http://felixonline.co.uk/archive/IC_1993/1993_0971_C

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FEL

Editorial H e was enthusiastic, f r i e n d l y and m o r e than a little eccentric. T o h i m

never there w h e n y o u want t h e m . ' O K ' I said after spending what

things were not interesting they were fascinating and intense. I entered

seemed l i k e an h o u r trying to find a w r i t i n g instrument.

I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e i n the same y e a r as h i m , w e studied o n the same c o u r s e , went t h r o u g h the same lectures, w e e v e n chose the same

final

year options.

'It's c o m pl e t e ly r i d i c u l o u s , they are totally outside their rights'. ' W h a t ? S l o w d o w n , what's happe ne d? ' ' L o o k right, I was m i n d i n g m y o w n business, all I wanted to d o

I got to k n o w h i m best i n m y final y e a r . T h e n he was l i v i n g i n a squat, w i t h the rest o f his strange and interesting friends. W h e n they had b r o k e n i n the b u i l d i n g , the d o o r had been l o c k e d , and they never

was meet m y brother. A n d they arrested m e and put m e i n solitary confinement' ' A - , just tell m e want h a p p e n e d ! '

got r o u n d to c h a n g i n g the k e y s . A s l o n g as I c a n r e m e m b e r , they h a d

' O K , y o u better write all this d o w n . I was i n the p a r k , I was waiting

to c l i m b through the kitchen windo w to get in. T h e r e was never anything

to meet m y brother at two o ' c l o c k , it was about one thirty, and I

strange about that, it was e x c i t i n g , they w e r e l i v i n g l i k e real students

befriended s o m e d r u n k s and then they tried to r o b m e . S o I ran away

were meant to, out o n the edge, d e f y i n g society.

to a phon e b o x , and they chased m e , so I stopped the t r a f f i c . . . '

I never went there; to me A - was just someone I spoke to e ve ry n o w and a g a i n , not a f r i e n d , just a casual acquaintance. I certainly was not c o o l e n o u g h to be invited b a c k to see the 'squat'. A - b e c a m e a closer c o m p a n i o n i n M a r c h and A p r i l last y e a r , w h e n w e had b o t h put

' W a i t a m i n u t e , y o u ran to a phone b o x ' ' A n d they chased me so I had to stop a car and use her m o b i l e phone' 'So y o u used someone's car phone to call the police' said I scribbling furiously.

ourselves f o r w a r d for sabbatical posts. T h e c a m p a i g n was l o n g and

' Y e a h , and w h e n they got there, the d r u n k s had got into a taxi cab

h a r d , it was g o o d to be able to chat to s o m e o n e about the elections

and were t r y i n g to get a w a y . T h e p o l i c e let the cab g o , but there was

without b e i n g in c o m p e t i t i o n . H e fought harder than most, his natural

about two h u n d r e d witnesses and one o f them s a i d , l o o k , they stole

enthusiasm was carried to extremes. T h i s meant that h i m and his closest

his things. S o the p o l i c e went o f f after the taxi, but they let it get away.

opponent w e r e plastered o v e r lecture theatres and w a l k w a y s for the

T h e n the p o l i c e said d o y o u m i n d m a k i n g a statement? A n d I said yes,

extent o f an o v e r - l o n g c a m p a i g n .

and they said d o y o u m i n d c o m i n g d o w n to the station to m a k e a

In the end he lost, I w o n . H e was h a m m e r e d d o w n b y the cruel q u i r k o f fate that is St M a r y ' s : H e w h o wins the favour o f the m e d i c a l school w i l l be a S a b b a t i c a l . It was v e r y close, A - was c l e a r l y devastated, he c o u l d not believe that his, almost s u p e r h u m a n , efforts c o u l d not get h i m into the office that he wanted.

statement, so I said yes. S o they took me to the station and they arrested m e under the mental health a c t . . . ' A t this point I stopped w r i t i n g . ' . . A n d I said I want to see m y solicitor, and they said y o u don't have the right to see a s o l i c i t o r , because y o u are b e i n g h e l d under the

But he d i d n ' t g i v e u p , he tried to get i n v o l v e d , h a d l o n g meetings

mental health act. A n d then they put m e into solitary confinement for

with his v i c t o r i o u s opponent, tried to get his ideas and plans into the

eight hours and they w o u l d n ' t let m e call a n y b o d y . A n d i n the m o r n i n g

U n i o n w h i c h had so heartlessly rejected h i m . H e confessed to m e

they got two doctors to c o m m i t me and take me to the General Hospital'.

recently that the things his opponent had achieved for the U n i o n , were all his ideas i n the first p l a c e .

C o m e o n , C o m e o n , I kept s a y i n g to myself. Y o u ' v e got to keep o n w r i t i n g , i f y o u want to be a j o u r n a l i s t , y o u can't let y o u r feelings

E v e n t u a l l y , the exams finished and w e all went o u r separate w a y s ,

get i n the w a y .

all the final students disappeared o f f w i t h their new p l a n s , some to

' W h e r e are y o u n o w A - ? '

P h D ' s , some to w e l l - p a i d j o b s , some to travel the w o r l d . A - took u p

'I'm

with the rave scene. L a s t s u m m e r he f o l l o w e d the festivals a r o u n d ,

i n the hospital n o w , I ' m c a l l i n g f r o m the pay phon e next to

w a r d 2. L o o k I have been arrested under section 2 o f the mental health

legal and i l l e g a l , reporting b a c k to m e a l l the time. It was ' c r a z y ,

act, and they are totally outside their rights and m y appeal c o m e s up

a w e s o m e , a m a z i n g , y o u s h o u l d see what is happe ni n g h e r e , w e are

in 72 h o u r s . T h a t ' s solitary confinement, not a l l o w e d m y rights, they

g o i n g to change the w o r l d ' .

are c o m pl e t e ly outside their j u r i s d i c t i o n ' . T h e phon e went d e a d .

O f course the w o r l d stayed the same, a n d I tolerated these phon e

S o this is what happened to all the y o u n g life that left U n i v e r s i t y

calls, I was not hard enough to tell h i m to push off. I c o u l d have reported

just 12 months ago? W e are a l l o w e d out into the real w o r l d , and one

on t h e m , I d i d n ' t , it w o u l d h a v e m a d e a g o o d feature, the fact was

year later all the hope and opportunity that had been d r i l l e d into us,

I just wasn't interested. I was far too busy b a n g i n g m y head against

the students o f Imperial C o l l e g e , has been beaten d o w n or left us unable

a b r i c k w a l l i n the F e l i x O f f i c e . T h e s u m m e r ended. T e r m started and

to handle day to day life.

F e l i x started to be p r o d u c e d . A - d i s a p p e a r e d , he had a j o b to go to,

W i t h the real w o r l d about to enter into m y life, I w o n d e r w h e r e m y

I h a d m i n e ; the real h e l l o f p r o d u c i n g a m a g a z i n e was finally revealed

naive enthusiasm has gone. I feel like A - , I had bright, c o l o u r f u l plans

to m e .

and none o f them ever happened. Instead o f not b e i n g able to c o p e

I heard f r o m h i m again about a month ago. H e was sitting in D a V i n c i ' s ,

with the difficulties, I have g i v e n u p c a r i n g . A y e a r ago editing F e l i x

a bar that had been refurbished by his competitor, d r i n k i n g . H e seemed

was the most exciting thing that h a d ever happene d i n m y life. I was

quieter than u s u a l , but still the ideas came thick and fast: H e was g o i n g

g o i n g to change the w h o l e p l a c e , m a k e it into a r e a l , happe ni n g

to get the students' u n i o n o n M T V , b r i n g a rave into the b u i l d i n g for

newspaper, m a k e sure that it was k n o w n all o v e r the c o u n t r y .

the last day o f t e r m , the excitement never stopped. H e h a d lost his

S a d l y , I have failed, nothing has c h a n g e d except m y v i e w s . I have

o r i g i n a l j o b as an accountant. ' T h e y w e r e c o m p l e t e l y outside their

spent u p to ninety hours e ve ry week i n a place i n w h i c h I have rarely

rights, m y case w i l l c o m e u p s o o n , and I ' m g o i n g to w i n ' .

felt w e l c o m e . M y attempts to change have been d e l a y e d , i g n o r e d and

After that the phone calls started again. T h e r e was a rave in Brighton,

r i d i c u l e d . B u t fortunately, the last l a u g h is m i n e . F e l i x w i l l die i f it

the p o l i c e were there, call all the newspapers, there is g o i n g to be a

goes o n as it has this year. Its funding will be cut, its privileges removed,

riot, it's the biggest story o f the year. A g a i n I i g n o r e d it, he had invited

its p r o u d editorial f r e e d o m e r o d e d . T h e r e w i l l be a time w h e n some

m e to the r a v e , I d i d not want to go. M a y b e it was the biggest story

adventurous student decides that F e l i x does not represent h i m and

o f the y e a r , but I don't r e m e m b e r anyone else c o v e r i n g the b r e a k up

decides to set up a c ompe ti tor. T h e n w h i c h s h o u l d the student u n i o n fund? T h e c l a p p e d out, anachronistic F e l i x , or the new magazine? I

o f a rave in B r i g h t o n .

And

then there was the most recent c a l l:

H e sounded rushed,

harassed, ' G e t a p e n , y o u ' r e g o i n g to h a v e to write this all d o w n ' .

I tried to find a p e n , a l o n g r unni n g p r o b l e m i n F e l i x , the pens are

k n o w w h i c h one I w o u l d g o for.

Love n ' kisses, Jonty

Contents FELIX ISSUE 971 FEATURES SECTION 23rd JUNE 1993 2

Editorial

3

Contents

4/5

Interview with Sir Eric Ash

6/7

Results of Survey on the use of English by job applicants

8/9

Interview with Professor Mary

Archer

10/11

The news Felix missed...

12/13

Profile of Baroness Barbara Castle

14/15/16/17

The history of the Supergun

18/19

Dear Donny

20

Scientists and

21

Andrew's Abstract Adventures continue

22/23

Jazz and Rock review

24

Notes and Queries

25

Felix staff revenge on the Editor

26

Staff photo

27

Thanks for Felix 92/93

Front cover photograph by Stef Smith.

Communication

Feature

And now the end is near Jonty Beavan reflects with departing Rector Sir Eric Ash on his time at Imperial College.

JB: Do you mind if you go through what happened before you came to Imperial College and how you got to Imperial College?

E A : On a bicycle. That's not what you wanted to know, I started off in a place called Imperial College, got a P H D in 1952, spent a couple of years in Stamford University in California, did some research and got married, then spent about nine years in industry, S T L or Bell Northern research as it is now called, I then went to University College London were I was in the department o f Electronic and Electrical Engineering, latterly as head of department and then in 1985 I came here.

JB: Y o u took over from Lord Flowers who went on to become the Vice-chancellor of the University of London. How was Imperial College then?

E A : Well Imperial College has been a marvellous place ever since it was invented I found when I came here and I went through every department, the quality of the work was mind-boggling. It's an amazing place, I don't think that most students really are aware of that fact, certainly not if they read Felix.

JB: Everyone knows Imperial College has a very, very high academic standard, but what was the attitudes of the people who ran Imperial College. The people that you were dealing with every day?

E A : Well, I have made some good friends and have some excellent colleagues. M y first four years here the administration was run by John Smith who had very good rapport with everybody in the place and I'd say very much so with the students as well. It was a situation, when Imperial College had been treated rather well financially until 1985.

In 85/86 formula funding came in and according to this formula we had been overfunded and we therefore suffered reductions in our income for several years after that.

I think the U K needs some elite universities, Oxford and Cambridge are immensely rich. It would have been not unreasonable for Imperial College, which is the only place that is really up to the standard of Oxford or Cambridge Science and Engineering, to have continued in some way to receive some elite

Page 4

funding, but that was not the way it was set up at the time, Things have improved recently in as much as the Higher Education Funding Council now does take the research selectivity exercises seriously. This year for the first time we are getting slightly more than we have in the past.

JB: When you first came to Imperial College in an interview in Felix, you said you were concerned at the state of teaching. Imperial College's teaching is not it's greatest asset.

E A : I think it is important to realise that that interview took place before I had set foot in the place. It's a very difficult thing to judge, it really is, my impression about teaching at Imperial College is that it is good...

JB: The Times University Survey disagrees with you on that.

E A : Yes. And the methodology of the Times assessment, of course is not one which has received very much scrutiny. Y o u won't expect me to complain too much about it, since overall we do extraordinarily well. This actually runs totally parallel to the Higher Education Funding Council (HEFC) assessment of us as well. I'm not clear on what basis the Times survey assessed teaching. I recendy gave a talk, have written an article, for the Royal Society of Arts, which includes segments on this question, of how do you assess teaching quality. The H E F C was hellbent on doing it, but I believe the evidence that they have that they can actually assess teaching quality by bringing a team of people in here is totally wanton. It's a very difficult thing to assess JB: Y o u introduced the post of Managing Director of Imperial C o l l e g e , which is the first M a n a g i n g D i r e c t o r o f any University.

E A : It is a title which more closely reflects the job that Angus Frazer's doing. It is really very comparable to what John Smith was doing, but I think it is more descriptive of what he's about. The managing Director reports to the Rector. So the Rector has full responsibility for the academic side as well as the administrative side, and for the finances.

JB: How do you see the position of Rector at the moment. Is it a

figurehead position?

E A : Absolutely not. I've found it a very stretching position, I found it's taken me seven days a week to do it. Basically, because I spend five days a week talking to people, then I start serious work on the Saturday morning. It is anything but a figurehead position. The Rector has total responsibility for the academic and financial and administrative welfare of the College, and all who sail therein.

JB: Getting back to the Managing Director, that title has caused controversy within Imperial College.

E A : Any change you make in Imperial College will immediately lead to controversy.

JB: Why do you think that is?

E A : It is an interesting question.

M y conclusion is it's not just Imperial College. Academics and in a sense even students in Universities are extremely conservative people.

They're anything but conservative when it comes to the work they're doing, they think thoughts a couple of years earlier might have been regarded as totally unthinkable.

They have fantastic imagination and they are able to conceive of new worlds that didn't exist, but when it comes to changing anything on the administrative side, they really would prefer tomorrow to be as closely like yesterday as possible.

JB: Interesting that you say 'they' when you refer to academics. Yet

you have a very strong academic background.

E A : Happily not all academics are conservative on administrative matters, otherwise the things that I believe we have achieved at Imperial College in the eight years that I have been here could not have been achieved.

JB: There has been a perception that Imperial College has become more market oriented and business-like, more like an American University.

E A : Well you are asking two quite separate questions there and you are linking them. I would not accept that Stamford University where I was a couple of weeks ago, is particularly market orientated. It really depends what you mean by market orientated. There is no question that the funding for research has been pushed in the last few years towards more emphasis on wealth generation. Now if you look at Imperial College, a good half of it is engineering.

Engineering has always been concerned with wealth creation.

That's what it's there for. I think you will find that at least half, and maybe three quarters, of what goes on at Imperial College is research, which may be very far away from the product, but is never the less ultimately concerned with doing something which has utility. But there is a segment of science in Imperial College which is not concerned with wealth creation.

Feature x

Pure mathematics for example, particle physics, astronomy and we have maintained with total determination that these areas should continue to flourish. Now I think the other side of what I think is implied by the question of being market oriented is the way we distribute the funds which are available to the partners and the way we cost what various activities in the College cost. That I regard as a wholly desirable thing, If you're spending money you ought to know what you're spending it for, i f you're distributing money you ought to have a rationale for doing

it. Y o u mentioned the American system where alumni support the universities. Yes indeed we have to move in that direction. There is no university that I know of in the United States or anywhere else in the western world, which has a w o r l d class reputation, not dependant in some way or other on charitable resources and resources derived from alumni. If we fail to recognise this we will not be able to maintain Imperial College as a world class university.

JB: What's the greatest memory of Imperial College you will carry with you, wherever you go from here on.

E A : Oh, I think the most important single thing that has happened in my time here is the introduction of the medical school, I might say the probability that the Imperial College medical school w i l l form substantially larger fraction of the whole over the next three years. I think with a greater emphasis in Imperial College on the life sciences in general. Engineering in Imperial College is superb, recognised so by all who have had a look at it. I don't think eight years ago people had recognised the enormous strength of the Life Sciences at Imperial College.

JB: Your greatest regret?

E A : Well, I think the greatest regret is the relatively slow progress that we've made in developing student housing, and student residences.

We've made progress we can accommodate substantially more people than we could when I came.

On the other hand we have about 40% more students too, so we've probably just about kept up.

Particularly I might say for getting more women in the College. Since we are on regrets, let me mention another regret: That is when I came 17% of the students were women and my aim was to double that number. I've only got up to 26%.

We have actually doubled the number of women at Imperial, but that's because the whole place has expanded too. There's a long ways to go from 26% to 50% which must be the target.

JB: Housing is one of the major problems of Imperial College. In the future do you think housing is going to be a problem particularly when A level students are choosing whether to come to Imperial or not?

E A : Where students decide to go will depend on a number of different factors and quality and cost of residences will be one.

Residences at Imperial College are not bad. They are vastly better incidentally, than they were a few years ago. We've worked very hard at that. There's still a considerable way to go and one only has to read the pages of Felix almost every week to see a few complaints here and there. But generally, anybody who looks at the totality of what we have: We have a lot more and the quality is greatly improved. The cost is high, on the other hand those students who get a grant, get a full grant get an extra £17 a week London allowance. I would attribute the major cost of being in London to being in the residences.

So therefore one can attribute most of that £17 to residences. If you look at it that way, in fact our residences are not bad value and incidentally they are probably the best value in London. However that isn't very much comfort to those students who because they are blessed with parents who earn a few quid don't in fact get a full grant.

JB: Was purchasing the Clayponds residences in Ealing a mistake?

E A : I do not think so.

JB: It created a large amount of debt in Imperial College.

E A : Yes it's created some debt, but its also created a major asset.

Clayponds is full people are very happy to live there. It's a little far out, but it is an asset which we can cash in i f we ever need to or want to. If for example we succeed in what I am endeavouring to do at the moment which is to purchase some more property within reasonable distances, preferable walking distance, if not cycling distance of the college. If we decide at some stage decide that some of the Clayponds properties should be put back on the market, they are

extremely marketable. The thing was bought as a housing estate and so the houses are in fact meant for normally family residences and there would be no difficulty whatsoever in selling them.

JB: Like Furse House (Large house on Queens Gate Terrace which the College showed an interest in buying last year).

E A : Well Furse House I think we got wrong. I believe that the Governing Body lacked the courage to go ahead on it. It was in fact bought in the end by an alumnus of failed on this. On the other hand I think that by the very fact that we have failed on this one has perhaps enabled us to get our courage to the sticking point on some properties which we are looking at at the moment.

JB: What do you think are going to be the future problems for Imperial College?

E A : I would put student residences as one of the major problems for the college. I think the second major problem that Sir Ron Oxbough will face, is the expansion of the medical school. He wanted to keep a low profile at Imperial College this year. But I specifically asked him any time he had, he would spend on the medical school. I think that the Imperial College tor £3.8 million pounds. I believe that i f we could have bought it at that price it would have been a great asset to the college. In order to finance it, we would have had to have asked alumni to help. I think we would have needed something like £2m in order for it not to be an additional load on student residence account.

I believe that we could have got £2m from alumni if we had done this. I am disappointed that we

various options which one reads in T o m l i n s on plan, the the complexities that are involved in the interface with the health service will be one of the very major problems he faces. On the other hand I think he will inherit an Imperial College which is academically extremely sound and I believe that this applies to the teaching as well as to the research. I believe that he will

3

inherit a faculty which is outstanding and I believe he will inherit an administration, which is vastly better than it was some years ago.

JB: And what do you plan to do?

I read the original interview with Felix that you enjoyed playing the viola and skiing. Are these still hobbies?

E A I ski, I haven't played a viola seriously for a long time.

JB: Is this Imperial College taking it's toll?

E A : Its taken its toll on time, time that one has for doing things, but, I don't think its taken its toll on me, as far as my willingness to do things is concerned. I don't feel terribly different to the way I felt eight years ago and certainly don't intend to spend my time on hobbies and growing roses in the garden or that sort of thing. So I intend to work.

JB: More research or...

E A : I hope to spend some time on research. Indeed there's one thing I would quite like to do which has to do with teaching. I would quite like to do some research on electronically aided interactive classroom teaching.

JB: Whats that?

E A Well its... In my experience of teaching tutorials work rather well when you get three or four people round a table there is genuine interaction and everybody participates, take a theatre full of two hundred people and I think i f you are lucky, If your teaching is tuned up and good and you're enthusiastic, you might carry 2/3 of the people with you 2/3 of the time, and that's if you're lucky, IF you're unlucky it er, well it's a lot worse than that. What I would like to do is to see weather one can't turn the experience of the tutorial into one that can be made available to people in classroom of 200 people it does really matter of course that they have to be able to interact, I think there are ways of course in which one can revise this, It would lead to a completely different form in the way of teaching things JB: One last question, how would you like to be remembered as Rector of Imperial College?

E A : Well I think my general answer would be that some body who was handed the baton was able to run with it and come in a reasonably good place in the race. Life is a race. I think Imperial College has developed well , I don't think I suffered from megalomania, attribute the improvement which have taken place to myself, but I think the place has improved, I think it is better, it is stronger i f only the academic side and the administrative side than when I came.

e

'eature 23 June 1993

Felix 971

What's in a word?

Can what you write really matter? Dr Bernard Lamb and the Queen's English Society have asked a few employers what they think.

Earlier this academic year, there was correspondence in Felix and Network about the English standards of students, following the publication of my book, A National Survey of UK Undergraduates' Standards of English. These studies have been extended in a pilot survey of British employers on the English language standards of recruits and job applicants in industry and commerce. Some of our findings have clear implications for schools, university students and job applicants in general. This was a pilot survey with a 30.4% return of 148 questionnaires, so the figures are only rough estimates. We the Queen's English society—will now make a much larger survey.

87% of employers replied that schools had not given pupils a sufficient command of English.

51 % of typical young recruits were poor at writing reports, 50% were poor at writing memoranda and minutes, and 54% were poor at giving presentations. 41% of employers said that more than half their young applicants had insufficient grasp of grammar, spelling and punctuation. The holders of professional qualifications (degree or equivalent), with 50% good at spoken English and 37% good at written English, were better than 16-18-year-olds (20% and 17% good, respectively).

The written comments of the employers (mainly from personnel officers and managing directors) were fascinating. Some are highly relevant to students applying for jobs, so are worth quoting, especially the first one. Please take care with your accompanying letter!

1. In common with many other companies, we receive large numbers of unsolicited job applications. The fact that the CV has been professionally produced is frequently demonstrated all too clearly by the quite appalling standard of the accompanying letter. It has to be said that this is not merely true of the young applicants but of quite a number in the next generation as well.

Generally speaker, we endeavour to select those recurits who

Page 6

'The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you can make words mean different things.'

'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'which is to be master - that's all.'

Alice was much too puzzled to say anything, so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. 'They've a temper most of them - particularly verbs, they're the proudest - adjectives you can do almost anything with, but not verbs - however, I can manage the whole lot!

Impenetrability! That's what I say!'

Feature Felix 971

demonstrate a reasonable grasp of English and we would not expect to have to spend money on improving it.

2. Junior staff are unable to speak and write correctly due to shortcomings of the education system and deterioration in the quality of teachers.

3. S. E. London is an excellent example of where speech patterns have developed such that communication is not of the essence. Written expression is invariably very poor. Articulation is such that understanding can be very limited. Sentence construction underlines poor marshalling of thought. Spelling is not considered important. I believe the situation to be critical for the future welfare of this country.

4. Young people do not seem to have the basic 'tool kit' in place.

They cannot spell very well, even simple words, and rarely have a grasp of simple punctuation. By the way, what is an apostrophe?

Speech is sometimes 5. grammatically flawed and written work is badly punctuated and spelt, but the youngsters are computer literate and rely on word processor packages with 'spell-check' facilities! Unsolicited applications from young people for lower grade work are often appalling.

6. The general level of spoken and written English is extremely poor.

7. We recruit mainly mature people, but standards are still, on the whole, poor. The use of the wrong past tense (he has went) is almost becoming standard—at least in Scotland.

8. Their basic understanding of grammar is missing. Those that have studied foreign languages benefit in this area.

9. In my opinion the ability to write is very poor in the young people I employ.

10. In terms of spoken English they are confident, if not 'correct' and are understandable. Written English is often corrected by word processors with a spell-check—this still leaves punctuation to be left 'wrong' unless the secretary of copy typist corrects in proof reading.

11. Inasmuch as we measure applicants' abilty to speak/write/present, then our recruits, while not as good as they should be, are immensely better than the standard of our applicants, which can be appalling.

23 June

1993

"I miss the good old days when all we had to worry about was nouns and verbs."

12. BASIC MANNERS i.e. the word 'yes' instead of 'yea' at interviews. 'Please', 'thankyou', or 'can I help?'—often omitted from everyday commutations. Lack of self motivation and often aggressive attitudes amongst 16-18 year olds.

Also the inability to complete an Application Form correctly i.e. standards we would all welcome are sadly amiss, particularly in the younger generation.

Spelling correctly is so important I can not imagine how 'the powers that be in Education' ever considered it to be irrelevant. As an employer I would welcome any improvement in the use of the 'Queen's English'.

13. Quite simply, not enough attention at school level towards good grammar, punctuation and spelling. The results are poor letters, reports and, therefore, image of company. I think it matters.

14. Many of those coming into senior clerical and prospective management positions do need considerable coaching in report writing, minute taking etc, which it appears are not taught in the majority of schools. In my experience, what pupils are not getting from the schools is sufficient command of the kind of English they will require in business. Part of the problem appears to be that some teachers are not aware of the requirements of business and are therefore unable to help their pupils.

HAIRDRESSERS 15A H A R R I N G T O N R O A D , SOUTH KENSINGTON 071-823 8968

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Page 7

'eature 23 June

1993

Feature

Felix 971

Felix 971

23 June

1993

They don't call me a lady What has happened to Imperial College's nost famous daughter? Jonty Beavan talks to Professor Mary Archer

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'I have an appointment to meet Professor Archer.'

'You mean Doctor Archer' 'She's a visiting professor at Imperial College actually,' I said slightly smugly. The Security guard gave me a, 'God, not another one', look and rang up to confirm if I was expected.

I was exactly on time, this I knew because I had just checked the time on B i g Ben. B i g Ben that lay a stone's throw across the Thames, from the penthouse suite that the Archers occupied. I was here to interview Professor or Doctor Mary Archer, wife of a novelist and politician whose name I forget.

Professor Archer is a visiting fellow at Imperial College, where she also took her PhD, and spends the rest of her time juggling business and other interests into her daily schedule. Not overly fond of living in her husband's shadow, when Jeffery Archer became L o r d Archer, she put out a statement saying she wished to be known as Doctor Archer, or Professor Archer when at Imperial College. As this will only be read at Imperial College, I had better follow the protocol.

in the corridor. 'Sorry, we're running a little behind schedule' she smiled. I was then whisked off to her study to await an audience.

You can tell a lot about people from where they live, so the old wives' tale goes anyway. I began to study how true this was from the room in which I had been placed.

The study was meticulous, a plush carpet, comfortable armchairs, painfully free from any adornments.

The most dominant feature was the desk, looking like it had escaped from the Greek pantheon and occupied half the room. How far does this back up my impression of Mary Archer? She spoke clearly and precisely, each word chosen carefully and her views were all carefully qualified.

Long experience with the media and being a politician's wife had obviously left their impression.

Clearly, she did not have to give an interview, I'm only from a student newspaper after all, but it had been arranged at only a few days notice.

So obviously a generous person, but little of that came across. During the interview she controlled every word, I never felt she said any more than she absolutely wanted to.

Another cause that has made Professor Archer famous is the promotion of science, in particular the role of women in science and engineering. N o need to look any further than Imperial College for evidence of that problem. The male to female ratio of 26% women are clearly a under-represented quantity here.

She is also very rich. The house I am about to enter is the top two floors of a luxury tower block in one of the most prestigious parts of London. I was eventually allowed to enter the lift and rose to the top floor, where I was confronted with a door. I stepped forward and opened it: The first thing that struck me was the noise. The flat looked like a building site, workmen were carrying wood everywhere, anything else I had been prepared for, wealth, opulence, anything, but home refurbishment? Someone who I surmised to be the Archers' personal assistant led me to a place of safety. Professor Archer met me

Professor Archer's business interests are well documented, with her chairmanship of the Lloyds hardship committee making headline news recently. So when Professor Archer finally had time to speak to me, I asked for her own description of her academic career instead.

'I was an undergraduate at Oxford; read Chemistry at St Anne's, then I did my PhD at Imperial in the Department of Chemistry... Then I went back to Oxford as a Post Doc and was for three years at St Hilda's College and one year at Summerville. Then we started to have our family and worked in London at the Royal Institution in Albermarle St, where George Porter was then director.

Then I was offered a fellowship at Newnham College, Cambridge..and taught there for about 10 years.. then I left after ten years at that brings us into the modem era' And

what are her

research

was her first impression of the place.

'I was favourably struck by its location in South Kensington, with its points of reference from my childhood. I remember visits to the V&A and the Albert Hall as a child, but I never knew Imperial College was there. I was impressed when I discovered it was.'

What was Imperial like when you studied here?

'I was impressed that Imperial was a tremendous battery of science. It was different from Oxford where one had friends reading Arts and History. In one way I found glamorous, but in the other way I found a little narrowing'. The transition from Oxford to Imperial was 'in some ways quite difficult. I think Imperial College now does much better than it did then about making its graduate students feel part of the college, I wasn't aware of many social events...It was very much a labbased existence'. She never got involved or even went to the students' Union, and used to eat in Southside Bars.

What inspired you to do science?

'I always loved science, ever since I knew there was such a subject... What are things made of and why they work, I found that It could be argued that this fascinating, I've always found crystals and fossils and objects country does not have a very strong beautiful and fascinating'. energy policy.

'It has the policy of securing So you have aesthetic sense of diverse secure energy supplies science? through the operation of the market.

'Partly in an aesthetic sense, yes.

I think it is recognised that the I do think there is tremendous market doesn't deliver every thing'. beauty in the natural world, and This is shown by the government there's a great beauty in 'putting about ÂŁ100 million levy on mathematics that turns out to fossil fuels to subsidise renewable underlie it' sources of energy. It puts Choosing science was relatively decreasing amounts towards nuclear unusual for a woman. When you research at the moment. There is an were at University, what made you argument we need to put more in go through with it? to build more nuclear plants.

'I went to an all-girls' school.

However our policy has been to let Nobody ever told me, until my die the market dictate as far as is was cast, that it was a relatively possible and then inevitably to unusual choice. You have to tweak the market where it fails to remember that in those days there deliver..but it has lead to some were women going into the violent shocks, the coal mines biological side of science so it closure is the latest example' wasn't that unusual. I never realised The subject of Imperial College I was in a minority until I got to Oxford. By then I was already a of course came up. I asked her what

interests now? W e l l , most of Professor Archer's research has been in Physical Chemistry, at the moment into what she described as 'Solar energy conversion'. In particular trying to produce electricity from sunlight without using a heat engine; in the same way that plants and trees get their energy.

In the long term what does she think about future for this approach?

'Going a long way toward the middle of next century when oil and gas become scarcer., and our energy economy and that of the world in general is going to move towards nuclear and renewables. I think it will be either or, if there are renewables there are bound to be dominant partner' Are you sort of an environmentalist then?

'Yes I sort of am...I am very concerned that our energy economy is sustainable, in the sense that you don't deplete resources irreversibly'. She did state that we should 'Invest in new sources of energy..so they are there to come on stream if we need them and we must do this in a way that is sustainable, so that it doesn 't impact ever more unfavourably on the environment.'

dedicated professional, and very happy with my specialism' Why do you spend time promoting women in science?

'I have always believed science is a very good occupation for a woman, I have never though that feminine qualities aren't needed in science: intuition is sometimes thought to be a woman's characteristic and intuition is very useful in science. There are issues about girls being put off at school, decreasingly so. There is a general need to encourage people into science, whether girls or boys.'

It's a very, very difficult area..'

What would you like to see the progression of women to be in Science in the next twenty years?

'I would like to see more of them and I would like to see more of them in positions of authority, the pyramid is undoubtedly too heavily weighted at the bottom and it's hard for women to get a long way up.. So I would like to see more women working along side men. I'm not a manhater, this change requires men of good will, not much is going to be achieved by shouting.'

You have said you are against positive discrimination.

'Yes I am. I think it's near fatal.

At the time you make an appointment, you've got to appoint the best person for the job... You can do all you can to bring women up, give them allowances for career breaks, or what ever, but you've got to appoint the best person who presents him or herself to interview... otherwise you get into a morass of favouritism' Do you think people like yourself putting themselves forward as icons is going to help the cause of women in science?

'I'm not persuaded myself that it does. I can only tell you that there is a lot of demand for it, people like myself are often asked to do things like that, whether it helps or not I don't know: Some people are helped by seeing what others have done before, others perversely what to do something nobody has ever done before' At this point I ran out questions.

Not that there aren't plenty to ask, just that talking about science and Imperial College is a touch limiting.

I put to her the case of a As I was shown out, I mentioned acquaintance, who had been foolishly that I had never been in a harassed by a tutor. When the penthouse before. I was then student complained, although the dragged off to see 'the view'. 'The harassment stopped the tutor was view' was located from the living not disciplined and her marks room which can only be reached by showed a marked decrease. How travelling corridors panelled with can women hope to advance if this contemporary political cartoons. In sort of behaviour is endemic in our the lounge I was presented with 'the institutions? view': It was like someone had 'It happens and it's a problem and decided to mount a cliff edge in central L o n d o n then as an it certainly requires procedures and afterthought shoved a living room to address it but I don't believe it on top of it. Across the panorama from my own is endemic, was the Thames and every other observation and experience...I'm landmark you would care to name. out of university life and I've never M y jaw dropped, I had very little had to deal with such an incident.

It's clear that allegations like that awe left to be struck with, and I muttered something about it being have to be investigated; I think incredible. I bowed out and people have to remember too that returned to the lift and a little touch it's easy to make allegations, and one mustn't necessarily assume that of reality. there '$ only one side to every story.

Imperial College has 26% women in its population; can you achieve the ideal of fifty percent?

'Maybe it never will ever be fifty percent, it will certainly be improved, when more girls do Maths and a Science to GCSE, as they now have to under the national curriculum, and I warmly support that. You can't have the nonsense of girls signing off Maths and Science at the age of 14...'

'There is a perception by people in general that the problems that science can solve concern women: The quality of the environment, the safety of the products we use, the improvement of the quality of our lives. These are issues that effect women perhaps even more than men and it is quite wrong to think that the fruits of science are somehow more relevant to what men do. The thing that has, I suppose historically, made some girls and women shy away from science is the link with technology and weaponry, decreasingly so now we are not in the cold war any more.'

'eature1993

23 June

Libel

Felix

971

The following news articles are for laughing at only. None of them are true. I made them all up.

t Revelations rocked the Union building this week as it was rumoured that Dominic Wilkinson's sex appeal is vanishing at an alarming rate.

The H o n See's irresistible charisma came into doubt when it was noticed that he has failed to shave off his semi-beard type growth.

Regulars in Da Vinci's have also noticed that he has 'not been able to pull as many birds as possible.'

Defenders of the sex god said: 'He has just run out of razors. Or maybe there is a short supply of them.'

We contacted the U n i o n Bookstore and they told us: 'We are drowning in razors. We wish having a clean shaven face was in fashion.'

Felix to tried to corner Dom to hear his point of view. He refused to say anything and attempted to hit Felix reporters with a copy of 'Making YourSelf Attractive To Women.'

Dominic Wilkinson after a sad attempt at shaving.

u t Imperial College is to become more politically correct, announced the Rector at a social function on Wednesday.

The decision comes following harsh criticisms from the Society For The Promotion Of Political Correctness Throughout Society, who recently published a boring report on the state of political correctness in Britian's universities.

Moves to improve IC will include a change in job titles for some perkins, for example, the Disabilities Officer will be known as the Officer For Perkins Who Are

Challenged In Some Way And May Need Someone Who They Can Tum To If In Need Of Help.

Students from the Politically Correct C l u b welcomed the changes. Neville Vegan, the vertically challenged chairperkin said 'We are pleased with the changes that are soon to be undertaken. It is time that such a politically incorrect environment became politically correct, if only to make perkins who are politically incorrect, aware that they are politically incorrect and that they should become politically correct so as not to offend any perkin who is challenged in some way.' Quite.

Scandal was abound at the end of year exams for the Department Of Computing, when it was revealed that someone had actually revised for the exams.

down during one lecture and needed desperately.

And as for the drugs racket, all I do is share hay fever tablets with fellow sufferers. There's no harm in that, is there?'

The joint Heads of Computing, the quick M r . Mega-hertz and the Students could hardly concentrate attractive M s . Veronica Gorsefor the swatter was also at the centre Atkinson, announced that they was launching an enquiry in to the of an alleged drugs racket.

We cannot reveal the identity of matter. 'If there has been an skullthe accused but he/she was brave duggery,' said M r . Mega- hertz, enough to speak to Felix: 'It's all 'then heads will undoubtedly roll.' lies. I was looking through my notes The result of the enquiry is for a phone number that I scribbled expected by June 25th, 1994.

o Gareth Light, Managing Director of Hot Gay Action Inc. was yesterday denying allegations that his new business venture, The Rubber Pleasure Toys Corporation, had failed miserably following losses of nearly ÂŁ100 million.

The unexpected losses were announced minutes before the stock market closed, as M r . Light was entertaining guests at his luxury

Page 10

apartment.

M r . Light started up the new company in order to 'meet the demands df a more sexually demanding public.'

But it looks as though the inventer of the successful multi-headed Gspot tickler faces a beating from boardroom officials unless drastic action is taken.

The Vice President of The Rubber Pleasure Toys Corporation, Ralph Notmyrealname, was unavailable for comment.

Listeners of IC radio were aghast on Tuesday afternoon as a live show went without the slightest hiccup.

Sadie Voxpop's regular two hour lunchtime slot made history on that sweltering day and the voluptuous vixen was rewarded with a bottle of semi- expensive Sainsbury's wine.

Sadie told Felix: 7 couldn't believe how well it went. All the knobs turned smoothly and

everything was beautifully timed. I hope I can repeat it next week.'

Jambridgeovertheriverquai Nicholas-Cage, IC Radio's dedicated Station Manager issued the following statement to Felix: 'After months of hard training, practise, and sweating it out in the control room, we have at last achieved the ambition of countless IC Radio presenters and Station Managers. The green shoots of talent are finally beginning to show.'

'eature Felix 971

23 June 1993

e

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s Fears were expressed by the Press PR and Marketing Office as soon as it was announced that Madonna is planning to visit Imperial College on the same day as the Queen later this year.

Daniel Outtolunch, Director O f Marketing told Felix that 'there is a serious danger of Her Majesty The Queen upstaging Madonna'.

Her Majesty has attained worldwide sex symbol status with her erotic videos and sensual singing. He

added 'the last thing IC needs is a nail fight on the Queen's Lawn at midday. One of them will have to cancel.'

When we asked the Rector who he would prefer to visit I C , he commented that 'although it would be nice to have Madonna visit IC, I'm afraid The Queen's popularity makes her the number one choice.'

Madonna was unavailable for comment and H M The Queen was too busy for an interview, allegedly shooting the video for her next single, 'Let's Rip Each Others Clothes Orf And Have Wild, Abandoned Sex.'

Rumours are flying around the Union office this week that one of the elected sabbaticals was actually telling the truth when questioned at the Hustings.

We cannot name the sabbatical involoved, but our in the know source told Felix: 'I over heard him when he was chatting to Chris Davidson one evening. He said something about keeping one of his promises that he outlined at the

Hustings in March. He sounded very determined.'

When questioned about the encounter, Chris denied any such rumour. 'AH sabbatical candidates lie at Hustings and throughout the campaign. It's tradition. If everyone told the truth, no one would get elected.'

Felix later bugged the elected sabbatical but he was very shrewed and revealed nothing. We will keep you posted.

o m

A was all it took for the fifty The Debating Society were seconds strong society to agree with the celebrating last night after statement. their debate 'This house The chairperson, Cecil Spodhack, told Felix: knew we believes that all followers should have chosen a topic that of Islam are megalomaniac would undoubtedly raise a debate. psychopaths' was ratifiedBut I am pleased with the time. as one of the quickest in Although if a representative from Islam had turned up, it would have recorded history. become the longest debate in Two minutes and thirty one

I•

recorded history!'

The achieved time beats the previous fastest two times, also held by the Debating Society. These were three minutes forty seconds for 'This house believes that the Rector's wife has a worthwhile existence' and three minutes forty two seconds for 'This house believes that the Sabbaticals are not worth the money that the are paid.'

.1

Imperial College's football team, known as The Dribblers, were in a state of total shock last night as Graham Taylor offered to coach them to victory next year.

The bid was announced on last nights News A t Ten. The captain of the musclebound team, Montigue Pigsbladder, commented on the unexpected proposition: speak: for all of us when I say that we wouldn 't have that useless cunt coaching our team if he promised to do all our laundry, lick our boots clean and buy us all a pint for every goal we scored.'

Graham Taylor was unavailable for comment.

Sill! llb^llllllll isilBli

a Revelations rocked the Union office last week as all three sabbaticals were unable to find jobs.

The chairman of the Debating Society formally begins another soiree. Who is that rude women in the bottom left who is looking in the other direction ? Some people have no manners what so ever.

The President, Deputy President and Hon Sec were reported to be 'flapping around like headless chickens' at the thought of signing on.

A n inside source revealed 'it's utter mayhem. A l l three sabbs are scouring the jobs sections of every publication known to man. Hardly any work is getting done.'

So what's new?

Page 11

'eature

Feature

23 June 1 993

Felix 971

Felix 971

pyrrhic conquest led to the shocking subversion of the Winter of Discontent, and their rightful humiliation at the hands of Baroness Thatcher and Lord Tebbit. They might yet learn their lesson.

'In Place of Strife' also exposed the craven cowardice of unionsponsored Cabinet ministers, all to a man in the pockets of the unions.

Almost a quarter of a century later, the Labour Party is still wrangling over the block vote, one member one vote, and union sponsorship of M P s . Neil Kinnock, Labour's second Attlee, came close to permanent reform. Would that John Smith had similar courage.

Castles in the Air Bodhran finds myth and fairytale behind the life and times of the political gingerbread woman Once upon a time, there was a princess and a frog. She kissed the frog, and he turned into a prince.

There was also a princess who, when cursed by some old harridan just in off the streets, fell asleep for a century. But further away in the deep mists of time, there is the whispered tale of the InBtlabuuranurrntnent, which resided in a house of Westminster, populated by Callaghanbears and Thatcherbears.

But before the Callaghanbears, there was Goldilocks. Goldilocks was not a Callaghanbear, as she had been expelled from the woodshed, but before this she had been very busy, spending her time on foreign travel, introducing the Breathalyser, hammering the IraoeuntmtB. and introducing child benefit.

Goldilocks can still be found there today, further up in the house of Westminster, living as the Baroness of the black-burned Castle. To fill out her time, she writes her own stories, tales of woe, j o y , happiness, anguish. She describes intrigue, rivalry, principle and pragmatism. A n d in her spare time, she also writes her diaries, and sometimes the odd political work. She is Barbara Castle, gingerbread girl of the Tribunites,

now poacher turned gamekeeper, the Baroness Castle of Blackburn.

Her latest offering is Fighting All the Way, a description of her political life. A n autobiography, but more of a ripping yarn than a political chronology, and not recommended for the 'dates and facts' brand of history currently in vogue with her ignoble colleague and old spar, the Lord Joseph. Oh, and the diaries are out again - in paperback.

She was not always a Baroness, of course. Before the faint murmur of the Attlee big bang, the then Barbara Betts was elected as a London councillor. She hid inside various internal Labour Party posts, and used some journalistic jobs to develop a fine writing style. Elected Mrs Barbara Casde, M P , she later became the first Overseas Development minister i n the cabinet, an innovative Transport Secretary, reforming Employment Secretary, and cmsading Health and Social Security Secretary. She was even a member of the European Parliament.

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2

But most prominently, she was a women, a feminine feminist. This rather glib summation may cause some muted outrage but there are some pointers to support this within the book. Her appearance in Harmsworth's Daily Mail of 1938, with a large photograph under the headline 'She bans flattery', showed she was not adverse to getting publicity from good old fashioned sex. The basis of this front page splash was her reprimand to Tory council leader Sir David Davies when he remarked, i n all innocence, that she was a charming young lady. Leave out the sex attraction, she snapped back. As a result, her council career at Holborn Borough Council is remembered more for this single act of

intimidation than for any great raft of social legislation. The broad brush of history can be selectively cruel.

Social legislation waited until the great Socialist innovations of the Attlee administration. These were mainly borne out of the 1942 Beveridge report, most of which was implemented by Attlee once he succeeded Churchill after the Second World War. From her post of Administrative Officer (Frank Cooper Marmalades) at the Ministry of Food, Barbara Betts moved via marriage to Ted to become Mrs Barbara Casde, M P for Blackburn, overturning a Conservative majority of 3,000 on a swing of 11,000 votes to Labour.

Thus began a 34 year association with the town, and a local party which told her they didn't like career women who used their maiden names.

Her card was marked by the 1945 Labour whips as an open rebel, who had no qualms in berating Prime Minister Attlee whenever she met him in the tea room. With Labour out of power for 13 years from 1951, Mrs Castle climbed the greasy pole inside Transport House, and travelled widely, to escape internal Labour warfare i f nothing else. A look at Cyprus to try and prevent partition, a trip to Kenya and Rhodesia to expose brutal police murder and government cover-up, a visit to China in the interests of detente. No surprises

when she is appointed the first Overseas Development minister in the Cabinet on the return of Labour to power in 1964. Slightly more surprise was expressed when she was moved to the Department of Transport, and became the first Transport Secretary to draw up a transport integration policy involving road, rail and sea. These swinging sixties saw new seat belt laws and the introduction of the breathalyser, both of w h i c h generated a stream of personal hate mail, along the lines of 'you've ballsed our darts matches up, so get

out you wicked old bitch, signed, 3 regulars.'

After Transport came the new Department of Employment of Productivity, to which she went reluctantly, and which certainly obliterated her chances of becoming Britain's first Prime Minister.

Never, in hindsight, was a bill more ironically named than 'In Place of Strife.' The whole sorry attempt to reform Britain's trade unions saw their brute force do battle with government and democracy, and the unions w i n n i n g . Their misplaced euphoria from this

Defeat at the hands of the unions was followed by defeat at the hands of the electorate, who were to punish Ted Heath with equal venom. The Whitehall swansong of Barbara Castle was smudged by, you'll never guess, the trade unions.

Child benefit was regarded as Mrs Castle's pet scheme. The delay to its introduction and the eventual reduction in the amount paid was due to Jim Callaghan's slavish approach to that old knackered T U C warhorse. Given his 'crisis, what crisis?' approach, he probably deserved to lose in 1979. Whether the country deserved the visitation of Thatcherism is another matter.

It was, according to Mrs Castle, 'the unnecessary defeat.' She was equally disappointed by the defeat of Neil Kinnock in 1992. One wonders if, at 83 this year, Barbara Castle will again see the return of that Tir nd nOg, the next Labour government.

• Fighting all the Way, by Barbara Castle, is published by H Macmillan, price £20 hardback.

Barbara Castle's Diaries have |§§ also been reissued in Papermac.

a hope or desire unlikely to be realised.

Page 13

Feature 23 June 1993

Felix 971

Death of a Supergun The Scott Inquiry into Exports to Iraq' threatens to unravel an alarming web of secrecy and deceit on an international scale. Mimi Chakraborty investigates the profits of war.

In the nineteenth century, Mary Shelley's gothic horror-story detailed how D r Frankenstein assembled a body from dismembered limbs which had been pilfered and stolen from wherever they could be found. The creature he created bore his name and brought destruction to anything which crossed its path. Though the doctor's interests had been only scientific, the monster he created was both terrible and tragic, and over it he had ultimately no control.

In January 1988 D r Gerald Bull - Canada's most brilliant gun scientist - and head of the Belgianbased Space Research Corporation was on a plane to Baghdad for a meeting with deputy defence minister Amer Saadi. The Iraqis had plans to develop the first civillian space program of any Arab state. As part of it they were willing to fund the research project which had been Bull's lifelong ambition.

the project which had been Gerald Bull's lifelong ambition Throughout the twenty years he had headed S R C he had searched for a backer for his planned 'Supergun'. He had been turned away by N A T O , the Pentagon, Canada, China, even Israel. Bull was a world famous ballistics expert who had spent many years working for the American authorities, but no-one had been willing to come up with the money. Until now.

Gerald Bull's gun was not a military gun in the sense that anyone would understand it to be, it was not useful for warfare being both massive and immobile. Its purpose was to deliver a payload over a great distance. The gun Bull planned to build would have the capacity to launch a satellite into space. And at a fraction of the cost of a conventional rocket launch. At the cutting edge of technology it would be the only gun of its kind.

For Sadaam Hussein it a project was of significant interest. In 1988 Iran was perceived by the West as the greater evil in the Iran-Iraq war.

As such the U S had seen fit to secretly pass on aerial photographs

Page 14

from spy satellites detailing Iranian weapons installations.

Sadaam had spent more than a decade trying to deliver Iraq from dependence on either or both superpowers. He had to that end invested billions of dollars to develop Iraq's weapon-building capability. He had access to substantial loans from American banks, and lines of credit with other countries.

The opportunity to develop his own satellite system would give him the power to launch spy satellite's of his own. When the war was over he aimed to be in a dominant: position over Iran, Syria and Israel, with a nuclear capability and a sophisticated military infrastructure. There was a very simple reason he knew he could succeed.

Europe's dependency on gulf oil fuelled the arms-for-oil love affair which began in earnest in 1975 when Sadaam visited French premier Jacques Chirac with a plan to buy himself out of Soviet obligation. France had walked the

tightrope between superpowers and was eager to help Iraq - for a price.

Within a few short months they had initialled a deal worth $3 billion.

France offered a which 'technology transfer' included two fast-breeder reactors (one to keep raniiing and another to test loads) and training for six hundred nuclear technicians. Iraq's nuclear programme was underway before the end of 1975 .

By 1980 shortly after Sadaam had assumed the presidency, Iraq's

the gun would launch a satellite into space arms purchases made staggering reading; 2000 tanks; 130 howitzers;800 artillery pieces; 1200 anti-aircraft guns,four frigates; six corvettes; 12 t-22 bombers, 159 M i G s , as many hunters; and the list went on and on.

The U S had kept an eye on this mounting arsenal, but only to the laconic extent of making sure their man in the Gulf - the Shah of Iran - was better supplied. When the

Shah was overthrown at the beginning of 1979 the Middle East balance appeared to have been upset. The Ayatollah was not minded to maintain even an uneasy peace and by September 1980 when the war broke out the American body politic executed an about turn and decided to support Sadaam.

Carter's presidency disappeared down the drain as a nation waited for its hostages to be returned.

Yellow ribbons adorned the trees and Christmas lights remained unlit.

The kidnapping of American hostages in Tehran enabled the government to turn its face away from the country it had so richly supplied.

By 1981 however, the Reagan administration, though officially adopting a hands-off policy toward the Iran-Iraq war, was in calmer mood since world o i l - prices appeared to remain stable. Privately many felt that the two countries presented less of a threat while fighting each other than ever they had during peace-time.

Thus the concept of

'eature

Felix 971 produced more evidence of Dutch, Belgian, and Swiss involvment the Samarra plant and Bonn was forced to change its export control laws.

They were never enforced.

Throughout the Iran-Iraq war, countries as disparate as China, France, the Soviet Union, the U S , the U K , and Italy had serviced Iraq's military needs. The threat of the Ayatollah's religious fanaticism de-stabilising Western influence in the Gulf persuaded Ronald Reagan that Sadaam was a more moderate force. Thus he approved 'Operation Sadaam invested billions into Iraq's weapons Staunch, ' a scheme to cut supplies to Iran while still supporting Iraq. building capability In 1984 the US restored full diplomatic relations with Baghdad even when evidence suggested that and authorised US loans guarantees those countries providing them to underwrite the purchase of were used as conduits to other billions of dollars of American destinations. grain and manufactured goods.

In 1985 Sir Geoffrey Howe set The Atlanta branch of Banco out the governments position in Nazionale Lavoro initially covered reply to a parliamentary question. an exposure of $12 million - only He stated that Her Majesty's two percent of $600 million loan government should 'not in future guaranteed by the US government approve orders for any defence . Extending grain credits in this way equipment which in our view would freed up millions of dollars which significantly enhance the capability went to feed Iraq's apparently of either side to prolong or insatiable war machine. exacerbate the conflict.'

This was only the first of a series If that was the British of cheap unsecured loans which governments line it wasn't being Christopher Drogoul, manager of taken up by anyone else.

B N L made available to Iraq, later International arms-markets were described by US prosecutors as 'one flooding Iran and Iraq with of the worlds least creditworthy equipment specifically designed to countries'. They were eventually prolong the conflict and exacerbate left with an exposure of some $4 the conflict indefinitely. Both the billion which was never repaid. superpowers armed both sides with equipment which would fuel the Elsewhere, cracks in Iraq's credit war for years to come. rating were developing into serious faultlines; by 1986 Iraq had reneged West Germany was openly on a $2.65 billion loan from Italian flouting its new regulations which 'balance'emerged - 'neither victor nor vanquished ' - neither side should win or lose - it became politic to sustain a stalemate.

Western governments banned the sale of arms to either side, but flagrantly circumvented their own rules wherever possible.

The use of third countries became for'many the modus operandi by which lucrative trade was sustained.

The production o f 'end-user' certificates appeared to be sufficient

piously stated that the Republic had no part to play in any deals. As early as September 1983 the Samarra poison gas factory in central Iraq went into production with engineers from two German companies on hand to supervise.

F r o m here mustard gas was produced and subsequently used by Iraqi troops to hideous effect upon wave upon wave of Iranians that December.

A report by the Reagan administration that year recorded that 'West Germans have provided technical assistance in field trials of a nerve agent'- a c h i l l i n g circumambulation of what amounted to genocide.

The Americans notified the Bonn parliament to no effect, their correspondence apparently 'mislaid'. By August 1984 they had complained again. Helmut Kohl maintained that the F D R was an 'export economy'and that reports showing German companies to be assisting chemical weapons plants were 'not specific'. The U S

23 June

1993

mWkmmWk

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an exposure of $4 billion which was never re-paid government contracts dating from 1981; Germany, France and Britain were all carrying unpaid debts; $5 billion worth of unpaid trade credits persuaded newly returned French premier Jacques Chirac that France was in no position to bail out of supporting Iraq. As long as Iraq was on the winning side however, her oil reserves meant that her creditors could sleep easy.

The Gulf states of Kuwait and Jordan both acted as weapons conduits brought by air and by sea through the Persian sea. Oil-rich Kuwait had few illusions about Sadaam's murderous ways, but was more alarmed by the Islamic revolution in Iran. It lent an estimated $15 billion to fund the war. Jordan, sandwiched between Iraq and Israel, hoped that favouring Iraq would be an opening to better trade relations.

In August 1989 when the Iran-

Iraq ceasefire was declared, Western leaders looked forward to cashing in on a substantial redevelopment package for both countries aswell as returns on their loans. They were to be sharply disabused. Sadaam gave no indication of de-mobilising his troops, much less repaying outstanding debts. Instead he began making beligerent noises towards Israel and his drive to lead the Arab world took on ominous tones.

Newly-elected President George Bush began to review Sadaam's domestic and foreign policies and

realised that the West had been instrumental in creating a monster it would be unable to contain.

Almost overnight Washington became involved in a rearguard

greed and expedience action directed at limiting Sadaam and even encouraging those who would topple him. Once again, greed and expedience had been the driving forces in the plan to promote 'Western interests'.

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'eature 23 June

1993

Israel swiftly decided that of its many enemies in the Gulf, Iraq had become the most dangerous.

Mossad, Israel's ruthlessly efficient intelligence service, had detennined by the end of 1988 that Baghdad was making serious progress toward a successful nuclear weapons program, aswell as having large quantities of poison gas and possibly biological weapons.

What Iraq didn't have was a large, reliable, accurate program at the top of their list.

By the time Gerald Bull had signed a contract to produce a 1000mm supergun and a 350mm

Felix

n y m a y be to

Leading British firms flouted Iran arms ban

plot

I ~

Ministry knew oi Iran arms deal that broke embargo .

, ' w e r e

f o r

m i l i t a r y

affair has parallels with US Jraqgate scandal contrary, anyone who chose to, would see Babylon as a weapon capable of snooting nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons halfway around the planet.

B u l l argued that this was ridiculous, that Project Babylon could not possibly be seriously seen as a military gun with any long term potential.

For a start, on first firing it would launch a two tonne payload into space and the detonation would be picked up by seismographs all over the world. It would shoot a ninety metre flame at every firing which would be picked up by any spy satellite around.

Anchored to a mountainside it would be a sitting target, exposed and defenceless. Within seconds of any launch its coordinates would be known to every sophisticated military force in the world.

For Babylon to be used as a military gun would be the quickest

'DTI did not require drawings to be sent'

Gerald Bull.

Page 16

nuclear

Motion seeks mqutry into Mark Thatcher I

He felt he was being deliberately scared off prototype, in July 1988, he had already made some very dangerous enemies.

Space Research Corporation was based in Brussels and had a reputation as one of the most scientifically analytic R & D establishments in the world, when it came to big guns.

Gerald Bull had run the company for twenty years. His two sons both Stephen and M i c h e l , engineers, ran the financial side.After discussing the Iraqi project, both tried to talk their father into pulling out.

No matter what Bull said about the project,they argued, no matter how much he explained it was a satellite launcher only, enemies of Iraq, particularly Iran and Israel, would not believe him. They would declare it was a weapon of fearsome potential, which would upset the balance of Middle Eastern power.

Despite protestations to the

971

way to get it destroyed. The only reason to keep the project secret, Gerald Bull said, was to protect it from those who felt Iraq should not have access to its own satellite system.

Once it was ready for full testing he would make public the launch program and invite scientists from around the world to the first tests.

This would be B a b y l o n ' s insurance policy, after which any attempt to destroy it by Israel or Iran would be seen as an international act of aggression. Bull was confident that he could prove his gun had no military purpose.

Stephen and M i c h e l were

1

p u r p o s e s ' V

V

unconvinced, saying that the project could never be kept a secret and the rumours and secrecy would destroy SRC's reputation. They fought bitterly. Eventually he decided he would undertake the work alone, outside his work with S R C .

Within days he had set up another company - Advanced Technologies Institute - and moved his offices downtown. From S R C he took Christopher Cowley, a fifty-year old metallurgist from Bristol who was to be Babylon's project manager.

Together they set about producing the detailed drawings and specifications for the barrel and breech parts which would form the main part of the launching system.

It was a project of staggering proportions. The barrel was to be 156m long - three times the height of Nelson's column. With the full breech and recoil mechanism fitted it would be close on 200m - twice the length of Wembley stadium.

It would be anchored to a sloping hillside. The recoil velocity of 12.5 km per hour would have to be stopped in a space of less than 3m or it would crash through the mountain barrier ripping itself out of its anchoring castings.

Iraq had nothing like the facilities in place to produce parts for a gun of this size. It would have to be made to specifications in factories

Felix 971 and forgeries all over Europe.

During the mid-eighties Sadaam Hussein had invested in the procurement of British firms involved in sophisticated military technology. One such firm was the Technology Development Group a holding company with offices in London.

Under its new Iraqi owners it proceeded within weeks to launch a successful bid for M a t r i x

'eature 23 June

1993

chose not to explain. Unfortunately it had been filmed by a local T V THE TRADE AND INDUSTRY COMMITTEE 199 station. A similar incident occurred outside Manchester, when a huge Iraqi Military jet, specially repainted, arrived to pick up components manufactured by Walter Somers. This incident was photographed by a plane-spotter.

S - 6 0 0 E T LAUNCHING 5 Y S T E M Gerald Bull was scared.

In May 1989 Christopher Cowley had left S R C and in passing Bull had mentioned to Saadi that Cowley ... offered to kill someone might talk to the press. The Iraqi who became a problem offered to have him killed, i f he tried to talk.

C h u r c h i l l , a Coventry-based In all the time Bull had worked manufacturer of high-technology in the gun trade nobody had ever lathes. offered to kill someone i f they BUTW CTL.IKEK became 'a problem'. He began to Two other firms - Sheffield "com. cn.trcen try and extricate himself from the Forgemasters and Walter Somers were contracted to produce the huge Iraqi project. There were still substantial obstacles to overcome. tubes which would form the gunbarrels of Babylon and the smaller On March 15 1990 the Iraqi's prototype 'Baby Babylon'. hanged Farzard Bazoft, a freelance Both firms were told that they journalist for the Observer. Earlier were manufacturing parts for a that month Jonathan Moyle, a petrochemical plant, but became freelance journalist investigating the suspicious that they were making defence contracts between Marconi SIDE ELEVATION parts of some kind of launching underwater systems and a Chilean mechanism. The Nimonic and arms dealer Carlos Cardoen, was Iconel alloys used to coat the found hanging in a hotel room in internal tubes were inconsistent Santiago. with any petrochemical use.

On November 7th 1992, in Twice they questioned the London, four executives from Department of Trade and Industry Matrix Churchill were cleared of to see whether an export licence the charge that they had illegally was required, they were told that no exported military equipment. The licence would be required, and that Old Bailey trial had spectacularly despite offers, the D T I ' D i d not collapsed after a Minister of the require drawings or faxes to be Crown admitted that the PLAN VIEW sent'. S t i l l unsatisfied they Government had known and contacted local M P Sir Hal Miller, encouraged the export of armswho agreed to make other related technology even though it The Trade and Industry inquiry into 'Supergun' failed to connect representations with the DTI,the was an illegal practice. ministers directly to machine-tools exports. At the Matrix Churchill M o D and the intelligence services, After the trial, hundreds of trial it was revealed that the committee had been denied relevant he too was told there was no cause confidential documents which were documents for concern. Later the DTI were to never meant to see the light of day say they had no record of any were released, 'secret' and 'top- inflict on people they were elected court, of a single report which enquiries. secret' documents which revealed to protect. would show that such was the the extent to which the Government

By July 1989 the project was It was a verdict that Gerald Bull rapacity of the British Government were fully aware of the contracts at moving at breakneck speed, but would never live to see. that on the 19th July 1990 the most M a t r i x C h u r c h i l l , at Walter Gerald Bull was worried. For a senior government ministers met to Five shots fired from about a while he had been aware that his Somers, Sheffield Forgemasters, metre away, from a 7.65mm pistol, Hundreds of confidential and many, many, others. movements were being monitored, probably not more than a second and his apartment in Brussels had That they had been willing to apart,the first striking the base of documents been tampered with. allow innocent men go to jail, men the skull the second through the approve the exports of dual-use He had worked in the arms who had risked their lives to help upper neck,two through the spine military technology to Iraq. A n d business for years, but for the first them. That ministers had both acted and the last through the head. some fourteen days later when Iraq time felt he was being deliberately Gerald Bull's murder on March invaded Kuwait, engage in a war in Government had known scared-off. He began to carry all the 28th 1989 inside his apartment which British soldiers were killed.

Babylon designs and files on his and encouraged block in Brussels, brought to a The murderer of Gerald Bull was person, terrified they might be crashing end the supergun project never caught, the police in Brussels stolen. illegally and tried to conceal their he had spent a lifetime trying to said it was 'Political'.

Back in England, the huge deceit by signing 'Public interest achieve. His, ultimately had been Stephen Bull was later tipped-off sections were being shipped-out, immunity certificates' which would the pursuit of glory. Not money, not that his father had been killed by prevent these documents from ever power, not even fame. but their size presented problems.

Mossad agents. He was told also A n Antonov AN-124(CONDOR) - coming into court.

Some twenty days later, British that he could not have been killed one of the biggest planes in the That Government had actively Customs and Excise seized eight world, only flown once before at conspired in arming the death- sections of the now-redundant without the tacit permission of the CIA, as his father had been an the Paris A i r show, was hired from machines of Iran and Iraq.

Project Babylon gun-barrel in huge American citizen. the Russian Government. It flew That the causes of justice had cases on the dockside at Teesport.

Neither the Americans or the from Moscow over N A T O airspace been sacrificed for an export- drive The seizure would set in motion to Spain, where the government that failed even to consider the a slow train of events eventually Canadians have investigated Gerald denied its presence, for reasons they terrrible consequences it might culminating in the production, in Bull's death.

4 December 1992]

[Continued

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Feature 23 June 1993

Felix 971

r Down here at Base Camp, as I like to call it, I tend to notice the odd unhappy, nay dejected, characters dotted here and there, and, make no mistake, they are odd. But seriously, dear reader, it's painful to witness, hence the necessity of this column. In just a few hours since we opened the 'Dear Donny' Torment and Anguish Page, we've had literally several letters, and some of them could almost be from real people with real names! And, cherubs, let us not forget that I am here to dispense helpful and constructive advice to those more self-centred, sorry! sensitive, kittenshits out there. Loves, don't suffer, our thoughts are with you, etc...

Dear Donny, I really fancy this guy on my course called Mat. He knows I'd love to jump him, but he thinks I'm an ugly trog. Does this mean I'm bisexual? sincerely, Gareth Not necessarily, Gareth love, if I can take your last point first. Far from meaning that you could be bisexual, it might point to your being an out and out faggot of the most queer kind. Whereas 'bi's' give as well as take up the shifter, you seem to be on the receiving end in no uncertain terms, and I would posit the suggestion that you are a fudgepacking gay homo bastard; you people beggar belief, you really do! And I suppose you expect me to sleep with you tonight, too.

Page 18

Dear Donny, I flirt with engaged muslim girls direcdy in front of their fiancees and all of their asian styled laddish chums in an effort to get my friends into fights and start a race war between Islam and the agnostic existentialists. Does this mean I'm bisexual? sincerely Michael 'Ralph' Wright Bio 1 (generally quite near the back in a red jacket) No, Ralph, it doesn't.

Dear Donny, I like sticking naked mole rats up my arse, because when they die, they vibrate ever so sensuously, giving me hours of anal stimulation that is simply divine! W i l l this exclude me from membership of the R S P C A , or what? sincerely, Ted I'm afraid it will, Ted my love.

However, I think we can reach a happy compromise, because Gareth, who is a first year biologist, keeps a rattlesnake for the same purpose, and similarly lauds its vibratory talents. There is, of course, a danger attached to rattlesnakes so I think you should be very careful when inserting dangerous reptiles up your tradesman's entrance.

Dear Jim, Please could you fix it for me to be a top catwalk supermodel for the day, like Claudia Schiffer or Cindy Crawford? I've always dreamed of modelling, and my dad says that I've got nice tits for a fat bloke, so please, please, please! Can I? Or what? sincerely, Phenyl Ketsnura (aged 10) Hey, look kid, I never promised anything, did I? Here's a fiver.

Go and buy some lollies, and don't tell anyone. Go on, quick.

Before you're seen.

Dear Donny, I'm certain that my cell biology tutor fancies me, but all I can think of is the Mighty Atom out of the famous dance troupe 'The RolyPolys'. Do I kill her, conceal the body in a huge vat of Hellman's 'real' Mayonnaise, and wait for the maggoty shags, or force-feed her so that her liver expands to an unnatural size before trying to con Sainsbury's into buying her as Pate de foie gras, or what? sincerely, Crispian Dear Donny, If I might suggest, The answers to last week's Quiz you're bisexual, aren't you? questions are: a) y o u pull it b) on the undercarriage c) making sure to expel all the air d) only in the springtime Well, I tried all of them, and they don't bloody work! Does this mean I'm bisexual? sincerely, Package Not necessarily, but it could mean that you are a seriously dull person, who needs to get a good dose of lard down your neck.

Dear Donny, M y chum and I are in a bit of a quandary, perhaps you could help?

Who's better, Slash or Brian May? On the other hand, are they both long-haired guitar wankers, or what? sincerely, Disque Verte I'd plump for Johnny Marr, myself...

Feature Felix 971

23 June

1993

Providing comfort to the oppressed of the world, our very own heartache surgeon, Donny O'Nonchalant, takes up the pen for you...

Dear Donny, I really fancy one of my music reviewers. Yes, perhaps he's dyed his hair (Shiver me timbers! Gareth, you old tart! - sic. Ed) and suffers from myopia and acne, and alright, so he likes Morrissey and (Koochie, Koochie Ryder, you 're my Koochie Ryder - sic. Ed) obscure 20's banjo acts and, sure, he's into all that 'Gravity Sucks' thing, but even though I write subtle come-ons all over his reviews (What? Like 'Bronski Beat Haircut'? - sic. Ed) he still insists on celibacy.

Does this mean I'm bisexual? (Did I ever say I wasn't? - sic. Ed) sincerely Spoons P.S. Could you print a piccy of P J Harvey just for me?

Now, young man, I don't believe you are really both a lad-loving buggerer and girl-fancier extraordinaire; own up. Come out of the closet, stop legitimizing the notion that Brett (of Suede) has made sexual ambiguity fashionable, and admit yourself to the world. I'm sure you'll feel better for it. The music desk won't release a pic of PJ, I'm afraid; will Tilda Swinton do instead? (Zarathustra! - sic. Ed)

Tilda Swinton in 'Orlando'; happy now, Mr Spoons?

Dear Donny, I'm having trouble deciding what to have for lunch. Should I have pasta, soup, sausages, or what? sincerely, Neil Well, Neil, as my good friend Paddy MacAloon of Prefab Sprout fame might say, 'sweet words, like candy, rots teeth', so don't eat chocolate, or, indeed, candy! I hope I've been helpful to you, Neil love, and that you won't fret long over this nutrition intake indecisiveness. However, down our way, 'pasta' is rhyming slang for 'fat basta', so take care not to become a lardarse!

Dear Donny, I have sex with both women and men, sometimes separately.

Does this mean I'm bisexual? sincerely, Susan You taking the piss?

Dear Donny, I'm desperately in need of help, Donny. I think I'm losing my marbles. I blithely go around accusing all and sundry of having no life, and needing to get one badly, when I myself packaged my own up with brown paper and string and sold it off to the British Army for the Queen's Shilling; I mean, what more evidence do you need?

Aside from having glaring prejudices against the followers of certain bands and musical genres while I am a closet musical retard, I'm also something of a hypocrite over accusing people of laddish behaviour whenvl'm as guilty as anyone else. Moreover, I think the music editor - who's the only real friend I've got - is actually beginning to hate me. A m I just a pusillanimous Creep, or what?

Dear Donny, I like to tliink of myself as a popular 'with-it' kind of guy. The problem is, my beard has come in for some stick from my 'with-it' mates. They seem to think it's a style thing, and that I'm growing one just because I can and they can't, but I say that it's just 'cause I'm cool and easy going. But the truth is, I've only done it to pull the blaart down the Jazz Cafe. sincerely, Dougie L ' A m o u r (The Love Disciple) P.S. Is Graham Taylor a sack of cold shit, or what?

You think that's bad; all my mates reckon I'm just a tart.

Y'know, you should try walking in the other bloke's shoes sometime; you might find out what a pain high heels can be.

sincerely, Glyph My, you really do have some monsters under your bed, don't you? Neuroses aside, you should try talking to people a bit more, before condemning them out of hand; a style fascist is still a fascist, and no less unpleasant.

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Feature 23 June 1993

Felix

971

What do I say anyway?

Choose your words carefully as Jonty Beavan goes in search of science's most underrated virtue If someone asked what you study at Imperial College, could you tell them? Could you explain and enthuse to them if they wanted to know more? Or would you get stuck if you went beyond the title of your degree?

If you think you would have difficulty explaining the concepts which you have spent up to three years studying, you are hardly alone. But, disturbingly, many employers are also aware of this problems. And this brings its own problems, because i f it came to the crunch between a graduate who knew how to explain his or her discipline, and an intellectually superior but less vocal candidate, the loud mouth always gets the job.

The pressure to get graduates of eloquence is due to the fact that jobs in industry mean communicating with a l l sorts of people.

Administrators, fund donators and technical workers will want to know what they are getting involved i n , without having to take their own degree course. In response to this, Imperial College has set up its own Science Communications department which runs two courses.

One for Undergraduates as part of the humanities program and an MSc course which trains science students for one year in the art of the media.

The course came as result of Sir Eric A s h , Rector of Imperial College, and his involvement on the B B C Review Panel for Science. Sir Eric noticed that very little of the science output on television was being produced by scientists. He believed that the only way to improve this situation was to train scientists in the ways of the media.

Thus was born the M S c course which takes science graduates and thrusts them through the Media mangle.

The students who take the M S c course are already competent communicators, according to Ross Herman, director of the programme. 'Some people will never be able to communicate, it is best to leave them alone,' she said.

When Students take the course, the main difficulty they face is how to structure their arguments and

Lost for words? analysis their work. Students who have been force fed with the 'right answers' have problems analysing their own work. Another problem is the concept of aiming a piece of writing at a specific audience.

Hooking a reader in and regulating the flow of information that the reader receives is quite a change from writing reports where the bare facts are the only requirement.

Dealing with undergraduates is very similar, according to Jane Gregory, who runs the Humanities option. Apart from E n g l i s h mistakes and unfamiliarity with structuring an argument of a page, the difficulties stem mainly from an unfamiliarity with expressing opinions. The option of choosing a different leyel of language to suit your audiehce is another almost alien concept.

The MSc course trains people to work as journalists, giving them experience in putting scientific information across in radio, television and print. Ross Herman strongly defends this approach by drawing clear parallels with journalists and scientists. Scientist and journalists have to investigate

deep questions, be thorough, evaluate ideas and research a wide range of sources. Arts students tend to be concerned with form and 'flashiness', and don't do the ground work. She cites the example of the Sunday Times Insight team and their groundbreaking investigative work on the effects of the drug Thalidomide. The research they did had a very scientific approach, she says.

Even so, students wishing to take the course don't just want to get journalism training. M s Herman points out that many science students are not interested solely in their degree. After qualifying they look to 'fill out' their education, and Science Communication M S c is often a target for this. A recent letter from Chemistry Professor Peter Maitlis, of the University of Sheffield, to the Times Higher Educational Supplement hints a common thread with this:

But what about life at the hard end? The stalwarts of Imperial College Press Office have to deal with scientists every day of every week, often at unsocial hours. What problems do they think scientists have with dealing with the media?

The answer is none, all they do is try and guide the media to experts and vice versa. They do run conferences every three months or so on how to deal with media. Other than that, they try and guide a scientist to promote his or her affairs into an appropriate niche.

As the media becomes more and more part of our lives, and the public understanding of science more important, it is clear that the promotion of science will inevitably become an issue. Due to the high level of knowledge requireed to enter into the study, aware media sensitive scientist are going to be in very high demand. Particularly as Ross Herman pointed out to me: "There is a very large group of This country does not need any students for whom we do not cater. more scientists as it doesn't have the They have come to study Chemistry jobs for those it has got. It needs because they... enjoy it, but without people who have a science intending to make it their life's education and can use it. work.'

Feature Felix 971

23 June

1993

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Feature 23 June 1993

Felix 971

Jazz and Rock Andrew Rooker tells the world what the budding musicians at Imperial have been up to this year.

It is as impossible to traverse this grey but pleasant garden of learning without seeing posters as it is to find your way around the Huxley building with your eyes shut. Or open. Particularly hard to miss this term have been the scruffy handdrawn efforts that have publicised the fornightly Jazz & Rock gigs.

That the Ents lounge hasn't been stuffed with people every other Wednesday must therefore be owing to some other reason. Like everyone connected with this concrete vegetable allotment has so much work to do that they usually don't have time, of course. When they do, it's time for ' 'the bands are bound to be shit so I'm staying away." Clearly they once had the misfortune to find themselves lurking near the Jazz & Rock practice room on a weekday evening.

Lets assume for the rest of this article that all Jazz & Rock bands are shit. No difficulty there. Well doesn't anybody mind? Has nobody any objection to this exhibition of artistic sewage? Would they not prefer the Ents programme to be that is staging something watchable? Huh? Why no, you say, and it's not surprising with the level of stu...I can't say it. The phrase "student apathy" makes me wince.

One of these days I shall be reading one of the many excuses for the lack of imaginative promotion of events, or for whatever else the expression finds itself accountable, and there'll be a gust of cold air and I'll stay like it.

A l l the same, need I worry if it looks like there isn't going to be a hazardously large number of people at the next gig? If it worries the bands, they just ring up their friends and say "Hey, we got a gig!" Their friends go and watch and say "Hey, that was fucking good, man!"

Satisfied that they're O K , the band sit on their collective arse, so long as they haven't just disappeared up it. And O K they are, so long as there's no-one there to tell them otherwise. If the bands are shit, ladies and gentlemen, it is because they are under no pressure to be anything else.

Further to our earlier assumption,

Page 22

let us draw a brief comparison with another, illustrious music society.

Members of IC Choir are wasting their time if they can't sing or read music. The sound of IC Choir (when I'm not sitting in the Tenor section) diffusing through the Mech Eng corridors can be delightful and enchanting. Members of the Jazz & R o c k club have paid the subscription and will piss around in the practice room as long as we like, thanks. When the noise from the J & R room finds its way into Biology before 5.30pm or Beit hall after 9.30pm, there's trouble, aswell as hints like "try playing better music" and "they range from mediocre to absolute rubbish.

Complaints came to a head last year, and the room was closed during the daytime and at weekends. Everyone in the Jazz & Rock club with ideas was wondering how to keep the noise down from the meat-head drummer. We still are, come to think of it.

A l l this isn't to say that nobody can play their instruments, but playing music in a group is another matter. It is of little wonder that people have no incentive to improve if all they do is play their friends.

Hopefully a solution is now becoming obvious, in the shape of two hundred watching them with difficulty through twisted faces and shouting "that's a lot of B O L L O C K S " so heavily you can smell their breath in Hammersmith.

A l l of a sudden, shite bands are eliminated from IC, because some people in the bar opposite can be bothered to leave their chairs for ten minutes and make it well known that they do not like what passes for entertainment in their Union.

There is one more gig this term, and it's tonight at 8.00pm outside in the Beit quad (with abundant thanks to Beit hall). There will be two bands playing acoustic guitarbased music. Y o u don't have to dance and you don't have to pay anything to see them. Quite right, because they're both a load of festering turd, as we all know. So why don't you go and say it to their faces and then they won't want to play again in such a hurry. The

procedure, once again: 1) Appear at Beit quad with a beer each at 8.00pm tonight.

2 Drink and watch the band.

3) If either one is no good, shout "you're no good!" with whichever words you feel comfortable.

4) Otherwise drink and enjoy the

music, and thanks for coming.

Thanks for reading. Thanks also to everyone who came to or played or helped at the gigs this year.

Different sets of people in that last sentence, ya basstuds.

Andrew Booker (EE2), Jazz & Rock chairman.

Clare Bailey

Jan Babst

Alex Allen

Clare Simmons

Andy Booker

are

To be confused safely with

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Not to be confused while dressed only in underwear with one of the decorative

Well which do you think?

You've no idea. Ask Elena or Ian or Kirk.

Or find out somewhere under a tree in the Beit quad where they'll be playing followed by the people at the top of the page at © o i i o D O D D

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Taste the delightfully sweetfruitof Acoustic Music.

Clean your teeth before you go. Anywhere.

Ahhh...the aromatic Bread of Paradise.

Man cannot Live on Toast alone.

Especially not on Wednesday 23rd June.

Mmm...the full-bodied whine.

This turnip is damned heavy.

Shit Mummy, (unravel all those bandages and) look at that cod-piece in the fish tank.

A copious advancement of Thanks to Beit Hall for obvious reasons.

Presented through a fissure in the continuous irrelevance of IC Jazz & fJJpck and its finite stupidity.

Candlestick-shaped advertisements are a by-product of Andy's

Jazz & !%)ck Poster Factory, out-going calls only.

Feature 23 June 1993

Why is bum fluff always blue?

I often where green, red and even tartan under garments but my clagg nuts are always covered in a blue fur.

In human sweat an acid is secreted on which the natural bacteria of the skin feed. These in turn excrement a blue dye which colours the fibre from our clothes.

If white reflects heat and black absorbs it why do coloured people live at the equator and pinkos like me live where it is cold?

In the visual spectrum, white people reflect radiation but black people absorb. However, light of the visual spectrum carries very little energy when compared to other regions like the ultraviolet. At these frequencies coloured people are better reflectors than white people.

While walking around South Kensington I could not help but notice a lot of Arabic women.

Why is it that the young, attractive variety dress like the indigenous English population but the, shall we say, rotund ladies cover themselves up completely?

The professor doesn't know the answer to this one but he feels sure that anybody from the Islamic Society would be more than pleased to answer your question. In person.

The Union Jack is made up of the Cross of St. George, the Scottish Cross and the Irish Cross, so where's the taffy flag?

Hmmm. Well first, the flag of Great Britain is not called the Union Jack unless it is being flown from the mast o f a ship; ojherwise it is called the Union Flag. I don't know why there is no Welsh flag. Maybe it's because a fire breathing Red Dragon would seem out of place slap bang in the middle, but I'm far from sure. Anybody else know?

Instead of gravitating to antiEnglish talk, why is it that if you put two Irishman together they start arguing passionately amongst themselves?

I tried putting this question to our own Messers O ' G o v i e r and O'Curry but they had punched each other silly before I could get an answer. Sorry.

Can you drink your own piss?

Have you ever tried Stella Artois?

But seriously, it depends how good your aim is.

Why do men have nipples? Why are they slightly eregenous?

To be frank, I haven't got a clue but it has been suggested that it is because we are so genetically like our female counterparts, due to the wonders of evolution, that we too have (albeit underdeveloped)

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Felix 971

mamary glands. Anyway, we would look silly without them, wouldn't we?

Why has sick always got carrots in it even if you haven't eaten carrots since childhood?

Carrots are so yucky that I wouldn't be surprised if they hang around in the lower bowel until adulthood for those inevitable, wretching occaissions. But this is not the answer. In fact, those little lumps of carrot look alike are actually bits from the lining of the stomach. Personally, I prefere my own lower-bowel theory simply on the grounds of better taste.

Why do pubic hairs not keep on growing ad infintitum until we're tripping over them?

Upon reaching a certain length pubic hairs drop out due to hormonal activity in the folicles.

This explains their ubiquitous nature. However, don't ask me how they manage to appear in the most socially embarrassing places like in the middle of a novel, a soup dish etc rather than just on the floor.

Why do you have a face full of zits, coldsores, razor rash etc when you meet a good looking girl?

Probably because one meets good looking girls in social areas such as discos, pubs and so forth where one knows one is likely to meet them.

This may produce a certain amount of unconscience anxiety which, in turn, may trigger a nevous reaction in the skin.

Why do women from the Salvation Army always have large breasts?

M y personal theory is that this phenomena occurs because they pad themselves out, or by virtue of a property of the uniform which accentuates the breasts. The reason for this is obvious: they wish to create a maternal, caring air with which to comfort and calm those trusted to their care.

Why are all student residences painted a kind of magnolia colour?

A h , a simple question. Try throwing anything at such a wall which is likey to come into contact with it in everyday life (sick, beer, curry etc) and you'll find that the messy mark is hardly noticeable; sometimes it even adds to the overall impression of homeliness.

Why are flares always trying to make a comeback? How did they almost do it in 1990?

There will always be the few who believe implicitly and unquestioningly in the adman who is only trying to start another trend to make money. Steer clear of anybody who has ever worn them and was born after 1970 because these people are singularly gullible and totally lacking in personality.

Why, after four election victories and nothing to show for it except a financial debt comparable to that of Brazil, do people still vote Tory when tax cuts are dangled in front of their noses?

God only knows.

Do the Germans have a sense of humour?

No. Recently, German television stations have tried to tempt American and English comedy script writers over because their own attempts at humour have proved so dire. The subsequent attempts have failed because what all parties forgot was that all jokes in the English speaking world revolve almost entirely around our Aryan neighbours.

Where does the 501 come from on Levi Jeans?

Levi Strauss, a Jewish American immagrant from Germany, arrived in the country with only 501 Marks with which he bought a trouser manufacturers. As we all know, from this sprang his mighty Jeans empire. In honour of this achievement the company called a range of jeans the 501 jeans exactly fifty years after his death.

Where does the Star Trek Vulcan salute come from.

The gesture is actually a secret Jewish blessing. When recieving it one is supposed to bow ones head.

Leornard Nimoy cheekily looked up and saw his Rabbi administer it and later used it in a film which was seen by millions. What a bastard, eh?

Why do some people keep perfume in the fridge?

Sorry, I've had my three guesses and I still don't know.

eature

Felix 971

23 June

1993

Hugs galore, Jonty petal?

Declan Curry and David Spooner come over all socratic (!) in the form of a platonic dialogue about... the philosopher ruler? naah, it's Jonty ...

Declan: It's that time of year again...

David: That Australian pig has just called Oscar Wilde 'the fat Irish Gay with the green l i l y ' , the bastard.

Declan: Oink, never mind about that, what are we going to write?

David: The usual bullshit... great editor, blah blah blah... colourful personality... immense fun... lots of coffee... sexually intriguing... lots of yogurt and no smoking...

Declan: Your talent is wasted. Why don't you write confessions for the West Midland Serious Crime Squad?

David: Well, I'm kind of keen to avoid accidents of the fallingdown-the- stairs variety, but seriously...

Declan: Accidents?

David: Stanhope. Trying to do too much, too early, and following Ian Hislop's golden rule, 'To be at the cutting edge, one must first be sued'.

Declan: Unless, of course, you apologise in the nick of time.

Stanhope can be best, shall we say, avoided. This wasn't the only legal threat to us, though. Some jumped up jobsworth at Birkbeck wielded the writ whilst not having a leg to stand on. Crashed rather painfully, as one would in that posture...

David: Throwing artistic poses?

And with so many excess pounds, too...

Declan: Methought the problem was too few pounds, eleven thousand of them, to be exact.

David: Alright, but we're getting away from the point.

Declan: And what was the point?

To emulate Preston's rag?

David: Well, Felix has tended towards Guardianesque occasionally lapsing into tabloid, the odd change in house style, some of the features could have been punchier, the music pages less er, unconventional, shall we say...

Declan: Sorry, I've lost my place in the script. Do go on, I ' l l fire a jingle ... Feel the music ... Feel th(squelch). David: He worried unnecessarily over his own writing ability, which for the most part has

been fine, and for the final term has been excellent. He's had an occasional tendency to rub people up the wrong way.

Declan: As will be seen by this choice extract

Jonty produces a Fetix each week during term time. This still comes as a surprise to some of us. His technical competence was initially very poor, but he did learn quickly and within months it stopped being a handicap. His organisational competence has never realty improved during the year, neither has ability to deal with people. Throughout the year adverts have gone missing and photographs have disappeared, but yet each week a Felix is produced - amazing! So what has Jonty done for Felix? (What did he do?) He has managed to bring more people into the office to produce a wider range of material than we have seen in recent years. The news has been interesting to read, even if its content has been occasionally less than relevant. The Reviews and Features, the vast majority of the magazine, have been varied in content and quality. This breadth of material has not been tempered with any serious editing. Pieces may be selected for quality or content, but not rejected because of a lack of it. This is because size is everything for a Felix editor - to keep the magazine as large as possible for as long as possible. He never adopted a totally subservient line to the Union, but then there was never a real need to. Instead an uneasy alliance seemed to develop between the four sabbaticals. There was never any questioning of their actions, nor any demand for them to be called to account. A conspiracy of silence on each others mistakes or just good friends. Maybe this was a good thing. But was it rising above the petty union politics, or failing to ensure that the elected representatives of Imperial College Union did their jobs? (Surely this is the job of I C U Councillors?) And last, but not least to Jonty's ego. This is not a small ego, but a BIG ego. Whether it comes with any sabbatical post or not is hard to tell, but other people seem to have come to terms with it. His ego has caused several big problems around the office. One of the largest is his response to criticism. It is dealt with in two ways: it is either dismissed as being irrelevant or taken very personally. One thing no-one will ever accuse Jonty of is lack of work. He has put more hours in this year than probably two Union Office sabbaticals put together. However all this effort does not seem to be converted into any results, which is a real pity, because if half of his effort had produced results then Felix would have been brilliant. Enough of this hero (sic) worship.

It was an interesting year and I hope you have more fun in your next newspaper office.

Declan: Here's looking to next year, David: I think we should return to the matter in hand, don't you? I mean, uneven shoulders aside, I've really enjoyed working on this year's Felix, and think that ...

Declan: that you are a sycophantic shit?

David: Fuck off, shorty. That's

beyond qualification Declan: Beyond good sense.

David: Well, I've had fun, even i f you haven't, you miserable Irish git. Declan: Fun, fun, fun, 'till the D F E takes my student grant away...

David: A n d there's been an unparalleled sense of teamwork over the past few weeks.

Declan: W H E R E ?

David: In the H U B office. They're getting on like a house on fire over there, now they're getting rid of Claire.

Declan: Dum, dum, dum, die, die, as Paul McCartney would croon...

David: Yeah, it's been like Garden Halls over there lately Declan: 'Koo, what a scorcher' has been the rage this year?

David: Headline writing, as you know, can be a choatic experience Declan: Where do you want to be

hit, oh inept proof reader?

David: Had nowt to do with me, sunshine, I was on holiday at the time.

Declan: Good political excuse, that.

How's Northern Cyprus this time of year? Get to the point sometime....

David: I have been. You've been dragging it away from the point. A t least the bloody thing got read this year, thanks to Cat's Eyes, Beit Back, the quality news ...

Declan: Sycop....

David: Call me what you like, mr shitty stick Declan: M y , what a flourish. Go on, say goodbye Jonty.

David: Goodbye, Jonty; I'm sorry this has been slightly less than coherent, but you should be used to that by now.

Declan: Indeed.

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Photo from left to right. Back Row: Jonty Beavan, Andy Thompson, Andrew Tseng, Rose Atkins, Phil Henry, Dom Wilkinson, Andy Kerr, Alistair, Steve Newhouse, Simon Govier Front Row: Patrick Wood, Mike Chamberlain, David Spooner, Declan Curry, Jon Jordan, Ian Hodge, Joe Baguely, Phil Dodd.

Here is the list of people who helped in Felix over the year, It is organised alphabetically well..nearly, Thanks to you all: Sara Abdulla, many thanks are owed for the wonderful theatre coverage Sara gave Felix over the first two terms, even more miraculous was the disappearing act she did in the last one. Sarcasm aside, I owe Sara a great deal, Don Adlington, Adrian, Haran A l Rahid, Afzal, Rubina Aga, Nick Allen, T Allen, Jacob Andelin, S Ahmed, Annette, may she play basketball forever, Ersin Akartuna, Bernat Albinia, Aqil, Ducan Austin, Rose Atkins, Thank you, Joe Baguley, Give up our degree and go and do professional photography, that is not a request it is an order! Allen Bailey, How many years have you been winding up ethnic minorities now Allen? Isn't it about time to give it a rest? Barbara Bates, Rachel Bassett, When we eventually spell her name correctly maybe Felix will win this extremely talented writer to its pages. Until then we will have to do without her romantic passion! Karen Barnes, Owain Bennallack, Wow! What a talent, this man will be famous, his wit will earn him millions. Yes I am going over the top but I'm just jealous, Rick Bilby, Sweet thing, this is the only Sabb who has remained a complete mystery to me, maybe due to the fact that whenever he says something his foot ends up in his mouth. No, that would be cruel, Jim Bichard, Michele Begin, Thank you for forgiving me about certain letters that got printed, Bob, what exactly did you do? Peter Bowen, Jason Bramfield, Tamsin Brashier, Thanks for being the most reliable Felix contributor I ever encountered, Carl Boon, A R Brown, Paul Brice Tim Brown, Dave Buckle, Andy Butcher, I don't care what anybody said about him when he was here, but I enjoyed his time as Felix Editor and he has got more talent as a writer than anyone else who has passed through these doors, Laura Burgess, Josh Burill, he went to Eton, say no more, Jeremy Burnell, Jeremy has a natural talent for winding people up, but if you ever want a job doing and it doing well Jeremy will bend over backwards in order to help you. In my book, he is O K , Simon Burton, G C , Mike Castles, Guasrang Chada, Mike Chamberlain, M i m i Chakraborty, a real political commentator was born this year, I hope Felix played some small part in M i m i realising her potential, Charley, Freddy Cheeseworth, Sebastian Chung, Louise Clarke, Lucia Clipstone, E Clarici, Dave Cohen, Relax for God's sake, Richard Cooke, T im Cotton, Sam Cox, Good Luck where ever you are, M e l Cox, Mark Cox, James Crisp, Hans Crockett, Declan Curry, Without Declan this year simply would not have happened, enough praise flows over him with out me adding to it, so I shan't. Only adding I feel fortunate that I can count him as a close friend, Bryan Crotaz, Paul Dias, an able man but has the awesome task of trying to stand in the place of Declan, Much luck to his microphone, Chris Davidson, this is by far and away the slimiest, most underhand man on the planet, but I like him none the less. I wish him good luck for the rest of his alcohol drenched life, P Davidson, Myles Davison, Kate Dalton, Christas Dallis, Catherine Darwin, Trish Dooling, Karl Drage, Donna, Steve Dunton, A young Robert Maxwell in build as well as mentality, watch him disappear of to Northern Cyprus with his ill-gotten gains in years to come, Phil Dodd, I owe Phil an awful lot: He has kept churning out a reviews page when others were doing exams and has stayed with Felix even though he has received a lot of undeserved hassle, good luck whatever you decide to do, D Dymot, Hugh Eland, Fahad El-Adawi, Aralia Elegantissama, James Evans, Richard Eyers, Thanks for getting me to this post, and not hanging around to see what a mess I made of it, Richard Foreman, Vicky Fry, Nicky Fox, C A France, John Furlong, Angus Frazer, Jill Gibbons, Simon Gibbons, Dave Goddard, Martin Godet, Simon Govier, If I could go back and change anything this year it would be the way I have dealt with Simon. He has worked exceptionally hard and efficiently for Felix, but the fact is we cannot work together. Hence, I have lost what was a good friend, JC Graham, James Grinter, Jonathan Griffiths, Kaveh Guilanpour, Sidney Harbour Bridge, Chris Hack, Alex Hall, Sarah Harland, Ben Hancock, Adam Harrington, May this midget grace my later life with his sarcasm, humour and cackle. Thanks for making your time as Editor enjoyable enough for me to want to do it, Phillip Henry, If the essence of a new born child were poured into a man's body what would stand before you would be Phil. He epitomises innocence and naivety, his amazement at the wonder of the world is a source of inspiration, may he never be corrupted, Fleming Heino, Simon Hayes, David Henderson Begg, Mike Herd, Ikhwan Herudin, Matthew Hapbold, Christopher Hodge, Ian Hodge, I don't know whether he would agree with me, but I like to think I can count Ian as a friend. I will probably never know, because he can't seem to get over my habit of having arguments just for the sake it, Paul Holmes, Mandy Hurford, may the millrace of students unions always run smoothly, G Ingram, Ismail, thanks for all the Clubs pages, The Investigations Unit, Greg lies, Samin Ishtiaq, Farhad Islam, S-J, Mark 'Trig' Jackson, Max Jalil, James, Jan, J Jthewa, Toby Jones, Jon Jordon, A R Kahn, Emma Keeling, Whatever is printed here is not enough, at least we are still talking which means I think we have a future, but that future is a long, long way off yet, Cathy Kenny, as Michelle only more sarcastically, G Keogh, Andy Kerr, Never ever mess with a Irish man, particularly this one, Jon Knight, Gwen Knowles, Koby, Najeeb Kahn, H M Kho, Bernard Lamb, Beccy Land, Revenge is mine..., Steffan Lawgharne, Shashikant Lakhotia, Robert Leamon, Charles Leary, Sarah Lee, Leo, Chris Leontopoupos, Tatiana Lopes, Ben Liddicott, Yen Yang L i m , L i l y , Gareth Light, With such a tight ass and muscular thighs, Gareth has a real future in gay porn, Stuart Lipton, Thank you, I now know the real meaning of the word fear, K Lloyd, Felicity Lodge, Catherine Low, Lucas, Rafal Lukawiecki, Barry Mallon, Manor, Ben Marrs, someone take this man and his sense of humour, lock him in a deep dark dungeon and throw away the key, Marion, Geoff Maxwell, Andrew Melling, Steven McCabe, Glyph McCord, Kevin McCandless, McCarter, Keith McNully, Alistair McCollum, Mediterraneo, Ellie Merton, Neil Michael, A l i Mohammed, Morton, Robert Morgan, Sarah Jane Morris, J Morgan, Gina Mortley, Rachel Mountford, Sorry that you think I am a complete failure as a human being, can't be helped and if you want to know I don't regret anything, Lorna Mountford, Terry Murtagh, Liam Newcombe, Steven Newhouse, How can this man be so useful and such a pain in the ass at the same time? Michael Newman, Mark Newton, Tanya Nazam, Niniesh, Ian Nicholl, Mario D'Onofrio, Caroline Osner, PJ, Gareth Parry Husbands, thanks for a lot of good solid work this year, Chris Pease, Gavin Pearson, Robin Perry, Penguin, Poddy, M Phylacides, Plinthos, Rhian Picton, Alison Pool, Sarmad Qureshi, Thank you, Billy Qureshi, Muzaffar Qureshi, Helen Randall, Ralph, Sangkaran Ratnam, Paul Reah, Mark Richards, Ian Richards, Stuart Rison, D Rowe, Nick Royall, Jenny Rudston, Steffano Ruis, Kevin Rushbrook, Matthew Salter, Richard Satner, Marc Samuels, Emmanuel Saradakis, Scarlet (better known as Red Hot Riding Hood), Sener Sezgin, Sofia, Rafi Shafi, Sonia Shar, Khurrum Sair, Kuldip Sandhu, Melvin Shanklin, Daniel Shields, Janet Smith, Simon Smith, Stef Smith, Sinead, Georgia Sigala, Zaeem Sivardeen, Anna Sofroniou, Mathew Solomon Sphinx, John Simpson, Easan Sivianiah, sorry to name you but it's just my way of saying goodbye and good luck, David Spooner, What can I say? When this job got on top of me David did the shitty things that no one else wanted to, wrote to fill spaces the size of the Grand Canyon and was just there. When you need support David helps, when you need humour, David cheers, may his true worth be recognised and damn soon! Boris Springborn, may your sexy trousers never die! Sarah Spar, Eric Stables, Eric had a great idea for a feature once, with me interviewing him as he did the same to me, but he never gets back to any of the messages you leave him! C Sterling, Chris Stapleton, When I first came in the Felix Office, Chris was there relaxed, unpeturbed and totally in control, I looked at him then as the Felix Editor and still do, Simon Stockhill, Philip Stokes, Y o u fucking psycho, Simon Su, Thomas Sullivan, Marc Swan, Alex Tavener, Kathleen Tennant, Paul Thomas, Anna Thomas Betts, Jacob Tompkins, Andy Thompson, Many thanks, you did the job I didn't want to, for which I am eternally grateful, Tintin, Adam Tinworth, Andrew Tseng, E Turkbeyler, Charles Twist, L M Urban, E V , Kristine Vaaler, Lousie van der Stratton, John Vanderage Ames Lily, Minnie and Viola, Maryane Walsh, Chantelle Ward, Andrew Wensley, Don't ever get in an argument with this man, you will leave any dispute soundly beaten with your tail between your legs. A l l you pretenders to President of I C U next year you have been warned! Simon Westerman, John Westwater, Jonathan Watters, Carol Whiteworth, Yvonne Woods, David Woodcock, Rex Wickham, Dominic Wilkinson, David Williams, P Williamson, Womble, Patrick Wood, Still sorry about that rewriting of your article last summer, I nearly lost the only really cultured contributer to Felix, Zorbas.