Salient 23, 2013 - The Opinion Issue

SA LIENT 1938

SA LIENT

monday 7th october 2013 VOL 76 ISSUE 23 1938

Designer: Laura Burns designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Chris McIntyre news@salient.org.nz News Interns: Sophie Boot

E I L N A T S 1938

An Organ of Student Opinion Since 1938

Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney arts@salient.org.nz Film Editor: Chloe Davies Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Simon Gennard Music Editor: Elise Munden Theatre Editor: Gabrielle Beran Games Editor: Patrick Lindsay Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Chief Sub-editor & Uploader: Nick Fargher Distribution Specialist: Jonathan Hobman

contributors: Hilary Beattie, Seymour Butts, Rose Cann, Caitlin Craigie, Matthew Ellison, Harry Evans, Catherine Gaffaney, Freddie Hayek, Hector and Janet, Dylan Jauslin, Russ Kale, Eve Kennedy, Cody Knox, Rory McCourt, Monique McKenzie, Duncan McLachlan, Carla Marks, Gus Mitchell, Ollie Neas, Cam Price, Sofia Roberts, Sarah Robson, Carlo Salizzo, Rāwinia Thompson, Steph Trengrove, Nick Truebridge Contributors of the Week: Harry Evans

"Remember, it’s not you, it’s them, everyone ends up alone (it’s fine), everyone else is just as confused as you are,

advertising: Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz

contact: Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine

and most importantly, everything always looks better on the Internet."

about us: Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by APN Print of Hastings. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, APN Print, censors, objectivity, Snapchat and the Ganglican Church but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.

Happiness: Just Another Feeling - Page 19

This issue is dedicated to:

#REALTALK

www.salient.org.nz

@salientmagazine

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

Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy editor@salient.org.nz

? his ve om f t ha nd F o a o z t t f F PD .n an o e g w ay th r 't pl ad t.o n on is e D ic D d r lie bl an sa Pu d t a loa e a n su ow is D

RANTERS AND RAVERS:

the opinion issue 18. Don't be a Dick 19. Happiness: Just Another Feeling 20. It's All Downhill From Here 21. Kim Kardashian is Better Than You 22. Started from the Middle 23. Strawberry Toppa: S'now Good 24. Why I Couldn't do an Opinion 25. Girls Don't Like Boys, Girls like cars and money Aren't Allowed to Like Anything 26. We'll Never be Royals 27. Interactions, Inter Alia 28. ~~U R SUCH A GAY~~ 29. It's Hip to Hop: an Impassioned Defense of 30. 50 Things I Need Your Help Forming an Opinion on 31. A Foodie by any Other Name 32. At World's End and World's Beginning 34. Dogs Days are Over 35. An Identity Crisis 36. Why Doesn't New Zealand have a Superhero?

37. Paradise Lost

VUWSA 

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

your students' association

THE McCOURT REPORT VUWSA President Rory McCourt 12 Ways We Made a Difference 1. We’re reaching the end of the 2013 academic year. Reflecting on the year gone, it’s important to take stock and appreciate how much your student representatives have achieved at VUWSA this year: 2. We increased events. I promised last year that we’d have bigger and better events to make Vic a fun and vibrant campus. We’ve delivered on that with social events like the VUWSA House Party, through to new events like the Faculty Games, which had over 200 participants last week. Congrats to Science, who took out the top prize for this year.

Thanks to Mica for making it happen.

3. We’ve run the best public-transport campaign Wellington’s ever seen.

Fairer Fares was a big deal. With over 2000 postcards collected, 500 emails to Councillors, over 30 individual media stories and an event with over 200 students: this campaign has blown everything prior out of the water. The best bit? Students have supported it hard from day one.

In the next two months, I’ll be working alongside others on the Exec to deliver you something for 2014.

4. We framed the Council and mayoral election: Notice how all the candidates are talking about student issues: cold flats, expensive transport and a lack of graduate jobs? Through working alongside candidates, we’ll deliver a rental warrant-of-fitness bill by March (don’t forget to get your vote in for Council. Tick the Fairer Fares candidates for Regional Council on our Facebook).

5. We increased student engagement with local-body politics. Although John Morrison might have stopped our ballot boxes, we nonetheless had over 200 students special-voting on 25 September, there were scores of tweets to #vicvotes (in fact, it was trending in New Zealand), and we had over 250 students at the largest VUWSA event in recent history with the Mayoral Debate.

6. We lifted revenue, cut costs, and are closing the deficit. We’ve been firmer under my leadership in negotiating with Vic in areas where VUWSA is making huge losses like lost property and welfare. We rationalised our communications spend, found better revenue streams for some welfare projects, and looked to make our contracted areas more efficient. We also introduced a membership card, which is a potential revenue stream. Remember: our income’s gone from $2.25 million in 2011 to less than $700,000. But that’s no excuse to run a deficit. By 31 December, the new Budget for 2014 will be set (a first in many years to have the budget set ahead of the year!), and we’ll eliminate the deficit. I’ll be proud to be the guy who got VUWSA out of the red!

4

We saved student voice. The Student Forum not only undermined VUWSA, it undermined all student voices. It was built on the idea that a random group of students could supplant representative, accountable and authentic student voice. We took some big hits to pull out of the Forum. I’ve been admonished, ridiculed and sidelined by some managers in this process. Others, particular academics, have praised our courage and determination to restore what is right and what works. It’s been hard, but knowing VUWSA will return to the heart of student voice, that those students, all of them, who will follow me will have a real say in this place we all love—that makes it worth it.

Thanks to Sonya for being brave with me.

7. We supported the redevelopment of rep groups. From helping Lucy and her team in CanDo re-establish this year, or sewing the seeds for a new International Students’ Rep Group, or our efforts to tautoko Arthur Bird and the Mature Students’ Network: we’ve put in the time so a diversity of student voices are loud and clear. I’m particularly proud of our work with the new Education Society and NZEI to host an event that gave future teachers a taste of the issues in the sector. Thanks to Gemma, Ramon and Matt in particular for work in this area.

8. We backed up our partners. We’ve worked to ensure more funding, support and recognition for Ngāi Tauira, the Pasifika Students’ Council and their affiliated groups. From fighting for a third place on University Council for a Tauira rep, to challenging the University’s equity commitment beyond funding targets: we made a difference.

9. We made the University safer. Through working with the Council and the University, new lighting has been placed in the Mount Street Cemetery, by Boyd Wilson Field and Salamanca Road. It’s taken nagging emails, going through the archives, and making the most of our positive relationship with local councillor Stephanie Cook. If there’s one less physical or sexual assault, one less student worried about getting attacked: we’ve made a difference.

10. We saved you money. Our work this year kept the Student Services Levy rise at two per cent. In the past, it has been between four and over30 per cent. This is a real achievement, but we didn’t stop there. We found low-value spending where the University could make savings: like where they duplicate Student Job Search with CareerHub, or TradeMe Flats with Accommodation Services. We also made sure there was more money for Counselling Services to get waiting times down. Now that’s a big difference!

11. We’ve represented your academic interests with professionalism and passion. From dodgy marking to University-wide grade changes: we’ve been strong on arguing for pro-student policy and processes across Vic. We’ve worked to gain the respect of the staff on those committees. Most importantly—we said what you told us to, every time.

12. We stood up when it counted: Living Wage, Fairer Fares, Warmer Flats, Student Forum, University Council student representation, student allowances, Counselling wait times, fee rises, grading-changes implementation, deficit, Orientation. We’ve been honest about the challenges, and true to our values. This year’s Exec was the brave one.

We made a difference.

>>> salient.org.nz

 VUWSA

NGAI TAUIRA Kia mai tātou,

Education Officer

By Rāwinia Thompson

Coming to the end of my first year at Vic and reflecting on everything that’s happened this year, it’s hard not to get the feels.

Made it through the quakes, #storm13, LAWS121, and the court of public opinion that was the VUWSA by-election. Having been on team VUWSA for all of five minutes, I’m already feeling at home behind the BBQ and in the basement of the Student Union Building—I mean, the VUWSA office.

I think there’s a lot VUWSA can be proud of this year, like:  Launching two high-profile campaigns—Fairer Fares and Healthy Homes—and laying the foundations for tertiary fares on public transport and rental WOFs to be realised some time in the near future (here’s hoping!). Also, getting student issues such as these on the local council election agenda.  Making local-body politics and the local council elections relevant to students.  Engaging with students by hosting events like the inaugural Faculty Games, and utilising the Hub for VUWSA’s AGM, campaign launches and the mayoral debate.  Working towards meeting the challenges of operating in a postVSM environment.  Advocating for the best interests of students, particularly around the Student Forum.  Consulting students on grading changes and student representation.

In saying that, VUWSA will face many challenges going into 2014, some of which include: How to operate in a post-VSM environment, and keep the University in check while also maintaining a good relationship with the University.

Getting student issues like interest-free student loans, less-restrictive means testing on student allowances, and funding of the tertiary sector as a whole on the general election agenda.

Making the aforementioned issues relevant for students—students feel discontented by having to pay a lot of money to get the bus, or having to deal with the conditions of living in a cold, damp flat, but it’s much more difficult to engage students in regard to deteriorating academic quality and rising fees. The underwhelming turnout at the University Council’s fee-setting meeting was evidence of this, the public gallery occupied by only four members of the VUWSA Exec. Bleak.

2014 will be a tough year, but I’m looking forward to working with the 2014 Exec and making a real difference for students. Tu meke!

Rāwinia was elected to the position of Vice-President (Academic) for 2014 in the VUWSA Election last Thursday. Congratulations to Rāwinia and all of the other newly elected Executive.

Nei rā te tuku kōrero pūhaehae nei ki a nunui mā, ki a roroa mā e tae atu ana ki Ākarana ki te kite, ki te whakarongo ki te manu tīoriori o te ao, arā ko Beyonce. Kāre e kore ka taka mai a pouri, a harewene, a puhaehae ki te marea e kore e tae atu ki tana konohete. Anō te ātaahua o tōna reo waiti.

Kāre he kaiwaiata i tua atu i a Beyonce. Ko ia te tino kaiwaiata o tēnei reanga.

Kua tata oti i a tātou tā tātou nā wā ki te whare wānanga ināianei, na e tika ana kia whakarite i a tātou anō mō ngā hararei, kia pai rawa atu te wā whakatā mō tātou. E hia kē mai nei ngā momo mahi mai hei whakapai ake i tā tātu nā hararei. Ko RnV teti whakaaro pai, ko LaDeDa tētahi, ko te konohete o John Legend tētahi anō hoki. Nō reira e hoa mā, me tae atu ki ēnei momo hui, kāre e kore ka rākautia te pai. Ki a koutou mā e ako tonu ana i te raumati, aroha atu, heoi ki a ū ki te kaupapa, ahakoa te aha.

Ngā mihi, Ngāi Tauira.

PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL

Ni sa Bula Vina'a, Bula Si'a, Malo, Cola Vina, Bula Re, Namaste, Aslamalay-khum, Koe na mauri and Noa’ia ‘e māuri ~ All ways to welcome one, in Fijian. The Victoria University Fiji Students’ Association (KAIFIJI) and Pasifika Students’ Council wishes everyone a Happy Fijian Language Week, 7–11 October, and a Happy Fiji Day, 10 October 2013!!! Celebrating on the theme: Noqu Vosa Noqu i Yau Talei - My language, my treasure. Come along to the special ceremony and presentation: Venue: Maori and Pasifika Collection, Te Taratara a Kae, Level 2, Kelburn Library. Date: Tuesday 8 October, 2013.

Time: 4–7 pm. Also come along to the KAIFIJI Fiji Day Celebration, celebrating 43 years of independence: Venue: AM101, Alan MacDiarmid Building. Date: Thursday 10 October, 2013. Time: 6 pm.

Some quick Fijian for the week: Bula (Boo-lah) – Welcome/Life Moce (Moh-they) – Goodbye/Sleep Vinaka (Vi-nah-kah) – Thank you Pronunciations: B – mb (Ba – mba), C – th (Cau – thau), G – ng (Gone – ng-oo-neh) Q – g (qo – go) D – nd (Nadi – Nandi) E.g. A surname like GUCAKE is pronounced as ng-oo-the-kay.

Vina'a valevu, Dhanyavad, and have a blessed week.

salient.org.nz <<<

5

NEWS





NEWs 

Only one more issue before Salient shuts down for the year. Email news@salient.org.nz to tell us you'll miss us over summer.

BORDER ARREST CONCERNS IGNORED Arrests a relaxation on consultation Chris McIntyre

Concerns from key groups were ignored as the Government introduced their border-arrest scheme for student loan defaulters earlier this year, the details of which are still unknown.

Documents obtained by Salient under the Official Information Act show that there was limited consultation with stakeholders before the policy was announced, that Police concerns were not addressed, and that the Inland Revenue Department (IRD) did not believe such a measure was necessary. In addition, a submission from the Legislation Advisory Committee for greater transparency was ignored in favour of secrecy over exactly who would be subject to arrest under the policy.

Border arrests were announced as part of the 2013 Budget, in an effort to improve repayments from overseas-based borrowers, and “[increase] personal responsibility for debt repayment”.

Under the policy, borrowers in “serious default” who returned to New Zealand would not be able to leave the country unless they organised repayments. Failure to do so would result in an arrest warrant being released. The scheme would affect “a small number” of borrowers, though it’s unclear exactly how many this is as the IRD have not made public the criteria for ‘serious default’.

There are 101,095 overseas-based borrowers, who form the majority of all borrowers with overdue repayments.

The Regulatory Impact Statement (RIS), dated 22 March—three months in advance of the announcement—states the border-arrest policy “will have a significant impact on those affected”, could be challenged under the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act 1990 for impeding freedom of 6

movement, and “may discourage overseas-based borrowers from returning to New Zealand”. The IRD also adds that “if passport restrictions were to be introduced ... this measure might be sufficient”, and border arrests would not be necessary. Despite these concerns with the policy, consultation with stakeholders has not taken place.

“Limited time was available for consultation.

We did not consult with sector groups due to the budget-sensitive nature of the proposals,” the RIS reads.

The Police raised a number of concerns, citing negative “operational and reputational impacts” on Police, suggesting border arrests would make Police look like IRD debt-collection agents, and adding that border arrests would be too difficult given the nature of airports. Police would have to find the defaulter in busy departure lounges, often with no photo ID supplied, a task which raised further concerns relating to delaying planes and creating undue extra costs on airlines.

“Police note that no cost benefit analysis, including the impact on their parties such as airports, has been concluded,” the statement read, adding that the Police already have 37,000 outstanding arrest warrants and so student-loan arrest warrants would not merit a high priority.

The IRD have refused to release the exact threshold for ‘serious default’, meaning it will remain unknown exactly who will be able to be arrested under the policy. A Policy Report from 26 July states the IRD fears borrowers would repay to just below the threshold for arrest, or that people who know they are not going to be arrested will not contact the IRD to arrange repayments.

“To publicise specific criteria would undermine the effectiveness of the border sanctions policy by [...] enabling borrowers to circumvent the criteria [and] weakening the deterrent effect of the policy,” states the report, released two months after the border-arrest policy was announced.

This secrecy comes despite concerns from the Legislation Advisory Committee (LAC), who requested “more detailed criteria ... to provide more certain limits as to who may be caught by the definition” in their submission on the Student Loan Scheme Amendment Bill (No 2). The LAC holds that the current ambiguity does not provide sufficient guidance to Government departments about when it would be okay to share personal information about borrowers. Their submission for further information to be released was declined by the Policy Advice Division of the IRD and the Treasury.

Under the legislation, a borrower failing to respond to contact from the IRD, providing incorrect details to the IRD, or continuing to default after contact has been made by the IRD, can be grounds for intent to be established, and will be grounds for arrest. To get an arrest warrant, intent to not repay debt must be proven. Documents relating to the border-arrest scheme suggest that the definition of ‘intent’ has been broadened from other similar legislation, like the Child Support Act, to make arrest warrants easier to obtain.

The exact cost of the border-arrest policy is unclear; it is estimated to cost $600,000 to implement but this does not include extra costs on Courts and Police, who manage the arrest warrants. The expected value of the border-arrests policy was listed as “unavailable” in a document circulated just months before the Budget. >>> salient.org.nz

UNIVERSITY FREED FROM STUDENT SHACKLES COUNCIL REPRESENTATIVES ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK Chris McIntyre

Universities will be able to cut students out of decision-making at the highest levels if the Government gets its way.

The Tertiary Education Strategy draft outlines the Government’s strategic direction for tertiary education over the next five years. It was released at Victoria last Wednesday by Minister for Tertiary Education, Skills and Employment Steven Joyce.

If successful, the proposal would remove compulsory student representation from Councils and reduce the number of members. Councils are universities’ highest governing bodies, and, among other things, are responsible for setting fees. Under the draft strategy, Victoria’s University Council would go from 20 members down to 12, and Victoria University would have the option to remove the two student representative positions and the four staff representatives. Councils would still be able to choose their chair and deputy chairpersons.

There would be no corresponding decrease in the number of Council members appointed by the Government. While the four ministerial positions currently mean only a fifth of the Council is appointed by the Minister, the changes would mean one-third of Council was Governmentappointed.

(NZUSA) Executive Director Alistair Shaw described the proposed changes as “outrageous”, saying universities should engage with students, not follow a business model.

"Every decnt university in the world has staff and students sitting around the table deciding what the focus of that university should be," said Shaw.

VUWSA President Rory McCourt called the changes “misguided and undemocratic”, saying it was not too much to ask that Victoria’s 23,000 students had a seat on Council. McCourt said student representation makes for a better Council, and was disappointed Joyce had not met with the Tertiary Education Union or NZUSA for the last two years.

“This Minister and this Government have increasingly ignored students and staff, and now they want University Councils to do the same.

“Students on these Councils provide an important reality check, giving real feedback from the coalface. It’s important that any governing body gets a range of views to make the right decisions,” said McCourt.

Tertiary Education Union secretary Sharn Riggs

said the changes would jeopardise the social role of universities at the expense of a business focus.

"Basically, it's setting up a model of ensuring that all of our tertiary education institutions now are simply businesses, that they have no other connection other than being run as a business and delivering as a business," said Riggs.

Labour’s Associate Tertiary Education spokesperson Megan Woods said “stripping away democratic governance” was “not the answer”, adding that the proposed changes went against best practice. Woods accused Joyce of reducing the size of University Councils so that his appointees would have more power. Labour leader David Cunliffe said the changes would mean students and staff lost direct access to decision-making.

"Frankly, I just don't accept the logic which I understand Mr Joyce has used ... it simply doesn't follow," said Cunliffe.

Consultation on the proposal is open until 5 pm, Friday 15 November. Information on how to submit can be found on the Ministry of Education website.

Joyce stated the proposed changes would make councils more flexible, more adaptable and “nimbler”, and allow New Zealand universities to get an edge on overseas universities.

“Our universities also need to move more quickly to respond to areas of high occupational demand, attract more international students, and strategically invest to enhance their particular areas of expertise and competitive advantage,” said Joyce.

Criticism has come from a number of quarters, with students’ associations, the Tertiary Education Union, and opposition parties all staunchly opposed to students’ possible removal from Councils. Worries circle on the future of representation and universities becoming, in essence, companies.

New Zealand Union of Students' Associations salient.org.nz <<<

It's all smiles as NZUSA President Pete Hodkinson, Minister of Tertiary Education, Skills and Employment Steven Joyce, and VUWSA President Rory McCourt pose for a family portrait.

7

NEWS



VUWSA SUFFERS ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION HARDLY ANY STUDENTS COME (TO THE BALLOT BOXES) Sophie Boot

VUWSA elections have played out much as expected, with favourite Sonya Clark scooping a clear victory in the presidential race, and VUWSA unable to repeat the high voter turnout of last year.

refused it access to students’ email addresses to contact students about their right to vote.

The provisional announcement of election results was made in The Hunter Lounge on Thursday evening. Current Academic Vice-President and now President-elect Clark gained 79 per cent of votes cast for the role, beating Thomas Maharaj by a decisive 1701 votes to 450.

Maharaj’s campaign was dogged by controversy, after several students claimed he had told them he would be able to reduce bus fares for students as his father owns Snapper. As Salient reported last week, Maharaj’s father, Noel, owns 25 per cent of the company contracted by Snapper for services and maintenance, but has no influence on fares.

This year’s VUWSA elections saw a near-30-percent decline in voter turnout compared to 2012, with around 13 per cent of VUWSA members voting. This represents roughly ten per cent of all students, as only three-quarters of students are VUWSA members.

Despite VUWSA recently opening its elections up to all students at the AGM last month, the University

VUWSA members voted for VUWSA to remain a member of the troubled New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA), with 63 per cent of voters opting for VUWSA to continue as a member of NZUSA, with reforms. The remaining 37 per cent voted for VUWSA to withdraw from the national student body.

Student Nick Cross requested the referendum in the weeks before elections.

It is not yet clear what the supposed reforms will entail. Current President Rory McCourt, alongside the presidents of OUSA and AUSA, issued a press release in August saying the three would propose reforms to NZUSA at the national Congress to be held on 8 November this year.

There was deafening silence after the referendum result was announced, until McCourt began to applaud. McCourt will be a key contender for the NZUSA presidency next year.

Critics of NZUSA ran a campaign citing the $45,000 spends on NZUSA membership every year, the recent withdrawal of the Waikato Student Union (WSU), and the $200,000 deficits VUWSA runs as key reasons to reject NZUSA membership. Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) members also voted to

retain membership, with 86 per cent voting for a vague reform promise and 14 per cent against continuing membership. OUSA’s turnout was over twice VUWSA’s, at 4936.

Funding for the VBC will continue, with 61 per cent of votes in favour out of the 2105 cast on the question. The VBC is allocated $30,000 per year out of the VUWSA student-media budget, which comes from a contract with the University.

Tyrone Barugh successfully moved a motion at the VUWSA AGM in September that there be a referendum on the discontinuation of VBC funding.

The announcement of the results was noticeably more sedate than last year, with a relatively subdued crowd at The Hunter Lounge to watch the announcement. In 2012, a supporter of unsuccessful presidential candidate Jackson Freeman punched out a window, and newly elected Vice-President (Welfare) Simon Tapp capped off the night by getting arrested at the now-closed Big Kumara.

David Rektorys, who has described himself as a “bit of a douche”, was unsuccessful in both of the roles he campaigned for, gaining the least votes of all three candidates for both Clubs and Activities Officer and Campaigns Officer.

referendum results nzusa

vbc DOn'T FUND

leave

37%

39% 63% stay, with reforms

8

61% FUND >>> salient.org.nz

13 SA 20 W U V CTION ELE

2014 vuwsa executive Vice-President (Academic): President: Sonya Clark 1701

Rawinia Thompson 1896

Vice-President (Welfare):

no confidence 203

Rick Zwaan 1845 no confidence 237

Thomas Maharaj 450

Treasurer-Secretary: Vice-President (Engagement):

Declan Doherty-Ramsay 1806

Jordan Lipski 1819

Education Officer:

no confidence 252

Caroline Thirsk 1411 Ravitesh Ratnam 613

no confidence 272

Clubs and Activities Officer: Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer:

Stephanie Gregor 1489 Casey Diver 446

Elizabeth Bing 862

Equity Officer:

Toby Cooper 641

Madeleine Ashton-Martyn 791

David Rektorys 538

Nathan Lewis 665 (Joshua) Tan Chong Hui 356

Jordan Milburn 105

Quan Nguyen 227

Student RepresentativeS on the Publications Committee (2 Places):

Campaigns Officer:

Molly McCarthy 1271

Alasdair Keating 919

David Alsop 769

Nathaniel Manning 805

Carlo Salizzo 616

David Rektorys 288

Lucas Davies 263

salient.org.nz <<<

9

NEWS

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MORE GRADUATES THAN EVER Lucky there are so many jobs!

Nick Truebridge

You’d be forgiven for thinking degrees do grow on trees, with a recent report showing more people are graduating than ever before.

The Ministry of Education’s 2012 Profile & Trends report, made available on 1 October, shows that 162,000 tertiary qualifications were attained in New Zealand last year. Overall, the number of people qualifying with degrees or bachelors was up by four per cent from 2011 to 2012.

The report also shows that of these qualifications, 43,700 were secured by domestic students.

25,400 of these individuals completed a bachelor’s programme in 2012—an increase of 23 per cent since 2010.

Minister for Tertiary Education, Skills and Employment Steven Joyce suggested that last year’s “unprecedented” increase in graduations

was due to the Government’s emphasis on performance.

criticised as not offering enough to graduates and the unemployed.

“Right through the 2000s, the number of degree graduates flatlined, despite big increases in tertiary funding,” said Joyce.

“Unemployment is still stuck where it was during the Global Financial Crisis … [it’s] no laughing matter,” said Labour’s Employment spokesperson Grant Robertson.

“This Government’s focus on performance and not just bums on seats has led to much better results for students and taxpayers.”

The Minister also suggested that those with tertiary qualifications would benefit financially, stating that those with higher education earn “considerably more” and would be less susceptible to unemployment.

Despite the Government’s hopes to upskill the labour market and ensure more lucrative jobs are secured, the labour market’s state has been

“On top of that, those Kiwis lucky enough to have jobs are faced with the lowest-average annual wage growth in 13 years.”

An ongoing survey by Statistics New Zealand has shown that the number of full-time equivalent employees in New Zealand had dropped 0.4 per cent from the end of 2012 to the end of March.

Unemployment remains at 6.4 per cent for 2013.

You can follow Martin Doyle's cartoons on Twitter: @Mart_cartoons 10

>>> salient.org.nz

 NEWS

CALLS TO SCRAP THE THING VIC'S BEST AT Steph Trengrove

Critics of a major University research-based funding mechanism have called for it to be scrapped, just months after Victoria came top in the nation for research quality.

Tertiary Education Union (TEU) Vice-President Sandra Grey has called for an end to the Performance Based Research Fund (PBRF). A draft submission being put forward to the Ministry of Education claims that the PBRF is no longer an “efficient or effective” funding model.

“The [PBRF’s] effects on staff, students, and communities; the distortions in the teaching and research environments of tertiary institutions; and, the costs of administering the model outweigh any benefits attributed to the system,” said Grey.

The PBRF was introduced by the last Labour Government as a new approach to tertiaryeducation funding. Rather than the traditional focus on student enrolments, the fund incentivises universities to focus on research. Based on certain indicators, universities are ranked and given a corresponding level of Government funding.

Quality evaluations are undertaken every six years, and research-degrees completions and externalresearch income averages taken every three years.

15 per cent of Government funding to universities is made up of PBRF funding, a value of approximately $250 million per year, said to rise to $300 million per year in 2016. Universities compete for their shares of this funding pool. $58 million was spent on the most recent PBRF evaluation; a sum that Grey believes would be much better spent funding actual research projects, rather than measuring them.

“Unfortunately, the flaws in the PBRF system are too much to tinker with or fix. The whole system needs to be scrapped and start again with a fresh new approach. A new approach that invests in all academics and all research rather than rewarding bureaucracy and form-filling,” said Grey.

Victoria University told Salient they did “not object” to continuing the PBRF in its current form, and would be making a submission to that effect to the Ministry. However, all academic staff need to supply details of their research output as part of the PBRF auditing process, and this can be time-consuming. Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Research) Neil Quigley described auditing as a “major exercise” for staff.

“The University would like to see fewer items required for Evidence Portfolios. This would be a good way of reducing the amount of time spent on preparing and reviewing Evidence Portfolios,” said Quigley.

VUWSA President Rory McCourt says VUWSA will be talking to students about what changes they’d like to see, because there were “clear issues” with the system, although it was not necessarily bad.

“We need a system that balances research with teaching, learning and the student experience.

Research-mad universities in New Zealand have ... forgotten the value of good teachers and great learning environments.

“Many in the sector are worried it's become a numbers game, where shifting staff around and reclassifying has taken too much time and energy.

It's important we put teaching and learning back at the heart of universities,” said McCourt.

Universities have been known to ‘work the system’, responding to incentives within the rules using staffing contracts, something VUW was accused of when it came out top in the most recent evaluation.

STUDENT LEAVES BLUE ZONE FOR FRIEND ZONE Catherine Gaffaney

A Victoria student is about to get his geek on for our viewing pleasure.

need more refinement in some areas, particularly social skills; they are my weak point," said Klavs.

Zac Klavs, a first-year Law, Political Science, International Relations, and Art History student, has been chosen as one of eight ‘geeks’ to star in the next series of Beauty and the Geek Australia, ‘Goes Tropical’ edition.

Klavs has never seen the show, and only auditioned after being dared to by his sister, who told him she would get him a great Christmas gift if he entered. While he is looking forward to improving his social skills, the prize money is also a huge incentive for him.

Klavs apparently fits the ‘geek’ bill, as he has never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl, or been on a date.

"If I see a couple, sometimes I think, ‘I wish I could experience that’. Even if it fails miserably, at least I’d be able to say: ‘I did that’.

"It's not that I haven't tried but I just keep getting ‘friend-zoned' ... I'm happy with who I am, I just

salient.org.nz <<<

The series, which describes itself as the “ultimate social experiment", will be held in Fiji. It involves challenges with 'beauty' and 'geek' pairings competing against each other to avoid elimination. The winning pair will win AUD$100,000. The series begins airing in Australia on 10 October.

11

NEWS



Faculty Games “Mean, Eh” Science wins ‘bragging’ ‘rights’ Sofia Roberts

this week's

ions

iPredict is a prediction market run by Victoria University that has hundreds of stocks on economic, political and social outcomes. The following predictions are supplied by

Victoria University faculties battled against each other last week in VUWSA’s inaugural Faculty Games, with Science coming out on top.

Over 200 students signed up to be a part of the Games, in 21 different teams. Different faculties faced off on Boyd-Wilson Field and in the Rec Centre, competing against each other at basketball, touch, netball and seven-a-side soccer. As well as sports, the Games also featured egg and spoon races, music and food courtesy of VUWSA. Science, who won basketball but no other sports, won the overall prize from their performances across all sports. Science won basketball, however were beaten in the other categories.An Architecture and Design team won in seven-aside soccer, a Humanities team took out netball, and touch was won by Commerce. Competitors could enter as individuals or as a team.

The Faculty Games were the first such event to be organised by VUWSA, and were met with significant turnout and high involvement from students. Organiser of the Faculty Games, VUWSA Vice-President Mica Moore, said she was “really pleased” with the event.

“Everyone got stuck in even though the teams

were made up of students who'd never met each other before.

iPredict and may have changed since Salient went to print.

To try your luck go to ipredict.co.nz.

“The players gave the event a great atmosphere, and we were stoked to bring students together from completely different areas of academia, across all four campuses,” said Moore.

Moore hoped the event would have a future, but that becoming an increasingly anticipated annual event would require adequate resourcing and capacity, which would have to be allowed for by future funding for VUWSA from the University.

“I had heaps of ideas about the Faculty Games that we didn't get the opportunity to use this time around … I'd love for spectators to get involved much more, [for] a big opening ceremony, food vendors and more sponsorship, along with smaller games and competitions which contribute to the Faculties' scores,” said Moore, adding she hopes for more female participation and disability-friendly sports in future.

US Govt to hit debt ceiling by 1 Jan 2014

20%

Labour to win the next election

57%

Salient spoke to students who took part in the event, with feedback unanimously positive.

“It’s mean, eh, being able to get out at Uni and have a run around,” said one student, adding they would “definitely” be back again next year if the event was run.

Italy to hold another election in 2013

6% NASA to announce the discovery of Extraterrestrial Life in 2013

5%

Mark Lundy conviction to be quashed by Privy Council

31%

12

>>> salient.org.nz

 NEWS

A President precedent Startup conference not shutdown Catherine Gaffaney

It’s far from “oh bummer” for a Victoria student, who will meet President Obama as part of an international conference.

Third-year Commerce student Vincent Wong is one of five young New Zealanders selected for a Global Entrepreneurship Summit hosted by the Malaysian government in Kuala Lumpur from 8–11 October.

President Obama initiated the summit in 2009 as a global platform to empower entrepreneurs with the skills and resources ''necessary to compete and thrive in the 21st century''.

Wong will also attend the inaugural Global Startup Youth competition, which is a three-day event aimed at turning the ideas of the world's best young entrepreneurs into high-growth ventures that address real-world problems.

The 500 youth participants will be divided into groups of four, with a 'hustler', coder, domain expert, and leader in each group. They will come up with a venture that will positively impact

LOL NEWS CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE

COCA-LOLA Coke have apologised after a woman with a disabled sibling opened a cap lid to find “YOU RETARD” printed underneath. The words were printed as part of a campaign which randomly assigns one English and one French word under the cap. The French word ‘retard’ roughly translates to ‘delay’ in English.

While the word has now been removed from any future printings, Coke admit there may be some caps bearing the word still out in circulation.

CLERIC DRIVES WOMEN WILD Women who drive risk damaging their ovaries, according to a Saudi Arabian cleric.

Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan, a judicial adviser, said women aiming to overturn the driving ban should put "reason ahead of their hearts, emotions and passions". Only men can drive legally in the Islamic kingdom, though a campaign for women has increasingly gained traction in recent years. salient.org.nz <<<

health, education, the environment or women leadership.

Global experts in innovation, designers, startup leaders and leading grassroots entrepreneurs will mentor the participants. The best ventures will showcase their prototype to world leaders.

Wong is excited to return to his home country for the event, and to work with like-minded youths from 90 nations, including students, young doctors and other young professionals on "ventures, which could really make a difference in the world".

"I'm looking forward to the trip. It will be great to put Victoria in the spotlight, and meet President Obama of course. I encourage other students to apply next year."

Additional information about the event can be found on the Global Startup Youth website, and on the Kiwi Entrepreneurs Malaysia Trip Facebook page.

“If a woman drives a car, not out of pure necessity, that could have negative physiological impacts, as functional and physiological medical studies show that it automatically affects the ovaries and pushes the pelvis upwards.

"That is why we find those who regularly drive have children with clinical problems of varying degrees," the Sheikh said. There is nothing in Islamic law to prevent women from driving, possibly because cars were not invented until 700 years after the laws were written.

BEEP TEST? TRY BEER TEST An American PE teacher who was drunk on the job is suing the school at which he worked for wrongful termination. While the teacher claims his slurred speech and bloodshot eyes were a result of having had “nine beers” with dinner the night before, his blood alcohol level the next day suggested otherwise, as the man was nearly twice the legal driving limit.

“It is highly likely that students observed his high level of intoxication, slurred speech and watery eyes,” the school said, though the man claims this didn’t matter as his drunkenness wasn’t “flagrant misconduct”. Salient can only speculate as to what ‘flagrant misconduct’ would be.

stay classy, world Israel is looking like a jealous spouse as ties between its best friend and worst enemy improve.

US President Barack Obama spoke on the phone to new Iranian President Hassan Rouhani last week, to calls of “wolf in sheep’s clothing” and “he doesn’t know you like I do” from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

The US Government shut down last week, with over 700,000 government employees off work indefinitely until Congress can pass a budget.

Tourists who will miss out on seeing the nowclosed Grand Canyon, Statue of Liberty, and other national parks and monuments, are pretty upset, but probably not as upset as the children whose cancer-treatment trials have been suspended.

Websites of The Washington Post, CNN, and Time magazine have been attacked by Syrian hackers, apparently after staff members clicked on a spoof email. Employees were too busy getting Smile City coupons to reply to Salient’s questions.

British Prime Minister David Cameron has suggested cutting benefits for under-25s, so that everyone in that age bracket can either be “earning or learning”. There’s no punchline to this one.

A student has been hit by the creeping realisation that, despite their best intentions, they have not managed to keep up with their readings.

The revelation was reported to be “particularly devastating”, given it is now the sixth trimester in a row such a thought has occurred.

headlines that weren't Bronze Age skeleton identified by “great tan”, report archaeologists Frustration as parliamentary bill against cross-party support gets cross-party support Will.i.am expected to move competely online by 2015 Labour stumped as mandarin proves impossible to repeal Snap election on the cards

13

POLITICS 

left How National learned to hate young people.

P O L I

By Carla Marks It’s not unusual to see National hating on specific categories of New Zealanders. Under this National Government, there has been hardly a group of people who haven’t been targeted by cuts, a ‘crackdown’ or a punitive policy. While young people might be becoming accustomed to being scapegoated by the Government, last week was quite special—as last week people were fucked in a new and non-trivial way, not once, but twice.

faces to deface: ghosts of vuwsa past

New LVR (loan-to-value ratio) rules are touted by the Government as a way to take the heat out of the property market by reducing demand. The new rules will increase the minimum size of deposits required for mortgages, meaning that now buyers will need to pay 20 per cent up front, an increase for most buyers of ten per cent. This means that for a $500,000 home, an average buyer will need to have $50,000 extra saved before they can enter the market. Sure, ECON130 tells us that this will reduce demand and probably cause a reduction in house prices—but who is it that is being priced out of the market? It’s young people.

The people who are struggling the most to get into their first home at the moment are the exact people who are going to struggle more because of this policy. It’s the Wellington YoPros who have saved a deposit, found a partner in the public service and want to buy their first home in Mt Cook who will be hurt. Young people, having scraped the money together for a $50-grand deposit, are now held back by the Government shifting the goalposts so their home is again out of reach, and will now see homes being snapped up by property investors and speculators who can afford the larger deposits.

But, the Government didn’t stop there. Last week, Steven Joyce announced changes to university governance so that staff and students will not have representatives at University Council, the highest level of governance in these institutions. The two most important groups at Universities will have democratic rights taken away from them, making their governing bodies less representative, less student-friendly and more focussed on profit than education. Already these councils are stacked in favour of the government of the day, making fee increases a practical formality without any increase in teaching quality. It literally takes students and staff out of the room where tangible decisions about their teaching and learning are made.

For young people, the last week has seen real changes in their future prospects in terms of study and home ownership. I’ve said before that governments should exist to help the citizens of their country. This government isn’t just failing at that, it is doing the opposite.

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>>> salient.org.nz

 POLITICS

T I C S

right The Courage of your Convictions

By Freddie Hayek

Tweets and Twats @JudithCollinsMP Lorde hits No1 on US Billboard chart RT...Great news and she keeps her clothes on too. @stevenljoyce Congrats @lordemusic, making it to No1 on Billboard after 3 weeks at no. 3; beating Katy Perry & someone called Miley. Gr8 work & gr8 song @chrisfinlayson Congratulations to @lordemusic, who this week has the no 1 song in the US an incredible achievement for a NZ artist @mayorlenbrown Lorde, #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, first Kiwi ever. Amazing, unbelievable for Auckland's 16 year old star. @johnkeypm Congratulations to @lordemusic on reaching no. 1 on the US Billboard charts - what a fantastic achievement for a young Kiwi talent. @LeVostreGC My Lorde Kyng Richard II listeninge to 'Royals' on repeate. He doth muchel favour the lyne about rulinge. @DavidCunliffeMP I'm at the mouth of the Tukituki River, talking to Ngati Kahungunu about the impacts of the Ruataniwha Dam.

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Best caption wins a free coffee at:

Email editor@salient.org.nz to submit your caption!

I have been reflecting on courage a lot lately. Courage is an incredibly rare thing in politics. In New Zealand politics, political courage can be like a needle in a haystack. Our political system, MMP, rewards loyalty to party hierarchy if you are a list MP, and a safety cushion of a high list placing if you lose your seat, if you are an electorate MP. Defying the party leader cannot only be troublesome, it can be fatal to your career.

Edmund Burke, the greatest Tory who ever lived (first-equal with Winston Churchill and Maggie Thatcher), once said that in relation to having the courage to stick to his personal convictions against the will of the people, “Your representative owes you, not his industry only, but his judgment; and he betrays, instead of serving you, if he sacrifices it to your opinion.” In short, an MP that is not prepared to stand up to people they represent, and tell them they are wrong, is not worthy of representing the people.

Members of Parliament, in our representative democracy are generally better educated, less ignorant, and worldlier than the people they represent. We charge them with leading our country and advancing our national conversation. Members of the National Party have had the courage to advance legislation to abolish capital punishment, the first failed attempt to legalise homosexuality, and to pass human-rights legislation. Members of the Labour Party have had the courage to advance legislation to legalise homosexuality, and legalise homosexuality, and give the right to marry to all New Zealanders regardless of sexuality.

It is then with profound disappointment that I read Maryan Street has withdrawn her euthanasia-legalisation bill from the ballot. Now the bill has been withdrawn, this issue will not be considered again in this parliament. The Labour Party does not wish it to be an election-year issue. There is not much I admire about the Labour Party, but the one thing I do admire is their commitment and courage when it comes to the cause of advancing social liberty, even if they don’t get the concept of economic liberty. The right to die, or be assisted to commit suicide when you have a terminal illness, when your mind is going to desert you, when your own body will become your prison while you slowly, painfully die… should be an election issue. To do so would show they have the courage to stand by their convictions. It appears political courage is now in terminal decline.

What a bloody shame.

salient.org.nz <<<

15

CAMPUS DIGEST



CAMPUS DIGEST get amongst "the best" VUW Confessions #745 I purchased a skateboard a few weeks ago from trademe. To be honest, I only got it to carry under my arm around uni, I don't really know how to skate, and the one time I tried I fell off and lost most of the skin on my arm haha. #739 I write One Direction fanfiction and I don't even care! #738 I cannot believe I actually did this! It's very cringey and please keep this 1000000000% anonymous thank you I have had the biggest crush on my tutor since I saw him at the beginning of the first trimester. It started out as facebook stalking and checking his profile like every 30 minutes. I then began to do worse in assignments so I had an excuse to see him.

I was so depressed when the trimester was over and I couldn't see him anymore. I still tried to hang around his office, or his tutorial rooms to 'bump' into him. It wasn't until last week that I realised that I was possibly crazy insane. Basically I followed him home.

I often saw him waiting at the bus stop so one day I just decided to get on the same bus and follow him. He took the bus to the other side of town from where I live and then I followed him walking for like 30 minutes. I ended up getting lost and having to call my friend to pick me up and missing my other friends play.

16

#737 Whenever I tell my flatmates that I'm going to the gym I'm actually just putting on gym clothes and going to the mcdonalds down the road #735 went to hope bros on friday and hooked up with this absolute godess. she was real keen and so was i so she took me back to hers, but lucky she was to drunk to fuck. i say lucky because it turns out we're related. when i got home i went on facebook and found her. i looked at some pictures and she had one of my great grandmother, which at first was weird but then i saw that her caption was 'my great grandmother' fuuuuuuuuck! almost had sex with with my dads cousins daughter VUW Cupid II #197 I hate this girl. She’s called Cerise.

She thinks she’s better than Royal with cheese.

I hate her face and I hate her jokes.

She definitely won’t meet the folks.

I wish her nothing but misery.

So I’ll get her to spend some time with me.

That’ll teach her, that saucy wench.

Was that too far? Excuse my French.

Perhaps we can go hear the Bard.

But her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

If only you could fill my cup, I drink your milkshake. I drink it up!

I hate that you smell nice and that you’re not very tall.

I hate that you’re funny but most of all, I hate the way that I don’t hate you.

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. #193 VUWSA PREZ. no one works the role like you do ur dimply cheeks ur mole eyes ur sxc legs ur want for mi cheaper bus fares wudnt mind taking a ride on ur bus if u no wat i mean! ul always be my prez Overheard @ Vic Overheard in the Classics library: "It would be too much effort to take my penis out and touch you."

Lisa Rolston Overheard in MDIA 102 Girl 1: Yuck! So I got with this guy in the weekend Girl 2: Haha why was it yuck?

Girl 1: I found out he is a trolley boy at New World Phillip Tatlock Overheard in geog 212: "jimmy hendrix started wearing a cape when he took too much acid, and that's what dictators do when they get too much power so watch out for that."

Hannah Worsley

Alack! Alas! Have I changed my tune?

That minx has turned me to a loon.

What is this sorcery that you’ve cast?

I must return to the hate of past.

>>> salient.org.nz

 CAMPUS DIGEST

Top Ten Uncontroversial Opinions 10. US Politics is pretty messed up 9. I prefer writing on paper to a laptop 8. Shane Warne should improve his twitter game 7. I like the crossword the best 6. GTA V is better than GTA IV 5. Neapolitan is the best of all three worlds!

4. I'm against child poverty, myself 3. I'm really not a fan of Youtube Comments 2. Breaking Bad is a pretty good show 1. Yum, tacos! carlo salizzo @louderthoughts

Law school was treated to a visit from some SPCA puppies last week as part of the DLA Phillips Fox Wellness Week. While Law students galore were admitted to the bar-k, Salient couldn't help but wonder: will VUWSA ever listen to what students really want and just get a cat?

Study Science in Context @VUW Looking for flexible courses for next year?

SCIE 311: Science communication (campus) SCIE 302: Revolutions in science (online) SCIE 211: Contemporary issues in science & society (online) SCIE 201: Energy, science & the future (online) SCIE courses are interdisciplinary, open to all students, and worth 15 points. These courses will help you to develop communication and critical thinking skills and will broaden your perspective on the role of science, and scientists, in society.

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salient.org.nz <<<

17

FEATURES • ϟ

By Harry Evans We should be more considerate and nice to each other.

I feel like a bit of a child writing such an earnest and simple statement, but I think it is one of the few opinions I really solidly hold. I fail at this mission daily. I don’t talk to people who I know could do with someone to chat to. I see it’s someone’s birthday on facebook and I don’t wish them a happy one. I don’t give a dollar to a homeless person but I will spend more than I need to on lunch, buy a pack of cigarettes or a $9 gin at a bar (to be fair to me I never have cash)((so they should have eftpos machines?! F U Harry)). I say mean things about people for no reason. I have treated people badly and have not respected their vulnerability. As I reflect on these things now, I feel like I shouldn’t be giving advice on how to be a nicer or better person to anyone, even if it is just an amorphous readership.

But I think some really simple steps could make day to day life a lot easier for many people.

(Some of these steps are only directed at other men as I don’t think we take enough collective responsibility for our behaviour.)

If you are in a car with your friends, don’t call out to pedestrians with homophobic or racist slurs. Don’t crudely suggest you like a woman’s body or that you would like to have sex with her. No one gains anything from this. The woman is made to feel uncomfortable. You never hear a couple tell you how they got together after one said the other had “nice tits” from a passing car. “Nice tits” is also just a terrible pickup line in any situation.

You are not made powerful by acting like this.

Avoid jokes where the punch line is something bad happening to one of the weakest groups in

society or perpetuating a harmful stereotype.

This is a thing that being a white teenage boy in New Zealand has made difficult for me and I am trying to unlearn it. Some people argue that the word “gay” has reached a point in vernacular development where it just means bad or lame.

This is not true. Make an effort not to use it like that. Don’t call trans* people “trannies”. Respect the pronouns they would like you to use. Little things matter, so try to be better than you were when you were 14.

Don’ t be a dick If someone is offended by your words or actions don’t leap to the defensive until you have actually thought about it. You could just be being a piece of shit. Unless it is the government telling you can’t say something it is not actually censorship, so don’t equate all negative reactions to this.

Don’t rape people. Don’t threaten to rape people.

Don’t pressure people to do things they don’t want to do. Remember that a victim’s clothing has nothing to do with their sexual assault. If

you see something that concerns you and you feel safe enough, try to ask if everything is ok.

If you don’t feel safe enough to ask, call the police. Speak out about backwards attitudes you encounter, whether they come from your friends or from people in power. Identify publicly as a feminist and an ally. Don’t tell strangers to smile, it’s creepy. Unless you’re a really nuanced and intelligent comic (and probably a woman), don’t even involve rape in your jokes because it is not worth it. It won’t be funny and you could dredge up terrible memories for someone around you.

Try to forgive people for hurting you. The weight of anger and resentment that you hold can be just as poisonous and damaging.

Try not to hurt other people to get the power balance back in your favour. It doesn’t work: trust me.

Appreciate that people’s brains work differently to yours.

Something you find easy can be incredibly difficult for someone else. Appreciate that we have been brought up differently and have seen different things.

Factor this into your judgement.

Look after yourself! Every now and then take the day off when you feel like you need to. Call it a mental health day. Stay in bed and order pizza. Watch shitty TV. Don’t beat yourself up about it; revel in your putrid glory. I fucking love doing this and as a student you are perfectly placed to do it too.

You are more than just a series of skills and body parts. Having a smaller (or bigger) butt isn’t going to make someone fall in love with you or increase your value as a person. Feel proud about the things you are good at and remember nice things people have said when you’re feeling worthless.

Feeling good about yourself is going to help you be nicer to others.

Take selfies.

 Harry Evans is a 22 year old law, politics and English student. He is also an admin of the talking about drake fan club and a chronically under-followed tweeter @hdeee.  18

>>> salient.org.nz

ϟ • FEATURES

Happiness: just another feeling

By Chloe Davies I can’t remember what I used to wish for on my birthdays, until I was 13. I decided it would be happiness. If I had happiness, everything else was guaranteed. All the things I wanted would have to be present for me to be happy, to live a successful life. I’m not sure exactly what they would have been. A good job, a happy relationship, a nice house, good friends, the ability to travel and buy what I wanted without worrying too much about money, health, freedom, maybe a dog. Once all those boxes had been ticked, happiness would come naturally. Before then, all I could hope for would be contentment.

and as the Flaming Lips so reverently put it, “it’s hard to make the good things last”. Neither are really that important to a meaningful life. Success may be an attainable goal, but you can always climb higher, and happiness is only fleeting.

Overall, it’s relatively hard to change the way we ‘feel’ without drugs. There are certain factors that contribute to our feelings, like major ‘life events’, and factors like the amount of sunlight we are exposed to. No one feels happy all the time. It’s a scale, and everyone has varying base levels. You don’t need happiness, and success is too subjective to be able to pin down. Freedom,

Life isn’t always all that great; it can be pretty dire. With all the ignorance and the hunger etc.

So do whatever it is you want. Maybe you could go about achieving enlightenment by joining a cult or finding your spiritual side. But you may as well relish in what you have. Fuck the rest of it. Just realise that happiness is only a feeling, like all the rest of them. Woody Allen puts it best in Annie Hall, proclaiming: “I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else.

So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.” We really should be thankful to be miserable (sometimes) and content (occasionally) and even happy (there will be glints).

You could go to bed earlier, drink green tea, work harder, accept the things you can't change. None of that will make you happy.

We focus so much on the future, what will be. It seems as though the main reason we attend university is to prepare ourselves for the future. We’re at that stage in our lives where we haven’t yet settled; there’s hope yet. An Art History major should give me some knowledge good enough for a dinner-party conversation. But it doesn’t make me happy, knowing this. It’s more that I am content in the knowledge that I’ll have something behind me.

What I really want is success. I want a successful relationship, a successful job—a successful life. Too often, happiness and success get roped into the same category—with success comes happiness. You’ll feel moments of joy at achieving what you wanted, but it doesn’t last.

Success only provides temporary good feelings,

friendship, acceptance, an open mind. Those are all more important for a meaningful life than whatever feelings they cause.

You could go to bed earlier, drink green tea, work harder, accept the things you can't change. None of that will make you happy. The only thing that can really make you happy is serotonin, which is a chemical in your brain and largely out of your control. You can choose to be positive and put yourself in good positions, you can choose not to care. But whether you are happy or not is a consequence, not a choice.

Instead of focussing on the absence of happiness or getting stuck in the trap of feeling sad about feeling sad, remember how little importance your feelings really have. When you’re dying, I assume your thoughts won’t be focussing on how you felt throughout life, but rather what you did (whether you ‘succeeded’ at it or not isn’t relevant). Happiness is so arbitrary and trivial. Meaning and rationality are more important. Remember: it’s not you, it’s them, everyone ends up alone (it’s fine), everyone else is just as confused as you are, and most importantly, everything always looks better on the internet.

 Chloe Davies is a second-year BA student studying Art History, Film and Philosophy. She has been Salient’s Film Editor for Trimester Two this year. You can find her on Twitter at @chloelrds  salient.org.nz <<<

19

FEATURES • ϟ

it's all downhill from here

By Alexandra Hollis I recently turned 20, and I don’t recommend it. It’s not so much that it’s 20 and that feels old and scary and my bones have started creaking and I think I need glasses (although that’s definitely part of it; can anyone recommend an osteopath?)—it’s more that the second you tumble out of the bewildering maze of adolescence, people start saying things. Things like, “When are you getting a job?” and, “When are you moving out?” and “Have you really thought about your career options?” (Never, never, and no.) For some reason, they get a perverse glee out of pointing out that the looming spectre of adulthood which plagued your entire life up until now has passed from looming to being actually right fucking there: just hanging out, standing next to you, sitting on your goddamn face.

one hope for the future of the species; and people writing for Thought Catalog keep telling us to be successful by 25, which seems a bit rich coming from Thought Catalog.

You hear about friends of friends getting engaged to people they’ve been dating for a few months, and acquaintances moving to Australia and the UK for crazy-fancy jobs; but also people working in hospo for decades and being perfectly happy with that, and it’s hard to tell what you should be doing, or whether you should be doing

time left. Should I just suck it up and attempt to make money and take Law instead of English?

Should I become a young entrepreneur? Should I ‘contribute to society’ and ‘do something valuable’ and start voting National?

No. Because despite the fact that when my mum got married at 24, she already had a failed PhD under her belt, and in almost that same time I’ve completely failed to have any meaningful relationships and/or attempts at (higher) higher learning, it’s okay to be young and stupid. It’s okay to not know what you want to do with your life, because almost everyone either gets into their chosen profession sideways or completely changes their career at least once in their lives. The rapid expansion of technology is regularly creating and destroying professions; by the time you’ve graduated and assembled a halfway decent CV, your degree may be redundant. We need to stop this quarter-life-crisis discourse before it results in everyone getting Commerce degrees and/or anxiety disorders.

Especially since the only people who are truly successful at 25 are dickheads, tech geniuses, or babyfaced day traders on coke (see also: dickheads), and who wants that?

the looming spectre of adulthood which plagued your entire

life up until now has

Seriously, I’d been 20 for less time than it takes Fiddy to say “it’s your birthday” before, like a bad Medieval morality play, two of my closest friends and venerated elders popped up beside me to impart their words of wisdom. “This night was literally the highlight of your entire life,” said the first one cheerfully; “everything is downhill from here.” “Oh darling,” sighed the other, “your hangovers are going to get so, so much worse.” Then they cackled the cackle of the over-21. The next morning, when I put my sunglasses on before I left my bed to grope blindly for some Panadol, I had to wonder if they might both be right.

passed from looming to being actually right fucking there

It is hard to feel like my 20s are going to lead anywhere: I’m broke, living at home, and doing an English degree. My chances of making it big before 25, or 30, or 40, are slim at best. I don’t even know what I would want to ‘make it big’ IN. And I feel like we’re mostly all in the same boat (the Titanic): the job market is shit; Tinder is our

anything at all. The temptation to just stop and wait for something—anything—to ‘come to me’ is sometimes too great to withstand, but my University career so far has been less about ‘finding myself ’ than all-nighters and bad decisions, so I don’t like my chances.

Hence, the quarter-life crisis. Or, in the nature of a society which increasingly praises youth, where everything is starting younger and younger, the quintile-life crisis. Except that implies that I’ll live ‘till I’m 100, which, with my current rate of liver degeneration and lack of sleep, isn’t likely. Oh God; 20 might be a quarter of my life.

That’s concerning. Frankly, I don’t have much

It doesn’t really matter what you do in your 20s, because you’re in your 20s so you’re bound to fuck it up anyway. It doesn’t really matter what you do at any point in your life, as long as it’s good or feels good (and isn’t harming anyone). It definitely doesn’t matter that you’re not famous by 25, or a millionaire by 30. Yes, a tiny number of people like Lorde and Race Banyon are making better music than I could ever make in my life, and I’m racking up thousands of dollars of debt for a degree which is largely ornamental, but Julia Child didn’t know how to cook until she was 40, so I’m one up on her.

Alexandra Hollis is a second year English and Media student who has fallen asleep in the library 17 times this year. She writes about books in Salient and types with too many consonants on Twitter (@alexlhollis  20

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Kim Kardashian is better than you

By Henry Cooke Ever want to get a tutorial on your side?

Mention Kim Kardashian. Be sure to frame it in a slightly scornful tone, as if she’s a younger sister you’re trying to disown. Tilt your head slightly. The room will light up with sympathetic murmurs. Your tutor will smile knowingly. You will feel very validated.

Kim is the epochal target of ‘the problem with today’ rants, an alliterative and recognisable name for boring people the world over to rail against. She’s a celebrity for no reason! A bad role model! Ruining Kanye West!

Ugh.

digress. Kim and Ray J filmed a sex tape— privately—and then broke up. Four years later, someone who had rights to the tape—most likely Ray J, given the fact that his career was in tatters—sold it to a porn distribution company. Suddenly, this intensely private moment was the world’s plaything, and Kim’s life story was essentially reduced to ‘slutty, half-Armenian’.

What to do? Kim started by suing, eventually working out a $5 million settlement, but you can’t litigate away that kind of reputation.

It would have been easy to retreat into semi-

certain websites or wear certain shoes. And that’s your problem with her: the control.

We want our celebrities to be humbled by the attention, to remain bashful and grounded while we shower them with praise, or follow them with cameras. It makes the whole situation feel less weird. But everybody’s got a publicist. Kim is just more upfront about her fame, a more obvious signifier than other stars. She lays the artifice of celebrity culture bare, and that makes us uncomfortable.

She knows you care about her life, and will probably find out about it whether she likes it or not, so she makes money off it. And when she does want privacy, Kim is ruthless at enforcing it: how many photos of North West have you seen so far?

We want our celebrities to be humbled by the attention, to remain bashful and grounded while we shower them with praise, or follow them with cameras

Apart from being more played out than hating Facebook, most of the hate Kim receives is misguided, misogynistic, and utterly meritless. The hate is always blamed on her fame in the first place—the “Why is she even famous?”

We should get this straight. Kim Kardashian is famous because she is attractive, on television, and has incredible media skills. Worshipping ‘great beauties’ is hardly new. I’d wager you all know who Cindy Crawford is, or Helen of Troy, but of course, that’s not what you really mean when you complain about her being famous. What you really mean is, “She’s famous from a sex tape!”

I mean, how could she? Film a private tape of some boring sex with her long-term boyfriend!

For painfully obvious reasons, Kim’s received all the flak from the tape, despite it mostly consisting of Ray J moaning into the camera and telling us all how much of a man he is.

Then, Ray J’s only remaining claim to fame is the tape and a shitty revenge song, but I

obscurity, to just accept the fact that whenever someone googles your name a blurry picture of you pretending to orgasm will pop up.

But Kim was better than that. She took this absolutely horrific experience and completely obscured it. Six years later, she’s a multimillionaire media personality, ambitious and successful in every venture she attempts, with literally the best baby-daddy in the world. Ray J, on the other hand, has failed to realise that his cultural importance started and ended with that Burial song that sampled him, clinging to his last bridge to fame by writing a song called ‘I Hit It First’* and trying to throw shade on Twitter. Ick. The sex tape could have defined her. Instead, it was a stepping stone. She wrestled back control of her image, and is now paid thousands of dollars to utilise it, to blog on

And it is ‘you’. You are the ones who click on the stories about her. All of you.

Not that I blame you. Kim Kardashian’s life is interesting. She’s good-looking and charming.

She’s had a fairly explosive love life. She drags out her vowels in a way that’s easy to mock. She has a child with the artist of our generation. You don’t have to feel bad about being interested, just stop whining about it.

Then, finally, there’s the role-model complaint, the same line we splurt at every female celebrity who dares to show sexual agency.

Nobody complains about Keith Richards setting a bad example, or Justin Bieber. Kim Kardashian has no obligation to be your role model, plus she’s a great fucking role model. Strong, independent, and totally in control. *Kim was married before she met him, by the way.

 Henry Cooke is a second-year BA student who used to have a MySpace name. He spends a lot of time defending Kanye West on Twitter (@henrycooke), and was one of the Salient feature writers for 2013.  salient.org.nz <<<

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By Chris McIntyre

As a 12-year-old, Jay-Z shot his addict brother in the shoulder for stealing his jewellery.

Today, as a 43-year-old, he is closer to being a billionaire than he is to being broke. The period that came in between is, in all likelihood, documented to some degree on your iPod. Jay has now mentioned Forbes no fewer than seven times—still a few short of how many times Forbes has mentioned him. He is the archetype of the started-from-the-bottom ethos and, unwittingly, the architect of hip-hop’s problem with privilege.

A few weeks ago, hip-hop celebrated its 40th anniversary, the marker of origin being a party held in New York’s South Bronx neighbourhood in 1973. A recent New York Times retrospective on the South Bronx described the 1970s environs as “crumbling, desolate and dangerous”—it is these roots which hip-hop, by and large, still clings to desperately. Hip-hop unashamedly remains the voice of the projects, the impoverished minorities, the story of the streets. The genre’s celebration of accumulation and excess exists as the counterpoint to this: the “mama, we made it” victory laps and luxurylabel roll calls could not exist if there was nothing to contextualise such tropes.

The result of this is a genre norm which has led artists to obsess over contextualising their own success, despite their background. Tupac attended Baltimore School for the Arts. Kanye

West was on scholarship to Chicago's American Academy of Art and had highly educated, middle-class parents. Drake was a successful child star (the wheelchair kid on Degrassi, in case you haven’t read any of the YouTube comments on Drake videos) with family members in the music industry—his uncle Larry Graham played in Sly and the Family Stone, is credited with inventing the slap-bass technique, and has made the Billboard Top 10. These artists certainly didn’t have it as tough as others in the genre, but you’d be forgiven for thinking so. In the search for authenticity, any element of privilege is actively hidden from the listener. The result is a genre where everyone seems to shun their roots in an attempt to come through as much adversity as possible in order that their rhymes be ‘real’.

Embellishment is not an inherently bad thing, but if you’re putting out a song called ‘Started From The Bottom’ you damn-well better be even slightly familiar with The Bottom. In fabricating and/or embellishing a back story, two things are undermined. For one, it trivialises the real struggles of people who do have a hard go at life. Secondly, it undermines the hard work that all successful hip-hop artists have to put in to be successful. When did it become not enough to slave at your craft and create art? Who decided that you not only had to dunk the ball, but that you had to lower the floor after you did it so people could see just how high you jumped?

“Identity is a prison you can never escape,” Jay-Z says in Decoded, a part-memoir part-lyric book released in 2010. For all the identity politics in hip-hop, this is more or less true. (Rick Ross has failed to escape his past as a college-educated prison guard, and remains trapped in his own lies as he sticks to his adopted persona: an international drug lord.) “But,” Jay continues, “the way to redeem your past is not to run from it, but to try to understand it, and use it as a foundation to grow.” There is nothing wrong with the bank-statement braggadocio of hiphop. But, rappers should take pride in their art regardless of their backgrounds: appreciate the ends, regardless of the means.

Embellishment is not an inherently bad thing, but if you’re putting out a song called ‘Started From The Bottom’ you damn-well better be even slightly familiar with The Bottom.

 Chris McIntyre has been described as "who?" and "can you speak up? You're mumbling." He's a third-year Statistics and Geography student with a passion for neither of those things. You know when rappers put their arms out like Jesus in their music videos? Basically the opposite of that. Tweets from @chrisiswhoiam  22

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strawberry toppa: s'now good

By Steph Trengrove It’s tri-coloured, tastes like what an orgasm should, and lingers fondly in our memories like the departed days of summer. That’s right, I’m talking about the Fruju Tropical Snow. Three strips of refreshing citrus sorbet on a stick; you could get no better ice cream. That was until Tip Top discontinued it and broke all of our hearts, taking away a crucial element of the oft-referredto ‘Kiwi Summer’.

However, Tip Top handed us fans of the Fruju Tropical Snow an olive branch in August this year, with their ‘Bring Back’ Facebook campaign.

The campaign pitted three discontinued Tip Top ice creams against each other: the Fruju Tropical Snow, the Mint Trumpet, and the Strawberry Toppa. Fans of the ice creams were invited to vote in the Facebook poll for their favourite, with the winner to be brought back for a limited time.

Hope once more filled our bleak and broken hearts. With at least four Facebook fan pages for the Fruju Tropical Snow, amassing over 20,000 likes between them, there was no way that it could lose. A perfect summer was on the horizon— the Fruju Tropical Snow was coming back!

But then, hope was crushed. Our hearts rebroken. The Strawberry Toppa won the poll.

The Strawberry Toppa, with only one Facebook fan page possessing only seven likes, beat the Fruju Tropical Snow and its army of devoted fans. Tears all across New Zealand were shed as we came to the sickening realisation that once more, we were faced with a summer devoid of the Fruju Tropical Snow.

A process of grief began. We passed through the first stage of shock and denial as we refreshed our newsfeeds again and again, slowly realising that we truly had lost the battle. Then the second stage: pain and guilt as we asked ourselves: did

we do enough, did we vote enough times, should we have shared the page more? And then came the third stage: anger.

“We can confirm there were no fake votes when we counted up the final poll at midnight on Sunday 8 September,” said Reinikkala.

We began to question how the Toppa could have won the poll without any outside exploitation.

The more it was thought about, the more unlikely it seemed. Whispered accusations of deceit grew louder, and conspiracy rumours began to circle. Was the Toppa really the winner?

In response to both the closeness of the race and the fact that there is far more support for the Fruju Tropical Snow than the Toppa on Facebook, Reinikkala said: “both the Fruju Snow and the Toppa are exceptionally popular products for different reasons—Fruju Snow seems to appeal to a younger audience who tend to be a lot more vocal about their support on social media. Toppa supporters, however, are exceptionally determined and likely to come back loyally every day to vote.”

At one point during the period of voting, Tip Top addressed the fact that a bot had hacked the poll and placed a large amount of votes in the Toppas favour, bringing it equal with the Fruju Tropical Snow. Tip Top removed the bot and righted the vote tally, but within a day or so after the bot cull, the Toppa had re-acquired the 6000-or-so votes Tip Top had removed from it. At the time, this comprised about 30–40 per cent of its total votes. After it was again neck and neck with the Fruju Tropical Snow, this huge acceleration in voting stopped.

Despite the many thousands of votes cast over the poll’s duration, the Fruju Tropical Snow and the Toppa stayed incredibly close, a fact that many Fruju Tropical Snow fans have found highly implausible. There were also reports that the Toppa is the cheapest ice cream of the three for Tip Top to manufacture, and that production of Toppas began before voting had closed, rendering the ‘Bring Back’ campaign a mere marketing gimmick.

So I went to Tip Top. It was time to get these questions answered once and for all.

Minna Reinikkala, Group Marketing Manager for Tip Top, said that after it was discovered that a “rogue robot… seemed to be playing around with the votes”, Tip Top corrected the votes and “manually monitored [them] every day until the voting closed”.

She also said that all three ice creams were just as “commercially viable”, and that they all went into the early stages of manufacture during voting, “in order to shorten the amount of time between voting and launch”, but that Tip Top “can’t actually manufacture Strawberry Toppas without the strawberries (i.e. the key ingredient!) and these don’t come into season until end of October”.

In the end, Tip Top is running a business, and they will tell me what I—and all the other heartbroken Fruju Tropical Snow fans—want to hear. We will never know for certain whether or not the Fruju Tropical Snow, that king among ice creams, was indeed the true winner, but our anger will not change the reality.

Jared McCulloch, a leader of Fruju Tropical Snow Soldiers and administrator of the ‘Bring back the Fruju Tropical Snow’ Facebook page, implores his followers not to give up hope yet.

He believes that one day, we will see the Fruju Tropical Snow rise again.

For the sake of all those with good taste in ice cream, I for one hope he’s right.

 Steph Trengrove is in her second year of a double major in Criminology and International Relations, after dropping Law because it's the Devil's subject.  salient.org.nz <<<

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Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money aren’t allowed to like anything

By Laura Burns Girls like boy bands. They scream and get hysterical over things they like. Girls don’t have good taste in music, books or movies. Girls are the worst kind of fans. Just check out the comment section on any YouTube video ever (especially if it’s a Justin Bieber video “what the fuck is this gay ass shit/?”), and there’s leagues of support for the notion that girls are shitty fans of shitty things.

Girls just don’t make worthy fans; they only like things for superficial reasons. As a guy, being a fan of things is pretty easy. For a girl, it’s all about having to justify why you like something (are you worthy?) or why the thing you like is good at all.

There are a lot of problematic things going on around girls and judgment of what they’re fans of. The notion that they can’t like something without an ulterior motive (most commonly related to trying to get guys, see: fake geek girl) for example, or the view that when a girl is a fan of something, that thing is automatically devalued or written off by a lot of other people.

It’s not even just guys who write off interests because they’re stereotypically feminine: girls are guilty of it too (spoiler alert: you’re not better than other girls just because you’re not into make-up and boy bands). It’s so easy to hate on things because they’re ‘feminine’; it’s encouraged from a young age that being compared to a girl or liking girly things makes you lesser. Girls who step out of the stereotypes and are into ‘cool’ things are praised. You’re only allowed to like uncool things if it’s in an ironic way or an exception to your otherwise flawless taste.

What is with this intense hatred of anything that could be related back to anything championed

by women or girl fans? There’s the common view of teenage girls being way too easily excited and losing their shit over their favourite bands, and the idea is to laugh at them and look on in disdain, because look how stupid they’re getting over this thing that really isn’t worth it! Meanwhile, football fans start actual riots over lost games, and this doesn’t have any kind of stigma attached to it.

The message you get from this is that the things that women typically get excited about are shameful and uncool, while masculine interests are a winner.

This is absolute bullshit. No one should be shamed for the things that interest or excite them. I’ve been made to feel horrible in the past about all sorts of things I love, dating back to when I was in love with the Spice Girls when I was seven. Since then, my interests have become a lot more varied, but I still have come up against people challenging why I’d like something, as if it’s any of their business.

Because, as a girl, I shouldn’t really have interest in things like comics or games or whatever else that I’ve taken an interest in. Mentioning casually in a conversation that I really loved the latest Iron Man film always has the potential to turn into a defence of how I’m a true Marvel fan when talking to a guy. Have I read the comics? Did I even know who the Mandarin was before this movie? The answer

to both is yes, also with a side of fuck you, I shouldn’t have to justify myself to you.

Justifying any of your actions isn’t really something that a lot of guys have to deal with often, but something that women as a whole have to deal with a lot. I once had to defend my degree to a guy who did Industrial Design who seemed to deem Graphic Design as a more feminine (unworthy) pursuit, and like, what do I even do? Never mind that the industry is still male-dominated (don’t worry, I’m still scratching my head over that one too). It got to the point in my late teenage years where I just wouldn’t share with anyone I wasn’t really close to what my favourite band was, what movies I was into, what I did in my spare time, because I was so sick of having to feel like I had to justify any of it to others. It starts to ruin it a bit for you when you mention your favourite band, and then someone spends ten minutes ragging on them and how their music isn’t even that good.

Eventually though, I’ve gotten to the point I’m at now where I just don’t give a fuck whether you approve of any of the things I like. I’ve stopped letting it affect what I like and my enjoyment of things. Why let some dickhead’s opinion affect how you enjoy the things that make you happy? Next time you wear a Batman tee and some guy asks if you’ve even actually read the comics, light him on fire with the lasers shooting out of your rage eyes.

Being a fangirl doesn’t make you lesser, liking the bands you like (whatever they may be) is awesome, and everyone should be able to feel okay liking whatever the hell it is that makes them happy.

If someone makes you feel bad about the shit you like, either make them realise that’s not on, or move along, because they’re probably not worth it if they make you feel crappy about something that makes you happy. Wouldn’t it be great if women felt they could be fans of whatever music, book, games or sport freely, without judgment or justification? I DREAM OF THIS WORLD.

Next time you wear a Batman tee and some guy asks if you’ve even actually read the comics, light him on fire with the lasers shooting out of your rage eyes

Fangirls, I salute you.

 Laura is the designer for Salient 2013. She has been dead for ten years #ghostfacts (for more ghost facts and a healthy dose of Simpsons quotes out of context, see: @lrrra  salient.org.nz <<<

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We’ll Never Be Royals

By Molly McCarthy Over the course of Lorde’s unstoppable trajectory to international stardom, I have developed a somewhat unhealthy obsession with following her interactions with celebrities via Twitter.

Way back in February, after the Love Club EP was first released, Lorde was justifiably ecstatic when electronic artist Grimes tweeted about it; just six months later, and actress Emma Watson was posting a simple but effective: “Lorde - royals”. Every couple of days or so I head to twitter.com/lordemusic to witness a new hoard of celebrities clamouring to engage online with Lorde.

In the last month alone, she has conversed with Chance the Rapper, Lena Dunham, and Jimmy Fallon, to name but a few.

to happen. I start to realise that with every birthday I draw closer and closer to that destination known as “over the hill”, and that maybe it would be more realistic to start referring to my “big break” with an “if ” rather than a “when”.

Just as I once believed that, prior to turning 11, there was every chance I could still receive an invitation letter to attend Hogwarts, I have long convinced myself that, so long as I am younger than the rich and famous, there’s every chance that I could still count myself amongst them one day. As if the only thing separating

Sure, I can tell myself that I, too, was once photographed by Lorde’s current boyfriend, photographer James Lowe; that I, too, have a connection to producer Joel Little—he is the son of a family friend’s friend—and that I, too, once had long, brown, unruly curls. But these links are so tenuous they barely deserve to be described as links at all. They play no part in Lorde’s success, nor my lack thereof.

Then, last weekend, Lorde tweeted “c'mon acne don't do this now”, and the harsh realities of adolescence came flooding back to me. Was I ready to interact with celebrities the world over on a daily basis when I was 16? Hell no. I wore my jeans inside out to school one mufti day to seem ‘kooky’; thought that posting statuses stating “I just caressed myself ” was funny and ‘on-brand’, and seriously considered getting a tattoo of Jeff Buckley lyrics.* 16 is widely regarded as a fairly awkward age for almost everyone, and even if it means that we can no longer lay claim to being the ‘Youngest Ever _____’, perhaps it’s better that, for most of us, our successes— however small or large they may be—come a little later in life.

I start to realise that with every birthday I draw closer and closer to that destination known as

“over the hill”, and that maybe it would be more

realistic to start referring to my “big break” with

Setting aside reasons of humanity’s natural interest in all things celebrity, and my weekly requirement for procrastination whenever we’re meant to be making Salient, I have begun to suspect that my fixation with @lordemusic has a lot to do the fact that she’s—and this may come as a surprise—only 16.

If Lorde can do all this and more at age 16, what are the rest of us doing wrong? I certainly wasn’t in contact with celebrities of any sort via my Bebo account when I was Lorde’s age, and now, six years on, I’m still not tweeted at by celebrities with any regularity ( Seven Sharp host Jesse Mulligan excluded).

And if it didn’t happen when I was 16, I begin to wonder when my big break’s going

an “if” rather than a “when”. me from being as successful as Lena Dunham (wrote and directed Tiny Furniture at age 24) or Kanye West (released The College Dropout at age 27), is the fact that I’m simply not that old yet.

At some point in the not so distant future, I will be officially ‘old’. There will no longer be young people doing incredible things who I am younger than. No longer will my age deserve to be preceded by the words “But she’s only—”. I will be whoever I am, doing whatever I am doing, and when I look back on myself at age 16, or indeed, at age 22, will I be able to say I was number one in the US, or indeed, anywhere? No.

Regardless of how old any of us are, very few of us will ever be international superstars, let alone interact with them, but let’s face it—no one wants acne when, and not if, we finally get a big break of our very own. * “All my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder” from ‘Lover, You Should Have Come Over’ tattooed on my shoulder. Clever, huh?

 Molly McCarthy is Co-Editor of Salient 2013. This opinion piece, which comes at the tail-end of her fifth year at Victoria University, may just be a thinly-veiled quarter-life crisis. If you’re a celebrity and keen to chat, hit up @molliotti.  26

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INTERACTIONS, INTER ALIA.

By Hilary Beattie A few months ago, I drunkenly berated someone that “comic use of the word ‘interaction’ was my thing”. They didn't get it.

Genuine interaction is where it’s at. I want to explain why some of your highest priorities ought to be enhancing your abilities to intuit people’s moods, let them know that you are properly listening, and actually be properly listening. If you want credentials for this armchair life coaching, I am certifiably 70-per-cent recovered from my days as a capitalist, Freudian-nightmare four-year-old whose life goals were recorded by a kindergarten teacher as being: “I want to work in the tall building with my Dad and marry my Dad.” So many of our interactions are shallow. So much time is spent in close proximity to others, less than engaged: simultaneously chatting to people idly on the internet, or making separate plans, or thinking about something else. This isn’t about smartphones, although yes, I saw that Louis C.K. video, and yes, it was bang on. Just as he thinks we need to let ourselves be alone and stop constantly trying to eschew any and all sadness, I reckon we need to be reminded of the power of person-to-person communication.

These are not mutually exclusive ideas. The common aim is to not take the easy way out.

When you're with people, give them your full attention. Be available to them.

I’m not saying that all of your interactions need to be productive—Iast weekend, I went to a party and spent a solid hour standing in a circle turning movie names pornographic.* By all means, grant yourself a reprieve where you're spending time with more than one or two other people: group dynamics are a whole other kettle of sexually political fish. The point remains that,

when you set time aside to spend with someone, even at short notice or for a short time, you owe it to them to really be present.

I don't know why people are so reluctant to engage with other people. Certainly, it's very easy to get distracted by a passerby's nice forearms or a lit-up cellphone (or two things that typically distract you). I think it's that opening yourself to feeling when you're just trying to be functional is difficult. Your brain's scattered all over your life, and if you engage with this other person's worries and doubts and fears, it's just going to slow you down and stress you out.

Eye contact is half the struggle. It's not unstressful.** I get particularly anxious talking to someone whose eyes are flickering around me, and who keeps looking over my shoulder. I think, why won't you look me in the eyes? Stop it. Look me in the eyes. What's more interesting over my shoulder? Hold my gaze. Trust me to listen—you will get to leave earlier. I know that it's easier to stare at the table.

I know that if we're talking about something sensitive and we look at each other's eyes, how you're really feeling will be more apparent to me.

I am making a real effort to engage with you, because I want to know about you.*** If I didn’t want to do that, I would not have made plans to hang out with you. You have worth and are an enjoyable person, but that's for another column.

Being able to fully engage with what someone is saying (or something they're expressing nonverbally) is similar, I think, to the ability to pull your brain in and out of 'deep thinking' so that you can use an hour between classes productively.

It's similar again to the ability to avoid thinking about work/school when you're at school/ work. I struggle with all three of these; just like semicolons, they're difficult. Focus is difficult.

Sometimes, I feel so sad that I stop being able to feel anything for a while. When this fog dissipates, I get a flood of something best—but still badly— described as 'feeling': other people's problems, heartbreaks, obstacles, insecurities, motivations, deterrents and fears are all starkly and harshly apparent. It doesn't sound that way, but this is far better than the alternative. I recently remembered how powerful it is to engage with and properly feel for other people. I wanted to tell you about it, to make sure you're still being human in the company of other humans. You need other humans. They're like you.

I have the distinct feeling, as ever, that I've overshared. There is a caveat to all of this. Don't take advantage of people's attention to embarrass them by oversharing. Even if you think being a more sarky and deadpan Zooey Deschanel is part of your personal brand, oversharing just turns into a competition. Applicators are just more waste for the environment, you know?

Hilary Beattie is a fourth-year Law and Commerce student who sometimes watches the fish-tank scene in Romeo + Juliet over and over again. She would like to use this blurb to apologise to a friend for making a David Foster Wallace gag in a column earlier this year. * Inevitable ‘Shaving Ryan’s Privates’ gag—like you could have resisted. ** My favourite language technique is called litotes, and involves the use of understatement for rhetorical effect. It’s, li’, totes accessible to the common reader. *** Unless we’re at a party and a guy behind me is hitting on a girl by talking about his passion for feminism, in which case I’ll be listening to that.

But I’ll subtly alert you to the comedy value, so we’ll both have a good time.

 Hilary Beattie is a fourth-year Law and Commerce student who sometimes watches the fish-tank scene in Romeo + Juliet over and over again. She would like to use this blurb to apologise to a friend for making a David Foster Wallace gag in a column earlier this year. Follow her @hilaritybeattie.  salient.org.nz <<<

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By Patrick Hunn Yesterday morning, I accidentally sent an email that simply said “~~U R SUCH A GAY~~” in size-250 italicised lilac Baskerville to 20 or 30 unintended recipients. The person I’d meant to receive it would have appreciated it as the natural progression of a joke we shared. Instead, I hit the wrong thing, emotionally prolapsed and wept on my keyboard. Maybe it happened because I lost my EFTPOS card early that morning and spent the day nicotinedeprived and hungry. I was bummed out because I knew that the people I had sent the email to wouldn’t find it entertaining in the slightest. Some of them would consider it a serious challenge to their sexuality, while others would assume I was a homophobe and committer of digital hate crimes. The thing is, even in the abstract, I still think that email is funny.

It’s admittedly a stupid kind of funny, but even thinking about it, I giggle. A lot of time is devoted to either validating or disproving the idea that life is an unnecessary struggle. I’d say that if it is a struggle, it’s because there are very few people with whom you share some very essential things.

It might just be an adulterated form of selfconsciousness, but I think it might be a slightly different thing. A movement of the eyes, a shake of the head: it takes very little for someone to make you feel like you shouldn’t have done whatever inconsequential thing you just did.

I’m not sure that a real person can avoid this.

That said, there are some larger-than-life people who might serve as good maps for attempting to do so. Ahmed Angel is one of them. If you’ve

My weight like a feather when I am happy and joy , but my weight like a mountain when I have adversity in life and exam . I defend about the truth and justice .” Yes, it might (absolutely) be the work of someone in Michigan, but I appreciate it all the same. Even as a comic character, Ahmed’s insouciant pout and seeming assurance that he really is the best person in the world despite the fact that by every measure imaginable the opposite is true suggests that if, perhaps, he were to send an email out to everyone on his Facebook friends list that screamed “~~U R SUCH A GAY~~” in size-250 italicised lilac Baskerville, he wouldn’t bat an eyelash.

He would be secure in the knowledge that it was unimpeachably funny and that even if people thought it was the work of a lunatic, hey, it was their loss.

I just really don’t like it when people make you feel weird, like an invert, for doing something harmless.

Maybe what I’m getting at is that I just really don’t like it when people make you feel weird, like an invert, for doing something harmless.

missed out on him, let me give you a primer. He’s an Iraqi medical student slash part-time model whose Facebook page is a catalogue of himself posing coquettishly in vinyl bodysuits with clipart tigers and planets. He writes long, nonsensical missives to his followers who respond adoringly.

In regard to his weight, Ahmed writes that “...

With my height I continued to the doorstep of heaven with pride in myself and my dignity .

My point, if I have one, is something like this: being emotionally invested in the approval and confirmation of people that you don’t particularly like is very human, and it’s very tiring. Being myopic and self-involved aren’t qualities to treasure in people, but being so attuned to the feelings of others that your own aren’t being properly catered to is a waste of time. Don’t let them win.

Be awful instead. It works for me. Sometimes.

 Patrick Hunn has been a feature writer for Salient this year. He is currently completing a BA majoring in Misanthropy and the Internet.  28

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It’s Hip to Hop: An Impassioned Defense of

By Philip McSweeney If you have even a cursory interest in the complex and multifaceted genre that is ‘hiphop’, you will have heard tales of the ‘Golden Age’ of the ‘90s when hip-hop, or so the belief goes, was at its best. That established: if you’ve picked up a Rolling Stone mag, glanced at your Tumblr dashboard, or kept up to date with your YouTube sensations in recent times, you’d been forgiven for thinking that hip-hop has entered a golden age 2.0; not necessarily based on quality, but in terms of progressiveness. Rappers who support LGBTQ rights and women’s rights (see especially: Macklemore) are touted as being incendiaries in a genre that has, until now, been allowed to espouse its archaic homophobia and misogyny unchecked.

Except; it hasn’t. I don’t mean to rag on Macklemore here (although he’s not my cup of tea, if you like him I’ve got no beef), but rather what he stands for. There’s a strand of discourse (dominated, incidentally, by white people) that takes his popularity as proof that hip-hop has finally caught up with socially liberal ideology.

Well, thanks for playing folks but you’re woefully, abjectly wrong. White culture is finally catching up with hip-hop, not vice-versa.

Queer rappers have been spittin’ their shit in the underground probably since hiphop’s establishment. Notably, Lady B (who is emphatically not, as was once rumoured, Kingpin Skinny Pimp with a pitch shifter) was “licking [her] girlfriend’s pussy” in the mid-‘90s; Public Enemy have been fighting misogyny (“R-E-S-P-EC-T, my sister’s not my enemy”) and rape culture (“They disrespected mama and treated her like dirt. America took her and shaped her, raped her—no! it never made the papers!”) for literally decades. Digable Planets wrote tracks dedicated to keepin’ it pro-choice; Missy Elliott, Lil’ Kim and Salt-n-Pepa had sex positivity and female empowerment down to a fine art.

The point of this laborious name-dropping is to show y’all the breadth of the hip-hop movement—if Macklemore is doing anything, he’s building on a movement with a strong, already-present foundation that he had no hand

in creating. Shit, even in recent years there have been some waaay more progressive figures than what mainstream culture’s been lapping up—the underground-and-proud Brother Ali wrote a song voiced from the perspective of a queer teen before publicly apologising, in a gorgeous article written for The Huffington Post, for his use of the word ‘faggot’ in earlier material (“I was too ignorant, and probably too careless, to understand that using that word was co-signing the narrative that being gay means a person is weak and doesn't deserve respect”). Meanwhile, Cakes Da Killa and Le1f have been doing their thing in the underground for years, only to break through, as best they can, now that mainstream culture is ready to accommodate them. It’s worth stressing too that they’re a far cry from the saccharine and palatable homosexuality presented by Macklemore—in the words of Cakes Da Killa, “take a course in rimmin’ / Eat my shit like a feast, don't forget the trimmings”.

But, ladies, gentlemen and trans* folk, that’s not all. The problem with having new inductees into hip-hop who haven’t bothered to view the genre through a historicised lens is their infelicitous interpretations of hip-hop culture.

Take the recent twerking furore. Miley Cyrus copped a huge backlash for her (in)famous VMA performance in which she shook her booty in a manner akin to ‘twerking’, which many saw as appropriation of ‘Black culture’ based on the assumption that twerking was a new movement endemic to Black communities. Correction: shaking one’s ass/bottom/derriere has been ubiquitous throughout hip-hop culture since time immemorial, actually, and ‘twerking’ is a name recently coined and disseminated to the kind of booty-shaking that was particularly prominent in the ghetto-house movement of the ‘80s and ‘90s.

Do you seriously think DJ Funk gave a damn who was grindin’ to his ‘Bounce Dat Azz’? Hell no—‘twerking’ isn’t Black culture, not really.

Twerking represents a delineation put upon Black culture by well-meaning white people who think they ‘get’ hip-hop because they’ve heard Azealia Banks and Nicki Minaj (if I hear the word ‘revolutionary’ being bandied about one more time), and this tacitly feeds into subjugating notions of Black sexuality (the sexually rapacious

black male, the provocative and precocious and sassy black female and especially their use of ‘ghetto booties’, which is fucking ridiculous) and distinguishes white culture as, well, ‘cultured’.

Fuck off. White girls shake their money-makerz too. Miley’s performance was problematic, definitely, but not because she gyrated her butt a couple of times—rather that she sidelined her Black performers and anonymised them for her gain. Self-congratulatory discourse that focusses on the twerkin’ obfuscates this, i.e. the real problem, all because you couldn’t be bothered typing ‘Booty House Anthems’ into YouTube.

Lest you think I’m finished, don’t even get me started on newbies to hip-hop who insist their hip-hop be ‘socially conscious’ rather than about that frequently voiced terror: ‘bitches, drugs and partying’ (staples of rock ‘n’ roll, incidentally!).

For one thing, it’s not like the two are mutually exclusive—see how Ready to Die has the two disparate elements interplay with one another, or how Enter the Wu-Tang subtextualises it’s social critique beneath layers of bravado and excess.

The two elements can even coexist peacefully within the same song. Consider N.O.D’s ‘Fugitives’: a bar dedicated to smoking weed (“it’s all good in my hood when I’m smoking that herb sucka”) here, and a bar to the trials of being Black in a low-income neighbourhood (“let me tell you how I became a n***a of destruction”) there. But even if a song doesn’t have anything approaching social commentary, the hip-hop artist has no obligation to pander to what you want in hip-hop. The conscientious aspect of hip-hop is important, sure, but so is the wordplay, the non sequiturs and bons mots, the lyricism, the beats, the sound collages, the flow and cadence, the energy. Forcing hip-hop into a socially conscious model in order to make it more palatable is disingenuous and, honestly, ignorant.

And that word, ignorant, well—you might detect a recurring theme here.

Listen to more hip-hop before you cast judgments on it—know it, historically and contextually, before you go around espousing theories about it.

In the words of Inspectah Deck: “Don't talk the talk, if you can't walk the walk / Phony n****s are outlined in chalk [metaphorically].”

 Philip McSweeney is a chronically self-deprecating student of English (specialising in Postmodernism) with voluptuous, lion-like hair and a penchant for avant-garde music—as well as your Arts Editor for 2013. Trawl through his music taste at http://rateyourmusic.com/~neverdenudesz or follow him @neverdenudesz 

salient.org.nz <<<

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50 Things I Need Your Help Forming an Opinion On: or whether I’ll become hyper calm and heroically redeem myself by comforting the rapidly unhinging single parents in the seats around me.

By Ollie Neas

1 2 3

4 5

6 7 8 9

whether conspiracy theorists are ever right.

zealous diagnosing or whether it’s a sign of some scarier kind of change.

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whether the world is getting generally better or generally worse.

35

whether Blue Ivy Carter and North West will do a Watch the Throne 2nd generation tour when they grow up.

19

whether Jesse Pinkman would have become Heisenberg if he and Walter White had been swapped at birth.

whether the government would tell us if they discovered that an unstoppable and earth destroying asteroid was heading Earthward.

20

whether there is really so much to admire in not being ruled by emotion.

36

whether many of the ‘facts’ I tell people are actually in fact false.

whether I should kill baby Hitler if I were to make a time machine.

21

whether language sets the agenda or expresses the agenda.

37

22

whether I make decisions and then do things, or do things and then think of a reason why I did those things and call it a decision.

whether sentences like ‘this sentence is false’ is just mind-contorting but otherwise harmless, or something deserving of profound concern.

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whether the past and future are just as real as the present.

whether I have a terminal disease but just don’t know it yet.

whether a living brain raised by scientists in a vat and disconnected from any sensation would think anything. whether it’s too late for me to improve my handwriting.

23

whether I ever chose to be good at the things I’m good at.

39

whether things at a fundamental level are basically messy or basically tidy.

whether the internet has slowed the rate of IRL cultural change.

24

whether I ever chose to be bad at the things I’m bad at.

40

whether there are infinitely many things or just one thing.

whether all of the internet is being recorded somewhere.

25

whether I deserve the good things that come from the things I happen to be good at.

41

whether there are things that you can only know without thinking.

26

whether people that are not good at things deserve to not have the things that would have come from being good at the things they are not good at.

42

whether I’ve had unfathomable paradigm shattering insights but forgotten about them.

43

whether I will go bald.

whether I put too much information on the internet.

10

whether I am being watched.

11

whether irony is bad for your health.

12

whether irony is good for your health.

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44

13

whether equal opportunity is possible without equality of outcomes.

whether pain is just the firing of neurons or whatever in the brain.

whether irony is not actually a health issue.

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whether things like money and freedom and justice would be good even if they didn’t make people happier.

45

whether the cliche ‘cliches are cliches for a reason’ is true.

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whether ideology always leads to trouble.

46

whether happiness is something you choose to have.

30

whether it ever makes sense to die for your beliefs.

47

whether it’s necessary to believe in something.

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whether it ever makes sense to die for anything.

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whether it’s best to pretend to know what you’re doing even if you don’t.

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whether suicide can ever be rational.

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whether people are ever interested in what I have to say.

33

whether increases in diagnoses of mental illness is just the product of more

50

how does fire work?

14

whether there is more irony in the world than ever before.

15

whether we have reached Peak Irony.

16

whether Miley’s public onset of lunacy is her own doing or savvy exec-driven PR engineering.

17 18

whether I’ll die in a plane crash or another kind of aviation disaster. whether, upon realising I am about to die in a plane crash, I’ll have a cardiac arrest from the stress of the whole thing

 Ollie studies law and politics and philosophy, and has been doing so for four long years. He was one of Salient's two Co-Editors in 2012, but is still too scared to move on.  30

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A Foodie by any Other Name

By Nick Fargher

At one point in my early teenage years, my parents were certain that I was an emo. My taste in music at the time certainly suggested so, as did my pair of black skinny jeans (only worn once, I might add). Indeed, my family have never been shy about mocking me; gently of course, and usually with good reason. And so it was that several years ago, while we were planning a trip to California, I expressed a desire to visit San Francisco’s Chinatown. In response to my foodieish pretensions, one family member declared (these probably aren’t the exact words they used, but it was ages ago, okay?): “There’s no point travelling somewhere just for the food: you just shit it out anyway.”

They had an interesting point. At a fundamental level, what is the point of being a ‘foodie’?

The existentialist in me wants to say that there’s no point at all; like all existence, it’s meaningless, pointless. The act of eating leads only to temporary, physical pleasure as the food is mashed up by our teeth, and fulfils a desire which must be sated again and again, every day for the rest of our lives. In that sense, eating is much like its fellow pleasure of the flesh, sex: fulfilling a never-ending, ultimately futile urge, but nonetheless an essential activity for the survival of the human race. However, we don’t describe enjoying good sex as “pointless”, because you just orgasm (or don’t, as the case may be) at the end anyway, or because you may have to clean up afterwards, so why should enjoying good food be any different? Fleeting, sensual pleasures are the most satisfying, and certainly the most poetic—

“At a touch sweet Pleasure melteth, / Like to bubbles when rain pelteth,” as Keats would say.

(Don’t worry—I’ve never read any Keats either.)

Sadly, literary airs aside, Urban Dictionary’s top definition of ‘foodie’—“A douchebag who likes food”—isn’t too far off, a lot of the time.

Consider the person who seems to instagram their every meal, no matter how mundane it is; or the food-and-travel-bore who will loudly complain, of a perfectly good bowl of phở, for example, that it’s ‘just not the same’ as it was on the street in Hanoi. You may know someone like this. No one likes these people. These connotations are part of the reason why the term is so reviled by many. In addition, there is the ghastly word itself: the ‘ie’ at the end so infantilising, so cutesy, so goddamn twee. But what other catchy name is there for people who really care about good food? I remember the Stuff.co.nz food blog, The Omnivore, once suggesting ‘foodster’ as a less “cringy” alternative. Slightly better, I suppose, but it doesn’t exactly seem to have caught on in the real world.

to the ‘mainstream’. Many people belong under both labels. But, much like ‘hipster’, no self-respecting foodie would ever actually call themselves one. I certainly wouldn’t, despite displaying many of the traits that might suggest foodie status. Walking for half an hour from Law School to the distant, ne’er-visited end of Willis St to find the ‘best’ baguette in Wellington?

Desperately trying to scrape the crumbly purple marrow out of halved chicken bones, because that’s totally what Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern would do? Walking home at 4 am from town on an empty stomach because Tommy Millions wasn’t open? All things I’ve done in the last month or so.

But regardless of what we call them, and leaving aside all the pretentious bullshit that so often surrounds foodie-ism, we should all be foodies: people who care about what they eat. Because you know what? It was worth the walk down Willis St to get what did actually turn out to be a seriously delicious baguette. And while the marrow-scraping was a complete waste of time (mainly because blunt plastic cutlery were the only available implements), it is worth taking a stand against the prevailing orthodoxy that shit food is the only post-town food worth eating.

Why should being a bit drunk make you venture into fast-food places you wouldn’t be seen dead in sober? Or is that just me? If indeed you are what you eat, then why would you want to be cheap, low-quality and nasty?

You don’t have to start watching Gordon Ramsay’s every show (I find the leathery-faced old git as tiresome as everyone else does); nor Junior Celebrity MasterChef All-Stars, or whatever it’s called these days (yawn). You don’t have to start spending hundreds of dollars a week on Wagyu beef, white truffles, and sea-urchin roe. You don’t even have to be able to cook particularly well— anything more complicated than pasta, and, at best, I can just about follow the recipe. All you have to do is be curious. Explore the rich and varied culinary delights that Wellington has to offer, on your own if you have to. Then shit it all out and start again the next day, ‘cos that’s what life’s all about. Better eating, everyone.

Sadly, Urban Dictionary’s top definition of ‘foodie’—“A douchebag who likes food”—isn’t too far off, a lot of the time.

Arguably, ‘foodie’ is merely a subset of ‘hipster’.

They share a desire for ‘authenticity’, a certain snobbishness in their tastes, and an aversion

 Nick is in his second year of studying Law, International Relations and French. In his spare time, and when he's not stuffing his face, he puts the macrons on 'Pākehā' and the extra 's' in 'focussed', as Salient's Chief Sub-Editor and Web Editor.  salient.org.nz <<<

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At World's End and World's Beginning

By Carlo Salizzo Pirates of the Carribbean 3 was about the internet.

Well, at least the parts with Jack Sparrow in them. I mean, the jury’s still out on that whole weird crab thing at the beginning, but that’s not important.

Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow spends the third film trying to relive and recapture the ‘golden age’ of Piracy. He fights the evil capitalist East India Company tooth and nail, trying to preserve the environment in which he thrives, while they slowly but surely assert their dominance over the entire region. It was a lawless world, the Caribbean, and for men like Jack Sparrow it was paradise.

Of course, by the end of the film, we realise that there’s no stopping the relentless march of progress, and Jack’s battle is fought in vain.

like Jack Sparrow’s foe Norrington, would be in charge, unable to understand or notice us wee anonymous beings. And we were right, for a while. The internet got away with a lot of bullshit because the world (and the law) couldn’t move quick enough.

But now they’re coming to get us. Facebook has monopolised the ‘profile’. Everyone who is anyone has a Facebook account. It’s not about want any more, it’s need. Events and

Not long ago, the

Companies of the world: they have the economic power to bring the big players and authorities in on their side; we may have stopped SOPA and PIPA, but we simply cannot win that war.

The shutdown of Silk Road has shown us that even the public sector is able to take down the big shady guys out there. And it’s pretty clear that we can’t just run away into an open-sourced dreamworld either—we don’t have the numbers, or the resources. Eventually, we will be ground out and beaten, in pursuit of profit.

So we need a different tack. If we’re going to survive, and have the internet run even a little bit on our terms, we have to swallow our pride and play the corporate game. Somewhere along the line, the bean-counters took over our internet, and there’s nothing we can do to change that. The cyberweb is part of the big scary world now, and it’s time for us to form companies, build businesses, and come up with innovative ideas that mean the big guys don’t have to screw us over to make a buck. Wouldn’t it be great, for example, if uncredited sharing could be made a thing of the past by an even better, fairer service?

That will only happen if the innovative small players can frighten the momentum-laden big guys into change—a process that’s hopefully going on in the Sky Sports offices right now.

internet was that balmy Caribbean. It was raw,

untapped, a little bit scary

Bruckheimer you saucy allegorical devil, you. Not long ago, before Facebook became the be-all and end-all, the internet was that balmy Caribbean. It was raw, untapped, a little bit scary and full of adventure. We lived in sparse communities called Forums, Message Boards or Chatrooms. There were the big settlements of course, like AOL, but they just didn’t have the intimacy to draw us savvy players in. We downloaded everything, literally everything. Piracy saw its second Golden Age. The Deep Web, too, has long been a wretched hive of scum and villainy, where some of the worst things in the world have been going on unchecked.

Today, in 2013, things are changing. They have been for a while—just like in the movie.

Big enterprises like Facebook and Twitter have stepped in, as has the goliath entertainment industry. There have always been big powers around, like Microsoft and IBM, but for the most part they were off to the side. Even the authorities were just like the Navy, really. We weren’t afraid of them, or anyone, because we kind of assumed that someone incompetent,

and full of adventure. organisation are almost entirely run through our big blue friend. It’s not a monolithic oppression, though. Plenty of services are at it. Twitter, sure, but also, think of our gaming consoles. The Xbox One (and to a lesser extent the PS4) locks us into playing on their terms. YouTube, Netflix and Spotify will let us watch and listen—so long as we’re in the right country and don’t mind the ads. The Deep Web has been infiltrated, and the FBI is shutting down the illegal (and otherwise) services one by one. We’re all free to do whatever we like, so long as we play by their rules—which is at odds with the whole ‘freedom’ thing that Tim Berners-Lee was all about.

So, we find ourselves at the turn of the tide. We netizens stand at a crossroads, and as a social movement it’s time to work out how we respond to this. Do we fight ‘them’ head on with protests and blackouts? Keep on running, go completely opensource and cut ourselves off from the mainstream?

It’s a big question, but that’s where the film can help us. We can see that there’s no winning against the commercial might of the East India

Maybe we should look to Valve. They’re a big company, but they’ve just announced what seems like a fairly open, progressive project with SteamOS and the associated Steam Box hardware. It’s not on the traditional ‘eBusiness’ model, but it is talking the big guys’ language.

With a bit of luck, and let’s not kid ourselves that it’s not necessary, we might see some real changes from the ‘gated community’ style of gaming we’ve seen up until now. And, translated into the bigger picture, some new ways of doing what we do, with less damn advertising.

Maybe it won’t be as much fun, but we’ll have much better gadgets. Focus on that.

 Carlo is a long-time Salient contributor and chief bro-about-town, favouring topics like sport, gaming, culture and list-based humour. @louderthoughts  32

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immerses you in a 3D virtual-gaming reality?

Think of the possibilities!

Television screens will be massive, the 20th iteration of iPhone and Galaxy S will be off the chain, headphones and speakers and recording technology will make listening to music good as.

I can’t wait.

We will live longer, healthier lives to enjoy all this cool stuff:

Dog Days Are Over

By Cam Price Life’s shit.

The Great Recession. 9/11. The Christchurch Quakes. Pike River. The Japanese tsunami. Iraq.

Global warming. Doom and gloom has provided the soundtrack to our adolescence. We are less Generation Y and more Generation Why Us? We have every right to be depressed about our state of affairs.

But it’s never been better.

Given the choice between being well off 60 years ago, or being poor today, I would choose the latter, hands down. Why? Colour television, computers, photocopiers, cellphones, the internet, washing machines, fast food, cheap air travel, Dyson Airblades, contraceptives, CGI in movies, and soft-serve ice cream, just to name a few. Even the poorest of us have reached a level of wealth that most humans throughout history could not have dreamed of.

Seven years ago, there was no such thing as an iPhone. The BlackBerry was considered a ‘smartphone’, and even then only high-powered executives owned one. We were still playing Snake on our Nokia 2280s. Nowadays, almost everybody carries around a device in their pocket which gives them access to the entirety of human knowledge (via the interwebs). How fucken cool is that?

And the future’s even better.

We’re all going to be rich: Everyone knows that the economy goes through cycles. The shit thing about this is that the economy went bust just as we were becoming adults. The cool thing is that the boom is coming, and it’s going to be great. There’ll be jobs galore (even for BA students!) They’ll be high-paying.

Things will be cheaper. The first computer my family bought cost $3000, ran Windows 95 and only had a slot for floppy discs. Compare that with what you get today for that kind of money, and imagine what you’ll be able to get for it ten years hence. Even the poorest of us will drive nicer cars, live in nicer houses, and do more of the things we enjoy. How awesome!

Holy shit technology is going to be amazing: The internet will be so fast you’ll be able to download a movie in less than a second. The 80 per cent of the world’s population who don’t currently have access to the internet will get it (well maybe not all of them, but a lot of them!)

Cars that parallel-park themselves? Pffffft. Future cars will drive themselves. Having your own robotic chauffeur will mean you can drive into town, get pissed as a skunk, and then get the car to drive you home. Radical!

3D technology will continue to get better, completely changing the way in which we interact with movies and games. 3D printers are fully sick and are only going to get iller. Did you know Apple just patented technology which allows you to swipe 2D objects from your iPad up into 3D holograms? And that there is a thing called Oculus Rift, a mask you put on which fully

It’s conceivable that in our lifetime, scientists will find a cure for cancer. Bionic legs will allow amputees to walk again. Genetic engineering will enable us to hugely increase food production.

When we can grow meat on a plate, or a crop of corn in the desert, there will be no need for African children to starve. Did you know that sheep and cows are twice as big today as they were in the Middle Ages? Jesus, humans are great.

Everyone will get along: Of all the generations that have gone before, this is the first one in which gays can be comfortable in their own skin. The population is gradually becoming more accepting of those who are different to us. The preponderance of interracial couples will mean racial lines will start to blur, and eventually there won’t be such a thing as black or white or yellow—we’ll all be beautifully tanned! We will be able to talk to anyone in the world without learning another language: we’ll just speak into our phone and it will translate it instantly into the language of the person we are talking to. Wow. There will be challenges, but we will beat them: Anthropogenic global warming presents a very real and present threat to our species. But humans have never met a challenge that we couldn’t overcome, a problem we couldn’t solve, a tight spot we couldn’t get ourselves out of. Electric cars and solar power and cleaner nuclear energy will all grow in popularity, and genius scientists will figure out a way to cool the planet. I have complete faith in the ingenuity of our species.

The moral of the story: The next couple of weeks are going to be shithouse. Exams and stress and worries about the future will start to consume you. But then we get three months of summer holidays!

The cup may be half-empty now, but it will runneth over soon enough.

 Cameron Price pretends he is doing third year Law. He is next year’s Salient co-editor. He’s so excited to live in the future. @campricetheory  34

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An Identity Crisis

By Duncan McLachlan

I am tired of this dogmatic barrage to be the real Duncan. If you’re like me, you live a pretty uncertain, schizophrenic and anxious existence.

I don’t know the answer to many things but most importantly, I don’t understand how to answer this ‘who I am’ question. So I thought you could help me. I am having an identity crisis, as we all are. Perhaps there is no ‘me’. My therapist loves this stuff.

Sometimes though, being contrived is cool.

See: music. It is sometimes considered ‘edgy’ to appropriate and borrow aspects of different music genres and cultures. Look at the advent of white female rappers like Iggy Azalea who are able to subvert the misogynistic traditions of the rap industry. The deliberateness of their cultivated personality is cherished. Iggy rapping is so much cooler than Kanye doing the same because Iggy is actively engaging in a culture that is both foreign to her and has historically oppressed her. One commentator, after Miley’s twerking at the VMAs, observed that “while nonwhite culture is assumed to be rooted in instinct, white culture is one of intent…

White people clamouring to up their cred by appropriating nonwhite culture do so hoping to be rewarded for choices that are falsely seen as inherent in people of color.” There are real concerns with white people like Miley ever trying to colonise black culture (if twerking can be construed as such). However, the reception to her dancing acts is an interesting example of how actively doing something that is not ‘you’ can be perceived as cool: contrived cool.

Observation 1:

Observation 3:

I think there’s a pretty normal intuition held by our inner Holden Caulfield that some people are just annoying contrived individuals. They love the new Drake album, all of a sudden.* They will push you to describe the Nietzsche book you’re reading, when they don’t even know how to spell his name (life hack #1: google it). They wear New Balances. Apparently, those are just comfy. They have this vibe which makes you just want to roll your eyes back and keep rolling them until your wine’s finished. They are fake. They have forged an identity to make them cooler. But so is the reverse: the anti-cool cool. Those who deliberately do the opposite: vintage New Balances, ironic Miley Cyrus fans. You can never win.

Now for a hopefully non-controversial confession: I act differently around different people.

Sometimes, I am morose and introverted. Other times, I am happy and bubbly. At work, I use New Zealand jargon like ‘G’day’ and ‘how are ya’. Around lawyers I show ~deference~ and ~respect~. Sometimes, and this may be TMI, but I actually construct conversations and jokes (GREAT ONES) prior to meeting up with people so as to avoid awkward silences. But I think this is normal. We are identity chameleons. We are who we want to be, when we want to be. Identity becomes a tool of engagement. Something moulded to foster relationships.

“You never saw so many phonies in all your life, everybody smoking their ears off and talking about the play so that everybody could hear and know how sharp they were.”

- Holden Caulfield, Catcher in the Rye I need some help. If you’re like me, you will have been told way too many times a mélange of the following: “Do what you want!”

“Just be yourself !”

“Don’t be someone you don’t want to be!”

“That’s just not you!”

Observation 2:

Observation 4 ~philosophy~:

a genuine interest and an interest engendered by influences? Some people will often say that they just really like that song. “It really speaks to me” is a classic line by someone you should probably stop talking to. Some people like rap more than rock. Maybe they grew up with it. Or they know all the albums back to front so that when the new one comes out: it resonates. I have another gripe here. Why is it that those who happened to have older brothers who told them what to listen to or had more trendy parents, are allowed to have genuine interests, whereas I (yes, poor me) am forced to work to prove that my interests are ‘real’. I mean, guyz, talk about an injustice.

And regardless, why does indoctrination by your parents make your thoughts more genuine rather than the pressures of your peers?

Identity is fickle. We act, wear, listen, read, in order to signal an aspiration. A person we want to be. A person who is well-read, well-dressed, well-versed. This is the paradox of identity.

Sometimes we hate fake people. Sometimes we love them. Having an identity is an identity in itself: being that genuine guy. We maintain the concept though to protect ourselves: to act as a Band-Aid from the terrifying waylessness that comes from being a vessel filled by the influences around us. But maybe that protection is misguided. We should celebrate subversion; embrace the freedom we have to create our own lives: the autonomy to like Miley, Drake and wear button-downs. To make me rather than be born me. Or maybe that’s just me and this was all just an overshare.** N.B. I hope you understand the irony of the Catcher quote. I just googled it. But it’s a good’un. *I love it. Listening to it right now. ‘Too Much’ is probably my favourite, but I’m flexible. **My ideas have come from the internet. I use Tumblr.

Here’s a puzzle: how do you distinguish between

 Duncan is lovely; a really great guy. He likes and hates everything discussed above. Apart from New Balances. He has zero tolerance for New Balances. Duncan is next year’s Co-Editor. @donutsmclachlan  salient.org.nz <<<

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Why doesn't New Zealand have a superhero?

By Gus Mitchell Superheroes have always been an American creation, and they rightfully 'work' there. They embody the American desires for unimpeded freedom, power, and the responsibility to others that goes with it. That's not even getting into the commercialisation which is innate to their existence. In the ‘40s, Superman and Batman wanted you to buy war bonds; nowadays, they want you to see their movies.

In the Commonwealth, however, any attempt at a superhero will be depicted as either goofy and tongue-in-cheek (the Monty Python sketch 'Bicycle Repair Man' being the best example), or as a derision of the American attitudes listed above. Most of the greatest superhero deconstructions of all time, from Watchmen to Kick-Ass, are done by British writers. They took a dagger to the greatest cultural icons of the United States, warping them into ineffectual or corrupted parodies.

While it could be marked as a response to the Cold War, I personally think it stems from the Commonwealth-exclusive condition of 'Tall Poppy Syndrome', the desire to cut down the 'super' to bring them down to the level of the ordinary to show that they should not be (or can't be) better than anyone else.

Ultimately, it's a difference in cultural attitudes.

For me though, this isn't about transplanting another culture’s ideals to our own or even about giving New Zealand the hero it deserves, but just giving us something, anything, to aspire to be. There's a strange and almost scary sort of humility that permeates Kiwi culture.

We favour practicality and simple thinking rather than the abstract or intellectual, where

any news story about an artist or an inventor brings an almost mournful sigh of “What are they doing with their life?” and the greatest conflicts we ever read about as children involve a sparrow locked in a video store. We don't have a Superman or a James Bond or a Tintin. There is no triumphant figure, no

So long as you're under the long white cloud, all men are equal—or rather, none are exceptional. cathartic embodiment of cultural pride or adventurous spirit left in our mythos. So long as you're under the long white cloud, all men are equal—or rather, none are exceptional.

Interestingly, this notion doesn't extend to other parts of speculative fiction. This is why I think The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings hold such an appeal for Kiwis. New Zealand's mainstream global appeal owes a great deal of thanks for Peter Jackson's efforts in adapting the 'Two Trilogies'. Most mentions of New Zealand overseas usually bring up a joyous cry of “Hobbits!”, and perhaps it is not that unfounded an association.

If we were ever to find a modern cultural hero for New Zealand, especially in the wake of The Hobbit trilogy, it would be Bilbo Baggins.

Humble, easy-going, and content to remain in

his domestic microcosm, Baggins represents the crushing humility and propriety of the New Zealand cultural attitude. This character trait is inherited from the Commonwealth zeitgeist of Tolkien's era, having modelled his stuffiness on the well-mannered and inhibited country squires of old. Even his adventure serves to continue this metaphor: he is only exceptional once he leaves the safety of Bag End (think of all the New Zealanders who only 'made it big' once outside of Aotearoa).

Embellished by Martin Freeman's neurotic and emotionally exasperated comic persona in the film, the Baggins way of life resonates with us down-to-earth Kiwis to such a degree that we have adopted Tolkien's mythos into our national identity.

Even if we have already found our hero, could we not still create our own? It frustrates me as someone raised on the popular culture and who has himself inspired to create such a character sorely lacking in an audience for one. That still doesn't say we can't attempt it.

My own attempts begin with a Wellingtonbased hero with wind powers (inspired, I know), and a budding film-maker friend of mine has already started a web series about a Batman analogue called 'The Guardian'.

Perhaps our hero lies in our relatively small popular culture and the themes and motifs therein. Darick Robertson's Blastosaurus and Salient's own Dinocop suggest a latent Pangaean obsession, if only due to New Zealand's 'ancientness' and the universal appeal of dinosaurs in trenchcoats. If Marvel is content to publish Thor, we can look to our mythology to find our cultural embodiment. The hero Maui has a great deal of noble feats to expound upon, and his attitude as a trickster could be a great way to explore the noble underpinnings of our native humour and comic self-awareness.

However we go about it, we need to think outside our hobbit-hole. We need to create something that will get us to look up in the sky without commenting on the weather. In the words of comics shaman Grant Morrison, "If your heroes can't save you, then maybe it's time to think of something that can. If it don't exist, dream it up. Then, make it real."

You can catch 'Guardians' at 2icecreamsproduction on YouTube.

 Gus Mitchell is a regular contributor to Salient's super news team. He studies Biology and Classics in the hope of knowing what to do should he ever be bitten by a radioactive Hercules beetle. 

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Paradise Lost

By Cody Knox Nice to see you here, students of Vic. Procrastinating from that final assignment that encourages you to “critically think”? Well you came to the wrong article, because I’d love to encourage you to critically think, for a moment, about the coverage of faith in the media. Is it really balanced and objective?

This is something I have thought about a fair bit, as it involves two of my favourite things: the media (which I studied at Vic) and my worldview (Christian theism). I am not offering a short, pithy treatise on every problem with a proposed solution for each. I have neither the time, space nor mind to tackle that. What I am offering up are some thoughts on this controversial topic, some bite-sized mind morsels that I hope you will ruminate on, alone and collectively.

Tasker said during the America’s Cup, that is grotesquely unfair.

Musing #2 In pushing true objectivity aside, the media offers a worldview that simply doesn’t make sense—“You are allowed to have your own point of view, but only if it agrees with ours.” By silencing religion in the public sphere, the media (news, film, TV or print) has become the bigot it strives to destroy. True freedom of speech, where differing viewpoints are permitted and encouraged to have their say, is lost. Does this

Musing #4 By attacking Christianity flippantly and without integrity, the media has created an awful irony: the foundational documents (the Gospels) of the religion and worldview they belittle, better resemble accurate journalism than the skewed, prejudiced nonsense we are often subjected to.

Musing #5 The world is messed up. The media succeeds in demonstrating this. Pain, suffering and misery abound. Now I am one of the first to put up my hand and acknowledge that Christians have had their part to play in human suffering. But is that really all Christianity is about? Can this 2000-year-old religion, with roots even older, really be summed up with words such as obsolete, intolerant, and bigoted?

By silencing religion in the public sphere,

the media has become

Musing #1

Christianity offers an alternative to the weary worldview offered today.

The prevailing thought is that all of mankind’s troubles can and will be solved. By us. When I look at the news, it is quite obvious that we are the problem, not the solution. Hope for healing of our pain and suffering is not to be found within, or anywhere near us for that matter. It is to be found in the pain and death and love of Jesus.

the bigot it strives to

What is the role of the media?

Many things could be said here: pushing particular political stances, making more money for overopulent men, etc. Right near the top though would be to give a voice to the world, its people, and its happenings. Doing this with a fair, balanced approach and a touch of healthy bias (yes, there is such a thing) is one of the key tenets of journalism.

Why, then, does the media so clearly favour or disfavour certain groups of society?

The media gives the masses a voice, only to gag some. This is seen with Christians, who are known only for what they are against, not what they are for (or truly believe). True Christian practice and belief is thrown to the wayside in favour of something grossly distorted. As Martin

destroy. sound like democracy? Totalitarianism may be more fitting.

Musing #3 Christianity is an historical religion. It is based on events that occurred in real time and space.

This means that it can be rationally proven or disproven. The worldview of Christian theism stands or falls on Jesus Christ of Nazareth. If he didn’t live, die, and rise from the dead, then it is all worthless. It even says that in the Bible (1 Corinthians 15:16–19). It asks people to question. To investigate. To pursue the objective truth of the world.

Now what?

Obviously, we have begun to dip our toes into the intellectual deep-end here. There are many more words begging to be said, but other topics and views need to be heard and read.

After all, this is an opinion piece. You have heard mine. What is yours?

 Cody Knox is a Victoria graduate who majored in Media Studies and Modern Languages. He currently works in IT for a government department. He enjoys a good book, hardcore metal or a Tchaikovsky symphony, and a nice glass of baileys before going to bed at 9pm . salient.org.nz <<<

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mad science

bent

Playing (Statis)tricks on Your Mind

Queerbaiting

By Caitlin Craigie

Whether you’ve heard of ‘queerbaiting’ or not, you’ve probably seen it somewhere before. When the writers of a TV show or movie want their product to appeal to the queers in their audience they tease that a character, or a pairing of characters, is/are queer. This queerness isn’t depicted explicitly—same-sex relationships, or even just a character saying they’re queer, are still awfully rare onscreen—but through allusions, and ambiguous interactions between characters (if you’ve ever seen the shower scene in Pitch Perfect you’ll know what I mean). When things are getting a little too queer though, rather than alienate homophobes in their audience, writers will have the character, who has been deliberately implied to be queer, say explicitly that they’re straight, or find themselves in a heterosexual relationship, despite their narrative up until that point.

Studies show that 87.2 per cent of statistics are made up on the spot. 100 per cent of people who vote in the VUWSA elections will eventually die. Sex Panther by Odeon—they’ve done studies, you know: 60 per cent of the time, it works every time.

As you can see, statistics can be twisted in the most deceptive and abhorrent ways. This week’s Mad Science focusses on how to scrutinise statistics.

First lesson: correlation does not equal causation. Many European studies have found a correlation between the birth rate and the number of stork nests. Hurrah! Many of us can validate our naïve belief that storks and only storks bring babies. Wrong. The actual reason for this correlation, according to a STAT193 lecturer who crushed my soul, was that more building construction occurred as the population increased, which in turn provided more nesting places for storks.

Second lesson: don’t be the Average Joe—learn the difference between average and median. For example, take the number of times five people will attempt to try twerking after watching Miley at the VMAs—0, 0, 1, 2, 477. The median, a.k.a. the middle number when they are arranged in ascending numerical order, is once (and no-one is judging). The average is all the twerking attempts added together divided by the number of people—96. If the data is skewed too heavily by one person, it will sway the average but not the median, and thus the ‘average’ person seems like they have waaaaay too much free time (hate to be mean).

Third lesson: being the fastest-growing something might not be all that impressive. Say there are 250 vegans on campus, and their number is growing at a rate of 0.2 per cent per day.

Say there are only five bacon-eaters on campus, and two more discover this God-like meat by the end of the day. The number of bacon-eaters has grown by 40 per cent. This sounds more impressive than the vegans’ percentage, but in reality, they still reflect a much smaller group (until two months later when their population reaches 5.7 billion, assuming no heart attacks).

Final lesson: saying something is 99-per-cent accurate can be both true and meaningless. Say one in 8000 people actually are actually Beliebers, and the test for this ghastly affliction is 99-percent accurate. That means the test would falsely tell one in 100 people they were Beliebers when they actually had musical taste.

This means the tester would tell 80 of those 8000 people they’re Beliebers—even though statistically, only one of them actually is.

So for any one person, a “you’re a Belieber” result only has a onein-80 chance of being true—a base-rate fallacy.

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By Matthew Ellison

It’s important that queer stories get told. There are too few queer role models, and too few narratives that explore queer issues.

By having decent queer characters on our screens, it allows for important discourse on queer issues, educating everyone.

Queerbaiting is erasure. It’s telling queer people that they don’t exist, or that our stories aren’t worth telling, and it’s harmful.

There are many common elements of queer stories that differ from heterosexual experiences, especially growing up. When portrayed onscreen, these experiences help to communicate what queer people go through, and it matters that these stories get told. It’s not just a quirk that queers tend to gravitate to shows that have queer characters, almost regardless of the quality of the show. The L Word is not a great show (go ahead, tell me it didn’t go downhill), but it’s widely watched by queers, because there are so few decent actually queer women characters on TV. And that’s why they can get away with it—because we’ll take what we can get. Once it’s hinted that a character is queer, or worse still, a pair of same-sex characters is hinted to be queer together, the pairing takes on a life of its own beyond the show.

Because, at least in part, queer stories aren’t being properly told onscreen, people write their own. There are blossoming fandoms full of people who latch on to the queer teaser we’re given, and take it far, far beyond the source material. One of the most popular examples is the BBC’s Sherlock, where it’s a running ‘joke’ in the show that John Watson and Sherlock might be in a relationship (this makes me so angry—queerness isn’t a joke), but Watson ends up dating a bunch of women. The fanbase, however, has generated terrifyingly huge numbers of images of John and Sherlock embracing as lovers.

The situation isn’t good.

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Things That Go Bump In The Night with Lux Lisbon & Seymour Butts

Is it illegal to have sex in the botanz? Real keen to bang in nature.

cover up quickly if necessary, I don’t see how there’s any reasonable way you could be causing harm to anyone, which is surely the main concern.

Hey.

Go forth and bang.

Seymour x

In short, yes. I’m sorry about this, because I totally get where you’re coming from. It counts as indecent exposure under the Summary Offences Act, section 27, but that section also says that it’s a defence if you had reasonable grounds to believe you wouldn’t be observed.

So if you’re going to do it, do it well. Definitely go at night, and definitely go deep into the gardens where there’s the least chance of you being discovered. If you’re wanting to be somewhere flat, you might try Magpie Lawn? It’s pretty quiet even during the day, and you’d be able to see someone coming if you were right at the back. Take a picnic blanket with you to do it on, because a) you won’t get so dirty, and b) you can wrap yourself in it if anyone comes along.

If you’re wanting to do it standing up, then may I suggest going into the trees? You’re less likely to be discovered as there won’t be such a clear line of sight to you, and the sound will be muffled.

The Town Belt, up behind Te Ahumairangi Hill, is quieter than the botans, and big too. If you’re not dead set on the botans themselves you might have better luck there.

Regardless of where you do it, I’d recommend at least trying to keep some clothes on so that you can run if you need to. I doubt that you’d ever actually get in trouble if you were discovered, but it’s better to play it safe, you know? It’d probably be unbelievably funny to be sprinting through the woods chased by some grumpy old dude who didn’t like what he’d overheard.

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Basically, so long as you have the blanket with you to

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e f i L r u o Y g n i Fix

[BECAUSE OURS ARE WRITTEN OFF]

Dear Hector and Janet, I’m a bro, and a lot of the things I’ve been learning at university (both in classes and socially) have made me think about my bro-ness. I really enjoy hanging out with the lads, talking shit and just being myself, but then I talk to a lot of my new friends who really look down on people who do those things. How do I reconcile these two contradictory people that I’ve become? How do I let people know that I’m a bro? Will they still love me?

Love, Papa Smurf

JANET I am not a bro. I was friends with some at one stage. I don’t want you to think that I’m saying this at the start to express disapproval at bro-dom. I just want to make it clear that I’m out of the bro-loop.

It’s important that you hang out with people that you enjoy hanging out with. It’s also important that you let others do the same. This isn’t your particular problem, though: your problem is internal conflict.

Presumably, you enjoy hanging out with all types of people. That’s exciting. When I was 13 and being bullied, my parents ordered a book called Queen Bees and Wannabes that was meant to help parents deal with bitchy teenage girls. It was later adapted to be the script of Mean Girls. One of its many insights was, people who get along with lots of different groups are rare but special.

You’re rare but special. (y).

Regarding reconciliation, I don’t think that

your enjoyment of shooting the shit about sport rather than Syria with your fellow bros means that you really need to ‘reconcile’ anything. You just have to accept that you might not be the bro telling the most ruckus story about smashing some box in a public toilet so rigorously that your flat-cap falls off.

Or whatever bros talk about. (I know this isn’t all that bros talk about.) If your bros say something that you don’t agree with, call them out on it. I don’t know, wouldn’t you do that with someone you disagree with regardless of whether or not they’re one of your bros?

If you’re a bro and your friends aren’t bros, of course they should still love you. They’re your friends. They’re just less likely to come to parties at your house.

Janet

HECTOR Hi Papa Smurf, Look, juggling more than one group of friends isn’t easy. It’s a pretty common issue for people moving away from home to university, and making a whole lot of new friends in the process. As you’ve alluded to, university is a time for learning new things and pushing your boundaries, while often your friends back home will go in a different direction entirely. Even within the University, it’s easy to get to know lots of diverse people, and sometimes that doesn’t settle neatly into one amorphous blob of joy and laughter. So don’t be too concerned about the bro-divide! It can happen with anything and anyone.

resentment directed at bros, and a lot of it is pretty well justified. Some bros definitely do some rats shit. But if you’re still happy being friends with them, your bros are probably not those bros, and if they are then maybe you should think about that.

The thing you should be worrying about isn’t your friends, though. At the end of the day what’s going to keep you happy is making sure that you stay true to yourself. Don’t get caught up in the bullshit if it’s making you feel guilty or uncomfortable, and don’t do that thing where you put on a whole persona depending on who you’re hanging out with. I know it’s really tempting, but in the end you’ll be much happier if you can just act normal.

Be honest about the things you enjoy, and if your new friends can’t accept you in all your piss-sinking, footy-watching, yarn-having glory, then they probably aren’t great friends to begin with. Intolerance is an ugly colour on anyone!

As for the bros, don’t be afraid to call them out when they’re full of it. “Be the change you wish to see in the world”, and all that.

Just don’t lecture them from on high; that’s not friendship, and won’t make anyone’s day any better.

I mean, all your friends don’t even have to meet until your 21st, and even then they’ll probably just hang out on either side of the room until everyone’s really drunk and making out with each other. Alcohol and sex drive remain the eternal equalisers, after all.

Yours penultimately, Hector

That said, the bro issue is one that has a couple of thorny issues. There’s a lot of

Lux and Seymour are our in-house sexperts. If you've got any questions about all things

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Phone: (04) 463 5310 Email: counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz.Visit: Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

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LIFESTYLES OF THE POOR & THE STUDIOUS a Nigell t den Lawstu

When Life Gives You Lemons Preserved Lemons

By Eve Kennedy Preserved lemons are one of my Mum's fortes, and I was always super-impressed as a young'un by Mama Jude when she'd make a jar of preserved lemons to use in cooking.

Chutneys and jams and other preserves impress me particularly because they seem like a tricky art to master—it's a skill that takes a while to master, and there are a lot of rules to follow regarding the sterilisation of jars/ensuring the preserves are set, and everyone knows I'm not a stickler for rules.

Preserved lemons are a really simple thing to make—all you have to do basically is chuck some lemons in a jar with some salt and leave them for a couple of weeks in the fridge.

The lemons will go nice and soft and are perfect for using in Moroccan cooking.

Lemons (enough to pack tightly into a jar of your choice, and a couple more for juicing)

Heaps of rock salt Clean jar with airtight lid and wide neck.

Slice the lemons down lengthways, but not quite to the end of lemon. Do the same the other way so that the lemon is cut into quarters but attached together at the end.

Put salt in between the quarters of the lemons and then stuff them into the jar. Put some salt on top of each lemon and then fill the jar with the rest of the lemons that are prepared the same way. If need be, quarter some of the lemons fully rather than leaving them intact at one end, so that you can stuff the jar better, but ensure there is salt surrounding the lemon so that it preserves.

Juice the spare couple of lemons and pour the juice on top— ensure that the lemons are covered fully, right up to the top of the jar with lemon juice. Screw the lid on tightly and leave out at room temperature for a day or two, flipping the jar upside down each day.

Then refrigerate for 3 weeks or so or until the lemons are soft and tender. Rinse the salt from the lemon flesh and take the seeds out before cutting and using in cooking.

I used some of my lemons to make a roasted-eggplant baba ghanoush. Roast 3 eggplants, cut in half and then sliced with preserved lemon wedges stuck in the flesh. Season with pepper and rub with oil, and roast slowly at 180 °C until soft, tender, and starting to golden. Remove flesh from the skin and blend with the lemon wedges, a can of rinsed chickpeas, some minced garlic, and some more pepper. After making this, I found myself singing Kanye's ‘I Am a God’ because it really was that delicious.

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Health tip # 23

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week!

AN APPLE A DAY

What is Mental Health Awareness Week?

Cider?I Barely Knew Her beer'd

By Dylan Jauslin Summer is, I swear, just around the corner.

For many that means lying on the beach in between trying to find new flatmates for next year. For me, it means cider time. You see cider is (and please quote me on this), the next big thing in the New Zealand craftbeverage world. If you look at New Zealand cider now, you can see similar signs to the craft brewing industry a few years back, and I think craft cider is about to go off.

Having said that, the best, most exciting ciders I’ve had are British or particularly French imports. Partly that’s because those places have a long tradition of excellent cidermaking. But it’s also because in New Zealand most of what passes for cider is actually alcoholic apple concentrate, frequently with berry or other fruit extract added. Whilst I don’t wish to disparage this (god knows a flagon of berry flavoured apple-booze is a great thing at a bbq), it is only a fraction of what cider has to offer us.

So what ciders will I be enjoying this summer? My go to favourite cider for any situation is Peckham’s English Cider (5.6 per cent). It’s pale amber, pleasantly dry, with lovely soft tannins. Peckham’s themselves

are based in Moutere but can be found in bottles and on tap around Wellington. They make a range of ciders, including some funfruity kinds and a few limited-release and wild-fermented apple blends.

Another favourite of mine is Zeffer Slack Ma Girdle (7 per cent). Named after a traditional English apple variety and hailing from Matakana, this is a bold, tart and dry cider for your more serious cider session.

If you like other things mixed in your cider (and why not?) or if you like your cider on the sweeter side, then you should try some Apple Tree Cider Co. ciders which come in Elderflower, Spiced Apple, and Pear and Ginger varieties; all 4.5 per cent and all a lot of fun.

Finally, for beer drinkers who wish to tread on more familiar turf, Townshend Brewery makes a number of limited-release ciders from the apples that grow at the brewery.

Currently available from Regional Wines and Spirits is the Sitbee Cider (5.8 per cent).

Fizzy, very tart and a little dirty, Townshend ciders are always always something unexpected.

This is my last column for the year. Have a great (and responsible) beery (and cidery!) summer and hopefully I’ll see you back here next year for more important beer-talk.

Mental Health Awareness Week is an event created by the Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand. Each year, a different theme is chosen based upon the five winning ways of wellbeing: connect, give, take notice, keep learning and be active. This year’s theme is connect, so we are encouraging people to create, build and foster their relationships with people and communities in any possible way.

This year the week is focussing on ‘connecting’; what’s that got to do with general wellbeing?

It’s a good question, and seems quite obvious when I say people need deep relationships in our lives.

However, when we consider our current ‘IT-climate’, often our online connections come at the expense of our real-life physical ones. If we go one step further, consider how many times people are distracted by their mobile phones over coffee, or text instead of call. For many young people, less confronting to make friends in an online world because you can create an ideal identity, and carefully edit everything they say. When we think about it, it’s easy to see how people become disconnected.

Hence, connection to others, particularly in today’s world, is becoming increasingly recognised as a factor we need to promote.

Human beings are naturally social—it’s in our DNA. We like to feel like we belong to something.

Social connection enhances our resilience, positive emotion, engagement, and motivation.

It’s definitely good for us.

It’s a stressful time of year for students; what advice would you give them for dealing with the avalanche of assignments?

They all seem to come at once don’t they? Some key tips: 1. Make a plan—prioritise in terms of due dates and weighting. Set a date you will complete them by, and stick to it.

2. Head down, bum up! Procrastination is the enemy…

3. Spend the extra time examining what is being asked of you—understand what is being asked of you. If you don’t get it, ask.

4. Work in a 5:1 ratio—50 minutes working, ten minutes rest. Repeat. Remember to take at least hour-long breaks every three hours.

5. Be gentle on yourself—high expectations are great, but unrealistically high expectations are detrimental to your wellbeing.

Answers supplied by Rachel from Student Health

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43

ARTS 

ARTS Ratings Guide: Seinfeld Episodes edition!: 5 Stars: The Hamptons 4 Stars: The Marine Biologist 3 Stars: The Library 2 Stars: The Finale 1 Star: A Seinfeld Reunion that's not on Curb 0 Stars: Friends

film 

seinfiled: a deity

ARTICLE

chloe davies

Seinfeld is the best TV show ever. Its reputation is flawless. If you are in tune with popular culture at all, you will definitely have seen Friends. Well Seinfeld is of the same era as Friends, but it’s like 10,000 times better (objectively). Seinfeld ran for nine seasons between 1989 and 1998. Its tagline is the “show about nothing”. This is true: just four pals, living their lives, hanging out and having a laugh. It’s. Just. So. Great.

Shows about ‘things’ always meet sad ends. How far can you really take a hospital drama? Not very far at all. Seinfeld is intelligent, it’s witty (the best kind of humour), sarcastic, cynical and absolutely shameless. The characters are eccentric, ridiculous, selfish, and real. So so real. It will make you think and it will make you laugh. It will not make you feel sad. It is not serious, ever.

Seinfeld will never cause you to cry (unless those tears are caused by laughter—which will totally happen). Other sitcoms get too serious—Seinfeld is all hilarity, all laughs. It can be dark. But dark in a real-life sort of way. Not in the other kind of scary way. Unless you mean scary-accurate (which it is). It's been off the air for 15 years.

Yet there has yet to be anything better. I proudly proclaim it is the best-written sitcom throughout human and television history.

Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld (a heavenly match in comedy) manage to turn those 'everyday moments' into comedy gold. It’s all

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very relatable. Everyday occurrences are turned into comedy, the humour that comes naturally in life (if you are so inclined) comes out in Seinfeld.

Death, divorce; all kinds of tragedy can be funny.

It’s terrific. That selfish arsehole deep inside you.

Seinfeld will bring that out (onscreen). Sure, there are tons of other good and humorous shows out there, but they all end up being too sentimental.

For every great show, I can guarantee Seinfeld’s worst season is better than any of their bests.

A good way to gauge whether a potential new friend is worthy of your (precious) time or not is to ask them if they like Seinfeld. If they say no, your immediate reaction should be to WALK AWAY. Do not look back. If they say they have not seen it, you, yes you! Have the opportunity to open their minds to so much future joy.

If you begin to watch Seinfeld now, you too can be part of the jokes. Ever heard people reference the Soup Nazi? Hellooo Newman? Festivus? The Manzier? Body butter? Once watching Seinfeld, you too will be able to partake in these jokes.

The show is a melting pot for future (now current, sometimes past) stars. Before you saw Bryan Cranston on Malcolm in the Middle as Hal and WAY before you saw him as that guy with cancer who starts making meth on Breaking Bad, he was on Seinfeld. Yeah, that’s right (a Puddy joke from Seinfeld that you will get very soon) in a recurring role as a dentist named Dr Tim Whatley. In another moment of better-thanFriends triumph, Courteney Cox also featured as Jerry’s girlfriend/fake wife in an episode.

You learn many life lessons: 1) It is always important to have a local café to meet with friends; 2) Everyone is just as selfish as everyone else; 3) If you can find the humour, you are doing something right; 4) Don’t trust a mailman (this hasn’t been proved).

It is widely accepted knowledge that TV-show reunions are usually a disappointment. Not with Seinfeld. Larry David has a show (that is nearly as amazing as Seinfeld) called Curb Your Enthusiasm where he plays a fictionalised version of himself.

The version of himself in that show organised a Seinfeld reunion. It was meta. This served as a way to satisfy the Seinfeld fan, without disappointing them. Great!

While writing this, I typed into Google “seinfeld is the best show ever”—the results concluded I was correct. That was a recommended Google search. I did a quick survey around the office, asking whether Seinfeld was indeed the best show ever. Of all the people asked (of which there were many), all the respondents who had seen the show agreed that it was the Best Show Ever.

Conclusive proof. There is no better show. Sure, humour is subjective and truth is relative. Not here. Not when Seinfeld is involved.

Caution: It's always a bad idea to start watching a new show around this time of year with exams and assignments looming. You have been warned. Actually f that start watching it, procrastination is inevitable. Seinfeld is great choice.

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 ARTS

visual arts 

Abuse of Power Comes as No Refrigerator Do ARTICLE

Simon Gennard

Surprise, surprise, something weird happened on the internet last week. Or rather, a weird internet thing that had been happening for 1259 days came to a pretty unceremonious conclusion.

On 24 September, it was revealed that two particularly enigmatic internet presences, Horse_ ebooks and Pronunciation Book, were part of a long-running performance art piece.

Pronunciation Book began posting videos to YouTube in 2010, ostensibly as an English pronunciation guide for non-native speakers.

Initially, the videos appeared innocuous and well-intentioned, usually between ten and 30 seconds long; at times, words were specifically relevant to popular vernacular (“How to Pronounce Quvenzhane”, “How to Pronounce Niall Horan”), at times a more general spread.

Three months ago, Pronunciation Book began a series of ominous countdown videos. Starting with a promise of, “something is going to happen in 77 days”, the videos grew progressively longer, featuring cryptic passages, at times forming an oblique narrative—day 34 features a narrator listing “objects that [he] had moved with [his] hands that day”.

ebooks (initially exclusively about horses), posted a phone number on the same day. The number was traced to an address in Manhattan, which was also listed in the video’s description. The address turned out to be Fitzroy Gallery in Manhattan’s Lower East Side. For 11 hours on 24 September, Jacob Bakkila, who operated Horse_ebooks, and Thomas Bender, the man behind Pronunciation Book, answered phones and spouted non-sequiturs followers of Horse_ ebooks had grown used to.

The internet was pissed. But sizable pockets of the internet were anticipating Pronunciation Book’s climax to be the announcement of a new season of Battlestar Galactica, so I have little sympathy for them.

Jacob Bakkila, who is also Buzzfeed’s creative director, acquired the Horse_ebooks account from Alexei Kuznetsov in 2011. Kuznetsov operated the feed using a spambot as a means of publicising products. Bakkila assures that after purchasing, he operated the account manually, impersonating the bot’s posting pattern by posting a new snippet roughly every two hours.

In an interview with Vice, he cites Jenny Holzer as an influence, and goes on to draw a comparison between himself and Sam Hsieh, a New York– based performance artist whose endurance pieces, lasting up to a year, featured the repetition of simple acts like punching a time clock, on the hour, every hour.

The man named Dalton, it turns out, is part of an interactive video project, a kind of choose-yourown-adventure story, which serves as the next stage of the project. The video is shot on cheap, antiquated equipment; a decision, the pair says, that acts as homage to the interactive CD-ROMs of the 1990s. The player takes on the role of financial regulator, and is tasked with reigning in Dalton from destroying the global economy, turning the work, according to Bakkila, into an exercise in mythologising the 2008 financial collapse.

Are you keeping up? Me neither.

For a work so meticulously executed, there seems something improvised about it. The work is so sprawling, and from the unlikeliest of sources, that the reaction from anyone other than the aforementioned angry internet-dudes is something closer to incredulity. It should, however, be remembered that Horse_ebooks’ unintentionally philosophical jabbering appealed to a corner of the internet who ardently refuse to be taken seriously. Thus, the sense of indignation about being asked to consider a work of art by the creative director of Buzzfeed, a website whose irreverent, easily digestible, GIF-laden lists are considered a shining example of our evershrinking attention spans. Granted, I probably could have called this article 15 Reasons Not to Take Jason Bakkila Seriously and you may have enjoyed yourself more.

The internet thus did what it does best, espousing wild conspiracy theories, dissecting every second of every video posted during the last three years. Someone put the high-pitched noise that appeared at the end of each video through a spectrogram, which revealed an image of a suited, headless man pointing towards the viewer.

Beyond that, however, no one came close to figuring it out.

On the day of revelation, Pronunciation Book posted a video explaining how to pronounce Horse_books, followed by a woman speaking directly to camera, who introduces a “man named Dalton”.

“Dalton is dangerous. He is rich, he is strong, and he is going to crash the stock markets."

We’ll come back to Dalton.

Horse_ebooks, which since 2009 has posted contextless half-sentence excerpts from obscure

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ARTS 

theatre 

I Betty Ya Didn’t Know This About Colonial New Zealand

review

Written by Hamish Russell, directed by Daniel Pengally Review by Rose Cann

This production was joyous. We follow Betty, a cockney household servant falsely accused of the murder of her masters, along the journey of her transportation, all the way to Australia. She then hijacks a boat to plough on to New Zealand, and then back again, and then back again.

Regarding historical accuracy, the play was a sham, but that took nothing away from the delightful interplay of the four actors onstage

Exit Downstage

ARTICLE

Gabrielle Beran.

I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that theatre company Downstage, which operated out of the Hannah Playhouse (which is named after Hannahs shoes FYI), has had to close its curtains.

“Woe is me,” goes the Wellington media and theatre community.

Meh. It’s not that I didn’t see some amazing works of theatre there—among others, Eli Kent’s The Infinite Art of Actually Caring blew my mind— it’s just that Downstage, like so many deceased theatre ventures in New Zealand, had a big hand in digging its own grave.

(William Duignan, Andrew Paterson, Phoebe Hurst and Jacquie Fee) as they changed character and accent (although perhaps unintentionally). They did some great physical work, and even shadow play, which made the portrayal of stabbings, society drinks and sneaky make-out sessions all the more hilarious.

Under the direction of Daniel Pengelly, this incredibly strong cast carried the play through, with delightful ad-libbing such as: “It’s alright we’ve broken the fourth wall we can all get on with it now,” and engaging the woman next to me with, “You look comfortable, good on ya.” There was delightful interaction between actors, as they deliberately tipped more than the required amount of water on each other to show sea spray, or cut each others solos short, all with hearty grins. Extensive corpsing from

they’ll bring money in the door. You are so much more likely to go to a show that your friend says is amazing than because Laurie Atkinson at the Dom Post thinks so.

How do you get these mysterious arty bottoms on hard, scratchy seats? You lower the price. Or at least price appropriately. The problem with Downstage’s offerings is that they were new and exciting, perhaps too new for the older, moneyedup honeys who like to meander round to Circa, and yet the people who should have been going (i.e people like us) are not going to pay $25 for a risk. We can go to BATS for $12, so if it’s crap we

Hurst did little to break this magic either, but added to the joy of the actors’ interactions.

The beautiful set was versatile, clever, and smoothly transitioned from shadow screens into the courthouse, prison, palace and boat. The music, although largely borrowed from other great musicals, had original, charming lyrics, my personal favourite being the very inspiring ‘Life could always be worse’. These songs, wonderfully delivered by strong, distinct voices, wove the narrative with high points of joy and camaraderie.

Overall, this was a great example of confident, powerful actors working with great gusto and a brilliant sense of excitement and fun on a wonderful script. The clever set and endearing story were delightful, but the joy of the evening was wrapped up in the spirit of the show; bloody lovely.

can still get a beer and not feel like it’s an evening wasted. But asking for $25+ with no student discounts, early-bird tickets or previews? It is such simple maths: you can get two yo-pros to go = $50, or you can get me and three of my friends to go for say $15 each and then when we all tell three people how wonderful it was, your ticket sales and takings increase exponentially. Duh! Let’s hope the others can learn from Downstage’s mistakes—which weren’t just limited to ticketing—and keep the body of Wellington theatre breathing.

In 2011, there was a bit of a crisis in funding, but Wellington City Council stepped in and has propped it up since then, as well as the Creative New Zealand funding and independent fundraising. However, the news that Creative New Zealand will no longer be giving $325,000 a year to Downstage, combined with low ticket sales, meant that it was no longer sustainable.

What the Wellington theatrical scene hasn’t seemed to grasp is this simple concept: without bums on seats, you don’t have a show. You need full houses, not only to bring money in the door, but to get people to spread the word so that

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 ARTS

music 

LORDE: PURE HEROINE

review

Elise Munden

Longevity is an excellent marker of value. This reasoning can be applied to literature, cinema, sexual performance, and most certainly music. In other words, when I hear an album for the first time, I try and hypothesise whether I’ll still be listening to it in a month, year, decade. Lorde’s EP The Love Club EP certainly met this high standard. I still listen to and thoroughly enjoy its youthfulness and angst. Unfortunately, her first attempt at a full-length album hasn’t matched the initial hype of the now-global artist.

The most obvious ‘problem’ with the album is that Lorde seems to be suffering from an identity crisis. Since the fantastic success of her single ‘Royals,’ her musical style now seems to straddle reflective indie singer-songwriter and international pop princess. The simple structure of her songs, relatable lyrics and bassy tones make the album extremely ‘easy’ to listen to; clearly the aim of her record label Universal, who undoubtedly have their sights set on the top iTunes spot. But the simplicity of the album necessitates a lack of risk-taking, ambition and originality.

So how does this actually play out in the music?

‘Glory and Gore’ serves as the darkest track on Pure Heroine. But the great potential of the song to depart from her sweet-sixteen image is lost amidst a verse and chorus which sound exactly the same as one another. This lack of variation speaks for the entire album; it teases the listener into thinking that something shocking and emotional is coming, but never quite achieves its own ambitions.

being their sincerity. The majority of Lorde’s lyrics (if she even writes any of them herself ?) seem obsessed with her age; the new experiences she is having, and the nervous anxiety of being a teenager living in the ‘burbs of sprawling Auckland. Basically, she is trying way too hard to appear as a disenfranchised youth who never really fit in at school and just wants to get drunk and be loved. But these select songs instantly transplant the listener straight into summer, happiness, frivolity, late nights driving in cars with boys. All of the things that her young audience loves.

However, there are still another four songs on the album that I haven’t even bothered to mention.

Which describes what I thought of them pretty accurately, actually.

I grew up, like Lorde did, in the North Shore.

The North Shore, to the uninitiated, is less a city than a sprawling collection of suburbs; safe, secure, and—if you’re a restless teen—painfully dull. I know what it’s like to put your book/ homework down on a dreary and drizzly Sunday afternoon and look at the intoxicating lights of Auckland city and lose yourself in the allure, the tantalising promise of excitement and glamour you can scarcely imagine. Your friends and family are great, of course, and you love them, but when you’re irresolute and young and naïve and filled with wanderlust you inevitably end up turning to your imagination.

Philip McSweeney

This, I suspect, is what Lorde did, and, combined with her tremendous creativity and pop nous, she managed to distil that heady phenomenon into a strong ten-track album that delivers pop hit after pop hit amidst feelings of self-doubt, falsified parties, a yearning for razzle-dazzle, but above everything else: that immutable sensation that somewhere people are having more fun than you, living more fulfilling lives than you. The lyrics, though, are astonishingly self-aware for all that— there’s an element of detachment here, helped by vocal overlays and sardonic delivery, that suggests a knowingness that belies her years—and a poignancy. “I’ll let you in on something big—I’m not a white-teeth teen / I tried to join / but I never did”.

In Terrance Malick’s Badlands, the film concludes with a gorgeous shot that wanders through the clouds. Many reviewers, upon seeing this ethereal scene, have concluded that it is a clue that the entire film was actually just a dream—or, more specifically, the fabrication of a bored, lonely teenage girl with an overactive imagination.

I don’t presume to know Lorde at all, or where she’s coming from, but I will say that Pure Heroine resonates with me in a specific (now nostalgic) kind of way. Her promise has been stated endlessly, but I’ll reiterate it; if she’s managed to distil this period of her life with such candour, such acuity, there will be some gems to come.

She’s got one under her belt already.

While I wish Lorde all the luck in the world, and definitely suspect that her music will be featured in an American TV show very soon, I am still underwhelmed and bored with the majority of this record.

H8rs gon h8.

2.9/5

COUNTERPOINT

Another attempt to dirty up Lorde’s image (in the grunge-rock way, not the sexual way. Sheesh, don’t you know she’s only 16?) can be heard in the opening track ‘Tennis Court’. The deep, warped voice that intermittently bellows “Yeah!” during the chorus should have the effect of intensifying the song, but all it does is irritate me.

SO. MUCH. But don’t worry, Kiwi music fans, it ain’t all bad.

‘Royals’ is still a damn good pop song, one of the best from this year I would argue. ‘400 Lux’, ‘Ribs’ and ‘Team’ also have a lot to offer the album; the common factor between these songs

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ARTS 

BOOKS 

What's on Film:

Max Gate, by Damien Wilkins

review

Alexandra Hollis

Novelist Thomas Hardy is dying. Upstairs, the dog—Wessex—is sleeping outside his door, holding vigil for his master. Downstairs, his friends, museum curator Sydney Cockerell and Peter Pan’s J. M. Barrie; family, his second wife Florence Hardy, his brother, sister, and sister-inlaw, and servants gather, to wait out his last day.

Outside the gate, Alex Peters, local journalist, lingers, waiting for the scoop.

We encounter Max Gate—Thomas Hardy’s Dorset home—through the eyes of Nellie Titterington, one of two maids of the house. The bulk of the novel covers just a few days: Hardy’s death and its immediate aftermath, although there are glimpses into the past and future. The household is in a state of flux; everyone is simply waiting for Hardy to die, and this comes through in the writing. We’re stuck at Max Gate, but this is a good and useful thing.

Perhaps reflecting Hardy’s long life (he was 88 when he died) and his strange bridging of the Victorian and Modernist eras, there is an interesting use of time throughout the novel. We move seamlessly from past to present (or vice versa), sometimes within the same scene. Nellie has two points in time—the day of Hardy’s death and a more contemporary date—in which she speaks in present tense, but Hardy’s death is also sometimes referred to in past tense.

There is a strange mixing between reflective and forward-looking tones; occasionally, the characters ruminate on Hardy’s past,

occasionally on their own futures without him, and occasionally Nellie, from the present, reflects on the past, or talks from the past with an awareness of her own future. This gives a sense of the novel being out of time, which is interesting considering that the novel’s preoccupation—death—is so inherently a fixed moment in time. It seems, though, that outside of the moment of Hardy’s death, time is amorphous, and the constant anticipation of and reflection on this event serve to magnify this moment’s importance, bringing it far out of the one day which constitutes much of the novel's scope.

Which is indicative of Hardy’s position in the novel. His influence is hard to ignore, and yet he is strangely absent. While most, if not all, of the conversations centre around him, Hardy himself is relegated to just a dying figure in the upstairs bedroom. There are constant discussions—mostly between Florence, Barrie and Cockrell—about his work and legacy, but the academic tone which is often employed makes it seem like he’s already dead. In this way, Wilkins brings in questions and worries about the artistic legacy, deftly exploring the public/private divide in every writer’s life.

The novel works by parataxis; there is an almost poetic movement from one scene or image to another, with little indication of why. We are given fragments of moments, arrive in medias res, and snatches of dialogue are reported as if distantly overheard. It’s utterly beautiful and, especially given the prevalence of natural imagery, feels appropriate to Hardy’s legacy.

On 10 and 11 October, the Film Archive (84 Taranaki St, Wellington) will screen The Insatiable Moon (2010) for Mental Health Awareness Week.]

This film proves that sometimes magic happens in the most unlikely of places.

Aucklander Arthur (Rawiri Paratene) claims to be the second son of God. The rest of the world calls him mad. But he knows who he is, and gets on with the work he needs to do.

The Insatiable Moon is based on a 2007 novel by Mike Riddell. The author’s wife, Rosemary Riddell, directed the film.

Books: City Gallery One Human in Height: Rachel O’Neill – publication launch Friday 11 October, 5.30 pm, Free entry

Music: Rip It Up has returned to being a free magazine, available monthly in conjunction with Groove Guide. An important mechanism in the local music machine!

Flume, Friday 11th, Trentham Racecourse, $59.

Mouseketeers covers night (Britney, JT, Christina Aguilera) Friday 11th, Puppies, $10. 100-per-cent guaranteed to be off the shizzam. BE THERE. Plus new Race Banyon EP New Danny Brown album, Old New Dismemberment Plan album, Uncanney Valley

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Advocacy Service  ARTS

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

I’ve been accused of plagiarism.

My assessment has been marked unfairly.

I’ve been told I failed and cannot continue my course.

FREE professional support, advice and information for students ! y a d o t e t a c o v d A ’s Contact VUWSA Kelburn udent Union Building, St 2, l ve Le , on ti ep ec R Visit: VUWSA Campus Email: advocate@vuwsa

.org.nz

5 6214 (or text) 04 1 02 or , 84 69 3 46 4) Phone: (0 www.vuwsa.org.nz t: si vi n io at rm fo in e For mor

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PUZZLES 

PUZZLES

va rie ty pu zz le s & CR OSSWO RD by pu ck — AN SW ERS NE XT ISSUE

'CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR' - DIFFICULTY: hard 45. Day for Pancake Day, for short 48. Scrapes together 50. Richard Maclaurin’s middle name (it’s on his portrait in MC) 53. It’s exchanged for tat, in a saying 54. __ Andreas (‘GTA’ city) 56. Military finance item that Captain America advertises for 57. Dave Dobbyn song with a horrible drinking game 59. Captain’s recordings 60. What 18-, 30-, 38- and 50-Across might be symptoms of 64. Tour group leader 67. ‘Shrek’ actress Cameron 68. James ___ Jones 69. Puts in poker chips, maybe 70. Eye sore?

71. Response to a sleazebag, maybe 72. Band that regrouped this year at the MTV VMAs

ACROSS 1. Syrian lake or presidential family 6. Walk unevenly 10. ___ Nui (Easter Island) 14. Be insufficient 15. Little on ‘The Wire’ 16. Middle East airline 17. Golfing attire 18. 2008 Kings of Leon song 20. Swallow’s home 22. Shakespeare’s Andronicus 23. Halted, as a disaster 26. Word in the name of many

8-Down games, followed by ‘City’ or ‘Copter’ 27. Uses fbchat, maybe (abbr.)

30. Smokes weed in an enclosed space 32. It might be for fire or a gun 34. Matronic of the Scissor Sisters 35. Miniature water buffalo often found in crosswords 37. Return, as a favour 38. Elvis’ last top-10 single, in 1972 42. One of Bart’s aunts 44. Location for grain or missiles

DOWN 1. Director Lee 2. Earth’s star 3. Location of five commandments 4. ‘Slowly’, for example 5. Acts upon 6. Word in many Californian city names 7. “___ a man with seven wives” 8. See 26-Across 9. It often precedes sarcastic advice, in memes 10. Rugby officials, for short 11. He lit the Olympic flame in 1996 12. Golfing standard 13. Medieval tavern drink

19. Uno, dos, or tres 21. George W. Bush, for one 23. “I see what you did!”

24. Preceder of Trapp or Dutch 25. Actor/comedian Leary 27. Spontaneity 28. ‘Paper Planes’ rapper 29. Pigpen 31. Famed hedgehog 33. Gun an engine 36. Emitting light 39. Frequent collaborator with Quentin 40. Kidnap money 41. Like some anaesthetic 42. ‘__ Pepper’ (Beatles album, commonly) 43. Inventor Whitney 46. Receptacle for some ashes 47. Bring to completion 49. Agree to 51. Lizard-like creature in ‘Mass Effect’ 52. ‘Red Ryder’ weapons 55. Tennis star Rafael 57. Loll (around) 58. Old Italian currency 60. JB Hi-Fi purchases, maybe 61. 71-Across, for example 62. Recline 63. Swiss mountain 65. Man cave, in the states 66. It’s next to F1

QUIZ 1. What role has David Shearer been given in new Labour leader David Cunliffe’s shadow cabinet?

the Nobel Prize for Literature.

2. Who was the first New Zealand artist to have a song reach number one on the US Billboard Hot 100 list?

7. Kikkoman is a famous brand of which condiment?

3. Britain, France, the US, China and which other country are permanent members of the UN Security Council?

4. Who was the first English Premier League manager to be fired this season?

5. True or false: Vladimir Nabokov never won

6. How many different countries does the Mekong River pass through?

8. Where are the sisters who won WOW's top prize from?

9. Internet entrepreneur Kim Dotcom is backing a bid by which company to bring cheaper broadband to New Zealand?

10. Who is the writer, director and star of the film Don Jon?

Answers: 1. Foreign-affairs spokesperson. 2. Lorde. 3. Russia. 4. Paolo di Canio (by Sunderland). 5. True. 6. Six (China, Myanmar, Laos, Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam). 7. Soy sauce. 8. Christchurch. 9. Orcon. 10. Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

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ve u' me z yo ga g.n w r r no you t.o do et ien o G l a t t e? ha g t s w pa e a d s le hi lin zz d t on Pu e y ish pla fin nd a on

?

 PUZZLES

TARGET

n t o

p i i w v e

Target rating guide: 0-15 words: do you even go here?

16-25 words: alright 26-35 words: decent 36-50 words: PRO 80+ words: free drink

scoping out

Difficulty: Hard

Each of the phrases below is related – they all contain a member of a set, minus one letter.

For example, if the set was ‘Presidents’, you could find Obama (minus his O) at the end of the word ‘Alabama’, or Nixon (minus his X) inside ‘Dominions’. To make this harder, I’m not telling you what the set below is, but I will say that each member of the set is at least four letters long. If you’re a star player and can figure out what the nine members of the set are, taking the missing letter from each one will tell you what the name of the set is.

NATIONAL AQUARIUM STEGOSAURUS CALIBRE VIGOROUS ARIEL NEWS CORPORATION FEMININE RCA-CERTIFIED HERBS AND SPICES SOLUTION FOR LAST WEEK: puzzle 22: ‘Disemvowelling’. KIWI SONGS: ‘Sway’, Bic Runga; ‘Lydia’, Fur Patrol; ‘Victoria’, Dance Exponents; ‘Loyal’; Dave Dobbyn. LANDMARKS: Downstage Theatre; Mount Victoria; Old Government Building; Adam Art Gallery. MONARCHS: King George the Fifth; Harold Godwinson; Queen Elizabeth the Second; Queen Victoria. LAKES: Victoria and Africa; Superior and North America; Titicaca and South America; Vostok and Antarctica.

SUDOKU difficulty: easy

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difficulty: medium

difficulty: hard

51

LETTERS ď&#x20AC;Ş

letters win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge

HIGHSCHOOL MUSICOOL

1. In some places, like South Auckland, they are. The wider point though is that some of

After reading the analysis given, covering the

our citizens live in abject poverty, while we

question regarding the future of the Victoria

spend $36 million on a boat.

Broadcasting Club, I stand with the point of

2. The government does indeed fund the All

view that a wave good-bye to the VBC would

Blacks, through Sport NZ's National Sports

be a monumental mistake in terms of having

Organisations partnership. The wider point

students expressing themselves, especially

though is that it is not inconsistent for the

those from the Victoria crew. Look at the

government to fund sailing because they Dear Salient,

god-damn past Victoria! Your Students have

fund other sporting and cultural endeavours.

Re: John Horribleson.

been at the forefront of having a distinct

3. Yea, but the point is that we eventually did

I just saw on the Facebooks that 3 of

point-of-view being heard, discussed and

get coverage.

my friends like John Morrison for Mayor.

expressed by other peers and those whom

4. Last the rest of the country heard,

Although I give them the benefit of the doubt

could only be described as the "Authoritah"

they were indeed planning to hold the

(maybe they like his small and insignificant

(the bitches running the damn fiasco that

challenge here. Minister Steven Joyce had

sporting career) but if not, I am bothered.

provide yo' education).

commissioned a report into the viability of

Celia may be a pretty shit Mayor but at

Well, here are some suggestions so that the

the Cup being hosted at Auckland's Viaduct.

least she is pretty inoffensive. Like, who

VBC can fight back. Firstly, re-brand.

5. No, Core Builders Composites is not a

takes offense at Celia? I am offended at

- To attract marketers & advertisers, state

'subsidiary' of Oracle. It is an independent

Nicola Young's campaign purely because

how their product can effectively reach

company which provides composite materials

of her moronic 'Think Young, Vote Young!"

the students of Victoria University; for this,

for a range of industries, boating being one

slogan. Jack Yan also suffers from a bout of

knowing the people listening to the station is

of them. The wider point though was that

"standing next to crazy people makes me

important..

funding to sailing has resulted in NZ being

look sane" and that concerns me. So really,

- if funding is the probs, then make an

a world leader in the field, so much so that

my thoughts are, please do not vote Morrison

application to NZ on Air. They won't bite, just

overseas companies want to come over here

or Young, don't even rank them because their

decline; but you try again!

to give our citizens jobs. Yay!

Secondly, promote. Get the message out

letter of the week

S(HUT) T(HE) V(UCK) UP.

rankings still count.

there!

This message brought to you by the

"Bro, listen to this shiz, it's weird - but our

ambiguous orange figure from the Electoral

BLOODY LEGEND, M8

Commission.

Vote or I'll haunt your dreams.

THE OTHER YOUNG CONTRARIAN

Anyway possible, make students know that the VBC exist!

everyday. Bloody legend job when you have

I hope that whoever get's voted in as new

students walk down them all the time.

Student President will take these ideas

From someone who fucking appreciates

onboard, from a High School Kid, who will

cleanliness.

soon have a show on the VBC - Planet WTF with Corey Fuimaono // Saturdays // 12pm 2pm - which will be excellent.

contrarian section. Just a couple of points: - Mumps and rubella aren't prevalent in NZ

show them what real music is"

To that guy who mops the stairs in the hub

I read with interest the Letters from a young

- The government does not fund the All

uni pays for it... Fuck this, let's go to them &

SEEMS A TAD DRAMATIC THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Blacks

Dear Salient,

- The exposure in international news

Theatre, I think, is at it's evolve or die crux.

publications was abysmal up until Oracle

This roll may Ace as normal.

If I end up taking a helm, if I bother, I'm doing

started to claw black

Boolean functions like 1111 1010. I made his

to differentiate it from film as much as I can,

- Last I heard if we had won they were not

habitation the wilderness, and the salt land

that means immersion, touch, smell, no seats,

actually going to hold a challenge in NZ

his coverts.

beyond visual, proximity.

- The company that built Oracle's boat may

fun, games, prosthetics, other worlds.

be registered in NZ, but it is a subsiduary of

Maybe LARPing is the way of the way of the

Oracle Racing and owned by Larry Ellison

future : /

Apart from that you didn't say a huge

I'll try to make it cool.

amount and even that is probably wrong

Sincerely,

Chris

Dear Salient,

Thespy

Enclosed are instructions, to you and your

CAMâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s RESPONSE:

52

GO TO THE TOP OF THE CLASS

readers, on how to make friends instantly.

You: "How does an Elephant ask for a bun?"

>>> salient.org.nz

ď&#x20AC;Ş

nt k! me ? z in s th om .n g c er u tt yo an or . c Le at u nt h w yo lie ow ow sa kn kn at s u yo icle t id D n ar o

letters Friend to be: "...how?"

You: *hold your arm out against your nose like a trunk, flail your arm lazily upwards as

DON'T YOU KNOW,? NO ONE READS SALIENT

sometimes it just doesn't come off.

-Congratulations on all the ASPAs. Arseholes.

I blame the two-year rule.

you speak. /Speak in a sincere, low-voiced,

Dear Salient,

[^delete as appropriate on Monday]

northern-english accent*

You should make links from your favorite

Oh, and sorry about that guy who threatened

"Can I have a bun please?"

article(s) every week to your Facebook page.

to sue you. I know you pride yourself on your

:D)

The Civilian does it and they get mad views;

political correctness, so it must have come as

Popular as balls.

a shock when someone got angry about your

Regards,

content.

[Knowing hooded traveller.]

Love,

SHE STILL LOVES YOU VERY MUCH

The other good student magazine

Dear Salient,

GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, BOB

Why is mummy so interested in the americas cup? She never used to like boats.

WE'RE SURE HE'LL BE TITLE-ATED TO HEAR FROM YOU

Love from,

Dear Cam and Duncan,

Jamie

It is I, Robert Jones, former man about the

Sup Salient,

Salient office circa 1973. Congratulations

Can Jordan McCluskey stop referring to

on your recent appointment as next year's

himself with silly titles on Facebook. It's

editors. Despite your excellent candidacy

vainglorious.

(male, straight and no tattoos, Bob

Humble flan

STILL WAITING TO GO DIGITAL

approves), you are young, which clearly means you'll make a terrible magazine. Unless

Dear Salient, The mayoral elections made for some great light entertainment.

For Salient TV, you should put footage of the conflict highlights over like, a cheeky xylophone backing track, like in reality shows.

Yours, Snooky

a wiser hand guides it, that is, and to that end I'm going to provide you some advice. Feel free to pass this along to your contributors.

1) Stop reviewing theatre (unless it's about sports and it's at Circa). Replace this space with a column about boxing.

2) Less about the One Direction Movie, please. Someone tell the author to "grow up,

ALL QUIET ON THE BACK BENCH

girl". Replace this with boxing cartoons.

3) Don't be above victim blaming. To do otherwise is self-censorship and namby pamby.

Dear Salient,

4) Pictures of boxing.

Bums.

Kind regards,

Trevor

Robert Jones

OUTTA SIGHT MAN!!!!!!!

HI BOOS IT'S LAURA (#LAURA4PREZ) THE OTHER DAY MY CAT VOMITED UNDER OUR KITCHEN TABLE AND I SAW IT AND THEN WENT BACK TO BED AND LEFT IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DEAL WITH. DOES THIS MAKE ME A BAD PERSON? PLEASE WRITE BACK SOON XOXO X INFINITY - YOU KNOW WHO (FUCKEN PREPS) P.S. DID YOU KNOW BABY PLATYPUSES ARE CALLED PUGGLES?? AMAZING!!!!!!

HA, GAAAAAAY Dear Salient Why do people get so offended about the

SO LONG SHITIC... IT'S BEEN SUCH FUN

pete just blue himself

the use of the word 'gay'?

Dear Craccum, or whatever the fuck you are,

Katy Perry once recorded a song called

As we send our final issue to print, let

'You're so Gay'.

us reminisce on the high points of 2013.

Which sounds homophobic; but of course

We all really loved your magazine this

she's using the other, fashionable version of

year, particularly your Sudoku and your

the word, meaning anything generally bad.

impenetrable, niche analyses of student

Regards,

Anyone who thinks that sounds offensive

governance. (Our uni still has a higher voter

NZUASSA

should just jew off and stop being so bloody

turnout than yours, by the way. Hot button

black about it.

issues and sexually suggestive videos FTW.)

Yours,

-Sorry for winning all the ASPAs this year.

Simon Amstell

I know you guys tried really hard, but

salient.org.nz <<<

Dear Students You've made a huge mistake.

53



ou H r n av at ew e y sa c ou li am no en pu t t.o s c iced rg ale .n nd z? ar notices 

NOTICES

CAREERS AND JOBS Details on CareerHub: www.careerhub.victoria. ac.nz Applications closing soon: Organisations Closing Fisher & Paykel Oct 9 Auckland Council Quest Integrity NZL Oct 10 Department of Conservation New Zealand Superannuation Fund Milmeq Oct 11 Auckland Council RML Automation Vista Entertainment Solutions eCoast Ministry for Primary Industries MEA Mobile Oct 12 Allen + Clarke Policy & Regulatory Oct 13 Specialists Oct 14 BigEars Oct 15 Asia New Zealand Foundation (Japan) Oct 17 4RF ThunderMaps Oct 18 Careers Seminar Contracting a valuable career choice?

How? Why? When?

Oct 9

International Buddy Programme applications for Trimester 1, 2014 are now open!

Volunteer to help a new international student settle into Vic and Wellington life, while also engaging with other local and international students on campus!  Build international friendships!  Attend IBP Events!  Earn VILP and VPA Points!

For more information about IBP and to register, please visit our website: www. victoria.ac.nz/international/buddy VicIDS AGM Monday 7 October, 5.15 pm, CO304 We're looking for people with a passion for global social justice to join the team! Come along and put your hand up for a role in the running of the Victoria International Development Society in 2014. Positions available include President/Vice-President or Co-President, Secretary, Treasurer, Promotions Officer and general committee member. We will also provide an update of our activities, including our Fair Trade my Vic campaign progress. Snacks, Fairtrade tea, coffee and chocolate provided!

Vic OE – Student Exchange Programme – Next application deadline 16 January!

Earn Vic credit, get StudyLink and grants, explore the world! The best university experience!

Application deadline for Tri 2, 2014 exchanges – 16 January! (UC 28 Nov)

work and enjoy life as part of the community.

A requirement of this position is a full NZ driver’s licence and completion of a police check. Applicants must have NZ residency or a valid NZ Work Permit.

Direct enquiries to Venessa Dodge on 04 463 2471. To apply for this position and view a Job description, please visit our website: www.ideajobs.co.nz.

Closing date: 31 October 2013.

APPLY TO BE PART OF THE COMMERCE STUDENT COUNCIL FOR 2014 - Are you a Commerce student?

- Want to improve your (and your classmates’) student experience?

Apply to be a part of the Faculty of Commerce Student Council for 2014!

Apply at the FREE sausage sizzle on Wednesday 9 October (date TBC through Facebook) outside Rutherford House, or email commercestudentcouncil@gmail.com.

Applications close 5 pm, Friday 11 October 2013.

Movie Night!

This Thursday, you should come watch 8 (Italy, 1963), an avant-garde comedy drama about an Italian movie director suffering from director’s block, a semi-autobiography of 8 director, Federico Fellini. The film delves into the director’s memories and fantasies, crafting a fascinating psychological portrait.

8 won the foreign language Oscar, Grand Prize at the Moscow Film Festival, and continues to kick arse until this very day.

We’ll also be holding our AGM, with pizza, prizes for members, and your opportunity to pick next week’s screening. Memorial Theatre, Student Union BuildingThursday 10 October, 6.30 pm $2 entry Dionysiac Dionysiac presents Macbeth. This new production will leave you shivering as you see the agents of darkness use two souls for their own amusement…

Edited and Directed by Neal Barber.

Being staged at Memorial Theatre, Kelburn Campus, October 2013: 6th, 2pm, $5 unwaged, $10 waged; 7th, 7pm, $12 unwaged, $17 waged; 8th & 9th, 8pm, $12 unwaged, $17 waged. Tickets may be booked by emailing dionysiacnz@gmail. com.

SOUP FOR THE SOUL! As part of Mental Health Awareness Week, Can Do, VUWSA, and Disability Services are giving away free soup and bread at the courtyard outside the Hub on Thursday 10 October. Come and connect with us from 12–2 pm! There will be music by The Lucid Effect, and a cool activity going on too. See you there!

Notices Policy: Salient provides a free notice

Community Support Workers wellington & Hutt Valley IDEA Services has full- and part-time positions available, across Wellington and the Hutt Valley. We support people with an intellectual disability so that they can live,

54

service for all VIctoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs not-for-profit organisations. Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words. For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to editor@salient.org. nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

COUNCIL ELECTIONS 2013— CALL FOR NOMINATIONS ELECTION OF ONE MEMBER OF THE UNIVERSITY COUNCIL BY THE STUDENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY

The term of office of one student member of Council (David Alsop) expires on 31 December 2013.

Nominations are invited to fill this vacancy from 1 January 2014 for a term of one year.

Nominations, which must have the consent of the nominee, close with the Returning Officer at 5.00pm on Wednesday 9 October 2013. A nominee must be a person who is or has been a student at Victoria University.

All students are eligible to make nominations and vote in the election. For election purposes, a student is any person currently enrolled in a personal course of study at Victoria University or a person who is studying at the University under an exchange agreement with another institution.

Given the short time available to run this election, it will not adhere strictly to the timeframes in the Council Election Statute. However, all other aspects of that Statute will apply.

NOMINATION FORMS Copies of the nomination form and the information sheet to be completed by the candidates are available on the University website, from Reception in the Hunter Building, or by contacting the Returning Officer.

CLOSING OF THE STUDENT ROLL The Student Roll will close at 5.00pm on Thursday 10 October 2013.

DATE OF ELECTION If the number of nominations exceeds the number of vacancies, an election will be held on Friday 18 October 2013, with the polls closing at 5.00pm. Candidates will be elected by the single transferable vote method.

Voting documents will be sent to students at their preferred University email addresses.

Caroline Ward Secretary to Council and Returning Officer Victoria University of Wellington PO Box 600, Wellington Caroline.ward@vuw.ac.nz (04) 463 5196 >>> salient.org.nz



t en r .nz ud o g st FM r ur .3 t.o yo 88 ien to n! l in atio sa ne st at Tu dio line ra on am re st

VBC

Missed out on getting a show? Spaces ARE NOW AVALIABLE; get in touch with MUSICDIRECTOR.vbc@GMAIL.COM

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mon

tues

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Fill Me!

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Chloe

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PRE-LOAD w/ Matt &

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GIG GUIDE mon 7

tues 8

weds 9

thurs 10

Happy Monday!

2 for 1 Pizzas

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fri 11

sat 12

Beat Mob DJing, free sausage sizzle

Mighty Quiz 6:30pm

mighty mighty

Dimestore Skanks & DJ Skaman

Flesh D-VIce, Vas Deferens & Die Glocke

GRRLFRIENDZ (album release)

Disparo

Mountaineater

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Wednesday night free show!

san francisco bathhouse

Social Media Club

RCRD Quiz

bodega meow cafe puppies the southern cross salient.org.nz <<<

Big Trouble

Latin Club 8:30pm (free!)

The JAM (free!)

Britney/Justin/ Christina, Mousketeers @ Puppies... Covers Night.

The WGTN City Shake em downers

55

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finishe this we s ek

!