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Yes, I am a qualified pilot

Nury Vittachi on the little white lies everybody tells

BOYS AND GIRLS, remember to always tell the truth, unless it is a little white lie, such as “yes, of course I know how to fly a plane.” Why is it okay to pretend you are a pilot? Because this is a relatively easy skill, unlike say, replacing a toilet roll, remembering to avoid saying stupid things, putting on a pair of skinny jeans without falling over, etc.

Now before pilots burn down my office, the advice above comes from one of your colleagues. A pilot wrote a comment on a news report about a pair of Air India pilots who parked flight attendants in the aircraft cockpit and went off for a 40-minute nap.

One of the young women accidentally switched off the auto-pilot, so had to go to wake up a pilot for help. I wonder what she said to him? “Erm, I pressed a few buttons, so now we are in a nosedive towards a primary school. Did I do something bad?”

The note from the reader, who signed himself Pontius Pilot, said that while learning to fly an aircraft is extremely difficult, operating a modern passenger jet in cruise mode is not. You can actually leave the cockpit perfectly safely in the charge of small-brained individuals like children, pets or politicians. “They fly themselves. Most impressive is a button called Auto-Land that always gives you a perfect landing,” he said. “The truth is, pilots of 747s often let AutoLand handle the landing even when they are in the cockpit.”

Seriously? I once crashed a 747. I was having a go on a multi-million dollar Cathay Pacific 747 training simulator when I landed sideways on a shopping mall. “I meant to do that,” I lied, but the instructor didn’t believe me. The evil, conniving @#$% never told me that some pilots just pressed Auto-Land and went back to reading the newspaper.

Now, for the sake of balance, I should point out that a second pilot I discussed this with said that he had never used Auto-Land although he did admit that it existed on all planes these days.

Pontius’ revelation got me thinking of an associate who once turned up at an airport in Africa for an urgent flight that was crucial to his business. Ground staff apologetically said the pilot had not turned up for work that morning. “Can you fly a plane?” they asked.

“No, of course not,” my friend replied, his eyebrows hitting the ceiling.

But now I realize he should have said “sure,” and then got into the cockpit and Googled “how do you switch on the automatic everything in a plane?” There’s surely an app for that.

However, let’s be sensible. You should never, never pretend to be a trained pilot unless the journey is a matter of life and death, such as when you need to get home in time for your wife’s birthday, football is on TV, or you really need a holiday, etc.

Now if you are one of those people who claim to never to tell lies, I have news for you. Everybody lies. I reckon there is a new number one Most Common Lie in the world. I have watched a zillion people download things from the internet, even my deeply religious wife. NOT ONE OF THEM has ever read the terms and conditions. Not one of them has paused for a nanosecond before clicking the box that says “I have read the Terms and Conditions.” We’re all guilty. I bet even the Pope clicks straight through.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m in need of a holiday. Yes, I’m heading for the airport. Come with me if you like. If the pilot’s not there, I’ll see what I can do.

Nury Vittachi is an award-winning author and journalist based in Hong Kong. He is best known for his novel series, The Feng Shui Detective and is now editor of Friday Magazine. Contact him via nury@vittachi.com or through his public Facebook page.