Vol. 3 Issue 18 by The Runner

THE VOL. 03 ISSUE 18 04.05.2011 THE FOOD ISSUE

BEST EATS WE EXPLORE VANCOUVER’S BEST CUISINE AND GIVE YOU LESSONS ON HOW TO DIY AT HOME.

NEWS AND CULTURE FOR THE STUDENTS OF KWANTLEN POLYTECHNIC UNIVERSITY

EDITORIAL

page two | April 05 2011 | vol. 3 issue 18

The Runner | www.runnerrag.ca

FEDERAL ELECTION

The mudslinging begins in earnest: #elxn41

The Runner is student owned and operated by Kwantlen Polytechnic University students, published under Polytechnic Ink Publishing Society. Vol. 3, Issue no. 18 April, 05 2011 ISSN# 1916-8241 Arbutus 3710/3720 12666 76 Ave. Surrey, B.C. V3W 2M8 www.runnerrag.ca 778-565-3801

EDITORIAL DIVISION: Co-ordinating Editor (interim) Jeff Groat editor@runnerrag.ca 778-565-3803 COURTESY MICHAEL IGNATIEFF FLICKR

JEFF GROAT COORDINATING EDITOR

The gloves are off and the rhetoric is in high gear as Canada’s 41st general election kicked off last week. But compared to the high energy of the campaign trail, the prospect of another six-week-long election cycle has voters looking a little under-the-weather. Already, Prime Minister Harper has been pounding away on the threat a coalition led by Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff and including Quebec separatists poses to Canada’s future. Harps also challenged Iggy to a oneon-one debate between the PM and “the leader of the coalition.” Iggy said sure thing and Harper had secondthoughts, saying he’s too busy campaigning to campaign. Never mind the fact that journalists aren’t allowed to ask Harper about his own previous flirtations with a Bloc-inclusive coali-

COURTESY GREENCOLANDER FLICKR

tion in 2004. First: Harper. His government has effectively been found in contempt of parliament over not fully disclosing the true cost of the F-35 fighter jet program as well as the decision to build more jails and imprison more Canadians. He takes credit for economic oversights that he opposed when he was leader of the opposition. He pretends to be the champion of small-government, low-spending while dropping a billion dollars on security at the G8/G20 conferences, building more prisons while crime rates drop as fast as his corporate tax rates. He creates Americanstyle attack ads that trivialize Canada’s political system and belittle voters who don’t fully believe in his Harperisms. His micro-managerial style means that any opposition within his own cabinet is silenced and gagged as much as the journalists who have had their ability to report on cabinet taken away.

Ignatieff is no saint either. He left Canada to take a job as an American academic, he supported the invasion of Iraq and he only came back to Canada as a blatant opportunist seeking the country’s highest government seat. Don’t forget that he also referred to America as “my country,” and he wouldn’t hesitate to bastardize democracy in this country and form a coalition with the Bloc separatists. Wait a second. Harper sings a Beatles song which references smoking pot and we all chuckle a little and believe that he would never, ever. Somehow, we have all fallen under the spell of the Harper media-machine which has made a science of hijacking reasonable, logical political discourse for partisan gain. As much as the turnout sags on election day, Harper can pursue his agenda as people no longer care to pay attention. Bust out the clothes-pins, it’s going to be a messy, stinky election.

Culture Editor Kristi Alexandra culture@runnerrag.ca 778-565-3804 News Editors (interim) Matt DiMera Kyle Benning news@runnerrag.ca 778-565-3805 Production Editor Cat Yelizarov production@runnerrag.ca 778-565-3806 Media Editor Matt Law media@runnerrag.ca 778-565-3806

BUREAU CHIEFS: Campus News / Vacant Creative Arts / Chris Yee Environmental / Catherine Thompson

VEGETARIANISM

Graphics / Antonio Su

Vegetarianism

Health & Lifestyle / (Vacant) Political Affairs / Paul Li Sports / (Vacant)

NAY

YAY I

CATHARINE THOMPSON ENVIRONMENTAL BUREAU CHIEF

I don’t eat meat. No succulent salmon, steaks, veal, ostrich or baby seal for me. It’s not because animals are so irresistibly cute (which they are), it’s because eating meat is one of many ways I can reduce my environmental footprint. How so? Consider this, according to John Robbin’s Food Revolution you save more water by not eating a pound of beef than you do by not showering for an entire year. I’ll take the showers over meat any day. Animal agriculture, like most agriculture, demands a lot of water, an often quoted figure is that a totally vegetarian diet requires only 1,100 litres of water per day; a meat-eating diet requires more than 15,000 litres of water per day. How much is 15,000 litres? Well, the average car can hold about 5060 litres of gas so 15,000 litres of

gas would fill up your car 250 times. Animal agriculture also is a land hog; one study found that meat protein production requires 10 per cent more land than plant-protein production. Not to mention grain is needed to feed said animals, the soil erosion caused by animal agriculture and the unappetizing manure that seeps into water systems. I’m not saying you need to immediately join us vegetarians and say sayonara to your beloved burgers. But as a society we need to get smart about our diets and if not adopt a vegetarian diet, than settle for a vegetarian mindset. If you’re looking to lower your impact, look to your diet. Eat less meat, eat sustainable meat and try to make it local. There are several organic meat suppliers around the Lower Mainland. If all else fails, just join the dark side already and become a veg-head, we have lentils.

JARED VAILLANCOURT CONTRIBUTOR

I've got nothing against vegetarians; they're regular people who just so happen to take exception to what goes into their diet. They aren't the ones I'm arguing against. What I do have an issue with is the idea of vegetarianism itself. Humans are omnivorous by nature, and have evolved over the eons to need to be omnivorous in order to stay healthy and strong. Meat contains numerous proteins that plant tissue simply can't compete with. Sure, you could buy protein tablets or powder to put into your meatless dishes, but it's not going to give your body the same nutrients and amino acids as a plate of chicken. What I'm saying is this: if you're a vegetarian or a militant

vegan and happy about it, then fine, but if you're one of those teetering on the edge of vegetarianism then don't fall off into the green abyss. There's nothing unethical about killing animals for food (and just so we're clear, humans aren't animals) just as there's nothing unethical about killing plants for food (yes, plants are alive, too). Also, meaty foods taste delicious and can give even the most palettepleasing veggie dish a real run for its money. But ultimately the choice is up to you. What you choose to put into your body is something you as a university student have complete and total autonomy over. If you do choose to become a vegetarian out of respect for the animals, then I can respect you; but if you do see the benefits of a meat-friendly diet, then all the more power to you.

CONTRIBUTORS: Josh Saggau, Lucas Meneses-Skoda, Kimiya Shokoohi, Jared Vaillancourt, Mike Shames, Simon Massey, Roberto Mena, Katrina Pederson, Kari Michaels, Mae Velasco, Matthew Bossons, Brendan Tyndall Cover Art: Kari Gfrerer

BUSINESS DIVISION: Operations Manager, Ads, Classifieds DJ Lam ops@runnerrag.ca 778-688-3797 Office Co-ordinator Victoria Almond office@runnerrag.ca 778-565-3802 Operations Assistant Brittany Tiplady

NEWS & SPORTS

www.runnerrag.ca | The Runner

vol. 3 issue 18 | April 05 2011 | page three

STUDENT POLITICS

Allegations delay board of governor election results Appeal committee to decide if candidate should be disqualified, or if there should be a new election.

Student senate election winners Christopher Girodat, Kari Michaels and Sarah Szendrei bask in their victory. MATT DIMERA/THE RUNNER

MATT DIMERA NEWS EDITOR

The official results of the student Kwantlen Board of Governor (BOG) elections are still unknown this week, as one unnamed candidate is alleged to have broken the rules while campaigning. In the March 2011 online election for two student BOG representatives, Robert Mumford and Keri Van Gerven received the highest amount of votes, with 102 and 98 respectively.

The rules around campaigning in BOG elections are not very detailed, only saying that candidates must engage in “fair play.” In a message posted on myKwantlen, Registrar Robert Hensley said his preliminary investigation has found enough evidence to merit forming an official appeal committee to review the election results. Hensley said the committee will be created as soon as possible and will consist of himself, a Dean, a faculty member, and a student.

The committee will decide if the results should stand, or if the student in question should be disqualified, or if the election should be scrapped and started again.

SENATE RESULTS Three new faces and one old one were elected as the student representatives to Kwantlen’s senate, Tuesday, March 22. Kari Michaels, Christopher Girodat, Sarah Szendrei and Robert Mumford garnered the most votes. From 2008-2010,

Mumford was previously an elected student member of the BOG. Incumbents Derek Robertson and Ken McIntyre did not win re-election, coming in sixth and seventh in a field of seven candidates. Robertson, a three-term student senator and two-time former KSA director of external affairs had been on Senate and its predecessor, the Education Council since 2007. Newly-elected senator Kari Michaels is excited to take office in the Fall and attributes the

results to a lack of engagement from the incumbents. “For one, I didn’t see any campaign material from any of the incumbents,” said Michaels. “I don’t think that [they] talked to students very much when they were on senate.” While senate terms are normally scheduled to begin as of September 1, Sarah Szendrei and Christopher Girodat will take office immediately to fill two vacancies. Michaels, Girodat, Szendrei and Mumford will serve as senators until August 2012.

OFFICIAL RESULTS OF STUDENT ELECTION TO SENATE

UNOFFICIAL RESULTS OF STUDENT ELECTION TO BOARD OF GOVERNORS

Name

Total Votes

E = elected

Name

Total Votes

Christopher Girodat Ken McIntyre Kari Michaels Robert Mumford Nikki Pearce Derek Robertson Sarah Szendrei

114 36 125 79 62 59 81

Christopher Girodat Kassandra Linklater Robert Mena Robert Mumford Nikki Pearce Derek Robertson Jordon Tomblin Keri Van Gerven

64 82 44 102 74 51 23 98

E E

E = elected

FINANCES BRIEFS

KSA revenues rise by $670,000 I

MATT DIMERA NEWS EDITOR

The KSA took in more money in 2010 than ever before, mostly through student fees, according to their recently-released financial audit. The KSA’s revenues increased by 19 per cent from $2.92 million to $3.59 million last year. Gary Wozny, the KSA’s auditor, presented the 2010 audit at the KSA’s annual general meeting, on Wednesday, March 30. The total cost of staff wages and benefits rose to $714,981 from $602,258 in 2009. Wages and stipends for elected officials were up to $192,066. Wozny noted that the KSA’s legal fees were substantial and came in at $141,598.

INCREASES IN 2010 SPENDING

$29,199 Conferences and travel up more than 300 % to $29,119.

$192,066 Elected officials wages up to $192,066

$714,981 Staff wages and benefits up 16 % to $714,981.

OTHER 2010 HIGHLIGHTS ∏ Legal fees and lawyers $141,598 ∏ More spent on bursaries ∏ KSA owed $15,609 in bad debts by Golds Gym ∏ Grassroots cafe lost $15,947

KYLE BENNING NEWS EDITOR

EAGLES NAME NEW WOMEN’S COACH Kwantlen Polytechnic University’s Athletic Department has named Dan Nayebzadeh as the new head coach of the women’s basketball team taking over for rookie coach Matthew McKay. Nayebzadeh is a certified NCCP Level 3 coach , and has had coaching stints with Sutherland Secondary School, BC Titans, U-16 Provincial team for BC Elite and was the assistant coach for the Simon Fraser University Clan. “I am honoured to have been given this opportunity at such

a remarkable institution that cares so deeply for student success both on and off the court,” Nayebzadeh said. The team will hold an identification camp on April 17 at 2 p.m at Kwantlen’s Surrey campus for all female athletes Grade 11 and older.

ASSISTANT COACH POSITION OPEN The Kwantlen Eagles men’s basketball team is currently looking for an assistant coach. The previous assistant coach was Mike McKay, but it looks like the Eagles are looking at changing their entire basketball coaching staff The expected start date is April 25.

SPORTS

page four | April 05 2011 | vol. 3 issue 18

The Runner | www.runnerrag.ca

BASKETBALL

American coach calling defence a priority I

LUCAS MENESES-SKODA CONTRIBUTOR

If you were to ask newly-named coach Stefon Wilson what the number one key to success is going to have to be on the basketball court for the men’s team, he would answer with one word: defense. If you were to ask him what his favourite word is, I bet you’d get the same answer. The American born coach is bringing a new mentality to the Eagles nest, and it goes something along the lines of stressing defense as much as Allen Iverson was “talkin' about practice.” “I really do believe in ‘defense wins games’ and it wins championships,” said Wilson. “And that’s how you’re going to get playing time at Kwantlen University while Coach Wilson’s there. That’s playing defense. We want to be known as a defensive team.” The hiring of Wilson came around six weeks after longtime coach Bernie Love announced his resignation. Although Wilson has only briefly met with his players on various separate occasions, the Detroit native is already stepping into the office with a precise idea of how he wants his boys to be competing come the start of November when the regular season begins. “I know a lot of the guys probably think, you know, ‘Let me show Coach Wilson that I can really score’ and that’s fine, but my number one priority is to stop the other team from scoring.” Wilson joins the Eagles organization after holding an assistant coaching position with the SFU Clan last year when they competed in their first season in the NCAA Division II league, and understands what it takes to compete night in and night out at a high level of basketball. “I really do believe that you have to use that 24-second shot clock to your advantage,” he

said, “and you really have to pressure the ball and make teams make quick, bad decisions.” The young head coach, who was also once a player at Algoma University in Ontario and was named team captain in the 2005-06 and 2006-07 seasons, is a big believer that establishing the defensive game paves the path to a strong, well-rounded performance. “You can’t predict on how you are going to play on the offensive end, but one thing you can bring every night is the effort to the defensive end,” said Wilson. “I mean, if you play defense its going to open up for easy shots on the other end and easy transition baskets.” Another key point that Wilson has identified on his list of priorities is the importance to be able to go out and find new guys that are suitable to the type of squad he is trying to assemble. According to Wilson, it’s the “athletic speed guys that can really create problems for the other team” that he’s looking to stack his roster with. “To be successful at the collegiate level, you have to be able to recruit,” he added. “First thing I’m going to do is see if the current players here fit my type of system, and see what I can go out and recruit, and bring in here to Kwantlen.” It’s been quite a while since the Eagles have been able to scrape together a winning season and really pose a threat in the BCCAA pack, but the new coach has already closed that door. “I know we were only 1-17 last year,” he said, “but I think that if we can turn this into a year-round program and we can put in the time in the off-season, I really do think we can have a really good improvement and try to compete for the conference title.” As for all the Eagles fans that will (hopefully) be in the stands come next season, start getting really good at chanting “DE-FENCE”, because we now know Coach Wilson will be on the sidelines yelling the exact same thing.

Coach Stefon Wilson wants to turn the men's basketball team's fortune around by playing tough defence. Wilson was an assistant coach for the SFU Clan last season. JEFF GROAT/THE RUNNER

BADMINTON

Kwantlen badminton duo makes history I KIMIYA SHOKOOHI

It's one thing to win a national title. It's another to do it with one leg. Ashley Jang, 19, and Jensen Ly, 21, did just that in Sackville, N.B. March 5. The mixed doubles badminton duo fought through a popped knee cap to win Kwantlen Polytechnic University's first national banner. They secured a spot in the university's history, while simultaneously strengthening their partnership. "A lot more trust is built because of this," Jang said. "You just have a better connection after going through something like this." This was the struggle to continue fighting through provincials after Jang cracked her knee. The injury was a re-surfacing problem, which first emerged four years ago. Ever since, she said, it has been taking a hit. From agitations during practices and games, to a blow from a car accident. "My [medial collateral ligament] is really stretched out and my knee pops out of place every time," Jang said, "I have to pop it back into place." This round of trouble came during an early provincial game. Jang went for a hit. She felt her knee fall loose mid-air. She landed. Her foot planted. Her knee cracked. "Before provincials, I was always

hoping 'don't get injured, don't get injured,'" she said. "When I went down, I thought 'oh crap, not again.'" This time, it wasn't as simple as popping her knee back into place. She needed physiotherapy and special care – she needed rest and recovery time. She, and Ly, decided against the latter. There was no time for rest. They were in the heat of provincials, with final qualifiers approaching. "Everyone told me to not play," Jang said. She and Ly "didn't really say anything to each other." "We both sort of knew what each other was thinking," she said. "We knew what we wanted." The duo had competed in doubles badminton last season, but with different partners. Both ended their seasons with their goals unmet. Both set the same goal for next season: to put everything they had into their next shot at national gold – no matter what. "All I could really think about was how I could overcome this," Ly said of the challenge of winning games, despite the injury of his partner. "I was willing to put a lot effort into it. I was willing to do everything." The next five provincials games were on Ly. As the rules of doubles badminton goes, as long as the both players are

on the court, it's fair game. Jang would serve, Ly would play. "In provincials, we were essentially playing one-on-two," Jang said. " I was just standing in the corner, I would see him run around everywhere." "I really wanted to help." Off the court, Jang helped by exercising all avenues of recovery – Chinese healer included. The Chinese healer was crucial to her recovery, Jang said. Especially seeing as the doctor used to work for China's national badminton team. "She's a really small woman but she has a lot of power," Jang said of her doctor who relaxed her muscles by applying heavy force on a pressure point. "She makes everybody cry, even the biggest guys." Back on court, Ly said Jang was helping a lot more than she may have thought. She was helping Ly mentally. "Having seen her will alone, was pretty motivating." Ly said. "To see her will to play though she could hardly walk." "It made me think, 'if she could do it with one leg, it shouldn't be a problem for me with two.'" Ly and Jang fought through provincials, finishing second. They broke into nationals. Ashley's leg was better and they were more determined than ever. They beat the national favourites

from Northern Alberta Institute of Technology in the final round robin match. They entered the final against NAIT, again, as their opponents. "Jensen and I walked on the court really confident, knowing that we were going to take them down," Jang said. "We were both really in the zone." The duo started strong against their opponents weakened by the previous loss. The duo stayed strong. The birdie was on their side for the win after the opposing team made a hit that had Ly accidental rebound with a physical shot to the opponent. From there, NAIT's execution shots deteriorated. "It was actually at that point when their mentality really started breaking down," Ly said. "We took advantage." Jang and Ly won the game. They won in straight sets; the last by a ninepoint margin. "When we won, Jensen and I didn't say anything to each other," Jang said. "We looked at each other and shook hands." "Some things we just don't need to say," Ly said. "We both knew what was going through each other's mind." Years worth of practice. A year of preparation. A significant injury to overcome. A goal finally met. "We felt really, I don't know what the right word is, we just felt really," Jang paused,"– happy."

SPORTS

www.runnerrag.ca | The Runner

vol. 3 issue 18 | April 05 2011 | page ﬁve

ATHLETIC AWARDS

Banquet didn’t fully recognize national champions The Eagles held their athletic banquet, but failed to really recognize the accomplishments of the mixed doubles badminton team.

JOSH SAGGAU/THE RUNNER

JOSH SAGGAU CONTRIBUTOR

The 2010-’11 athletics season had ups and downs for the Kwantlen Eagles. On March 28, Kwantlen honoured the successes and quietly swept the disgraces under the rug at the Athletics Awards Banquet. The night began with some slideshows from the season before dinner got under way, and after dinner there were some kind words from keynote speaker Peter Fewing, former men’s soccer head coach at Seattle University. Fewing spoke adamantly about representing the school proudly and never giving up, but his words fell on deaf ears. After all, only the women’s soccer team and the badminton teams had any

kind of success this season. When the awards finally were presented, they were filled with cheesy jokes from the hosts and everyone laughed when they were supposed to, but no one thought they were funny. The winners looked like they didn’t want to be there, except for the women’s soccer team who took home the majority of the awards handed out. Third-year defender Brittany McNeill from North Delta was the undisputed queen of the awards ceremonies. McNeill was selected to the BCCAA first all-star team for her outstanding performance this year, along with midfielder Shanay Sangha and goalkeeper Melina Gomez. McNeill also received the BCCAA Academic Excellence Award, the President’s Award of Distinction and the

SIRC Academic All Canadian Award. “I’m obviously really excited about it. I wasn’t expecting it but it’s really nice to be nominated for all these awards,” said McNeill. While McNeill made her repeated trips to the stage, the men’s basketball team sat front and centre. No one made any mention that the men’s basketball team, men’s soccer team and women’s basketball team combined for just two wins all year. The ceremony also seemed to take very little interest in the national championship won by Jensen Ly and Ashley Jang in badminton mixed doubles. Badminton might not get the same respect as soccer or basketball, but the national championship was the first for Kwantlen in its history and deserved more recognition.

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JOSH SAGGAU CONTRIBUTOR

The KSA hosted their second annual March Madness basketball tournament on Friday, March 25, and organizers were very happy with the results. “We were very pleased with the turn out,” said John Stewart, recreation events coordinator. “We actually had some fans, which was amazing too.” With a $20 per team buy in, and all money going to the Right To Play charity, the event had 11 teams split between two divisions. “We could have had two other teams that came the day of and wanted to sign up, but we just didn’t have enough gym space and time to accommodate them.” In the advanced division, it was the Randy Nohr 2Steppers taking home the championship over the Fantastic 4, while in the intermediate division, the Slaughterhouse took down The Sikh Three for the first place finish. Stewart said the competition was stiff, and the success is encouraging to organizers “Last year was the first year of this tournament, but it was under a different name. We changed it to try to go with the March Madness theme. We had 7 teams last year so we had some growth this year to 11 teams and it’s something we plan on running every year from here on out.” The tournament raised $220 for the charity.

page six | April 05 2011 | vol. 3 issue 18

CHOCOLATE

CULTURE

The Runner | www.runnerrag.ca

RESTAURANT REVIEW

PUB

Chocolate making class like arts & crafts for adults I

Fair priced fare at the Lennox Pub? I

MATTHEW BOSSONS CONTRIBUTOR

MAE VELASCO CONTRIBUTOR

ave you ever wanted to try and make chocolate? Look no further than CocoaNymph Chocolates and Confections at 3739 W. 10th Avenue (at Alma) Vancouver. Not only will you experience a chocolate class, but a tasting of chocolates from all over the world. Truly delicious, I tell you. I had so much fun making my chocolate from a regular squared piece to all shapes and sizes. I even dipped my chocolate in hot chocolate sauce and then froze it in the fridge. There were toppings like hazelnuts and a topping with a different colour that I can’t even remember its name. The topping designs were pretty cool, too. I didn’t know how creative I could be with chocolate. The guy across from me even made Pac-Man with this chocolate. I felt like I was in kindergarten all over again. I was playing around with shapes and deciding what would look good with my chocolate. Definitely a creative class I must say. If you want to make the biggest piece ever, by all means go ahead. If you want to make small pieces and save them for weeks, go for it. My hands were dirty with rich, creamy chocolate that I was so tempted to lick my hands. After all the hard work, you receive a box to put in with your chocolate and tissue paper. Amazing chocolate. I was eating this after and wow! I did a pretty good job. This was an awesome, yummy truffle chocolate.

3.5/5 FORKS

S KIMIYA SHOKOOHI/THE RUNNER

Kabab

a king

I KIMIYA SHOKOOHI

4/5 FORKS RATING

MAE VELASCO/THE RUNNER

ﬁt for

t’s not much of a secret–Persian people like their kababs. Also not a secret: North Vancouver is British Columbia’s Persian cuisine capital. Sprinkled amongst the big boys – the McDonalds, the Wendys, the Subways – are the self-starter Persian community restaurants calling the mountain-cozy suburb home. A fairly new addition to the North Van restaurant scene is an unobtrusive and almost shy eatery serving up dishes that has North Van buzzing about this new-guy-on-block’s quiet confidence. Situated right on the curve of Lonsdale Avenue, around the corner from a that’s-solast-year Nando’s, resides the appropriately titled Lonsdale Kabab Persian Restaurant. Its name, whether appro-

priate or perhaps predictable, hints the place you’re about to walk into is going to be all about its kababs. If that doesn’t tip you off, the menu will. From lamb kabab, filet kabab, chicken kabab, to kabab favourite ground beef kabab – which locals call ‘koobideh’. kababs adorn the majority, if not all, of the menu. The restaurants website even claims “the kabab is king.” Whatever your selection, the restaurant arouses restauranteurs appetites with a complimentary home-made split-pea soup. During the approximately 15-minute wait time, the small, square-shaped restaurant warms eaters with its roasted red walls. It entertains them with large mirrors bearing images of ancient Persian lions, figures and temples. Then comes the good part. Kabab. In this particular instance, the Soltani kabab. The large plate is delivered with two ‘babs with its skewers removed – one chicken, one ground beef. These plate show-stealers buddy-up with caspian rice, flavoured with sweet saffron. One bite into the ground

beef. One bite into the chicken. The eyes roll, and the glutinous groan makes its statement: yum. The grilled kababs melts in your mouth. Its spices mix with a buttery decadence that dances a ballroom waltz with your taste-buds. This place has got this kabab thing down. The line out the door proves it. The reasonably priced plates improve it. In part, what makes Lonsdale Kabab king is also what makes it jester. The humble-effect of its small space creates a certain-kind of unnerving tension. The tables are too close, giving a somewhat awkward feng shui to the restaurant. However, the food speaks for itself. And with a voice this loud, a relocation or expansion may be considered by its owners soon enough. Kingsway Kabab would be a much more appropriate title, anyway. Lonsdale Kabab is the North Vancouver Persian restaurant that has locals falling for the underdog. It’s true to its roots, and it doesn’t cut corners. Its confidence lies in its food. Its secret, in its culture. Lonsdale Kabab is making clear the reason as to why it is Persians like their kababs.

ituated on the corner of Granville and Robson, The Lennox Pub is located in heart of downtown Vancouver. Clearly modelled after your stereotypical Irish pub, and serving your stereotypical pub food, there is a distinct Celtic feel to this establishment. The food is priced reasonably for downtown, and the Lennox offers a wide range of drink options for the thirsty patron. Service is prompt, and seating is clearly not an issue, despite looking small from the outside the pub has 3 floors and an outdoor patio. Food options range from classics like french onion soup, beer-batter fish and chips, burgers and roast beef dip to numerous pasta and seafood dishes. There is also a breakfast section on the menu offering a variety of breakfast dishes and specials. Service is prompt and professional, and judging by the number of happily eating customers – they are doing something right. I had the BBQ Burger, which is served open faced with applewood smoked cheddar, lettuce, red onions, a pickle and a tomato on a toasted bun. The burger also came with your choice of fries, soup or a garden salad. I chose the creamy tomato vegetable soup, which was almost as delicious as the burger and a nice change from french fries. The Lennox is a good place to grab a bite to eat – no argument there, and its comprehensive drink menu has something for even the most adventurous booze hound; although the lack of a debit card machine is defiantly an annoyance. For two pints of domestic beer, and the BBQ burger and soup my bill came to $30, both my companions had similar totals, although they ate different items on the menu.

CULTURE

www.runnerrag.ca | The Runner

vol. 3 issue 18 | April 05 2011 | page seven

FLIKR CREATIVE COMMONS

COURTESY OF MELISSA FRASER

RECIPES

eppe ed P

ken. SON Chic d EDER e l Fil INA P KATR IBUTOR TR CON

• • • • •

1 Carton of Strawberries Fresh Basil Ground Black Pepper Balsamic Vinegar White Sugar

JEFF GROAT COORDINATING EDITOR

Start by removing the tops of about 10-20 strawberries, depending on how much you want to eat. Slice them as thin as you can, about the thickness of a toonie – a sharp knife helps. Chiffonade the basil. A chiffonade results in long, thin strips and is useful to cut leafy herbs that might turn to mush if you tried to slice them flat. To do it, stack a bunch of leaves on top of each other and roll them up like a cigar as tight as you can, then slice them on an angle. Toss in a bowl with the berries. Pour a few dashes of balsamic vinegar on the berries – you just need enough to cover them, so not much more than a tablespoon or two. Add about a tablespoon of fresh ground pepper. The peppery heat works very well with the sweetness of the berries and the basil, and the tartness of the vinegar. Finally, sprinkle a touch of sugar on.

FLI

EAT

IVE

dR aste d Ro n a e l s ve Oi chok Heart in Oli Arti g r i V choke i a t r r t A x sp E nion ated • 3 tb up Red O red Marin ers c p e p t 2 r e • 1/ up Qua d Red P wiss c e t 4 s / e or S a 3 s o k • e c R cook. e a l p h C cu r, B tes to u n i • 1/2 sp Peppe an Grated t m s s t e 20 bowl. • 1/2 up Parme icken Brea g ill tak w c d h edium 2-inch-lon n 4 a m e n l • 1/ z Fresh C i p t g o u t n e l i c p ith sa time, eason ely 4 • 32 o and s reast at a chicken w eat. Add ximat , o r s r p e p . p e h b a l 375°F high erve . cken d pep prink Will s t oven to heese, re with 1 chi breast. S illet over t to oven a k c le n e s l , g i e h f s k n k i e o e s c r k i k o r r P r of ch d wo venp rticho ansfe Mix a a knife an nto 1 side vy large o n over; tr . i e s a Using rizontally t oil in he urn chick 5 minute 1 .T o slit h epper. Hea minutes about 125 , p h 3 g d k u n a ro oo en; c ed th chick ntil cook u Bake

Strawberries with Basil and Black Pepper.

The West’s Best Banana Bread.

KARI MICHAELS/THE RUNNER

eans hat m at t d n a h arlic ope t ” y to g n up all h he day I mus g r e m l l u da you “H til t give tty ba es. I had again un mple and ndly e r e i p r a F p ti si have ed di s par pire pe is Vam en to ol hummu ickpea bas . This reci p p a Ih ay co ch n aw imer: joy a ll the Discla t out at a able to en was blow you want. S f d HAEL I’m le d ever be a party an e spice as I MIC OR R A K l T l RIBU I wou his dip at or as litt CONT t h ) r tried d as muc te d th wa can a s (wi a e p k Chic an of f e • 1 C up Basil can o C n Juic a 1/2 bowl • 1/4 bsp Lemo Sauce r t x e T t sized r to an • 1-2 bsp of Ho Sauce T y dd up a medium igerate fo o a 2 e ( S t 1 s f n a o • a r into r to t . Refr Tbsp the c from y dip. Pou nt to taste ita bread. • 2-3 and Peppe r e t a e e t di as or p ew • Salt ith th ) into a p f any ingre illa chips w s a t y o pe nc tor more chick with nsiste Blend ter for co nings. Add Pairs well a tap w ir in seaso mediately. t s d n a rve im or se r late

• 1 and 1/2 Cups Sugar • 3 Eggs • 3/4 Cup Oil • 2 Cups Flour • 2 Tsp Baking Soda • 1/2 Tsp Salt • 1 Tsp. Cinnamon • 1 Tsp. Allspice • 2 Cups Mashed Bananas

LUCAS MENESES-SKODA CONTRIBUTOR

Set oven at 350°F. Grease and flour a bundt pan or two 8”x4”x3” loaf pans. Beat sugar and eggs until creamy. Mix in oil. Sift flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon and allspice. Add to creamed mixture. Mix in bananas (& chocolate chips optional). Pour into bundt pan and bake for 1 hour or until done. Turn out of pan when cool. So moist, you won’t need butter.

Indo

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FLIKR CREATIVE COMMONS

page eight | April 05 2011 | vol. 3 issue 18

CULTURE

The Runner | www.runnerrag.ca

MUSIC

OPINION

Vinyl Dust-Off: Morrison Hotel (1969) Lliam Easterbrook–sonic archaeologist–brings you his latest finds from excursions into ancient record bins. Every week, only on Vinyl Dust-Off.

LLIAM EASTERBROOK CONTRIBUTOR

969 saw the Doors thighdeep in the mire of an obscenity trial. Jim Morrison, the iconic, enigmatic, and Dionysian front man of the legendary quartet, allegedly whipped out his cock at a show in Miami, and then pretended to fellate guitarist Robbie Krieger during a guitar solo. A riot broke out in the stadium, people danced, people got naked, people got high—really, really high—there was a sheep on the stage at one point, and when the concert ended abruptly everybody went home, some with bitter and distraught tastes in their mouths. Some months later Morrison was surprised with a lawsuit against his so-called indecent behavior that night, and a subsequent trial regarding the obscenity of his actions was to begin in the coming months. Already notorious for his avantgarde and taboo live acts, not to mention his clear disdain for authority of any kind, Morrison’s alleged antics that night changed the face of the Doors from a rebellious rock/blues band to a full-fledged public enemy and scapegoat for the conservative powers-that-be against the rising counter-culture. Released the following year (1970), Morrison Hotel is very much a back-to-basics Doors album. It is Morrison’s album. Although the song credits all

go to the Doors, the thematic concerns of the album reveal small glimpses into Morrison’s psyche. In listening to Morrison Hotel, the listener enters the many minds of Jim Morrison. Each song is a room in the hotel, and each room is a glimmer of one of those minds. The lack of stoppages between certain tracks can be seen as a fluid transition from one room to the next. Gone are the string and brass sections; the grandiose

experimentation of 1969’s The Soft Parade—the Doors answer to the Beatles’ Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band; what’s left on Morrison Hotel is a bluesy, rootsy sound: It’s the Doors stripped down. Here they rock out; get on the road; sing sea shanties, and take a much more corporeal lyrical approach. Although the album spawned no “hits” at the time, many songs have strongly stood the test of time by becoming some of the Doors’ finest

and most enduring: “Roadhouse Blues,” “Waiting for the Sun,” “Peace Frog,” and “The Spy” still see regular radio rotation today on most classic rock stations as well as a few of the liberal, era-inclusive modern rock stations. The album was quickly lauded by fans and critics alike, which was the first time such a consensus established itself for the Doors since their second album, 1967’s darkly psychedelic Strange Days. From the gritty hard-rock punch of “Roadhouse Blues” to the willowy tenderness of “Indian Summer” Morrison Hotel delivers (musically) in a myriad of varied, yet straightforward ways. But when Morrison croons “this is the strangest life I’ve ever known” on the track “Waiting for the Sun,” we believe him. We want to follow, know what he knows, enter ethereal realms he has entered, and we want to see the strange. When the Doors are good, it’s because Morrison is ostentatiously bad; and if the Doors are bad, it’s because you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. And when you’re done your stay at the Morrison Hotel, you’ll find Jim Morrison downstairs, in the bar, sipping on a cold one: “Well I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer/ The future’s uncertain and the end is always near,” he might say. Play it loud. Play it proud.

FILM

E.T. doesn’t phone home, he sends a text I

MIKE SHAMES CONTRIBUTOR

hen I went to see “Paul” I knew it was going to be funny, it was just a question if it was going to make me giggle or roll on the floor, unable to breathe. It is written by my favourite duo and stars them too: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. This is the team that gave us the romantic zombie comedy Shawn of the Dead and the British police spoof Hot Fuzz which had many laughing to tears. It’s been a while since they gave us something new and fortunately they return with the same force as a Jedi Master. This movie was in the making for many years. The friendship between Pegg and Frost started with their love of Star Wars. As a result they wrote a movie as a homage to all the greatest science fiction movies and add the all American classic road trip films with a dash of conspiracy flicks for flavour. And combined with British wit, it’s a winning recipe. The movie revolves around two friends, Graeme Willy (Simon Pegg) and Clive Gollings (Nick Frost), who are fulfilling a dream to attend Comic-Con and visit places like Area 51. Except

they get sidetracked by an alien, named Paul. Paul is voice by Seth Rogen. Paul is vulgar, rude and on the run. Graeme and Clive help Paul evade government agents and have numerous encounters of the stranger kinds of people an American road trip offers. Pegg and Frost are in their element as two nerds out to have the adventure they have always dreamt of. As visitors from the United Kingdoms they are the proverbial fish-out-of-

water. Americans either don’t understand their behaviour or are fascinated by them. They are clueless as they pass through some of the most conservative parts of the USA. This gets them into all sorts of trouble, especially after meeting Paul. I think these roles come very naturally to Pegg and Frost as they are both huge nerds anyways. They stumble and bungle at the right places, and being some of the usual nerd traits to life. They piss off rednecks, freeze when talking to girls, and can speak Klingon. As individual characters though it’s hard to separate the two as they are so similar. Pegg’s character is aspiring sci-fi artist, and Frost is a would be sci-fi writer waiting for a break. Paul is their exact opposite. He’s in many ways more human than they are, and more comfortable with human/American customs. He drinks, chain smokes, and at times rude, in the stereotypical American way. But it’s time for him to head elsewhere and after crashing a car, he enlists Pegg and Frost to help him. Seth Rogen is not one of my favourite comedians, it’s mostly due to overexposure that has sapped his appeal. As for Paul, well Rogen is basically the same character he always is, and

recycles the same old jokes. But it’s the context of the alien character looking at us as if we’re the strange ones that saves the role. For all the terror we associate with aliens, he’s far more accepting than most humans. Also Rogen plays off the moronic nature of two uptight, repressed nerds. I will admit, there is more to Paul then I originally thought. This movie references so many of the sci-si classics, Star Wars, E.T., Close Encounters, Total Recall, and a few other genres too. This movie showed me how much of a nerd I really am. Throughout the movie I was giggling at the small references to these and other movies. At the big jokes I was howling with laughter. But it’s the little references to movies and current nerd culture that really made this movie worthwhile. If you are not a huge sci-fi fan you won’t get the full experience. I went with a friend who is not a sci-fi fan. He enjoyed the movie, but he missed many of the things I was splitting my gut on. So this is a good movie for non-nerds, but sic-fi nerds, you will love this movie. It’s a celebration of everything sci-fi, and some of the icons that built the genre. And you will be rolling around trying to breathe.

Songs selling products I

BRENDAN TYNDALL CONTRIBUTOR

sually while I’m watching television and its time for a commercial break, I change the channel or go do something else in attempt to tune it out. However, recently I heard something on the television that I could not ignore: the bridge section of the Black Keys’ recent hit “Tighten Up” spewing from my speakers, its pulsating garage-blues riffs inviting me to listen more closely. Being a fan of the band I looked up. When I did, I was confronted with an image of some unseen entity pouring a pale, bubbly liquid seductively into a glass in ultraslow motion. The ad was for Molson’s new product M, which is, according the ad, “a microcarbonated lager.” The Black Keys have helped sell everything from Budweiser, Subaru, American Express, to what is perhaps the strangest one I’ve seen: Zales diamonds. Nothing says rock’n’roll like diamond earrings (unless you happen to be David Bowie). I’ve lost count of the Keys’ songs I’ve heard in various movies, video games and television shows. Using rock music to sell products is certainly not a new phenomenon. Michael Jackson famously licensed a large portion of Lennon/McCartney songs, which he owned the rights to at the time, to use in commercials a few decades ago (somehow I don’t think the revolution John was talking about had much to do with Nike). I remember being mildly disturbed when I heard a Wilco song in an ad for Volkswagon a few years back. Then there’s that ad for Call of Duty that uses the Stones’ “Gimme Shelter.” The irony of using one of the great anti-Vietnam protest songs in order to sell some freakishly realistic war video is not lost on me. The artists’ defence on selling their music to advertisers is that in an age when not many people actually buy records anymore, preferring to pirate them from internet, the only way a band can make any money is to license their music out to commercials. This way their music will get heard by more people, and perhaps more people will buy the record. The problem with this is the whole thing is getting out of hand. The line must be drawn somewhere. When considering selling a song to an advertising firm, musicians should remember that Neil Young song from the 80s, “This Note’s For You.” He sings: “Ain’t singin’ for Pepsi/ Ain’t singin’ for Coke/ I don’t sing for nobody/ Makes me look like a joke.” Indeed it does Neil, indeed it does.

www.runnerrag.ca | The Runner

CULTURE & CREATIVE

vol. 3 issue 18 | April 05 2011 | page nine

TALENT

FILM

Kwantlen’s Got Talent: Cinesthesia

Cody Lecoy I

KRISTI ALEXANDRA CULTURE EDITOR

hen a Kwantlen art instructor recommended that Cody Lecoy apply to the YVR Art Foundation’s annual scholarship, he took it to heart. The 21-year-old fine arts major, whose main area of expertise is acrylic painting, took the opportunity to engage in the airport’s program—one that inevitably increases exposure for young aboriginal artists and facilitates education and mentorships. After creating a proposal for a large painting to be shown in the airport, Lecoy was granted $5,000 to complete the work within a year. “For this particular proposal, it incorporates Northwest Coast design,” he says of the planned painting. “I’m looking to create a fusion of the two styles I’m learning at school—which are more traditional methods of landscape, portraiture-kind of painting. I’m trying to find out my own style within Northwest Coast design.” The ever-humble Lecoy is slow to assert that he knows exactly what he’s doing, but he maintains that this particular opportunity is starting to solidify his career as an artist.

“I had a general idea of what I wanted to get across,” he says, alluding to the anticipated eight-by-four painting for the airport. “I’m still working with it, I don’t have a concrete plan yet.” The young artist is also incredibly receptive to guidance, showing an eagerness to learn from the pros when he says, “I’ll be working under a mentor for a year, who’s a pretty well established artist in Vancouver—Lawrence Paul. He has similar style to what I do. I’m really excited to work with him and bounce ideas off of him, and it’ll help me to find where I’m going with my painting.” From Penticton, Lecoy was originally drawn to Kwantlen to pursue baseball. Realizing that his true passion was painting, he continued in the Bachelor of Fine Arts program. Now, the artist is in his third year of the program with some impressive successes under his belt—aside from being selected winner for the 2011 YVR Art Foundation’s annual scholarship, he’s also one of the initial members of the Kwantlen Arts Collective, a student group of about 15 who put on their own art shows and provide support for fellow student artists.

does The Right Thing I ROBERTO MENA

inesthesia, Kwantlen’s film society held a screening of the seminal film “Do the Right Thing” last Monday. The film, directed and starring Spike Lee, deals with issues such as race, class, and the tension between the various ethnic groups that was prominent during the 80s and 90s, and that still exists today. The discussion that followed the film was one of the best and open discussions that Cinesthesia has had, and many seemingly taboo topics were discussed in an honest, welcoming environment and were related to the local Surrey community and the post Obama world. Cinesthesia would like to invite Kwantlen student’s to its next screening on Apr. 11 at 7:00 p.m., for the documentary Inside Job, about the 2007-2010 financial crisis directed by Charles H. Ferguson. Inside Job is a movie that has sparked much debate among fans this year, and is sure to do the same at the screening as the society will discuss where the blame should go for the financial crisis and what could be done to prevent it from occurring again.

MICROFICTION

The Society of Welshmen Against Knit Cardigans I SIMON MASSEY

efore we had even called to order the September meeting of the Society of Welshmen Against Knit Cardigans it was evident that we would have to change our name. It had been somewhere around 30 years ago in the 127 year history of our society that we had reconciled our differences with knit cardigans, and our members generally agreed they were actually quite nice. In fact, three of the members currently in attendance were even sporting knit cardigans. The good fortune of this particular meeting was the absence of our two name change holdouts, Percival and Alfred. Percival was entrenched in the ideas of history and historical preservation and a firm believer that anything more than five years old should never change its name. Alfred was our only member of even remote Welsh descent and therefore would have attempted to halt any motion to remove Welshmen from the name of the society. Alfred’s preferred method of filibustering motions he opposed was to hold his breath until he quite literally turned purple in the face, forcing us to adjourn the meeting in order to find him medical assistance. He had successfully employed this

strategy on two occasions. The first to block a motion to cease validating members’ parking even though he was the only one who drove to meetings and secondly to cancel a motion removing the requirement for all written propositions brought up at meetings to capitalize the first letter of each word in the title. Having taken note of Percival and Alfred’s absence we immediately began deciding on a new name. Jeremy suggested our name should be politically charged as all societies worth their salt had a political agenda. Abernathy suggested that our name should state the current times we live in, in order to make us seem more relevant. Wilfred thought we should take a strong position on culture as all good societies these days promoted culture. Archibald agreed and insisted we state it doubly so that no one could mistake how culturally motivated we were. In a rare moment of coherence Clarence, who had admirably managed to remain cripplingly drunk for the last four years, expressed his distaste that he was frequently chastised for drinking on the sidewalk and suggested we add something to our name to promote such an action. None of us were happy about it but we begrudg-

ingly obliged as he held the most seniority. Luckily Theodore suggested we simply take a stance on preserving traditional liberties and assured Clarence that it would cover his suggestion. Clarence at this point was busy being violently ill into a nearby garbage can, so we took his lack of objection as a go ahead and proceeded on with the meeting. The last member to speak, Thomas, was adamant that we be against something. I suggested that as we were an old and established society we should be opposed to the dismantlement of old and established things to which the others

wholeheartedly agreed. As everyone had given their input and Clarence had finished emptying his stomach we then gave the floor to Nelson, who had been taking down our suggestions, to create and announce our new name. Nelson was a man who could rightfully be accused of an overzealous use of what he believed to be socio-political jargon and buzz words as well as a tendency to do slowly anything he believed had great significance, as he thought this created an essential air of anticipation. Therefore, it was only after some considerable and needless rummaging through the papers on his table

that he finally stood up and stated that; “After weighing our various convictions I conclude that we should hereafter be named The Antidisestablishmentarian Society For The Preservation Of Culture And Traditional Freedoms To Combat Countercultural And Pseudo-Libertarian Ideals In A Post-Industrial Post-Modern Pre-Enlightened Society With Neo-Liberal Proclivities.” Of course none of us had the faintest clue as to what on earth that meant, so we instead decided to go out for lemon soda and make a conscious effort to scowl at anyone younger than we were.

page ten | April 05 2011 | vol. 3 issue 18

CREATIVE

The Runner | www.runnerrag.ca

PHOTOGRAPHY

JEFF GROAT/THE RUNNER

SURREAL

The Red Pioneer I

JARED VAILLANCOURT CONTRIBUTOR

yron knew immediately what his people were to do with Earth. He stepped carefully off of the ramp leading back into the landing craft, his armoured boots meeting hard concrete. Before him, a crowd of police-contained creatures with primitive cameras and microphones watched in awe as the first Vril to set foot on their world paused and took a deep breath. “By the suns,” he whispered, a slow smile crossing his fangs. One of the creatures was walking forwards, his palms up and open. Byron knew this was a display of neutrality; months of surveying this world had shown his team more than he thought even the creatures of this world knew about Earth. He performed their version of a smile, allowing his thin lips to peel back from his neat, dagger-like teeth. The approaching creature hesitated for only a second. “Welcome to our humble planet, Earth,” the creature said, low and slow. Byron turned the rest of his body to face the creature, easily dwarfing the smartly-dressed primitive. “I am the leader of the great nation of England. My name is-” “I know your name,” Byron cooed, spittle dripping down from between his fangs. The Englishman gulped and lowered his hands to straighten his tie. “I have chosen to call myself Byron on your world,” he continued. “My true name is too complex for your lips.” Byron followed this up with a smile. The Englishman gave him a curt nod. “You’ve been watching us,” the leader stated. Byron chuckled and lifted his arms out wide. “I am here on a mission of peace,” Byron proclaimed, trying to decide if it was a lie or not. “You can assure your populace we Vril mean your citizens no harm.” He lowered his arms and offered his hand to the creature. The leader shook it, his tiny grip barely noticeable. When they pulled apart, he examined his gloved claws. “I do say, learning your language was a painstaking endeavour. I’d like to test my... fluency.” He looked back at the Englishman and smiled, noticing the expression on his face as he took in Byron’s opaque goggles and armour. From head to toe, the only scales Byron showed were his lips and throat; the rest was a shiny silver-white shell. The Englishman smiled and offered his arm. “Of course. Our Queen is awaiting your audience.” “I find that most curious,” Byron spoke with a slow deliberation, as though each word were selected from a secret roster. He had seen the technique used on the aliens’ broadcasts to show power in certain

individuals, and merely wanted to establish that he wasn’t one to be trifled with. “You call yourself the leader, and yet you serve a Queen,” he smiled down at the now nervous little creature. “Really, friend, I find that quite amusing.” “Oh thank God,” the leader whispered. Byron decided he hadn’t heard that. “Our Queen is more or less a symbol of our great nation, though if she wanted she could reclaim her old power.” He looked up at Byron and smirked. “It’s quite complicated – perhaps, if you’d like, I could provide you with books on the subject.” Byron allowed his smile to widen past the point the creature could emulate. “Splendid!” he hissed. “I did so enjoy learning of your world from afar – your own recollections would be most... insightful.” He walked with the leader through the crowd, which easily parted as they approached. “In return, I would be more than happy to translate the classic Vril systems of empire. You would find our perspective on the role of the Overlord most cunning, I think.” “I’m looking forward to it,” the Englishman muttered, his amicable facade slowly failing. Byron allowed him to lead them into the square palace before them, the crowd of onlookers beginning to mutter and whisper as their eyes watched the pair ascend the marble steps. Byron looked up and giggled–if only they had scanning goggles and could see the immense ship cloaked right above their city. It was an insurance policy the Vril had become accustomed to paying. Inside, Byron was greeted by files and ranks of neat palace guards, ceremonially lining the ruby red carpet between him and the elderly Queen atop her throne. Byron’s quick glance showed the infrared images of several real guards hiding invisible behind the elaborately decorated walls. He gestured to the brightly coloured imposters. “I see your people are no fools,” he said loud enough to echo, “guarding your Queen even from those who claim to be friends. I am impressed.” “I’m glad to hear it,” the Queen said as she stood up. “Prime Minister. Who is this charming fellow?” “He... calls himself Byron, mum,” the Englishman said quickly. “Might I... well, might I present you to the Queen, mister Byron?” he asked the imposing Vril. Byron cocked his head to one side, his smile never faltering. “But of course,” Byron hissed with a soft bow. “You have protocols to follow. I dare not insult you through... deviation.” He turned and stood as straight as he cared, his claws cupping above his chest.

“Ah-hem,” the Englishman announced, “Presenting Byron, the first Vril to set foot on Earth and Great Britain!” “We are honoured,” the Queen smiled, stepping down to greet Byron halfway down the carpet. “And what, may I ask, brings you to our humble little world?” At this, Byron had to lick the spittle drooling from his open mouth. He looked around the immense room and stretched, keeping his arms below the line of his shoulders. “Why, your species, of course,” Byron said as though speaking about the weather. “We’ve been collecting samples for months now. Your species is quite... how do I put it?” he turned to stare down at the Queen. “Ah. Delectable.” There was a pause that made him start to drool again. The Queen finally said, “I beg your pardon?” “Your people – all of them, not just the Britons,” he said softly, as though speaking to a child. “The components are the same; proteins, carbohydrates... certain nerve tissues,” he hissed, adding a few jocose expletives in whispered Vril. “The ingredients are there... and the taste is quite exquisite.” This captured the full attention of everyone in the room; and around the world, Byron thought as he noticed the cameras not-so-cleverly hidden everywhere. “Are you suggesting you...” the Queen hesitated, her eyes on Byron’s sharp teeth, “... Want to eat us?” At this, Byron threw back his head and laughed. “By the suns, no,” he chuckled. “Not all of you, anyways. Just whomever you could be bothered to spare; say, political dissidents, criminals, the homeless... terrorists...” he took in another deep breath and paused, letting them know he was enjoying the scent. “I do say, we’re both civilized peoples here – not monsters.” The Prime Minister let out a tripe laugh, his hand coming up to point at Byron’s fangs. “Not monsters? This from the man who wants to eat half of London!” “Interrupt again and it will be the whole of London!” Byron hissed quickly, tapping the communicator at his wrist. He allowed his smile to return in force as the sounds of panic accompanied the ship un-cloacking overhead. “Now,” he continued as slowly and deliberately as before, “we Vril are an enlightened people. We don’t roam the galaxy looking to make enemies. Your culture is fascinating – we could be friends!” He knelt down so he was goggleto-eye with the Queen. “For a small fee, of course.” He knew from the look in her eyes he had won; she merely had to admit it. Her resignation took only three whole minutes. “Well, you’ll want to see Scotland Yard, then.”

PROCRASTINATION

www.runnerrag.ca | The Runner

vol. 3 issue 18 | April 05 2011 | page eleven

VARIATION ON THE RULES — ANDREW MCLACHLAN — THE PEAK (SFU)

HOROSCOPE TAURUS Apr. 20 - May 20

The ability to drink milk descends from a mutant gene. Think about that for a second.

LEO July 23 - Aug. 22

Be careful what you say around other people today. This goes doubly for you, Mr. Horoscope writer.

GEMINI May 21 - June 20

VIRGO Aug. 23 -Sept. 22

SCORPIO Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Don’t trust anyone who claims “I just want to be your friend” when meeting you for the ﬁrst time.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

AQUARIUS Jan. 20 - Feb. 19

Look up “Aquarius” by Within Temptation. That chick’s totally into you!

ARIES Mar. 21 - Apr. 19 Take a risk and try listening to some other genre of music. You just might like it.

Buying a fake goatee and telling people you’re your evil twin from the other dimension might be fun.

Invent a new dance. Call it “The Human.” Tell everyone only robots can do it.

CANCER June 21 - July 22

The real enemy is indifference, passivity... and yes, those pesky Reds.

LIBRA Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Consistency is only a virtue if you’re not a screw-up.

RIP-OFF KWANTLEN

Don’t play video games. You’re murdering millions of innocent sprites.

CAPRICORN Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

PISCES Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Don’t look at life as a series of challenges. Look at life as the mountain of victories you’re going to climb.

If your strategy includes wacky gambles, surrender.

THE SMART ZONE

Coast Capital Library

CUP Crossword Across 1- Head and shoulders sculpture; 5- Milan’s La ; 10- Hang-up; 14- Draft classiﬁcation; 15- Histological stain; 16- Abound; 17- Sleep disorder; 19- Pearl Mosque city; 20- Computer availability; 21- Half-pike; 23- Science of bodies at rest; 25- Muzzle; 26- Absolute; 28- More spine-tingling; 31- Drinks (as a cat); 34- Part of Q.E.D.; 36- Not o’er; 37- Author Umberto; 38- Apprised; 40- kwon do; 41- Palpitate; 43- Biblical birthright seller; 44- Second letter of the Greek alphabet; 45- Foursome; 47- Diamond ﬂaw?; 49- Aspect; 51- One playing alone; 55- Vision in dim light; 58- Tin alloy; 59- Anklebones; 60- Fertilize an animal; 62- Presidential battleground state; 63- Silk cotton; 64- Netman Nastase; 65- Auth. unknown; 66- Habituate; 67- Seemingly forever;

Down JEFF GROAT/THE RUNNER

If you’ve stepped into the library on Surrey Campus in the past few weeks, you may have seen this sign. It reads, “step inside for a spot of free thinking,” while underneath “Coast Capital Savings Library” is emblazoned next to the Kwantlen logo. So you’re telling me that a corporation can sponsor “free thinking?” That’s like a dictator sponsoring an area of “free democracy.” After spending a few hours in the library, you may ﬁnd yourself “freely” thinking about opening an account at Coast Capital and not knowing why.

1- Additional pay; 2- Not appropriate; 3- Simmons rival; 4- Roman historian; 5- Chosen; 6- Cedar Rapids college; 7- Cairo cobras; 8- Does a Daffy Duck impression; 9- Whatever person; 10- Height; 11- Bargain; 12- Dynamic beginning; 13- Fed; 18- Drop; 22- Very much; 24- Open a tennis match; 27- Bluffer’s ploy; 29- Coup d’___; 30- Greek fertility goddess, ﬂightless bird; 31- Riga resident; 32- Dull pain; 33- Case; 35- Autocratic Russian rulers; 38- Bahamanian island; 39- Continental inhabitant; 42- Speech; 44- Chocolate chewy cake; 46- Portray; 48- Designer Cassini; 50- Stopwatch-holder; 52- Author Calvino; 53- Take hold; 54- Forest makeup; 55- Portico; 56- “All the Way” lyricist Sammy; 57- Capital city of Western Samoa; 61- Baseball stat;

page twelve | April 05 2011 | vol. 3 issue 18

The Runner | www.runnerrag.ca