Dating

Creating chemistry

Valentina Tudose shares three ways to deepen your connection and intimacy with your partner

One of the most common misconceptions about chemistry is that it has to happen instantly. It’s a program put in our head by fairytales and movies.

Sometimes we meet someone and it’s like we’ve always known them. Such encounters happen and they may even lead to life-long love stories. The truth is relationships that rely on chemistry alone rarely go the distance .Long lasting relationships require partners to put a constant amount of energy into developing and sustaining intimacy and build on that initial connection that attracted them to each other.

Intimacy however, is co-created. It’s the result of two people feeling brave (or crazy) enough to open their heart to each other and run the risk of having it broken. Since no one really teaches us much about how to make this happen, building intimacy and opening up to our partner becomes one of the most difficult skills we need to learn.

Here are three simple practices you can implement right away, to feel more connected with your partner.

1. Self – disclosure

‘There is no intimacy without vulnerability’, according to Brene Brown, one of the world’s most famous researchers in the field of emotions. The paradox of love is that the person we choose as our life partner – who is meant to be the one we trust the most in the world – is also the person whose rejection would hit us hardest. Being completely vulnerable, sharing all our ‘mistakes’ and ‘failures’ is an act of bravery that leads to a much deeper connection. That’s because when we show those parts of ourselves, we create a level of trust that is not possible when we put up barriers and try to only show ourselves in the best light.

Sharing our fears and worries on a regular basis, while being careful not to blame them for our problems, is critical to maintaining the lines of communication open and avoid building walls of hurt and neglect.

2. Gratitude and appreciation

In most romantic relationships, right after the ‘lust’ phase in which we are crazy about each other, comes the ‘taking each other for granted’ phase. We all remember the heydays in the beginning when we can’t stop telling our partner how much we love them and how impossibly attractive they are. But, inevitably, there comes a day when all these amazing qualities and feelings become the new normal and we don’t feel the need to express them. It’s not that we forget how amazing they are. We love them still, but we told them so many times, it feels silly to keep repeating yourself.

The truth is biologically speaking, appreciation and gratitude are responsible for triggering the production of serotonin, the ‘happy’ hormone, in our brain. It is really that simple to make your partner happy – tell them and show them how amazing they are and how grateful you are for having them in your life. It doesn’t take more than a “thank you for being you” or a “you’re amazing” to make someone’s day, so don’t be shy and make it a daily practice to tell each other at the end of each day three things you appreciate about each other.

3. The magic of touch

Physical touch is the most intimate bonding experience we can have with another human. Which is why I like to think of sex as the ‘relationship glue’. Desire in long term relationships changes from from being spontaneous to being responsive, i.e. partners reacting to each other’s’ signs of affection. It is therefore critical that you engage in daily rituals of physical connection every day. From morning cuddles to showering together to a hug and kiss when you leave and when you see your partner again or a good night kiss, there are many ways to create anticipation and maintain ‘the spark’. Sex drive is mostly a case of ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it’, so work with your partner towards regular physical contact and your emotional intimacy will benefit greatly (plus you will get a great deal of pleasure).

Valentina Tudose is a relationship coach and founder of Happy Ever After. For more information visit happyeverafter.asia