Lost and Yet Searching

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

“I HAVE LONG

WRESTLED W HOW I FIT IN THIS WORLD”

G WITH NTO D. ”

PRO LOG UE As an adult TCK, I have long wrestled with how I fit into this world.

Although I spent most of the developmental years of my life in my home country of India, I never felt at home. Most of my adolescent years consisted of shifting from one state to another in South India as my father had to move a lot due to his job. I was then put into boarding school at the age of 10. At the age of 12, I was transferred to another boarding school. This was an international boarding school that followed the British curriculum. I was placed in a bubble with students and teachers that represented almost 25 countries. We grew up together being sheltered from the tests and challenges of the outside world.

Growing up in this environment taught me to be culturally aware, independent and has also taught me to be adaptable to change.

However, when I graduated high school and began college at an Indian university, I had to reteach myself everything that I thought I knew about India. I felt like I didn’t belong there. Ironically I faced culture shock in my own culture and was ashamed of it. It was harder to connect with people because they assumed my way of thinking was wrong because it was not the same as theirs.

As my younger sister who studies in the same boarding school graduates in June 2020 and begins to explore India, I hope she has the tools and knowledge to know that she’s not alone in this transition. My aim is to help individuals recognize and use the gifts that the TCK childhood provides and to help them recognize and deal successfully with the challenges that are also inherent in this experience. I believe that through communication and sharing experiences we can normalize the third culture experience for this growing population.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

W H E RE

A RE

Y OU F R O M ?

RESTLESS

ROOTLESS

DO YOU

FEEL....

INTRODUCTION

A Third Culture Kid (TCK) is a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture.

The TCK frequently builds relationships with all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. TCKs are raised in a “neither/nor” world. It is neither fully the world of their parents’ culture (or cultures) nor fully the world of the other culture (or cultures) in which they were raised.

The term first culture refers to the home or passport culture of the parents, and the term second culture references the host culture to which the family has moved or in which they have lived. The term third culture then refers to a way of life that is neither like the lives of those living back in the home culture nor like the lives of those in the local community but is a lifestyle with many common experiences shared by their living in a similar way.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

Carolyn Smith gave some historical perspective on the changes taking place in one of the earliest books written on this topic, The Absentee American.

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Since 1946, therefore, when it was unusual for Americans to live overseas unless

1990.

they were missionaries or diplomats, it has become commonplace for American military and civilian employees and businesspeople to be stationed abroad, if only for a year. The 1990 Census counted 922,000 federal workers and their families living overseas, and the total number of Americans living abroad either permanently or temporarily is estimated at 3 million.

By 2015, this estimated number has grown to 8 million, with no end in sight of how high this tally might rise. These figures only account for U.S. citizens. Australia has more than 1 million citizens living outside its border on either a long- or short-term basis. Add to these figures the burgeoning number of citizens from every other country working and living outside their home cultures and we can only imagine the

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total number of expatriates worldwide.

2015.

The 1990 Census counted 922,000 federal workers and their families living overseas, and the total number of Americans living abroad either permanently or temporarily is estimated at 3 million.

3 million.

By 2015, this estimated number has grown to 8 million, with no end in sight of how high this tally might rise. These figures only account for U.S. citizens.

8 million.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

HOME (PASSPORT) CULTURE

Ironically, for many TCKs, this “home culture” may be one of the places they feel most out of cultural balance. Although they will likely learn the basic language, values, and traditions of this culture from their parents even when living in another land, TCKs often remain unaware of what is hidden in the unseen layer of what is presumably their own culture. They have not lived there long enough to understand the nuances of how life operates by both seen and unseen cultural normals, and social media alone does not fully communicate such things. Some of these norms may, in fact, be quite opposite to the ways of the host culture.

“

I moved to a high school that was very monocultural. There were a few international students that I could relate to, but there was no one from India or anybody who had the TCK experience.

”

U N C O M F O R TA B L E

DI FFE R E NT VALU ES

I DE NTI TY = P A S S PO RT ?

PA P E R S = I D E N T I T Y ?

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

S E C ON D H O ME

LANGUAGE

GEOGRAPHY

INTERACTING WITH T H E LO CA L C O M M U N I T Y

HOST CULTURE Depending on the individual situation, the local host culture can have a major or more minor effect on TCKs. Some TCKs move so often that they never quite settle long enough to absorb the specifics of the deeper levels of each culture, even while they may enjoy the more surface aspects such as food, art, or geography. Those who live in a more isolated military, embassy, or mission compound, may never interact deeply with those in the local community but they will still learn how life can be run by different customs, values, and worldviews in another culture.

On the other hand, those who grew up living in more remote areas where they are the only foreigners will likely learn the language, enjoy the food, and get to know the deeper layers of culture even though it is not by definition their own.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

H O ME CU L TU RE “First Culture”

THIRD CULTURE One of the most important communities for TCKs, however, is the “third culture” – it is here where TCKs often feel most “at home” because it is here where they share a lifestyle and cultural norms with others. Most who live within this community understand what it is to move from place to place.

TH CU L “Third

IRD TU RE Culture”

H O ST CU L TU RE “Second Culture”

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

LIFE AS A TCK The TCK experience is a microcosm of what is quickly becoming normal throughout the world. Growing up among cultural differences is already, or soon will be, the rule rather than the exception even for those who never physically leave their home country.

Some of the characteristics – as well as the benefits and challenges – are primarily a result of the cross-cultural nature of the third culture experience. Others are more directly shaped by the high mobility of the lifestyle. The use of the word challenge is crucial because a challenge is something people have the choice to face, deal with, and grow from. A liability can only be something that pulls someone down.

The benefits of the TCK experience has enriched countless TCK lives, whether or not they stop to consciously define or use them.

The benefits of the TCK lifestyle are enormous. Many TCKs and ATCKs are maximizing the potential of these benefits in their lives, both personally and professionally. By looking in-depth at the specific benefits and challenges of this experience I want to highlight that you aren’t alone as you face these. Some benefits and challenges are seen more clearly in the shorter term; some become more obvious with time. But the “Aha!” moment of recognition as you read this could be something to hold onto.

T H IR D C U L T UR E

CONNECTION

COMMUNITY

M O S T AT H O M E

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

BENEFIT:

EX P A N D E D W OR LD V I E W An obvious benefit of the TCK experience is that while growing up in a multiplicity of countries and cultures, TCKs not only observe firsthand the many georaphical differences in the world, but also learn how people view life from different philosophical and political perspectives. The TCKs awareness that there can be more than one way to look at the samWe thing starts early in life.

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How has being a TCK affected your relationships?

It’s always a conversation starter. I’m always the special one. However, I tend not to connect as deeply with people who aren’t TCK. SA E HE E M K WO N

”

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Sometimes finding it hard to feel secure because I’m never sure when things will change, finding it difficult to relate and feel at home with people of my home culture.

R EB EC CA T RY T H A L L

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C H A L L E N G E : C O N F U S E D L O YA LT I E S Although the expanded worldview is a great benefit, it can also leave TCKs with a sense of confusion about all sorts of things. The value dissonances that occur in the cross-cultural experience is because TCKs often live among cultureswith strongly conflicting value systems.

This expanded worldview and its resulting confusion of loyalties and values can be a greater problem for those who return to cultures that remain relatively homogeneous.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

“

It was very difficult for me to transition. I spent a year trying to adapt to my home country. But the system made it very hard. I felt like I was stuck here forever. That I would never be able to travel again. I became distant and quiet.

I developed depression.

I lost all confidence in myself. There was no way that I could have entered university later that year when I came back. I wish people were more understanding, easier to talk to. I wish the culture wasn’t so strict that people expected you to know where you’re from. I wish I had met some of the people I now call friends during my first year back.

M E LODY A D ETAYO

”

BENEFIT:

T H R EE- D I ME N SI O N A L VI E W O F T HE W O RL D As TCKs live in various cultures, they not only learn about cultural differences, but they also experience the world in a tangible way that is impossible to do by reading books, seeing movies, or watching nightly newscasts. Having a 3-D view of the world is a useful skill not only for reading stories but for writing them. For TCKs who like to write, their culturally rich and highly mobile childhoods give them a true breadth of hands-on experiences in many places to add life to their work. In the last few years, the ranks of TCK authors has swelled. Besides Pico Iyer and his book The Global Soul, the list now includes such best-selling authors such as Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns; William Paul Young, The Shack and Eve and so on.

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If you have just been brought up in one country, city or town, chances are the norms, mannerisms and cultures differ and your understanding of people and the world is quite limited.

Understanding not just the surface level, but that first hand experience is SA E HEEM K WO N what I’m getting at here.

”

“

Ugh. It was difficult at first. I was too naive, I expected dorm parents to be there to spoon feed me. But, I had to grow up. So I fit in pretty quick.

HYA N G G EE K IM

”

C H A L L E N G E : PA I N F U L A W A R E N E S S O F R E A L I T Y With the three-dimensional view of the world, however, comes the painful reality that behind the stories in the news are real flesh-and -blood people not merely faces on a TV screen. Many TCKs have seen war or faced the pain of evacuation and its disruption. For some it happened in their host cultures. In other, it has happened in their passport culture. Either way, with this global lifestyle, they are often an ocean or mountain range away from their families at times of great political and social upheaval or even natural disasters. This can be one of the loneliest times of all for those who grew up and live crossculturally– when the reality of our grief is overwhelming real to us yet incomprehensible to those now around us.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

“

The reality is that once I am back in my home country, there is no going out again...not for a long time.

My reality was that I did not have the opportunity like some of my highschool classmates to apply to foreign universities. My future was set without a glimpse or certainty of hope of travel.

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REPETITIVE

W E A R E A L L P R O N E TO C H A N G E ,

PAT T E R N

B UT SOM E ADAPT B ETTE R THAN OTH E R S

BENEFIT:

C RO S S - C U L T U R AL E N R I C H M E NT TCKs usually have a sense of ownership and interest in cultures other than just that of their passport country. They enjoy aspects of the host culture others might not appreciate. Perhaps more important than what they have learned to enjoy from the more surface layers of other cultures, however, is the fact that most TCKs have also gained valuable lessons from the deeper levels. They have lived in other places long enough to learn to appreciate the reasons and understanding behind some of the behavioral differences rather than simply being frustrated by them as visitors tend to be. Many TCKs learn to value relationships above convenience as they live in such places, and it is a gift they carry with them wherever they may go later.

Communication, the ability to understand and relate to others more easily, open mindedness, adaptability, confidence with traveling, appreciation and understanding of other cultures.

REBECCA T RY T H A LL

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C H A L L E N G E : I G N O R A N C E O F H O M E C U LT U R E The irony of collecting cross-cultural practices and skills, however, is that TCKs may know all sorts of fascinating things about other countries but little about their own. TCKs are often sadly ignorant of national, local, and even family history.

When people switch cultures, humour is another unknown.

Jokes often are based on a surprise, an indirect reference to something current, or a play on words that have a double meaning specific to that culture of language. Most TCKs have some story about getting caught in an embarrassing situation because they didn’t know some everyday rule of their passport culture that is different from their host culture.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

BENEFIT:

A D A P T A BI L I T Y TCKs usually develop some degree of cultural adaptability as a primary tool for surviving the frequent change of cultures. The term Chameleon is often used when referring to TCKs who can easily switch language, style of relating and cultural practices after spending a little time observing what is going on in their surroundings. Adaptability may begin as a survival tool, but it also has immensely practical benefits. TCKs usually learn to adjust with relative calm to life and can often “roll with the punches” even in unusual circumstances.

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It was a scary experience but it was liberating in a sense cause I felt more responsible for decisions/actions I made.

I was not doing things just to break the rules or do what my friends were doing.

YO OSA B HA P D E

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I found it very difficult to feel like I belonged and find my place. The finality of leaving a country that is not your own with no real idea of when you’re going back is hard especially when it comes to leaving friends.

R EBEC CA T RY T H A L L

”

C H A L L E N G E : L A C K O F T R U E C U LT U R A L B A L A N C E Becoming a cultural chameleon, however, brings special challenges as well. TCK chameleons may never develop or fully develop true cultural balance anywhere. Those who notice the TCK’s behavior changes in various circumstances and begin to wonder if they can trust anything the TCK does or says. It might look to them as if he or she has no real convictions about much of anything. It may be very difficult for TCKs to decide if there are, after all, some absolutes in life they can hold on to and live no matter which culture they are in.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

BENEFIT:

L E SS P R E J UD I C E The opportunity to know people from diverse backgrounds as friends – not merely as acquaintances– and within the context of their own cultural milieu is another gift TCKs receive. As a TCK, they have been members of groups that include a striking collection of culturally and ethnically diverse people, and most have the ability to truly enjoy such diversity and to believe that people of all backgrounds can be fun and equal participants in any given situations. TCKs who use their crosscultural experiences well learn there is always a reason behind anyone’s behavior – no matter how mystifying it appears – and tend to be more patient than others might be in a particular situation.

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I am a lot more open minded and accepting of people for who they are compared to my fellow classmates in uni.

PRIYA N A PA H A N

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CHALLE NG E: MOR E PR EJ U DICE Unfortunately, there are a few TCKs who appear to become more prejudiced rather than less. It may be because the TCKs’ parents were part of what others considered a special, elite group (such as diplomats or high ranking military personnel) in the host country. The parents’ position often brought special differences, and the children had little contact with the local population outside of servants in the home. In such a situation, a sense of entitlement and superiority over the host nationals can easily grow.

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People assuming my way of thinking was wrong because it was not the same as theirs.

E IS C HEZ SA D I Q

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L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

Many of my friends now have spent time abroad, though mostly in Western countries. A few of them are very accepting of where I grew up and the cultures that I was exposed to prior to now. But most times, I struggle to connect with new people who do not understand my upbringing. People come at me for the wrong reasons. I get hit on because of my accent. So now I find it difficult to trust people. I am a very open person, but I have high walls of trust because of my experiences coming back to my home country.

MELO DY A DE TAYO

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BENEFIT:

T H E I M PO R T A N CE O F N OW Due to the transitory lifestyle, many TCKs have a sense of urgency that life is to be lived now. They may not stop to deliberate long on any particular decision. Some may fault them for impulsiveness, but they do get a lot of living done while others are still deciding what they do or don’t want to do.

C HALLE N G E: TH E D E LUS I O N O F C H O I C E For the same reason that some TCKs seize every opportunity, other TCKs seem, ironically, to have difficulty in making or feeling excited about plans at all. Some TCKs have difficulty in making a choice that involves a significant time commitment because they know a new and more desirable possibility may always appear.

A PP R E C I A T I V E O F A UTH O R I TY For some TCKs, living within the friendly confines of a strong organizational system is a positive experience in their lives.

Relationships with adults in their community are basically constructive and nurturing. The sense of structure under such strong leadership gives a feeling of great security.

CHALLE NG E: M ISTR USTFU L OF AUTHOR ITY Other TCKs feel quite differently. They begin to mistrust the authority figures in their lives, easily blaming virtually all of their problems in life on parents or organizational administrators who made autocratic decisions about where and when they would move with little regard for their needs or the needs of their family. Some TCKs feel that their life has been unhappily affected because of the decisions made by others.

L O ST A ND Y E T S E A R CH I N G

SOU RCES Smith, Carolyn D. (1994). The Absentee American.

New York: Aletheia Publications.

Pollock, David C., and Ruth E. Van Reken. Third Culture Kids : Growing up Among Worlds . Rev. ed.

Boston: Nicholas Brealey Pub., 2017. Print.

DESI GNED A ND EDIT ED BY Rhea Vergis MICA GDMA 2020