/1995_1028_A by Ravi Pall

ELIX

The Student Newspaper of Imperial College

Nol028

12MAY95

NUS... BY ANDREW SMITH T h e r e f e r e n d u m on I m p e r i a l College Union's (ICU) proposed a f f i l i a t i o n to the N U S is i n danger of degenerating i n t o a farce today as the pro-campaign continues to flout election rules. Illegal campaigning could result i n c l a i m s that the b a l l o t was unconstitutional and thus lead to a rejection of the results. A c c o r d i n g to the U n i o n Executive, posters whi ch appear a r o u n d C o l l e g e have to be checked by Ian Pa r i sh , Deputy President Clubs & Societies, but the p r o - c a m p a i g n s u p p o r t e r s have repeatedly failed to do so. M r P a r i s h has rejected suggestions that the whole referendum could be put i n doubt by the p r o - c a m p a i g n ' s f a i l u r e to follow the rules. The Union Executive Committee, which is responsible for running the referendum, has already decided that a previous b r e a k i n g of t he ir rules by the ' Y e s - l o b b y ' s h o u l d be overlooked. M r P a r i s h t h i n k s that t h i s is l i k e l y to be r e p e a t e d . Saying that it would be 'silly' to d i s q u a l i f y the p r o - l o b b y for poster i r r e g u l a r i t i e s , he suggested that he w o u l d have probably passed the posters had he seen them initially. Ms Sarah Thomas, chair of the anti-campaign, seems inclined to let her opposition's activities pass at present. Speaking to F E L I X , she admitted that it was d o u b t f u l that the offending publicity would have a major influence on the outcome of the referendum. M s Thomas (Continues on page two)

'Bonjour, guten morgen, sabaah el foul, hello', writes Ivan Chan. Last Friday morning saw the official op Imperial's New Language Laboratory. Very well-equipped, it has twenty video machines and twenty aud as well as two computer aided language terminals. "The group ofpeople who will most benefit will be overse They have a great incentive to learn the English language," said Ms Katie Gent, supervisor of the New Lang "Students who would like to continue with a second language and students preparing for a year in Europ benefit," she added. Speaking during the opening Sir Ronald Oxburgh, the Rector, (pictured above in he placed great emphasis on the merits of learning a second language. Facilities for studying a new langua 'extremely important'. He went to say that if there is a demand for further equipment for the language Imperial will 'get more!' The language lab is situated in Room 305, Mechanical Engineering and is open f 9.00am to 9.00pm Monday to Friday. Every Wednesday at 2.00pm there is an introductory demonstrat appointment is necessary). Both students and staff are welcome to use the facility. For further informatio 48756 or contact the Humanities Department in Mech Eng.

Bottomley Battles Through BY RACHEL WALTERS OUR CORRESPONDENT A T WESTMINSTER Proposed changes to L o n d o n ' s healthcare seem c e r t a i n to go ahead w i t h the g o v e r n m e n t overwhelming Wednesday's Labour Party motion calling for the plans to be reconsidered. The House of C o m m o n s discussion focussed on the implementations of the T o m l i n s o n report, whi ch considers the proposed merging

of the capital's medical schools as w e l l as the closure o f h o s p i t a l wards and services. T h e p l a n s for the a m a l gamation of teaching facilities i n L o n d o n include the new Basic Medical Sciences building which is set to open i n Imperial College in 1998. V i r g i n i a Bottomley, the much criticised Secretary of State for Health, asserted her commitment to the future of teaching and research. M r s Bottomley maintained

that m e r g i n g the present nine undergraduate medical schools into four multi-faculty colleges based at Imperial, King's, Queen Mary and Westfield and U n i v e r s i t y College w i l l benefit medical teaching. " W e have got to b u i l d for the f u t u r e, not fossilise the past," she said. Margaret Beckett, presenting the o p p o s i t i o n m o t i o n , questioned her logic i n suggesting that the a m a l g a m a t i o n o f so m a n y (Continues on page two)

13 news one&two&three • editorial&credits three • incoming five • feature: a bridge too far seven • feature: a moving experience eight • union: raftracing and the taste of hardship nine • xtra curricular: in the air and underwater ten&eleven • standby: art for you twelve&thirteen • eight day guide fourteen&fifteen • sport: politically correct sportspeak sixteen 13

News

News in Brief BY R A C H E L W A L T E R S

r Wednesday's B o a r d of Studies m e e t i n g saw the R e c t o r , S i r Ronald O x b u r g h , deliver his emphatic response to the N e w Academic Framework, proposed for University of L o n d o n ( U L ) degrees. H i s r e p l y , w h i c h emphasises the d i f f e r e n c e i n s t a n d a r d between I m p e r i a l ' s degrees and those awarded by other U L Colleges, was accepted without complaint by the Board. The N e w Academic Framew o r k , a paper b y P r o f e s s o r Andrew Rutherford, Vice Chancellor of the U n i v e r s i t y of London, calls for standards to be set across U L so that the quality of the degrees g i v e n by i ts different C o l l e g e s w o u l d be uniform. In what amounts to an important statement of university policy, he says that there is a

need for better communication and the d e m o n s t r a t i o n o f the 'collective aims and objectives' of the different colleges. Somewhat isolated amongst his U L colleagues, S i r R o n a l d responded that "parity of degree standards between universities i n the United K i n g d o m is a chimera ... and the same arguments apply w i t h i n the largest university i n the U n i t e d K i n g d o m , w h i c h contains institutions disparate i n size and mission."

t T h e numbers of students using the I C U advice service has gone up i n recent weeks, highlighting fears that increasing numbers of Imperial students are suffering acute financial hardship. S p e a k i n g to F E L I X , D o n Adlington, IC's student advisor, said that "over the past few years the f i n a n c i a l p r o b l e m has got systematically worse." H e commented that money worries were an important part of student life, a n d that he was s e e i n g v e r y careful students being unable to survive on their grants.

s The University of L o n d o n A c a d e m ic C o m m i t t e e, meeting on M a y 1, decided that students caught cheating i n University of London exams, which include all those Imperial College students take, w i l l be dealt with by each U L College internally. T h e closely r u n ballot of the crosssection of students and academics from the various U L Colleges who attended the c o m m i t t e e meeting saw the m o t i o n b e i n g passed by the slender majority of only 21 votes to 17.

o Imperial College has indicated that Constituent College U n i o n freshers who normally have their get-togethers d u r i n g the first week i n the Great H a l l w i l l no longer be able to use this venue. There are now too many students entering first year to fit i n the room for the welcome initiations. Instead freshers will have to trek a l o n g E x h i b i t i o n R o a d to the Kensington Gore corner to meet i n the R o y a l G e o g r a p h i c a l Society.

Funds Promised (Perhaps?) BY ANDREW SMITH ÂŁ 2 0 m i l l i o n f r o m the H i g h e r E d u c a t i o n F u n d i n g C o u n c i l of E n g l a n d ( H E F C E ) has been promised to Imperial College for the construction of the new Basic Medical Sciences b u i l d i n g . T h e future of the project depends on an i m p e n d i n g d e c i s i o n by the Department of Health ( D o H ) as to w h e t h e r i t w i s h e s to g i v e another ÂŁ20m to the scheme. T h e undertaking w i l l see up to five medical institutions merging to f o r m a new I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e Medical School. Mystery surrounds the announcement of the H E F C E money as the body itself has still not f o r m a l l y d e c l a r e d t h e i r f u n d i n g o f the project. It was V i r g i n i a B o t t o m l e y , the e m battled Secretary of State for H e a l t h , w h o a n n o u n c e d the f u n d i n g i n a Press Statement which also covers the proposed closure of a number of L o n d o n Hospitals. H E F C E have insisted that

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they t h e m s e l v e s have n o t officially announced their f u n d i n g , e m p h a s i s i n g that a formal statement on the overall finance w i l l not be made u n t i l the D o H decides w h e t h e r to c o n t r i b u t e i ts ÂŁ 2 0 m to the proposed merger. Speaking to F E L I X A n n a Whelan, Imperial College's P l a n n i n g Officer, attempted to downplay suggestions that the money is i n the pipeline. She too e m p h a s i s e d that the H E F C E f u n d i n g depends o n i t b e i n g matched by the D o H but added that "we all hope very much that it w i l l go ahead." It is still not clear when a final decision w i l l be made b u t the C o l l e g e ' s Planning Department, which has c o o r d i n a t e d a p p l i c a t i o n s , is expecting it 'any day'. F E L I X understands that the R e c t o r , w h o p r e v i o u s l y worked closely with Tory leaders as Chief Scientific Adviser to the Government, is confident that all the money w i l l come through. It appears t h o u g h that the the

project may be put i n jeopardy by the Department of Health's wish that i t be tested under its new Private Finance Initiative. T h e resultant delay that this wo u l d incur worries those planning the mergers, w i t h M s W h e l a n a d m i t t i n g that her department d e f i n i t e l y d i d not want the building to come under the new initiative. Another problem looming is that of the proposed demolition of the Royal College of Science II b u i l d i n g w h i c h is expected to take place over the S u m m e r . W i t h this 19th Century building i n a 'conservation area', certain sources have suggested that local authorities may find their n o s t a l g i c a d m i r a t i o n o f the ancient lecture theatres becomes an o v e r w h e l m i n g obstacle to demolition. The gutting of the theatres is p l a n n e d to o c c u r soon after students leave at the end of this term with demolition projected, b a r r i n g c o m p l i c a t i o n s , for September.

(NUS continues from page one) did leave the option of objecting later open, saying 'maybe I w i l l ' , but stressed that "the people r u n n i n g the referendum should be doing something about it." The competency of the I C U E x e c u t i v e ' s r u n n i n g of the r e f e r e n d u m is c r u c i a l to the legitimacy of the ballot. I f the next I C U C o u n c i l meeting on the 23rd M a y decides that their h a n d l i n g o f the issue has not been a c c e p t a b l e , the w h o l e exercise w i l l be discounted. M s Thomas refused to disclose her opinions of Exec's management of the referendum, saying that she would take any objections to them, rather than commenting to

F E L I X .

W h i l e it had been suspected that turnout might not reach the required one thousand votes, it now appears that the four days of b a l l o t i n g across campus could mean that sufficient numbers of students w i l l vote for the count to be quorate. A s F E L I X went to press, after two days' voting, insiders estimated that between six and seven hundred votes had been cast. I f a n o t h e r four hundred students express their opinions before 7.00pm today a l e g i t i m a t e d e c i s i o n w i l l have been made. It is still not clear whether C l a i r e M a l o n e y , St M a r y ' s Student U n i o n President, w i l l encourage m e d i c a l students to vote. G u i d a n c e by St M a r y ' s S t u d e n t U n i o n i n the recent sabbatical elections resulted i n over two hundred extra medical for the preferred votes candidates. C l e a r l y this c o u l d have a significant impact on the N U S referendum, but, with M s Maloney said to be annoyed that P a d d i n g t o n students were not mailed the information given to South Kensington students, it is possible that very few votes w i l l come from the northern part of the campus. It has also emerged that last Friday's Referendum Hustings were even more confused than first thought. J i m M u r p h y , recently re-elected for a second year as N U S President, arrived late expecting to speak on behalf of the p r o - l o b b y . I C U and the N U S are still at odds as to why the delegation was late with both parties blaming each other.

News

(Bottomley continues from page on

The annual Rag fete took place on the Queen's Lawn on Wednesday, writes A n d y Sinharay. Various activities from stuffing cream crackers to talking to giant flowers, were on offer to the punters, all in aid of charities such as the Red Cross and the Marie Curie Cancer Research Fund. Ian Robertson, RAG Chair, told F E L I X that there was some concern about the weather, threatening attendance and bringing the long-awaited mudwrestling into doubt. "When we had the sun, the place was packed for half an hour," Mr Robertson explained. However one activity on offer, the opening of Queen's Tower which allowed panoramic views for SOp climb, proved so popular that many called for the Tower to be open all year round. Luckily as the day wore on, the weather held. Mud-wrestling finally took place in the late afternoon, and the remaining faithful were lucky enough to be drawn into the messy fray! Rag have raised in excess of ÂŁ20,000 so far this year.

t^/oriaI^= N U S Last Day Remember that today is your last chance to vote i n t h e N U S r e f e r e n d u m . It is d i f f i c u l t to guess at the result at the moment. Early o n it seemed like the 'no' voters were staying away, hoping that the vote would be inquorate. A s the week has p r o g r e s s e d however, they too have begun to cast b a l l o t s , fearful o f o n e thousand 'yes' votes. I'm actually q u i te e x c i t e d that the w h o l e thing is coming to an end at last. F u l l results and analysis, as they say, in next week's issue. Begging B o w l

W e l l this week we've had to drop to sixteen pages. I don't blame anyone - I k n o w how scared people are about getting a job and obtaining the necessary quality of degree - b u t I hope no-one blames me! In an attempt to halt

the slow i n s i d i o u s d e c l i n e we w i l l , from next week, be letting loose some o f the things we've wanted to do a l l year. I hope it doesn't appear to gratuitous. A l l contributions s t i l l very gratefully accepted. V E Day C a l l me a friendless (veteran) thanker but I found myself alone in Hyde Park on monday night. T h e atmosphere was strange. U n l i k e one acquaintance I made no attempt to break i n t o the secure celebration 'compound' . Instead I w a l k e d the grounds amongst tens o f thousands o f others. It seemed more a rock festival than an official state day of celebration, such was the mix of people a n d the heady c o m b i n a t i o n o f p o o r amps, smoke, and lights. O h , and the tourists. I did find myself wondering at one stage just how many, i f any, o f the a sse m b l ed were

undergraduate and postgraduate colleges into a fraction o f the original space would lead to an improvement i n facilities. T h e new site at Imperial is planned to house b o t h St M a r y ' s a n d Charing Cross and Westminster M e d i c a l Schools, the N a t i o n a l H e a r t a n d L u n g Institute and the Royal Postgraduate Medical School. T h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f the Institute of Cancer Research joining is still being considered but the b u i l d i n g w i l l definitely include Imperial College's Department of Biology. T he sometimes acrimonious W e s t m i n s t e r debate saw the G o v e r n m e n t u n d e r pressure from both Conservative M P ' s as w e l l as the O p p o s i t i o n . M r s B o t t o m l e y was accused o f storming ahead with unpopular and discredited proposals. These were described as cost-cutting measures which threaten patient care and research. T h e bulk of the discussion clearly focussed on the controversial decisions to scrap accident a n d emergency services at a number of L o n d o n hospitals. T he call to reconsider the ' w i d e l y challenged assump t i o n s that u n d e r p i n the T o m l i n s o n R e p o r t ' c o u l d also have i m p l i c a t i o n s for the changes p l a n n e d for m e d i c a l education and research. actually B r i t i s h ! I heard i n fact more o f the 1940's ' b a d d i e s ' accents! It reminded me of an old science fiction story I once read. It featured the experience o f a group of time-travelling Christian Tourists (it was written i n straight faced 1950's superscience speak so don't smirk) who go on a tour to see the selection of Jesus over Barabus as the c r i m i n a l to be sent to his death. T h e y are told by the travel company that under no circumstances c o u l d they attempt to save Christ, as this w o u l d alter the t i m e l i n e . Instead, they are dressed i n robes and encouraged to chant for Barbaras along with the Jews. As the tempo rises the cries get more fierce; only at the last moment do they notice the Jews are silent around the edges of the c r o w d , w h i c h c o n s i s t s entirely of tourists. W h y were the cheers for an ancient Vera L y n n so strident?

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Incoming Over Here! Art i n Demand Dear Felix, This is just a brief note to remind everybody that Phoenix, the I.C. Arts magazine, is scheduled to be published before the end of this year. To do this, we need contributions. These can be almost anything (within reason) poetry, prose, artwork, photography, etc. The only proviso is that any writing should be reasonably short (500 words absolute max). All contributions must be in by the 25th May 1995. They can be sent to the Felix office, or directly to me, the editor, either by internal or e-mail. Marcus A l e x a n d e r Mech Eng U G 3 (m.alexander@ic.ac.uk)

They Leave i n Shame Dear FELIX, We've been together at Imperial for four years and we value the close friendship between us and all the good friends we've made and the good times we've had here, including many a pleasant evening in Southside and the Union Bar. However, during all this time, we have never felt the need to regale our fellow students with the sight of our genitals. We have justified this selfish attitude of ours by noting that in the sad, oppressive world outside Imperial,

Crossword by Catfish

Edited by Owain B. where the enlightened libral attitudes of the Constituent College Unions' Social Clubs sadly do not prevail, such behaviour could result in arrest by the Police and criminal prosecution. We realise now that we have been reaping the social rewards of being members of Imperial College student society while ourselves not respecting its illustrious traditions and not making the effort to adopt its groundbreaking standards of behaviour and social conscience. We hereby wish to apologise for this staggering display of insensitivity on our part, and make public our contrition and shame. We realise it is now too late to make amends, as it is not possible to atone in the little time we have left here for the sins of our four years. We wish also to thank our fellow Imperial students of the C C U Social Clubs for the tactful tolerance they have displayed in the face of our arrogant presumptions. They have our sincere esteem and admiration, but we will not insult their modesty with unworthy flattery. No praise can speak louder of them than the paean of their actions. Yours etc, G e o r g e Karaolides Xav i e r Siemens Benjamin Wandelt Letters m a y b e c o m m e n t e d o n by a guest editor, whose o p i n i o n s a r e not necessarily t h o s e of t h e e d i t o r , a n d cut d u e to s p a c e r e s t r i c t i o n s . Deadline: Monday 6.00pm.

F E L I X DEADLINES letters - m o n d a y 6 p m you must bring your id card along too

clubs a n d societies' articles - f r i d a y 6 p m you should limit these to 250 words. If you want to write more, please come in and see us first.

reviewers' meeting - mondays 1 p m for music, cinema, theatre, clubs, art

news m e e t i n g - m o n d a y s 6 p m for all potential news animals

features m e e t i n g - W e d n e s d a y 1 p m if you've got ideas for features or want to be given them, this is your

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Size Matters 'Ere, issa bit small innit? Yes, and it can only get smaller at this rate! With everyone leaving F E L I X for exams the editor, like Will Carling without the captaincy, has nothing to edit, forcing a major life crisis. How can you help this dire situation? By finally writing that article you've been planning all year! It's the summer term, everything's looser and the wackiest ideas will be gratefully accepted at the FELIX office, north-west Beit Quad. Remember: An Editor is for Summer not just for Christmas

Across: I. Guidance given to French seasoning (7) 9. Playboy's Spanish house, with river running round (8) 10. Almost beautiful, but too thin (4) II. Spectacular return makes impact on Wall Street bearing (6-4) 12. Scottish sprite is weedy, they say (6) 13. Study cheap American books about spices (10) 17. Flagwaver will put up with hesitation (6) 18. Put into retreat after current bad show (3,2) 21. Objecting to a poem (6) 22. Fight off soldiers in time to reach castle walls (10) 25. How current crosses gap, in pipe (6) 26. Be without passion concerning poor performance (10) 28. Drunk as starters before ording opening round (4) 29. Knowledge about gold which

players feel sick over (8) 30. Goddess of some French measure! (7)

Down: 2. Closed by one Italian writer and journalist (8) 3. Reward honesty by first handing over cash (3,2,5) 4. Bless once traces are removed (10) 5. Thanks playwright for waistcoat! (6) 6. Might stitch-up cause chaos? (6) 7. Stick which will turn up in river (4) 8. It's bright to admit point about decoration (7) 14. An idiot with regard to chemical (5) 15. I am playing cards out of boredom (10) 16. Drain can be unnecessary (10) 19. Is circle a job for graph line? (8) 20. Only a sailor knows about seafood! (7) 23. Flowers for girls (6) 24. Wear French fancy-dress to

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As we all know, male nakedness is an acceptable part University tradition. But get a woman in that position and you get national coverage for a week.

over the bridge i n the first place. N o t only was she described as 'bawd and gownless', a 'diving belle' and a 'water babe', she became a bit player i n The Sun's continual attempt to justify Page 3. Joss' quasi-feminist line now read more like a battle cry. " I ' m proud of my body and I'm happy to share it, especially for The Sun" she said. Words which have graced the mouth of many a bimbo were now aped by The Sun-styled 'brainy beauty'. There was also mention of two further developments. One was that she had lived for three years w i t h a 37 year old man and the second was a confession: "I take my clothes off all the time". So m u c h for the homely suggestions of dear old m u m . St i ll The Sun d i d manage to i n c l u d e a p i c t u r e o f her parent's house with the helpful description, 'respectable'.

Jon Jordan investigates a cultural phenomenon.

O f course that was not an end to the matter. O n the same day as the page 3, the late editions of The Evening Standard replied with the headline, ' W h y Joss is the shame of St. H i l d a ' s ' . T a k i n g The Mail's lead, this echoed the now latest sentiments of 'midwife M r s Witchard, 57' concerning her wayward daughter. "She is naked i n this picture but she is wearing her college cap i n a way that makes f u n o f the c o l l e g e , " F r a n c e s was reported as saying.

Y o u ' d t h i n k that n o t h i n g w o u l d be more t r a d i t i o n a l t h a n the a n n u a l M a y D a y festivities at Magdalen Bridge, Oxford. As the C h o i r break i n t o song, twenty or so d r u n k e n s t u d e n t s , i n v a r i o u s states o f undress, take a leap of faith from the bridge i n t o less t h a n f o u r feet o f water. D o e s anything better demonstrate the glorious stupidity and zest for life of the Oxbridge upper middle class? In fact so popular has the scene become that over fifteen thousand spectators gather to watch it. But what was different t h i s year? A c e r t a i n J o c e l y n Witchard, that's what.

The Sun kept the story f i r m l y on the boil with a follow up double page spread the following day. A l t h o u g h Joss's ex-lover had mysteriously aged six years, from 37 to 43 i n 24 hours, at least he now had a name. ' H i p p y B a r r y R a i t h b y ' was p i c t u r e d s h o w i n g The Sun's photographer, 'inside the cramped van where they shared nights of love on an o l d brown bed'.

"Every year drunken fellas jump i n . I wanted to be the first girl to strip off and do it," said Jocelyn, 22, quoted i n The Sun the next day u n d e r the h e a d l i n e ' D i p , d i p Hoorays'. 'Jocelyn splashed around swigging champagne as Hooray Henry pals whooped w i t h d e l i g h t , ' The Sun c o n t i n u e d i n its 'crayon style'. The Mail also c o v e r e d the s t o r y , although they chose to use the title, ' M i s s Witchard', and managed to publish a slightly more circumspect picture (it's amazing what y o u can h i d e w i t h l o n g , i f wet, h a i r ) . S e n s i t i v e to its a u d i e n c e h o w e v e r , the article's leader i n c l u d e d the phrase: ' H o w would you feel i f she was your daughter?' T h e breakfast tables of A l e v e l students around the country must have trembled. Just i n case any m o t h e r s were u n c o n v i n c e d , The Mail also d e c i d e d to c o n d u c t an i n t e r v i e w w i t h M r s F r a n c i s W i t c h a r d : 'a c o m m u n i t y housewife who is m a r r i e d to M a u r i c e , a r e t i r e d R A F c h i e f technician', it eagerly informed readers. " O h dear," was her first pearl of w i s d o m . S t i l l , further questioning resulted i n "I expect she

was a bit drunk at the time" and "She's never done anything like this before". W i t h a last vague foray into feminism - 'She does feel women should have equal opportunities i n life' - it appeared that was the end of the whole matter. A sudden rush of blood and alcohol to the head, a couple of photographs and no harm appeared to have been done. A t most there would be a brief period of fame or e m b a r r a s s m e n t and a c o u p l e of w o r r i e d phone calls from home but that would be all. ' G i r l from St. Thrillda's' screamed The Sun's banner. ' N o w she takes the plunge as the star of page 3'. Whoops! T a k i n g The Sun's P e n n y ( a c t u a l l y ÂŁ 1 , 0 0 0 ) was p r o b a b l y the stupidest move Jocelyn, or 'Joss' as The Sun now familiarly called her, could have made after leaping

"She is just a beautiful genius," Barry remarked, echoing a line that The Sun had already made quite clear. H e also repeated that Joss had a habit of stripping i n public and said that he had watched her go i n on that 'fatal' bridge-jumping morning. Back the dreaming towers, Joss' college authorities were becoming none to pleased with all the attention. In particular the use of phrases such as 'Hildabeasts' to describe the antics of the college's all female members was not being taken lightly. " W e are a serious academic college," their c o m m o n room president, M s Diola, commented. A n d so to the m o r a l . W h a t i n i t i a l l y seemed to be simple case of clothes off and into river at second sight now appears rather more byzantinian. Can we really still swallow that it happened on the spur of the moment'? T h e differences b e t w e e n 18,000 O x f o r d onlookers i n the flesh and four and a half m i l l i o n Sun readers i n the 'black and white and red all over' has never looked so small. Q

IW95

FELIX

window. O u r eyes flashed as they met. " Y e s , " I called to Paul. "These landlords only get a w a y with it because the second years

are so gullible..."

Owain

The g r o u p rapidly a d o p t e d a ' w e ' r e not gullible second years' pose a n d then dived into a hurried conference. This gave m e a chance to

•••.ing the p h o n e in their 'ih:>\i.'-.!--;, <i.-.v a ;>r.,.<: !.••:•".••.:••.;-.• >i'.' ioijs. slip out a g a i n a n d through to the landlord that "y~i.y y "~ : , .,<->•••; v <-.•• ':[ . . :

issue. We Certainly nevep««»^^^^ft^Mi^^^

I " N o , f d l m a t e , " he replt ei,S : :

i «Tl irlei \

U MPS?»»f

" N o really;, it's okay.

discussing some,rjJ°JJtfis$Jioj!^Mr M wanted to make before we m o v e d in. But he was quickly

i , ; :

;

ss his drill

, sfidion i

Loot" is a •' '> .

h a g g l e d a r o u n d to a n o - m o d i f i c a t i o n s equals

d "Cornflakes possibly?

i •

i r:: /: i. :

I terms with the ilders - after a l l , they're practically •igbbours. W e l l , I s u p p o s e most n e i g h b o u r s n't pop in whilst y o u ' r e having a shower to what, I ask, clutching the wet more securely) m i are all so o p e n with sir opini< your diet a n d health: " N o , don't wanna everything m a n . Look at n e e d s o m e exercise a n d frying food "Tt g o n n a burn up those k's f o r sure..:" Y o u i s t a n d with t h e m . (On top o f * s of shavings a n d sawdust). Many Imperial's students are right this instant l o o k i n g for s o m e w h e r e to live next year. , will erid up in worse situations thejjjjacing •.sing sight of y o u r f a s h i o n a b W slum ited into a luxury hotel |ust in time IU a n d your fellow students to b e kicked M a n y will facll^|j»torti8nate rents, plagues of biting insects, n o security, blocked p l u m b i n g j j h a noise from every conceivable noise outlet. •I knaspbecause I've experienced all of these as *VeH). This article is intended as a guide to what went wrong for us. Learn from our mistakes! H o u s e hufrfrng started b a d l y w h e n o n l y one of us h u n t e d f o r a house. T h e rest either languished in foreign countries o r in b e d . The p r o b l e m with h y p e r c o m p e t e n t friends is that j

y o u can end up piling too much straw onto their backs a n d you never realise w h e n they break J S s t h o w ' m a n y l o a d s they w e r e c a r r y i n g . (Tip O n e : F i n d a h o u s e t o g e t h e r . Ditch hypercompetent friends and move in with disorganised wafers). . I did look at Loot once a n d saw this a d for a p l a c e in C a m d e n . Five b e d r o o m s , t w o i i l i p r o n rooms, kitchen a n d b a t h r o o m , w e l l f u r n i s h e d , a b o u t fifty q u i d e a c h . It s o u n d e d

having seen the modifying' process at work in

Still,

toast - I was just

ing s o m e . " The d o o i closes, w e d g i n g on the l i f e power flex. I smell the toast burning and niie. Looks like I've m a n a g e d to find one of

the other flat. (Tip four. You've seen Wildlife on

f o u n d ssm?

• •;• -i: :

; .•.••y>;..!..:y-''' :

It's survival ol the fittest out there...)

One.

W e left the flat with M r M telling us all

line turned out to be a tardis of entry points to

about the warehouses of furniture a n d fittings

different properties. In fact every time he visited

he h a d at his disposal to give us whatever our

the landlord he s e e m e d to see a different place.

••'•'••'• Paul went to pay the deposit after work the next day. A g r a n d , cash. 1 K h a n d e d over to a m a n w h o h a d apparently c h an g ed his n a m e f r o m M e r r y to M u r r y to m a k e a fresh start' (No, I'm M r Merry - that's M r Morry, said his brother w h o m w e met in the foyer of Ihe same building once, attempting to s o u n d out a new scared us. The whole setup reeked of a tax sv.indle)

Still h e a n d the l a n d l o r d c o a l e s c e d a r o u n d a third storey a p a r t m e n t w h i c h w e a l l went a r o u n d to visit. It s e e m e d fairly r e s p e c t a b l e , except; • '

•This fj better and (

discovered a hiccup. P o o l , being the o n e w h o h a d just given a third of a students w h o l e grant to the m a n , didn't want to be the one to 'ell us but if was obvious f r o m the way h e wns b i t i n g h i s n a i l s t h a t something was wrong...(he didn't even stop to

"Yes," said M r I work before you can i this a r e a li decide

' O h it's nothing serious. H e doesn't own the! fiat o r : , that's a l l . "

a small bf:i' -i, «... •

* * "What!" " H e ' s waiting f o r the Jewish holidays to e n d o r s o m e t h i n g * . S o h e c a n b u y it. O r something."

. just what kind of

tv*^ d computei

I w o n d e r e d as I

lookei door.

jropping up the front

( Oil!/'

' j f l B k . Ask the Albert

jSflHL

rr,on

a week to

W e w a i t e d . The Ajavas. : . .:' y " v

Memo. !

thought, dec secure a deposit o n varic rubble: N o l i n e d '..•".: floors '" was two f

. I;I y !

ouse a n d a

ash to

roof. " W e l l yes, but y o u can alway s sleep in

filled with

•

• • ' i •. ..'

;

^y.y 2S ::iy3^ l

another property of his. It was quite stunning, n e of t h e

•/ •••'

weeks before the start of term, we moved into

' '"• t

• '"/.V •' j. .:' .;. 'ri'.'."; ; : • ' • • ' • ' , :".''••

bedrooms to exist independently of the others. O n e of our party, we felt, was just right for that role (the oi I '*fh.#5 1 o4kin<

Mr M had . > - .}>• '•

louse "; ;

;

ry). •• i/"tiiiilals ••"•,:"•.

':. :

;

s t a r e d o u t t h r o u g h the triple g l a z i n g across : .',*-..'.' ,;.V;;

...'•••('.'"•

•:<:

:" - ' -.V :

i; ::

habits a n d lavish c h a m p a i g n parties, I almost

; idealiis h) but it w a s b e y o n d w a l k i n g distance jlgjiish JbrougHf Stem disapproval from s o m e of

conference was called in th<

the team so we nevei even l o o k e d at it. Out of e v e r y o n e , I guess w a l k i n g d i s t a n c e w a s most 'important to m e , yet I o v e r l o o k e d that fact in

M r M a W W t t h o u g h ' N o , I'm afir..o "Yes, it's alright," they replied W i t h s u c h u n a n i m o u s ehthusiasffi on3- | haveryfTrc|hsige#t>>to buy it. I'm terribly sorry." Yes. " Y o u ' l l a l l have to be out by Sunday •• • w e ' d be chucked mo vin g i n . out of hall for the new firs, years, d e s p e r a t e m e a s u r e s w e r e c a l l e d f o r . I r e t u r n e d to i h e * > :• :•':•* *' ' i".^f£!i i'itiSS't '•£".&§3ri. living r o o m , shouting back to Paul about how A r a b s — he m a d e it s o u n d like a threat.*

faier months

and harked o n about 'that

excellent place I f o u n d in C a m d e n ' , in reality wgs*p*robably g o n e by the time it htt Loot. I reckon all the typists at Loot moonlight a P e s f a t e agents a n d sell the h o t property o n the phone the mo me nt it arrives, continuing to

H I

FELIX

IM95

• ' *.-'v: -r.?'•.'..- • • :

-M,

• ,•

"This place is okay, I think," I said. 1

b a d the state of the p l u m b i n g w a s / t h e draughts, the fittings, all for the general interest of the

We all p a n i c k e d , aW1^^rttjS«BnicJ|d e n o u g h to ^ M ^ ^ ^ I ^ ^ ^ U g s o r n e ^ J e r e to live. .* .., •• ,:,i^";:yy.yii,.,.

Union

It all started from a simple idea and one phone call, and has now grown into a major event for the U n i o n team entering this years " A n n u a l 100 M i l e River W y e C h a r i t y Raft Race", taking place over 27 to the 29 M a y . T h e team is made from a l l walks o f C o l l e g e l i f e. Dan L o o k and Ian P a r i s h the Deputy Presidents of the U n i o n lead the team of Security Guards, U n i o n Staff and Students. "We wanted a U n i o n team, but we now have a team from a mixture of College and it works well", said D a n , "There are 73 other teams i n this race. W e are the o n l y Students' U n i o n team. It takes quite a bit of organisation." The raft is named "The Prince Consort", this was thought to be a suitable name considering the Unions' surroundings.

good fun. W e have already attended two meetings i n Hereford, but s t i l l no-one has answered our biggest worry - how to go to the toilet i n the middle of the race?" To give you an idea of what is going to happen to these people I shall run down some facts for you: The raft is 50 foot long, 10 feet wide, takes fifty 25 litre barrels and weighs about 600 lbs. The main structure of the raft is aluminium piping, with a foam filled fibreglass bow. We expect to be rafting for about 6 hours each day. If we end up w i t h a time u n d e r 20 hours for the 100 m i l e s we s h a l l be pleased, the fastest teams w i n i n about 13 hours! T h e likes of the A r m y , and B r i t i s h T e l e c o m enter this race so with our l i m i t e d f u n d i n g we w i l l be happy just to finish. " T h i s event is similar to a marathon on your arms for three days running", was the only advice the rafts previous owners could come up with! Apparently we are able to steer our raft. The only problem being is that when we f i n d ourselves h e a d i ng for trouble we actually have to speed up, or else our rudder won't work!

" W i t h the team made from all walks of C o l l e g e l i f e , t h i s is a great exercise i n industrial relationships", D a n continued, " a l l the team realise that although this is going to be a very tough weekend it is also going to be

The ten rafters w i l l be relying on our backup team for support, food and mending any damage to the raft. The back up team are the real workers, it will be the rafters who w i l l bask i n the glory. L u c k i l y we have two Chefs

ne hundred miles of the river W y e w i l l be the challenge over the next Bank H o l i d a y weekend for members of the U n i o n and College Staff. A team of ten will be rafting down the river Wye for charity. T h e race w i l l take three g r u e l l i n g days covering the distance from H a y - o n - W y e to Chepstow, some of the river is even i n Wales!

Student Hardship Rising "W* t is e v i d e n t f r o m the n u m b e r o f 1 students u s i n g the U n i o n advice ill?* s e r v i c e that s t u d e n t financial hardship is continuing to increase. There are cases of students working long hours for low wages and others who have not eaten for several days i n order to pay essential bills such as rent or fuel bills. The budget at the end of 1994 was not good news for students. G i l l i a n Shepherd, Secretary of State for Education, revealed that institutions w i l l have to make a financial cut of almost 3.5% per person as student numbers risej. T h e rates for grants w i l l be reduced which w i l l result i n more students having to rely on loans. Mature students w i l l be badly affected by the abolishment of the allowance received by students over the age of twentys i x i . A l l i n all, funding for higher education is to be cut by £25 million i n each of the next two academic years and w i l l continue at the

reduced figure into 1 9 9 7 / 8 T o make matters worse, students are facing l o n g delays i n h a v i n g t h e i r student l o a n a p p l i c a t i o n s processed and this has had a knock-on effect on paying rent etc. While looking at the financial problems faced by home students, we should remember that international students outside the E E C do not receive L E A grants and cannot apply for student loans.

^%ff^ essentia! bills" T h e r e are d i s c u s s i o n s t a k i n g place w h i c h consider ways i n w h i c h students can pay for their education. Recent suggestions i n c l u d e the i dea o f students r e p a y i n g maintenance and possibly fee costs through n a t i o n a l i n s u r a n c e and tax. T h i s added burden would be very worrying when most students already face having to repay student loans and large debts when they leave college. It is thought that 18 to 21 year old students are accumulating debts over £2000 and it is possible that older students may owe up to £60002- The growing financial pressures may discourage people from poorer backgrounds from entering higher education i n the future.

Rafting Wild on the River Wye by Ian Parish on the team, so we shouldn't end up down the Dog and Duck every night. The organisers of the race, C H A R , have managed to find a 2000 person marquee and bar for the evenings' entertainments, so as long as we are still alive we should have a good time. If you would like to sponsor the rafters, then there is a form i n the U n i o n Office. The first £500 raised w i l l go the P y m l i n o n Trust and the rest to our nominated charities: the College D a y Nursery and the Mangotsfield Opportunity Group. T h i s event has cost the participants a total o f about £ 1 0 0 0 . B o t h D a n and I are thankful to the mad men and women willing to give up their time for this adventure. We also have to thank the following people for their support for us entering the race: U n i o n Management, Transport Committee, The Bookstore and S T A Travel.

In a d d i t i o n , it is i n c r e a s i n g l y difficult to obtain funds from charities for students. It can be said that student poverty exists now, and measures w h i c h may worsen the situation should be strongly opposed. H o w can s t u d e n t s w h o have to w o r r y about meeting their basic finances be expected to cope with the pressures of their studies? It may be possible for institutions to i n t r o d u c e schemes to assist students i n f i n a n c i a l d i f f i c u l t i e s s u c h as p r o v i d i n g cheaper accommodation, cheaper meals, help with the cost of books and cheaper nursery places. Some colleges have set up systems to waive or reduce fees i n cases o f extreme h a r d s h i p . C u r r e n t p r o v i s i o n s such as the access and hardship trust have helped many students to cope w i t h the pressures that financial hardship brings. W e are r a p i d l y a p p r o a c h i n g e x a m ination time - surely the most stressful time of the year for many students. This article is intended to highlight some of the financial problems which can increase the pressure on students. Please be aware of this and refer any students under stress to people who may be able to h e l p , s u c h as the U n i o n A d v i s e r , Counsellor, or College Tutors.

. n 1 Times Higher Education Supplemement 2 The Guardian 23/3/95

l»95

FELIX

Xtra Curricular

A n o t h e r w e e k of temptation Keys: Harry Hill, Carnival So, here we go again, another week, another set of choices - should I revise or should I s u n b a t h e or w a t c h " G o i n g for G o l d " ? I remember (vaguely) what it was like. But I'm afraid we're about to put more temptation in front of you (as i f you needed it). So, for those of you luckily enough to have finished your exams, or i f y o u ' r e just s e e k i n g a w e l l deserved break - here's where it's at. F r i d a y M a y 12th: A bit of a coup this one, and definitely worth taking a night off for. I . C . U Ents is proud, and very excited, to present one o f s t a n d - u p ' s soon to be megastars, Ha rry H i l l . T h i s is an exclusive show, prior to Harry shooting his live video i n the West E n d and we guarantee it will be your last opportunity to see this act i n such an intimate venue. So, i f you want to catch the w i n n e r o f the 1994 " I n d e p e n d e n t on Sunday", " T i m e O u t " and " C i t y L i m i t s " C o m i c of the year awards, and the star o'f Harry H i l l ' s "Fruit Fancies", then the doors open at 7.30pm prompt. It's just £2 a ticket providing that "Bust a G u t Comedy" really does bring you the best value for money i n the capital. Please note admission is strictly limited for this event, and w i l l be allocated on a first come basis, so don't be late. Also we've been asked to point out that this event is strictly students, staff and guests only. A n d i f that w a s n ' t e n o u g h fun for a night, we're also g i v i n g you the chance to indulge i n a little E L I X I R , to refresh your tired minds. F r o m 10 ' t i l 2 free yourself to the p u m p i n g House and Garage sounds as we give the Ents Lounge over to the coolest cuts i n clubland. (If that doesn't sound too much like one of those terrible Dance Z o n e T V ads). A d m i s s i o n is £1 after 9pm, or F R E E before or have been to the comedy. Monday May 15th: C h i l l out i n the Quad while taking advantage of our weekly £1 a pint offer on a chosen product. Bar opens at 5pm and it's s t r i c t l y a ' w h i l e stocks last' scenario. W e d n e s d a y M a y 17th: A very s l i g h t change to the format for C l u b Spanque since most of you are either revising or just enjoying your evening i n the Quad, the disco will now be ending at 11.30pm and the Quad will be cleared by 11.45pm. T h u r s d a y 18th: Ideal for those balmy s u m m e r n i g h t s (there's a s o n g i n there somewhere) - grab yourself one of our exotic C O C K T A I L S and i m a g i n e y o u r s e l f on a beach. T he most sophisticated way to spend a night. F r i d a y M a y 19th: A n o t h e r chance to witness the success of "Bust a Gut" as one of

FELIX

icings

the country's top student comedy venues, as it stages a prestigious L o n d o n heat of the National Comedy Network Open M i c Awards. This acts as a showcase for some of the best, as yet, undiscovered comic talent i n L o n d o n . T he show features five acts and is compered by one of the currents stars of the circuit, Boothby Graffoe. Entry is £2, doors open at 8.30pm, the show starts at 9 p m p r o m p t and there's a F R E E b o t t l e o f Newcastle B r o w n A l e to the first fifty i n . Again, i f you just want to dance and drink the night away there'll be a disco ' t i l 2am with a l a m bar. £1 after 9pm. So, there you have it, another week of dubious pleasures. But that's only the start of it... Here are some more edited highlights for the rest of the term. F r i d a y M a y 2 6 t h : L e a v e y o u r pretensions at home, and put on your s l i n g backed dancing shoes, as we give ourselves over to a n i g h t o f classic pop and disco sounds at " S H A F T " . So, i f you long for the chance to dress up and d i g the sounds of anyone f r o m A B B A to Y a z o o , or D u r a n Duran to W h a m ! then this is the night for y o u . T h e r e ' l l be A B B A a n d M u r i e l ' s Wedding prizes for the funkiest threads, and as usual it's only £1 i n .

F r i d a y June 2 n d : N o w for a bit o f a change a n d just to p r o v e we do l i s t e n occasionally, a chance to try out I . C . U P O P T A R T S . A night with less of an emphasis on dance m u s i c , a n d m o r e on that m u c h neglected pop and indie tip. So, i f you think we've i g n o r e d g u i t a r pop a n d ' s t u d e n t classics' for too long, then tonight is just the night to stomp around! F r i d a y June 16th: Just i n case y o u ' d forgotten - this is the date for M i d s u m m e r Night's Carnival. Tickets have started to sell fast and are only available from the U n i o n Office i n Beit Quad. As well as all the goodies advertised already, we can now confirm the line-up i n W h i r l - y - G i g as: D J Monkey Pilot, Joi and Earthribe. We're also i n the process of confirming support of a barbecue to add to the fun in the Quad. T h i s is going to be the highlight of the Ents. year the best £5 any of you spend, so don't miss out. I hope y o u a l l agree that we've got a decent end to the year planned, but we're already looking forward to next year here in the Ents Office, so i f you feel like getting involved, and making your opinions known then why not come and see me anytime, or attend our weekly Ents Meetings at 1pm on a Tuesday - everyone is welcome.

ÂŽ0M3..S.ÂŁI. Easter Trip to Shropshire Keys: Ridge, Wave, Bungee As Easter approached this year the g l i d i n g club decided to r e - v i s i t the venue of last year's escape - L o n g M y n d A i r f i e l d , Shropshire. F o r club members used to the flat site at Lasham the L o n g M y n d counts as a fair h i l l and reports of the previous years conditions sounded good! Arriving at the bottom the first challenge was to get 496 (our twin seat training glider) and its towcar up a 20% incline single track road, with some sharp looking bends thrown i n for good measure! T h e solution was to leave the glider at the bottom of the h i l l and get a local w i t h a land rover to tow it up, especially as the locals knew how to cope with oncoming traffic that panicked at the sight of a glider trailer on such a narrow road. Most of the people who were coming for the weekend arrived a couple of hours after the glider, around l i s h on Friday, and after rigging 496 we enjoyed some flying i n the sun and our first taste of ridge soaring. Relying on rising air as they do, gliders tend to congregate on ridges. (The air blows up the side of the h i l l , and carries on up), and the ' M y n d is no e x c e p t i o n . T h e added complication of hang glider pilots drifting around the airfield ensures that your lookout improves dramatically - as Matt w i l l testify (and no doubt his instructor, Sarah, as well...) Our hosts for the weekend, the Midlands G l i d i n g c l u b , were v e r y w e l c o m i n g a n d friendly and we rapidly found the bar i n the evening. In fact we ended up running the bar, probably because it was self service and the taps were so difficult to stop when trying to pour half a pint. Relations were so cordial that A n d r e w managed to get t h r o w n i n a stagnant pond at midnight on the Saturday, together with the lady who orchestrated his d u c k i n g . H e s h o u l d have been suspicious when he was asked outside to participate i n 'races' to cries o f 'we need m o r e M y n d people', when there were already about ten people gathering around him... S u n d a y d a w n e d grey a n d wet so we packed the glider and waved it off before we took down our tent. In the meantime it had become suitable for bungee launching off the edge of the h i l l , so we stayed to watch and help with this spectacular sigh, before we left for Lasham and home. Next year? Back to the ' M y n d probably. For more information about membership or a trial flight, or i f you just want to see the photo's of a very wet Andrew, come along to our Thursday meetings (Aero 266, l-2pm) or email: jhm@doc.ic.ac.uk. W e are currently o r g a n i s i n g a s u m m e r t r i p to L e B l a n c , France.

Underwater C l u b ' s Easter Trip Keys: Suck, Blow & G o M e n t i o n to someone that you've just spent the first week of the Easter vacation S C U B A diving off Falmouth and their response can be virtually guaranteed: "Diving? in Britain? i n M a r c h ? y o u m u s t be c r a z y ! " N o just suffering an a d d i c t i o n to B r i t a i n ' s fastest g r o w i n g sport. T h e Easter t r i p a n n u a l l y marks the start of the Underwater C l u b ' s diving season. After six months of training dives i n the dregs of Imperial's s w i m m i n g pool, everyone lucky enough to get a place was desperate for some "real" diving. For the novices present, i n c l u d i n g myself, these would be our first open water dives ever.... A f t e r l o a d i n g up a t r a n s i t f u l l o f equipment and a minibus full of students we started our crawl out of L o n d o n traffic, heading for the open roads that would whisk us to Falmouth! After seven hours of sitting o n w o o d e n benches i n a traffic j a m , we arrived i n Falmouth. Cue the first pleasant surprise of the trip, our home for the week was one o f h a l f a dozen caravans: m o r e luxurious than my digs i n L o n d o n . As we were too late to do any diving that day, there was nothing else for it but to go to the pub. T he 7.30am briefing signalled the start to each day, during which details of the days activities were given and questions answered. B e i n g a n e w c o m e r to the game I was uncertain of what to expect. A n y images of the glamourous sport that appears on the Holiday program quickly disappeared, when I f o u n d m y s e l f h u d d l e d i n the lee o f a particularly old and knackered I C U minibus, p u l l i n g my way into a wet-suit amid a late March hail storm.

T r a i n i n g had been i n the s w i m m i n g pool, where the water was warm and clear, this was substituted for the cold waters of the sea. A n y familiarity that had been built up w i t h the equipment we'd used throughout training vanished the minute all the extra kit needed for open water dives appeared. After you'd worked your way into a wet-suit, hood, gloves, weight-belt (the list goes on...) not o n l y were y o u k n a c k e r e d , but even the simplest of exercises became an ordeal. T h e week's d i v i n g was to vary f r o m i n t r o d u c t o r y shore dives i n the sheltered waters of Porthoustock cove, to meticulously planned dives to a 38m deep wreck. (Novices need not apply!) Many of the dive sites were quite a way from the harbour where the R I B (a rigid hulled inflatable) was launched; i n what were apparently "moderate" conditions, just the trip out to the dive site would put even the biggest roller-coaster to shame. Virtually all of the dives were on a wreck of one form or another and the majority still had huge sections of steel, teeming with sealife and begging to be explored. D u r i n g the week, p e o p l e surfaced t a l k i n g about everything from wrasse to conger eels, small s w i m m i n g crabs to the G o d f a t h e r o f a l l Lobsters. T h e week was fittingly brought to an end, as it started, in the pub with after dinner awards for all the people who had "excelled" themselves during the week. A couple of the more unusual being " H u r l e r of the week", awarded to Dave Taylor for being the only club member to throw up both above the surface and 20m below it. Steve Foster went home the proud owner of "The Albatross" (a b r o k e n p r o p e l l e r ) that is passed d o w n through the club to the biggest liability of the moment, for running the boat that he's spent so many hours maintaining onto a submerged reef.

amm

FELIX

Standby

Em e n u

cornershop

'They tried and failed?' questioned Magpie. 'No. They tried and died' returns the sorry response. Yes it's d u n e on video. 'Dune, desert planet...' he continues. Yes, yes, very good but I bet you can't do the parrot sketch? Lots to do, no time to waste - tintin on cornershop's new album, Stylus on offspring, Bratt Anderson on pet l a m b and Nick on m a r i o n ; those last three all live and kicking. Samin wandered lonely as a columnist trying to satisfy the summer requirements of a demonic standby editor desperate to fill space. Unlike Wordsworth, Samin found 'his bit' of London. Read it in the column that refuses to die Jenny Ho on the Cantona that is i.d., Magpie shoots from the little Jewish director with bullets over broadway and tintin sheds tears over the fate of the steal - they are your film team. Listen and obey.

But their second song sounds like their first, which isn't much different Cheeky chappies, Jeremy Thomson, Matt Booth and Ali to the third. O'Shay, produce mayhem and confusion in equal measures. Still, the performance is great They are this week's happy rotation crew. Take it away... a n d involves a s i n g i n g v o c a l audition, an audience demanded snog between two strangers and a thirty strong mass stagedive! But 'self-esteem', together with Weezer's 'sweater song' stand out With a title like woman's gotta have embarrassingly from the rest. Originally released in 1984 - to It's telling that they encore with it, you might think that nothing's less than universal praise - the changed down c o r n e r s h o p way. Nirvana's 'territorial pissings' and David Lynch directed d u n e is a stunning science fiction film. In Wrong. Their fourth album sees a already the song seems an historical part this is due to its strong visual welcome move towards the trancey relic. A s the n e w kids o n the flair; for example the architecture eastern twirls which have gained territory arrive, w e ' r e into o u r and props are less Star Wars and Tjinder Singh such acclaim with side second g e n e r a t i o n of p o p u l a r more early Flash Gordon with a 'alternative' bands. Unfortunately project, Clinton. dash of D a l i a n surrealism. There's something of the old the standard is already falling. However Lynch also has a totally agit pop on display though; tracks unique view of Frank Herbert's pet l a m b are kind of hard to like 'call all destroyer' and 'hong original b o o k , a n d with these kong book of kung f u ' still punch make out. It's not because they're elements combined he manages their weight. However, it's delights on another plane being unique, it's to create over two hours of like 'roof rack', with its floating lead more they're doing their own thing compelling viewing. guitar, and the eight minute roving and anything worth something has

curried

Y o u have watch it several times to fully u n d e r s t a n d the complex plot t h o u g h . D a v i d Lynch's imagination often jumps from one idea to the next in an attempt convey all the background i n f o r m a t i o n , which leaves the viewer somewhat baffled. A l t h o u g h D u n e m a y have many intertwined t h e m e s , the u n d e r l i n i n g plot involves the intergalactic politics of the Padisha Emperor, as he forces the House of Atreides to move to a desert planet called Arrakis or Dune. The planet's importance is that it's the only place w h e r e the s p i c e , m e l a n g e which allows travel through space and time, is found. W h o e v e r controls the spice production, controls the universe. When originally released Dune was hounded by the critics and flopped at the cinema, but with the p a s s i n g of t i m e , it's become an undeniable cult classic. Having it on video is a definite advantage to understanding it too. From 8th May; ÂŁ10.990

sunrise

all out trash attack of 'insult to injury' were just two excellent examples of a b a n d torturing a skewed tune with violent noise. They finished with a(n in)tense 'never rest again'. Its catchy refrain; "and I will kill you in the end, cos you will never rest again" combined with a melody to die for. I'm sure the band would be happy to oblige.

'Get there for the doors', said Vik. I r e a l i s e d my mistake as p u r e s s e n c e completed their set within the first 10 minutes of me arriving. From what I could tell they a p p e a r e d to have it together congratulations to the sound man who produced a well defined sound. As for the band? Well they could have been Gene on a bad day. After a pleasingly short break m a r i o n a p p e a r e d and blew the support away; both musically and in the volume sense. They kicked off with 'falling through'; full of energy drum trip-out of 'looking for the way some sort of individuality. The Irish quartet open like they and power followed by 'moving in', that really carry your ear with hop skip and jump. And whilst there mean to go on with 'the bast*d', a fast'. Towards the e n d , M a r i o n are the o d d p a p e r e d - t o g e t h e r word that crops up with such appeared to loose the plot a little cracks, overall Cornershop appear f r e q u e n c y in t o n i g h t ' s set y o u but then pulled their gem of a debut to be heading towards a surprisingly wonder they they know anyone they s i n g l e , ' s l e e p ' , out of the fire. actually like. Anyhow they go on Following tumultuous applause they tuneful horizon. (7) and upwards in their pop/hardcore returned for a encore that consisted They may look like Pavement breeding quest. Their last single, of the most impressive track yet: but q u i c k s a n d they snarl and the 'where did your plans go?' and the 'father's day'. 0 l e a d singer has a n aversion to melody. It's fast industrial punkm e t a l , only they s e e m to have i g n o r e d the last t e n years progression in both those genres to produce a very dull s o u n d . The nasty looking skins lap it up though; the bald row of heads nodding like some fleshy executive toy, but there was nothing there. So to the offspring. They take to the stage a n d the crowd go absolutely m e n t a l . The mosh is enormous, everyone sings all the words, twenty girls to my left pick up where Riot Grrl went wrong and spill their own blood away from the bullies at the front and I admit I'm carried away with the enthusiasm. cornershop

FELIX

Standby i.d.

^ stagnant It took me a long time to think of a bit of London that, well, represented my L o n d o n . Then I remembered the canal. The canal moves from A to B, from C a m d e n Town to Kings Cross, from one part of London to another. The A and B could only be London places. The canal, the route, could only be a London canal. Once proud, a useful part of the city, now the dirty water just reflects the grime of the structures around it. C a m d e n Town itself is a p e c u l i a r p l a c e . It's " t r e n d y " I suppose. I use the word in quotes becaus e Camden Town is considered, thought, known, to be trendy. Yes, there are the clubs, cafes, bars. But b e c a u s e it's c o n s i d e r e d to be trendy the tourists - the young Japanese descend. In a way the Market is the symbol of the Town, of London Town. Y o u can buy a n d sell anything there. It takes several twists a n d turns along the canal to get away from Camden Town. You see the last bit of the designer Sainsbury's. You walk along and the new signs inform you that the waterway is now a property of Thames Water pic or whoever. The canal is dirty. Bottles, condoms, carrier bags the disposables of our age pop their heads out of the green water. But there is an alternative picture of the canal. You have to look for it. There are house boats, the wildlife reserve. And on sunny days couples sit at the edge of the canal and open a bottle of wine. The house boats remind me of Amsterdam. But there the boats are actually homes. Here they are shelter for people escaping from the city, for people who cannot afford to live in "proper" houses. Half an hour, forty minutes later, you get to Kings Cross. Kings Cross, the exit to the North. Kings Cross, famous for boy prostitutes and drug addicts. The once-proud railway station is neglected and grimy. Islington, a sign says, lies half a mile away. A h , English civilisation is within reach. The contrast to the start of my journey is sharp: Camden Town is full of shops, the hustle and bustle of a souk; Kings Cross is dead, nothing more than an intersection. From where I stand now I can see the new British Library b u i l d i n g struggling to rise. This is our Pergau. A sign of our times; of m o n e y - g o b b l i n g initiatives that benefit only the elite pass holders. O

kop In i . d . , four p o l i c e m e n go undercover at a London football club to investigate hooliganism. Assuming the identities of football thugs, they attempt to get close enough to the ringleaders to put them away. However, the football and hooliganism merely act as a b a c k g r o u n d to a p s y c h o l o g i c a l drama which follows the decline into v i o l e n c e of one of their number, John. Going undercover changes John (Reece Dinsdale); he finds that he c a n n o t help enjoying the v i o l e n c e which occurs on the football terraces. Not only that, but it b e g i n s to play a part in his homelife as well. Released during a period when the levels of aggression on the pitch, as well as on the terraces, are i n c r e a s i n g , i . d . confronts the monstrosity of football hooliganism. Still Phi//p Dov/s' directorial debut is not a film which people will come out saying they enjoyed, but it's certainly a film which both engages and intrigues. It's undeniable. Woody Allen is back on track with b u l l e t s o v e r Broadway, following his homeside turmoil and, Oscars aside, it's even made money! John Cusak plays David, a New York playwright, eager to see his masterpiece on stage. Financial backing finally comes conditionally from New York's local gangster boss; the boss wants his girl, Olive (Meg Tilly], to have a part in the play. David's dilemma is to direct the play without o f f e n d i n g the gangland boss. His job is made even h a r d e r thanks to the continuous script changes forced by Well, usual as it may seem, I O l i v e ' s b o d y g u a r d - s o m e o n e feel I'm out on an unusual limb. whose writing talent comes from a Everyone and their blind g r a n d harsh life in the real world. mother seems convinced, the steal The e x u b e r a n c e of all the is an awful film. Even Barry 'I characters lifts the film from being wouldn't know a creditable attempt 'another Woody Allen film' to a at the cinematographers' art if it hilariously funny film. Di'anne Wiest passed me fifty quid - thanks very has one of the most memorable much rise, time to raise eyebrows in roles; her manipulative charms my sexy if demure way' Norman have D a v i d d r o o l i n g at every has given it the p r o v e r b i a l NY encounter. She gives him energy cheer. So why did I find it funny? while taking the play and subtly M m m m m , p r o b a b l y b e c a u s e I molding certain parts to prop up thought '4w&f was such a fag-end.

rotation

Every artist has their own sound and to compare them to others is unfair, it restricts their image not only to the comparison, but when two or more similarities are cited, to the narrow Venn overlap. Hence Matt Booth and I, Jeremy T, have attempted the task of wholly independent reviews.... pinkie maciure - hedonistic j; blatant n a m e a n d an orchestral intro add interest to this otherwise obscure trance track. It that a man or a Pinkie? m; I hope it's not a bloke with a hair cut like that. Sounds like a computer game. the verve - this is music m; not very original. Like the rest of the M a n c h e s t e r indie stuff around at the moment j; Manchonian's the word, Matt. band b a n d machine m; sound b a n d . Re horrible ni supergra j; everytrSupergras m; easily not saying (Sorry but ious load <

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With one exception (American of course), The Steal's cast is fine and British - heck it's even got Stephen Fry and Jack Dee in bit parts! Of course the plot is, in the m a i n , twee, there's some awful technobabble and the odd cringe If you've never seen a Woody worthy part, but I'll repeat (for A l l e n film b e f o r e , Bullets over clarity); in parts this film was very Broadway is an excellent starting funny. If you see Outbreak instead you deserve everything you get. 0 point. When the play finally reaches the stage the change is evident. David has to face the problem of whether or not he has betrayed the art of writing to win success on Broadway.

d o d g y - staying out tor summer m; I don't think much of this, a; dodgy's crap, isn't it? s h e d s e v e n - where have you...

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FELIX

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Meet:bar. Cathsoc 12pm Informal mass and lunch, Bagrit centre:, MEng. S+G Outdoor Ctub 1 ish Meeting. All Welcome SL. UCO 1 pm Bible study. Mat B432. Aerobics Class 5.30pm Advanced Step level IV. SG. Wine Tasting Soc 6pm £5, £4 memb. UDH. Dance Club 6pm Autumn beginners. JCR. IQ - Imperial Queers Meeting. Brown Committee room. 7.30pm Tae Kwon Do 8pm Self protection. New olympic sport, tutored by

Regulars - Please tell me if you want an entry reinstated, changed, removed or almost anything else by the Tuesday morning the week before it happens. Thanks. Jeremy T.

Alive In London 6.45pm ......

;

. ..

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The Stranglers. 9 30pm Mortimer BB£2. Over the top surreal comrdy. Today on the Subject of hair. Eurotrash 10.55 pm C4,Jean Paul Gaultier presents a 'the word' style <6**og w th a touch of satire

Contest 199S 8pm The world's most coneen* a ted 3 hours ' w kitsch.

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The Net 8pm BBC2. Better than most look at internet rivalry and;teehrio|pgy. Oufer ' 9pm BBC2^ Controversially bad sci fi remake. The Music Si BBC2. In depth examination of the music industry. The Gunfighter 10.55pm C4 Another fine Western.

••••

frtgljsbness The Ox-Bow Incident 10 30pm C4 Mcr ngful

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Roller Blade Soc 12.15pm Meet at SL for hockey. Motorcycle club 12.45pm weekly meeting. SL. Micro Club 1 pm Meeting. Top floor, Union. Aerobics Class 1.15pm Beg/int( Hoverciub 1.30pm Old Chemistry " Ten Pin Bowling 2.15pm Meet outsrde Aero Eng. Jazz Dance 3.30-5pm Beginner, Southside Gym. Aerobics Class 5pm Step level III. SG.

5-11pm

Legs, turns & bjiT Conservative Soc 1 pm Meeting, SL. Gliding Club 1pm ICU Rag 1.10pm Meeting. Aero 266. Rag Meeting. EL. Jazz Dance 5-6.30pm Aerobics Class 5.30pm Union Dining Hall. Advanced Step level IV. SG. Art classes. CivEng 101. Free Minibus Service Aerobics Class 5.30pm 11.30pm-2am from the Irtterrmd level 3, SG Union.

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Thirty Minute Theatre 2pm. Radio 4 Gruesome .. . . 'radio noir' comedy. , - '• • • Ren & Stimpy Show 7.10pm. BBC2. Tracks 8.30pm BBC2. MMMMM:WWWMMMM^ Fist Of Fun 9pm BBC2-i.ee & Herring test your reading speed. Meat 9.30pm |||^:Foceupto facts pushed under the proverbial mat

...

1030pm BBC2 The Andromeda Strain

Portishead

Places

;

Gliding Club 8.1 5am Gliding Club 8.1 5am Aerobics 12,30pm Lasham Airfield. Come to La shorn Airfield. Come to Body Toning level I. SG. Thurs meeting if if is your Thurs r s your Artsoc 12.30pm first time. first time. . Meeting. UDH. Roller Blade Soc Wargc 1 pm .Exploration Soc 1pm 10.45am. • Meeting. SL (upper). Ramp skating at Brixton Roller Blade Soc 2pm OSC 1-2pm Skate Park. SL. Skating and Hockey in Meeting: Brown cmtty rm. Roller Blade Soc 2pm xHyde Park/Kensington •' Ski Club l-2pm Skating and Hockey in Gdns. SL. Meeting SL (upper). Hyde Park/Kensington Aerobics G a s * 5.30pm Sdns SL Intermediate level 111. SG. • • Tae Kwon Do 8pm Concert 5-7.15 Seif protection. New Any Ability. GH, olympic sport, tutored by Bridge Club 6pm cu rre nt si J^rjirhciddl is?. Rm 345 Huxley.,

Leon ICU Cinema

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Southside Gym

Southside Lounge

UDH

Union Dining Hall

UCH

Union Concert Hal

Ents Lounge

Great Hall

TTR

Table tennis room

Lecture Theatre

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• •

. •• -?v,-;...---.-.:;ry"' Don't panic Careers office is contacting employers. Contact careers after finals. Penultimate yearsSort your life out now - try the new computer in careers. NEBOSH certificates 5 free post grad places for the summer, 26/6/05-7/7 ,.,/95plus revision days. |:^^[oct Safety Unit, 14 Pnnces Gardens exl 19423. :

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The Mrs Merton Show 7pm. BBC2. The misleadingly frail looking Mrs Merton grills guests. Top Gear 8.30pm BBC2. Paul Merlon's Life of Comedy 8.30pm BBCI Odd sketches from

•.. . :

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staff, rut 25 complimentary tickets available from 301 Sherfield. Found - gold necklace Lost in the Union disco. Contact the Sherfield security. This Is a blatant advert for PHOENIX which needs more contributions. Give anything to Marcus Alexander at the Felix office.

immune Merton.

8pm

i^pi-^Pryall 157 Charing G

Regular Event

Labour Club 12.30pm SL upper. Islamic Society 1pm Friday-Prayers. SG.i^x^xi-xiv ICU Rag 1.10pm Rag Meeting. EL. Aerobics Class 5.30pm Advanced Step level IV. SG. Free Minibus Service ;: 11.30pm-2am from the Uniort^:vv;i;xv:.;:-.v:: : :

The Open Mic Award Bust-a-Gut presents five ;^£l i5-SV- Weekly • spectb.fi....... new acts. Compare - v. -, • ' 9pm, £2 Atmosphere til 2am

THURSDAY Cocktail Night

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ciaf from the world's lead ingexpert. EJwtitne door : Onlyii-:;;:::;:!:i:::;::;. : Elixir 9pm-2am A night of banging house & pumping: garage. £1 :

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0171 370 2636

tube, Kensington High St 1.05, 3.55, 6.45,9.35 t ckets; £ 6 £6,50 before 5pm £3.50

S. Ken tube and men bus 1.10,3.20,5.30 740 tickets; £6, Mon-Fri before 6pm and students £3.50

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Mark Wallinger Serpentine Gallery, h Pork. 0777 402 9075. Trofaigar Square) WC2 Until 11 June. Free, I 0771 3< " ee. think. Horse racing expert Avendon's photography turned artist used a vcS|||| can be described os no ety of media to i ess what • ;•' ' :':.:./\i..; --- '~'• he sees as the innate beauty of the horse. His own horse is insanity rule the images. called 'A Real Work of No where to hide, the porArt'. traits ore /3.si.o!,V;:;.:.

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017) 370 2636

'91720 tube, Hyde Park < >rner

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1.15, 3.35, 6.00,8 30

Notional Portrait Gallery

Gary Hume themes don ... ; .. . . .

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Boys on the Side UCI Whiteleys, Queensway 0171 792 3303 tube; Bayswater; tickets; £5.75, before 3pm Mon-Fri £3.50 Young British Artists IV Saatchi Gallery, 98A Boundary Rd, NWS. 0777 624 8299 til 23 June Thurs-Sun !2-6pm £2.50 Lively energetic colloboration of a dozen new artists. Mainly modern sculpture. Fridges, flashing lights, wax dummies, soft porn, cling film and not a little vita! oddity.

Little Odessa Warner West End 896 0099

0181

tube; Leicester Square 2.30, 4.40, 7.00, 9.10 tickets; £7, Mon-Fri before 5pm £4.00 Andre Masson Mayor, 22a Cork St. Wl.

Suede RAH 21 v £15'12.10 Port! May Teenage Fanclub Shep Bush En 3 June £25/10 DooV June 9 £9 Freak Power Astona lone

Questionnaire - Test your Artistic Quote nt (orAQ).

b) A large potato? c) a place to raze to the ground along with all the sad pretentious tossers within?

b] pickle plums? ••'.v • •' • • •

5} What did Rachel Whiteread do last year? a} cast a house in concrete? b) wm the Turner prize?

c) an inspiration to at-? b) for me rich? a) pretentious tosswan kbollocks?

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07 77 734 3558. til 31 May

Masson was a founder cubist, yet his work lacks the harsh angular feel of Picasso He later became interested m the .

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1.40, 4.10, 7.10, 9.40 tickets; £6, Mon-Fri before 6pm and students £3.50

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esEtipttifmpire 27 May £12/10 Jesu A Mary Chain Shep Bu ££8,50 Strangiers Shep Bush Empire : lune 11? 50 Sonny I ked Mean Fiddler June 9 £10 Pav, Uur + Boo Radleys + Sparks + Dodgy Mile End June 17 £,

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fit gjros while they fulfil ......

3: Was Picasso: a) a cubist? b) a square? c) a pretentious tosswankbollockmeisterZ 4: Is the Tate a) a gallery?

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ced for and on boharf of Imperial College Union Publications Board. It is printed by the Imperial College Union Print Unit, Prince andon SW7 2BB (Tal 0171 594 r )72. Fax: 0171 589 4942). Editor: Owain Bennallack. Copyright F E L I X 1995. ISSN 1040-0711

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club spent many an engaging hour indulging i n their hobby." y Under the influence of alcohol. Example: "The newly-elected Deputy President was unavailable for comment due to his chemically inconvenienced state." y Psychologically disturbed; crazy. "The best rugby players tend to be emotionally different, claimed the coach." y Bald. Example: "Trevor was often mistakenly assumed to be follicularly challenged after the head-shaving night." s History. Example: "Imperial has a fine his ' n ' hersory of amusing bar games." d A person, especially a student, who knows absolutely nothing about a given subject. Example: " O n the subject of cricket, Julian is a knowledge-based nonposessor." commented David, observing Julian's use of a golf-club on the field.

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