Class | Issue 18

Vol. 78

Issue 18

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10 August

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Identity 02

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02

salient

CONTENTS 4-14

NEWS AND OPINION

REGULAR CONTENT

5

It’s a hard-knock life for us

9

Vic students only slightly dumber

3 Editorial 6 Notices 8 Ask Agatha 8 Bridget Bones’ Diary 10 Māori Matters 10 The Week In Feminism 11 Yarn With Zwaan 12 We Drank This So You Wouldn’t

Have To 12 The Moan Zone 14 Letters 36 Science 38 Film 40 Games 41 Books 42 Music 44 Visual Arts 45 Fashion 46 Opinion 47 Puzzles

than average

15-35

FEATURES

15

The VUWSA Executive Half-Year Reports

20

The Working Girl’s Class

26

Freemasons: Just Dudes Being Dudes

28

Mensa, Cultural Bias, and Immeasurable

Invalidity 30

Buying Class

32

Bird Shit Island

34

Mother Knows

Editor Sam McChesney editor@salient.org.nz Design and Illustration Ella Bates-Hermans Lily Paris West designer@salient.org.nz News Editor Nicola Braid news@salient.org.nz Investigative News Editor Sophie Boot Chief Sub Editor Kimaya McIntosh Sub Editor Zoe Russell

www.salient.org.nz

Senior Feature Writer Philip McSweeney Feature Writers Sharon Lam Gus Mitchell Distributor Beckie Wilson

Section Editors Sharon Lam (Visual Arts) Jayne Mulligan (Books) Bridget Pyć (Science) Kate Robertson (Music) Fairooz Samy (Film) Jess Scott (Fashion) Cameron Gray (Games)

News Interns Jordan Gabolinscy Alexa Zelensky

Other Contributors Auntie Agatha, Bridget Bones, Tayla Cook, Brittany Mackie, Rick Zwaan, Lydia and Mitch, Tom and Luke, Brontë Ammundsen, William Blackler, Cavaan Wild, Hamish Popplestone, Josh Ellery, Mitchell Siermans, Lyndy McIntyre, Puck.

News Photographer Jess Hill

Cover Model Neenah Dekkers-Reihana

News Reporters Tim Grgec Emma Hurley Charlie Prout Beckie Wilson Elea Yule

Read Salient online at salient.org.nz Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington 04 463 6766 Advertising Jason Sutton sales@vuwsa.org.nz 04 463 6982 Social Media Philip McSweeney philip@salient.org.nz fb.com/salientmagazine @salientmagazine Printed By Inkwise, Ashburton

About Us Salient is published by, but is editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council.

Salient is funded in part

by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy. The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

Complaints People with a complaint against the magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council.

See presscouncil.org.nz/ complain.php for more information.

issue 18

03

Editorial

In Japan there’s a complex of hot springs, and a species of monkey, the Japanese macaque, that frequents it. The dominant family spends its winters relaxing in the warm pools, while the others shiver in the snow. When a monkey from outside the dominant family tries to access the pools, he or she is chased off and sometimes beaten severely. Fair enough; no doubt the alpha macaques simply worked harder to get where they are. Or perhaps the spa water trickles down.

The old-school lefties among you will likely be pissed off that we’ve produced an issue on Class within a larger series on Identity. Though both class politics and identity politics exist within the realm of what is loosely referred to as leftwing politics, there is a considerable amount of distrust, exasperation and antipathy between the two.

For most of the last century, Marxist-influenced class politics was pre-eminent. That began to change in the 1980s, when women, queer people and people of colour began to assert their own struggles as separate from, and equal to, class struggle.

The idea that people might have a whole range of legitimate ways to describe themselves politically, beyond mere reference to their “class”, was a blow to socialist values of working class solidarity. Some saw identity politics as an outright threat; one prominent Marxist scholar claimed that the whole movement was a CIA plot to undermine the proletarian cause. Most Marxists continue to insist that identity politics is beside the point, that all forms of oppression are the result of capitalist power relations, and that the only way to achieve true emancipation for women, queer people and ethnic minorities is for the working class to unite and overthrow capitalism.

All of which, of course, was diversionary crap, because the reality is that the old left had big problems with racism, sexism and homophobia— and its attempts to convince marginalised groups that their causes were secondary to the “real” struggle against capitalism was a thinlyveiled command to fall in line, and to submit to a movement led invariably by straight, white men. “Solidarity” is a laudable virtue in many contexts, but when it’s being used—as it frequently has—to cover up allegations of sexual assault against male socialist leaders, you can see why there might be a problem.

The left has always been prone to self-cannibalisation, but identity politics was the upstart that couldn’t be eaten. So badly did the old left trash its reputation in the process that class was barely discussed in the 90s (though the end of the Cold War definitely had a lot to do with this) and the first half of the 00s.

The last five to ten years have seen a revival. We all now have at least a vague awareness of corporate bailouts, of bankers’ bonuses, of the idea of the one per cent. Greece elected Syriza (granted, that hasn’t exactly worked out for them), and the British Labour party looks likely to appoint a new hard-left leader. We’re once again beginning to realise that class, despite the innumerable forms of edifice, myth and ritual that have sprung up around it, really is just about one group of monkeys hogging the spa. And many of us, myself included, are waiting for a class-based movement that we can get on board with, without feeling the need for a shower.

editor@salient.org.nz

04

Person of the week:

salient

BY THE NUMBERS US 95.6c What a good that could be made in the US for a dollar would cost to be made in China (compared to 86.5 cents per dollar in 2004)

5.9% The rate of unemployment in New Zealand at the end of the last financial quarter

14 years The length of time host Jon Stewart spent on The Daily Show before leaving the programme this year

Cecile Richard Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richard came out swinging last week against the 45 Republican Senators who narrowly lost a vote to cut federal funding for Planned Parenthood (America’s equivalent to Family Planning).

“While some extreme Republicans may continue to insist on shutting down the Government in order to deny health care, including birth control, to millions of women that is a fight that the American people have zero appetite for and a fight these extremists will not win,” she said. One in five women in the US are believed to have used Planned Parenthood in their lifetimes.

£4,000 The cost for a rhino horn dagger on the black market according to Havocscope

29% Of American pollsters have voted for Eleanor Roosevelt to be the next $10 note

www.salient.org.nz

issue 18

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NE W S .

KEE N EYE FOR NEWS? S END ANY T IPS , LEADS OR GOSSIP TO NE WS @S ALIENT.ORG.NZ

It’s a Hard-knock Life for us Alexa Zelensky 40 per cent of full-time university students are feeling stressed about their financial well being, according to a recent survey from the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA).

Many of those polled said that they feel they did not have enough money for their basic needs, let alone enough to spend on social or academic obligations.

The maximum students can receive from Studylink is $215 per week. When asked if it was possible to survive on the allowance payment alone, one student, receiving $175 a week, responded, “no f***ing way could a person survive off the measly amount they give. I mean, it goes a long way, but a job is essential”.

The weekly allowance payment is determined by a student’s income, their parents’ income, and whether or not the student is living with their parents.

According to NZUSA President Rory McCourt, the “survey shows an increasing number of students are struggling with bills, debt and stress.

We have serious concerns that without a change in policy settings tertiary education will be an opportunity only for the rich.”

“Our students and their families cannot sustain this cost of living, and it’s taking a toll—credit card and other toxic debt is on the rise. The Government must take major action to prevent an explosion of inequality in tertiary education,” McCourt says.

Ironically, the survey results came only one week before a recent Stuff article admonished students for spending their cost-related costs on “strippers, alcohol and Taylor Swift tickets”.

McCourt, along with ten other student association presidents, publicly condemned the article. “It generalises from anecdote the experiences of all students, which is lazy journalism and in this instance just wrong,” McCourt said.

Students have also taken to Facebook to discuss their use of course-related which included textbooks, contact lenses and laptops.

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan pointed out that the amount of cost-related costs given to students (read: added to their loans) hasn’t changed since 1993.

Last year $120.3m in course-related costs was given to students around New Zealand.

editor@salient.org.nz

06

News and Opinion

Students: Get off my lawn!

Universities: Get off our campuses!

Charlie Prout NZUSA and Grey Power are blaming Government policies for the falling number of students over 55 enrolling in university.

The number of students over 55 years old has dropped by 43 per cent between 2008 and 2014, from 33,000 in 2008 to fewer than 19,000 in 2014.

Both Grey Power and NZUSA claim that the falling numbers are due to restrictions on student loans, student allowance and community education centres.

In 2013, the Government changed the eligibility for student loans and allowance for older students. These changes prevented those over 55 from obtaining a loan to study, and cut student allowances to those over 40 years old.

NZUSA President Rory McCourt has called on the Government to make education accessible for all ages and to reverse its changes to financial assistance.

However, Minister for Tertiary Education Steven Joyce denied that changes to financial assistance eligibility were to blame for the drop in numbers of older students. Instead, Joyce claimed that the drop was due to an increase in those over 55 being employed and the discontinuation of low-level courses.

“A whole level of short, low-level courses have been kicked out of the system, in a process that was started by Labour and continued by National, and we’ve stopped immigrants from being in a position where they can enrol in courses and take up a student loan for living expenses,” Joyce said.

Victoria has worked to maintain its support systems for mature students, despite the dwindling numbers. Specific initiatives for mature students include mature students’ orientation, flexible student learning support for those still working full-time, apartment living options in University accommodation, and the University’s crèche for students who are parents.

“Governments of any colour have to realise that we need to support lifelong learning,” McCourt says. “Older Kiwis need to know that there will be assistance to retrain and upskill if they lose their job or their industry changes. Age discrimination is bad for the economy.”

N otices

Victoria Abroad– Exchange Information Sessions every Wednesday @12:50pm Why not study overseas as part of your degree?!

Study in English, Earn Vic credit, Get Studylink & grants, explore the world!

Deadline for Trimester 2, 2016 exchanges is December 1st, 2015!

www.salient.org.nz

What is underground art?

According to Carl Ingram of the collective Kapiti Underground art is like pornography “You’ll know it when you see it.”. The group are hosting their debut exhibition starting this Sunday at Valve Studio, 123 Kapiti rd, Paraparaumu from 7pm. Featuring 6 diverse artists ranging from oil painting to graffiti. Delve into the dark corners of Paraparanoia, experience a kind of beauty and imagination only achieved by living through the boredom of suburban NZ. Artists include Carl Ingram, Sam Phillips, Dwight Fraser, Kane “Scream” Smith, Theo Stechman and Emma Weakley. The show runs for a month.

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News and Opinion

issue 18

07

Review launched into NZ’s Family Violence Laws Nicola Braid Justice Minister Amy Adams announced last week that there will be a “comprehensive” review of family violence laws in New Zealand.

“The rate of family violence in New Zealand is horrific,” Adams said. “While the Government has a comprehensive work programme underway, I think the law can do more to reduce the incidence and impact of family violence.”

The Domestic Violence Act was passed in 1995 and specifies that domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional and/ or psychological, and defines a domestic relationship as one that is romantic, familial, personal or within the household.

The Care of Children Act 2004 protects children’s welfare and outlines parents’ responsibilities towards children in terms of custody and guardianship.

The

Ministry’s

discussion

documents

claim that although current legislation is generally considered to be sound, “after 20 years it is time to look more broadly at the legal response to family violence, and to assess whether it has kept up to date with developments in the understanding of family violence.”

children are killed every year by a family member in New Zealand, but just 20 per cent of family violence cases are reported to police.

Women’s Refuge CEO Ang Jury has praised the proposed law strengthening and claims “it is very appropriate that coming up to the 20th anniversary of the implementation of the Domestic Violence Act that we can reconsider its effectiveness and look at what it means to strengthen the Justice sector in response to violence within families.”

Public consultation over the laws will be open until 18 September and you can have your say on the Ministry of Justice website or make a written submission via email via familyviolencelaw@justice.govt.nz.

However Police Association President Greg O’Connor says the violence rates could be tackled with resources rather than legislation, suggesting that “better resourcing… could be a better way to go about it, rather than the probably simplistic and much cheaper version of trying to legislate our way out of it”.

Figures from the Ministry of Justice show on average 14 women, seven men and eight

The New Zealand Police investigated over 100,000 cases of domestic abuse last year.

The Government’s Proposed initiatives • Establishing standalone family violence offences • Creating an alternative pathway from the court for victims, perpetrators and whanau to stop violence • Improved information sharing • Improving the accessibility and effectiveness of protection orders • More prominence to acts such as the Care of Children Act

editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

BRIDGET BONES’ DIARY

Bridget Bones

50 shades of fun, part II An easy introduction into the world of kink is through dominance and submission play, and through the use of bondage. Check it.

Most people naturally fit into one of these roles, but don’t be afraid to experiment and take turns; I promise you won’t regret it!

Dominance and Submission

Bondage

The core element to kink is the role of dom and sub. Dominant partners are those who like to be in control while getting freaky.

Subs prefer to let the dom do the work and enjoy being told what to do. There are also “power bottoms”; a gay male term for those doms who prefer to receive rather than give during sex. This is all about a power play, and it’s great for those of you who love to be in control, and for those who love to sit back and let someone else do all the hard work.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.” Rihanna had it right when she wrote “S&M”, bondage can be a whole lotta fun. Now, granted, watching bondage porn can be terrifying, as I’m pretty sure the majority of us can not bend like that, but I’m told the experience is incredible. The whole idea of bondage is, not surprisingly, being bound and restrained. Bondage is about the feeling of control, or lack of.

Bondage is consensually tying, binding, or

restraining a partner for erotic or aesthetic simulation. For beginners, bondage may simply be those joke pink fluffy handcuffs you received for your 18th birthday. However bondage also involves the use of rope, cuffs, tape, or whatever you can tie someone up with, in order to do just that. The letter “B” in the acronym “BDSM” comes from the word “bondage”. The whole idea of bondage is both for pleasure and for the way it looks.

The dominant partner gets to feel in control, while the submissive (or sub) gets to feel, well, submissive.

Don’t be afraid of getting a little kinky in the boudoir. Of course, there’s more involved in kink, so do your research, find out what works for you, and most of all, enjoy yourself !

ASK AGATHA

askagatha@salient.org.nz

your age plus 7” rule, which is even referred to in The Autobiography of Malcolm X. So if you consider yourself in the ranks of Malcolm X, this might be the rule for you. Another one is the “high school rule”—basically, if you could have gone to high school together, it’s ok to play hide the salami. But let’s be honest here, there is nothing new about an age disparity in relationships. It’s been drummed out in media for years—The Graduate, An Education, even Sex and the City.

As long as it isn’t a huge issue for you, and it isn’t creating a power imbalance, you do you and enjoy yourself.

Q: Hi Agatha, I’ve recently taken a lover. However, there is a bit of an age gap between my slam piece and me.

I’m 19 and he is 26. When he was in his first year at university, I was 11. Is this too weird?

What is an acceptable age gap?

-Slammin’ Sally Hey SS, I often get asked this question. There are many mathematical algorithms you can use to analyse your age gap. Firstly there is the “half www.salient.org.nz

Enjoy your Mr. Big, Carrie Bradshaw.

-Aunt Agatha.

Q: Agatha, darkness is all around me. I mixed all the alcohols last night. I woke up to a cold cheeseburger in my sheets and a shoe full of vomit. I can barely form this into a question Agatha. All I can say is… help. What are your coping mechanisms for surviving a grade 10 hangover Agatha?

-Hungover Harry

Hello HH,

Put on your baggiest and smelliest clothes, brush your wine-stained teeth, and get yourself a greasy pie. Because you, son, are hungover as hell, you salty dog. Today you need to channel the grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and stay in bed all day. Try and aim for a shower today, O but don’t overcommit yourself. A day of Netflix, warm clothes and self loathing is on the menu for you. If you have to make amends with people over your bad behaviour the night before (we’ve all been there), try and do it in the afternoonARCHITECTURE AND BUILDING : when you’ve pulled your shambles of a life together.

As you drip feed yourself water from your bottle like a hamster in a NATURAL AND PHYSICAL SCIEN cage, try to remind your aching head that this is only temporary.

As far as I know, people can’t die fromMANAGEME a hangover… so you’ve got that going for you.

All the best, Aunt Agatha.

SOCIETY AND CULT NATURAL AND PHY

PACIFI

News and Opinion

issue 18

Vic students only slightly dumber than average!

Woooooo!

100

86 82

Elea Yule

83

81

The indicators are meant to provide a comparison between Tertiary Education Organisations (TEOs) in terms of performance and course completion.

In terms of general performances, Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce claimed “tertiary education organisations have increased achievement rates across all sectors” and used these increases to as evidence that “the Government’s approach of measuring and incentivising educational performance rather than just the number of enrolments is working”.

Tertiary Education Union President Sandra Grey remains skeptical of the increased completion rates. “When you attach funding to performance measurements you create incentives for institutions to game the system,” she said. “That’s bad for education, and bad for credibility.”

In 2014, Victoria saw an increase in their rates of qualification completion (from 76 per cent to 81 per cent) but a distinct drop in the percentage of students progressing on into postgraduate study, falling from 75 per cent to 56 per cent.

Victoria still lags behind the national average on these two measures, ranking fifth-equal on completion of qualifications and second-bottom on progression to higher levels of qualification.

Victoria’s roll dropped by around three thousand students enrolled between 2013 and 2014, but the proportions of various ethnicities and subjects studied saw almost no change.

Course enrolment at Vic

OTHER : 23

23%

85 81

79

80

The Tertiary Education Commission recently published its annual review of the performance of New Zealand’s tertiary education institutes, including Victoria.

77

60

40

20

0 AUCKLAND

OTAGO

VIC

CANT

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COMPLETION OF QUALIFICATION meta-chart.com

100 88

88

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87

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85

85 80

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0 AUCKLAND

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SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF COURSES meta-chart.com

100 89

90 87

86

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84

80

76

61 60

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20

45%

9%

: 9

09

12%

SOCIETY AND CULTURE : 45 Society and Culture Management and Commerce Natural and Physical Sciences Architecture and Building Other

0 AUCKLAND

VIC

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MASSEY

STUDENTS RETAINED IN STUDY meta-chart.com

100

13%

OTAGO

125

96 91

90

NCES : 12 81

OTHER : 6

Student ethnicity at Vic

MENT AND COMMERCE : 13

6%

75

50

21%

European TURE MANAGEMENT AND COMMERCE Maori YSICAL SCIENCES ARCHITECTURE AND BUILDING 7% Pacific 68% IC : 7 Asian EUROPEAN : 68 10% Other

OTHER

24

25

meta-chart.com

0 AUCKLAND

*the values add up to more than 100 per cent because some students identify as more than one ethnicity.

MAORI : 10

EUROPEAN

68

67 56

ASIAN : 21

MAORI

PACIFIC

ASIAN

OTHER meta-chart.com

OTAGO

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STUDENT PROGRESSION TO HIGHER LEVEL STUDY meta-chart.com

editor@salient.org.nz

Maori Matters

10

Tayla Cook

“Ko te manu e kai ana i te miro nōna te ngāhere, Ko te manu e kai ana i te mātauranga nōna te ao.”

“The bird that partakes of the miro berry reigns in the forest, The bird that partakes of the power of knowledge has access to the world.”

Knowledge is the tool that empowers.

Nelson Mandela states that “education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world”, yet there are so many limitations to retrieve our education in the first place. When it comes to university, bills need to be paid, ridiculously overpriced books need to be bought, and the idea of being a poor student becomes a reality. Money holds a huge role in getting through to obtaining your tohu and this is where scholarships help to ease that pain.

But whānau (yes there is a but), scholarships are exclusive and only accept certain people.

Surely that makes sense, doesn’t it? The people paying for these scholarships need to justify why they chose a certain applicant over another.

When it comes to Māori specific scholarships, many controversial arguments arise: Why are there more Māori scholarships?

If I’m one-sixteenth Māori I can apply right? (#pureblood) The reasons why the scholarship is granted, or where the money comes from, is never considered. Courtesy of government funding, iwi are given the opportunity to help their own succeed in tertiary education, and in return only ask for their qualified rangatahi to come back and help in the community. This opportunity

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therefore becomes more than an easy way to help Māori get into university—for iwi, it is regarded as an investment that they seek to benefit from.

In today’s society, Māori are forever trying to fight the stereotype of being reliant on state funding (kia ora to the dole), and for some that could be their only income. When it comes to Māori-specific scholarships, many non-Māori hold a very harsh perspective and wonder what use it has, and just think that we get the typical “special treatment”.

Is it wrong for every Māori to succeed in education for once? Is it wrong to break the cycle and make Māori a culture that is thriving, instead of just surviving? (#deep) Apart from learning how to perfectly time a hashtag in conversations, tertiary education provides Māori students with an opportunity to determine their future.

Scholarships should be seen as motivation for our rangatahi to strive for success. Money shouldn’t be seen as an issue.

The Week in Feminism

Brittany Mackie Most of us have seen the Wicked campervans on the roads, sporting grossly misogynistic slogans such as “Save a lollipop, suck a d**k”, “Save a tree, eat a beaver”, “Fat chicks are harder to kidnap”, or the one I most recently experienced, “In every princess there is a little s**t who wants to try it just once”. The general reaction among women to these campers is a resounding what the fuck. These slogans promote rape culture, sexist jokes and the objectification of women. They also get the campers owners, Wicked Campers, loads of shock publicity.

The Brisbane-based van hire company has established itself as a “laidback” company that’s not afraid of crossing the line for a laugh.

In reality, these slogans haven’t been well received by the general public. A petition signed by more than 127,000 New Zealanders and Australians caused Wicked Campers founder, John Webb, to remove the “princess slut” slogan from his campers, but there are still countless other offensive slogans on the vans.

The slogans aren’t only misogynistic—they also have racist and homophobic jokes written on their campers. It seems the company has left no stone unturned in their quest to offend every minority possible.

www.salient.org.nz

Although people have shown disgust at the Wicked campers slogans in both New Zealand and Australia, the Brisbane community has definitely been the most active in advocating for change. Wicked Pickets is an Australian community group committed to taking action to remove the sexist, racist and homophobic slogans on Wicked Campers. On 25 July, they organised a rally in Brisbane which featured speakers such as Betty Taylor, the founding director of the Gold Coast Domestic Violence Network; Paula Orbea, who initiated the petitions against Wicked Campers a year ago; and Adela Brent, an activist in the Latin community and counsellor for women survivors of sexual abuse. Each speaker drew links between Wicked Campers’ vilification of women and violence towards women in the community.

However there was a dark cloud over the rally as a police officer harassed and intimidated the marchers, despite them having police permits in place prior to the event. At one point the heckling from the police got so vocal that one of the speakers had to wait for them to finish before speaking. The rally organiser, Anna McCormack, says “the irony of this at a gathering to oppose men’s violence against women has not been lost”.

News and Opinion

issue 18

Buses to become “above ground subways”

Which are apparently different to “trains” Jordan Gabolinscy Wellington’s bus system is on the way to becoming “modern, faster, rapid and truly top notch”.

The Greater Wellington Regional Council (GWRC), the WCC and the New Zealand Transport Agency are now in the process of looking at how their proposed bus system will be put into practice.

The system’s main feature will be the newly designed highcapacity buses, modelled on similar versions in Europe and parts of Asia, under the Bus Rapid Transit system.

The new buses have been likened to “above ground subways” which will have their own dedicated lanes and intersection priorities in the hope of lowering traffic congestion while also being environmentally friendly.

Along with changes to the buses themselves, the routes of the new system will be revised to provide an overall better experience with all of the changes are aimed at encouraging the use of public transport.

However, the new system is not without compromise. Popular routes, especially with students, will be changed including the No. 18 Campus Connection bus from Karori to Miramar used by both Victoria and Massey University students.

While VUWSA was vehement in its opposition to replacing the No. 18, the service will be replaced by two separate services that will travel the same route, stopping at three hubs at the Railway Station, Courtenay Place and Karori Tunnel.

When asked about the current public transport system, other students welcomed the changes, claiming the current system is “shit”.

GWRC Public Transport spokesperson Paul Swain insisted that the new bus system would “give people more access to all day high frequency bus services, reduce bus congestion through the CBD making bus travel around and across Wellington simpler and quicker”.

If all goes to plan the new system will be in place by 2017, until then public feedback is welcome.

11

yarn with zwaan The artist formerly known as Rick Zwaan

The article on Stuff last week, which implied we all spend our course related costs on nights out in town and flights to Fiji, was a useful yet unfortunate start to a long overdue discussion of the reality of the financial pressures faced by students today.

The story was rather ridiculous—a student journo who had clearly just asked a few of his friends for stories of how they’d spent $1k to make a scandalous “click bait” story. Other journalists were outraged, and the commenters on Stuff were surprisingly quick to ridicule the site and defend students.

While I’m sure we all know of people who have blown the $1000 on things not strictly “course related”, the reality is that for every student the true course related costs are far higher than $1000— yet the figure hasn’t changed since it was introduced in 1993.

However, despite these true costs of study, the even higher costs of living in Wellington means that 42 per cent of students put their $1000 towards bond and rent in advance. Even after receiving student loan living costs or an allowance and claiming course related costs, the unmet real costs of a year spent studying can easily reach more than $10,000.

The sobering fact is that the true cost of even the cheapest Bachelor’s degree (a three-year BA) can easily reach $80–90k.

While a bunch of it goes into private hands in the form of rent, power and food, a significant portion of this goes into the University’s coffers via ever increasing fees—funded from our ever increasing student debt.

The good news is our degrees will mean we’re likely to earn more than the average salary, and the knowledge and skills we learn provide an intangibly large public benefit to New Zealand and the world. The unfortunate part is we’ll spend the first portion of our graduate lives paying the highest effective tax rate to pay off our loans and will continually be priced out of the property market.

While it’s clear that the Government needs to increase the support for students and tertiary education in general, the University also has a part to play in how it sets its fees. This week you have a chance to influence that. On Wednesday at 5pm in SU309/310, we’re holding a “Rant with Grant” forum on fees in the lead up to 2016 fee setting. The Chancellor, Vice Chancellor, and a bunch of the uni’s finance staff will be there, so it’s your chance to grill them on how they spend your money. editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

News and Opinion

G ro u p A s s i g n m e n t s If there’s one thing I like better than receiving a grade for my work, it’s working twice as hard and having that grade diluted by three parts. Welcome to group assignments; buddy up and let’s begin.

We’ve learnt a lot from completing group assignments at uni. 5% the material, 5% how to work productively in a group, and 90% of how much we hate other people. Nothing can prepare you for those two words in the course outline, not even living in Vic House. (Wow, second paragraph, new record.) Firstly, because you don’t talk to people anymore, you’ve gotten far too used to the comfort of listening to a lecture to participate in an academic environment. Secondly, because everyone else is an idiot with nothing to offer you but stress and blue balls.

Having to listen to other people’s poorly thought-out ideas is an inefficient, uneconomical way of producing work, which takes up precious time and gives life to rubbish

ideas to avoid the awkwardness of hurt feelings. Trying to schedule a time for a group meeting is a nightmare that breeds group chats containing enough passive-aggression messages to overload a Silicon Valley server farm. In the few hours before the presentation is due it’s time to combine everyone’s work together, only then realising that for some reason unknown to man, one of the guys uses Wordpad instead of Word and now is telling you it’s in “rich text” or whatever the hell that is. When it’s time to actually present the three minute long chop-shop of plagiarism, no one in your tut actually cares or listens, unless it’s your flatmate, and he’s got his cock out under table for only you to see.

also got the same grade for doing nothing.

But hey, learning to cooperate with goons is important for anyone ever wanting to get a job after they leave uni. In the meantime, here is a list of some of the things we would rather be doing a group assignment with:

For someone in the group, they have got a grade for not only doing all the work, but putting up with the other members who seem to do everything possible to stop you achieving this.

Hopefully we don’t see you in one of our groups.

For someone else in the group, they have

1.

2.

3.

4.

I’d rather be in a group with a jar of bees than the clowns I got paired with I’d rather be in a group with an overripe banana than the clowns I got paired with I’d rather be in a group with that fat kid off Up! than the clowns I got paired with That should be enough

Tom and Luke P.S. Although group assignments suck don’t be that guy that does nothing.

We Drank This So You Wouldn’t Have To

Lydia and Mitch

Scrumpy Apple Cider Cost: $9.99 Alcohol volume: 8.3% Pairing: A generous helping of misanthropy, gin.

Verdict: “This tastes like Sunday morning.”

www.salient.org.nz

We are all about the classics. Whether it’s Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” or One Direction before Zayn left, we’re all about it.

So naturally, we jumped at the opportunity to review a classic Saturday night bevvy.

When we say we jumped at the opportunity, we mean that we literally drink it every single week and we’re sick of making sacrifices for you.

Consistency is the key to binge drinking and cider has it by the bucketload. You could literally buy any brand of cider (remember to always check the percentage, kids) and it would taste the same. Maybe you’re incredibly late going to your friend’s house to watch YouTube videos for a few hours then go home via Burger King. Maybe you’re late for an actual party. Scrumpy doesn’t give a damn, my friend, it will be there for you.

You can even leave it open for a day or two, it’s still good to go. Whether you actually do this probably says something about both your determination and your bank balance, but we’re not ones to pry.

Scrumpy is nothing to write home about it.

It’s bubbly juice and it has alcohol in it. That being said, you can drink it from the bottle to avoid post-party dishes and even duct tape it to your hands for a great party trick (again, it depends on your determination).

Let’s not beat around the bush; you know what Scrumpy tastes like. Some of you might even remember the old label or when it only came in one flavour. Vaguely acidic and reassuringly piss coloured, not much has changed since that time in first year when you decided you were too cool for RTDs. At some point you may have dabbled in a higher price-point cider. This was a mistake.

Rekorderlig or Wild Side may try to sway you with their “actual fruit content” bullshit, but it’s a good rule of thumb to keep your cider experimentation to those that come in a plastic 1.25L bottle.

Like Sleepless in Seattle or 10 Things I Hate About You (yes, we’re lonely), Scrumpy is a classic. It’s not fancy, it doesn’t need to be.

Now, sit back, sip back, and join us in pining for Zayn.

issue 18

13

Stories that Matter

Nicola Braid

A hole lot of fun

Surf’s (p)up

A science exhibition showing in Japan called Karada no Fushigi Daibouken, or “The Mysterious Great Adventure of the Body”, encourages visitors to enter into a giant model of the human body, via the anus.

Aimed at allowing children to explore the body, the exhibition is frank in its depiction and exploration of where poop comes from, but we sphinc it’s pretty cool.

The tenth annual Unleashed Surfing Dog contest was held in California last week.

While the event’s proceeds go to the San Diego Humane society, competitors such as Ziggy, Coppertone, Brandy and Pretty in Pink (Yup) relished the chance to put on mini life jackets and ride alongside their owners. Shout out goes to Hanzo and Kalani for winning the tandem surf.

Badger gets blottoed

IT’S LIKE THE JETSONS

Fucking Muppets

A badger dubbed “Wandzia” was found passed out and drunk on a Polish beach last week. The lil gal, who is now recovering in a Polish animal shelter, was surrounded by at least seven empty bottles and was believed to have stolen alcohol from beachgoers before removing the beer caps with her teeth.

Animal Shelter staff joked, “Oh, youth. Oh, Summer Holidays” but we here at Salient stand with you Wandzia.

The world’s first robot hotel has been opened in Nagasaki. The Henn-na hotel is staffed by 10 life-like robots and costs approximately £40 per night. Find the concept freaky? Don’t worry, the humanoids have been designed to blink, make eye contact and appear as if they’re breathing, plus an animatronic dinosaur is on-hand to welcome Englishspeaking guests.

In what appears to be the most messed-up thing to happen to children’s entertainment since “sexy Harry Potter outfits”, the beloved Muppets characters Miss Piggy and Kermit have announced their “break up”. Now, this writer was unaware that puppets could form relationships, let alone sever them, but Kermit has publicly said(!?) “People change. So do frogs and pigs… we were together for a long, long time and it’s personal.”

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editor@salient.org.nz

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etters

Letter of the Week:

Murderous cancer-solving robots Dear Salient, Great to see AI getting a bit of coverage in previous issues, such as Bridget Pyc’s article in the Aug 03 article. Worrying about job replacement arguably understates the risks involved, however.

Say we finally program an AI that can re-program itself to get smarter and smarter, and then set it the task of curing cancer - but then it decides the best way to do this is by destroying humanity so that there is no cancer, or turning most of the world into a cancer-solving computer.

Or say a business develops such an AI to run it as profitably as possible - use your imagination to imagine how this could go wrong. These are simplistic examples, but my point is that if/when AI gets the knack of self-improvement, superintelligence could sneak up on us; we’re putting a lot of effort and money into developing AI (especially as there’s potentially a lot of money it), but nowhere near as much into figuring out how to program an AI with something resembling moral common sense. I’d encourage anyone interested to check out more about the problem of AI friendliness atintelligence.org/faq/.

Churr Caleb Withers

:) <3 Dear Salient, After being called a pretentious bisexual in last year’s queer issue, I was happily surprised to see mentions of both parts of my sexual orientation. As a panromantic demisexual (or, as it is most days for ease, just a pansexual, when “demi-pan” is too much explaining) I wasn’t expecting much, but I found both parts of that were mentioned throughout the issue. It can be hard being so queer that you’re invisible. Thanks for making that a little better.

Love, half a frying pan www.salient.org.nz

Um … okay …

Unsalted vita-wheat loony

Dear Salient,

Hello Salient

Imagine you’re one of those people who gets intoxicated just thinking of food.

You can’t look at a punnet of blueberries without thinking anthrocyanins and Paleo blueberry cheesecakes. See a lemon, make stevia-sweetened lemonade in your head. So you decide to start a food blog detailing your kitchen misadventures.

I am very excited to hear the news that you plan to publish an issue about unsalted vita-wheat crackers as I happen to be an unsalted vita-wheat cracker enthusiast. I’m not such a fan of salted vita-wheat crackers or cracked pepper vita-wheat crackers as I find them a bit racy for my particular palate. Unsalted vita-wheat crackers on the other hand are marvellous. Did you know that there are on average 31 sesame seeds on each side of an unsalted vita-wheat cracker?

Furthermore, they are comprised of at least 80% wholegrains! I have to stop writing now as I have inadvertently dropped unsalted vita-wheat cracker crumbs onto my knitted grey cardigan whilst in my office cubicle. In my stimulated state I almost spilled my soy latte onto my framed photograph of Bill English.

You’ve been fed the idea that you could be just like your favourite internet superhero, whose cookies keep people like you on their blogs again and again.

You’ll add your own touch. A recipe here and there from your nana, flavours from your culture. You’ll be unique. Just like everybody else.

You can’t see clearly when food is in the picture. It consumes you. Consciously, you understand your food beliefs defy all logic. How else could you be a fish eating vegetarian or a “weekday coeliac”?

As I wade through the web of misinformation we like to call “the world wide web”, I find more food blogs littered across the net than empty Lift Plus cans in the hub. Everyone on the internet has a different opinion. You could be forgiven for thinking everyone has the holy grail.

Why is gluten more controversial than politics or religion? Because humans are stupid.

Cookies are free at most websites.

Coffee is often free too, providing you’re willing to stir the clouds back in when they surface.

Eat less. Move more. You’ll lose weight.

Ace of <3 Dearest Salient, I was so happy to read an article on asexuality in your Queer issue. I usually read through queer-themed media bracing myself for when asexuality gets a mere sentence of discussion, or at best, a paragraph. To have a whole article was such a refreshing change! Thanks Josh Beck for being so honest about your experiences. It’s important that gr/ace stories be shared.

Regards, A fellow ace.

All the best, An unsalted vita-wheat cracker enthusiast.

Is that what the kids are doing these days Dear Salient As I was working on my Religious studies assignment (as one does) in the computer area at the Library (Kelburn) I noticed a sign by the restrooms saying that this area is regularly checked on by security staff! Well, it kind of got me thinking about this sign and I came to the conclusion that maybe it was because frisky students may have been using the area to relieve themselves and I don’t mean for their bodily functions but relief of another kind that being sexual activity!

The cubicles are rather generous in size making me think that there is room for more than one person in there at any one time! Have a great day and if you are engaging in a bit of nooky, enjoy!!!

Mr Randy

Letter of the Week receives two coffee vouchers and a $10 book voucher from Vic books.

issue 18

15

The VUWSA Executive Half-Year Reports

Oh God, make it stop At the end of June, each member of the VUWSA Executive has to submit a report on what they’ve been doing over the first half of the year. Normally they would all present their reports at an Exec meeting, in a three-hour orgy of self-congratulation and speechifying. So it’s probably just as well that this year the reports came in over a month late, and the Exec had to approve them by email instead.

But how are they actually doing? Well, Salient’s seen a lot of student politicians in its time. They are, shall we say, a special breed; or rather, several special breeds.

There are the preppy kids. There are the party-political hacks. There are the CV builders. These types are all there this year, though Salient’s not going to name names. One breed mercifully absent from Exec circa 2015 is the quitter; this is first time in, well, ages (Salient couldn’t be bothered checking) where the Exec has reached the halfway point of the year intact. There are also no overt muppets, which we suppose is a good thing, but it does make Salient’s job less entertaining.

The general vibe of this year’s Exec is “talented, but boring”. Let’s focus on that “talented” part first. They may be self-important, they may be so “right on!” that Salient wants to barf, they may be the lowest-hanging fruit on the piss-taking tree, but we’ve got to admit it—this is the most talented Exec in years, perhaps decades.

Most of the Exec get perfect or near-perfect scores from Salient, and everybody here is extremely smart, committed, informed, and, well, just lovely really (ugh).

But let’s also look at that “boring” part (as you knew we would). There is no fire, no bite. Executive meetings are a complete joke, a stage-managed snore-fest dominated by the love each member has for his or her own voice. Harsh? Perhaps.

But when every Execcie delivers a fortnightly oral report (and Rick’s reports alone take up at least eight thousand kajillion years) there is no time or energy left for genuine discussions. This encourages the Exec to see themselves as administrators who perform functions, rather than representatives who debate issues.

The politics have been sucked out of student politics. We couldn’t tell you what half of the Exec really stand for, because like any good bureaucrats they bury this information beneath bloated prose and manufactured consensus. Fuck, they’ve even started using that heinous bureaucratic neoligism, “learnings” (as in, “we have applied the learnings from previous synergies and going forward will upsize accordingly”). Dear Exec: this is why Salient has to take the piss out of you to make Eye on Exec remotely readable or interesting.

Anyway. What follows is Salient’s attempt to make some sense of the Exec’s reports, and to give you our impressions of how well each Execcie has been doing.

Surplus hours refers to the amount of overtime each Exec member has worked, based on their fortnightly work reports. Ratings are out of five.

President

Rick Zwaan Salient can really empathise with Rick. He’s a smart, capable, extremely attractive guy who has clearly been fed up with many aspects of his job pretty much since the get go. This makes him grumpy a lot, and not much fun at parties.

Rick is emblematic (perhaps causative, although that would be a little harsh) of VUWSA’s excitement deficit this year. He dominates discussions on Exec, talking endlessly and moving anything vaguely contentious into committee of the whole. He does way too much bureaucratic work. His report is full of obfuscating language, whether this consists of broad and unquantifiable claims (“we’ve focused on maintaining and strengthening partnerships with Ngāi Tauira, PGSA and PSC”), or liberal use of an undefined “we” pronoun (“we help to ensure [the Student Services Levy] is spent effectively and in appropriate ways to support students”). All Salient knows is that he swept to victory on a promise of nap rooms, yet this hasn’t been achieved and doesn’t rate a single mention.

SALIENT WANTS A NAP, RICK. Having said that, though, Rick’s hot. Like, really hot. Salient first noticed earlier this year, while Rick was moving into committee for reasons of commercial sensitivity. The way he purred the word “committee”, his dark eyes hinting at something deeply mysterious, dangerous and sexy. The way Exec fell over itself to acquiesce.

The way Salient trembled slightly with repressed passion. His big green jersey brings all the environmentalists to the yard. His Presidential jawline would make even Steven Joyce wet.

Most student-politician-y statement: “I’ve also raised concerns and provided perspective on proposals as they’re discussed and utilised links to the various other committees VUWSA is involved in to ensure concerns don’t slip through the gaps.”

Surplus hours: 160 (17%) Average hours per week: 46 Overall rating: 4 editor@salient.org.nz

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Academic Vice-President Jonathan Gee Jono is lumped with probably the most thankless, invisible and frustrating position on Exec. After the President, it’s also the most important—after all, academic quality is kind of the point of the whole university thing.

For Jono there are no easy wins on offer, few headline-grabbing achievements—just a vague sense of battling inexorably against long-term forces far beyond his control.

The Academic Vice-President is basically tasked with slamming his or her head repeatedly against the brick wall that is the steady defunding, creeping managerialism and academic watering-down of Victoria University.

It’s a wonder, then, that not only has Jono avoided dissolving into a cold blancmange of nihilistic despair, he actually seems relatively happy with his existence. From being the most articulate student voice on Academic Board (sorry Rick), to overseeing class representatives and various faculty groups, to reading hundreds of pages of documents in preparation for meetings, to side projects like the Know Your Rights pamphlet, it’s hard to fault anything Jono’s doing. But since nitpicking is Salient’s bread and butter, we’ll point out that Jono’s report is a bit light on specifics (though most of the reports had this problem), and that he’s somewhat prone to ostentatious remarks (see below).

Engagement Vice-President Toby Cooper

Welfare Vice-President Madeleine Ashton-Martyn

“Super duper” Toby Cooper’s report was easily the best of the lot, crammed with a huge amount of detail and specifics.

Toby’s organised an astounding number of events and services this year, most of them concentrated during O-Week and ReO-Week. If you’re under the impression (possibly from reading Eye On Exec) that VUWSA doesn’t really do anything, read Toby’s report and be impressed. Toby also delivered more perceptive self-criticism than most of his peers, even if some of his touted achievements—such as “ensur[ing] that VUWSA had a presence … at Karori campus at least once every two months”—probably qualify as under-achievements. (Once every two months? Really?!? Oh well, the campus is closing anyway.)

Madeleine’s report featured some heinous text-wrapping and frequent use of the phrase “I have lead”, implying she’s been stockpiling some serious heavy metal reserves. Aside from that, she’s thrown herself into a variety of causes with, at best, passion and conscience; and, at worst (as she herself acknowledges), gimlet-eyed obsession.

From his report it sounds like he’s doing too much, and although his number of surplus hours (3 per week) is relatively modest compared to some of his peers, this is likely due to Toby under-reporting his hours, or just being crazy efficient. For example, for much of this year he’s had to help out a lot with VUWSA comms (VUWSA are now trying to recruit a full-time person for this role).

This seems to be taking a toll—toward the end of last trimester he looked exhausted and close to burn-out.

On the whole, this is a good trait for a Welfare Vice-President to have—but there’s a risk that, should she become the next President (and it seems likely she’ll have a tilt), her drive is such that she could end up riding roughshod over her Exec.

Having said that, Madeleine has been to the fore on a number of VUWSA’s most visible campaigns this year. While her main focuses have been on mental health and promoting intersectional feminism within VUWSA, the sheer range and variety of initiatives Madeleine has spearheaded is extremely impressive— running the gamut from puppy rooms to the Vanuatu Relief Appeal. She’s highly intelligent and articulate with a strong social conscience, and could be the person to re-inject the fire that VUWSA arguably needs.

Most student-politician-y statement Most student-politician-y [From a list of Most student-politician-y statement (two-way tie) “weaknesses”] “I find it statement “When I speak, the University difficult to emotionally N/A. Toby writes and talks must listen. Otherwise, they disassociate from the like a normal person. are ignoring the voices of the work … though I think this 20,000 students I strive to just comes from a place Surplus hours: 81 (17%) represent.” of genuinely really deeply “In every decision I have made Average hours per week: 23 caring about all areas of in my role, I have always asked this job and of VUWSA more myself the question, ‘what is generally.”

Overall rating: 4.5 best for students?’.”

Surplus hours: 128 (27%) Average hours per week: 25 Overall rating: 5 www.salient.org.nz

Surplus hours: 126 (26%) Average hours per week: 25 Overall rating: 4.5

issue 18

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Campaigns Officer Nathaniel Manning As far as Salient can tell, the Campaigns Officer is basically a dogsbody that the other Execcies can call on for help when they have a campaign to run. As a result it’s difficult to assess whether or not Nathaniel’s doing a good job, because those other Execcies then tend to take credit for the campaign, at best throwing Nathaniel a pity-mention in their own reports. According to his work reports Nathaniel has, proportionately, worked the highest number of surplus hours—which indicates either that he’s doing a lot of work for not much recognition, or that he’s not very efficient.

Nathaniel seems to have spent most of his time helping Toby with “Engagement things”, which might explain how Toby has managed to tick off so many achievements without racking up a huge surplus of hours.

But whether these activities really qualify as “campaigns” is somewhat questionable.

Nathaniel was also responsible for one of the more surreal passages of these halfyear reports, where he refers to he and Toby “borrowing a couple of laptops and a muppet”.

Most student-politician-y statement “I have been the most active on the VUWSA Twitter account.”

Surplus hours: 141 (60%) Average hours per week: 15.5 Overall rating: 3.5

Education Officer Ellen Humphries

Clubs and Activities Officer Rory McNamara “Naughty Rory” is the closest thing this Exec has to a maverick, which is slightly sad because really he’s just a normal person. He’s also the only member of Exec to run up a deficit of hours in the first half of the year, although this is largely due to an internship in China over January and February—since the start of the academic year he’s posted a decent surplus.

Rory’s report was light on specifics, consisting of broad statements about his responsibilities rather than examples of actual things he has accomplished. This year he’s been trying to tackle two very big projects—bringing back the Capping Revue and fixing the management of clubs. Neither has come through yet, and either one, if achieved, would bump up his score considerably.

Most student-politician-y statement “I feel I have contributed greatly to the Victoria University of Wellington and VUWSA, tirelessly working to improve the student experience.”

Ellen’s report was one of the better ones, with plenty of detail and a refreshing lack of what linguists like to call “vague and unhelpful bollocks”. Salient doesn’t get to see much of Ellen because she can only make it to every second Exec meeting, and when she is there she’s pretty quiet—so it’s a relief to find out that she’s actually, y’know, smart and stuff.

Ellen is basically in charge of training and coordinating class reps and generally helping out Jono. She’s been doing an excellent job— she’s a strong, dependable worker, and other Execcies value her greatly and are quick to sing her praises.

Most student-politician-y statement “I feel confident in the mandate I enjoy being able to represent my fellow students and bring their issues to the forefront of generally staff dominated meetings.”

Surplus hours: 48 (20%) Average hours per week: 12 Overall rating: 4.5

Surplus hours: -10 (-4%) Average hours per week: 9.5 Overall rating: 3.5

editor@salient.org.nz

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Equity Officer Chennoah Walford

Treasurer-Secretary Jacinta Gulasekharam

Chennoah’s report contained lots of helpful context and historical perspective about the role of the Equity Officer, which was created out of a merger of various minority representative positions. However, it was also quite padded-out, frequently vague, and packed with phrases like “facilitating a twoway dialogue” and “the holistic business of the student association”.

Jacinta’s performing a role that, historically, has been largely swallowed up by menial tasks like minute-taking during Exec meetings.

That she’s had the time to do anything else this year is thanks largely to VUWSA hiring a full-time Secretary, but also to Jacinta’s excellent work ethic, efficiency and organisation.

Despite the turgid prose, Chennoah’s greatest virtues as an Execcie are her bullshit detector and sharp tongue, and she’s one of the only Execcies who actually challenges people during meetings or tries to stimulate genuine debate. She’s also done a lot of work this year creating Memoranda of Understanding with representative groups. Outside of that, though, there are few concrete achievements (at one point in her report she resorts to listing “numerous coffee catch ups” and “attending film screenings” as examples of her work), and her main problem seems to be a lack of follow-through.

Most student-politician-y statement “Moving into the future, it is important that the Equity Officer retains strong connections with representative groups for meaningful and intersectional advancement of equity issues to occur.”

Surplus hours: 29 (12%) Average hours per week: 11 Overall rating: 3

www.salient.org.nz

VUWSA’s tangled mess of policies is finally getting cleared up, and, for the first time in years, VUWSA actually looks likely to set next year’s budget before the end of the year.

This might seem like a very basic thing for any marginally competent association, but for VUWSA it’s something of a milestone.

Jacinta has also hounded the other Execcies into providing their reports on time (and is probably the reason their half year reports weren’t even later).

Most student-politician-y statement “I would implore other first years to consider running for VUWSA for their second year to be part of a wonderful team and cause that grows you as a person.”

Surplus hours: 66 (28%) Average hours per week: 12.5 Overall rating: 5

Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer Rory Lenihan-Ikin Rory Lenihan-Ikin, aka “Good Rory”, aka “Rory the GC”, is a bit of GC. He’s kind of like Jono, in that it’s impossible to find anything vaguely objectionable about him.

This makes it difficult, for example, to write a snarky 200-word review of his performance for a student magazine. Instead, Salient has devised a concept for a set of campaign posters for Rory’s next election campaign, entitled “Vote for Rory, he’s a GC”. These include: —Rory riding a bicycle while being a GC —Rory turning off a light switch while being a GC —Rory planting a community garden while being a GC —Rory doing some composting stuff, and simultaneously being a GC —Rory running an organic food co-op while being a GC —Rory hugging a puppy and teaching it how to be a GC. Salient is willing to negotiate with Rory over the prospective sale of this IP, and also over the terms of a potential new friendship.

Most student-politician-y statement “A co-operative model of food distribution brings the focus to the supply chain.”

Surplus hours: 99 (42%) Average hours per week: 14 Overall rating: 4.5

issue 18

Features

19

The Executive Awards Longest report Rick 4584 words Shortest report Naughty Rory 1229 words Worst ratio of nap rooms delivered to nap rooms promised Rick 0:1 The “Help, I Have No Life” Award for the most surplus hours worked Nathaniel 141 (60%) The Mike Hosking Award for most blatantly misleading statement (three-way tie) Rick: “I’m proud of facilitating a breakeven budget” (the budget only breaks even because of an unsustainable sixfigure bailout from the VUWSA Trust).

Rick: Executive meetings “are a key way of ensuring the Executive is on track and accountable to our members”.

Toby: “the IGM achieved quorum faster than in previous years and connected with more members. This increase in member engagement means improved Executive accountability through the IGM.” (The IGM was held in the Hub and the Exec just pretended that a bunch of people who happened to be in the Hub at the time were “attending”.)

The GC Award for being a GC Good Rory editor@salient.org.nz

Features

issue 18

Features

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The Working Girl's Class BRIDGET BONES

As a society, we seem to have some pretty strong opinions on sex.

Whether it’s the sex you’re having, the sex your friends are having, or the sex some celebrity may or may not be having, we’re pretty involved in what goes on between the sheets. But, as a society, we also tend to turn a blind eye to the world of sex that exists outside of what we’re comfortable with. Beneath our privileged covering of sex and our emotional attachment to it, we seem to be unaware of the lives of sex workers.

While many choose to categorise sex workers as “abused drug-addicts” or “sluts” (word to the wise: stop saying that), there is a new class of sex worker that breaks all of the traditional stereotypes. The new-age sex worker is smart. She is sophisticated. She knows what she is doing, why, and what she wants to achieve. She is a student, a mother, a housewife. She is a woman, and she should be respected.

The reality of sex work is that women are flocking to higher-end brothels in favour of the back-alley establishments that we expect.

Modern prostitutes are choosing to work in high-class establishments that promote a safe and secure work environment. While these women are selling their bodies, they are doing so in an environment that promotes personal wellbeing above all else. And they’re loving it! The question then is what makes this so appealing? Why are intelligent, level-headed women to eager to sample the “forbidden fruit” of the sex trade?

For some, the answer is simple. So simple in fact, that it is the first question asked when applying to many brothels. The question: Do you like sex? Nearly all of the women who choose to become escorts

do so because they enjoy sex, and are not ashamed to admit it. There is no shame in embracing your own sexuality, and in the world of sex workers, this is respected. In fact, it is celebrated. Women are searching for safe and supportive environments in which they can explore their sexuality. Smart, attractive and ambitious women are using sex to earn money—and there is nothing wrong with it!

One escort I spoke to at The Bedroom put it bluntly: “I love sex. And I got sick of being used by guys who were just after a one night stand.

If I’m gonna have sex once, I might as well get something out of it.”

It’s quite simple really. The reality of most sex workers is that they CHOOSE to do it. With the cost of living increasing, and student debts growing, the number of women studying or in careers choosing to earn money from sex work is growing. The trend amongst workers at Bon Ton and The Bedroom, two elite Wellington agencies, was simple: it was more beneficial to them to work as an escort, and get paid well to do something they enjoy, than work for nine hours in a restaurant for half the money. “Sure, I may not have made millions,” says Lily* from The Bedroom. “But I am able to support myself and live comfortably while doing what I enjoy. And I work about a fifth of the time my full-time friends do for the same money.”

In 2003 the Government passed the Prostitution Reform Act, which legalised commercial sexual services in New Zealand and introduced a range of new safety protocols for the industry. Since then, a rise in high-class agencies that offer a sophisticated service has changed the face of sex work. The aim of the industry is to rid the stigma surrounding sex workers, and create a new image of what prostitution editor@salient.org.nz

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is about. In Wellington, there is only one road you are legally allowed to be a street prostitute on, Marion Street. This regulation tries to encourage prostitutes to work in brothels rather than on the street, making it safer for the women.

In agencies, it is easier to monitor what’s going on between the sheets.

The laws stipulate that clients must wear a condom at all times when sex is taking place. Condoms and dental dams must also be used for oral services. The aim is to significantly reduce the risk of spreading sexual diseases, and that’s a huge benefit to the industry. There are also laws surrounding how clean the establishments need to be—sheets must be washed after each booking, and anything used in the booking (for example sex toys) must be cleaned properly. Ultimately, the escort industry is hoping to remove the risk of spreading sexual diseases, which is a massive plus for the industry’s reputation.

And the changes that have taken place due to the new laws have also changed the type of women who become escorts. Jane*, owner and manager of The Bedroom, says she has seen a huge change in the type of women who work as escorts. “When I first opened my business, most of the girls coming into the industry were young girls who could work 12-hour shifts in a parlour and then sleep all day. But it’s changed now; we are getting more young professionals who want to make a bit of extra income.”

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clean white sheets, French-style décor and a gorgeous, sophisticated atmosphere. The Bedroom boasts only two rooms, which makes for a much more intimate feel. The hours are also better; in the high-end establishments you choose your hours to fit your schedule. For most, this means coming in for a booking and then going back to their ordinary lives. In lower-end establishments women can sit around for 12 hours waiting for bookings, and this has some pretty negative consequences. The women may walk away having earnt nothing all night, and the long hours often lead them to drugs in order to stay awake—a reputation the industry is trying to avoid. There is also something to be said for the amount of money a woman makes in a booking compared to how much she works. Escorting agencies are required to offer women at least a 50:50 cut of what they earn. At The Bedroom, the cut is 60:40 to the woman. That means that an hour’s work will earn a woman around $240, not including tips.

The new guidelines and laws surrounding sex work has made it safer for everyone involved. And this is reflected in the clientèle. Men are happy to spend more money to receive a safer, more enjoyable and sophisticated service. “I’ve had clients who didn’t even want to have sex,” says Alex*, an escort at a top Wellington agency. “We get a lot of lonely men who just want someone to talk to, and perhaps kiss. It’s not all about the sex for everyone.”

There is also a stricter criteria for becoming an escort. In most highend agencies, women who have previously worked as escorts in “lowclass” establishments or on the street will be turned away. The aim in doing this is to ensure the safety of everyone involved by further removing the risk of STI. Agencies also tend to turn away women who are virgins, and women who confess to having a large amount of unsafe sex. Of course, this is not the same for all agencies; lower-class agencies tend to accept anyone who wants to become a sex worker.

But the industry is changing; women are more inclined to work for high-end agencies than the low-end establishments society is most aware of.

For most men, they don’t want to be reminded they are paying for an escort service, so agencies are trying to remove this feeling. Jane says she wants The Bedroom “to feel more like their mistress’ bedroom than a hotel room”. And this move has huge benefits for the women as well; they don’t have to feel like stereotypical sex workers. The women get to work in safe, respectful workplaces where they can feel comfortable. And the best part? The girls call the shots. “If I don’t want to have sex with a particular client, I can turn them down,” says Lily. “It lets me be in control of my body, which is great.” The right to turn down any client is written into the Act, and therefore applies to all agencies, not just the high-end ones. Again, the desired outcome here is to keep the women safe.

The reasons? For most, it’s the fact that high-end establishments offer a bigger cut for the women. The environment is also a lot nicer.

Workers at The Bedroom are treated to a workspace that looks like something out of a movie. A quick search on their website shows

And the new laws have introduced another benefit for women: it celebrates sex. Anna*, an ex-worker at The Bedroom, told me that “when I first started, Jane* asked me what the difference was between working as an escort and going to Courtenay Place on a Saturday night

www.salient.org.nz

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Features

and expecting a guy to buy you a few drinks before you fucked him?

He’s still buying you; at least this way the money’s better and it’s a lot safer.” In the sex work industry, there is no discrimination. Everyone is treated as an equal, and there is an unspoken understanding between the women as to why they are there. And in some cases, there’s a real connectedness with the client.

“It’s a really fascinating job,” says Tara* from Funhouse, an agency that specialises in kink-focused services. “Every man is different, and sometimes there are moments of real connectedness. You’re a provider of happiness in the simplest form, and that’s really rewarding.” And with every man being different, there is a huge range of services offered across the numerous brothels around Wellington. At Funhouse, a man can be treated to a woman who enjoys his deepest fantasies. At Bon Ton, massage-only services are offered. The range is huge, and is tailored to what the woman is comfortable with offering. No one is forced to offer a service they are not comfortable with, and women tend to work for agencies that reflect their own areas of interest.

The Prostitution Reform Act had a massive impact on the sex industry.

The Act saw a huge shift toward keeping women who work as escorts safe. New Zealand has made a great effort to reshape the reputation of the sex industry, but there is still a lot of work to do.

Expand your career options

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Unfortunately, there’s a massive stigma that surrounds sex workers.

This stigma is usually the result of portrayals of the industry in American movies and TV. There’s also misunderstanding. There is a disgust, or fear, or whatever you want to call it, that comes from a lack of education as to what sex work involves.

But this is New Zealand. Prostitution is legal. And it’s legal for a reason. It’s safe, it’s secure, and the women are respected within the industry. Sure, it may not be for everyone, but if it’s not hurting or affecting you directly, why oppose it?

Essentially, prostitution in New Zealand is a moral issue rather than a legal one. It’s about where you stand on the idea, and how open you are to it. No one is forcing you to become a sex worker. And no one is forcing you to be okay with the idea. But there needs to be a social change in the stigma surrounding sex workers and the sex industry. These women are working hard for their money, just not in the traditional sense. And the industry as a whole is doing its best to revamp its reputation, and allow these women to be viewed in a more positive light.

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For more information: engdegreeadvice@canterbury.ac.nz +64 3 364 2608 www.engf.canterbury.ac.nz/postgrad editor@salient.org.nz

Joe Levy joelevydesign.com

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salient

Freemasonry: Just Dudes Being Dudes Sharon Lam How can you tell if someone’s been to South America? They’ll tell you. They’ll tell you in this phony tone, their voice suddenly dropping as they falsely gaze at something in the distance. The act is miniscule and over in a matter of seconds but always ensures a super-casual front before they namedrop the continent, maybe pre-empted by a small laugh, finished with some story you have already lost interest in. While most commonly exhibited by adolescent gap-year males, it is a universal phenomenon and has been proven that there is not a single person who has been to South America who has not told everyone they have been to South America—not even the CEO of the New Zealand Freemasons. He dropped it into our conversation just as the manner above, like many a dudebro before him. In fact, throughout the course of the interview, I found that this was just one of many parallels between the everyday dudebro and the everyday Freemason.

The Freemason offices are conveniently situated on Willis Street. You can pick up pre-mixed Tikka Masala spices, get birth control pills and make an appointment www.salient.org.nz

with your local Freemason all within a stretch of twenty metres—all hail the modern age! I approached the unfamiliar entrance by the familiar Freemason logo and walked in. It is always unnerving to enter a foreign building you have no business in being in, especially when the purpose of your visit is to hopefully talk to someone from a secret organisation, your knowledge of which has been entirely derived from National Treasure.

Inside, I entered an 80s office-chic elevator, featuring an especially low ceiling, and selected the floor for the Freemasons’ corporate headquarters. In the triptych of mirrors I saw my nervous reflection and told myself “I am Louis Theroux, I am Louis Theroux”. The doors opened to a reception desk also emblazoned with the Freemason logo, where a receptionist was talking on the phone. I awkwardly hovered by the front of the desk as she assuredly stated lower prices from Warehouse Stationery to the other party, and I respected both her assertiveness and preparedness in her task of paper purchasing. Looking around, the offices were very much the same as any other medium density Wellington office.

Tidy overall, slightly outdated furniture, fluorescent lighting amongst the speckled ceiling tiles—a far cry from the historically accurate recreations in National Treasure.

Once the receptionist had purchased some paper at a fair price, she fixed me up with an appointment for the next day, though not before asking in detail what the exact purpose of my visit was and what exactly I wanted to discuss. I really had no idea at all and I’ll admit that the receptionist was a bit intimidating. I can’t quite remember what I mumbled but I am sure Theroux would have been proud.

When I returned the following morning, the receptionist’s tone had changed remarkably. Perhaps her paper deal had been especially well received by the boss.

“Ah, it’s Susanne isn’t it?” she cheerfully asked. It wasn’t but it was close enough and I felt much more at ease. The casual tone continued when I met my interviewee, who turned out to be the CEO of the New Zealand Freemasons, Laurence Milton, who resembled the beloved Captain Underpants.

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In a sunny office, once again containing nothing out of the ordinary, Laurence discussed the basics of Freemasonry in New Zealand. There are over seven thousand Freemasons throughout the country, and about one and a half thousand in Wellington. It is hard not to notice the numeric parallels between Freemasons and another group in society, the dudebro—there are probably seven thousand dudebros in Wellington, and about one and a half thousand at Victoria alone. Freemason numbers peaked in New Zealand after World War II, when men sought avenues for male companionship and a place to drink after pubs closed at five pm. The need to resort to secrecy for male companionship is reflective of gender norms at the time, though no one is more heteronormative than the modern day dudebro, still embarrassingly heard justifying close dudebro friendships with “no homo”.

There are only two prerequisites to become a Freemason—that you are a male over twenty-one, and that you believe in a supreme being. Note that many dudebros are around twenty-one years of age and are seen sporting knockoff Supreme clothing—yes, I can also hear The X-Files theme song. Laurence then emphasises the inclusiveness of Freemasonry and that any supreme being is acceptable, with your word being sufficient testament.

Religious discussion is in fact discouraged as it can lead to exclusion, which is not the Freemason way.

For women, there is a masonic group called The Order of the Eastern Star, and wives and daughters of Freemasons are also welcomed into the community. Dudebros are also inclusive in this manner—the ubiquitous Puffer Jacket Girl acts much in the same way as an affiliate masonic group.

Freemasons focus on the construction of King Solomon’s temple for allegorical teaching, while The Order of the Eastern Star focuses on the heroines of the Bible such as Martha and Ethel. In the same vein, dudebros find salvation at the temple of Hallensteins and Puffer Jacket Girls at Glassons.

If the prerequisites are met, all one needs to join is to get in touch with one’s friendly neighbourhood Freemason, either through the phone or online, have a coffee with them, go along to a few social events, and then decide whether or not it they want to proceed with membership. You are officially initiated through a “dignified”

Features ceremony, where you are blindfolded and led inside a masonic lodge. Other Freemasons tell stories aloud as the new member is marched around the lodge, until they are finally asked to promise to uphold the principles and laws of Freemasonry, which are basically to have high moral standards. Then, the blindfold is removed, symbolic of the member having entered “in darkness” and now “open to the light”.

This language is similar to the language used when a dudebro smokes weed for the first time.

As a member, you attend monthly meetings proper regalia, consisting of aprons, cuffs and sashes. The exact type of regalia changes as you move up the ranks or “degrees” of Freemasonry, which can be achieved through “time and choice”. Dudebros also have a uniform, which consists of singlets, too-long t-shirts and chinos or shorts. It is unknown at this point whether or not dudebros operate on a similar system to the Freemasons; do burgundy chinos denote a higher-ranking dudebro than one in mustard-yellow chinos? The uniforms of the two groups also highlight a point of difference—masonic aprons and robes are of thick material, while dudebros are often seen in shorts and t-shirts, even in winter.

This can be attributed to the thick layer of insecurity that keeps dudebros warm, while Freemasons are more mature and secure with themselves so do not have this layer, hence requiring warmer regalia.

Finally, I asked Laurence about misconceptions the public may have and if there are really any “secrets”. He noted that Dan Brown’s writing, bar creative leniencies to create plot, was quite accurate its representation of modern Freemasonry.

This surprised me, but I was even more surprised that not only is The Da Vinci Code a dudebro’s favourite movie to quote to

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appear intellectual (others include Shutter Island and Fight Club), have a look at the initials of Dan Brown—and the first letters of Dude and Bro… As far as secrets go, Laurence stated that “everything is on the internet these days” and that the only real secrets are their handshakes and passwords. The knowledge of these also differs according to your rank, a tradition that began as a system for stonemasons to prove their adequacy for employment before there were regulated qualifications. When I asked what happens when a Freemason tells a non-member about these secrets, Laurence said that they would merely tell him “that was very silly”. This reflects a somewhat positive attribute of the dudebro, their laidback “whatever bro” attitude. In fact, the only way a member faces automatic expulsion is if they break the law, as this is not reflective of the high standard of ethics Freemasons live by.

In my attempts to become more informed about an organisation shrouded in mystery, I did not find what Nicolas Cage found on the back of the Declaration of Independence, but I did find a community of dudes active in charity (giving out $200k of scholarships this year alone), dudes swearing by good morals, dudes wearing special rings and allegorically learning from King Solomon, just dudes being dudes. Laurence’s message to the student body was to not be put off by the “old”ness of Freemasonry—they are very much welcoming of younger members and he felt optimistic about the future of Freemasonry.

As I have already highlighted, the parallels are already there—so dudebros, why not become a Freemason?

Masonic Handshakes/grips 1. Grip of an entered apprentice

5. Real grip of a master mason “Lion’s Paw”

2. Apprentice to the pass grip of a fellow craft

6. Pass-grip of a mark master mason

3. Real grip of a fellow craft 4. Pass grip of a master mason

7. Real grip of a mark master mason 8. Grip of a most excellent master

editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

Want slightly cheaper cakes or discounted Resene wallpaper? Well, you’re in luck! All you need to do is overcome any motor skill limitations on “coloring in tiny circles at high speed” and join Mensa, the “genius club”, to enjoy these member benefits.

Mensa, Cultural Bias, and Immeasurable Invalidity Brontë Ammundsen

What even is Mensa?

1.

Mensa is the oldest and largest “high IQ society” in the world. In 1946, Australian barrister Roland Berrill and British scientist and lawyer Dr Lancelot Ware decided that their unintelligent peasant friends weren’t good enough. So they founded Mensa, finally filling the hole in their lives formed by never making it into the “cool kids’ club”.

(Disclaimer: this may not be 100 per cent true.)

2.

The name Mensa comes from the Latin word for table, chosen in conjunction with the logo, to demonstrate the “round-table” nature of the society. Ironically, the logo represents a table that isn’t round, but is either a square or triangle. To qualify for Mensa, one must score at or above the 98th percentile on an approved intelligence test.

As a society, Mensa apparently has three main purposes: www.salient.org.nz

3.

To identify and to foster human intelligence for the benefit of humanity.

To encourage research into the nature, characteristics, and uses of intelligence.

To provide a stimulating intellectual and social environment for its members.

This roughly translates in layman’s terms as “to find smartarses, to encourage research for only those proficient in smartarsery, and put all the smartarses in a room for a whole new take on Battle Royale”. On the online forum exclusive to Mensans, a myriad of keyboard warriors go at it as though their well-protected virginity were at stake.

Wonderfully intellectual arguments abound, with knockout backtalk, such as “There’s no point getting mad at me questioning you.

I have no ideological grounds to question these assertions, I question everything on a point of principle” and “Yeah, well IMO the Pursuit of happiness seems like a pretty petite-bourgeois idea. Still searching, Mr Consumerism?”

Compelling arguments, folks.

In addition to providing a playground for the opinionated, Mensa tries to work toward its goals by providing a platform for the “likeminded” Mensa members to meet and chat, supporting a range of charities, and funding a bunch of scholarships that I had never heard of before. This is in part through the online forums, but also through regular newsletters and journals, and vague “meet-ups” around the globe. Oh, and I can’t resist mentioning the existence of Mensan-only dating sites.

Why did I become a member? (Other than bragging rights, duh) I’ve long been vocal in my angst over the concept of intelligence. Intelligence isn’t quantifiable. In fact, the actual meaning of “intelligence” itself is widely debated. For example, while Einstein has said that “the true sign of intelligence is not knowledge,

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but imagination”, Socrates chimed in with “I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing” (note: don’t try to make sense of that while high. Hypothetically), and Stephen Hawking’s take is that “Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change”.

Ultimately,what you consider to be intelligence differs between people, between cultures, between environments, between upbringings.

It differs both subjectively, in terms of how one perceives intelligence personally, and arguably objectively depending on a specific “variety” of intelligence. One may be intelligent in terms of capacity to memorise, but not be able to understand the memorised content. One may be able to utilise logic, yet not possess common sense. One may be able to understand complex concepts, yet not have the verbal ability to explain them.

So why join Mensa? Often, after going on this tirade, I’ve been met by the agitating, raised-eyebrow response of “or perhaps you’re just insecure about your own intelligence, and you only hate Mensa because you’re not a member”. Pish posh. I’m well aware that I am the smartest person in the world. After a particular arsehole I know peer made this argument, I decided to shut him up and just take the damn test myself. Fortunately for my ego, I was eventually alerted by email that I apparently scored at the 99th percentile.

The email went on to explain to my pathetic 99th-percentile brain what a percentile is.

In addition, the “formal” induction to what touts itself as a prestigious society was rife with grammatical errors. It even began with “hi Bronte”, as all formal emails do.

Why I think Mensa is bullshit (not just IQ tests) Mensa NZ holds supervised tests a few times a month, each in a different city. On the Saturday of the test, things got off to an unprofessional start. The room that had been booked for the test was not big enough for everybody to sit it at once, so we were split into two groups. The test itself was not even a full structured IQ test; it was two sections out of an eight-section test. It was approximately twenty minutes long, and the supervisor forgot to bring a timer, so borrowed a phone from somebody taking the test.

After going over the basics of the test, we were set to begin. We were told that the test was no longer composed of written questions but instead based on images. Written questions had been removed to prevent language barriers—the irony being that the test was

now rife with new forms of cultural bias.

The test was composed of little successions of cartoons, and a multiple-choice fill-inthe-blank sort of answer system. Many of the cartoons involved scenes of people in uniforms and other culturally influenced clothing. Others involved culturally relative activities, such as sports. A particular question that stood out to me was “[Rugby Ball image] is to [Rugby Goal] as [Basketball image] is to [blank]”.

Having never actually played basketball, my initial reflex was actually to think “soccer goal”. Fortunately, this wasn’t actually one of the offered answers—but there was a lacrosse goal, which looked identical to a soccer goal but for some obscure lacrosse apparatus in the vicinity.

The cultural bias of the various cartoons was clear cut. Not only this, the supposedly “logic-based” test was far more of a race against your natural motor skills. The test is timed, and the idea is to answer as many questions as you can within a set time limit.

The first section offered roughly 40 questions to be answered in seven minutes. Apparently, logic is defined by being able to colour in circles to depict your multi choice answer as fast as possible, and being able to speedthink rather than use a methodical system to work through problems.

What’s this about benefits?

Because Mensa NZ isn’t enough of a joke yet, membership comes with discounts. A 10 per cent discount from the LoveCake Company online orders and 15 per cent off normal retail price of Resene wallpaper and premium paint are just two of the six staggering deals.

In addition, Mensa offers you Service for Information, Guidance, and Hospitality to Travellers (SIGHT), which roughly translates to couch surfing for wankers. This is an exclusive tourist-aid club for members worldwide, to show travellers around and help them find a pleb-free place to stay.

Ultimately?

Mensa may have genuine intentions at heart, but at the end of the day, it’s attempting to create a completely purposeless class hierarchy based on a flimsy distinguishing factor (intelligence). Long term benefits of being in Mensa, especially in a country with membership as small as in New Zealand, are

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essentially null. I gain nothing as a member, and the only thing I’ve so far observed people “benefit” from Mensa membership is an unjustified sense of pride and entitlement.

The Mensa Forum I’ll now leave you with a peek into the Mensa forum, to show you how society’s most intellectually gifted use their badge of honour. Note: an SIG is a Special Interest Group, little groups formed by Mensans with common interests.

From the forum thread “Dating SIG for singles” “My opinion as a biologist on the issue of dating: Why should i, as a intelligent person, wish to disadvantage my children in the reproduction game (e.g. by breeding very clever ones)? ... As a biologist, i would recommend everyone at the edge of character distribution to interbreed with regular average characters.”

From the forum thread “Underachieving Mensans” “Welcome to underachieving mensans! We are an SIG for Mensans constantly being told ‘you’re not living up to your potential!’”

From the forum thread “Highly Intelligent Conservatives” “There was a recent study indicating that higher IQ correlates with liberalism while slightly below average IQ correlates with strong conservatism. There is also a general stereotype of conservatives as rednecks, idiots, etc. and this is an idea I see consistently repeated on web pages that allow political commentary. Obviously, if you are a conservative reading this thread, you are near or at genius level, and you aren’t alone.

So, what do we do about these ignorant stereotypes? How do we respond to smug elitism, (especially when we are pretty certain it is coming from someone less intelligent)?”

And my personal favourite, the forum thread “Any Satanist Mensans?”

“Although it may appear to be a Satanworshipping cult, it’s more of an elitist clique of misanthropes, a predominantly atheistic ‘nexion’ dominated by unsavoury types where libertarians and radical fascists become unholy bedfellows, socialists and Christians are mercilessly flamed, egos get big, eugenics is glorified, the possible virtues of ‘culling’ the weak are debated, and the right of the strong to screw over the weak is brashly asserted.”

editor@salient.org.nz

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Buying Class

Gus Mitchell

How many ways do you think there are to tie the average necktie?

According to statistical physicist Thomas Fink, mathematically there are 85, based on shape, symmetry and the way in which the tie is laid at each point one ties the knot.

Fink published his findings in The 85 Ways to Tie a Tie and The Man’s Book, the latter being a handbook cataloguing all manner of obsessive minutiae of classy heteronormative appearance and behaviour, written in an intelligent but tongue-in-cheek manner. It was given to me around my 13th birthday, a gift that seemed to signify both my impending maturation and general interest in trivial minutiae of any subject.

Fink himself is something of a gentleman intellectual, his Wikipedia article listing him as a “physicist, author and entrepreneur” www.salient.org.nz

who enjoys such interests outside of research as “design, simplicity, adaptability, skiing and shooting”. He turns every aspect of the well-to-do man’s life in The Man’s Book into something you’re more likely to see in a textbook or a research paper; a dendrogram classifying the similarities in tastes between malt whisky, the compared dimensions of different sized cigars by length and circumference, the minimum number of shirts and trousers one should pack for a trip (shirts squared should be equal trousers cubed: for example, a man with 5 pairs of trousers should pack 11 shirts as a decent non-repeating rotation). There’s a sizeable section dedicated to dealing with the fairer sex and the responsibilities that come with marriage, anniversaries and appropriate gift-giving.

I’d put the book out of mind for years until Salient started doing reports on The Bachelor.

When the finale aired we all watched as human asparagus stick Arthur Green hemmed and hawed over what ring to buy his lucky contestant/future spouse, when suddenly out of the blue (read: sponsorship deal), who should show up at the door but Sir Michael Hill himself. After the rolled eyes had settled, Hill sat his patsy down and explained to him the ethos of the Hill brand, to find a ring that suited a woman’s personality and lifestyle.

Companies are always going to leap onto the newest to draw attention to themselves.

But was Art’s dilemma simply marketing packaged as sincerity, or vice versa? On that note, did the aged tips of The Man’s Book still hold up to scrutiny?

I decided I’d have to talk to some experts and investigate. Originally intending to do a full breadth of things in all manner of expense

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and good taste, I ultimately decided to stick to the classics: jewellery, suits and perfume.

I started research on a slow Sunday afternoon around the “Golden Shopping Mile” of Lambton Quay. It felt jarring walking into a place like Trelise Cooper or the Lacoste alligator pit that is Kirkcaldie and Stains in my usual scruffy coat-jeansand-hobo-gloves combo, sticking out like a sore unmanicured thumb among all the middle-aged women and their aged, balding husbands. But the shop assistants and managers were all too happy to answer my questions despite my shlebbish attire. They all knew their product and the customers who buy them, though not with the same precision as Fink’s mathematical proofs.

People are naturally afraid to put money into anything seen as an expense, be it a suit for work or an engagement ring, so people tend to shop cautiously, but when it comes to the sales pitch, emotion precedes reason. The pitch I was most intrigued by was the two perfume salespeople (one man, one woman) in Kirkaldie and Stains.

“Certain language is going to resonate differently with different people,” said the saleswoman. “If I say, ‘This perfume is a really classic smell’ to a girl of 22, it means nothing to her, and then I have to explain that then means it’s going to be slightly deeper and woodier and spicy, a bit strong.”

“If you say ‘floral’ to an older lady, they expect a certain smell, but [what constitutes floral] has changed a lot over the years. You sort of have to customise your style of selling.”

That seemed to be the case for every store that I went to. I still hem and haw over whether to put money down on a nice cologne, recognising the inherent appeal scent plays in one’s presentation but hesitant as to whether I’m just paying for what amounts to very expensive Lynx.

The salesman at Kirkcaldies preferred to sell perfume by brand, as names carry just as much weight as adjectives. For example, Elie Saab has an elegant connotation, and because it is coupled with a diamond-faceted bottle, he would tend to sell it to a woman with a lot of jewellery.

It’s the connotation with style and taste that really helps seals the deal. I couldn’t help but be reminded of Mad Men and the series’ central motif of advertising; you’re not selling a product, you’re selling an idea.

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He then went on to describe another older saleswoman and the artifice she uses to appeal to customers.

“One thing she does with Narciso Rodriguez, which is for the men, she will cater that to a darker man because it suits their skin better.

And she’ll sell it by saying ‘Imagine you’re on a leather brown armchair couch in a luxurious VIP area with a big cigar’ and sells it that way.

“She creates a virtual world that you can almost smell it in your head. That how she sells them. [She] associates them with a place that you would rather be in.”

It’s hard to deny the aspirational quality of these products. Class may be a social construct, but it is displayed through physical constructs. Being rich, having class, being able to afford and wear all of these things makes you feel like a completely different person.

For instance, every self-respecting male is expected to own at least one suit he can throw on at a moment’s notice.

“Like architecture and typography, a suit is built up out of minor variations on inherited wisdom,” Fink begins a section on dress sense. You need to go to an expert, the kind of people who know their Armani from their Canali, and the finer suit stores have the wealth of knowledge in spades. An old flatmate of mine, works at Vance Vivian, a suit store on Lambton Quay that has been around for 94 years.

“I think people come here because we have probably the best quality clothes in New Zealand,” his manager began. “They come here because of the level of service and advice they will get, which they won’t get in a lot of department stores.”

If the clientèle know what they want, they will go and buy $500-$600 suits off the rack without so much as a word. The more intensive sells are a team effort between the salesmen; one order from Australia moved around $15,000 worth of stock, with the salesmen along for the ride. The jewellery stores were more tight-lipped about their prices and clients.

From what my old flatmate James told me, it’s the department stores that deceive you, or at least don’t put in as much effort into giving you advice on how to use it.

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“When I went into Hallensteins just to have a look at the suits, they don’t actually look that different, but beyond the material it’s definitely different. The cut is horrible, they don’t sit properly, they’re baggy… It sort of makes people think of [buying] suits as more of a ‘dark art’ than it needs to be.”

It’s not just CEOs and the MPs that come by to shop, but also students coming out of university, looking for work at law and accounting firms, where they need to be presentable and above all confident in their own dapper skin.

Jewellery, meanwhile, is the most steeped in sentiment and commemoration.

“A lot of people when they get a promotion at work, anything really, birth of a child, passing of a loved one, want to commemorate that with a sentimental piece of jewellery or a watch,” said the saleswoman at Partridge Jewellry, a bespoke jewellery company on the Quay. “Something that can be held on to for a very long time and be handed down.”

Jewellery is also steeped in tradition, but many of those traditions and associations stem from companies creating a mythology around them. The number of stones in a ring is bound to a particular meaning; a solitaire, the quintessential wedding ring with the one stone, represents a dedication to one person or the binding of two people as one, while a three-stone ring represents a couple’s past, present and future together. The significance of birthstones for particular months of the year was popularised by department store and breakfast establishment Tiffany’s.

Anniversary gifts linked with a particular material were listed by Baltimore author Emily Post in her book Etiquette, first published in 1923 and now in its 18th edition.

You may have heard of the silver (25th) or diamond anniversary (60th). Newlyweds can expect the gift of dead trees for their paper (1st) and later wood anniversaries (5th). The longest marriage on record is one year off the hallowed 90th anniversary, when couples are expected to shell out for their granite anniversary.

By following some of these helpful tips, you too can purchase the ability to be a better person. Maybe you could set aside your Course-Related Costs for a nice Armani, they’d be only too happy to help.

editor@salient.org.nz

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Features

salient

Bird Shit Island William Blackler

On July 20 2015, over two years after veteran nurse Marianne Evers went public with allegations of concentration camplike conditions in Australia’s asylum seeker detention centre in Nauru, an Australian Senate inquiry into the allegations of abuse at the centre conducted a final, chilling round of public hearings. Staff contracted by the Australian Government to run the centre were amongst those who presented some of the most disturbing evidence heard by the inquiry so far, along with Nauru’s former Chief Justice, Hon. Geoffrey Eames AM QC, two former Nauru-based Save The Children workers, and staff from the Australian Department of Immigration and Border Protection.

The facility, and a similar one in Papua New Guinea, has been used by the Australian Government since 2001 to hold asylum seekers intercepted at sea, save for a period between 2008 and 2012 when the camps were closed. Those who are unable to be immediately returned, one way or another, to where they came from are detained www.salient.org.nz

indefinitely until they can be settled somewhere deemed appropriate—i.e., anywhere but Australia. This heavy-handed approach enjoys bipartisan political support and is popular with voters, but has been strongly condemned by legal experts, various NGOs, and the Australian Government’s own Human Rights Commission.

Senators at the inquiry were told of mass suicide pacts amongst asylum seekers, along with the sexual and physical abuse of children of detainees, a lack of suitable clothing, and detention centre staff on the island joking about trading drugs for sexual favours. Children of asylum seekers were witnessed fainting from heat exhaustion during school lessons in tents, and one policy required menstruating women to request sanitary products from male guards on an “as-needed” basis, purportedly to maintain security at the centre.

Interviews conducted by The Guardian earlier this year with former residents of the Nauru detention centre now settled on the island reveal the human cost of the governmental

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posturing. 19-year-old Benjamin said he reported experiencing suicidal thoughts to staff at the centre, and was told that nobody would stop him from killing himself. Hawo, a Somali woman who now lives in Anibare, one of four open camps on Nauru for those granted asylum, said she was a victim of “direct and indirect sexual assault” from locals and security staff contracted by the Australian Government whilst living in the detention facility. Despite this, she reported feeling safer inside the centre than living in Anibare, a sentiment shared by other former detainees.

The processing centre is just the latest hell to be imposed on Nauru—a tiny, isolated island nation of little more than 10,000 people— following a desperate history of exploitation ranging from the devastation of the island’s landscape by phosphate mining to the laundering of billions in Russian mafia funds through its banks. As the Senate inquiry draws to a close—still a long way off securing any commitment to reform—the new tragedy of a gradual descent into authoritarianism on Nauru is attracting increased attention beyond the island nation’s borders.

You might have seen it coming. A 2004 Transparency International report coauthored by Roland Kun, a now-suspended Nauruan opposition MP facing charges for speaking to foreign media, identified multiple issues regarding corruption on the island as well as flaws within its governance and legal structures. The report also made a number of recommendations for how Nauru could resolve these issues, clearly viewing Nauru’s constitution as more than a lost cause.

Features

But despite long playing an active diplomatic role in South Pacific—intervening, for example, by applying sanctions on Fiji during the 2006 coup d’état that were only lifted last year—it has repeatedly stated that the attacks on democracy and the rule of law in Nauru are a domestic matter for the Nauruan Government to handle.

Clearly a serious conflict of interest exists between Australia’s role as a diplomatic partner and provider of aid to Nauru and the asylum processing agreement between the two countries. The Abbott administration has demonstrated an aversion to scrutiny of its policy in this area—as demonstrated by its moves to ban staff on Nauru from discussing their work publicly, Abbott’s extraordinary claim that Australians are ‘sick of being lectured to by the United Nations’ after it claimed his Government’s border control policy violated the international convention against torture, and the sustained campaign to publicly undermine Australian Human Rights Commission president Gillian Triggs.

To then expect Australia to actively move to protect Nauru’s constitutional checks and balances, potentially exposing itself to all manner of legal and political challenges, is simply not realistic.

New Zealand, one of Nauru’s other main diplomatic partners, has gone some way towards filling the void in the meantime.

Foreign Affairs Minister Murray McCully talked directly with Nauru Prime Minister Baron Waqa after a group of lawyers and legal academics released a public letter urging action, and Parliament passed a motion from Green Party MP Kennedy Graham expressing concern about the situation on the island. McCully’s response, including a threat to cut some US$790k in funding for Nauru’s justice system, drew praise from some quarters and certainly looks proactive compared to Australia. But his rhetoric differs little from his comments after Eames and Law were done away with in early 2014; his confidence of “good faith” on the side of Nauru’s Government at the time has been proven categorically wrong in retrospect.

It seems the report held little weight among Nauru’s elite. The start of 2014 saw Nauru inexplicably sack and deport its only magistrate, Peter Law, and cancel the visa of Chief Justice Eames—both Australian citizens—and increase visa costs for visiting journalists from $200 to $8000, ostensibly for “revenue purposes”. Since then, its government has further undermined democracy and the rule of law on the island through banning access to Facebook, restricting freedom of speech, and prosecuting opposition MPs. The case for escalating the matter to a body such as the United Nations Security Council One might think the Australian Government (UNSC), which currently counts New would be extremely concerned about this Zealand as a temporary member, may not series of events. It has a legal obligation under immediately be apparent. But dismissing it the 1951 Refugee Convention to ensure that as an option ignores the wider implications the 655 asylum seekers in the Nauru centre, of Nauru’s situation, such as its potential many of whom are fleeing failed states and impact on the wider geopolitics of the Pacific despotic regimes, have their human rights region, or the precedent it sets for dealing protected, especially given that some will now with the current refugee crises in Europe be settled there for up to five years. and the Middle East. It also neglects the

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underpinnings of New Zealand’s successful campaign for a seat on the Council, which include a call for a greater focus on the rights of small states by the UNSC and our record of diplomatic work in the South Pacific.

The Government has so far dismissed the prospect of taking a multilateral approach through raising the matter at the UNSC, with a politically wounded McCully curiously suggesting New Zealand would work towards fresh peace talks between Palestine and Israel whilst chairing the Council in July. But escalating our concerns could also go some to way to dismissing speculation that New Zealand is caving to pressure from Australia to not rock the boat. University of Sydney Professor of International Law Ben Saul has claimed that the Australian Government “does not miss the absence of judges in Nauru… it simply allows both governments to have their way, and makes offshore processing easier”. Any such capitulation from a country with a supposedly independent foreign policy stance would be inexcusable.

UNSC involvement could yet prove unnecessary. Kennedy Graham told me he was satisfied with New Zealand’s response so far, but refused to comment on whether it would be appropriate to raise the matter at the UNSC should Nauru not pursue appropriate reform, instead claiming its Government should be given time to consider its position. McCully is also justifiably reluctant to cut aid for Nauru’s justice system, presumably recognising it would be difficult for another country to gain support for funding a broken justice system in an increasingly authoritarian country. But he should be equally reluctant to let Australia get away with neglecting its legal responsibilities towards refugees and asylum seekers.

New Zealand could take the easy option, let both Nauru and Australia off the hook, and probably not suffer any great consequences, at least not within the short term. This would certainly appease Tony Abbott, who much prefers to let any discussion about asylum seeker policy start and end with his Government’s success in “stopping the boats”. But not only would it make a mockery of our self-proclaimed role in the international sphere and push the island’s refugee and asylum seeker population further into harm’s way, it would also display a shameful level of historical blindness towards a country we permanently scarred for the sake of crop yields and export profits. It is not unreasonable to expect better. editor@salient.org.nz

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Features

salient

Mother Knows Cavaan Wild

Mother knows.

Mother knows her daughter is beautiful. Mother knows these boys, shades of men, wound her heart and body. Aching from the search for love, lust and short term affection to temporarily assuage her soul and make up for a Dad who was never there.

She knows her daughter is beautiful.

She is throbbing, thriving, fresh faced humanity; she’s beautiful but she doesn’t know it.

She knows what she doesn’t have. You know that; just you choose to turn a blind eye.

She’ll never see the glamour.

Not even with the glasses she needs, short sighted, only able to see to the end of the week. No health insurance so Mum payed them off for a year.

She’ll never touch the easy wealth, never smile with perfectly whitened teeth, flick her hair back, quietly strut, confidently on tanned legs in expensive dresses that stop between the thigh and the knee, not enough to be provocative, just enough to be tasteful and draw the right sort of attention.

She can’t afford to buy nappies or groceries or disinfectant or baby food or pay rent, or afford the time for hopes and dreams.

Tell her the measure of her worth, just $137.47 cents, a specified amount we chose to give her because we considered her surplus to requirements, a non event; full stop.

Tell her she won’t drown in this pool of dependency, teenage pregnancy and undiagnosed depression. We chained her hands to her face, a cinder block to her high heeled ankles, a lead balloon to her heart and threw her into an inescapable whirlpool of general poverty.

We gave her half of the antibiotic she and her children needed and left her on her own to develop an immunity while the throats of her children hacked a whooping cough in the winter months.

All she could do was hug their thin chests, racked with barking convulsions, rising and falling with each faltering wheeze. Hold their limp clammy fingers in the embrace of her hand, and just hope the heater won’t cut off.

No. Her dresses are too short and made to be pulled up and she draws all the unwanted attention at all the wrong places and times, and her skin is flushed with the exertion of trying to strut the line between living within her means and not living at all, and still trying to look good.

No foundation hides the beauty spots of a life lived with a foot forever on the pedal and another anxiously trying to dab at the brake. It’s a race to an uneven end and despite an unequal start be sure she’ll burn herself out first.

Tell her that she’s worth more than cracked pavements, frayed lawns, cracked hearts and frayed affections, tell her she can rise above the situation she’s stranded in.

She got into a lot of boys’ cars.

Heavy on the gas pedal and light on self preservation, Sometimes she came out with her dignity intact.

Those boys weren’t men, they were boys.

Tell her ‘everything’s okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end’.

Feed her with irresponsible cliches. But don’t tell her she can’t afford to live a carefree teenage life. www.salient.org.nz

But nobody taught them how to be men.

No man ever picked them up off the pavement and told them that someone else was looking out for them. Nobody cared enough when they snuck in the window past 10 enough to yell at them for not coming home when they were supposed to, for scaring them so.

Laying down the law never happened enough, laying of hands too often.

Nobody ever told them they were worth more than bare feet in winter puddles, more than stolen lunches because someone else’s parents loved their child more than yours, more than fights and scraps and suspensions and failed tests from trigonometry to pregnancy. Nobody told them that they were beautiful.

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Features

Those boys akin in every way to her brother, so many young men living to die and dying along the way. No mercy for any mistakes when you’re young and “disadvantaged”.

Mother knows, all he needed was a father figure to lift this curse high from his shoulders, correct his own posture, the true measure of a man.

Remove the demon on his back, misinterpreted as a chip on his broad shoulders. Pull its roots from his prefrontal cortex. Allow him to think for himself, choose for himself what he truly wants.

Let him rub his eyes, see the blind spots from his cornea gone.

He never saw what he could have seen. It’s probably too late now, but he claimed his neighbourhood to the best of his ability.

Above and beyond what his colour called for.

Fists up. Bloody knuckles scrape the cloudy sky rising with the screeching, crying seagulls wheeling above the lawn.

And her, she’ll wish she could escape to be with the birds.These children took the best years of her life.

A burden so hard unrelenting and confusing, so unprepared for, so painfully beautiful that they took her vigour, optimism and opportunity. Added crows feet, laugh lines and a furrowed brow from frowning to an unblemished face that cried far, far more than youthful tear ducts have the capacity to hold. Tears that bewildered her kids, tears that no man was around to dry.

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Those court dates ended with PD, community service, a fine or jail time if the Judge had had enough of dealing with every other young man like him.

If they were really unlucky then life drove too fast.

All we have to remember them by are photos, flowers on a gravestone and people wearing sunglasses to funerals to hide the collective guilt in flinching gazes.

At least they have someone to commiserate with in heaven, Jesus’ father made promises too, but he never stuck around.

But her. She’ll turn to prayer and realise that even if you help yourself, God just doesn’t help some people, not even the beautiful.

Eternal life is no comfort to a woman living the mistakes of a life lived day to day in her youth.

But she’ll give her kids more than she got. Beautiful children, no mistaking their mother’s influence in their faces and steady gazes, or the absence of influence from a father.

She’ll tell them they’re worth more than cliches and broken promises. They can do what she couldn’t: realise their potential.

She’ll tell them they’re beautiful.

Those boys, still boys, besides the justice system, no one really knows what became of them. We never find out, apart from mentions and court dates on Facebook.

If they were truly lucky then somehow an opportunity presented itself. The stars aligned beyond their star sign and somehow they snagged a finger hold, grip stronger than a vice.

Tendons muscles and bones hardened by years of balled fists and broken promises.

We know what becomes of the majority. Victims of circumstances beyond their control or comprehension. editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

Meet the new in vitro Bridget Pyć

Scientists from Maastrict University in the Netherlands have developed a burger patty grown from cells in a petri dish. But before you can be petty about the new patty, let us explain (from a scientific standpoint) why we need to see some changes to the meat industry.

Currently, 70 per cent of farmlands around the world are used for livestock, but with the growing middle class in India, Brazil and China, global meat consumption is expected to more than double by 2050. The numbers don’t look promising.

As well as this, consider that for every 15 grams of meat we eat, the animals need to be fed 100g of vegetable proteins. This means that meat consumption has a bioconversion rate of only 15%. Meat consumption is not only inefficient, it has an expensive toll on the environment as well.

Mark Post and the team from Maastrict www.salient.org.nz

University were able to grow a burger patty from only a small sample of muscle tissue from a cow. The process involved harvesting a sample from the animal and cutting it into tiny pieces such that individual cells could be separated, and placed in a culture. These cells then naturally began to divide and arrange themselves into small fibres, which grew to larger strands, and were then assembled to make the patty.

A study titled “Environmental Impacts of Cultured Meat Production” found that, yes, when conducting a life cycle assessment (LCA) of each practice, cultured meat production required far less energy, land, and water use than livestock farming of beef, sheep and pork. Cultured meat production also had significantly lower greenhouse gas emissions.

But people are grossed out by the practise of growing meat. One restaurant owner notso-articulately expressed “I don’t get it and

it scares the heck out of me”, others have dubbed it “schmeat” and “frankenmeat”. Post and his team are fighting back against these negative connotations, and explain that the meat is 100% natural, with no chemicals added. It’s just grown outside the cow.

Although the monetary cost of lab grown meat is high at the moment, prices are expected to drop drastically in the coming years. Supporters of the project hope to eventually see the costs drop to a level where restaurants could “brew” the meat themselves, in a similar manner to what artisanal beer breweries are doing at the moment.

Now, the project leaves the hands of the scientist. They can develop this ethical and green (but still normal meat-coloured) meat. They can make it cheaper and make it healthier. But will people pick up on it? We dunno. Beefing up cultured meat production is now in the hands of consumers around the world.

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The secret life of my mother Brontë Ammundsen

I’ve renamed the act of opening my fridge door as “pick your poison” time. Strive as I might to adhere to some kind of balanced diet, my genetic mother would undoubtedly be struck with disdain at the immediate insight into my daily consumption by merely gazing upon my plethora of liquids: Peroni beer, a bottle of Oyster Bay Sav, milk, water, and then the dominating feature: an endless source of cans of Coke Zero and Mother energy drink. Much like my chromosomes are rife with shadows of my true mother’s DNA, a thorough health check would likely reveal my veins to be coursing with a bloodMother hybrid, pumped through my body by the rhythmic systolic and diastolic crunching of an aluminium can.

glycogen depletion. Though debated, the glucuronolactone addition is proposed to compensate for this depletion of glycogen in the muscles (to maintain those connective tissue levels). So no, not an energy source, but a harmless attempt to offset damage.

Often found yielding half a litre of canned chemicals, my peers raise eyebrows and greet me daily with the warning that it’s “going to give me cancer or something”. But what is my Mother really doing to me? What secret operations does it perform throughout my body?

How does it give me that “zing” in my step?

Finally, Guarana, extracted from a native South American plant, provides the key component of the alertness, by contributing caffeine to stimulate the central nervous system. According to recent studies, it’s also the only truly functional ingredient in the “energy” feature of energy drinks.

Void of proteins and fat, its nutritional base is a carbonated collaboration of carbohydrates from sugars, caffeine from guarana extract, B vitamins, taurine, glucoronolactone, inositol, preservative 202, and flavors E330 and E331.

The only initially obvious danger appears to be the preservative (202) potassium sorbate, used to prevent mold growth. Used in a wide range of foods, like cheese, wine, and yoghurt (so basically anything you’ll find in my fridge regardless of Mother), a study has indicated that it can cause damage to the DNA of specific human blood cells (peripheral blood lymphocytes).

E330 (aka citric acid), is a natural preservative, gracing my Mother with acidity and sour flavor. While my mind leaps to visions of lemons, this citric acid form is from fermentation of A. Niger mold fed on sucrose. E331 trisodium citrate contributes a further “tart” taste.

The plethora of B vitamins, naturally occurring organic compounds, are widely used energy supplement ingredients. Apparently helping the body convert food into energy, this ingredient is at first glance a contender to explain my Motherly vibrancy. However, the jury is still out, with a loud voice claiming they don’t increase energy levels via supplementation. Once considered a B vitamin before banished from the classification, like Pluto being fired from the planet club, inositol is yet another natural compound. Generally included in energy drinks, it provides carbohydrates by breaking down glucose.

Glucuronolactone, a naturally occurring compound present in connective tissues, is made from the liver breaking down glucose.

Long-term and intensive exercise is known to produce all sort of toxic waste products believed to have detrimental effects, such as

The amino acid Taurine is naturally produced by the body, but manufactured for addition to food sources. A regulator of heartbeat, energy levels, and muscular contractions, it’s actually produced in the body in enough quantity that there’s no need to supplement it.

Regardless, it’s still often-touted due to the unproven proposal that the body doesn’t create enough when under stressful conditions.

With all the obscure ingredients explained, it’s time to conclude with the final ingredient and its vital role in the death-by-energydrink risk. With 33g of sugar, just one can exceeds most (if not all) maximum daily sugar consumption recommendations, and as we’re constantly being reminded, high sugar intake can result in issues including (but not limited to) obesity, diabetes, low serotonin, etc.

So how is my Mother slowly killing me? I can thank high caffeine and sugar intake, along with potential DNA damage, for fooling me with their energy-providing façade. While I’m likely wasting my money on naivety, I’m still willing to suspend belief in what I know and embrace the probably-placebo-effect-induced energy hit.

The science may call my Mother futile for energy and dangerous for the body, but blood is thicker than water (and ignorance is thicker still). Whatever the case, at least when I finally succumb to corroded insides and distorted DNA, I will have lived a life alert and energised (albeit arguably shortened). editor@salient.org.nz

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Ant Timpson | Incredibly Strange 2015 Hamish Popplestone

Film

salient

Ant Timpson isn’t a household name; he should be, but that’s a consequence of working in underground cinema.

Timpson is known in the film industry as Mr Filmhead for his extensive producing, writing, and sometimes directing work in NZ cinema, as well as his efforts to bring underrepresented filmmakers’ art to the people. He started the famous film making festival 48Hours, which now involves 10,000 filmmakers, as well as the Incredibly Strange film festival, which is a major chunk of the NZ International Film Festival. This year, the selection couldn’t be any more diverse; visit the Incredibly Strange section on the film festival’s website and you’re guaranteed to find a film you’ll want to see.

H: Incredibly Strange is 21 now, a similar age to most students. What was the process like, realising that there was an opportunity for a festival like this, and what did you have to do to get the festival off the ground right in the early days?

A: Well thanks, firstly, for making me feel really old—that’s awesome. It does seem crazy that the target audience for the festival is the same age as students. But nothing has really changed since the early days; it was always about getting a group of like-minded people together into a cinema to watch films that were underrepresented in terms of the theatrical experience.

Back in the day, when the festival first launched in 1994, we really didn’t have an eclectic film culture in NZ and there was no travelling circus where people could just jump on board.

We only planned to do it in one city, but it really took off. The first year, it kept expanding from Wellington, to Auckland, to cities all around the place. It eventually went through a few manifestations depending on where my tolerance was for certain films. We started off playing all the big cult titles and then moved into more obscure theatre that I’m not even sure the most die-hard film buffs would know about. But we just keep up to date with what is happening on the world scene and we have a focus on the contemporary.

H: Where do you want to take the festival? Are you looking always to push boundaries?

A: Not really. It’s really easy to provoke and shock people these days, so it’s not really a driving force. That kind of person is who I left 30 years ago as a kid, when I used to sneak into theatres to watch Faces of Death, or whatever. And now, with people watching ISIS beheading videos on their Facebook news feeds, I wouldn’t want anything that is just shamelessly provocative for the sake of it. I’ve always been a populist at heart, and have always wanted to show something supremely entertaining so people feel like they’ve spent their money well and have had a great time. There will always be flashpoint films that are causing waves around the circuit, but it’s the jobs of sales agents and distributors to highlight these—there’s always a film at Cannes that gets everyone shocked; it happens every year. But a good film is going to go a lot further than a mediocre one with a shocking scene in it.

H: I’d say the festival is an absolute success story, but you’ve talked before about the struggle to get NZers to go see homegrown horror flicks. Your film, Housebound, had great

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reviews and was covered widely by media, yet only a small fraction of the NZ public was aware of the film. Why do you think audiences are so small?

A: Audiences are really conditioned into event films—you can’t blame them. You can’t say the average movie-goer is a complete moron and that’s why they didn’t see our complete masterpiece.

People will always want to go see movies with their favourite stars or directors. It’s not that shocking that great little films slip through the gaps sometimes, given how tight the market is at the moment. It’s just a shame we don’t have a platform as strong as America does, which is video on demand.

We’re in a really weird transition phase, where physical media is dying, but we haven’t filled the gap with a really strong video on demand service, so it’s a really tough place for directors to reach audiences here. But the good news is that our films are reaching audiences internationally. That kind of sweetens the deal, and it will always be great to play films at home, but if you’re getting millions viewers overseas, it’s okay, because the ultimate goal is more people watching what you have made.

H: For those unadjusted to cult films, but wouldn’t mind stepping toes outside of the mainstream, where should they start? What are some good foundational films to ignite a fetish for the incredibly strange?

A: It’s a tough question to answer, because, originally, the festival was about Russ Meyer, John Waters and Ed Wood, which make the pantheon of strong, foundation-building cult films.

Examples being Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, Pink Flamingos, Plan 9 from Outer Space. If you’ve seen 2001: Space Odyssey then you should see these films as well because they are part of the lexicon of cinema language. What we do now in the Incredibly Strange festival is looking for the best in the genre circuit. We’re always trying to find great new voices, and sometimes it’s first-time filmmakers, or filmmakers we have been following. Students are more sophisticated than they used to be, because they are hyper-aware of the content out there. It’s not friends around the campfire asking if you’ve seen this and that, it’s now more like going online and talking to guys in New York, or London. These days, you can go on YouTube or illegally download something.

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A: Both films overlap, but, in terms of how I got involved, they’re very different scenarios. For one, it was the people involved and, for the other one, I didn’t really know the director at all, but it was part of a local competition we ran called “Make My Horror Movie” and it came out of that as a winner. It was a really unusual process. Both of them came out of competitions actually, so it wasn’t the traditional flow development phase in which most films come to life. So the end result is that they both worked out.

In terms of the actual content, anyone who goes and sees Turbo Kid will probably love Deathgasm as well. You don’t have to be a post-apocalyptic fan to enjoy Turbo Kid, and you don’t need to be a metalhead to love Deathgasm. They both have this goofy sweet innocence that will appeal to people who love the John Hughes “coming of age” films just as much as the crazy splatter films of Peter Jackson or whoever. When you say “horror movies”, sometimes people just switch and think “mean-spirited horror”, but these are more joyous celebrations of young life.

H: You’re a Tommy Wiseau fan and you helped distribute The Room in our part of the globe, so I guess you could say you have business ties. If he were willing to remake any film of your choosing, what film would you assign him, and why?

A: You’d have to go with Citizen Kane, wouldn’t you? The canvas and scope of that film and the breadth of Tommy’s acting ability; I think it would be a perfect harmony. Yeah, I’d love to see Tommy Wiseau’s Citizen Kane—I’d sign up for that. The problem with Tommy, though, is that he’s so self-aware now, which is the biggest issue. Nothing like The Room will ever exist again, because everything he has been involved with post-The Room is absolutely terrifying, plus he has been in on the joke which is not why The Room is so spectacular in all its train wreck glory. I truly feel it will be the last pure cult film that is not being manufactured. Cult films always grew through fan appreciation that developed over time by repeat watching from loyal fans, and The Room is pretty much the last one of those, and the midnight circuit has really died in terms of exhibitions.

H: Something students specialise in…

A: Yeah, I fight with it. One part of me hates the access and how easy it is, because I’m a bit of an elitist-populist, if that makes any sense at all? The other part of thinks that, as much as it’s awesome to be in a position to virtually find anything you want and create your own ultimate playlist of films, it’s a struggle for me. Students and people of your age, I just don’t think you know how good you’ve got it at the moment. You didn’t go through the Dark Ages.

H: You co-produced two of the eight titles in the section, Deathgasm and Turbo Kid, and while they’re both strange and have an influx of gore, they appear as a very different spectacle.

How do you decide what films you want to be a part of? What does it take to get you on board?

editor@salient.org.nz

Books

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The elusive Elena Ferrante Philip McSweeney “Books, once they are written, have no need of their authors.”

So wrote Elena Ferrante in a correspondence with The New Yorker’s James Wood. This lovely quip is intended as justification of Ferrante’s preference for anonymity (probably pseudonymity); why she insists on being reclusive, out-hermitting even Pynchon. We know that she’s a she because she identifies as a mother and that, as Dayna Tortorici sallied, “no man would write so well and not take credit for it”.

But Ferrante’s penchant for hermitude also serves another function; once the work is done, it’s done, and the text becomes irrevocably dis-entwined from the author— they become a reader, or an interpreter, of their own creation. So, no, Dumbledore is not gay just because J.K. Rowling says so.

If there is nothing in the text proper that affirms a reading, that reading cannot be said to have meaning. So, ironically, we glean something else from Ferrante. Her prose is obviously judiciously styled. These are works that have been laboured over.

Finally, the quote reveals the inner workings of the publishing industry—review copies get sent out, reviews get sent in, sales begin,

reports are generated. Either it all goes well, middlingly, or not. Authors are literally powerless in the face of reviews.

The reviews themselves are worthy of a quick tangent: there are two types of review. One is as simple as ascertaining whether a book is good, worth reading and why. The other, more interesting, fruitful and discursive type, puts the book under rigid (sometimes psycho-) analysis, deconstructs themes and language and bugaboos and constructions, and what makes something flawed beyond the boring “good and bad” dichotomy.

Ordinarily I would opt for the latter, but in this rare instance I’ll do the former, after some patter about the author.

Ferrante has been around forever but has achieved prominence in the anglosphere only this decade. Her Neapolitan novels, a fourpart series that has been compared to Proust (of course), Marias, and Knausgaard in its ambition, scope, and minutiae, have been heralded as the most important contributions to literature in the century thus far.

While that claim might be a tad hyperbolic (Sergia de la Pava’s A Naked Singularity and McBride’s A Girl is a Half-Formed Thing take that particular trophy in my estimation), it is by no means unfounded.

The Neapolitan novels, starting with My Brilliant Friend, arch the parabolic and algorithmic curves of a relationship between two women: the camaraderie, the competitiveness, the bifurcating life choices and, shiningly, the love and warmth of genuine human connection.

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even Fellini went to such lengths to disabuse people of the whole “Mediterranean as cultured opulent paradise” thing. Parts are staggeringly bleak, rendered more so by the nonchalant voice in which they are imparted; the visceral depiction of lowersocioeconomic areas, the “sewers”, rings true with savage authenticity and offer a glimpse into an Italy rarely broached.

This lack of exotification is refreshing, but it does not impede the sheer readability of the works. These are words and worlds and people you’ll want to get lost in, and real life might pale a little in comparison afterwards.

Which is to say: as well as a literarymasterwork, Ferrante has contrived herself a good ol’-fashioned page-turner saga. Do not take these books into the bathroom unless you want haemorrhoids (although I speak from experience when I say: totally worth it).

So basically: The Neapolitan series is superb.

You should buy it, read it, read it ten times more, lend your copy out, buy another one, rinse, repeat. Y’know how Mitchell, Knausgaard, Lee, James, Child, maybe Philip Roth and maybe Ali Smith all have novels coming out this year? If I had to choose, I would happily defer the release date of all of those titles indefinitely if it meant I could get my grubby mitts on the fourth and final instalment, due to be published September of this year. That is how good it is; it’s the kind of book so good that it renders lesser efforts not just minor but pointless and extraneous—at least, when there are books like these to be read.

There’s anger here too, and candour; not

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issue 18

Games

Rocket League Developer: Psyonix Platforms: PS4, PC Cameron Gray As someone who thinks deeply about these kinds of things, I often have to sit back and ponder on the state of the games industry when one of the most popular games of the year comes around with absolutely no expectation that it would ever amount to anything.

Rocket League, a physics-based vehicular soccer game from indie developers Psyonix, has blasted off from out of the blue and has, as of writing, been downloaded over 5 million times over both PS4 (boosted by it being free for PS+ members) and PC (where I had to fork out $24 for it, because #pcmasterrace). This is the true definition of a sleeper hit, and the only way that games become one is by being a big load of fun.

Football with cars is not exactly a new idea; I can recall the Top Gear lads doing at least one segment based on it and even doing something similar at their live shows. The idea is so not unique that Rocket League is, in fact, a sequel. Psyonix had released the original version of the game back in 2008, titled Supersonic Acrobatic RocketPowered Battle-Cars, to a pretty much unanimous cry of “meh”. Shitty title aside, the fact that they can work on the concept and come back seven years later to have it be such a massive success is quite astonishing, producing a game that, much like other indie games of its ilk, attempts to carve its own niche.

What makes Rocket League such a great game is that it ties together and exaggerates the best elements of sports games in a unique package, yet remain appealing to those who totally loathe sports games. So many of my mates love EA FIFA games to death because of the camaraderie that comes with playing against or with each

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other (in spite of them being the same every bloody year), something which Rocket League tries to capture. Everyone has a story to tell of an epic last-minute goal, a desperate rush to defend their end, a well-timed tackle; in Rocket League, it’s go big or go home, with epic moments in almost every match. Fast cars and explosions go hand-in-hand, and they’ve never been more at home than in Rocket League; your reward for scoring is a huge explosion that blasts your car back across the field.

The true test of any sports game, however, is simplicity—is it enjoyable for a wide audience; can you just pick it up and play?

Rocket League’s controls are simple enough for pretty much anyone to figure out, but there is enough depth to the mechanics to make a number of playstyles possible. The total freedom of movement that the game gives to you means the best players must essentially play “total football”, being able to adapt to any situation. It is just as much fun, however, to just chase after the ball and give it all you’ve got with the power of your rocket booster behind you. Being in an enclosed arena with slightly unrealistic physics, you can even drive up the walls to try and gain an advantage—try doing that at Wednesday indoor football.

The in-game progression system allows you to monitor your progress as you play more matches and acquire cool little trinkets and skins for your car, but this is largely cosmetic—nothing much really changes other than your increased personal skill, which cannot be easily measured in what is essentially a chaotic environment during matches. The cars are essentially all the same, and while this does make the playing field in multiplayer relatively level, it would be nice to see some variations in performance between different car types to make it more reflective of the different skills needed to succeed in actual football. That, though, is a minor bugbear in what is otherwise a well-balanced game.

Rocket League is a simple idea executed strongly enough to warrant the massive attention it has been getting, and is almost guaranteed to be an addictive experience that will make you hungry for more.

“One more match” is never going to be enough, and the banter will be off the charts. Or not, because banter is fucking silly.

editor@salient.org.nz

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Music

Currents Tame Impala

Josh Ellery It would be easy for Tame Impala to become pigeonholed to one particular sound. The project’s two previous albums—Innerspeaker and Lonerism—have both featured heavy use of guitars and fuzz with Kevin Parker’s Lennonesque voice seeping into the mix, establishing Tame Impala to be the psychedelic group of the moment. I mean, “Elephant” paid for half of Kevin Parker’s house (supposedly). However, Parker is not one to rest on his laurels. Currents is a different and transitional album for Tame Impala, in that it is unabashedly a pop album.

Perhaps it’s Parker’s involvement with Mark Ronson’s latest album, Uptown Special, but in any event, Parker has learned to write hooks and pop songs. An obvious example is “The Less I Know The Better”. This track, like many others on Currents, is virtually devoid of the fuzzy guitars that previously became staples of the Tame Impala sound, and replaces them with massive synths, creating a sort of new-school disco vibe. Moreover, “The Less I Know…” is an out and out pop track, featuring some of Parker’s dorkiest lyrics yet, as we hear a tale of emotional vacancy and unrequited love, based around “Heather” and “Trevor”.

Parker exudes a goofy charm, and is certainly breaking new ground for Tame Impala. A lot of the tracks on Currents— “The Moment” and “Eventually” in particular—are in a

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similar vein, featuring huge synths and basslines, coupled with simple but effective lyrics and catchy melodies. In addition to this, Currents does feature what is—arguably— Tame Impala’s most adventurous track yet, in the form of the seven and a half minute opener, “Let It Happen”. This track has everything Tame Impala is renowned for: driving drums, Parker’s soothing falsetto, and great riffs—whether that’s on a synth and/or a guitar.

Parker is certainly brave, not only for starting one of the more heavily-anticipated albums of the year with a seven and a half minute song, but for making a psych-pop album that stands as a new and unique statement amidst what is so far an impeccable discography. Currents is certainly one of my favourite albums of the year thus far, and it bodes well for the progression of Tame Impala going forward.

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issue 18

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Music

Another One Mac DeMarco

Mitchell Siermans The much loved vocalist from Vancouver, Mac DeMarco, announced earlier this year that he would be releasing a short album entitled Another One, and true to his word, he hasn’t disappointed.

Following on from his 2014 album Salad Days, DeMarco has returned triumphantly with a similar sounding album, focusing heavily on lo-fi love ballads that ooze with the chill feels and undulating melodies that the Canuck is so well-known for.

The album contains two standout tracks. “The Way You’d Love Her” opens the album with a groovy guitar piece and is backed by a simple drum line and soothing lyrics, warmly introducing the loved-up vibe of the album. “A Heart Like Hers” continues this theme, sounding like a distorted homage to DeMarco’s Barry Manilow B-side.

One not-so-cool observation would be that DeMarco’s sound doesn’t seem to have matured or progressed all that much since Salad Days. Many of the riffs, including but not limited to “No Other Heart”, “I’ve Been Waiting For Her” and “Just To Put Me Down”, have the same poppy reverb with which Salad Days was riddled and sound like they could have come straight off of that album. These similarities continue with the instrumental outro “My

House By The Water”, a track that imitates in a more lo-fi fashion “Jonny’s Odyssey”, finishing with another send off message from Mac himself at the end of the album.

That being said, the send off message has created some excellent stories since it first surfaced on the Internet a few weeks ago. Get this—DeMarco gives out his REAL LIFE HOME ADDRESS! 6802 Bayfield Ave, Arverne, New York. He even encourages people to “stop on by” for a cup of coffee. Think he’s bullshitting? Check the Reddit AMA created by the man himself a few weeks ago and get ready to jump onto the next flight over. A number of people (or “superfans”, as DeMarco has dubbed them) have even come forward to thank him for the “cup of coffee” and being a generally great human who stays true to his word. Just another reason to love the quirky, cheery, mad-talented Canadian.

Despite the lack of variation between this album and his last, Mac DeMarco has brought his fans exactly what they wanted out of Another One—a creamy, loved-up, easy listening record, with plenty of soul and plenty of groovy vibes. Another One will be officially released 7 August.

editor@salient.org.nz

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Visual Arts

How to Improve Wellington’s Art Scene in 45 Simple Steps Sharon Lam 01. Write about art for your university magazine.

02. Struggle to find anything to write about.

03. Binge on canned peaches and stare into the void you have created through many years of poor sleep habits and a complete lack of time management.

04. Go for a walk, be bored to tears.

05. Also cry at the exclusivity of galleries and their wanky sounding exhibit names.

06. Go to every wanky sounding exhibit there is and fart loudly.

07. Go to every wanky sounding exhibit and scream loudly.

08. Steps six and seven at the same time.

09. Go to the opening of a wanky sounding exhibit and tell the artist they’re being too literal.

10. Go to the opening of a wanky sounding exhibit and try to financially cripple “the man” by abusing the free booze. You’re a lightweight and already drunk from two glasses of wine; your attempt at “sticking it to the man” is less effective than you thought.

11. Go to the opening of a wanky sounding exhibit and fight the artist.

12. Open your own gallery only displaying your own artwork.

13. Validate the artwork in your gallery by saying it was the last piece painted by the artist before they passed away in a tragic but strange incident involving a hairbrush.

14. Validate the artwork in your gallery by saying a child

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painted it.

15. Validate the artwork in your gallery by saying a disabled elephant painted it.

16. Validate the artwork in your gallery by saying it was part of the set of the 1997 film Flubber.

17. Sink into a deep depression because the one person who won’t believe the false validation is yourself.

18. Reopen the gallery under your own name.

19. Artbros don’t come because there’s no wanky sounding name.

20. Old rich white people don’t come because there’s no wanky sounding name.

21. No one comes at all because the artist is still alive, it wasn’t painted by a child or a disabled animal nor was it part of the set of the 1997 movie Flubber.

22. Convince yourself that all the greatest minds were never understood in their time; your art will be worth millions in 2420.

23. Close your gallery and become a vigilante.

24. Remove all the art out of other galleries and put them in public toilets.

25. Remove all the art out of other galleries and put them on your mother’s coffee table.

26. Remove all the art out of other galleries and put them in the path of oncoming traffic.

27. Convert the now empty galleries to 24hr cinemas streaming Gilmore Girls.

28. Make lifelong friendships with everyone else watching Gilmore Girls with you in defunct art spaces.

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29. Watch Gilmore Girls for 48 hours nonstop.

30. Forget to sleep and forget to drink water during this time, hallucinate from malnutrition.

31. Draw a self-portrait while you hallucinate and paste it on the notice board at New World.

32. Scream at the New World manager when they tell you to take it down.

33. Refuse to leave the supermarket and set a new standard for performance art.

34. Bathe and brush your teeth with the mussels.

35. Wash your clothes using bottles of water and dry them with warm rotisserie chickens.

36. Become known as the Crazed But Polite Hermit of New World.

37. Find a protege purchasing shaved ham. They will be your only point of contact to the outside world.

38. Tell your protege to bring you several live tortoises.

39. Put the tortoises in the pick n mix.

40. Watch as grocery shoppers confuse gummy bears with tortoises.

41. Record the entire thing on 8mm film and use intelligent dance music for the soundtrack.

42. Enter your short film into Cannes.

43. Win the Palme d’Or. 44. Watch tourists flock to Wellington and New World, the place where The Tortoise and the Bear was filmed.

45. Have a tourist ask you for the time. They have no idea who you are yet they flew all this way for your creation. The student has become the master and then reverted back to student.

Life becomes art. Art becomes life. You cry. You have evoked emotion. Albeit in yourself, but emotion nonetheless. It’s the first profound experience of art anyone in this city has ever had.

Congratulations, you have just improved Wellington’s art scene.

Fashion

What to do when your boy toy dresses like shit Jess Scott Ancient proverb: Straight* boys dress like randomised Sims.

I am currently (as of a week before time of print) seeing a guy who dresses uncannily like a suburban dad, but not in the ironic, “bespectacled and bearded with appreciation of craft beer” sense; more in the “closer to 30 than 20 and dressing age appropriate” sense. My flatmate’s boyfriend is into “loud cardigans”, not to mention loud ties, loud shirts, and the occasional deafening (more accurately “blinding”) combination of a number of these.

Look around yourself, observe the wildlife—soak in the bucket hats, Nike slides and weird clashing prints that lead you to wonder if the individual in question dressed themselves in the dark. In what realm do any of these ever rationally seem like a good idea?

How to prevent this: Option #1: Exclusively date Option #3/4: architecture/design students. EITHER: (This worked for me for the Subtly suggest that perhaps entire first half of my degree.) instead of wearing [insert Option #2: Prepare for the offensive item of clothing] they marital ritual of throwing replace it with [insert inoffensive your husband’s clothes off the item of clothing that won’t scare balcony—fling every single them but will significantly item of your male counterpart’s improve their aesthetic]. Repeat clothing you deem unacceptable until you’ve weeded out the to be worn in public out of worst of it. a nearby window. (This has actually been a successful OR: venture in 1/1 road tests.)

If the pragmatic method is unsuccessful, nail a bottle of Option #5: Accept the fact wine each and convince them that boys are gross, suck it to spend the remainder of up and deal. Or “stop being their course-related costs on horrible, he is an adult and the Stolen Girlfriends Club/ has the human right to Zambesi A/W men’s sale choose his own clothing”, as sections (the sale aspect is aforementioned flatmate so vital as these items are noneloquently put it (she is wrong, refundable, so they can’t soberly nobody who is not a member return them). of Fall Out Boy is allowed to wear white jeans, okay). *Disclaimer: This is in no way intended as heteronormative and this advice can be applied to any significant other and/or general dating human whom you feel dresses in a manner which cramps your vibe.

Further disclaimer: No fragile male egos were harmed in the process of writing this column.

P.S. After having read this, said offending white jeans have been retired—there is hope for even the most dire stylistic mishaps.

(Possible blow to fragile male ego may, however, have been sustained in the progress.)

2 for 1 Margherita

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The Hunter Lounge

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If you’d like to write something for after the mid-trimester break— write up a quick overview and email it to editor@ salient.org.nz. The final piece should be around 500-800 words.

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Sign on to support the Living Wage

Lyndy McIntyre This page is for your submissions!

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Opinion

Early this year, Oxford joined the growing list of UK Living Wage universities. If local campaigners have their way, Victoria will be New Zealand’s first.

At Oxford, students led the Living Wage campaign. At Vic, students have joined current and retired academics, general staff, cleaners, alumni, TEU, the Service and Food Workers Union, and others under the Living Wage for Vic banner.

Becoming a Living Wage university means paying the official New Zealand Living Wage rate, currently $19.25 an hour, to all the University workforce. A relatively small number of directly-employed staff at Victoria are paid less than the Living Wage. But some, including library workers and tutors, are on the minimum wage of $14.25. Workers employed via contractors, like cleaners, work through the night for poverty wages.

The number of UK Living Wage universities is growing because staff, students, and communities back this vision. People want to work and study at Living Wage universities.

Research shows paying the Living Wage improves morale and productivity, and it’s simply the right thing to do.

Wellington City Council was the first NZ council to vote to become a Living Wage council. Hundreds of council workers have had their wages lifted in a staged implementation of the Living Wage. There’s a long way to go, but the Coolest Little Capital is on the way to becoming the Fairest Little Capital. It makes sense for Vic to follow this example for the thousands of businesses on whom students depend for their income.

And the Living wage is a neat fit with the University’s strategy. “Victoria recently made a commitment to ‘inclusivity, equity and diversity’ in our strategic plan,” says TEU member and English lecturer, Dr Dougal McNeill. “It can’t escape anyone’s notice that there are more Māori and Pasifika staff members in our very lowest paid jobs than in our highest paid positions. Committing to a Living Wage is one way of making real our commitment to civic engagement and equity.

It’s also a way of opening the University to a future generation of students: homes where parents earn a Living Wage will have more time and resources to foster learning.”

The student: Madeleine Ashton-Martyn Our students value the hard work of our cleaners, campus care, tutors and library staff. I have confidence they will stand with us every step of the way until Victoria becomes New Zealand’s first Living Wage

university. The vast majority of students work to make ends meet, largely on low wages. We regularly have hardship cases from students forced to drop papers because they can’t scrape through working endless hours. There are so many barriers to tertiary education, and shifting people off poverty wages is one way of tearing those down.

The library worker: Phoebe Smith Library staff are amongst those who don’t receive the Living Wage. The support we provide for staff and students is vital to their research and academic achievement.

We value helping students and staff, but it’s hard providing excellent service when we feel undervalued. For library staff members with children, tough decisions have to be made— can we budget for a winter jacket, or shoes?

Decisions like this shouldn’t have to be made by parents working full-time.

The cleaner: Efrem Andom I came from Ethiopia as a refugee. Now I clean the Te Aro campus. This place is dirty and dusty and the cleaning job is very important. Without this place being cleaned, no one can work here. We need decent pay for a very important job. I know students and staff already showed support for the Living Wage and we thank you for that. I’m looking forward to the day this university becomes a Living Wage employer and pays cleaners and other low-paid workers the pay they deserve.

The lecturer: Cybele Locke It takes many people’s labour to teach university students—lecturers, library staff, technology support staff, tutors, cleaners, food workers, security staff and administrative staff. All these workers help me teach students, and yet a good number of them are not paid the Living Wage they deserve. Just as we work together to support students in their academic endeavours, we must work together to ensure our whole community is paid a Living Wage.

How you can back the Living Wage for Vic campaign •

• • •

Sign a postcard—available from the VUWSA offices, or the Hub from 11.15–2.15 Tuesday, and place it in boxes in the Hub or VUWSA. Sign an online postcard here: http:// teu.ac.nz/issues/the-living-wage/vuwliving-wage/ Tick the box to get active in the campaign.

Like the Living Wage for Vic Facebook page and look out for events.

issue 18

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Puzzles

Target goals: Pretty good—18, Solid—24, Great - 31 Last weeks solutions: Hard Workspace

‘Dash It All!’

Because Puck forgot to write a clue for one of the crossword entries last week, he’s making a dash for it.

Each word on the word list contains the letters DASH, which are replaced by a dash (-) in the grid.

AS MAD AS HELL BALDERDASH DASHBOARD DASHED HOPES DASHIELL HAMMETT DASHIKI DINE AND DASH ELINOR DASHWOOD HABERDASHERY HAD A SHOWER HELD A SHAPE JUDAS HATCH JULIAN DASHPER KIM KARDASHIAN RAINBOW DASH RAPIDASH ROWED ASHORE SLAPDASH ‘SLASH DOT DASH’ SODA SHOPPE ‘THE AMANDA SHOW’ VONDA SHEPARD WOOD ASH editor@salient.org.nz

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