HOLLOWAY IS YET TO ADDRESS THE "TAPEWORM ISSUE" AMIDST INVESTIGATION

BY LEXA PREAUX HOSTING A TAPEWORM PARTY

Sexually transmitted diseases and infections are notorious for spreading like horrific wildfire across college campuses, and Rutgers is no exception to the occasional chlamydia outbreak. This March, however, Scarlet Knights became vulnerable to an unusual, rapidly spreading biological threat: tapeworms.

In March 2023 alone, Rutgers health centers recorded 74 student patients diagnosed with symptoms suggestive of a tapeworm, with 58 of those patients confirming their diagnoses of having a tapeworm after being referred to specialists at Robert Wood Johnson. These numbers, although small in comparison to Rutgers’s large population, are entirely unheard of. Hurtado Health center was the first to report these findings to the CDC, which quickly prompted an investigation. The CDC is said to be testing water sources across many buildings over campus, including every residence hall. All food retailers are also said to be inspected thoroughly, with an emphasis on dining halls.

WHO THE FUCK IS FAITH DOROTHEA KALAEIOUYGH AEHTOROD IDITAROD

MCNAUGHTON?

Local Woman Put The W In Wage Gap

I'm Pooping RN While Preparing This Paper

Today, more and more students are falling ill, infected by the tapeworm parasite, and no public statement has been made by the university. Little information has been released by the CDC, and President Holloway’s failure to speak on this public health threat has left students and faculty in the dark, and those who haven’t caught wind of the

Continued on Page 2

I Should’ve Put More “Sauce” In The Fettuccine [DO NOT REMOVE THIS, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE GRAMATACALY INCORRECT] themedium.submissions@gmail.com

AGAIN WITH THIS NONSENSE... GOD, IT'S HOT IN THIS PRODUCTION ROOM

Seriously, man? Why is it that you feel the need to spew this absolute bullshit to everyone out here? Are you just genuinely intimidated enough by these guys that you feel the need to just lie to us? Get it together, man!

...continued from front

I NOW HAVE A

CONSTANT upsurge in tapeworms all the more vulnerable. Some professors and administrators have suggested that Holloway's silence is due to the University’s lack of resources and preparation to address the unique epidemic of tapeworms. One public health professor reportedly stated to one of their classes that Universities are typically well prepared to address the spread of things like the cold and flu and STIs– and it’s no surprise that the spread of tapeworms was entirely unforeseen.

Regardless of poor preparation, students have begun speaking out, demanding answers and any acknowledgement of their lack of safety on campus.

WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PARK NOW?

BUSCH PARKING LOTS TO BE CONVERTED TO SOLAR FARMS remember that I left my car at Busch to begin with, my guy! Only way I figured it out was when I saw that I had a $70 fine from the college for parking in a spot I paid for to begin with!” Naturally, this begs the question: why would Rutgers implement such a hasty change to begin with?

Many questions have been raised: First, and most obvious: How could negligence get this far that parasites are rapidly infecting students? How is the University going to fix the spread of parasites? Why has this silence gone on for so long? Is it an attempt to sweep a public health crisis under the rug in favor of bringing in new admissions, or is this plainly a matter of time taken for proper and thorough acknowledgement? More questions and concerns are raised as more students fall ill, ignored and left with no answers. {Editor's Note: If you or someone close to you is suffering from tapeworms, dial 1-800-TAPWORM for medical assistance.]

Within the past month, Rutgers University has begun the process of constructing a series of solar farms in order to replace parking lots across campus, with the work recently being focused on Busch Campus, notably on Lot 67 and 58B. This has inevitably forced hundreds of students who’ve already paid for Busch parking permits to

quickly relocate their vehicles to hastily prepared parking lots. Furthermore, there proved to be little warning about the construction of the panels to begin with, as many students have only become aware of the construction within the past week or two once signs were actually placed in the parking lots themselves. One student we interviewed said, “I didn’t even

Initially, we interviewed Bud Bureaucratsky, a senior accountant for Rutgers University, in regards for the reasoning behind the sudden conversion of the lots. To state his words, “Well after checking the books, running some calculations, and chucking God knows how much shit at the wall, the administration arrived to the conclusion that a good way to save even more money for the football team is to simply prop up as many of these solar panels as possible, and since no one gives a shit about Busch, we figured we might as well set them up in the parking lots! After they’re

In addition to the reasoning stated above, it was also mentioned that the newlyconstructed farms would be built not just for monetary purposes, but would also serve to better inconvenience Rutgers students than parking lots have ever done in the past.

When asked if there’d be any further plans for these solar farms in the future, Bureaucratsky simply said, “Cows. Lots and lots and lots and lots of cows. Like, a shitload of them.”

The solar farms are, according to current reports, projected to be completed by the end of the summer.

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“Having tapeworms is such a slay”

Top 10 Celebrities That Look Like Tapeworms

By: Hugh Janus

How To Know If You Have Overcome Your Fear of the Dark

By: Hugh Janus' Roommate

1. Do you avoid going to the basement to do your laundry, even if all the lights are on?

Yes: I am sorry, you have not overcome your fear of the dark :( No: Please continue to the next question.

2. Do you jump and scream “Mommy!” every time someone turns the lights off on you?

Yes: Mommy will come to save you because you can’t do it yourself, you 20-year-old freeloader. No: Good job so far I guess, go to question 3.

3. Do you sleep with a night light on?

Yes: NIGHT LIGHT??? Seriously???

1. Benedict Cumberbatch- this one’s just selfexplanatory. He looks so inflamed and puffy that he resembles a tapeworm. The tapeworm actually came first and then reproduced to create Benedict Cucumber.

2. Ed Sheeran- I once had a ginger tapeworm; this was the most famous ginger I could think of (besides Ice Spice). This was also the worst case of tapeworms I have ever had simply because it was ginger.

3. Gordon Ramsey- He cooks and tapeworms are often found in food. Coincidence? I think not.

4. Prince Charles- He’s old and wrinkly, just like a tapeworm! And, his family did a lot of colonizing, just like tapeworms do.

5. The Demogorgon from Stranger Things- Both have sharp features, a chiseled jawline, and a gaping hole at the center of their face. However, you can only survive one (hint: it’s not the tapeworm).

6. James Charles- If James Charles tried enough, he could do a tapeworm-inspired makeup look. Plus, he’s got the lashes to look like a tapeworm.

7. Kim Kardashian- She’s had too much plastic surgery that she’s starting to look like a tapeworm.

8. Timothee Chalamet- I know this is a controversial opinion, but he looks sickly and tapeworms make people look sickly. Maybe he looks like a tapeworm because he has a few living inside of him.

9. Nicole Kidman- I have no idea why, she just gives off tapeworm vibes, ya feel?

10. Your Mom- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No: You’re getting warmer bestie, almost there! Next question, whore.

4. Have you ever had a 4-year-old make fun of you for being scared of the dark?

Yes: It was justified bullying, you deserved that. Please proceed to the next question. No: Nice, you’ve achieved the bare minimum.

5. Do you make fun of other people who are afraid of the dark?

Yes: Congratulations! You have overcome your fear! Next time someone tries to shut the lights off on you, you will be prepared. But I will still make fun of you for having been afraid of the dark. No: Sorry bestie, you’re still afraid of the dark, and at this rate, you might be for the rest of your life.

How I Cope With the Horror That Is My Life

By: Also Hugh Janus

1. Write for The Medium: I dish out every single thing that happens to me in this paper. I know it's always TMI, but do I really give a fuck? No.

2. Trolling people: I love being a menace which is why I send heinous messages to a lot of the GroupMe’s that I am in. So, if you see me saying something in a GroupMe, be prepared.

3. Drowning myself in my music: I listen to my music on full blast almost 24/7 so I can be closer to becoming Helen Keller.

4. Driving the Rutgers Bus: Whenever I want the Rutgers Bus to run me over, I just go ahead and drive it when the drivers stop to take a break. My favorite is when they stop at the College Ave Student Center and I get to run over the College Ave people.

5. Going on Hinge: I love Hinge solely because I see everyone and their mom on that app. The voice prompt feature makes me not want to unalive myself because some of the people on that app are so stupid.

How do you feel about a potential strike?

" They can’t Bring in subs! I wanna be taught by doms!"

-Mark

Not all there but he's got the spirit.

I Lead a Strike Once

BY CHAIRLIFT CHARLIE

-Union Enjoyer

This guy LOVES picket lines.

Is a wreck right now

Should I Say Orange

President Trump: Your White Ass Is Finished

BY A

Well Donald Trump the day has finally come. You thought you could be a dirty rotten criminal and get away with it. Well guess what. Fucker. Tides have changed and now you're in jail.

You idiot, you’re in jail! In jail forever for being a nasty crook you damn moron.

Fuck you loser you’re in the doghouse now! You’re in so much trouble and I’m not. Our loyal American Jurors will find your stupid ass guilty for infinity years. I’m laughing so hard at your misfortune “sir” (note how I say ‘sir’ sarcastically because truly Mr. Trump I do not respect your dumbass).

I have so many hilarious jokes to say about your come muppets. You’re probably gonna be so pissed because you can’t go to Mar-a-Lago and play GOLF you stupid bastard man. Commander in chief more like Prisoner in Chief. I literally have hours of these jokes and my friends and families love them so much.

Hey shit head they don’t let you have twitter in jail which I know is your favorite app. That’s too bad becaus I’ve started a new account called @PrisonTrump.@ PrisonTrump will say things like “I didn’t mean build a wall AROUND ME!!” and “Damn it, I’m in jail for being stupid!” and “Where’s a fuckin’ covfefe when you need it!”.

There are cameras in the burgers. I went to Ruby Tuesday once in 1973. It was the dead of winter, and I could feel my bones beginning to fracture like slabs of ice slammed against concrete. I was starving for warmth. Starving for a sense of belonging. Starving for burger. I didn’t go to Ruby Tuesday, Ruby Tuesday came to me, much like horrific visions detailing my countless violent futures come to me in dreams. I could not foresee what would happen to me in the hallowed halls of Ruby Tuesday, however. The waiter had kind eyes. He was a college student, waiting tables on the side, but with a big dream of becoming a Hollywood star in focus. I asked for burger, and boy did that thespian provide. He brought me burger. Ruby Tuesday burger. I bit into burger, and I sprung back to life, much like my sweet old father sprung back to life when my sister and I dug up his casket, stole his watch, and resurrected him so he could tell us his secrets of the war. Oh no! Another burger bite. CRUNCH! GLASS! Thousands of wires, and I mean THOUSANDS. I swallowed that camera, and it saw my secret organs. With no hesitation, I picked up my picket sign and went to work. RUBY TUESDAY PUT CAMERA IN MY BURGER. RUBY TUESDAY WANT MY SECRETS SO THEY PUT CAMERA IN MY BURGER. I led the movement and bit people when they tried to go into Ruby Tuesday. It was when I bit a senator that my diligent ass got thrown into the slammer, but I saved that senator from Burger Camera. I am the movement. The voice of the people. I will end you, Ruby Tuesday.

WAZZZZZZUP!!!!

Scream VI Review: Scream did not make me Cream BY JUSTIN GORGED

The Scream Franchise of films has been widely loved for its meta commentary on the horror genre-in the first movie, ever since that film the franchise ha been on a downward spiral, thinking that they can counter their lackluster storytelling and retreading through “wink-wink nudgenudge" references to the audience. If they acknowledge the trash, it's no longer trash, or at least they think.

This trend was broken with Scream V, with the movie being framed through the lense of a Requel (A reboot sequel), something the filmmakers will NEVER let you forget about through the runtime of this film. I’m sure five was good, I don’t know, I’ve never seen it.

Ya know what fuck it, I’ve never seen a single goddamn Scream movie aside from this most recent one, and after this, I do not think I will ever watch another one. The film is constantly bogged down by incredibly blatant references to the legacy of the franchise, acknowledgement of the franchise, acknowledgement of the washed-out tropes this film is using, as well as the BLANDEST, MOST CORPORATE BOARDROOM DIALOGUE EVER WRITTEN. Overall, Scream VI did not make me cream, and I don’t think any of these goddamn movies will ever give me any form of gratification, sexual or otherwise. Stay tuned for my review of the Mario Movie: Will Mario make me feel something my bitch wife hasn’t in years?

Wednesday, April 5rd, 2023 themedium.submissions@gmail.com

Arts

"I got tickets to see Twice!”

THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF HOLLO-NO-WAY

BY ZZIRM

*PRETEND I AM STARING AT YOU *IN -

HALE* *EXHALE* *INHALE* *EXHALE*

*INHALE* *DEEP EXHALE* *INHALE*

*DEEPER EXHALE* *BLACKHOLE

ADJACENT INHALE* I'VE SEEN THE FACE OF GOD AND IT WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED IF YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE PITCH MEETING AT LSC

202AB. *EARTH SHATTERING EX -

HALE*

THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF THE NEW SEASON BY JEFF ARTS

In Jadesus

(Unpaid interns (otherwise known as Rutgers grad students).)

When will I hear back from all the internships I applied to?

(She gave you a fake number bro.)

Precisely how many holes do I have?

(Precisely 12. I know you think it’s actually in the 6-7 range, but you are wrong. Check yourself, you’ll find the other ones. You ever wonder why liquids are always dripping from your body? It's your extra holes.)

Have you read the BTS fanfiction where Jungkook doesn’t eat anything but meat for 3 days to the point where his shit is 100% solidified and Jin takes chopsticks and reaches in his asshole to pull out the shit??

(Yeah, that shit slaps.)

Should I buy a house in Detroit?

(Yes. Big Sean is from Detroit, so you should also live in Detroit. It is actually scientifically proven that the reason Big Sean is so…. well, big… is because his balls adjusted to the cold weather up there. No more “turtle dick syndrome” as they say. Be big like Big Sean and live in Detroit (paid for by the State of Michigan.)

What sin should I have committed in my name this week?

(Greed: you deserve it. Unless your name is Jonathan Holloway, then you can stop being a greedy cunt and give your employees a living wage.)

Where is my hat?

(Have you checked your head? Honest, just start checking everyone's heads. If I were a hat, I would give... I mean put myself on a head.)