Seismic Activity Reported at Ronald Reagan’s Grave

BY JEFF T. NEWS STAFF WRITER

Grindr, the popular gay dating app, announced on the 21st that it would be partnering with the Center of Disease Control and Prevention to distribute free at-home test kits to demographics most at risk nationwide. Following this announcement, a button now appears in the app’s chat menu that allows users to order their own test kits, no insurance needed, and even allows users to set an inapp reminder to order new test kits every 3 to 6 months.

However, not everyone has been pleased with this update, as reported by the US Geological Survey. Following the report of this news, a 4.6 magnitude earthquake rocked Simi Valley, California. The source of this minor earthquake was discovered to be the Ronald Reagan Presidential Li- brary & Museum, which features a gender neutral bathroom that also doubles as the late president’s grave. When contacted, the media representative for the museum commented, “Yeah, he really does not like this, but at least we get a clean energy source by attaching a mo- tor to his grave… because good god is he spinning in there.” Upon saying this, another small earthquake shook the building. When asked why there was another earthquake, he added, “Oh yeah, he hates clean

Following this, Owens accepted final questions from the audience before exiting the event. An unidentified student approached the microphone and asked about Turning Point USA’s plan to influence young Americans to participate passionately in political action. Glaring straight into the student’s eyes, Owens whispered a single word: “Venezuela.” The crowd erupt- ed into applause.

[Editor’s Note: Just a disclaimer from the Editors-InChief at The Daily Medium, we have to acknowledge that the author could not actually get any interviews that day, and that this is all possibly fabricated.][Other Editor’s Note: Nah this all happened, honest.]