Very Modern Mantras by Dan Zevin - Sample spreads

CO N TEN TS Chant, Don’t Rant. . . . 5 Mantra for Starbucks. . .6 Mantra for G.P.S. . . .10 Mantra for the Mall. . .14 Copyright © 2019 by Dan Zevin Cover copyright © 2019 by Hachette Book Group, Inc. Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright.

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Mantra for Gluten Intolerance. . .18

Published by Running Press, an imprint of Perseus Books, LLC, a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Running Press name and logo is a trademark of the Hachette Book Group.

Mantra for an Open-Plan Office. . .22

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Mantra for Airport Security. . .26

The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

Mantra for Whole Foods. . .30

Additional copyright/credits on page 167.

Mantra for Instagram. . .34

The third party trademarks used in this book are the property of their respective owners. The owners of these trademarks have not endorsed, authorized, or sponsored this book.

Mantra for Public Transportation. . .38

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019937465

Mantra for Airbnb. . .42

ISBNs: 978-0-7624-6761-7 (hardcover), 978-0-7624-6759-4 (ebook)

Printed in China.

1010

First Edition: October 2019

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Mantra for Hot Yoga. . .46 Mantra for Smartphone. . .50 Mantra for Tinder. . .54 2

Mantra for the Multiplex. . .58

Mantra for Customer Service. . .62 Mantra for a Juice Cleanse . . .66 Mantra for Selfie-Defense. . .70 Mantra for DIY. . .74 Mantra for Chuck E. Cheese’s. . .78 Mantra for Insomnia. . .82 Mantra for Crowdfunding. . .86 Mantra for a Bad Wedding. . .90 Mantra for Multitasking. . .94 Mantra for the Gym. . .98 Mantra for Uber. . .102 Mantra for Craigslist. . .106 Mantra for the Genius Bar. . .110 Mantra for a Staff Meeting. . .114 Mantra for a Little League Game. . .118 3

INTRODUCTION Mantra for Digitally Disturbing the Peace. . .122 Mantra for Jury Duty. . .126 Mantra for a Houseguest. . .130 Mantra for a New Pet. . .134 Mantra for a Crowded Beach . . .138 Mantra for Economy Class. . .142

Mantra for a Museum. . .146

CHANT, DON’T RANT.

Mantra for a Stadium Show. . .150 Mantra for a To-Do List. . .154

Finding inner peace is extremely stressful. You try to visualize rainbows and waterfalls, but

Mantra for the Post Office. . .158

quickly start visualizing deadlines, appointments, and that weird rattling noise your car

Mantra for Parking. . .162

has been making when you put it in reverse. You do your best to focus on your breath, but

Photo Credits. . .166

with a customer service representative who won’t know how to fix it, and on the endless

wind up focusing on your broken phone, and on the hour you’re about to lose live-chatting array of all the other daily aggravations you need to be focusing on instead of focusing on

Acknowledgments. . .168

your breath. Sure, you can lock yourself in a darkened room and chant a katrillion Oms. But how about a mantra for waiting in line at Starbucks while the lady in front of you spends twenty minutes customizing her foam-free latte? Or a mantra for reckless sidewalk texters? Or a mantra for surviving a mind-numbing staff meeting? These are the daily aggravations that drive even the most mindful among us out of our minds. These are the moments we need some very modern mantras.

The sacred text you hold before you contains aggravation-specific, microtargeted meditations for today’s world. Each begins with a rainbow-free visualization ripped from real life, and ends with a very modern mantra to chant over and over whenever you’re about to lose your shit serenity. By making this book the center of your mindfulness practice, you will achieve instant inner peace. And if that doesn’t pan out, I hope you’ll get something we can all use on our daily slog toward #tranquility: a laugh.

Namaste, Dan 4

5 5

MANTRA FOR GPS Imagine taking an endless back road to nowhere . . .

Because your GPS said you’d save 3 minutes if you got off the highway.

In front of you, notice a bright yellow school bus making infinite stops.

Feel a rush of regret surge through your chakras, as you are guided on a journey of continuous right turns.

How do you feel?

Like you’ve been driving around in circles?

Simply surrender to the soothing, slightly condescending voice of your GPS. She is leading you toward a gleaming bridge, over an unknown body of water.

“I AM POWERLESS OVER MY GPS.”

When you’ve reached the middle of the bridge, allow your fingernails to dig into the steering wheel.

Slowly, become aware that your GPS has lost its signal.

Notice how she begins to free-associate: “Go left/go right/take the roundabout/make a U-turn.”

And relax as she recalculates . . .

Sending you through city traffic at rush hour.

As our journey reaches its final destination, honor your anxiety by honking at a red light to make it turn green.

And now, let it go.

Today, we discover Modern Mantra #2 . . .

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MANTRA FOR GLUTEN INTOLERANCE Visualize ravioli.

Inhale its doughy energies . . .

And drift off to a healing space, such as a bathroom or emergency room, where you will wind up if you eat it.

Now, let a new image materialize.

It is a lovely evening and you are dining out with companions.

Hear yourself dialoguing with the waitress . . .

Notice how she rolls her eyes when you ask if the rice noodles are boiled in the same water as the ravioli.

Feel your face chakra radiate the crimson glow of gluten-free shame.

And release with a sip of your nasty hard cider.

Now, envision your companions sharing a delicious pitcher of wheat beer.

Flow into forced-smile pose.

Honor your food envy as you evoke their meal:

“I AM A WHEAT-FREE, BARLEY-FREE, RYE-FREE, GLUTEN FREEDOM

FIGHTER.�

Thick-crust pizza . . .

Soft flour tortillas . . .

Warm bread pudding . . .

Our voyage of gluten intolerance now turns inward, as we bring the focus back to our own food.

Become one with your gluten-free cookie.

Bask in its gummy, sandy aura.

Do not become destabilized if you experience an urge to spit it out and chug the entire pitcher of wheat beer.

Rather, reclaim your powers of digestion with Modern Mantra # 4 . . .

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MANTRA FOR AN OPEN-PLAN OFFICE Clear your mind and transport yourself to a place with no walls . . .

No barriers . . .

No personal space whatsoever between you . . .

And the insufferable co-worker next to you.

Sense that he is so close that he’s basically sitting in your lap . . .

So very close that you can hear each breath he takes . . .

And you can also smell it.

Inhale deeply through your nasal pathways, and gag on the sardines he is eating straight out of the tin . . .

While he talks to his doctor on speakerphone.

Let your familiar queasiness wash over you, as you absorb each word of his conversation: Ingrown hair . . .

Drained abscess . . .

Skin tag . . .

Now, take a moment to turn your focus to the click, click, click from the high-intensity keyboard typist on the other side of you.

And the chronic cough from the contagious colleague behind you.

Feel yourself finally composing your letter of resignation . . .

Though you do not have one single job prospect to fall back on.

Ready to hit Send?

Stop.

“I AM AN OPEN FLOWER WHO BLOSSOMS IN AN OPEN FLOOR PLAN.”

Reframe your rage and repeat Modern Mantra #5 . . .

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Yes I CAN find the end of the masking tape.

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MANTRA FOR A JUICE CLEANSE Relax your gag reflex and manifest a mouth-

If at any point you notice yourself becoming a

watering meal of kale and cabbage juice.

bit listless, unfocused, or clinically depressed,

Allow your taste buds to savor the flavors . . .

fight the temptation to fill your void with food.

Hints of dirt . . .

Rather, unleash the juice cleanser’s

Notes of sticks . . .

code of conduct:

Undertones of socks . . .

See yourself smile-lying about how energized

Today is the first day of the rest of your

you feel since you started your cleanse.

“TODAY, I RECLAIM SOLIDS.”

juice cleanse.

As we go deeper on our juice cleanse journey, Slowly, and with a distinct lack of enthusiasm,

try your very hardest to visualize even the most

imagine a second day of your juice cleanse.

remote possibility of a third day.

You are swallowing a tempting luncheon of

Bring awareness to a pounding migraine in your

cauliflower-beet-acai.

crown chakra from lack of caffeine . . .

Notice your teeth becoming coated with

And an embarrassing growl in your stomach

a slimy film . . .

chakra from lack of everything else.

And your poop being brightened by a scary red tint that turns out to be beets when you

To heal these imbalances, we culminate with a

diagnose it on WebMD.

sense memory exercise.

Tap into the memory of chewing.

With every $8 bottle of cucumber-

Begin by opening your mouth,

chlorophyll-kombucha you choke down, sense

and proceed by closing it.

the toxins and impurities leaving your body . . .

Continue this pattern for a count of three:

And the pleasure leaving your body . . .

Open, close . . .

And the vast amount of pee leaving

Open, close . . .

your body . . .

Open, insert Dunkin’ Donut, chant Modern Mantra #16 . . .

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I practice restraint in my use of emojis.

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69

The robocalls will not send me into a rage spiral.

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MANTRA FOR THE GYM Relax and go to a place to lose your belly fat . . .

A trainer, Snapchatting his six-pack?

And your dignity.

A worker, wiping down the glass with Windex?

Experience a surge of self-consciousness as you do public donkey kicks . . .

Activate your fight-or-flight reflex when a

As you swing a rainbow-colored kettlebell,

creep in sweatbands asks you to hold his

experience a rush of endorphins in your

feet for sit-ups.

energy center.

And a sharp, stabbing sensation in your

On this journey of body positivity, resist

rotator cuff.

comparing yourself to the many, many persons who are far, far fitter than you.

We conclude with a cool-down visualization.

Instead, compare yourself to the Chair Yoga

Picture yourself on a treadmill.

students who took the shuttle bus here

See yourself walking and walking . . .

from the nursing home.

Walking until the light inside of you has died.

And now, practice positive self-talk.

Give yourself permission to gaze into the

With every step you take, simply repeat

mirrors you’ve been trying to ignore.

Modern Mantra #24 . . .

“I WILL NOT LOSE MY WILL TO LIVE AT THE GYM”

Who do you see in the reflection?

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MANTRA FOR A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME Power down and behold the wonder of

Be mindful of avoiding eye contact with

a child playing ball.

each one:

Listen for the magical swoosh of his bat

The hopped-up parents who whistle and

swinging through the warm spring air . . .

whoop and holler . . .

And his dad telling the ump to go fuck himself

The Major League scout parents who share

for calling that swing a strike.

scathing commentary on every player except

“BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE AT THE LITTLE LEAGUE GAME.�

their own . . .

Notice the dad pacing behind the batting

The sideline coach parents who shout random

cage like a lion . . .

and contradictory commands.

And taking his child aside to publicly shame him.

Look within and block out the noise.

Feel yourself mentally willing the dad into

Feel yourself lifting the index fingers in a slow,

twenty-four-hour observation by a panel

upward motion . . .

of licensed professionals.

And inserting them into your ear chakras.

Attain closure with an image of him getting

Hold this position for a count of nine innings.

ejected for the fourth time this season.

Whenever you feel centered, remove your Now, turn your gaze to the colorful cult of

fingers and cheer Modern Mantra #29 . . .

Little League parents in the bleachers.

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MANTRA FOR DIGITALLY DISTURBING THE PEACE Send yourself on a silent retreat to Costco.

Bring your focus to the violent screams

See yourself standing in solitude before a

from a nearby seat.

majestic mountain of paper towels.

Listen for the sounds of strong language . . .

Gradually, sense your quietude terminated

And scary background music.

by a shopper who is talking to herself.

Form a vision of an individual who is watching

As she draws nearer, become aware that

The Predator without headphones.

she is actually talking to her husband with a

To maintain your serenity at this juncture of

Bluetooth earpiece.

your silent retreat, circle back to the mind-

She knows he has been cheating on her . . .

body connection.

Because she hired a private eye to hack into

Begin by focusing on your lip . . .

his texts.

And then, focus on your teeth . . .

“I AM IMPERVIOUS TO THE PUBLIC USE OF PERSONAL DEVICES.”

Finally, focus on using your teeth Now, notice her swerving towards you with

to bite your lip.

her shopping cart while telling him she

Bite your lip for a count of ten.

wants a divorce.

If you are tempted to strongly suggest that

Our silent retreat culminates with the practice

she ends her marriage in another aisle,

of self-nourishment.

find the fortitude to hold your tongue.

Envision nourishing the self at a restaurant

Begin by releasing the tongue in a relaxed,

because the self is too tired to cook.

dangling manner.

Tap into the charming ambience . . .

Now, elevate your hand such that it gently

The sumptuous cuisine . . .

clasps the tongue.

The person Facetiming at the next table . . .

Hold your tongue for a count of ten, and validate your mastery of the mind-body connection.

If you feel your silent retreat coming dangerously close to a confrontational

We continue our silent retreat in a

conclusion, shift the focus one final time to

comfortable train.

the mind-body connection.

Perhaps you are seated in a designated

Keep your body planted firmly at your

“quiet car” for a long-distance sojourn . . .

own table . . .

Or perhaps you’re unwinding on your

But in your mind, recite Modern Mantra #30 . . .

daily commute.

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MANTRA FOR A HOUSEGUEST Close your eyes and open your home.

And let go into a swirling shame spiral.

Feel your heart swell with loving kindness as you welcome a cherished houseguest.

We close our meditation by exterminating

Now, imagine it’s 48 hours later.

our houseguest.

Using guided imagery, reimagine your

Tap into the tactile sensation of removing wet

houseguest as a house pest.

houseguest towels from a bathroom floor . . .

Begin by visualizing your guest with

Connect with the act of plunging a toilet clogged

insect antennas on their head.

with foreign houseguest matter . . .

Gradually, add a pair of buzzing wings to your

See yourself extracting a clump of houseguest

houseguest’s shoulders . . .

hair from a shower drain.

Or a hard, crunchy shell to their back.

Slowly, shift your attention to the remote control.

houseguest with a fly swatter . . .

Try not to question what your houseguest

Or spray your houseguest with Raid . . .

pressed to make it not work anymore.

Or check your houseguest out of your house

Rather, try to observe yourself darting about

and into a roach motel.

And now, empower yourself to swat your

your kitchen on a frantic weekday morning.

Imagine your houseguest sitting around in blissful

When you are satisfied that your dwelling

serenity as you make a breakfast that conforms

is no longer infested by your houseguest,

to the many restrictions of their Whole30 diet.

open your eyes and feel the loving kindness return to your heart.

Now, hear your houseguest asking for your wireless password while you wash their dishes . . .

We restore harmony to the home with Modern

And reading you an article from their newsfeed

Mantra #32 . . .

“I WILL LIVE EACH DAY LIKE IT IS MY HOUSEGUEST’S LAST.”

while you’re on the phone.

Sense your guest quietly judging your morning mindfulness practice of fighting with each member of your family.

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