Invite her over to your house just to make

Please don't follow these tips Suck my balls Bono up the 'ra

Tips to impress your

By Benjamin Bing-Bong girl this Valentine's Day

1) Tell her you're an editor for your school's satire newspaper 2) Inform her about all of the times you respected women over the internet 3) Ask her about things you don't care about that you think she cares about that she actually doesn't care about. 4) Try to get her to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion again. 5) Invite her over to your house just to make her watch you play Luigi's Mansion on the Switch 6) JUST BE YOURSELF, BRO.

We'll Love you Instead :) Pitch Meetings: Livi Student Center Boardroom 7:40-8:45 Production: Livi Student Center Rm 117D

Craigslist for perverts

I am looking for someone willing to sell me a single Airpod. I do not need two. I do not need the case. Just one single Airpod. I lost one. How does one lose a single Airpod, you ask? Normal ways: I flushed it down the toilet or dropped it or whatever. I definitely did NOT swallow it. I would never be dumb enough to lose an Airpod under a cheeseburger and accidentally swallow it. Who does that?! And I definitely didn’t spend the next 3 hours playing music as loud as I could to hear where the Airpod was lodged within my intestines. Email me at airpodman4@gmail.com if you can help.

I'm not looking for anything I just wanted to say damn that guy who lost their airpod's a dumbass lmao. Also if you have any heroin plz email me at heroin4harry@gmail.com

The Top 10 Songs of All Time Ever Made Based on My Opinion

By Bonor Bohnston

10) "Starman" by David Bowie: This song was the original inspiration for the Star Wars movies. 9) "The Seinfeld Song" by Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld really outdid himself with this one when he came up with this classic jingle. 8) "Mambo No. 5": This song is literally just a guy listing off all the women he's slept with. Utter legend. 7) "The Ten Crack Commandments" by Biggie Smalls: Whenever I forget how to sell crack, I just put this song on and everything comes rushing back to me. 6) "Welcome to The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance: WHEN I WAS.....A YOUNG BOY..... 5) "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by Baha Men: To this day, we still do not know who let them out. 4) "Sir Duke" by Stevie Wonder: I have no jokes for this one I just really like this song. 3) "Toxic" by Britney Spears: THEY WROTE THIS SONG ABOUT MY FRIGGING MUDDA-IN-LAW AM I RIGHT FELLAS?! 2) "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel: I think about this song when I remember I have no gf. 1) "Parents Just Don't Understand" by Will Smith: They really don't.

Hi-ku

Please have sex with me

Then we can Facetime my mom

She'll make us cookies.

themedium.submissions@ gmail.com

SPORTS and well I did Jack 6 times yesterday ANDRE IGUODALA BEAT UP OUTSIDE STRIP CLUB BY GRIZZLIES TEAMMATES PRIOR TO TRADE TO HEAT

IGUODALA THINKING ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO HIM

A trade this past off-season sent Andre Iguodala from the five-time defending Western Conference Champion Golden State Warriors to the Memphis Grizzlies- a team

13 NBA Trade Deadline Headlines Iggy did not want to play for. For the first half of this season, the 16 year veteran refused to suit up for any games, saying he only would play for a contender. Finally on February 6th, Iguodala got his way, and was sent to the Miami BY DILLONBROOKSBURNER69

BY WOJ AND ZACH LOWE MATCHED ON TINDER

1. Andre Drummond proceeded to commit suicide after finding out he was traded to Cleveland 2. Cleveland fans proceeded to do the same after finding out they traded for a big man who cannot shoot three pointers 3. D'Angelo Russell traded to the Wolves, his fourth team in five years. He hopes to play for all 30 teams by 2025 4. Andrew Wiggins sent to Warriors in D'Angelo Russell deal, hopes to take 95% of Golden State's shots 5. When Steph Curry and Klay Thompson come back from injury, Coach Steve Kerr plans to murder Wiggins 6. Marcus Morris traded to Clippers, tells them he will refuse to play for them as he wants to play for the Knicks superior franchise 7. Isaiah Thomas also traded to Clippers, but they did not see him there because he was too small, he was subsequently cut 8. After tweeting out all the above as Woj-Bombs, Adrian Wojnarowski acidentally tweeted out an actual bomb, 200 people were killed 9. Coronavirus traded from Chinese Basketball Association to the NBA, 69 players are reportedly effected 10. Matt Barnes to come out of retirement, hopes to be traded to 31st NBA team 11. Well I said there would be 13 things so if this takes up two lines then I have less space to fill and I am running out of ideas 12. Commisioner Adam Silver may be traded to Warriors to play for them after their terrible season performance 13. Antonio Brown is hoping possibly be traded to the NBA from the NFL in hopes of finding a new team to play for Heat- but not before some massive locker room trouble in Memphis. Iguodala’s lack of support for the organization he was supposed to be competing in games for caused some of his younger teammates to become very upset with him. 24 year old Dillon Brooks stated he wanted the 36 year old veteran gone, saying on February 3rd, “I can’t wait until we find a way to trade him.” 20 year old Ja Morant agreed and posted a picture of Kevin Durant holding up the Finals Most Valuable Player trophy to show he was the only reason the Warriors were good. While these interactions on the 3rd and the trade on the 6th were reported by the media, the events that went down on February 4th were not. However, through a source that exclusively spoke to The Medium on terms of anonymity (it was Dillon Brooks), we now know what occurred. After hearing from management that Iggy was likely to be traded, Dillon Brooks called a team meeting. He said they should send a goodbye present to their hated teammate by beating the shit out of him. Knowing Iggy was always skipping practice to go to strip clubs instead, the youngin’s surrounded Blow N Grind Strip Club following practice. As soon as Iggy exited the club at 9 PM (the veteran needed to get home early to get some rest), the Grizzlies pounced. Iguodala attempted to escape, but he was nothing in comparison to the young kids on the team. After a 30 minute endeavor, in which Jaren Jackson Jr. beat Iggy with a broomstick , Ja Morant dunked Iggy through a portable basketball hoop, and Dillon Brooks sang the Canandian national anthem in the background, the young Grizzlies finally let their victim go. At press time, Andre Igoudala is currently on a beach in Miami reflecting on his life decisions, thinking about how he was just beat up by a group of people who were younger than his kids.

Me Writing this Sports Page: By the Numbers

20+

minutes realizing I wasn't sure what I should write about this week

16

times I jacked off this week instead of writing articles

95%

of the jokes on this page are complete shit

1

sports editor who will probably be fired for putting this sorry excuse of an article in

12

readers who actually have read this far, just kidding, it's zero

69

The sex position I plan to lose my virginity in, I'm 25 and still have not had sex, God please help me