter than

through

m a y miss 1000 turkeys

each

h o u r , the

b a c k - u p k i l l e r is u n l i k e l y to notice all o f these ' a c c i d e n t s ' , w h i c h are,

d o not scratch

turkeys

around

passing

than

those for c h i c k e n s . T h i s is m a i n l y because

throat

will

varying

degrees,

everyday

oc c ur e nc e s . It has to be a s s u m e d

rapidly.

T h e litter is not c h a n g e d once o v e r

that thousands o f b i r d s c a m e to a n

the full 2 6 weeks.

agonising e n d in the s c a l di ng tank.

T h e foul a m m o n i a - r i d d e n litter causes

burns

o f wrestling

Intead

conscience

and ulcerations.

over

with

the roast

your this

' G e n e t i c improvements' have led to

C h r i s t m a s , w h y not try one o f the

faster g r o w i n g

alternatives?

and greedier

birds

w h i c h are fed o n a h i g h protein diet skeleton does not keep u p

cutlet. F o r those o f us not prepared

with this rate o f growth, to the point

to g o so far, there

that 8 0 % o f male b r e e d i n g turkeys

option

become lame, suffering irreversible

Though

o f the hipjoints.

diseases

ethical

vegetarian yuletide feastâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the nut

based o n soya and grains. Often the birds'

T h e most

solution is, o f course, the traditional

Weak

painful

remains the

free-range

most

suffer

turkeys. the same

e n d , the quality

o f life

individuals are frequently trampled

leading up to this m o m e n t is vastly

to death.

superior.

Due

to this

environment,

highly

unnatural

turkeys,

Most

supermarkets

d o at least

stock f r o z e n free-range turkeys at

chickens, take out their frustrations

Christmas.

o n their neighbours.

respected

L e f t to their

T h e most

brand

highly

f o r free

range

o w n devices, they w i l l d e v o u r each

p o u l t r y at the m o m e n t is p r o b a b l y

other.

'Label Rouge' from France.

Instead

o f addressing the

central p r o b l e m , the factory farmer

Anyone interested in animal welfare issues should contact the Environmental and Appropriate Technology Soceity or the following organisations: Compassion in World Farming, the RSPCA or, regarding poultry in particular, Chicken Lib. A recipe for nut cutlets is displayed on the ENTS noticeboard.

simply adds to the cruelty. T u r k e y s are routinely debeaked at five days using a red-hot blade.

Sometimes

the upper m a n d i b l e is cut back so severely

that

damaged.

N o anaesthetic is used

the nostrils a r e

and the process, e v e n i f c a r r i e d out properly,

thought

cause

i m m e n s e p a i n both d u r i n g , and for

â&#x20AC;&#x201D;13â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

Felix

Felix 920

11 December 1991

Felix 920

—15—

Felix

11 December 1991

Felix 920

Clubs & Societies

Water Polo on Canoes! W i t h v i s i o n s o f g o l d medals,

fast

cars,

and

easy

men/women

sponsorship

from

well

known

p r o p h y l a c t i c manufacturer we

set

o f f to W a r w i c k . B u t the road to the top is not an easy one especially when

Warwick

Coventry! W e

University

is in

finally a r r i v e d and

then the b i g m o m e n t . . . the debut o f I m p e r i a l ' s c r a c k canoe p o l o squad against N o t t i n g h a m . D u e to a slight unfamiliarity with the rules we eased ourselves into the first h a l f o f the match by striking fear into the hearts o f our opponents - and q u i c k l y c o n c e d e d five goals. H a v i n g got the hang o f the sort o f skill, c u n n i n g and outright violence necessary them

to succeed we

the

second

stuffed

half,

only

c o n c e d i n g one other goal! B y now our reputation as ruthless goal mongerers

had spread.

The

intimidation ploy obviously worked in o u r next g a m e as B a n g o r

put

a w a y the first g o a l . T h i s fired the killer

instinct in

our

team

and

caused a most unprecedented pass to o c c u r w h i c h p r o d u c e d our

first

f r o m p o o l s i d e psychiatrists. In the second

ever g o a l ! B o t h teams needed the full half

half

still

Bangor,

d a z e d , scored a second goal

bit pre-

time break for shock c o u n s e l l i n g

e m p t i n g a s l i c k equalising counter

Drib Drib

Broomball

attack. B u t B a n g o r had an ace up

calibre players we let them slip in

their sleeves and proceeded to break

their w i n n i n g goal and bang went

d o w n into tears. It w o r k e d !

o u r J o hnni e s !

With

the c o m p a s s i o n s h o w n by o u r h i g h

John Kent, Biology

III.

Swimming Champs

the

B r o o m b a l l is a g a m e p l a y e d o n ice

A f t e r a long absence f r o m the U L

preserve

Dribblers were severely let d o w n by

in flat shoes with a large orange ball

C h a m p i o n s h i p s , Imperial managed

were h a v i n g none o f it h o w e v e r ,

several

Back

last

years

form,

their teams h o n o u r .

a result the

and sticks with triangular plastic bits

not o n l y to field a team but to w i n

and after

D r i b b l e r s o n l y h a d eight players,

stuck to the ends. T h i s seems really

the overall team trophy for the first

relay events, we extended o u r lead

one o f w h o m had been run o v e r

s i l l y , w e l l it is, but it's great fun.

time since the early eighties.

to twenty points o v e r U C , with St

earlier

players.

that

week

( Ethel)

and

T h e first I C ( U L U )

Broomball

T h e first round o f the competition

another w h o s h o u l d have stayed in

C l u b event took place last F r i d a y

took

her s i c k b e d (Sharon).

(29th N o v )

N o v e m b e r . It soon became apparent

Despite

these

inconveniences

minor

(including

the

absence o f C a p t a i n P e r m i -

who

s u r p r i s i n g l y chose to play in an F A

at Broadgate

icerink.

place

Monday

the teams o f four were ready

r o u n d saw I C c o v e t i n g a four point

Collins, Danny Halls, John Kent

advantage o v e r their rivals.

and

for

action. have been due to the fact that they

21st N o v e m b e r saw U C

had the most experienced players or

to keep

T h e second r o u n d o n T h u r s d a y desperate

h o l d o f their trophy.

Dribblers

that they were g o o d . T h e red team

passionately

fought

found themselves 2-0 d o w n at h a l f

were excellent o n attack and J e n n y

with

time.

o f the blue team was a real d e m o n .

m a k i n g valiant last ditch efforts to

After a rousing team tactic talk by acting Captain Sara and a change in

Keith

and

Chris

decided

acrobatics o n ice was m u c h m o r e fun while S u m a spent a lot o f time

held their stance for another 5 mins,

o n her bottom. G o a l scorers were

before conceding another five goals

Keith, Jemmy, Dave, Brian, Terry

d u r i n g the second half.

and D a v e .

the

Dribblers

had

any

If y o u ' r e

many

duel

their

ensured

swimmers

7 p m T u e s 10th D e c , M e c h E n g 220

energetic

the

Roy

Neary

meetings o n M o n d a y ' s at 1 2 . 3 0 p m

witnesses unidentified flying objects

at the Southside U p p e r

in the night skies near his Indiana

near misses. E v e r y o n e p l a y e d well

And

especially

c o m e along a n y w a y and be a g o o d

understand what he has experienced

defence.

Any

one

swimming

competitively for either the college or for the university should contact Danny

H a l l s (Materials) or John

Kent (Biology).

has been taken by aliens. T o g e t h e r in W y o m i n g

classic.

midfield/defence had some stormin' in

w e i r d obsessions and premonitions

very

Chandra

Ralph.

interested

Stuart

I C S F ' s last f i l m o f the term is a Spielberg

the

James

Jeffries,

they are d r a w n to a mountain peak feeling

w h y not c o m e along to one o f our

Lisa

C l o s e Encounters

forwards the result would have been different

T h e I C team consisted o f G i l l i a n

that

defence due to illness, the Dribblers

Had

one

swimmer!). Bennett,

goalies

Sussex

the

finishing

having

in c o n d i t i o n and the end o f the

the

o f being

Suddenly

only

that I C and U C were the only teams

muzzling

l i v e d up to their recent reputation scored.

(despite

and

After

T h e yellow team w o n - this might

- until

Georges Medical School third

the

fighting for the trendiest p a d d i n g ,

C u p match instead) the D r i b b l e r s amazing

18th

decisively winning

if you don't

feel

Lounge. energetic

home.

tries

desperately

and there

all their

b e c o m e crystal clear. Films include

intended 2001,

for

Predator

term II,

Terminato r II, and Bladerunner (all

T h a n k s to those w h o d i d turn up to

goalie - y o u d o n ' t have to m o v e

and

p l a y , it was a c r a c k i n g attempt and

much.

If y o u are interested then

mysterious visions planted in his

are ÂŁ1 to members

at least we d i d n ' t cancel the game

contact Rachel G a r r a r d , Physics III.

m i n d . H e is j o i n e d i n his quest by

n o n - m e m b e r s ( including free entry

Jillian G u i l e r , a w o m a n whose son

at the last minute.

Gina

Marquess.

16â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

find

the

meaning

the

in C i n e m a s c o p e hopefully). F i l m s

first

film).

and ÂŁ2.50 to

11 December 1991

Felix 920

Clubs & Societies

Mighty Seconds I C II p l a y e d an important league

defective net, a f i r m referee and a

their heroic warrior when St M a r y ' s

Goldsmiths C o l l e g e III by 6-2 in the

match against St M a r y ' s Hospital o n

c o n j u r i n g trick f r o m canny E a m o n

grabbed the equaliser.

quarter finals o f the U L U

Wednesday

27th

M c C a n n to deprive St M a r y ' s o f a

Captain

Muthoo

Rax

extraordinary special

November. took

measures

occasion.

legitimate first goal. H o w e v e r , the

R i c h a r d B u r r o w s and Ian F i n n e r t y

the

o p p o s i t i o n ' s c y n i c a l football style,

defended with authority, and T e l l i s

standing at 5-2 at h a l f time.

two

halves

the

typical o f medical schools, c o u p l e d

Botzios

with a l o u d and hostile c r o w d (later

enabling Imperial to keep the score

clear o f diesel p u m p s ) , drafted in

booked by the referee), put the most

level till the e nd . A f t e r the g a m e

recovered

footballing supremo D a v e B u c k l e to

intellectual

some m e m b e r s

replace the injured N i g e l

pressure

carefully

drove

some

well

minibus

for

(staying

Clough

and e v e n c o n v i n c e d the referee to

g a m e itself had a peculiar

team

and eventually

under gave

M a r y ' s the lead.

g i v e a p r e - m a t c h team talk. The

Upper

Reserves C u p . It was a classic game

Shilling pulled o f f stunning saves,

In the second half Imperial gained confidence

and

composure

with

fought

hard

the

apparent

intoxification

state

the

stitched up

Mary's

Hospital

N o t content with blasting the ball

bloody

department.

towards his o w n g o a l , he passed it

sandwiched between two opposition

former.

matter

eventually

at the

T h e 2nds were back at Harlington

C u p , and the r o a d to M o t s p u r P a r k

he e x p e r i e n c e d

saved his suicidal shot. It took a

were still s h o c k e d by the loss o f

seven

E m p h a t i c Fourths?

D e v o y s got two (including a superb lob) and B a r r y managed his second

maintained their unbeaten run o f

the

which

hat-rick o f the season. O n c e again

skulls

leave

move

battlefield c l u t c h i n g his bucket. I C

passing

casualty

to an o n c o m i n g o p p o s i t i o n p l a y e r

had

many

1974. M u t h o o scored a g o a l , Jason

was

after goal-keeper Steve S h i l l i n g had

and

the and

brought back m e m o r i e s o f H o l l a n d

soon after, w h e n B u c k l e suffered a was

while

Duckworth

injury but this was'politely declined

the

Collinson, Max

due

left-back Stuart M i l l e r experiencing

injury.

Chris

N i g e l C l o u g h were a w e l c o m e sight

a V a n G o g h i a n m o m e n t o f f o l l y.

head

T h e r e was a forceful performance

on the.field. M c C a n n was a catalyst

Ironically,

weakened

score

o f the opposition

S i m o n B a r r y scoring two goals. But dramatically

the

kindly offered to medicate B u c k l e ' s

b e g i n n i n g , with I m p e r i a l ' s vintage

team

midfield

with

the f o l l o w i n g

Saturday.

matches

the m a g i c o f the

is just round the c o r n e r .

They

defeating

Conquering

L a s t Saturday saw I C I V c o m p l e t e

pretending to have a heart attack.

Last

conquered

reluctance to ever pass the ball once

the d o u b l e o v e r I C V i n emphatic

B u t this p r o v e d to be unnecessary

R o y a l L o n d o n H o s p i t a l II to gain

he had obtained it, as d i d James

style.

Wilton-Ely.

P i y u s h scored an

absolute

Saturday

as I C V o n l y managed to get one

o n l y their third league v i c t o r y this

peach o f a goal f r o m just outside the

shot

year. Disregarding previous defeats

area g i v i n g I C I V the lead early o n

territorial

target,

despite

their

advantage.

The

like 17-0 and 6-1, I C V I played well

defence

throughout

played

most

in the first half. T h e g a m e saw new

O v e r the c u r r y at the end o f the

firsts with F e m m i D a v i s m a n a g i n g

game, the team decided that victory

to get a shot o n target and a p r e -

would have been even easier had the

kit

m a t c h talk f r o m the captain that

captain i n c l u d e d h i m s e l f in the two

G r e e k ' K a r a m managed a h a t - r i c k

goalkeeper,

e v e r y o n e understood.

substitutions made at half time. T h e

each w h i l e R o y O k e l also scored

score his first (own)

two;

season.

sat o n their lead i n the

captain just s m i l e d to h i m s e l f and

second half rarely venturing into the

made a mental note o f the n u m b e r

other half. S o m e players such as D

B u c k l e resorted to time wasting, by

needed at the c l u b d i n n e r .

IC IV

penalty points that w o u l d

to o v e r c o m e a w e a k e n e d

the

well match,

10-man

although one outstanding m o m e n t

opposition. E v e n with a d a m p team

c a m e w h e n T o m P a r k e r p l a c e d the

Omar

Jamal and

Ray

displayed

Sam

'The

amazing

ball

superbly

past

Dave

his

own

McCluse,

goal o f the

ICU Bookstore-M/fj starts 6 Jan 1991

SPORTS RESULTS FOOTBALL U L U Challenge Cup: IC I 7-1 Kings College Hosp. U L U Upper Reserves Cup IC II 6-2 Goldsmiths III League: IC II 2-2 St Mary's Hosp. IC IV 1-0 IC V IC VI 8-2 Royal London Hosp. IC I 2-3 UC I IC II 7-1 MXUCH I IC IV 6-2 QMWC IV IC V 4-1 KCH II WOMEN'S FOOTBALL UAU: Dribblers VIII 0-7 Sussex XI CANOE POLO Competition; IC 0-6 Nottingham IC 2-3 Bangor NETBALL (League) Imperial 32-29 RHBNC

League Proposal Oyer

the

past

term,

member

societies o f the O v e r s e a s Students C o m m i t t e e have been p l a y i n g e a c h

good

opportunity

gain

lucrative advertising market. The

league w o u l d

most likely

other in friendly 11-a-side football

consist o f two g r o u p s , with the top

games. A s a result o f these matches,

two teams f r o m each group p l a y i n g

the

OSC

decided

they

would

it out to find out w h o

attempt to organise a league for next

Champions.

term, encompassing

eight O S C

all the

OSC

would

present

have

societies interested in

societies that w o u l d be w i l l i n g to

participating. H e n c e there is r o o m

participate.

for m o r e teams.

available,

And

they

from

would

funds

provide

trophy and medals for the w i n n e r s . However,

u p o n h e a r i n g this, I

if you

think y o u r

society

possess a brilliant football team and w o u l d like to get i n v o l v e d i n such

thought it m a y be an idea to o p e n

a league

members

c o m e f o r w a r d . A l l y o u have to d o

societies o f Imperial C o l l e g e U n i o n

is to get i n contact with m e before

this

league

all

next t e r m , then

please

(with the o b v i o u s exception o f the

l p m T u e d a y 17th D e c e m b e r . T h i s

football club). If such a league is set

can

up, it may then be possible to entice

message i n m y p i g e o n hole in the

outside corporations to sponsor it.

F E L I X office or by electonic m a i l

This

( k h s @ d o c or V A X A : : U M A C G 9 7 ) .

would

some

way

be done by either l e a v i n g

alleviating some o f the setting up

M o r e details w i l l f o l l o w

and r u n n i n g costs o f such a league,

FELIX

whilst also offering the sponsor(s)

â&#x20AC;&#x201D;17â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

issues.

Khurrum.

in future

Felix

Felix 920 They sat hunched up in a nearby

11 December 1991 suits and are at the edges o f the

maintain j u s t i c e . ' ' B u t what about the executives?

tunnel while Carefree explained the

' T h a t ' s what I ' m trying to do! I ' m

' T h e r e are three groups o f people in the system. T h e dorks are the

trying

lowest, f o l l o w e d by the geeks, the

government , to stop their terrible

s c h m u c k s and finally the j o c k s who

ways!'

have all the top j o b s . T h e citizens

overthrow

the

and replace it with someone w h o ' l l stop the menace o f the pale o n e s . ' They

both

slept,

unaware

reality.

'Yes!

I'll

help y o u , I want to

overthrow them t o o ! '

can change their trend rating by

inner system! T h e y ' l l definitely then help me overthrow the government

the people outside the s y s t e m ? '

inner system.

Stress was w a l k i n g a l o n g a big b l a c k metal tunnel. It was slippery

i m p r o v i n g their trend points w h i c h

Stress was really pleased. F i n a l l y

and shiny and he kept falling. H e

are adjusted after their regular visits

in this chaos there was something

knew he wanted to get out o f this

to the party meetings where they

he c o u l d follow

d i m tunnel to the light b e y o n d but

perform

rituals

such

alcohol

wholeheartedly.

the faster he tried to g o the m o r e he

Carefree smiled.

fell d o w n . B u t by standing still he

The Inner System

seemed to m o v e towards the e nd . There

seemed

something

b l o c k i n g the exit, letting only a few shafts

light

t hr ough .

Stress

e x a m i n e d the object. It was a large sphere

with

a c l o c k and

sign

reading ' k i l l e r c h e m i c a l c o c k t a i l ' . A s the c l o c k ticked to z e r o, Stress realised that the object was s b o m b and started r u n n i n g back d o w n the tunnel. A m a s s i v e e x p l o s i o n shook the

tunnel t h r o w i n g

ground.

h i m to

A s he staggered

the

up and

l o o k e d behind h i m he c r i e d out and ran o n . B e h i n d h i m the pursuit c o p happily gave chase. 'GET

Y O U

STUPID

SCHMUCK! YOU NEED SOME

Chapter

Explanation. sizzling

Christmas

disaster

dancing,

DUCK UP!!!'

Stress turned to l o o k ahead and found he had already reached the

have a transport v e h i c l e , they have

Here's a pill.'

run

everywhere

brightly

end o f the tunnel and found it was

C a r e f r e e p u l l e d out a s m a l l red

worse than the tunnel. A s he fell out

coloured tracksuits. T h e geeks have

pill a n d handed it to Stress.

and headed to the ground far below

skateboards, short shorts and baggy

cautiously swallowed it. H i s eyelids

he twisted to see the pursuit c o p

short

The

drooped and he sagged back against

leaning out o f the tunnel w h i c h was

sleeveless

the w a l l . C a r e f r e e p o p p e d one in

the barrel o f the g u n o f a larger

sleeved

t-shirts.

t-shirts and thigh-length shorts. T h e

her

jocks: rollerskates, cut away t-shirts

herself.

and knee length shorts. E v e r y o n e must wear from

sunglasses the

and

spoke

aloud

pursuit

cop

leaning

out

the

tunnel... out in the

T h e laughter o f the pursuit cops

group that the pale ones are wearing

deafened h i m as he hit the g o u n d .

'Wait

protect

lights

mouth

' t i l they

find

that

illuminate the system.

Snuggle up in a

Free Condoms

frowned.

' W e d o n ' t r u n the system o n o u r own.'

T h e Imperial C o l l e g e health service

obtained free o f charge f r o m Health

the

is one o f four local general practices

Authority F a m i l y Planning C l i n i c s .

maintain the

taking part in the R i v e r s i d e H e a l t h

However,

ideal citizen state for us to strive

Authority 'Free C o n d o m Scheme'.

Health

towards

Usually,

packets o f c o n d o m s . Initially, y o u

' Y e s , I noticed the o t h e r s . '

rocking

chair with your

'Robots work,

and

machines

hallowglams and

the

superheroes

condoms

can

only

until S p r i n g

Centre

1992, the

giving

away

w i l l need to see a d o c t o r or nurse, but

I.C. E N T S presents

sherry and mince

NEED

the others w h o ' l l help us defeat the

She paused and

fireside

YOU

YOU NEED TO WAKE

authorities. N o w it's time to sleep.

them

Tempest.

LUCK

modes o f transport. T h e dorks don't

s c h m u c k s : B M X bikes,

chapter by Troy

to the nightclub where y o u can meet

different

classes have different uniforms and

The

' T h a t ' s great! L a t e r I ' l l take y o u

retention, fights with electric guitars and

thereafter

packets

can

obtained f r o m the Health C e n t r e reception.

The

'Free

Condom

S c h e m e ' w i l l be used to d i s c o v e r

pies.

whether; 1. It is appropriate for

general

practice health centres to distribute a

condoms.

Wednesday 11th December in the Concert Hall Late Bar, Entry ÂŁ3.00

able

T o this e n d , questionnaires are being distributed with the condoms. T h e questionnaires are a n o n y m o u s

U n i o n L o u n g e , 9 p m t i l l late, 2 a m b a r FREE

â&#x20AC;˘18-

should

Health Service.

Plus: Friday 13th December C

Doctors

prescribe c o n d o m s o n the N a t i o n a l

and information cannot be traced to the respondants.

Please

help the

H e a l t h C e n t r e staff to collect data, by c o m p l e t i n g and returning t h e m .

11 December 1991 T h u r s d a

Qrvo aUz)25

Felix 920

News

July

Next week the C o l l e g e

Governing

B o d y w i l l meet to discuss the ever present

problem

student

a c c o m m o d a t i o n . U n d e r discussion will be the formation o f a c o m p a n y , separate the

f r o m the C o l l e g e ,

Business

Expansion

under

Scheme

( B E S ) w h i c h is intended to raise a fund o f money

f r o m the staff o f

Imperial C o l l e g e and their friends. T h e money raised under the private c o m p a n y will be used to purchase existing a c c o m m o d a t i o n f r o m the C o l l e g e , which will be bought back after a m i n i m u m period o f 5 years. O n the 10th July H R H Princess A n n e visited the C o l l e g e to open two new centres o f technology o n the

South

Kensington

site.

The

Bagrit Centre will carry out w o r k on b i o m e d i c a l systems d r a w i n g o n the

combined

knowledge

Imperial and it's partner St M a r y ' s H o s p i t a l ; the other n e w c o m e r The

Centre

for

Toxic

was

Waste

Management. Y v e Posner, the U n i o n W e l f a r e Advisor

since

the

beginning

John Simpson, appointed director of the College Careers Service in Julv.

News Review

this s u m m e r period due to the lack

T h e ever

tight

accommodation

o f s u m m e r j o b s adding to the toll

service has d e c i d e d to supply

imposed by the poll tax and the loss

linen to h o m e students no longer.

bed

o f housing benefit. C o m m e n t i n g o n

T h e d e c i s i o n was made by C o l l e g e

1989, has resigned her post. J o h n

this issue M r R u i s said that ' T h e so

a c c o m m o d a t i o n management

who

Simpson joined the College Careers

called c om pe ns a t i o n for the loss o f

instructed

sell

H ous e ke e pe r s

Service as it's new D i r e c t o r and we

housing benefit (ie Student loans)

linen

were all sad to hear that the N o . 3 3

does not really address the issue.'

O r i g i n a l l y , overseas students were

O v e r the s u m m e r a g r o u p called

also to be sold linen but after the

bus w o u l d no longer stop in P r i n c e Consort

Road.

Choudhury, Reviews

half

Sumit

Paul-

Academics

Felix

(AFFS)

Editors,

the

was

placed

packs

home

students.

Speech

intervention o f Jonathan G r i f f i t h s ,

p r o d u c e d a four page A 5

Deputy President, this decision was

For

Free

leaflet p r o m o t i n g their anti-semitic

reversed.

runner-up in the D a i l y T e l e g r a p h ' s

views.

£12,000 o f C o l l e g e kit was stolen

Y o u n g Science W r i t e r A w a r d s for

F r e d Leuchter, an A m e r i c a n expert

in one evening together with other

1991.

on execution, mass

Covering

it c l a i m e d that the

extermination

during W o r l d W a r

^Monday I U 3 0

the findings

September

T h e new W e l f a r e A d v i s o r for the

the

II c o u l d never

Bookstore

the

has

new

been Union

Manager.

have happened. F e l i x was informed a local newspaper in the north east o f E n g l a n d called o u r office to find

seeking help and a d v i c e . Students

out if we had any k n o w l e d g e o f the

have endured greater hardship over

production.

Gibbons as

o f the existence o f the leaflet after

R u i s , has seen a

Stefano

Jill

appointed

5 0 % rise in the n u m b e r o f people

Union,

things.

Jews

the

back

the

leaflet a credit c l a i m e d that it was 'Printed

and

Academics

1CWC1C W A S

Published

For

Free

Speech,

Imperial C o l l e g e , L o n d o n . ' T e r r y Briley

said

that

Operations',

'Special

one

the

Governments security departments, were interested in the, case as it was tantamount racial

'an

hatred'.

incitement

Sir

Eric

Ash

c o m m e n t e d that ' T h e r e are a lot o f

nutters at Imperial C o l l e g e , but I cannot believe

that it c a m e

from

h e r e . ' amongst other things. The

Mechanical

Penguin in post tiddh\\inkmg cdebm&m.

Engineering

building was evacuated yesterday at 5 . 1 5 p m after dangerous hydrogen

sulphide

levels

gas

p r o d u c e d in the drainage

were system.

Friday

furious

I 4

received

October reaction

from

the

has

student

been body

T h e drains were being cleaned by

c onc e r ni n g proposed changes to the

a private company who poured 93 %

Sports C e n t r e in P r i n c e s G a r d e n s .

sulphuric acid into them to clear a

Amongst

blockage w h i c h reacted with matter

c o n v e r s i o n o f the g y m and weights

that p r o d u c e d the dangerous

HRH Princess Anne visits College.

the possibilities are the

gas.

r o o m into a cafe or lounge area, and

T h e b u i l d i n g remained empty for 8

the inclusion o f saunas, sunbeds and

hours.

Continued

—19—

overleaf.

The Felix

news

team round up what has been preoccupying the news pages this term.

11 December 1991

Felix 920

News News Review

continued.

lays d o w n p o l i c y o n the advertising o f j o b vacancies and interviewing

Jacuzzis. T h e proposal seems likely to be partly funded by the student

p r o c e d u r e . R o b L e t h a m told F e l i x

a n d staff users o f the centre. T i m e "

that 'we want to show we care about

put aside for clubs or societies m a y

the people we e m p l o y ' and said that

also

although he d i d n ' t k n o w h o w the

cut

moved

The

p r o g r a m m e w o u l d be implemented

controversy is further heightened by

he expected feedback by N o v e m b e r

the w i s h o f the c o l l e g e to open up

- see issue 9 1 7 .

inconvenient

times.

A m o t o r c y c l e was stolen, as was

the centre to the general public even more.

written

note

from

cash

box

with

£150,

and

attempt o n a new F o r d S i e r r a . R a g

Estates, referring to the 'Kensington

has raised £11,290 so far, but no

Sports C e n t r e ' ,

connection has been found.

Gordon

Marshall,

Director

he says that the

C o l l e g e intends to make the centre self financing i f not profit m a k i n g . T h e manager o f the Sports C e n t r e

said that he understood

£300,000

renovation

that the

would

financed by a loan f r o m C o l l e g e but would

rise.

T h e Athletics (ACC)

said

L u s h c a n c e l l e d the g i g planned for

9th

October

the

Union

f o l l o w i n g their d i s c o v e r y that the

remotely

Union

student

did

not

have

entertainments l i c e n c e and M a n d y

than one o c c a s i o n .

Hurford,

Union

Manager,

Security at Imperial C o l l e g e is to

estimated the cost o f the

be tightened up with the installation

refurbishment at £60,000.

Union

early part o f next year i f a p p r o v a l

is given by the heads o f departments who

( R C S U ) mascot last T h u r s d a y . T h e

atomic weapons.

being d r i v e n by a C i t y and G u i l d s Union

Friday

I 018

was

October

Imperial

College

Union

the

Police to the

the leg was operated o n twice. T h e incident has called into question the

Price

current state o f m a s c o t r y at I C and

and

preceded a meeting o n the subject.

companies,

including

Deputy

estimated

College

students.

pusher

trying

President

or most areas o f C o l l e g e outside o f

S e c u r i t y , they in turn called in the

n o r m a l hours. D u r i n g the course o f

P o l i c e . T h e suspect was

who

called

found

searched no

illegal

Rolls

Telecom,

Holbein

Royce, thought

attendance

very 5,500

House

residents

are

complaining o f the state o f disrepair

a normal w o r k i n g day the cards will not, as yet, be r e q u i r e d . T h e c a r d

substances, and he c l a i m e d that 'it

furniture

w i l l enable the system to r e c o r d the

was a j o k e ' .

postgraduate student said that

V i o l e n c e flared outside Southside

It is expected that f r o m

now

mascotry between the C C U s o f the C o l l e g e w i l l take part upon campus o n l y . T h e P o l i c e have reported the

but

staff

Police

the

him

the p e r s o n

the

informed

sell

w i t h their details e n c o d e d u p o n it

possibly

and

the witnesses

the

and this w i l l act as a pass key to all

and

called

interviewed

with the 70 or so c o m p a n i e s that

highly o f the event w h i c h had an

particular

A m a n i n the L o u n g e B a r c l a i m e d

October

ecstasy or speed. A f t e r the incident

the college

attended this week. T h e majority o f

I Z11

everyone at I C with an identity card

hinder

over caused

event. After being taken to hospital

British

around

ran and

C a r e e r s F a i r p r o v e d to be popular

Waterhouse,

o f students and

leg

c o m p o u n d fracture. A n ambulance

Friday

drug

m o v e m e nt s

member

Dorman's

that he had been a p p r o a c h e d by a

the

student, seriously

accident w h i c h i n v o l v e d a v e h i c l e

p r o p o s a l . T h e system w i l l p r o v i d e

currently r e v i e w i n g

was

was suitable for the development o f

The

o f electronic pass card d o o r s . T h e

are

chemistry

Dorman,

h o w e v e r that D r Jaafar's training

full

facilities and h a d said so o n m o r e

system w i l l be put i n place in the

year

the R o y a l C o l l e g e o f Science U n i o n

b e l i e v e d that M r C o l e m a n was not interested

October

first

injured during an attempt to kidnap

Student loans - a fact of life ?

Clubs that

Stephen

d i d not deny that prices to students Committee

-Friday

o f its a c c o m m o d a t i o n i n c l u d i n g the and

fittings.

One 'we

are expected to live like squatters'.

driver

for

reckless

driving

and

care.

driving

without

due

Dorman

asked the P o l i c e not to

press charges and said that people in his v i e w took mascotry far too seriously.

people

T h e C o l l e g e plans to close the hall

Helen

at Easter for the rest o f the year. M r

risen since last year and has caused

m o v e m e n t s by p r o g r a m m i n g their

Roberts said that she had left the bar

G r a h a m Daniels, Residences A r e a

a long waiting list for

number into a computer. M r B r i l e y ,

with

been

M a n a g e r , said that he is considering

currently lasting up to N o v e m b e r

individuals'

last

Saturday

when

four

attempted to leave the bar. three

friends

and

Student loan applications

have

interviews

C o l l e g e Security O f f i c e r said that

confronted by about ten m e n . T h e

H o l b e i n a priority case and w i l l be

25th. L a s t year students across the

the precise details o f the system

m e n h u r l e d abuse at M s

Roberts

initiating a project to 'rectify major

country b o r r o w e d an average o f

depended

College

and her friends and then attacked

faults in showers' but admitted that

£338 under the loan scheme, but to

chose. Jonathan G r i f f i t h s , D e p u t y

members o f her group. O n e o f them

faults cannot be fixed o v e r - n i g h t , a

date 30,000 people have applied for

President, said that 'I can't see how

suffered

point p r o v e d in H o l b e i n for at least

£570 or more. T h e Government has

it c a n be detrimental to a n y b o d y . '

stomach and the other was pinne d

the last seven years.

v i e w e d the increased up take o f the

- (see issue 917)

to a car and p u n c h e d in the back.

Imperial C o l l e g e ' s C a r o l i n e F o x ,

A disgruntled C o l l e g e e m p l o y e e

Director o f Personnel, unveiled a

but

d o c u m e n t o n the C o l l e g e ' s

Equal

Registrar said that this year 'student

Opportunities

which

loans are a fact o f l i f e ' , whereas

Forged

o n w h i c h one

£10

notes

have

been

injuries o f the face and

passed to U n i o n facilities in the past

threw a beer barrel

through

the

two weeks. A n d y F l a n a g a n , U n i o n

w i n d o w o f a car last W e d n e s d a y

B a r M a n a g e r , said that such notes

and later trashed the car o w n e r ' s

are presently f l o o d i n g m a n y parts

office in the Sherfield B u i l d i n g . T h e

o f N o r t h and W e s t L o n d o n . P o l i c e

c r i m e w ave continued with theft o f

said

personal items, a N a g a c o m p u t e r

haul o f

p r o c e s s o r worth £1800 f r o m C i v i l

that

the

forgeries

had

c o n n e c t i o n w i t h the £ 5 M

£10 and £50 notes made in H a r l o w ,

Engineering,

E s s e x , in the last few days and no

phials o f a m y l nitrate ('liquid gold')

resuscitator

s i m i l a r reports had been r e c e i v e d

f r o m the C o l l e g e a m b u l a n c e ,

b i c y c l e s and an attempted theft o f

the

South

four

D r Jaafar D h i a h Jaafar, a former

T h e I C U D r a m a t i c Society w o n following

research assistant at I C is suspected

their entry into a p r i z e d r a w while

o f being a major force behind Iraq's

r u n n i n g Theatre W e s t E n d at the

nuclear

Edinburgh

holds the position o f V i c e President

a £3,000 lighting desk

After

their

return f o r m the festival the society had

£9,000

worth

Cullen,

a motorbike.

K e n s i n g t o n area.

Fringe.

Tony

and

from

traders

Programme

scheme as an acceptance o f the idea

equipment

stolen f r o m the C o n c e r t H a l l .

the

weapons Baghdad

program Atomic

Energy

C e n t r e . D r D a v i d W e b s d a l e o f the Physics

Department

doubted

Southside

—20—

halls - fun and games, violence

and arson.

Assistant

Felix 920

11 December 1991

News

'last year they were m o r e o f an

new H o n S e c . V i o l e n c e broke out

upon

option'.

Secretary, said o f the situation that

Doctor

Keith

Barnham

the

last

Friday's

'Rain'

gig

and

G r a h a m L a w t o n , Ents C h a i r m a n ,

them.

Sue

Sharp,

ICMSF

'it d i d n ' t l o o k h o p e f u l .

were d i a b o l i c a l . Staff m e m b e r s o f the major trade unions have voted for strike action

Physics Department has announced

put this d o w n

the results o f his research in to an

dispute between people attracted to

last

improved

bar

Superintendent, C o l i n R o g e r s , set

protest against the colleges proposal

off

to contract out security and other

solar

cell.

the

i m p r o v e d cell thin layers o f s e m i -

to a l o n g r u n n i n g

extensions

when

events

had

been p l a n n e d .

c o n d u c t o r material only 50 atoms thick are added to the surface to form 'quantum wells' higher

energy

w h i c h trap

electrons

than

<, ^ F r i d a y I D8 November

T h e F i r e B r i g a d e were called out Friday a

fire

Departmental

alarm

clear

the

o n the date o f the G o v e r n i n g B o d y meeting o n the 4th D e c e m b e r

services.

begun to support the dispute and

Rogers

was

manning

desk

while

the

trade

some,

Many

academics

Mechanical Engineering Building. messengers

Imperial C o l l e g e has been forced to

when

have

i n c l u d i n g Professor Dean

Bruce

City

Guilds

union meeting was taking place and

Sayers,

C o l l e g e , have sent letters to A n g u s

n o r m a l . T h e process is so effective

back d o w n on it's proposed changes

set

that a cell with 50 quantum wells

Council

b u i l d i n g p r i o r to l o c k i n g up for the

Fraser, M a n a g i n g D i r e c t o r , and the

is twice as efficient as one with 30.

responsible for Health and Safety at

weekend. Sherfield security was not

Rector.

T h e R a g total is now £12,700 and many people are suffering

because

the

College

Safety

the

alarm

off

clear

the

w o r k in all areas o f C o l l e g e . T h e

informed o f his method before-hand

changes w h i c h meant overall voting

and assuming a real alert called the

peddling in B e r n a r d S u n l e y H o u s e

Following

allegations

drug

Management

fire services. M r R o g e r s told F e l i x

A u t h o r i t i e s ( L E A s ) are late. M o r e

nominated representatives only was

that 'he did not think anything when

proceedings.

thefts o c c u r r e d i n c l u d i n g another

found to be technically illegal under

he saw the fire engines, since fire

also been

Naga

the G o v e r n m e n t H e a l t h and Safety

engines are continually d r i v i n g up

result o f their tribunal. T h e warden

regulations.

and d o w n

o f the hall, L i n d a D o n e g a n released

grants

from

Local

computer,

connecting

Education

and

evidence

still

has

been

found.

control

lay

with

The

procedure

was

Exhibition Road'

severely disliked by the trade unions

added

within college w h o

'acutely e m b a r r a s s e d '

threatened to

break

away and f o r m

safety

council.

their

own

Management

that o n

and

reflection he and

was

would

' d o it better next t i m e . '

said

T h e final stages o f the C l a y p o n d site is to be sold to Imperial C o l l e g e

A fire started in a lift in Southside

R e c t o r so any changes had no real

R e s i d e n c e s P L C (Impress - a B E S scheme) when building is completed

at about 2 a m last Saturday is bei ng

effect.

treated as arson by the P o l i c e w h o

contested

investigated

declared

that

believed

the

incidence.

that this incident is the

This

reaction the

was

hotly

unions

'Safety

who

not

negotiable'.

in about two weeks. T h e he

Rector

faces Two

disciplinary students

have

suspended p e n d i n g the

a statement about the incident and added

that

safeguard

that the c o u n c i l o n l y ' a d v i s e d ' the

Friday 0 1 November

janitor

it the

was

her

duty

'to

the

welfare

students in m y trust and also the reputation o f the C o l l e g e ' .

Friday ^ 2 9 November Q

announced

that

intends

Imperial C o l l e g e U n i o n d e c i d e d at

guarantee

accommodation

an E G M yesterday to support the

third attempt to cause a serious fire

A t the U G M held yesterday less

w o m e n for the whole length o f their

strike by trade u n i o n m e m b e r s o n

in the b u i l d i n g in the same location

than 30 students attended posing the

study, e v e n i f they live in L o n d o n .

the 4th D e c e m b e r . T h e C o l l e g e d i d

and possess a serious threat to the

thought that 9 9 . 6 % o f the student

not see the point to this action and

inhabitants o f the hall. A letter from

body are totally content with the

the R e c t o r c o m m e n t e d that it was

the w a r d e n o f the halls, D r J o h n

operation o f the Student's U n i o n .

'rather b i z a r r e '

Hassard said that if the fire had been

The

the

they c o u l d achieve a n y t h i n g by not

discovered

five

minutes

later

Government

announced

that students

felt

C o u n c i l T a x as replacement to the

g o i n g to lectures. F u r t h e r letters

w o u l d not have been extinguished.

Poll Tax.

have been sent by academic staff o n

In this instance one end o f the hall

LSD

was filled with smoke from burning

and

plastic.

session attracted 109 d o n o r s .

Residents are

said to

P o l i c e reported

dodg y

tabs spiked with strychnine the

C+GU

blood

the matter and discussion continues

donation

between the various groups - see news in this issue.

furious about the lack o f safety in the hall w h i c h is a c u l m i n a t i o n o f faulty

fire

alarms,

missing

fire

extinguishers and the presence o f

dispute

some

has

arisen

o f the clubs

and

1 / 1 5

completely

November

Security guards,

members

British Rail trolley, during the night

between

e m p l o y e d by the C o l l e g e are to be

o f a bar extension m a r k i n g the end

societies

replaced by a private f i r m , it was

announce d

damage is estimated at £400, s o m e

park

attendants

Gordon

Marshall,

sign

D i r e c t o r o f Estates. In a letter sent

m a k i n g them liable for fiscal losses

to staff by M r M a r s h a l l he stated

incurred by their organisations. O n e

that due to a 'need to m o d e r n i s e

treasurer

three

systems' the C o l l e g e was proposing

that they must

has resigned

and

other people have yet to sign the

to 'contract out o f the w hole o f this

document w h i c h also includes the

area o f operations'. D e r e k D o l l a r d

head o f each g r o u p .

o f the M a n u f a c t u r i n g Science and

F o l l o w i n g the accident last week during

vehicles used

mascotry are

during

attempt

banned such

from an

meeting

o f the C C U s

incident

concluded

vehicles

are

' ha r d e r

rugby

players'

totally

excluded

they from

three

M i n e s U n i o n by r a m m i n g it with a

treasures and the U n i o n because o f a document

and

car

messengers

removed

o f the R o y a l S c h o o l o f

currently

only one security g u a r d . A

A door to the U n i o n B u i l d i n g was -yFriday

all

being

event. about that

A the

since

than

even

should

mascotry.

F i n a n c e T r a d e U n i o n ( M S F ) called for the unions to 'shut d o w n this place o n the day o f the G o v e r n i n g Body

meeting

December) of

subject to the result

ballot,

consultation with

the

(4th

has

yet taken

unions

that their c u s t o m e r

an o p e n meeting yesterday.

would

The

Rector was a c c o m p a n i e d by A n g u s Fraser,

Gordon

Marshall,

John

A r c h e r and Steven N e w b o l d ,

all

the college w h i c h was described as

and

'stable' although the reserves were questioned

the The

made to make the matter m o r e o f

m o n t h it was stated that C o l l e g e is

Rector would not be pressed on this

a sport

unl i ke l y

matter and w o u l d not pass it o n to

they

i m p r o v e the situation rather than to

a c c o r d i n g to M a r k e t i n g

Director

any o f the other directors. H e said

end it, as p r o p o s e d in a letter f r o m

Steven

may

that student numbers

Sir Eric A s h .

redeployed

Welfare week was a flop. C + G U attended the L o r d M a y o r ' s

Show

and Kate Dalton was elected as their

Staff

countrywide

w i t hin c o l l e g e or the

should be increased and that some

U n i v e r s i t y o f L o n d o n , a l l o w e d to

w orki ng through college was a good

take voluntary redundancy or have

idea, as i n the States, a d d i n g that

compulsory

student benefits o v e r the s u m m e r

redundancy

forced

service

expanded

area and

refurbished. T h e d r u g d i s c i p l i n a r y actions

continued

and

Freddie

Mercury died.

from the C o l l e g e hierarchy. People

' z i l c h ' ^and

Newbold.

Jump

questions f r o m students and staff in

place

it's d e c i s i o n ,

f r o m the three students.

N u d e K a m i k a z e Parachute

replacement o f security staff.

to change

the

event for R a g . Natwest a n n o u n c e d

although the proposal is now o p e n

and

T h e R e c t o r , S i r E r i c A s h , fielded

to discussion for a p e r i o d o f one

rather than a battle

cost

were cautioned by Police during the

been

V a r i o u s other changes have

The

Steve F a r r a n t and Paul T h o m a s

1 Q Friday | 0 2 2 November

asked about the financial stability o f

staff

Week.

o f w h i c h is h o p e d to be r e c l a i m e d

Rector, Sir Eric Ash, at question time.

course.'

Rag

—21 —

The Felix staff wish you a lousy Christams and a suicidal new year.

Letters

Felix 920

A r a b Eats Babies Dear

Adam,

Student Loan M o a n

A c o u p l e o f points to M r P e l l ,

I a m w o r r i e d by the increased n u m b e r o f pro-Israeli

students in

You

say that the P L O

college w h o are feeling threatened.

never

First

Palestinians, c o u l d it perhaps

there

repeated

were

Gaby

expressions

Pell's

concern

Dear

before I reveal the frightening truth. 1.

been

because

voted

the

11 December 1991

for

Occupying

Adam,

by maintaining that the m o n e y w i l l

I w o u l d like to raise a point about

has

a very widely discussed issue—that

the

Student

Loans—that

doesn't

It w o u l d

course,

short

term

probably

seem to get too m u c h p u b l i c i t y .

Israeli

be repaid?

seem that, short o f a

this means

expenditure

just

answered

greater (so

I've

own

question) but no increase in long term

spending

other

than

the

over the invitation o f a P L O speaker

g o v e r n m e n t , in all o f its l o ve for

revolution o r possibly

to a college event. F u r t h e r m o r e , an

democracy,

allowed

election, student loans are here to

inflationary one already present. A n

incident

elections?

stay. T h e y are g o i n g to b e c o m e a

extra £500 o r so w o u l d probably d o

2. Y o u say ' . . . t h a t in the large

fact o f life if they are not so already.

November

Thursday

made

28th

realise

the

scale o f the p r o b l e m .

majority

has

not

o f cases,

the k i l l i n g

However,

the

general

major

(fat

chance,

considering

problem

know)

and

everyone

who

that

m a n n i n g the F r i e n d s o f

Palestinians has been carried out by

facing most students is not h a v i n g

graduates earns fat wodges o f cash

Palestine stall in the J C R , as part

their o w n k i n d , for c o l l a b o r a t i o n ,

to pay

within days (honest,

o f the international week organised

rather

e n o u g h m o n e y to s u r v i v e o n . It is

by O S C , I was thinking about some

situation

military occupation,

certainly the biggest p a i n in m y

becomes

research I a m currently d o i n g .

such as was the case with G e r m a n

neck at the m o m e n t . S o w h y

expected debt o f £6-7000 w h i c h will

forces in F r a n c e throughout W o r l d

make m o r e m o n e y available in the

W a r II, what d o y o u suggest is the

f o r m o f loans, such that students,

future.

While

' T h i s is in Israel' I heard someone say. I raised m y head and saw

than of

Israelis.'

back

a loan,

but

having

not

percentage o f deaths o f civilians due

in the short t e r m , have a feasible

hand

to suspicion o f collaboration, 5 0 % ?

amount o f m o n e y

embroidered b o o k m a r k and w a v i n g

7 0 % ? 9 0 % ? E v e n the, stupid as

purely

young

(seemed

student

fresher)

holding

like a

it i n m y face. B y the time I had

y o u r u n c o n f i r m e d statistic m a y be,

have

had there been no o c c u p a t i o n by

government

was a s k i n g ;

Israel, do y o u not even entertain the

doctors and stockbrokers out there

' A r e y o u claiming this?' F o r a fraction o f a second I thought he

a Palestinian may have been slightly higher?

about

the

b o o k m a r k . . . ' 'cause i f y o u are, then I m very distressed!'.

the

moment,

can satisfy

yet

with

undergraduates

an the

publicise

such

idea,

but

amongst all the unleashed rage it

the

all those

fairly trivial against

seems to have been o v e r l o o k e d .

Yours idealisticaily, Paul Davison, Physics

;

thought that the life expectancy o f

was

talking

they

managed to blurt out ' s o r r y ? ' , he

I dare say I ' m not the first to try

instead o f the

hypothetical amount

they do)

extra £2000 over a four year course

3. U n d e r military occupation law

Rag Resignation

in the W e s t B a n k and G a z a , a 12

Dear

Sir,

The

year o l d b o y m a y be j a i l e d for no

longer

reason, and most have been. T h e

Jaffa

current Israeli p r i m e minister is a

for

our

It was clear to us that e v e n i n g that

two

self-confessed terrorist. G i v e n those

position o v e r the recent resignation

he w o u l d not change his m i n d n o r

Palestinian flags either side o f it. H e

facts,

o f the R a g C h a i r m a n , M a r c E l l i s .

w o u l d it be a g o o d idea either for

was concerned that our society took

i m p r i s o n e d i n Israel has little to do

the

with

T h e n it all fell into place. bookmark,

w h i c h was

waved

be i ng

embroidered

around,

had

with

it,

stance that Israel

should

destroyed, and that e v e n the parts o f Israel recognised by the U N , like

suspect

the

that

murder

being

innocent

Civilans. 4.

Chair

W e feel it has b e c o m e necessary us

publicly

explain

regards

the

re-

that

would

R a g , or for h i m , to continue in his

R a g this year there have been many

posi ti on . It was for this reason that

Despite

the o v e r a l l

success

organisational p r o b l e m s .

saying

officially resign the f o l l o w i n g day.

Rag

Week,

the

P r i o r to

Chairman

was

we d i d not sign the letter f r o m the committee asking h i m to reconsider

establishment vs the creation o f a

talked but o f resigning a n d stated

his p o s i t i o n . W e

state, d o n ' t be such a pedantic git.

that he w o u l d c o m m u n i c a t e m o r e

Ellis

Y o u c a n argue till y o u are blue i n

with

situation would again degenerate, to

offered to c a l l h i m an a m b u l a n c e ,

the m o u t h that there never was

delegate tasks to t h e m .

while

Palestinian state. T h e fact that there

Jaffa,

should

taken

over

Palestine. By

that

t i me

another

one

friend

suggested

had

that

saved his breath until the peace talks

have

resumed in W a s h i n g t o n .

majority

left,

been

Palestinians,

the

population

a a for

the

committee

and

would

R a g meetings are c o n t i n u i n g as

these p r o b l e m s had been r e s o l v e d .

activities throughout the year.

o f Israel in the region. T h i s does not

discuss with h i m what the problems were. T h e meeting ended by the

political stances, especially i n the

borders .

current state o f flux in the M i d d l e

W a k e up, and forget the d o g m a

E a s t , and concentrated o n culture

that y o u have been spoonfed. Israel

(crafts,

Yours faithfully, Will Stallard, Acting Rag Chair, Sarah Goodchild, Rag Treasurer.

again met with the C h a i r to

A r a b s , w h o w o u l d d o anything to

B a c k home our families breed more

destroy

terrorists to send them against the

the

peace

loving

and have

w a s not established solely o n some

insecure state o f Israel. W e

h u m a n rights issues, such as health,

legitimate

claim,

and

divine

never in o u r hearts accepted the

education

promises;

people

had

m u s i c , food etc) and the

the

n o r m a l , and R a g w i l l continue its

at the start.

n o w as a state, with U N recognised

reinstated

weeks it b e c a m e clear that none o f We

make Israel non-existence, it is here

feel that i f M a r c be

the detriment o f R a g .

l o n g e r than there has been a state

W h a t he had failed to notice was

D u r i n g the course o f the next few

p r e s u m a b l y as distressed as he was

that the w h o l e e x h i b i t i o n a v o i d e d

were

hopelessly

outnumbered

Israeli

a r m y , so that we can recover Jaffa,

presence o f Israel, and will fight o n

and s w i m i n a sea o f b l o o d , since

without trial. ( T h e offending piece

murdered or forcibly removed from

until the last c h i l d to destroy it. W e

o f material, w h i c h was

their

are so v i c i o u s in fact, that Israel

thing, being A r a b s (I personally eat two babies every

and

imprisonment promptly

homes,

politicians

obviously

enjoy

that sort

of'

day).

r e m o v e d , was part o f the M e d i c a l

manipulated,

peace

needs to posess nuclear weapons as

Aid

negotiators b l o w n up. L e t us face

an ultimate protection against our

charity for w h i c h Pauline C u t t i n g

the reality o f the situation, and save

terrorist attacks o n c i v i l i a n s .

was w o r k i n g w h e n she was in the

the whole region further bloodshed.

produce such ingenous evil leaders,

m a k i n g an effort to talk to us, and

E n o u g h o f those stupid historical

ones

o n l y using tear-gas, plastic bullets,

arguments.

blowing

for Palestinians catalogue,

Palestinian

refugee

camps

Lebanon.) T h a t bei ng o u r objective, w h i c h

and

A s for the frightening truth about

other

who

w i l l destroy

up places,

Arab

Israel

We by

and i n v a d i n g

countries.

Plots

Be t w e e n y o u and m e , Israel is bei n g far to gracious

in actually

l i v e a m m u n i t i o n , and a p o l i c y o f beating and terror to stem the flow

I think the exhibition a c h i e v e d , we

our c l a i m s , and the distress they

o b v i o u s l y w e l l hatched to destroy

did

cause, y o u c a n m a k e the o b v i o u s

Israel, it is s u r p r i s i n g none o f them

solution is for them to round us up,

distressed students o n the day, but

conclusions

have w o r k e d so far.

and...

I think the issue must be raised, in

e m b r o i d e r y . It c a n only m e a n one

the interest o f student welfare in the

thing.

not

college.

want

discussions

with

from

that

piece

A l l A r a b students in this college are o n a secret m i s s i o n to acquire

are an e v i l b u n c h o f

mad

the k n o w - h o w

—22

to destroy

Israel.

our

violence.

The

Yours sincerely, Amin El-Kholy, Doc

ultimate

PG.

Felix 920

11 December 1991

Letters

Judo Injustice Dear

Adam,

I a m d r i v e n to b r i n g

a grave

o n c e a week,

a pity as it is the

second

Judo

oldest

Club

Run

representing another c o l l e g e , such

i n the as U C L . I cannot b r i n g m y s e l f to

injustice to y o u r attention. D u e to

country . M e m b e r s o f the C l u b not

represent a U n i o n that does not give

yet more examples o f incompetence

o n l y represent the C o l l e g e but also

a shit about its students.

by IC U n i o n , in particular the A C C

fight

(Athletics C l u b s C o m m i t t e e ) , the

compete in national events.

J u d o C l u b has been denied half o f

deserve better treatment than they

its

are r e c e i v i n g f r o m the U n i o n .

weekly training sessions. The

J u d o C l u b has been training

for L o n d o n U n i v e r s i t y

and

in the U n i o n g y m on T u e s d a y and

situation

something for o n c e , I w i l l have to

years. Despite r e c o n f i r m i n g these

consider

training

Ian Captain

does

c l u b use o f the g y m o n T h u r s d a y evenings in favour o f the F o o t b a l l Club

w h o already

train

PG and

unlike

Hearing

football,

j u d o can only be practised indoors,

vandalism

using mats w h i c h are stored in the

another crime.

point this out to the U n i o n

have

i g n o r e d , n o one wanting to

o f a l l the acts around

the college

The

aspect

o f this

cowardly

I C Islamic Society held a n Week

between

18th a n d

that

the w h o l e

students in their attempt to get

Eleanor Gibson. A C C

helpful series o f presentations and

Zoe Hellinger, I C U

Secretary

seminars.

President

have

being

put u p ! T h i s

accredited

Then

the Sherfield

o r other

inside it ripped So,

W a l k w a y was

opened

can I

one would to the

that central

o f a j o b would

the

w h y is it that the careers

service

natural forces, as even our cabinet in

However,

thought

c o m p l e t i o n o f an application f o r m .

cannot be

to the w i n d

deliberately

Islamic

seem

j o b s . T h i s they have d o n e , with a

posters were torn d o w n soon after

recently. I w o u l d like to highlight

g y m . Efforts that I have made to been

would

ec. M a r k L a n d o n A C C C h a i r

with, and

Editor.

it, but

concept o f this service w o u l d be to

of Judo.

Posters Torn D o w n

v o l l e y b a l l court at that time. Unfortunately,

pursuit

the Dear

m e to admit

its ugly head at the Careers Service.

Biology

times at the start o f term as usual, the U n i o n has seen fit to deny the

Adam.

It saddens

incompetence seems to have raised

sincerely.

Jones.

Dear

aid

T h u r s d a y evenings for at least ten

a n d actually

Yours

They

Unless the U n i o n wakes up to the

Out

a n d posters

has r u n out o f standard

application forms in the appropriate boxes

(some

apparently

which

are

redundantâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;'Some

those boxes have been there since the b e g i n n i n g

o f t i m e . ' , w a s the

explanation I received)?

down.

W h e n I suggested that the careers

ask w h o e v e r the

service at this centre o f a c a d e m i c

accept responsibility for the c o c k -

22nd N o v e m b e r . T h i s consisted o f

person(s)

up. I ' m really starting to w o n d e r

a series o f talks o n different aspects

v a n d a l i s m , and i f he w o u l d like to

say 500 S A F s , I was met with

whether this is s i m p l y stupidity o n

express h i m s e l f o p e n l y I a m very

dismissive

the part o f the U n i o n or just plain

members

w i l l i n g to talk to h i m personal l y.

suppose

apathy. A s it stands, I cannot see

publicise

the

posters all o v e r college.

Judo

Club

surviving

much

longer i f it is reduced to training

- HAS FAILED.

o f this

college.

f o r this event

To had

However

it is sad to note that most o f these

&U/X

HARP BASTARD'S

Islam, w h i c h were open to all

fHCCJtf

to stop

this

disappointedly.

Sarmad

Qureshi,

Maths

Islamic

Soc Publicity

excellence c o u l d maintain a reserve

Am UG 2. Officer.

and ' Y e a h

I l i v i n g on the right planet?

Yours Ben

laugh

so.'

etc..

Gladwyn.

Physics

j o g -fH

REALISING THA* . THOSE MR KIPPER CAffTOOrJS REALLY E BOLttXKS A F T E R . ALL HARP BASTARD TRIES HIS L A S T PESPERATF. P CARD..

Vours

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I D I P N Y K N O W HE K N E W THE R S M R0C8Y TEAM 1

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FROM T Of NO E COMES A M ROLL IT S TO A CRESCENDO T AND THEN IS RELEASEP IN A FANFARE. THE LIGHTS COME E ER FIRE AND THE GOES . IT'S

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WELL i r s NOT THE sruoeutfe ! THEY'RE & R THE SPELL OF AN APATHA1AP RAY BEINfr BROADCAST H HIDDEN TRANSMITTEES BY THE EVIL ftA&TCRMIND BEHIND i THIS.....

Felix 920

Editorial This

issue

has been

complete

nightmare to b r i n g out. E v e r y t h i n g that

could

wrong

has

particularly the front and back c ove r

indigestion. A n y suggestions as to how

editorial

to ease the eating w o u l d be

very handy - I've already tried Pizza

a /a chapeau avec mal a Vestomac

w h i c h was a stonkingly g o o d idea

and

but had p r o b l e m s

liquidise a la beaucoup de visitations

i n execution as

11 December 1991

the p o p u l a r

drink

Chapeau

I shall be c a l l i n g in m y

wardens have been asking for more

those w h o require it a nd a youth

security as a major priority for ages.

hostel nearby for those w h o d o n ' t .

y o u may notice. H a v i n g visited the

au toilette.

c i r c u s troupe ' A r c h a o s ' this week

debts when I've finished it.

And

1 have been sorely tempted to run

Revenge of the F i r Cones

beginning

away with them and meet a firey but

T h e C o l l e g e management has been

deliberately set o n fire in Southside

heavily

nothing

happens.

A t the

o f this year a lift was

Chere Marge Je

n ' a i pas

essaye

langue

F r a n g l a i s e p o u r un longue temps.

criticised i n the national

- we d o n ' t k n o w whether it was a

E t maintenant p o u r

media recently. In addition, the fact

resident o r somebody from outside,

totalement different

page ' S o n O f G o d ' section was to

that the security situation went to a

and nor shall we because there were

N o u s avons un section nouveau

entertain,

strike

not enough security guards to keep

dans ce j o u r n a l - c i . C e section est

confrontational a p p r o a c h o n their

unwanted visitors out. T h e col l ege

p o u r tous les pieces de gossip que

part. T w o letters f r o m c o n c e r n e d

day - w h e n the administration was

vous avez mais que vous ne p o u v e z

persuaded

pas mettre dans les actualites. S i

glorious e n d by flame

thrower.

T h e p r i m a r y intent o f the centre

though latter

not to cause

I ' m sure as w e l l .

it has done the I tend

extreme follower free

offence, to be an

o f the notion o f

speech - that nothing is too

is h i g h l y

academics

indicative

have

their w a y

found

into the F e l i x office,

of a

the general

referendum

they

sacred to make fun of. T h i s does not

tenor

necessarily

C o l l e g e management acts in a heavy

Management's

handed

obviously

mean

that I have n o

respect

for people

with

though

it does

mean

for

religion

religion,

which

indicates

a nd o v e r b e a r i n g

that

m a nne r .

hold

the

ignored

student

completely

result.

The

responsibilities include

fiscal

vous

avez

quelquechose

lettre,

sans

o u avec

management,

e x c l u s i o n o f a l l else.

Reactions f r o m religious people to

v i e w . S i r E r i c A s h told m e that i n

Felix dinner

t r o u v e r utile.

per

se.

such blasphemy - as they see it - can

his v i e w the generalised

range from the acceptance that other

which has c o m e his way is o f no use

criticism

people have different views through

as it addresses

no specific points.

p r a y i n g for m y soul to the totally

I feel that it is fairly o b v i o u s what

ridiculous second hand rhetoric and

these

specific

bible quoting w h i c h is indicative o f

College

a complete lack o f original thought.

communicates

points

a r e : the

administration with

the

rarely lower

I hope that y o u find it f u n .

echelons o f College and when it does

O h What A Hat H e ' s Got

it ignores them. P r o o f ? T h e halls o f

Fleming

residence

Heino

has v e r y

kindly

have

needed

better

aquired a small cotton baseball c a p

security for a l o n g time. A year o r

for me to eat. I a m w o r k i n g through

so a g o there w e r e a series o f rapes

tiny

anything

piece larger

centimetres

tiny

at a time

in other college residences, and an

square

attempted rape at a St. M a r y ' s hall

piece

than four

gives

( W i l s o n house I believe it was). T h e

seemed

but

n o t to the

a good

idea to

Felix.

The

somewhat

the p r i m e

location

C h a l f o n t St G i l e s at the northern end

o f the M e t r o p o l i t a n

line in

J'espere

que vous

Letters

a country p u b s o m e w h e r e moment

n o m , et le

'dear M a r g e ' y ecrit dans le O f f i c e

arrange this y e a r ' s F e l i x d i n n e r in - at the

mettre dans le h o l e - d e - p i g e o n avec

the validity o f any other point o f

I have n o

pour

emplacer c'est possible d'ecrire une

T h e y seem incapable o f accepting

respect

quelquechose

R a g situation

'Rag

has changed

since the letter entitled

Resignation'

was i n c l u d e d .

M a r c E l l i s (Penguin) has b e c o m e acting

Rag

Chair

with

the

South B u c k i n g h a m s h i r e - a nd as I

possibility (at the time o f writing)

w o u l d like to reconnoitre the p u b

that he w i l l become R a g C h a i r once

beforehand but d o not have time to

again

arrange things before C h r i s t m a s , it

election. Therefore the letter is n o w

though this depends but

o n an

w i l l o c c u r , i f it o c c u r s at a l l , at the

invalid,

b e g i n n i n g o f next year, a n d it is

printed before the present situation

unfortunately

was

possible that the price o f the meal

arose.

w i l l be subsidised with the option o f a m i n i - b u s there a nd back for

THIS TH6Y fHEM

DO...

YZ[\Z][S letce PI Liens at-

YOU REALCY THIM< IT WOULD E N D THIS

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PIP THEY 6 â&#x201A;Ź T u P T H P e f toU&J THE" DOOR'S AU\/AVS LOCXEP 9

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Vo KNO V THERE ARE LOCKS ON 7-11 DOORS iFTHe ARE OPEN 24- HBS A ÂťAY, 3fe5 PAYS f\ YEAR. ?

WELL

W EP

ASWP

THEM... J HAPPY

-24-

CHRISTMAS

11 December 1991

Felix 920

CLAYPONDS

SOUTH EALING Accommodation available from January 1992

SINGLE ROOMS: small £34 p/week medium £46 p/week large £54 p/week

£95 p/week

Further details & application forms available from: Alison Hollingworth Accommodation Office 15 Prince's Gardens

Beautiful Bounty in the sizzling soaraway

SON OF GOD OF

BINGO!

GOD

Wednesday, December 25, 12 Anno Augustus 1 Sesterce

Wn i yo u r very own 2CV chariot

VIRGIN ON THE ! God's e child s stable famil DOCTORS are baffled by a claim of SEX with GOD. MARY DAVIDSON, 14, has just given birth to a bouncing baby boy, without ever having had any HANKY PANKY. She says that she is still a VIRGIN, even though this is plainly IMPOSSIBLE. SHE says that s h e had a V I S I T A T I O N f r o m G O D at t h e p a s s o v e r p a r a d e a n d that S H E definitely wasn't PASSED O V E R . A c c o r d i n g to M a r y ; s h e was out d e l i v e r i n g passover eggs when G O D appeared in f r on t of h e r a n d t o l d h e r that s h e w a s g o i n g to h a v e a b a b y . ' H E was a perfect gentleman' said Mary, 'and N O T H I N G happened between us'. 'I just found myself P R E G N A N T ' , she added.

Bill

Goodwin

Her husband, Joseph, then h e r fiance said he wanted to 'Keep it i n the family' a n d refused to comment further. In a press conference after the b i r t h she complained about the 'poor standard' of accommodation i n the area. She h a d to share a r o o m with a n Ox, a n A s s , a n d three Kings who were in town to pay homage to Herod's newborn son. T h e birth took place i n the early hours of the morning but within minutes they had decided o n a name; Jesus. 'We felt like giving h i m a m o d e r n name, a name people will remember.'

Satanic sects Sanhedrin shocker exposed in an exciting EXCLUSIVE on page 4.

2 THE SON

OF GOD,

Wednesday,

December 25,

THE SON OF GOD S A Y S

Boys will be boy s

Herod has ordered the death o f all male children in the J u d a e a district.

Those whingeing parents who have ยง had their children filleted should stop E complaining and get down to making j j some more'.' E

Male children grow up to be male adults and it is an indisputable statistical fact that males cause the most violence. It is a sad but necessary action to kill all male children if the government has evidence to show their danger to the state.

W e s h o u l d congratulate Herod in his selfless protection of the state, but only question w h y he stopped at b o y s .

| 1 i |

SHOW THEM THEIR PROPER PLACE! Once again a female has been found guilty o f extramarital sex. Mary Davidson claims that she received a 'visitation' from the prime mover of the Universe and became pregnant. We live in a modern, civilised and rational world and this is obviously untrue.

W o m e n are the s p a w n o f satan and those following the dark path should be stoned to death.

| Go home, I bloody | foreigners! Three 'wise m e n from the East' visited Palestine this week.

! | ! This T O P O F T H E R A N G E , sporty, c o n v e r t a b l e chariot COMP L E T E w i t h sharp, s h i n i n g spikes, a Y E A R S S U P P L Y of H A Y and BOUND TWO MUSCLE c h a r i o t e e r s (horses not supplied).

IT'S E A S Y - all h a v e to d o is pick up your special S O N B I N G O c a r d from y o u r local papyrus m e r c h a n t a n d m a t c h the n u m b e r s e v e r y day in y o u r S U P E R S I Z Z L ING S O A R A W A Y S O N O F G O D .

These so called Kings say they were locking for a small child in Bethlehem to worship him as the new Messiah. Who are these madmen? High Priest Caiaphas said that 'the sons of Israel will find their own Messiah and we don't need jumped up coolies in posh clothes to do it.'

Oriental paedophiles (perverts w h o ' l i k e ' c h i l d r e n a bit t o o m u c h ) a r e a danger to children and should be d r o w n e d in the J o r d a n . FtllllllllllllllllllllllllllllMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

THE S O N OF G O D ,

Wednesday, December 25,

12AA

Isiah's Horoscope C a p r i c o r n (23rd Dec - 2 0 t h Jan) Y o u become convinced that W o o d Engineeri n g at Imperial C o l l e ge is not w o r t h w r i t i n g a book about and will accidentally found a new religion. Y o u r favourite food are m i n c e pies a n d y o u r l u c k y c o l o u r is white. A q u a r i u s (21st J a n - 19th Feb) Y o u will witness a visitation by a m a n offering r o u n d m i n c e pies a n d s i n g i n g M a x B y g r a v e s ' greatest hits. F o r t u n a t e l y a doubleglazing salesman w i l l call at a convenient time. Pisces (20th Feb - 2 0 t h March) T h i s is not a g o o d w e e k for plans of w o r l d d o m i n a t i o n . Y o u r personal a r m y w i l l revolt and a U N peace keeping force will set up c a m p in y o u r k i t c h e n . Y o u r C h r i s t m a s Cactus flowers. A r i e s (21st M a r c h - 2 0 t h A p r i l ) U n d e r s t a n d i n g household appliances w i l l seem easy this w e e k, so set y o u r video for the whole year. Quite how you'll feel in three days, w h e n y o u r fridge defrosts in a suicide b i d , is another c o o k i e c r u m b l i n g . T a u r u s (21st A p r i l - 21st May) Mars, in the house of Pluto, t w i n n e d w i t h an expectant m o o n could m e a n an unexpected call from a tall d a r k stranger offering a record i n g contract for y o u r n e w song. O r it c o u l d be a flock of flightless waterfowl c o m p l a i n i n g . G e m i n i (22nd M a y - 21st June) A surprise visit from t h e P o p e m a y be d e l a y e d if y o u don't r e p l a ce that c a r t o n of m i l k . Y o u w i l l d i s c o v e r friends i n strange places w h o nurse y o u in y o u r hour of need, but u l t i m a t e l y Jupi t er dictates that y o u have to c o m e to terms w i t h not meeting a religious notary this w e e k . C a n c e r (22nd J u n e - 2 3 r d July) A l t h o u g h y o u feel like putting y o u r feet up, this is the perfect t i m e to practice y o u r sporting activities. Y o u m a y be d i s a p p o i n t e d not to be p i c k e d for the forthcoming international t o u r n a m e n t but darts is a cut-throat game. L e o (24th July - 23rd Aug ) Y o u have v i v i d dreams of b l a c k macs a n d squirty c r e a m but by a stroke of luck y o u are not certified. V e n u s in the ascendant is certain t o b r i n g good fortune this w e e k in y o u r quest to sweet talk a horoscope w r i t e r . O r cartoonist.

A VIRGIN MARY?

V i r g o (23rd A u g - 2 2 n d Sept) B e c o m i n g a p h o t o p h o b e a n d staying in bed seems a good idea this w e e k a n d could result in relationships entering a closer phase. Freak local hurricanes c o u l d spoil y o u r enjoyment if left to fester - take the advice of a diminutive friend. L i b r a (23rd Sept - 2 2 n d Oct) It's y o u r t u r n t o r e c e i v e a surprise gift this w e e k from a superior. T h i s s h o u l d give y o u r business life the spark it needs, but be w a r n ed that it's difficult to k n o w what to do w i t h a gift certificate for a frontal l o b o t o m y .

c c

.JL.

s s e

S c o r p i o (23rd Oct - 21st Nov) A suspicious p a c k a g e d e l i v e r e d to y o u r h o m e w i l l be m i s t a k e n for an X rated video, causing y o u r rabbit to b e c o m e p a r a n o i d . This c l o u d has a silver lining since y o u r h o m e m o v i e business starts to take off.

JL. t g

Sagittarius (23rd N o v - 2 2 n d Dec) Slowly your week turns from being u n d e r s t a n d a b l y r a n d o m t o frantically v a g u e as relationships get m o r e confusing than ever. A seemingly solid b a r r i e r w i l l b e c o m e just a t e c h n i c a l h i t c h w i t h t h e i n v e n t i o n of cheesecake.

4 THE SON

O FGOD, Wednesday, December

25,

12 A A

Son OF GOD

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SPORT CHARIOTS OF FIRE Nonus Integritus reporting from the Coliseum, Rome.

In the final gripping confrontation of the Chariot Racing season the Roman Rollers were narrowly defeated by the Palestine Pillagers in a thrilling BLOOD BATH. Slur T h e G a m e nearly resulted i n a draw, when proceedings were h a l t e d for half a n h o u r d u e to u n p r e c e d e n t e d b y s t a n d e r casualties. T H I R T Y F O U R ticket holders were m o w n d o w n in a spontaneous pitch invasion after R o m a n Rollers S T A R O l y m p u s D i c k u s r e c e i v e d a slur to his S E X U A L I T Y from the o p p o s i n g t e a m c a p t a i n . T w o l i n e s m e n w e r e also a m o n g s t t h e fatalities w h e n a r u n a w a y chariot r a n into b o a r r o a s t i n g s t a n d s e t t i ng fire to their togas a n d c a u s i n g u n t o l d d a m a g e to C a e s a r s n e w e r e c t i o n .

Olympus Dickus rolls over Pillagers.

HIGH SPIRITS T h e P r e s i d e n t of t h e A n c i e n t R o m a n Sporting Empire, Antiqitus F l a t u l a r t u m c o m m e n t e d o n the i n c i d e n t 'it's a s h a m e a little bit of h i g h spirits s h o u l d h o l d u p s u c h a fine g a m e . ' T h e R o m a n Rollers T e a m Captain said 'if it h a d not b e e n for the o t h e r t e a m c r o s s i n g t h e line first we would clearly have won.'

Final S c o r e : Palestine Pillagers 34, Roman Rollers 32

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TAKE a peep into the private world of the top stars with our exclusive LifeSTYLE file. Every week, SONSPORT brings you everything you want to know about one of chariot racing's big names. This week it's Olympus Dickus.

Personal

File

F U L L n a m e : O l y m p u s Shortus Dickus. Date of birth: N o v e m b e r 3, 26 A n n o Caesarus. Birth place: C a p e r n a u m Palestinae. Dad's job: Slave dealer to the r i c h a n d famous. Home: I live w i t h m y parents in a smalhtwo up two d o w n in the outer regions of the city. Chariot: I have a four horse m o d e l w ith a pair of fluffy dice. Married: No. Bothers and sisters: I h a d two sisters but m y fathers sold t h e m to the local governor. M y six brothers Bigus, Hairlus, Longus,. Bentus, and Queerus all live at home as well.

Nickname at club: R andi ni um , 1 have a

Scandal t t r g

QUIZ

FILE

WHAT was your ambition as a child? T o ride

was your Who boyhood hero? Triggirus

T h e M e n w e r e d i s c o v e r e d after acting o n i n f o r m a t i o n f r o m local shepherds, r e g a r d i n g the losses of flocks. " W e w e r e all l o o k i n g up at a strange image i n the s k y , " said A m o s Somerset, one of the shepherds " a n d w h e n w e l o o k e d d o w n significant n u m b e r s of l a m b s w e r e m i s s i n g " . F o l l o w i n g the trail of r i p p e d fleece, guards t r a c e d the three m e n to an insignificant stable in the grounds of a B e t h l e h e m H o t e l . T o the guards' horror they had s t u m b l e d across a S A T A N I C R I G H T S c e r e m o n y i n v o l v i n g , a n i m a l sacrifices, small c h i l d r e n a n d little furry animals. Residents of the hotel had c o m p l a i n e d earlier in the e v e n i n g about the bleating, w a i l i n g a n d s c r e e c h i n g c o m i n g f r o m the stable. T h e three m e n , aged 19, 34 and 56, later described the events as " c o m m o n practice, d o w n our w a y . W e didn't k n o w ritual sacrifice w a s b a n n e d in this country. That's the p r o b l e m w i t h these oppressive societies."

Attachment?

reputation for being a w o m a n i s e r .

a i n a chariot race i n the Olympics. It c a m e true last y e a r w h e n I rode i n front of t h e Caesar a n d c a m e fourth for the R o m a n u s Rollers.

Gifted Socket

Equus, he w a s a fantastic rider a n d s o m e o n e that I a l w a y s l o o k e d u p to.

What had been your biggest thrill in life? Does

that include

Fav

things

File

Food:Anything Fishy. Drink: A n y t h i n g fishy

Film: B e n H u r Film star: Billy the

Fish

Animal: Fish

Comedian: Brown

Chubby

other than chariot racing?

What is the best part of your job? Well, 1 don't think I c a n talk about that here.

What is the worst part of your job? T h e dust gets in y o u r eyes a n d the m a n u r e realy shits u p y o u r hair.

If you won a million denarii on the pools, what would be the first thing you would buy? A new chest wig, the old one is getting a bit w o r n out now.

What other sports and hobbies do you enjoy? W h e n I'm not r a c i n g I like to spend a lot of time in bed, although its far from relaxing!

What job do you have after you stop riding chariots? Set up a stud farm with m y father, I'm sure I'd c o m e in m o r e than useful.