*All quotes, events, and references are utter hogwash. Don't believe a thing we say.
Recent Snowden papers released this past Monday reveal details about Hillary Rodham Clinton’s scandalous medical history. The BIGGEST shockers, written by a REAL doctor are listed on P11.
By Sue Kulu Staff Writer SHOCKING!!! The Green Party HAS PLANS TO BRING DOWN THE ENTIRE SYSTEM! A series of releases by Choate ITS, the infamous vigilante hacker group, exposed the HIDDEN MOTIVES behind the LIES that Jill Stein and her cronies have told. EVEN MORE CROOKED THAN CROOKED HILLARY! THE GREEN PAR-
TY WILL JEOPARDIZE YOUR FREEDOM! The following is a DIRECT QUOTE FROM AN EMAIL FROM DR. JILL STEIN, THE GREEN PARTY’S LEADER! HERE IT IS: “The non-vegans are what plagues humanity today, and forceful conversion therapy will be put into effect as soon as I take power. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will be the first to go through the treatment as examples to all the
others in the world.” The Green Party will FORCE YOU TO HUG A TREE for more than twelve hours every DAY. The plan to push a ‘National Hug A Tree Day’ celebration on the White House Lawn during the Easter Egg Roll was EXPOSED!!! The Green Party is planning an INFRINGEMENT ON OUR RIGHTS!!! The Green Party is hatching a MASTER PLAN that will DESTROY HUMANITY AS
WE KNOW IT!! The Green Party admires the NEOLITHIC ERA and wants to completely DEMOLISH America by forcing EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN CITIZEN to survive solely on pre-agricultural hunter-gatherer methods. These peace-loving hippies want the ANNIHILATION of human civilization! KNOW WHO YOU ARE VOTING FOR! DO NOT TRUST THE GREEN PARTY!
TRUMP FOLDS UNDER PRESSURE! THE DONALD IS A GREEDY LIAR! The unauthorized release of Donald J. Trump’s tax returns by The New York Times has yielded some SHOCKING TRUTHS about how Mr. Trump spends the money he earned through his empire. SEE P11.
2 | CANDIDATE NEWS Jill Stein Names Ghost of Harambe as New VP By MeMe Dankheart Writer Most would agree that the progression of the 2016 presidential race has been nothing if not eventful. From Bernie Sanders losing against Hillary Clinton, to Donald Trump seizing the Republican nomination, at no point did the news cycle lack a new story. Although the media continues to focus nearly exclusively on the Democratic and Republican nominees, this election still has third party candidates to offer: the Libertarian Party’s Gary Johnson and the Green Party’s Jill Stein. Although Stein is behind in most polls, a new announcement seems likely to sway voters in her favor, and win her some much-needed media coverage. Dr. Jill Stein has for the most part failed to gain popularity with several key voting demographics. Her attempts to relate to millennials have ranged from several outlandish tweets to failed Generation-Y-driven policies. In fact, in July 2016, Harambe, the ape euthanized in May of the same year, retained a 3% lead over Stein throughout the entire month according to a poll released by Public Polling Policy. Several months after these abysmal numbers, Stein, in a shrewd political move designed to win her the key youth demographic, decided to officially announce the de-
ceased primate as her running mate. In addition to accumulating more votes for Stein, the choice of Harambe also helps to solidify some of the lesser-known policies on her platform, such as free animal- and childcare, as well as the emancipation of all captive and domesticated animals. Although Stein’s inclusion of Harambe on the Green Party ticket has raised her popularity with millennials, many speculate as to whether this demographic will suffice given the key anti-vaccination voter bloc—an integral group of Stein supporters well known to be anti-ape’s rights—she will likely lose as a result of the decision. "I don't know much about [Stein] or any of her other policies, but I would probably vote for her if Harambe were her running mate," said one sixth former, an indication that the decision seemed to be causing the intended impact among youth voters. For older demographics, the decision seemed to
hurt rather than help the struggling candidate, summarized by one faculty member’s statement to reporters that Stein's choosing the primate made him "less likely to vote for her” since “memes don’t have the life experience necessary to help run a country.” Additionally, in a somewhat less anticipated twist, Stein has lost the support of many Cincinnati labor unions still trying to eliminate the ubiquitous and “tired” Harambe meme from their city’s lexicon. Given the conflicting responses to Stein’s decision, it should be interesting to see how she fares in the next poll. At press time, members of the newly established Choate Young Green Partyists, formed following Stein’s announcement, met to discuss how their party’s candidate could utilize Harambe to rise through the polls and, hopefully, bring an end to the partisan duopoly on the presidency. According to witness reports, the meeting did not last very long.
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effort, reportedly giving up his leadership position on the debate team to join the rap club instead. “It was weird,” said Anselm Kizza-Besigye ’17, one of Ben’s fellow debaters, “Leland just started freestyling during rounds one day while he was giving his opening remarks, and then he suddenly just got up and left. I found out later that night that he’d gone straight to Rap Club.” Investigators’ reports say that Ben’s choice to quit the club was motivated by a desire to “finally have aux privileges” and “be in a place where [he] could deliver [his] ill flow.” In order to really connect with the youth, Ben has gone so far as to trade in his National Review subscription for instant post notifications on Kanye West’s Twitter feed. Additionally, his Facebook page, formerly home to passionate political rants, has now become a memorial to the deceased primate Harambe. Ben’s wardrobe has taken a sharp turn as well: according to reports, his infamous Barbour jacket, Vineyard Vines corduroys, and Gucci loafers have all been exchanged for a Nike hoodie, Lululemon joggers, and Timberland boots. Lucas Ferrer ’17, an acquaintance of Ben, has noticed changes even in the way he discussed politics. “He only talks about political events through
memes now,” Ferrer told reporters. “I texted him to ask what he thought of the candidates’ performances in the second debate, and he just sent me back a picture of Ken Bone. I wasn’t really sure how to respond.” Ben’s newfound popularity amongst teenagers has caused his fellow student council member and school president Cecilia Zhou ’17 to fear a bold move coming from his direction in the future. “I’m honestly pretty worried,” a visibly anxious Zhou told reporters, “He’s popular enough now that he could probably lead an impeachment vote against me. Hopefully he doesn’t gain any more momentum, or he could definitely start some kind of coup for the presidency before the end of the term.” In light of the club’s leader’s recent changes in behavior, many have been wondering if the Young Republicans will endorse the highly controversial Republican candidate Donald Trump. With all looking to Ben for his final decision, he decided to go with a “fourth party candidate”: Waka Flocka Flame. He later justified his decision to reporters, saying, “Flocka will really just go harder in the paint than anyone else.” At press time, officials at the Committee on Student Activities reported receiving a request from Ben asking to change the spelling of the name “Choate Young Republicans” to “Choate Yvng Repubs.” COSA has yet to give an answer.
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announcement of the speaker, the Choate administration also released a detailed schedule of events for the upcoming Diversity Day. The day will begin with a debate between Trump and the Young Democrats’ president, Mohammed Memfis ’17, where moderators will ask the nominee irrelevant questions in the hopes that he will actually discuss policy while he inevitably evades the questions actually posed to him. Following the debate, Trump will give a speech and hold a book-signing session for his ghostwritten piece “The Art of the Deal.” Later, students will meet for individual discussion pods throughout the remainder of the day, with one break for lunch. The Diversity Day Planning Committee has clarified that all catering will be supplied by the Trump Steaks, Trump Water, and Trump Wine organizations. When asked about its motivations in choosing Trump as the Diversity Day speaker, the Choate administration stated that the GOP nominee was chosen because his background would provide over-privileged Choate students to with an understanding of the difficulties that others may face throughout their lives. In a recent
interview, Trump commented while seemingly holding back tears, “It has not been easy for me. And you know—everyone knows, I’m a star; we have a movement going here—I started off in New York, in Queens, and my father gave me a loan—a very small loan, the smallest loan—of only a million dollars that I’ve had to work with to get where I am today.” In a period of steady national progress toward increased tolerance, the administration believed it important to bring in someone who has constantly shown respect for people of all backgrounds, a fact evidenced by Trump’s immense popularity among minorities. “His inspiring rhetoric, appeal to minorities, and self-described inordinately large hands were all important considerations,” mentioned one board member when asked how the decision was made. Even in light of other notable special program speeches from recent years—such as Hillary Clinton’s lecture on online privacy and Anthony Weiner’s discussion of hookup culture—Trump maintains that his will be the most impactful for the community, telling reporters, “Believe me, it will be a tremendous success—the biggest, like nothing you’ve ever seen—just trust me.” At press time, the head administrator tasked with planning Diversity Day commented on the decision, justifying to reporters, “What do we have to lose?”
CANDIDATE NEWS | 3 Melania Trump to Appear Before JC for Plagiarism Hearing By Eliza Yossarian Copy Editor Melania Trump’s speech at the Republican National Convention in August took an embarrassing turn when many noticed striking similarities between her words and those of Michelle Obama’s 2008 Democratic National Convention address. Mrs. Trump’s speech about family values and the incentive for working hard was, at moments, nearly identical to Mrs. Obama’s speech, with phrases like “values that you work hard for in your life” copied verbatim. Given these similarities, allegations of plagiarism were immediately mounted against the prospective First Lady. To follow up these allegations, the Judicial Committee of Choate Rosemary Hall has decided to hold a hearing with Mrs. Trump to ascertain the details surrounding her honor code infraction and provide a punishment befitting her transgressions. Although, many citizens were concerned that Trump would be given special treatment in the high-profile case due to her affluence and status, the chair of the Judicial Committee, Olivia Van Den Born ’17, denied such claims, telling reporters, “We plan on processing this case just as we would any other. All citizens are
equal in the view of the Student Handbook, and it is the responsibility of all JC representatives to put political biases aside in order to pursue justice and a fair trial.” “I don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong; I just said what I thought.” Mrs. Melania Trump
In an exclusive interview with reporters, Donald Trump said of the trial, “We're gonna do this, and we're gonna do it right. I'm gonna stand by my wife and we're gonna do this correctly. She hasn't done anything wrong, and we're gonna make sure that's clear. We're going to do this right, and once we’re done doing this right, we're gonna fix this country and make America great again— the right way.” Ivanka Trump ’00, Melania Trump’s stepdaughter, drew upon her knowledge of the JC
from her time at Choate to advise her stepmother on how to handle the meeting. Her confidence bolstered by the insider knowledge, Mrs. Trump herself was seemingly optimistic about the upcoming trial, telling reporters, “I don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong; I just said what I thought. There are only so many words in the English language, and maybe we used a few of the same ones. Always remember that Donald and I want the children in this nation to know that the only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work for them, and that is what we truly believe.” Melania Trump’s hearing will take place on October 30, 2016. The verdict will be released in the following days. At press time, Melania told reporters that she was not anxious about the trial in the slightest, saying, “The only thing I have to fear is fear itself.”
4 | POLITICS AT CHOATE Choate Student Changes Mind Following Facebook Argument By Annie Staff Writer Last Thursday, reporters received confirmation of an unprecedented event in Choate history. Allegedly, following a heated debate in the comment sections of a Facebook post, a Choate student changed his opinion on a political issue. Although most self-described experts on political life at Choate have tended to agree that such an occurrence is impossible, after extensive corroboration of the reports, the event has been confirmed true. Fifth former Anthony Robinson ’18 opened Facebook on Sunday night with a well-formed opinion about gun laws in this country, but, after arguing extensively with four other students and two alumni, he suddenly experienced a radical change of heart. “I don't know, I guess the way they avoided addressing my actual argument to twist my words and correct my grammar instead eventually won me over,” explained the student. “On top of that, all their statistics specifically excluded any information that didn’t support their opinion, so there were no counter examples that would
normally disprove their point!” The student continued, “Seriously, I’ve never been so impressed by such fallacious reasoning. Like, using straw man, appeal to emotion, and stacking the deck all in like, max, two comments? They even fit ‘think of the children’ somewhere among their other shotgun fallacy points. It was really something else.” The student’s roommate, who was present for Robinson’s transformation, described it as a “spiritual experience.” “It was incredible,” he excitedly told reporters. “I've never seen such a complete turnaround in someone’s thinking come out of a Facebook argument before.” Robinson continued, “I mean, they were pretty convinced of my overall incompetence, and once I really thought about it, I realized they were right! It turns out that my original thoughts and independently formed opinions were all fundamentally flawed since, after all, they did disagree with their’s.” At press time, Robinson was seen sharing articles from both Breitbart and Vox, leading many to wonder whether he had any strongly held political beliefs to begin with.
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LIBERAL EXHILARATED AFTER ENCOUNTERING FIRST SWEEPING GENERALIZATION By Eleanor Rigby Staff Writer Recently, Dilan Stuffings ’20 reported having “corrected” her first bigoted, sweeping generalization. The student, a member of Choate Young Democrats; Peer Educators; Choate Vegan Society; CAHA (Choate Anti-Hypermasculinity Association); Students for Sanders; the various affinity groups SAGE, CDSA, SPECTRUM, MHAC, CSA, QQRS, SACX, PL4RQ; and Art Club, heard another student make what she described as a “clearly and deeply bigoted generalization” from across the crowded Lanphier Café. The student promptly bolted across the room, inserted herself into the group’s conversation, and delivered an impassioned speech about the “complex discrepancies of the lives of people in different groups and the greater need for equality for all human and animal kind.” According to sources close to Stuffings, she has submitted the speech for a Pulitzer Prize, and is waiting to hear back on whether she has won.
Reporters were able to secure a meeting with the sought-after individual, between her interviews with other acclaimed papers such as The New York Times, The Boston Globe, and The Choate News. “The feeling of delivering my unequivocal truth to the matter was invigorating.” Dilan Stuffings ’20
“This was the first time I was really able to apply my comprehensive knowledge of social justice to a real world experience,” the student told reporters. “When I heard the comment being made, I ran over as fast as I could. I’ve only ever heard such an uninformed statement spoken on Choate’s campus, and I had to battle others for rebuttal time. The feeling of delivering my unequivocal truth to the matter was invigorating. I could finally use the knowledge and rhetoric I’ve been accumulating at all of the club meetings that I attend.”
When asked about her plans for the future, the student responded, “I received such a rush from making that correction that I’m considering traveling off campus in order to further practice my skills. If I can’t get a trip organized off-campus, I’ll probably just start attending Choate Young Republicans meetings and interrupting everyone to tell them their opinions are invalid.” In response to all the positive attention received by her speech, the student commented, “I think that the recognition my speech has gotten is largely due to the fact that I shared it on social media. The first thing I did after delivering the speech was post it to my Snapchat story. I also wrote a Facebook post about the incident, and published a small book, which I already have up on Amazon. At press time, Stuffings was sighted speaking loudly over a fellow student who was in the middle of trying to explain how conservative speech at Choate is often stifled.
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GREEN PARTY MEMBERSHIP SURGES AFTER C-PROCTOR MOVIE NIGHT By A. Lee Scornwall Staff Writer In late August 2016, Choate’s Conservation Proctors were contacted by Jill Stein, the Green Party nominee for this Presidential election. Stein’s campaign sought to co-host the upcoming C-Proctor Movie Night to increase national awareness and support for the Green Party. Although honored to be chosen by Stein’s team, C-Proctor Michael Ferrante ’17 told reporters, “It’s not like we were shocked, considering how crucial the Conservation Proctors are in the American political scene. It’s definitely not the first time the Green
Party has tried to profit off our fame.” “It’s not like we were shocked, considering how crucial the Conservation Proctors are in the American political scene.” Michael Ferrante ’17
Stein’s campaign selected Choate community to host its final large-scale event before the election because of the respect that Choate students reportedly show for the environment. One recent survey on campus, for example, found that about 17 in every 100 Choate stu-
dents could differentiate between the alternately colored trash, compost, and recycling bins. Undoubtedly, these impressive statistics contributed to Stein’s choice to team up with Choate’s C-Proctors on Friday, September 9th, for an unforgettable screening of “Free Willy.” When asked how the C-Proctors decided on the film, Erica Boutros ’19 replied, “We knew that we needed something that would capture the nation’s attention the way we have in previous years, so we chose a controversial and eye-opening piece.” Noting the movie’s history of controversy, Mr. Stanley warned the Choate com-
munity by email several days prior to the event, “We encourage you all to watch the movie, but please don’t take its PG rating lightly; this is not a G-rated movie. They’re called ‘killer whales’ for a reason.” The high risk taken by Choate’s C-Proctors yielded a high reward, as feedback for the event was overwhelmingly positive. Recalled one third former, “I think there were some snacks outside of Mem.” In light of such candid and heartfelt reactions as this, the C-Proctors and members of Jill Stein’s campaign turned to the polls. Stein’s numbers had rocketed from a
relatively stagnant 2.7% approval rating to a towering 2.8% immediately after the movie. Ms. Katrina Homan, the Director of Sustainability at Choate, was surprised by the success of Stein’s partnership with Choate, telling reporters, “I certainly wasn’t expecting a third party campaign like Stein’s to work so effectively with a nationally recognized group like the C-Proctors, yet somehow, it turned out to be a big boost for us both.” At press time, Homan was seen collaborating with Stein’s campaign manager to establish the first annual “Green Party Cup” at Choate to begin November 2016.
Young Centrists Unsure of Where to Throw Dodgeballs By Earnest Hemingway Section Editor Each year, Choate’s Young Democrats and Young Republicans clubs convene in the Worthington Johnson Athletic Center to express their political frustrations through a game of dodgeball. This year, however, a new non-partisan force have decided to join in— the Young Centrists. Though initially excited to participate, the Centrists quickly realized that the game would be more complicated than they
had anticipated. Sources inside Young Centrists confirmed that the group’s confusion began while planning their strategy before the game. Said the club president, Lucas Ferrer ’17, “As we mapped out our game plan, we quickly realized a major issue. Although we agreed with some of the ways the Republicans throw the balls, we liked the way the Democrats did a couple of things, too. I guess both methods just seemed too extreme to us.” When asked to elaborate on their strategy
further, the Young Centrists told reporters that they had attempted to take a “nonpartisan” approach to the game. An officer of the club, James Rose ’18, commented, “I don’t see why we should have to choose one ideology when it comes to dodgeball. Limiting ourselves to party lines pretty much represents everything wrong with dodgeball-playing today.” Unfortunately for the Young Centrists, their principled nonpartisan position earned them
nothing but a resounding loss. According to eyewitness reports, the Young Centrists had spent so much time juggling the merits of the Young Republicans’ and Young Democrats’ respective dodgeball styles that they missed out on the opportunity to actually throw any dodgeballs. “By the time we’d started coming to a consensus, it was too late,” remarked one member of the Young Centrists, “We sort of just stood in the middle of the court trying out different styles
until we were all knocked out by the more partisan club members. I didn’t even throw a single ball.” At press time, members of the Young Democrats and Young Republicans reported that, from what they saw, the Young Centrists never actually made an effort to participate. Said one witness, “They spent the whole game complaining about the ‘two-party system’ and ‘partisan gridlock,’ so we just got them out first. I’m not even sure what side they were supposed to be on.”
6 | OPINIONS
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Republicans, Vote Your Conscience: Write In Reagan By Deus Vult Writer In an election where all seems lost for us conservatives, there is still hope for our nation. Although the GOP nominee, Donald Trump, might seem even worse than the sea of other terrible contenders for the presidency, there is still one option left for us desperate Republicans: Ronald Reagan. Using the power of the write-in vote, we traditionalist right-wing Republicans can vote for the greatest American of all time. The Godfather of Conservatism, Reagan has been a pioneer of true American values from the very beginning. He started his political career by conquering one of the most liberal, uncouth states in the Union: California. Serving as governor, Reagan used his position to bolster himself to the presidency, serving from 1981 to 1989, a period spanning eight years, which is the longest amount of time a president can serve in office. This rule was put into effect after the reign of the tyrant Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who in his sixteen years of presidency brought socialist rule upon the United States. Although, legally, Reagan only served two terms as POTUS, to any true conservative, he’s
already served four, and for one simple reason: he’s twice the man of any other in this great, free country. Since he has already served in this nation’s most demanding office for sixteen years, who cares if he serves for another sixteen (or thirty-two, or one hundred)? He has brought nothing but victory to America, and his accomplishments in office serve as another justification to write in this pinnacle of American greatness. To add to his qualifications—hardly necessary with such an overqualified candidate like this one—Reagan is an expert in foreign pol-
icy, and has big plans for dealing with the crisis in the Middle East. To fix the consequences of President Barack Obama’s faulty ‘nuclear deal’ and questionable hostage negotiations with Iran, Reagan plans on using the knowledge he gained from his own success with Iran in the past to clean up the current President’s mess. Engaged in negotiations with the Middle Eastern power since the Cold War, Ron knows that the only time it’s okay to give weapons to Iran is when you’re cleaning up Jimmy Carter’s liberal mess. When I met him in person at a recent campaign rally to hear
about his foreign policy plans, Reagan told me, “I’ll have Iran hand over their uranium faster than you can say ‘Argo.’” While Donald Trump wants to ally himself with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, showing his naiveté with our ‘friends’ to the East, old Ron knows a thing or two about the Russians. If he could deal with Gorbachev, a no-name weakling president like Vladimir Putin should be no problem. For those unfortunately not as patriotic well-read as they should be, here’s a little abridged history lesson: Ronald Reagan single-handedly
de m o c r a c y - p u n c h e d Soviet-Era communism through the Iron Curtain, and then used a wrecking ball of freedom to knock down the Berlin Wall. And trust me, he’ll do the same to Putin. Ron’s policy with the Russians isn’t his only strength, however; if he can knock down a wall, he can certainly build one. Reports say that Reagan has already started building ‘The Wall’ on the Mexico-United States border, using only his hands and the great American soil upon which he was born. He won’t even need to make Mexico pay for it. To solve America’s trillion-dollar debt problem, Reagan has converted his shining city upon a hill, the Reagan Ranch, into an “all-American theme park,” which has driven the liberal fascist-led Disney World out of business and given jobs back to hard-working, deserving Americans. In the face of adversity, Ronald Reagan will not blame China or attempt to delete his problems thirty thousand times. Instead, he’ll stare it dead in the face and trample it on his trusty steed of liberty. Conservatives, vote your heart this election: write in Reagan—he made America great once, and he can surely do it again.
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Hillary Clinton Too Unfit for the Presidency By Garçon Remy Section Editor This summer, we gathered to cheer on this country’s greatest athletes as they competed on the world stage against every nation’s best, carrying both national pride and glory on their backs. The United States returned from the Rio Olympics with almost double the number of medals received by the games’ second place country for one simple reason: America has the strongest, fittest, and fastest people in the world. As I look at this election and see YouTube videos showcasing Hillary Clinton’s various life-threatening illnesses, I realize something painfully obvious: Hillary Clinton is simply not fit enough for this nation’s highest office. It takes an especially strong person to lead the strongest country in the world, and when I look at Hillary Clinton, I find it difficult to imagine her curling anything more than 15 lbs. in the gym—and with pretty bad form, too. Compared to several time world-champion and Olympic gymnast Sam Mikulak, Clinton looks like a twig for the enemies of democ-
racy to snap in half. Ibtihaj Muhammad looks fitter in a head-to-toe fencing outfit than Clinton does in her pantsuits—something simply unacceptable for someone supposed to project the strength of the United States on the global stage. While I am not saying that she has to be some kind of Michael Phelps, I feel like it is not too much to ask for her to be around the same level as Katie Ledecky or Simone Biles physically. It would be an embarrassment to our nation if, when foreign leaders inevitably challenge our President to an impromptu dressage contest, our Commander-in-Chief gave a score barely warranting bronze. America is the best country on Earth, and we deserve someone strong in every sense to lead us. If anything, to elect someone as clearly un-athletic as Hillary Clinton would be an act of disrespect toward the hundreds of all-American athletes who would be forced to watch her inauguration thinking, “My VO2 Max is definitely better than hers.” If Clinton is not the fittest person this country has to offer, she simply does not deserve the Oval Office.
Don’t Count Bernie Out Yet, He Can Still Win This Thing By Donnie Trumpet Section Editor Three months deep into the general election, most of the campaign buzz centers around Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton’s respective problems and ideas. We get it: one is a xenophobic, sexist money-launderer who’s filed for bankruptcy several times, and the other is a shady, emotionless crook with 30,000 suspicious emails. The choices this year seem pretty un-compelling, until you remember that there is still one candidate who represents everything we want in a president: Bernie Sanders. Sanders’s campaign is founded on all of the things we young, hip people have always supported: socialism, progressive tax codes, and economic redistribution. I mean, have you ever been at a party and met someone cool who didn’t think we need a political revolution? Ask anyone young enough to have a clue about the state of our country, and they’ll tell you that it’s pretty clear that the coming revolution needs a candidate whose economic ideals are truly symbolic of the 20th century-New England-progressive-liberal movement. If anything, it’s what we’ve been waiting our whole lives to see.
Bernie Sanders, shown above, receives less media attention than any of the other candidates. The primary contest ture—he’s not even in with Crooked Hillary the debates. This lack was pretty brutal, but of negative attention is if you look at the actu- a clear indicator that if al facts, Bernie obvi- there is a silent majorously managed to come ity, it supports Bernie, out on top. I mean, not Trump. all it takes is one look So, when someone at Facebook to see he tries to argue that Gary clearly had more sup- Johnson is going to port—it’s just that that be the next president, Clinton crony ex-DNC don’t feel bad about Chair Debbie Wasser- laughing in their face. man Schultz manipulat- Tell them that there is ed the vote weightings only one person who so her crooked friend actually understands would make her a cam- our needs and desires. paign official. Even de- It’s clearly not Hillary, spite Crooked Hillary she’s way too bossy— cheating him out of the and Trump’s a buffoon. nomination, we true Take a look at the grasssupporters still believe roots work he’s doing Bernie can pull through even now at Hillary’s and win this thing. campaign rallies, and Every day, Bernie it becomes clear: Berreceives less media at- nie Sanders is on track tention than any of to win the electoral the other candidates. I college and take back don’t see any talk of his the presidency for the numerous gaffes, atro- American people, and cious poll numbers, or we should be on board lack of campaign struc- to help him.
8 | CAMPAIGN UPDATES YANELLI Continued from P1
appeared to be logistical reminders about events for students at the Connecticut boarding school Choate Rosemary Hall and were sent incessantly. Online readers were immediately puzzled by the letters’ content and connection to Clinton in the first place. With no further statement from the FBI, speculation across social media has been rampant. One Facebook user wrote, “Clearly, these emails are innocent. Clinton is getting someone to feed her classified info using some kind of code and I will not have it!” Claimed one Twitter user, a self-described amateur cryptographer, “‘SAC dance’ is a nuclear launch code!! #exposeClinton2016” Reporters reached out to Clinton directly to get the candidate’s take on her curious emails, but were only able to reach Huma Abedin, her top adviser, who told them, “I agree that it’s a bit odd Clinton is receiving this magnitude of emails from Yanelli. In any case, the real mystery lies in how this person is able to send such a large volume of emails in such a short time, not his relationship with Clinton.” At press time, the FBI released a statement finding similar correspondences on the email server of Ivanka Trump ’00, daughter of GOP nominee Donald Trump and an alumna herself of Choate.
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Anthony Weiner Required to Attend Sexual Counseling Sessions at Pratt Health Center By Caroline Wintour Writer Last Thursday, a court ordered former New York Senator Anthony Weiner to visit the Choate Rosemary Hall Health Center for sexual counseling in the aftermath of revelations that he had engaged in extramarital exchanges of lewd photographs with multiple females online. Referencing the positive impact the policy has had on members of the Choate community, the court believed The Pratt Health Center, shown above, was chosen by Weiner for its proximity to New York. the program would be the most effective oprupting other patients’ ensure the technology tion for Weiner. Anon- “Ex-Senator Weiner care with the inevitable would suffice, he has ymous sources told obviously understands throng of press and pro- sent some still shots of reporters that Weiner that he has a serious testers that would ac- various body parts for considered the Choate problem. He has already company his visits to the Lewis-Key to review Health Center a good taken the first two steps facility. As the physician and has also requested choice because of the toward healing: admitstated, “Mr. Weiner has that his nurse send him convenient commute ting his problem, and been extremely con- still shots of herself to from New York. siderate. He feels bad test the equipment on asking for help.” Dr. Monique Lewabout the attention he’s his side. The software is-Key, the counselor Dr. Monique Lewis-Key brought our facility and also allows Weiner to assigned to the former is doing everything in control the webcam Senator was initially Weiner obviously under- his power not to disrupt in Lewis-Key’s office skeptical of Weiner’s stands that he has a seri- our routine operations. while the physician committed attitude to- ous problem. He has al- We think Telemedicine controls the webcam in ward the counseling, ready taken the first two will be very effective in Weiner’s home, simubut reports state that she steps toward healing: ad- making his treatment lating a real face-to-face was later reassured when mitting his problem, and plan work with our doctors’ visit. Weiner requested that a asking for help.” needs as a facility.” At press time, ex-Senfull-body physical exLewis-Key was also According to the ator Weiner was sighted amination be performed thrilled when Weiner Health Center staff, adding Dr. Lewis-Key on ahead of time to ensure then requested to use Weiner has been very Snapchat, the popular that nothing was medi- an application called active in testing the photo-messaging applically wrong or would get Telemedicine—a new Telemedicine system’s cation, under the userin the way of his treat- remote medical video- capacity before official- name “Carlos_Danger.” ment. Said Lewis-Key to conferencing system— ly making the switch reporters, “Ex-Senator in order to avoid dis- in his counseling. To
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Spanish Teachers Unions Officially Disavow Trump after Mispronunciation of Word “Hombre” By Garçon Remy Section Editor Last Thursday, Spanish teachers across the country officially united to disavow Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump in light of his several problematic comments at the third presidential debate on October 19th. Particularly, the tipping point for this crucial demographic occurred when Trump responded to a question about immigration policy. As part of his answer, the GOP candidate stated “And once the border is secured, at a later date, we’ll make a determination as to the rest, but we have some bad hombres here, and we’re going to get them out.” Following this comment, the Spanish Teachers Union of America released an official statement condemning the candidate: “In response to Mr. Donald J. Trump’s remark on Wednesday, we, representing all teachers of the Spanish language in the United States, must follow our principles and refuse to allow the ignorance of Mr. Trump to continue any longer. Regardless of anything else mentioned in the debate, Trump’s pronunciation of the word “hombres” is simply inexcusable and is a representation
of his glaring cultural obliviousness. It is for this reason that we must condemn Mr. Trump and instead support Mrs. Hillary Clinton and her Spanish-speaking vice presidential pick, Mr. Tim Kaine.” When asked to comment on the statement, a representative from the Spanish Teachers Union of America told reporters, “As the daughter of legal Mexican immigrants, I find Trump’s comments utterly deplorable. Spanish is my first language, and never in my life have I heard someone pronounce the word ‘hombre’ in the way he did.” “Even sixth graders are able to get it right,”
added a middle school Spanish teacher, “It’s ‘oh-mbres,’ not ‘hahmbrays,’” she said, exaggerating the vowel shape to reporters, “and don’t even get me started on how he pronounced the ‘r’ in the middle.” “Who cares whether he knows how to speak Spanish? This is America, we speak American here. #BuildThatWall.” Wayde Marshal Jackson Sr.
Many native Spanish speakers, as well as students studying the language in school, posted online about the debate moment, too. For the most part, they echoed
the sentiments of the teachers unions; for example, one high school student tweeted, “yo trump would dead have a worse grade in spanish than me #badhombres.” Similar such posts were made on Facebook, occasionally prompting the heated political debate common to the social media platform, illustrated in the comments of one user, named Wayde Marshal Jackson Sr., on a post mocking the presidential nominee’s pronunciation, in which he said, “Who cares whether he knows how to speak Spanish? This is America, we speak American here. #BuildThatWall.” Because of his pro-
ficiency in Spanish, reporters also interviewed vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine for his reaction to Trump’s statements. He told his interviewer, “Es probablemente el peor pronunciación del español que yo he oído en toda mi vida. Trump debería ser avergonzado de él mismo.” Trump himself has yet to comment on the controversy, but sources within the Trump campaign have reported that he does not see any issue with his statement. Rudy Giuliani, a prominent surrogate for the Trump campaign, told reporters, “He actually thinks his pronunciation was pretty good, and I’ve got to agree. He had a real Hispanic teach him how to say it, and he practiced it several times before the debate, so he clearly knew what he was doing.” He continued, “If some Hispanics can’t see that he was correct, then they’re either not really Spanish, or they’re lying and need to go back to Mexico.” At press time, women’s studies professors across the country followed in the Spanish teachers’ footsteps and condemned Trump as well, citing his “nasty woman” comment as the straw that broke the camel’s back.
10 | CAMPAIGN UPDATES Whom Your Zodiac Sign Says You Should Vote For SCORPIO 23 Oct-22 Nov Ted Cruz
ARIES 21 Mar-19 Apr Ted Cruz
CANCER 22 Jun¬-23 Jul Ted Cruz
SAGITTARIUS 23 Nov-21 Dec Ted Cruz
TAURUS 20 Apr-20 May Ted Cruz
LEO: 24 Jul-23 Aug Ted Cruz VIRGO: 24 Aug-22 Sept Ted Cruz
Lorem Ipsum* Hillary Clinton Unable To Balance Campaign, JC Election By Nikki Y Section Editor
As the 2016 presidential race begins to LIBRA wind down, reports have 23 Sept-22 Oct emerged arguing that AQUARIUS Ted Cruz Democratic nominee 21 Jan-19 Feb Hillary Clinton should Ted Cruz By Your Uncle, Sam be taken out of considPISCES Staff Writer eration for the presi20 Feb-20 Mar dency on account of her Ted Cruz campaign for the Choate Rosemary Hall Judicial Committee. Clinton, the first official major-party female presidential nominee as of July, announced her intention to run for the JC in mid-August. Volume 2, Special Issue “It’d be an honor to be on the Judicial CommitJames Rose ’18, Editor-in-Chief tee,” she told reporters Liza Mackeen-Shapiro ’18, Editor-in-Chief in an exclusive interview. “I’m a firm believer in fair Copy Editors: and just punishments, Kristen Andonie ’17 Zara Harding ’18 and I want to provide Sarah Gelbach ’17 Nina Hastings ’18 people with the best. I’m Cecilia Zhou ’17 Neve Scott ’18 fully prepared to devote Donessa Colley ’18 Sarah Koljaka ’19 my resources to both my presidential campaign and the JC election.” Staff Writers: Section Editors: Following this anStephanie Liu ’17 Antigone Ntagkounakis ’17 nouncement, however, Becca Rubright ’17 Josephine Mah ’18 numerous sources obYasmin Abdella ’18 Alyssa Shin ’18 served schedule conflicts Elyse Cornwall ’18 Nicole Yao ’18 in Clinton’s campaign, Eilidh Dunsmore ’19 Daniel Zanuttini-Frank ’18 leading many to express Ellen O’Rourke ’19 concern over her ability Writers: to effectively manage the Reade Ben ’18 two positions. Donald Imad Rizvi ’18 Trump, the GOP nomiRebekah Agwunobi ’19 nee and Clinton’s greatest Esinam Dunyoh ’20 current rival, helped fuel the fire when he insinuSabrina Xie ’17, Layout ated that Clinton would Zev Nicolai-Scanio ’18, Web Development be skipping the upcoming presidential debate Ms. Isabel Aguirre-Kelly, Adviser to give a speech at SeyMs. Kayla Cloud, Adviser mour St. John Chapel for Mrs. Marybeth Duckett-Ireland, Adviser the fifth-form JC speech meeting. “What we need CAPRICORN 22 Dec-20 Jan Ted Cruz
GEMINI 21 May-21 Jun Now that Mercury is no longer in retrograde, it appears that no one asked for your opinion. The best thing for you to do is sit this election out and let nature take its course.
This Issue of
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is someone who is capable of running this country,” Trump commented at a recent press conference, “not some wannabe lawyer who won’t even show up to the debates.” Trump’s remarks evoked mixed responses. One Twitter user wrote, “What’s a presidential debate without the future president??? [sic]” Another user replied, “I would legit pay good money to see Donald Trump debate with himself.” Some responses even desperately urged Democrat Bernie Sanders, who dropped out of the race in early July, to take her place. One Clinton publicists later denied Trump’s claim, stating that Clinton would be present at all debates, and is prepared to win. Clinton later corroborated, thanking her campaign followers for their continued support in both elections. “Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend form meeting next week,” she wrote in an announcement that was later forwarded to the fifth-form class by Form Deans Michael Velez and Nancy Miller. At press time, a source requesting an anonymous reported that Clinton had barely even managed to secure enough of signatures on her JC petition before the deadline. Though reporters have reached out for follow-up comments, the source has yet to be found again.
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SCANDAL REPORT | 11
HILLARY CLINTON MEDICAL RECORDS
EXPOSED
By Your Uncle, Sam Staff Writer
Recent Snowden papers released this past Monday reveal details about Hillary Rodham Clinton’s scandalous medical history. The BIGGEST shockers, written by a REAL doctor are listed below: 8. Hillary Rodham Clinton needed treatment for head lice throughout a full month of her junior year of high school 6. Hillary Rodham Clinton weighed 7.5 pounds at birth. This weight is sorely average and wholly inappropriate for a presidential hopeful. 5. Contrary to popular belief, Hillary Rodham Clinton was not born in Edgewater Hospital, Chicago. She was actually born in Edgewater Animal Hospital in Edgewater, New Jersey, which debunks the narrative that Clinton is truly from the 773. 4. At age four, Ms. Clinton was diagnosed with a severe case of chickenpox. This means the Democratic nominee is statistically likely to catch shingles, a disease that causes such debilitating symptoms as rashes and blisters. 3. Clinton’s ophthalmology records reveal the real reason she wears glasses when she reads: a debilitating illness called hyperopia. 2. Since the age of 2, Mrs. Clinton has been periodically receiving tetanus shots, which, according to Dr. Jill Stein, could have severe effects on her health.
By Diana Prince Staff Writer Here’s a list of just SOME of the SHOCKING items he’s paid for using money from the Donald J. Trump Foundation: Golden Rubber Duckies — $14.1 MILLION Cardboard Cutouts of Himself — $6.2 BILLION Authentic Anime Cosplay Costumes — $400 THOUSAND Hot Cheetos Hair Dye — $6.3 TRILLION Various Weekly UFO Magazine Subscriptions — $1,470 These purchases show that TRUMP is a LOSER who spends money on CHILDREN’S TOYS! CHILDREN are flocking to Mr. Trump’s campaign. When one Choate fifth former saw these purchases he said he liked that Trump had interests outside his candidacy. This is PROOF that Mr. Trump DOES NOT HAVE AMERICA’S INTERESTS FIRST!
1. On Friday, September 9, 2016, Hillary Rodham Clinton was diagnosed with pneumonia.
Trump also has purchased UFO paraphernalia with his magazines, unveiling a MASSIVE CONSPIRACY by the FBI to cover decades of clear evidence in favor of extraterrestrial life on earth.
Clearly, Hillary Clinton is TOO SICK to be President! DO NOT TRUST HER CAMPAIGN STAFF AND HER FAKE DOCTORS!!
DONALD TRUMP IS A CHILD WHO WILL USE YOUR TAX DOLLARS TO BUY MELANIA RUBBER DUCKIES! MCMULLIN 2016!!!
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Choate Rosemary Hall’s Leading (And Only)
Satirical Newspaper
Volume 2, Special Issue
*All quotes, events, and references are utter hogwash. Don't believe a thing we say.
FBI REPORT REVEALS APPROXIMATELY 20,000 OF CLINTON’S DELETED EMAILS SENT BY JIM YANELLI By Eliza Yossarian Copy Editor Last Friday, the Federal Bureau of Investigation released a new report concerning the deleted email scandal currently haunting Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. The report revealed that over 20,000 of the emails Clinton controversially deleted—over two-thirds of the total server—were sent by the same person: Mr. James Yanelli. The content of the emails was curiously benign, posing no apparent threat to na-
tional security nor providing any clear evidence of wrongdoing by Clinton; however, many considered the sheer quantity of correspondence indicative of foul play. FBI Director James Coney released a statement on the emails: “I speak on behalf of the entire Bureau when I say that this was an incredibly unexpected development. While the information conveyed in these messages does not seem incriminating for Clinton and her advisers upon first glance, the sheer volume of emails from this
Yanelli character is remarkable. I think it’s safe to say we’ve never seen anything quite like this. We will be investigating James Yanelli further and plan to look into whether he was involved in the Clinton ‘pay-for-play’ scandal. We are committed to getting to the heart of this matter, and we won’t quit until the American public knows the truth.” The emails were later disseminated to the public via Wikileaks. The majority of the emails contained what Continued on P8
Leland Ben ’17 Launches Campaign to Win Over Millennial Voters By Deus Vult Writer In his latest effort to garner further support for his Student Council position and initiatives, Leland Ben ’17 has launched a revolutionary campaign to win over the crucial millennial demographic. Reinventing himself to appeal to the average millennial, Ben has traded in many facets of his personality for “new and improved” characteristics. He took his new persona to this year’s
opening SAC dance, where he talked for the first time with many of his peers and, as he put it, took “the hype to a whole new level.” Reports described Leland as dabbing clumsily yet furiously for the entire dance; quote one eyewitness, “I’ve never seen anyone pipe it up like that before.” To accompany his new mannerisms, Ben has reportedly updated his vocabulary in an attempt to sound more “appealing to the youths.” In place of his previous lexicon, which in-
cluded words such as ‘quite,’ ‘significant,’ and ‘fantastic,’ Ben has begun to litter his sentences with more updated expressions, like ‘‘4real,’ ‘OD important,’ and ‘mad lit.’ He has also begun to start and ending every sentence with the phrase “my guy.” According to his former English teacher, Ben used the phrase “mad lit” over sixty times in his AmStuds final essay. Ben has even gone so far as to alter his extracurricular activities as part of the Continued on P2
Donald Trump Chosen as 2017 Diversity Day Speaker By Iluv Putin Writer Last week, in a unanimous vote among the Board of Trustees, Donald Trump was chosen as the speaker for this school year’s Diversity Day. Ryan Lochte, the other candidate considered by the Board, rejected his invitation, telling reporters, “I’m still too traumatized from an incident in Rio de Janeiro to make any public appearances for a while. Because Trump is
“extremely busy,” reports state that he is still unsure whether he will be able to travel to Choate in early January. However, Trump has stated that should his schedule not permit the visit, he plans on addressing the Choate community anyway via livestream. In addition, he plans to bring his friend Russian President Vladimir Putin, to present a “fresh perspective on world issues” to students. To accompany their Continued on P3
In this Issue: Candidate News, 2-3 || Politics at Choate, 4-5 || Opinions, 6-7 || Campaign Updates, 8-10 || Scandal Report, 11-12