How To Issue 01 by Salient

contents weekly content 4. Letters 6. News 15. VUWSA 13. Politics 46. Arts 52. Odds & Ends

columns 1 6 . R a m b l i n g s o f a Fa l l e n H a c k 1 7 . Th e I n t r e p i d V C G u i l f o r d 1 8 . B e i n g We l l 1 8 . M ao r i M at t e r s 19. Bent 40. Sports Banter with Sammy P 41. Conspiracy Corner 41. Food 42. Shirt and Sweet with Eleanor Merton 4 3 . Th e B i r d s a n d t h e B e e s w i t h C u p i e H o o d w i n k 4 5 . A rt i c u l at e d S p l i n e s 4 5 . We i r d I n t e r n e t S h i t

features 2 1 . H ow to G e t D ru n k R e s p o n s i b ly 22. How to How to 2 4 . H ow to re m a i n t h e m a j o r p l aye r i n yo u r ow n l i f e 26. How to roll a durry 27. How to roll a joint 29. How 200

creative 36. Pulse

the how to issue

“To give advice to a man who asks what to do with his life implies something very close to egomania. To presume to point a man to the right and ultimate goal – to point with a trembling finger in the RIGHT direction is something only a fool would take upon himself.” - Hunter S. Thompson This is our first week at or back at university. This is a time of flux: where we are uncertain about so much: what to do and how to get there. University is a period in our lives when we learn how to do things at an impressive rate. How to live independently, how to think critically, how to design and build things using just your head. How to perfect the art of student cuisine (mi goreng noodles), how to succeed at uni (go to class). This is an important time in our lives to decide who we want to be, and then work out how to be that way. Hence this issue. Hunter S. Thompson is wrong to advise that it is foolish to give advice. Obviously, you shouldn’t blindly follow all of the how to’s in this issue. No one knows how to be the perfect human: least of all us. This is not a preachy guide on how to live: this is the kind of advice that you can take or leave. Do something with it if you want. Feature writer Penny Gault has a fantastic feature this week on how to find out how to do things in the age of Google.

She argues that this issue of Salient is redundant – if you want to know how to do anything these days, you don’t need a magazine. You can simply google it. Jeeves knows all the answers. There is not one way of doing things. However, seeking out no advice, or just one person’s advice, is also futile. To that end, we have filled this issue with a variety of student’s views on how to do things. Some are practical, some are whimsical, some contain very bad advice. One writer goes for all three and tells us how to roll a ciggy and how to roll a joint. This week’s issue also signals the beginning of our regular columns. They all have beautiful illustrations, thanks to the amazing Phoebe Morris. The writing’s pretty good too. We spend our lives consumed by the question of just how we want to live. We hope this issue helps you to be the pot-smoking, internet-savvy, popular, semi-alcoholic student you always wanted to be. Or not.

Love,

Duncan & Cam

www.salient.org.nz

The letter of the week wins a coffee from VicBooks. Send letters to editor@salient.org.nz

LETTER of the

WEEK

Where’d ya get that joke from? The Toilet Store? Dear Salient, How about you donate your ink to MASSIVE and save us all some time; fill the stands with toilet rolls every Monday. At LEAST 2 ply. The Homebrand seashell print is more enlightening than ... this. Shitty, Tight Arse.

Dear Urinators, Although we affectionately refer to the lavatories as ‘bathrooms’ I never expect a pissy foot-bath. I measured the target, it is 39cm across and 44cm long, approximately the same size as a three month old baby. If everyone else can stay on target, so can you. Don’t be a dick, Concerned Toilet Frequenter.

dear salient visual arts editor (simon) please bear my children. i’ve analysed a range of your genetically influenced traits and have surmised that you are the most genetically compatible match for me on the planet. of course you understand that the surgery required to prepare you for child bearing is incredibly invasive but i know that you will do this for me. you also

the how to issue

Libel Arts?

Pessimism is the wave. Gonna ride ‘til we die. Thanks for trying though.

Dear Salient,

k thx. Baby MoMA

Sincerely, A genuine actual graphologist

Dear Salient,

Never Magenta Hurt You

i write this letter as a plea. this letter is a plea to the readers of salient. this letter is a plea to the readers of salient to incite an urgent discussion. i mean like, can we talk about the amount of pink and baby blue in the o-week issue?

is immediately obvious to me that he has a history of sexually inappropriate ice cream consumption and I must express concern that such a person is allowed to occupy an influential position within student media. I hope that steps will be taken to ratify this error and secure the position of Salient within Wellington as a reputable and stable publication.

understand that post-children, i will have to kill you because anyone who identifies as male must be destroyed. much love always, your own radical feminist

Pen is hard Dear Salient, I think that it is truly woeful that before being appointed as Salient editors, your signatures were not assessed by a properly qualified panel. If this had been the case, I feel certain that it would have been evident that Cameron’s attempts to express rebellion via his slight slant to the left, in addition to the size of his C and P indicate a severe level of social disfunction. In regards to Duncan’s writing sample, it

Love, Victoria University Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences

Letter from a Mean Girl Salient, Get off our campus with your “I wish we could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy” hippy hillside vibes. YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE. Don’t think that just because we share an O-Week we want to read your magazine. We just wanted to use your bar. How dare you? Give us some mourning time. Massey Student

AMIâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Standard Contents Cover lets you choose how long youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re insured for and has a minimum sum insured of only $5,000. That means you can choose to insure just a few special things, like your laptop or furniture. So the only hard decision now is, what will you spend your gift card on? Ask us about contents cover on 0800 100 200.

AMI policy criteria, terms and conditions apply. Offer ends 11 April 2014. Promotion terms and conditions apply. www.salient.org.nz These can be found at ami.co.nz/noelstudent. Noel Leeming gift card terms and conditions apply. See www.noelleeming.co.nz

BY THE NUMBERS

After months of violent protest in Ukraine, President Viktor Yanukovych was ousted. The protesters, who want Ukraine to join the EU, opposed his pro-Russia stance. Yanukovych is currently on the run after being charged with the “mass murder of peaceful citizens” by the Ukrainian Government. He has also been accused of corruption. His net worth is estimated at $12 billion. 35 per cent of the population live under the poverty line.

TH R EE numbers of accidents involving a pedestrian and a bus on

M anners S t

in the past year

$ 14 . 2 5 the new minimum wage from

1 A pril

$500,000 C uba S t C arnival to be run by the W el C ity C ouncil at the end of M arch next year

the cost of the lington

25 CENTS the cost of a crack pipe in

V ancouver

from

C anada ’ s

first

crack - pipe vending machines

$ 15 7 the amount one student paid for a ticket to the

P arty

T oga

NEWS

ALLOCATION ALLOCATION ALLOCATION

RANKING SPANKING

TEC EXHIBITS LESS THAN MODEL BEHAVIOUR

VICTORIA FAILS TO MIND PS AND QS

by Simon Dennis

by Sophie Boot

niversities and students’ associations are alarmed at comments made by the chair of the Tertiary Education Commission that universities should be run like businesses. The Tertiary Education Commission, which is responsible for allocating $2.7 billion of funding across eight universities every year, is preparing to change from a competitive allocation model of funding to an investment model. The current model allocates money to universities primarily through the Student Achievement Component (SAC), which is government funding based both on the number of students enrolled in courses and the types of courses they are enrolled in. Universities are therefore in competition to attract students and the funding that comes with them. In 2013, the SAC received $2.04 billion. Certain courses, such as Engineering and Medicine, are allocated more money than others, such as Film and Art History. TEC Chair John Spencer said that the current system needed to change or else the Commission would cease to exist. “It’s become very bureaucratic and I don’t think it’s adding value where it should.” An investment model would require universities to “clearly articulate where they’re going and what their place is”, and to be run like businesses, Spencer said. “Those institutions that aren’t performing have to suffer.” Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins asked why New Zealand’s eight universities offer the same courses and whether anything was being done to change that. Spencer agreed that universities would need to specialise as New Zealand is small and has limited resources. VUWSA President Sonya Clark said that she was “alarmed and concerned” by the comments from the “out of touch” Tertiary Education Commission. “Universities are important learning communities with a duty to be the critic and conscience of society. Higher education needs to be cherished, not commoditised under a profit-driven model.” “Subjects such as English Literature contribute immensely to our understanding of society. Will English Literature be under threat if it can’t be tied to specific financial outcomes?” Clark asked. Universities New Zealand, which is handling university media comment on the matter, said that universities are not analogous to corporations “and should not be run like a business”. Universities New Zealand also criticised the changes in the context of recently announced government changes to university councils. “The world’s leading universities have councils that are larger than company boards and are not based on a business model. This is a strength, not a weakness.”

ictoria’s law school has dropped dramatically in international rankings, falling behind the University of Auckland and University of Otago and only just staying in the world’s top 50 universities for Law. The QS World Universities Rankings by Subject 2014, released last Wednesday, highlight the top 200 universities around the world for 30 popular subjects. In 2013, Victoria ranked first of all New Zealand universities for Law, coming in 19th in world rankings. The University of Auckland was ranked 24th, and the University of Otago 32nd. 2014 shows a decline for all three law schools in international rankings. Victoria’s Law ranking slipped to 49th, behind Auckland at 28th equal and University of Otago at 37th. Victoria was also downgraded in Modern Languages, Computer Science, Psychology and Political Science. However, Victoria ranked 31st in the world for English Language and Literature, up from 44th in 2013. Improvements were also shown in History, Chemistry and Sociology. QS subject rankings are determined by academic reputation, citations per faculty, and the h-index, which measures the productivity and impact of the published work of academics.

EYE ON EXEC

elcome to Eye on Exec! This fortnightly column will cover everything the VUWSA executive gets up to in its meetings – apart from the interesting bits, which they put in committee. Part of Salient’s mandate is to cover the actions VUWSA takes on behalf of the student body, in the interests of accountability. Nobody wants a repeat of the VUWSA where an officer was able to spend $4000 on calling psychic hotlines. Realistically, most of the people who read this column are the ones who already know everything that VUWSA is doing. To the first-years opening this magazine for the first time today: VUWSA fucks up sometimes, and we’ll tell you when they do. VUWSA does good shit sometimes, and we’ll tell you when they do. This column covers what comes in between. Salient attended VUWSA’s first executive meeting on 18 February. Much of the interesting stuff was put in committee (which means we can’t report on it). We learnt that VUWSA has so far successfully kept 16 carparks on Salamanca Rd which it leases to students, despite being challenged by people who felt it did not keep within the Town Belt plan. Changes to university councils, as reported in last week’s Salient, were discussed, and VUWSA concluded that a comprehensive response was necessary. VUWSA also discussed how best to continue funding representative groups which the University does not fund. They decided to largely continue with the funding model they had used last year. This went for around two and a half hours; then VUWSA broke for dinner. Salient will return in two weeks with more thrilling coverage of VUWSA executive meetings. Don’t go anywhere! www.salient.org.nz

NEWS

PUTTING THE ‘LOW’ IN ‘ALLOWANCE’

19 9 9

living costs were

COST OF LIVING GOES UP by Steph Trengrove

here is a growing disparity between the amount which tertiary students are able to borrow from the government from week to week, and the price of living, particularly in Wellington and Auckland. Since 1999, the quota has risen by $23 to the current amount of $173.56; a sum that Minister for Tertiary Education Steven Joyce says is in line with the rise in inflation, but critics say is insufficient for students to live on. VUWSA President Sonya Clark disputes the Minister’s claim that student loan sums have risen in line with inflation, calling Mr Joyce “out of touch” and saying that there existed a “desperate” need for loan amounts and course-related costs to increase. “If the Minister truly believes that it’s enough to live on, then I would challenge him to do so. I think he’d quickly find that it’s not even enough to cover the cost of a roof over his head.” “If he really wants to modernise our economy, then he needs to be ensuring the students are adequately supported to succeed.” Clark said that if students who depend on borrowing living costs do not have access to a sufficient amount, they tend to work “considerably” more hours that is recommended for someone in fulltime study. “This has a huge impact on their studies and seriously impacts the mental health of our country’s best brains,” said Clark. Third-year Victoria University student Lauren Bell agrees that the weekly loan allotment is simply not enough. Even borrowing the maximum amount each week, she is left with a mere $10 after rent to pay all her other costs. Only with the support of her parents can Bell afford to study fulltime without a job, a solution that she acknowledges is not available to many students. Despite this, Mr Joyce has emphasised that this year’s Budget will not be providing any more money to students, saying that the loan system in place is already “one of the most generous support systems in the world”. Labour’s Tertiary Education spokesman Grant Robertson said the entire loan and allowance system needed to be reviewed. However, Mr Joyce said these were “tough times for everybody” and he very much doubted that students were any worse off than in previous years.

the how to issue

$ 15 0 according to rbnz online inflation calculator, using standard cpi it should be

$ 214 however, it is only

$ 17 7 what that gets you

$ 18 3 . 3 3

average price of rent per bedroom within 15 minutes of university in WELLINGTON

$ 118 . 0 0

average price of rent per bedroom within 15 minutes of university in OTAGO

NEWS

BEST O-WEEK EVERRRRRRR

“Can’t believe how rowdy it was on Sunday night, a Sunday night here was busier than any club I’ve been to in Auckland, it was the best night ever.”

COMBINED O-WEEK A REAL CROWDPLEASER

was so busy, like something out of Ibiza

by Sophie Boot

ictoria’s first-years and returning students are making the most of O-Week, with the Toga Party, Baauer and David Dallas all selling out, and many more acts “well on the way”, according to VUWSA President Sonya Clark. The Toga Party, a yearly draw for firstyears, quickly sold all 1000 tickets available. Some were so keen to attend that they turned to Trade Me. ‘beatrix0356’ and ‘maddoggg’ battled it out, with Beatrix making the winning bid of $157. Given that tickets originally sold for $20, the real winner here was probably the seller. Clark said she was happy with how O-Week – which is this year being run in conjunction with MAWSA, the Massey Wellington Students’ Association – is going. “We’re really stoked with the demand for all shows across Orientation. Now that two of the big 1000-person shows are all sold out, students will need to be quick to make sure they get into a lot of the smaller shows!”

“We went to Hope Bros, oh my god it or something, it was so much fun.”

“To be honest, drinks are a bit

expensive so next year work on that, no one wants to come here and spend

$100.”

“I lost my ticket, got real upset but they let me in anyway, legend. The bar’s pretty slow but it’s good.” “O-Week has been helpful, all the I’ve been very drunk.”

tours and stuff, and

“I love it, it’s been a really good I’ve met heaps of new people, I danced so much my toga fell off.”

night,

“It was my birthday yesterday… I had ID before but I think a lot of people go through that phase… I jumped the fence in Hope Bros, which I hear is like a shit place to go, I’m a first-year so I feel that I can do that.” a fake

“Sonya! I remember you from the talk! I will come into VUWSA!” “Hi, where’s your toga? Want to [News Editor’s note: No.]

share mine?”

STUDENTS SEE PLUSES AND MINUSES ‘C-MINUSES GET DEGREES’ NOT AS CATCHY by Sophie Boot

tudents returning to classes at Victoria this week will be doing so under a new grading system which will bring Victoria’s grades in line with other New Zealand universities. The changes will create a C– grade, which will be the lowest possible grade for a pass and in the mark range of 50–54 per cent. It will also revise all other grades up by five per cent, so that an A+ grade will now be equated with 90 per cent or higher. Previously, students were awarded an A+ for 85 per cent or higher. This percentage distribution is in line with other universities. When they were proposed last year, the grade changes were criticised by staff and students alike, and were pushed back from the Academic Board to the Academic Committee for further review. The proposal was returned to the Board along with an implementation plan, and passed in an Academic Board meeting held on 26 September 2013. Much of the student concern was directed at whether it would become harder to pass courses. The Academic Committee will review grade distribution across the University after Trimester One and Trimester Two this year. The changes are detailed in the new assessment handbook, available online at http://www.victoria.ac.nz/documents/policy/ staff-policy/assessment-handbook.pdf.

www.salient.org.nz

NEWS

STUDENTS CUT UP OVER CUTS

CUTS TO POSTGRAD ALLOWANCES HIT STUDENTS HARD

WARM, DRY, NOT QUITE YET

GOVERNMENT GETS COLD FEET ON HOUSING WOF by Jamie Neikrie

by Sofia Roberts

uts to postgraduate allowances have lead to hardship for 75 per cent of postgraduate Psychology students, and have precluded some from postgraduate study altogether. The changes to student-allowance eligibility were announced in the 2012 Budget and implemented early last year. Postgraduate students are no longer able to access Student Allowance, and must now borrow for living costs. VUWSA President Sonya Clark said that postgraduate students were less able to take on part-time work to top up their living costs, as postgraduate courses are often more demanding. She also noted that “forcing postgraduate students to borrow to live instantly means they have less access to around $40 a week,” than if they were getting Student Allowance. “Postgraduates also often have extra costs for their study, such as travel for research or large amounts of required professional work experience, which places more demands on their money and time,” Clark said. Concerns have also been raised by the New Zealand Psychological Society and the New Zealand College of Clinical Psychologists as to the effect of these cuts on postgraduate Psychology students. Psychology has a minimum study requirement of a master’s with a postgraduate diploma. There is a severe shortage of psychologists in New Zealand, and the role is featured on Immigration New Zealand’s Long Term Skill Shortage List. Final-year Psychology students work 32 hours a week in unpaid internships as well as having a full course load. A survey conducted by the New Zealand Psychology Society found that 75 per cent of the 556 students surveyed said that the cutting of postgraduate allowances would negatively affect them. Māori students were particularly adversely affected, with 82 per cent of Māori students who were planning to enter postgraduate study saying the changes would affect their decision adversely. VUWSA has been in contact with students who have been unable to continue with postgraduate study after the changes. Clark said VUWSA was particularly concerned with the effect of the changes on students from disadvantaged backgrounds. “It is crucial that postgraduate study isn’t just available to those who can afford it; otherwise, we’ll see increasing inequality in the graduate outcomes of students,” Clark said.

the how to issue

tudents will be left to freeze for another winter after Minister of Housing Nick Smith announced last week that the Government “has not made any decisions” about private rental Warrants of Fitness. The Minister announced last week that the Government will begin a Warrant of Fitness trial for state housing in New Zealand. However, there is no plan at this time to bring the Warrant of Fitness to private housing. “Our first duty is to ensure our own house is in order,” said Smith. The Warrant of Fitness programme looks to ensure that New Zealand rental housing is insulated, safe, and provides essential amenities. It would require all rental properties to be inspected regularly by trained inspectors to ensure they meet set standards. Mayor Celia Wade-Brown announced a local Bill for rental warrants of fitness as one of the ‘key planks’ of her successful campaign for re-election in 2013. The Bill must now be passed by the Wellington City Council before local MP Grant Robertson can take it to Parliament to be voted into law. VUWSA is continuing the work begun by 2013’s President, Rory McCourt, in supporting the Bill. VUWSA’s Welfare Vice-President, Rick Zwaan, said they would work hard on getting the Bill through in the first trimester, as political focus will shift to the upcoming general election later in the year. However, he said the timeframe will depend on how fast it gets through the WCC. Between now and July, the Government will survey 500 Housing New Zealand homes as a sample to determine the quality of all state housing. Smith said that the Government hopes to “assess every Housing New Zealand home on a rolling three-year basis.” “This Government is committed to improving the quality of housing to help achieve our goals of better social, health and educational outcomes for New Zealanders,” Smith said. On a national level, Labour’s Healthy Homes Guarantee Bill will bring the topic back up for debate soon, after it was pulled from the member’s-bill ballot late last year. Zwaan said the Bill was good, but lacks necessary enforcement which is contained in the local Bill.

NEWS

IT’S JUST A LITTLE PRICK

“AND STAY OUT!”

NEW STUDENTS ENCOURAGED TO GET MENINGOCOCCAL VACCINATION

SCIENCE FACULTY ADAPTS TO NEW ENVIRONMENT; GROWS NEW WING

GOVERNMENT GIVES THE FINGER TO DEBT-RIDDEN EXPAT STUDENTS

by Francesca Shepard

by Sophie Boot

s the new academic year begins, students living in communal accommodation are reminded they are in a high-risk group for contracting meningococcal disease. Meningococcal disease, a serious bacterial infection, can cause death or permanent disability. The bacteria that cause the disease can be transmitted by sneezing or coughing, making it easily spread among people living in close proximity, such as students in halls. Jo Goodhew, Associate Minister of Health, has warned students not to assume they will be immune to meningococcal, even if they have been immunised in the past. “The immunisation campaign in the 2000s was a short-term measure to end the epidemic of strain B of the meningococcal disease,” said Goodhew. However, in New Zealand, the C strain is responsible for just over half of the cases among teenagers and young adults. Menigococcal is difficult to diagnose as early symptoms, such as fevers, headaches and joint or muscle pains, can be mistaken for influenza. Dr Garry Brown, Medical Director at Student Health Services, said that Student Health endorses Ministry of Health recommendations that students get immunised. “Student who want to get immunised should make a normal doctor’s appointment to discuss the options available and make an informed choice,” he said. “We want students to know that the Student Health Service takes all health issues seriously and encourage them to take a look at our health guide online.” The Student Health Services guide is available at http://www.victoria.ac.nz/ studenthealth/. Information about meningococcal immunisation can be found at http://www.victoria.ac.nz/studenthealth/ guide/meningitis.aspx

he University has made plans to spend up to $100 million on a new School of Biological Sciences at the Kelburn campus. The building plans must first go through a financial-feasibility study to gain approval from the University Council, as well as resource consent, before any decision is made to proceed. If resource consent is granted, the proposed new building will be built in front of the Alan MacDiarmid Building at the top of Kelburn Parade. It would have four storeys and 12,000 square metres of space. The University has said that the upgrade is necessary as student numbers in the school are growing and the current facilities are insufficient. Director of Campus Services, Jenny Bentley, said that biological sciences are “a key strategic research and teaching area for Victoria.” “While the School of Biological Sciences is the national research leader in its discipline, the existing biological-science facilities in the Kirk Building are inadequate and not fit for purpose,” she said. The Kirk Building has failed to meet the University’s seismic rating or health and safety standards, and is considered by the University to be “a deterrent to staff recruitment and student retention.” If the project does proceed, construction is likely to start in late 2014, with an expectation of completion early in 2018.

ZUSA and VUWSA have expressed disappointment with the passage of the Student Loan Amendment Bill, which will enable the IRD to arrest overseas-based borrowers at the border for failing to repay their Student Loan debt. The Bill passed its third reading by 61 votes to 60. It will create a fixed repayment obligation for overseas-based borrowers, in line with obligations for New Zealand– based borrowers, and increase the repayment rates for borrowers with loans of more than $45,000. It will also give the IRD the ability to seek an arrest warrant for borrowers who persistently refuse to repay their loans. Minister of Revenue Todd McClay has said that this would be done “only after Inland Revenue has exhausted all other efforts to persuade the borrower to make repayments.” NZUSA President Daniel Haines has called the bill “gimmicky”, and said the Government’s lack of interest in reducing the level of overseas student debt is disappointing. “Treasury advice is that the changes are actually likely to increase default rates, and officials from IRD have also said they were not predicting an increase in student repayments, despite proposing to spend $600,000 in one-off costs in updating airport screening capacity,” said Haines. VUWSA President Sonya Clark said that the best way to encourage loan repayment would be to introduce positive incentives. “Treating overseas-based borrowers like criminals is likely to lead to New Zealand students with student loans staying permanently away from New Zealand if they are worried or unsure about their loan status. We don’t think that it is effective.”

www.salient.org.nz

NEWS

NEWS OF THE WORLD

audi Arabia now has its first female newspaper editor, with Somayya Jabarti becoming the boss at the Saudi Gazette, a daily newspaper in English. Jabarti is a former deputy editor at the paper, which has a circulation of 50,000. She will head up a staff where 17 of the 20 reporters are female, though the paper’s senior editorial roles are mainly held by men. Women are still banned from driving in the kingdom, but were permitted in April 2013 to ride bicycles or motorbikes as long as it is for recreation rather than as a mode of transport.

oldly going where Sleep Cycle fears to tread, founders of mobile app Spreadsheet have released the sexual statistics of 10,000 users across the USA. Spreadsheet uses a phone’s accelerometer to measure duration, thrusts and decibel peak, which the creators say “entices users to have some fun with their partner and share in that afterglow experience, while encouraging open dialog and feedback.” The data of 10,000 early adopters reveals average duration of intercourse to range from 1 minute 21 seconds in Alaska, to, for minimally disappointing sex, New Mexico coming in tops with an average of 7 minutes 1 second.

SLOW NEWS WEEK

ormally, this feature will show pointless-but-funny stories the New Zealand media have reported on. Not this week. This was a surprisingly revolting column, even by the standards of the paper which publishes Bob Jones every week. Suggesting Charlotte Dawson committed suicide in order to preserve her “glamorous brand” is false, vile and irresponsible.

the how to issue

isitors to Antwerp, Belgium, have the option to stay in Hotel CasAnus, designed to look like a human colon. The one-room hotel, which costs 120 euros per night to stay in, was originally a sculpture, but has been renovated and now sits in the Verbeke Foundation Art Park. The hotel’s owners, Geert and Carla Verbeke-Lens, say it is extremely popular with couples. “You will find no flamboyant sensational buildings here, but rather a refreshing, unpretentious place to look at art and a subtle criticism of the art world,” Geert said. Subtle would not be the word I would use, butt perhaps I just don’t understand modern art.

NEWS

Seriously

Social WELLINGTON CENTRAL

233 Victoria Street Ph (04) 801 8805 www.facebook.com/themillwgtn

In association with ZM

ZM’S MINISTRY OF SOUNDS RADIO SESSIONS DJ’S Featuring

General Lee & Mikael Wills

FRIDAY 7TH MARCH | 9PM @ JAMES SMITH BASEMENT

PRESALES: STUDENTS - $10 G/A - $15 BUY TICKETS WWW.DASHTICKETS.CO.NZ

NOTE: STUDENT ID REQUIRED UPON ENTRY FOR STUDENT TICKETS www.vuwsa.org.nz 14

the how to issue

www.facebook.com/vuwsa

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

VUWSA

PRESIDENT’S COLUMN

o Stuff. Welcome to the second week of Orientation! We’ve had heaps of sell-out shows for Orientation so far so check in to the VUWSA Facebook page to keep up to date with the shows happening this week. Last week, I told the first years in Kelburn Park that they needed to get out and do stuff during their time at Vic. If you’re returning for the second year, or have been here so long that the idea of doing anything other than turning up to your office or lab or lecture scares you, I implore you to hear me out. This is the time of year to get out there and do things slightly different than you did in 2013. The start of uni is a time when most other people are open to new people and things. In six weeks it might be seen as weird to start chatting to the babe in your class, whereas this week it’s completely okay. In eight weeks joining the Rec Centre may seem scary, whereas in the next few weeks everyone else in Zumba or Yoga will be equally new and uncoordinated. If you’ve ever thought about writing for Salient, its easy to get on the mailing list. Even if you’re happy with the group of friends you’ve had since Weir in 2010, its always good to extend the people you can say hi to around the place. This week is also Clubs Week! On Tuesday and Wednesday the Hub will be packed with over 90 Clubs, Societies and Representative Groups who will have lollies to tempt you (no other food ‘cause Vic has banned free food in the Hub L) As a keen first year, I made the rookie mistake of writing my email address down on the sheet of every Club I found interesting – then was both confused and annoyed when 20 emails a week flooded my inbox. Don’t make my mistake. But DO check out the huge range of social, political, religious, sports and… other Clubs on campus. For those returning to Vic, VUWSA has moved! We’re now where the old Vicbooks was at the top of the Student Union Building. We’ve got heaps planned this year so make sure you join VUWSA to receive your FREE membership card (with discounts and deals around the city on it) FREE wallplanner and FREE Orientation bag of free stuff. Around Vic this week, we’ll be there with the notorious summer barbeque, giant board games, an international food festival and an outside lounge to chill out in the sun. Come say hi to the people in the green tshirts. Make sure you Do Stuff in 2014. Over and out,

Son ya M: 027 563 6986 | DDI: 04 463 6986 E: sonya.clark@vuw.ac.nz W: www.vuwsa.org.nz @sonya_NZ

Daniel Haines NZUSA President

tudents are a powerful force in New Zealand. As students, we are change-makers. We push intellectual barriers, question tradition and challenge the status quo – such is the staple of a healthy university culture. Students over the generations have put in place the infrastructure to support this culture. Your students’ association, VUWSA, has a proud 115-year history. VUWSA is also a member of the national students’ organisation – the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA), which was founded in 1929. The idea of doing things together and being able to speak with one student voice where we agree is one way that both VUWSA and NZUSA work tirelessly for you. The hot money is on a General Election being held in September of this year. Colmar Brunton’s latest survey shows that concern about education is currently the most important election issue. This is a fantastic combination that allows for the promotion and implementation of pro-student policy. Students are never more powerful than during an election year: our collective civil activities could make or unmake governments, and as political parties will be desperate to win the ‘student vote’, good policies will be developed as a consequence. Some similar good policies NZUSA has won for students: universal student allowances at the level of the unemployment benefit (1988), Community Service Cards for students (1992), a freeze on tuition fees (2000), fee maxima (2003), interest-free student loans (2005), rejection of applications to raise fees by twice the permitted level (2005, 2011, 2012), restrictions on increases of compulsory student services fees (2010), and Labour/Greens committing to a university student allowance (2011). Students also have a proud history of looking beyond our own interests and acting as New Zealand’s social conscience. We were at the forefront of anti-nuclear activities, Homosexual Law Reform and the anti–Vietnam War teach-ins and street marches. The nation was divided in 1981, but we can be proud of the ‘Stop the Tour Action Committee’ which led and organised numerous demonstrations against apartheid. Thousands of Victoria students protested the privatisation of education in the 1990s, circling Parliament, and dozens even were prepared to get arrested for the cause. When students think back on their time at university, what they tend to remember are the things that they did outside of their studies. They will be the co-curricular activities that they participated in and the people they met. The clubs, the friends, the leadership roles, the community activity. As students, we are often lucky not to have dependents, mortgages and full-time jobs. This affords us the freedom to participate in things many people are too time-deprived to undertake. president@students.org.nz | 021 567 696

www.salient.org.nz

Parliamentary Sass of the Week “I say to Chief Inspector Clouseau, no.” John Key to Trevor Mallard on whether Peter Dunne leaked the Kitteridge Report.

Ramblin gs o f a fallen h ack

hey seem nice enough, handing out Fruit Bursts and well-designed pamphlets. I’m here to tell you that they aren’t. This week, Victoria’s politicised youth will stand waving from their trestle tables as part of the University’s Clubs Week. You will approach and sign your name to their clipboard. You will receive an email about an upcoming meeting and – if only for the free pizza – you will attend. Too soon, you’ll be delivering leaflets and telephoning donors and mastering the sass with which you will shout down the other side. Too soon, you will have become a hack. Don’t worry. I understand. You want to make the world a better place. The problem is that politics does not. Let’s ignore the inevitable arrogance of politics – the certainty with which hacks stand by their beliefs, the disdain for the deluded who somehow disagree. Let’s pretend you, the undergraduate primarily informed by ranty blogs and parents’ lectures, really know the answers so many have missed. You still can’t believe you will matter. In 2011, the election was won by 93,000 votes. In 2005, the closest in recent history, Labour beat National by 45,000. That’s a lot of people. To think delivering a few leaflets will change anything is to suffer from megalomaniacal delusion.

You still can’t forget the cowardice. We live under a managerial state where anything that would actually matter is instantly discredited as radicalism. Governments don’t really differ that much – they talk big in opposition, but once in charge they listen to the same bullshitting bureaucrats and the same small-minded focus groups. Idealism cowers in the company of power. If you want to make people’s lives better, go help in the metaphorical soup kitchen. Do a first-aid course. Volunteer for Women’s Refuge or coach a kid’s football team. Work another job and donate the wages to charity. Spend more time looking after those who need you. It’s easy to make the world better. But politics is fun. The gossip is fun – the incompetence of some mid-level functionary, the cabinet minister fucking a journalist. Campaigns are fun – military logistics of leafleting, message and data and design. More than anything, it’s nice to know how the world needs to be. To be political is to have a tribe, a pedestal from which you can observe the ignorance of the others. Tribalism is comfort; politics is fun. It’s easy to assume that enjoyment implies purpose, but that’s not how life works. Go on, sign up and make friends and shout loudly about problems to which only you have the solution. Go on, become a hack. Just don’t pretend you’re doing it for me.

by Jade d’Hack

the how to issue

T o p 5 M P s l i k e ly t o g e t sent out of the parliamentary debating chamber in 2014 1.

Winston Peters - This sly old argumentative fox never gives up on a point of order. 2. Trevor Mallard - Knows the Standing Orders better than his bicycle. Loves a scrap, like Winston. 3. Tau Henare - National’s nosiest backbencher. 4. Gerry Brownlee - The Leader of The House has been ejected before for refusing to concede a point. 5. David Cunliffe - To raise his media profile, if nothing else.

Laws being voted on this week Appropriation (2012/13 Financial Review) Bill Appropriations (spending) for government departments based on last year’s Budget. Electoral Amendment Bill A bill aimed at making voting easier and increasing voter turnout. Building (Earthquake-prone Buildings) Amendment Bill Changing the law to force building owners to bring buildings up to code. Victims of Crime Reform Bill This bill amends legislation so as to implement the Government’s reform package for victims of crime.

B y J o r d a n M c C lu s k e y

The I ntrepid V C G u i lf o r d E P I S O D E 1 : A M A N W I T H A M I S S I O N

irstly, I should mention the following columns will be a reconstruction of events confided in me by Jakob Petersen, a diffident and weasley Dane, who swears the following is 100 per cent true and without a fib. Let’s begin. Last week, the group of uneasy-looking individuals that make up University management were waiting in an office somewhere in the Hunter building. Petersen entered this room and croaked, “He’s here,” followed closely by the he in question, a man wearing Aviators and a brown leather jacket, who stopped and surveyed the room slowly. Movers wandered into the room carrying a wingback chair upholstered in crocodile skin, which they placed behind a formidable partners’ desk at the opposite end of the room. The man watched the movers leave carefully. Then he said, “Good morning Staff!” He spoke like a farmer from somewhere south-east of Hamilton, a bit like Muldoon, except much kinder and with a greater love for life. “I’m your new Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford, and I’m here to talk edju-cayshun. None of this trimming-aroundthe-bikini-line Pat Walsh bullshit, but a fullon Brazilian waxing of varsity management.” The staff started acting a little shifty. “Now, the only problem is, we have to give this edju-cay-shun to someone, and that means students.” Someone coughed. Students! The last thing anyone wanted to hear about! Faculty budgets, great, performance-based research funds, even better, but students? Petersen spoke up, “The thing is, Sir, that – well – I suppose we’ve been ignoring students for the better part of five years.” Guilford stamped his foot. I forgot to

mention that he was wearing motorcycle boots despite reportedly having driven to University in a 2002 Nissan Lancer. “God damn it Petersen, you think I don’t know that? Look where it’s got ya. They hate you. They think you’re the runny bit in the middle of a cow shit that’s gone hard in the sun.” Guilford looked from staff member to staff member. “But I have a plan.” More silence. He continued, “Look – the trouble with students is they’re not very commune-a-ca-tive. To find out what they want, so that we can give it to them, to help them ‘Know Their Minds’, so to speak, we have to infiltrate the student body.” “By establishing an overtly bureaucratic committee without the sanction of students and claiming it as their primary representative group?“ asked Robert from accounts. “What? You’d have to be a lunatic to try pull that one. No, what we gotta do is find ourselves a mole. Someone on the ground.” “Aren’t all moles on the ground?” said Casey, a sarcastic and spiteful woman from admissions. “Well yes, a mole needs to be on the ground or they wouldn’t give you any information I guess.” Casey persisted, “Where would a mole be if it wasn’t on the ground?” “In a zoo perhaps?” chimed in Petersen. Guilford: “We can’t go round putting students in zoos, Petersen: people would notice.” “I think Casey was referring to the mole the animal, not a spy on the inside.” “Is that right, Casey?” said Guilford. “Don’t mind her,” said Robert. “She’s just a sarcastic and spiteful woman from admissions.”

There is a lot of tension between Robert and Casey, the history of which might be useful to know later. Robert thought Casey was sarcastic and spiteful from the moment he first met her. Casey, only being interested in herself and upon recognising that he was a separate entity, took an immediate dislike to Robert. Then a strange thing on Tinder (you may be asking why two 30-somethings may be using Tinder, but that would be the emotional maturity of management for you). One night, Casey accidentally ‘liked’ Robert, while, almost simultaneously, Robert accidentally liked Casey. They both, being rather lonely people, and this being the first match for either of them and thinking that the other’s interest was genuine, figured they should at least ‘follow through’. They dated for nearly a year before either of them discovered the relationship was based entirely on false pretences. Guilford strolled through the crowd and sat in the wingback chair. “But Sir, where are we going to find a student who will cooperate?” asked Petersen. Guilford put his feet on the desk. “Oh, I know a place where we can find plenty of sue-ta-bul candidates.” The thing about Guilford is that despite being a bristly, scratchy sort of person, he really does only want to help. But still, it’s my personal view that attending the Toga Party, to find a mole with little-to-no coverage of his right nipple, and with Petersen following in suit, with little-to-no coverage of his left nipple, was misguided. However, that part of this saga will have to wait another week.

by Hugo McKinnon

www.salient.org.nz

B E I N G W E L L

ectures. Tutorials. Course Outlines. Assignments. Exams. Work. Bills. Friends. Relationships. Homesickness. Whether you are a first-year, or a returning student, getting back into ‘uni mode’ can leave you feeling very overwhelmed. Matt – a second-year student – told me a story most of us can relate to. He was intent on turning over a new leaf – “finally” he would be organised. Everything could be done – study notes, readings, assignments, and, finding time to enjoy university life. He had it all sorted out, and sat down at his desk to write up a plan. As soon as he was seated, Matt began to ponder all the other things he felt he needed to do. He realised that somehow he needed to fit in his various commitments – work, family, sport, friends – around his new “brilliant” study plan. Matt tried to figure out how to do this and froze, staring blankly at his desk. Then he went on Facebook for a couple of hours. Matt’s withdrawal from an overwhelming situation is common to the human experience. There are only a certain number of things we can concentrate on at one time. When we have too many tasks – especially ones we deem of equal importance – our brain gets jammed. Think about trying to watch TV, cook, text, and talk to someone about something important. Telling yourself to “focus” won’t help, because you already have too much information to focus on. So, what can you do? When feeling overwhelmed, it is of utmost importance to free up the ‘brain jam’. Stop, and take a few deep breaths. Only focus on the feeling of the air entering and leaving your lungs. Once you have calmed down and cleared the blockage, remember that in reality, the feeling of busyness is really just completing one task after another. To reduce any emotional tension, my tip is to do a familiar, ‘easy’ task first. By doing so, you will help your mind to focus on one – not multiple – tasks. Once completed, you will be ready to focus on doing one harder task. It would also helpful to consider what tasks you could do with others to help lighten the load. Finally, it is important to take action and be present; take one day at a time. Often, our situation becomes more overwhelming the longer time passes; hence, it is imperative to make plans on how we will accomplish various tasks. You’ll be surprised at how quickly your to-do list shortens when you focus your attention on one thing at a time!

Rac he l Rie de l Wellbeing Educator Student Counselling Service

the how to issue

M AO R I M AT T E R S

ei ngā māitiiti kua tae tata mai, kua tae tawhiti mai ki Te Whare Wānanga o Te Upoko o te Ika a Maui ki te ako i ngā tini kaupapa hei painga ano mō tatau, tēnā koutou. Kei ngā ikaa-Whiro kua hoki mai ki tenei whare wānanga a tatau, ka nui ngā mihi kia kotou, otira tatau. Welcome fledglings, from across the nation, to VUW! If you’re keen, there is a Kapa Haka Meeting/Waiata Hour this Monday at 4.30 pm in the Ngāi Tauira Common Rooms. Everyone is welcome! The Ngāi Tauira Executive would like to welcome all Ngāi Tauira members to our Annual General Meeting that’ll be held on 20 March at 6 pm. Nau mai haere mai! Kapa Haka beforehand, kai and drinks afterwards. Come. Plz. First year can be challenging; new lifestyle, people, places. But it can also be epic if you want it to be. We’ve combined our years of experience to come up with some ways how. HOW TO: DO FIRST YEAR AS A MĀORI STUDENT 1.

2. 3.

4. 5. 6. 7.

Don’t judge people on how they spend their course-related costs. In return, they may judge you less about your life choices. Turn up to NT events, so you’re first on the list when it comes to Huinga Tauira selection. Even if you think you won’t need it, just pack that raincoat. The Fresher Five you gain is harder to notice under more layers anyway. Use the Student Support services around campus. Most likely you have helped pay for them. That includes Mauri Ora. Especially if you’ve been too ‘Mauri ora’ down there lately. Check out Te Herenga Waka Marae; it may well become your home away from home these next few years. Learn to enjoy climbing hills.

We’ll be in the Hub Tuesday to Thursday, so come sign up with us if you haven’t already. We have a performance in the Hub at 12 pm on Tuesday. Make sure to check out our new Ngāi Tauira Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/ngaitauiraVUW

B E N T

nother year, even more queer! Or less queer, because one of the Co-Presidents is straight… Hi folks! Sami and Connor here, your co-presidents of UniQ for 2014. Sami is really excited to be working with Connor this year to bring forward some awesome activities and opportunities for everyone involved with UniQ. She loves discussing all sorts with anyone, and is super-passionate about equal rights and furthering opportunities for the queer (or LGBTIQ+ if you prefer) community. Connor is miffed that his description is second; he also wonders why he’s using the third person. Nevertheless, he’s very excited to help make UniQ into an awesome social hub for students of all identities. He’s always up for a chat, and will be often found hanging out with the UniQ crew in the Hub. We’re really excited to be working with our awesome executive this year to bring you all some great social opportunities and even more of our lunch spaces in the Hub (12 pm every Wednesday). We’ve recently returned from the NXT:14 LGBT Young Leaders Conference which was full of informative and fun sessions, and lots of generosity from the US Embassy (thanks Obama!). The conference especially highlighted the issues and problems that some of our trans* and intersex students may be facing, and we are all eager to formulate some strategies to make everyone feel more welcome at our UniQ events, and university in general. Last year saw a meeting between UniQ and the Student Health staff with regards to queer sexual health and how best to address any issues that may arise. The staff there are super-supportive, so if you weren’t feeling too sure about it, they have the (what I call) co-presidential tick of approval. So if you were wondering how best to get involved with UniQ for the year, coming along to lunch spaces is a great start to get to know everyone in a relaxed and informal setting. Also, we will be around on Clubs Week, so come and find us and say hi, and add your name to our mailing list. Additionally, we’re going to be having a few events throughout each trimester, so keep an eye on University noticeboards for our fantastic posters (shout out to Jonny our Comms Officer!). Good luck for your first week (or first week back!) and if you’re having any worries or concerns, please don’t hesitate to send us an email! Sa m i P oy nt er- M ello rs & C onnor T h o m ps o n uniqvictoria@gmail.com

www.salient.org.nz

the how to issue

www.salient.org.nz

the how to issue

We now have the entirety of human knowledge at our fingertips. Thanks to Google, you can find out how to do anything. All you need is internet access. Is there a catch? Salient investigates.

o doubt if your neighbour muttered, “Necessity is the mother of invention,” as you requested a fork instead of the customary chopsticks at Oriental Kingdom, you’d think they were a bit of a wanker. Even more so if they felt the need to go on and tell you, “Plato said that.” While in the pre-internet era this may have suggested that your neighbour was well read, in the present day we have to be more skeptical; with random information available at the click of a button, it’s hard to tell whether people really understand the things they say. The modern reliance on Google as an Insider’s Guide to Life is such that, in 2006, the word ‘google’ transcended its boundaries as a noun and was included in the Oxford English Dictionary as a verb. If you still don’t know what a verb is after years of primary school spent learning the various parts of speech, google it. Google makes learning a democratic process; it presents a level playing field for anyone with uncensored internet access seeking information, without the application of bias based on wealth or social status. Higher education is no longer limited to those with the means to attend large institutions. This is exactly what Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin set out to achieve: “to organise the world’s information and make it universally accessible and useful.” While once upon a time individuals educated with particular skill sets could extort the untrained by charging exorbitant rates for their services, Google now provides unwitting first-year flatters with the knowhow to unclog hair from their shower drain. We can all be a handyperson, no matter what our parents taught us. As a consequence, it seems that professionals need to specialise in trickier, or niche, areas in order to ensure continued relevance and employment.

With increased levels of education across the board, the chances of mistaking the plumber’s reference to the S-bend as a weird sexual advance is diminished. This can only be a good thing, right? While it’s one thing to say that information is widely accessible, as the founders intended, it’s another to say that the fruits of Google are properly harvested. Genuine understanding requires more effort than the selection of key words and the click of a button. Appropriate use of search results requires a basic level of understanding upon which to build. WebMD, a website which

Increasingly, it seems, we rely on Google to instruct even the most banal tasks of daily life – the most frequently searched “how to” term is currently “how to tie a tie”

provides “valuable health information” (its greatest function being diagnosing any symptoms you enter into Google), is ultimately of limited use to uneducated sick people searching for the cause of their nausea. Without ‘proper’ medical education, and equipped with little more than the results of a Google search, it’s difficult to avoid a conclusion of anything milder than cancer or pregnancy. As per the whole point of university education, you don’t know what you don’t know until you’re told or tested. Without some external provision of expert guidance or instruction from the likes of teachers or lecturers, Google users are left to aimlessly wander the online landscape and drown

in a sea of information. We’re likely to misdiagnose ourselves, or drink alcohol with antibiotics because someone on a forum said it was fine three years ago. Sometimes there really is no substitute for years of specialised education and training. If we believed there were, we probably wouldn’t be here now. Increasingly, it seems, we rely on Google to instruct even the most banal tasks of daily life – the most frequently searched “how to” term is currently “how to tie a tie”. Either ties are the new black, or people are no longer bothered with the art of the Windsor knot – instead turning to YouTube every morning for instructions on how to dress themselves. It no longer seems necessary to remember the procedure of basic activities – the internet provides a communal memory bank for an imagined community of googlers. So what does this mean for Plato’s claim that necessity is the mother of invention? If Google can tell us how to tie a tie, what’s the point in trying to find a new, easier, or just plain different way of doing things? If creativity in the simplest of exercises diminishes, there’s an argument that our ability to be innovative, technologically and socially, will follow suit. But this isn’t necessarily the case. Leaving the memory of tying ties and making pancakes to Google allows more brain space (technical term) to concentrate on emotional intelligence, innovation, and to focus on aspects of life beyond the scope of a search engine – such as details of social interactions and relationships. Then again, at the rate we’re progressing, perhaps you’ll soon be able to google what your partner was really thinking when they said they were “fine” at breakfast this morning.

www.salient.org.nz

HOW TO

REMAIN A MAJOR PLAYER IN YOUR OWN LIFE By Hilary Beattie and Samantha Morris 24

the how to issue

s you may have gleaned thus far, being ‘you’, or perhaps simply ‘being’, is tricky to avoid and easy to screw up. The beginning of another university year (or for some, the first – enjoy STAT193, all too many of you) means that the whole business becomes laced with an air of foreboding and the latent danger of self-discovery. People here offer you things, be they drugs, neoliberal economics, or copies of the Bhagavad Gita. They will tell you things: about spiritual freedom, economic ‘freedom’, or freedom from garlic and onion for only $5 a plate in the Hunter courtyard. If you’re anything like the two of us, you’ll find yourself eating curry in the hub with smudged mascara and a copy of The Economist that you can’t remember buying. Are you in control of your own life? Are you still its major player? What is it like, being the major player in your own life? Maybe it’s ‘the feeling of sitting down at a pot luck and feeling as though you’ve brought more than food to the table.’ The extra stuff being you. The broad feeling that you’re balancing all your balls in the air (oh, grow up). That this is being co-authored is sort of contradictory—we aren’t even the major players on this page. A more obvious objection is that in taking life advice from this particular pair of unqualified crones, you have forfeited precious time you could have spent ‘working on yourself ’. Not so, we say. Not so. This was originally going to be a column about how to make friends. Figuring that, since we are friends, we qualified as experts. Making the right friends is something which is fairly crucial to you being your own kingpin, anyway, so we managed to get it in here. The people you’re hopefully surrounded by will be there for you

while you try to stay on top of everything, rather than taking it away from you or making you feel as though you don’t deserve it. So often, though, the impetus to befriend is found in an ‘OMG you like that obscure Tasmanian shoegaze album, so do I!’ moment, a moment about a thing that you share. Seeking out, and relating to, other people only through ‘things’ you can name and ostensibly bond over will get you only so far before you realise you might need more from your friends. A similarity in how you talk about or think about the things, rather than of the things themselves. That feeling right there, recognising something like that, is an example of you not letting people overwhelm you with their THINGS. Being on top of your own shit. Letting what other people do overwhelm you by comparing yourself to them, whether they’re people you know or people who do something you aspire to (or both – the worst) is a fruitless exercise. Case in point: one of us is getting a Master’s degree and the other is spending two grand on an ingrown-toenail operation. Our dynamic remains balanced – figuratively if not literally, as it turns out one’s big toe makes a difference. As we descend upon the part where a take-home point might go, it becomes necessary to disclose that in writing this, we discovered a boundary of our friendship – that only one of us is concerned with having a take-home point. Perhaps we should have shortcircuited that new Vic course and just written ‘how to answer the Treaty question in your next interview’ after all. Maybe we should take solace that in hanging out with one another, procrastinating loudly, and eventually writing things that sound vaguely polished but are in fact devoid of a real point, we are setting ourselves up perfectly for another year of uni work. The bullshit train leaveth the station! www.salient.org.nz

o preface this column, I would like to paternalistically offer one piece of advice that should supercede the following column – don’t start smoking, and if you do smoke do your utmost to quit. Seriously. The government doesn’t put those gross pictures on the packets for its own perverse amusement. On the other hand, I ain’t your goddamn parents. So, without further ado, I present to you a couple of tricks of the smoking trade that will hold you in good stead – like riding a bicycle, learning how to roll is a skill that you will never unlearn.

by Dan K Budd

the how to issue

igarette prices, as any smoker will bemoan at length, are exorbitant – a decent pack will set you back nigh-on 20 bucks. The good news is that pouches are much more cost-effective. A 30 gram ‘pouch’ of tobacco, which retails at about 40, will generate anywhere between about 70 and 100 cigarettes depending on your rolling style. You’ll need to buy some accoutrements with it – filters and papers, commonly shortened to ‘papes’. If you’re just learning to roll, I’d recommend starting with yellow Zig-Zag papers and ‘yellow’ filters, as these are the easiest to learn with and don’t break easily, although as you become proficient you may want to switch (many smokers swear by Rizlas, for example). To begin: curl the paper with your fingers so there’s an enclave in the paper. Place the tobacco in first, leaving enough space at the end of your dominant hand to place the filter in later. Then, using your thumb on on one side and index + middle finger on the other, make a rolling motion. You should feel the tobacco start to compress.

After doing this for about five seconds, slide the filter into the end of the cigarette and repeat the ‘rolling’ motion until everything looks even. Here comes the tricky part – roll down the paper until it’s even with the tobacco, and then roll it upwards until it forms a cigarettish shape, lick the sticky part of the paper – delicately, like a postage stamp or, as one café-worker advised me once, “like a woman” (NO SLOBBER) – and complete the roll. Voila! A hand-rolled cigarette. If at first it seems time-consuming, be assured that afterwards the ritual becomes almost as addictive as the ‘baccy itself. If you don’t get it the first, second or even third times – don’t panic! Practice makes perfect, and you’ll no doubt find your own idiosyncrasy somewhere in the process that makes it easier for you. If you’re worried about wasting tobacco, a yellow paper is the exact length of four filters neatly in a row, so practice rolling those – and incidentally, that should provide you with a good rule of thumb of how much tobacco to use in the rolling process.

he art of rolling a joint is an entirely different beast altogether. First things first: marijuana (also known as: weed, pot, hemp, bud, da green, sticky) is the most benevolent buzz Class C has to offer, but the commonly espoused myth that claims it isn’t addictive or harmful in large doses is woefully incorrect and, y’know, it is illegal (the nanny state gone mad, but I digress). Use caution in partaking. Marijuana differs from tobacco in that, because of its consistency, it cannot be rolled straight off the bat (unless you buy what’s known as ‘chop’, but ironically that is much better consumed in brownies unless you want to chain-blunt three in a row). To this end, you’ll need a pair of scissors and a receptacle of some kind, preferably a shot glass or film cannister. Place the bud in the receptacle and chop away until you achieve a rollable consistency. You’ll also want to use Blue Papers, not Yellow – Blue Papers are slow-burning, which is a pain in the ass if you’re inhalin’ Port Royal but useful if you’re looking to conserve as much marijuana as possible. Another difference

is that instead of a filter you’ll need to construct a ‘roach’ in order to get the most bang for your buck. A roach is essentially a filter with space in the middle – tear off some of your paper packages, or a nearby Magic: The Gathering card or whathaveyou, and curl it up so there’s space in the middle. Insert it into the joint as you would a filter in a hand-rolled durry. You can opt to cut the weed with a sprinkling of tobacco to ensure an even roll – however much you like is purely a matter of preference. However, ensure that you place the marijuana on the paper first. This is to avoid losing da green off the top and to make for a less lumpy roll – tobacco’s clumpiness works well in further pressing the weed into a rollable shape. If you’ve bought a special strand (you’ll know if you pay more, if your dealer tells you or if it looks different – White Rhino, to use one example, looks like weed cut with flecks of cat-crap but smokes like nothing else. You’ll be cresting the top of a wave in no time) it’s imperative that you don’t cut it though – that shit has to be smoked clean to get

the full effect. Finally, you’ll want to make a twist at the top of the joint, which has the dual purpose of avoiding spillage and designating your piece as a proper joint so you don’t get confused, you pre-roller you. To conclude, a couple of tips on weedsmoking etiquette – if you’re in a group, use the time-honoured ‘puff-puff-puss-to-theleft’ method, with the supplier getting an extra puff. Take it into your lungs. If you’re doing it in public, do it in a surreptitious location and light a cigarette to mask the unmistakable odour of dank bud. If you’re having a bad high, run your face under a cold tap for a couple of minutes or sleep it off. And, in a definitive piece of advice: 420 BLAZE IT $$$$

by Dan K Budd

www.salient.org.nz

the how to issue

? ? ?

challenged our contributors to teach us how to do something in

200

words.

Here

are

of the best.

how to

Mayor Celia Wade-Brown

ownload the Welly Walks app from the iTunes Store, slip on some comfortable shoes and put one foot in front of the other. Walking is one activity where the left and right must cooperate. Walking is our first mode of transport – it is also the healthiest, cheapest and most convenient. Start your walking explorations at Uni and take on the City to Sea walkway. It will take you to our exhilarating South Coast, via Aro St’s delicious cafés and flying foxes in Central Park. Once you have conquered this 12 km track, try a shorter walk along Wellington’s waterfront. This week you can catch The Performance Arcade, a temporary miniature performance and installation space. For your walk back to Uni, consult one of the useful VUW walking maps at victoria.ac.nz/about/explore-victoria/publictransport. This will get you to lectures alert and on time. On Walk to Work Day, Wednesday 12 March, join me for a free breakfast, 7–9 am at Frank Kitts Park. Wellington has some of the busiest footpaths in the country. Around 4500 people walk along Lambton Quay at lunchtime. We have a higher footfall than Tokyo and Sydney. Enjoy Wellington, the compact,cosmopolitan walking capital.

M at t B a r n e s

tudent discounts Always, always look for student discounts. Saving money doesn’t always mean you can’t have any fun. There are discounts on everything from food to movies, from haircuts to travel to moving companies. Second-hand isn’t lame, it’s smart We all know how expensive textbooks are (and if you don’t, you’re in for a shock), but they don’t have to be. Vic Books often offer second-hand versions, or you can check out VUW Book Trade on Facebook. Stash the cash Where possible, try to build up a financial buffer. Saving up over summer helps tide you over through the study semesters. Student Job Search While at uni, SJS is an excellent way to earn a few bucks on the side. Just be careful not to run out of time to do your assignments. Best of all, the friendly folk at Vic Careers can help you write a brilliant CV. Do I need this? Is an excellent question to ask yourself. Cutting out the stuff you don’t truly need is an easy and effective way to save money. When times get tough All the banks offer students interest-free overdrafts. Don’t use one until you need it. Whatever you borrow, you have to pay back. www.salient.org.nz

how to

C at h ry n B r i d g e s

ear no more! The Wellington hills may appear daunting at first, but here is a guide how to only walk downhill/on the flat, and still get back to campus! This is also brilliant for Te Puni Village residents or Kelburn flatters dreading lugging shopping bags (thanks, student loan!) back up the hill. Walk across the Boyd Wilson Field to the ‘City to Sea’ path leading to Buller St. 2. Walk down Buller St straight onto Vivian St, and turn left onto Cuba St. 3. Walk down Cuba St. Spend all your money. 4. Turn left onto Manners St. Walk down. Spend all your money. 5. Turn right onto Willis St. Spend all your money. 6. Veer left onto Lambton Quay. Spend all your money. 7. Turn left right before Maccas. Walk up the little lane. 8. Use your Vic ID to ensure a sweet student fare (beg your friend for $1.50 as you have used all your money shopping), and catch the Cable Car to the very last stop by the Botanic Gardens. 9. Walk up Upland Rd from the Botans. 10. Turn left on Glasgow St. Continue down until you have reached VUW again.

Sammie Lassen

ick and tired of being a law-abiding supermarket shopper? Do you vomit at the thought of another noodle/grisly mince morsel/piece of toast? Fret no more. Follow these easy steps to illicitly score free food and a guilty conscience. 1.

Enjoy feeling lazy. You never have to walk uphill again. 6.

First, survey the attention-level of the attendant. If you are lucky enough to be shopping under the supervision of a very foreign/geriatric/bored employee, now is the time to strike. (Note: do not be fooled by the aloof appearance of teenage employees! Some take their jobs deceptively seriously and may twig on to your scheme.) Approach the checkout machine. It’s necessary that you purchase a pull-along granny trolley prior to the mission – they may not be trendy, but they are a perfect and non-suspecting mule. Keeping one eye on the attendant, scan your least expensive items through the machine, alternating between actually scanning the item, and simply waving the more expensive items near the machine. Place all items that have been lawfully scanned onto the bagging area, the non scanned items straight into the trolley. Exit the supermarket with confidence. DO NOT look guilty or shifty. Every criminal knows that no one stops someone who looks like they’re doing something legal. Enjoy your free groceries!

Note that if you are new to the game, it is best to wait for busy periods in order to avoid suspicion. Late afternoon on a weekday is recommended.

the how to issue

how to

Henry Cooke

irst off, a few things to get out of the way. You can get a child snapper by asking to buy one for your six year old brother. You can do this with a beard in business casual - trust me. There’s no moral ambiguity, public transport is good for city, environment, and is way too expensive for students. I’ve been doing this twice a weekday for three years and I’ve been caught twice. Okay, let’s talk tactics. You want to minimise contact with the driver. If it’s busy, try not to be the first or last person on the bus. If someone is paying with cash, slip past them, snapping as you go. Keep your Snapper in your wallet, and hold it behind you as walk on, not letting it double beep till you are already halfway down the bus. The drivers do not have the time to call you back. If it’s late at night, and you’re the only one getting on the bus, look as scared as possible. If you do get caught, talk really really fast. This has saved me before. Make up a story about your high school ID not changing over and try to confuse the driver enough that they shoo you on. If that doesn’t work, just run.

how to

Steph Trengrove

ospo is a warzone, and waitresses make up the front line. For many of you not-yet-qualified-but-desperately-poor students, this battlefield is one with which you will become intimately familiar. This guide may be the only thing which allows you to survive. Read on with care. Hiding one’s rack may thwart you out of some tips, but displaying it will ensure that every slightly drunk and horny male assumes he can hit on you. Best is the in-between option – some ‘accidental’ cleavage may score a tip, while seemingly hiding your mangoes will prevent being deemed available and willing. Always have on hand the ‘detached smile’; invaluable when couples pash in front of you while you try to take their order, or you wait with excruciatingly hot and/ or heavy plates as customers forget who ordered what. Also crucial is the fake laugh. The hospo battlefield is fraught with bad jokes. As the customer is always right and their jokes always funny, the fake laugh is imperative. Finally, eat before reaching the front. Watching people eat causes excessive hunger, and breaks are rare in hospo. Either fuel up before work or snack on dem customer leftovers. In hospo, you will be faced with situations which you could not have dreamed of, and hardships which you have never before faced. All I can do now is wish you luck, young soldier. Godspeed.

how to

B r i t ta n y T r av e r s

ou will need to perfect the art of passive-aggressive note-writing. Start threatening, but end with a positive flourish. Example: “Note to all who live here: If you don’t wash your dishes, I’ll throw them away. If you don’t take out the rubbish, I’ll dump it over your sweet face in the morning. If you don’t take your washing out of the dryer I will donate it to the Sallies. Love, Suzie xoxo”

ove them or loathe them, you are going to have bust a move on a dance floor at some point in your student life. Whether at a house party or in a sweaty corner of Hope Bros, this ‘how to’ will help you groove with confidence. 1.

Alternatively: “Who let Bigfoot move into the shower? CLEAN UP YOUR FERAL ARMPIT HAIRS. Regards, Jimmy.” I’m sure you can think up more examples. 2. If you want to really drum your message into your flatmates’ skulls, buy a year’s supply of Post-it notes. Plaster them everywhere: the fridge, washing machine, shower, toaster, rice cooker, the ceiling fan, and so on. The key is to ensure your malicious words haunt your flatmates at every turn. Make a list of all the annoying things your flatmates do: noisy sex, slamming doors, stealing food off your shelf. Every time they walk in the door, glare at them and say: “We need to talk.” Hold a flat meeting at least once a week to discuss everything on the list. Go into detail, and don’t be afraid to make them cry! End the meeting on a positive note, saying something like, “I’m just trying to help you help yourself,” or, “We need to work together to make the flat work this year.” Good luck!

Liam Kennedy

3. 4.

Don’t get over-ambitious: Sure, back flips look cool and a well-executed caterpillar is a sight to behold, but these kinds of moves only lead to embarrassment and back injury for most of us. Keep your moves simple. A little bit of rolling the dice or picking the apple never hurts. Buy a strobe light: Everything looks more badass under a strobe light, especially dancing. If you can get past the increased probability of epileptic seizure, then download the handy strobe app for your iPhone or head down to your local electronics store. Never fist pump or take your top off: ever. Choose your soundtrack wisely: A sudden shift from Daft Punk to dubstep can leave even the most competent groover stranded. Pick your tracks and always be ready to make a speedy, but graceful, exit from the D-floor.

key

life hacks

lifestyle

emotional

practical

money

transport

www.salient.org.nz

how to

the how to issue

Joe Morris

on’t. Just don’t tattoo yourself, or your friends.

But anyway, if you’re going to, you’re going to.

how to

B y E va n g e l i n a T e l fa r

inyl bowls are a great way to jazz up your new flat or hostel dorm. They are extremely easy and quick to make. Firstly, go to the tip shop or an op shop near you and find some vinyl records that have scratches on them. Set your oven to 160°c and once it is up to temperature, grab a Mason jar or oven-proof bowl and slide it into the oven. Wait a few minutes while the jar heats up. Then balance the middle of the vinyl record on top of the jar and wait for about a minute or until it has softened. Grab some oven mitts and take the jar and vinyl out of the oven. While it cools down, you can mould the vinyl into the shape you desire, but a tip is to go with the form that it has fallen into while hot. Once it is cool, you can use it as a fruit bowl or a decorative wall-piece.

how to

Nina Powles

reheat your oven to 180°c. Grease a baking tin with butter. In a big bowl that can withstand heat, snap a huge block of dark chocolate into splintered bits. Pile 2 cups of sugar and 100 grams of butter on top. Melt this in the microwave, stirring every 30 seconds or so, until the mixture is velvety smooth like molten heaven. Now add 4 eggs and a tablespoon of vanilla essence and mix lovingly. Sift a ½ cup of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and half a pinch of salt into the liquefied chocolate. Combine gently with a wooden spoon. Let there be lumps. Heap into the baking tin, licking your fingers along the way, and bake for 20–25 minutes – to your desired level of gooey-fudge perfection. Pass the time by licking chocolate off your baking utensils and fingers. Enjoy hot with a large scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. Never forget.

Equipment: Trade Me is great. For less than the price of the doctor’s visit post infected tattoo, find: tattoo needles (9RL works, or 15RL for thicker lines), ink, green soap and latex gloves (always rubber up). Then: kitchen towel, glad wrap, bepanthen, a pencil, cotton thread, and beers. Prep process as follows: Beers for all; gloves on; glad wrap over desk; ink into a clean vessel; needle bound to pencil with thread; skin shaved and wiped down with green soap; and your sweet design drawn on. Ballpoint works: it is pretty non-toxic. Tattoo-transfer paper works better. Look it up. Sticking process: Dip needle; stretch the skin with your other hand; start poking. Getting the correct depth is essential (as ever). Too shallow and the ink will fall out, too deep and it will blow out in the skin – 3 mm? 4 mm? It varies. Take your time, wipe away any excess ink with a soapy kitchen towel. Try to keep the needle as perpendicular to the plane of the skin as possible. Post-tattoo: Wrap your bloody mess in glad wrap for a couple of hours, after applying bepanthen sparingly, henceforth morning and night; admire. There are more definitive guides out there. For inspiration, search for an artist called Slowerblack.

how to

Daniel Deans

oming out is rarely a fun adventure. It’s largely devoid of unicorns, rainbows and clichéd stereotypes, and instead jam-packed with unsettlingly awkward conversations and serious self-questioning. ‘Coming out’ is nevertheless an important process in self-discovery, and ensuring that everyone is entirely aware of who you’d privately like to engage in relations with. While the advice is provided here in list form, it’s highly advised to perform the steps out of order to ensure maximum awkwardness. 1.

5. 6.

how to

Invite a friend out for coffee, dance around the subject for at least an hour, then suddenly announce it as they get up to leave. Get drunk and carelessly announce your affinity for the same sex to everyone in the immediate vicinity. Temporarily going back ‘in’ while you re-assess whether you’re actually gay or not. Maybe everyone’s sexuality exists on a spectrum. Maybe it depends on the person. Maybe it just depends on what I ate for breakfast. Decide you’re not going to tell anyone anymore because it’s your own private life and it’s not anyone’s business. Continue to tell everyone anyway. Try to segue into a conversation with your Dad about homosexuality, only to have it fail and then continue to blurt it out anyway. Write an article for Salient about coming out.

how to

Andrew Mahoney

G e o rg i a L at i e f

If you are stressed, talk to someone.

The first step is to ensure that the cat has in fact died. Death is usually obvious if it is not breathing; however, make doubly sure by locating the cat’s pulse by placing your hand against its chest. Once you have confirmed its death, the next step is locating the family of the deceased pet. This will either consist of going door to door describing the colouring and breed of the cat or (if the owners are smart) simply finding the address on the collar.

hroughout the year you will have your ups and downs, but if you feel that you are down most of the time, you may be suffering from depression. Depression is a serious mental illness and the faster you deal with it, the better. I suffered depression for four years and I found that these three steps helped me beat it.

Seriously: a problem shared is a problem halved, in this instance. If you are feeling depressed, talk to people about it: friends, neighbours, RAs, family, etc. People will be able to help you if they know what you are feeling. Everyone has suffered from depression, mildly or severely, at some stage in their lives.

ver 5.4 million cats are killed each year in car accidents. However, accidental cat killers need to understand how to take responsibility for their actions: by informing the victim’s owners of their pet’s untimely demise, rather than joining the ranks of the millions of cat hitand-run drivers.

Get involved, join groups and socialise. A lot of depression is caused by solitude. If this sounds like you, get involved with other people: this will cure your solitude and help you on your recovery. Eat well and exercise. High quantities of certain foods increase your risk and severity of depression. Eating healthier does make a difference. Exercise also increases self-esteem and happiness. Talk to a professional.

Once the family has been located, break the news to them gently. If possible, try to find a replacement cat to pass off as their dear family pet. If they see through this, then home-baked goods are often used to melt the ice; however, if you’re a poor student, then a homemade “I’m sorry I killed your cat” card wouldn’t go amiss. Once the news has been broken, solemnly hand over the body, then get the hell out of there. Important note: Do NOT give them your name under any circumstances. Grieving cat owners are said to do crazy things.

If none of the above are helping, seek professional help.

www.salient.org.nz

how to

Nicola Braid

ravelling with compadres is a quintessential aspect of student life. The motley crew of 20-somethings with tourist braids, wide-leg pants and vaguely ethnic tattoos are why places like Malaga and Phuket exist. Here are my tips: 1.

how to

Work on your patience. When held up in a flight with good friends, you realise that they’re all on the spectrum. ALL of them. One friend will need you to put everything in units of time, i.e. “How many units until boarding?” And another will only talk in questions: “How do we get there?” “Are you sure?” “Should we take a tuk tuk?” “Will it be expensive?”. You will, if travelling in a non-English-speaking country, inevitably end up conversing in a warped broken English. I.e. “I talk to them already.” “So pretty.” “It OK?” You will spoon. It may be out of homesickness. It may be out of sheer necessity to avoid freezing to death in a jungle in northern Thailand. Either way, it will bring you closer together and block out the snoring of three opium-whacked Germans and a fighting French couple. Pick friends who will not judge your embarrassing toes, or who can handle seeing your naked silhouette through a less-than-frosted hotel shower.

the how to issue

how to

D o c W ats o n

or this how-to, we’ll assume you’re driving a T55 model, which is available for drive at Tanks For Everything in Christchurch. So open up the hatch and climb on in. It’s a bit cramped in there, so get comfortable. From where you sit, it should look fairly similar to a manual car, mirrored – gear stick on the right, clutch, accelerator and brake at your feet, and two levers on either side of you. Once the engine is running, foot on the clutch, put the tank into gear and move the two levers on either side as far forward as possible – this disengages the parking lock. From there, it drives like a manual with two major differences. First, there’s no steering wheel – the two levers that you just pulled act as brakes for either wheel. Put the right lever in the middle position to go left, and to go right do the same for the left lever. Also, the gearbox can be a little unwieldy, and first gear is bottom-centre rather than top-left. Finally, remember the golden rule of tank driving: things don’t happen to you, you happen to them. Godspeed, comrade.

Georgia Cameron

ccommodation: You may think that university halls provide you with networking opportunities for your career. Wrong! It opens up a nationwide range of sofa-based accommodation. Transport: Hitchhike. Like a first-year trying to find their soulmate on the dance floor of Hope Bros, you need to be ready to face plenty of rejection. However, persevere and you might be surprised how easy it is to get a ride. Don’t try your luck on the motorway as you will be arrested. If you are lucky enough to know a pilot, you may be able to schmooze a flight. Or visit Student Flights who will give you epic transport advice and ideas. Food: What food? Red Bull is everything: a complete food group, toothpaste and cologne. It can also be traded for hot chips at a highway café outside of Timaru. We were humbled and surprised by the awesome nature of the Kiwis who were willing to go out of their way to help some poor students. We are sure you will find the same!

www.salient.org.nz

P ULS E This year, S alient wants to publish the fantastic creative work that is being produced at Vic. We want to print design, architecture, photography, poetry and prose. Send us your work to editor @ salient . org . nz . This week’s work was produced by Alexandra Hollis. She is a third-year English Literature student. Hollis created this piece at Victoria’s International Institute of Modern Letters. We love it.

hey were dancing in the grass and then it was five years later and she was lying on her back, her head dangling off the edge of the deck, refusing to see things the right way up. The ends of her hair were brushing against the dirt. There was nothing to be done. He dug behind a pile of her lopsided ceramics, dusted off the bike, and cycled away. The back wheels of the tandem hung uselessly, like a paralysed limb. It was a calm day. Hot. Her hair had been wet before he left; it was drying into stiff waves, sticking out from her scalp. Gravity was pressing at her neck, forcing it further and further into the ground. The sky. This was the decision she had made. It was the sky, now; the ground was the sky and the sky was the ground. She tilted her head, looked up at the dirt, spotted with drops from her hair. Water hitting the sky, not coming from it. The underside of her chin was exposed. She thought she might be getting sunburnt there, where she hadn’t been since she was a child. She couldn’t stay here indefinitely. Soon enough, the blood would pool in her head and she’d pass out or maybe die. Her face would turn purple. Her arms, beside her head, reaching up towards the ground, would fill with fluid and grow to the size of her legs. She would be grotesque. She would be called The Greatest Work Of Performance Art This Century. He’d done the right thing, leaving. It was high time one or both of them took some action, her sister had said. “You need to be realistic,” her sister had said. “I don’t want to be realistic,” she’d said. “Wanting is beside the point.”

the how to issue

“I want to want things.” “You need to need things.” “I need to want.” “You need to be fucking realistic.” Things were better this way up. Past the grass, the sky turned into the road and the road, shimmering in the heat, turned into fragments of concrete, layers of sky falling in on themselves. She could see the houses, lamp-posts, fences straining at their foundations. They wanted to fall. In front of her eyes, the blades of grass were stretching away from the dirt. She was losing faith in gravity. She thought that if a shuttlecock flew into the air it wouldn’t be pulled back towards the grass, but would keep flying into space, indefinitely. The grey sky was crumbling and still people jogged along its surface. The blue beneath her grew larger. Without the distraction of any buildings she became aware of how huge it really was. Mostly blue; few clouds; vast. The details of the street became toy-sized, and hills seemed to stretch down towards the clouds as if seeking an entryway into space. Her tongue slipped out of her mouth and she came close to choking on it. The day was throwing gravel beneath his skin. It was a fucking shame, because he’d had such a great exit. He’d yelled one last thing to her – “you’re such a fucking dreamer! Wake up already!” – then he’d mounted the tandem bike and sped away, leaving a cloud of dust and gravel behind him. Except some of the stones had lodged themselves under his skin, and they weren’t coming out.

pu l se

The bike wobbled as he brushed at his arm. They were definitely lodged in there; little stones, all over his arm, poking up between freckles. He rubbed harder. There was no moving them. At least the stones weren’t too big. That would really encumber his cycling. His cycling was, if he was being honest, already encumbered; whenever his pace slackened the bike wobbled, darting precariously across the road. It was hard to steer straight on his own. There were stones in his legs, too, and when he pushed down on the pedals he could feel them shifting around his knees and settling into place. The bike wobbled. He pedalled faster. His jeans bunched at his thighs, stretching over the stones. They were too tight for the weather; sweat trickled down his back, pooling at the crotch. He was a man of action: he had a plan. Through the intersection, wobbling a bit. He made sure to be careful with his turns, giving cars and corners a wide berth. The bike shuddered. Left here. Left her. Had he left her? He didn’t think so; he thought he’d just left. Up the hill, towards the top. This was even harder. The stones, poking out from his skin, were encumbering him. They weren’t exactly painful but they were chafing quite a lot. He was terrified that she didn’t love him; he was terrified that she did. The scariest thing he could think of was that they might both still love each other, and it might not be enough. The wind buffeted at him. Oh, he needed to breathe. It was because the hill was getting steep; he was puffing. Nothing to do with the thought of her making him panic and causing him to lose his breath. The road was gravelly, dislodging more stones into the air, which were joining the others beneath his skin. He was almost at the top. He could feel stones in his face. They were making his skin tight around his eyes; he couldn’t blink. Dust blew into his face. His eyes started watering. It had been their first real fight. Water ran down his cheeks. The stones were jagged and hard all over his body; it hurt to pedal. When he moved the stones moved, and the more he moved the more he could feel that they were eroding the veins in his arms, pressing, where his back grew tight, into his kidneys. There was pain, a lot of pain, and he couldn’t keep moving, so he: paused. A car came past. He was suspended in motion, leaning slightly towards the bank of the hill and, as the wind from the car hit him, the bike shook and he was tipping, then falling, landing solidly in the ditch. Her cheeks, without her help or approval, spread into a gruesome smile. There were dandelions tickling her nose. She tried to blow one out, but her throat was constricted by the angle of her head, and breath eluded her. She wasn’t sure he actually had left her. It had seemed pretty conclusive, given that he had left her, but it was occurring to her now that leaving and leaving her were two very different things. The day had grown longer; on the road, the sky had stopped breaking apart. In the distance, not yet a dusky red but a shade which anticipated this, there was a mountain which reached down into space. If it kept growing into the clouds like that it would pool into a droplet of mountain, which would peel off at the bottom and plummet into the sky, ripping a hole in the atmosphere, causing all the air to rush out. Instantaneous death via suffocation. They had gone camping near that mountain, years ago, just after they were married. Only for three days, but they’d held hands almost the entire time. They drifted around the campsite together, tugging at their hands each time they wanted to change direction. They were beautiful, unreal. He was definitely leaving her. There was something cold near the back of her left hand. What was that? She

www.salient.org.nz

pu l se

could smell him on her skin. Even after showering, she’d sniff her arms, and there he was. No amount of scrubbing would get him out. Sometimes she hated him for that. She could feel the cold by her hand, but couldn’t touch it. Only, just now she’d started enjoying the idea of getting really, disgustingly old with him. There was too much weight on her throat, where it was bent around the wood of the desk. She couldn’t breathe. What the fuck was making her hand so cold? She reached out; she touched glass. Water! She’d forgotten that it had been sitting there, since before that fucking wildly escalating argument. Yes!, she thought, water! What a wonderful world that, upside down, there could still be water sitting in glasses, not flying into space. She picked up the glass, bringing it up to her mouth– It went everywhere. She was soaked. Of course. Gravity. He was in the gutter. The back wheel of the bike was still spinning. There was blood in his mouth, seeping between his teeth, from where he’d bitten his tongue. He was sprawled across the ground, and the soles of his feet were trembling in the air, trying to grip the ground, not understanding that they couldn’t. His legs shook. He tried to push himself up. His biceps strained, his shoulders felt heavy. His whole body shook. He dragged one knee forward, then the other, until they were beneath his hips, digging into the ground. His legs were steady, but now his arms were shaking. The pain was too much to feel at once. It had congested in his stomach; a tight, deep, burn. He pushed with his legs, waiting in a crouch for the wave of pain to pass. Slowly, carefully, he stood upright. Stones crunched in his back. Just ahead of him: the transmission tower. The wind had picked up; it was howling up the hill, and through the bars of the tower. He couldn’t understand the sound it was making. A music which wasn’t music. It would have started, he thought, as a single note, but when it reverberated off the different bits of the tower the sound began to waver, until it turned into a symphony. The back wheels of the tandem joined in, jangling in the wind. His hand brushed the handlebars and when it did it made the sharp sound of gravel scraping metal. There could be worse things in the world than this. She was obstinate. She was oblivious. Although it had hurt to move at first, it seemed that now the shock of the fall had numbed him to the pain; he could move almost easily. He kept brushing his hand over the handlebars, enjoying the sound he was making. She terrified him, but she was necessary. Scraping, jangling, humming; it was the most discordant symphony in the world. He stopped moving. She wouldn’t be at home. The humming continued. He knew where she was. It was obvious now that he thought about it. And when he hoisted the tandem up, and pointed it downhill, he felt fewer stones than before, and very little pain at all. She was walking, and she wasn’t falling. Her hair was hanging, sitting comfortably on her shoulders not radiating out from her scalp in a halo. It shouldn’t have been so easy to get used to, but as she walked barefoot through the streets she had to keep reminding herself that her toes, gripping at the ground, were the only things holding her to the earth. Buildings seemed taller; she lost track of what the sky was doing. By the time she’d reached the bus terminal she stopped feeling like she was falling into the clouds, and she was able to sum up the courage to address the automated ticketing machine. “Destination.” “I think that my husband’s left me.” “Destination.” “I’m not sure about that, though.”

the how to issue

pu l se

“Destination.” “It feels like something I should be sure of.” “Destination.” “Fuck him.” “Destination.” “Yes. Yeah. I know where I’m going.” The moon rose, autumnal, resting for a moment on the rich-red ridge of the mountain. From the open doors of their tent they saw it grow, clean, blue. Across the grass there was a family living in a civilisation of poly-blended, graphite-poled tents. They were earnest, absorbed, playing badminton long into the dusk. Their shuttlecock had a light in it; it flew from person to person, bouncing above their heads in some elaborate pattern. The brightest spot in the night. They followed it, hand in hand, watching; their little tent, and the family in the background, and the light– “–like we’ve been watching it forever.” “I think we have.” “I think so too.” “Are there still people at the river?” “You can hear their voices. Listen.” “And those are their torches shining on the hills.” Inside the badminton game, a boy called out: “I can see two little stars!” She leaned over, whispered. “They’re not real.” “Were we?” His voice startled her past five years, dragging her through and beyond the discomfort of the one same house, and his breath on her pillow, and being loved, into now: a mountain, an empty campsite, him. “I’m still not sure,” she said. He nodded. He sat down carefully, considering his approach before he made it. “I’m sorry,” she said. The stars had come out. She looked up at them (she didn’t want to look at him). The sky was everything. It was dashed with a furious stroke of stars. It was a lake she wanted to fall into. “I’m sorry,” he said. She grabbed his hand. She looked at the sky. It was a lake. “I spent most of today thinking I was going to fall into space.” She didn’t want to fall. He didn’t want her to. She could feel his pulse. He was breathing. He squeezed her hand. She squeezed back. His hand felt rougher than usual, she thought. Small ridges had appeared across his palm. It was hard to hold onto, but it was his hand, so she made an effort. “I think we were real,” she said. “I think we still are.” Near the crest of the mountain, a star twinkling into place. Then another. A low, sweet humming sound. “What’s that music?” “Dance?”

www.salient.org.nz

have the evidence or the knowledge to back it up. For example, try to avoid arguing that cricket is a pointless and tedious affair to a hardened purist of the game. It is important to be able to identify household sporting names and phrases when discussing sporting issues. Here’s a short list of names which may or may not sound familiar: Cristiano Ronaldo: Supposedly the best footballer on the planet. He has also recently opened a new line of underwear named CR7 underwear. Lebron ‘King’ James: arguably the new Michael Jordan. Floyd Mayweather Junior: has boxing talents that almost match Muhamed Ali, also carries around $1 000 000USD in cold hard cash where ever he goes. Shane Warne: Retired Australian cricketer. While Aussies will tell you he’s a contender for the greatest ever person of all time in the history of the world, he is also famous for being a chronic sexter, having unnaturally white teeth, and having a good ol’ fling with English supermodel Liz Hurley. Richie McCaw: If you don’t recognize this name you should probably avoid sports altogether, but for the record he is the current captain of the All Blacks and is considered by some to be our best ever rugby player. Kim Dotcom: Not quite an athlete yet, but there’s a good chance he’ll have a dabble in sport.

•

• •

S p o rt s b a n t e r w i t h sammy p how to

TALK SPORTS

•

lthough I don’t rate myself as a conversationalist, I do pride myself on my ability to slip very comfortably into a sporting conversation; it’s among the very limited set of skills I have. So in the spirit of this week’s ‘how to’ theme, I have compiled a dummies guide with a few points and hints on how to talk sports which will hopefully enhance your capacity to discuss sporting matters and decrease the chances of you exposing your sporting ignorance.

•

• •

•

Use staple statements, a staple statement being a rock solid go-to option when conversing about sports. These can be applied to either initiate sport talk or as a very effective yet cliché filler of awkward silences. A great example of a staple statement that’s always a winner is “How about those All Blacks”, or “How about those Phoenix”, or “How about those (insert team name/athlete/politician here)”. Don’t get your teams mixed up. If sports teams have two different names, there is a very good chance that they are two different teams. For example, the Wellington Lions are NOT the Wellington Hurricanes. Try to avoid making unsubstantiated and rather flamboyant calls on sporting topics when you don’t really

the how to issue

In Wellington

this week:

Friday, 7.30: Cake Tin - Hurricanes vs Brumbies. Sunday, 5pm: Cake Tin – Phoenix vs Perth.

Top 3 3)

on the box:

NBA: Indiana @ Houston, ESPN, Saturday, 3.30PM. 2) Super Rugby: Stormers @ Crusaders, SS1, Saturday, 7.30PM. 1) NRL: Warriors @ Parramatta, Sunday, 8.30PM.

Top 5

overrated Super Rugby players of all time With the Super Rugby season well underway, we felt it appropriate to review those players who have received perhaps a little too much hype over the years.

Morne Steyn Although he almost never misses with the boot, Steyn couldn’t tackle a 5 year old if he tried and has the creativity of a cabbage.

Carlos Spencer At his best he was dazzling, but the spectrum of quality in Spencer’s play (and his Tim Tam adverts) was far too great for him to be given the respect he often receives.

Stephen Brett Touted as the next Dan Carter in his early days, Brett reportedly once told the All Blacks selectors if they didn’t select him he’d leave the country – they were happy to give him his boarding pass.

Isaia Toeava Endless potential … at least that was the catchphrase for Toeava. Perhaps he was thrown into the limelight to early, but whatever the case, Toeava was never able to impress to the level he was expected to.

Caleb Ralph It’s beyond us what either the Crusaders or All Blacks selectors saw in Ralph during his playing days. The reason he takes the cake as our number one overrated Super Rugby player of all time is because he is only really remembered for one thing – being ordinary.

Fresh pasta sheets (use a recipe that makes enough for four people)

another on top. Cook in batches. Sauc e

F ill i ng

• •

Eggplant & ricotta ravioli with garlic and lemon butter By Eve Kennedy

ating seasonally is smart wherever possible when trying to survive on a student budget. You can pick eggplants up for $1 each at the moment. I’m prepared to admit it: not everyone likes this slimy greyish vegetable, but roasting or grilling an eggplant brings out a depth of flavour that any other cooking method lacks. I’ve been whiling away the last of my days before Uni gets hectic making this: it’s a perfect datenight dish to impress that summer fling you’re trying to keep hold of. I recommend Jamie Oliver’s fresh pasta recipe.

Conspiracy Corner “ D o Y ou T h i n k K e y S au rus ? ”

By Incognito Montoya

reetings, true believer. My name/current alias is Incognito Montoya. I am a conspiracy theorist. Prepare to learn. I believe the moon landing was staged, that 9/11 was an inside job (the plane came from inside the building), and that Lorde wrote “let me be your ruler” to establish a new unit of all-purpose measurement in her name. Hence this column. Where the Unternet and the Illuminati newsletter hidden in your junk mail have failed me,

• • • •

2 eggplants 200 g ricotta (substitute with feta or another cheese if you wish) 1 onion, finely chopped 1 Tbsp minced garlic 2 Tbsp lemon juice Salt & pepper

Slice the eggplants in half lengthwise, and rub them with extra-virgin olive oil. Season well and place on a tray in the oven for 20–25 minutes at 190°C, or until the flesh is tender. While the eggplants cook, fry the onion in a small amount of oil with the garlic until soft. Put into a bowl with the lemon juice. Scrape the flesh off the skins of the eggplants once cooked, and add to the bowl. Give the mixture a light mash so it’s not too chunky, and mix in the ricotta. Roll the pasta into sheets. Cut the sheets into evenly sized shapes, although ravioli is traditionally square; put dollops of mixture in the middle of the shapes, then press

this space will distill and better promote the truth on so-called conspiracies, albeit gleaned from the newspapers and strung together on a wall. But you, dear leader, will be enlightened. So why have I chosen to emerge from my newspaper-and-string-ridden dwellings now? Good, you’re already asking questions. The local conspiracy front had been pretty dry of late, until last week the king (or should I say Rex) of all conspiracies appeared on my radar. Last week, a concerned Auckland citizen mailed in a request to Parliament, asking for “any evidence to disprove the theory that Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke-style shapeshifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement”. Now, this is a serious charge, especially in this day and Age of Mammals. New Zealand prides itself on a general attitude of tolerance for all sentient beings (save Australians, but then “sentient” is debatable in their case). Interestingly, Key’s chief of staff responded by denying the cold-blooded proclivities of his overlord. Key also responded that he subjected himself to seeing both a doctor and a vet in order to confirm his humanity.

• • • • • • •

100 g butter 2 Tbsp olive oil 4 Tbsp fresh minced garlic 1 Tbsp finely chopped parsley Juice of two lemons 1 Tbsp lemon zest Salt and pepper

Add all ingredients except the butter to a saucepan and cook on a low heat for 3–4 minutes. Add the butter and leave on the heat until melted. Pour the butter over the pasta and serve warm!

His tongue may not be “overly long” in his words, but it certainly is quick, and I know a chameleon when I see one. The term “any evidence” to a seasoned crackpot is considered a challenge, and so I started to string theories to determine the truth. If reptilians are already assumed to have reached positions of power across the globe, their agenda would naturally reflect their needs; warm temperatures to thrive in, for instance, which would explain the National Party’s lax attitude on combatting climate change. The Key Rex himself appears quite the dinosaur, being out of touch with our customs. If he considers “gay shirt” to be an acceptable insult in our time of evolving attitudes, his thoughts clearly don’t match the shapeshifting exterior. And speaking of exteriors, his average looks attest to a desire to blend in as much as possible with the humans of Aotearoa (or as it is known in the reptilian tongue, Gondwana Jr.) So, should we accept our future under such a creature, the rare breed of politician who lies about his personal life? You can rely on me, dear reader, to continue to expose the truth, my eye unblinking to the world as the reptiles that rule us. Incognito out.

www.salient.org.nz

“‘Shirty’ is olden-time slang for ill-tempered, which is olden-time fancy words for kind of a bit fucked off about stuff.”

- people who aren’t cute - the weather - earnestness in any context - people who are angry about the weather without being cute.

S h i rt & Sw e e t w i t h E l e a n o r M e rt o n y o u r w e e k ly c o l u m n o n h ow t o b e a n n oy e d but still cute.

ear readership of Salient. This year, I have taken it upon myself to instruct you in the ways of successfully being shirty at things in your life that warrant shirtiness (and some things that don’t). It promises to be a year of growth and learning, a year full of freckle spatters and forehead creases and all things cute or annoyed. However, before we embark on this magical journey together, I first need to make sure we’re clear on the meaning of the word ‘shirty’. This is because it’s a better word than annoyed, and if you get shirty rather than annoyed, you’re already on the way to cuteness. Feel free to google the definition, but for those of us who would never dream of doing something that actually betters ourselves in any way at all, I will lay it all out for you. ‘Shirty’ is olden-time slang for ill-tempered, which is olden-time fancy words for kind of a bit fucked off about stuff. Examples of stuff that make me shirty include: - people who wear bright purple shirts

the how to issue

But now let’s get on with practical applications of ‘shirt’, which is henceforth the preferred noun form of ‘shirty’ for the purposes of pun-making. H ow t o B e A n n oy e d A b o u t P e o p l e N o t W e a r i n g S h i rt s E v e n If They’re Helping You. It’s that time of year. Salient columns are opening with ‘it’s that time of year’. The first-years are here, all the other years are back and are complaining about it. (Well done to all of you: complaints about first-years are some top-notch examples of shirtiness.) Flats are breaking up, establishing and re-establishing. People are Moving. Some would say that annoyance during the Moving Process comes naturally, and people don’t need to be told how to do it. People who say this are the people who fill their lives with unsuccessful shirtiness and who probably also wear terrible shirts. The truth is that sometimes good things happen when you’re moving. Cute things happen. Cute things like other people doing stuff for you. For example, my bed (read mattress and shipping pallets) and a number of boxes of my books were moved from my old flat to my new flat and I was not involved at all. This is the cuteness of other people (thinly veiled shout-out). For example, imagine you have recently moved into a flat and you don’t have the right storage furniture. Your flatmate calls

you on his way to work and tells you that there is a specimen of the right storage-type furniture-things on the side of the road. Presumably, it is there to be taken by you into the bosom of your room to support you through another trying year of university by concealing the horror of your personal belongings. Here is what you must do. Don’t go outside in your underwear. You must put on clothing. You must put on cute clothing. You must go forth to examine the specimen. It is a good specimen, and you desire its presence in the bosom of your room. You must pick a door in the vicinity of the furniture on which to knock. The residents will not answer immediately. You must be persistent, for only in your persistence will you be rewarded with an opportunity for shirt (remember what we talked about? It’s the preferred noun). Eventually, the residents will come to the door. They will be dudebros. One of them will be shirtless. This is the point at which you should summon your shirt. To compensate for his shirtlessness. It will come to light that the furniture specimen is indeed free to a good home. Shirtless dudebro will help you carry it back to your flat about seven houses down. He will help you and you will be shirty at him. How dare he have such a torso *and* be getting rid of the right kind of storage-type furniture. How dare he talk about how he and his new flatmates went swimming at Oriental Parade when this, the sweltering hour of 3 o’clock, is the first time you have stepped outside all day. You must answer friendly enquiries about your studies with superiority and economy of words. Do this, and you will have been shirty about someone not wearing a shirt even though he was helping you.

condom without the risk of the family dog dragging it out of the bin, tearing it up, and leaving it for all to see in mortifying shreds around the house. But aside from the wonders a room with a lock on the door will do for your sex life, sex at university is about freedom.

BIRDS & the bees W I T H C U P I E H O ODW I N K

ello and welcome, my dearest sugar plums, to the Bone Zone. I am Cupie Hoodwink, Salient’s go-to gal for sex, love, and e’rything in between in 2014. First things first, if my title got you titillated, let me be frank: if you came here looking for locations to bang on campus, you’re flat out of luck, I’m afraid. 1) That shit’s kind of illegal – especially if it’s somewhere obvious, like the computer labs, where you can’t say you had a ‘reasonable belief ’ no one would see you. 2) Wellington’s already exhausted its quota of warm days for the year; sex in the graveyard will give you genital frostbite faster than you can say “Blue balls”. (That being said, if you’re willing to risk both life and limb for some campus coitus, I’ve heard both the computer labs and the graveyard are popular choices.) Nope, I’m talking about what it means to have sex (or not), and to fall in (or out of ) love during your time at this fine institution, you scholarly scamps. For me, coming to University meant being able to bone without the risk of my parents walking in, and then throw out the used

It means words like ‘slut’ and ‘frigid’ no longer carry the weight they did in high school (hint: they’re bullshit). It means that what other people do with their bodies isn’t your business – you’ve got your very own one to be getting on (and off) with. It means that it’s not about who you love, but how you treat them that counts; it’s not about how much sex you have, but that you’re safe and happy that counts, and finally, that it’s not how big it is, but what you do with it that counts. Obviously, all this freedom to fuck to your heart’s content can be both a blessing and a curse. Sex – just like love – should, in theory, be a whole heap of fun all of the time. But sometimes it just isn’t. Sometimes it’s confusing; sometimes it hurts. You might have come to University a virgin, and after a week to check out the talent (or rather, lack thereof ) at your Hall of Residence, you’re thinking more and more that you’d like to stay that way. Perhaps the most stunning human being ever to grace the Earth has just moved into the spare room in your flat, and you’re unsure whether their sheer beauty alone amounts to a justified exception to the ‘Don’t Screw the Crew’ rule. Maybe you’re realising that Wellington being really bloody small means that you’re going to keep bumping into you ex on Courtenay every Wednesday and Saturday and you just don’t know how to deal. Never fear! This year you can rely on Cupie for your weekly fix of all things love and sexetera: porn and rom-coms; long-distance and one-night stands; sex toys and sexuality; drunk texts and dating apps; jizzing and vajazzling…

And if you’re still perplexed, I’ll even answer your curliest questions fortnightly right here in this column, and online at ask.fm/CupieHoodwink. Finally, if you’re planning on getting jiggy with it in any shape or form while you’re at Vic, there’s one test you’re definitely going to want to ace: your STI check. And while this test is even more important than your LAWS 121 mid-term, luckily for you, it’s also a hell of a lot easier to pass. If it burns, stings, itches, smells, oozes, or is covered in a rash, get yourself along to Student Health quick smart. The staff are lovely, and have seen it all before; most of the services are free, and if you’re lucky enough to have a vagina, you don’t even have to get your kit off for an STI check – you just tootle off to the bathrooms and whack a swab up there yourself. While you’re there, you can also pick up a condom prescription – for just $5 you’ll get so many that even if you use heaps as balloons for your flat-warming, and break a bunch of others trying to squeeze your entire head inside (LOL!), you’ll still have enough to do some serious bangin’. There’s also a big bowl full of fancy rubbers in the waiting room if a strawberry-scented schmang is more your style ;) Until next time, Cupie xx

Got a burning question for C u p i e ? A s k h e r a b o u t a l l m at t e r s o f t h e h e a rt … a n d o t h e r r o m a n t i c o r g a n s a n o n y m o u s ly at a s k . f m /C u p i e H o o d w i n k

Got

a b u r n i n g s e n s at i o n i n y o u r

nether regions?

H e a lt h

Give Student 463 5308,

a call on

o r p o p i n t o t h e i r c l i n i c s at

Kelburn

and

Pipitea.

www.salient.org.nz

swITCh TO TELECOM AnD gET A FREE $29 OR $19 uLTRA MObILE PREPAID PACK

TELECOM $29 PREPAID PACK FREE 500MB FREE

WIFI 150MIN SPOTIFY PREMIUM 1GB/DAY AT UNLIMITED

700 HOTSPOTS

TEXTS

TELECOM $19 PREPAID PACK 500MB FREE

100MIN WIFI 1GB/DAY AT UNLIMITED

TEXTS

700 HOTSPOTS

gO InsTORE AnD swITCh TODAy FREE WiFi 1GB/day at 700+ hotspots FREE wIFI FREE Spotify Premium

the how to issue

TEL1076 – Salient

First pack free only. Pack must renew each month. Person to person texts only. Standard NZ use only. Data charges may apply. Offer available until March 31st 2014. Must present a valid 2014 tertiary student ID to redeem offer. Telecom terms, conditions and charges apply.

Weir d i nterne t sh i t W i th H e n ry & Ph i l i p The internet is way more boring than it used to be. You can spend days lost in important news articles, shitty subreddits, and Facebook posts from the people you hated in high school. We would like to fix that. “The modern toilets are very inadequate.”

he year is 2007. A man in his early 70s stands in his bathroom, speaking clearly into a camera held by his wife, Vivian. In a solemn academic tone, the man explains that the toilets of his day were of superior quality, as they held more water and made better use of gravity. The video blinks a little, but mostly stays steady, as

Articulat ed S plines WITH CAR LO it’s dangerous to go alone; take this

niversity is a time to try new things. The parties are better, sure, but it’s also a time for us to discover hobbies and broaden our interests. If you leave Vic still listening to the same music and wearing the same clothes as the day you walked in, you’ve missed out on something important. Music is an interesting way of looking at it. Most of us make cool new friends here that teach us about the stuff they don’t play

he calmly itemises his toilet utensils, which include a stick. The video, entitled ‘Tips on Using the Toilet’, explains both the problems and solutions to our contemporary toiletry woes, from the shortness of the toilet (useful for little boys, he admits) to the “toilet riser, singular”, to the usefulness of a stepping stool in order to squat over a Western toilet, all the way through to the lotioning of toilet paper, “which completes the second step”. This is clearly the best thing on YouTube. The man is Robert Jackson. Robert makes Mitt Romney seem young and exciting. According to his website (teacherneedhelp.com), he lives a “commonplace, ordinary, everyday life”, and can provide guidance for others on achieving this goal. His YouTube channel is packed with these tips, all delivered in a button-down shirt and khakis in that solemn, grandfather-like tone. These cover every household topic that you didn’t know was a topic – shower curtains versus glass enclosures, homemade coffee substitutes, proper piano-score lighting, tying up boxes for storage, dishwasher stacking, even pineapple cutting. The videos are hypnotic in their sparsity, every new detail of Robert’s

on the radio. It’s the same with film and books. All it takes is that cool friend or that day-long internet browse to uncover more hidden gems than we could ever possibly have dreamed of. It’s exactly the same with video games. There’s a whole galaxy out there of small titles, indie developers and outrageous fun to be had, and everybody is starting to catch on. Gamers on PC can take advantage of services like Steam and GOG.com, while big boys Microsoft and Sony are showing more and more support for indie gaming. Just look at the ludicrous success of Minecraft on the Xbox Live Arcade for proof of that. What I want to do with this column is showcase the trends and events of the wider gaming scene, as well as review some of the more interesting titles out there. After all, one Call of Duty review is much the same as another. There will probably be a slightly greater focus on PC and mobile gaming than the

meticulous home life a new window to his soul. I’ve been pulling out ‘Tips on Using the Toilet’ for a year or two now, showing people who either laugh or tell me to turn it off. Like I did, people wonder if this is perhaps a long-running prank, a retired guy having a little fun with all of us. Some of the details are just too perfect to be true. A minute’s discussion on the transparency of shower curtains really does seem like too much. But this is not a joke. The comments sections have been closed. The other videos on the channel (Shakespeare readings, piano duets) are too serious. Robert is a real guy, who really wants to show us all this. This is what, away from their weirdness, makes these videos so great – their sincerity. Robert has seen the multitude of filth on YouTube and decided to balance the scales. He’s seen the casualness with which most people run their homes and has found a way to fix this. He’s spent a lot of his time solving problems most of us deem unworthy of attention, and would like to share his results. The end product is a perfect meeting of internet sensibilities and finishing-school charm, only at your weird uncle’s house. So go to your bathroom, take your laptop, and learn something.

consoles. The main reason for that is because indie gaming is a lot more accessible that way. Besides, there’s already a lot out there about AAA console games like Call of Duty, and I’d rather fill these inches with something new. It’s a fortnightly column, so I’ll never be able to touch on everything, but at the very least it’s a wooden sword in your quest to find something new to play. Because we’re all gamers now – whether it’s FIFA, Candy Crush, Flappy Bird or Star Citizen – and that’s something to celebrate. Nidhogg PC, $18 on Steam This charming multiplayer platformer pits you against a friend, each of you trying to stab your way past the other and run to the final screen. Simple, but there are going to be a lot of dead stick figures before the round is over.

www.salient.org.nz

G u i lt M i r r o r s Shocking Pinks A l bum rev iew by To m S ho re

t’s been almost a decade since the lo-fi production, coaxing melodies and abrupt lyrical content of Nick Harte’s Shocking Pinks first graced the world, and the project keeps on evolving. Recording with his newly signed Brooklyn label, Stars & Letters Records, Christchurch’s own Harte dollops out the sub bass on his new 35-track triple-album Guilt Mirrors. Intertwining droning synths and vocally distorted lyrics lend a dark, grudging tone to this gigantic work. Shocking Pinks recently played a well-received set at Camp A Low Hum, mixing old and new material on the very damp forest stage. This is Harte’s first album in seven years. He’s relocated to Wellington, but not before witnessing the 2011 earthquakes first-hand. The dark atmosphere and places Guilt Mirrors travels seem to echo the destruction and damage caused by the earthquake. These vast destructive emotions feel processed into his music. The melodic wall of sound in ‘Not Gambling’, the lead single, lets percussion drive the song, and a feature is the catchy guitar riff almost reminiscent of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Dreams’, if Fleetwood Mac was going through an angsty patch of insomnia. A little gem for me was the fifth track, ‘My Best Friend’. It’s over-distortion, driving bass and slurred lyrics almost reminded me of INXS, although if it was to be included on the soundtrack of a movie, it might have to be Pretty In Black, not Pink.

the how to issue

Ryan Hemsworth/ Baauer Review

Fo ur re l e a s e s f ro m 2 0 1 4 yo u’ve a l re a d y s l e pt o n

by He nry Co o ke

don’t hate first-years. That whole dialogue is so played out, so similar to the hatred of third-formers – it’s boring, and plenty of 18-year-olds are articulate and engaging. Just not the ones at the Baauer/Ryan Hemsworth show. It was always going to be a kind of weird show. Canada’s Ryan Hemsworth is a fairly successful producer known for versatility, warmth, and an ambient kind of hip-hop style. America’s Baauer produces trap music – notably the viral hit ‘Harlem Shake’. Whenever a wide swath of the crowd is *only* there for one act, the show has weird vibes. Shows at The Hunter Lounge have to end pretty early (noise complaints start roll in around 11), so Wellington’s Race Banyon had to play while it was still very sunny, to a very small audience. He was great, as always, but the mood was off. When Ryan Hemsworth came on near nine, Hunter had filled up. Then it all fucked up. The sound distorted and cut out – enough to make Ryan leave the stage – not once, but twice. The crowd alternated between booing Ryan, chanting “You fucked up”, yelling for Baauer to come on, and belting out Kiwi classics. What a welcome for a guy who’s come all the way from Canada! Eventually, things worked out, and Ryan played. His set was dreamy but danceable, full of intriguing remixes and samples. His rework of Lorde’s ‘Ribs’ was fucking excellent. The crowd got into it a bit, but didn’t fully engage until Baauer came on next. Away from the one-hit hype, Baauer’s a pretty good producer. He played loud, dancey, very trappy music, full of tension (buildups!) and release (drops!). He seemed a little scared of boring the audience – which was probably fair enough – playing each song for no longer than 60 or so seconds. ‘Higher’, his Just Blaze collaboration, went off the most, while chart-topping ‘Harlem Shake’ barely made it in. Either way, the crowd went crazy. White hands in the air, screaming the n-word, telling their friends “I’m so mean at dancing bro”, and just generally playing into every stereotype of first-years you’ve ever heard. VUWSA did their best, and sorted out two very impressive international acts. Being an old crank, I just wish the crowd had stepped up a bit too.

Mdern Baseball – You’re Gonna Miss It All If you like pop punk at all, you will like Modern Baseball’s nasally, tight, smart take on it. If the thought of a song called ‘Your Graduation’ sickens you, maybe not.

Mas Ysa – Worth EP Mas Ysa is like Bon Iver but dance music. The choral yet rough vocals, the almost painful earnestness – only with a bit more bass, a bit more get the fuck up and run around.

Mogwai – Rave Tapes Like a very slow and important walk in the summer rain, complete with huge riffs and very pretty keyboards. As ever, Mogwai are post-rock without the boring.

Mermaidens – Bones EP If you love Best Coast, Wavves, and music made by other Vic students, this surf-punk trio released a three-track EP in early February and it is on Bandcamp for literally nothing (if you’re an arsehole.)

H ow t o c ho o s e a mov i e i n a f l at By Charlotte Doyle

Sunday-night flat-bonding movie night seems like a bright and brilliant idea (and everyone loves to crash on the couch). Yet somehow, the process of actually choosing what to watch carries with it a very high risk of being dramatically unsuccessful. To begin with, picking even the genre of the movies proves to be problematic. If half the group are your classic hipsters who seem to pick films based on which are most likely to bolster their cultured reputation, yet the other half are willing to shed out $15 to see Robocop, a bit of a conundrum emerges. Even if you finally convince everyone that crying over The Notebook is really what they’re in the mood for, there emerges the further question of whether you then go for one that’s actually decent, or a shit one for a laugh. Unlike with your family, or even your best friends, forming a consensus with the people you endure dishwasher and cleaning-roster drama with involves an underlying pressure to follow social protocol. Of course you want to impress these flatmates, politely win some friends and not be shunned from the group for an inconsiderate and misplaced film choice. There are a variety of methods open to you:

Elimination: This never works. Most likely, 4/5 people have already seen the narrowed-down choice, and everyone seems to sit there thinking about the movie they would prefer to be watching (no fun). No one’s satisfied; next. Nomination: A process which is heavily dependent on the person. There’s always a people-pleaser who fails to see that no option will satisfy every individual, and by trying too hard ends up picking a shit movie so everyone goes to bed anyway, imminently leaving them to take the rejection personally. Either that, or your hipster flatmates picks an obscure arthouse film in an attempt to convert the rest and boost their ego. The inevitable hopeless romantic goes for a romantic comedy like He’s Just Not That Into You which they naïvely think is a bible for real-life relationships. Or someone who gets their kicks out of nostalgia trips convinces everyone The Little Mermaid can never be watched to excess. The power of suggestion: Unfortunately has the potential to backfire. I have made my whole flat watch Four Lions together on the basis it was so hilarious I was in tears when watching for the second time and no one laughed. Not once. I like to think they have basic senses of humor. Roster: Making it a privilege to pick

a movie may work a dream. By earning the right to determine what dominates those final hours of the flat’s week, not only are you prepared in advance, but you can’t complain as their consideration in taking the initiative to bring in everyone’s washing means you need to reciprocate. Even if it means you sit through The Shining and a cockroach is capable of making you scream. To avoid the above trials and tribulations, you have two options. 1. Create a list at the beginning of the year so there’s no waffling. Or at least allocate different genres to each week. Half the battle is when you can’t decide to go for something like Silence of the Lambs or Easy A. 2. Don’t bother watching the same movie at all. With technology these days, an innovative option is to all sit together, plugged into your own individual laptops. Hassle-free and ever so social at the same time. However, it can be wildly successful. Last year, This Is the End managed to bond my flat together on a whole new level. Nothing like watching Michael Cera blow cocaine into someone’s face to bring people together. We were talking about it for weeks. So give it a try.

www.salient.org.nz

IN REVIEW FLATTER ’ S S UR V I V AL GUIDE by

Lauren Earl

by Nina Powles

started reading Flatter’s Survival Guide while I was eating a slice of chewy leftover lasagne, my room smelling faintly damp, having spent the morning pulling clumps of my flatmates’ hair out of the shower drain. Lauren Earl compiled this book from five years’ worth of flatting experiences, so there’s no doubt she knows what I’m talking about. This book might be the first handy compendium of tips for first-time flatters I’ve ever come across. It’s always been a given that you learn the ins and outs of flatting from experience and wordof-mouth. But not only does Flatter’s Survival Guide give advice from the author, but also from dozens of other young flatters. And it’s put together in an eye-catching and eccentric way, designed by Lauren herself. The electric lime-green cover means it’s a book you can’t miss – it won’t get lost under piles of unopened mail on the coffee table – and every page is delightfully chaotic like an art student’s sketchbook. From moving out of your parents’ home to solving Post-it-note conflicts in the flat, this survival guide covers it all. There are loads

of things first-time flatters will find amazingly helpful, such as the pros and cons of living with friends, a list of questions to ask when you’re viewing a room, a handy “fridge flowchart” and even some flat pledges for everyone to sign. A lot of it may seem like common sense, but as one discerning flatter points out, “common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.” Some of Lauren’s own anecdotes are downright scary (“seven males and two females in a seven-bedroom flat”), and sometimes her suggestions are a little out-there: when picking bedrooms, “test who has the highest sperm count – highest count, biggest room!” The book could have emphasised a little more the fact that flatting horror stories like these aren’t actually a compulsory part of student life – I think it’s important to know your own boundaries and acknowledge when your comfort zone has been overstepped. But there’s no doubt the book will be incredibly helpful for any firsttime flatter, or even an experienced one who’s lost the plot a bit. From the effort put into designing each page, it’s clear that Lauren wants us to remember above all else: “we are, after all, in the prime of our lives.”

B OOK S C O M IN G OU T IN 2014 TO GET EXCITED A B OU T :

C o lo r l e ss T s u k u r u T a z a k i a n d H i s Y e a r s o f P i lg r i m a g e

Bark

by Lorrie Moore Prolific American short-story writer Lorrie Moore is back in March with her first collection of stories since 1998. Moore’s early stories are well known and loved for being darkly witty and beautiful in unexpected moments. Her last novel, A Gate at the Stairs, was received in 2009 with slightly passionless reviews, but the buzz about this one is tangible.

The Wandering Mind

by Michael Corballis In his last popular non-fiction work Pieces of Mind: 21 Short Walks Around the Human Brain], Auckland Uni emeritus professor Michael Corballis made psychology a really fun and fascinating subject to read about. This time, he takes a closer look at our subconscious: what are our brains doing when we’re not doing anything at all? Look out for it in May this year. 48

the how to issue

by Haruki Murakami In what is known to Japanese newspapers as “the Haruki effect”, thousands of people queued for days outside bookstores when Murakami’s latest novel was released in Japan last year. The English translation will be published by Random House in August. According to the book’s Wikipedia page, one million copies sold in one week. So it’s bound to be good.

N ot T h at K i n d

Girl

by Lena Dunham Loved and hated by many, the writer and creator of HBO series Girls is publishing a collection of essays in October. Meanwhile, her television persona Hannah Horvath is on the road to getting her own book of essays published in New York. We aren’t sure if we’re meant to ignore the synchronicity here, but regardless, Dunham’s essays should be interesting if her screenwriting choices are anything to go by.

“ F r i nge F e v e r is rife within W e l l i ng ton ” by Rose Cann

ringe Fever is rife within Wellington this week as countless Victoria students, sustained only by the Fix ‘pie and a V for $5’ deal and their dreams of success, are showering far too rarely and drinking far too much coffee as they finally perform the productions they have poured their hearts into for months. This week we talk to Laura Gaudin, birth-mother of Shu, Ryan Knighton, writer and director of Foxes Mate For Life and Other Stories, and George Fenn, Production Manager for Foxes, on their Fringe experiences, the venues they performed in, the difficulties that challenged them, and what advice they’d give to theatre practitioners thinking of making shows in future festivals. There is always a deep breath drawn and a little sobbing when Fringe-venue applications are answered, but how much difference does it actually make? On this question, Fenn explains that, “koha venues, such as 17 Tory St, Anvil House, 128 Abel Smith St, and People’s Cinema are underused avenues for emerging artists,” and that these koha environments are advantageous platforms for staging your shows, as: “when you are only paying for electricity, you can afford to take risks.” Knighton describes People’s Cinema as the “perfect opportunity for [our company] as newcomers, as we were able to secure a unique place and to work and craft while sharing the space with other shows,” which meant that the company had to act professionally and respectfully, which is always a valuable growth exercise. He continues, however, that: “spaces like these are perfect for people who need somewhere

to start, but if not enough interest is shown, these places will not survive.” It is therefore valuable to apply for such venues when staging shows, but also to support the wonderful shows that are happening there this Fringe. Gaudin’s show took place at the professional “Gryphon Theatre, where the support from the venue manager and tech manager was fantastic. It was great to have this kind of support… as it was [their] first time putting on a show… [as well as] the theatre itself [being] such a great space.” Similarly, at BATS this Fringe, the convenience of staging a show in a conventional theatre space, due to the brilliance of staff and equipment already present on site, can be incredibly helpful. Then again, there are also shows in bookshops and on moving buses, so it is important to consider the philosophy of your show before applying to any venue. Professional theatre spaces are a wonderful gift, but not your only option. Once a venue is sorted, there are still plenty more challenges to face. Knighton explains that, “in terms of the work, [Fringe] is one of the hardest things you will ever do. All the times when you have spent too much money on the show to afford food that week, [or] a cast member has to pull out… it slowly chips away at you… then something amazing happens and your team pulls it together, your dream is reincarnated, so much more beautiful and powerful than your own personal vision or dream.” Overall, he says, “it is not talent, craft or love that Fringe teaches you, but perseverance, endurance and tenacity.” It is,

he says, the people that make it bearable: “if you have an amazing group of the most genuine loving humans around you, it is all worth it.” Gaudin shares that: “when [she] found [her]self trying to record midi keyboard songs at 4.30 in the morning [she] knew the whole thing must be driving [her] a bit mad. However,” she says, she’s had “the best time, getting to create a piece with two amazing friends.” It appears that it is definitely the people that make Fringe the wonderful journey it is. Other advice pouring forth from these young talented practitioners, is that “marketing is tough. It is hard to put yourself out there. So many gems slip through unrecognised in every Fringe,” says Fenn. “You would be surprised,” he says, “with how many walk-ins you get solely because of the Fringe Booklet [but] you can’t rely on them. Frustratingly, most shows break even out of the pockets of family and friends. It is a real win when you start pulling crowds of strangers to your show,” but marketing is a huge part of this. On crafting what that audience sees, Gaudin advises that if you’re wanting to participate in Fringe, you have to “make sure you are willing to devote a lot of time to it, and also make sure you have a ready supply of tea.” Shows will take time, money, and a hell of a lot of determined spirit. Knighton’s closing advice: “Newcomers: if you want to make something, see everything. We need to support each other in this crowded and earnest field. If what you want to see is not there, then make it.”

www.salient.org.nz

H O W T O TA L K

A RT

It’s hard to know where to start. More often than not, it seems like art belongs to someone else. That it exists in a space penetrable only by the correct qualifications. That it speaks in a language not your own. Spoken faithfully only by those who take into account every reference to other works, every brushstroke or incision, every letter of the artist’s statement of intent. Forgive me if I’m making a sweeping generalisation, for I may be projecting my own anxieties, but it seems that if one wishes to talk about art, the onus is on them to convince anyone listening they deserve to be talking about art. I often make jokes about how few people read my page. Not very funny jokes, but jokes nonetheless. I’m facetious as a defence. I acknowledge art’s lack of practical application as a means of not having to justify why we should pay attention to it. Even Barack Obama, less than a month ago, during a speech at a General Electric plant, acknowledged art’s irrelevance (he later apologised). It’s difficult to argue in art’s defence when it feels like art exists to sustain itself. I’m facetious too, because I feel I have to summon a degree of hubris to be able to tell you whether I think a particular piece of art is good or not. I have to convince you I understand what I’m talking about when often it feels like I don’t. It seems sentimental to argue that art’s value transcends financial return, but I refuse to believe that art really does nothing at all. It can provoke. It can strive for pathos, or mourning, or something shared. It can go nicely with the drapes. It can cost a lot of money and not really make much sense.

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell what art is asking of the viewer. The important thing to remember is that art can’t answer back. Language can fail, though. You reach out for reference points and come up short. Sometimes, art doesn’t remind you of anything. Sometimes, it feels like your feelings are inappropriate – I look at Rita Angus’ portrait of Betty Curnow and I think about an anecdote a lecturer once told about Betty writing to the government asking for a stipend for cigarettes. I’m distracted when I look at Bruce Nauman’s work because of how much of a babe he is. But the thing is, you’re allowed to make wild associations. We see things by making connections, and art doesn’t exist in a vacuum of its own. Art seems to distance itself from the viewer. Art can beg to be interactive, it can let you touch, every now and again, but such immersion is the exception rather than the rule. Unlike music, art doesn’t aim for a collective, visceral experience. It’s easy to tell when a song is sad because it immediately sounds sad. Sometimes, art hides behind itself. Like Félix González-Torres’ Perfect Lovers, what exactly is it about two clocks side by side, falling gradually out of time, that moves someone to tears? It’s not Philistinism to be angered by a work of art. To question whether something even qualifies for the classification. Maybe there’s a middle ground to find, between trusting that an artist knows their work is worthy of a response from you, and feeling at ease that your response is valid. An uncomfortable truth is that art is desperate not to be ignored. Art’s relevance is so precarious that any conversation about it should be appreciated. It’s scary at first, but it’s not as hard as it seems.

Talking about art is often about refusing to be intimidated. To shake off the fear that you might be looking at the work the wrong way. Art feeds on feeling, sometimes more explicitly than others.

the how to issue

by Simon Gennard

How to Grow a Respectable BearD: For many men, a beard is a sign of wisdom and perseverance. Some men will even congratulate each other on their respective beard progress, remarking on the coverage, length and style. But do not be fooled into believing that men are the only people who openly discuss beard etiquette. As a woman (this also applies to our queer male friends) the experience of sucking on facial pubic hair when going in for a pash is highly unpleasant. At long last, here are some femme tips on how to cultivate a respectable yet functional beard. Stubble It is totally understandable that your chosen style of beard will not become apparent until a substantial amount of growth has occurred. Often the hair will also grow in certain places quicker and thicker than in others. Yet it is this liminal phase between Pre-Beard and Beard that the most effort should be made in styling one’s stubble. If possible, keep everything tidy and at a similar length to show that you haven’t just let yourself go after a bender a law camp. Style Obviously the hardest aspect of beard maintenance is style selection. Restraints on the styles available to each individual will vary depending on the location and speed of the growth. But if you are determined to embrace the Sainsbury ‘Stache even if it takes a month to achieve, then good gosh don’t let some Salient writer stop you! However, when selecting the preferred style it is an unfortunate truth that you will be immediately compared to famous men who have already paraded that same fashion in the past. To cope with this, I suggest picking a bearded person/character who you feel a particular connection with. Are you a Charlie Chaplin or a Ho Chi Minh? (Note: either one of these still makes you a communist). Maintenance Using conditioner in your beard is thoroughly encouraged. Can you imagine the tender phalanges of a female exploring the curly locks which grow from your face? This sensual sensation will only be achieved if your beard is smooth, shiny, and seductive. Furthermore, anything that is not intentionally part of your

A Woman’s Perspective

beard – particularly around the mouth region – should preferably be trimmed away. Essentially, if you don’t want another human’s saliva in your beard, keep that shit short.

O v e r s e e N AT V i c Having grown up in a provincial North Island city, my move to Wellington two years ago felt like a fashion emancipation. Finally, there was an entire university - an entire city - which would welcome my clashing colours and shoes that probably belonged to a dead person before I bought them for $12 in an op-shop. My mission with Overseen @ Vic is to document the wonderful variety of Vic students whom also share my Bratz-inspired “passion for fashion,” and to exhibit their uninhibited funk to the world. So look out for the BA student with the over-priced camera. I’m watching

Tamara and Sophie First Year Religious Studies and Development Studies (respectively) What are you doing for O Week? We come from Wellington so we didn’t really wanna wear a t-shirt or do a chant.

Riley Third Year Commerce What are you doing for O Week? Ryan Hemsworth and Twitter www.salient.org.nz

Two Speed

Cryptic Clues across 1. (with 11-D and 32-A) Self-help book about hypnotism, with a focus on being rewarded with 1990s sitcom (3, 2, 3, 7, 3, 9, 6) 8. (with 31-A) Disorganised homey vowed scheme for dairy robbery would result in a book deal (3, 5, 2, 6?) 9. Bounce around with a Pokémon (6) 10. American is inside; draws conclusions about tea-brewers (8) 11. Paying attention while fighting in the emergency room (5) 14. Sing-Sing opening for religious crime (3) 15. Stage uses rough estimates (7, 2) 7. Jacuzzi nadir! (5) 18. Foreign citizen in central Romania (5) 20. Adobe product I see (and hear) is moving in a lithe way (9) 23. Vanilla bean means nothing (3) 24. Particular nerve is a difficult topic (5) 27. Dracula’s group enters, starts the band playing (6, 2) 30. Shoot faster in a frenzy (6) 31. See 8-A 32. See 1-A down 1. Using a different pencil to start bowling, and making a lot of noise about it (7) 2. Animal gains nothing and becomes author (5) 3. Confusion is boost for orchestra members (7) 4. Meth and more meth – it turns up during winter months (3, 7) 5. Staple in American college (4) 6. Look around below for body part (5) 7. Type of kebab, done right (5) 11. See 1-A 12. One massive term employed by buccaneers (5) 13. Some of a gas escapes, but it takes forever (3) 14. Dangerous assumption about quadrophonic or surround-sound (10) 16. Raise up some liquid latex (5) 18. Beatle number five is number six in New Zealand (3) 19. Business abbreviation using a major key (3) 21. Shrieking figure has been going to

Target

pieces (7) 22. Comedic, once delivered? It’s hard to find. Let it go (7) 25. Elect a Russian official (5) 26. Totally, centrally, finally (2, 3) 28. Pares back for forty winks (5) 29. I repeat dogespeak, perhaps (4) Quick Clues across 1. (with 11-D and 32-A) Dale Carnegie self-help book (3, 2, 3, 7, 3, 9, 6) 8. (with 31-A) Self-help book with “littlepeople” (3, 5, 2, 6?) 9. Ground-type Pokémon (6) 10. Things that inject flavour (8) 11. Educated (5) 14. Gluttony, for one (3) 15. Makes a stab (7, 2) 17. Sap (5) 18. Muscat native (5) 20. Moving like a circus performer (9) 23. Nothing on a scoreboard (3) 24. Nerve in the head (5) 27. Includes, in a way (6, 2) 30. Shoot while moving (6) 31. See 8-A 32. See 1-A down 1. Baying (7) 2. Author Virginia (5) 3. Musicians with reed instruments (7) 4. Tiny frozen structure (3, 7) 5. Pilaf ingredient (4) 6. Nudge (5) 7. Type of kebab (5) 11. See 1-A 12. Antivirus software name (5) 13. Very long period (3) 14. Assumption about a group of people (10) 16. Praise (5) 18. Lennon’s lover (3) 19. Abbreviation at the end of some company names (3) 21. Wailing creature in mythology (7) 22. Give up, as in an argument (7) 25. Leader Vladimir (5) 26. With everything considered (2, 3) 28. Take a nap (5) 29. Internet phenomenon (5)

SuDoKu 5 2

8 1 8

4 6

5 8

2 the how to issue

3 8 1 1

8 2

8 7

4 1

2 7

5 4

3 4 7

3 2

4 8

1 7

2 4 3

9 2

3 4

8 7

4 9 3

8 7

1 5 7

6 8

NOTICES MAORI WEBSITE The new Māori at Victoria online hub for Māori students is now available. You can access useful resources, services information and find out more about your whānau on campus. victoria.ac.nz/maori-at-victoria

If you want to send something to the Salient Notices Page, please do. Notices must be 100 words or less. They must in by Wednesday at 5 pm. Send them to us at

VICTORIA SURF Want to learn how to surf? Want to meet other Surfers at Vic? Want to go on sweet ass trips all over New Zealand, get discount surf gear and club merch, free board usage? Look us up “Victoria Surf ” on facebook or email vuw.surf@gmail.com for more info. All welcome learning or pro. Tell yo fraaands!

KOREAN STUDENTS Eung Dap Hara 2014! Special welcoming party for Korean students! Absolutely does not matter what year you are! Come along and have some fun, chill with us! Place: Lifepoint Church (61 Hopper St, Mt Cook, Wellington) Date: Saturday 8 March AM10.30 www.facebook.co.nz/wfgcnz

E N G I N E E R I N G C LU B We are the Victoria Engineering Club, We exist for students interested in engineering and generally building cool stuff. We run many events through the year including LANs, paint-balling, and film nights. Our AGM is on Friday the 7th at 6pm in AM102/104: any and all are welcome to come and join us for pizza.

CAREERS Upcoming Free Careers Events for all students Employer presentations First NZ Capital 5-Mar

When: 6.30pm Tuesday, 4 March Where: SU219, Student Union Building, VUW

Forsyth Barr 6-Mar EY 11-Mar Disney’s International Programs 12-Mar Deloitte 12-Mar Deloitte Consulting 13-Mar Audit New Zealand 17-Mar Crowe Horwath 18-Mar The Treasury 19-Mar Reserve Bank 27-Mar

Capitalism has for the first time in human history made it possible to alleviate human suffering, and create a society fit for all to not only live, but prosper. Yet we live in a world where the gap between the rich and poor grows ever wider, people are alienated and exploited, and for many billions, the basic needs of food and shelter cannot even properly be met. This is as true today as it was in 1848, and it was in this context that Marx and Engels wrote The Communist Manifesto. It was a road map for revolution, and holds valuable lessons for today. Meeting hosted by International Socialist Club

Careers Expo

Toastmasters

editor@salient.org.nz

C LU B S C O R R E C T I O N Missing from last week’s clubs directory: Engineering Club www.facebook.com/engrclub HumanFM humanfmcontact@gmail.com not studio@ humanfm.co.nz.

The Communist Manifesto and its Relevance Today

Summer Law Clerk Recruitment Material Distribution Days Thursday &Friday 6 & 7 March Commerce & Law Careers Expo 18-Mar 2014/15 Internships and Graduate Jobs closing dates! The Boston Consulting Group 4-Mar Disney’s International Programs 4-Mar Macquarie Group 6-Mar First NZ Capital 6-Mar Forsyth Barr 7-Mar Goldman Sachs 9-Mar Permanent Mission of New Zealand to the United Nations 9-Mar UBS 10-Mar EY 24-Mar Grant Thornton 26-Mar PricewaterhouseCoopers 26-Mar Crowe Horwath 28-Mar Wilson Harle 28-Mar Motu Economic and Public Policy Research Trust 30-Mar Deloitte 30-Mar Microsoft Corp 1-Apr Details on CareerHub: www.victoria. ac.nz/careerhub Start preparing your CV - attend workshops, get your CV checked…

Welcome back staff, undergraduate and postgraduate students, Ever thought of improving your public speaking skills? Gain more confidence and becoming a better leader? Why not come to one of our meetings and see whether Toastmasters could be the answer. Victoria University Toastmasters meets every Wednesday in Room 219 (Opposite main Entrance Student Memorial Theatre) at 12 noon. See you there!

Film Society Do you like FREE films? How about cheap pizza? Do you yearn for stimulating life experiences? If so, Victoria’s own Film Society can guarantee at least two of those things! Come along to our first 2014 showing and discover the bittersweet romance and off-beat comedy of Wristcutters: A Love Story, as well as the psychological titillation of Oldboy (someone eats an octopus!). All this and maybe a little more in the Memorial Theatre, Student Union Building at 6:30pm THIS THURSDAY. Come find us in the hub during Clubs Week to sign up and win prizes!

www.salient.org.nz

WHATS ON

The Engine Room Paul Cullen – 4–16 Mar An exploration of precariousness, spatial tension and perception.

Music Visual Arts City Gallery Simon Starling: In Speculum – 21 Feb – 16 Mar The first survey of the Turner Prize–winner’s art to be exhibited in Australasia. On display as part of the NZ Festival. Jason Maling: The Physician – 1–12 Mar Cure your ‘art anxiety’ with personalised treatments from the Melbourne-based artist. Booking essential. http://www.thephysician. info/ Enjoy Helen Calder – Qualia 760-620 – 19 Feb – 15 Mar An exploration of subjective experience through a series of monochromatic paint forms. The Dowse Shapeshifter 2014 – 22 Feb – 16 Mar Lower Hutt’s Civic Gardens are brought to life in this outdoor sculpture exhibition. Slip Cast – 21 Feb – 16 Mar Recent works by some of New Zealand’s most innovative ceramicists.

Big Trouble at Meow, Monday 8.30 pm, $5. Rudimental at TSB Bank Arena, Wednesday 8 pm, $85 + BF.. Nicole Andrews & Albi at Bodega, Wednesday 9 pm, free. Nadia Reid at Dowse Art Gallery, Thursday 9 pm, koha. Eb and Sparrow at Mighty Mighty, Thursday 9.30 pm, free. Sky Village (EP release) with Nikita The Spooky & The Circus Of Men at Meow, Thursday 8 pm, $10. The Mantarays at Mighty Mighty, Friday 10.30 pm, free. Clap Clap Riot (album release) with Nobody / Everybody at Puppies, Saturday 8 pm, $15 pre/ $20 door. Stitches (EP release) with Setting Fire to Stacey at The San Francisco Bath House, Saturday 8.30pm, $10. PCP Eagles, D Burmester And Mr Sterile Assembly at Mighty Mighty, Saturday 10.30pm, $10.

VBC GUIDE

the how to issue

Books Writers Week: THE QUIET VOLUME An immersive live literary experience. Put on headphones and let words guide you through the ear and on the page. Every Tues–Sat until 15 March, sessions 3.45–10.15 pm National Library of New Zealand $30. Book tickets at festival.co.nz/the-quietvolume/

Theatre Tuesday 4 March until Saturday 8 March Birds 6.30 pm BATS Theatre – Duration 50 min – Full $18, Concession $14, Group $12, Fringe Addict $12, Artist Card $12 Tuesday 4 March until Saturday 8 March 3x20 8 pm BATS Theatre – Duration 1 hour – Full $18, Concession $14.

Film - Wellington Film Society screens Berberian Sound Studio] for its first session of the year at Paramount on Monday 3 March. - Movies to watch out for are: Inside Llewyn Davis, Dallas Buyers Club and All is Lost.

contributors editors: Duncan McLachlan & Cameron Price d e s i g n e r : I m o g e n Te m m news editor: Sophie Boot c r e at i v e e d i t o r : C h l o e Dav i e s c h i e f s u b - e d i t o r : N i c k Fa r g h e r distributor: Joe Morris f e at u r e w r i t e r : P h i l i p M c S w e e n e y ( c h i e f ) , P e n n y G a u lt , Alex Hollis n e w s i n t e r n s : S i m o n D e n n i s , S t e p h Tr e n g r o v e

arts editors: Nina Powles (Books)Charlotte Doyle (Film) H e n r y C o o k e ( M u s i c ) , R o s e C a n n ( Th e a t r e ) , S i m o n G e n n a r d ( Vi s u a l A r t s ) , E l i s e M u n d e n ( Fa s h i o n ) general contributors: M at t Ba r n e s , R o b e rt Ba r r at t, H i l a ry B e at t i e , N i c o l a B r a i d , C at h ry n B r i d g e s , G e o rg i a C a m e ro n , S o n ya Cl ark, Daniel Deans, Dan Haines, Russ Kale, Eve K e n n e d y, L i a m K e n n e d y, S a m m i e L a s s e n , G e o rg i a L at i e f, M o l ly M c C a rt h y, Jo rd a n M c C lu s k ey, C h r i s M c I n t y re , Hugo McKinnon, Andrew Mahoney, Eleanor Merton, Gus Mitchell, Samantha Morris, Jamie Neikrie, Sam Patc h e t t ( S p o rts W r i t e r ) , A l i c e P e ac o c k , S a m i Poy n t e r Mellors, Rachel Riedel, Sofia Roberts, Carlo Salizzo, F r a n c e s c a S h e p a r d , To m S h o r e , E v a n g e l i n a Te l f a r , C o n n o r Th o m p s o n , B r i t t a n y T r a v e r s , M a y o r C e l i a Wa d e - B r o w n , D o c Wa t s o n

contributor of the week Phoebe Morris

www.salient.org.nz

O T N I GET T S E T T O H E H T N W O T N I GIG eek w r e p 5 9 . ust $1n9hold twice a year. j – r e f f o o udent mbership Special sluts, we’ll let you put your me

fee. P No joining

Love the buzz you get from a great gig? Don’t wait for Friday night. Join Les Mills and get the endorphins flowing now! Les Mills has what it takes to get you going and keep you going: the latest music, the world’s best fitness classes, and the energy to get you past your excuses and meet goals you don’t even know you have yet! LES MILLS HUTT CITY: 7 Pretoria Street, Lower Hutt. LES MILLS EXTREME: Hope Gibbons Building, 52-70 Taranaki Street, Wellington. LES MILLS ON THE TERRACE: Unisys House, 66 The Terrace, Wellington.

* Conditions apply. See lesmills.co.nz/student-terms-conditions. $19.95 per week rate is for a new Les Mills 12-month tertiary student membership only. Offer ends Sunday 30th March 2014.