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Wellness Self-Compassion: Treating Yourself Like You Treat Your Friends
Self-Compassion: Treating Yourself Like You Treat Your Friends
By Amanda J. Deutsch, MD and Al’ai Alvarez, MD on behalf of the SAEM Wellness Committee
Once during residency, in response to overhearing me berate myself for a mistake, a coresident confronted me with a compelling question: “You would never say that to a friend or to one of us if we made a mistake, so why would you say that to yourself; why would you treat yourself that way?”
She was right. I was being unkind to myself. I was judging myself. I was not practicing self-compassion. In other words, I was not treating myself with the same kindness and compassion with which I would treat a friend going through a rough time. Unfortunately, lack of self-compassion not uncommon; according to Dr. Kristen Neff, “data suggests that the vast majority of people are more compassionate to others than to themselves.” The core components of selfcompassion are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. While our default is to avoid discomfort, these core components help teach us to face moments of suffering through the lens of self-compassion. Self-kindness reminds us to be less critical of ourselves and our shortcomings. With the understanding of our common humanity, we recognize the imperfectness or the “perfect works-in-progress” that all of us are. Do you know anyone who has never made a mistake, failed, fallen short, or humiliated themselves? After all, to be human is to be imperfect. With mindfulness, we face all of our emotions, even the momentary painful thoughts, to allow us to be open, aware, and present with our experiences. The mindfulness component enables us to observe our moments of suffering without going down the rabbit hole of exaggerating or overidentifying with these emotions. The myths surrounding selfcompassion are what create obstacles to the practice of self-compassion. These myths include, but are not limited to the idea that self-compassion is a form of self-pity, will make you weak, is selfish, will make you lazy, will be an excuse for indulgence, and will take away that driver of criticism that has gotten you to where you are in your career (you know, the one that that pushed you to get into medical school
and drove you to excel throughout the long hours of a shift and numerous missed holidays, birthdays, and weddings). But these myths keep you from partaking in the benefits of selfcompassion. Acknowledging these myths is critical to developing an openness to the practice of self-compassion.
Self-compassion is an inner source of strength that makes people stronger and more courageous in difficulties, not weaker for facing them. Self-compassion researchers, Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer found that selfcompassionate people are more likely to practice perspective-taking rather than focus on their own distress. Selfcompassionate people are more likely to have better mental health by ruminating less about their own hardships. Research also shows that being compassionate to yourself enables you to give more to others. Moreover, self-compassionate people tend to be more caring and supportive in romantic relationships and more likely to be forgiving towards others. Self-compassion helps you focus on long-term health and well-being, instead of short-term pleasure. Unsurprisingly, the research shows that self-compassionate people engage more in exercising, eating well, drinking less, and even visiting the doctor more regularly. (When was the last time you booked your own primary care visit or dental check-up?) Lastly, self-compassionate people take great personal responsibility by admitting mistakes rather than blaming others for them and maintaining high standards while not beating themselves up for failures. This means that through selfcompassion, you can fear failure less and develop the ability to persist and try again, despite facing disappointment. This is a growth mindset, and selfcompassion is critical to developing this mindset. Being self-compassionate will still allow you to apply for those grants, strive for promotion, go that extra distance, and keep pushing yourself. It will not make you weaker or lesser. Selfcompassion, however, will help you set boundaries to take care of yourself and protect your well-being.
One study refers to self-valuation, a form of self-compassion, using the selfvaluation test — a four-question scale to measure self-compassion in physicians with burnout and sleep impairment. Unsurprisingly, each one-point score higher in self-valuation is associated with a one-point decrease in burnout and lower sleep impairment scores. Having self-compassion pays off in the long run; however, as physicians, we as a group have lower self-valuation scores than workers in other fields. As we begin to understand the impact of the pandemic, we must start practicing ways to prioritize ourselves, starting with something small like being kind to ourselves. This is how we can sustainably continue to help others.
Another important aspect of selfcompassion is the ability to practice selfappreciation. Think of a time when you received a compliment about something you did. How did you respond? Often, we don’t know what to say or feel flustered by the acknowledgment. Accepting our positive traits is often more challenging than knowing our flaws. We must let go of the fear that we might disappoint someone whenever we receive a compliment. Self-compassion acknowledges our high expectations and appreciates the work we are doing to achieve them. Go ahead and practice admiring the positive qualities your friends and colleagues see in you.
As we begin a new year, gift yourself a daily habit of self-compassion. The first step is self-awareness. Start with this quiz. If you score low, like many of us do, know this is a practice and you can work to improve — even if you sneak a few leftover holiday cookies or pie slices too.
During this season of kindness, and of giving to and thinking of others, let’s remember to treat ourselves to the gift of self-compassion.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Dr. Deutsch is a clinical instructor and physician wellness fellow at Stanford Emergency Medicine.
Dr. Alvarez is director of wellbeing at Stanford Emergency Medicine and chair of the SAEM Wellness Committee. @alvarezzzy
