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Lift your spirits

Nury Vittachi on lift etiquette for beginners

Weep for me. At one of the offices I use regularly, I share a lift lobby with a group of primitive, uncivilized Neanderthals. (No offence intended to any Neanderthals who may be reading this.)

Here’s how they behave when they approach elevators:

1. On arrival at the lift lobby, they press the up button to tell the elevator where they want to go AND the down button to tell the lift to come down and get them. 2. Every few seconds they repeat the process because they believe doing so will make the lift come faster. 3. Every extra member of their group who arrives in the foyer does the same because the lazy good-for-nothing lift will realize that a crowd is building up and get a move on.

When the lift arrives, new guidelines come into play:

1. Group A (the people waiting) must force their way in before Group B (the people inside) get out. Otherwise you can’t tell who are the winners and who are the losers, and there HAVE TO BE winners and losers, right? 2. The first person inside must use his body to cover the panel so no one else can press the buttons. 3. Lifts give people a two-minute pause from the rat race, so are a good location to ease one’s flatulence, enjoy a good belch and phone a bet into the Jockey Club.

It’s not just my building, of course. The rules above are scrupulously followed in many buildings throughout Hong Kong. But your humble narrator and a friend have recently been attempting to start a little revolution by adopting a more creative mode of behavior.

Here’s how to play:

1. As each person enters the lift say, “Hi! Glad you could make it!” and shake his or her hand vigorously. 2. Hold the door open at ground level longer than necessary and respond to glares by telling people: “the lift is refueling.” 3.Then speak into the panel microphone. “This is Alpha Bravo elevator one to control. Ready for departure. Over.” 4. When it starts to move upwards, say: “Please turn off your electronic devices as they may interfere with the elevator navigation system.” 5. When someone presses a floor number, give them a strange look and say, “So. YOU’RE the one.” 6. If people are looking grim, suggest a group hug. (Everyone will refuse.) 7. If someone tries to get in wearing a t-shirt, shorts or flip-flops, stop him, saying: “I’m sorry, the dress code is jacket and tie.” (This creates a more dramatic impression if you are wearing only your Speedos.) 8. Whenever a guy in a suit gets on board, sing the James Bond theme. 9. When any male and female enter, sing the wedding march. This works particularly well if they don’t know each other. 10. As the lift comes to a halt, say: “Doors to manual” to the wall panel and “Goodbye. Thank you for flying Cathay Pacific” to the passengers.

My friend, who does not want his name in print, sometimes uses his Asianness to great comic effect in lifts in Europe. When entering, he asks: “Is this the men’s lift?” Sometimes he takes off his shoes upon entering and asks other passengers: “May I share your elevator?”

Last time I was riding a lift-car with him in Hong Kong, he decided to give a lecture to passengers on elevator etiquette: “When travelling in an elevator, the proper stance is to stand erect, with arms straight down touching the legs: your own legs,” he said. “And always keeps your destination safe from prying eyes by covering one hand with the other hand when pressing your floor number.”

A passenger pointed out that people will see what floor you get out on anyway. He shook his head. “Always vary your journeys, getting out at a different floor every day.”

Do the above and you’ll enjoy the same personal attention from the building management that my friend and I get. You can take that as a warning.

Nury Vittachi is an award-winning author and journalist based in Hong Kong. He is best known for his comedy-crime novel series, The Feng Shui Detective. Contact him via nury@vittachi.com or through his public Facebook page.