Starry Eyed

How do I make this all about me?

Bound together by the stars Extra One and The Most Extra Two, this constellation can be observed from any point on Earth, at any time of day—especially when you think it’s your turn to share what’s going on in your life. Modern mythology says this clusterfuck of stars was birthed when a person, not unlike yourself, completed a few mundane tasks on a Sunday morning without a hangover. When your zodiac is dominated by this conversational vampire—because it visits us all at some point— you will find yourself asking, “How do I make this about me?” since its power is very on-the-nose. You can generally find this obnoxious ball of gas suspiciously close to other constellations, regardless of time and space.

I can’t believe this is really happening

Miraculously, this constellation can be seen at all times of the day. Keep an eye out next time you’re around someone who insists on talking with their mouth full or chewing with their mouth open. I mean, were you raised in a barn? What makes you think it’s OK to take a call at work while you’re jawing away on some dried chickpeas, or smushing whatever god-awful creation you brought for lunch, into that poor caller’s ear? Oh, and a special shout-out to the mouth-breathers who have to struggle to inhale through their noses for a few minutes so they don’t choke. Here’s a hot tip from the universe to you: SLOW DOWN AND TAKE A MINUTE TO CHEW YOUR FOOD. Oh, and stars and stuff.

You don’t have to go home but...

All of us know a friend—but most likely an acquaintance—who can’t take a hint about when it’s time to stop the party. Maybe they’ve pulled out a fresh bottle of tequila at 3 a.m., or insist you accompany them to the bathroom. Or maybe they’re stroking your hair and talking about how glad they are to know you well into a sunrise. Please, don’t hold this against them, for they are under the power of a VERY persuasive constellation. It’s a little hard to make out next to the other clusters that keep a regular, reliable schedule, but this lil’ one will sneak out when you least expect it—although I would recommend expecting it between 11pm on Saturday evenings and 10am Sunday mornings. The mythology of this loveable screw-up has been lost to time, but suffice to say, there were definitely some outside influences that contributed to its final form. Maybe take a taxi home if you start to see its darker side appear around 2 a.m.

Read the room

You know the one I’m talking about. They say it was birthed from a Facebook post in 2009 when someone you know eagerly shared a favourable opinion and someone who you kind of know decided that it was the perfect time to post a counter view. Normally, I’m all for a healthy discourse, but sometimes it’s nice to just let a person enjoy themselves and their new discovery in a public forum before letting loose the rains of piss all over it. Take a peek at the sky when you next see this online phenomena and tell me you don’t spot the shape of a person leaning over their computer, shoulders hunched as though the weight of the world is upon them, warming up their talons to scratch away at the facade of another person’s happiness.

Where the hell have you been?

The next time you’re speaking to someone who’s completely oblivious to what’s current and happening in the world, look to the sky and see if they’re under the Where The Hell Have You Been constellation. You can’t miss its arc-like shape that looks like a rock, if you squint really hard.

Words by Anthony Casey Illustrations by Karen Shangguan