Issue 10 | Drink More Water

Issue #10

Volume 81

Drink More Water

THE MAJESTIC

S HE W E E

CONTENTS EDITOR'S LETTER 3 NEWS News 4 Political Round-Up 8 Opinion 10 *News* 12 LETTERS & NOTICES 15 FEATURES Welfare Advocacy in the District Court 16 The Majestic Shewee 20 Some Lived Experiences: Six Stories of Assault 26 POEM 23 CENTREFOLD 24 COLUMNS Presidential Address 30 VUWSA 30 Philosoraptor 31 Te Ara Tauira 32 Access Denied 32 From the Archives 33 Mauri Ora 34 The "F" Word 34 Shit Chat 35 REVIEWS Book 36 Art 37 Television 38 Theatre 39 Film 40 Music 41 Podcast 42 ENTERTAINMENT Dear Daddy Dave 43 Horoscope 44 Distractions 45 Triggerfin 46

2

EDITOR'S LETTER SITTING IN THE GAPS OF OUR CONVERSATIONS CW: sexual assault.

When I was 19 years old, walking down an unfamiliar street in Thailand, my mother told me she had been raped by her father. We'd been arguing that night.

She was telling me that she had a “big secret” that would explain things, that she'd tell me once I was older and "ready for it". "I'm 19," I said. "An adult. I'll never be more ready." She'd only told a few people in her life. My dad, a couple from her church, and now, me and my sister.

I just think it's weird that when I was a kid I didn't realise how pervasive sexual violence is. I thought men and women were "pretty much equal" because 10% didn't sound like a big pay gap. I didn't know what I didn't know, and I didn't know because no one talked about it. And it turns out that it was a big part of my life all along, but so enmeshed that I couldn't see it.

I think it's awesome that and super brave of the VUWSA exec and Kii to share their stories. They're risking a lot.

They might not be believed, they might be belittled, their exes might get angry or violent. What we all stand to gain from these stories being told is wider social understanding of how pervasive sexual violence is. Most of the women in VUWSA had a story to share. I strongly suspect that most of the women you encounter in your life will have stories of their own. The more we talk about it, the more we can understand it. The more we understand it, the more we can change it.

Such a formative event in my mother's life, she kept secret for most of it because of the shame and social stigma surrounding the topic. It's funny how sometimes we don't talk about the big things — they sit in the gaps of our conversations.

Sometimes I feel like I can attribute so many of my childhood events to her past — the fact that we only ever had female pets, because male animals were "more vicious", her social insecurity, her need for control, her hysteria when one of her male friends wrote me a love letter when I was 15. But it's hard to tell. The event-emotion-thought-action chain is something that can only ever be guessed at.

LOUISE LIN Editor

3

The News MONDAY 21 MAY 2018

Victoria Students Dissatisfied with Counselling Appointment Wait Periods OLIVIA PHILIP & SHANTI MATHIAS Student counselling services have also been steering away from making external referrals. Hoffman has reasoned that services like Evolve and Wellington Women’s Health Collective are amazing, but really under resourced, and “in reality can only see small numbers of young people”.

Student Counselling is fully funded by the student services levy.

Hoffman said that Student Health could get more counsellors if given [more money] from the Government or VUW. However, he believes that hiring more counsellors won’t solve the problem of long wait times, as their intake rate would just go up.

In comparison, there is no wait time for counselling at Otago University’s student health clinic. Currently, students can book in for same day appointments with their MHS team, which is a group of mental health clinicians. If the student requires counselling then they are given an appointment with one of the counsellors – typically for the following week after that initial appointment (depending on urgency). The Otago University structure for Student Health and counselling services is a Clinical Group, which differs from Vic as they don’t market themselves as a counselling specific service.

The average waiting period for a counselling appointment with Student Health is four weeks. There has been general student dissatisfaction with this, and Gerard Hoffman, Head of Student Health and Counselling, agrees that it is “not okay”.

Victoria University has one of the biggest counselling/mental health teams in the Wellington area, with 11 counsellors employed.

Last year, over 2100 Vic students were patients. At a hospital, a similar number of professionals might only have seen 300 clients.

An anonymous student said “It’s just frustrating being told you have to wait five weeks for an appointment with a counsellor, I understand that my mental health needs aren’t as urgent as some others but it kind of feels like the service isn’t valuable at all if you can’t be seen reasonably quickly. I’d rather pay to go to an outside therapist, because in five weeks I’m not going to be dealing with the same issues.”

Another student was resigned to the reality of this, and said that wait times for counselling “w[ere]n’t too bad” as he “only had to wait a few weeks” from booking a counselling session to seeing a counsellor. When he did see a counsellor, however, he mentioned it was “really effective [at] giving me some short term solutions to what I was feeling”.

“WE GOT THE PRICE WRONG” University Backs Down Over Overpriced Flat LIAM POWELL is $266.67 per person. Studylink will pay a maximum of $231.92 per week for living costs, making a potential shortfall of $34.74 on a property available only to students.

Salient asked the University why it was charging the upper limit for a flat, and what it had to say in response to the angry commenters.

The Director of Student and Campus living, Rainsforth Dix, has issued an apology about the listing.

Dix confessed that “We made a mistake and the house should not have been advertised at this price”.

Although she stated that “[w] e are acutely aware of the financial circumstances of students and we take this into account when setting prices,” no explanation was given as to why the mistake occurred and why it was not rectified sooner.

Victoria University has pulled an advertisement for a three bedroom Kelburn flat costing $800 per week, after a hostile online reaction.

The advertisement was removed from TradeMe less than a week after it was posted, although the original Vic Deals listing remains online.

The furnished flat was listed on Vic Deals on 26 April as a “student exclusive” and linked to a Trade Me listing. The rent included internet and power. It received unanimous condemnation from Vic Deals commenters, who described the price as “daylight robbery” and “expensive af ”.

VUW tells potential flatters in its online information about private accommodation that the average cost of a three bedroom student flat is $630 to $800 per week. $800 a week for a three bedroom flat 4

NEWS

MONDAY 21 MAY 2018

NZUSA Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel LOUISE LIN “detrimental to the association”.

Gee said that the financial situation of NZUSA for the last six years has been “precarious”, after the Voluntary Student Membership (VSM) Bill passed in 2011. VSM means that it is no longer compulsory for students to pay student union memberships.

As a result, income for student associations now comes from the Student Services Levy, which is set by the university.

In 2011, NZUSA received $460,000 revenue from student association levies. In 2012, this number dropped to $189,000. In 2018, they received $180,000 of funding. NZUSA has passed a number of deficit budgets since 2011.

NZUSA was founded in 1929 to advocate for and represent students. They lobby MPs to support student friendly policies, provide training to student associations, and conduct research to ensure their platforms are evidence based.

In the post-VSM climate it was a “struggle” for NZUSA to continue, said Gee. However, he mentioned that there is a “strong desire amongst our membership to see us survive and succeed in the future”, which he said was demonstrated in the student associations’ decisions to pay early.

Gee said disbanding VSM is “definitely on the agenda” for NZUSA. He added that they “try to be evidence based”, and want to find out more about the implications of VSM before planning any campaigns.

Following an emergency committee meeting, Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association has voted to pay $22,750 of their 2019 levy to the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) last Monday. The vote was passed with one abstention from Treasurer Jack Donovan.

Matt Tucker, VUWSA CEO, said that this payment will not have an effect on VUWSA’s 2018 budget, as VUWSA is treating this as an advanced payment. He said that “as an accounting practice this is not considered unusual and has happened in past years”.

NZUSA has requested early levies from six of its student association members, which NZUSA president Jonathan Gee said came as “a bit of a shock” to members.

All six member associations from which NZUSA have requested early payment have voted to pay part of their 2019 levy early. The associations are VUWSA, Otago University Students’ Association, Lincoln University Students’ Association, Massey University Student Association, and Albany Students’ Association.

While NZUSA’s 2018 budget passed without deficit, Gee said they “incurred a number of unexpected costs,” and “as a small organization with limited cash reserves, the situation came to a head”.

The Executive Director of NZUSA had resigned in February this year after six years on the job, which meant there was a significant amount of leave entitlements to be paid out. NZUSA Finance Chair Caitlin Barlow-Groome said the resignation was

Taking on Letting Fees EMMA SIDNAM holding open homes, interviewing tenants, and preparing tenancy agreements. The fee is normally one week’s rent plus GST, and cannot be charged to renewing leases.

Massey University research has shown letting fees to increase inequity.

This is because higher-income tenants can afford to selectively choose properties that don’t have letting fees, whereas lower-income tenants tend to move more which would result in them paying more letting fees.

Some commentators have speculated that banning letting fees will cause rents to rise. However, when Scotland banned letting fees in 2012, only two percent of landlords increased rent as a result of the letting fee ban, according to a survey.

If you want your opinion to be heard, make a submission at the VUWSA website www.vuwsa.org.nz/rta

VUWSA is currently rallying behind the Residential Tenancies (Prohibiting Letting Fees) Amendment Bill, which was introduced

by Housing Minister Phil Twyford on 22 March 2018. VUWSA is running an online crowdsourced submission box on their website; all contributions will be added to a collective VUWSA submission to the Select Committee dealing with the proposed Bill.

“Letting fees are an unjustifiable tax on renters,” said Twyford as he announced the Bill.

VUWSA President Marlon Drake said “The impact of letting fees on our students means a lack of mobility, and a loss of money which could be better spent... they do more harm than good”.

Under the Residential Tenancies Act 1986, solicitors or letting agents are able to charge “letting fees” to assign a tenancy. A letting fee is extra money that people pay for the property managers’ time spent 5

NEWS

MONDAY 21 MAY 2018

Queer Coverage: Local, National, and International LGBTQIA+ News CHAR EARLE , UNIQ VICTORIA GENERAL EXEC PAKISTAN PASSES TRANSGENDER RIGHTS PROTECTIONS INTO LAW Pakistan’s Parliament has passed a bill guaranteeing basic human rights for its trans citizens.

The bill includes the right for citizens to self-identify as male, female, both, or neither on any legal documentation, including driver’s licences and passports. It also specifically bans the denial of basic human rights based trans identities.

The bill has been identified as a strong base to continue the amendment of law to include and support gender minorities in Pakistan.

FLORIDIAN RENTER TOLD TO REMOVE “OFFENSIVE” PRIDE FLAG A homeowner’s association in Brevard County, Florida, has asked local resident Jennifer Raymond to take down the pride flag that she has been flying for two years. “Allowing the flag to be flown is setting a precedence [sic] for other homeowners to fly other offensive flags,” said the email, forwarded to Raymond by her landlord.

Raymond, a lesbian mother of three, disagreed. “It’s a symbol of acceptance, tolerance, and equality. They’re saying it’s offensive. To me, that’s like saying I’m offensive because I exist.”

Her landlord has supported her position and is opposing the homeowner’s association request.

9:00am 10:00am 11:00am

Monday

Tuesday

Joe & Lachy

Breakfast with Jasper

4:00pm 5:00pm 6:00pm 7:00pm 8:00pm Late Night

Thursday

Talk shit, donʼt get hit

Friday

Saturday

Is This Thing On?

Out Da House

Sunday

Breakfast with Jasper

Ürümqi Hot Pot Club

Koko with Mo

Celeb Goss

VUWSA/ Off the Record

PMO Tuesdays

Lazy Dry Cynical Radio Show

Afternoon 3

Office Hours Golden Showers

Kamikaze Pilots

Sounds Gay

Aggressively Annoying

Rubes Tunes

The B Room

Fresher Flavour

The Week-Edge

Billy Bowdens Big 6

Two Sheilas Talking Out

Late Comers

Reel Music

2Girls 1Aux

Label Radio

2 Girls 1 Aux

Beers, Boots & Bunch of Bastards

Happy Endings

Hi Fi Hour

Salient Sports

Citizen Kane

The F Word

true crime w/prncess & friends

1:00pm

3:00pm

Wednesday

Hutt Valley High School

Māori Matters

12:00pm

2:00pm

LENA WAITHE ADORNS PRIDE FLAG AT MET GALA Actor and screenwriter Lena Waithe made an appearance at this year’s Met Gala red carpet in a large, Pride Flag inspired cape. The theme for this year’s Met Gala was “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination”, and saw a range of Catholic based outfits.

Waithe was an exception, using the high profile event to promote and celebrate queer identities with the Pride Flag, which included a brown stripe as an explicit reference to queer PoC. “It’s like my skin.

I’m proud to be in it and put the community on my back to make sure they know I got ’em all the time,” Waithe said to onlookers at the Gala.

Host a Show with Salient FM

Talking & playing music

8:00am

TONGAN ROYAL FAMILY MEMBER SPEAKS OUT AGAINST ISRAEL FOLAU COMMENTS Homophobic comments made by Israel Folau last month continue to attract criticism, most recently from members of the Tongan Royal Family. Frederica Tuita Filipe, niece of the Tongan King George IV, tweeted her criticism of Folau’s comments on 9 May: “My silence was my attempt at respecting our different interpretations, but I fear by doing that I’m encouraging the marginalisation of a group of people I love & serve as much as any other Tongan.”

New Zealand rugby teams have also continued to show symbolic support for the LGBTQIA+ community, notably Halfback TJ Perenara and other members of the Hurricanes.

Same Same But Different

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NEWS

MONDAY 21 MAY 2018

TRUMP'S AME RICA Eating the Entire Cake Store and Running it Too TORI BRIGHT On 10 May the Chinese Government signed a deal that granted $500 million in loans to the “MNC Lido City” project. The prospective theme park resort just outside of Jakarta is to be licensed to the Trump Organization, featuring Trump branded hotels and a golf course. President Trump is set to be enriched personally by this deal, through both $3.7 million in licensing and consulting fees, and the “additional unspecified incentives” alluded to in the deal. Just 72 hours after the deal was made, President Trump tweeted ordering a bailout for cellphone manufacturer ZTE — a company owned by the Chinese Government and recently crippled by sanctions enforced by the Trump administration.

Trump tweeted on 14 May “President Xi of China, and I, are working together to give massive Chinese phone company, ZTE, a way to get back into business, fast. Too many jobs in China lost. Commerce Department has been instructed to get it done!”. Trump’s own Commerce Department had originally banned the export of American technology to ZTE, believing the company to be violating sanctions against North Korea and Iran set by Trump himself. The ban was to be imposed for seven years and ZTE was looking at shutting down; Trump's tweet came just a month later.

Prior to his inauguration, Donald Trump vowed that he would

not pursue any new foreign business deals while in office. After winning the 2016 election, Trump gave the control of his real estate business to his two eldest sons, but did not divest himself financially from the Trump Organization. As well as breaking that personal promise, the President is also in clear violation of the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution, which prohibits a sitting President from receiving any profit via salary or gift from a foreign government.

Board Chair of the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) Norm Eisen tweeted on 15 May “This is a violation of the Emoluments Clause. A big one. See you in court Mr. Trump”. CREW has previously sued Trump over ethics violations, citing numerous violations of the Emoluments Clause with foreign diplomats regularly patronizing Trump hotels and restaurants.

The White House was questioned on why the President was attempting to relieve a Chinese Government-owned company from his own trade policies, if this decision was related at all to the half a billion dollar boost the Trump organization has just received from the Chinese Government, and how the Emoluments Clause was remotely being adhered to.

Deputy Press Secretary Raj Shah declined answering any questions on the matter, telling members of the press “I’ll have to refer you to the Trump Organization”.

Inaugural Opening of Student Art Exhibition MATILDA BOESE-WONG piece. Squire was delighted with the variety of submissions, saying “really diverse art from a diverse range of artists is what we aspire to”.

Anya Seth’s pottery was a crowd favourite, selling all 12 of her pieces within the first half hour. Over 40 pieces of work were sold over the course of the evening.

Contributors felt that it was inspiring and refreshing to have young artists supporting each other. Film and Law student Navneeth Nair contributed three pieces to the exhibition, and said he felt “humbled to have the opportunity to display something I created among such a wide range of talented artists and creatives”.

Third year Architecture student and artist Alice Harcourt commented “It makes me want to create more! I have been to all of the exhibitions so far and they are most definitely my favourite event I have been involved in during the three years I’ve been at Vic”.

Pretentious But Not Expensive is a series of exhibitions founded

by Squire and Fauvel in 2017 after they faced difficulties getting their art exhibited. They decided to begin hosting guerrilla-style exhibitions in student flats around Wellington, allowing anyone to submit their art. The pair wanted to democratise the art community, and create an inclusive platform for young people to exhibit and sell their art. Pretentious But Not Expensive is not for profit, with 100% of the proceeds going back to the artists.

Tuesday 15 May was the opening night for the VUWSA Student Art Exhibition, held in collaboration with students Violette Squire and Leo Fauvel. The opening night was called Pretentious but not Expensive, in reference to art exhibitions hosted by Squire and Fauvel by the same name. Submissions to the exhibition were open to the university students for Arts Week, and student pieces were available for purchase. VUWSA hopes to make this exhibition a cornerstone event of their annual Arts Week.

Opening night saw over 100 attendees fill the mezzanine study space in Maclaurin, including local Wellington MP Nicola Willis, who gave a speech and performed the ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Willis purchased four pieces from the exhibition.

Bethany Parker, VUWSA Events Manager, said VUWSA is “so happy” with how the event ran. She said “Not only does it celebrate art and culture on campus, it financially benefits student artists, which we think is so important to support”. She added that “VUWSA would like to thank Squire and Fauvel for their incredible hard work in helping and getting the event off the ground”.

Fauvel was elated at the exhibition’s success. “Events like this create opportunities for artists that otherwise wouldn’t have exposure, or the confidence to show their work. It could definitely be a stepping stone for bigger and better things.”

Over 100 pieces were submitted by Victoria students, spanning different mediums from painting and prints to a projected film 7

Political Round-Up MONDAY 21 MAY 2018 Homelessness Prevention Programme Extended to Various Towns in New Zealand Several regions across New Zealand have been selected for a new housing initiative set up by the Ministry of Housing and Urban Development.

On Friday 4 May the Government announced that the Housing First Programme is set to receive $63.4 million dollars, as laid out in this year’s Budget.

The scheme is set to be rolled out across Whangarei, Northland, Rotorua, Napier and Hastings, Nelson, and Blenheim. These regions were selected by the Government because of a severe shortage of available housing and skyrocketing numbers of people on the streets.

Housing and Urban Development Minister Phil Twyford said that this tailored approach to create housing means that the homeless can experience an increase in mental and physical wellbeing.

“Housing First aims to end homelessness for people, not just manage it. The goal is that homelessness should be brief, rare, and non-recurring.”

Even though this programme is getting a significant amount of funding from the Treasury, Twyford admitted that there was no confirmation about how much this would cost the taxpayer. “[The] Government will take a staged approach to expanding the programme into [these regions], which we expect to begin later this year or next year,” said Twyford.

Pests Get a Kick in Budget 2018 On the 12 May, Conservation Minister Eugenie Sage announced that the Department of Conservation (DoC) would be given $81.3 million dollars to combat predators. The area that can be protected would cover an area the size of Northland and Auckland combined, which will be the largest ever area protected by DoC. Sage stated that there is a large percentage of native wildlife that are at risk of extinction, and this money will help control the spread of predators in an integrated way.

Forest and Bird praised the move, with spokesperson Kevin Hackwell saying that there would be regular pest management within a four year stretch — a tenfold increase from previous Government contributions. “In the past the Department of Conservation has had to go ... cap in hand to get one-off funding to respond to those emergencies, now the government is saying that it's going to baseline a bigger amount than even those emergency years, as a baseline, that's a huge improvement.”

In New Zealand native forests without

pest control, one in four kiwi chicks do not survive their first year.

North and South Korea Relations Get Encouragement From NZ Government The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade has stated it will donate $200,000 to the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) to aid its monitoring of the North Korean Nuclear Programme.

This comes after a phone call between Foreign Minister Winston Peters and his South Korean counterpart Kang Kyungwha on the 14 May. Peters said that The South is closely monitoring the promised denuclearisation of the Korean Peninsula.

“We want to make an early contribution to assist the IAEA in its current monitoring efforts and further hope that its inspectors are soon able to return to North Korea,” said Peters.

The IAEA is an international institution which aims to promote “safe, secure, and peaceful nuclear technologies”, according to its website.

- Thomas Campbell

THE PARTY LINE Should New Zealand abolish prisons?

VICNATS Once the Ardern-Peters government has legislated away crime, alongside poverty and the housing crisis, we look forward to enthusiastically supporting the abolition of prisons too. Such will be a further step towards the socialist paradise we all deserve, and can obviously so easily achieve.

- Grahame Woods VICLABOUR Prisons work best when they rehabilitate offenders and provide a culture where the offenders learn how to become better functioning members of society, rather than reinforce the behaviors they already exhibit.

Prisons in NZ, for the large part, do the latter.

The institutions that are prisons should not be abolished, but the ideologies and techniques they present and use should be.

GREENS AT VIC Yes. Prisons are inhumane, and so are the common assumptions about crime and society that are used to justify them. The evidence contradicts what we think prisons 8

are for. Department of Corrections admits of a 44% re-incarceration rate, three years after release. Rather than addressing social harm, prisons perpetuate them.

Solitary confinement exemplifies the inhumanity of prisons. 12,000 prisoners per year are held in a cell and denied human interaction for 22-24 hours a day. Almost every year, a person takes their own life in solitary.

Prison abolition is about addressing social harms: how they’re caused, and how we heal them. The individualistic criminal justice system presumes we need to punish. Actually, we should take collective responsibility for how capitalism and colonisation destroys lives and communities. Prison abolition prioritises tikanga Māori and the rights of poor and working class people.

Although reforms like banning solitary confinement are necessary for prison abolition, they are insufficient. Other measures, such as restoring welfare, and paying living wage are part of the story.

Prison abolition as an ultimate end goal will keep us in check as we make the necessary changes to reach it.

- Jack Liang and Hugo Robinson ACT ON CAMPUS No we shouldn’t. However we need to look at smarter ways of rehabilitation for prisoners. Act has a policy around literacy for prisoners, by becoming more educated prisoners can earn some time off their sentence. This incentivises learning, improves the lives of prisoners by giving them valuable life skills and reduces the cost that the state has to cover in housing prisoners.

- James Allan

Sports MONDAY 21 MAY 2018

NBA SEASON: JUST LIKE THE MOVIES KELLEN FARMER

despite being in his 15th year, the Golden State Warriors continue to play as the villains of the competition, with big bad Kevin Durant, his sidekick Steph Curry, and the rest of the entourage cruising through the regular season and first two rounds of the playoffs with ease. James Harden chucked up more three pointers than you could poke a stick at, and of course an NBA season wouldn’t be complete without some sort of drama surrounding Russell Westbrook at OKC, who faced a huge amount of criticism following a first round playoff exit, even though he averaged a triple-double for the second consecutive season.

The 2018 NBA Finals will start on 31 May, a little over a week away. It will be a predictable end to what has been, for many, a predictable season. Watching the NBA season this year has been like watching your favourite movie for the third or fourth time: there may be some parts in the middle you had forgotten about, some of the jokes are still hilarious, but the ending is still the same.

It seems like forever since 17 October, when the season’s opening game between Eastern Conference rivals the Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers was delayed, following new Celtics signing Gordon Hayward gruesomely snapping his ankle just 5 minutes into his first game for the 17-time champions, ending his season before it had really begun.

Like a classic superhero film, this season will (yet again) have a predictable ending. The Golden State Warriors will beat LeBron and the Cavaliers in the NBA finals in five or six games, once again proving that the league is a guard dominated league and that shooting the three ball has revolutionised today’s game. They will win their third title in just four years, prolonging the dynasty in Oakland, and demonstrating why teams should live and die by the three.

Since then, the NBA season has trudged along. There have been a few pleasant surprises like the Philadelphia 76ers making a return to the playoffs for the first time since 2012, lead by promising duo Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid. The Toronto Raptors quietly going about their business, claiming the 1st seed in the Eastern Conference, the rise and maturity of Donovan Mitchell, who pushed the Houston Rockets to five games in the second round of the playoffs, and of course Anthony Davis finally coming into his own in New Orleans and winning his first playoff series.

It would be absurd for any NBA fan, myself included, to say that they won’t watch the NBA anymore because it has become too predictable. While it may be frustrating to have the same two teams in the finals for the fourth consecutive year, like your favourite movie, you watch it because you love the story, or the jokes, or the characters. No one watches a movie for the fourth time because they want to be surprised by the ending.

However, these pleasant surprises are like the parts of a re-watched movie you had forgotten about. Everything else is what it has always been. LeBron James (Superman) is still the best player in the league 9

Opinion MONDAY 21 MAY 2018

RELIGION ON THE RED CARPET: THE MET GALA DEBATE TE PAEA HOORI how people figured that this was the right word to describe what went down at the Met Gala. When you think “minority”, you think small right? As of 2017, about 22% of people in the US identified as Catholic — and 22% certainly isn’t a majority. But a low headcount isn’t the only qualifying feature of a minority culture. Social majority isn’t just a numbers game, it also refers to the distribution of power. Power in the form of laws and civil rights; power in the form of wealth and economic opportunity; power in the form of political influence and institutionalised advantage.

In typical Met Gala fashion (pun intended), I woke on Wednesday to find that “cultural appropriation” and “Rihanna” were once again atop the suggestions list when I hit up Google for my annual couture fix. These two searches haven’t historically lead me to the same image, but as it turns out our favourite bad girl is this year’s poster child for the Met Gala’s annual controversy.

First, some context. If you aren’t one to follow celebrities, or Vogue America’s social calendar, particularly closely, you may not know a whole lot about the event. Once known as the Costume Institute Gala, this ritzy function is the annual fundraiser for the Costume Institute of New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the Gala is always themed according to the Institute’s current exhibition.

Vogue’s editor-in-chief Anna Wintour has chaired the gala quite literally as long as I’ve been alive and personally controls who can and cannot attend. There are only two ways to get onto that guest list: you can either be invited by Anna personally and fork out for the $US30K+ ticket yourself, or alternatively, you can be invited by a corporation that has coughed up a lazy quarter mil for a table, and then be approved by Ms. Wintour. Hear me when I say: this event is as heavily curated as the exhibition itself.

Dear outraged religious assembly: do not confuse “unpopular” for “minority”. You may feel like you are losing a battle to secularism, and that America and the world is descending into moral chaos; as puritanical etiquette falls away to make way for unbiased love and bodily-autonomy for women, you may feel like the odds are stacked against you. When you pull the minority card, however, shit gets real. You make me forget how delicious post-Sunday-mass baking was, and how calming my highschool chapel was. Instead, you just make me think of missionary colonialism, transphobic sentiment, and the upcoming Irish referendum.

I have to wonder if the exhibition’s curator Andrew Bolton realised how tongue-in-cheek this theme would truly be. Interviews reveal his intention was to show the mutually informed relationship between Catholicism and fashion — but I can’t tell if he’d intended it be served with such a hearty dollop of irony. A lavish ceremonial occasion reserved only for the anointed? Our current Pope may be doing a great job of refocusing the Church on Caritas (charity), but I can’t think of an event more appropriate for a denomination with such a lengthy history of brazen indulgence.

For the guests, the event centres around a banquet and live performances. For us lowly peasants, however, a strictly policed social media ban means that our only engagement with the event is watching the stars walk the red carpet to the entrance.

This year’s exhibition is titled Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination.

Naturally, the attire on show was opulent and adorned with symbolism. Katy Perry needed to be transported in a convertible to allow for her angel wings, which were about one and a third her height; Blake Lively arrived in a party bus to make room for the train of her exquisitely beaded Versace number. It was Riri’s Cardinal headdress, however, that caused the twitter-sphere to explode. Catholics and conservatives the world over quickly ran to ring the “cultural appropriation” bell and were utterly shook when the leftie cavalry did not arrive — the first of oh-so-many layers of irony.

Even if Catholicism did qualify as a marginalised community, the 2018 Met Gala could be better described as cultural engagement.

The distinction between engagement and appropriation lies in both proactive consent and shared mutual benefits. The Vatican expressed its endorsement by lending the institute more than 40 artefacts and garments from its private collection; the Archbishop of New York’s Roman Catholic diocese personally lent Rihanna one of his Cardinal Mitres for the occasion. In a hierarchy-structured church like Catholicism, assent doesn’t really get more clear than that.

It is unlikely you have got this far through the semester at a university that offers so many humanities papers, without at least stumbling across the term “cultural appropriation”. But if these recent events have taught us anything, it is that a lot of us could probably do with a refresher.

But look, I get it. Using visual coding that is so deeply significant can be complicated. The red carpet looks could be described as many things. Sacrilegious. Insensitive. A great PR move on the part of a church with dwindling youth numbers. But it sure as hell ain’t cultural appropriation.

The term “cultural appropriation” hails from the realm of sociology, and refers to the adoption of aspects of a minority culture by those of the dominant culture. At first glance of this definition, I can see 10

Opinion MONDAY 21 MAY 2018

KUSHNER'S PEACE PLAN FOR THE MIDDLE-EAST DIES WITH 62 PALESTINIANS CALUM STEELE is that a fence is worth more than 62 people’s lives, it tends to make you wonder what sort of vile regime this is.

As Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner were busying themselves opening the United States’ newest Embassy in Jerusalem — with a speech saying “peace is within reach”, no less — a largely peaceful protest in Gaza turned to bloodshed when Israel Defense Force (IDF) snipers opened fire on protesters. According to the Gaza Ministry of Health, 62 were killed and nearly 3000 more were injured. All in all, a fairly ironic time for Kushner to be advertising his long awaited “peace plan”.

This recent surge in violence has its roots in three salient events that are ongoing.

The most important being that this month marks the 70th anniversary of the “Nakbar” — or “catastrophe” — where 700,000 Palestinians were ejected from their homes during Israel’s birth.

This is one of the worst massacres to occur in Palestine in years, and is the bloodiest episode in the six weeks of protests in Gaza, in which over 100 people have been murdered. The “March to Return” protests are centered around the 70th anniversary of the expulsion of Palestinians from their ancestral lands.

The second, to borrow a phrase from Kim Jong-Il, is in regard to the “dotard” Trump’s decision to move the US Embassy from Tel-Aviv to Jerusalem. For anyone not super up to date on what’s happening with Israel and Palestine, Jerusalem is considered illegally occupied territory by the international community — i.e. a spectacularly bad place to put one’s embassy. Naturally Mr Netanyahu of Israel applauded Trump’s “brave” and “just” move, while the Palestinians – and numerous other countries – blasted the move as inflammatory.

This act has, arguably, finally quashed the notion that the US is a “neutral arbiter” in the ongoing dispute.

World leaders all over have denounced the atrocity, with South Africa withdrawing its ambassador in protest.

Turkey took this one step further and recalled its ambassadors to both Israel and America, and invited the Israeli Ambassador to leave Turkey.

Following the attack, the Palestinian and Israeli representatives to the United Nations gave each other a good tongue lashing, with the Palestinian representative Riyad Mansour excoriating “the odious massacre in the Gaza strip […] a crime against humanity”. Israel’s Danny Danon shot back that Hamas had "taken the people of Gaza hostage […] they incite people to violence, place as many civilians as possible in the line of fire to maximise civilian casualties, then they blame Israel and come to the UN to complain. It is a deadly game they play at the expense of innocent children".

Finally, Hamas, the militant Islamist group currently in control of Gaza, appear to be initiating a policy change which involves outright violence, to counter the “March to Return”.

The March involves Palestinians gathering at the border fence for the past month to protest the poor treatment by Israel. According to the IDF, these marches are instigated by “terrorists who are bent on the destruction of Israel”. Now I might be on my own here, but I find this fairly hard logic to follow — a people who being starved under siege wouldn’t seem to be overly capable of wiping out Israel, even if they wanted to. On top of this, we can see the Israeli Government accuse anyone who disagrees with their narrative of being an “anti-semite” — a somewhat trite claim that seems to be used as a bland rhetorical cudgel these days.

Personally, I’d say the Israeli claim seems a bit tenuous. After all, the protests are anything but unpopular with the people of Gaza, especially after several of those killed appear to have been shot in the back.

Overall, this massacre serves to highlight how far Israel has fallen in recent years, especially under the Likud-National Liberal Movement, with harsh repression and killings of Palestinians being the order of the day — something the international community seems disinclined to do anything substantial about. It would appear Israel’s claim “purity of arms” has also gone the way of the Dodo.

One Israeli Government spokesman went so far as to say the killings were justified, in that several of the protestors lit fires, and tried to damage the fence and cross the border. Now it might just be my bias showing through, but when the Government’s position

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News

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TRUTH IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S A CURSED PRINTER SHANTI MATHIAS Victoria University printers have been cursed after the medieval monks hired in April to improve printing services were fired. As entitled, educated white men from the Middle Ages, the monks were confident enough to unionize, demanding more than minimum wage pay.

VUW Human Resources manager Pri Valedge explained, “we pay overeducated men a lot at this University, but we don’t want minions like living printers demanding a living wage. They unionised, so we reacted strongly, but appropriately. The printers may never work, but at least they don’t demand anything more than electricity and collective frustration”.

Terrowin Janshai, a representative for the monks, said “as producers of quality assignments, we felt that we weren’t appreciated enough. Students were demanding illuminated manuscripts, and the university wasn’t willing to compensate us for that, so we turned

to some esoteric manuscripts of our own and… well, cursed the library printers”.

The curse manifests in various ways. Sometimes, lizards come out of the printer ( Janshai said that the original curse involved snakes, but the monks were mindful of New Zealand’s snake-free status); sometimes everything prints backwards; and sometimes the printers sing opera before printing single-sided when you had definitely specified you required double-sided.

“I’ve found the behaviour of the printers bizarre,” said one VUW student Alana Gane. “It makes sense that they’re cursed. It is nice to be able to send printing through wifi rather than having to deal with a human being, though.”

The librarians are approaching the curse with complete confidence. “This isn’t the first time we’ve been cursed,” scoffed Arr Kive, a Victoria librarian. “Bring it on, lizards.”

GUY AT PARTY BRITAIN'S DIGITAL CONVINCED ECONOMY ACT RUINS CHILDISH GAMBINO’S FUN NATION-WIDE "THIS IS AMERICA" IS VITA MOLYNEUX Britain approved the Digital Economy Act – a bill ABOUT NEW ZEALAND Inthat2017, will bring in a multitude of laws regarding the internet and

pornography in 2018. With the changes brought by the new bill, Government officials have assured citizens that no one will be able to have any fun at all.

Alongside installing age checks on pornographic websites, the Digital Economy Act would censor any sexual material that the Government deems “unconventional”, including but not limited to female ejaculation, fisting, public sex, and spanking that leaves a mark. Some of the qualifiers for what counts as indecent include “it’s not fisting if you can still see a thumb”, and urinating on someone is allowed, as long as the urine is not aimed at someone or consumed.* Uncensored material include a nice chat, holding hands, quiet missionary sex at 9pm, and going to church.

In order to confirm users are of age on pornographic sites, the industry has been told it must find ways to verify ages through software. A proposal to make a “porn pass” available for purchase at newsagents has been offered as a solution. Another solution offered is to create a time machine where — for a price — citizens can be transported back to the 1980s and go into BlockBuster to purchase their porn themselves. This second option seems to be gaining the most traction among the public, with one woman quoted saying “if they’re gunna suck all the fun out of porn, I may as well get to go back in time and enjoy shitty softcore porn in a different era”.

NAVNEETH NAIR Mistaking a moment of vibing to Childish Gambino’s damn good new single for a lull in party conversation, Chadley O’Dipshit took the opportunity to explain his “one-hundred percent accurate” analysis of the “This is America” music video.

“I know it says ‘America’ in the title but that’s just like, an allusion.”

“The key to the whole thing is Gambino’s pants. The greyness establishes that he is all the countries that are not New Zealand.”

When reached for clarification, O’Dipshit confirmed that Childish Gambino could not be New Zealand as New Zealand is clean and green, unlike the musical icon’s pants.

O’Dipshit elaborated that sequences where Gambino breaks into dance alongside school children represent that the rest of the world is apparently “unable to dance good” like New Zealanders.

Amid chaos and breakdown, Gambino is seen shooting a musician and then a school choir, and O’Dipshit explained that this is symbolic of the world’s frustration that New Zealand has reached the pinnacle of performance art in Dancing with the Stars NZ. Tracing a non-existent line between the red cloth that guns are handled with and the repeated lyric “money just for you,” O’Dipshit claims the song refers to New Zealand corporate giant, The “where everyone gets a bargain” Warehouse. When called out on this bullshit, O’Dipshit rebutted, “Oh yeah? Where does the whole thing take place?” before performing a rhino with a can of Diesel.

*I just really want everyone who reads the *News* to know that in this one paragraph, this one time, I am not talking shit. This is all true. And I need you all to know that.

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*NEWS*

MONDAY 21 MAY 2018

CLARKE GAYFORD EXPOSED SALIENT STAFF For months the rumour mill has been working overtime, churning out allegations regarding Fish Of The Day, Absolute Lad, and Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern’s Baby-Daddy-To-Be, Clarke Gayford. The Police National Headquarters, in an unusual move, released a statement confirming in no uncertain terms that there is no truth to any of the allegations.

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Salient’s little-sister organisation, VICE, “won’t publish the substance of what those rumours actually were,” apparently because of New Zealand’s “hearty defamation laws”. Once more unto the breach, Salient goes where no decent journalism dares.

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Allegedly, Clarke Gayford: --

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Approached a group of women in a Ponsonby bar in 2003 and told them he was a King Pin for an elite purebred labrador smuggling operation running out of Waiheke Island.

Votes ACT, and will continue to do so until Colin Craig returns to politics.

Has nits.

Ran over and killed the Ardern-Gayford cat, Paddles, in a bout of rage borne out of the fact his cat was quickly garnering more Twitter followers than he.

Calls butterfly doors on a car “ladybird doors” because he thinks it's more biologically accurate.

Buys out the nearest KFC of coleslaw before any dinner party where he’s required to bring a plate. On arrival at any given dinner party, Gayford allegedly launches into a word-perfect thirty-minute spiel about how the coleslaw is “an old family recipe” and what a “labour of love” it is to prepare.

Has two shrines to Jacinda — one in the back of his closet, one under the passenger seat of his boat — which boast a collection of 16 Jacinda puppets that Gayford talks to when Ardern is away on Government business.

Is the Zodiac Killer.

Is the sole person voting for Zac Franich on Dancing with the Stars New Zealand. Gayford has allegedly plundered his unborn child’s tertiary education trust and spent $30,000 over three weeks to keep Zac “Quasimodo” Franich in the competition.

Has an extensive browser history consisting of numerous searches about the halal way to kill game fish, and research into the practicality of fishing rods for arms.

Is in talks with Victoria University of Wellington’s Vice Chancellor, Grant Guilford, to pitch “Clarke Gayford Academy for Fishing and Other Academic Pursuits” as a potential new name for VUW. Is the only New Zealand member of an exclusive Berlin all-male strip tease act entitled “All Man No Might”. His alleged speciality is failing to open jars on stage to make women feel sorry for him.

Once ate an entire jar of Best Foods mayo just to see if he could. SPICY. Is the illegitimate spawn of Vladimir Putin, a known lizard-person. Clarke is accused of being complicit in a reptilian plot for world domination, and the opening of Victoria University’s Te Toki a Rata was allegedly an extremely elaborate set up to exchange information with

Russian sleeper agent, Spike the tuatara.

Owns a signed copy of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, and displays it in a glass bookcase in his and Ardern’s bedroom.

Has Helen Clark merged into the back of his head like Voldemort.

Exclusively drinks sugar-free Redbull. No water.

Witnessed a contract wherein Ardern promised to conceive and carry Winston Peters’ child in exchange for NZF’s support in the 2017 General Election. Gayford can allegedly only get hard if Peters is watching from the shadows.

Is collaborating with Max Key on an 8-minute deep house single called “Haus Husband”. The track allegedly references an affinity with the struggles of Jay-Z, and features exactly 29 fish-related puns.

If you are able to corroborate any of these rumours — or if you are able to spread any more — email editor@salient.org.nz.

Contributors Kii Small, Jazz Kane, Nav Nair, Vita Molyneux, Tori Bright, Johnny O’Hagan Brebner, Stephen Yee-Hughes, Liam Powell, Sasha Beattie.

UPDATES ON KYLIE JENNER'S BABY On 15 May 2018 Salient received the following email: Hi [editor] I've noticed the ongoing Kylie Jenner mini-column.

I have a Salient radio show on celeb goss on Thursdays 12-2. I am a MAJOR fan of Kardashian goss and I would be interested in taking over this column and doing a small promo for my show at the same time. [...]

First of all, we probably shouldn't even be calling Stormi “Stormi Webster”... As of yet her paternity is unconfirmed! Her bodyguard recently told paps that he "couldn't comment" if he was the baby daddy or not. He is gorgeous and he has been spotted getting close with Kylie.

Of course the baby could probably be anyone's BUT Travis Scott's, who's clearly in a PR relationship and was with Kylie for mere weeks before the pregnancy announcement. He's been spotted hooking up with other women and so has Kylie... Hooking up with Tyga. People are saying her baby looks to be of Asian descent, and Tyga is half Vietnamese. But Kylie's bodyguard is Asian too. Perhaps Kylie read her Instagram comments that Stormi's ears looked like Tyga’s, which is why she PHOTOSHOPPED her BABY's ears in a recent pic. It's only fair that Stormi should know her true paternity, after all poor Khloe still doesn't know if her dad is Alex Rowlan — Kris' stylist, or OJ Simpson. Why haven't we seen a photo of grandmother Caitlyn Jenner (67) together with Stormi yet? Perhaps she's too busy with her new 22 year old fiancé xoxo gg The answer is no. The official Salient position continues to be that we do not give a single solitary fuck about Kylie Jenner’s baby.

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LETTERS Salient, As a new soul, I was unaware of any magazines that existed in this uni, rid of the course outlines in practically every direction. Leading to me stumbling across the past few issues ( which have become a guilty pleasure to read) The topics covered have been gutsy and deep, and quality material that I hope will continue to be produced.

I want to thank you for being so open with these stories, because they’re important. We need to create some sort of change, and the beginning of change starts with acknowledgement and discussion.

The new soul seeks help to free other souls who cry salty tears interally.

With much respect, A young ambitious fresher.

LETTER OF THE WEEK* Dearest Salient, I am writing in to express solidarity with the author of last week's 'Tight-Ass Yogi' article, and let them know they is not the only one to suffer from a case of the ol toots.

Specifically: A yoga teacher friend of mine enthusiastically told me "You should be upside-down at least once a day!

The blood flow fuckery [paraphrased] does wonders for mental clarity and physical health!" And I tried, I really tried to get all up in amongst that practice, but can't find anyone to successfully spot me while I attempt handstands, as noone can stop laughing at my constant queefing, and thus they are too weakened to catch me when I fall.

And before anyone says anything, I'm already on that Kegel buzz okay, don't fucking @ me.

Luv and light, Not-so-tight-ass-yogi Send us letters to editor@salient.org.nz otherwise we are just over here playing with ourselves. Your feedback and opinions are valid (maybe). *Letter of the Week wins a double day pass to Zealandia

NOTICES AMNESTY AT VIC: SOCIAL DRINKS Join us to make a toast to freedom! Amnesty International is a global movement fighting for truth, justice and freedom worldwide: come along to our social drinks to find out more and meet like-minded people who are passionate about human rights. Register via the Eventbrite link (tinyurl.com/ y9ke3dzm) on our Facebook event to get your ticket and FREE DRINK! Basque Rooftop Bar, 7pm, Friday 25th May

SUSTAINABILITY WEEK Are you passionate about the environment, climate action and sustainability in our everyday lives? Sign up to volunteer in a range of roles of Sustainability Week 2018 ( 28th May-1st June) - we're planning events, activities and more on the theme of "Change your Habits, Change the world!!!"

Email vuwsustainabilityweek@gmail.com for more info!

VIC BOOKS BOOK CLUB The next book on the Vic Books Book Club list is Blindness by José Saramago.

The discussion night for Blindness is at Vic Books Pipitea on June 8th at 5:30pm.

If you have, or are keen to read, this book and review it, please get in touch at books@ salient.org.nz

JOIN THE DISCUSSION Students are invited to join the discussion on a proposal to simplify the University’s name You can watch a presentation by the Vice-Chancellor on the proposal at www.victoria.ac.nz/students Email feedback to students@vuw.ac.nz

by Friday 8 June

Welfare Advocacy in the District Court OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, CHRISTMAS MIRACLES AND EIGHT LAW STUDENTS CAVAAN WILD

There are two centres of vulnerability in New Zealand.

One is our public hospitals, the other is our District Courts.

It’s 8:30 in the morning in Wellington District Court, and bedlam is slowly unfolding. A visibly homeless man shakes his leg restlessly while picking at a sore on his face. A father with a Black Power tattooed cheek gently pushes his impossibly fragile daughter in a pram. Outside Courtroom one, a man peers through the window before turning around and muttering, “you better not be snitching”. A duty lawyer exits an interview room, a smartly dressed man in tow, with an anxious look on his face and an amusingly conspicuous designer watch on his wrist. Another homeless man tells a duty lawyer he’s just inherited a million dollars. Three members of Nomads NZ are appearing at 10:00am, their patches draped over their arms and “77” tattoos adorning their middleaged, strikingly weary faces. Three of their sons are appearing in Palmerston North District Court that day too, 20 years younger but committing the same crimes. A Māori warden asks a client if he needs help to work out who he has to see that morning, to which the man replies, “Don’t matter does it, it’s all just the fuckin Crown”.

Wellington Community Justice Project has been running an advocacy service at District Court for three years. There are roughly eight advocates in all, who volunteer on a fortnightly basis, in two hour shifts. The project started as a response to the identification of an overwhelming need, not for criminal law litigation, nor bail bonds, but for welfare assistance. I would be confident in betting that every single person appearing in the District Court on any given day has an unanswered welfare need that, if addressed,

would change their circumstances for the better. Thus it is that the advocates provide guidance and support to clients appearing in the District Court, with anything they need — from filling out legal aid forms, to contacting Women’s Refuge, to getting food parcels, to making WINZ appointments. The advocates report to Leah Davison, the duty lawyer for the court and the duty lawyer supervisor for Wellington and the Hutt Valley. Leah was instrumental in setting up the Special Circumstances Court, a new approach to achieving rehabilitation and meeting identifiable needs. I, along with every other advocate and everyone at the District Court, can vouch that if you are ever in trouble, Leah is the person you want representing you.

Parker, 20, is an advocate.

This is his second year of volunteering with Wellington Advocacy. He has made arrangements for a client to go and see Downtown Community Ministry (DCM). DCM has previously dealt with this client. Today they will help him to apply for an ID so his benefit can be reinstated. The client is due to appear again in court, in two weeks time, and on that next date Parker and the client will catch up again. He hopes that the client will have gone to see DCM, and made an appointment with WINZ — but there is only so much a volunteer advocate can do, in the two hour slots when they see clients.

This is what makes advocacy uniquely challenging — we are volunteers, thrust into the lives and miserable circumstances of so many less fortunate people for two hours at a time. Clients are often uncooperative, suspicious, and angry. And they have every right to be. They have been institutionalised, profiled, abused in every way, and convinced they have no place in society. Trying to help people like this could take two decades, not two hours.

The enormity of the sadness in that cell was unbearable.

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Welfare Advocacy in the District Court

Which is what makes the positive outcomes even better. Leading up to Christmas, Liv, 20, dealt with a client who was in the cells for a breach of supervision.

She breached her supervision because her supervision was on the South Coast. She was living in Porirua, in a caravan on the lawn of her partner’s house, and couldn’t afford the bus fare to travel one and a half hours to Island Bay. Her partner occasionally gave her food, when she “deserved it.” She had received a food parcel from DCM, but had given it to an old man who had missed out. She was a mother with five kids, all under 14. She was on the single parent benefit and was paying over $100 a week in bus fares. She wanted to send her kids to a school with a uniform so they could be equal to the other kids, and wouldn’t feel inadequate because she couldn’t afford to get them new clothes. A uniform seems insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But sending her children to a school with a uniform was costing a third of her benefit. To her, it was worth it. Liv helped her work out her finances. In addition to the large expenses involved in raising five children, she had several fines to pay. Each week she had no money left and there was nothing they could do to change that. After talking to a kindly person at the Ministry of Justice, they were able to get the client’s fines readjusted over the Christmas period to pay less.

This meant she was able to afford to buy her children presents. Again, something small, something many of us would take for granted. But I challenge you to find a more deserving case for a Christmas miracle.

Of course, there are bad outcomes as well.

Looking through the bars at someone in a cell is the story of so many mini failures. I spoke to a client in the cells, a young mother with a child barely two weeks old. The child’s father was also in the cells. He spoke of the baby in awed tones. She was beautiful.

But when I spoke to the mother, she told me this was her 11th child. Well, actually her 14th, if you count the miscarriages. But this was her first birth where she was “black and blue”, because her husband had beaten her beforehand. The enormity of the sadness in that cell was unbearable. Grief, so leviathan-like and multifaceted in its complexities it was almost shapeless. There was renewed anger, at the fact that her circumstances had somehow deteriorated further; her partner had done this to her. There was abject sadness, about 14 beautiful children, but only 11 alive. There was a resignation to her circumstances — this wasn’t her first time in the cells and neither was it her partner’s — they were both on a first name basis with the duty lawyer.

I didn’t attend court after the visit to find out what

happened to the woman or her partner. I was yet another bystander, to a life lived among bereaved ruins. I will never find out unless she appears in court again, sits in the cells again. And inevitably, there will be yet another distressing event that lands her there. I doubt I would be capable enough to begin to understand her circumstance, let alone begin to help her.

They write books about what becomes of the broken hearted. But most of the time we do not get to find out.

The year is 2018. You would think that the link between socioeconomic deprivation, need, and crime would be easily identified, well publicised, and the benefactor of a large amount of Government funding.

After all, if you want to improve society, vulnerability is a good place to focus. But of the two areas of vulnerability in New Zealand, the hospitals and the district courts, public health receives a large amount of funding, while the district court does not. Perhaps this is because it is too difficult — healing disease and wounds is more simple than attempting to heal a multitude of broken souls.

And it’s unrealistic to think that a life can be healed with a quick fix, set with a cast like a broken arm or the pain relieved with a medication prescription. But we have to start somewhere.

Liv said that New Zealand needs to take responsibility for why people are appearing in our district courts. These people are not bank robbers, white collar criminals, or drug kingpins.

They are women who have stolen a $10 t-shirt and two tins of baked beans because they have two kids to feed but couldn’t get a benefit because they didn’t have an ID because they can’t drive and they’ll never be able to afford a car so why have a driver’s license?

I wonder what the heroes over at Sensible Sentencing, who campaign for tougher penalties, would say about punishing a woman for stealing $11.60 worth of goods. The next time you see a Stuff article about just another person sentenced for just another crime, I invite you to consider what you would do in their position, in their battered shoes, with the weight of a lifetime’s worth of failures pulling you down.

Two years of volunteering has made it abundantly clear that the offending at District Court is never a question of choice. Spend half an hour in the Court and this becomes obvious. If you’re in the position that all of the clients find themselves in, you don’t see the choice. Or, the choice is not made available to you.

Some people can make good decisions time and time again under consistent unrelenting pressure. But 99% of us don’t. And which would you be part of — the 99% or the 1%?

They write books about what becomes of the broken hearted. But most of the time we do not get to find out.

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Welfare Advocacy in the District Court

It is a tough pill to swallow, but any help or support provided at this stage of a person’s life is the epitome of the “ambulance at the bottom of the cliff” adage. Liv said that there’s an overwhelming link between offending and not meeting a person’s needs.

In order to get the ambulance to the top of the cliff, we need to rethink how and when we intervene in people’s lives. If student volunteers can do it, imagine what mandated government support workers could accomplish. This starts with recognising vulnerability in families and addressing their needs. The work of the advocates, from organising a WINZ appointment, to referring a client to Literacy Aotearoa, shows that small things can have a massive effect in people’s lives. For some of us who are privileged, we have family and friends that are able to provide those small things for us. What would happen for those who are less fortunate if they too had people doing those small things, every day?

The advocates are doing excellent work and making a tangible difference in the lives of those that they work with. The project is still young — it can only go from strength to strength as it grows in experience and reputation. But the advocates are only seeing the outcomes they can address in Wellington Central. They have a little red book full of outcomes, full of snapshots of lives laid bare in 2 hours. Wellington Central is lucky — we have many community programmes that are easily accessed, with staff who are willing to help clients. For example, it is startling to realise that many of the clients are illiterate. Liv dealt with a client who had worked manual labour jobs all his life, and as an inevitable consequence had a ruined back. He was 40, could not read or write, and spoke broken English. Liv was able to refer him to Literacy Aotearoa, who operate out of Central Wellington. When I was younger, my kapa haka leader had never been to school. He could speak English, but not write it. There are a multitude of people in the regions with simple needs that may never be addressed.

The project is not big enough yet to be expanded, even within Wellington, to the Hutt or Porirua District Courts. The Hutt is said to be far worse, with drug offences and gang violence out of control. The courts of Gisborne, Rotorua, Taranaki — literally any region — are an unseen, frightening story yet to be dealt with. There are a multitude of offences relating to a multitude of needs around the Country’s District Courts. Here in Central Wellington, we have evidence of problems. We have evidence of solutions that can work, implemented by a small team of students with a lot of love in their hearts. And there’s no reason that

this can’t work all over the country.

At the time of writing, Special Circumstances Court is growing in use and in the number of clients appearing in front of it. To qualify for Special Circumstances, the client has to admit guilt for their offence. They cannot be charged with anything serious, like sexual offending or high end violence. They must be homeless, have an identifiable need, and want help with this need. Needs range from addiction and mental illness, through to accommodation and benefits. Special Circumstances demonstrates how previously unconnected support services can be coordinated together to provide a network of support for clients. It also proves how clients have a wide variety of needs that contribute to their offending. It is heartening to hear the rapport between judges and clients — a genuine interest is taken in the people who appear before the bench.

The Court of course has its own issues. It is frustrating that it is a “special” court, when this sort of initiative should have been established years ago and should now be the norm. Inevitably, some clients revert back to offending.

But overall, it demonstrates that with the right support, the cycle of offending and reoffending can be broken.

It’s 8:30 in the District Court. A solo mother of five has found a way to make ends meet for the foreseeable future. Her circumstances may not have drastically improved, and may not improve for some time. But for now, she can feed her kids and send them to school, and afford a Christmas present.

A student volunteer with the Welfare Advocacy Service will help a client to reapply for a benefit, and Salvation Army will give her bus money to reach her appointment. A man in his 40s will attempt to change his life: He will begin to learn to read. Another man will appear via AudioVisualLink (AVL) from Rimutaka; he will be deemed ineligible for parole after slamming another inmate’s head in a door.

A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. It is shamefully inevitable that to find all of these not easily mended people, one need only duck their head into 49 Ballance St and submit to a security check at the door. But centres of vulnerability are also centres of innovation, creativity, and change. Welfare advocacy is full of creatives; dreamers who hope to see a place for the lowliest amongst us beyond gangs, jails, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Optimistic? Yes. Achievable? That depends largely on the circumstances of the client in question — something that is by and large, beyond their control. But after two hours of contact, at least the advocates can attempt to leave these people in a better situation than they were before.

In order to get the ambulance to the top of the cliff, we need to rethink how and when we intervene in people’s lives.

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THE MAJESTIC

S HE W EE PREYA GOTHANAYAGI

The Majestic Shewee

I recently got a job on a paintball field that didn't have a loo.

"Why?" I asked a coworker. He shrugged, and told me that they'd been trying to get a port-a-potty sorted for years, but bureaucrats somewhere (presumably with their own perfectly working toilets) were dragging their feet about it.

"Ok, but, then, how do I... you know, go?"

"We have bushes outside."

Damn.

told me. I couldn't find a stockist fast enough.

I am the first to admit that I'm not a prude. I'm a cardcarrying feminist who strongly believes that bodily functions should not get in the way of anyone's work ethic or destiny. But the idea of popping a squat in some greenery beside a busy road made my urinary tract shrivel up in protest. Plus, I'd had too many bad experiences on school camps where I ended up with pee everywhere, to want to give squatting a try at work. Urine soaked leggings do not incite customer satisfaction. So my solution was to not drink anything, and hold all pee in until I was back in my own bathroom, safe at last.

It was very hard to get going. Not because the Shewee itself was at fault, but because decades of habit was telling me that I was supposed to be seated at this point. Peeing against all instinct was surprisingly more difficult than I thought it would be. Cursing my body for giving in to the Patriarchy, I reshuffled the tube a little, leaned back, and tried again.

Buying a Shewee was a bit odd. The middle-aged man behind the counter looked uncomfortable when I slammed the bright pink device triumphantly down on the counter, and we avoided eye contact. But I was too excited to let anyone get in between me and freedom.

I drove home like a madwoman, sprinted up the stairs, jumped into the bathroom, put the pointy bit between my legs, and gave my new Shewee a whiz.

The pee flowed through the funnel, into the extension tube, before dripping neatly into the bath. Not a drop of it touched my skin. I almost started laughing — I couldn't believe how well it worked. It was like my first orgasm. It was like the first time I tried waffles. I'd never been more ecstatic IT WAS LIKE MY FIRST ORGASM. IT about my own urine. I had a plastic penis, and I WAS LIKE THE FIRST TIME I TRIED never had to worry about WAFFLES. I'D NEVER BEEN MORE public toilets ever again.

It was a solid plan, at first.

I got through my shift and ran like hell to get home, barely making it to the loo in time. But what I didn't ECSTATIC ABOUT realise was that long hours with no water, combined with lifting heavy equipment, had resulted in severe dehydration. After working both Saturday and Sunday, I ended up in bed on Monday with a headache, and the hint of a UTI. I moaned to my boyfriend about it, who was sympathetic, but really couldn't relate due to his incredibly handy penis.

MY OWN URINE.

That's when I made the best decision of my life — I invested in a Shewee.

In 1999, an budding entrepreneur named Samantha Fountain was given an assignment for a university course — find a way make public toilets more hygienic.

Her solution was to create a device that would allow women to pee standing up like men, and thus avoid the horrors of the public toilet seat. The first ever Shewee was built out of plywood, and the rest, as they say, is history.

From that moment on, I embarked on a one-woman crusade, telling everyone about the magic of the Shewee. Friends, strangers, some lady who worked at the lingerie store who helped me buy a bra, my dog (who was very impressed), my partner (less impressed), coworkers, coworker's spouses, my mum, my aunts, my 80-yearold grandma who didn't understand what it was I was shouting about. I wanted every woman to feel as empowered as I felt, to take control of their destinies and their bladders and live life free from the fear of port-o-potties. What I didn't expect was the pushback.

Ladies of all ages, of all sizes, from all walks of life, told me that they just weren't comfortable with the idea of sticking a tube between their legs. While some got on my Shewee bandwagon, others laughed when I started describing its usefulness, or immediately protested their modesty. Surprised, I turned to Google.

Results there were equally unpromising — while most people raved about the Shewee, review after review avoided using the words “pee”, “urethra”, and “vagina”. Instead, they featured a million synonyms that were presumably more ladylike. No one seemed keen to talk about exactly where the Shewee was supposed to go. Even the Shewee packaging featured minimal instructions, and no diagrams (which was

Today's version is best likened to a curved plastic funnel, that sits flush against your vagina and urethral opening. The back ends in a point, just sharp enough so you can feel it and know exactly where everything is, but not enough that it's uncomfortable. They come in a range of colours, with the added upgrade of a tube and case. "Stand Up and Take Control" the website 21

The Majestic Shewee

terribly unhelpful, and not reassuring). Despite what seemed like an obvious fix to a real problem, people didn't want to talk about urinating women.

and could see us whizzing by. But the worst bit was the absolute mental struggle to get my body to pee in my car. Every instinct was screaming at me to stop before I drenched the passenger seat. It took a full five minutes to manage a hesitant tinkle — but this flowed perfectly through, into the bottle. No mess, no fuss. I had to stop before I was done so my body and brain wouldn’t have a collective meltdown, but decided this whiz was a success nonetheless. If my courage had only flowed through to my urethra, peeing in a car would have been piss easy.

The only solution I could find was to tackle this taboo head on. I decided to really test the limits of my Shewee, and share my results in the hope that convenience would outweigh uncomfortableness. I took my Shewee to work, tried to use it in a moving car on a road trip, and got drunk in town on a Friday to see just how handy it was to tinkle like a dude. I was hopeful that success would put the fire back into my revolution. So I peed where I’d never dared pee before.

IN TOWN In the interest of accuracy, I actually got a friend to take a video of me in town, which I intend to release after I win the Pulitzer, as a testament to my dedication to journalism. It was painful to watch myself pee.

Drunk me couldn't stop giggling as she pulled her dress up, her panties down, and inserted the Shewee into what she hoped was the right position. Both she and friend shrieked their amazement as the Shewee worked perfectly — no mess, no fuss, no sitting on the goddamned disgusting toilet seat.

"This is amazing!" drunk Preya laughed over and over, "I can't believe this!"

"I need this in my life!" bathroom buddy exclaimed.

"And now, we just rinse!"

Later that night, we took a surprise trip to the Waikanae suburbs, and ended up going for a pee again. Drunk Preya stood and went with ease, while drunk friend squatted — and fell over.

"Are you alright?!" drunk Preya yelled.

"This is why I need one of those!" friend called back.

She went out and got herself one the very next day.

My first convert. And, hopefully, not my last.

AT WORK The whole point of my whizzing adventures was to find a solution to dehydration. On my next shift, I filled my water bottle right up, and kept chugging away throughout the day. After the last customer had left, I excused myself to my coworker (who shot me a knowing look and giggled), took my Shewee out back, tried very hard to avoid the electric fence, and let fly.

Against the majestic backdrop of hills, fields, sheep, and sunset, I proudly stood and took one small piss for woman, one giant whiz for womankind. It all went off without a hitch. I didn't even have to take off my leggings. My humiliating days of grass tickling my butt while I squatted were over. The best bit was, it all took about thirty seconds, and I didn't have to dig a hole like my old male P.E. teacher had said we did. As I put away my wonderous whiz device, I pondered whether or not he'd ever tried to wield a trowel while busting.

IN THE CAR My boyfriend was not pleased when I told him he had to drive around while I peed, in the name of journalism.

He begrudgingly agreed, I promised him he wouldn't see a thing, grabbed an empty Pump bottle, and off we went. This was a test I was really hoping the Shewee would pass, although I was slightly doubtful it would. Time in a bus on a family trip to India had taught me the unfairness of biology: all the boy cousins had gone for gold on the side of the road, while all the girl cousins had to cross their legs for fear of snakes and perverts. Being able to pee in a moving vehicle would revolutionise the road trip as we all knew it, and I was determined to succeed.

Ladies, sisters, everyone with a vagina — buy this product. Seriously, please, believe in yourselves, let go of all fear and modesty and social conditioning, and just buy one. I am not joking when I say that my Shewee has changed my life. I went from avoiding water due to uncertainty around loos, to taking every opportunity to pee just so I can whip it out. I went from planning nights out around available public toilets, to accidentally peeing on someone's front lawn in the middle of Waikanae (sorry). I laugh in the face of terrible gas station bathrooms, and pee round the back instead. I am so empowered that I have never spent so much time discussing my toilet habits with other women in my life as I do now. This device, this modest looking, funnel-adjacent, bright pink tube, can free you from the shackles of the public loo and release you into the wild — fearless and ready to write your name on nearby trees. Join the ranks of athletes, soldiers, and drunk women everywhere, and pee like you've never peed before. The Shewee is waiting. Comrades, join the revolution. Stand Up and Take Control.

To be completely honest, it was the toughest pee I've ever done. Scooching onto my knees, holding the bottle between my legs, and shielding everything from my boyfriend for the sake of our relationship, I tried my best to go as per usual. The speed bumps didn't help.

Every time we hit one, my head would hit the ceiling and the bottle would threaten to spill. We should have probably also avoided going past that preschool, where the kids were all in the playground for lunch 22

Creamy Mayo Love Unfolding before my eyes...

Out with the gherkins.

- Patrick Takurua

submit poems to poetry@salient.org.nz

Benji Hartfield, Traffic lights at Willis Street. Man w

washing car, Film Photograph, 1758 × 1232, 2018

CW: Descriptions of sexual assault We’ve got a great team here at VUWSA, including some strong women that I look up to and often turn to for advice and counsel. They asked me to write a lil something to make sure they know I back them, and I do. They’ve decided to share some pretty personal stuff with us today, and I’m really proud of em. These stories are difficult to read, but aren’t meant to challenge you, they’re simply a few real life experiences and thoughts that are all too common in our community.

BETH PATERSON Let’s go way back when to first year. My memories of this are hazy and more rooted in feeling than fact.

I was drunk at the time — at least a bottle of scrumpy down. We were going to a flat party from our hall. I’m not sure why, but I was upset, lonely.

A guy from my hall noticed I was wispy and took me home. Once there, he lead me to my room and didn’t leave. We had sex, his idea. He wanted to finish all over my belly. Mark me. I wanted to go to sleep. I was drunk and sad.

After, I felt disgusting. I told him that I was going to take a shower, and when I returned, clean, I wanted him to be gone. I scrubbed hard. When I got back to

With that said, if you do feel challenged by them, then take the time to think about why. All we can do is talk to one another and think about the way we and the people around us behave and think, and find where we can make change. I would also like to thank Kii for stepping up and sharing his story, which can be a really tough thing for guys. Good on ya mate, you’re quite the role model.

– Marlon Drake

my room, although he was gone, I still felt a strong pull to nest under the covers and just stay there, eyes closed, feeling small.

Later, I would hear people talking bout how he kept looking out for these upset chicks on town nights, and that they would end up with him, just like I did.

From then on I largely avoided him — a difficult task in a hall — but I didn’t really know what to make of my experience.

Things changed when, four years later, he apologised. In passing he said, “I'm sorry, I was a dick in first year”. I had no clue what to say or think.

What did he mean “I’m sorry”? I thought I was the only one of the two of us who thought that it was wrong. I’d figured he was ignorant about it, or didn’t give a shit either way. But he’s sorry. Does he think it was assault? Why do I care what he thinks? What do I think? Did I consent? Should I have done something about it? Should I accept his apology?

I don’t have any deep answers. Just that it’s fucking confusing and scary not really knowing if you were violated. My friends tell me that they saw it as assault.

But then, what do you do with that? What do you do when you don’t trust your own memories? To say you’ve been assaulted feels serious and severe and more scary than just not knowing. That’s stigma for you. Whatever the label, it shouldn’t have happened.

He should have put me to bed, turned off the lights, and left the room.

26

Some Lived Experiences: Six Stories of Assault

Three guys were sitting around one of the tables, and I started to clear their empty bottles. One guy put his hand out to me. It looked as if he was going in to shake my hand, indicating I was doing a good job. Instead, he seized my wrist and hoisted it onto his friend’s crotch. My hand was forcibly smeared around this guy’s crotch like buttering up a baking tray. An audible gasp escaped my mouth. I managed to escape his grip, and I bolted quickly to the door.

The men’s laughter followed me out of the room.

I felt dirty and disgusting. I had to force a smile on my face as I attended to other tables in the restaurant.

In a quiet moment, I told my manager. She acted fast.

She informed the man’s bosses, who had organised the Christmas do, that she was kicking him out.

I didn’t realise that his bosses would be told.

I immediately felt a pang of guilt because I had potentially put the man’s job in jeopardy. Perhaps I was being dramatic? It was just a joke right?

Looking back today, I know that what he did was wrong. He crossed a line. Unfortunately there were many similar experiences in my hospitality career. The fact of the matter is that there is a power imbalance in the field of hospitality because “the customer is always right”. On numerous occasions, a customer has said/ done something that has made me uncomfortable, but I’ve always had to suck it up for the sake of my job.

PADDY MILLER I had been working at a restaurant/bar for about a month. I had just turned 18 and the independence was intoxicating. During December, we had a lot of Christmas work functions. It was a Saturday night and we were hosting a building company’s end of year party. As the night wore on, the crowd got pretty rowdy – it was an open bar. It was dark in there, and the music was blaringly loud. I had to scurry around the tables, clearing beer bottles and glasses off the tables.

So here it is.

I was about to have sex with this guy, and I asked him to wear a condom. He looked at me kind of baffled — I probably should have picked up on his shadiness at this point. Anyway, he begrudgingly put it on. We had sex. Well, I thought we had sex. Sex is consensual. For sex to be consensual, you have to know what you’re consenting to, right? Well, I thought I was consenting to having sex with this guy, with a condom. It turns out we didn’t have sex, we didn’t have sex at all. This guy had assaulted me.

So, you might be wondering — how? I consented to having sex with this guy and he put on the condom.

At least I thought he put on the condom. Afterwards I went to the bathroom, as you do. I noticed there was an unusual amount of fluid coming out of me. Huh — weird. I looked at the condom on the floor before I put it in the bin. Oh — there’s nothing there. The condom was empty. His cum was inside me. Without my permission.

What if I wasn’t on the pill? What if I hadn’t noticed? What if I believed this guy and then three weeks later I found out I was pregnant? I was mad.

Sad. Confused. Was this assault? I mean, it feels like assault. Well, I consented to the “sex”. Just not without the condom.

RHIANNA MORAR I’m not going to lie, I like to fuck.

But this doesn’t mean I like to fuck on any other terms than my own. If you didn’t know, women are prophets of sexual power. This is important because there is a common misconception among young men that, when it comes to fucking, we are powerless. Or at the very least, this is something I have experienced.

27

Some Lived Experiences: Six Stories of Assault

conversation and an appealing sense of fashion. I thought I liked her. After a few weeks of hanging out, she invites herself over to my apartment to stay the night (for the first time).

She is drunk. I am not.

I wake up to her getting into my bed and removing her jewellery and make up. I think nothing of it and drift back to sleep.

I wake up in another moment with a hand on my penis. I don’t know what time it is, and am confused as to whether I trust this person — so I wake up. “No, not tonight” is the only statement I remember saying. I intended to add something about how we don’t know each other well enough yet, but I couldn’t be sure if I got that point across. She loosens her grip and I turn over to head back to sleep.

Interrupted again by her hand reaching around and grabbing it. She climbs on top of me and starts to kiss me. I grab her face and ask if we can just go to sleep. She claims “I want it”, but I don’t. She proceeds to tell me what I want, and grind on me, causing me actual pain.

I throw her off me. She hit something but I didn’t want to check. Put on my clothes to the girl behind me calling me a “useless cunt” and an “asshole”, and headed out for a walk. Slurs were directed at me, but none were responded to.

I came back in an hour and she was passed out. I slept in my flatmate’s bed and called our mutual friend the next morning to tell him what happened.

We never talked about it again, but I see her every other month.

KII SMALL There is nothing more I hate in this world than assumptions.

Assuming I’m finished with my meal, assuming I’m from the hood, assuming I want something that I don't.

I always believed there was a switch in someone’s mind where they see you as either a neutral human being or as a sexual object; a place many people want to sit in between. Playing on the border is lustful, and can often appease most people.

I can remember sharing my bed with someone on a very cold night. In the early years of university, every moment tended to smell like alcohol, whether you were sober or not. That’s what this scene smelled like.

I met her through a mutual friend. She had great

SIMRAN RUGHANI A girls’ night out typically consists of girlfriends getting together, dressing up, doing their makeup and each

other’s hair while listening to loud music and bitching about life, then hitting the clubs and bars in town. It’s a good time. Or at least, it’s supposed to be.

The first time I went to a girls’ night out, we took a male friend of ours with us because we were too nervous to go by ourselves. We thought we would be safer with him around. After that first night, it became a joke that he would come out with us every girls’ night because he was “one of the girls”, but we all knew it was also for our safety.

A year or so later, some other girlfriends of mine wanted to go out but had never been before. I thought as the (relatively) seasoned party-goer I was, that I would go with them to keep an eye out for trouble. I forgot the real reason our male friend came out with us, I thought I would be enough. That was the first night I was touched without my permission. Someone grabbed my butt from behind and when I turned around to try and figure out who it was, everyone looked away. My body is my right, no one has permission to touch it unless I expressly give it to them.

It is sad that people need to be reminded about this.

28

Some Lived Experiences: Six Stories of Assault

Well, his mum’s.

A hippy haven. Walk past it everyday on my way to the chippy.

Pushed me into a toilet. His tongue and his fingers inside me.

I wanted to leave. My friend brought back Billy to our hall too.

I said he’s not with me, he is with you.

But left my door unlocked for her, I didn’t trust him.

I was right it seemed.

I woke up to him pushing my pyjamas down.

He was erect and on top of me.

I did say no.

I shouldn’t have had to. I also said “please not without a condom”.

Idiot.

It was a battle against sleep. Everytime I came close to passing out, fingers snuck in and gained ground.

I tried to pacify him by rubbing his dick. It didn’t work.

I did get up, and I did leave. Bear in mind this whole time I was in a drunken, drugged haze.

I promise it wasn’t my fault.

ELLA HUGHES She was 8, I was 13, on a bus.

Man across from us — showing us porn.

A woman, big tits, fucked on her knees.

He turned, he tilted the screen.

Wanted two children to see — grinned, leered.

I felt disgusting. I couldn’t protect her. I couldn’t move.

He won.

I’ve seen people in my past, who see sex as more, It is ego, it is value, it is self esteem.

To deny sex is to deny all three.

If you don’t want it, you’re calling love into question.

They’re ugly, unwantable, uninteresting, not special.

Love can make “no” impossible.

Billy. I met him on acid.

He convinced my friend we should go back to his place.

• Rape Crisis — 04 801 8973; Crisis line 0800 883 300 • Lifeline — 0800 543 354 • Women’s Refuge — 0800 733 843; Crisis line 0800 REFUGE • Shakti New Zealand — Crisis line 0800SHAKTI FREE • Youthline — 0800 376 633 • Wellington Sexual Abuse Help Foundation — 04 499 7530; Crisis line 04 499 7532 Contact:

• Hutt Rape Counselling Network — 04 566 5517; Crisis line 0800 22 66 94

• Victoria University of Wellington — VUW has a number of different support avenues, details are on their website

• Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse Trust (MSSAT) Wellington — 021 118 1043

• VUWSA advocacy service — Erica Schouten; 04 463 6984; advocate@vuwsa.org.nz

If you’ve experienced a sexual assault you can report it to NZ police by dialing 111, or learn more here.

29

Columns

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS

VUWSA

MARLON DRAKE

TAMATHA PAUL Straight up though, what the fuck are letting fees?

Last year, I rented through a private landlord and paid no letting fees. This year our flat paid $590 in letting fees – yet the same administrative processes were followed. Apparently, the letting fee covers the letting agent’s work in advertising the property, showing people around, and vetting through potential flatmates. It takes maybe half an hour tops to make a listing on TradeMe, viewings are normally 15 minutes and it’d take two or three viewings to find a tenant, and vetting tenants probably wouldn’t take that long as I imagine they’d choose the first ideal tenant application they came across. Let’s say the whole process took two hours. So you’re telling me this agent is being paid upwards of $250 an hour for this work :O

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE GRADUATES LAST WEEK. IT WAS A PLEASURE ATTENDING ALL THE CEREMONIES. TO THE REST OF US STILL STUDYING, THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

Maybe I’m way off and have no idea – but the reality is that not a lot of people actually know what the purpose of letting fees are. We do know, however, that they can be an additional financial barrier to the already onerous rental market. I know, for sure, that there’s 590 other things that I would rather spend that money on. That’s like 29 boxes of Heiny’s, or 196 pieces of KFC chicken (has to be thigh pieces though) :).

Luckily for students, the Government is currently reviewing the Residential Tenancy Act and part of that is deciding whether or not to give letting fees the boot!

We need your help in getting rid of them though, so please fill out a submission on our website about your experiences with letting fees at http://www.vuwsa. org.nz/rta/. We know that our voice is powerful — we got a 25% public transport discount for students – now let’s get rid of letting fees once and for all.

30

The philosopher Derek Parfit, who we discussed last column, believes that a dominant theory of rationality — what he calls the “Self-Interest Theory” — is internally inconsistent. The Self-Interest Theory is a theory of rationality which tells us to do whatever would maximise the total wellbeing of our whole life.

So according to the Self-Interest Theory, we are not rationally required to care about the wellbeing of other people, but we are rationally required to care about the wellbeing of our future self. As we shall now see, Parfit exploits this feature of the Self-Interest Theory to argue against it.

Some terminology is necessary before we begin.

Parfit calls a theory person-neutral or ­agent-neutral if the instructions of that theory make no reference to the specific person to whom the instructions apply.

This definition is a bit confusing, so it’s best illustrated through examples. A theory which instructs you to “maximise total wellbeing” or “protect human rights as best as possible” is person-neutral, since it makes no reference to you. By contrast, a theory which instructs you to “maximise your own wellbeing” or “protect your family” is person-relative, since it distinguishes your wellbeing and your family from everyone else’s wellbeing and everyone else’s families. Roughly speaking, theories which are person-neutral are “impartial” theories.

Similarly, Parfit calls a theory temporally neutral if it does not care about the times at which things occur.

A theory which tells you to “maximise your life’s total wellbeing” is temporally neutral, since it doesn’t matter when in your life you experience the wellbeing, but a theory which tells you to “maximise your current wellbeing” is temporally relative.

Parfit compares the Self-Interest Theory to two other theories. The first is what he calls Morality, which is basically an impartial form of morality that instructs us to do whatever would be best for everyone. The second is the Present-Aim Theory, which tells us to do

whatever would best serve our current desires, aims, and interests. We can classify these three theories as follows:

Temporally: Person:

Present-Aim Theory

Self-Interest Theory

Morality

Relative

Neutral

Neutral

Relative

Relative

Neutral

The thrust of Parfit’s argument should now be obvious. While the Present-Aim Theory and Morality are consistently relative or neutral, the Self-Interest Theory is inconsistent: it is temporally neutral but person relative. Now, being temporally neutral but person relative is not in itself a flaw. But Parfit thinks this structure of the Self-Interest Theory makes it vulnerable to attacks “from both sides” – from Morality on one side, and the Present-Aim Theory on the other.

For example, a proponent of Morality might attack the Self-Interest Theory by saying that we are rationally required to care about the wellbeing of other people.

In arguing against this claim, the Self-Interest Theorist might appeal to various arguments – they might say that the wellbeing of other people cannot rationally move us, since it is detached from the current sources of our motivation. But then the Present-Aim Theorist might pop up and ask: if we cannot, for this reason, be rationally required to care about the wellbeing of other people, then why can we be rationally required to care about the wellbeing of our future self? After all, the wellbeing of our future self can also be detached from our current sources of motivation.

Parfit thinks that this vulnerability to two-pronged attacks is fatal to the Self-Interest Theory. Thus, he thinks, proponents of an egoistic or selfish rationality are forced to defend the Present-Aim Theory, which is far less palatable, since most of us believe that we are rationally required to care about our future wellbeing.

31

Columns

NT: TE ARA TAUIRA

ACCESS DENIED

JADE GIFFORD

ERIN PAGE

Mi Casa, Su Casa

“But they don’t look disabled!” This is something many of my friends have heard said about them over the years. To the average person, when they think about the word “disabled”, no doubt the most common image they’ll conjure up is a person in a wheelchair, or maybe someone holding a cane. But disabilities extend past the physically visible. Invisible disabilities exist and come in many forms. To name a few: chronic pain, chronic fatigue, cognitive impairments, learning difficulties, mental illnesses/health issues, hearing/ vision impairments, and brain injuries.

The degree to which a person might be affected by any of these can vary greatly. For example, a person who has fibromyalgia (often characterised by chronic pain, excessive tiredness, a lower pain threshold, and can also include anxiety and/or depression) might have days where their pain seems manageable, they don’t appear to be too exhausted etc., but on other days the pain or fatigue may be completely overwhelming.

Assuming a person to be able-bodied does a great injustice to those who live with disabilities that aren’t visible. This can create a sense of guilt in an individual with an invisible disability, because this can lead them to reconsider themselves as having a disability. A friend of mine at high school had dyslexia. For tests and exams they would have a separate room with some extra time and a reader/writer to assist them.

I overheard many times from some students that they thought a person having a reader/writer was unfair. I never understood why on earth they’d think that, but clearly they’d never bothered to take a moment to think about what it might be like to have something that made learning more difficult.

A person with a visible, or invisible, disability does not owe anyone an explanation about it. Everyone needs to stop making assumptions about those around us – you never know what a person is or is not experiencing.

We’re all trying to get on with our lives as best we can, the least we can do is be respectful to one another and acknowledge our differences, whatever form they come in.

I’ve noticed that when shoes come off at the marae, they seem to enter a period of liminalness, of no longer belonging to the individual, but to the collective.

List of the 5 Types of Shoes Most Likely to Disappear (or be “borrowed”) at the marae: 1. Jandals — Easy to put on, easy to take off. Socks: optional.

2. Nike Scuffs — One of the most common choices of footwear for young Māori students. Stylish and branded, but just as convenient as jandals. Also the hardest to track down if stolen, as they are all identical.

3. Red-bands/ Gumboots — Staple for rainy Wellington weather. Perfect for traversing muddy terrain and most likely seen on homesick East Coast students seeking familiarity and the comfort of home.

4. Slippers — Arguably the most multipurpose footwear — the shoe that seems to be neither tapu nor noa, can be seen outside, in the wharenui, wharepaku, and lecture theatres. Very likely to be “borrowed” (with exception of the symbolic pair that seem to have been outside the whare since the beginning of time, that are so worn down that they’re practically soleless).

5. Branded sneakers (primarily Nike and Adidas) — Most sought after shoe, but the least accessible considering their rarity. Anyone who's been to a marae before knows better than to put their best shoes on display.

I guess some people would see the tendency for shoes to "disappear" from the marae as exemplifying the stereotype of “Māori criminality”. But to them I would say the fluidity of ownership that is issued upon personal belongings while at the marae is one of the most visible and prominent forms of whanaungatanga, and acts as a notion of connection and kinship.

After all it could be argued that we're just taking heed of the Pākehā notion of taking a "walk in someone else’s shoes".

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FROM THE ARCHIVES MAX NICHOL A conversation no one asked for, which everyone will nevertheless have a blast furnace of a hot take on – the spirit of the flag referendum lives on at Victoria University of Wellington. The university administration has announced that after sixty-three years, it’s time once again to think about the name of this institution.

I’ve cared about this issue for at least a week now, so let’s stoke the coals and dive in.

From 1874 to 1961, Victoria, Otago, Dunedin, and Auckland were all colleges of the University of New Zealand, the only institution which could legally confer degrees in New Zealand. Though the UoNZ was not dissolved until 1961, by 1955 the idea that the four main university colleges might become independent universities was already in the air, prompting reconsideration of the name of Victoria University College. Salient reported that the College Council preferred the University of Wellington, while at the Student Association’s AGM, those gathered resolved that they preferred Victoria University. Victoria University of Wellington, born of a compromise between the two, has served this institution ever since.

Echoing his forebears, Vice-Chancellor Grant Guildford has championed the name “The University of Wellington” – a little unimaginative, though I’ll concede it has a certain antiquated charm. Apparently there are too many universities named “Victoria”, obscuring our international brand reputation. Like the suggested change itself, this particular concern also has a rough equivalent in the 1950s discussion:

a staggering number of places named after her. As noted in Salient in 1957:

Apparently “no sentimental monarchist”, the author posits that “Vic” has taken on a life of its own, divorced from Queen Victoria. It’s part of our heritage – let’s leave it alone.

Should we get to pick and choose our heritage?

The global reach of “Victoria” as a moniker speaks to the expansiveness of the British Empire, with Queen Victoria at its head, which is now embedded in the parks, streets, and universities of the British Commonwealth. Laying the blame for New Zealand colonialism squarely at the feet of Queen Victoria would be reductive of course. Sir George Grey, Governor of New Zealand from 1861-1868, had far more to do with the theft of Māori land and impoverishment of Māori communities than Queen Victoria – but he did so under her higher authority, contravening Te Tiriti o Waitangi, to which her Crown was a signatory.

There is truth in the idea that Victoria University of Wellington has shed any association with monarchy, its students and staff having generated new meanings.

But when the legacy of colonisation is so fraught with violence and dispossession, I wonder whether it’s appropriate to be that absent-minded about the origins of the names of our surroundings.

Rawinia Higgins, Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Māori), has suggested a change to the university’s Māori name, to align with that of the marae on Kelburn Parade, Te Herenga Waka. But if we’re going to change the name at all, why not go a step further: make Te Herenga Waka the sole name of the university. As Pākehā person, it’s not really for me to say whether doing so would signal a meaningful instance of decolonisation, or a crude attempt of slapping some te reo on a colonial institution calling it biculturalism. But I think that’s a far more worthwhile conversation than one about brand distinctiveness.

Both cities mentioned in this excerpt are in Victoria, Australia, a confusion which is apparently common today.

As distasteful as I find it to hear universities discussed as brands, Guildford has made some points I find myself agreeing with. Fundamentally though, I feel a more interesting conversation might start with asking why there are so many universities associated with the word “Victoria”. As the monarch during the period of British High Imperialism, Queen Victoria has 33

Columns

MAURI ORA

THE "F" WORD

CATHERINE NELSON & ALEX BEATTIE

HARPER BURTENSHAW

Healthy Tech Habits Workshop

After trying to start a feminist club in a conservative Auckland Grammar School, I have heard my fair share of sexist comments. But living in a hall has brought those sexist comments home from school.

We live in an age in which we’ve never been so connected to one another – smartphones and social media enable us to keep in touch with family and friends worldwide. Yet for some reason, loneliness and anxiety are on the rise. According to recent research in Australia, more than 50% of Australians experience loneliness, and in the U.K., a study by The Co-op and the British Red Cross revealed over 9 million people are either always or often lonely. In the U.S., the National Institute of Mental Health reports that 38 percent of teenage girls and 26 percent of teenage boys have an anxiety disorder.

Sexism festers in halls just as pervasively as fresher flu.

Sexist comments trickle out of the mouths of guys and girls that I share close quarters with — these comments are invading my personal space, I am sure they’re invading yours too. And ladies, we need ways to fight off these comments and make our living spaces sexism-free. We wouldn’t have let misogynistic boys traipse into our living room at home and mansplain the reasons why they don't believe in feminism. If they did, I would first ask how the hell they got into my house, and then kindly ask them to fuck off!

The problem could be that we’re connected all the time. Thanks to social media like Facebook and Instagram, the ideal life no longer sits within glossy weekend magazines, but in the personalised news feeds of our friends and peers. It’s here we’re bombarded with pictures of body shapes or holidays we think we should have. And no one ever reminds us that these are painstakingly curated, and devoid of any plain or ugly moments – the sort that makes people “human” and reality “real”. This is why the UK Royal Society of Public Health recently warned that social media can inspire feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and self-loathing.

I also know that walking around with a neon sign over your head reading FEMINIST isn't always the best way to meet new people. But in reality, voicing your opinions on something that is sexist, racist, or homophobic is the best way to figure out who your friends are.

If the boy down the hall says he is going to try to move out of his law lecture because he doesn’t like female lecturer’s “teaching style” then let him know that “that’s pretty sexist dude!!” Navigating first year as a raging feminist may seem tricky at times, but it's important to stand up for your rights, even when it may seem polarising and scary.

Alex Beattie is a PhD student at Victoria University, who is researching the benefits of disconnecting from the internet, and how to cultivate healthy tech habits when online.

So, as the multi-talented Troy Bolton once said “We’re all in this together”, and it's so true. Us first year feminists have to stick together — babe I got your back!

Alex will be hosting a free workshop in SU218 in the Student Union Building from 12 noon to 1pm on Tuesday 29 May. There is no need to book, just turn up. There will be a chance to learn how to take control of your smartphone, develop some healthy tech habits, and make some social connections too.

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We’re picking at low-hanging fruit today. Let’s talk about sucking dick. (Dad, let me say it one more time: this is not the column for you.)

Sucking dick is great, and boy howdy do I take pride in my work. Hell, I have wet dreams about giving head. As someone pointed out the other day, one of the few things that I am consistently capable of is giving good oral. I like being called pet names as I do it. I like having my hair played with. Going down gets me hot. Going down is an honour and a privilege.

A feminist who likes being on her knees?? Feminism diSproved!!&!#&!!, etc.

It is called a blowjob for a reason though, right?

Like, you gotta put your back into it. Go big or go home, fortune favours the enthusiastic. It is hard but rewarding work — erection humour, truly revolutionary comedy Sash — except the reward part dries up faster than the Sahara Desert as soon as it becomes apparent that the person I’m hooking up with flat out refuses to return the favour.

With one night stands, a lot of the time I won’t let guys go down on me anyway. By and large a drunken hookup will “go down on you” (read: will ineffectually lick your flaps but never quite discover the clit) for all of three minutes before calling it quits: I’m just saving us all the trouble. But that’s not the point. Think of it like going on a date with someone rich and pretending to reach for your wallet when the bill comes. At least pretend to reach for your wallet man — just pretend you give a single fuck about whether or not I also get off tonight — and I’m still gonna go down on you.

Don’t get me wrong — unreciprocated oral can be hot. Right person, right time, right place, etc. And I mean, power to you, don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. But if you’re going to go home with someone, sit back while they do the lord’s work for up to an hour (generous in most cases), and then say “I don’t do that” when it comes to helping them out — you deserve to be put in the fucking bin.

Yeah, you know where I’m going with this. Let’s talk about DJ “There Are Different Rules For Men” Khaled.

In case you live an actual life and aren’t constantly consuming popular culture via social media platforms, here’s the scoop: an interview with DJ “We The Best” Khaled from a few years back has resurfaced, wherein he revealed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his wife.

“No, never. Nah, hell nah. I don’t. You know what I’m saying? Like, I don’t, nah. I don’t do that. I don’t do that. I don’t — nah listen. I put in that work. My work is great. I do my thing,” Khaled said in the interview, and I am not making that shit up. “Now if she told you she don’t do that, is that okay?” asked co-host Angela Yee, to which Khaled eloquently responded, “na it’s not okay”.

“There’s different rules for men. You know what I’m saying, you know you gotta understand like you know we we um, we you know, we’re the King, you know what I’m saying so we know, some things that, y’all might not want to do or want to do — it gotta get done. You know what I’m saying? I just can’t do what you want me to do. I just can’t.”

Nicole Tuck — Mrs DJ Khaled, if you will — deserves to be fucking knighted for sticking with this man since the early 90s, BEARING HIS CHILD, and probably having to hear him wheeze “another one” at her from a starfish position on the bed on a regular basis, without ever ONCE being orally pleasured in return. I guess part of being The Queen is having the patience of a saint.

One delightful silver lining is The Rock’s response to this shit. On 6 May he tweeted “Ahem.. *clears throat* as a man, I take great pride in mastering ALL performances. This is probably a little TMI.. I will now quietly excuse myself from this fun thread [sic],” confirming once and for all that yes, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson does in fact eat ass. Do with that information what you will.

It’s just disrespectful, honestly. Is that what unconditional love is? Sticking with someone despite their absolute aversion to looking your genitals in the eye? If so, I want no part in it. Personalities undulate, wealth can be lost — but orgasms are forever.

Love you, xoxo

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BOOK THINGS FALL APART

BY CHINUA ACHEBE REVIEW: ALEX FEINSON

Each month, the Salient books team are going to review the books on the program for the Vic Books 2018 Book Club. The third book on the list is Things Fall Apart by Nigerian author Chinua Achebe.

children, or slaves. But there are moments when he is a caring and protective father, and he does a lot in service of the greater good of his family and village.

As the novel progresses, the latter quality becomes ever more present, as he leads the the fight against the oncoming wave of colonialism to protect his village and way of life.

Published in 1959, Things Fall Apart is regarded as one of the seminal texts in modern African literature, and Achebe garnered international acclaim for the book.

The hardest part about the novel to read were the moments when gender politics and the role of women were bought up. Purely because of my own beliefs and modern reading, it was hard to reconcile this with the world of the novel where the women are subordinate to the men. The child marriages, slavery, physical violence, and multiple child deaths that the women have to experience in the novel is heartbreaking, and it was a challenge to get through those passages.

The novel is set in southern Nigeria at the turn of the nineteenth century, and follows Okonkwo, an Igbo man who is a well-respected warrior and wrestling champion, and his family and village at the moment of their first contact with European missionaries.

As a fan of literature that explores colonialism as a wider theme, Things Fall Apart was an interesting and engaging read from the beginning. By building up to the central moment in the plot of the first contact between the Igbo people and the Europeans, Achebe constructs an elegant piece of post-colonial literature.

However, while most female characters were secondary figures in the novel, Okonkwo’s second wife Ekwefi and her daughter Ezinma are more developed and interesting characters. Both are able to, and are allowed to, stand up to Okonkwo and are feisty, rebellious, and intelligent characters.

The first section of the novel is dedicated to exploring the customs, spirituality, history, and village life in Umuofia. Elements to this society are completely different to anything that I, and most other people, are used to or know anything about, so reading about things such as oracles, tribal politics, and ritual sacrifices, culminated in a total immersion in this strange and mystical world that the novel takes place in.

Things Fall Apart is a pivotal text in African and postcolonial literature, and Achebe is truly a master writer.

I have never read a book quite like it, and I am floored by its majesty and brilliance.

The second half of the novel is where the first contact plot line begins. Europeans begin to arrive in the area, and try (rather aggressively) to convert the villagers to Christianity.

Okonkwo is a character that is very easy to dislike.

He is harsh, callous, violent, and aggressive, and in many places, it was difficult to push through and read moments of extreme violence towards his wives, 36

ART THE ADAM PORTRAITURE AWARD IS GOOFY AND ANACHRONISTIC AND I LOVE IT REVIEW: SAM GASKIN

Every two years, the New Zealand Portrait Gallery solicits original paintings from the public. There were about 300 submissions this year, with first place winning a prize of $20,000.

boy with a dog in his lap that evokes ’90s shopping mall photo studios. It’s a hyperreal rendition of uncool.

Another piece in the “Legs to hump, places to pee” genre is Marcus Ebbett’s Constable Rob Eastham with Ike, a work whose full-bearded, Holden-engineered menace is almost forgiven by Ike’s total disinterest.

Ebbett depicts Eastham as you might see him shot for a newspaper. It’s objective, photorealist reporting, minus any hint of a headline as to why.

The prize went to Logan Moffat for Elam, a large oilon-canvas studio interior inhabited by Jayden Plank and Harry Telfer. It’s a chaotic composition; the eye obediently follows the arrow along Jayden’s forearm towards his self-conscious hands, before pinging up to his and Harry’s stuporous faces. It’s Elam without much elan because Moffat is getting on with the work of being a real artist.

Implicit in the decision to spend time painting someone is some sort of fondness the artist has for their subject, or, in the case of Katharine White’s Tanja and Anubis, that the subject has for herself. Tanja, chin raised, dominates the viewer and Anubis, with her hand tellingly close to his balls. She’s in control of him and the representation of herself, something she can further micromanage in the gold-framed mirrors clustered on her wall like a bank of security camera TVs.

I like Elam. The faces are full of character without being overwrought. The composition is complex enough to illustrate the painter’s considerable skill and prompt the viewer to further interrogate the work. How is that mobile constructed? What has “pearlescent curvature”? Can Jayden step out of those shorts, or must he peel them off, his lover tugging at the disgorged waistband while he slides the legs down his thighs?

Is White deliberately drawing attention to Tanja's narcissism? A friend I took to the show, a poet, saw the knowingness behind Tanja and Anubis as utterly obvious, but then again she saw it in almost every single painting. I’m not so sure. Portrait painters don’t think like poets. It’s SARDINES and ORANGES.1 Sometimes people just reckon their living rooms are awesome, and what’s wrong with that?

Given the open, egalitarian nature of the prize, it’s a little annoying that Elam is so explicitly a painting by a painter who paints. But it makes sense in the context of portraiture’s declining position in the art world, relative to its increasing position in internet art or on Instagram. As a form’s popularity declines, its exponents tend to identify themselves with it more ostentatiously. As Hera Lindsay Bird writes, “To be fourteen, and wet yourself extravagantly / At a supermarket checkout / As urine cascades down your black lace stocking / And onto the linoleum / Is to comprehend what it means to be a poet”. Portrait painters too, I suspect.

Gavin Chai, at least, did critically engage. His Big Brother seems totally surprised to be noticed despite his high-vis, which rouges his cheek in traffic-cone orange. There’s the beginnings of a story there about who we do choose to depict that’s befitting of the competition.

The 2018 Adam Portraiture Award exhibition continues until May 27.

Many of the works in the Adam Portraiture Award exhibition aren’t so explicitly about art, however.

They’re about dogs. Second place went to Martha Mitchell for “Things to do, places to be”, a teenage

1 SARDINES and ORANGES is a reference to Frank O’Hara’s poem Why I Am Not a Painter

37

TELEVISION SILICON VALLEY: SEASON 5 REVIEW: CONALL AIRD & GEORGE BULLEID

Despite coming into its 5th season, this is perhaps the best time for HBO’s continuously hilarious Silicon Valley to air. As Zuckerberg takes immense heat for the recent breaches of privacy at Facebook, the once positive societal response towards apps and tech companies, now basic components of everyday life, has began to deteriorate. The creators and writers behind Silicon Valley are likely more aware of this than most, finding themselves in a unique situation where they are ready to lampoon an industry just as everyone else is ready to laugh at it. Due to the changes to the industry in which the show operates, it seems this new season may have the capacity to focus more on denouncing and ridiculing its characters, rather than saving them.

to succeed and his more philanthropic ideas means that viewers get to see Richard become his own worst enemy and the type of villain he initially despised.

A new narrative direction and a revitalised focus on its characters means that the series is able to avoid being trapped by its same old jokes. And while in part relying on its established story formula and comedic sense that made and continues to make the show great, the creative team have thrown enough curveballs in each episode to maintain the series’ feeling of momentum and unpredictability.

At the beginning of Season 5, Richard Hendricks appears to have finally succeeded in the tech industry.

Now rich from the invention of a data-compression algorithm, and backed with plenty of funding, the show’s protagonist is now free to pursue his plan of creating a “decentralised internet”, unrestricted by firewalls, government interference, and data-mining.

The show has moved beyond the frequent backsliding of Richard’s company, Pied Piper, and has now set its characters up in the unfamiliar circumstances of running an actual business with no oversight or influence.

Most glaringly, it has given Richard’s character the chance to enter deeper into the moral ambiguity of the tech industry, particularly his mounting readiness to undermine others to get what he wants. Such renewed focus on Richard results from the unquiet departure of TJ Miller from the show’s line-up. While once a scene-stealing character who provided some of the bizarre plot progressions, and the largest laughs for audiences, the absence of a character of the magnitude of Miller’s Erlich Bachman allows the growing darker side of Richard to become a more central part of the series. This exploration of Richard and the tension he faces between his longing 38

THEATRE STILL LIFE WITH CHICKENS AUCKLAND THEATRE COMPANY REVIEW: EMILIE HOPE

Still Life with Chickens is a little slice of Mama’s (Goretti Chadwick) life. Set in her garden where she seems most herself and most at peace (i.e. away from Papa, her husband), it’s a one woman show, with interjections from Papa (Ene Petaia) within the house, and also a rebel chicken which she names Moa, puppeteered expertly by Haanz Fa’avae-Jackson.

and spends a good few minutes crying before wiping her tears to focus on Moa – a missed opportunity for emotional truth.

If the show engaged more with the audience, maybe Mama’s emotional reveals would have felt more natural and pulled my heartstrings more. This directorship by actor Fasitua Amosa makes for a light but ultimately forgetful show.

The play opens on Mama burying her cat, Blackie.

Throughout the forty-five minute play, we see Mama doing laundry, and eventually talking to Moa the chicken as well, revealing some dark secrets she’s kept for over fifty years. Mama talks frequently to the vegetables in her garden – her pumpkin will make a nice pie for her granddaughter, her spinach will make her grandsons strong – showing her pride and care for food and family.

Still Life with Chickens runs until 2 June. Tickets are available at circa.co.nz.

The play surrounded itself with themes of family, love, and loss but I felt these could have been driven home more. Furthermore, the role of the audience was never really defined. Shakespeare, for example, always included the audience, characters speaking directly to them during their soliloquies (and other dialogue).

As a result of not having a defined audience, there was no flow of conversation, and I was constantly taken out of the world of the play, being reminded that I was in a theatre, watching a show. It would have made more dramaturgical sense to cast the audience as Barbara, Mama’s nosy neighbour, through lighting cues, seeing as the audience is indeed listening into Mama’s life and thoughts. However, the lighting was not sharp and presented a missed opportunity.

Just as Hamlet speaks to Yorick, Mama speaks to Blackie and Moa. However, since Moa is her own character (as demonstrated by the way Fa’avaeJackson was not dressed in theatre-camouflaging black) yet speechless, it doesn’t entirely allow for the emotional openness the audience yearns for, because Mama is preoccupied with the chicken and not herself. At one moment, Mama walks onstage in tears 39

FILMS BOOKS TO FILMS LOVE, SIMON REVIEW: STEPHEN HUGHES

THE GUERNSEY LITERARY & POTATO PEEL PIE SOCIETY

Love, Simon is a classic high school rom-com filled with tons of millennial buzzwords and liberal concepts that would make hipsters orgasm on the spot. I love it.

The movie follows 17-year-old Simon Spier. His story is a cute, funny teen romance like any other. A touch of Perks of Being a Wallflower and Clueless.

Except Simon is gay. He also has a secret love interest, a gay pen pal, AND HE GETS BLACKMAILED FOR IT (ooooo, drama).

Not to ruin the story, but for once the gays don’t die. AND THERE’S A HAPPY ENDING. Finally, right?

The movie is not perfect. Would I have liked to see more than one Asian in the film? Yes. Should there have been a more meaningfully developed relationship depicted between Blue and Simon? Of course. I also would have liked to have seen a more plausible premise.

But I think that’s what the movie was going for. It’s a gay romance in the most ideal of circumstances, but there’s still issues in ideal circumstances.

Throughout the film, the adorable interactions between the two are juxtaposed with events that will melt your heart in many different ways. The white girls in the cinema will probably cry and clap.

I’ve watched the movie 9 times and paid for it every time. I am going for a 10th. Don’t judge me.

Go out there and support your gays. I promise this movie is a treat!

Quite simply, both the book and film are a delight.

I do love a vivacious centralising voice, and Juliet Ashton’s voice convinced me not only that spending the length of the novel with her would be enjoyable, but also that I too could compile a enthralling and witty compilation of un-extraordinary tales with humour and a captivating narrative voice. The story follows Juliet, a moderately successful writer-journalist in the late 1940s, who travels to the British island of Guernsey off the coast of France, to find out more about a mysteriously named “Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society”.

When I saw it was a post-war angle, I almost lost interest, not seeking a tale of dreary disappointments and stiff-upper-lip heartache. But without being dismissive or oblivious, this is as light and sweet as ever a story featuring war could be. The story of Guernsey’s occupation is told through the personal histories of the society’s members. Part of its spell is convincing you that you need to be either a writer or a pig-farmer in Guernsey. Or both.

The secrecy that veils some of these stories was more exaggerated in the film. However, without the hook of the eclectic characters writing their own tales in their letters, I can see why the element of brooding mystery became necessary.

This movie may not be your style, so avoid it if you a) dislike close ups of type writing and letters, b) don’t care for 1940s fashion, c) are bored by sweeping landscapes and pensively framed camera shots, d) despise Downton Abbey actors or e) hate reading books (you uncultured swine).

REVIEW: AMY STIMSON

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MUSIC THROWBACK T-SWIZZLE: SPEAK NOW REVIEW: STEPHEN HUGHES

Taylor Swift: country music star turned pop princess, turned media controversy, turned dead, came back to life as… a snake queen? Bad-Ass Bitch? Culturally and sonically black-appropriating white girl? Maybe all of this is true, maybe none of it is.

But the fact is, you know her, and you cannot escape her nor her music. So, she must be doing something right.

Today I shall review one of my favourite albums of hers, arguably the ultimate favourite: Speak Now. Ahhhh, what can I say about old school Taylor Swift, one of my greatest musical loves of all. Her Speak Now album just reinvigorates my inner Stan and passion. SHE WROTE THIS ENTIRE ALBUM BY HERSELF PEOPLE (“If This Was a Movie” is a bonus track and doesn’t count okay). AND EVERY SONG IS GOOD… Yes, even “Dear John”, do not @ me. But that’s just my humble opinion. Swift even co-produced this entire album with only one other person, Nathan Chapman.

Even without knowing she was the sole writer of each and every song, there is just such uniqueness to her

lyrics, you just know every song is and was 100% authentic Taylor Swift. Many of the sides of Taylor that we love seem to be covered in the album. The dreaming, wide eyed ingenue in “Mine”, the regretful lover in “Back to December”, the anxious, lovesick, manic pixie dream girl in “Enchanted” (my favourite), dramatically crushed ex-lover in “Dear John”, shady mean girl in “Better Than Revenge”, and uplifting sovereign of Swifities in “Long Live”. There are also tinges of the Taylor the sexual being in “Sparks Fly”, and post-punk rebel teenager in “Haunted”, that deserve a shout out. Taylor Swift seems to have mastered the art of sonically mimicking her emotions in song, and I am living for it.

While there are definitely more sides to Taylor Swift, both in real life and in the album, the heightened drama around each of these sides is exactly what we have come to love. Speak Now does what it sets out to do. It delivers hits that I am still not sick of after 8 years.

So, in conclusion, yes, even though Taylor Swift hates the word, she really is THAT BITCH.

PODCAST THE WEEKLY PLANET REVIEW: OLIVIA PHILIP

I present to you verbatim, The Weekly Planet’s intro theme: “Red hot comic book movie news: shooting up your butthole! [DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN] The weekly planet! The weekly planet!”

The Weekly Planet was the 2018 winner of the Australian Podcast Awards Popular Vote category.

I’ve been a fan for a few years so this made my frickin day.

The typical episode, hosted by James Clement (also known as popular YouTuber Mr Sunday Movies) and Nick Mason “Maso”, begins with a conversation about the relevant movie/TV show news of the week, and sometimes random Australian news that is completely irrelevant, but somehow really funny, as they never fail to explain a little bit of context to their random patriot outbursts.

The weekly themes range from a season review of a show, to a breakdown of a genre of film (their Westerns episode is pretty great), to a SUPERHERO/ VILLAIN SHOWDOWN. These are rare events that any fans of the podcast will know to cherish, as they produce stellar conversation by James and Maso who will debate the winner of a fight between two (or more) comic/movie/TV characters. Is it as dumb as it sounds? Yes. Do I get disproportionately excited when I see that they’ve recorded a new one? Yes. this podcast has been the first thing I do for myself on a Monday, on and off for the past few years, and it sets the tone for the rest of my week. Listening to a silly conversation about which James Bond would win in a James Bond showdown (Daniel Craig would win), is fun, lighthearted, and most importantly, it’s not American politics, or politics of any kind. Seriously, they never talk politics, and I bloody love it.

If you listen to an episode for its theme, you might be disheartened, as the news could go for a solid fifteen minutes. As a traditionalist for the art of red hot comic-book movie news shooting up your butthole (that’s right, your butthole), the news is golden and unskippable, but yeah, it does drag on if you’re just waiting for them to do the review on A Quiet Place and they keep talking about the upcoming Johnny

English movie that no-one cares about.

If the topic is a movie review, they’ll talk spoiler free for about five to ten minutes, depending on how spoiler-free friendly the film is. Being a YouTuber by main trade, James is in the habit of giving extreme ratings. The reviewed film is either the BEST MOVIE EVER or the WORST MOVIE EVER, and on very rare occasion does the film receive the rating of: it’s just a movie.

A few of their best episodes include 194: D23 Baby Driver (with Edgar Wright) in which they interviewed Edgar Wright who had a cold at the time. James and Maso were really excited.

Damn Edgar Wright is a cool guy.

162: Fantastic Beasts and Where are They or whatever (in the case) where Maso is happy about finally seeing a Harry Potter movie that has competent magical adults.

143: Dumb Movie Futures That Are Wrong one of the few episodes led by Maso, where he presents his list of old movies set in the future but which is now the past, and then they mock them for how embarrassingly wrong they are.

These two guys are delightfully chill and (mostly) refreshingly objective in their reviews. Overall, they’re fans of good movie/show content, which will annoy any die-hard DC Extended Universe fans, but as far as their topic selection is concerned, they don’t limit themselves to one fan-base over another.

I really, really enjoy this podcast, and try make an effort to listen to their weekly updates. My only complaint is that not enough people listen to them, and I’m stuck with no-one to talk to about one of my favourite things.

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DEAR DADDY DAVE “You deserve so much more.”

It’s 11pm and I’ve just finished laying out tonight’s dinner — bangers and mash. The usual. I’ve laid the table with our plates, cutlery, and Veisguy wheat beer, when he knocks at the door. I rush to it, just as he enters. There he stands, his mouth slightly quirked in that adorable smile. Like he’s had some kind of stroke. Yes, even his mouth leans a little to the right.

He’s so perfect. It’s a wonder he isn’t a hologram. But no, he’s real alright. He is so real.

“I’m sorry?” He responds, the final pea raised to his lips.

“David my love. I don’t understand. Why are the people of Epsom the only ones who recognise your individualism for what it is?”

“It’s alright poppet. Someday they’ll all be enlightened by their Charter School education.” He places the cutlery softly on the table. Reaching up to his shirt, he pops the top button loose, freeing the base of his neck.

I watch his eyebrows twitch momentarily as he returns to his meal.

Once he’s finished we place the dishes and cutlery in the dishwasher and head upstairs to bed.

In our room, there are two single beds.

David knows to respect my individual rights. He removes his checked maroon pyjamas from his drawer and gets changed, slowly. Once he’s finished, he puts his socks back on his feet before getting into bed. I do the same, and we lie there in silence. Staring at the roof. I listen to the rhythm of his breath and it matches that of my heart. I turn to see him clutch at his pillow, tighter than he does to the National Party. My consciousness wanders, and I sink into sleep, but just before I do, I hear him whisper:

“Yeah, g’day,” he says, in a softer tone than his stance on taxation.

“How was your day?” I respond, wincing at the harshness of my voice compared to his.

“Struggling with Jacinda. The bloody Auckland Regional Fuel Tax impedes the freedom of the individual. 12c is just too much to ask, and she knows it! The good people of Epsom have it hard enough.” I smile reassuringly, but I watch his face contort in anger.

“But you represent them David. They are so thankful for that.” He pauses. His anger softens somewhat, and he gives a stiff thumbs up before moving through to the dining room. He sits at the table as I take a seat on the floor opposite. Much like the Act party itself, we only have one seat. I watch as he looks down at the meal I’ve made. Two burnt sausages rest on mashed potato more loosely formed than his performance pay for teachers’ policy. He smiles, and I melt.

“Own your future…” and with those words I feel a warmth engulf me, as visions of his Dancing with the Stars victory emerge to carry me through the night.

Oh, David. When will the good people of New Zealand realise that you are their redemption?

By John Blanks

There are 87 peas lying next to the potato, as always.

They represent the number of seats that my Seymour deserves. I watch as he eats them, one by one. He respects each of them as an individual. When he reaches the last pea, I sigh to myself.

Salient is currently exchanging 600 words of David Seymour fanfiction for approximately $1,000,000 Dave Bucks. Expressions of interest can be sent to editor@salient.org.nz.

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Aries (March 21 - Apr 19) You have become the prime suspect. But they don't have solid evidence. Don't speak without your lawyer, lest you end up like Gemini.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22) More like le bra amirite! Thank you. I'm here all week.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) Your good fortune continues. Someone will flush a sombrero down the toilet this week. You may have been living on sewer rats for the last few weeks, but it will have all been worthwhile when you see how cool this hat is.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You've always wanted to solve crimes. You like doughnuts. Sign up for the New Zealand Police force today!

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) One of the people who will sit next to you on the bus is a maniac. You'll never guess which one.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't drop the soap.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will realise that you don't know how bagels are made. Your thirst for knowledge will be forgotten when you are next at a computer. You will live in ignorance for the rest of your life

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You will experience some strange new feelings.

Don't panic. I know it's scary, but agreeing with Winston Peters is a normal, healthy part of growing up. One day you'll get a gold card too.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You need to start gathering things for the ritual.

Bloodstones are really cheap at this time of year.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You must flee at once.

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20) You're young and want to experiment. That's normal. Just make sure that the fires don't get out of control.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You may as well start getting used to being in a coffin now. You'll start spending a lot of time in one in a few months.

SUDOKU

LITERAL MURDER

FUN

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CROSSWORD: SIK BEATS M8 ACROSS 3/28 "Ya'll already know who it is" except we don't, because you're a ___ rapper (10) [split 4 xWord to 5,5] 4 Home to those chillwave live streams you trendy fucks listen to (7) 20D/7 See 20D for clue 10 90s trance hit was produced to help reduce car accidents (8) 12 See 24A for clue 13 Combination of cum & New Orleans music, think of Mac Demarco (4, 4) 11D/14 See 11D for clue 15 Famous 21A, whose life is on YouTube (5) 18/5D Band: lead singer told a man to fuck off, during their iTunes festival set (3, 8) 19/21D Jumping frogs and hot dogs in Albuquerque? (6, 6) 21 A bogan in Russia (4) 24/12 He threw away the garbage pail and got a new one (4, 5) 25D/27 See 25D for clue 30 24A knows a lot about this _____ kingdom/land (6) 31/2D Hazard suits rapping at a Japanese subway station (7, 4) DOWN 29/1A See 29A for clue 31A/2 See 31A for clue 18A/5 See 18A for clue 6 “Techno, put a _____ on it” (4) 8 Everyone knows this 2000s Russian space man (5) 9 True stripes from this brand, makes a 21A real (6) 11/14A He be bonkers, he thinks he just free (6, 6) 16 This French Mr. makes electronic music (4) 17 31A is a song, by what name? (13) 20/7A 11D is Evangelic in this song: “big dirty stinkin’ bass” (8, 6) 19A/21 See 19A for clue 22 Winner of Mac Demarco’s 69 cents cover contest (2, 3) 23 Alt name for the puppet in 16D’s popular music video (5) 25/27A song name? (6, 9) 26 Meanwhile in NZ: empty pint? Get yourself another... (5) 29/1 From 26D, you can call this guy loyal (4, 6)

BOGGLE

LAST WEEK'S CROSSWORD ANSWERS

Note: words must be at least three letters long, and cannot be proper nouns, abbreviations or contractions.

Meh: 14 words Wow: 16 words Wtf: 20 words

G

I T

E R

ACROSS 1: LESS 2: JOHN 3: LANGE 6: DAVID 7: SHREK 9: LAW 10: SWEATER 13: SHARON 14: ONEILL 16: MELANIE 19: COLLINS 21: GRAY 22: BAIN 23: VANDYK 24: BUZZY DOWN 1: LORDE 2: JERRY 4: KIRWEN 5: ADAMS 7: STEVE 8: CAMPBELL 11: BEE 12: BILLY 15: NEWSBOY 17: LUCY 18: HICKEY 20: JIM

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Television

46

Editor Louise Lin

News Writers Olivia Philip, Shanti Mathias, Liam Powell, Emma Sidnam, Char Earle, Tori Bright, Matilda Boese-Wong, Thomas Campbell, Kellen Farmer, Te Paea Hoori, Calum Steele, Navneeth Nair, Vita Molyneux,

Designer/Illustrator Ruby Ash News Editor Sasha Beattie Sub Editor Sally Harper

Contributors Grahame Woods, Jack Liang, Hugo Robinson, James Allan, Stephen Yee-Hughes, Patrick Takurua, Marlon Drake, Tamatha Paul, Shakked Noy, Jade Gifford, Erin Page, Max Nichol, Catherine Nelson, Alex Beattie, Harper Burtenshaw, Sam Gaskin, Amy Stimson, Gus Mitchell, Nathan Hotter, Joanna Li, Corey Fuimaono, Anton Huggard

Distributor Danica Soich Chief News Reporter Angus Shaw Feature Writers Cavaan Wild Preya Gothanayagi Beth Paterson, Paddy Miller, Rhianna Morar, Kii Small, Simran Rughani, Ella Hughes

FM Station Managers Kii Small & Jazz Kane

Section Editors Conall Aird & George Bulleid (TV) Josh Ellery (Music) Alex Feinson (Books) Hannah Patterson (Podcast) Emma Maguire (Film) Jane Wallace (Arts) Tom Hall (Food) James Brown (Poetry)

TV Producers Elise Lanigan & Lauren Spring Social Media fb.com/salientmagazine T: @salientmagazine I: @salientgram S: salientmag

Centrefold Elliot Gonzales @balikhalftone

Contact editor@salient.org.nz designer@salient.org.nz www.salient.org.nz Level 2, Student Union Building, Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington Printed By Inkwise Advertising Josephine Dawson advertising@vuwsa.org.nz 04 463 6982 About Us Salient is employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University Students’ Association (VUWSA).

Salient is a proud member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association.

Complaints People with a complaint against the magazine should complain in writing to the editor at editor@salient.org.nz and then, if not satisfied with the response, to VUWSA. Contributor of the Week Alex Feinson Read Salient online at salient.org.nz

LARRIKINS

Sudoku by Nathan Hotter, Crossword by Corey Fuimaono, Boggle by Joanna Li, Triggerfin by Gus Mitchell, Horoscope and Larrikins by Anton Huggard

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