Issue 24 - Finalient

OCTOBER 15 TH 2012

ISSUE 24

THE TEAM Editors: Asher Emanuel & Ollie Neas editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Racheal Reeves designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Hugo McKinnon news@salient.org.nz Arts Editor: Adam Goodall arts@salient.org.nz Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Kurt Barber Visual Arts Editor: Rob Kelly Theatre Editor: Jonothan Price Music Editor: Philip McSweeny Feature Writers: Fairooz Samy Chris McIntyre News Interns: Grace Tong Shilpa Bhim, Phillipa Webb Chief Sub-Editor: Carlo Salizzo Distriubution Specialist: Michael Graham CONTRIBUTORS Hayley Adams, Todd Atticus, Hilary Beattie, Rose Burrowes, Choaty, Paulsforth Cox, Richard D’Ath, Uther Dean, Martin Doyle, Harriet Farquar, Joe Gallagher, Stephen Gillam, Ryan Hammond, Aaron Harland, Roxy Heart, Christian Hermansen, Bridie Hood, Joanna Judge, Russ Kale, Michael Kumove, Sharon Lam, Prudence Lovelock, Molly McCarthy, Hamish McConnochie, Tom McDaiarmid, Duncan McLachlan, Emma Maddox, Chandra Miller, Joanna Morgan, Phoebe Morris, Udayan Mukherjee, Henry Neas, Keith Ng, Livvy Nonoa, Sam Northcott, Sam Phillips, Racheal Reeves, Will Robertson, Bas Suckling, Chelsea Torrence, Wilbur Townsend, Rosie Wall, Michael Warren, Emily Watson, Erika Webb, Matt White, Isabella Whitfield, Jackson Wood, the VBC 88.3FM. Contributor of the Week: Carlo ‘Carlo’ Salizzo, Chris ‘Chris’ McIntyre, Molly ‘Molly’ McCarthy CONTACT Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz ADVERTISING Contact: Mark Maguire Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz ABOUT US Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA).

Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria University of Wellington students, through the student services levy. It is printed

by Printcorp of Tauranga. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of those of ASPA, VUWSA, Printcorp, Sylvia Plath, Dinocop, Billie Piper, silver-medalists, James Deen, Thomas Hobbes, Joe Stockman, or the people of Planet Earth, but we at Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.

OTHER Subscriptions: Too lazy to walk to uni to pick up a copy of your favourite mag? We can post them out to you for a nominal fee. $40 for Vic student, $55 for everyone else. Please send an email containing your contact details with ‘subscription’ in the subject line to editor@salient.org.nz

´ This issue is dedicated to

YOU. SHUCKS

editorial ASHER & OLLIE

“Send out, Salient, the swift satiric point, To smart the sluggard mind awake, While Freedom anywhere in bonds is pent No compromise with falseness make.

Those freed today tomorrow forth must leap Some further outpost there to take and keep.”

Big words, mate. Big words. But it was on those big words that Salient was founded in 1938. 76 years of writers, designers, delinquents and editors later, here we are, but the latest fools to think it possible.

Eight months ago, we set out to make a magazine which reflected and challenged student opinion in all its diverse forms. We wanted the slogan “the organ of student opinion” to remain accurate. We wanted to make a magazine which was exciting, provocative and full of the LOLs. 25 issues on we can say with certainty that many of these things we didn’t accomplish.

There weren’t nearly enough kittens, we know. And we weren’t sued in defamation.

(Though, it is worth disclosing that Prime Minister John Key did in fact steal a duck once, and was a member of the National Front from 1987-1994.) But that’s the lesson. You set the bar high in the hope of jumping half as high. And that’s okay.

But enough of this characteristic lofty wank-fest, what matters is whether or not

you enjoyed this rag. You’re the reason Salient exists. It’s as simple as that. So we hope you found something of interest within these fragrant pages—even if only once.

There are around 40 contributors to the average issue of Salient. Eight of these are paid staff. The rest do it all for the love.

It goes without saying that this magazine couldn’t be made without them—they are Failient. There’s not room enough to name you all here—we’ll cover you with thanks, tears and smudged mascara in the coming days.

One among you, though, must be named and shamed. To Racheal, our designer: you’ve been a fabulous triangle, all the better to balance out our sqaure-ness.

Your work has been the life-blood and character of the magazine, and your friendship one of the few things that helped us stay head-above-water. Thank you.

But those deserving of thanks are not just those whose work is in the pages. Without the flatemates, friends and Others who made room for our persistent dickishness, perpetual fatigue and sporadic fury, we would probably be dead right now. And that’s only mostly hyperbole.

And without doubt, last year’s unwashed, exhausted editors, Elle and Uther. You’ve

been there for us from afar—Uther by way of the columns that gave us levity and pause in equal measure each Thursday evening, and Elle as the omnipresent, undying gChat demon. You were a fucking tough act to follow—thanks for both inspiring and keeping us in check.

By the time this issue comes out the new editors for 2013 may well have been selected. To you, person(s) of mystery: start banking sleep this summer and always wash your hands. And don’t fuck up the crossword.

We’re moving on, and so are some of you.

For many this is your last week of uni.

Ever. From this week you will be moving onto bigger, and for now let’s just say better, things. Though there’s a fair chance it’ll be fucking freaky. But enough of that.

Don’t listen to us. We have absolutely no idea what we’re talking about. But I’m sure you’ve realised that by now.

For the rest of you, there is still much to come.

But now it’s the end. Yes, you saw it coming. So farewell faithful friends. Ride forth. It’s been fun. Time to say good bye.

We’ll see you someplace else.

Repeat after us, “Salient is fucking shit!”

Love always, A&O

FINALIENT 20. Dinocop

THE NEWS

THE COLUMNS

5. News

13.

Partisan Hacks

60.

Presidential Address

9. LOL

14.

Political Porn With Hamish

61.

vuwsa vp Welfare

15.

Mulled Whine With H.G. Beattie

61.

Ngai Taiura

24.

Long Road to Ruin

26.

Hello Salient, I come in Peace

10.

World Watch

27.

Living in a Hipster's Paradise

11.

The Week That Wasn’t

28.

Hey Baby Le Me At 'Dat Pussy

11.

Overheard At Vic

12.

The Year In News

30. Poetry 31.

I Am Such A Fuck

34.

End of the Line

36.

Mid-summer Marauder's Map

38.

Through the Looking Glass

IN REVIEW

39. Breathing 40.

The Running of the Bulls

42.

All My Boyfriends are Gay

44.

Mohammed and Mecca, Hijabs and Halal

46.

A Private Protest

47. Fragmentary

VUWSA & FRIENDS

16. C.R.E.A.M 16.

Science: What's It Up To?

19.

Salient Probes The Punters

56.

Eat Your Fucking Greens

56.

Things I Already Know But Just Need To Be Told

57.

Prudence Lovelock

SALIENT ♥ YOU

48. Music

58. Philosoraptor

66. Letters

50. Film

58.

On Campus

68. Puzzles

52. Books

59.

Faces To Deface

70. Notices

53. Theatre

62.

Nothin' But Net

71.

54.

63.

Lovin' From The Oven

63.

Of The Week

Visual Arts

Radio & Gig Guide

“Baby, baby, is that a dog whistle in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?” pg 16

www.Salient.org.nz

Facebook.com/SalientMagazine

@SalientMagazine

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Youtube.com/SalientTv

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TOP

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CARLO SALIZZO

TOP

10

10

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things i have

inside jokes

crystal

wanted to do

of

meth

SALIENT

BRANDS

THIS YEAR TEN

TEN

TEN

Earn the respect of my readers

“Comfy Pants Time”

White Christmas

NINE

NINE

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Refer to various organisations as cults

VUWSA

Plain Packaging

EIGHT

EIGHT

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Condemn those who call it ‘The Salient’

Our ‘Make-Out’ Room

Two Sugars

SEVEN

SEVEN

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Express my respect for Uther Dean

Triangles

Tommy Thousands

SIX

SIX

SIX

Shoutout to my friends (Chris Swney!)

Everyone is a hipster but me

Sudoku Fuel

FIVE

FIVE

FIVE

Get nude for the lads

We’re all still dudebros

The Hoof

FOUR

FOUR

FOUR

Make a difference in the life of one child

Asher’s hair

Pam’s

THREE

THREE

THREE

Designer Racheal types like a monkey

Fuzzy Wuzzy

Promote my twitter handle (@louderthoughts!)

TWO

TWO

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Typos in the Top Ten

YOLO Fever

Reveal HG Beattie’s identity

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Crystal meth

Salient

Crystal meth

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NEWS@SALIENT.ORG.NZ ╳ Salient never sleeps. ╳ 

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NEWS

UNfit for print 

ELECTION CARNAGE

Rory McCourt.

Vice President (Welfare)-elect Simon Tapp (left) arrested as Presidential candidate Jackson Freeman looks on.

First blood.

BLOOD IS SPILT AS VUWSA-ELECT IS ARRESTED IN BIG K KERFUFFLE G R AC E TO N G

Celebrations took a turn towards the confrontational after newly elected VicePresident (Welfare) Simon Tapp was arrested for “breaching the peace” at the Big Kumara late Friday evening, after VUWSA election results were announced at the Hunter Lounge.

He tweeted “Your VPW cares. Your VPW is boozed. These are compatible” early in the evening before being involved in a police raid of the Big K that resulted in what Tapp described as “a ridiculous unwarranted arrest”.

Former Presidential hopeful, Jackson Freeman, and others associated with VUWSA were reportedly escorted outside by police for “standard questioning”. Queer Officer Genevieve Fowler asserted that one became “very aggressive” towards her, and Tapp began “getting in the face of the Police,” said Big K Bouncer and PostGraduate Student, Joshua Giddy.

Police conduct regular conduct raids on bars

in Wellington “to make sure everybody is following the rules, ” said Giddy.

Despite the bar staff’s attempts to calm him down, Tapp was arrested after he threatened the police. “[I] didn’t even step foot in a cell,” he said.

Instead, Tapp claimed to have “found a power-tripping officer with terrible judgement” and intends to lay a complaint with the Independent Police Complaints Authority.

Election carnage began when a window was broken in Hunter Lounge by a Freeman supporter attempting to open an unopenable window. The breaker was adamant it was unintentional, although it is rumoured he had funnelled a bottle of wine or two before the event.

On Saturday he received surgery for his hand, presumably injured in the break.

Three thousand votes were cast during

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the election, with a turnout of 22 per cent; relatively high in comparison to previous years.

“It has to be one of the highest turnouts ever in VUWSA elections and also one of the highest SA election turnouts nationally,” said incumbent President Bridie Hood.

She attributed this to the referendum and the public and competitive Presidential race.

“Hopefully with the new Engagement Vice President, we can work to ensure that 20 per cent-plus voter turnouts are not just one-offoccurrences,” she said.

Rory McCourt was elected President by a margin of about three hundred votes. The referendum “Should VUWSA support the Marriage Equality Bill currently before Parliament?” passed with 84 per cent in favour.

The rest of the election results can be found at www.vuwsa.org.nz/news/vuwsa-2012-general-electionresults/

NEW S

STUDENT FORUM IMPOTENT? YES. HUGO MCKINNON

The future of the Student Forum was the focus of its last meeting for the year, on Tuesday.

It was established that any changes the forum wished to make to its own structure needed to be approved by the University Council, a point most members agreed was unacceptable.

“What would happen if we passed a motion that said 'we are now autonomous'?” wondered Deputy Chair Julia Whaipooti.

Chair and VUWSA President Bridie Hood said that while it was important to make their objection clear, they needed to follow process.

“So we should follow the process we don't think should exist?” asked President-elect Rory McCourt.

The forum initially discussed what their 'core principles' should be; McCourt suggested democracy and transparency and the others spent some time questioning what those principles even meant.

Another member suggested that the forum be a “unified framework”, so then they argued whether or not they really should be unified.

The forum decided they were going to be “a framework”.

“Lets come back to this one,” said Hood.

The forum then discussed the 'role' of the forum.

McCourt expressed concern that the forum

was preventing VUWSA from providing its traditional services, and engaging with the University.

“The University is pointing to the Student Forum as the more appropriate means, but the forum may or may not want this role,” he said.

“Do we want to come back to what we think the role is?” said Hood.

Around this time, pizza was delivered to the room.

It was clear to most of the room that little was being achieved. Student Representative Max Hardy cited some research that said the most successful student representative groups were those that were instigated by students in the first place.

“The main problem is the forum is not endorsed by students... we should put it to a referendum,” he said.

He also claimed it was the University's intention for the forum to “diffuse the student voice”.

But Hood said Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh was open to holding a review or referendum on the forum at the beginning of 2013, instead of towards the end as previously planned.

Although, Whaipooti questioned the wisdom of holding a referendum that asked students what they thought of the student forum, if

6

the student forum itself did not know, and considering the low turnout rate of most student elections.

Member David Rektorys felt that since most students were unaware of the forum's existence, they would have nothing to say about it.

“Out of everyone that I've have talked to, only one has heard of the forum, and he mixed it up with the University Council,” he said.

Rektorys was in favour of dissolving the forum.

Salient was closest to the pizza, it was only two metres away and no-one would have noticed a piece missing. Salient ultimately decided against presumptive consumption of flour-based foodstuffs, in the interest of professionalism.

“A referendum would be a waste of time,” said Whaipooti, although she felt dissolving the forum would be a mistake.

But McCourt argued that students needed to be given the opportunity to tell the University what their representation should look like.

Eventually a motion was passed that said each representative group would consult its own members before giving their views on the forum, to be collated by a newly establish committe. They also passed a motion, 12-8, to hold a referendum after the committee had presented its findings.

NEWS

I JUST BLUE MYSELF SPORTING STUDENTS HONOURED AT AWARDS; CANAPÉS DELICIOUS. OLLIE NEAS

Rowing and debating blew away the competition at the Blues Awards last week, with rower Luke Watts and debater Johanna McDavitt claiming the awards for Sportsperson of the Year, and Sports Administrator of the Year respectively.

Maori Sportsperson of the year went to canoe polo player Jordan Aria Housiaux.

The awards, held at the Hunter Chambers last Wednesday night, exist to recognise Victoria students who excel at the highest level in their chosen sport, while also balancing personal and academic commitments. The first Blue was awarded in 1903.

“At Victoria University we encourage our students to achieve a balance between academic and non-academic life,” said Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh at the awards, “I am very proud that many of our students have taken that on board and have achieved national and international sporting achievement.”

Past winners include All Blacks Victor Vito

and Conrad Smith, and Major League Soccer footballer Simon Elliott.

Representing Vic, Luke Watts placed 2nd in the mens singles at the University Rowing Champs. He also won the under 21 Lightweight double, heavyweight quad and eight at the 2012 Youth Cup regatta in Sydney.

Johanna McDavitt was co-convenor of Australs, the world’s second largest debating tournament, which was held in July this year.

The awards were the second year in a row in which the majority of Blues went to debaters.

Victoria Debating Society President and Blues panel member Udayan Mukherjee said this was a reflection of the relative strength of the society, not of a systematic bias toward the debating society.

But, VUWSA Clubs Officer Reed Fleming noted that different—but “very strict”— criteria were used to evaluate debaters.

Drinks and canapés were served after the ceremony. Recipients who had attended previous years’ ceremonies noted that both

7

the variety and abundance of nibbles was drastically diminished. A number of attendees noted that the miniature burgers were particularly delicious.

SPORTING BLUE: Chris McIntyre – Basketball Jordan Aria Housiaux – Canoe Polo (also Maori Sportsperson of the Year) Richard D’Ath – Debating Asher Emanuel – Debating Udayan Mukherjee – Debating Jodie O’Neill – Debating Paul Smith – Debating Sebastian Templeton – Debating Nicola Mackle – Netball Luke Watts – Rowing (also Sportsperson of the Year) Peter Houben – Ultimate Frisbee Jonathan Jackson – Ultimate Frisbee Lauchlan Robertson – Ultimate Frisbee

ADMINISTRATION BLUE: Philip Belesky – Debating Richard D’Ath – Debating Johanna McDavitt – Debating (also Sports Administrator of the Year) Sebastian Templeton – Debating Daniel Wilson – Debating Lauchlan Robertson – Ultimate Frisbee

NEW S

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“I've done some outrageous things in my time, but this is right up there,” Young-Drew said.

Both Hamill and Young-Drew are excited about the potential of the Power Shift summit.

“I think we have the opportunity to shake up and catalyze the youth climate movement in New Zealand in a way that just hasn't happened yet,” said Hamill.

Political science honours student David Smith believes the Power Shift summit is a good opportunity to get involved in taking action against climate change.

“There’s a big problem to do with climate change and how to deal with it, and youth play an important role in that,” he said.

The summit will be held from the 7th to 9th of December and will launch a 2013 campaign which aims to tackle climate change in a “positive and solutions-based manner.”

If you are interested in attending the NZPacific Power Shift Summit visit: powershift.org.nz

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Students are preparing to attend New Zealand’s largest ever youth climate summit in December this year.

The NZ-Pacific Power Shift Summit will see 1,000 young people take part in presentations, workshops and a flash mob over a three-day period at Auckland University.

Power Shift is an international movement with the aim of empowering youth to “secure their generation a safe climate future.”

Some Victoria students are taking action before they reach the summit by using environmentally friendly modes of transport to travel to Auckland.

Politics and sociology student Chrissy Hamill will be joining a group of students who are cycling up to the summit, some from as far away as Dunedin.

“I'm pretty excited, I think it's going to be heaps of fun,” Hamill said.

The trip will take three-and-a-half weeks from Dunedin and the group will be cycling with tents and all their other gear.

Fifth-year law student, Jamie Young-Drew will spend “approximately a week” sailing up to Auckland with a group of friends.

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NEWS

LOL MOLOLY MCC ARTHY

BRAZIL: THAT’S NUTS!

LAID UP—IN THE LIBRARY, APPARENTLY.

In Brazil, an electoral campaign in the Amazonas province has been taken to new heights (read: very high) with candidate Carme Cristina Lima’s distribution of cocaine as a voting incentive. Lima was arrested for electoral corruption and drug dealing, in relation to voters “gettin’ blackmailed, for that white girl”. While commentators maintain Lima may have blow-n her chances, Lima has maintained she was only using coke to ‘share a little happiness’.

Often envied for their academic prowess, Cambridge University students have been the subject of ridicule this week when it was revealed that only 60 condoms are provided per student, per week. While low libido is indeed a dire medical condition and should not be made light of, Salient is left to wonder—60? Is that all!?

UNLUCKY IN KENTUCKY While the placement of this story in LOL News may bemuse the novice reader, there is a certain romance to the headline ‘Man fires shots into crowd to impress girl’. In a second effort to prove he could discharge effectively, Carlos R Turrelles Arias made parents and children alike run for cover in the suburb of Southland in Louisville, Kentucky when he fired shots to impress his pregnant girlfriend.

While Arias was charged with carrying a concealed weapon, Salient presumes there was one more concealed weapon confiscated later that night. Wink.

BRITISH UNNECESSARILY POLITE (SORRY, BRITONS) A recent study has confirmed long-held suspicions surrounding the quintessential polite nature of Britons. When physical contact is made with strangers, three-quarters of British citizens will apologise even when they are the bumpee. Researchers hold that this mild-mannered timidness is also thought to be responsible for other British archetypical traits including queueing, tea, and scones.

NZUSA SLIPS INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE

RENTS TO DROP HOUSING CRISIS? WHAT HOUSING CRISIS?

HAPPY WITH SUPPORT ROLE, HONEST.

P H I L L I PA W E B B

S H I L PA B H I M

A shining light in Wellington’s rental market may make it easier for students to afford a flat.

TradeMe Property has released statistics that show the average rent on Wellington city properties has dropped by 3 per cent in the past three months compared to the same period last year.

But one student Salient spoke to is taking the rent drop with a grain of salt.

“I pay $150 each for a 4 bedroom Kelburn flat, and it is increasing to $162 when our lease ends in November,” he said.

“So what difference will this 3 per cent actually make?”

Adding to uncertainty is the likely increase in insurance premiums and rates, which may see landlords hike rent prices just in time for flat hunting in the summer.

The falls appears to be triggered by a drop in demand, as the number of properties listed on TradeMe have increased by 23 per cent, while enquiries have dropped by 17 per cent.

This imbalance was greatest in the central suburbs, as centre city rents dropped 3 per cent while in Johnsonville the drop was 5 per cent.

The only suburbs to see an increase in rents were Newtown up 5 per cent, and Karori, up 2 per cent.

The New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations Congress was held in Wellington from 5 to 8 October.

Following the passing of the VSM Bill last year, maximizing support for students’ associations has been the primary focus of NZUSA. Thirteen students' associations attended the congress to set new resolutions for the national body and discuss the new services being provided by NZUSA. VUWSA President Bridie Hood was pleased with the outcomes of the NZUSA Congress, stating that it was a good opportunity for students’ associations to discuss how “student control of student affairs” has been affected by the legislative change.

“I think we’ve all gone away from this congress more united as a group and even more invigorated to affect positive change for students,” she said.

NZUSA will be offering new leadership services under the name of NZUSA PLUS+.

Services which are likely to be provided include; expanded governance and management training, copying/printing and IT provision, accounting services, and facilitating O Week access to national and international acts.

“Students’ associations operate very differently from other groups, even other non-for-profits, so having governance trainings that relate specifically to our needs will be beneficial for everyone,” said Hood.

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NEW S

PLANET EARTH IS A COMPLICATED PLACE AND A LOT

WORL

OF COMPLEX BUSINESS goes down. It can be hard to ✷ KEEP UP AND EASY TO ✷ SOUND LIKE A DICK WHEN YOU

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

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Salient considers it ITS GOD-GRANTED DUTY to provide you, dear reader, all OF THE BASIC FACTS ABOUT THE biggest ongoing world issues so ➢ YOU CAN APPEAR ➣ MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE THAN YOU actually are—just like us.

ON THE

In the United States, USADA (the US Anti-Doping Administration) releases an extensive report accusing Tour de France king-pin Lance Armstrong of engaging in a giant conspiracy to compel his entire team to use drugs, concluding: “So ends one of the most sordid chapters in sports history.” The USADA promises to next month release the report as a thrilling novel.

In Georgia, USA, Navy technocrats opt to fund the development of a super-robot that can use everyday objects it encounters to pull off awesome and bad-ass rescues/stunts. “Our goal is to develop a robot that behaves like MacGyver, the television character from the 1980s,” says project leader Professor Mike Stilman.

In France, an anti-corruption group files a complaint against ex-President and nationalMr-cheeky-frog Nicolas Sarko-zeeee for allegedly misusing public funds to poll the public on pertinent topics—such as his relationship with musician and uber-babe Carla Bruni. Considering there’s nothing important happening in Europe right now, Salient wonders what all the fuss is about.

Across the planet, supermarkets struggle to fill the shelves as the UN warns of rising food costs following a year of absolutely atrocious weather and tummy-turning crop yields.

With diminished yields, grocers no longer have the choice to filter the supply of phallicshaped fruit.

In Picton, residents go without TVNZ for nine days as the town television transmitter broke. Resident Doug Bushby confirms the worst: “Monday’s a good night, we get Border Patrol and Coastwatch, and I missed them.

I think they’re the favourites on anyone’s minds.”

Say it ain’t so, Silvio!

NO MORE BUNGA BUNGA FOR AGING ITALIAN POLITICO P H I L L I PA W E B B

For those who enjoy their politics shrouded in sex scandal and mafiosos, the news that three-time Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will not stand in the next election will come as sad news.

In an announcement last week Berlusconi told his own Canale 5 television network that he is “ready to stand aside” to allow all rightwing parties to form a coalition that can “face the left together.”

The 75-year-old has dominated Italian politics for the past two decades. Though his political career has been tainted by criticism of his ownership in a majority of Italian media outlets, his reign only came to an end when his failure to deal with the Euro crisis and mounting national debt led to his resignation in November last year.

The news was an unexpected surprise to many, as Berlusconi has until recently had an “I’ll Be Back” mentality to Italian politics.

However it has been the billionaire’s underage sex charge, alleged mafia connections, and accusations that he holds “Bunga Bunga” sex parties in his mansion in Rome that has made international headlines.

He says he is “no saint” but has firmly denied ever paying for sex.

The origin of the phrase 'Bunga Bunga' is

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still unknown.

But sex aside, his announcement has been a source of concern to many political analysts.

It underlines the tensions in Berlusconi’s own center-right political party the People of Freedom (PDL), and the uncertain future of his unpopular successor, current Prime Minister Mario Monti.

Adding to concern is the unwillingness of other center-right parties to form a coalition with the PDL because of Berlusconi’s record unpredictability.

There is also uncertainty about whether leftwing parties will be able to come together and form their own solid opposition block, or if either side can even choose what voting system to use in next year’s election.

This confused political situation in the Euro’s third-largest economy has been a source of nervous hand sweats for the financial markets, as the emergence of a weak government could renege the successful financial reforms Monti has actually achieved.

Word on the Italian street is that no-one wants Bunga Bunga back. However his uncanny ability to remain at the center of Italian politics has the world watching to see if Silvio will have a change of heart before April next year.

NEWS

OvER HEaRD A T VI C Overseen at Vic: Salient advertising the University of Canterbury...

Toni Cadman-Kennedy Overheard in BMSC 117: Partway through talking about a certain intestinal Nematode the lecturer randomly asks “is it me or do the names of all these parasites sound like Harry Potter spells?” She then dramatically acted out casting a spell while shouting the parasites name “Enterobius vermicularis!!!!”.

Fintan Perrett Overheard in MGMT101: “Do you want me to wipe your asses as well?”

Followed by: “Don’t put that on bloody Overheard!”

Beau Wedlock

the

WEEK 

that

Overheard in GEOG 316: Lecturer: ‘Waves of globalisation’ was a concept invented by myself and Colin Firth. ...

Lecturer: Wait no, not Colin Firth! I don’t know Colin Firth! He’s an actor. I’d love to know Colin Firth. (Continues on in his own monologue). Stewart Firth! That’s his name.

Colin Firth...

Benjamin de Geest



WASN'T UNIVERSITY EMBRACES ‘SKINNY LOVE’ CHRIS McINTYRE

A recent University staff initiative has seen the introduction of dress standards for senior management and administrative members.

The initiative began in January, with the release of a white paper which aimed to “improve the accessibility of senior management to the student body”, and “connect the administrative department to campus culture in an assimilative capacity”.

A working committee’s green paper, which followed the white paper report released last month, recommended all senior management staff rolled their pant hems up a minimum of two rolls, kept top buttons done up in absence of ties, and advocated for greater debate on the philosophy of the ‘self’.

Assistant to the Vice Chancellor, Ramone McCutcheon, was seen buying organic free range eggs at Aro Valley grocer Patel’s last week, dressed in flannel, skinny denim jeans, and Clark’s desert boots while smoking a rollie.

“During my post-chillwave band rehearsal it

really dawned on me, University Council was just, so, like, institutional, y’know? I couldn’t do it, they were really harshing my vibes” “Is the Mighty market on this Saturday or next?” she was heard asking passers by.

Student radio station the VBC have noted an increase in calls from the Hunter Building, with The Shins, Bon Iver, Baths, and— some-what misplaced—Hanson amongst the most popular requests.

The initiative has not only affected senior management’s fashion choices, but also current building projects such as the construction of the Campus Hub, which has a projected completion date of mid-2013.

“We ditched the original plans for the Campus Hub; too many people were noticing and it was losing its cred,” Director of Campus Infrastructure Malcolm Featherby told Salient while shivering through his sleeveless fur vest.

“So we moved construction underground.”

Overheard on the Overbridge: Two people discussing baby names Male: “Boysenberry! That’s the CUTEST name EVER!” Female: “And it works on so many levels!”

Me: No. No, it does not.

Bec Soper Overheard on third floor library: First years discussing their drinking habits.

“100% absinth.. thats like methanol... its okay if you drink it through bread.”

Rick Andre Zwaan Overheard at Wishbone: First year dude says to other first year dudes ‘I was at Moorewilsons the other day and I saw cooking wine! Cheap booze and it’s like at lease 15%!’

Kerry Donovan Overseen in Laby building: Man in business atire walking with about 3ft tail of toilet paper attached to his shoe.

David Codde Overheard outside near entrance to Student Health: *excited jumping and hugging between guy and girl* “Oh I’m SO glad it’s not herpes!!!”

Hanna Jackson Email snippets of Vic life to overheard@salient.org.nz, or find overheard@vic on Facebook.

11

NEW S

THE

YEAR NEWS IN







2012 was destined to be a year of apocalyptic proportions.

Whether that took the form of students’ associations around New Zealand crashing and burning through the advent of Voluntary Student Membership (VSM), or the Mayan Calendar fucking us all over come December, us news types rubbed our hands with glee about the great news prospects that awaited.

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M O L LY M C C A R T H Y & S T E L L A B L A K E - K E L L Y

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- JANUARY -

- APRIL -

For those of us fortunate enough not to be in Summer School in January, university was still just a shadow on the horizon. Many of us saw in the New Year with an STD, RnV, or wearing a 2011 leavers’ hoodie and an STD at RnV.

The University found itself in hot water following an accusation of accounting fraud by a lecturer in the Dominion Post. An investigation was called and Victoria was eventually given the green light. For now.

Kim Dotcom kicked off his campaign to be New Zealander of the year when he was arrested at his mansion: now it’s October and this enigma of a man is still making headlines and raps on a regular basis.

- FEBRUARY Salient had not started paying any news staff wages yet; coincidentally, nothing happened this month.

- MARCH With heavy hearts, 22 000 Victoria University students arrived back at the ivory towers for a fresh year of study, only to find that the Campus Hub construction was STILL going.

For students starting a three-year degree in 2010, the cacophony of construction and labyrinth-like detours have been institutional university experiences like listening to Studylink’s hold music and starting every essay at 11pm the night before it’s due.

To make up for such a clusterfuck of a campus, VUWSA intended to throw the party of all parties come O-week, but following a breakdown in relations with the University, students were left drunk and confused at the lack of burning couches and international acts.

The University announced its intention to muscle in on VUWSA’s territory and establish the Student Forum as the primary representational body. VUWSA President Bridie Hood made a stand against the University, moving a motion at Academic Board that the Student Forum go out for consultation with students before its implementation.

Excitement peaked at the Kelburn campus in late March when the University was forced to evacuate Easterfield following a bomb scare.

Despite the upset to classes no charges were laid, as the case against the perpetrators proved as shaky as a pair of oversize dive boots.

Everyone’s Facebook and Twitter feeds became quickly flooded

by KONY 2012, which saw youths everywhere “protesting” about “injustice” and making their “voices” “heard” (read: liking, sharing, retweeting, and buying rubber bracelets).

What a pity the organiser of the campaign was later found masturbating in public.

- MAY Steven Joyce led a number of Young Nats to question their life choices when he increased compulsory student loan repayments from four to eight per cent of income. Joyce also reduced eligibility to student allowances—‘poor’ students would soon be as in debt as everyone else.

While NZUSA scrambled to attempt “PR” and “communications”, Joyce had the last laugh when he suggested that student representation be removed from university councils.

After months of anguish for VUWSA, the University claimed very late in the day that the Student Forum’s function as the ‘primary representative body’ was just a “typo”, and it was simply intended to be a glorified focus group.

- JUNE Down at the High Court, the Scott Guy trial provided the nation with a real-life who dunnit, and every man and his dog became an expert in dead puppies, shotgun wounds, and how fast one can ride a bike.

- JULY In a coincidence that led media commentators to question the possibility of a Rise of the Gaytriarchy, Labour MP Louisa Wall’s Marriage Amendment Bill was pulled from the members’ ballot during Victoria’s annual Pride Week. Coincidence? We think not.

Finally, VUWSA—relatively major fuck-up free thus far—landed

12

NEWS

1. It was only in January that all-round hero Kim Dotcom (pictured) began to win over the hearts of New Zealand.

2. The accused Ewen Macdonald takes the stand for the murder of brother-in-law Scott Guy. 3. VUWSA Academic VicePresident Josh Wright attempts to silence Salient following Condomgate, the prophylactic scandal which befouled the association in July.

4. Salient inspects the progress of the campus hub development.

Salient with a legitimate opportunity to publish dick jokes: Condomgate. Executive members challenged the integrity of VUWSA’s welfare function when they dropped a giant glass bowl of condoms, and demonstrated why shards of glass and latex don’t mix well.

- AUGUST As we faced one of the coldest months of the year in poorly-insulated flats, at least we had the Olympic torch to keep us warm at night.

Medals were won; hours of sleep were lost, and lycra-sport-suit crotch-watching became everyone’s new favourite pastime.

VUWSA held a short-lived AGM, at which they had intended to vote on the controversial Governance Review, which would see the replacement of Women’s Officer and Queer Officer with a single Equity Officer. After quorum of 100 students was only just achieved in time, it was soon lost as a number of students left the room for the promise of “Red Bull chicks on campus”. The meeting was closed, students feasted on pizza, Bridie cried.

- SEPTEMBER To the delight of a majority of students, the Marriage Equality Bill passed its first reading at Parliament following a rigorous period of campaigning, marching, and letter-writing.

Fee-setting saw the University vote with their wallets, and choose to raise fees for 2013 by the maximum of four per cent. In addition, the University applied to raise fees for Social Sciences and Humanities by eight per cent—which will bring Victoria’s fees into line with New Zealand’s seven other big baller universities.

VUWSA tried again to woo quorum, this time at a Special General Meeting to support marriage equality and enforce the governance review’s recommendations. Following a rumour that representatives from Christian group Huge! would oppose the marriage equality motion, students turned out in force and quorum was happily met.

Governance Review amendments were passed and, following debate on whether VUWSA should put its weight behind Marriage Equality, the meeting pulled a Winston Peters and chose to put the decision to a referendum in the upcoming elections.

- OCTOBER VUWSA kicked off the month with the results of the closelycontested executive elections announced.

A showdown between newcomer Jackson “charming” Freeman and old-hand Rory “experience” McCourt saw high tensions and an excessive number of graffiti-able faces rife across the University.

True to form, the running of the election was not without its faults; results were announced an hour late due to a number of voting papers that were accidentally sent to non-VUWSA members having to be painstakingly removed from the statistics. In anticipation of the belated results, a Jackson Freeman supporter started carrying out Freeman’s policy to revitalise the Hunter Lounge when he punched his fist through a window in an attempt to “open it”.

Alongside McCourt being elected as President by a margin of 300 votes, and a number of other people elected to other roles, the election also saw an overwhelming number of students voting in favour of VUWSA supporting marriage equality.

THE MOTHERFUCKING BIG KUMARA MOTHERFUCKING CLOSED. A Wellington institution and the catalyst for numerous births, deaths, and marriages, sadly the Big K was forced to close its doors following coming out worse-off in a head on collision with the Inland Revenue Department. It is unclear what will happen to the infamous pole in the bar’s liquidation of assets.

On the same weekend, the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) held its annual election, with only one candidate—2012’s President Pete Hodgkinson—running. Following a loss to No Confidence in the first round of voting, Hodgkinson proceeded to break down in tears, leading to a victory in the second round of voting. David Shearer, take note.

13

nz first youth

act on campus

Unfortunately NZ First Youth failed to respond to Salient's question this week. Tragic.

ACT on Campus focuses on issues that affect young people in New Zealand, and with that view we think that the most important issue is youth unemployment (now at 17 per cent).

The problem is that most young workers are yet to build up productive value, which is what employers get in return for the wage they give. Present minimum wage rules mean that undeveloped value is a disincentive to to employ young workers. Thanks to ACT, the government will reinstate a youth minimum wage to restore the incentive for businesses to build up the work experience of young workers so they can get ahead on their own efforts. For students, that means real world experience and more income than the allowance.

Michael Warren

♔

PA RT I S AN

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SALIENT ASKED, What has been the most important political issue of the year?

THE HACKS RESPOND...

vic labour

greens at vic

vic nats

Inequality isn’t new, however, throughout 2012, we’ve seen it become more prevalent. It’s the most important political issue of the year. As a society, we’re only as strong as the weakest links among us. If we want NZ to be fairer and more equal, we can’t be so without helping our most vulnerable. This year we’ve witnessed the Government’s inaction while kids go to school without lunch. They’ve made it harder for beneficiaries during high unemployment.

Now they want to cut wages for young people and make it harder to get a student allowance making access to tertiary education harder.

With an exodus of Kiwis heading to Australia, the Government needs to stop hurting at start helping.

The issue which has mobilised New Zealanders this year is the Government plan to sell our state assets. The Keep Our Assets coalition has 270,000 petition signatures calling for a referendum, and counting!

So why hold onto our state assets?

These SOEs are some of our highest earning assets. National is planning to sell companies with shareholder returns of 18.5%, all to avoid borrowing costs to the government of around 4%. Selling these assets to reduce debt will actually cost the Government money.

Looking forward, our state owned energy companies hold great potential as export opportunities. Clean energy expertise is becoming increasingly sought after worldwide, and we are perfectly placed to sell it. Why throw that away?

If you haven’t yet signed the petition, get onto it!

The Vic Nats have been active around many important issues this year. We lobbied MPs to keep the drinking age 18 and campaigned for same sex marriage, two issues very important to our diverse membership and to all young New Zealanders.

We believe strongly that 18 year olds are responsible enough to make their own decisions and it would be unconscionable to bar them from formalising their love, or having a beer. We are proud of the great number of National MPs who supported this, but we also acknowledge those who disagreed but took the time to hear all sides of these debates—often lost in the partisan hackery is the need for these debates to be had in an open and respectful fashion.

Chelsea Torrance

Harriet Farquar

— 14 —

Christian Hermansen

It's All Down Hill From Here: Where To For The Nats?

HAMISH MCCONNOCHIE

“ACT Leader” over the Dotcom donations saga. That opportunity has been and gone though—doing it now would strike of desperation.

Colin Craig is toxic and any association with him would be the political equivalent of drinking from a poisoned chalice.

Essentially, when National’s support drops, it is likely this decrease is contributing as votes to the ‘bloc’ of left-leaning parties—they simply have nowhere else to go.

Handling of the sale of state assets will continue to be an issue for this term of government. The delay has shifted the timeline back enough that at least one of the floats will occur in 2014. That delay has been forced upon Key, which allows him and his party the opportunity to abandon the sales if need be (read: “polling”) and save face by saying his hand was forced. While the Waitangi Tribunal has created an issue for the Government, it’s also provided a political get-out-of-jail-free card.

Navigation of further local body amalgamations and amendments to the Local Government Act will encounter stronger opposition next year. Our local body politicians are up for re-election in less than a year, providing a platform to draw the public eye to the reforms which the sector is overwhelmingly opposed to. The argument is that it is not the role of councils to be setting goals around NCEA pass rates, however this oft-cited example was the result of the central government-designed spatial plan

— 15 —

for Auckland. Eliminating overlap between central and local government is a fine goal, but this Bill goes too far.

Liabilities for leaky homes have formed a significant part of council debt in recent years, yet the reforms seem to ignore this as a causative reason for increases in rates and borrowings. The situation looks set to get worse following last week’s Supreme Court decision in Body Corporate No. 207624 v North Shore City Council. Previously, councils were only liable for compensation to residential owners of leaky homes, but Body Corporate has paved the way for nonresidential owners to seek payouts. The most ironic aspect of the leaky home situation was that the Building Act 1991 permitted the ongoing saga, a piece of legislation passed when National were in power.

In National’s favour is their relationship in the Maori Party and that the “problems” of this year occurred following re-election, rather than prior to. The public forgets about most scandals, as Nick Smith will now realise but, a large German man with the persona to match is not as easily forgotten. Dotcom is probably a right-wing kind-of-guy, but he’s causing enough trouble whether through his own work or state sector mishaps to continue to be a thorn in National’s side. Perhaps overcoming Dotcom is the Nats' biggest obstacle.

Hamish is generally wrong.

Tell him why on Twitter: 

@mishviews



PHOTO BY CHANDRA MILLER

As this issue goes to print, National are down to 41.5 per cent in the polls, their lowest level of support since 2008.

Don’t count this as a sign of a likely change of government just yet—the Nats can come back—but it will take careful management and a steady 2 years of government to get there. Another 2012 performance in 2013 could see their polling dip into the thirties.

The biggest issue for National still remains their lack of support parties. When Labour drops in the polls, a lot of their support switches allegiance to the Greens. When National dips in the polls, supporters have no seemingly worthwhile parties to turn to. Dunne seemingly has no intention of rebuilding United Future to their comparative glory days of 2002—he was apparently lining up the role of speaker—while ACT’s supporters are flirting with the idea of ditching their “Association” to create a new, limited-government party with members of LibertariaNZ and possibly Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis.

While I was formerly of the opinion that Banks could rebuild the party, my belief was based around a successful trial of charter schools resulting in regained support for the party. The results of the trial won’t be out for around another two years though, and his supporter base is leaving him and ACT behind now. A co-leadership with Catherine Isaac would have potentially secured some of the dissents from leaving.

It could have allowed Banks to step down as

in review

How to Pull: An Enquiry into Getting Maggot & Leaning In To quote Rafiki: “it is time.” I can wait no longer to impart unto you my wisdom as regards the Dark Art of pulling. As with any magnum opus, the scene must be set: me, alone outside a café, on a Sunday morning. A woman brings her partner out a muffin and kisses the back of his neck. I think to myself, “They’re probably both divorcés, and she’s not kissing his neck, she’s just whispering ‘I got you bran, babe, because the prune juice didn’t work.’” Upon closer inspection, neither of them is wearing a ring. Thank you and goodnight.

Let’s not beat around the bush. (Not a substantive point—although for God’s sake get a wax, don’t you know it’s a prerequisite?) Your pulling campaign begins with a stellar first impression. I once misheard a new acquaintance while talking about gay adoption, telling him “gay abortion is a pretty disgusting use of science, bro.” Not so much profound as profoundly deaf. At that delicate age, I had not realised that first impressions were child’s play: all one needed was fullbeam bedroom eyes, light to moderate arm touching and a working knowledge of what the Guardian online led with that day.

If you are a bit of a social flailer (read: unable to advocate the rights of Syrian minorities) I suppose you might be allowed to fall back upon second impressions. I met this guy

once—total babe—and upon our second encounter executed absolutely devastating game, none of which he responded to because he was high as a kite and physically unable to speak. To bystanders it must have looked a lot like The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

A note of realism, because I don’t want your “happiness” to be founded on an unrealistic model, as has happened to so many Reserve Bank governors. More applicable to women as this admittedly is, please do me a solid and accept that you are not glammed up because the opposite sex notices or will care. You are glammed up to try to outrank the competition, by whom you feel threatened. I even have white shimmer on the insides of my eyes to make them look wider. Because I care.

Next: your target. Maybe you have a ‘type’.

Mine would have to be the uninterested.

Think how Captain Von Trapp treats Maria at the beginning. Baby baby, is that a dog whistle in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? All-too-real fantasies aside, equally unsuitable categories include but are not limited to (and invoke commentary of): hot but vapid (tiresome), smart but arrogant (regrettable), damaged (most people, but there is a special reverence reserved for those who make a trait of it), the person that you feel is the male/female version of yourself (aim higher, you can do better than you), those — 16 —

people that are dating or have dated your friends (nuuuurrhh) , rich kids on Instagram (.tumblr.com – do it), young Labourites (who blanch at my dad’s job but quite enjoy a hoon at pétanque), people whose orientation means that they will not be attracted to you, and about whom you realise as much midway into a conversation about surrogacy. I have clearly digressed here, but that was fun.

Lastly, the cleavage between giving a man a fish and teaching a man to fish is a literal one.

Boys are not and have never been ready for the bold truth of my opening line—that my flat chest means I have to exercise a quick wit to stay on the playing field. It requires mental agility, which often precludes me from getting blotto enough to lean in without a sufficiently enticing line. The sufficiently enticing line is key. Banter’s also made up almost entirely of bullshit—stay away from the truth. I have spent the last few years laughing loudly about my lack of sexual prowess out of crippling insecurity and—get this—everyone thinks it’s reverse psychology! Is that or is that not A+ trolling? Also, try not to hypothetically subtly hint at your loneliness over twenty-five hypothetical columns because it means that lots of people hypothetically think you’re a tease when you aren’t desperately grateful for their hypothetical interest.

I think my work here is done.

SCIENCE

what's it up to?

L E T U S B E FAT

LIKE IT LIKE THAT

W I L B U R TOW N S E N D

BAS SUCKLING

This is me coming out. Three weeks ago, I realised I had changed. It had been gradual, predictable and, in hindsight, I should have seen it coming.

Yet I was shocked when I stepped onto my grandparents’ scales and read ‘90.0 kg’. With a body-mass index of 25, I am now technically overweight.

I am not meant to like being fat. I am supposed to accept the overwhelming societal message that my life choices are irrational, lazy and wrong. Fat positivism is the idea that they are none of those things, and this column is in its defense.

The ‘war on fat’ at first sounds inoffensive. Our society is chronically unhealthy; two million kiwis are overweight or obese; urgent action is apparently needed. ‘Harm-minimisation’ is the dominant public health paradigm, and its evidence-based approach is commendable. Yet beneath the rhetoric lies a patronising paternalism that should offend us all. By focussing only upon our actions’ harms and ignoring their benefits, harm-minimisation parodies our decision-making. It should not be allowed to capture the public health debate.

I confess: I often buy the $3.50 Large Chips from Illot Cafe. Maybe I need the pick-me-up. Maybe I see an all-nighter looming ahead. Maybe I can’t afford a $10 Wishbone sandwich. These decisions are not and should not be fetishisations of long-term health consequences; they are deliberate evaluations of that which is important for me. I know that these chips aren’t the healthiest thing in the world, and I know my lifestyle isn’t either, but for me these decisions make sense.

This is where economic theory differs from harm-minimisation: instead of assuming that all bads should be avoided, we start out with the basic understanding that, most of the time, people are doing what they think makes sense. If people are hurting their own health, then they may well have a good reason to be doing so. That ‘people are rational’ is often ridiculed as right-wing dogma, but it is not. Whatever your ideology, the idea that our choices determine the validity of our actions is an idea worth embracing.

And no, screeching ‘imperfect information’ or ‘externalities’ in not intellectually rigorous. Sure, I haven’t gone through med school, but I’m perfectly aware of the health consequences of my weight—I just think there are things that matter more. And yes, my health could cost the rest of society, but it probably won’t—most people end up dying one way or another, and those who take a hit sooner actually tend to cost less. Paternalism is paternalism, and it is crude to dress it as anything else.

The public health belligerents are cocking their weapons. Proposals like fat taxes and the outright prohibition of certain foods are patronising, ignoring the value of our choices. While harm-reduction is an idea painted as sympathy, disrespectful sympathy is sympathy that I can do without.

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of worm, nicknamed ‘the devil worm’ but with an even better scientific name, Halicephalobus mephisto—Diablo fans know what I’m talking about. But why the demonic names you may ask? Well it’s probably due to the fact that this worm was found living at the bottom of a South African gold mine, a regular extremophile. The team wasn’t sure if the worms had been tracked in by miners or had come out of the rock. To find out, this guy Gaetan Borgonie , spent a year boring deep into mines for veins of water, retrieving samples and filtering them for waterdwelling nematodes. He scoured a total 31,582 litres until he finally found the worm in several deep-rock samples, at depths between 0.9 – 3.6 km. What’s more, he found evidence the worms have been there for thousands of years. Isotope dating of the water housing the worm placed it to between 3,000 and 12,000 years ago—indicating the animals had evolved to survive the crushing pressure and high heat of the depths.

They hope the new devil worm will inspire others to search for complex life in the most extreme places—both on Earth and elsewhere. People usually think only bacteria could exist below the surface of a planet like Mars. This discovery says, “woah there cowboy, you best be checkin’ your facts.” Discussions about extremophiles and their potential has lead to theories about origins of life on previously uninhabited planets.

Panspermia is the idea that primitive life forms could travel between planets and survive the journey. For some, panspermia represents a possible origin of life on Earth, as microbes from other planets could have arrived here and acted as the forebears of all subsequent developing species. The concept is often ridiculed as unrealistic and speculative, but several recent studies have lent panspermia more credibility.

One study found that some tardigrades (microscopic eight-legged invertebrates) were able to survive after spending 10 days exposed to space and solar radiation. Between various other research efforts, scientists have found that organisms classified as bacteria, lichens and invertebrate animals have survived at least some time spent in the vacuum of space. Some protection from radiation, such as being on a rock, seems to help organisms survive the journey. But wherever they land, these space travellers need an environment that will allow them to live and grow. An interesting idea, which was the basis of the terrible Sean William Scott film, Evolution. The earth was going to be destroyed by a giant 4 legged walking slug thing, but luckily they saved the day with 1000s of litres of shampoo shot from a fire engine.

— 17 —

* WINNER! * Congratulations to Joanna Wallens for winning Salient and Vic ITS’s Save My Study competition.

Joanna has won herself a flash new Dell laptop—good luck studying!

Trainee Air Traffic Controllers

Check out our website now for videos, tests and games, and all the info on what’s involved and how to apply to become an ATC.

www.airways.co.nz/atccareers Scan the code to see if you’ve got what it takes.

Not sure what you’re going to be once Uni’s all over?

Don’t start out with some boring job… get straight into a career as an Air Traffic Controller! Training only takes around 12 months so you’ll be in control of student debt and your life. Get a work/life balance second to none. You’ll work 4 days on / 2 days off and earn a qualification that’s internationally recognised.

FD04380-SALIENT-b

SAL I E N T P RO BE S TH E

punters THE FIVE QUICKIES 1.

What is a respectable bedtime?

2.

What is your best quality?

3.

What is the sexiest country?

4.

What has been your highlight at Vic this year?

1.

I struggle to make it to nine.

1.

10:30 would be respectable.

2.

My Twitter account.

2.

I’m a very safe driver.

Hipster being one, jock being ten, where do you see yourself on the scale?

3.

South Africa, the accents are hot.

3.

4.

Vic confessions.

5.

3.25.

Mmmm, thats a hard one, sexy... I like the mystery of the Middle East... Brazil though, sorry.

4.

Oh thats actually really hard. Searching the sifty parts of the library for my research on pornography. It took me back to my youth.

5.

I’ll go 4.

5.

STELLA

GEORGE

GEOGRAPHY & ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES

ENGLISH LITERATURE

ANDREW RELIGIOUS STUDIES & ENGLISH LITERATURE, MANY STUDIES

1.

I’d say between 11.15 and 11.45.

2.

Umm, the ability to persuade people to do odd things. I recently persuaded someone to tie themselves up and just talk in a stream of consciousness for several minutes.

CHRISTIAN POLITICAL SCIENCE

1.

Ah respectable would probably be 10 but for students more like 12 or one.

2.

Outgoing? Is that okay?

3.

Swaziland.

3.

I’d have to say New Zealand.

4.

A theatre lecture we had the other day where we were talking about post-traumatic theatre and I mentioned a homeless guy who got paid to masturbate in-front of a fine arts crowd—it didn’t go down well.

4.

The VUWSA elections I’d have to say. I wasn’t a candidate, just causing havoc on the side. It was quite fun.

5.

5.

Probably in the middle, ‘bout five.

I don’t wanna comply with this scale, death to irony, death to the hipster...

— 19 —

SONYA ENGLISH LITERATURE & SOCIOLOGY

1.

In what sense? To be social or to be good?

Eleven to be good.

2.

I can talk to anyone.

3.

Ireland.

4.

Getting my VUWSA position to be honest.

5.

4.0.

finalient

Long road to ruin

A PEEK INTO THE FRAZZLED MIND OF AN HONOURS STUDENT Fairooz Samy

The road to postgrad is a long and arduous one that begins with the fabled honours year. While it’s a cut above the interchangeable mass that is ‘undergraduate study’, honours falls in to that awkward credible-but-not-quite-masters territory. This is a brief roundup of my honours experience, which I write in the hope of deterring idealistic BA students from following in my missteps. I make no secret of the fact that, at the time of writing, I’m six days away from handing in my year-long research project. Regardless, I’m sure the overall stress and lack of sleep hasn’t affected my journalistic objectivity.

— 24 —

finalient

Admittedly, you will meet great people: Thus far, this article has been overwrought with gloom, but it isn’t all bad. Undergrad tutorials are filled with insufferable douchebags, but when you reach honours level they miraculously disappear.

Sweep away your preconceptions about “Undergrad tutorials are filled with competitive classmates and mouthy insufferable douchebags, but when you “intellectuals” because honours students reach honours level they miraculously are generally great. The small class sizes disappear.” allow you to get to know everyone, and the mid-class coffee breaks and afterclass drinks are opportunities to commiserate with people who know what you’re going through. Once you break past the undergrad barrier, lecturers and Masters students become much friendlier. You might even spot one of those mythical PhD seekers, but I wouldn’t bet on it. If you’re lucky enough to take honours in Film, Theatre, or Media Studies, you get to extend your acquaintance circle to include the It will turn you against the faculty higher-ups. This of course means that things you love: you can partake in casual Friday get-togethers So you got excited because your 489 is all at Southern Cross (or as Salient staffers call it, about the growth of post-punk or the effects of ‘SoCro’). Hooray for camaraderie. imperialism. A whole year to delve in to your favourite subject, so the research can’t possibly To provide a more balanced view, I elicited be boring or difficult, right? What the lecturers the opinion of someone much more levelfail to mention is that academic jargon and the headed and organised than my (jaded) self—my Chicago referencing style will butcher your classmate, Katie Freeman-Tayler. Katie is finishing interests and passions. This is a best case scenario. her media honours this year and her 489 is Besides the difficulty of choosing a researchabout national identity construction in the New worthy project, you can do what I did and pick something that seems engaging but is a bitch to Zealand media. actually execute. Or prove. Or even explain. In Katie, what do you think about the honours workload? the event that you are stuck with a less-thanis it lighter than at an undergraduate level, or does desirable topic, Your will annoy your friends and flatmates: At various points in the year, you’ll find yourself prioritising your 489’s various deadlines. This will involve tons of whining, explaining, and thinking out loud, and as the deadlines approach, your 489 topic will become your only topic of conversation.You’ll stop checking in with friends or going out on weekends until eventually people stop inviting you to things. After 6 months of dinner conversations involving the phrases “thesis”, “my supervisor says” or “how will I incorporate Bourdieu?”your flatmates will start avoiding you too.

Be prepared to let your health go: Unless you live for exercise and have been vegan for years, this is not the year to start improving your wellbeing. Instead, start practicing your speed cooking and be ready to live off cereal for weeks at a time, because those chapter deadlines wait for no man. When you’re not downing coffee to keep you awake, you’ll be spending all of your disposable income on comfort food to compensate for all the dinners you won’t have time to be making. This inevitably leads to weight gain, sluggishness, and chocolate stains on most of your clothing, but hey, you can procrastinate by doing the laundry.

the difficulty level even out the lower number of courses?

I think that it’s just another step up, like harder, but no harder than going from first to second year etc. I think the real difference though is that at undergrad level you are basically taught everything you need to know in lectures/ readings, so it’s legit to start an essay a few days (night before) and you will be sweet. But at postgrad level you don’t get taught directly what essays are on.You get to pick your own topics a lot of the time and are expected to do more research, so because of that it takes longer and you have to put more effort into the work. Oh and yeah, reading theory as opposed to reading about the theory does make it a bit harder.

have ten new friends which is defiantly the best part about honours for me. I also feel a lot more comfortable about approaching lecturers in the faculty, as I like that they know who you are and things about you. At undergrad you are just one of many.

Has your honours year been more or less enjoyable than your undergraduate experience?

It has been a lot more enjoyable. I like that you are focused on one area of study and get to know that so well. The small class sizes would be the huge difference for me from undergrad level though.

What’s the worst thing about taking honours? (e.g. 489 stress, having to read Nietzsche, higher expectations..)

The worst thing would be the 489 (but also potentially the best, ask me in a week). It’s really hard to have to think about something for a whole year and not be able to fully relax with it always in the back of your mind, even if it’s the holidays etc. But I also think it will be very rewarding. Another little aside, I think the one thing I have learnt from honours is how to procrastinate. I have become amazing at cooking, I have learnt how to make hollandaise sauce from scratch, I am constantly baking to fill in time, and have a perfectly organised iTunes library. Also, doing honours I have become immune to coffee and picked up weird habits like doing my washing at 3am when I have to stay up and write an essay.

Katie’s terrific baking aside, she does mention some of the better aspects of honours. Maybe I’m overreacting, or using my last 1200 words to take out my frustrations on the world. The truth is, honours really does improve you as a person.You get to expand your mind in fuller, more productive ways than before, and you get to challenge yourself academically.You gain friends, you gain drinking buddies, and maybe you even gain your parents’ respect. Most importantly, you gain a qualification that’ll hopefully convince employers that you’re hireable. And you can’t put a price on that.

Hear hear. Do you think being an honours student has made you feel more comfortable with things like talking to lecturers and other post grads? And what are the perks to smaller class sizes?

The perks are definitely the smaller class sizes (especially when Trisha [Dunleavy, lecturer] supplies you with biscuits “The small classes also mean you and coffee/tea). Also, actually get to know your class, and now because of the small class I have ten new friends which is definitely sizes then you are able to the best part about honours for me.” negotiate with lectures and get extensions and change deadlines, and they are just generally a lot more accommodating. The small classes also mean you actually get to know your class, and now I

— 25 —

Hello Salient, I Come In Peace

finalient

A LETTER FROM BEYOND TOMORROW Carlo Salizzo

“...it will be Salient which uncovers every gory detail and spearheads the military action needed to liberate students from the literal prison which the Campus Hub has become.”

Through the miracle of modern technology, I have composed and written this article to you, the Salient readers of 2012, from the relatively distant future.You see, this year’s editors will soon bury a time capsule to be opened in the event of commercial time travel being made practical. In a manner of speaking, that time is (for me, at least) now. We can send electronic signals through the aether, which scientists will discover for you quite soon, and rearrange them in the past, creating what you call electronic mail. I, a humble writer from the magazine’s future, am given the responsibility of passing on to you some fun information about what you may expect from the future. First, though, a request: I won’t be sharing anything that could seriously derail the course of herstory, but please, don’t repeat anything contained in this article to anyone.

I’m told that in your time Salient is only read by a select few of the conservative intelligentsia, and I know I can count on you to keep this a secret.

The next few years will be difficult ones for our magazine. A shortage of funding, a lack of student engagement and of course the violent demise of print media all take their toll. Thankfully, a dedicated team of staff and volunteers will be on hand to keep things steady. Their names will be honoured in due time in the Mausoleum of Editors, once the Old Student Union Building is demolished to make room for a suitable resting place. Thanks to the tireless efforts of so many hardworking student journalists, Salient will have cemented its place in the national consciousness within 50 years. By the time the University is overtaken in a vicious coup by a fanatic religious group, it will be Salient which uncovers every gory detail and spearhead the military action needed to liberate students from the literal prison which the Campus Hub will become.

From there, Salient will have nowhere to go but up. Being a student publication brings with it a yearly turnover of editors, and while that has its drawbacks it does allow a magazine to remain fresh and

— 26 —

in touch with its audience. For that very reason, Salient has always fought off any competitor to the title of number one reading material at Victoria. We will go on to fight off a resurgent Victorious, an aggressively expansive Critic and of course the people ironically reading Craccum. When one of those people who comments obsessively on Overheard or Confessions facebook pages takes over, yes, it will be a sickeningly awful time for everyone. But I assure you, don’t lose hope. That experience will only inspire a new generation of unfulfilled BA students and degree-regretting law students to pick up the torch, and plant the seeds of what will in time become a galaxy-spanning media empire, with one magazine at its beating heart. Cyborg-Vice Chancellor Pat Walsh will put it best when he celebrates two centuries of Salient magazine with the words, “For Gods’ sake, it’s one hell of a read!”

Salient will always stand for the issues, proudly allowing the views of students to be heard on whatever topic they wish. Those topics will change, from marriage equality and student allowances, to robot emancipation and singularity-positivism, but the soul will forever remain the same. The faces will change, but the people here will always be the same promiscuous, borderline-alcoholic dogooders they always have been.

I won’t lie to you, there will always be those who take student media less than seriously. Those stylus-pushers are the ones who will eventually lead to our downfall. I’m sorry to say that as I write this, the final ever issue of Salient has gone to the holographers.

There will be no more features about the interweaving of sexpositivism and loneliness, no more one-page articles amounting to little more than an ego trip. No more dinosaurs comically cast as policemen. We have long been a force to be reckoned with, but we are no more. In our place will be a random collection of puzzles and letters. I hope people enjoy it.

finalient

Living in a Hipster’s Paradise

IT’S ABOUT THE IRONY NOT THE IRONING

Wellington is known for its foul weather, its hobbit hotties and, increasingly, its hipsters. The hipster style has become an institution here over the last couple of years. It’s great to see Wellingtonians developing an individual culture, but often you can’t move for rolled-up chinos and David Bain jumpers.

Home for me is a small town a little north of here. I grew up being the only vegetarian in the village and, when I came of voting age, also became its only Green supporter. I got used to hushed conversations in corners and overhearing whispers of “that’s a shame, she looks so normal”. My mother’s friends still assure her over strong cups of tea that it’s just a phase.

Rosie Wall short-lived. Now being mainstream in Wellington ain’t so easy.

First-world problems, right?

“People here don’t often ask whether chicken is a vegetable, nor do they invite you to dinner to make you watch them eating raw steaks...”

Coming to Wellington was a smart move. People here don’t often ask whether chicken is a vegetable, nor do they invite you to dinner to make you watch them eating raw steaks (apparently there was still a point to be made). In Wellington I was “mainstream”. It was good for a while; being part of the masses was nice. Above all, it was easy. But the mainstream has been drying up lately, with the social current diverting over to an alternative (and hipper) path.

My run of being smack bang in the middle of the majority was

— 27 —

For the most part, I’m pretty happy with how I am. I’ve been told I should enhance my personal brand, but until they offer some LAWS 300 level points for that, it won’t be happening. That said, the need to fit in is an inherent part of the mainstream condition and some days you just have to be a chameleon. I’ve spent more afternoons than I care to admit, scouring my flatmates' wardrobes, trying to fit in with a crowd of people who try to stand out. It’s not easy. If you want to try to blend on an everyday basis, boat shoes seem to be in. As is wearing sunglasses and sometimes beanies (I suspect beanie-wearing might be dictated by the waxing of the moon, but that’s just conjecture). Further, we all should learn to longboard; longboarding is bad-ass and great for toning the pins.

There are some substantial pluses to living in the country’s most alternative city. For one, if you head down to Dunedin or Canterbury for O Week (a magical time down south; nothing like the phantom events we have here) scarfies will pick up on the hipster scent. Having detected individuality, they shower you with respect. I don’t quite understand this, but it’s very pleasant.

I love living in a city where ironing isn’t advised. It saves time, effort and probably lives. Our fun-loving (read: always-a-little-bitwasted) demographic should be kept away from things like irons.

Ironing boards are also scoundrels and not to be trusted.

Loose clothing is encouraged here. This is a blessing as baggy clothes mean food. Lonely Planet says Wellington has more bars, cafes and restaurants per capita than New York City. A statistic like that should be celebrated; don the oversized shirts, go out and get amongst the best pizza, pastries and booze you can find. In the past, to get rid of the muffin-top peeping over the pants, we were expected to cut out the muffins. No longer! Finally, someone’s figured out that the pants were the real culprit. Out with pants, in with muffins: hipster logic is genius!

finalient THE STAGES OF OKC 1. Excitement.

Look at all these cuties! I’m gonna message everyone. I hope they like me!

2. Trepidation.

What if no-one replies? Am I ugly? Oh god this lady wants to “hang out”. What does that mean?

3. Apathy Everyone on this website is crazy. I am one with the machine.

4. Amusement This is the stage I am in currently. I rewrote my profile from the perspective of a Nigerian scam artist. I sort matches by how uncompatible we are and laugh at their profiles.

A DV E N T U R E S I N T H E P E C U L I A R WO R L D O F O N L I N E DAT I N G Emma Maddox

Earlier this year, I ended a “serious relationship” and entered the part of my life that I affectionately refer to as my “slut phase”. In doing so, I tried pretty much every method of wooin’ da ladiez known to this earth. I went to parties, gigs and bars. I hit on my friends, my tutors and my baristas (sorry you guys). If it didn’t work, I asked them to introduce me to their cute pals. I made suggestive eye contact with strangers. And eventually, I joined OKCupid.

— 28 —

Hey Baby Let Me At ‘Dat Pussy For those of you who have never been desperate, lonely or internet-savvy enough to have heard of it, OKCupid is a free dating website. Stop. Okay. I know there is a lot of ~omg stigma~ around online dating. Let me assure you of a few things: I am not a crazed shut-in. I am moderately attractive, fairly healthy and a generally decent person. So why internet dating? Isn’t that for creepers who think that “hey baby let me at dat pussy” is an appropriate way to introduce yourself? Isn’t it all sweaty nerds and murderers? I’m not going to lie to you; those people do exist.

They exist everywhere, and so naturally, yes, some of them exist on OKCupid and other such sites. But the internet is huge now! It’s not all 4chan, you know?

finalient us in a world that is often unkind.

Before I continue, here’s a basic rundown of how OKCupid works. When viewing someone else’s profile, you are shown three scores: Match per cent, Friend per cent and Enemy per cent. The match algorithms compute these scores based on your answers to a series of inane (and sometimes hilarious) questions; essentially, you answer a question, choose which answers are acceptable in others, and then rate the importance of the question. For instance, for the question “Which is bigger: the Earth or the sun?”, I answered the obvious and marked it as mandatory to have answered similarly.

Does this make me an elitist? If I were a worse person, I could have marked “the Earth” as the only acceptable answer, set it as mandatory and taken advantage of all the dumb hotties coming up with high match scores. I did not do this. Golden points for me.

I’m unsure how much stock I place in OKC’s match algorithms; at best I think it’s a decent broad indicator of compatibility. If I have a match percentage of greater than 80 per cent with someone, I figure they’re probably worth getting to know better. At worst, I am judging a series of strangers by what a computer tells me to think of them.

Is that why we’re still so weird about online dating? Because it comes down to relying on computers to tell humans how to get it on? Well, that, and we’ve still got some (valid!) concerns about internet safety and privacy. It’s really awkward when you find profiles of people you already know. (And then hit on them.

Without realising—until they mention it—that they are in your tutorial for that class you never go to. Oops.) Let’s be real, though; dating is always going to be a little bit awkward. That’s just what happens when you try to put your mouth on another person’s mouth. I don’t think that internet dating is deserving of all the stigma it gets. Sure, OKC has shown me some bizarre moments. I went on a date with a girl who once coughed up a spider. I accidentally applied for a job where a woman I was hitting on would have ended up being my boss. I’ve found tutors’ profiles. I talked to a 16 year old (her username had the phrase ‘CuddleMuffinz’ in it, and she answered the question ‘What do you spend a lot of time thinking about?’ with ‘suicide :/’ so I wasn’t really surprised). I’ve laughed at people like cuteygurl, babybutt_sxc and sexyassgurl09. Despite all of the embarrassing/ hilarious moments, I have also met some really lovely, surprisingly sane people who I wouldn’t have otherwise! I’m pretty thankful for that.

“...dating is always going to be a little bit awkward.

That’s just what happens when you try to put your mouth on another person’s mouth.”

My verdict on internet dating: ultimately, worth it. So stop being so weird about it! Even if you don’t meet someone you want to bone/marry, you’ll have some hilarious times. And you can use those stories to impress hotties.

I guess I should mention that my dating experience is probably a little different from the norm for a few reasons! When I signed up to OKCupid, it was out of a mixture of boredom, curiosity and—I’ll be honest—the desire to touch some boobs. As far as I can tell, that’s fairly standard. My profile says that I am a gay lady.

This is not quite true; I am genderqueer and not strictly into women but OKC does not code to support these complexities.

Regardless, it appears (from anecdotal evidence; super scientific, I know) that my time on OKC has been less creepy than it would have been if I were a straight lady. I have a friend who, over a period of a few hours, received 12 (not a typo) voicemails from a guy she had coffee with once. Online dating seems to have less of a stigma in the queer community. Creepy straight dudes may be part of the reason for this. I imagine that there’s more to it than that, though: firstly, there are just fewer of us queers, and sometimes we are hard to find. Secondly, being queer, we already go against many of society’s expectations of relationships and dating. Thirdly, gay people love the internet. It helps us connect with people similar to

OKC How-To G o to w w w. ok cupi d. com

Take a breath. Is this what you want? If you are easily embarrassed and have cruel, internet savvy friends, you may be making a bad choice.

Look around your dark room (and heart). Examine your life.

Create an account.

Fill out your profile. The less you write, the more coy and ~hot~ you will appear.

— 29 —

Upload a picture of yourself.

Extra points if you show off your pecs/boobs/crazy eyes.

Answer questions. Dictate what is acceptable in others. Become ruler of your desires. a). Message cuties. Go on dates with cuties. Fall in love with cuties. Delete account. or b). Give up all hope. Become a sociopath. Troll other users forever/until you get banned.

finalient

THE CITY Matt White

Come the morning You don’t want to be near the city It is the scene of a whore’s transaction She’s bow legged and ugly if you see her in the morning Our city, our mother Staggers in the morning Sons and daughters please Sleep as she closes the door on another night.

ARCTICA Russ Kale

There is nothing under the snow.

That’s what you told me.

That’s what it feels like here, In this liquid paper landscape.

Like everything has been deleted for our arrival.

Hovering, suspended In the silence That always falls with snow.

We are both poets in different ways But what can we do When words sap our body heat?

Words could make the cold bleach our bones Form icicles on our tongues.

The trees are heavy with winter coats.

You had reached the edge of your page Only to find a whole book remaining.

Shush.

Hear the last flakes fall.

Eternal cold snaps cover your tracks.

— 30 —

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i am such a fuck

WHEREIN I PROVE MYSELF TO MYSELF Chris McIntyre

Envision your humble correspondent, trapped in the rocks of his own inadequacies. Small rocks, broken into piecemeal amalgams (time had forced its cruel hand—a test of patience, to say the least) though no less constricting than concrete. It was time. I was to free myself, to embark on a journey of self-discovery, designed to prove myself to an audience of one.

— 31 —

finalient Status quo: I’ve been in a hole; let me fill you in.

I escaped; birthed anew. But what is new life, if not another blip in the passage of emptiness?

What is it to arrive, but to take a step closer to another departure?

Where does it begin? To prove myself I had to solve these mysteries; defeat the paradoxical muse so long the bane of your humble philosopher, untrained and uneducated in all but his own thoughts. I had embarked on a journey to the very origins of being, existential essence, the here and the now and the always and everything in between. Desperately I searched for the alpha, the beginning, the champion of the creator-created discourse.

The chicken or the egg? Wherein I pursue the beginnings of life and settle upon the egg.

Alas: of all people, I should know: ingredients maketh not the meal nor the man. I have bones and skin and a heart which beats, but to what does this translate? Duly do I savage the palette of the world, with no more grace than that oesophagealist egg, traversing a descent not dissimilar to my own.

I hoped. Hope is the search for the street light’s flitting eye, gazing through the curtains that blow in the soft zephyrs of night time intuition. To speak of hope is to eulogise; to lament the death of that which was never really there in the first place. As the new day dawned the sun rose again, as it had on every other day that I had been present to witness. The stoic repetition, the calculated dependability, the blazing self-assuredness; it was all chapters of the same book. How could I write my own passage, pen the narrative of change which had thus far eluded me? How would I dull the embers of resentment, put out the fires of self-doubt?

Homeopathy will save us; wherein I attempt to drink a waterfall dry to dilute the demons.

I had become bloated in ennui. I had paraphrased my very being, diluting the essence of everything I have ever hoped to be; through pursuing impossible homeopathy, the cheap mimicry of my elusive ‘self ’. The science of millionths had failed me. If only I could deflect this self-imposed agenda of destabilisation, my very own motion of no confidence moved and seconded in meus sponte. I was already 70 per cent water, had that not been enough? It was then I realised; this saturation had been the problem. I had to become the duck's back to the waters of my own self-doubt.

‘Tis the season; wherein I pursue a duck to learn its ways, and become the duck Was I peaking too soon? To those ends, my cynicism became my folly: with thick black paint I decorated my fragile canvas, that curious subset of the id which feigned optimism without invitation nor merit. If you look at the darkness in the eyes of a sparrow, it may serve to remind you that the pupil is just a hole; the absence of light—a window not to the soul, but to nothing. But I digress; perhaps my eyes would be so dark, were I to exist in a tree. To know the mind of a sparrow was the clear way forward.

— 32 —

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Wherein I shed the fabrics of my disillusionment and embrace my inner avian.

The sparrows flew, startled starlings. I cried into the air, my utterances more hollow than whatever it was that had so briefly masqueraded as my hopes. The flutter of feathers blanketed my psyche, a thin duvet of consolation which did nothing to soothe the fretful slumber of doubt that followed that eve. I arose, unrested, from a dream which hadn’t quite died yet.

The next day I sat tenderly reconciling my feelings, content with insouciance. It was only through absolving myself of my own guilt that I found valiance. In my valiance, I found courage; in my courage, solace; in my solace, an overwhelmingly bright and open sky; a sky of opportunity bounded only by the horizons of my inhibitions. In that moment I looked truth in the eye, I knew what it was which was calling me. The brightness beckoned.

The ultimate Blue Zone: wherein I attempt to summit the Rankine Brown library and touch the sky.

“There is no door whose lock can be forced by valour alone,” I consoled myself. I will continue.

The light shone through my curtains, dancing across my face, teasing my lips with its kiss. It wrote the song of the lost across my wall, the autobiography of the forgotten, an ode to a life I hadn’t occupied since my shining youth.

I realised the calling, the yearning, the otherhalfness that I could nearly touch. I had to go towards the light.

— 33 —

The final cliche; wherein I hastily conclude by ‘going towards the light’

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End

REFLECTIONS OF A ONCE-UPON-A-TIME FRESHER Tom McDiarmid As university draws to a close, as it is inclined to do, you may find yourself in the same position I find myself in now. It’s a position I know well; staring down the barrel of a gun. This has been my last year as an undergrad. They tell me it’s all about to pay off, that I’m about to get something that’s will make these last three years worth it. A degree. The pinnacle of education. I should be ecstatic.

“Fuck yeah,” I should be thinking, throwing a celebratory fistpump in the air with one hand while I high-five my brain with the other for getting me this far. Maybe I’ll jump in the air, cut to freeze-frame and slowly zoom out. Credits role accompanied by an upbeat pop song. Everyone keeps telling me that’s how I should feel, but the truth is not nearly so cheery.

of the

The truth is I’m afraid. The last eighteen consecutive years of my life have been spent in some form of educational institution or another. It might as well be my life’s work at this point and yet in a mere eight weeks that’s all about to end. The end of university marks not just the end of education but a total refocusing of my life. As far as change goes that’s not so much a new chapter as a completely new book, and to be honest I’m not convinced I want to read it.

Line

What we forget, being the noble scholars that we are, is that education is an essentially self-indulgent thing. We gobble up resources while producing absolutely nothing of value. Sure, you may write a revolutionary essay on Lando Calrissian as an ideal version of Machiavelli’s prince, but realistically two people are going to read that and one of them doesn’t really care about Star Wars. The point is that there is an entirely different set of rules and expectations for students, no one cares that you don’t contribute anything to society because there’s an expectation that you’ll make up for that when you finish getting educated. That’s what I’m facing now and that shit is terrifying. Society is relying on me to do something, to find some way of contributing, and I’m coming up blank.

But there is a deeper truth hiding behind my fear is one that may not be so immediately obvious. What I’m really afraid of is my own insecurities. I’m terrified that I won’t measure up to the standards that I’ve set for myself, or those that society has foisted upon me.

Nothing fills me with more dread. Failure then, that is what I fear.

It explains a lot. This year has not been the glowing finale that I imagined at the beginning of the year. On some level I probably want to fail, fail hard. That way I can keep doing what I’m doing. I don’t have to shed my familiar trappings and forge my own path, I can just do some more philosophy and watch another year roll by.

Plus I might see the quad finished, what a world that would be.

I guess at the end of day I should conclude with something poignant. So here’s my advice. It may seem vastly hypocritical but, don’t be afraid of new things, that is no way to live.

“Sure, you may write revolutionary essay on Lando Fear, at its heart, can do nothing but hold you back.

Calrissian as an ideal version of Machiavelli’s prince, We live in a world where those who muck in and but realistically two people are going to read that give it a go without hesitation succeed. And even and one of them doesn’t really care about Star Wars.” if you do fail, would that be so bad? The trick is to be comfortable enough with yourself that you can handle failure without publicly psychoanalyzing yourself in a student magazine. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a clichéd '90s movie ending to recreate.

A — 34 —

5 2 4

finalient

SU PP LI ES

RE T S

P ST AR TH HE A T E R Y

LS IA NT SE ES

ST RE ET W EA R

N BA UR

D AN ST RE

PA RT Y

E TH AUCK

WGTN

CHCH

DUN

WWW

97 CUBA ST / 04 801 6970 5 HIGH ST / 09 303 2949 CASHEL MALL / 03 943 4400 355 GEORGE ST / 03 479 2949 WWW.COSMICNZ.CO.NZ — 2949 35 — 179 CUBA ST / 04 894 6971 284 K ROAD / 09 379 2509 PALMS MALL / 03 385 FACEBOOK.COM/COSMICNZ 47 CUSTOMS ST / 09 914 4294 131 MANNERS ST / 04 801 6972 TWITTER.COM/COSMIC_NZ

10. University Library

finalient

VIV IAN ST

4. Central Park, Brooklyn

Sunday vege markets

ICT 5.VMovenpick O RIA ST

GHU ZNE E S T

City Gallery Memphis Belle

AY JERVOIS QU

5. Kaffee Eis

8. Paddle Boats

ST

CA BL E

PLA CE COU RTE NAY

CAM BRI DGE

LD IE EF K WA

ST

5. Tommy Millions

TOR Y S TRE ET

T LAMB

MA NN ER S

MAR ION ST

BOU LCO TT ST

S NER MAN

7. Night Markets

CUB A M ALL

TAR ANA KI STR EET

KEN T T CE

WIL LIS STR EET

11. Bucket Fountain

VIV IAN ST

SUS SEX

TOR Y S TRE ET

THE TER RAC E

DIX ON ST

CUB A S TRE ET

BUC KLE ST

ABE L S MIT H S T

9. Southern Cross

VIC TOR IA ST

RD CA N A AM SAL

Te Papa

TCE 6. Telecom Wishing Tree

2. Crocodile Bikes

Crack Den

Rollerblading on Oriental Parade

Mt Vic. Lookout

— 36 —

WIL LIS

SA LA MA NC A

finalient RD

Botans, trippy tree

MID-SUMMER MARAUDER'S MAP Molly McCarthy

RD EY L S WE ST TON BOL

TCE ORA AUR

Cable Car

With the summer months fast approaching, Salient has put together a handy guide for what to do with yourself during four months of sweet, sweet FREEDOM. 1. Yo’ Pro’ Park

QUAY TON LAMB

THE TERR ACE

2. Crocodile Bikes Sure the target market for these hire bikes might be 8-10 year olds, but we here at Salient believe you’re only as old as your designated mode of transport. Ride in style this summer in a charming Crocodile bike. Unless you’re over 6 foot, in which case your legs won’t fit inside the wagon.

1. Yo' Pro' Park

CUS TOM HOU SE

ST

AY QU

FEA THE RST ON

N TO MB LA

WIL LIS STR EET

5. Kaffee Eis

A recent or soon-to-be graduate of the Pipitea Campus? Then you are sure to be found with an Astoria coffee in hand, getting down and dirty at Midland Park with all the other young professionals. Didn’t get accepted for a summer clerkship? Just throw on a Crane Brothers suit and fake it ‘til you make it every lunch-break.

3. Oriental Bay, swimming When you live in Wellington you come to take “summer” with a pinch of salt. Faced with temperatures that never seem to exceed what is considered spring weather for the rest of the country, us Wellingtonians just have to make do. During the total of three days which are legitimately hot this summer, head to the city’s favourite artificial beach to show off your pasty fllesh.

Ferg's Kayaks & Rock Climbing

4. Central Park, Brooklyn On sunny summer days challenge your friends to flying fox races; on balmy summer nights go hunting for glow-worms! But beware: vagrants and used needles abound.

5. Kaffee Eis/Movenpick/Tommy Millions In the height of summer, Salient recommends a strict diet of at least one gelato per day.

6. Telecom Wishing Tree, Waitangi Park In the month leading up to Christmas the kind folks at Telecom erect a huge tree made entirely from fairy-lights here. Lie on the bean bags underneath and admire the pyschedelic lightshow. Great destination if you’re tripping balls, or just need to phone Santa to make a wish for World Peace, a significant other, and your two front teeth.

7. Night Markets Although these international Friday night food markets are open year round, we can only imagine they’re even more pleasant when the nights are warm.

Live entertainment early in the evening, with a soundtrack featuring a disproportionate amount of Robbie Williams on repeat after.

8. Paddle Boats

3. Oriental Bay, swimming

One swallow does not a summer make, but a jaunt in one of these bad boys will certainly make your summer. A great site for a date with your summer fling, and a sweet work out for those thighs while you’re at it.

9. Southern Cross Garden Bar Recently voted in the Top 5 Garden Bars in the world by UK newspaper Metro, head to this oasis to sink a few brewskis on a hot summer’s day.

10. University Library For those of you enrolled in summer school or just eager to get a head-start on study for 2013, this will be your home away from home over summer. LOL JK, who are we kidding?!

11. Bucket Fountain Your skinny jeans and buttoned-up shirt proving too hot for summer on Cuba St? Head here for a refreshing splash every 5-10 minutes.

— 37 —

finalient

You catch herpes (at last).

Through the Looking Glass Haters continue to hate.

Sally Ridge (still) desperate.

Jason Kerrison sells ark after apocalyptic disappointment.

The North wins Korean war.

Alcohol reform discussed.

Cigarette advertising becomes legal again.

Conflict in the Middle East.

We Are the University becomes a university.

B. Hussein Obama institutes Shari’a law in the United States.

iPhone 6 thicker than iPhone 5.

Germany privatises Greece.

VUWSA restyles itself as Rebel Alliance—McCourt auditions for Luke; cast as C3-PO.

Hipster wins high jump; over it.

Internet porn-free.

Winston Peters cuts down to 30-a-day.

Mayans replace calendar.

Kim Dotcom first martyr of revolution.

World adjusts to apocalypse.

Zed, Tru Bliss, 48 May, Goodnight Nurse, Fast Crew, Atlas and Stereogram form supergroup.

A SELECTION OF EVENTS WHICH ARE DEAD-CERTAIN TO OCCUR IN THE TWO-THOUSAND AND THIRTEENTH YEAR OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST (AMEN).

— 38 —

finalient

Breathing The First Mate found that he couldn’t answer.

“I have somewhere you can go. But I want you to know that in going nothing will change.”

“Where--” “Nothing will change in that everything will change. But everything changes. Every second everything around you. None of it is to do with me or with you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Uther Dean

“That’s smart. I am very probably lying. All these men will drown with or without you. They would have drowned whether you chose this boat or not.”

Imagine a photo out of focus, imagine the man chasing you in a dream always just behind you always just out of sight, a presence more than a person, imagine those things and you imagine the captain, living just out of the corner of your eye.

“I can still change that.”

“No you can’t. Don’t you listen?”

“Where can I go?”

“Where are we going?” The First Mate Asked.

“The hold.”

The Captain didn’t reply.

“When will we arrive?”

Nothing.

“Is there anywhere I could get off?”

“Can you swim?”

“Yes.” Lied the First Mate.

“We are on our way. We will arrive.”

“I am here. I am on this boat. That means it won’t arrive.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“What’s in the hold?”

"All these men will drown with or without you. They would have drowned whether you chose this boat or not."

“Somewhere to go.”

And so the First Mate left the Captain’s Office. The door shut behind him without his help just as the vault like door to the hold opened in his presence. He stepped in.

Contained within the hold was the whole world.

The First Mate stood on a ledge overlooking 7 billion people going about their lives far underneath him. He saw cities and towns and houses and schools and businesses and everything.

The First Mate tried to explain his situation. His history butsoon he knew that none of this was new information to the Captain.

All in boxes, containers. The whole world packed up so secure it didn’t even notice. He

“Why do you think I allowed you aboard? I chose you.You are still stuck with the idea that what happens around you happens because of you.You still think you are an agent in your life. We do not live life. Life lives us.”

could even see the boat he was currently on. He could see his house with what used to be his family. A few of the containers had spilled in the turbulent seas and so the little pockets of the world were littered with other places and other times.

“Yes.”

He felt the door shut behind him and behind that door he heard the boat on which he’d taken his final voyage fade away.

“Then why do you think that your presence here will determine the fates of all these men.”

And then. Suddenly. He was falling. Falling towards the world.

Even though in his ears he could still hear the creaking of that ship.

“Because it’s happened so many times before.”

“Has it?”

— 39 —

The Running of the Bulls Todd Atticus Red is the colour of roses and rage. It is the banality of ketchup; the tedium of traffic lights; the cheap facades of dairies in bed with the devil. It is the colour of the handkerchief I tie around my neck on Friday nights.

I prepare a pot of coffee and take a shower while it brews on the stove. After dressing, I pour a cup and climb onto the roof, scaling the fire escape just outside the window. I walk along the tiles and find my perch among their weathered grime, facing the city. I light a cigarette, inhale deeply and wait.

I track the failing daylight. I attempt to perceive the gradient shift of each passing minute. It is has a calming effect but I find it hard to concentrate for long.

Distractions bubble up from the street below like geysers. A woman laughs suddenly, a machine gun; her bleats bleed into a stuttered exclamation “No wa-aaa-ay!” A car drives past; its stereo gores the air. Vocals thrown backwards as it tears around the corner, “upon this tidal wave of young blood young blood young blood.”

The distant darkening silhouettes of offices and flats frame an invitation: Share a Coke with… Matt. I try to imagine a city without advertisements but can’t. I try to imagine a world without cities. Sally, Will, Paula, Charlie, Sarah, Kate, Dave, Mark.

I light a candle and use that to light another cigarette. The flame blusters and whinnies for a few seconds, shivering in the cold evening air. I close my eyes and imagine the heat of Pamplona nights, picture the moment when the source of the heat reverses— from the sun to the ground beneath your feet.

There, the preparations begin at dawn. The roads are cleared and the buildings fortified. Shop windows are boarded up, ambulances parked among the revellers on side streets. Even the dust on the ground seems weighted, tied down. For seven days every summer, the small Spanish town parades its passion, buoyed by the power of symbolism and a sense of its roots.

I’ve propped a photo frame up against the Sky dish and fastened it there with a shoelace. I focus on the figure in the frame, Saint Fermin, and deliver him a whispered prayer. His head is dark against a circle of white. I touch the scar to the right of my abdomen, trace its smooth raised track upwards and allow myself to fill with the familiar fear. I bow my head and ask the Saint for protection.

It is getting late now and the neglected final glug of coffee has long been cold at the bottom of the cup. I remain alert for the signals from the city. A concrete clock ticking in tides. The supermarket queues have been, an hour of frenzy that decimates the bottom-shelf Basket Deals—single bottles carried off in brown paper—the BYO hour. Others have witnessed the full time whistles of the pitch and are sunk into their third or fourth rounds in the bars.

And then I hear it, splitting the air: the first siren of the evening. It pulses distress. The noise rips through the channels of buildings and grips me momentarily to the roof tiles. Emergency! Emergency! The gates are open! The Bulls are out of the corral!

— 40 —

I descend back into my flat. I swill the coffee from my cup with hot water and scrub the pot, the last sediments rich and tar like, bonding to the metal like rust. I make for the front door before my nerves overcome me.

The runner aims to keep abreast of the bulls for as long as they can. I have heard tales from those who have felt the heat of a bull’s breath on the backs of their necks. They report a moment of clarity amongst the washing machine panic of the fleeing crowd of participants.

I approach Courtenay Place at a jog. The sounds of panic and commotion carry on the thin night air. I try to distil the noise into parts. Screams, grunts, the whine of alarms, smashing glass, car horns—all set to a syncopated beat of chart toppers. I cover the last hundred metres of Cambridge Terrace at a sprint and as I swing round the corner I bump into a man leaving the Craftsman pub.

My breath catches awkwardly in-between the syllables of my apology, but the man—a frail guy in his seventies—just looks at me with a withering glare. The intensity of his disapproval forces me to turn and I start to run again.

I can hear screams ringing in my ears and ANZ but when I look around, I only see people laughing Chicken Nuggets. There! A woman is jumping up and down, gesticulating wildly. And over there! Two guys are high-fiving, their other hands pumping in triumphant fists.

I make for a gap in the traffic and a driver breaks abruptly. The driver slams her fist on the steering wheel and the horn fires a long unbroken expletive. The car behind does the same and almost instantly there is a symphony of horns up and down the street. Apply for an interest-free loan today.

A man is pissing in a narrow alley between two restaurants. Passing partygoers tread in the urine, I hear their wet shoes slap along the tarmac.

I run faster, pushing people out of my way. No-one else tastes my fear and this becomes scarier than the approaching stampede. I shout warnings and give people meaningful looks as I shove past them, my sweaty brow furrowed and loaded with concern. Fresh or toasted? One guy raises his hand after I elbow him in the stomach, he yells “Oi! Fuck! Watch it!” and I yell back “No, YOU watch it... buddy!”

The guy lunges at me but misses, knocking a woman onto the bonnet of a nearby parked car. He’s all rolled-up-shirt-sleeves and red in the face. A chair is thrown, a window smashed. I turn my head and see a girl, barely sixteen, vomit over a cashpoint.

The liquid splashes back at her, staining her dress with a liquid QR code.

People are jumping out of our path now, jeering. I can hear the guy’s pounding footsteps, hear him yelling obscenities. I try to shout at him but words clog in my throat. GreatCoketastezerosugar, Hash tag doggerel. My mouth approximates an apology but as we flash past another bar, I accidentally kick a man and my gaping lips sync we found love in a hopeless place.

I grab at a green wheelie bin parked at the curb and fumble at the handle as I pass. I manage to pull it over and for a split-second this is a movie, detonating empty glass bottles on the concrete.

But I trip on one of them and fall to the ground. We’re changing the face of banking but not the faces in your branch. A lone shoe with stiletto heel lies in the gutter, toes stuffed into an empty Burger King chip packet. I feel hot breath on the back of my neck and turn over to see a pair of horns and then black.

— 41 —

finalient

All My Boyfriends Are Gay EVERY SHE-DOLPHIN IS LOOKING FOR A PORPOISE. Isabella Whitfield

Michael, tall, good-looking, 11 years old: We were so close. We spent every Friday night on the phone with each other for hours, just watching shows together.

In year eight, there was an end of year dance which we went to together. I wore a pink frilly dress with white heeled sandals and my hair done up in a bun with curly strands coming down.

We obviously ‘liked’ each other, in a shy way. But alas my mother decided to move us away shortly after the dance. We stopped talking as much.

A few months after the move, I was messaging him on MSN and he told me he had a girlfriend. I was hurt. Why had he never asked me to be his girlfriend? Why did this other girl get to be his girlfriend? Imagine me as a thirteen year old looking out the window into the harbour with Simple Plan playing in the background.

he sheepishly answered, I asked if he was gay. He said yes and I laughed at him for being so scared to tell me. I was the first person he told.

My run-in with gay guys in denial became a regular occurrence.

Here are some other less sweet stories from my teen years:

“His other hobbies included getting girls pregnant, stealing cars and committing cheque fraud.”

Congratulations! You get an insight into to my failings with men.

Before I share my tales, I want to inform you that throughout high school I was liked by many dudes. Most of my friends have been guys: nerdy, sensitive, funny and awkward guys (they are my jam). So statistically, it is not that odd for a number of these ‘dudes’ who like me to turn out to be gay later. Now I hear you say, УISABELLA TURNS GUYS GAYФ. Well, as in most other instances, science has my back.You can’t turn people gay. Lady Gaga and every other intelligent soul knows that they are born that way. That’s science, bitches.

Now let us take a trip (AND FALL) down memory lane.

Robert, short, needy, trouble, 18 years old: He was my on/off boyfriend who cheated on me a lot (once with a lesbian, props to him I guess), once with a dude friend who I had been making out with (I was fifteen, okay, I’m just so complicated).

Robert denied such festivities. His other hobbies included getting girls pregnant, stealing cars and committing cheque fraud. He was a keeper.

Declan, awkward, cringe inducing, 17 years old: He liked me and ‘everyone’ told me to go out with him. I wasn’t ‘keen’. A few uncomfortable weeks of pursuing me later—which included him inviting me and a few mutual friends over where he repeatedly suggested we play strip poker (then he started playing by himself and we all left)—he came out as gay. I then had to deal with people at my school claiming that УISABELLA TURNS GUYS GAYФ.

People’s journey to self-discovery can be both a beautiful and horrific thing to be involved in. Some people are incredibly messed up, others just need some support. These occurrences were in my past and now I look back on them with a lukewarm fondness.

My life in the present is so great. I just met a new guy and it is going really well, tonight we are going to S & M’s to drink cosmos with some of his male friends. Fingers crossed!

He called me one day and asked if I knew the TV show ‘Kiwifruit’ (which is about the gay community in NZ). He mumbled that he was like that show and hung up. I called him back a few times until

— 42 —

342 Tinakori Road, Thorndon. Tel: 044991390

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE IN A RECESSION, DOESN'T MEAN YOU , CAN T LIVE LIKE ROYALTY.

At the Sprig & Fern we serve delicious craft beer in proper imperial pints (568ml) - that's up to 153ml more then what you get in town!

Also, we don't have any t.vs or pokies (because we still believe in the art of conversation) and we allow b.y.o food.

REAL BEER . REAL PINTS . REAL PUB

finalient

Mohammed and Mecca, Hijabs and Halal INSIGHTS INTO ISLAM ON CAMPUS Emily Watson

Sitting there in Memorial Theatre, surrounded by neatly-dressed young men and women sporting silky hijabs in a variety of summery colours, I suddenly became conscious of my rather-too-short Glassons skirt and slightly revealing top. I smiled shyly at the women beside me—Fatimah on the left, Maria on the right—both Muslim women of Malaysian descent now studying at Victoria. They smiled back broadly. Sure, I might have been underdressed, but they weren’t going to judge, they were only too happy that I had decided to come to this speaker event organised as part of Islamic Awareness Week. It was a chance for them to share their faith and for me to gain an understanding of one of the world’s greatest religions.

There are said to be 124,000 prophets in the Islamic faith, of which just 25 are known by name. Examples include Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Mohammed, with Mohammed being the last in the long chain. Muslims regard Jesus with the same reverence that they would any prophet: he is a link to the divine, an example of how to live as a truly beautiful human, however he is not—as Christians believe—the Son of God. Mohammed is similarly no Son of God, but rather, the final “seal of the prophets,” as Yusuf Islam—formerly pop singer/songwriter Cat Stevens—described him. When a Muslim mentions a prophet, he or she is best to say: alayhi salam (‘peace be upon him.’) In the same way, a Muslim says bismillah (‘in the name of Allah’) to praise God before eating or participating in other activities.

At one point during the talk, there was a sudden chanting in Arabic and one of the speakers pounced on his iPhone. It was the (digitised!) call to prayer. I froze, expecting most people in the room to jump to the floor and start frantically worshipping.Yet nothing happened and everyone seemed strangely relaxed. Fatimah and Maria explained that yes, they must pray five times a day, but rather than pray at an exact time, they must pray between certain times, with these time periods depending on the location and season. For example, on the day of writing, the time period for the fajr (dawn prayer) in Wellington is 5:21 to 6:44am. How does a Muslim know how to align to the Qibla? If they are praying in the same place they may have some form of marker, (for example, the prayer mat in the Islamic

— 44 —

finalient TERMS & TENETS Allah: The one and only God who created everything and is just and merciful.

Mohammed: Allah’s last prophet; he conquered Mecca in 630 AD and established the principles of Islam across the Arabic World.

Qur’an: The holy text of Islam, believed to be the word of Allah as dictated to Mohammed.

Centre on Fairlie Terrace is angled toward Mecca), or they may use a compass or Qiblalocator.com. It’s even possible to download a “Qibla Compass” onto your iPhone!

Five Pillars of Islam: Following the Shahadah (affirmation of faith), praying five times each day, fasting during the holy month of Ramadan, giving charity and— if possible—making at least one pilgrimage to Mecca.

A few weeks ago I got talking a fellow student before my International Relations lecture. I asked her what the day’s lecture was on. “Oh, terrorism,” she replied, blushing. “It’ll be a bit awkward for me,” she continued, indicating her hijab, “but oh well.” I found it a sad reflection on society that any Muslim woman should resignedly assume that a New Zealander would Mecca: The holiest city of immediately associate terrorism with Muslims. Although New Islam, situated in Saudi Arabia Zealand is one of the most Muslim friendly countries in the world (yay us!), we are still given an uninformed representation of Muslims through the media and we may create an imagined link. With a population of just 45,000 Muslims in New Zealand, the majority of us will not encounter Muslims on a day-to-day basis. They’re not necessarily our work colleagues, they’re probably not our closest friends, yet many evenings as we watch the TV news, we hear about ‘Muslims’ committing ‘acts of terrorism.’

Unfortunately, although there is no denying the pain caused by any form of violence, such acts of terrorism by Muslims may be spotlighted when horrific crimes committed by others—such as the atrocities committed by the US in its so-called ‘War On Terror’—pass by unnoticed. Moreover, what is most unfair is how people may connect terrorism immediately with Islam, “Muslims regard Jesus with the thereby denouncing the principles of an entire religion and same reverence that they would condemning the practices of some 1.8 billion people around any prophet: he is a link to the the globe. divine, an example of how to live as a truly beautiful human, The Qur’an in fact preaches peace and the word Islam (literally: however he is not—as Christians ‘submission’, or committing oneself to God) derives from believe—the Son of God.” shalam meaning ‘peace.’ The concept of jihad; a ‘struggle against oppression’, does not condone violence; rather, it acknowledges that force can be used as a last resort to overcome persecution. At all times, the ends and means of jihad must be justified. Murder is a criminal act against fellow humans and against Allah. In the words of Muhammad Ali, the great American boxer who converted to Islam, “I think that all the people should come to recognise the truth that Islam is peace, against killing and murder; and the terrorists and people doing that in the name of Islam are wrong.”

One of the most pervasive criticisms of Islam by the Western world is that it actively seeks to oppress women. What better symbol of such oppression than the hijab? Surrounded as I was by dozens of women uncomplainingly displaying their colourful headscarves, I was interested to know how they viewed this clothing requirement.

“The hijab symbolises the link between a woman and Allah,” one speaker explained. Far from being viewed as inferior, she argued, a Muslim woman feels more respected once she covers her head.

What’s more, the hijab is “a great equaliser in terms of age and beauty. Women are valued for their kindness and intelligence, rather than for their physical attributes.” It makes no sense to claim that women are less valued than men, for “in the eyes of Allah, men and women are equal.” There is no denying that the sexes have different psychological and physical strengths which suit them to different roles in society, however, a man and a woman together complete each other. Respect for women is evident in how a married woman retains her name upon marriage, rather than taking on

and containing the Kaaba; the sacred shrine which Muslims turn towards, at an angle called the Qibla, when praying.

Hijab: The headscarf worn by Muslim women.

Halal Food: Food that is acceptable to consume. Meat must come from animals that have been slaughtered in accordance with Sharia Law. Muslims are prohibited from consuming, among other things, pork and alcohol.

Sunni and Shiah: The two main branches of Islam; with Sunni Muslims making up 8090 per cent of all Muslims, and Shi’ites the remaining 10-20 per cent

her husband’s, as in the Western tradition. “If ever women are oppressed,” the speaker pointed out, “this is due to culture and people misinterpreting the Qur’an. It is not what Allah would want.” I admired Maria’s pretty green hijab with its embroidered flowers. It wasn’t something that I would choose to wear, but she wore it with pride. Maria saw me looking. “You can come and try one on if you like,” she offered, “tomorrow at the Islamic Centre, it’ll be fun!”

I went along to the speaker event knowing only a few scant details about Islam—some vague ideas of Mohammed and Mecca, hijabs and halal. Like many other students, I suspect, I was curious to know more—I’d just never acted on this curiosity.Yet in the space of just a few hours I learnt a great deal about the Islamic faith and its practices, knowledge which I feel is important to share so that we may gain a better understanding of this great world religion.

— 45 —

finalient

A Private Protest FEE-RISES THROUGH THE LENS OF EROTIC FICTION Paulsforth Cox The Council meeting had been a disaster.

Despite all the security, the larrikins of We Are the University had leapt to their feet as the fee increase had been announced, cried out, and flung a fusillade of fetid fruits at the unprepared council members. Chaos descended as Campus Security restrained the protesters and the Councillors beat a hasty exit, their expensive suits besmirched with the blood red juices of the tossed tomatoes.

Sigh. There was nothing that could be done now.

The rats of Salient would feast on the corpse of this story.Yet, at least the fee increase issue could be put to bed for another year. All that could be done now was an attempt, perhaps futile, to save his suit. He headed to the bathrooms.

The suit was in a terrible state, but he still managed to make some progress at dabbing off the worst of it. Those goddam louts: if they put half as much effort into passing their Media Studies papers as they put into...

He froze. The bathroom door had opened and there, standing behind him, just beyond the threshold to the bathroom, was the ring leader himself.

“Professor...”

“You...”

They both started, and then trailed off, an

awkward tension building between them.

Someone had to break the silence.

“You don't have to act like children, you know. It doesn’t help your cause.”

The protester’s face twisted in disgust. “If it’s the only way to make you listen, then we have to do it.Your University is fucking the life out of its student population and you don’t seem to care!”

This fury pushed the Professor back, but also stoked the fire that burnt within him. “Care?

Of course I care! Do you have any idea how expensive a University is to run? Do you have any idea how much sleep I lose worrying about how I’ll keep courses open, staff hired and students happy? Do you have any idea how many tears I’ve shed with every cut back, every redundancy? You say that You Are The University, but do you feel its pain, feel the crushing pressure of Government neglect? You might be the university, but I am the one who has to keep it alive!”

moved. The protester looked shattered, his lips quivering in confusion, his eyes wavering as he processed this unexpected outburst.

“Professor, I had no idea. All this time, I had thought you a monster, but now I see you really care. I... I...” He trailed off, trembling as he began to dab at the stains on the Professor’s torso. The touch was delicate, almost intimate, and their eye contact was unbroken.

“Stop that...”.The Professor grabbed the Protester’s wrist, feeling the warmth, the pulse of this young man’s vitality. Those brown eyes.

Those quivering lips.

It was if by magic that they both knew what had to be done. The distance was crossed, and their lips locked. Forbidden love on the battlefield.

For one moment at least, they both were the University.

As his voice had risen, and his anger had spilled forth, he had found himself stepping closer and closer to the protestor. Now their bodies were inches apart. He could feel the warmth “He could smell his unwashed from his adversary’s body. He could smell his body. He could look into his eyes, unwashed body. He could look into his eyes, those brown, bright eyes...” those bright, brown eyes...

The moment stretched onward, and no one

— 46 —

finalient

FR AG MEN TARY Explores the disruption of routine for the family unit in the wake of the Christchurch earthquakes, whilst contrasting this with photographs of wellington’s urban identity and places of disrepair being condemned with the notorious earthquake prone sign.

Zoe Platt-Young

— 47 —

in review

music

GOODBYE TEENAGE ANGST! PHILIP MCSWEENEY

Blink 182

Off Minor

Blink 182

The Heat Death of the Universe

The adage goes that there comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to grow up.

But if anyone was to ever buck this trend, Tom Delonge, Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker seemed like the most likely candidates. This is the trio of cheerful recalcitrants, after all, who penned an ode to ‘fuck[ing] a dog in the ass’, whose live performances featured nudity and antics involving genitalia that would put mah boi James Deen to shame. And yet grow up they did, and in what a fashion. This is made obvious from the outset. Sex is no longer something to joke about but a precious union; demises of relationships are felt and felt hard; the production is less sloppy and more, for lack of a better word, mature. There’s a reading of a letter Hoppus’ Granddad wrote his Grandma from WWII for fuck’s sake. Let the fuck-load of fun it sounds like they’re having while performing the best output of their career serve as comfort. Becoming ‘adult’ doesn’t necessarily result in tedium y’all.

Contrary to popular belief, I do not just listen to Animal Collective and Radiohead awash in misguided perceptions of superior taste; in fact, I devote one hour a week to ‘healthily’ branching out. These excursions are usually utterly insufficient; The Heat Death of the Universe is a happy exception.

In all seriousness, for me this album was an entrance into the genre of Hardcore, and today it holds up as one of the genre’s greatest examples. Off Minor are a trio who have a knack for melding confrontational passages with sublime, jazz-tinged interludes.

The calibre of musicianship on this album is enough to make any jazz aficionado self-lubricate/tumesce. Oh, and the song title ‘Staring Down The Barrel of Limited Opportunities’ is sure to resonate with us BA students. Haha (Oh God).

— 48 —

Jenny Hval Viscera

I don’t think I’ve ever been as thrown by a lyric as I was with Jenny Hval’s beginning (and thus introductory) line: ‘“I arrived in town/ with an electric toothbrush/ pressed against my clitoris”. This is not typical singer-songwriter fare; sexuality is, more’s the pity, rarely treated with such brazen candour. Hval, however, lives to subvert expectations. She spends the course of the album exploring her notion of self, deconstructing her sexuality and her gender and attempting to reconcile it with what femininity is supposed to entail, how female sexuality is supposed to manifest. As such the record almost demands Feminist interpretation; more broadly, however, the album is about ‘finding yourself’ and coming to terms with inevitable disjoints between innate personality and societal expectation. Viscera is a rigorous self-examination in the midst of twenty-something confusion with gorgeous instrumentation attached. The result is fucking astounding.

in review

music

This column goes out to you soon-to-be-graduates, those of you leaving our hallowed halls at the end of the trimester. First and foremost: my sincerest congratulations! If you’re an English major like me, that means no more ‘in this essay I will elucidate’, the end of ‘for these reasons, x will be studied for some to come’, the close of ‘In conclusion’. That alone surely is worth celebrating.

Expect to be bombarded with platitudes couched in the guise of truisms. Some of them will be soppy and seemingly unrealistic.

Others will be bleak. Man of melancholic disposition that I am, I was originally going to lean towards the latter; how potentially difficult the adjustment period will be, the tedium of adult life etc. But, quite frankly, fuck that. If I could offer any advice (my credentials you ask?

I’VE ONLY WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF FRASIER EVER (actually maybe I’m the one who needs help)), in the form of the cliché, it

would be ‘the world is your oyster’. Chant it like a mantra. Apply it to a loofah and bathe yourself with it twice daily. The world is just as, if not more, open and ready for exploration as it was when you arrived here fresh-faced and as yet ungrizzled by academia. You’re winsome and witty and clever. Go and cause some mischief. Revel in life.

Think of these albums as faithful companions embarking on your adventures with you, tailor-made as they are for this particular stage of your life. Sympathetic ears when you’re down. When you’re up on the other hand, well; they’re the friends you get drunk with at parties who tell you that they love you and they’re glad and proud to know you, and you exchange a hug and everything feels good and suddenly you can do anything again.

Kanye West

The National

Animal Collective

Graduation

Alligator, Boxer, High Violet

Merriweather Post Pavilion

Imagine for a moment that you’re Kanye West circa 2007 (donning THOSE glasses and adopting a tone of braggadocio is encouraged). You’ve released two lavishly praised and commercially successful albums and you’ve achieved ‘household-name’ status.

The question is then: what next? Do you:

Full disclosure: the astute of you may have observed that there are three albums listed, so technically I’m cheating a bit here. Shhh.

But fear not, I won’t fuck you over—there is justification behind my madness (this time).

These three albums to my mind form a seamless and fluid trilogy, and each is as good as the other. All of them deal explicitly with adult life and the problems, the confusion, the feeling out-of-place, the occasional despondence. This can result in some pretty gloomy tunes (comparisons to Joy Division are deserved, albeit exaggerated), but paradoxically you’d be hard-pressed to find indie more exhilarating than this. This is in part courtesy of outrageously talented drummer Bryan Devendorf, but also the untapered grit and resilience tone. For every song that conveys the bands hopelessness, there’s a complimentary one that reveals them bounced back, obstinately refusing to give in. The music is cathartic, yes, but it’s also weirdly inspiring.

And if you remain unconvinced I recommend getting roaringly pissed and singing along to ‘Mr. November’ at pants-shittingly loud volume (I’M THE NEW BLUUUUEEEE BLOOD).

So. Here we are. Merriweather Post Fucking Pavilion. My fanboyism for all things Animal Collective already attested to (http://goo. gl/vq06H), let’s talk about the album. The freak-folkers pen loving dedications to adult responsibilities and roles. Panda Bear yearns for "four walls and adobe slabs" for his wife and child, absolute joy and contentment are found in ‘Daily Routine’(s), spontaneous midnight excursions ('Summertime Clothes'), performing cunnilingus on a long-time partner (‘Bluish’)(probably). The unrestrained bliss of the songs might seem a juxtaposition to the subject matter, the drudgery of adult routines and life. The point is that they aren’t, or that they needn’t be. The young don’t have a monopoly on happiness. You can and should go out and find fulfilment in the present at any age, rose-tinted moments of past ‘glory’ be damned. And if you need some help, there’s MPP to just lose yourself in—the euphoria, the life-affirming goodness, is infectious. TROOF.

A)Tragically

shuffle off the mortal coil in the wake of a cocaine overdose?

B)Drop out of music altogether, only to resurface years later as a bassist for the Hannah Montana live show?

C)Retreat to a small town, buy a bulldozer and use it to terrorize your fellow townspeople? Or D)Continue to release consistently excellent albums, starting with one entitled Graduation?

Fortunately for us, Kanye picked Option D. Though there was that small mishap with the late registration, and an unfortunate drop-out period, Kanye has graduated in triumphant fashion. The beats are bombastic and maximalist. The vocal content explores both darker times passed and celebrations of success attained; the latter emphasises the former poignantly. Here, Kanye is on top of the world; consider this album the golden ticket you need to join him.

Extra for Experts: The Dismemberment Plan— Emergency and I.

— 49 —

in review

FILM

2012 IN TECHNICOLOUR

Even with a few months left to run, 2012 has treated to a slew of quality films, and even more diabolically awful ones. Hollywood did its best to churn out the brashest, noisiest blockbusters possible, with films such as The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises peppering the big screen. However, not all the multiplex fare was so dire- for every generic action movie there was a Looper, Hugo or Tinker Tailor

Solider Spy. Meanwhile the International Film Festival provided us with such quality genre-pictures as Beasts of the Southern Wild, Cabin in the Woods and Holy Motors. So without further ado, here are the Salient Film team’s picks for the most interesting and disappointing films of 2012.

G e ral d Le e Interesting Unsurprisingly, many of this year’s most distinguished movies debuted at the Film Festival: Wes Anderson’s comedic gem Moonrise Kingdom, as well as Drew Goddard’s genre-bending Cabin in the Woods among others. Given the calibre of the aforementioned flicks, my choice for 2012’s most interesting film may seem unorthodox: Ridley Scott’s Prometheus. When it was released everybody cried foul over the hammy dialogue and crude characters, dismissing it as an exercise in hollow beauty.

People seemed to forget that the sumptuous visuals exist to serve Scott’s broader vision.

They develop a captivating contrast between the vastness of space and the insignificance of man; ideas which tie in perfectly with the film’s exploration of the meaning and

origins of human life. Sure, it hardly contains any revelatory insights, but it does manage to explore familiar themes in a way that is powerfully cinematic. Even though it is flawed, Prometheus deserves more than the scorn that has unjustly been heaped upon it.

Disappointing There hasn’t exactly been a shortage of highly-anticipated films that have disappointed this year. Both big-budget blockbusters The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises proved to be atrocious films that barely manage to entertain on an aesthetic level. However, one of the greatest disappointments remains French drama The Minister. Previews portrayed it as an intricate examination of how political life affects a man’s sense of self. Instead it

— 50 —

turned out to be a bizarre, overwrought piece of nonsense. The high-quality elements, particularly the impressive acting, become overwhelmed by inexplicably strange segments such as the eponymous minister audibly taking a dump. The greatest compliment that I can credit The Minister with is that it inspired me to write a rather randy letter describing nakedwoman-in-alligator’s-mouth porn.

in review

FILM Mic hae l Ku m ov e Interesting Moonrise Kingdom. I’d never seen a Wes Anderson film before, but after Moonrise Kingdom I think I’m going to end up as a devoted fan. The performances from the two young leads are stunning and the rich, textured screenplay features a myriad of engrossing relationships.

While being probably the cutest film I’ve ever seen—the plot concerns two neglected 12-year-olds running away to get married— Moonrise Kingdom is nevertheless underpinned by a thick vein of sadness and malaise.

Director Anderson creates a timeless utopian setting, and then fills it with an array of sad, miserable characters. The juxtaposition works

brilliantly and makes it a film that is touching in a way few others are.

Disappointing On The Road. Admittedly, it‘s ridiculous to expect that any film adaptation can match the mad, jazzy brilliance of Jack Kerouac’s prose, but even so, it’s impossible to avoid the conclusion that Walter Salles has failed in his attempt to successfully adapt this classic novel.

The film is very well made and features excellent performances from a cast including— gasp—Kristen Stewart, but fails to really capture the yearning, adventurous spirit of the novel. Parallels can be drawn with Fear

and Loathing in Las Vegas. In both cases, the film comes from a novel based on real events and noted for the style of the prose rather than the actual story. On The Road is another example of why this kind of novel can never be adapted well.

E ri k a We b b Interesting

Disappointing

A complex legal struggle in Iran provides the core of an unexpectedly brilliant and compelling film. A Separation takes us somewhere real and intricate, sometimes ugly and always convincing. It’s a rare opportunity to see into the day-to-day life of a country whose stories are usually so misconstrued by the time they reach us. The non-linear narrative plays with equivocation and misconception whilst carefully considering the perspectives of all involved to create unresolvable tension. With spirals of conflict between social classes, marriages and religious constraints, it’s uncomfortable to watch but impossible to look away from.

I thought the ‘Indie Drinking Game’ was best played with 500 Days of Summer, or Scott Pilgrim, but Moonrise Kingdom is even better.

See a cute girl with a fringe, a record player, or ‘vintage’ sepia tones? Drink. Maybe if Wes Anderson’s overly hyped masterpiece hadn’t appeared in the midst of self-obsessed hipster consumer culture it could have been less clichéd. So many things are good: every scene is picturesque and filled with dry, subtle Bill Murray driven humour. The characters are awkward and engaging, and it easily reaches Anderson’s typical Royal Tenenbaums levels of greatness. There’s nothing wrong with it

in itself, but if you consider it within context it’s another manufactured celebration of quirkiness: cute, privileged narcissism.

Adam G oodal l Interesting If I had been writing this piece two months ago, the movie I would have called my favourite and the most interesting would have been last year’s critical darling A Separation—a patient and searing critique of middle-class Iranian society that only got a limited release in May. However, the New Zealand International Film Festival yielded a typical array of quality work, among them a Brazilian film called Neighboring Sounds. A confidently-crafted, tonally audacious tale of a ramshackle private security team appearing in a Recife suburb to ply their trade, director Kleber Mendonca Filho uses that story as a jump-off point for an extensive investigation of a middle-class community defined by lies, passions and

perpetual insecurity. Mendonca Filho is an unconventional director—his off-kilter framing brings the local architecture to life in vibrant, unexpected ways—and his unique sensibilities make Neighboring Sounds this year’s most striking, most individual piece of cinema.

Disappointing I’ve strongly disliked a small number of films released this year—Tekken: Blood Vengeance; The King of Pigs; Resident Evil: Retribution; The Dark Knight Rises (ooh controversy)—but none have been as disappointing as Sion Sono’s Himizu. Miserable and histrionic about that misery, Himizu starts loud and keeps ramping up the volume. The lack of nuance to — 51 —

this aggressive ‘sins of our fathers’ treatise is only compounded by the unearned attempt at catharsis in the final minutes. It’s a total 180 on what made Sono’s messy, daring Love Exposure so intoxicating, and it’s a major letdown.

in review

THEATRE

Some Things I Learnt A bou t S t u dy i ng Th eat re at Vic J O N AT H O N P R I C E ( T H E AT R E E D I T O R )

I have just spent three years studying theatre at Victoria University of Wellington. I am one of many. There are people doing theatre to supplement teaching degrees, or business degrees, or law degrees; there are people developing their “people skills”; there are people doing it just because because they love it. I wish I was one of those people.

I belong to a small minority of idiots who believe theatre is their calling; for me, this has been a vocational study like any other.

The symptoms are crippling. I am reduced to an existentialist wreck, a walking parody of Hamlet, always questioning: Why? When?

How? Who’s fault is this? and perhaps most pertinently, should I have gone to Toi Whakaari?

For those of you asking similar questions, here’s

not just people acting on a stage. This is important.

4.

THEA101 will be an unfulfilling experience, particularly if you did drama at high school.

5.

It is very tricky to analyse theatre in a productive and insightful way. The most astute, articulate people can. Just.

6.

Because of this, theatre scholars make use of a broad range of critical tools, many of them very modern, and many of them dealing with such nasty things as post-structuralism and phenomenology. As such, over the course of a theatre degree you may develop an understanding of what criticism is (or should be) that far exceeds that of other arts students.

7.

If you don’t, you’ll still pass. Easily.

8.

You may be exposed to lecturers with an invested interest in teaching(!). Since the arrival of Dr James McKinnon last year, the VUW Theatre department is home to a pedagogy that seeks to fix or replace aspects of the current model of tertiary education which are broken. It is progressive, and it is slowly but surely instating itself across a number of papers.

This is a good, good thing.

S OME T H ING S I L EA R NT AB O U T S TU DYING T H EA T R E A T V ICT ORIA U NIVERS ITY

1.

You will not be taught how to act. There is no assignment that grades you on your acting ability.

2.

The above fact will cause problems in practical papers. Students are very aware of what their performance should or could look like, and will become conscious that they lack the skills to do it. Similarly, lecturers trying to polish their productions will give acting advice to their students. If this isn’t kept in check, the true (gradable) learning objectives of the paper are forgotten.

3.

Still, you will be taught that theatre is

9.

People won’t believe you when you say McKinnon’s model is the best thing to happen to VUW since the IIML because you’re talking about theatre and that’s not a real subject.

10. The VUW Theatre department is part of a Wellington community that includes practicing artists. If you get the opportunity to work with/learn from them, take it.

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11. Theatre lecturers generally know how to use their voice properly and don’t need a microphone. The time saved by not fucking around with the sound-system is unbelievable.

12. Students of VUW Theatre and students of Toi Whakaari are either suspicious or dismissive of each other. This attitude is unhealthy, and has probably prevented a thousand fruitful collaborations.

13. This may be partly because there are no formal structures in place which encourage the cross-fertilization of knowledge between VUW Theatre and Toi Whakaari. (Staff, I’m looking at you).

14. You could come out of VUW Theatre knowing what you want to change about theatre today. This is nice.

15. You will need to work long and hard, and probably do further training, to make any of these changes happen.

16. A major in theatre requires fewer points than most other majors. Take this as a hint: study other things as well.

17. There are students studying theatre who don’t go and see theatre. Avoid them.

18. It is OK to go to drama school after completing a BA in theatre. In fact, it will probably help you a great deal.

19. You will meet people who share your passions. If these people become friends, it will be the best kind of friendship.

20. Theatre is more than a subject. Uni courses should not be the only theatre you do for three years.

in review

BOOKS

Sor ry Ray, But I J u s t D on’ t H ate eB o ok s .

K U R T B A R B E R ( B O O K S E D I TO R )

Last year Ray Bradbury said, “We have too many cellphones. We’ve got too many internets. We have got to get rid of those machines. We have too many machines now.”

He was completely right. I have a stream of unanswered emails dating back to April that attest to that. I get texted at work about what I’m doing when I get home and texted at home about what I’m doing at work. This time next year, most of those emails are still going to be unanswered. It’s almost impossible to keep up with all of it.

That’s not what Bradbury was talking about, though. Not specifically. He was discussing ebooks, a topic on which he has bluntly opposed throughout his life. He told Yahoo to “prick up your ears and go to hell” when they tried to publish Farenheit 451 as an ebook, and made the somewhat apocryphal statement that e-books “smell like burned fuel”.

Other authors are similarly dubious; Ursula K Le Guin is apparently against ebooks, worried that they’ll affect the publishing model, piracy of books and the control that companies like Amazon and Apple will get over content.

Maurice Sendak is more caustic, giving a characteristically profanity-riddled speech against them earlier this year: “Fuck them, is what I say. I hate those ebooks. They cannot be the the future. They may well be. I will be dead, I don’t give a shit.”

Well, this is the last issue, which means I get a free pass to rant to my heart’s desire. So, no:

ebook readers are awesome, and you should totally get one, no matter what Ray Bradbury might think. They’re expensive, but pay themselves off if you’re into reading enough to consider buying an ebook reader in the first place. Many have been designed with e-ink screens, which makes the screen look as close to a page as a screen can.

They have problems, of course, although possibly not the one that everyone brings up in every single conversation about ebooks ever, which is that books should be made from trees, stacked on shelves, and admired for their sheer gravity by visitors. This argument reeks of bollocks because no-one is making you choose—you really can own e-books and real books at the same time. In fact, it’s best to do so.

The only real downsides to ebook ownership is that due to the lack of a second-hand market, ebooks don’t go down in price over time the same way that paperbacks do. But for the convenience of having 1,500 books in your hand rather than having to piss everyone off by loading up a bag with half your library every time you go on holiday, it’s worth the extra money. So don’t listen to Ray Bradbury: they’re fantastic little devices, and if you’re the sort of person who reads the books section— attractive, prone to extreme bursts of intelligence and smelling faintly of cinnamon— then you’ll probably love them.

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TOP 5 BOOKS in 1o

WORDS or less

PHILIP McSWEENY

1. ROMEO AND JULIET LIKE IF U CRY ERRY TIM :'(

2. CRIME AND PUNISHMENT Guy in debt butchers debtor; hijinks ensue.

3. THE GREAT GATSBY Try hard and you will succeed.

4. ATLAS SHRUGGED *cheap shot about Ayn Rand taking government welfare in her twilight years.*

5. THE SECRET HISTORY A hilarious college-themed romp! (ft. murder and suicide.)

in review

VISUAL ARTS

CO M PA RIN G NOT E S Art is a fickle thing, and the ways in which a work can impact upon someone are many and disparate. This week as a farewell to the year’s Visual Arts program in Salient, Robert Kelly and Todd Atticus have provided a piece of commentary on one work. They have not

r o b k e lly

Billy Apple is a chameleon—not the title of a children’s picture book but a statement of fact.

For an artist who has made his name from not blending in, this might appear a damning indictment. In reality, all conceptual artists are chameleons. Unshackled as they are from the weight of strict personal aesthetics, they are free to pick and choose the most appropriate physical rendering for their ideas.

From the V.U.W. Art Collection is a perfect demonstration of Apple’s invisibility. Bold white text displays the painting’s title, punctuated only by gold full stops and dark green background. Compared with many artworks it is an incredibly perfunctory object. There is nothing in its physicality or composition that admits the artist’s presence.

Even the colours relinquish a discernible authorship, being but the colour set of Victoria University itself.

Like Apple, American conceptual artist John Baldassari has spent an entire career in hiding.

Baldessari’s 1966 piece, A Painting That Is Its

discussed the work together or seen what the other has written.

Commentary is an act of subjectivity. If it wasn’t, then the whole business would take on a very beige tone.

Billy Apple is one of the real heavyweights in New Zealand’s art narrative, one of the names which many people recognise and revere.

He was a player in the pop art scene, has exhibited all over the world and influenced many modern artists now working in new mediums. But I cannot for the life of me work out why.

It seems to me that Apple’s career is predicated on a joke, and an extremely clever one at that. In the 80’s Apple struck a deal with critic and commentator Hamish McKay, Hamish would pay for lunch when Billy visited Wellington and in return he would receive an artwork free of charge. The work which resulted out of this transaction is called ‘Lunches’ and is a small work consisting of a vivid black background and beautifully typefaced message inscribed in white which reads “Lunches, a barter between Billy Apple and Hamish McKay”.

Ahh yes, very good Mr. Apple. How dry.

All personal angst against the artist aside, this

Own Documentation, is just one exercise in working at a remove. A white primed canvas is adorned with simple black lettering detailing the work’s own genesis, manufacture, and exhibition. Each time the piece is exhibited, its display is added underneath. The work even includes a helpful tip for any gallery that exhibits it: “FOR EXTRA SPACE USE ADDITIONAL CANVAS”. As of October 2010, the one canvas has become six.

As Baldessari demonstrates, conceptual art isn’t necessarily a dry occupation. Apple’s work is also often deeply humorous, frequently critiquing art making and consumption.

From the V.U.W. Art Collection is a pointed remark. In choosing conceptualism, Apple has relinquished the importance of painting.

In choosing a painted canvas to make this deliberately mundane gesture he lightly mocks the medium by showing it up for all its staid, obsolete qualities.

Billy Apple is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

— 54 —

is a visually striking work. The clear contrasts between the green and gold gives a tonal depth to the piece which captures the eye but also manages to maintain appeal. It has an ageless quality, an imperial flavour. Whether that is simply my reaction to the use of gold or a result of the clear and marked composition of the piece, it allows the work to dominate the space it is placed in. Currently hanging in the Art History department in the Old Kirk building it draws the eye from across the open space. But accompanying its imposing nature is the text itself. It is from the collection, part of the cultural tapestry of the university.

To my eye it is now part and parcel of the department, integral to it.

This is why I find Apple so interesting. Every fibre of me wants to hate him, his approach is snide, sarky and occasionally downright rude. But it works, and it continues to force me evaluate the way I approach the methodologies of art production and critique.

So thanks Billy A, I think.

Todd Atti cus

in review

VISUAL ARTS

F R OM THE CO L L E C T IO N The From the Collection series was inaugurated with a work commissioned by the Bank of New Zealand in 1988. Since then, it has attracted a broad range of corporate, public and private clientele.

Each work in the From the Collection series is commissioned by the collector, and operates both as a self-portrait and a frontispiece for their particular collection. The client works with Billy Apple to have the work personalized with their choice of colors, materials, logos and so forth, whilst conforming to the Billy Apple brand of graphics and composition. For example a From the Collection work for a corporate client may use their logo and the company’s corporate colors in conjunction with the golden ratio format and Futura extra bold condensed font, typical of the Billy Apple series.

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PHOEBE MORRIS

THINGS

YOU ALREADY KNOW BUT JUST NEED

TO BE TOLD THE REAL WORLD

(HOW CAN I BE A CITIZEN WHEN ALL I SEE ARE TETRAHEDRONS?) U T H E R D E A N ( C H I E F S AG E )

This is the one hundred and first issue of Salient to carry something I’ve written. It is the last Salient to carry something I’ve written. Because next year I’m finally biting the bullet and giving the real world a go.

After six years of student life and studying—editing Salient is basically study except you have an essay due every week, the essay is 48 pages long and written with bunch of other people—I am stepping outward (but not northward). I am bursting the bubble in which I have felt if not safe then at least a little protected.

I’m terrified.

As wonderful and terrible as the university experience is it’s always cushioned by the innate knowledge that it’s not actual. Not real.

There are consequences, yeah, but you’re still young and everything is forgiving even when it feels like it won’t be. You get to try so much, you get to pick at the tasting plate of life knowing that if something makes you cringe or wince no one is going to begrudge you shifting.

The real world is war, university is paint-ball. Both hurt. One kills you, the other is largely bright colours that are pretending to be something important.

It strikes me that the real difference between in here and out there is that while both gratuitously overwhelm you with choice. This house

of learning is built like a ship—your legs are like roots—you can go wherever you want and still have every other option open to you. The real world offers most of the same choices but they weight so much more. Choosing one thing of course means not choosing another but this time that other thing doesn’t wait, it’s gone. Now doors have to be shut for others to be opened. That’s why I’m terrified. Because I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.

Of course, no one does but I’m me so I’m much more aware of my own ignorance than anyone elses. I just need to listen to myself. You need to listen to yourself. You see the trust others put in you. You need to believe that other people know what they are doing when they listen to you. We know what to do with other people’s lives but never with our own. Advice is always easier to give than to take, right?

I am constantly in awe of how often people’s problems can be solved by their own solutions. No one ever thinks themselves worthy of saving.

You are worth helping. I am worth helping.

That’s what I’m holding on to as I step out of the bomb shelter of school into the desolate nuclear wasteland of reality and consequence. I am going to trust myself. I am going to trust myself. I am going to know that I am worth saving.

E AT Y O U R FUCKING GREENS

POP

— 56 —

PRUDENCE

Dear Salient I am the budding sex columnist for a Wellington student publication and I desperately need your help. Ever since I started giving advice, people have just been asking me for more and more extreme sex advice. It was okay when it was just fisting and bondage, but now I’m getting questions about cum-pissing and genital mutilation. What should I do? <3 Roxy Prudence knows a thing or two about being a successful sex columnist. Since being fired by the Satanists-in-chief that run Salient, I have gone on to bigger and better things. My first book, Your Body is a Temple, so Lock the Doors at Night was a “best seller”, and has led to a syndicated column in the Southern Utah News, giving me a global audience, albeit amongst ungodly polygamist Mormons.

Turning to Roxy’s question, the key to being a good advice columnist is to remember three important rules: Sex is immoral, unless it’s for the purpose of making babies, or for cementing a potential marriage.

Society has an order: God, Jesus, Muslim Jesus, Man, Not Cloven-hoofed animals, Clovenhoofed animals, Woman.

Prayer solves all problems, except problems caused by prayer to idols.

Now before we apply these rules, I think it’s important to get some additional information from Roxy...

Dear Roxy, You harlot may have stolen my column inches, but now I, Prudence Lovelock, am in complete control. Before I solve your problem, I want you to tell me, are you ready to die?

Xoxo Prudence

were jealous of my fanmail volume.

Anyway, Hi again Roxy, So glad to meet you again :). I notice you somehow missed my question? So, are you ready to die? (Hint: I ask because I think you’re going to burn in hell ☺☺) Xoxo Prudence.

Dear Prudence, It suddenly occurs to Roxy that we’re actually not all that different. I have realised that you just Oh God oh God oh God, who put you crazy want to help people in your own special way. broad back in the hot seat?

Please accept my peace offering.

When I agreed to this with the <3 Roxy “My first book, Your editors, no one told me they Body is a Temple, so Roxy honey, thanks so much for were going to let you loose Lock the Doors at Night coming around ☺. What peace again. was a “best seller”...” offering were you talking about? <3 Roxy Xoxo, Prudence Of course, I should have expected this from Miss Heart. It is well-known that women are ill-equipped to be sex columnists, given that sex involves a high level of spatial analysis that women are mentally unable to perform.

Consequently Miss Heart remains under the mistaken belief that I was fired because my advice was “offensive” and “dangerous”, rather than the truth which is that the Salient editors

Oh sorry, I forgot to send you the link.

Google “Blue Waffle”. It’s really cute, and when Roxy sees it she thinks of you. <3 Roxy

EDS NOTE: Yeah, we totally set up Prudence here. Well, we would have if Roxy and Prudence weren’t the same gay man. Psyche!

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately & confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free & confidential. P: 04 463 5310 E: counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

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U T H EREAL M OM ENT R O S E B U R R O W E S & M AT T W H I T E

This week we went in-house (read: cbf searching elsewhere) to our neighbour across the page, the one and only Uther Dean—former co-editor of Salient, playwright and columnist at local Wellington magazine FishHead.

Uther, your column is the only one I read. How does that make you feel?

Unworthy! Makes me think people should read more—in Salient and in general, but it’s much needed validation because I spend lots of time fretting over that column… I kind of know it’s good, but of course, I’m my biggest critic. “What is this, an opinionated rant?”

When will you do us a Mohammed cartoon?

I’m a coward, so never, but thinking about it makes me feel that this whole backlash is an incredibly small minority ruining the perception of an otherwise perfectly fine religion. At any other time of the year most will recognise that these are extremists, but as soon as extremists are on the scene they’re all “Islam is an inherently violent religion!” which, of course, it isn’t.

Do you even go here?

Yes, I do the Masters in Script at the IIML. Next year I won’t be a student so can’t get published in Salient. It needs to be a student voice. When I came back to re-sign up for uni, the guy looked at my record of BA, Honours, Salient and now this, he was like “you must really like university”—I don’t. The alternatives are terrifying or just can’t do. All comes back to the coward in me. Next year, I gotta face the facts.

How do view the role of a cartoonist? Or a columnist for that matter…

Cartoonist: Mine were just me responding passive-aggressively to the dire admissions we were getting at Salient last year. Clearly people were doing them in two minutes in lectures – they were ugly, usually misspelt and offensive, so I wanted to print something worse to shame them out. I just find it for fun! I don’t take pride in them, they just have to exist.

Columnist: My columns have been going off the brief.

I’m the recipient most of the time – selfflagellating… it’s interesting having just done things about columns I’m too scared to write about – like relationships, humanity’s inherent possibility for violence and jealousy. Like most, I’ve gotten good at pretending to be profound—no one knows what they’re doing, and everyone is sitting there going “how the fuck does everyone know what they’re doing?”

You just start pretending.

What plays need to be read?

Angels in America. I’m slowly dealing with the fact that I’ll never write anything as sublimely beautiful. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, which is really funny and mean—it’s four drunk people being mean to each other. Anything

by Sarah Kane—her plays are dark and distinct with a clear authorial voice, which is horrible but enlightening.

THE ANSWER U D AY A N M U K H E R J E E

2012 has been a year of heady intellectual exploration. We have scythed our way through conundrums galore, treating centuries of philosophical discussion with the irreverence they so richly deserve. But we are yet to confront one basic issue. This is the portentously titled ‘Problem of Free Will’.

In a foreboding fashion, it threatens notions of responsibility we cherish dearly. We have 200 words to solve it. Let’s go. What is the problem? Basically the challenge comes from the supposed truth of determinism, which is the thesis that all events in the universe are fully caused by the states which precede

them. This means that barring the occasional quantum swerve, there is nothing that happens which isn’t entirely predictable in principle.

This extends even to our own choices, which are traceable to our beliefs and desires, which are caused by society and genetics and a host of other conditions we have no control over.

But if we don’t have ultimate control of our decisions, then in what sense are we free?

This shit is deep. To resist the troubling conclusion, philosophers take one of two tacks. Either they deny that human consciousness is subject to the same kinds of causal laws that everything else is, positing

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some sort of crucial spark of freedom deep within us. Or they deny that free will really requires total independence from the naturalistic order, and that we can make do with less responsibility than that. Either option requires a substantial leap of faith to get fully behind. But even the most hardheaded determinist wouldn’t just sit around and wait for things to happen to them. Maybe the problem only arises due to a misplaced obsession with conceptual clarity and critical analyis, a solution which generalises to all of my previous columns. Answer? Disregard philosophy. Acquire currency. Raptor out.

FA CE S TO D EFA CE THE UNDEAD EDITION

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vuwsa & Friends

VUWSA PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS BRIDIE HOOD

So here we are. After 24, at times terribly written columns, we have reached the final Presidential Address of the year. Next it’s Stress Free Study Week, exams and then the vast majority of you will head off on your summer holidays. Despite the pull of the beach and excessive summer drinking, some of you will give study in Trimester 3 a go, and I’ll be finishing up my work and getting ready to hand over the a shiny, new VUWSA Executive.

Being VUWSA President this year isn’t quite what I expected. I like to think I had a pretty good idea of what was expected of me, but this really is a position that you can’t entirely prepare for. Every day is something different – and this year, being the first year of Voluntary Student Membership, presented challenges that no other VUWSA Executive has had to face in a long time.

But I am really proud of what VUWSA has achieved this year. While things haven’t been perfect, I think this Executive has built a strong foundation in a VSM environment which Rory and his team can use to build and grow VUWSA, and make it stronger than ever before.

This achievement has not been the result of one or two people. But it has been a team effort. I would like to thank this year’s Executive for all their time, effort and dedication. I don’t think I could have had a better Executive and I’m so glad I got to spend the year working with all of you. And of course the VUWSA staff also deserve a special mention – you are all total babes However, while I think this year’s Executive has done a commendable job transitioning into this VSM environment, we should not be complacent. VUWSA is too important to lose. We cannot allow the voice of students to be lost and our past, present and future contributions be undermined as a result of our ‘new environment’.

VUWSA was created because it is only through effective student representation that we can hold the University to account and ensure they are delivering the education, experience, facilities and services students want and need during study. We were set up by students, for students. And for the last 113 years we have been making sure that all students get the best out of their time at Victoria. We cannot let this be undermined.

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As I officially retire from student politics, I look forward to keeping up to date with what’s happening at VUWSA. I wish Rory and the 2013 Executive the best of luck next year. As stressful as my three years at VUWSA were, I wouldn’t trade them for anything – they helped shape me into the person I am today.

And finally a few thanks have to be given to the people who have helped me through this year. Firstly, to my BafeFF Angus, I’ve enjoyed the laughs, the breaks, the dancing, and the words of wisdom, I am grateful for the time you have given me, despite dealing with your own set-backs, like the death of Whitney Houston. To ‘Shopz’ for always listening to my work rants, no matter how boring they were. To Beyoncé. 4 has become my Presidential-soundtrack and I put down much of my success this year to ‘(Girls) Run the World’. And to Morehu, for being a total babe and forever reminding me that there is so much more to life than work.

And finally, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be your VUWSA President. I feel incredibly proud to have represented you this year, and I hope I have served you well.

vuwsa & Friends

VUWSA VP WELFARE

TE TAU KUA PAHURE

RORY MCCOURT

J OA N N A M O R G A N

This is the last Salient column you will read from a VUWSA Exec member this year. This column is brought to you by the letter R for reflection and the letter E for excitepants. And maybe the letter Z for rest, because my God it is time for holi-holiday with a chilled Corona on a warm beach. Ahhh.

On reflection, the election campaign taught me a lot. It taught me that 90 hour weeks will kill me; that you can always rely on those that love you when the Young Nats put you on Whale Oil; and that through all the bullshit, your opponent can turn out to be a pretty nice guy.

It taught me that not everyone feels valued by VUWSA and the people who work inside it. It taught me that sometimes it can seem more like our club, then your students’ association. Please know this: I have listened. There will be action.

It taught me that people feel let down and angry at our contribution to NZUSA, when this year VUWSA and We Are the University ran a larger campaign against the Budget cuts to tertiary education than our national Students’ Association. Please know this: I feel let down too. There will be action.

It taught me that if VUWSA is to remain relevant and loved by our members, then we must put on events in scale akin to the inauguration of the Pope. In lieu of something that “loose”, I promise we’ll do better to put on great gigs. In fact, I’m already talking to Otago and Auckland about sharing acts for O Week. We may even have a Victoria End of Days.

Wearing my excitepants, I’m incredibly excited about the year ahead for VUWSA, our members, and all students in Wellington. I look forward to leading what has been dubbed “The Amazeballs Team”; a group of incredibly talented, passionate people who will occupy the beige tower next year bring with them the enthusiasm and determination to take VUWSA to the next level, and in doing so get a better deal for students. I have excitepants for Amazeballs.

Before I leave to chill my Corona, I just want to acknowledge the hard work, dedication and determined positivity of this years’ exec.

We were thrown a shit-bomb this year. With VSM, an overbearing university and critics on all sides, it was always going to be tough.

Through it all (some trials self-inflicted, admittedly), we powered through. I want to especially thank Sara our Women’s Officer and Sophie our Environmental Officer. They are wells of knowledge, patience, ideas and wisdom.

And of course, to our President. Bridie, I believe you are the best leader VUWSA has had in the longest time. It will be both a monumental honour and a challenge to try and live up to your legacy.

I will strive. We will strive. After Corona.

This is the final column from Ngāi Tauira for the 2012 year; the year that wasn’t. The new executive started out with a lot of enthusiasm and expectation, anticipating the recognition of Te Tiriti o Waitangi at Victoria University, beyond a statute that claims to recognise Māori as tangata whenua of Aotearoa, toward a relationship that recognises the ability of Māori students to organise and action their own hopes and dreams for te reo Māori, tikanga Māori, and matters of the university community and the wider public that concern our whānau, hapū and iwi. That an agent of the crown has failed to recognise the rangatiratanga of Māori is nothing new, nor is the failure of a university to recognise the rangatiratanga of its students, but the disappointment is still there.

Te Wiki o Te Reo came and went with very little involvement and support from Victoria University. A traditionally iconic week in Ngāi Tauira`s calendar and the opportunity to support te reo Māori at Victoria flew by untouched. This is a personal disappointment that will hopefully be rectified next year. I ngā kupu o tērā kaupapa rangatira rā, kia kore ai e ngaro taku reo rangatira.

Moving on to student politics. Victoria’s response to VSM included the production of a student forum, designed to capture the ‘diverse’ opinions of students on campus to consult with council. While conversation and debate in the forum are awesome to watch and participate in, the forum is yet to bear fruits that will enhance the experiences of tauira Māori at Victoria. This is after all the university's processes, and we will have to wait until 2013 to see what the student forum is really capable of. On that note, we hope that in 2013 Victoria considers and fulfils its privilege as a treaty partner with Māori, particularly tauira Māori.

So at the end of an extended grumble regarding the 2012 year I want to finish on a much more important note by recognising those of Victoria University who have continuously supported and encouraged tauira Māori as students, as Māori and as whānau. Ka nui te mihi ki a koutou ngā kaitautoko anō hoki ngā pou whakawhirinaki i tēnei whare, he whare wānanga. Mei kore ake koutou hei arahi i a mātou ngā tauira ki runga i tēnei moana pukepuke kia tau ai, kia ora ai.

Koutou o Te Pūtahi Atawhai, o Te Herenga Waka anō hoki ko ngā kaimahi Māori e noho mararā ki tēnā tari ki tēnā tari. Tēnā rā koutou katoa.

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S P O R T S I S G AY

T20: IT’S JUST NOT CRICKET

STEPHEN GILLAM

J O E G A L L AG H E R

When former Pittsburgh Pirates owner Kevin McClatchy admitted that he is gay, the bad taste jokes practically wrote themselves.

Ultimately, however, the consensus reaction was that it’s not really that big a deal.

While it made a pretty juicy tabloid story, former Welsh fullback Gareth Thomas met a similar reaction after announcing the same thing.

Guys like McClatchy and Thomas (a gun try-scorer) help break down the rather strange stereotype that gay men are flowery and effeminate just because they watch a different kind of porn.

For a gay person, seeing someone like Thomas must be reassuring. He wants to be known as a rugby player who only happens to be gay—and it’s not like it changed the way he played.

Athletes are a unique type of public figure. While they don’t write legislation, people love them for their sporting talents so they tend to have a disproportionate influence on society.

Further, they can reach demographics that are otherwise hard to access for the gay rights movement.

Baltimore Ravens player Brendon Ayanbadejo caught national headlines when he publicly advocated gay marriage in a newspaper.

In response, a Maryland politician asked his franchise to gag their outspoken player.

The Ravens, realising there might be something slightly undemocratic about inhibiting free expression, politely told the politician to shove it.

Teammate Matt Birk then wrote about the importance of protecting the traditional marriage unit in a Minnessota newspaper.

To his credit, Birk—a Harvard graduate—wrote superbly and avoided simply parroting religious dogma.

The franchise actually encouraged both perspectives, recognising that BOTH want to make their country better, simply disagreeing on how to do it. And their reaction is something everyone can learn from.

As a supporter of gay marriage myself, it can be easy to shoot down its opponents as bigoted or backwards, but it’s important to remember that both sets of beliefs are sincerely held.

It’s an educated mind that can respect and understand different ideas, but still reject them (Aristotle said that, right before saying you can’t believe everything you read on the internet).

The T20 World Cup in Sri Lanka ended recently, and New Zealand were packing their bags fairly early, so it seems balance has been restored.

It would take a very, very convincing argument to say that the Blackcaps are actually good, but I’ll do my best. Sort of.

I’m not saying that they played to an acceptable standard at the T20 World Cup as much as the entire format is a farce.

It’s the bums-on-seats style of the game—easily digestible, over in three hours and assimilates half-naked women dancing with ease. But I can’t shake the feeling that it’s becoming more of a lottery, and much more of a circus.

Look no further than one of the biggest stories in the sport in recent times—Usain Bolt. The sprinter’s possible signature with Melbourne Stars emphasises just how appearance-focused the game has become.

It’s like Tiger Woods suggesting he’d like to play basketball and getting signed up by the Miami Heat.

If anything materialises, I may eat my words—who knows, Bolt may turn out to be an excellent cricketer—but signing him to the Big Bash league without any genuine evidence that the man can bat, bowl, or field with any conviction is proof that Melbourne is more interested in audiences than they are serious about assembling a winning cricket team.

But the game can afford it in such a short format. Nobody has any time to get a foothold in a match and the momentum of a game can swing (mind the pun) in just one ball or one over. Bowlers are rewarded for flukes, rather than built-up pressure, and batsmen are revered for swinging wildly at every ball bowled at them.

And by the end of it, if either team blinks for a moment (the Blackcaps are developing an alarming habit of doing so), it’s suddenly a draw. A Super Over is even more of a gamble—they may as well flip a coin and be on their way.

Everything is made for commercial gain. It is cricket’s attempt at MTV, and it is working. It’s just not cricket.

That is why we needn’t be too stressed about the Blackcaps’ T20 form of late. The other formats, however, are a story for another time.

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Game of Thrones 

T H E TOP 10 SPORTING M OM ENTS FROM 2012



J O E G A L L AG H E R & S T E P H E N G I L L A M

-4The All Blacks actually trying a dropped goal: Unbeaten in 2012, it looks as if the All Blacks are about to shatter the mighty Lithuania’s test match winning record. Ignoring the win in South Africa and the thrashing of Argentina, it was just so good to see Dan Carter ditch the legitimate-runningrugby philosophy that has plagued the team with their tendency to lose close games at World Cups.

The drop goal—the most underused play in New Zealand rugby—to defeat Ireland is my All Blacks highlight.

1

2

3

-5The Hurricanes stunning everyone by not being shit: The 2012 Hurricanes were in disarray after their stars gapped it, leaving above-average semiprofessionals and washed-up squad fillers. In response, the rag-tag bunch of lovable losers stepped up and stunned the competition by almost making the playoffs. Better yet, Ma’a Nonu took his off-field problems with him to Auckland. Suckers.

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5

6

The 4x100 men’s relay final: Usain Bolt, Yohan Blake, Nesta Carter and Michael Frater formed the historic Jamaican Dream Team. It was like Cool Runnings, but with actual winners and no Al Gore (so yeah, winners). The USA almost caused an upset, but Blake and Bolt helped break their own record in a thrilling finish.

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8

-1Bond and Murray: When your rivals switch sports to actually win something, your team might be pretty good. That’s what happened with Bond and Murray before they predictably destroyed the field (well, lake) in London. They headlined an All-Star rowing squad while smashing the world record by six seconds en route to victory.

9

-2The last 90 seconds of the English Premier League: It was around 3am on a Monday morning and three friends and I had started celebrating Manchester United’s dramatic Premier League victory over rivals City. 90 seconds of madness and two goals later we were left red-faced (or should that be blue-faced?) as City pulled off the comeback of the year. I woke up the following morning to the most eloquent text message I’ve ever received from my dad: “Fucking City.”

-310

Quade Cooper basically coming out of the closet: While I’m no huge fan of either Sonny Bill or Quade Cooper, I love nothing more than a good bromance.

After exchanging cute tweets and smiley faces throughout the year, Sonny and Quade look set to take the next step in their relationship and will most likely light up the NRL next year, making my hatred of them unfair. Sigh.

LeBron James and the Miami Heat finally walk the walk and win an NBA title: I always found it a touch misplaced for averagely-sized Caucasian males to find it within themselves to criticise the world’s premier basketballer about his sporting skills. It was, then, quite pleasing to see LeBron James pick up his first NBA ring in June, and the banter traversing permanently to a critique of Mr James’ receding hairline.

-8The Olympic opening and closing ceremonies: Until shooting small men out of cannons becomes an official sport of the Olympics, the opening and closing ceremonies will continue to be the most consistently irrelevant parts of the Games. The only reason this features on my top ten can be summed up in three words: Spice Girls reunion.

-9Emile Heskey signs for the Jets: Fuck The Beatles arriving in NZ. The Jets have single-handedly put the A-League on the world football map by signing football’s Black Jesus. Yes, arguably the greatest striker of this generation is now playing in little old Australia. They play in Wellington on January 27 and March 23. Be there.

- 10 The 2012 Warriors’ season ends. Finally: Inept management and embarrassingly outclassed players defined the Warriors’ 2012 season. It was like the Black Caps, but with actual expectation based on being any good the season before. As the 2012 season ended, people could finally start waiting for 2013. At least it can’t get any worse, right? Right?

Lovin' From

The Oven ROAS TE D B EET R O O T & R ED QU I N O A SAL AD H AY L E Y A D A M S

If any of you lovely folk have ever had the beetroot and quinoa salad from vicbooks, you know just what a tasty treat it is. Recently I had a ladies dinner party and attempted to recreate it for my guests, with great success. So now, I pass it on to you. Quinoa (pronounced keen-wah) is a gluten-free grain like cereal, rich in dietary fibre, magnesium and iron and it makes for an excellent salad. You can find it in most supermarkets and health stores.  What

you need

 What



1 cup red quinoa, rinsed under cold water 2 cups cold water 4 medium beetroot, scrubbed and diced into 1.5cm cubes Small handful of mint, chopped Half a block feta cheese, chopped ½ cup sliced almonds 2 tbsp olive oil 2 tbsp red wine vinegar Salt and pepper to taste

to do …

Put the quinoa and cold water into a medium pot and bring to the boil, reduce heat and simmer until the water has all been soaked up (about 15-20mins). Meanwhile, heat oven to 200 degrees Celsius and roast beetroot until soft (about 20minutes). Cool beetroot and quinoa and then combine in a large bowl with mint, cheese and almonds. Pour over oil and vinegar and toss to combine. Season to liking and enjoy!

all you can eat pizza 

$12



every monday 6-8pm

GRAMMAR COUNSEL OF THE WEEK SUB-EDITORIAL CARLO SALIZZO

your own words, unless you really, really know what you’re doing. Neologophilia is a dangerous passion. Get a girlfriend. Random Overcapitalisation is another Silly thing for you to Insert in your work, Even if you think it’s warranted. Trust me, it’s Not. I guess the only other thing to add is know when to use your apostrophes, especially in this age of textual communication. There’s an almighty difference between admiring your girlfriend’s and your girlfriends’ lovely legs—it may save your life someday.

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TRACTA40036

Let me share with you some tips on how to type things like a normal human being. They’re simple, and will score you at least an extra two per cent on any given essay. Firstly, never, ever, doublespace after a full stop: “I have a girlfriend. She is wonderful.” Word processors are designed to space your work correctly—hitting the spacebar twice at the end of a sentence is the worst thing you can do at that point, with the possible exception of using more than one exclamation mark in earnest. Secondly, please don’t make up

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Classes start 19 November 2012.

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Salient ♥ you

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LETTER ✶ OF THE ✶

WEEK

WINS TWO FREE COFFEES FROM VIC BOOKS!

DINOCOP4LYF Dear Salient 2012, I have a list of greivances to air with you regarding your efforts this year.

1) I can’t believe that several issues ago you called Charles Manson a murderer who killed AfricanAmericans to incite a race war.Your editors will finally get a chance to put their law degrees to use because I am writing him a letter informing him of your defamation. I’m sure he’s going to be pissed and litigous.

2) needs more dinocop In summation, I’ve had bowel movements that were more satisfying than you.

You are a steamy pile of (“second-best”) poos.

I hope you are proud of yourself.

See you next year, Ryan Hammond xoxo

FUCK CRITIC Dear Salient, Congratulations on being named second at the Aotearoa Student Press Association awards, at which I was present (in body, if not in mind). While “first the worst, second is the best” - a maxim that has been used to placate runner-ups in the past - is loser talk, I was most impressed with the dignity and good humour displayed by you and your team in the face of disappointment. It contrasted notably with the behaviour of other editors in student media, past and present - in particular, the belligerent crowing of self-described “tall poppy”, Criticeditor Joe Stockman.

Also, you all looked very nice.

Well done.

Fascist

WE ADMIT OUR EMISSION Dearest Salient, It has come to my attention after reading several of the last copy’s that you have admitted several words from the wordfind each week. This seriously fucks me off, as i am unable to find them, hence you are wrong because they not there.

Could you please fix this small error in the next issue.

Yours sincerely, 404 NOT FOUND

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE’VE FOUD ONE! SOMEBODY IS LISTENING!

letterS Having spent my first year in Dunedin and thus having a never ceasing bond to that university I can never quite get over seeing Critic triumph over Salient at the student press awards. Arriving at Victoria in my 2010 I never quite warmed to Salient like Critic, always seeming too self important to the point of a belief in its own infallibility. Ironically this year, my first out of varsity, I have started to enjoy the Salient; whenever a flattie brings it home or I happen myself up to campus to catch up with people.

My only question, is Salient enough to maintain some of the voracious appetites for student voice on campus?

I was a Victoria student for 2 years but it is only now since leaving I have become aware of the VBC and some of its great radio programming.

Maybe I was out of the loop but in reality I think that there was never enough done to promote the VBC to the wider student populace.

Fortunately this year, just like heroin, the VBC seems to be coming back, in a big way. Radio hours are full and I am increasingly coming into contact with those that either have a show or those that have recently started tuning in.

Salient does a very good job in keeping us up to date with a great deal relevant to the average student but it doesn’t reach everyone and nor should it have to or try. It is time for the VBC to get some real coverage. Just as the Salient is delivered all over campus so should the student station be. All respect to personal freedom and choice I do not mean for it to be crammed down everyone’s throats but there is no reason it cannot be played in the Hunter Lounge and perhaps the deck opposite Vic Books.

Not only does the VBC provide some great tunes in an outreach to some of the stoners, metal heads and guitar heroes but also provides a great opportunity to those on air to get an opinion out and enjoy themselves. If you’ve never listened to the VBC tune in! It’s 88.3FM or can be streamed live at vbc.org.nz/ Joe Drysdale

TINO RANGATIRATANGA, MOTHERFUCKER Dear Salient, I read with dismay “Maori Separatists in Our Midst?”, a letter from an anonymous correspondent in the 1 October issue of Salient inviting readers to a presentation on Maori self-government on 26 September. The letter says that Maori self-government means that Maori “have the rights and means to look after themselves … without having to answer to a sovereign power.”

However, the Treaty of Waitangi says that Maori “cede to Her Majesty the Queen of England absolutely and without reservation all the rights and powers of Sovereignty.” So if Maori are not to answer to a sovereign power, then presumably the Treaty is to be abolished. And, if Maori

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are to look after themselves, then Maori will no longer benefit from New Zealand’s welfare system. Presumably that means that whanau, who collectively spend more than they earn, will be supported by corporate iwi.

Iwi have assets of over $10b and Ngai Tahu Holdings Corp, for example, have recently posted an annual (tax exempt) profit of almost $100 million. However, a recent report from the Maori Economic Development Panel says that whanau need to earn their own money and not rely on iwi. Corporate iwi are just as self-serving and greedy as any other downtown corporate; they will use the report and avoid giving financial assistance to whanau.

Unfortunately, however, Maori will not in fact look after themselves or agree to abolish the Treaty. Instead, iwi intend to use the Treaty as leverage to rort the political and legal systems to their advantage and leave whanau to rely on the welfare system in disproportionate numbers, just as happens now. Maori self-government is doublespeak for simultaneous separatism on the one hand and dependency on the other with the taxpayer footing the bill for both. That does not seem to be a reasonable and sustainable solution.

Yours sincerely, Barrie Davis

HOT POCKETS NOT SO HOT NO MORE HI SALIENT HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE DISGUSTING TSHIRTS FLOATING AROUND? YOU KNOW THE ONES WHERE THE BLOODY POCKET IS A DIFFERENT BLOODY COLOUR TO THE MAIN TSHIRT PART. E.G. THE WHOLE TSHIRT WILL BE WHITE BUT THEN THE CHEST POCKET IS BLACK OR VICE VERSA. YUUUUUUCK. I REALLY HATE THESE TSHIRTS I SEE ONE OR TWO OF THEM MOST DAYS AND FUNNILY ENOUGH I ALSO THROW UP ONCE OR TWICE A DAY. COINCIDENCE I DON’T THINK SO FROM I-WILL-PUKE-IN-YOUR-STUPIDPOCKET

BUT WHERE ARE THE JUGGLING GERIATRIC ANIMALS? ANSWER ME THAT! Message Body: Dear Spill-A-pa Don’t claim “sass” if your lecturer informed you that NZGT misrepresents women. Loosen up and just enjoy it for its wonders. Take off your critical feminist hat and your 80 year old man who hates pomes hat. Sit back and relax.

NZGT is a beautiful display of New Zealand’s endowment of skills. Theres juggling, theres old people, there’s cross dressers on point shoes, theres animals. If you hate these people then you hate New Zealand. And Talent. I think It’s great that these misfits have a chance to get up there and give it a shot. When else will they get their

Salient ♥ you

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moment to shine. When Phillipa. WHEN??

Also it’s great entertainment. Something to chat about with my mum and nanna and to bring up in conversations that are getting awkward. I like when they let everyone in, it makes me smile that NZ is an inclusive society who endorses heaps of wierd stuff. My favourite was the lady in the fluffy multicoloured outfit. If it wasn’t for the show, I wouldn’t have seen her.

Anywhom was gonna invite you over to watch it this Sunday but maybe not. I only date girls who love NZGT. X The boy next door

INDEED. sometimes i wish i was a woman, so i could experience pregnancy. i like the idea of bonding with a little human living inside me for several months.

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES There are plenty more fish in the sea. Sometimes they are gay. Here are some gay sounding fish for your amusement.

Batfish Black prickleback Black swallower Carpetshark Carpsucker Chubsucker Dragon goby Eel-goby Fingerfish Hagfish Hog sucker Ladyfish Loosejaw Lumpsucker Mudsucker Mustache triggerfish Raccoon butterfly fish Rainbowfish Smoothtongue Swallower Unicorn fish xoxo Aquaman

ANGRY MAN Oi Salient, I have been working on the script for a stoner comedy surrounding the tort of negligence and need some backers. Working title is “Doobie of Care” and it will be a helpful learning tool for the lawyer and lay-er alike. So if anyone has any ideas email me at gudcnt1997@hotmail.com.

Other ideas I have is like a nudity club to replace to big K. Cause I don’t see enough tit around campus, ae. Also I’m gonna roll Rory McCourt at the first VUWSA meeting.

PEACE. (MIC DROP) KONY/ROMNEY2012 $WAGRVD, TH3 DE$TROYVR.

letterS WE ARE TOO. Dear Salient Thank you for inspiring me to start a student magazine at WelTec. While I am not a VUW student, I have enjoyed reading your magazine and I am still depressed that Elle Hunt is now no longer the editior.

Don’t worry, we won’t be plagiarising your magazine. Also Massey Students are idiots.

And finally to all salient readers, if you believe that you will win a prize by having the last comment on someone’s status on Facebook then you’re a bloddy idiot Lovingly yours, Kristen Stewart’s #1 Fan

WHITE LIES. Hey dick heads, I remember faintly that earlier this year you told me that things wouldn’t get better, well, they did.

So, fuck you.

With love, MiKe, that no longer loveless fresher.

<3 Dear Salient, I’m writing to you tonight to say well, damn Mulled Whine by H. G. Beattie is hilARious, and amazingly well put together as well as being totally relatable. Her column was definitely a highlight, and without fail a great read every week. I will miss them over the holidays, I think she should start a blog. Those top ten lists were pretty funny too.

Regards

SIMON SAYS FTP Ok so on the second to last night of Kumara (0506/10), I start work at 11 and all is going well.

We’re filling up the bar and everyone is having a good time. At about 12-12.30 the Police show up to do a raid. This is pretty standard procedure and it happens every night in Wellington. The Police look around, see which bars are busiest and go in to make sure everybody is following the rules (no underage, no really drunk people). Now they go upstairs and pull out 7 or 8 people take then out into the street for some standard questioning, again this is common practise.

There was one VUWSA representative, Simon was his name refused to leave well enough alone and continued getting in the face of the Police (remember at this time his friend is already back inside the bar). Now I know what is going to happen if he doesn’t back off, so I grab him and pull him away, I tell him to “leave it”, he reacts by telling me to let him go. I tell him again to leave it and he strongly asserts that he wants to talk to the cops. I let him go and sure enough he gets right back in the cop’s face. Now the bar manager

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gets in the way and tries to calm Simon down, tells him that his friend is already inside and that the cops would move on if he would just leave it. Simon hurls some abuse at the bar manager so the manager leaves him to it.

Now at this point Simon has three rather large Police officers around him and has been told multiple times by multiple people that he will get himself into trouble if he doesn’t shut up. So this genius decides to threaten the Police (although not physically I imagine) and as a result is arrested…just like we told him. Not at this point the VUWSA elect have come outside and Jackson (the president I assume) starts clapping…at his friend getting arrested…because he threatened the Police…because Jackson was pulled out for questioning 15 minutes ago. Fortunately nobody joins in with the stupid clap.

My issue is that these people are supposed to represent the student body (of which I am a part of) and they are supposed to be well educated.

Now I am not saying that authority shouldn’t be questioned but there is a time and a place…1am outside Big Kumara when you are drunk AND legally in the wrong is not it. I am just baffled that the VUWSA elect don’t have the common sense to not get arrested over something so stupid. If everybody had complied then the whole thing would have been over in 5 minutes and they would have got to enjoy their night.

How do I know all this? I was the bouncer.

Sincerely tired working student.

IN NEED OF LOVE I’m an English Lit student who cannot punctuate or spell to save myself. I have three essays due at the end of the month and desperately need them proof read and possibly some helpful side notes to consider added. If your keen to make some cash then email me con.sin.gage@gmail. com These are for 200 level papers, ENGL 214, 231 and 221.

ABRIDGED I know there is a way to trim this down but a reader really needs the whole story. […]

And now I have a body on my hands!

CHOATY

puzzle TIME! Salient ♥ you

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Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.66)

1

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5

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9 3

5

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9

2

3

1

1

6 2

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CULMINATION

DARKNESS

CLIMAX

APOCALYPSE

SANDMAN

8

DESTRUCTION

EUTHANASIA

ENDGAME

FIN

PURGATORY

ETERNITY

1

6

LAST

IRRELEVANCE

DESCENT

5

2

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Tue Oct 9 05:23:24 2012 GMT. Enjoy!

9

7

7 3 9

1

4

2

5

SAM, WILL, LIVVY

OBLIVION

Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.65)

7 6

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SAHARON LAM

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Tue Oct 9 05:23:19 2012 GMT. Enjoy!

— 68 —

RUSS KALE

Salient’s Quiz for the Querulous

The Big Farewell

This is the one place on campus where nobody minds if you use Wikipedia.

1. Moon of Mars 2. It follows 'manual' or 'hard' 3. It's for the birds 4. Badgers' homes 5. MP Henare and namesakes 6. Preceder of 'nutshell' or 'word' 7. “All My ____” ('Futurama' soap opera) 8. A translator might struggle with this 9. As required, with 'if' 10. They stand in studios 11. Band that recorded 'Take On Me' 12. Radiohead single from 'In Rainbows' 13. British bye-byes 14. One who might wear a 42-Across 21. Couches 24. Words of encouragement 25. Homer Simpson's cry 27. Split evenly, in a way 30. Capone and Green 32. Golden oldies 33. Her business is soaring 34. Movie character who says “Balance is key. Balance good, karate good” 36. They do things by themselves 37. The Ghostbusters, for example 40. It's next to the space bar 43. 'My Generation' band 44. Portuguese mister 46. Dolly Parton hit with the words “please don't take my man” 47. Oak starters 48. Wanders around 50. Synthetic fabric 51. Star of 'Mean Girls' 54. Kind of wave 56. Last few letters 58. Was introduced

SAHARON LAM

1. Modeling clay used in 'The Wrong Trousers' 11. Projectiles follow them 15. Successfully brainstorm 16. Nervous laugh 17. Late stories?

18. Fourth-largest PC manufacturer 19. Clipper and punt, e.g.

20. They're often hard to understand 22. It may be tapped at a party 23. “___ not to reason why” 24. Literary headmaster 26. Online apology?

27. ___ Whakaari (NZ drama school) 28. Place where you'd spend kroons 29. Lovely girl, in a Beatles song 31. Heir of Balon Greyjoy, in 'Game of Thrones' 32. Mechanical device in a music box 35. “Well, I'd better get going” 38. Queue after Q 39. Currency used in Turkey 41. “You bet” 42. Short sleeve for military badges 45. “___ the season” 46. Crush, or preserve?

49. Underhanded trade, slangily 51. Crazy 52. Source of tofu 53. What a soldier would call 1000 54. Recital highlights 55. Epic movie?

57. Existential question 58. Unwilling to give a straight answer 59. Country shindig 60. Fondue's partner, in cartoons 61. Opposite of pragmatism

DOWN

Who created the Muppets?

2.

What does a philographist collect?

3.

Which is bigger, a dolphin or a porpoise?

4.

Which letter is represented in Morse Code by a single dot?

5.

Which group had a number one hit in 1983 with ‘True’?

6.

Iberia is the national airline of which country?

7.

Which solo artist has had the most number of UK number one hits with 18?

8.

A cob is a male swan, what is a female swan called?

9.

What is the only land mammal that cannot jump?

10.

What is John Cleese’s real name?

11.

Which of the Seven Dwarves comes last alphabetically?

12.

Which city is furthest north: St Petersburg, Copenhagen or Montreal?

13.

The title of which Shakespeare play is also a proverb?

14.

Which organisation has the motto ‘Fidelity, Bravery and Integrity?’

15.

How did van Gogh commit suicide – did he hang himself, shoot himself or overdose on drugs?

16.

Which musical word is an anagram of ‘carthorse’?

17.

Which father and daughter pair had a hit with ‘Something Stupid’?

18.

Who was the Rolling Stones’ bass player?

19.

Who was the first woman to lead a political party?

20.

What breed of dog is the tallest in the world?

21.

Which newspaper did Superman work for?

Jim Henson, Autographs, Dolphin, E, Spandau Ballet, Spain, Elvis, Pen, Elephant, John Cheese, Sneezy, St Petersburg, All’s well that ends well, the FBI, he shot himself, Orchestra, Frank and Nancy Sinatra, Bill Wyman, Margaret Thatcher, Irish Wolfhound, Daily Planet.

ACROSS

1.

⤬

SALIENT ⤬

PROVIDES A FREE NOTICE SERVICE for all Victoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs & not-for-profit organisations.

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▲

Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words.

For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to editor@salient.org.nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

R EC RU ITM ENT

MIN A

2012/13 INTERNSHIPS AND GRADUATE JOBS! CareerHub CAREERHUB.VICTORIA.AC.NZ Get your CV ready—attend workshops, CV checks…

Learn about all the different things you can do with a smart phone that doesn’t include trawling Instagram.

From the 23rd to the 25th of November we are holding the 2nd Mobile Creativity and Mobile Innovation symposium at Massey University and the International Mobile Innovation Screening 2012 in the Film Archive Wellington. Mina stands for Mobile Innovation Network Aotearoa, and we want you to be involved.

We know you want to be there, as much as we want to have you involved so visit mina.pro or our Facebook page for more details and a chance to win free tickets!

Applications closing SOON: ORGANISATIONS

CLOSING DATE

Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade

15-Oct

Quest Integrity NZL, Titanium Industry Development Association

17-Oct

Ecoglo International, Revolution Fibres, FUSION Transactive

19-Oct

Geotechnics

20-Oct

Taranaki Bio Extracts, Asia New Zealand Foundation

22-Oct

Avocado Oil NZ

25-Oct

MetService

26-Oct

Senztek NZ, Progressive Enterprises, TigerTurf

28-Oct

Assembly Tech

29-Oct

Core Technology, Navico Asia Pacific, Talbot Technologies, Walt Disney World, Agfirst

30-Oct

Full details on CareerHub http://careerhub. victoria.ac.nz

BANG!

NOTICES

KID S D ID !

KidsDid!!

Thank you to all who participated in the KidsCan fundraiser last week, a total of $1387.40 was raised. Donators, volunteers, Bec’s Café, Salient, Te Herenga Waka you guys are all amazing! Mention must be made of Whaea Te Ripowai Higgins and Te Herenga Waka Marae staff, who donated the entire $6 from each lunch sold, instead of $3 originally advertised. Thanks to VUWSA, Vicbooks, TPA and Bec’s for holding collection buckets. Check out the 10/10/12 CityLife or the 17/10/12 Cook Strait newspaper for articles covering the event. “He kokonga whare e kitea, he kokonga ngākau e kore e kitea.”

TOASTMASTE RS

VICID S PR ESE N TS

Victoria University Toastmasters.

Improve your communication & Leadership Skills.

Enjoy yourself in a supportive evironment with Victoria University Toastmasters.

We meet Every Wednesday 12noon to 1pm Student Union Building. Room 219.

VicIDS Presents: Special Event for International Eradication of Poverty Day Wednesday, 17 October 2012, 5:30pm, CO304, Kelburn To raise awareness about International Day for the Eradication of Poverty VicIDS invites you to attend a forum on poverty and participation. Hear from Vicki Soanes, whose Masters thesis analysed the importance of ensuring participation for those living in poverty.

Yummy + free fairtrade tea and coffee provided!

FI NAL YR STUD E N T If you are unsure of what to do after finishing your study….

Get expert advice from Vic Careers on: - what to do with your degree - how to put together a CV - what to expect at an interview - how to get a job Vic Careers: 463-5393, careers-service@vuw.ac.nz, 14 Kelburn Parade

VIC O E - D E AD LIN E Vic OE – Tri 2, 2013 Exchange Deadline Jan 16th!

Why not study overseas as part of your degree?!

Earn Vic credit, get Studylink & grants, explore the world!

Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2, Easterfield Building, 12.50pm Upcoming Deadline: For Tri 2, 2013 exchange January 16th

CAN D O Can Do is the student rep group for those with disabilities or impairments, and is continuing in 2013.

Come along to our last meeting of the term on Wednesday 17th October! Will be held in Meeting Room 2 of the Student Union Building, between 3-4pm. Get involved in time for next year!

ART TIME Wilhelm Heise- a German Artist of Magic Realism (between two wars). " Wilhelm Heise,*1892, + 1965, one of the most significant German artists of the "Magic Realism", painter, draughtsman of the most famous "plants in the night", teacher and professor, after war director of the famous Staedel Academy in Frankfurt.- A brief floor talk held by his son Andreas Heise, architect." Organised by the Goethe Society, Wellington.

Wednesday 17 October, at 7.30 pm in Room 606, von Zedlitz Building, Kelburn Parade, Victoria University.

VBC GUIDE MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

7AM - 10AM

FLIGHT COFFEE

VBC BREAKFAST

WITH SALLY, LEWIE & MIKE Hot music. Great guests. Sweet hook-ups.

Live VBC News & Traffic every 30 minutes with Megan.

10AM - 12PM

SANDWICHES

PICK 'N' MIX

WITH TASH, GUSHIE & GUESTS Tunes, interviews, give-aways and music news.

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

7AM -10AM

8AM -10AM

DJ MP3 PLAYER

THE CHILDREN'S CORNER WITH LAUREN, FLO & GUESTS

10AM -12PM

10AM - 12PM

BRUNCH

WAKE N' BAKE PEARCE & DUNCAN

WITH

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 1PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

MIDDAY

THE BEEF! WITH MATT & ALEX

NO GRIM BUSINESS WITH PAUL

INFIDEL CASTRO

SONG FROM YOUR LUNCH BOX! WITH

THE MIDDAY BUSINESS POWER LUNCH WITH EMMA

GROOVY TIMES WITH

KORERO MAI W FLAUN

WITH PHILIP

MCSWEENY

JORDAN & HAYLEY

2PM - 4PM

2PM - 4PM

1PM - 3PM

LIAM & GABBY'S

2PM - 4PM

CASEY

WED AFTERNOON

DOM'S

'RADIO SHACK'

WITH NINA

RAD SHOW

MAORI THEMES & TUNES

2PM - 4PM

2PM - 4PM

ALEX, MICHAEL & NICK

DAVE & ED

2PM - 4PM

LORENZO & PALS!

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 6PM

MONDAY DRIVE

MONDO'S

LOUI'S

THURSDAY DRIVE WITH

BELLA'S SUPER CUTE HANGOUT!

ELECTRIC BLISS WITH JOE

ARTS SHOW

7PM - 8PM

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 9PM

6PM - 9PM

THE KING

REGGAE, SKA & PUNK WITH OLLIE & TIM

MAKING WAVES

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

NITEY NITE

RAILROAD BLUES WITH RAY

WITH

ALEC

7PM - 9PM

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE WITH NICK & GEORGE

TUESDAY DRIVE SHOW

WEDNESDAY DRIVE SHOW

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 9PM

SLIM PICKING'S SLIM & BUNNY

WITH

AIDAN

CNTRL/ ALT / DELETE WITH

TRAIN SPOTTING THE LEADER & HOLLY & STUMBLE

WITH

ROHAN & KEGAN

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 10PM

THE VINYL COUNTDOWN

BEATS, BASS & BULLSHIT

THAT'S SO METAL

COMPULSORY ECSTASY

WITH

JOSH

MIKEY & PETER

WITH

JACK & BRYN

MON 15

HAYDEN & MITCHELL

WITH

WITH

KIM & NIC

IN DEEP

WITH

AMY JEAN

GIG GUIDE WED 17

THU 18

MIGHTY MIGHTY

TUE 16

THE DILFS, JOHOS, CAPTAINS LOG

LUKE THOMPSON, STU LARSEN, TIM HART

SAN FRANCISCO BATHHOUSE

KILLING BEAR, MELTING FACES AND RIKI GOOCH

STAND UP FOR WELLINGTON RAPE CRISIS POLTER'S DEBUT EP RELEASE SHOW

BODEGA

MEOW CAFE

WITH

GUESTS

FRI 19

WITH

VIRGINIA

KARIIIBA

SAT 20

BODIES LITTLE BARK BIG [MELBS], BAND, JOE BLOSSOM, BATPISS DOUBLE YA D [MELBS], VON THUNDERSVOLT [SPACE] MINARET & EBOSHI THE GUNSLINGERS BALL

THE MEDICINE 8PM

SANDWICHES

MEDUSA

WITH

FORGOTTEN GENERATION, DIMESTORE SKANKS, RED DAWN, THE WHISKEY SHOW

VILLAINY - ALBUM RELEASE SHOW DAVID GREENBERG AND RENNIE PEARSON STATE OF MIND (3 HOUR SET) SANDWICHES THESE FOUR WALLS - LIVING TO WRITE THE END TOUR

it will all be over very soon