Body | Issue 06

vol.77 issue.06

the body issue

contents weekly content 4. Letters 6. News 17. VUWSA 36. Arts 43. Odds and Ends

columns 1 4 . R a m b l i n g s o f a Fa l l e n H a c k 1 5 . Th e I n t r e p i d V C G u i l f o r d 1 6 . B e i n g We l l 1 6 . M āo r i M at t e r s 30. Sports Banter with Sammy P 3 1 . Th e S w e e t S c o o p 31. Conspiracy Corner 32. Shirt and Sweet with Eleanor Merton 3 3 . Th e B o n e Z o n e w i t h C u p i e H o o d w i n k 3 4 . H i s t o r y Th a t H a s n ’ t H a p p e n e d Y e t 3 4 . We i r d I n t e r n e t S h i t

features 18. XL XO 20. Smokers are Jokers 26. Biting Back 2 8 . We i g h i n g I n

creative 2 3 . t w e n t y - t w e lv e b y H e n ry C o o k e

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the body issue

Cam is insecure about how hairy he is and the gap in his teeth and the size of his dick. Duncan obsesses over his acne scars, his propensity to blush, and his gawkish lankiness.

S

ociety is shit – it’s always telling us to be more perfect. Worse though, it’s always changing the definition of what ‘perfection’ is – be thinner, be more curvy, do what you want, do what other people want you to do, be yourself, don’t be yourself if you’re a dick. There will always be people who objectify and fetishise the ‘perfect’ body. This is depressing to say the least.

But spending all our energy on complaining about social narratives is futile. There is very little we can do individually to change societal views. We can’t control what people are and are not attracted to, or what the make-up company’s ad campaign will be like. But there are two things we can do: we can change our own views about the way we feel about our bodies, and we can change our bodies themselves. Don’t eat healthily and exercise because society tells you to. Do it because you want to. Or don’t.

Don’t be sad about being fat because society tells you to; be sad because you don’t want to be fat. Or don’t. Whatever you do, own it. It’s your body, and it’s the only thing you have complete and full control over. Tell society to go fuck itself and be proud of your curves. If you want.

We know it’s not that simple. Obviously if you eat fewer calories than you burn then you will lose weight. Obviously if you quit smoking you will live longer. Obviously it’s bad for your health to purge after every meal. We know these things. And yet we still make choices that are bad for our bodies.

Sometimes we want to rock our bodies and be loud and proud, but we can’t because no one stocks beautiful clothes in our size.

Alexandra Hollis looks at the fashion industry’s obsession with size zero. She investigates a cool campaign run by a bunch of young Wellingtonians to help address this problem.

It’s hard to love our bodies. We’re all a bit insecure about our look. We didn’t get to choose it – we were just born with a mix of our parents’ genes. We can change it, but only to an extent – we can lose a bit of weight, but we can’t get rid of our freckles. Apart from superficial changes, we are stuck in the body we are born in. We spend so much time with it that we exaggerate all the imperfections. We spend all our life looking out at other people’s bodies, and it’s impossible not to compare ours to theirs.

But this is a bad obsession. Our body is just one part of us, and usually not even the most important one. We can’t control that much about our body. We can’t control what society thinks about our body. So we shouldn’t let what society thinks control our bodies.

L ove ,

Du ncan & Cam

Sometimes it’s because we have conflicting wants – we have a long-term desire to lose weight, but a short-term craving for a chocolate bar. If we refrain from eating the Snickers, we’re not going to shed a couple of kilos right there on the spot. If we do eat it, it’s not like we’re going to put on kilos either. So what the fuck are we supposed to do? In his piece ‘Weighing In’, Andrew Mahoney does a good job of explaining the complexities of obesity and its causes.

Sometimes it’s because our mental functions don’t allow us to accept our bodies. Charlie Wilkinson has written us a sobering inside-view of the real problem of anorexia facing too many young New Zealanders. 95 per cent of anorexia sufferers are aged 12–25. Only ten per cent of people suffering from eating disorders will seek professional help. For Charlie, seeking and receiving support from her family and friends were crucial for dealing with her illness.

editor@salient.org.nz

3

LETTER of the

WEEK Dear Salient In your previous issue you failed to report that there was not enough pizza to go around at the VUWSA general meeting and that some left hungry. This has the potential to reduce the drawing power of free food and therefore cause the collapse of student democracy as we know it.

Why? Because of the dominos effect. Once one group fails to fully provide food they promised, other groups will feel free to do so too. Students will feel sick to their stomachs from being misled.

This will reduce their appetite for participation.

Please help hold VUWSA and other groups accountable to their promises (especially where food is concerned).

Regards from The mouths of the famished P.S Why was there a ginger cat on the pizza in some of the advertising? Is that a valid choice of topping now?

W I N F R EE C OFFEE Are you angry, elated or apathetic about Salient?

Send us a letter of less than 250 words to editor@salient.org.nz. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number. These will not be printed.

Letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar. The Editors reserve the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters. The letter of the week wins a coffee from Vic Books.

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the body issue

L E T T ER S DEAR WALL CALENDAR Dear Salient, What the hell is VUWSA up to? They’ve replaced diaries with shitty wall calendars (yeah, I’m totally going to pull that out in a lecture) and now they’ve apparently canned free flu shots – not that they replied to my email a week ago asking about it, maybe they’ve given up on that too? Thanks for cutting out the stuff that 90% of students actually use!

Since Salient provides more to my well being than my student union, perhaps I should allocate all the money to them in this budget simulator being shoved down our throats? Apparently that would lead to “Other online channes developed”.

Regards, Sonya Clark detractor

YOU SAY TOMATO, I SAY MISLEADING Dear Salient I was opening up a can of Watties tomato soup on Friday afternoon (on special this week so ideal for a student budget) and as I was heating it, I was reading the details on the can. It states that this can provides 4 servings of vegetables. Fair enough but tomatoes are actually fruit so the label is misleading! Also has anyone seen the large tabby coloured cat who used to greet the students at the bottom of Kelburn Parade near the pedestrian crossing? I understand his name is ‘Horse’ but this might not be his proper name! He is very friendly and loves people and a good chin rub. He may live at one of the houses near by and cars used to stop for him at the crossing so he could cross safely! Good boy!

Signed Tomato Power.

CITATION NOT NEEDED Hey Duncan, I was trying to ‘place’ Salient and I seem to keep returning to this same thought: “There is a good deal of the undergraduate in these writings.” (Monte Holcroft (1940) The Deepening Stream (Italicise the title) p 75. Of course this needs to be read in conjunction with: “Look hard at nature.

It is in the nature of things to look, and look back, harder.” (Allen Curnow (1988) “There is a Pleasure in the Pathless Woods” in Continuum (Italicise the title) p 221.

Here’s lookin at you kids!

Piece, Love and EVERYTHING in between(s)

WHAT ON EARTH IS HUMAN GEOGRAPHY? Dear Salient.

I would like to congratulate you on an excellent issue; “Liberation not equality” 77/5. I think it is one of the best written and most relevant I have seen in my 13 years of working here. In fact, I have noted the ability of the current editorial team to capture and reflect sensitively upon serious matters without losing any of the irreverent spark Salient is known for. I realise that receiving praise from one of the “establishent” could be considered worse than an insult! However, thank you and please keep it up.

Warwick Murray Prof Human Geography

YEA FUCK YOU To my fan from last week, Give your details to ‘Salient’ and I’ll give you a free ticket to my upcoming show. You sound like fun.

Kind regards and best wishes, Alexander Sparrow Victoria’s most offensive comedian

HAMLET AND CHEESE Dear Salient Oh if all the world was a sandwich and all the people merely fillings The modest butter holding it all together The Salad providing all the frills The tomato, shy and sweet While the mutton, beef and bacon compete for flavor superiority the pickle is cynical the cucumber hedges its bets but the citrus fruits, the surprising optimists lend a pinch of zest

all the while the salt and pepper emulates the mix of good and bad oh what a sandwich we would be with such a world of variety at hand Regards A Shakes pear poet

I HAVE A DREAM Dozing off in a very uncomfortable position -as one does after no study and badly timetabled lectures- I came up with a grand solution to snapchat infamy.

Someone pleeeease convert a classroom into a room of gloriously cush beds. Oh please, please! Having someone check you in -to combat the hormone filled ‘hanky panky’. Even a wake up call, refreshed and ready for whatever your studious classes may be. Like, dude this shit would make a killing, Finland probably is all up in this.

Just an (exceptional) thought yo, Caehae

YOU RUINED IT FOR EVERYBODY Dear Salient, When I attend I am the life of the party.

So I found myself a month or so ago purchasing a ticket to the Victoria Law Students Society ‘Garden Party’ in the Dell of the Botanic Gardens.

I am informed by Salient by a ‘journalist’ named Sophie who neither attended the party nor the law school, that the event was ‘lawless.’ I was also informed by the reputable Stuff of the debauchery of the evening. Stuff did not attend, and indeed word for word their article read the same as Salient’s. According to the long arm of the law the serving of beverages was a breach of the Sale of Liquor Act. What a glorious breach was had by all.

Also apparently much damage was caused to the toilets, with one…broken.

The society received a very substantial fine of…$200.

Dear reader what is the problem? Yes there was a broken cistern and yes a barman may have called some flossy “beautiful” (how offensive) but all had a good time. *this letter was abridged by the editors as it was too long

editor@salient.org.nz

5

MAMMAL OF LAST WEEK L ast week , the I nternational C ourt of J ustice ruled that J apan must stop whaling . T he A ustralian G overnment brought the case , with the help of N ew Z ealand , against J apan . J apan signed a moratorium on whaling in 1986. S ince then , J apan has killed about 10,000 whales .

J apan has always argued that its whaling programme is necessary for scientific research , a loophole in the agreement it had signed . T he C ourt dismissed this reasoning . T he J apanese G overnment has said that it will abide by the decision and stop whaling . F ree W illy !

BY THE NUMBERS

F ewer

T he

crimes in

15 , 6 0 2

2013

compared to

74

2012

in

N ew Z ealand

kg

N ew Z ealand women , who R achel described as “ heifers ” and “ lardos ”

average weight of

S malley

$368

million

T he estimated cost of domestic violence to N ew Z ealand employers for the J une year 2014

M agnitude

8.2

of an earthquake off the coast of northern

C hile

P ortions

which killed six people

7+

a day

of fresh fruit and vegetables that scientists now recommend to maximise health

9

M onths that transgender O amaru woman S helley L ee W illiams will spend in men ’ s prison , after pleading guilty to three charges of assault

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the body issue

NEWS

K een

eye for news ?

S end

any tips , leads or gossip to

news @ salient . org . nz

MAJOR CHANGE TO MINOR PAPER

VUWSA Academic Vice-President Rāwinia Thompson told Salient that she sees this move as a continuation of a trend begun with Gender Studies and Māori Business, and that such cuts are undermining and reducing the humanities department.

UNIVERSITY PLANS TO DOWNGRADE SOCIAL POLICY Grey agreed, saying that universities were being strategic around courses “not around learning, but around financial viability”, and

by Steph Trengrove that this was a “definite strain on the environment.”

Social Policy (SPOL) may be the next humanities subject to face Dr Allison Kirkman, head of the School of Social and Cultural a cut as the University proposes removing it as a major option.

Studies, refuted claims that the humanities department is in decline, Based on last year’s review of the programme, the University has saying that enrolments in Sociology and the School’s other courses, suggested only offering Social Policy as a minor, citing low numbers Criminology and Anthropology, are on the rise. and a high content crossover with Sociology.

Kirkman said that Social Policy has always If the proposal goes through, there will be been difficult to sustain as a major, telling no new majors in Social Policy from 2015. All Salient that there is only one full-time staff existing majors in Social Policy will be able to member and one part-time staff member F irst - year SPOL majors in 2014 complete their course of study by including involved with the programme, but that there some SPOL courses and courses from are “not sufficient students enrolled in Social Sociology that have been double-labelled.

Policy courses to warrant more staff.”

Currently, Victoria University is the only When asked by Salient about his views R eturning SPOL majors in 2014 university in New Zealand offering the regarding cuts at the University, Grant programme. The programme is described on Guilford, Victoria’s new Vice-Chancellor, the Victoria University website as “the study said that no staff members were owed a living. of how and why social policy gets made and “If you’re a staff member at this university T otal SPOL majors for 2014 how it works in the real world, focussing on and your courses are in an area that is not people’s needs or wellbeing.” attracting any student interest, not attracting any research grants, Dr Sandra Grey, head of the programme and Senior Lecturer at then you have to ask yourself why this university should continue to the School of Social and Cultural Studies, said that the University support you,” said Guilford. should not cut the programme. She said Social Policy had been The final decision regarding the proposal will go before the “very well received” by students, but “unfortunately doesn’t have Academic Board at the meeting on 10 April. big numbers.”

If the proposal gets through University processes, it will then go to “The difficulty in this is some people will interpret my saying this the Committee on University Academic Programmes (CUAP). The as self-interest. It’s not, there will be no job losses.”

CUAP is a board which makes the final decision on accrediting or “Social policy is the biggest area of government expenditure, bar removing University courses. none. I’ve been teaching this subject for ten years, and I think there’s a real place for it,” said Grey.

14 52 66

DR SANDRA GREY

editor@salient.org.nz

7

NEWS

YOUNG MONEY CASH MONEY THOUSANDAIRES WHO SAYS WELLINGTON IS A DYING CITY?

by Simon Dennis

V

ictoria students are getting fewer jobs, but working more and making more money out of them, Student Job Search figures show.

In 2013, students at Victoria were placed in 3912 jobs, down from 4049 in 2012. However, the money earnt shot from $9 million in 2012 to $11.5 million, a 28 per cent increase.

This increase translates to an increase in earnings of over $700 for each placement. A Victoria student who got a job through Student Job Search last year earnt on average $2937.

Worker weeks increased in line with the greater earnings. In 2012, Victoria students worked 18,764 weeks in total; in 2013, this increased to 23,837.

VUWSA President Sonya Clark welcomed the news, saying that it was what students wanted.

“It is awesome to see that, on average, students are earning more in each job and working there for longer, even if the overall amount of jobs placed is slightly down. More stable work means students are better able to plan their lives and stress less about where their money is coming from,” Clark said.

CAMPUS DIGEST UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Victoria is looking for students to compete in Challenge, TVNZ’s long-running quiz show. The show is based on the BBC series which pitted four-member teams from the country’s universities against each other.

VUWSA is running trials to select a team. The chosen team will then undergo media training and support to help prepare them for the onscreen battle.

If you are chosen then you must be free to travel within NZ during the inter-trimester break (30 June – 6 July). Hotel and travel costs are covered.

STUDENT HEALTH

Student Health has hired a new intake counsellor to help decrease wait times. Linda Robertson, the new Counsellor, started on Wednesday 1 April. Gerard Hoffman, Manager of Student Counselling Services, said: “Linda’s role will be to meet with students new to our service in a one-off initial 30-minute intake/triage/engagement appointment.

This will hopefully happen within two to three days.” Salient will interview Linda next week.

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the body issue

Earnings have also gone up by 25 per cent for students at Massey, with the average placement for a Massey student now worth $2837.

This comes in contrast to earnings down south, with University of Otago students having a harder time finding well-paid jobs.

In 2013, Otago student earnings from SJS dropped to $7.3 million, from $8 million in 2012. Job placements also dropped from 4293 in 2012 to 4074 in 2013. Otago students also earnt an average of just $1976 from each placement.

Money earnt by Victoria students through Student Job Search

2012

$9 MILLION

2013

$11.5 MILLION

Money earnt by Victoria students per placement

2012

$2223

ART

2013

$2937

A 15 m–long John Drawbridge mural will be installed in Cotton Building. The mural has been stored in the National Archives since 1991, and comprises ten panels, each 3 m wide and 1.5 m tall. It depicts an abstract view across New Zealand.

NEWS

TEU v IOU UNION CALLS FOR UNIVERSAL STUDENT ALLOWANCE

EYE ON EXEC

by Sophie Boot

T

he Tertiary Education Union (TEU) has called for the Government to give more students Student Allowance, and Labour has said it is “time to get angry” about cuts to funding.

The TEU announced its Te Kaupapa Whaioranga ‘Blueprint’ for student wellbeing at a meeting on Tuesday 1 April. The document recommends raising the parental-income threshold for Student Allowances and increasing the amount Student Loan borrowers can access.

The document also “asserts we must introduce universal student allowances, funded through progressive taxation increases, and that those allowances should be at a level that is enough for students to live decently.”

Labour’s Spokesperson for Tertiary Education Grant Robertson said the Government had made “incremental cuts” to tertiary education, and students were receiving inadequate financial support.

“Students should not be the only group in society that have to borrow money to eat, but that’s what they do,” Robertson said.

“Labour will continue our strong record of expanding student support, and we will ensure staff, students and other community reps are on university councils.”

TEU national president Lesley Francey said the document was a “line in the sand” for tertiary education.

“The best way to demonstrate that we are committing our education system to the wellbeing of students first and foremost, rather than corporations, is not to saddle them with huge debts while they study.”

MAJOR CUTS IN THE PAST 4 YEARS

2010 – Loan eligibility removed for those who didn’t pass ½ their papers the previous year.

- 7-EFTS lifetime limit introduced to borrowing entitlement.

2011 – Part-time full-year students’ eligibility for courserelated costs removed.

2012 – Postgraduate students’ entitlement to allowances removed.

- Parental-income limit for Student Allowance frozen.

No longer adjusts with inflation, making fewer students eligible.

- Repayment rate increases from ten to 12 per cent, and repayment threshold frozen.

2013 – Eligibility for allowances of all students aged over 65 removed.

T

wo weeks of ‘Eye on Exec’ running – aren’t we lucky! Despite the date, the most recent VUWSA Exec meeting on 1 April sadly involved no pranks.

President Sonya Clark began the substantive part of the meeting with her report. She told the meeting that the University Council were asking ‘strategic questions’ about what size the University should be – whether it should grow to 30,000 EFTS, or remain smaller and more focussed. She also said that VUWSA’s recent submission to the WCC had been well received. She then went on to discuss the interactive Student Services Levy–allocation tool VUWSA and the University have set up, and said that while the Levy is set, the results may influence the long-term planning of the institution.

On a staffing front, Clark said VUWSA was looking to hire a new welfare organiser. Additionally, a new intake counsellor has been hired, funded by last year’s Levy increase. You can read more about this on page 8.

Discussion then turned to the prospect of VUWSA working with a local DJ and MAWSA to run a grad party on 16 May at Bodega.

Clark was enthused about the idea, but the rest of the Exec were less so: members cited concerns about whether students would want to attend, and whether it would do damage to the VUWSA brand to run a poorly attended event. Clark said that if nobody went then nobody would know that the event had flopped, to which Sustainability Officer Stephanie Gregor replied that “nobody was there to see the Pajama Party flopping!” Mirth ensued.

Clark said that it was important that the Exec not make a decision based on whether they would personally attend the event, as “we are NOT a representative body.” Realising she had given Salient a quote we can run with endlessly, Clark tried to distract the ever-hungry student media with talk of a discount at KFC by using VUWSA’s card. Salient has investigated, and can confirm that this is misleading: there is no VUWSA discount at KFC. We are the future of journalism.

Eventually, amid much concern about appeal from Exec members Rāwinia Thompson and Madeleine Ashton-Martyn, the decision was made to discuss the issue further with MAWSA, and ask the organiser for a written proposal.

Academic Vice-President Rāwinia Thompson then told the meeting about an awards ceremony VUWSA will run at some point towards the end of Trimester Two. There was much discussion of the flawed process of selecting people for special awards and Class Representative awards; the Exec decided people should be able to nominate others, as the awards are currently self-nominated.

Thompson said the event “has a lot of potential” and could be an evening event which really celebrated student achievement.

editor@salient.org.nz

9

NEWS FEATURE

EUROMAIDAN NIKOL AUS HOCHSTEIN COX

I

n November 2011, I stood on Maidan Nezalezhnosti, a square in the heart of Ukraine’s capital Kiev, and accidentally took part in a riot.

I had got off the metro at the wrong station and found myself surrounded by defensive lines of balaclava-wearing Berkut riot police and enmeshed by the banner-bearing, slogancrying people of Kiev. In the distance, strident music played at a political rally, while party faithful waved flags and a voice boomed out rhetoric. But every time the voice spoke, he would be drowned out by the indignant roar of the riot. Unsure what I was witnessing, I asked a cigarette-chewing photojournalist what was going on; he grimaced the words: “Hopefully a revolution.”

Two years later, and his wish may have been granted. After months of unrest, bitter street-fighting, and bloodshed, the Ukrainian uprising known as ‘Euromaidan’ has been what some could call successful. An ostensibly proRussian and corruption-ridden parliament has been dissolved, a ‘democratising’ and pro-Europeanisation government has replaced it, Vladimir Putin has got so upset he’s annexed Crimea, and the West stands behind their new freedom-loving friends in Kiev. The international media have been a storm of opposites concerning Euromaidan: Western media have lauded the revolution as a victory of democracy over autocracy, while Russian media have denounced the coup as the triumph of nationalistic neo-Nazis and an American plot. The real outcome of the violent past few weeks is yet to be discerned, but no politicians of either side seem inclined to be shaking hands any time soon.

But it hasn’t been politicians fighting in Kiev, nor was it Western agents of democracy instigating dissent against pro-Russian bastions

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the body issue

of Communism. At street level, below all the slogans and bluster, it was normal Ukrainian people, mostly young workers and students, fighting to be free from fear and want.

Prior to visiting Ukraine in 2011, I bought some warm clothes in an attempt to look like a local. However, my research regarding ‘Eastern European clothing’ didn’t go beyond Cold War movies, so it was in fur-lined greatcoat and shapka-ushanka hat that I graced Kiev’s streets. Pedestrians bowed their heads and made way for me as I passed – why this quaint deference towards visitors? After asking my co-workers, I discovered it was because only police wore greatcoats and ushankas these days. You never got in the way of a policeman, lest they extort money from you on invented charges, or worse. It was with a resigned smile that my friends admitted they were afraid of the police, but what could you expect?

The bureaucracy was corrupt all the way up to the president, Viktor Yanukovych, an exSoviet oligarch who had his main opposition jailed the year previously on charges possibly as bogus as the ones police used in the streets. When I saw the riot in Maidan Nezalezhnosti, I ran back to my friends and excitedly recounted the banner-waving, the roaring protestors and lines of policemen.

My excitement was rebuked with the tired statement: “A riot? They happen all the time.”

Few liked the leadership, but no one was inclined to make a difference. They were too afraid with too much to lose – but that has now changed. What started as a protest demanding increased integration with Europe in November 2013 transformed into a demand for Yanukovych to step down, to end the corrupt Soviet-era autocracy, and bring about ‘freedom’.

I asked my friend Olga why they would

risk so much for something as nebulous as ‘freedom’. She replied: “We have no other choice. We are fighting against corrupt criminals and now killers of the Ukrainian nation.” The young people of Ukraine – those who had never grown up under the yoke of the USSR – increasingly saw the freedoms of neighbouring European nations and asked: why not here? Western Europeans are not afraid of their police, they do not accept bribepaying as daily fare – why not here? When this young demographic came of age, the revolution began. They fought for ‘democracy’ not because Western powers told them to but because they knew it must be better than what they had.

Few things are more surreal than when friends you knew as secretaries and IT guys become revolutionaries. When people you worked with, flirted with over vodka and cigars, are braving nightsticks and bullets.

Olga told me: “They are killing unarmed people in the centre of a European capital.

Is that possible to imagine?” It still isn’t for me. I received updates from my ‘comrades’ online and found myself supporting the war in Kiev through supporting my friends.

Some of them got injured. Luckily, no one I knew died. Yanukovych has now fled, a host of strange bedfellows have formed a new government, and no one’s sure how successful this attempted ‘democracy’ will be.

Despite what Russian and Western media have been saying, behind all the talk of neoNazis, nationalists and American plots, I know that this revolution has been a victory for the Ukrainian people. People like Olga, who didn’t fight with ulterior motives, who didn’t fight for foreign governments: this has been their victory. They finally stopped being afraid and fought for freedom.

RUS S I A

UN I T E D KINGDOM

TI M E LI N E

OF UKRANIAN PROTESTS

G E RMA N Y

MAP OF UKR A INE

FRA NC E

U K R AI N E RO MA N I A

I TA LY

2013: Ukrainian Prime Minister Mykola Azarov asks the European Union for €20 billion in aid to offset the costs of Ukraine signing a freetrade deal with the EU. The EU offers €610 million.

POL AND

B UL G A RI A

B L AC K S E A T URKE Y

KIEV

21 November 2013: The government announces it is suspending trade talks with the EU and renewing its relationship with Russia.

24 November: 200,000 protesters gather in Kiev’s Maidan Nezalezhnosti (literally ‘Independence Square’) to protest the government suspending the integration of Ukraine into the EU. Police use tear gas on protesters.

CRIMEA

W H AT T H E FU C K IS HA PPENING IN C R IMEA ?

17 December: Russia agrees to loan Ukraine US$15 billion, along with lower gas prices. Protests continue around Kiev, particularly in Maidan.

•

16 January 2014: Parliament passes antiprotest laws which introduce fines and jail terms of up to ten years for blockading government buildings, wearing face masks and driving in convoys. Protests become violent, with three protesters killed by police on 21 January, and injured protesters seeking hospital treatment ‘disappearing’.

•

17 February: Russia releases another €2 billion to Ukraine, and pressures the Ukrainian administration to take decisive action.

KE Y PL AYE RS

20 February: The use of live ammunition against protesters is authorised.

•

• • •

Crimea is a peninsula south of the Ukrainian mainland and west of Russia. It was moved from being part of Russia to part of Ukraine in 1954.

Around 60 per cent of the 2.4 million inhabitants are Russian, and 77 per cent speak Russian as their primary language.

Russia began to take control of Crimea on 26 February following anti-government protests in Ukraine.

On 16 March, Crimea held a referendum on whether to join Russia or remain part of Ukraine.

97 per cent of respondents voted to join Russia, leading international observers to query the validity of the referendum. The United Nations has declared the referendum invalid.

The Crimean parliament declared independence from Ukraine and asked to join the Russian Federation on 17 March.

Russia now has control of Crimea and is amassing troops on the eastern Ukrainian border, possibly in preparation to invade.

Viktor Yanukovych, former President of Ukraine – President from 2010 until 22 February 2014, when he was deposed. Authorised arrests and killing of anti-government protesters. Remains at large in Russia.

21 February: Ukrainian police kill up to 100 protesters in a failed crackdown.

Vladimir Putin, President of Russia – former KGB officer, general terrible person. Seized control of Crimea on 27 February.

22 February: Ukrainian parliament ousts President Yanukovych; Yanukovych flees to Russia. The Yatsenyuk Government comes to power.

Euromaidan protesters – generally protesting against Yanukovych’s attempts to align Ukraine more closely with Russia. There are concerns that some protesters are aligned with far-right neo-fascist movements.

editor@salient.org.nz

11

NEWS

NEWS OF THE WORLD

iPredict is a market-based political and economic prediction market owned and operated by Victoria University of Wellington.

Visit www.ipredict.co.nz to get involved.

Probabilities are correct at time of publication.

by Henry Cooke

T

his week in smarmy teenagers not knowing their fucking place, a 14-year-old is convinced he can save the US government US$400 million by switching its default font from Times New Roman to Garamond. The General Services Administration spends around US$467 million on ink each year, with most of its documents printed in the relatively ink-heavy Times New Roman. Printer ink is the most expensive liquid in the world by volume, so it makes a lot of sense to seek savings there, especially when you owe China US$17 trillion. The GSA wasn’t as happy as you would think with these findings, saying: “we’re mostly just moving to .pdfs anyway, and Garamond is for dads lol”.

CHARLES, PRINCE OF WALES TO BE HEAD OF STATE OF NEW ZEALAND BEFORE 2020.

81%

H

ave a radio voice but no charisma? Northeastern University could use your help!

The Human Voicebank Initiative is currently creating a repository of human voices, in search of creating more personalised artificial voices for those who lose the ability to speak. These ‘prosthetic voices’ can be the difference between a Stephen Hawking–like drone, and the more kooky Roger Ebert voice, which was made up of recordings of him from his television career. Volunteers are asked to contribute at least 800 sentences, although many more are needed for a relatively natural-sounding voice. These can be remixed to suit each new user, with tones from a wide range of different people. In the meantime, consider setting your Siri voice to ‘British English’; it will feel like you’ve got a posh butler telling you the weather.

A

fter 28 years of ‘scientific’ whaling, large-scale hunting of whales by the Japanese has been halted, after the UN’s International Court of Justice ruling that the killing was plainly “not for purposes of scientific research.” Australia petitioned the court four years ago, arguing that the slaughter of up to 1000 minke whales and up to 50 fin whales was a commercial operation cloaking itself in “the lab coat of science”. The fin whale is recognised as endangered. Japan has a long cultural history of whaling, but while they were “disappointed“ with the ruling they remain committed to international law, so will abide by this ruling, for now. Notably, the court didn’t decide that scientific whaling is illegal per se, and small-scale Japanese whaling was allowed to continue – so none of this is concrete. Then again, Japanese consumption of whale meat has declined dramatically since its post-WWII heyday – another moral victory for the free market!

CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE EXPECTANT WITH HEIR IN 2014.

50%

A NEW ZEALANDER (AS A HOLDER OF NEW ZEALAND CITIZENSHIP) TO BE HEAD OF STATE OF NEW ZEALAND BY 2020.

7.6%

NEW ZEALAND TO HOLD A REFERENDUM ON BECOMING A REPUBLIC BY 2020.

62%

A NEW ZEALAND REPUBLIC TO BE APPROVED IN A REFERENDUM BY 2020.

25%

12

the body issue

to measles.

To get immunised now, talk to Student Health or your family doctor or nurse.

Not only children get measles.

Protect yourself and your family.

IMM0130

Call 0800 IMMUNE or visit health.govt.nz/measles for more info

editor@salient.org.nz

13

POLITICS

Ramblin gs o f a fallen hack

HISTORICAL SASS “He’s gone around the country stirring up apathy.”

— David Lange on Jim Bolger.

Let’s Agree to Disagree

I

t’s easy to laugh at the losers in Labour.

Three weeks ago, this magazine published an article in which Labour MP Shane Jones attacked the Government for obsessing over international students. In the same article, Labour MP Raymond Huo attacked the Government’s failure to encourage foreigners to study in New Zealand. Once again, Labour didn’t know what they thought.

Little wonder their polling struggles to reach 30 per cent. Little wonder they’re stumbling towards irrelevance and defeat. Two members of the Labour Caucus disagree on something. What an embarrassing revelation that is.

It’s rare for Kiwi politics to deviate from tribalism. MPs opposing the will of their party forge significant moments in our political history – think Tariana Turia opposing the Foreshore and Seabed Act; think Marilyn Waring opposing Muldoon on the nuclear-free issue. MPs are not members of political parties, they’re appendages.

When you run for Parliament, any individual political identity is incinerated in the flames of internal party democracy. You are Labour, or you are National or you are Green.

Individuality is for those without power.

In the UK, MPs frequently vote against the will of their leaders. Prime Minister David Cameron has lost parliamentary votes on military deployment in Syria and support for the European Union. He abandoned his transformation of the House

of Lords after losing the support of too many government backbenchers. And in America, the ideological rifts within the Democratic and Republican parties render those labels redundant. A tightly whipped vote would be considered an affront to their democracy.

But we Kiwis allow ourselves to be caricatured as either a Balclutha dairy farmer or a genderqueer Māori from Te Aro. The conformity within our political parties leaves many of us without a voice, the truths we care about unspoken. Perhaps you’re a working-class bloke with no time for either the tossers in Labour or the rich pricks in National. Tough luck. If you don’t fit the cliché, politics is not for you.

Perhaps we can blame MMP. Perhaps list MPs can’t be expected to speak against the party hierarchy to whom they are beholden.

Perhaps the price of proportionality is the bravery to make it worthwhile. But our cowardice is much older than our electoral system. And electorate MPs too are beholden to internal democracy. The National MP for Northland relies as much upon his party as he would if elected from the list.

The truth is we’re boring people. We don’t like to cause trouble. We’re pragmatists, and when competence is the only criteria by which we elect our leaders, dissent is equivalent to treachery. To agree to disagree is to concede that we cannot rely upon objective solutions, that the political machine must maim as often as it medicates. Those excluded from our politics should be unsurprised to find themselves among the wounded.

by Jade d’Hack

14

the body issue

Top 5 Party-Leader Tinder Bios* 1. Jamie Whyte, ACT – I wanna laissez-faire with you, bae. The only climate change I believe in is when you enter the room.

2. Metiria Turei, Greens – Liveaction role-playing is my thing.

Free-range humans only.

3. David Cunliffe, Labour – I’m too good for you.

4. John Key, National – I promise I won’t sell your assets… until after we have moved in together.

5. Peter Dunne, United Something – 50% Hair, 50% sex appeal, 100% man.

Prefers journalists. *fictional Tinder bios. Please don’t sue me, I have no money.

WHO IS ASKING ABOUT EDUCATION? So far this year, Labour have asked five questions on Education, the Greens have asked one, and New Zealand First have asked two.

These questions have mostly been about the ongoing Novopay saga, and partnership (charter) schools.

The Greens have also asked two questions about Tertiary Education, which I class as a separate question category.

B y J o r d a n M c C lu s k e y

COLUMN

The I ntrepi d V C G u i lf o r d E p i s o d e 6 : N o t h i n g g o o d g e ts away

G

uilford was pensive. He was sitting on the edge of his desk with one foot on the floor and his hand on his chin; he could’ve been Winston Churchill, or the Duke of Wellington before Waterloo, except that he wasn’t planning a war but trying to remember the words to The Simpsons’ theme tune, forgetting that there weren’t any.

“What day is it, Petersen?”

“Wednesday, sir.”

“God damn it, I thought it was a Tuesday.

I always think it’s a Tuesday, unless it actually is a Tuesday: then I think it’s a Wednesday.”

Petersen ignored him; he was busy staring despondently out the window.

“Bloody hell Petersen, what’s got into you today? You’ve been lookin’ blue all morning.”

“It’s nothing, sir.”

“Is it because I changed our marketing slogan to ‘Everyday’s a Friday’?”

“No sir.”

Guilford paced the room, making a lot of mmming and ahhing noises and turning around now and then to give Petersen a onceover.

“Ah ha! I’ve got it. You’re in love, Petersen.

I’d know that look anywhere. What is it? Is it a long-distance relationship? Unrequited love?”

“I would rather not talk about it, sir.”

“Nonsense, I’m ya business partner and we gotta look out for each other. Trust me, I’ve been there before. You feel like a Hereford bull at liberty in a field of cows. But there’s only one girl you want, ain’t there? The beautiful Friesian with the biggest milkiest udder you’ve ever laid eyes on. But she’s not in this paddock, is she, Petersen? She’s on the farm next door getting all up in some bovine lesbianism. Goddamn it, you’ve got to hold

your head high and move on from Jennifer.”

“Who’s Jennifer?”

“What? How do you know about Jennifer?”

Guilford snapped.

The truth was more deep-rooted. After his birth in Copenhagen, Jakob Petersen was considered by all accounts an exceptionally ugly child. His parents, recognising that your usual Dane lay somewhere between absurdly gorgeous and overtly handsome, sent him to be raised by distant relatives in Palmerston North, where they figured he was more likely to blend in with the general populace.

Every two years, Petersen would go back to Copenhagen, and on his last visit he had begun correspondence with his childhood neighbour, Frida. He had fallen hopelessly for her, but she had not replied to his emails for nearly a month.

“Now look here, you’ve got to move forward,” said Guilford. “I remember when I first met Mrs Guilford. I was practicing as a vet straight outta varsity when she came in with her cat and I said: ‘Your cat’s glaucoma has remained untreated for too long. He’ll be blind for the rest of his life.’ She pointed out it was ack-shu-ly a dog – y’know, Petersen, there always was a reason I got into academia – but the point is, it was love at first sight.

We were married within the year. It’s a funny thing: happiness will find ya when you’re not even lookin’ for it.”

Petersen groaned, sat heavily in the visitors’ bean bag, and buried his head in his arms.

“Now now Petersen,” Guilford tentatively patted his back: “you’ve just got to figure out what the problem is. Why wouldn’t Frida like you, aside from your general hideousness? Do you like being the little spoon, is that it? Does she not like to spoon you? There’s no shame

in being the little spoon. I enjoy it myself on occasion.”

“For crying out loud, sir.”

“Okay okay! Calm down Petersen, bloody hell. But just to clear things up I’m going to ring Arcada-Rae Mae. Since our encounter in the library she’s been feeding me in-fa-mayshun, mainly trivial stuff about how many people have been getting the runs from Hare Krishna but it’s a start, don’t ya think?”

Not owning a cellphone due to fear of his location being tracked, Guilford used the landline on his desk.

“Hi Arcadia-Rae Mae. Now listen, I want to ask you a question: Petersen likes being the little spoon; is that acceptable in the student body these days? Yep. Ah ha. In-trest-in. I know! Okay, I’ll pass it on. Ciao. She says it’s totes completely bloody fine Petersen, so it can’t be that then. Have you told her how you feel?”

“No sir.”

“Well there you go! You’ve got to tell her how you feel. I remember the first time I told Mrs Guilford how I felt. She’s quite an avian sort of lady y’know, Petersen, and not in an influenza kind of way. So I said to her: ‘you’re beautiful like a bird, and not in an influenza kind of way.’ Granted, she was in tears because I’d just put her dog to sleep, but it got my foot in the door. You’ve got to get them when they least expect it.”

“What’s the point, sir? Even if she feels the same way. She lives on the other side of the world. It all seems so futile.”

“Maybe you’re right, Petersen. But speakin’ of futile efforts, you’ve got to come help me stick a survey-lance cam-ra to this stray cat I found on Mount St.”

by Hugo McKinnon

editor@salient.org.nz

15

COLUMN

B E I N G W E L L

G

rass. Pot. Weed. MJ. Dak. Hash. Smoke. Buds. Skunk. Ganja. Dope.

Reefer.

• Whatever you want to call it, cannabis is the most widely used illegal drug in New Zealand.

• Half of all 16–64-year-olds have tried it at least once.

• Use is more common among 18–24-year-olds, and regular use is more common in men.

So why is it so popular, and is it safe?

Cannabis plants are the source of the compound tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC. The amount of THC in a plant will determine how strong the effect of the drug will be. Cannabis usually comes in one of three forms: Marijuana – most common and least potent. This is the dried leaf and buds of the plant, and resembles dried herbs. It is smoked.

Hashish – the resin from the plant is dried and compressed into small blocks. Hash is more concentrated than marijuana, and is usually smoked, or added to baking.

Cannabis oil – this is the strongest form of cannabis. It is a thick oily liquid and is usually smoked.

When smoked or ingested, cannabis produces a sense of euphoria, relaxation and wellbeing. It is a depressant, which means it slows down messages between the brain and the body. The ‘high’ from smoking cannabis comes on within minutes, and can affect users for up to several hours later. Students report using cannabis as a way to reduce stress and tension associated with the demands of study, and to help them sleep better. Unfortunately, this type of ‘self-medicating’ comes with risks.

Although infrequent use is thought to be safe, regular use, especially in younger people, is potentially very hazardous.

In large quantities, cannabis can make users feel unwell, with symptoms including confusion, mild hallucinations, paranoia, impaired coordination (it is really important not to drive if you have been using), restlessness and low mood.

It is almost impossible to overdose on cannabis – it is possible to become dependent on it though, and struggle to stop using it. This can have a huge impact on your relationships and career.

Other harmful effects include: • Respiratory – smoking cannabis carries similar risks to your lungs as cigarette-smoking.

• Motivation, focus and coordination can be impaired.

• Cognition – regular cannabis use affects your ability to concentrate, learn, and remember facts.

• Sexual health – regular use can adversely affect sex drive, sperm count and menstrual cycles.

• Mental illness – potentially the most serious and harmful effect of cannabis. It is recognised that regular cannabis use, especially when younger than 15 years old, can lead to temporary psychotic illness. There are also fears that it can precipitate the onset of schizophrenia in susceptible individuals.

Support and information is available at Student Health.

B Y

16

the body issue

Cat her ine Ste p h e nson

M AO R I M AT T E R S

I

t was 24 September 2011. I was 20, studying full-time here at Vic, and was face to face with the biggest demon in my life. Myself.

Back then, I was realising that something had consumed my consciousness, my way of thinking, my logic; the me I once knew was no longer there. I was actually staring at myself slowly realising that I couldn’t recognise the things in me that once made me, ME! I was suffering from an eating disorder – anorexia nervosa.

For me, it was the ideal of perfection. I have always struggled with perfectionism. Of course there are other factors which led to the eating disorder – my sexuality, obsessive–compulsive tendencies, and the onset of the mental illness depression. I was totally aware but in complete self-denial. I had come to the realisation that a choice needed to be made: A) I could continue down this dangerous track, or, B) I could face my demons head on and try change myself. Get back what little pieces of ‘ME’ remained in this fractured shell.

I chose B, booking a flight that morning to leave Wellington the next day. I had made the choice and knew there was now no turning back.

I returned home and the pain that I had hidden for years inside was now physically visible to those who love me. The son, grandson, brother, nephew, friend, the person they had raised and knew had faded and now what remained was a diminishing fragile exterior.

I was nearing my 21st birthday and barely able to stand on the scales and tip 50 kg.

Skip to today…

It’s 1 April 2014, I’m 23 and back studying at Vic. I currently weigh 65 kg, and I’m well on the way to recovery. Dealing with an eating disorder is often a constant battle. The person I am now, the person I have become, is vastly different to the shell I shed in 2011.

Seeking professional help, I applied the saying “out with the old, in with the new”. Focussing on the positive and eliminating the negative.

Physically, I’ve gained weight, but it’s still a continuous struggle.

Mentally, I’ve expanded my mind, learning techniques to better deal with my issues, while socially I’ve lost friends who couldn’t understand or empathise with what I face.

When people think of an eating disorder, it’s considered a ‘girls’ problem’. They aren’t confined by gender, sexuality, income or cultural background. There is no single cause for an eating disorder.

Figures suggest that around 20 per cent of people with anorexia nervosa are male. Eight to 11 per cent of those suffering bulimia nervosa are men, as are 50 per cent of binge-eating-disorder sufferers.

There’s no shame in asking for help, and you will thank yourself for doing so in years to come as I have.

B Y

Reu b en Radfo rd

SONYA SAYS

T

his week, for the first time ever in my 22-and-a-half years, I had a meeting with a personal trainer. Karl, the Manager at the Rec Centre, has kindly suggested that a president needs to keep their health and fitness in check in order to keep well in a busy year.

I’ve agreed, so he’s booked me in to see Whitney this Thursday. I’m nervous, but I know that it’s high time for Sonya to get acquainted with exercise again.

Like most people, I have a complicated dialogue with my body. While it wasn’t always the case, I now have a pretty positive body image and am comfortable in my skin. But as a woman, people often assume differently. A lovely staff member last week assumed that I wouldn’t take sugar in my drink, because I was a young woman. It took me a moment to realise before I clicked that she assumed I would be on a low-sugar diet. When I go out for dinner with my boyfriend, who is a vegetarian, wait staff usually assume the vegetarian meal is for me, rather than the steak and chips that I’ve actually ordered.

On the health front though, my body and I don’t get along so much. I know that I don’t sleep enough and stress too much. I sometimes skip meals because I tell myself I’m ‘too busy’. I’ve also had flat feet for my whole life, which made exercise painful until I was granted some money for expensive orthotics. My foray into fitness is also fairly limited. I attempted swimming in Year 6 (prize for ‘best learner’ at age 11 – a prize usually awarded to much younger club members), social netball in Year 8, and got a couple of third placings in cross-country. In second year, I joined the Rec Centre to attend classes with my flatmate, but gave up too quickly when I felt embarrassingly uncoordinated in Zumba.

So this is it – I have my bright yellow membership sticker on my ID card and a meeting in the calendar for my gym appointment. Unlike last time I tried and gave up, I know that Karl and Whitney will be checking in to see how my exercise is going. It’s time to stop telling myself that I’m too busy to exercise/sleep/eat properly – I know that I’ll be a better president if I listen to my body and look after myself. The same goes for everyone – sleeping properly, eating properly, and moving your body are pretty good steps to take when wanting to balance life that little bit more.

PS Don’t forget to fill out the Student Services Levy budget simulator – help us decide the future of student services at Vic! Check your email.

Campaigns Officer

K

ia ora, I’m Alasdair Keating, your Campaigns Officer at VUWSA this year!

Despite the glamorous promise of going on some form of spirit quest to ‘know your mind’, as conjured up by Vic’s marketing department, life isn’t always easy as a student. Whether you’ve frozen in your flat over winter with four assignments to work on, worked 20-hour weeks to cover your living costs or waited for two months to get a counselling appointment, at some point most of you will have realised that uni life can be pretty shit. To top it all off, climate change seems ready to drown our coasts, World War Three looks set to erupt in the Crimea, and the prospect of getting a real job with your BA looks harder than ever.

If you’re on your own desperately finishing an assignment the night before or slaving away at a minimum-wage hospo job, trying to address any of these problems can seem insurmountable, if not impossible. Fortunately, there are about 20,000 other people all trying to cope with the same issues as you in Victoria University’s student body. As the philosopher and pretty smart guy Thomas Hobbes argued, lots of seemingly unimportant people can become really powerful when they group together, becoming what he kindof-awesomely termed a ‘Leviathan’.

Uniting the voices of students so that we can make ourselves big enough to change things for the better is what VUWSA is all about.

As the Campaigns Officer on the Executive this year, it’s my job to ensure that voice is heard by those in power. As you know, it’s an election year this year, which means that on 20 September we get the chance to choose who sits in the Beehive and makes the decisions that affect everyone in the country.

As young people and individuals we can seem pretty powerless, with little influence over the decision-makers, and it’s pretty easy to choose not to vote. If you want a warmer flat so you can study without getting the flu, however, or a student loan or allowance which doesn’t force you to prioritise work over study, your vote matters.

At the moment, we’re working on how VUWSA will approach the election, and if you want to get involved or have an issue you think we should campaign on, I’d love to hear from you.

So make sure you’re enrolled, get involved with VUWSA’s campaign this year, and as cheesy as it may sound, together we can have the power to make change for the better!

Your Prez, Son ya Cla r k | P r esid e nt Phone: (04) 463 6986 Email: sonya.clark@vuw.ac.nz Website: www.vuwsa.org.nz Twitter: @Sonya_NZ In person: SU 403, VUWSA Offices, Level 4, Student Union Building (next to the new microwaves!)

Alas dai r Keat i ng | Cam pai g ns O ffi cer Phone: (04) 473 7406 Email: alasdair.keating@vuw.ac.nz Website: www.vuwsa.org.nz

editor@salient.org.nz

17

XL XO ALEXANDRA HOLLIS

18

the body issue

FEATURE

Fashion is for thin people. The industry standard for models is an NZ size 4.

If you believe Rachel Smalley, the average New Zealand woman is a “heifer”, a “lardo.” Brands like Abercrombie & Fitch refuse to stock sizes above a Large because they don’t want their customers “to see people who aren’t as hot as them wearing [A&F] clothing.” Most ‘mainstream’ clothing stores only go up to a size 16. What’s a girl to do?

I

n late January of this year, Ally Garrett, creates noise.” The sense of having an option presentation can be exacerbated. In fed up with not being able to buy clothes when faced with this situation seems to be Wellington, many of our high-end stores only in her size, took to Twitter. “I feel like I’ve what people are most responding to: “it is go up to a size 14. Kate Sylvester considers gotta beg shops to give me a reason to spend about wellbeing,” Dean says; “it’s a shitty an L (their highest letter-size) to be a 12–14. $$$,” she tweeted. “I’m young, hot and feeling when you can’t find clothes that fit (They go down to XS.) Ruby’s highest size is a 12. It would be unreasonable to expect all financially irresponsible, it shouldn’t be this you.” hard.” Less than five minutes later, Victoria Because this isn’t ‘just fashion’. “[Clothes stores to stock all sizes; financially, it often student Freya Dean responded, saying: “I’m are] a part of your identity. It’s a part of doesn’t make sense to cater to the extremities so tempted to make some kind of calling fitting into society,” Dean says. What we of the bell curve. But when the average New card/letter for when I go into an overpriced wear indicates far more than just how cold Zealand woman is a size 14–16, and the store and can’t fit anything. ‘FYI I would it is outside; clothes are a marker of class, percentage of women who are size 16 and have spend $ ---- today if you stocked my religion, and personality. Wearing my over has been reported to be as much as 65 size’.” The “Twitter lady mafia”, as Dean calls favourite ugly jersey to uni indicates that my per cent, then there is a systematic problem.

If more women are plus-size it, sprang into action, with Nicole Skews, founder of the If more women are plus-size than not, then the niche isn’t than not, then the niche isn’t Wellington Young Feminist being excluded – the majority is. This doesn’t make financial being excluded – the majority is. This doesn’t make financial Collective, and Merrin sense. This doesn’t make sense, period. sense. This doesn’t make sense, Macleod, who designed the cards, also getting involved. 45 minutes after flat is freezing, that I’m tired and don’t want period.

This might be indicative of people’s Garrett’s tweet, the Clothes Calling Card to talk to people, and that I’m attempting to (CCC) campaign was born. incorporate this sense of not caring into my assumption that the general populace is thinner than they actually are. There seems On the campaign’s website you can personal brand. Or something. print two versions of the calling cards; one While the full nature of this expression is to be an erasure of body diversity in how intended to be given to a shop assistant or available to people of mainstream sizes, when we represent our society back to ourselves. manager, reading, “Please let me give you you don’t fit the mainstream your choices are While there are a few exceptions (Lena money. If you had things in size ____, I often limited. This can be especially damaging Dunham, writer and star of Girls, often gets would have spent $____,” and another, because of the discourse surrounding weight. naked onscreen in order to promote body intended to be simply left in the store, which “There’s this whole idea of what’s considered diversity), on the whole the bodies we see in says, “This shop wouldn’t take my money. If standardised and good, and morally the media are mostly thin, and almost never they had things in size ____, I would have good,” Dean says. “Fat people are not just plus-size. There seems to be a general cultural spent $____.” The campaign isn’t just for unattractive, they’re also lazy.” Melissa consensus to simply ignore the existence of plus-size women, or just women; the calling McEwan, who runs the feminist website larger sizes, both in business and the media. cards are intended to be used in any situation Shakesville, has also written about this: “[f ] Significantly, Boothroyd’s study found that where a person feels they’ve been overlooked at women have all kinds of narratives about when women were shown pictures of more for reasons of size (or, in the case of make- sloppiness, laziness, dirtiness, to overcome,” diverse bodies, they were more accepting of up, skin colour) and would like to politely she says. “I get treated differently at the body diversity. “Showing [the test subjects] remind the store of this fact. “There’s been doctor’s office, and at the emergency room. thin bodies makes them like thin bodies a really positive response to the campaign, I can’t go to the ER in sweatpants, because more, and showing them fat bodies makes and to the cards themselves,” Dean tells me; I’ll get shittier treatment. In an emergency, I them like fat bodies more,” she says.

The CCC offers empowerment to people “people have been really stoked that they have to worry if I am dressed up enough to exist.” At the heart of the campaign is this prove that I deserve respect and care.” Lynda in a situation which can feel powerless. The frustration with clothing stores that Dean Boothroyd, an English researcher who led a hope is that this small campaign can work and many others felt: “it’s not my fault that study of body diversity in 2012, found that to enact some sort of societal change in how I’m not spending money, it’s yours.” when shown images of well-dressed women, we view body image and size. It’s a reminder, “What I like about the idea of this the test subjects thought better of them than Dean says, that “the personal is political.” campaign is that it’s small, and the card is poorly or plainly dressed women, regardless Fashion is never just fashion, and clothes are for everyone. a really simple, practical action,” Dean says. of size.

Unless you’re a nudist. l “It’s something that people can do that With limited sizes, this problem of editor@salient.org.nz

19

Smokers are Jokers by philip mcsweeney

New Zealand has a problem. We have succeeded in fostering a culture built around a vice that is now taking its toll – this vice is responsible for 24 per cent of injuries and a whopping 36 per cent of trips to A&E. According to a report commissioned by the Ministry of Justice, 513,000 New Zealanders use this product harmfully, but because of the big pockets of corporate lobbyists, efforts to tackle the problem have been inadequate. In 2005 alone, abuse of this substance cost the Government about $4.8 billion in tangible and intangible costs.

I am, of course, talking about alcohol.

20

the body issue

FEATURE

TAX 76%

p e rc e n t a g e a t w h ic h t h e g o v t t a x e s ci g a r e t t e s

DEATH

$1.3 BILLION $350 MILLION

g o v e rn m e n t r e c e i v e s in r e v e n u e f r o m t a x in g ci g a r e t t e s t h e c o s t t o t h e g o v e rn m e n t o f s m o k in g

CONSUMPTION $1.7

B I LL I O N

50% c h a nc e o f d y in g f r o m s m o k in g - r e l a t e d in j u ri e s if you don’t quit before 30

13

I

t h e n u m b e r o f p e o p l e w h o d i e e a c h d a y f r o m s m o k in g o r secondhand smoke exposure

purchased my first pack of cigarettes at an impressionable, restless 15; they cost me ten bucks. I could have, at the time, opted for a budget brand called ‘[something]-eights’, named in virtue of how much a pack of them cost. Flash-forward six years, and most brands of tailormade cigs go for nigh-on 20 bucks a pop – more if you prefer to smoke ‘premium’ brands like Benson & Hedges and Rothmans. The drastic price increase is due to higher taxes on the product by the New Zealand Government. In 2010, the Tobacco Tax Increase Bill passed 118–4 under urgency. Since then, taxes on tobacco products have been raised incrementally by ten per cent on a yearly basis in an attempt to both curb smoking and recoup the social costs caused by smoking.

Being a smoker ain’t easy in this day and age. When you smoke at a party, you suffer glares from the healthy-minded saints among you (at least until they get drunk enough to bum one off you and then proceed to bum-puff it before your very eyes while you silently beseech your God

a p p r o x . o f ci g a r e t t e s s o l d e a c h y e a r

yo u a r e 3 t i m e s m o r e l i k e ly t o smoke if you are poor than if y o u a r e ric h

to give you strength). At worst, you will get openly vocalised hostility, and exaggerated coughing followed by a telling smirk or the kind of sneer that symbolises a desire to spit in your face, or at least haul you before some tribunal to be arraigned for your crimes.

To be clear, there is very good reason to loathe smoking as a habit.

Smoking is bad, it should be eradicated, the end. It is scientifically proven that smoking causes: “Lung cancer, oral cavity, pharynx, larynx, esophagus and pancreas cancers, vascular disease, respiratory disease, increased risk of infertility, preterm delivery, stillbirth, sudden infant death syndrome and untreatable blindness”. It makes you reek, makes acne worse, deadens your skin, renders your formerly voluptuous hair listless. Perhaps most tragically, for your friends, family and whānau, your life is cut short about 15 years prematurely. That’s 15 years that you could have spent with these people which has been cruelly usurped from you, and one would have to be tremendously callous not to be editor@salient.org.nz

21

FEATURE

moved by that.

However, the narrative that smoking is bad, and that ‘Big Tobacco’ (the unholy trinity of Philip Morris, Imperial and British American) is bad, is being directed in such a way that it ends up maligning smokers themselves rather than the habit or its enablers.

Let’s start with the tax hike. As covered in the infographic, for every dollar spent on ciggies, the Government takes 75 cents. The rest is divvied up between the retailer and the tobacco companies. This means that the Government isn’t only recouping the costs involved with smoking addiction. Every year means a $350 million bill that the Government has to foot because of the ill-effects of tobacco. The Government now gets $1.3 billion. That is a billion-dollar discrepancy in what is essentially a rort on smokers.

As Action on Smoking and Health (ASH), an anti-tobacco lobby group, concedes, “there is no one-size-fits-all approach to quitting smoking”, and hurling nicotine patches and gum at the problem from afar will not work for everyone. The Government is not exploring options such as decreasing tax on herbal gaspers, nicotine-free fags, low-tar durries or e-cigs, despite the growing evidence that these may be more effective in enabling a person to escape tobacco’s clutches than the remedies currently at hand. In the case of the e-cigarette, the Government is actively curtailing them by banning their importation – essentially gifting tobacco companies a monopoly that it can reap the benefits of.

While it did enact legislation specifically targeting Big Tobacco’s stranglehold by banning tobacco retailers from displaying cigarettes to the public, Big Tobacco always has the resources to exploit loopholes.

Now, a vividly red (not coincidentally, the colour of many cigarette packets) slogan, which can be handily affixed to a ciggy cabinet, implores potential cigarette buyers to ‘ask me how much’. Meanwhile, planned legislation that would force plain packaging on cigarettes is likely to be stalled until Big Tobacco’s lawsuit against Australia is resolved – and in all likelihood cannot go forward based on trade agreements the Government has chosen to enter into.

There is more than a whiff of disingenuousness on the Government’s part. While there are vague plans to make New Zealand ‘smokefree by 2025’, the Government still allows cigarettes to be sold, thereby enabling smokers to keep smoking and earn da gummint da moolah.

Ever wondered why they don’t ban them outright? Shit, I mentioned earlier that cigarettes have doubled in price in the past six years. Do you know what other business scheme involves a) knowingly allowing a highly addictive substance to be sold, thus implicitly encouraging its sale and then b) upping the price once the buyer is hooked? Drug dealing. If I’m pissed off, it’s because the Government tacitly enabled my addiction and is now reaping a billion-dollar reward from it. Smokers are getting roundly fucked from every conceivable direction. The Government profits off our addiction, despite allowing us to indulge in it. Retailers profit off our addiction. Corporations profit off our addiction, and we’re the ones held culpable for this massive clusterfuck. The Government can have its cake and eat it too while smokers are left marginalised and voiceless.

These misplaced anti-smoker regulations have extended to the

realm of tertiary education. Last year, Victoria University instigated a cunning new plan whereby smoking was banned from campus. Great!

No more polluted air for the sanctimonious, and a sanitised campus the Chancellors can show distinguished overseas guests. How could the smoking populace cock the whole thing now? It had little tangible effect. Some people still disobediently smoke on campus, others choose to line the entrance to Victoria University, students and staff are still complaining, and smokers are fuming in more ways than one – as VUWSA Vice-President Rick Zwaan describes it, it’s a “lose-lose”. Well, unless you count the artificial sense of self-importance bestowed on the University for ‘taking a stand’ against those blighted smokers. Indeed, VUWSA voted against identifying themselves (well except for selfidentified right-winger Jordan McCluskey and Simon Tapp) as being in favour of the smoking ban, with Zwaan saying “we didn’t want to ostracise smokers even more” – recognising that some of the populace he represents are, in fact, smokers.

This particular angle doesn’t even come close to tackling the enormity of the negative effects of indicting smokers. It has been decried as a ‘war on the poor’, and if you look at the stats, this isn’t incorrect. Those in lower socioeconomic brackets are up to twice as likely to smoke than the rest of us, and more Māori and Pasifika people smoke proportionate to Pākehā. Many of these people do not have access to the kind of support and initiatives middle-class people who want to quit do, and for many of them, smoking, with the relaxation it brings, is a symptom, not a cause, of their poverty.

Then there’s the mental-health component. 90 per cent of incoming patients with schizophrenia smoke and, as unpalatable as the conclusion is, smoking has the effect of regulating brain patterns – which significantly ameliorates symptoms of schizophrenia, anxiety and – surprisingly – Alzheimer’s. The official policy, backed by the Mental Health Foundation, is that smoking cessation is achievable for people with mental-health needs. This is directly contrary to all the empirical research conducted on the matter so far, which endorses cutting back but specifically rejects complete cessation as being conducive to the mental needs of a suffering individual.

If all this is news to you, it is because smokers are systematically denied a voice in the debate that targets them. When I talked to ASH, I asked whether smokers’ voices should be included in the debate. Their answer was telling: “where we are seeing smokers’ voices in debates, it’s not coming across as genuine. It seems totally rehearsed and contrived by tobacco companies”. That is, of course, unless their opinion conforms to the prevailing orthodoxy: then, suddenly, their opinion is recognised as legitimate. We need to listen to all smokers, from the ones who want to quit to the ones that enjoy it enough to want to keep going (if you’ve had a first cigarette of the day with coffee or a last cigarette of the night with a glass of red, you’ll understand), and then address their needs according to their feedback.

It is understandable that you object to smoking, and laudable that you want to stop Big Tobacco. But please, refrain from putting smokers under your crosshatches – until smokers are provided with adequate resources to overcome their addiction and stop getting taxed to the hilt unjustly, you just don’t have that right. Butt out. l

When you smoke at a party, you suffer glares from the healthy-minded saints among you (at least until they get drunk enough to bum one off you and then proceed to bum-puff it before your very eyes while you silently beseech your God to give you strength).

22

the body issue

TWENT Y - T W ELVE

BY HENRY COOKE

T

here are girls on this bus, and they are talking.

Julius hasn’t had a good excuse to turn around yet, but he can hear them fine, their voices just above the vibrating seats and pumps on brake. Girl A, who dominates, is moving away for university. Girl B is staying.

“It’s apocalyptic,” says Girl B. “You’re like, within my top five friends.”

“Easily,” replies Girl A. “Top three, at least. A predictable pick. Solid runner-up. But an apocalypse? Nowhere near that cinematic. Season finale; not series.”

“Cocky, shit, I should shaft you down. ‘Also ran.’ The commenters will go mad.”

“Nah, they’ve never liked me much. More of a critic’s choice. A slow burner. Not enough snappy dialogue.”

The girls talk over and within each other. Julius’s headphones are on, the podcast paused. Teenage girls, he realises, are never going to stop being terrifying.

“Is anyone else moving there too?” asks Girl A. He’s missed where she’s going.

“I don’t really know. It will be fine. I’m affable, or at least I can be.” Girl A pauses, seemingly surprised that Girl B hasn’t interrupted her. “I don’t think anything about my friends here is unique. I’m sure I’ll find a similar group, the demographics are quite comparable.”

Silence, for a second. The bulging mass of windows begins a sharp turn, evening light racing its way over the empty seats, and Julius turns back.

“Plus,” continues A, “Skype and shit.”

“You’ve invested far too much here to not keep up on the gossip,” reasons B. “I shall be your conduit.”

“Now I am become death,” counters A.

Julius doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like buying alcohol in stores that only sell alcohol, or arriving at a party alone, or leaving home so soon after getting back from work, but hey, he’s not staying in for another weekend straight, and fuck, he knows thirtyplus people attending, he can arrive by himself at this age, surely, can make conversation with a whole host of acquaintances, can anecdote with the best of them.

And Harry is going. He hasn’t seen him in weeks. Harry’s been on holiday somewhere with his parents, but will be back by now. He’s caught a few pictures of Harry smiling, drinking, a blog update every week or so, but their chats have been slow, full sentences, predictable and routine. Julius has new music on his phone he specifically wants to play Harry, new statistics and events in world phenomena the two are interested in.

The liquor store is heavily branded, an independent nation sponsored by Woodstock Bourbon and Coke. Deep within the cavernous walk-in fridge, he forgets what he drinks. Weeks of instant coffee, of work-banter filling the scant sunlight, of thirtytab browser windows and active dashboards, they do this to you. Every person in the store seems to hold his eye, craning their necks like silent sparrows. Spotting a familiar bottle of cider, things click into place. He buys it and leaves.

The light is wrong. It spills out of first-floor apartments, taxicab headlights, garden bars, the setting sun a canvas for the rhythms of routine laughter and market speculation. Alone with his thoughts, Julius becomes indulgent and faux-meditative: the future stretches out, long, solitary, but with an end, an arduous fantasy novel in its sixth overly-descriptive chapter.

He dawdles, taking the city in like a tourist, then speeds up, embarrassed. (Stop thinking about yourself, dude.) Seeking detachment, containment, and directions, he gets out his phone.

The world becomes small again. Two texts, both automated. A baseball score. Four pictures from around the diaspora. A sunny morning in Oxford, two minutes ago. Anachronistic technology in Oman, three minutes ago. An afternoon on Venice Beach, seven minutes ago. A freckled face, beaming, again in Oxford, accompanied by a visitor, someone he saw mere weeks editor@salient.org.nz

23

ago, eight minutes ago. Times, places, at once.

He finds his way to the event page, in search of a numbered address. It promises a lot. A 2012 party. A “look back, but not far”. Cute. “Obviously,” the page explained, “the Mayans are an option, but think outside that too.” Julius hadn’t recognised the address, or the hosts names, but enough of his friends were going for it to gain an aura of unmissability.

As he walks, a now-steady pace bringing him both pride and pleasure, the city filters back in. A street magician leers towards a tourist, his clothes comically large, stiffly shaped to a wider man. Three girls unsteadily emerge from a taxi. A homeless woman sits behind a blank cardboard sign, her spread jacket empty of anything but loose tobacco.

He reaches the numbered door, and, shit, he’s been here before. It could have been weeks, years; the door has changed but the buzzer is the same. First floor, a namecard with “swanky apartment” scrawled in sharpie.

“Hello?” asks the buzzer.

“Hi,” replies Julius.

Up the stairs, through the doors, coat off. The space is large, grimy, a concrete clearing with pallet-board bedrooms carved into the borders. The costumes, thankfully, are mostly as lazy as his: a few Mayans, a few Mitts, a single Carly Rae. Overfilled couches litter the room. Julius sees an acquaintance arguing loudly with a stranger, a few feet away, slotting the phrase “postmodern warfare” into every sentence. He approaches.

An hour at speed: a comfortable couch seat, people he can go high-pitched around, powdered gums, gulps of cider, lowlevel misogyny. The room empties and fills, breathing with the rhythms of the smokers who can’t fit around the tiny windows.

Pictures of this group – ad-hoc, but pleasant enough – are made global. Harry doesn’t arrive, but Rob does.

Rob is a constant, part of the concrete.

“Julius. It’s been years.”

“How are you? Tell me about the public service.”

“Vast, bloated, inefficient. A stain upon, you know, the country. I’m currently in a vicious interdepartmental battle with myself. I haven’t picked a winner.”

Rob is interning in several departments at once, filling up coffee cards with consummate ease. Julius smiles, sips his cider, knowing Rob is waiting to elaborate. They hold eye contact briefly.

“What’s the fight? Paper stock? Have you seen Harry?”

“Seating order, at a dinner. Not even an important one, the cold war is over. I can be a real pain. Fucking yo-pros.”

While he replies, Julius checks his phone. A text from Harry, ten minutes ago, “just here”. He starts to look around the room, swearing in an impressed voice whenever Rob pauses. The mood has shifted, the dancers and the sitting now sharply divided, the room as full as it will get.

He excuses himself, and walks towards one of the bedrooms. A curtain screenprinted with Adam Lanza’s face hangs in lieu of a door. Julius peeks in. A large desk, brightly lit by a design-blog lamp, accompanied by a small mattress on the floor, and six very concentrated people, exchanging money. One of them says “no”.

The next is curtainless, so Julius just walks right in. There are at least six fish tanks in here, each sporting a flurry of colour and movement, their tank-lights the room’s only illumination. A double bed is just squeezing into the room, no desk, no chairs, no books. Harry is in – no. That’s not Harry.

“Julius!” says the almost-Harry. “I didn’t think you would come.”

“Wouldn’t miss a party in 2012, shit.” Almost-Harry went to high school with Harry and Julius. He was a year below, but had known Harry from birth.

“No, no definitely not. This is my room!”

As he sits down, the room almost empties. Almost-Harry and his friend Ezra are trying acid for the first time, and Ezra is feeling it a lot more. They sit with Julius in a triangle, cross legged amongst the tanks.

“The stars are singing, the stars are singing, the stars are sing—” “Shut the fuck up,” interrupts almost-Harry. “We’re inside. It’s not working.”

“I tried to read a book, but I was writing it as I read it, my mind was creating new sentences, it fit too well.”

“I really, dude, I really don’t think it’s good enough to make you write a novel. This was forty dollars. Did I take it wrong?

Ezra’s high as shit.”

Julius considers pretending to be knowledgeable about acid. Ezra is spidering his fingers up his own vibrating leg, across to his almost-Harry’s, being swatted away. Almost-Harry is heading in the wrong direction, elliptical now, speaking to Julius like it’s 5am and they’re best friends from high school.

“I’m just...fuck, I hate how this sounds, but I’m really sick of pretending to like so many people.”

24

the body issue

He laughs a little. Ezra chimes in, more confident in sentences now, but having his own conversation.

“Destroyer of worlds. Did you ever see the second Dr. Strangelove? It’s better I think. I don’t know, the message isn’t so heavy handed.”

Almost-Harry waits for him to finish, but continues as if it were a plane passing. They are both staring at their crotches, hard to hear. Julius stands too quickly, splays his arm out for support. He feels no sensation of solidity as his wrist passes through the glass, no cold as the bubbly water explodes onto his arm, nothing until his entire body is shuddering and he’s staring at the gigantic fishes, each with their own sawdust filled puddle, gaping in silence. Almost-Harry screams for three seconds before abruptly rescuing the fish and fetching a towel for Julius.

Texting Harry “are you still coming?”, Julius returns to the centre room. The girls from the bus approach him. They know his name. They’re mocking him for breaking shit, mostly A, but B laughs along. B refers to A as “April”, which fits a little too well, but remains anonymous herself.

“—was easily the event of the party,” repeats April, spitting a little in excited-delivery. “This will forever be the night you managed to kill three fish without breaking the skin.”

“Are they dead? Didn’t he just put them in—” Julius begins.

“Fish don’t bruise well. Gravity isn’t really a part of their daily lives. Well, it is,” she giggles, clears her throat. “But not in, like, the falling sense.”

The song stops, a YouTube ad is muted. Their tone changes. B begins to talk a bit more, holding on to April for support.

“It’s so weird to see you here Julius. Good, though. I can’t believe you weren’t at the leaving party. He said you had work.”

Julius nods, completely lost. Things are moving faster again, the fish tank a small pause, an intermission. Rob, from nowhere, grabs his arm, pulls him away.

“Why did you text me? You knew I was here, we talked.”

He brandishes one of his three phones at Julius, “are you still coming?” in jagged, pixellated text. Rob is rolling, his teeth are at semi-automatic, each pupil a black pool.

“I must, I thought, I have your number as Harry.”

“Oh, shit, right, oh. This is his old phone. Right. I think that’s him over there.”

Rob points to one of the couches. (Why would Harry get a new phone without asking him for advice?) Three girls are clustered around an iPad, their faces a canvas of light. Julius and Rob walk over. Harry is beaming out of it, his face filling the screen, the Wi-Fi unreliable. “2pm!” he proclaims. “So the acid’s working for some people, but not for others? Who else is there?”

Julius turns to Rob, not sure if he wants to talk to Harry in the afternoon. “Fuck, he’s still away? He should be back now, it’s been like a month.”

Rob stops chewing, turns to Julius. Girl A slides past them towards the iPad. “Elizabeth!” Harry exclaims. “What the fuck are you doing at one of my friend’s parties? You’re like, ten, Mum must have had a stroke.”

Rob, once again, grabs Julius, walks him over to almost-Harry. His grip is strong, his steps a bit forceful. Rob likes this – the control, the theatricality – Julius can tell.

“Julius, I know you weren’t at the party, but you know Harry’s doing a whole honours course in Berlin right? Like, at least a year. You were kidding, but with the texts, but—” “Jesus, Julius,” interrupts almost-Harry. “I knew you were self-obsessed, but you had to know he was going. Are you fucking serious? No.”

Julius finds himself on the street, the party now mixing with others from open windows, with the din of taxicabs and teenagers. Of course Harry is gone. The two barely talk, but he remembers the group message now. Julius read half of it on his phone but hadn’t bothered opening it, busy in the middle of a sentence, compartmentalising his entire social life behind a snappy tweet. Then it had just drifted away, forgotten along with all the other things his friends did that had nothing to do with him. Elizabeth emerges.

“What did you come out here to ‘collect your thoughts’? You don’t even smoke.” She laughs a little. “Harry always said you suited smoking far too much to not, like your search for the perfect accessory would finally be over. I think...I think he’ll miss you, Julius, but he already did before he left.”

“It’s probably about time I found a new group of people to miss me.”

“Duh, easiest fucking option. I guess, but a new group of friends doesn’t have to mean whole destruction of the one before.

Moving to Melbourne isn’t going to make any difference to your actual personality, you know? Like you’re still going to have to wake up every day and be yourself.”

Julius smiles, and turns his phone off. l If you have any prose, poetry, photography or design work, we would love to publish it. Send it to us at editor@salient.org.nz editor@salient.org.nz

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FEATURE

BITING BACK CHARLIE WILKINSON

26

the body issue

FEATURE

“Though no one can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new end.” 81 per cent of ten-year-old girls are afraid of being fat. 46 per cent of nine- to 11-year-old girls are “sometimes” or “very often” on diets. Girls are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of nuclear wars, cancer, or losing their parents. It’s the growing ‘trend’ in young girls and women that has often gone unnoticed. These fads such as the ‘thigh gap’ and the collarbones that we are constantly reminded of through forums such as Instagram and Tumblr. A fashion movement where death is success.

Where looking severely malnourished has suddenly become desirable.

This is what we know as ‘Anorexia’.

The problems No one would really understand. “Why don’t you just eat more?” they would ask. But what non-sufferers cannot comprehend is that this demon is not easy to conquer. It is accompanied by associates such as depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorders, to name a few. It’s a mental-health issue that consumes your whole life until you are living and breathing anorexia. As noted by Harvey Simon, Associate Professor of Medicine at Harvard, the primary symptom is major weight loss from excessive and continuous dieting. Your success is waking up in the morning to find your hip-bone is more defined, your 18 km of running has become 20 km. Your hair is falling out, which is confirmed by Simon who describes this as the symptom of ‘thin scalp hair’. You feel so elated inside when people say how thin you are, how worried they are about you, because surely that means you are the skinniest person they have seen in a long time. And that is success. You want to make a statement and to be remembered for how good you look, how prominent your collarbones are, how gaunt your face is. And the fucked-up thing? You are loving every moment, every traumatising moment. And you don’t realise that you could be moments away from death.

There is a constant voice in your head that is always telling you off; don’t eat that, that will make you fat, why are you alive, you’re not good enough, people would be better off without you, can you just leave, get this food out of me, you are poisoning yourself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This voice quickly spirals into a friend you console yourself with, a friend that has a label of depression. “Once dieting starts, the genes get switched on and the whole cascade gets going. It can very quickly escalate and spiral out of control,” says Dr Roger Mysliwiec, Director at Auckland Regional Eating Disorder Services.

The causes What causes this strange, overpowering disease to manifest in one’s mind?

Dysfunctional families are often seen as a root

The anorexia coincides well with this, because both the ano and depression have a mutual self-hate towards you. They think you are not good enough, convince you that this world is not for you. The amount of times that I did not want to be here… the near possibility that it could have happened… There was one doctor’s appointment at the Eating Disorders Clinic which was a close call. It had been a bad week, and my escape was to hurt myself to feel that I was still alive, still breathing, and this was a release that I needed so badly. I had tried so hard to conceal these scars from the beady eyes of the doctors... or else it meant readmission to that prison that is known as hospital. I had literally tried to peel the nonexistent fat off my tiny upper legs. She didn’t notice those though, and the arms were covered with the excuse of “scratches from sport”. But that’s the thing. Anorexia makes you a manipulative liar, who has no reason, no sensibility and no cares apart from your world of food and exercise. It makes you into a person you swore you would never become.

of anorexia. However, research suggests that the cause is more genetic and is not because of upbringing. My family is pretty normal though, and yes, although my parents are divorced, I come from a family full of love, support and good values. Mysliwiec says that there is minimal evidence that the type of family environment one grows up in has a massive influence on the disease. There is plenty of proof that there is a causal link, but it is through genetic predisposition as opposed to societal and environmental factors. These genes include food intake, T h e l i g h t a t t h e e n d anxiousness, and susceptible personality o f t h e t u n n e l traits and wired pathways in the brain. The traits are similar to other mental diseases, like There is a silver lining. This event has made bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. These me discover who I am, how lucky I am to genetic predispositions combined with other have an amazing family, and how much one common factors are the basic cause of this should treasure the small things in life. There are solutions to this disease, and fortunately, disease.

Anorexia is a mental-health disease that most of the complications experienced by coincides with a multitude of health issues. people with anorexia are reversible.

Families and friends can be the building The mental element behind this ‘fad’ is far and beyond worse than any physical detriment. blocks to recovery in encouraging loved ones According to the National Alliance on Mental to seek treatment for this complicated mental Illness, the diagnosis is made when a physician illness. Most people with anorexia can expect recognises the signs, symptoms and patterns to see a decrease in symptoms as we go on of thinking and behaviour that characterise to live meaningful lives. It is better to love this illness. It’s your mind that is the hardest to “It is better to love yourself and live defeat. This is linked with a full life. I am not saying it will be personality, which adds easy, I am telling you it is worth it.” to the causes of anorexia.

The ‘type’ of person tends to be perfectionist, obsessive, anxious yourself and live a full life. I am not saying and highly competitive. “An environment it will be easy, I am telling you it is worth it.

If you or a loved one are experiencing that emphasises high achievement and striving for excellence can bring out a lot of this disease, the first action I would take is perfectionist tendencies and fear of failure in to ask for help. I started with a GP: weekly these predisposed individuals, whose anxiety visits, daily weighings and, most importantly, system gets triggered when they feel they have structure. Student Health can offer free GP made a mistake.” This was me to a tee. Once and nurse appointments if you are enrolled genes, puberty and this kind of personality with them. If you need help immediately, are combined, the dieting and the insta-fit, and are unable to get into institutions such insta-skinny, insta-gram messages are thrown as Eating Disorders Service, their website (www.ed.org.nz) provides helplines and in; it is a recipe for disaster. contact details for somewhere in your region.

The helpline for EDANZ is simple – 0800 Self-harm 2 EDANZ – and all contact is treated with According to The New York Times ‘In-Depth the utmost confidentiality. Their help and Report’, there are associations with eating- support provided me with the mental tools disorder sufferers being at high risk for I needed to help rid me of the illness. Stay depression and suicidal behaviour or attempts. positive. Stay strong. Bite back. l editor@salient.org.nz

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FEATURE

Mah w e r nd

by A

oney

FEATURE

You drool at the sight of it, and feel euphoria when you eat it. Fast foods, sweet treats and savoury snacks are a common naughty treat.

They are cheap, they taste great and are convenient to purchase.

But foods packed with sugar, trans and saturated fats are literally killers. So who is responsible for that? Us, for not being in control of our eating? The fast-food industry, for marketing us deep-fried death? The government, for letting us stuff our gobs? Andrew Mahoney investigates.

Responsibility: Individual vs Companies vs Government

foods. Subsidising healthier foods for those on lower incomes, taxing high-sugar or fatty products or, as an extreme, banning products and businesses. But the problem with these solutions is that they all have a cost. To subsidise healthy meals is to force me and you to pay more in tax. To tax foods and ban foods and businesses is to remove choice and freedom, and our democracies stand for those principles. After all, if you don’t have a choice over something as basic and simple as what you can and can’t put in your mouth and eat, then what freedom do you have? Why should the liberties of the majority be removed to stop the cravings of the minority? It hardly seems fair if we are all equal.

working harder and longer hours, it has become too difficult for people to balance their work-life with healthy eating.

What underpins all of this, and helps to both sustain and increase the number of food-offenders, is the media. Read the newspaper, watch the television, go online – I doubt there has ever been one time we have done any of this without an advert of some sort popping up. The media have made fast foods and junk foods common practice, as they influence what we do with the money we have. This has led to a pervasive culture of accepting fast foods and processed foods as a staple in our diets.

The media, coupled with our busy lifestyles and the high costs for healthy foods, have resulted in this high-sugar and high-fat Western diet, that results not only in increasing obesity, but also diabetes, cardiovascular disease and the increased risks of heart attacks.

One of the sticking points in the obesity debate is political – lobby groups, politicians and citizens have been calling for action for years. Gareth Morgan has advocated putting a tax on unhealthy foods. Fizz, a lobby group, has called for the banning of fizzy drinks. And even in New York, the size of these beverages has been restricted to 500 mL in an attempt to reduce people drinking them. The question then must be asked: do we truly have the right to eat what we please, or does the government have some role in deciding?

There are those who blame the individual, Solutions as they see it as the consumers’ choices which lead to obesity. This is true in There are plenty of solutions part. All of us have purchased “Students could take the time to to this problem, including: a chocolate bar when there was make a Thai salad, but lining up increasing exercise; making a perfectly healthy apple next exercise compulsory in the at McDonald’s is far easier.” to it. We are all inclined to workplace and schools for an purchase our desires, if we have hour a day; and subsidising the money to do so, and this means that if we Convenience vs Price and the Media healthier foods for families on low incomes. favour chocolate over fruit and vegetables we One solution that is currently of interest to will buy it. The need to feed families on small When it comes to the choice between healthy New Zealand is a tax. incomes makes the task of eating healthy but time-intensive meals and cheap but Simply, this is a tax on foods that either particularly difficult: fatty foods are cheaper fast ones, people will always chose what is have a high percentage of fats or high levels than their healthier counterparts. convenient and cheap. Students could take of sugar. It works to make these foods more But in a capitalist society, businesses want the time to make a Thai salad, but lining expensive and thus curb the amount of these to make a profit. In order to make profits, up at McDonald’s is far easier. If it is more foods purchased. Taxes like this have existed: businesses need to charge a price to cover all convenient to purchase a meal already made, there was a fat tax in Denmark, there is one the costs. So, if it costs more for a business we will do it; same as if it’s cheaper. in Japan and there are soda taxes (taxing fizzy to produce organic foods, and it is likely to Individuals with low incomes or low wealth drinks based on their sugar content) currently be more profitable for them to sell processed are more likely to suffer the health problems in place in Norway and Mexico. These taxes, foods, you can guess which ones they’ll associated with the consumption of bad however, have been hard to continue; in fact, produce. Yet, there is a disconnect between foods. And sadly, this is the case: according Denmark’s fat tax only lasted one year due to the food we should eat (healthy foods) and to the latest New Zealand Health Survey, the perceived effect it had on the economy the food that is readily and cheaply available “Obesity rates are significantly higher among and jobs. But nonetheless, this policy was for us. What should be produced in large New Zealanders living in socioeconomically seen to have worked during the time it was quantities is not being produced, because deprived areas”. One group most affected implemented. A fat tax has recently been society demands the fatty foods we crave. by this are Pacific Islanders; according suggested by Gareth Morgan, and has since This leads on to the idea that the to the same report, “Pacific adults have gained interest from the Greens. government is to blame for the problem. comparatively high rates of obesity (68 per Instead of playing the blame game, we Some people believe that is ultimately the cent) and diagnosed diabetes (13 per cent)”. should realise that our obesity problem government’s responsibility to ensure that What also used to be common practice isn’t any one group’s fault. Governments, their citizens are healthy and well-fed. If the of meals being made from scratch has been businesses and individuals should realise that government wants to make more people overtaken with the reheating of microwave everyone needs to do their part if we are going eat healthier, it is argued, they should enact meals or a purchase from takeaway and to knock out the fat. l policies to ensure people eat the correct delivery stores. With more individuals editor@salient.org.nz

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SPORT

Sports banter with sammy p T h e M as t e r s

E

ven those who don’t follow golf closely can appreciate the Masters. Played on the same course every year, the tournament represents the best in golf: a pristine course, the first major championship of the year, and that legendary green jacket. Like any year, this week’s contest marks some classic battles and a thousand reasons for sports fans to look forward to those magical four days at Augusta.

Firstly, let’s talk Tiger. His record is exquisite. 14 majors, 106 professional wins, and a total of 677 weeks as world number one. The pressure that Woods is under every time he takes to the course is tenfold to anyone else. His on-course opponents are at times hostile – Sergio García is unsympathetic and slightly racist, Adam Scott is intimidatingly competitive, especially with his douchebag caddy Steve Williams, and Phil Mickelson enjoys playing the ‘good guy’ card, happily capitalising on Tiger’s moral mishaps of recent times.

Furthermore, factions within the golfing community have taken an aggressive stand against Tiger in the last four years or so, and the media have been putting the golfing icon under growing pressure ever since that infamous car crash in 2009. Like any major in recent years, this week stands as a golden but pressure-cooker opportunity for Tiger to return to former glory and win back the respect of those less-sympathetic characters in the golfing world.

30

the body issue

Then we have the Australian duo. Adam Scott is the current Masters Champion and the first-ever Aussie to earn the green jacket.

He joins his fellow countryman Jason Day in the top four of the world golf rankings as of today. However, Adam Scott is seemingly a master in choking, and Day stands as the only other Australian who has a credible chance of claiming the title, meaning that the chances of two straight Australian winners are severely weakened.

Any professional golf tournament is incredibly hard to predict, but let me tell you where the smart money is. In recent memory, the English contestants haven’t had much to celebrate; in the past 21 years, only one Englishman has won a major (Justin Rose won the US Open in Pennsylvania last year). Compare that to the USA with 29 champions in the past two decades, South Africa with five, Australia with four, and Northern Ireland with three. Even New Zealand, Fiji and Zimbabwe have the same major record as England since 1993 (with Michael Campbell, Vijay Singh and Nick Price winning major championships). However, the English contingent at this year’s Masters Tournament are a collective Lion waiting to roar. Luke Donald, Ian Poulter, Justin Rose and Lee Westwood share 84 professional wins and have all finished at least third in major championships in their careers, representing a worthy competitiveness and a collective ability to challenge the world’s best. The law of averages tells us that the ages from 30 to 35 are the most successful years for a professional golfer, but Poulter, Donald, Westwood and Rose range between the ages of 33 and 40, symbolising a healthy balance between hardened experience and physical peak-fitness. Nick Faldo remains the only Englishman to ever win at the Augusta National Golf Club, but the four English lynchpins at the Masters this weekend have a genuine chance of reviving England’s golfing mojo. *We received late news that Tiger Woods was forced to pull out of The Masters due to a back injury. Pity that.

The Masters, Live on SS4, from 7 am onwards from Friday to Monday. My top three contenders: Lee Westwood, Justin Rose, Matt Kuchar. Ollie Ritchie’s top four picks: Adam Scott, Zach Johnson, Jason Day, Hideki Matsuyama.

Top 5 sports

scandals: . Oscar Pistorius: The South African sprint runner with synthetic legs won the adoration of the world when he competed in the 2012 Summer Olympics, before crashing into controversy for shooting and killing his wife, Reeva Steenkamp. But hey, we should give him a break – Pistorius isn’t the first man to get legless before blowing his load, mistaking his wife for someone else.

5

. Caster Semenya: Is it a girl? Is it a boy? Well, apparently it’s a bit of both. I’m not really sure how that works, but the gender-test results of the former 800-metre world champion and Olympic silver medallist certainly made for some interesting headlines.

4

. 2000 Spanish Paralympic basketball team: There was no doubt that the Spanish team were by far the best side in the intellectual-disability basketball competition at the 2000 Paralympics.

However, the fact that ten out of the 12 competitors in the Spanish team were in no way disabled does considerably undermine their victory. Apparently, Spain just ‘wanted to win something’.

3

. John Terry: Whether it’s sleeping with teammates’ partners, being racist to on-field opponents, making dodgy deals with undercover journos, or bottling nightclub bouncers, the Chelsea captain has ticked most of the boxes in the ‘how to be a prick’ guide.

2

. The Hand of God: Great players get away with seemingly illegal behaviour – you make your own luck. Is Richie on his feet? Probably not. Does Nadal keep within time restrictions? No. So it’s no surprise that Diego Maradona got away with a retrospectively blatant handball to give Argentina the edge over England in the 1986 FIFA World Cup quarterfinals.

1

COLUMN

THE SWEET SCOOP With Julia Wells

I

love lamingtons. I really do. The jelly/chocolate outer layer, the soft sponge in the middle, the sweetness and dryness offset by fresh cream, and the final garnish of a dab of jam. Pretty perfect.

Whenever I’m at a bakery, it will be a lamington that I choose.

Despite this, I’d never tried to make them: I’d assumed that they were difficult and timeconsuming. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Starting with sponge, cut into cubes, the creation process is closer to kindergarten fingerpainting than to careful cake decoration. The finished lamingtons look amazing and taste amazing – in an entirely different league to your usual supermarket offerings.

They are richer, softer, far more flavourful, and are totally delightful. Piled onto a plate, and served with a cup of tea, these can’t be beaten.

Lamingtons makes 9 (4 jelly, 5 chocolate) 1 sponge, 17 cm x 17 cm* ½ packet raspberry jelly ½ cup water 1 cup icing sugar 2 tablespoons cocoa powder ¼ cup milk ¾ cup cream jam, raspberry or strawberry desiccated coconut Make the jelly, using half a jelly packet and half a cup of boiling water (this should be twice the strength indicated on the packet).

Chill until cold and slightly thickened. Make the chocolate icing by mixing cocoa powder

and icing sugar, then slowly adding milk while mixing until smooth. Fill another bowl with coconut. Cut the sponge into 9 cubes, about 4 cm per side. If the sponge has a thick crust, remove this, as it absorbs less well.

Take each cube, dip each side into the jelly or chocolate mixture, then roll in coconut.

Place on a wire rack and leave for half an hour.

Whip the cream, and slice each lamington diagonally from one corner to about halfway through. Fill with cream. This is easily done by pouring the whipped cream into a plastic bag, cutting a small hole in one corner, and piping it. Top each lamington with a dab of jam. Eat the same day. *You can use a bought or homemade sponge here.

Conspiracy Corner “E v e ry t h i ng T ry i ng T o K i l l Y ou ”

By Incognito Montoya

R

eaders, you know that phenomenon when something you like suddenly becomes popular and it suddenly becomes less interesting to you? To the point where any mention of it just infuriates you more?

We conspiracy theorists are no less immune to that feeling. In my case, I have a chronic gripe with medical conspiracies.

Earlier this month, a study from the University of Chicago revealed that 49 per cent of Americans believe in some kind of medical conspiracy. The three most popular being: the radiation from cellphones gives you cancer; vaccinating your child will give them autism; and GM foods are deliberately shrinking the population. These are the rare strains of conspiracies that everybody has an opinion on, because everyone owns a body and cares about what goes into or comes out of it. What’s more bizarre is the reasoning.

You have to trust the logic of science (thing

A causes thing B) but simultaneously distrust the authority it comes from.

Now, you’d think that if I stared at that line of reasoning too long I might be out of a job, but this isn’t the fault of any authority as most conspiracies are. Medical conspiracies happen when people take their isolated cases and start compiling a case against the authority, at which point anyone immune to reason becomes a carrier for the idea. To quote Agent K: “The person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it!”

The amount of scientific literacy in the world is in a tailspin, until it can be spun for news: then, suddenly everyone’s an expert. Every health story tells you there is something killing you, and what you can eat/ do/insert into yourself to delay the spectre of death. Science is just a process to arrive at a conclusion, not a gospel that you use to claim

you’re living better than everyone else. There’s no special place in Hell for those who don’t juice their vegetables.

What’s worse is that these lines of thinking can put lives at risk. Take the vaccination issue. Measles was thought to be eliminated in the United States, but thanks to ‘anti-vaxxers’ trying to ‘protect’ their children from autism, a measles outbreak has occurred in New York.

I’m all for conspiracies when they serve to shame an institution or kick someone off a pedestal, but I can’t abide when they impact the lives of innocents, especially children.

I compel you, from the bottom of my pigvalve heart: do yourself a favour and gain some basic scientific literacy. Vaccines only work when everybody gets them, so take a shot of sense so we can end the plague of ignorance in as few generations as possible.

Incognito out.

editor@salient.org.nz

31

COLUMN

S h i rt & Sw e e t w i t h E l e a n o r M e rt o n y o u r w e e k ly c o l u m n o n h ow t o b e a n n oy e d but still cute.

F

irst off, congratulations for having made it this deep into Salient. No really, congrats. It’s a long way. Uncharted territory and what have you. Being such a dark and scary place, I just wanted to kind of reassure you a bit. First off, I just wanted to say that if you don’t have a vagina, I’m really sorry and I want you to know that you are truly valued even if you, my favourite reader, can’t really participate in what I, my favourite columnist, am writing about this week.

Which incidentally is periods. I am writing about periods. Graphically. So if that’s not your buzz, you should not stray into this zone. Here be proverbial dragons. Big, red, bloody dragons that come from vaginas and that society doesn’t really like talking about.

On with the show.

A big part of being shirty is not giving

32

the body issue

a fuck about what other people think, and this can be very hard to do, especially when it comes to dealing with the kind of ridiculous fleshy mucus-house that passes for a body. I understand this. Believe me I do.

The fluids, the noises, the stuff that grows, the endless possibilities for malfunction; bodies are goddamn hard to make cute. But dear friends, it is achievable, and we don’t even have to resort to vajazzling. (Not that I in anyway condemn vajazzling, and if you do have any photos of what you consider successful vajazzling, do feel free to email them to Cam and Duncan and you might win letter of the week! If you can use the word ‘vajazzling’ as many times as I have in a paragraph, it’s pretty much a guaranteed win.)

H ow

Be Unhygienic But Still Cutest Thing Since They H o l e s i n P l as t i c a n d C a l l e d T h e m B u t to n s to

the

Put

Imagine you are a beautiful creature. You are literally the best-looking thing in a 100 km radius. You know this. Everyone knows this.

And yet the beautiful beautiful structure that is your body is allegedly letting you down.

It is punishing you for not having fulfilled your evolutionary duty. For yet another month, you have failed to begin the process of putting another ridiculous fleshy mucushouse on this planet which can then produce more fleshy mucus-houses until the planet is eventually overrun. And for this shortcoming, gore is dripping from your bits (and by bits I mean Bits.) There’s also pain. Which you’re not even allowed to complain about because someone might not like knowing that you are in fact a reproductively capable being. Aside from the pain, which truthfully is not a thing for everyone, we need to talk about how uncute it is to have to spend money on tampons.

I mean that shit is not even subsidised. Your body is letting you down because it just won’t let you ignore this. It is forcing you to shower possibly more frequently than you would otherwise. It’s taking your money and making you censor yourself about your own pain and your own lived experience. It’s really shoving this in your face and messing up your vibe for five to seven days out of every month.

This is a truly important issue. Do you think cavewomen cared about whether or not other cavepeople thought they were gross? I think not. And cavewomen were cute for sure. I mean, I wasn’t there, but there’s something about the kind of complete abandon involved in not caring about anything past continuing your existence for a few more hours that just really floats my boat. And this is why it should be okay for you to do whatever the fuck you want with your own body. It should be okay for you to do that even if other people don’t like it because actually, it’s none of their business.

It should be okay for you talk about it heaps and still have it not be any of their business.

It should be okay to have a trail of blood dripping from your vagina.

Imagine your beautiful-creature-ness once again. But imagine that beauty enhanced by a trail of majestic red, marking your passage through the world in a tangible, visceral way.

Imagine feeling a complete absence of shame about this. Imagine complete freedom.

Imagine the money saved in your nonpurchase of tampons. Imagine going about your daily life with nothing getting between you and your vibe, your valued contribution to society. Imagine how your beautifulcreature-ness has developed exponentially. I mean, it’s cute to be confident, right? Any glossy, purportedly ‘women’s’ magazine will tell you that. Imagine a glorious, gleeful, loud, Menstruation Celebration.

SEX

The Bone Zone W I T H C U P I E H O ODW I N K Hi Cupie, My boo and I to

i n c o r p o r at e

bedroom. a

h av e a lway s l o v e d

This

va r i e t y

I’d

never

of

food

i n to

u s ua l ly

sweet

r e a l ly

the

i n v o lv e s

condiments.

thought

about

g o i n g d ow n t h e sav o r y r o u t e , b u t r e c e n t ly h e c o n f e ss e d o n e o f h i s b i g g e s t f a n tas i e s i s t o p u t a n e g g i n t o m y va g i n a a n d e at i t o u t . hearing

this

I

was

g r o ss e d t h e f u c k o u t .

Upon

i m m e d i at e ly

Yet I

tried

n o t t o l e t t h at s h ow o n m y f a c e

(respecting

h i s f e e l i n g s e tc . )

Yet

a f t e r s o m e c a r e f u l c o n s i d e r at i o n

I’m

thinking

I

m ay j u s t b e d ow n , i t

c a n ’ t h u rt … c a n i t ?

N

ow I’m not one to get easily flustered, but I must say, your question left me a little scrambled!

Like you, I too had heard of whipped cream, chocolate sauce and the like being used to sweeten the deal, but not so much on the

savoury front. Not wanting to be caught with egg on my face, I plundered the depths of the internet to assist me in cracking your query.

That research took me to some very strange corners of the world wide web (think: Russian performance art in which woman steals a whole, raw chicken from the supermarket in her vagina) – but I digress, we are here to talk about you and your egg, because that’s what came first.

Now, while I’m delighted to see that your boo is getting well and truly into the Easter spirit, it is with a very heavy heart that I have to tell you that your lady garden just isn’t the best place to host an egg hunt.

Whether it’s fried, boiled, poached or scrambled, putting that thing anywhere near your foof is bad news, it would seem. Go down the cooked route (fried, poached, scrambled, omelette) and you risk ending up with wayward egg trapped out of the reaches of your boo’s tongue. Add oil to the mix, which would trap bits of egg and bacteria against the skin, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for infection.

Unfortunately, leaving the shell on (raw, softboiled, hard-boiled) isn’t much better. Not only will this all but ruin your man’s plans of eating it out, but if it gets stuck up there – which is not unheard of – it’s going to take a lot more than an army of toast soldiers to get it back out again. In short, it don’t matter how your boyfriend likes his eggs in the morning, because the only time mixing vagina with egg is a good idea is when we’re talking fertilised.

In fact, even your sweet condiments may be doing more harm than good. A sugary, warm environment is the perfect place for yeast to flourish – and I’m not talking the baking kind.

But, that’s not to say you have to relegate all your favourite foods to the pantry – there are plenty of safe ways to mix the culinary with the carnal!

Feed each other a feast of your favourite aphrodisiacs. Cover each other (waist upwards) in your favourite dessert treats – chocolate

sauce, whipped cream, sprinkles, cherries – and then lick it all off, like it’s the Valentines dessert buffet on Viagra.

If savoury’s more your style, make like Stephanie Key and use your body as a sushi platter instead.

Use solid, phallic fruits and veges in lieu of a dildo – ones that won’t break apart or get stuck, like carrots, bananas (peel on) and cucumbers.

Make sure you wash them well beforehand though, and never use them more than once.

Eat a cheeseburger while having sex: the additional pleasure hormones your brain releases when you eat fatty and salty foods are said to make for one hell of an orgasm (not to mention the body-affirming glory of eating fast food while being pleasured). Just beware the choking hazard!

Bon appetit, Cupie xx Tip of the week:

T

here’s a huge range of delicious lubes out there that are perfectly safe to use on any part of your body. With flavours as diverse as Cookies & Cream and Big Banana, picking your favourite will be harder than at Kaffee Eis. Most sex stores have testers so you can try before you buy – or just satisfy your sweet tooth next time you’re on Cuba St. Got Ask

a burning question for her

about

all

Cupie?

m at t e r s

of

t h e h e a rt … a n d o t h e r r o m a n t i c organs

a n o n y m o u s ly

at

as k . f m /

C u pi e H o o dw i n k Got

a b u r n i n g s e n sat i o n i n y o u r

nether

H e a lt h

regions?

p o p i n to t h e i r and

Give Student 463 5308, o r c l i n i c s at K e l b u r n

a call on

Pipitea.

editor@salient.org.nz

33

COLUMN

H istory Th at H as n ’ t Happe ned Y e t Every-Body Hurts, Sometimes.

I

worry about bodies. I worry about my own. I worry about the bodies of friends.

It seems odd to worry about something so ever-present. Something so disgusting because yeah, bodies are pretty fucking gross. The human anatomy can single-handedly consume things, produce liquid – or maybe children, reject things, grow hair, grow hard, grow old and decompose, all by itself. But what’s even more perplexing to me is not the function of nose hair, but the way we’ve come to think about our bodies not for these physical anomalies but what they represent to us.

Weir d inter ne t sh i t Wi th H e n ry & P h i l i p

H

ave you ever, during the course of an epic 32 tab porn binge, after giving the matter a great deal of academic thought, wondered what makes other people’s erogenous zones tick?

Ever wondered whether you’re alone in your predilection when you half-guiltily type ‘naked lesbian smear choc-mocha cake on each others armpits’ in that Incognito tab? Wonder no more: the brains/genitals behind the ‘Pornhub’ empire have embarked on their most addictive project yet with the arrival of PornMD’s ‘Live Search’.

The Live Search compiles requests fed into the porn-engines owned by Pornhub like ‘RedTube’ and ‘YouPorn’, which this correspondent swears

34

the body issue

The ‘idea’ of our bodies wreaks havoc with our imagination and self-perception. This physical assessment of ‘what we are’ didn’t arrive with Photoshop and fat-shaming, it didn’t sneak in with the therapy-inducing 21st century: it’s been there from the beginning.

As soon as Adam and Eve were aware they had sexual organs, people became wary of what their bodies said about them and what their bodies meant. Sure, the message changed, but the practice of judging your own bag-of-bones according to a wider rhetoric stayed the same.

Should a tanned, emaciated woman be a Victoria’s Secret model? Because she was considered of lower class and poor in 19thcentury France for working outside.

Should that ‘plus-size’ model wear such revealing clothing? Because they were selling Wate-On, a product to avoid being skinny, up until the 1960s with ads remarking: “easily help you look better by adding desired pounds”.

Should we idolise Beyoncé for being a curly-headed goddess? Because other AfricanAmerican women were told to bleach their skin and straighten their hair for most of the 20th century.

The concepts of what bodies are and what

they should mean are rendered a little less pervasive when we consider how different they have been seen by people throughout different times in history. They have been things of possession during slavery in Egypt, they’ve been the object of medical experiments in Nazi Germany, they’ve seen objectification, sexualisation, reverence, virginal holiness, and embodied power, weakness, beauty and strength. The list should do more than remind us that views of the body have changed throughout history: they should show how so much of what we feel about ourselves is imaginary, a façade, what they want you to think.

The past shows us that people aren’t going to stop telling you what your body is and what to do with it any time soon. But doesn’t it make you feel a little better to know this has all happened before? The human body as an ideal has always been in flux. History isn’t sure if your thighs are too big or too small, too long or too short, too pale or too dark. History doesn’t know if that moustache is a symbol of masculinity, prestige or post-adolescent wankery. History can’t make up its mind.

no previous knowledge of, and relays them back to you in real time in an endlessly scrolling list. There are three categories to choose from – straight, gay and the dreadfully named ‘shemale’ – and the sordid porn browsers of the world do the rest. As you read this, someone somewhere in the world is likely gettin’ their sweet, juicy release in the form of a video entitled ‘redhead milf fucked by nineteen [!] cocks’.

While many of the searches are pedestrian (‘hot teen fucked’, ‘pussy licked then fucked’, ‘jenna jameson anal’, ‘cute twink fucks himself with dildo’ et al.), the hilarity – and fascination – of the website stems from the more perverse requests. It would seem there are a lot of unresolved Oedipus complexes out there. While I haven’t seen ‘procreation with his mother and emasculating his father simultaneously xxx hot fuck’ typed in yet, ‘mom fucks son’ and ‘dad fucks daughter’ are alarmingly common. I mean, no judgment, but ICK. My two favourite searches? The runner-up award goes to a very deserving ‘masturbating facing mecca’, but the gold goes to ‘Sexy aunt orange in asshole’. That raises two questions – does the person who typed it have a very specific sexual bugaboo, or were they trying to find a previously seen video that they found themselves

very aroused by? Regardless of the answer, the website exists as a testament to the breadth of humanity’s sexual quirks, imagination, creativity and general grossness. Utterly enthralling, and weirdly wonderful.

by Nicola Braid

http://www.pornmd.com/live-search This week I have neglected my studies, alienated my friends and forgot completely about my chores. I even incurred the Salient editors’ wrath by handing in this column late, resulting in them barking amusingly like bull-seals. And you know why? (Why man?) No, not because I got high – at least not on weed. I have devoted the last week to a stupid, asinine and addictive video game that doubles as pixellated, Tetris-y crack cocaine. 2048 is its name and getting you hooked is its game, and it achieves it with cunning simplicity and appalling ease. Bow down before it, [gendered slurs]. I’m sorry in advance. http://gabrielecirulli.github.io/2048/

by Philip McSweeney

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editor@salient.org.nz

35

If

MUSIC

y o u wa n t to w r i t e a b o u t

t h e a rt s , o r t h i n k t h e r e i s

something we should review, e m a i l a rt s @ s a l i e n t . o r g . n z .

ARTS Online at salient.org.nz this week An interview with Tom from @ peace by Liam Kennedy, featuring Twitter drama with Lorde, a discussion of determinism, and the answer “I need something horrible to happen.”

Also, follow us on Twitter! @ Salient_Music. We haven’t had any beef with Lorde yet, but here’s hoping.

Album we didn’t have space to review Cloud Nothings – Here and Nowhere Else A lot like Attack on Memory, to be honest, but that isn’t really a bad thing.

Free download of the week Banks – Brain (Ta-Ku remix) From the Australian who brought us that excellent ‘Girls Love Beyonce’ remix last year, a menacing rework of this Banks track.

For more updates follow @salient_music

36

the body issue

Tokyo Police Club: Forcefield

Mac Demarco – Salad Days

Album Review by Gou

Album Review by Nat Newton

I

C

f you were expecting something more ‘mature’ or ‘refined’ from Tokyo Police Club in 2014 – don’t. The indie-pop band hasn’t made the same musical leaps and bounds as, for instance, Foals, but have remained incredibly comfortable with their sound. Not just comfortable – nostalgic, like, 2004 nostalgic.

Many of the tracks could come straight out of The OC soundtrack, possibly Gossip Girl’s. Maybe not in a momentous kissing scene à la Ryan and Marissa at New Year’s, but definitely for a landscape montage of Newport Beach. Packed with the chill and predictable guitar riffs we all love, Forcefield starts off with what are arguably the three best songs put into one eight-minute track.

‘Argentina’ (Parts I, II and III) is not some endless prog-rock build-up, but rather three separate tracks one after the other.

The longest song by Tokyo Police Club, for comparison, is a paltry four minutes, so there’s absolutely no danger of being struck by mid-song malaise.

If there were to be a song which showed the most development by the band, it would be ‘Beaches’. A more sophisticated bass line opens up the song with clean synth throughout – it’s a nice refresher cleverly put midway through the album. Forcefield’s single, ‘Hot Tonight’, is the quintessential Canadian boy-band song that you’d be looking for in an album like this. Lyrics about drinking in the park, staring at the stars, and everything else you remember from being 14.

Overall, don’t expect anything grand or groundbreaking – but for a feel-good album that stands out in the sea of bedroom producers, for an album you know you’re going to smile at a little cringefully during parts, Forcefield is worth a listen.

anadian-born Mac Demarco is a standout in the slacker-indie-rock genre, usually overpopulated by Wavves worshippers and FIDLAR fanboys. His first album 2 was an amiable affair, layered with tongue-in-cheek musings about women and cigarettes. Salad Days is an excellent follow-up, with a growing maturity resulting in a tighter, more cohesive album with all the appeal of previous releases.

Demarco’s conceptual approach to this project is well reflected in his lyrics – the biggest improvement in his game. Salad Days is the narrative of the self-aware scallywag who is utterly content with his lot. Mac Demarco is a man who eschews the 9-to-5 grind, where “you’re better off dead” (‘Brother’), in favour of the things “Mom don’t know” (‘Passing out Pieces’).

Despite the “leave me alone, man” vibes throughout every track, Salad Days possesses a remarkable honesty. Constant loitering, partying and experiences have “taken their toll,” a fact Demarco isn’t afraid to chronicle in the memories presented on this album. Underlying all of this is an effective use of humour that ensures the music doesn’t get too dark. ‘Goodbye Weekend’ sums up the intent of this album perfectly: “sometimes rough, but mostly I’m doing fine.”

Sonically, Salad Days isn’t too far removed from the recognisable jangly, reverb-drenched, loafing jaunt from his previous release 2. It’s ultimately very comfortable with itself. But with the maturation of his lyrics also comes a more polished sound. The lead breaks that propelled the melody forward so well on his previous releases is still there, but the backing tracks feel more involved. The use of a synth to lead ‘Chamber of Reflection’ is an appreciated gesture at changing things up, but is an example of an awry experiment in creativity. That said, moments like these bring a nice change of pace from an album that would be almost hyperactive if it wasn’t so grounded in its own nonchalance.

Salad Days is Demarco’s best, most honest work to date. A charmer.

FILM

Q

et

A

Reviewed by Charlotte Doyle Interview with Pierre Rochefort A chat with the objectively dreamy Pierre Rochefort, star of French film Going Away.

C: When did you decide you wanted to be an actor?

P:At 26. I’m 32 now. I forbid myself for years to be in the industry because both my parents are, but I’m a shy guy and was told to do drama school. It was revolutionary.

C: What is the most fun part of your job?

P: Kissing is so awkward, with so many people staring at you. In Going Away, all my friends were jealous because my co-star is really attractive.

C: What is the hardest part about being an actor?

P: The mental process. You have to be proactive. I play the ukulele...

C: Why the ukulele?

P: Well I thought it would be easy learning, but its so complicated! My fingers just won’t... do things right.

C: Do you ever watch your own films?

P: I’m going to have to. Its so uncomforting hearing your own voice.

C:What song makes you cry?

P: All songs in Les Misérables.

C: If you could play any role in any movie, what would it be?

P: E.T. vs Alien, directed by Peter Jackson.

C: Is it amusing when American actors fake French accents?

P: Brad Pitt is terrible.

C: Do you eat snails?

P: No, gross; I prefer frogs and boogers.

C: If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

P: Protein bars; if I’m gonna die anyway I may as well make it last.

C: Have you ever been to NZ?

P: No, but it’s been my childhood dream; I’m sensitive about landscapes.

C:Would you ever bungy-jump?

P: I’m not into extreme sensations.

C:Who’s your celebrity crush?

P: Ryan Gosling, he would make me doubt my sexuality.

Interview with Yves Yersin Listening to Yves Yersin: the acclaimed Swiss director of Blackboard (Tableau noir), recently shown in the French Film Festival touring the country. When we met, I was told I talk too “Kiwi” and to speak more American; here is what followed: C: Have you ever been to New Zealand before?

Y: No, arrived yesterday evening and am afraid about it, there is safety everywhere. I don’t identify with it.

C: Do you prefer to make documentaries or feature films?

Y: I don’t see any difference between a documentary and a fiction film. Both tell stories. Except in the first case it is from a life that exists, in fiction from a life you invent.

C: Was there a journey that led you to creating Blackboard?

Y: To tell a story you need conflict, and in this school there was no conflict; it was an idle school and we could only agree with everything going on there, hoping a crisis would appear. One did. Somebody started to invent things about the teacher and spread rumours, which was a little thing in the beginning but became bigger and bigger, so the story that I wanted to tell was completely buried. I never thought this would happen.

C: Was it intended to be about the educational process in the school?

Y: I realised I didn’t know what was happening with my own son at school, and that parents do not know what their children are doing other than little facts. This was the original story. When you put your child into school you are leaving them to live a totally different life and if you try to approach it as a parent you can destroy it.

C: Achieving a balance between independence and balance?

Y: Yes, independence… If you talk with the teachers, they will all tell you that the worst enemies are the parents. School is a public service, but the problem is the parents are paying to put the children in the school, and feel they know how to manage their children better. But this is a big problem because this is not their job and they should let go.

C: It was a very small community that you filmed?

Y: The school was on a mountain 1400 metres high. They asked this teacher to come because he knew how to ski. He was more than just a teacher. He played the organ in the church on Sunday even though he was an atheist, for the people who believed.

C: What was the most rewarding part of directing this film?

Y: First, we haven’t talked about the movie.

The clothing of the story is in the fabric of the film. It was very difficult to make a film about this school without speaking about it closing, because the people who were against the professor and his methods didn’t want to work with me, which made it impossible.

C: That must be so frustrating...

Y: No, if you see the film, the result is in it; however, the cause is not and we explained the cause. You only have to watch it now.

The movie is actually about transmitting knowledge not only from the teacher to the child but between one child to another and from the child to himself.

editor@salient.org.nz

37

BOOKS

WHALES AND DOLPHINS OF AO T E A ROA N E W Z E A LA N D Barbara Todd T e P a p a P r e ss

by

Reviewed by Nina Powles

R

eading non-fiction is different from reading fiction in a is the science. Todd writes simply and engagingly about different whole lot of ways, but above all: non-fiction books often depth zones of the ocean where whales feed, the first whale-like serve up a visual feast. Whales and Dolphins of Aotearoa New fossils, the neurobiology of echolocation, why humpback whales Zealand is a beautiful book that does this and much more. It’s really ‘sing’, and loads more. She also devotes a whole chapter produced by Te Papa Press, an important to mass strandings, a strange phenomenon and often overlooked publishing company what really jumps out from each page is more unique to our country than most that has been producing books on New the photographs. One particularly eerie people realise.

Zealand history, culture, art and science black-and-white picture shows a Russian But what really jumps out from each since 1998. Their books often seem to whaling fleet anchored in Wellington page is the photographs. One particularly Harbour in 1958 at night. Many show double as curated works of art. eerie black-and-white picture shows what few people have ever seen and lived For any non-fiction and natural-history to tell the tale: the full body of a live a Russian whaling fleet anchored in geek (like me), this book is a joy to behold.

Wellington Harbour in 1958 at night. whale underwater.

Researched and written by Barbara Todd, Many show what few people have ever seen the chapters traverse New Zealand time and space to chart a series and lived to tell the tale: the full body of a live whale underwater. of important connections: between the earth and the ocean, the As can be said for much of our country’s natural environment, ocean and whales, and finally between humans and whales. Todd whales really are a part of our landscape, history and identity, covers all kinds of whale-related stories of New Zealand history and have been for thousands of years. Whether you want to delve and contemporary culture, from whaling in the 1800s to Paikea into the biology and natural history, read about our rich history, who rode on the backs of humpback whales. My favourite part or just look at the pictures – this book is a true gem.

BOOKS WE THINK EVERYONE SHOULD READ, #3 Bridget Jones’s Diary by Helen Fielding

LETTER OF THE WEEK Gertrude Stein to Ernest Hemingway, March 1922

By Abi Smoker Out of every literary heroine, I would most want Bridget Jones to be my friend in real life. Even though she is very dysfunctional, loves the Chardonnay a little bit too much and relies on a packet of cigarettes to get her through the day, she is warm, loyal, witty and best of all absolutely hilarious. Throughout the three novels following Bridget’s many ‘urban family’ summits and calculations regarding weight, alcohol units and calories, we empathise with Bridget during her many catastrophes. She is the non-judgmental friend who has probably experienced your most embarrassing moments and then some. Even though she is forever trying to be a more sophisticated, glamorous, intellectual version of herself, I’d just like to say, in the words of Mark Darcy – Bridget, “I like you very much. Just as you are.”

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the body issue

“Dear you, fuck you.”

THEATRE

A N INT E RVI E W W ITH S A C H A COPLAND

by Rose Cann R: How does Java Dance Company operate? Where do you practice? How was the company formed?

S: Java Dance Company is a professional dance company. We tour shows to festivals in NZ and Australia, regularly fulfil commissions, tour schools, and lots of other things too. We rehearse at Toi Poneke Wellington Arts Centre (and sometimes at the bus depot!) The company was formed in 2003 by myself as a fresh graduate of the NZ School of Dance at the tender age of 21, with Rosie Christie, Melanie Golding and Yasmine Ganley (all graduates of dance school too). I’m the only original founder left, and now we employ the next generation of dancers.

R: Who’s involved with the Company and with the performance? What age range are the dancers?

S: We have a company of core dancers – Emma Coppersmith, Michael Gudgeon, Sarah Gatzonis and Lauren Carr – with NZSD student Demi-Jo Manalo joining us for the season and for the Edinburgh tour.

Ages range from 20–32. Two dancers will have their 21st birthdays on tour this year.

R: How long has this show been in rehearsal?

S: Back of the Bus premiered in Wellington in 2008. Since then we’ve performed the show at festivals in Christchurch, Dunedin, Southland, Rotorua, New Plymouth, Adelaide, Perth, Auckland, Mackay and Tauranga. The next stop is Edinburgh in August!

R: How did you come up with this idea for a show on a bus? Is the bus moving?

S: YES the bus is moving! When I was a kid I’d look at the bars in the bus and think about using them to dance. Then the inspiration to bring Back of the Bus into reality came during a trip to France.

I’ve always loved dance that erupts out of ordinary situations, and the music from buskers on the subway in Paris made it almost impossible for me to sit still in my seat. I loved the idea of going on a tour of your own city and seeing it in a completely different light, like it’s somewhere exotic you’ve never been before. This desire to re-examine the familiar plays out in the journey the characters take.

R: What’s the most rewarding thing about performing this show?

S: The interaction with the audience; it’s so up close and personal. It feels like we’re good friends with them by the end of the show. The opening scene is really fun to do but you’ll have to come and see it to find out why!

R: What can an audience member expect from this show as a theatrical experience?

S: You meet these characters on the bus and then you get to see their inner thoughts and their transformation. You see them in public and private and it’s all done through movement.

Back of the Bus is showing at Circa Theatre 9–12 April; tickets are $28 for students and $35 full price, and $12 for the preview on Tuesday the 8th. Bookings and meeting point at Circa Theatre. http://www.circa.co.nz/site/Shows/Back-of-the-Bus In st it ut e of Modern Le t t ers

I

ML… Institute of Modern Letters? Instant Mad Love? Intensely Magnetic Literature? Call it what you will, but the IML is a gem on the Victoria campus buried under a mountain of mystery.

When you tell an ‘artsy’ Victoria student that they can write poetry, or plays, or TV episodes, and credit it towards their degree, they’re bound to think it’s too good to be true. This pipe-dream image is reinforced by the tantalising idea of tea-and-coffee breaks during seminars, of sitting in comfortable chairs in a room where the walls are mostly made of windows, of learning in an informal environment, taught by talented creative minds who will play you clips from Breaking Bad to make their points clearer.

These playwrights and poets are technically called ‘Workshop Conveners’, but I think anyone who has taken a creative-writing paper through the IML would agree that the ‘WC’ actually stands for ‘Wicked Cunt’.

So why write an article bragging about how wonderful IML classes are?

Why not just retreat into my luxurious English-breakfast-fuelled cave of creativity and comfort? Because bugger-all students know that this part of Victoria University even exists. Countless Arts students who wish to pursue writing are keeping it to their free time, and after course work, being in other shows, paid employment, and carefully coordinating outfits, there simply isn’t the time to hunker down and write a two-hour epic. This sees a pattern of talented young writers putting their work into theatres unedited or underworked, making for energetic, beautiful, but unpolished theatre.

The IML at Victoria adds the shine to those scripts, and gives young writers and poets the confidence to proudly put their work out into the world. Beyond undergrad, there is also a Masters programme in Creative Writing, and even a PhD programme beyond that. Information on the course can be found at http://www.victoria.ac.nz/modernletters.

If your notebooks are full of scribbled ideas and half-finished poems or plays, look into these courses. I am confident in saying that it is a move you will never regret.

editor@salient.org.nz

39

VISUAL ART

Q u e a s y L i k e S u n d ay Mo r n i ng Reviewed by B. B

Y

ou may have heard of up-and-coming performance artist Millie – Lady Gaga, for one, believes in her and Brown’s performance, and Brown. She recently made a name for herself by vomiting on Lady has a message for the h8rz: “We believed in the performance and what Gaga. You may also have seen her, to your horror, on your Facebook it meant to the song… Martin Luther King thought he could start a news feed (as I did), with thick strings of brightly coloured vomit revolution without violence and Andy Warhol thought he could make pouring from her lips. This may have triggered a gagging reaction from a soup can into art.” you, as it did for me, or perhaps you successfully stomached it. Brown’s I’m not sure where Gaga was going with those comparisons and vomit paintings (is painting even the right word?) have received mixed I assume that perhaps she, like most of us would, faltered under the responses, with some accusing her of glamourising eating disorders pressure of having to make an educated comment on performance like bulimia and others adding themselves to the 4500 who already art. Admittedly, performance art is one of the most challenging genres like her on Facebook. Brown drinks litres of artificially coloured milk of art to approach from any perspective and it has also seen some of and then vomits it up onto a canvas before an audience. As strange the most absurd/obscene/incredible/ridiculous/obscure pieces of ‘art’ of an apple as this idea may seem, it has actually not fallen too far in the entirety of history. Even its categorisation as art is contentious. from the tree of abstract expressionism. However, unfortunately for Its style and often deeply buried abstract ideas and multiple layers Brown, she doesn’t even make use of this one, of meaning tends to limit its audience, even potentially redeeming feature of her work.

The paintings reflect, perhaps uninten- within the art world, to an exclusive group, The paintings reflect, perhaps tionally, many of the ideas about paint but in a way I think performance artists unintentionally, many of the ideas about and art as Jackson Pollock’s work – the like that. I would not hesitate to say they autonomy of paint; the artist as a medipaint and art as Jackson Pollock’s work – the um through which greater forces can dig it. Performance art is one of the most autonomy of paint; the artist as a medium be expressed; the canvas on the floor contemporary forms of artistic expression and through which greater forces can be expressed; to maximise the effects of gravity and in cases like the vomit paintings, many are the canvas on the floor to maximise the effects chance. But if vomit paintings are ap- wondering: ‘Where to from here?’ of gravity and chance. But if vomit paintings ples, Pollock’s paintings are oranges.

Millie Brown will not be the last to surprise are apples, Pollock’s paintings are oranges. us with her vulgarity, and she certainly isn’t the And while Millie Brown vomits, somewhere, deep underground, first. The past century has seen worse than milky vomit grace the art Jackson Pollock is crying. market, for example: Piero Manzoni, Merda d’artista, 1961 – canned I was crying too after reading a recent interview for BULLETT and sold 90 cans of his own excrement; Hermann Nitsch, Das Orgien Media in which Brown claims, “My whole thing is about pushing Mysterien Theatre, 1962–1998 – used urine, faeces and blood in ritual my own boundaries and right now all the performances I’m doing performances; Andy Warhol, Oxidation Series, 1977 – invited friends are mentally and physically taking me to the limit… all of my to urinate onto canvas of metallic copper pigments to create abstract performances are meant to inspire viewers to question the concept of patterns; Marc Quinn, Self, 1991 – made a frozen cast of his head classic beauty and femininity, rather than perpetuate those standards made entirely out of his own blood; Phil Hansen, The Value of Blood, girls and women are faced with everyday.” With such a wealth of 2006 – drew a portrait of Kim Jong-il using 500 mL of his own blood. originality, I see she went to art school and assume she probably It is hard to know whether the more controversial art of today watched Tyra. And there’s more – Brown goes on to explain how her will spark a return to more conservative and traditional styles and work, in some way which she does not care to clarify, actually rebels media, or whether it is only one step in the long staircase to absurdity. against society’s standards of femininity. Mmmm girl, that just reads We cannot know whether Millie Brown is repelling us upwards or like a Tumblr thinkpiece. Claiming feminist themes is not enough backwards or totally off to the side in a different direction altogether. alone to change vomit on canvas into art. It also does not disguise that The future of art is as unpredictable and impulsive as a splatter of the art itself is average. Or perhaps I had better say average for some vomit on the floor.

40

the body issue

VISUAL ART

H O W G R E E N WA S M Y U N C A N N Y VA L L E Y

by Simon Gennard

S

omewhere in New York, there is a mirror. Attached to the mirror is exercise in giving me the benefit of the doubt): if she were, the viewer a metal pole, and attached to the pole, at the stomach, is a woman. would be complicit in the work as an intruder.

She is slim, with long blonde hair and dark markings around her limbs.

Beyond its immediate shock, Wolfson’s work asks the viewer to She wears a pink dress, white knee-high boots and a scaly, hooknosed consider their relationship to the sculptural object. How to consider mask. a work when art, unlike humanoid robotics, is not judged through a She dances. Pretty well, given her limitations. It’s in the sway of her framework of formal and functional verisimilitude. Francis Upritchard’s legs; her long, writhing fingers. She sings along to whatever happens to figures pose a similar dilemma. They dance and sway, and like Wolfson’s be playing: sometimes Robin Thicke, sometimes Paul Simon. Her skin figures, they don’t rely on the viewer’s empathy – their eyes are closed, is plastic, her veins are wires, and she was made by Jordan Wolfson, expressions impossible to read. They repel, almost intentionally. In The with the help of Spectral Motion, an animatronics studio, for his debut Dowse right now, there is a metal bracket; attached to the bracket, at show at David Zwirner Gallery. the back of the neck, is one of Upritchard’s figures – almost a bust but In 1970, Masahiro Mori proposed the theory of the ‘uncanny not quite. The figure looks upwards, in anguish or rejoice, and it denies. valley’. The hypothesis holds that as representations of the human form In Bowen Galleries this week, Sam Duckor-Jones’ figures stand begin to more closely resemble reality, viewers, almost, but not quite, in dialogue with generally, feel more empathetic towards them; The hypothesis holds that as Upritchard’s. The figures are long and slim and but, there’s a point at which the artificial strays representations of the human form angular, modelled from the ground up. Where too close to human likeness – beings look begin to more closely resemble Upritchard works in motion, Duckor-Jones’ almost, but not quite, alive, and the viewer reality, viewers, generally, feel more strength is in his stillness. You may have seen empathetic towards them; but, there’s a is repulsed. Think Tom Hanks in The Polar point at which the artificial strays too some of them on the third floor of Victoria’s Express, or Ron Mueck’s giant hyperrealistic close to human likeness – beings look library, in black enamel, perched on flowerbeds, almost, but not quite, alive, and the lost in their books. Ostensibly, what delineates sculptures. viewer is repulsed.

There are several theories as to why this is.

Duckor-Jones from Upritchard and Wolfson is It could be that our brains are wired to treat their offering. In Duckor-Jones’ work, arms are anomalies in human form as potentially harmful, and we are inclined often outstretched, bodies in an open position, but this offering is not to avoid them. It could be an innate fear of death, triggered both by contingent on what you take. seeing our own form improved, and by confronting signs of decay.

Wolfson’s revulsion relies not just on his figure’s simultaneous closeness When our own shortcomings are meticulously copied and expanded, and distance from us; he speaks in the language of the erotic, and he every imperfection submits itself to scrutiny. A video of Wolfson’s anticipates grief in his eschewing of expectation. The erotic object relies opening appeared online two weeks ago; as the woman dances, she is on a removal of subjectivity to fulfil its role; in the figure’s unrelenting accompanied by the hum of her motors, her joints seem to strain as she stare, the viewer is forced to reposition themselves against the sculpture. bends. She fulfils every notion of what a perfect body should look like, The feeling of unease is created by a forced acknowledgement that the and yet at any moment, she seems on the edge of rupture. viewer may not be in control of the experience. Upritchard’s figures, She unnerves because she is almost exactly what you think she with their contortions and sealed eyes, operate with a similar seizure, is. The uncanny valley operates through dissonance, a simultaneous but they do so flippantly. Rather than realigning control, they release familiarity and foreignness. She is every male fantasy manifest, in it, offering no clear reading as to why they dance. Duckor-Jones, whose possession of everything we’ve been trained to see as erotic, bar an visual language is much more tender, employs the familiar to upset. His essential meekness. Motion sensors in the back of her head can detect figures seem cerebral, but evasive, moving towards personal histories, when a viewer is close; when you gaze at her, she stares right back. the deep loneliness of adolescence, but never quite meeting the viewer She dances only for herself. She’s not cognizant of what she’s doing or where they expect. Within the uncanny valley is a space to question why she’s doing it, but indulge me (what is this page if not a sustained what we long to see when our form is reflected back at us, and why.

editor@salient.org.nz

41

FASHION

m o de l c i t i z e n : a n i n t e r v i ew w i t h o l i v i a p o ppe

by Elise Munden Olivia is a model signed with Kirsty Bunny Management. She is in her first year of a BA in Film and Media Studies.

E: How long have you been modelling?

O: I started when I was 14, just kind of stumbled into it.

E: What made you start modelling?

O: I was actually scouted. I’d never really thought about modelling, because when I think of modelling I might think of Paris or luxury.

The agent was from Christchurch and she said I had a good walk, so she put me on her books. I didn’t know what that meant but I was like, “Okay cool!”

E: Is that how most models get signed?

O: Sometimes. Most of the time they just have an interest in modelling so they sign up themselves.

E: How did you get signed with Kirsty Bunny Management?

I was actually with two other agencies, one in Auckland and one in Christchurch. But it just got too hard being so separate, so they both recommended I combine the two agencies and go to Kirsty in Wellington.

E: Are there many options for modelling agencies in Wellington?

O: There’s a few, I think around three. But Kirsty is the main one if you’re more professional, so if you’re actually serious about it Kirsty is the best one.

E: Is there much competition between the agencies?

O: Sometimes yes, but generally it’s about the money side of it.

Kirsty has a lot of new faces who are just starting out, so they’re usually keen to do whatever they can.

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the body issue

E: How have you been treated by staff at your agency and designers and photographers?

O: Kirsty is amazing; the best agent I’ve ever had. All of Kirsty’s models are kind of like her babies, so she’s really nice. Generally, the photographers are really good too. Sometimes designers can be quite serious, but essentially you’re there to make their product look good, so they’re kind of allowed to be.

E: Have you ever had disagreements with anyone when you’ve been working?

O: Sometimes things can get a bit stressful in hair and makeup. If you’re sitting in the mirror you can see if they’re doing something weird or wrong. You say, “I think you need to fix this up”, but it’s not your position to say that.

E: As a woman, do you always feel safe on sets?

O: The majority of the time it’s safe. You are allowed to say if you feel uncomfortable, but everyone’s really nice. I did one shoot where I didn’t have a bra on and I was wearing this sheer black top which was open. All of a sudden they wanted to put a fan on me, so it was a free-for-all. I said I wasn’t really keen on it, so they strapped the shirt down so you couldn’t see anything. So you just have to pipe up and say what you want.

E: Do you have any advice for people wanting to model in Wellington?

O: If it’s something you really wanna do then go for it, because it is a really fun thing to do. Kirsty has requirements, like usually you have to be a certain height, but if you fit the standards then go through Kirsty because she’s probably the best agent. But everyone is just so cool and you can get some really amazing opportunities.

WHATS ON

Muppets Most Wanted: starring Ricky Gervais, Tina Fey and every other celebrity in existence.

Wes Anderson’s The Grand Budapest Hotel, starring Ralph Fiennes with Bill Murray, Jude Law, Owen Wilson and Tilda Swinton.

Classic Weekends at the Embassy: The Third Man – Saturday 12 April, 6 pm The Wind Rises – Sunday 13 April, 6 pm

BOOKS Poets’ Corner Guest poet Helen Rickerby followed by open mic Monday 14 April, The Thistle Inn, 7.30 pm, $5

Die! Die! Die! Saturday 12 April, 9.30 pm Mighty Mighty, $10 Black City Lights Saturday 12 April, 9 pm Puppies, $10

THEATRE

VISUAL ARTS

The Witching Hours Season: Friday 4 April, Friday 11 April, Thursday 17 April, Friday 25 April, Friday 23 May, Friday 30 May, 9 pm BATS Theatre All tickets only $10

Sam Duckor-Jones: First Trip to the Big City Bowen Galleries, 7 April – 3 May Nick Austin: Time’s Sieve Peter McLeavey Gallery, from 10 April

FAS H I O N Wellington Fashion Week 9–13 April Fashion photography competition – Free!

Massey University fashion and photography exhibitions – Free!

Runway shows by Moochi, RUBY, Liam, Trelise Cooper and many more.

Tickets from $29.

Shu Tuesday 8 – Saturday 12 April, 6.30 pm BATS Theatre Concession tickets $13

MUSIC French For Rabbits with Glass Vaults Friday 11 April, 8 pm The Moorings, $15

Gloria’s Handbag Fri 21 March — Sat 19 April 2014 7.30 pm, 4.30 pm Circa Theatre $25 – $43

Morcheeba Saturday 12 April, 8 pm The Opera House, $80.50

FILM

Released in cinemas 10 April:

V B C 8 8.3 G U I D E The VBC is the Victoria University student radio station. You can tune in on 88.3FM or stream it live at www.vbc.org.nz. If you want to get involved, email the Station Manager, Rob Barrett, at vbc883fm@gmail.com.

BREAKFAST 8 .10 A M

MONDAY

TUESDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

10 A M NOON NOON 2.00PM

MUSIC, NEWS, INTERVIEWS, GIVEAWAYS

ROBANDTAMMY

2.00 4.00PM DRIVE 4 - 7PM

DEAD MAN MONDAY

WITH CASEY & JOSS

WITH DUNCAN & CAM

TBC

WITH ELEANOR & SIMON

STREET KNOWLEDGE

WITH SAM & HUGH

TUNES WITH TAMBLY INFIDEL CASTRO

WITH PHILIP MCSWEENEY

2 4 1

TWO HOURS WITH TIMTAM

WITH WILL

DEAD AIR

WITH PEARCE

DOMO ARIGATO

WITH MR ROBATO

THURSDAY DRIVE WITH A.D.D DEAD BOYSʼ PIRATE RADIO

WAKE N BAKE

WITH OLLIE & ASHER

SASAENG SATURDAYS

WITH SAVANNAH

THE SALIENT SHOW

WITH GEORGE ARMSTRONG

RAW POLITIK

[T B D]

WITH HUGO

7. 0 0 9.00PM 9.00 11 . 0 0 P M

THURSDAY

THE VBC BREAKFAST SHOW JIVING JAMES & GROOVING GREG

11 P M 1. 0 0 A M

WEDNESDAY

WITH CIARAN & SOPHIE

BAD SCIENCE WITH LOU

SUPERFLUOUS SUPERHEROS

SIGNAL SOUNDS

WITH TIM & ALEX

WITH HOLLY, S TUMBLE, GOOSEHEAD & VIC SERATONIN

WITH MATT & FRIENDS

THE B-SIDE REVOLUTION

WITH RICHARD

PRE-LOAD

THE NIGHT SHIFT WITH CHRIS

editor@salient.org.nz

43

PUZZLES

1

2

3

4

Cryptic Clues

5

7

8

9

Across 1. Guards tents when the carnival gets out of order (8,3) 9 & 10 Ac. He loves to fight!

(7,5) 10. See 9 Across 11. Pronounce the verdict, we hear - made to pay the penalty (5) 12. Pressure recorder that’s done with air adjustment (7) 13. Dislike being seen in the stores entrance (6) 15. One has time to experience this (6) 18. But role, when rewritten, causes inconvenience (7) 20. Spring flower - somehow I put fifty in (5) 22. See 21 down 23. Shows the significance of French paper money (7) 24. See fan ready to be quite relaxed (4,3,4)

10

12

11

13

14

15

16

17 18

19

20

22

21

23

24

Y

D

G

A

A

L

L

R

8

8 1

4

3

the body issue

8

2

2

8 4

5

1 6 4 5

4

4 6 8 3 5 9

6 9

4 8 6

7

6 8

Across 1. Many-sidedness (11) 9. Thrive (7) 10. Step (5) 11. Fat (5) 12. Encroachments (7) 13. Pact (6) 15. Wave (6) 18. Impartial (7) 20. Coach (5) 22. Vestige (5) 23. Agony (7) 24. Unavoidably (11) Down 2. Elicit (5) 3. Wise (7) 4. Sultry (6) 5. Also-ran (5) 6. Labour (7) 8. Reliable (11) 14. Imitate (7) 16. Whole number (7) 17. Folds in cloth (6) 19. Historic title (5) 21. Warbie (5)

1

8

9

4

8

7 4

1 3

4

3 9 8

5 8

4

8 7 2

9 5

Quick Clues

7 3

5

7 2

5 3 4 2

9

9 2 6

9

44

5

1 6

9

1 4

1 2

3

3 4 8 5

9

3 9

7 4 6

Down 2 & 14 Dn. Teaches marksman to be a railway enthusiast! (5,7) 3. Send Red China an assortment! (7) 4. A bit of derision or malice is not unexpected (6) 5. Black paint-brush 6. Careworn when an eleven gets no score with us following!

(7) 7. Presumably not a fullyfledged monk, relatively speaking (4-7) 8. Commercial mail for remote

U

6 6 7 2 3

0-15 words: aw :( 16-25 words: semi okay 26-35 words: ya show off 35+ words: hey wordsmith

store (7,4) 14. See 2 Down 16. Following the Royal Engineers, unit returns to the East (7) 17. Endless blind alley to blunt the senses (6) 19. Bump into a canal operator who has lost direction (5) 21 & 22 Ac. So true tale is adapted by one given to indolence (5-5)

5

3 2

6

4

8

7 4

1 4

1

2

PUZZLES

Quiz Questions: 1. According to the children’s song, the thigh bone is connected to which bone?

2. True or false: you have as many hairs per square centimetre on your body as a chimpanzee.

3. What is the scientific name for the human tailbone?

4. Why don’t polar bears eat penguins?

5. In what city is the International Court of Justice located?

6. How many grams in an ounce (oz)?

7. What was the name of the first dog in space?

8. True or false: average penis size is greater in gay than in heterosexual men.

9. How many hearts does an octopus have?

10. Name three members of the Beatles.

Would you rather...?

Would you rather have your gender switch every time you sneeze, or be permanently unable to distinguish between children and bagels?

Would you rather have legs the size of fingers, or fingers the size of legs?

Would you rather have sex with a man with a vagina, or a woman with a penis?

Would you rather fall in love with someone who then turned into a toad, or have your arm turn into a hedgehog that stayed attached to you?

Would you rather live in a small city, or a big town?

Would you rather have hiccups for the rest of your life, or feel like you need to sneeze and not be able to for the rest of your life?

Would you rather watch your parents have sex every night for the rest of your life, or have sex with them once?

Would you rather have a vagina on your forehead, or a row of penises down your back like a Stegosaurus?

Would you rather permanently have Cheezel dust on your fingers, or have taste buds on your bottom?

Would you rather eat mac’n’cheese with a fork, or a spoon?

Friday afternoons from 3pm - close

editor@salient.org.nz

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Answers: 1. The hip bone 2. True 3. Coccyx 4. They live on opposite Poles – polar bears in the North and penguins in the South. 5. The Hague 6. 28 (28.3495, to be more precise) 7. Laika 8. True 9. Three 10. Three of: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr (AKA Richard Starkey).

PASIFIKA NOTICES

STUDENTS’

COUNCIL

PASIFIKA CRITICAL-THINKING WORKSHOP with EMA SANGA Tuesday, 1 April, 12–1 pm Pasifika Haos Christian Fellowship Mondays, 5.30 pm Pasifika Hao Loto Aho Study Session Wednesdays, 4–6 pm Te Taratara a Kae, Māori and Pasifika Collection, Library Level 2 PLSS (Pasifika Law Students’ Society) SGM Thursday 3 April, 5 pm Pasifika Haos VUWTSA (VUW Tongan Students’ Association) IGM Thursday 3 April, 6 pm Pasifika Haos HOT HULA CLASS with VUWCIA (VUW Cook Islands Association) Wednesdays, 4.30–5.30 pm Pasifika Haos

Do People Even Read the Notices?

LYNX is excited to release LYNX Peace, the brand’s newest fragrant range. This delicious captivating smell starts with top notes of violet leaf captive, bergamot, mandarin, lemon peel and yuzu. Its mid-notes include apricot nectar, violet flower and nutmeg, with a dry finish that includes cedarwood, golden amber and patchouli.

The LYNX Peace range consists of a bodyspray, antiperspirant deodorant, roll-on deodorant and a shower gel.

We have 3 packs to give away to our readers.

To enter, simply email the editor@salient.org.nz account telling us why you need LYNX Peace.

GIVEAWAY

The Witching Hours – Season 2 9 pm, Friday 11 April.

BATS Theatre Your favourite anthology series of eerie audio dramas is back! My Accomplice are returning with 16 new episodes. Think The Twilight Zone but with the best special effects of all time: the human imagination. The second season will be performed and recorded live, every Friday night at BATS. We have 2 double passes to give away; first to email the editor@salient.org.nz account win!

NOTICES If you want a notice in Salient, email us at editor@salient.org. nz. Notices must be sent to us by Wednesday 5 pm for the following week’s issue, and must be fewer than 100 words in length.

Opus International Consultants – 14 May Upcoming Free Careers Events for all students ASB – 15 April ANZ – 5 May Careers in Focus Seminar series Law: Working in the Public Sector – 7 April Law: Working in the Corporate World – 14 April Law: Overseas Postgraduate in Law – 20 May Check details/book on CareerHub: www.victoria. ac.nz/careerhub

Vic OE – Vic Student Exchange Programme Why not study overseas as part of your degree?!

Study in English, earn Vic credit, get StudyLink and grants, explore the world!

Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2, Easterfield Building, 12.50 pm NEXT DEADLINE: 16 JULY for Tri 1, 2015 exchanges!

Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon & Tues 9–12, Wed–Fri 10–12

Business and Investment Club

The Business and Investment Club (BIC, www. bic.org.nz) invites you to the next guest speaker event “Creating and managing retail stores” by Chris Wilkinson, managing director of PhotoPlus and owner of First Retail Group. Chris has extensive experience of building retail branches and specialises in commercial performance and technology in retail industry, which are the main topics of this very interesting talk. If you want to get involved with retail business and are seeking more information, come and find out what it involves and what makes a retail branch successful.

The event is taking place on Monday 14 April, 4.30 pm @ SU218 (Student Union Building, 2nd floor).

2014/15 Internships and Graduate Wanted: a Lawyer Wanted: Graduate Law student for pro bono Jobs! work experience as a career move in family law.

Applications closing soon: Inland Revenue – 9 Apr Reserve Bank of New Zealand – 10 Apr Assurity Consulting – 11 Apr Luke Cunningham Clere – 11 Apr TaxTeam – 20 Apr Linfox Logistics – 30 Apr Asia NZ Foundation (Taiwan) – 30 Apr Asia NZ Foundation (Indonesia) – 30 Apr ANZ – 11 May 46

the body issue

A very good arguable case with high prospects of success. Will be helping a woman out of her depth dealing with a massive workload to fight injustice.

Contact Julie: j_swinden@hotmail.com] or ph 021 073 6944.

Film Society

At Victoria University, we offer more than just a Film Society; we offer a Film Society that’s free and lightly dusted in chocolate. This week, on

Thursday the 10th from 6 pm in the Memorial Theatre (SU Building) we will be delighting in both the riveting The Boxer’s Omen (1983) and the wonderful Hausu (1977). Remember, VIP members get that extra loving, and it’s only $10 to become one if you’re not already. Need even more of this? Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook. com/groups/vicunifilmsociety/

VicIDS presents: “Inequality: A New Zealand Crisis?”

With Journalist Max Rashbrooke 5.15 pm TODAY, Monday 7 April, Cotton 304 In New Zealand, the top one per cent of adults own three times as much of the country’s wealth as the entire lower half put together. We have one of the fastest rates of increasing inequality in the world, but what should we do about it? We are welcoming Max Rashbrooke, editor of the book Inequality: A New Zealand Crisis to explain how New Zealand ended up with such vast income inequalities and why this is concerning both here and internationally. Max will also talk about the solutions currently being debated, and discuss the competing claims in regard to the upcoming election. Come along for discussions of an issue closer to home, and enjoy a cup of fair-trade coffee and good conversation!

ACADEMIC PROJECT

WRITING

RESEARCH

Is your first language a language other than English? Have you done some of your education in a country other than NZ? Would you like to get a $20 gift card of your choice, and maybe later win a grand prize of a Kindle, iPod, or tablet computer?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to these questions, we invite you to participate in our project. Email elaine.vine@vuw.ac.nz to find out more about the project or go directly to this website to participate: http://form.jotform.us/form/30504299036149.

Tunes of I

Tunes of I are an award-winning, six-piece dub reggae/soul band hailing from the dub capital of the Pacific, Wellington, Aotearoa. They were originally formed as a three-piece band in the Wairarapa in early 2011. After adding new members to the fold, Tunes of I are now a fully fledged, six-piece, original, dub and soul powerhouse. Following the release of their latest EP T.O.I, Tunes of I have finally put together a show for their beloved hometown and are raring to give Wellington an awesome night of lush sounds and high-energy music. With the boys of Ruffhouse Crew in support spitting their own flavour of hip-hop and DnB, this show will be an epic night of psychedelic dub-and-roots-driven soul music that shouldn’t be missed.

The Hunter Lounge

Mon 7th – Free Pool Tues – facebook.com/thehunterlounge Wed – Sci Soc non Science Quiz Thurs – WGTN Hall Quiz Fri – 2-for-1 Pizzas, DJ, Pool Comp

contributors editors: Duncan McLachlan & Cameron Price d e s i g n e r : I m o g e n Te m m news editor: Sophie Boot c r e at i v e e d i t o r : C h l o e Dav i e s c h i e f s u b - e d i t o r : N i c k Fa r g h e r distributor: Joe Morris f e at u r e w r i t e r : P h i l i p M c S w e e n e y ( c h i e f ) , P e n n y G a u lt , Alex Hollis w e b e d i t o r : D e x t e r E d wa r d s n e w s i n t e r n s : S i m o n D e n n i s , S t e p h Tr e n g r o v e arts editors: Nina Powles (Books), Charlotte Doyle (Film), H e n r y C o o k e ( M u s i c ) , R o s e C a n n ( Th e a t r e ) , S i m o n G e n n a r d ( Vi s u a l A r t s ) , E l i s e M u n d e n ( Fa s h i o n ) general contributors: B.B., Nicol a Braid, Sonya Cl ark, Nikol aus Hochstein C ox , S c h a r l ot t e G u i g o u , A l a s d a i r K e at i n g , M o l ly McCarthy, Jordan McCluskey, Hugo McKinnon, Andrew M a h o n e y, E l e a n o r M e rto n , G u s M i tc h e l l , Nat N ew to n , S a m N o rt h c ot t, S a m Patc h e t t ( s p o rt s w r i t e r ) , A l e x a n d e r Po l g l a s e , R e u b e n R a d f o r d , O l l i e R i t c h i e , A b i S m o k e r, C a t h e r i n e S t e p h e n s o n , W i l b u r To w n s e n d , J u l i a W e l l s , C h a r l i e Wi l k i n s o n

contributor of the week C h a r l i e Wi l k i n s o n

Advertising Manager Tim Wilson sa l e s @ v u w sa . o r g . n z (04) 463 6982

Funded by Victoria University Wellington students, through

of the

student services levy

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@salientmagazine

youtube.com search: salienttv

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the body issue