Issue 03 | Stale-ient

Issue #3

Volume 81

Stale-ient

W R A PPI N G PA PE R F OR THAT

E ME RGE N CY RAIN HAT

REPL ACEM ENT LOO ROLL

U NC L E YO U D O N'T

F OR UN PREDICTABLE

W HEN THING S ARE TIG HT

R E A L LY L I K E

WE L L I N GTO N W EATHER

MA K I NG 10 TO 2 0 PAPE R

SUBS TI TUTE F OR KITT Y LITTER

FAN YOURSELF AFTER WALKING UP 14 DIFFERENT

PLANES

HILL S TO UNI

6 WAYS TO R E C YCLE YOUR SAL I E N T This Aint a Scene it's a Goddamned Arm Wrestle Pg 16

Black is the New Black Pg 15

Problematic Favourites Pg 20

Contents

EDITOR'S LETTER 3 NEWS Featured News 4 News 6 Political Round-Up 9 *News* 10 Opinion 12 LETTERS & NOTICES 13 FEATURES VUWSA Elections 14 Black is the New Black 15 This Ain't a Scene it's a Goddamned Arm Wrestle 16 Problematic Favourites 20 The Year We Ruined the Olympics 26 POEMS 23 CENTREFOLD 24 COLUMNS Presidential Address 30 VUWSA 30 Environment 31 Te Ara Tauira 32 UniQ 32 Super Science Trends 33 SWAT 34 Ask the Advocate 34 REVIEWS Music 35 Theatre 36 Television 37 Podcast 38 Film 39 Books 40 Food 42 Art 43 ENTERTAINMENT Disctractions 44 Horoscope 45

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Editor's Letter LOUISE LIN

I’ve got a sore throat and can’t entirely be fucked with working right now. Marlon’s complaining that I’m a slave driver, but it’s too bad. I’m slave driving myself too. Magazine’s gotta be published.

Having voice is actually a massive privilege. If you ever want to change anything anywhere, the first thing you gotta do is make people listen to you. And to make people listen to you, the first thing you gotta do is be good at communicating, and confident that you can.

Last night, I ended up in Caroline. I was telling Elise, stressed, “I’m just here to get some food, then I’m going straight back to the office. So much shit to write”, which progressed to “just one beer”, and then, inevitably, “I’ll write everything tomorrow”. Later on, I could be heard proclaiming, somewhat hysterically, “work? What do you mean? The magazine doesn’t exist.

Figment of our imaginations”.

I feel massively privileged about the fact that I’m the Salient Editor, the fact that my English is good enough to get me here. My parents moved from Taiwan to New Zealand because they knew that having a native command of English is a lot more powerful on a global platform than a native command of Chinese.

I ran into an old Dunedin pal at Caroline. He’s feeling unfulfilled because he’s an aspiring musician working minimum wage jobs. He also feels like as a white dude he doesn’t have the right to complain about anything. “XYZ is going on in my life. But I shouldn’t complain.

Compared to other people….” I told him his emotions were as valid as anyone else’s.

He probably didn’t believe me.

I received an email today from a guy who was really upset by something, but his English wasn’t good enough for him to make coherent sense. I’m gonna interview him, and hope that at least I can understand him when he talks.

People have said to me “I’m glad that you, as a woman of colour, are the Salient Editor”.

So now it’s 2:30pm on print day and I’m pulling this shit together. Surprisingly not too hungover. Just got back from the sexual assault protest at Law school, asking person after person “want to give a quote for Salient?” A lot of people didn’t. “I don’t have anything to say”, they said.

I’m feeling bad because editing is hard; my flatmates are mad at me because I’ve bailed on cooking dinner twice (too busy editing); I’m working though I’m tired and sick; and sometimes I want a break from it all. My Dunedin friend is feeling bad because he’s unfulfilled.

I don’t know if I’m any happier than him, but I’d still rather be me — having a sense of purpose, and feeling capable of fulfilling this purpose, is a powerful feeling.

I used to think I had nothing to say. Then I realised that I just didn’t believe in myself enough to say anything.

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UVic to offer World's First Degree in Indigenous Law POPPY DONOGHUE

A new law programme is set to be on offer at the University of Victoria in Canada, UVic. It will be the first of its kind, offering students the chance to intensively study both Indigenous and non-Indigenous law.

as distinct peoples,” and to “integrate them into the Canadian mainstream” against their will.

The programme builds on what UVic has been doing for a number of years to further the education of students in the field of Indigenous law. Students taking the course will graduate with two degrees, one in Canadian Common Law and one in Indigenous Legal Orders. The expected yearly intake for the degree is 25 students.

As part of the reconciliation, the Commission says the development and application of Indigenous law is “an element of a broader holistic strategy” to deal with the effects of the assimilation campaign. The Commission’s mandate is to rebuild relationships with First Nations.

The implementation of the UVic programme follows a report from Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission on the residential school system.

Canada’s residential school system was part of an “aggressive assimilation” campaign in the 19th and 20th centuries, in which indigenous children were removed from their families and sent to boarding schools, where many faced both emotional and physical abuse. The residential school system was part of a wider policy plan to “eliminate aboriginal people

Jeremy Webber, Dean of Law at UVic, says the idea behind the new programme is to empower indigenous lawyers and better inform lawyers working with indigenous communities. Webber says there is a longstanding demand from First Nations for more power in governing their own affairs.

One of the significant components of the UVic program is the field work that students get the opportunity to 4

Featured News do. For the past 20 years, UVic has held law camps for students at the beginning of the year. UVic law camps give first year students the opportunity to stay with an indigenous community, where they are able to talk to elders and members of the host community about their experience of the law, both Indigenous and state. It gives students the chance to learn about the culture, traditions and history of the community, as well as to discuss contemporary experiences and issues.

The programme at UVic has developed over a period of time and builds on the work they have engaged in previously, such as running their law camps. Dr Jones said there would be a lot of work involved for New Zealand law schools to get to a point where they could offer a similar programme. He explains that a programme like UVic’s would likely look a bit different in the New Zealand context.

“I think there is huge value in having that kind of comparative perspective and having that joint degree program like UVic are proposing, so you get to really critique each legal system.”

Dr Carwyn Jones, Senior Law Lecturer at Victoria University of Wellington, had “tangential” involvement as the UVic programme was developed. He also completed his PhD at UVic.

Dr Jones said we are at a point where the New Zealand legal system needs to engage with tikanga Māori as law itself, and that “we are going to need to figure out how to best prepare our students for that”.

He explained that there is a real question around how to go about this in a way that is “authentic and appropriate in the context of a law school that is not set up to teach tikanga Māori…it is really important to think about how to do it in a way that is not doing any violence to the tikanga itself”.

In an interview with Dr Jones, he endorsed the importance of this field work, as it provides support for indigenous communities, while giving law students an understanding and appreciation for the circumstances of indigenous communities and their traditional law.

Dr Jones elaborated that a lot of Canadian law students enter their degrees without much contact with indigenous people, and working with a community gives these students a more comprehensive sense of the challenges facing Indigenous Peoples.

Dr Jones said it is important that law students studying in New Zealand understand that tikanga is a living legal system that continues to operate contemporarily.

He explains that while it may be “diminished in its sphere of influence, it is very much still alive and operational, and does develop and change to meet the needs of communities in the same way that any legal system does…it isn’t something that is fixed or frozen in 1840”.

“The key part of the new programme is that it will provide students with another set of tools to deal with legal issues. The common law provides us with one set of tools, and a way of approaching disputes and problems that arise, but there is also another set of tools…that the indigenous legal traditions provide as well.”

UVic’s mainstream law degree (the equivalent of the New Zealand LLB) will have to undergo changes to accommodate the joint degree programme. As Dr Jones explains, there will be a cohort of students — whether they are doing the Indigenous law degree or not — who will benefit from the implementation of the new Indigenous law degree. UVic will be better positioned to teach mainstream law students about Indigenous law and traditions, meaning they will come away with better appreciations and understandings of indigenous legal traditions.

It is also important that judges and lawyers in New Zealand have the understanding that tikanga is a system of law based on principle and precedent. In New Zealand, courts are increasingly engaging with tikanga concepts.

Dr Jones says the ability to draw on another set of tools is something of use to all law students, and it would be really valuable to move towards something like that here in Aotearoa.

This reporter sat down with Dr Jones to discuss whether New Zealand could benefit from the introduction of a similar programme.

“We’ve got a lot to learn from [UVic’s] experience… we are moving in a direction where we might be able to do something like this.”

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NEWS Anytime Library:

Laurinda Thomas, a Libraries and Community Spaces Team Leader, said the Anytime Library has been used by around 40 people since it was installed in February.

Chris Pigott, another Libraries and Community Spaces Team Leader, has explained the installations as an attempt on the behalf of the City Library to “remain relevant”.

“A library is more than a building full of books. We are part of a dynamic modern environment that calls for adaptation with technology and increased accessibility.”

Thomas said that the Anytime Library aims to provide material complementary to that found in the Victoria University Library, offering texts on topics relevant to students such as budgeting, cooking, health, and adjusting to life as a student.

The Anytime Library was installed as a collaboration between Victoria University of Wellington and Wellington City Libraries, and is the first of its kind in New Zealand. A digital e-kiosk has also been installed at Wellington International Airport, providing access to over 40,000 eBooks and eAudio titles from the City Library’s digital database.

PEOPLE DO KNOW THINGS

BY SASHA BEATTIE

Salient would like to offer a retraction of the piece titled “Anytime Library: Does Anyone Know Anything?” printed last Monday 12 March. It has since been discovered that someone does, in fact, know something.

In an email, Victoria University Communications told Salient “it would be great if [you] had asked us about the Anytime Library – or done a basic check on the library section of the University website...[it’s r]eally not that hard to find info about it if [you] had looked”. Fair play.

According to the library section of the Victoria University website, the Anytime Library - the library book lending machine located in the Easterfield lobby - has over 300 titles, “which you can borrow and then return using the return slot”. You must have a Wellington City Libraries’ card to utilise the machine.

Ex-Spy Poisoned

"We will consider a full range of measures which might include things like sanctions, expelling diplomats, et cetera. But those will be discussed further by the British Government and British Parliament before any decisions are made."

On Tuesday, UK time, this deadline passed with no official Russian response and as of 15 March the British government has decided to expel 23 Russian Diplomats.

May went on to say that the two most likely explanations are either that this was a state sponsored attack on Britain by Russia, or that Russia has lost control of some of its Chemical Weapons stockpile.

The British Home Secretary Amber Rudd has chaired a meeting of COBRA (the emergency committee for the UK government) to analyse the situation, and specialist military units have been deployed to Salisbury to assist in the investigation.

Britain's allies have also offered words of support with then-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson saying the United States stands in solidarity with the UK, and French President Emmanuel Macron echoing similar sentiments.

Nikki Haley, US Ambassador to the United Nations, said on Wednesday 13 March that the United States believes Russia is responsible for the attack, and recommended the U.N. Security Council to take action.

New Zealand media were invited to the British Embassy in Wellington on Tuesday 13 March, where they were informed that Britain had made overtures to the New Zealand Government in supporting its possible reprisals against Moscow.

Winston Peters, Minister for Foreign Affairs and Trade, has released a statement saying “We share and support the concerns expressed by other nations about such use of chemical weapons.

The use of chemical weapons as a tool of war, or for murder or assassination is totally repugnant, and this incident is an affront to global rules and norms. As New Zealand has stated on many occasions, we are deeply disturbed at any use of chemical substances banned by the Chemical Weapons Convention”.

As Robert Service of the Hoover Institution points out in a piece for The Spectator, this could set a very dangerous precedent in terms of international diplomacy. The alleged assassination has the capacity to destroy any trust between the Russian and British states relating to spy swaps or similar agreements, and equally, it would also mark the families of these people as potential targets.

BY CALUM STEELE On the morning of Sunday 4 March 2018, ex-spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia were found collapsed on a park bench in Salisbury, England. The two were found to have been poisoned with a chemical nerve agent, and are currently in critical condition in a local hospital.

Sergeant Nick Bailey of Salisbury Police Force is thought to have been affected by the same substance as the Skripals, and also remains in hospital care.

A Russian intelligence officer by trade, Mr Skripal was found guilty in 2004 of being a double agent and spying for British intelligence. He was subsequently jailed in Russia for high treason before being exchanged in a spy swap for the Russian sleeper agent "Anna Chapman" in 2010.

British Prime Minister Theresa May told the House of Commons that the agent used was one of the so called "Novichok" nerve agents, a group of exceptionally toxic substances developed by the USSR. They are rumoured to be several times more lethal than the nerve agent "VX" that was used to assassinate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un’s half-brother in Kuala Lumpur in 2017.

Whilst Britain has so far refrained from explicitly pointing the finger at Russia, the case does have suspiciously similar characteristics to the assassination of Russian dissident Alexander Litvinenko, who was poisoned with the extremely rare element Polonium210 in 2006, likely on the orders of the Russian Government according to a British judge presiding on the case.

The response from Westminster has been fairly measured, with Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson warning that if any evidence of Russian culpability in this event is discovered the UK would respond “robustly”. He went on to say that “whilst I am not pointing fingers at this stage … Russia is a malign and disruptive force”. This was followed up with the threat that the British football delegation could boycott the 2018 FIFA World Cup being held in Russia.

On Monday 12 March Prime Minister May issued a rather blunt warning to Russian President Vladimir Putin, informing him he had 48 hours to come up with a credible reason why this was not the work of Russia or there would be repercussions.

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News

VUW to Offer Free Restorative Justice Course

VUWSA TO SELL VAN

BY LIAM POWELL

Victoria University is offering a new Massive Open Online Course (MOOC) on the topic of restorative justice.

The free online course ($49 USD if one wants a certificate), entitled Restorative Justice and Practice: Emergence of a Social Movement, is the third such course offered by Victoria in partnership with online education provider edX, under the banner of VictoriaX. Previous courses have looked at the cultural and physical significance of Antarctica and New Zealand’s islands respectively.

The course takes six weeks to complete, at a work rate of 2-5 hours per week, and is recommended for “justice professionals, educationists, social workers, community activists, conflict practitioners and policymakers,” or “anyone committed to a more just, compassionate and peaceful world”.

The course focuses on the fundamentals of restorative justice and its rise as a concept, especially in New Zealand. It also examines its broadening range of applications outside of criminal justice, particularly in education. Prominent New Zealand backers of restorative justice feature in the course, including Children’s Commissioner Judge Andrew Becroft and New Zealand Police Deputy Chief Executive Māori Wallace Haumaha.

The course is to be taught by Professor Chris Marshall and Tom Noakes-Duncan.

Registrations open on the 1 May 2018.

PEOPLE AGAINST PRISONS CANDLELIGHT VIGIL

BY NATHAN HOTTER

CW: Suicide Kaine Morrell took his own life in the early hours of 3 February 2018, while in Christchurch Men’s Prison.

A candlelight vigil was held on 8 March 2018 by the People Against Prisons Aotearoa (PAPA), to protest the epidemic of suicides in New Zealand prisons. New Zealand Corrections Department figures show that the suicide rate in prisons is approximately ten times the rate found in wider society.

There were four vigils held across the country on Thursday, in Christchurch, Dunedin, Auckland and Wellington. Around 20 people attended the Wellington vigil.

The focus of the PAPA protest was the At Risk Unit, which Kaine was held in for 12 days prior to his passing. PAPA argues that the At Risk Unit secludes prisoners who are mentally unwell, amounting to solitary confinement.

Neil Beales, the Chief Custodial Officer of Christchurch Prison, argues that Kaine was “not held in solitary confinement,” because he was able to mix with one other prisoner. The duration of this interaction however, is unknown. Dr Sharon Shalev compiled a United Nations report in 2016 that found the At Risk Unit was a form of solitary confinement.

A Question of Restraint, the report on the Optional Protocol to the Convention against Torture (OPCAT), states that New Zealand At Risk prisoners are “placed in isolation with limited interaction and therapeutic activities”. This report, written up by the New Zealand Chief Ombudsman, found a number of troubling cases in New Zealand prisons.

The report showed that Prisoner A spent 37 consecutive nights secured in a tie down bed at Auckland prison. He was held in this state for 16 hours a day, every day. Prison regulation requires that every time a prisoner is constrained in a tie down bed, approval must be granted. Approval was only sought for one of the 37 instances of restraint.

Similarly, Prisoner B was restrained for 13 hours after self harming and expressing suicidal thoughts. After being restrained no staff member entered Prisoner B’s cell for the full duration of the 13 hours. Not once was he given any water or other fluid.

It is difficult to ascertain whether Kaine’s stay in the At Risk Unit directly contributed to his suicide, but there is no doubt that the At Risk Units have a negative effect on the mental wellbeing of prisoners.

Kaine’s mother Vanessa said that “nothing will bring my baby back”, highlighting that suicide is irreversible, and every life is important.

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BY LOUISE LIN

VUWSA’s long legacy of questionable van ownership has, at long last, drawn to a close.

The existing van had a bunch of issues, including problems with the gearbox and clutch, and a cracked windscreen. The Proposal Discussion Document regarding the potential sale of the van notes that it is unsafe to drive, costs around $8000 in maintenance per year, and in general has “seen better days”.

The VUWSA Executive have decided to sell the van at Turners Auctions, since it is “buyer beware”. Turners has estimated that the van will sell for between $6000 and $9000.

Van use by clubs has declined in recent years. It has been hired out only eight times in 2017, and seven times in 2016.

In an unprecedented move, VUWSA has decided to replace the van, not with another van, but with a 8-seat people mover. A second-hand people mover is estimated to cost between $16,000 and $21,000, including the cost of installing safety equipment and printing the VUWSA logo on the side. The people mover will be cheaper, easier to drive, and meet 90% of the same needs as the van.

VUWSA is uncertain about when exactly they will purchase the new people mover, as they are waiting to find a good deal.

The 2007 VUWSA President spent exactly $22,222.22 (genuinely) on modifying the former VUWSA van, including fitting it out with a sound system, mag wheels, and window tinting. That would be $24,935.82 today, accounting for inflation. That particular van broke down just outside Ōtaki in 2010, during a field trip by the now-defunct Victoria Broadcasting Channel.

Purchasing a people mover means that VUWSA will no longer be associated with van ownership; perhaps VUWSA’s shameful past will be finally laid to rest.

News

TRUMP'S AME RICA The Firing of Rex Tillerson

BY TORI BRIGHT

O

n Tuesday 13 March 2018, the White House announced the dismissal of Rex Tillerson from his role as Secretary of State. After clashing over issues of foreign policy in Russia, North Korea and Iran, Trump announced via Twitter the departure of the nation's leading diplomat. Tillerson spoke to the press on Tuesday morning, stating “What is most important is to ensure an orderly and smooth transition during a time that the country continues to face significant policy and national security challenges”. He thanked Secretary of Defense, Jim Mattis, for their time spent working together in office, but notably declined to mention President Trump — with whom he shared a public feud after reportedly calling him a "moron" in July 2017, after the President had expressed a desire for an increase in the US’s nuclear arsenal.

The decision to oust Tillerson came within 24 hours of his comments on the attempted assassination of former Russian spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia on 4 March. The victims were found poisoned with a military-grade nerve agent in Salisbury, England. Tillerson stated Russia was “clearly behind the attacks,” after the poison was identified as being developed in the Soviet Union in the 1970s. He said that those responsible “must face appropriately serious consequences”. The official statement from the White House acknowledged the attack as "reckless, indiscriminate and irresponsible," but declined to name Russia as a culprit. In an address to the United Nations on 13 March, Nikki Haley, the US Ambassador, said that the United States believes Russia is responsible for the attack.

President Trump has announced that CIA Director Mike Pompeo is likely to take over Tillerson’s role, signifying a dramatic shift in foreign policy. Pompeo is known for his hawkish views, supporting a military approach to Iranian and North Korean conflicts, and being a vocal advocate for the torture of terror suspects. In an equally controversial nomination, the President has tapped Gina Haspel to head the CIA in Pompeo’s place. In 2002, Haspel oversaw a secret prison in Thailand that detained and

tortured two terrorist suspects, before destroying evidence of the operation in 2005. One of the men in custody was Abu Zubaydah; he was waterboarded 83 times within the space of a month, held in solitary confinement, and lost an eye during his time in CIA custody. He was unable to provide the CIA with any information on terrorist activities. For her involvement in this operation the American Civil Liberties Union described Haspel as being “up to her eyeballs in torture”. The nomination also has critics in the Senate, with Republican Senator John McCain referring to Haspel’s past as “one of the darkest chapters in American history”.

This change in makeup is not unusual for the Trump administration, but highly irregular in comparison to past presidencies. The DC based Brookings Institution has tracked White House turnover rates for more than three decades. They have found the rate of firings, resignations and reassignments amongst President Trump’s staff to be “unprecedented”. In the first year of their administrations, George W Bush and Barack Obama saw a turnover rate of 6% and 9% respectively. Comparatively, President Trump is looking at a 34% change within the same period. This latest move in the volatile administration has many critics amongst Congress and foreign diplomats. The switch from a moderate Tillerson to a political partisan Pompeo may have serious implications on diplomatic efforts moving forward, as more aggressive foreign policies are expected to be implemented.

Students March Against Sexual Assault

students, highlighting this issue by a public march”. He is eager to reduce barriers to reporting, and noted that this problem is not restricted to law firm internships, but is seen in many businesses.

Demands made at the march included the removal of Russell McVeagh from the Government panel, the reporting of sexual assault allegations to the Law Society, and for law firms to cut ties with perpetrators.

Speakers at the rally included VUWSA Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer Beth Paterson, VUWSA Acting Academic Vice President Isabella Lenihan-Ikin, Wellington City Councillor Fleur Fitzsimons, Associate Professor at the Victoria University School of Law Yvette Tinsley, and Partner at Dyhrberg Drayton Employment Law Steph Dyhrberg.

Nina Weir, a third year law student, said it’s “important that we say something”. She is excited about her future clerkship, since she believes the culture is being changed. “It’s gonna be a completely different sphere in a few years.” She is glad that VUWSA is responding. “We feel heard.”

Jess Trask, a fourth year law student, said she felt apprehensive about her impending clerkship. “The culture’s out there, it’s still an old boys’ club.” She said she would prefer to clerk at Russell McVeagh. “Odd as it sounds. Because they’ve been through the scandal already.”

Victoria University has cut ties with Russell McVeagh until the outcome of the external review and the firm’s response to it.

BY LOUISE LIN On Thursday 5 March 2018, students in Wellington marched from the Law School to outside the Russell McVeagh Wellington office to protest sexual harassment and violence in the workplace.

Around 250 people, dressed in black in solidarity with Thursdays in Black, attended. The march was organized by the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association, the Victoria University of Wellington Feminist Law Society, and the Victoria University of Wellington Law Students’ society (VUWLSS).

VUWSA said the allegations of sexual misconduct coming to light recently about Russell McVeagh, and the firm’s underwhelming response to the matter, have “forced students to act”. Allegations involved Victoria University students clerking at Russell McVeagh.

“Recent stories of unwelcome and unsafe sexualised behaviour towards interns and graduates in the professional services have left the student body unsettled and ready to challenge the toxic culture that seems to have thrived for too long.”

Chants included “Russell McVeagh, assaulting people’s not ok,” and “students, united, will never be divided”.

Vice Chancellor Grant Guilford said he was “very proud of our

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News

POLITICAL ROUND-UP Bridges 2020: National Announces New Lineup National Party leader Simon Bridges has released new party rankings. During a press conference on 12 March 2018, Bridges said that this caucus has the talent and expertise to hold the current Government to account for its first hundred days in office.

“It is a stronger mix of former ministers and senior MPs alongside emerging ones who have proven to me that they can listen to New Zealanders and develop policies for the 2020s.”

MPs who ran for the National leadership alongside Bridges have received promotions. Former Justice Minister Amy Adams has been appointed spokesperson for Finance, rising to number three on the list. Bridges said he is confident that Adams has the ability to generate plans for housing without the need for tax increases.

Women are well represented in National’s new line-up, with eight out of the 20 spokesperson positions being held by women. Labour has in the past severely criticised National for a lack of gender diversity. Bridges has pushed back against these criticisms in this reshuffle, with over a third of his shadow cabinet being women.

"The team I have announced today reflects the strength and talents of the women in our caucus."

Ardern Promises Additional Support for Pacific Islands Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern engaged in diplomatic talks with several Pacific Island nations between 4-9 March.

The objective of the New Zealand Mission was to engage in talks about the damage dones made by Cyclone Gita, and the role that New Zealand has in the Pacific Islands. Minister for Foreign Affairs and Trade, Winston Peters, said that this delegation was a way of upholding and recognising the responsibilities that New Zealand has to its citizens in the Islands.

He also voiced fears that foreign investment in the region has the possibility to hinder diplomatic relations with the small island nations.

Ardern revealed that diplomatic talks between Samoa, Tonga, the Cook Islands, and Niue progressed well, and that they will receive significant boosts in aid and social development expenditure.

Samoa will receive 9.5 million dollars for the rebuild after Cyclone Gita. In Tonga, the Mission discussed the nation’s debt to the Chinese Government.

Ngāti Rangi Settle Century Old Claims After almost 150 years, Central North Island iwi Ngāti Rangi have signed a settlement with the Crown, resolving neglected Treaty of Waitangi claims during a ceremony at Raketepauma Marae in the Ruapehu District.

In the redress, Minister for Treaty of Waitangi Negotiations Andrew Little delivered a Crown apology to Ngāti Rangi.

He officially recognised the Whangaehu River and stated that 17 million dollars will be paid to Ngāti Rangi to rectify the lack of opportunities for economic and commercial development for the iwi.

“Through this settlement the Crown aims to rebuild its relationship with Ngāti Rangi, and reinforce that it is based on mutual respect and honour.”

According to the Deed of Settlement of Historical Claims, the Crown exercised a great deal of disrespect towards Ngāti Rangi since the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi in 1840. Hundreds of hectares of land did not pass through the Native Land Court, and the Crown has never sought to identify the customary owners of the land or pay them compensation. Ngāti Rangi were excluded from having their say on the matter until the late 1980s.

- Thomas Campbell

THE PARTY LINE Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern recently announced that the Government will be sending around $20 million to Tonga and Samoa to aid their recovery in the wake of Cyclone Gita. Is this a good use of Government funds? What does New Zealand gain from supporting its Pacific neighbours?

VICLABOUR Why shouldn’t the idea of selflessness extend to our government? Jacinda Ardern and the Labour Party campaigned on the image of a more kind and compassionate government and that is what we are seeing in their actions. Instead of the scrutiny we should be praising how quickly aid was given.

Let’s not ignore the fact that we are seeing the consequences of our awful rates of pollution in the Pacific. If you want to argue that government aid should be compensation for previous acts, then surely this is enough of a reason. Providing financial aid is the least we can do.

So heck yes this is a good use of Government funds and we don’t need to gain anything from helping out our Pacific brothers and sisters.

Finally, the Young Nats need better inspiration for their memes.

VICNATS The National Party has a proud record of providing and supporting international aid. From 2012 to 2017 the National

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government spent over 3 billion dollars in foreign aid, 50% of which went to Pacific nations. The Young Nats strongly support our being a good global citizen and providing assistance to those in our own neighbourhood, and abroad. However, it’s important to emphasize that our foreign aid comes from New Zealand taxpayer dollars, and therefore we must ensure accountability and transparency when given, to anyone.

This ensures aid is spent inline with MFAT policy and investment priorities to create the biggest positive impact possible and truly reach those we are trying to support.

-Grahame Woods YOUNG GREENS As part of the Government’s delegation to the Pacific Island last week, Green Minister the Honourable James Shaw was present to observe the devastating impacts that climate change is having on Pacific Communities.

There is no doubt that the recent cyclones that have ravaged the Pacific are caused by climate change, through increased global temperatures both in the ocean and in the atmosphere.

Climate change is more than an environmental issue, it is almost exclusively affecting the most vulnerable communities at present, therefore it’s seen as a justice issue for the Greens as well. If we are to truly tackle climate change and the effects it’s having, we need to start with supporting the communities whose livelihoods are being washed away. Solving the greatest issue of our time will take collaboration with all, and the Pacific hold a wealth of knowledge that is crucial to limiting its effects.

Supporting Samoa and Tonga with $10m each, is the very least the government could do to support those who have lost everything. Providing aid to the Pacific is imperative to our global interests, tackling climate change and helping the most vulnerable.

He waka eke noa - a waka on which we all embark.

- Max Tweedie ACT ON CAMPUS We support the aid given to our neighbour nations. Cyclone Gita caused widespread destruction and it's good that we are in a position to help. In terms of aid New Zealand is the leading country in the south pacific, therefore aid should be focussed and directed into the south pacific. It is vital that we continue our close partnership with Tonga and Samoa as through it we gain trade and support from them when our country is in times of need.

- James Allan

*NEWS* EXACTLY 11% OF THIS IS FACTUAL

External Review of Young Labour Camp Announced

BY BILL BAILEY

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announces external review after allegations of forced labour at Young Labour Camp.

Sally Michaels, a 19-year-old member of the Labour party, said she was surprised when she saw she’d need to book a ticket to the Siberian wilderness for the camp “I was expecting to break up fewer rocks with a pickaxe, I guess,” Michaels said.

Attendees report briefly questioning the matching red striped “uniforms”, before passing it off as a team building initiative.

The external review comes after an internal review, which found the organisers at no fault due to the event clearly being promoted as a Labour Camp.

Complaints were also made about the quality of the food.

“Being from Invercargill, I was expecting a higher standard of gruel; barely any offal,” said Jeff Steward, who told Salient he “really enjoyed” building brick barracks with his bare hands for no apparent reason.

After details emerged about the Party’s literal interpretation of Labour Camp, sources tell Salient that James Keane, prolific Vic Deals poster, bought a ticket to the Young Green Summer Camp after he received no legitimate response to a post declaring a “need to suss”.

“It was a long way to go on the off chance of finding some green, but I had to take the risk. Wellington is dry as fuck.”

Salient cannot corroborate whether or not Keane was successful in his pursuit.

UPDATES ON KYLIE JENNER'S BABY The official Salient position on Kylie Jenner’s newborn baby, Stormi Webster, is that we do not give a single fuck. More updates to come as the story unfolds.

We were going to insert a picture of Kylie's spawn but honestly couldn't even be bothered to google her.

First Years Readjust Ambitions, from Psychologist to Life Coach

BY CHAD WHITE

There has been a 98% drop in the number of first year students majoring in Psychology after attending the first two lectures of Stats193.

A requirement for majoring in Psychology is the ability to analyse data and trends, but according to first-year resident at Te Puni and former Psychology major Harry Benson, that’s just “a bit much”.

“Yeah nah I didn’t really know what I wanted to do at uni so I just put down Psych, but Stats is fucked, I’m switching to Philosophy,” said Benson.

The Head of School for History, Philosophy, Political Science and International Relations has reported a massive influx of students from the Law and Architecture faculties this week.

Vic Books have reported making a “fucking killing” this year, selling PSYC121 texts to guileless first years in O-Week, then claiming the inability to process refunds due to “hackers shutting down the server and demanding a ransom in Bitcoin".

61% of those who dropped the major report having already bought the required text for Introduction to Psychology 1, priced at $142.99.

Benji Whyte, ex-Psychology major from Weir House, wasn’t phased by the wasted money. “Oh it’s not too bad, Mum said she’d pay me back.”

The 2% of first years that are persevering with Psychology, and so necessarily with Statistics, have been described by their former classmates as “absolute madmen”.

Wellington Experiences Fruit Burst Shortage after Clubs Week at Vic

BY SHANTI MATHIAS

Great grieving has commenced across Wellington as a Fruit Burst shortage has hit the capital. The dearth is widely attributed to "Clubs Week" at Victoria University of Wellington.

Pascall, owned by Mondelez International, distributes 500 kilograms of Fruit Bursts across the country each week, and is largely responsible for the number of students joining student associations during Clubs Week at Vic. “Yeah, I use the bait method to make people talk to me,” said Hoon Dara, leader of the niche Trotsky society. “I bought eight kilos. It’s a metaphor for capitalism, see—” This Salient reporter was not ready to hear about Fruit Bursts as a metaphor for capitalism, and abruptly ended the interview.

The week of 5 March 2018, Fruit Bursts were impossible to find in supermarkets, as they had been purchased in bulk by clubs at Vic. “It’s been a nightmare. People ringing me up, saying that their toddler won’t sleep

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without three banana Fruit Bursts before bed. I mean, that’s the worst flavour,” said a spokesperson from Pascall.

“I put three lime Fruit Bursts into my green smoothie each morning,” said a person who wished to be identified as Kleen E. Ting. “It’s fruit, so they’re sugarfree. But I’m a shadow of myself without them. It’s been the worst week of my life.”

The official Salient position on Fruit Bursts is that red, or ‘strawberry’ is the only flavour worth eating.

*NEWS*

Awkward Silences Deafening Hall Residents

BY VITA MOLYNEUX

Sunday mornings have become suspiciously quiet in halls across Wellington this week, as the uncomfortable run-ins with people you furiously fucked last night have become more regular.

Without the comfort of cheap alcohol coursing through their veins, hall residents have discovered that the floormate who licked their asshole last night is actually not that interesting when their tongue is back in their mouth.

Reports of awkward closed-lip smiles and double-steps to avoid last night’s lover in the hallway have almost tripled since last year, perhaps due to the fact that tuition is now free, and love feels freer still.

The cold reality of waking up naked next to a generous 3/10 in a room that smells like bourbon and B.O is slowly starting to settle in, and the silence has been reported as “deeply uncomfortable” by one resident, who given the massive hickeys on their neck, is right to not want to be identified.

The silence has been welcomed by some residents, who just want to be hungover and vomit up their mistakes in peace.

Concern has been raised however, by another resident who was quoted saying “the last thing I want on a Sunday morning when I’ve disgraced myself the night before is to be left in silence with my thoughts. I’d rather hear round two of someone else’s fuck-fest than be forced to confront the fact that I flashed my ballsack to a bouncer last night”.

It seems the silence has become a deeply polarising aspect of hall life, and whether or not it will continue seems to be up to the pulling capacities of the more successful residents.

It seems that residents are not asking for raucous conversation in the early hours, but if you’re going to fuck someone so violently that your neighbours can hear it, the least you can do is say hello when you inevitably see them the following day.

Hunter Lounge Raking in Business as Reality Sets In

BY VITA MOLYNEUX

As the second week of lectures drew to a close, Victoria University’s own Hunter Lounge has nearly tripled their profits.

Due to the reality of assignments, tutorials, and two-hour long lectures truly hitting home, the number of students using their course-related costs to get absolutely shit wrecked at Hunter has increased significantly.

Compared to the first week of classes, where most students were still labouring under the impression that this year would be different, it seems that last week people finally realised that this year will present the same shit in a different toilet, and nobody is finding the concept particularly appealing.

The temptation of a $10 jug of New Zealand’s weakest beer and even cheaper pizzas has the venue packed to the rafters.

“Look, if it’s between going to my twohour 300lvl Pols lecture that’s based around ‘discussing with the person next to you,’ and getting rekt on beer that tastes like watered down urine, the choice is obvious,” said fifth year Political Science major Jade Greyton.

Accompanied by the fact that you can smoke as many darts as you desire on the balcony (provided Campus Care don’t turn up to piss on the parade), many students are flocking to the venue to drown their sorrows and pretend they’ll definitely 100% attend their lectures next week.

From last week’s inundation of punters alone, it’s easy to see that the Hunter Lounge is a great alternative to getting the education you paid for.

Or haven’t paid for, if you’re first year.

Not that anyone is bitter about that. They’re not. It’s fine. Seriously. It’s FINE.

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15 THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN "DISCUSS WITH THE PERSON NEXT TO ME" IN A LECTURE

BY MITA VOLYNEUX & BASHA SEATTIE 1.

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Tattoo the entire National Party constitution onto my back Shit in my hands, then clap Scroll back through my ex-boyfriend’s Instagram feed and like a post from Corfu ‘06 Funnel two boxes of discounted goon into my ass Remove each and every one of my own toenails with rusty pliers Upload my own nudes to 4chan Proposition my boyfriend’s parents for a threesome Reenact 2 girls 1 cup (solo) Exclusively refer to my lecturer as “Daddy” for the duration of the semester Perform a 72hr one-woman-show of Shakespeare’s works in its entirety Write for Salient without a pseudonym Rail a fuck-tonne of speed then attend a meditation class Drink a litre of laxatives then initiate anal with an anonymous Tinder hook up Listen to three hours of first-year spoken-word poetry Get fingered by by that guy wearing a fedora in my CompSci class that clearly hasn’t cut his fingernails since ‘03

OPINION SPORT

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t’s been a little over a week since an unnamed French pro 14 team offered Beauden Barrett a $3.4 million a year deal, in what would be the most lucrative rugby contract in the sport’s history.

clubs can, but Barrett is rugby royalty here in New Zealand.

He is loved by the public and he knows that if he takes the offer, thousands of aspiring rugby players and fans alike will be devastated by his departure.

So it’s been a little over a week since Barrett and fiancée Hannah Laity have had the tough decision looming over their heads. Though Barrett showed no signs of distraction in an accurate and relentlessly attacking performance in his side’s 29-19 victory over New Zealand conference rivals and title favourites, the Crusaders, last weekend.

2. Not playing second fiddle Beauden Barrett was barely 20 years old when the All Blacks won the World Cup here in 2011, and although he debuted in 2012, it wasn’t until until the following year in 2013, when he managed to establish himself as a promising player, and a threat off the bench. He spent much of this time coming into a utility role with 10-15 minutes to go, due to the ageless Dan Carter who played right up to and through the 2015 Rugby World Cup. Barrett is almost guaranteed the same title as Carter had at the previous World Cup, and next year in Tokyo it will be Barrett’s turn to take the reins, and guide the All Blacks to a third consecutive win.

While $3.4 million a season is something that the small town, south-Taranaki-straight-out-of-Pungarehu boy couldn’t have imagined in his wildest dreams, some critics say that an offer of this magnitude would be very hard to turn down. Especially in today’s fast and physical game, where a poorly timed tackle could end a promising career in seconds.

3. 30 is the new 20 Gone are the days of coaches selecting teams that are filled with spotty faced 20 year olds fresh off a successful U20 campaign sporting egos bigger than the stadiums they’re playing in. History shows that in order to win a World Cup, you’ll need a team filled with the right balance of athleticism, clever tacticians, and of course experience.

There is no substitute for experience, and it certainly pays dividends as the competition gets down to the wire.

Beauden Barrett will only be 28 after next year’s World Cup, meaning he will still be in his prime at 32 when the competition moves to France in 2023. If you think 32 is too old for a first class test first-five — Dan Carter was 33 when he won the World Cup in 2015, not to mention the IRB player of the year that same year.

In saying this, I believe Barrett’s decision will not be an easy one, and so here are three reasons why Barrett should not take the offer, following the 2019 Rugby World Cup. 1. He’s a crowd favourite.

I’ve gone to watch Barrett play several times and he never fails to set the stadium alight. I’d only managed to sit down in my seat momentarily last weekend before I was promptly back on my feet, as the crowd erupted when Barrett was first out of the tunnel,to mark his 100th game for the boys in yellow. The simple fact of the matter is that Beauden Barrett puts people in the stands, his electrifying pace and ability to turn a static ball into an attack fills stadium seats across the country. The NZRU may not be able to offer him the money that privately owned French

Kellen Farmer 12

LETTERS Hi Salient, I feel the need to complain at length about the crossword this week, but I will limit myself to a few important points that I feel must be addressed.

1. Halley's comet, my good friend who I can see once every 75 years, doesn't fit within the crossword.

2. Neither does Apollo, that good rocket that took us to the moon.

3. The first space shuttle to launch was the STS-1, or Space Transportation System-1.

The first orbiter was the Columbia. This is an important distinction.

4. If you're going to reject somebody from the position of Chief Sub Editor for only having 99% of their grammar correct, please make sure the Chief Sub Editor you do choose does their job. "Elon Mysk," "Third planet for the sun," "...are names after."

You may have guessed this letter was an exercise in catharsis. Feel free to print this out and burn it for your own cathartic release.

Sincerely, A frustrated enthusiast Dear Salient, As a visitor to VUW, I was pleased to see Sasha Beattie’s column “Cutting The Shit Chat” continuing the mental health conversation.

Psychiatric medicine is always evolving. GP’s are not necessarily the best informed and medication is not the only, or right, answer for everyone. If you are uncertain about your medical care, ask to see a specialist or ask for a second opinion. Then ask for a third opinion!

Anxiety and depression are also not necessarily diagnoses, but can be potential symptoms of various autoimmune diseases.

Talk to your friends, your family, and take care of each other.

Kia kaha Mary

To whom it may concern, What the fuck are you doing? Do you only print letters from sycophants? Or are you writing them all yourself ?

The A4 page size isn't an improvement, and I don't know who the fuck you decided to use as a printing service, but I've seen year 10 projects that look better in hand than this. Seen far better design from them as well.

Everything you've written so far has been so fucking boring and surface level. There's absolutely no substance behind anything you've deemed fit for consumption. If I wanted to read the fucking wikipedia article on a podcast, I'd just load up fucking wikipedia.

Does the editor actually do any editorial work at all, or are spelling and grammatical errors becoming a trend now, because it sure as hell doesn't look like anyone has actually read any of the pieces being printed for longer than 2 seconds.

Finally, where the fuck are my crosswords you entitled piece of shit, draw yourself as a cat in your own fucking books, don't show that shit to me.

StepUp2DaStreets next time you wanna play games.

DISGRUNTLED Kia ora Salient!

Cheers for being fucking great so far.

11/10, big improvement on last year.

I have never written to the editor of anything before, so not entirely sure what else to say apart from how much I love reading a copy first thing monday morning.

The articles are interesting and a good read and Ruby's illustrations are amazing.

Keep up the mighty fine work <3 Yours sincerely, A very old third year

LETTER OF THE WEEK Dear Louise, I have been a long time reader of this wonderful uni mag. Of late, I have noticed one alarming ommision in your literature. To be honest Louise, I am a little disappointed and a lot outraged and the lack of a crossword in the new Salient.

Frankly, it was the sole reason I opened it in the first place. The articles have always been a nice little garnish to the juicy, wholesome steak that is the crossword.

I genuinely fail to see the need for two sudoku’s, a game that no person in history has ever succesfully enjoyed unlike a good old fashioned crossword which for generations has been loved by all.

The crossword is the sugar to my tea, the cigarette to my friday afternoon beer, the Grant Morris to Laws 121. Salient just is not the same without it.

Kind regards, Benjamin Nel Send us letters to editor@salient.org. nz otherwise we are just over here playing with ourselves. Your feedback and opinions are valid (maybe).

NOTICES CAREERS AND EMPLOYMENT GRADUATE RECRUITMENT EVENTS! Workshops: Video interviewing on PreviewMe (Law), Applying for Jobs Online, CV Basics, Interview Preparation, Preparing for Psychometric Tests & Assessment Centres, Preparing a Cover Letter.

Employers coming on campus: The Treasury, Simpson Grierson, Go Kiwi Go, NZDF, Google, Bell Gully.

Spaces limited! Book on CareerHub now!

GO CLUB Go (also know as Baduk or Weiqi) is a board game that's thousands of years old. The rules take just minutes to learn but the game is very complex (more so than Chess). The Victoria Go Club aims to provide everyone with a space to play and is there to support beginners learning the game for the first time. If you want to join up, or are just curious about the game, you can catch us on Facebook or in CO350 every Tuesday from 5.30pm-late.

VictoriaGoClub@gmail.com facebook.com/VicGoClub/

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VUWSA BY-ELECTIONS I know that hardly anyone gives a fuck about University politics, but it’s important. Vote.

It’s the by-elections for your Education Vice-President Wednesday 21 March 12pm.

Here’s some quick profiles of your candidates: Brahmasari Zakaria 2nd year Psychology and Law, minoring in Philosophy.

Age 26. From Bali, lived in Wellington since age 17.

Character “I like food, sleeping, walking around, and spending money.”

“My age? I’m the oldest one here,” *nervous giggles* “I think I’m… 26.”

“Is this gonna be on media? Uh-oh.”

Policies “I want to improve student experience. First year was hell for me, I felt very alone and received no help. I want to let students know what services are being offered.”

Get lecturers more involved in the student experience. “In my psyc class, I couldn’t take notes because my lecturer talked really fast.”

Shiraz Baksh 1st year Commerce. Age 19. From Wellington, born in India Character “Is it gonna be a full on election?”

“The role we’re all going for — what does he do?”

“I originally thought this role was for Vic Plus Points.”

“I thought education was of no value… [but] I went through a life changing experience and now I see the value of education.”

Policies More training for class reps (“All I got was a booklet and not everyone reads booklets”).

Lecturers could go to Student Support sessions.

Clearer instructions so freshers don’t get lost.

Zane Berghius 3rd year Music Student. Age 20. From Taupō. VUWSA forgot about him so he came to the Salient office last minute.

Character "I like to come up with taglines, so I thought for this campaign, 'profressional'. Putting the fresh back in the profesh."

"My mother was a teacher, which opened me up to different levels of understanding of education."

"I'm aware that I"m coming into a group of people who have worked closely together" "I have a malleable approach, I'm used to dealing with people from diverse backgrounds."

"Not just another Law student"

Was very patient with Salient's shoddy work practices.

Policies Wants cohesive systems, and all staff and students to have understanding of policy.

Lars Thompson 5th year Law, Politics, and Criminology. Age 22. Auckland.

Currently the Rostra (that’s the Polsoc magazine) editor.

Character Smirked at me with the “sharing an in-joke” look when I was grilling Shiraz.

Corrected Joseph (Association Secretary) about the election date.

Gave a detailed explanation when Shiraz asked what exactly this job involves.

Owns a ghillie suit from when he used to have more spare cash.

Policies Shed light on the uni’s internal operations. Sees it as an issue that there are only one or two student reps on each board.

More publicity on what our faculty delegates get up to, e.g. last year there wasn’t much exposure on the cuts to the Languages departments.

More transparency, and consistency, between faculties on grade result wait times.

Andrew Lee 3rd year Politics and International Relations, minor in Media Studies. Age 20. Auckland and England.

Character Didn’t make many unsolicited comments.

Likes NBA basketball an “unreasonable amount”.

He wants to get involved in VUWSA because as a student, he’s felt, not like he didn’t have a voice exactly, but not exactly empowered, either.

Policies Empowering students so they don’t feel “below” staff.

“We’re partners with staff.”

Empowering class reps to have a more active role.

Encourage class reps to actively seek out problems, and contact class reps bi-weekly during semester.

Easier access to grade averages.

Access all lectures online.

48 hour no questions asked extensions available for all courses. Currently it’s available for some courses but not others.

Rhianna Morar Didn’t come to the meeting because she had something else on. Isn’t available for a phone interview because she’s busy marching to protest against rape culture in law firms. Said she’d send in an email statement but didn't. I want to like her but honestly I’ve got nothing.

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This year Vic students are using their style to send a message. Aesthetics are individual, especially in hipster Welly, but this year, with the #metoo movement gaining global support, aesthetics are about more than just your style preference. This year, fashion is getting political.

Almost all of us own black clothing – it’s a reliable idual, wardrobe staple. This year, we ask that you save those sthetics are indiv bal e glo .A aining essagea black items in your wardrobe for Thursdays tomsend is ment g nd a e v se o sh m to fa ion metoo #assault eir style is year, th e h T th g . message. This year weaare stamping out sexual n e h si c it n re u ar, w prefere this ye students r style at and harassment This year, ar Vic on our lly, but e ask th just youmore than Wecampus. n r a This ye e th st year, w ip h is ore h m ar T in e t . y u y le o ll ab support to be visible. robe stap This ever before, your especia wehneed cs are ssage. le ward d a me than aest eti b n a , re li se rt o o re m to p p opshop-loving ys But assuus Wellingtonians fashion – it’s a know, l. is year, Thursda clothing politica pus. Th be for lack interesting. etting aesthetics nb ardro our cam w w n o is fun gand are There is scope r o s u t u o n f y e ing. ll o ms in rassm interest lmost a lack ite and ha etics are h to still Abe sayourself So . st lient those b whilexujoining assault this movement. e le a l e a S a v ib is you eek on fun and to be v g out se pinSalient shion is to So from this w am support fa from this week on is working with VUWSA st r , u w re o o a y n t. k we e need ovemen tonians it. efore, w in vtheir g this m Welling black. display eour t to hab black. ver bstudents -lo ing best ile joinin mitmen h p eir best o w th sh lf e p in o rs all com ts s u n u o sm e y s d a is e u t b Don’t underestimate by th Bu ill impactlayyou our stcan have to stthe making p is scope ave by A to dis to habit.

Theresmall u can h Stand making this commitment with VUWS . o k h y c it t la c w B a g p ys in workin te the im hursda stimaThursdays ur TBlack. survivors is– spend your re yoin ’t unde spend

a’s i Tauir s Ngā marise ence d m fi su n o k c ee ying s and sl is displa de own Stylish Marlon rk – Ja e o il h w W to k. Be es o th lo Jade. lo k c e All-Blac r loung ery classy to wea ress ev ith her w to imp ss m o re d d n the ro a e d d by Ja inspire k. in Blac y a d Thurs

Don ivors – ith surv Stand w

Ella keeps Th ursdays in Bl ack casual wi reliable basic th pieces. This lo ok shows ho easy it is to ad w apt your ward robe to Thursd in Black. Yo ays ur basic piec es look sick, you’re stand and ing on the sid e of our fello students who w have been vic timised by se assault and ha xual rassment in ou r community.

Marlon said to write ‘tings ’ to describe appearance, his and then didn ’t respond to emails – so he my re we are.

This year, Mar lon is trying to give you inspo to let your 90 ’s athleisure sty le shine. Comf is key to Thur ort sdays in Blac k, as is confide and Marlon nce, exemplifies bo th in this lo Take a hint fro ok. m the Pres – wear Black ne Thursday. xt

Interior – Industrial Soviet Beerhall – Night It was late November and cold as hell when I stumbled into the Zhiguli Beer Hall.

I was in Moscow, about to take the trans-Mongolian rail line to Beijing, and after finding someone in my hostel who could speak English, had decided to go out for a beer. My companion was a potbellied Sri Lankan man in his late 30s called Indika, who was in Russia to find love, and spent every waking moment on his phone Facetiming anyone who would answer his calls.

How he planned to find love without speaking a word of Russian, I forgot to ask. The beer hall itself was an old stolovaya (cafeteria), clad in long communal benches and grim interior décor that harkened back to the years of the Siberian gulag. Most of the patrons’ attention was focused on TV screens showing a local soccer match, but no one was much interested in the outcome; it was just better than looking at the walls.

After we got a couple of steins the size of my head,

Indika got up to bother the barman for the wifi password so he could continue Facetiming. I turned and noticed at the end of our long table, the cragged grimacing face of some sinewy old Russian, glaring at me with all the malice he could summon. He was flanked on both sides by compatriots mirroring his distasteful look: one was a skinny guy with a mean face, the other a titanic beast of a man whose jowls wobbled with an anger barely contained. Indika came back to the table, loudly showing his cousin back in Sri Lanka the bar he was in and drawing much attention to us in the process. I tried to get him to calm down and talk about the soccer that was on TV, but he wasn’t interested. Instead he looked straight down at the Russians glaring at us from the end of the table, pointed at them, and said to me, “Hey Danny, those guys are looking at us!” Through gritted teeth I said, “I know, you fool, stop pointing at them”.

It was too late; the sharks had smelt blood.

16

This Aint't a Scene it's a Goddamned Arm Wrestle The cragged-faced man got up from his seat and drunkenly sauntered over to us. I desperately tried to finish my beer but these steins were huge. The Russian slammed his hands down onto the table with a force that rattled every bottle in the bar, screaming spittleinflected into my face, “SPEAK RUSSIAN!”

slamming my hand down onto the table, hard. This would have been bad enough, but Valeriy found the whole affair so hilarious that he stood up, called the whole of the Zhiguli Beer Hall’s attention to my plight, and when they turned around and looked at us he grabbed my hand and we recommenced the whole brutal charade.

At this signal his cronies slid down the table with their beers and sidled up to us, too close for comfort. The Russians now surrounded us from all sides. The skinny man leaned his mean face close to mine and started talking quietly in Russian. I threw up my hands in confusion, and he repeated his words, this time with a sinister force behind them.

This tickled the onlookers mightily. Their laughter filled my ears as Valeriy, after much clowning, easily bested me. I looked to Indika for help, but he was Facetiming a distant uncle and paid no heed to my plight.

Valeriy’s eyes grew cold, and he could see that I was completely in his grasp. The man’s face was a canvas of pleasure, reaped from my pain and humiliation. He did not tire of the sport for hours, by the end of which I was a husk of my former self.

Russian hospitality can do that to a man.

Indika, oblivious to the danger, took countless selfies.

Now, in preparation for the trip, I had spent some time learning a few key phrases, and it was this stilted phrase-book Russian that I threw out at random to Later that night, lying on the sagging bunk of my try and remedy the situation. But the man who had cheap Moscow hostel, I sweated in fury and rage at screamed in our faces was the fat-faced Valeriy, and uncharmed by my flailing I would return to the Zhiguli Beer swore that when I returned pidgin Russian. He leaned Hall and show that meatheaded to Novay Zealandia I in and spits out, in English, Russian and his laughing cronies just would train to become “Where – are – you – the best goddamned arm what kind of hell is unleashed when wrestler that he had ever from?” “Новая Зеландия” (New you damage the tender masculinity encountered. I would return Zealand). to the Zhiguli Beer Hall of a New Zealand male. and show that meatheaded The man’s face froze and he said, “Novay Zealandia… Russian and his laughing cronies just what kind of hell I LOVE NOVAY ZEALANDIA!” His initial hostility was is unleashed when you damage the tender masculinity buried beneath a sea of alcohol and black bread, as I of a New Zealand male. was bombarded with questions about every Russian’s favourite country.

Interior – Present-day Wellington – Day The exchange would have continued to be a pleasant one, if the mammoth sized jowl-wobbling Russian, whose name turned out to be Valeriy, hadn’t gotten it into his head that he had to contest my New Zealand manhood in an arm wrestling match. I knew I was going to lose, but in the interest of respecting foreign customs (and not wanting to anger a behemoth 8 steins deep) I agreed.

It turns out that Arm Wrestling is a lot more complex than I first gave it credit for. I had originally assumed that there was nothing more to it than two arms, bulging, throbbing, vibrating, veins popping out of places they shouldn’t even be, red hot tension moving from the wrist outward along the arm up the neck, colouring both competitors’ faces, and coating them in a film of sweat.

A space was cleared on the table and we locked arms.

Boiled down to the relatively simple equation of: [(arm Y<arm Z)+flatsurface]+(force x tension x time) = 1 winner (arm Z)

Valeriy had the cruelty to not just finish me off straight away. His arm locked in place on the table and he laughed as I squirmed and flailed about, trying to shift the Christmas ham attached to his body down to the table.

But I was very wrong. There is a lot more to it than that.

The complexity that is Arm Wrestling is apparent within its tricky history. An attempt to untangle this is seen on the New Zealand Arm Wrestling League’s website. Arm Wrestling is an ancient sport, the first contest to be commemorated with a painting, on an

Then out of nowhere I felt Valeriy’s arm begin to give, and like a damned fool my heart filled with glee at my imminent success. But it was all a ruse. The conniving bastard had fooled me good, and finished me off by 17

This Aint't a Scene it's a Goddamned Arm Wrestle Egyptian tomb (this fact attributed to the Ultimate Arm Wrestling League is so flimsy and unsupported a thesis that even Google turns up nothing to support it). The fantastical origin story has the sport somehow travelling from Ancient Egypt to the pre-Columbus Americas, and from there to the European taverns of the early 19th century. But the first recorded Arm Wrestling competition was held in California, in 1952.

tension bound to arise when males sweat together in close proximity. The violent rhetoric did nothing to deter my enthusiasm, as I was intent on gaining the skills to bring low my Russian nemesis, Valeriy.

My enthusiasm for the sport did not make up for the blatant difference in strength. Because my inexperience and relative weakness caused a safety concern for Max and Sarkez, I was mostly delegated to saying “ready, go!” to signal the beginning of a match. I took to my position of glorified human starting gun with pride, but soon noticed an issue causing problems for the wrestlers. I noticed that Max was bursting forth at full strength at “ready”, while Sarkez waited patiently for the “go”. Realising that this gave Max an unfair advantage I asked whether I was meant to be saying “ready, go!”, or “ready… go!”? This threw a spanner of confusion in the works and led to about 5 minutes discussion on the pros and cons of both options. After much ado, no clear decision was reached, and I was free to pace the starting call at my discretion.

You with me?

Well, at this point, even I wasn’t with me. Thoroughly confused but not about to give up, I decided to broaden my knowledge by watching the 1987 movie Over the Top, starring Sylvester Stallone as amiable long haul truck driver Lincoln Hawk, who attempts to win back the love of his son by arm wrestling various meatheads who get in his way. The film features many ridiculous moments, including but not limited to, Stallone letting his 10-year-old son drive his 18-wheeler big rig, and Stallone talking. As the lights came up, I found myself even more in the dark about Arm Wrestling, and sought the illumination of the Wellington Arm Wrestling Club.

The moment finally came for me step up to the table and show them what I could do. I locked arms with Max, whose huge hands covered The fire was strength. mine and then some, biceps The club is in its early days. A threatening to burst through his The strength to forgive. boast of seven members in the shirt. I realised that I was at a severe Facebook group turns out in reality to be two guys strength disadvantage, but sought to make up for this in their lounge, with my addition making three. The with strong willpower. To spurn on this willpower two guys in question would not have looked out of I summoned an image from my memory of Valeriy, place in the Stallone movie I had just watched. They complete with cheeks ruddy with mercilessness, jowls were packing serious heat in the guns department trembling in aggression, and that black-holed smile of (translation: they had big arms), and wore shirts tight joy at my misery. At my recollections I felt at once enough for the cotton to strain along the bicep. They a fire within me begin to burn. This heat began in introduced themselves as Max and Sarkez, and to their my chest and worked itself outward to where it was credit hardly blinked at my skinny untoned arms that needed in my arms. have never seen a gym in their life. I was led into the training grounds, which was where the Arm Wrestling The fire was strength. table stood in the centre of Max’s apartment, but not The strength to forgive. before taking my shoes off.

Because at that moment I realised that no good could The setting of the Arm Wrestling table was in close come of this vengeance tale. The anger I harboured proximity to the kitchen, where Max’s female partner towards Valeriy was more a detriment to my soul than pottered around making pasta, a clever motivational to his. I had wasted so much of my time and energy strategy no doubt designed to raise the testosterone seeking revenge on this Russian I hardly knew, and for levels of the competing males. what? At that instance I resolved to walk the path of violence no longer. I released my grip on Max’s hand As I was new, I was instructed to watch as Max and and walked away from the table. He was probably Sarkez powdered their hands with chalk and gripped relieved because I would have totally beaten him had hands over the table, looking into each other’s eyes I not realised that you can solve more issues with love and rocking back and forth with such vigour that I and forgiveness than with Arm Wrestling. couldn’t tell if they were wrestling or warming up. As they ran me through the basics, I noticed a violent If you are interested in Arm Wrestling, see NZ rhetoric attached to the different moves: curling the Armwrestling on FB for more information. opponent’s hand was called "breaking the wrist", I probably won’t see you there. and changing the angle of pressure was "snapping the fingers". This was possibly a cover for the sexual 19

At one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman...

ou How y doin'?

Problematic Favourites I decided to rewatch all 10 seasons of Friends recently, just for the heck of it. I was trying to knit three large and complicated teddy bears for my three tiny and uncomplicated new nieces, and I needed something to play in the background to soothe me, so I didn't end up rage quitting and throwing needles and wool out the window. Friends fit the bill. Romance, kooky hijinks, Chandler can-I-BE-any-more-sarcastic Bing — oh yes, good times.

hotness, and Lily throwing a fit when Barney didn't find her hot while pregnant. But it's okay, because she's going to be va-va-voom when she starts breastfeeding!

Barney Stinson was easily the breakaway star of the show — a notorious womaniser, with a decent heart and a vulnerable side, à la Joey. But unlike Joey, what Barney was doing in order to sleep with women was ethically questionable. Rape by deception, where one party lies, tricks, or cheats their way into sex, is a crime in many places in the world. Although there have been movements by the legal community to make it so, as of this moment, this is not a recognised crime in New York. Barney would have been legally safe from vengeful beauties suddenly realising that he is not, in fact, first man on the moon Neil Armstrong.* But he is definitely not morally sound.

But even though I was distracted, tangled up in yards of bright pink yarn, and accidentally stabbing myself with a tapestry needle every five minutes, it didn't take long for me to notice that something, this time, was different.

Friends is a TV show that is often praised as standing the test of time. Unfortunately, however, as of 2018, Time's Up. For the first time in my life, Joey and the gang made me sincerely uncomfortable with their sexism, racism, homophobia, fat-shaming, and oddly limiting notions of masculinity.

Many people believe complaints similar to mine to be a product of the "Millennial PC Special Snowflake Brigade", a band of crybaby wafflers, narcissistically demanding that the whole world turn into their triggerwarning filled safe space. But please, people, can someone explain to me why we're endorsing criminal behaviour with laugh tracks and "the bang song"**?

No, no, I get it. It's a joke, right? Consistently hitting on the woman married to your best friend, even though she really isn't interested, and keeps batting you away — it's funny! Constant To make matters even But please, people, can someone more complicated, there's sexualisation of every woman that crosses your explain to me why we're endorsing also the question of the path, including your mates’ criminal behaviour with laugh tracks people behind the media mothers and your closest we consume. The universal and "the bang song"**? female friends — hilarious! condemnation of Harvey Hiring an unqualified younger man to be your assistant Weinstein opened what feels like floodgates, and because you want to date him — brilliant punchline! the torrent of sexual assault accusations haven't let Firing a male nanny because he's too sensitive, and up since. Matt Lauer, Aziz Ansari, Louis CK, Dustin therefore not “masculine” — what a hoot! Never Hoffman, Ed Westwick, even Christ Savino, creator letting your friend forget that she used to be fat, as if of my favourite TV Show Loud House (I'm a nanny, she should be ashamed — you got me! don't judge me!), have all been accused, with varying results. Some, like Westwick, who staunchly denies The problem is, I'm just not laughing anymore. Over all allegations, have been replaced by other actors the past year, we seem to have gone through a before their shows are released, or their characters cultural shift that started with Hollywood and has now have been written out, like in the case of Kevin permeated most of society — we no longer accept Spacey. Others, like Gary Oldman, accused by his discriminatory treatment as the norm, and this in turn ex-wife of violently abusing her in front of their kids, has started shifting how we view popular media. have gone on to win awards at the Oscars, despite all recent ceremonies focusing on and celebrating the The biggest example of sexist-comedy-gone-wrong #MeToo movement. comes in the form of the 2005 hit tv series, How I Met Your Mother. I LOVED that show. I would This all highlights the current problems in our culture, watch it again, and again, and again — until one even after the #MeToo shift. As a community, we have day, I couldn't stand it anymore. The attitude of all not yet learned to balance the difficulty of investigating five main characters towards women, placing sexual such crimes, the importance of listening to victims, and attractiveness as the essential quality to have above the right of the accused to a fair trial before being all else, was difficult to stomach for 9 straight seasons. condemned. But let's set aside all these problems for Even the two female characters of the gang sometimes a moment, and talk about one that affects us more seemed desperate to prove their desirability, with directly as consumers: At what point does art cease Robin using a sundress to get Barney to concede her to have links with its creator, and simply becomes art?

21

Problematic Favourites The biggest case study in this question is undoubtedly the much beloved Woody Allen, who allegedly molested his 7-year-old daughter Dylan Farrow, before leaving his wife for their adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn. Details have been thrown backwards and forward by family, friends, and the media for years, with no conclusion. Many people believe that he committed the crime, many others equally believe he is innocent, and all treat him accordingly. If we as consumers believe that he sexually molested a 7-yearold under his care, do we then have a responsibility to stop consuming his work, and thus stop supporting him and everyone who defends him? Do we not watch every movie Weinstein has produced? Do we avoid all Louis CK's comedy now? Will doing so detract from our own lives by depriving us of “great art”?

conversations. And maybe, it's not your responsibility.

Maybe it's beyond time for Hollywood to put in place their own checks and balances, that result in the production of crime-free media. Maybe you're just one person, who just won't make a difference. Maybe you really don't care. Well okay, that's your call. And maybe you're right.

But at the very least, don't we owe it to society to know what we're buying into, what we're supporting with our eyes and with our dollars?

Personally, I haven't watched a single Woody Allen movie in my life, and it hasn't hurt me. And I don't think I will, going into the future. I believe Dylan Farrow, and I can’t endorse a man who would molest a child.

But if I ever really feel the need to watch Annie Hall, for my “cultural education” or whatever... look, I'm not endorsing piracy. But... piracy.

Google “Woody Allen”, and you'll get a sense of exactly how convoluted this debate is. The top two news articles around his name are a review of his most recent movie, Wonder Wheel, and an article in which As for Friends and HIMYM — I will keep watching Michael Caine declares he'll never work with the them. I made three large teddy bears while binging on famed director again. Scroll down, and you'll find his Joey and the gang, and they stopped me from losing Wikipedia entry, listing all his awards and accolades. my sanity (though I never want to see Scroll down further, and you'll find a separate another ball of wool as long we as I live). I understood that Wikipedia entry dedicated 't n o d st, t it’s a sitcom from another to his sexual assault very lea e h t t ow wha a n k But o t allegation.

Hollywood ty 're time, and that allowed me to socie hat we can neither condemn, nor w to temporarily suspend , owe it o t n d my modern sensibilities g i n n i a y s u e b vindicate this man, and it y r e we're with ou feels so easy to simply keep and vaguely enjoy the g n i t r o rs? supp a l l o d consuming and ignore these cheap laughs. Judging r ou debates altogether. old media by modern standards will never work. Taking it for what it’s meant to be That is, until you google the harrowing open — a lighthearted sitcom — is the way to go. Keeping letter written by his daughter, Dylan Farrow, detailing dialogue up around what we expect, and what we no the molestation and her reactions to it. By supporting longer endorse, is essential to making better media in Woody Allen, she says, Hollywood has been actively the future. And maybe, one day, I’ll be able to make silencing her. By supporting Allen, we have been re- fluorescent teddy bears without any homophobia in traumatising her. By supporting Weinstein and CK the background. and Lauer and chefs Mario Batali and John Besh and directors Brett Ratner and Morgan Spurlock and actors Kevin Spacey and James Franco and YA authors James Dashner and Jay Asher etc. fucking etc., we force victims to live in a world where their lives and wellbeing are worth less than “art”. And we tell the world that we endorse a culture in which having talent excuses you from being a decent fucking human being.

Look, there's no easy answer to this question, really.

If you impose a Weinstein ban in your life, you'll be giving up the good work of Meryl Streep, Quentin Tarantino, Salma Hayek, Samuel L. Jackson, Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow, and John Travolta.

That's a travesty. It's inevitable that bypassing certain works will exclude you from certain, much needed

*The general attitude on the show was that women who were too stupid to not see through Barney deserved to be duped into sex. I'd like to remind everyone that stupidity does not invalidate rape. **Google it. If you haven't heard it, listen to it. It's been stuck in my head all week, so it might as well be stuck in yours too.

22

Two Haikus

Mic and a Light Put me on a stage So you can see me vanish Into something new.

- Solomon Esera

At Reading Train Station A fat man walking His two little sausage dogs.

They all moved as one.

- Emilie Hope

submit poems to poetry@salient.org.nz

23

Darci Lenker, Vincent's Bedroom in Arles, c

cotton thread on cotton fabric, 2"Ă&#x2014;3", 2018

THE YEAR WE RUINED THE OLYMPICS ANNELISE BOS

New Zealand in 1976 is an interesting time. Men are United Kingdom followed suit, promising to end their sporting awful moustaches. Women are wearing blue sporting relationship. In 1973, Prime Minister Norman eyeshadow. The first McDonald's outlet is opened in Kirk stopped the proposed Springboks tour of New Porirua. Robert Muldoon is Prime Minister. The All Zealand.

Blacks are touring South Africa, an apartheid regime.

New Zealand’s position deviated with the election In response, 28 African nations boycott the Montreal of a new National government in 1975, led by Robert Olympics. New Zealand’s reputation is in tatters on Muldoon. To capture the attention of the provincial the world stage. How did this happen, and how come heartland, National had promised not to interfere we’re not talking about it? with any future sporting tours. Although National Between 1948 and 1991, disagreed with the apartheid South Africa operated an JOURNALISTS SENT TO COVER THE regime, they believed sports apartheid regime, a legislated GAMES PRETENDED TO BE AUSTRALIAN and politics were separate system of racial hierarchy affairs. The promise worked, TO AVOID SCRUTINY. that oppressed the black and National won a landslide population. The international community condemned victory. This view continued to be inconsistent with the apartheid, and restricted or flat out declined international community, and in November 1975 the relationships with South Africa. In 1964, South United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution Africa was banned from the Tokyo Olympics, and calling on all sporting organisations to commit to antifour years later they were expelled altogether from discriminatory policies. the International Olympic Committee. In the early Turn again to 1976. An All Blacks tour of South 1970s, South Africa’s primary sporting partners in Africa was scheduled to begin at the end of June. Māori rugby and cricket maintained a consistent position, and Samoan All Blacks were given “honourary white” refusing to play with South Africa. In 1972, Australia status so they could play against white Springboks. severed sporting contact with South Africa, after tens The international community was alarmed by the tour. of thousands rioted following a 1971 tour of the South The chair of the Supreme Council of Sport in Africa African rugby team, the Springboks. In 1974, the (SCSA), Abraham Ordia, visited New Zealand to 26

The Year We Ruined the Olympics

Bill Osborne cuts through the Western Province defence during the 1976 All Black tour to South Africa, sourced from nzhistory.govt.nz

try and persuade the New Zealand Rugby Football Union (NZRFU) and the Government to cancel the tour. Ordia warned the government that there would be repercussions at the upcoming Montreal Olympics if the tour proceeded. Muldoon refused to meet with him, and made his refusal publicly known in the press, saying Ordia could “stew in his own juice”.

On the 16th of June in Soweto, a town near Johannesburg, 20,000 black children marched in the streets, protesting for the right to be taught in their own languages instead of Afrikaans. The South African police brutally massacred hundreds of children to quash the demonstration. Despite the violence in Soweto reinforcing the horrific capability of the apartheid regime, preparations for the All Blacks tour progressed. The tour was given the blessing of the Muldoon government, and the Under-Secretary for Sport Ken Comber travelled up to Auckland to give the players a proper send-off.

To protest New Zealand’s continued sporting relationship with South Africa, the Supreme Council

for Sport in Africa quickly organised a boycott of the Montreal Olympics, scheduled to begin on the 17th of July. The boycott was so hastily put together that some African teams arrived in Montreal and immediately flew home. Some even attended the opening ceremony, only to later boycott. Altogether, 28 African nations boycotted. Only 88 nations competed, making it the smallest Olympics since the 1960 Rome Games. This was particularly significant in the events that African teams traditionally dominated – track and field lost 200 athletes.

Filbert Bayi was a medal prospect for Tanzania in the 1500m run, but did not compete due to the boycott.

Bayi’s biggest rival was our own John Walker, who had beaten him previously in the 1974 Commonwealth Games. Bayi later said, “black kids were killed in Soweto. [The boycott] became inevitable, but for the athletes it was very painful. We had trained for four years. In my heart, I would have loved to run”. In Montreal, Walker won the gold medal.

As the list of countries boycotting grew, so did the 27

The Year We Ruined the Olympics tension between the New Zealand delegation and the a cultural reference point; we don’t study it in school, Supreme Council in Montreal. The Vice-President of there’s no TV movie about it. Historian Charlotte the SCSA, Jean-Claude Ganga, told reporters: “In MacDonald says: “New Zealand remembers 1981 sport, man is man, and after the massacre of Soweto, as the year of large scale protest and debate of it is not a problem of sport only, it is a humanitarian sporting contacts with South Africa – and it was a problem. It is not right.” The New Zealand Olympic really important year – but I think what people don’t delegation were unrepentant. Lance Cross, the head remember is the big decade of protest that preceded of the NZ Olympic and Commonwealth Games it, and the much longer debate, questioning, and Association (NZOCGA) said it was beyond the scope disquiet.” Maybe we don’t talk about it because it’s of the organisation, because the NZRFU was separate embarrassing. Despite the triumphant reports in the to the NZOCGA. This was not true – the NZRFU was domestic press, internationally NZ was humiliated. It in fact a paid up member of the is true that other nations were NZOCGA. A reporter asked THE 1976 BOYCOT T IS AN EXAMPLE playing sports with South Africa Cross if he was embarrassed OF NEW ZEALAND ALONE ON – gymnastics, golf, and tennis. about the boycott. Cross said A GLOBAL PLATFORM, BUT ON But rugby matters more, as it was he had never been embarrassed one of the most popular sports about anything in his life. The THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY: in South Africa, particularly to reality is, for New Zealanders ENCOURAGING SPORTING CONTACT the white population. The 1976 in Montreal, the boycott was boycott is an example of New WITH AN APARTHEID REGIME. hugely embarrassing. Journalists Zealand alone on a global sent to cover the games pretended to be Australian to platform, but on the wrong side of history: encouraging avoid scrutiny. sporting contact with an apartheid regime. “It’s a time New Zealand media coverage of Montreal when New Zealand became a pariah on the world focussed on our sporting success, with limited stories stage”, MacDonald says. devoted to the boycott. “Special Cheer for NZ Maybe we don’t talk about it because sport is so At Games Opening”, declared the New Zealand important to our identity as New Zealanders. Micheal Herald, “offsetting the boycott imposed by more than Warren, a PhD candidate writing his thesis on New a score of African and Arab nations”. Editorials and Zealand identity and the Olympics, notes: “When cartoons in the major newspapers of the time were you think back to New Zealand’s earliest forays into entirely unsympathetic the international sphere, to the African boycott, rugby was there. Think and accuse the SCSA about the 1905 tour of hijacking the Games of Great Britain, and to further their own the All Blacks basically agenda, at the expense won every game except of the athletes [see one. When you think cartoon attached]. about the ideas that The New Zealand New Zealanders think Olympic team returned about themselves – the home with 4 medals. underdog, punching The All Blacks returned above our weight, kiwi in August, defeated by ingenuity, all that stuff the Springboks 3-1 in – it plays out best in the test series. The SCSA sport.” Sporting success Sourced from The New Zealand Herald, July 19, 1976 agitated for a further is extremely important boycott of the 1978 Commonwealth Games, unless to New Zealanders, and there is no greater platform New Zealand cut sporting contact with South Africa. to showcase this than the Olympics. As Warren In 1977, Commonwealth nations, including New observes, we love to see success on the Olympic Zealand, agreed to discourage sporting contact with medal table. Is there any other nation more fixated on South Africa in the Gleneagles Agreement, causing the per-capita table than us? most African nations to call off their proposed boycott.

It seems crazy now, for a New Zealand government However, the impact of this Agreement was limited, to turn their back on international consensus and as it was ignored by Muldoon’s government in 1981 protect sporting contact with a nation that committed when the Springboks toured New Zealand. horrific human rights abuses. But we shouldn’t forget Everyone remembers the 1981 tour as a pivotal that we once did. It’s an important part of our history, moment in NZ history, as a collision of values. Yet we the year we ruined the Olympics. don’t seem to talk about the events of 1976. It’s less of 28

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Columns

Presidential Address

VUWSA

Marlon Drake

Jack Donovan

Kia ora! Week three and we be living it up. As I’m writing this I have the flu really bad, but the tyrannical Salient editor Louise Lin is forcing me to get something in before last minute. Where has the kindness in this world gone?

Anyway here’s a message straight from me, for your eyes only!

This week’s topic is kind of about activism. VUWSA prides itself on being a very political association. This doesn’t mean we have a bias either way, it just means that when there’s an issue affecting students that’s worth yelling about, we try our utmost to do something about it (within the boundaries of our resources). We have money set aside for this kind of activist role, and some of our exec members have hours dedicated for it. In reality though, the most important source of strength for making political change of any kind is through our community.

That means dedicated people volunteering their time to solve a problem. The best part about VUWSA is that you don’t have to be part of the executive to get involved and do this. All you need is a good heart, a good cause, and to get in touch, and then beautiful things can happen. In fact, as I am writing this we are preparing to march. Students who care have come together and have organized to try and make change. We partnered with VUWLSS, our law students society, and VUWFLS, our feminist law society, to organize and take action.

Tomorrow is Thursday the 15th and we’ll be taking to the streets to stand up against sexual assault and harassment in the workplace, and the culture which so permits it.

So yes! I’m proud to be a part of a political association.

Now I’m going to skull some Codral and mung out so I’m ready for tomorrow.

Welcome everybody to yet another VUWSA column.

I’m your Treasurer/Secretary for the year, Jack Donovan, and oh boy what a year already. From O-Week to a student rally , it’s been pretty bloody busy.

More importantly though, how are you going?

Freshers are entering their third or so week in halls – that weird stage where the novelty of being constantly surrounded by people you hopefully like is starting to wear off a lil.

Second years have found an exorbitantly priced flat which for some reason is already starting to grow damp and mouldy.

Third years and up are all constantly checking to see if they can either finish their degree early or are likely considering dropping out on a daily basis. Postgrad students are probably doing something very stressful for not much pay as well.

With all these concerns and worries, it’s so easy to stress out. When I’m stressed, I recommend just chilling out, maybe reading a book, and of course, going to the VUWSA IGM (Initial General Meeting) which can be found in the Hub from 12pm on the 21st of March. Come eat some free food! Vote on our new education officer!

Listen to me talk about the budget!

All these are super exciting activities and I can’t wait to see you there.

30

By Danica Soich For the Love of Trees I live in a small house in a leafy suburb. I’m lucky. After a few crap years in the concrete jungle it’s a breath of fresh air to be close to the bush. Even as I write this, there’s a pohutakawa that fills my bedroom with a brilliant vermilion blaze. If you look hard enough you see her star topped flakes undulating in the Wellington breeze.

The tree shades my desk at times and is perhaps responsible for my dampening flat. But I’m thankful for that tree, despite her audacity compared to a humble kawakawa or beech. To me, she’s a model of natural resilience and fortitude.

The other day, the neighbours cut down a grand old tree to let in more light. Others chop them down to make way for driveways. Councils have cut them down for new sleek subdivisions or liberation from emptying gutters and drains. The trees are falling. It’s the new chainsaw massacre.

Beyond felling at the human hand, trees are under biohazardous attack. Myrtle rust is causing manuka and pohutukawa to break out in vicious yellow pustules of fungus. Kauri dieback is an incurable pathogen that affects the roots and will literally starve a tree to death.

I’m not sure I could overstate the benefit of a tree. In an age of certain climate change, trees are crucial for the absorption of carbon dioxide and reduction of the greenhouse effect. They shelter us from harsh UV rays; filter noise and air pollutants; prevent soil erosion; and provide a home for all kinds of creatures.

The trees standing staunch on the town belt also have a profound effect on our community. Research conducted in Toronto has linked various social and physical benefits with exposure to urban trees. Take a seat beneath the sprawling, viridescent canopy and you will experience a slower, calmer heartbeat. Your blood pressure will lower and your brain wave patterns will relax. Other thorns of mental illness are alleviated. If you’re physically sick, you’ll heal faster than your counterpart who shelters

away from nature. Such research show that the roots of a healthy society are entangled in the roots of healthy trees.

But beyond their mere utility to us, trees are phenomenally complex creatures, whose mystery challenges that of neuroscience or quantum physics.

Although we cannot hear them, the trees are talking.

Two decades ago, ecologist Suzanne Simard unearthed the existence biological pathways buried beneath the soil.

The network is made of radiating tangles of mycelium — the vegetative threads of fungus. Along this network, trees pass messages to each other. Warning signals, pleas for assistance, and other unknown secrets are zipping throughout the forest at any given moment. In response to these messages, trees will come to the aid of others, transporting water, oxygen, and other nutrients to the needy tree. Big old trees in particular act as mothers of the forest, providing a central hub of message reception.

Through this underground exchange system which resembles the internet, a forest will collectively manage its resources and work cooperatively for the health of the whole.

Researchers have recently administered anesthetic to plants. In particular, they’ve been doping pea plants which are an active, highly responsive plant. In humans and animals, a dosage of anesthetic would trigger the patient to become unconscious, slipping into a deep state of amnesia where our movement, responsiveness, and perception is switched off.

After being exposed to diethyl ether vapor, the curling tendrils of a pea plant immediately stopped moving. They were unresponsive to the stimulus of a trailing bug. As the drug wore off, they regained their normal functions, waking up. The anesthetic seemed to render them unconsciousness, which suggests that the plants were in fact conscious to begin with.

We must ask ourselves a fundamental question: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, what will become of us?

31

Columns

NT: Te Ara Tauira

UniQ: Sounds Gay!

Ruben Toa Kearney-Parata

Johnny O’Hagan Brebner

Kia kaha, kia maia, kia manawanui!

Here is a story that you’ve probably heard before. It’s one that’s all too common among indigenous peoples, but the themes and lessons from this story are ones that our tupuna have been telling us for generations.

Close your eyes. Picture your whenua, your tūrangawaewae. The place your whānau have resided for as long as the wind itself. And like the wind, your whānau become attuned to the rhythms of the ngahere, the currents of the awa, and the ebbing and flowing of the moana. From your ancestors you’ve probably been taught the protocols and responsibilities of coexisting in this environment, with an understanding of and a sense of respect for Papatūānuku.

Now take that same whenua, and imagine it being trodden on by an unfamiliar foot. Words such as "expansion", "development", and "progress" are being thrown around. And very quickly, the land you’d become so used to seems very different. That spring behind the marae where your koro used to catch eels has become too polluted. You no longer see the birds that migrated from the far reaches of the Pacific ocean, because the wetlands that used to accommodate them are now something of a sewage pond.

These are just some issues that our people have had to deal with for decades, and continue to face on an everyday basis. For instance, whānau from Kāpehu marae near Dargaville are currently resisting proposed developments to build a Tegel chicken farm on 250 hectares of Northland land. There is something within this story that rings true irrespective of time, place, or peoples. And that’s that tangata whenua will continue to be crafty and brave in the face of adversity, regardless of circumstance.

UniQ Victoria is proud to announce a new project for 2018: our weekly radio slot, titled Sounds Gay! Apollo, Miia, Willow, and Johnny are teaming up to bring you two hours of quality queer content every Wednesday 4-6pm.

Tune in to Salient.FM (88.3FM or salient.org.nz/fm) to hear us crank some queer music, yarn a lot, update you on news from our community, and generally overshare.

We had our introductory broadcast last Wednesday (feat. police at pride, nervous laughter, a heavy rural accent, dutch folk metal, and eating chips with the microphone on).

This Wednesday you’ll be blessed with Miia and Apollo recapping our Friday discussion space, probably a lot of Anaϊs Mitchell, and one of our Co-Presidents as a special guest.

Next week, Johnny and Willow will be taking over with yet to be announced (or decided) content. It will probably involve a lot of music.

Sounds Gay! will be a mixed bag of light hearted discussion, topical issues, a bit of cheeky discourse, and music. All bound together with the common goal of making the world a little gayer.

Feel free to write in with song requests, questions, comments, guest recommendations, and general advice to make the show as queer as possible.

UniQ is about our community, so we’d love to hear from you.

Keep an eye out for details on our social media, or email us on UniQVictoria@gmail.com to get amongst.

Love you all whānau, kia kaha x Yours queerly, Johnny O’Hagan Brebner Acting UniQ Comms Officer Facebook: UniQ Victoria Insta: @uniqvictoria Twitter: @UniQVictoria

32

Communication with the Animal Nation Science is the method by which we try to understand our place in the natural world. When our ability to comprehend something exceeds our ability to observe it, science allows us to bridge that gap. Build a telescope to observe a planet. Create a collider to bring a theoretical element into existence. Develop a spectrum to better understand a psychological condition, and so on. But historically, the study wherein we fail to bridge the gap of understanding is one closer to home: animal intelligence.

In his book Are We Smart Enough to Know How Smart Animals Are?, primatologist Frans De Waal argues that scientists have to construct better experiments in order to understand what degree of intelligence animals have. To do so, he believes you should start by understanding an animal’s “umwelt”, a German term meaning “surroundings”, that refers to an animal’s particular sensory experience of the world around them. Scientists should view animal behaviour as a evolutionary adaptive trait rather than a set program that runs like an automaton. Science is based on empirical observation, but in order to gather evidence of your animal’s intelligence, you have to accommodate your animal accordingly.

For instance, a test to determine how humans, chimps, and gibbons can use tools to overcome a problem, such as grabbing a treat separated from them by a barrier with a low opening and being offered a tool that would extend their reach, was stymied by the fact that the tool had to be picked up off the ground. This is something humans and chimps can do with no issue, but gibbons have difficulty with, so it was naturally assumed that gibbons could not use tools. But if we take its “umwelt” into consideration, we know that being an animal that spends all its life in trees, a gibbon’s hands are adapted to an arboreal

(tree-dwelling) environment, and thus their sensory experience of grasping only relates to suspended objects, such as a branch from which to swing. When the tool was raised slightly off the ground to enable the gibbon to grasp it properly, it could complete the test just as well as its fellow apes.

It becomes more difficult when this approach is applied to animals that display cognitive capacity but with a morphology and sensory experience completely different to our own. An elephant’s sensory experiences of touch and smell are united in their trunk, so the aforementioned tool test doesn’t work with them because picking up a tool cuts off their ability to detect the treat. As such, scientists conducting the study had to invent a new test in order to disprove if elephants weren’t capable of using tools to overcome a challenge. And that’s not even getting to animals like dolphins, crows, and octopuses*, the latter of which I learned have a brain in each arm and taste buds in each sucker.

Der Waal’s book is a fascinating read, as it demonstrates that animals being inventive and aware in a way that we thought only humans could be. The shock at this is something that has been baked into natural science since its beginnings, with Aristotle and his scala naturae, which places humans above all other animals due to believing we had the monopoly on cognition. Science is as much about unlearning old attitudes as it is embracing or testing new ones.

The separation between “human” and “animal” intelligence creates an arbitrary barrier to our own understanding of nature. *Yes, that is an acceptable plural, clunky though it may sound. ‘Octopi’ is wrong because it puts a Latin pluralization on a Greek word. Stop using it (don’t @ me).

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Columns

SWAT

Ask the Advocate

Alexander Walker

Ellen Legg

I was terrified of the Hub when I came to uni in 2016.

The place always seemed filled to the brim with students: laughing students, smiling students, chatting students, basically an enormously loud display of people who had already made connections and looked as though they were simply among family. It felt like I was the only one who had not already found twenty best friends.

One thing kept me going in those first two weeks – goals.

I told myself that I wanted to make at least one friend in every course I was in, and that I needed to try at least a few clubs. I came out of the trimester with four solid new friendships (shout-out to Preya, Megan, Van and Alex!).

All of them have played a vital role in my enjoyment of university, and all of them are people I would not have met if I had not smiled and said hi. The goal wasn’t there to make me stress out for not reaching an arbitrary number, but rather it was simply meant to be something that would prompt me to talk to new people.

I sat next to someone for an entire trimester before we eventually became friends a year later for unrelated reasons. I wish I could have talked to her sooner, I always think. This speaks to the importance of connections; the goal is not to make a hundred friends, it’s just to make a friend. University is a big place and I guarantee that there are dozens of people out there who you could connect with.

So to students new and old, I encourage all of us to form new connections. You never know when the person who's always on your designated Vic Books table is actually a future best friend. You never know when the person who sits next to you in a lecture could actually be a source of comradeship throughout your university life. You never know, until you talk.

Don’t be intimidated by the Hub’s constant friendly chatter. Just be a friendly face to the person next to you and see where these early connections will take you.

Dear Advocate, I just moved into a new (exorbitantly expensive) flat, and my landlord charged a non-refundable fee of $230 per person, on top of bond and rent in advance. Are they allowed to do this?

Yours sincerely, Flat Broke.

Dear Flat Broke, Unfortunately, landlords are allowed to charge a fee like this, called a letting fee, under the current law. Letting fees are an exception to the general rule that landlords cannot charge “key money” (a non-refundable fee charged to the tenant, in order for them to secure tenancy of the property). There are rules surrounding how and when letting fees are allowed, and the Residential Tenancies Act 1986 highlights two key factors: Firstly, the fee must be no more than one week’s rent plus GST (15%): if your rent is $200 per person, $230 is the maximum fee they are allowed to charge.

Secondly, it may only be charged when there is a “letting agent” involved. A “letting agent” can be a solicitor or land agent; most commonly, agents operate through agencies such as Quinovic or Full House. If you are dealing directly with your landlord, and they have an interest in the property, (through direct ownership or indirectly e.g. through a trust), they are not allowed to charge a letting fee.

If your landlord has charged this fee but they are not entitled to do so, it is unlawful and they can be forced to pay you up to $1,000 in damages. A recent case heard in the Tenancy Tribunal (Yuan v Sau) resulted in a tenant being awarded $500 when their landlord charged a letting fee, despite being the owner of the property.

Hopefully, letting fees will soon be a relic of the past, as Labour has stated plans to abolish them. xx Advocate 34

Music — Superorganism Self-titled Review by by Josh Ellery

Superorganism’s self-titled debut, out on Domino, arrives just over a year after the release of single “Something for Your M.I.N.D.” – likely the starting point for anyone who has encountered Superorganism, or for those who will come into contact with them moving forward. I first heard the track on Frank Ocean’s “Blonded Radio,” as he seemingly plucked the band out of obscurity. The track has punchy synths and drums, and a lackadaisical vocal appealing to any fans of slacker-pop. It’s a banger, and serves as a mission statement of sorts for the mysterious 8-piece, largely based in London. The group notably features former members of NZ groups The Eversons and Sherpa, as well as Kiwi background singers – so there’s definitely a local feel to this group.

It’s the samples which cause me a little bit of grief on this record. The guitar slide sample, notably present on “Something for Your M.I.N.D.” pops up repeatedly throughout the record. I can understand the appeal of re-using a motif throughout a body of music; it's a technique that harks back to classical music, and to much of the electronic music we hear today. In this case, however, the motif re-appears without further development, and without any real suggestion as to why it’s there. This statement could be true of much of the album, which seems to recycle a sonic template without huge development (barring the songs I highlighted previously).

Whilst Superorganism is an encouraging debut project, I think it’s slightly half-baked (and maybe a bit rushed, given the meteoric rise of the group). It would be interesting to see if, on their next project, Superorganism can branch out into other spheres of electronic/indie-pop, and channel the enigmatic nature of their vocalist to create a more varied and cohesive project.

The rest of the new album follows a similar sort of trajectory to its lead single – almost to a fault.

Immediate standouts include “The Prawn Song,” “Relax,” and “Nobody Cares,” all of which highlight Orono’s enigmatic vocal delivery. She is simultaneously bored-sounding and somehow full of character, and as a result she feels like the star of the group. Musically, Superorganism does seem to hit an interesting niche in the indie market, as their melodic synths and live instrumentation collide with samples.

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Theatre — Poet Vs Pageant SHOW BY TELIA NEVILLE

If you weren’t already aware, the New Zealand Fringe Festival kicked off on the 2nd and will be going until the 24th of March. To start off my 2018 Fringe experience, I went and saw Poet Vs Pageant.

Glance at the title. If you were expecting a wrestling stage, strobe lighting, and a big song and dance, then you would not have seen the one woman on the poster, and completely ignored the word “poet”. To be fair, there was one song and dance, but it was a cheerleading chant entitled “Poetry Won’t Make You Popular”.

Indeed, the set was absolutely bare – only a table with a glass of water on it and section cards indicating each “round”. The lighting was very simple. Even the costume begins with a simple black dress and ends with a red sequined one. All of these are obvious choices indicating to the audience that it simultaneously is and is not about the presentation of the show, and more about the words chosen in this piece and the intimacy between performer and audience.

I absolutely applaud Telia for being such a confident performer in such an intimate space as the Studio of BATS Theatre. She welcomed us into the space and thanked us when we left, giving us a card with “onward awkward soldier” written on it, her closing lines.

When she told her poem-story, she looked people directly in the eye. Two people left in the middle of the show (clearly something came up, or they found themselves in the wrong theatre, or maybe they just weren’t vibing the show), but she acknowledged them by smiling, allowed them to pass, and then carried on as normal. Top job!

The show is one long poem, only really pausing to present the section cards like showgirls do in a car salesrooms, with so many quotable lines: “Complexion a poor substitute for comprehension”. It begins with a poet’s confusion over pageants: surely if the pageant is really about brains then if the poet entered, she would absolutely win. It should be easy: “Beautiful people got everything but they just had nothing to give”.

And in the beginning it was easy. The narrator warned us that this poet was our anti-hero but I agreed with so many of her thoughts that she became my hero.

Until she got mean. I didn’t align myself with her then.

Ironically, in the swimsuit section she got vulnerable, “as though before a lover”. She began to lose that cockiness that she started with. She admitted that as a feminist child she knew princesses were lame, but she still secretly wanted to be one.

This tug of war within herself about superficiality and intellectualism was the crux of the show and hit the nail on the head for me. Yes! YES! I’m a woman. I have a brain. I also like to be/feel pretty. The two should not be mutually exclusive.

The poet did not win the pageant — she came runner up — but she learnt something in that experience. Her glass slipper of wisdom was this: “The only wins that matter are the self-appointed crowns”.

The show was fun but profound and punchy. There’s a reason why it won Best Writing at Melbourne Fringe, and as both a theatre and English literature geek, I dug it.

Review by Emilie Hope 36

TV

Review by Conall Aird & George Bulleid

Netflix’s Big Mouth is hilarious, challenging, vile, and charming, all at the same time.

The 10-episode animated series, featuring an allstar voice cast, focuses on the most demanding and confronting years in an adolescent’s life, displaying to the fullest extent possible just how challenging puberty can be. With a complete lack of filter and constraint, the show, mainly through the eyes of pubescent teens Nick and Andrew (characters based on two of the series creators Nick Kroll and Andrew Goldberg), deals with the bewildering, complicated, and unrelenting changes brought about by hormones.

Alongside the teens are the outrageous “Hormone Monster” characters, who serve to only heighten how awkward and unpleasant puberty can be.

The lack of restraint of the show may turn some viewers off entirely – it’s not everyone’s cup of tea (like when a 13-year-old boy teaches his friends how to masturbate with a pillow). But it is the show’s inherent lewdness that allows for the creation of a landscape where the adolescent characters are able to freely discuss their feelings, confusions, and urges — making room for an open conversation about puberty and its challenges.

It’s hard to think of a show that has made puberty its central focus, and has dealt with it in the concentrated and free manner that Big Mouth does.

The show, which could only have been created in animated format, is often crude and crosses the line at times, but it still remains honest throughout. Nick

and Andrew’s relationship is a genuine portrayal of the difficulty teenagers face in handling, maintaining, and creating friendships when they’re developing at different speeds. The creators clearly comprehend what real life adolescents deal with, and because of this, the show is likely to speak to most people on some level.

Where Big Mouth succeeds is how it manages to recognise both the contrasting and similar effects puberty has on boys and girls. Despite Nick and Andrew being the show’s protagonists, the show commits the same amount of time to exploring the struggle faced by adolescent girls, doing it in a way that other formats have generally failed to do. The show’s character exploration extends beyond its pubescent protagonists, often making touching commentary on the lives of parents and adults in general. From marijuana addictions and sexual awakenings to social ineptitude, many of the adult characters are involved in experiencing what could rightfully be seen as a second adolescence of their own.

In an utterly relatable way, Big Mouth represents the salient emergence of sex-positivity and inclusion of this generation. Amidst the absurdity and shock value in each episode lies a thoughtful and tactfully written plot, providing much-needed validation to our inner child, that at the end of the day, we all go through the same shit.

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Review by Elliot Harris

Back in the day, before I forked out a solid $14.99 a month for Spotify, I was a huge SoundCloud fiend.

Similar to the way that Bandcamp seems to champion a community fueled by dark and overly-misunderstood hipster projects, the SoundCloud community is equally niche. That I can drop the term “SoundCloud rapper” in casual conversation and be understood attests to the unique space that SoundCloud occupies as a platform. Despite its many flaws, in the last five years SoundCloud has been largely responsible for bringing a new generation of independent artists into the realm of mainstream appeal.

Are We Live follows the journey of four previously “up-and-coming,” now fully established, young artists based in London, who owe their success primarily to hype accrued through SoundCloud. Jordan Rakei, Tom Misch, Alfa Mist, and Barney Artist have been sporadically congregating at Pink Bird Studio in East London since 2015 to discuss their struggles, successes, favorite music, and processes, as they navigate their way through the music industry. As the young frontrunners of a resurgent neo-soul/jazz scene in South London, these four dudes provide a low-key insight into the culture which drives them and their peers.

A typical episode begins with a round the table discussion about what each artist has been working on in the time since the last episode. This usually evolves into deeper discussion on issues with songwriting, production, touring, or the state of popular music. Are We Live is really just four mates getting together for a fat yarn, but it seems to have captured quality snapshots of each hosts’ artistic and personal development in a genuine way that can be quantified and then heard in their respective music. At the tail end of the episode, each artist picks a song for the others to listen to and discuss. This feature has helped me discover other artists who I now love, some mainstream and some unknown.

Are We Live is a true window into the lives of young and talented artists. It lets the listener feel as though they are a part of the discussion, as opposed to a farremoved observer. Even if podcasts aren’t your buzz, all four artists are well worth a listen, as are their musical peers (see Laura Misch, Carmody, Emmavie, Elli Ingram, Zak Abel, Loyle Carner, Oscar Jerome, and Puma Blue).

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Film — Ireland in Film OR, A DESPERATE (LATE) ST PATRICK’S DAY SHOEHORNING-IN

The Old: In Bruges (2008) Review by Lauren White Following a botched job, two Irish hitmen (Brendan Gleeson, Colin Farrell) are sent to the city of Bruges, Belgium, to await further instructions from their boss Harry (Ralph Fiennes).

Films like to portray assassins in the formulaic “Bond” light; unfeeling, clinical professionals, detached from morality. Allowing these characters to retain their virtuosity and strangeness is where Martin McDonagh (Three Billboards, Seven Psychopaths) takes you from the beginning.

This dynamic of hitmen with hearts created increasingly grim situations where I felt constantly torn between laughing and collapsing in tears — it’s perfect fodder for a fantastically black comedy. Gleeson’s character is the more lilting and weather-worn of the two, with an appreciation for Bruges Venetian-esque canals and holy relics. Farrell’s, on the other hand, is bored out of his mind, passing up gothic architecture in lieu of getting pissed and laid.

In this movie, the clumsy violence coupled with religious significance is red seeping over white snow and between the pews of a church, splashed against a macabre painting of The Last Judgment.

In Bruges is great in the way that Martin McDonagh’s best stories are. He takes the time to invest in characters, so when moments of twisted hilarity occur, you can’t help but ache for the victims of the joke (though in all honesty he could have just looped footage of Colin Farrell’s eyebrows furrowing in immature disbelief for two hours and I would still give it 5/5).

It is also one of Farrell’s best performances, and he gets to deliver the best line of the film: “If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn’t, so it doesn’t.”

The story culminates in a ridiculous and poetically poignant shoot-out, that brings it to a satisfying close. It makes sense of the many bizarre aspects of what could have been a convoluted plot, and left me with a peculiar yearning to visit Bruges.

The New: Handsome Devil (2016) Review by Emma Maguire doesn’t end with Ned and Conor riding off into the sunset together — but it does hold an important position within queer film history. Many queer narratives end in death or destruction (the “Bury Your Gays” trope exists for a reason), and it is very rare to get an ending where all of the characters are happy.

While Ned and Conor go through a lot in this film (mostly situational homophobia), their friendship is (mostly) good and pure. Although the climax of the film is a tad “Disney” and more than a little bit cheesy, the positivity just adds into the overall good vibes of the film.

It’s a comedy-drama for a reason, after all!

Handsome Devil is the queer comedy-drama you never knew you needed. Set in an Irish boarding school, our two heroes, Ned (Fionn O’Shea) and Conor (Nicholas Galitzine), form an unlikely friendship in the midst of the school’s hyper-masculine, rugby-obsessed culture. Ned’s a writer, quick-witted and intelligent, while Conor finds solace in rugby and other athletic pursuits. It doesn’t seem like they would be good friends, but when they’re forced to room together by the headmaster of the school, they find that they have a lot more in common than they first realised — they’re both not entirely heterosexual.

Handsome Devil is not a love story — this narrative 39

Books As part of the New Zealand Festival, the Writers and Readers Festival that ran from March 8-11th was filled with panels, readings, and book launches of local and international writers. The Salient books team reviewed two brand new collections from some of New Zealand’s most beloved poets, which were showcased during the festival — Therese Lloyd’s The Facts, and Chris Tse’s He’s So Masc.

The Facts by Therese Lloyd Review by Alex Feinson

The first thing that draws you in about Therese Lloyd’s new collection, The Facts, is the soft, serene, and melancholic painting, Heather Straka’s Honey Trap 12, on its cover. Inside the oval border is a pale young woman with her back turned, her brown hair in a messy bun, and she is clad in only a small black bra.

The image invokes silence, introversion, privacy, isolation — all themes that are at the forefront of Lloyd’s new collection that deals with deep personal feelings of love, loss, betrayal, helplessness, and a quest to start again.

The second poem, “This Time Around”, was an immediate favourite. It describes a shotgun wedding, and its sense of recklessness and impulsivity establishes the nature, and narrative, of the relationship that runs through the entire book. But these intense feelings evaporate in the last line, which marks the end of the beginning, as the lovebirds return to the wedding venue to clean, rather than enjoy their marital bliss.

This recklessness turns to restlessness in another standout poem, “Democratic Moves”, which is a list of “broken things”. They are broken seemingly because of an underlying struggle with a generational transfer of being unable to live up to the idea of Woman. Lloyd details the struggles of the mother, with her scones, slices, and “quiet pills”, which have been transferred

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onto the daughter, with her extreme boredom and bad habits.

The titular poem, The Facts, has a fervent sweeping narrative where the relationship unfolds and collapses as the loss and betrayal is laid bare. The feelings and wounds are raw and full of anger, but towards the end there is a sense of pragmatism, reflection, and potential recovery.

Two of my favourites from the final section were “Rebound”, with its brilliant opening line of “it shat itself”, and “Funeral Playlist,” which delves right back into the darkness and troubled emotions from earlier poems to remind us that nothing is all and well still.

Lloyd has brilliantly mixed short, blunt, and punchy poems with long, winding, and rich narratives that tie The Facts together into one beautifully powerful and emotive collection. This book is one I will return to again and again, as I found new wonderful ideas and images each time I read and reread it over the past few weeks.

But through it all I kept wondering, who is the haunting woman on the cover? Is she the woman in the poems? Or is she the woman Lloyd was, or wants to be? Is she every woman, or the idea of Woman?

Or perhaps she is you, or whatever, whomever, you want her to be.

He’s So MASC

by Chris Tse Review by Shanti Mathias There’s an animal urgency to Chris Tse’s latest collection of poetry, He’s So MASC. Wrought of thrumming heartbeats and silken nights, his poems are songs: some of lust, some of love, all of light.

He’s So MASC is angry, and justifiably so. Tse’s Chinese identity is a theme in all his poems, as he references all of the struggles and the shame over hiding his identity as a poet, and his parents’ reaction when he confessed his creativity. This comes to a head in ‘Punctum’ where Tse is aware of where he’s supposed to fit, he knows that to “study[...] to be a capitalist” is to be “a good Chinese boy”, yet seeks to rebel and break the mould.

Perhaps the best thing about He’s So MASC is that it feels utterly contemporary. Lines like “love songs [...] built with gender-neutral pronouns”, and its references to dating apps and selfies are not snide, but part of the fabric of the everyday. Tse is writing about, and for, the present.

Then there is the underlying contemplation of masculinity from which the title is drawn. Tse characterises typical masculinity as “Coltrane, oil change, accidentally brushing a breast”, while the masculinity of his book is “Madonna, selfies, inability to grow a beard.” Tse’s real strength as a poet becomes apparent, as he expertly juggles, and considers, his many identities: as a man, as a Chinese man, as a gay man, without fetishising any of these.

He’s So MASC has repeated motifs of cities and wolves, and the mediums which unite them: the moon, stars, neon, and things you abandon in the sky. Tse manages these transformations stylishly, pulling you through into his world. Perhaps this is poetry for poets; but a poet can be anyone, and the melody of this book is one easy to follow.

I suggest reading this book in a city at night, when you want to find music amidst roaring.

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Food — Pizza Base Recipe Recipe by Tom Hall

Homemade pizza is a good way to use up random ingredients that have been hogging your fridge’s real estate. Most veg can be roasted or put on top raw. Sliced meats and even canned spaghetti can be used as a topping to work into a quick and easy meal. As I’m sure most of you experienced chefs can chuck food and cheese on a base and cook for 20 mins at 180°C, I wouldn’t bother wasting a recipe on toppings. The sure fire way to make a pizza which puts the $5 values at Dominoes to shame, is a home made base.

Ingredients 1.5 cups of flour (+flour at hand for dusting) ($0.05) 1 cup of water (zilch) 1 teaspoon of yeast ($0.10) A pinch of salt (>$0.05) Method There’s two different ways of putting this base together, depending on how far ahead you plan the meal.

The first way needs a couple of hours to rise, so it’s better to make the dough in the morning or the night before. Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl thoroughly.

Slowly add the water while incorporating it with a fork. The dough should start as clumps of flour that get stickier and then form a big blob. If you accidentally go too far with the water then it will look a bit porridge-y, so just add a bit more flour until you get the consistency you want. When you have a nice, fairly dry blob of dough, shape it in a ball in the bowl and cover it with a tea towel. It should take 2 hours at the minimum to start rising, but there’s no harm in leaving it for a while longer. You’ll want to keep it away from bugs or pests, but also at a room temperature in order to rise, so find a safe cupboard.

The second version of this is the “I just realised I didn’t plan dinner” hack. The first version uses the room

temperature heat and the natural sugars in the flour to feed the yeast and let them raise the dough for you.

To bypass that step, get a glass of fairly warm water (boiling or very hot water will kill the yeast) and mix in a teaspoon of sugar. Mix the yeast into the sugar water, and let it sit for about 5-10 mins. You will get a smell of carbon dioxide and a bubbly foam on the water, which will tell you that the yeast is having a good feed. Once this happens, make the dough in the same way as you do above, and let it sit for at least 30 mins. This version makes a denser base.

When the dough is ready, pull it out onto a bench dusted with flour and knead it for 10 mins. Kneading warms the dough up, and makes it more chewy and structured. I find this recipe makes about three bases worth of dough, so try to portion it out using a bread knife. With one portion, use a floured rolling pin or a glass to shape a round base. Then fold the outer edges in and press down to form the crust. Top with your usual tomato paste, veg, and cheese. These should take about 20-30 mins in the oven at 180°C degrees. Keep feeling the edge of the crust until it becomes hard to the touch.

This is essentially a basic dough recipe, so feel free to modify it to make calzone (by folding the pizza in half and sealing the edges together) or bread sticks (strips of pizza dough).

Art — Blind Spot by Teju Cole Review by Jane Wallace

Rule and Exception A weekend ago, I went and listened to Teju Cole speak about his photo book Blind Spot. I have learned a lot from Teju Cole already— his collection of photography is one that I read paragraphs out of for people close to me, and sometimes strangers, all the time. I have a deep appreciation for the way his thoughts trail so digressively, tumbling into each other, but still seem structured, organised.

not do it”. Kids’ art practice is naïve, and by nature, not bound by any rules. It is the act of setting rules that differentiates the work of Cole’s and other artists’ from all the other paintings, drawings, and photographs created by children or otherwise. These rules are not prescriptive, but instead something that I suppose Cole has at the back of his mind, steering his photographic choices.

In Blind Spot, Cole consciously avoided images of cars or people, and the collection is largely free from both of these things. But here! a boy with his head bowing below the red rail of a boat; again, the same boy, scanned by a negatives scanner a third or fourth or even a fifth time, now with his eyes looking, no longer in shadow. And here! a car, its bonnet protruding from a garage, bursting from the metal seams that someone wanted to contain it in, like bread dough rising past its tin. Small rules like these, which belong only to the creator, allow the creation of the exception— of something extraordinary that justifies shifting your personal rubric. The self-made rule is arbitrary, but it is essential to form the rule anyway, in order to realise what is most valuable.

Towards the end of his conversation with Paula Morris, Teju Cole brought up the notion that we set rules when creating art. Sometimes we assign these rules to a certain project, and call it a brief, or perhaps we have rules flicking the back of our arms all the time — this persistent, but guiding pain to remind us who we are, what we do. It is a foreign idea to invite rules into your work. It is much more attractive to perpetuate a notion that visual art comes very organically, instinctively, spontaneously.

What rules does Cole work under? What rules are acceptable to confine oneself within? He begins to outline them, and he begins in an unexpected way: no filters, no cropping, scanning in three different ways, minimal contrast adjustments; for Blind Spot, shooting only on 35mm film. These are technical rules, relating the production of a negative into what Cole wants us to see in it. This is the curious thing about photography, the way it balances so awkwardly between the technical and art form, not fitting comfortably in either realm. His methods do not appear artistic, but at the same time they are. The difference in the resulting positive if just one of these technical considerations is altered will change the stylistic reading of it, what hides in the shadows, what detail is blown out by light.

Rules, for Cole, are the reason “why your kid could

So, the production of the photograph becomes a thing in limbo again, between a rule and the destruction of rule— a suspension in exception. There is something sneaky about an exception. It is the grey area, the fringe of permission. The fringe often dictates what will become the centre, and the exception becomes the norm, and a new exception is made. The rule and exception is crucial in considering personal practice, and how your work will mutate and develop. The rule is still what influences who we are, what we do, but also: what will we be, where will we go?

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FUN

LITERAL MURDER

Know Your Country: Towns/Cities in NZ

ACROSS 1. Our Maori Club had a number one hit. (5) 3. Oysters, in our name. (5) 4. The piece of shit between 13D and Timaru. (7) 6/7D. Outside 21A, nothing like KFC, Maccas and a Mobil at one roundabout [name split up for xword] (12) 11. Rhythm and Alps (6) 12. Arsehole of the World (11) 10D/14. See 10D for clue.

16. Home of David Seymour’s all-white electorate (8) 17. Taika Waititi shot Eagle vs. Shark here (7) 19. Home to your grandparents & golden shears (9) 21. Vomit on Courtney Place, every Friday night (10) 22/7. Slogan: Right Up My ____ ________ (4, 6)

DOWN 1/20.

2.

5.

6A/7.

8.

9.

10/14A. 11.

13.

15.

18.

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John Cleese’s “suicide capital of NZ” (10, 5) Drink was famous since ages ago (6) The G’s for Gay (4) See 6A for clue.

This town has many unbelieva___ puns (5) Chloe haunts this place over the hill; still! (11) Brownlee’s fat ass couldn’t save this place [name split up for xword] (12) Slogan: The Way NZ Used To Be (6) Town of Southern Steampunk Cosplayers (6) Don’t stop here, head straight for 16A (7) OG Capital (7)

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20) This week marks the last days of Pisces. Take some time to reflect on your relationships and the happenings of the past month. It’s likely your brain will be preoccupied with making bank (mine i$) so take advantage of this and start researching some ways to make a little extra cash. Be careful of injury this week, particularly in your knees and shins. (Don’t tell your mum I said so, but selling feet pics online is v lucrative.)

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) The moon and Saturn move along your fifth house in the first half of this week, creative streams may run dry but now’s a good time for strategising. However, you may be compelled to daydream and get ahead of yourself, and it’s likely you’ll piss someone off in the process.

Check in with your friends and workmates. You are what you eat, so ripe late-summer stone fruit should sweeten you up sufficiently.

Aries (March 21 - Apr 19) Monday marks the beginning of a chaotic period, but right now you possess the energy to use it to your advantage. Expect a pleasant surprise mid-week, perhaps buy a scratchie? Pay extra attention to instruction manuals and advice from your mum — temperamental Mars is ready for action, and you’re prone to bouts of hubris.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22) Sorry for the TMI but for all uterus-bearing Librans: now is a terrible time to get pregnant.

Get a script for condoms from student health. You may feel like your concentration is compromised and your brain is stagnant. Eat tart foods and run in the rain, try to make your home as cosy as possible, have a wine with your flatmates.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) Now is the time to say what you need to say, make agreements, and tie loose ends. Mercury enters retrograde on Saturday and is likely to fuck up communications. Jupiter’s retrograde will come with relationship breakdowns and trust issues. Your gut is not your voice of reason this week, seek advice from Scorpios and Aquarians.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Something will be nagging you this week. Call your loved ones to check in on them, and make sure you have enough groceries. Check your bank balance often, as last fortnight’s impulses for retail therapy haven’t waned just yet. Avoid too much salt, as Mars is likely to fuck a bit with your blood pressure.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Things may seem slow this week, but be wary of rushing to make up for it, someone may be out to get you — think twice about that email from the Eastern European prince. Don’t exhaust your emotional capacity while supporting others. Plant some root vegetable seeds, don’t wash the dirt from under your nails.

Sagitarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Your ruling planet, Jupiter, has entered retrograde and will appear a little dimmer in the sky. This means you may have to work a little harder to keep motivated, and it’s likely you’re going to have to be more independent than usual. Look in the mirror lots and sleep in the middle of the bed.

You might have a little more fun at parties come the weekend, maybe buy some booze that’s a little fancier than NZ Lager.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Venus and Mercury are doing you a favour this week, you’ll be feeling a little more motivated to organise your life. However, it’s unlikely your flirting game will be particularly strong this week. Please, don’t ask the Dakota bartender for their number. They’re just not that into you. Buy something for your achey joints.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) The moon transitions through your sign this week, which is likely to make you lean a little more to the conservative side than usual. It will transition to spiritual Aquarius then idealistic Pisces soon enough, so don’t go like, joining the Young Nats or whatever. Watch Vine compilations and try to get the blood flowing through your laughing muscles. Wave at babies in the supermarket.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) ~ Lower your expectations! ~ Your efforts may not seem so fruitful this week, but be patient, this is the last week of the astrological year and good things are bound for you as we enter Aries on the 21st. You may feel a little vulnerable — hang out with your most patient friends. Get a flu jab, your immune system is taking a bit of a hit.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Unfortunately, some unexpected expenses are likely. Maybe you’ll chip a tooth, or perhaps your flatmate will leave a heater on for a week. Family conflicts are also likely, so the mum-bene isn’t a good solution to this. The position of Venus allows for a good time for any betrothed Aquarians to work on wedding plans, but like, who even gets married these days anyway?

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Congratulations to Annemieke Hendriks, the winner of the colouring in competition. She wins vouchers from Cable Car, Zelandia, and Chow.

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The People to Blame Editor Louise Lin

News Writers Chad White, Bill Bailey, Thomas Campbell, Tori Bright, Liam Powell, Nathan Hotter, Calum Steel, Poppy Donoghue, Vita Molyneux, Shanti Mathias

Designer/Illustrator Ruby Ash News Editor Sasha Beattie

Contributors Marlon Drake, Jack Donovan, Danica Soich, Ruben Toa Kearney-Parata, Johnny Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Hagan Brebner, Gus Mitchell, Alexander Walker, Ellen Legg, Elliot Harris, Lauren White, Shanti Mathias, Anton Huggard, Lily McElhone, Nathan Hotter, Corey Fuimaono, Grahame Woods, Max Tweedie, James Allan, Solomon Esera

Sub Editor Sally Harper Distributor Tejas Kalidas Chief News Reporter Angus Shaw

Centrefold Darci Lenker

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FM Station Managers Kii Small & Jazz Kane

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TV Producers Elise Lanigan & Lauren Spring Contact editor@salient.org.nz designer@salient.org.nz www.salient.org.nz Level 2, Student Union Building, Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington

Advertising Kate Valintine advertising@vuwsa.org.nz 04 463 6982 About Us Salient is employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University Studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Association (VUWSA).

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Complaints People with a complaint against the magazine should complain in writing to the editor at editor@salient.org.nz and then, if not satisfied with the response, to VUWSA. Social Media fb.com/salientmagazine T: @salientmagazine I: @salientgram S: salientmag Contributor of the Week Vita Molyneux Read Salient online at salient.org.nz

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Comic by Anton Huggard, Horoscope by Lily McElhone, Sudoku by Nathan Hotter, & Crossword by Corey Fuimaono

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