Issue 05 | Pills and Thrills

Issue #5

Volume 81

Pills and Thrills

The New Drug on the Block – Pg 16 How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse – Pg 20 Funny Business – Pg 26

CONTENTS EDITOR'S LETTER 3 NEWS Featured News 4 News 6 Political Round-Up 9 Opinion 10 *News* 12 LETTERS & NOTICES 14 FEATURES The New Drug on the Block 16 How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse 20 Funny Business 26 POEM 19 CENTREFOLD 24 COLUMNS Presidential Address 30 VUWSA 30 Super Science Trends 31 Te Ara Tauira 32 UniQ: The Queer Agenda 32 In Our Environment 33 SWAT 34 Ask the Advocate 34 The "F" Word 35 PSC: One Ocean 35 REVIEWS Art 36 Film 37 Podcast 38 Television 39 Music 40 Books 42 Theatre 43 Food 44 ENTERTAINMENT Horoscope 45 Distractions 46

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EDITOR'S LETTER CH-CH-CH-CHANGES I imagined myself as a Lord of the Rings character.

I thought about dreams instead of politics.

You know how sometimes you can feel stuck in a place? Not physically, but like, mindset. The people you meet, the places you go, always the same, and then the minute struggles within that small part of the world become all that matter. High school was like that. Looking back, it seemed ridiculous, but at the same time, perfectly reasonable, that we cared so much about what now seem like trivialities.

Back in town, Parliament has voted to wipe out historic convictions of homosexuality. Fentanyl’s been found in New Zealand. Living Wage has gone up to $20.55 after a series of very complicated calculations. RAs have had their training reduced and rents raised.

Nurses are voting if they should go on strike. Noodle salads at the Lab, and the Krishna lunch, have both gone up by a dollar, and the bread in our flat has gone mouldy again. Kii has gotten it into his head to play Christmas songs and I’m sitting here listening to Little Drummer Boy, feeling the sun burn into my forearms, anxiously anticipating the 6pm print deadline… and so it goes.

It’s kind of a hard feeling to describe.

Another way of putting it… ok, so, I’ve had this dream. I’m flying. I go up towards the sky, and find out that I can’t leave — I’m actually in a room and the stars have been painted on the ceiling.

(I might have just watched The Truman Show at that time). Like that, you know?

That tickling feeling at the back of your mind that there’s a whole world out there, but you can’t quite see it or get to it.

I hope you all do good with your assignments. Deadlines are stressful, being judged based on your writing/thinking merit is stressful… uh I can’t say anything more helpful than that sorry, except that it’ll soon be over. Everything, both good and bad, will be over, and you’ll just be on to the next thing, the next set of reality.

Being enveloped in a place or situation is super easy to do. Your world is only ever as wide as what you’re aware of.

I went tramping over Easter and it was great for a number of reasons, but one of them is that it got me out of that stuck-ness. Bush, skies, blasting rain, and the meditation of walking. Warm crowded huts at night.

LOUISE LIN Editor

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RESIDENTIAL ADVISORS FEEL ILL-PREPARED AS VUW REDUCES TRAINING

ANGUS SHAW Resident Advisors at several university halls have complained about reduced training sessions prior to the intake of students in 2018. A number of RAs have said they felt the training provided this year was inadequate, especially around sensitive topics such as suicide prevention and sexual assault.

and Campus Living, stated that “The review was a reminder that the key role of RAs is to engage students in community life, not to manage issues and incidents.

Decisions made following the review have shifted responsibility for incident management back to senior staff”. She also noted that the review found that RAs were in need of additional training.

This year’s training for RAs was just three weeks, shortened from the five weeks in previous years.

Returning RAs felt that the training was not of the same quality as previous years, although a number of RAs approved of the reduced training times.

Several RAs have told Salient that they believed the reason for the changes was an attempt by the university to reduce costs for hall accommodation services. Dix disputed this claim, saying “the training was reduced in line with the changed responsibilities for RAs following the review. It had nothing to do with reducing accommodation costs”.

The changes to training follow a review held in July 2017, which found that the role of RAs needed to be restructured. Rainsforth Dix, Director of Student 4

Residential Advisors Feel Ill-Prepared as VUW Reduces Training One anonymous source who was involved in the 2018 training told Salient that several RAs communicated to them after the training that they were “waiting for a critical incident to occur, to highlight the inadequacy [of the] training to the outside world”.

At one hall, the Head of the Hall acknowledged that the outside training was inadequate and did provide this feedback to the organisation.

This source said that a number of RAs were “not feeling confident that they were going to be well supported, not feeling confident that they had the tools to address critical incidents”. The source surmised that the restructuring of accommodation services had put many of hall management staff in roles they were not experienced with.

Another significant issue raised about the restructuring of the RA role was the reduced training time left them little time to prepare for incoming residents, with RAs reporting working up to 80 hours in the week prior to residents arriving in halls. While RAs were compensated with overtime for this additional work, many were left wondering if this was the most beneficial way to organise for both for RAs and their residents.

Dix said “We believe that the RAs were given adequate training before the students moved in, however we are happy to receive any feedback as

While the amount that RAs are paid is confidential, it was reported that the rent per fortnight was increased for RAs by $28, according to an RA at one Victoria

A number of RAs were “not feeling confident that they were going to be well supported, not feeling confident that they had the tools to address critical incidents”. we are always looking to improve how we do things and how we prepare our staff”. She added that no official complaints have been made by RAs about their training.

University hall. However, RAs did not receive a corresponding pay increase. “This has just been us shouldering the cost,” they said. This particular RA noted that they had to cancel their student loan repayments to keep up with rent costs. Dix denied this claim, saying “RAs receive an allowance that covers their rent, including any rent increase”.

One particular concern of RAs that spoke with Salient was that the training around mental health incidents was lacking, and many were left unclear what they should in the situation of a mental health crisis for a hall resident.

Training for RAs will continue throughout the year in their own halls. In addition, RAs at all halls will be invited to a follow up session with CoLiberate regarding “Embodied Consent” in April.

Salient’s understanding is that the suicide prevention training was provided by an outside organisation, however we could not confirm which organisation provided the training.

In the suicide prevention training undertaken at individual halls, RAs were told to provide students with a number of a 24 hour counselling service. One RA said that while this was good in theory, a lot of students are not comfortable talking to someone on the phone about such personal information. They wished that there was a more easily accessible counselling service, for first year students especially.

The RA who spoke to Salient lamented the fact that they could not do more for first year students dealing with mental health issues.

A returning RA said of the training, “I felt that I was a lot less prepared to deal with mental illness and stress [of hall residents] this year”.

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NEWS Tertiary Music Schools Face Restructuring

BY PATRICK HAYES

is no longer at the University, it rules out any possibility of me undertaking a Masters at Auckland in the future.”

Students at Victoria University’s New Zealand School of Music (NZSM) were equally concerned about the cuts occuring in Auckland. “I know some very talented and amazing musicians up there, and they certainly do not deserve this,” said Sarang Roberts, a student at NZSM. Another student, who wished to remain anonymous, described the changes as a “serious misunderstanding around how the classical music world operates and thrives”.

A spokesperson for the Auckland University School of Music Students Association had a dire warning for Victoria Students, saying that students should “begin pushing for as much student consultation as they can, so that when this happens to the New Zealand School of Music, they are not taken completely by surprise as we were”.

The Association also speculated that future enrolments in Auckland University’s music school could be adversely affected as a result of the drop in staff numbers. “Often students come to study with particular teachers, rather than for the University itself.”

In a statement released to Salient, Victoria University said that they are not considering a restructuring of their school of music.

“We are committed to maintaining the position of the NZSM as a preeminent school of music within the Asia-Pacific region, and continue to work with Wellington City Council and the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra towards realising a national music centre, with the NZSM as a key player, in central Wellington.”

A proposal to axe five prominent members of Auckland University’s music school staff has been met with harsh criticism by New Zealand’s music community.

The proposed cuts to staff numbers came as a response to the University’s independently conducted review of the music school model. The external review allowed for a more flexible style of learning within the Bachelor of Music degree, and was mostly accepted by students and staff when it was released last year.

The supplementary proposal that followed regarding staff cuts from Head of School Martin Rummel, and Faculty Dean Diane Brand, however, were not.

The proposal at Auckland University is the latest in a string of staff cuts at music schools across the country, with Otago University and Waikato University having experienced similar proposals to cut staff numbers over the past two years. A student at Waikato Conservatorium, Sylvia Neild, said it was “hard to ignore the series of music schools facing these sorts of attacks on conservatory models”.

Several students at Auckland’s music school have also voiced concern over student retention in the context of the proposed staff cuts. Rangimakehu Hall, a music student at Auckland University, stated that “a number of students have expressed their reluctance to stay, should the proposed changes to staffing go ahead”. Another student, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that students will either follow their teachers or go where they feel can provide the best environment for their studies. “I can say that if my teacher

EYE ON EXEC

BY LOUISE LIN I rushed in late. “We’re just talking about hall visits” said Marlon, our President. Last week the Exec visited the halls to talk about how to engage with staff and RAs. A student had approached Marlon about starting an Arts (humanities) Society.

The Exec filmed a video for the Don’t Guess the Yes campaign.

Marlon MC’d at the living wage new wage rate announcement event. He likes those events because there’s positive vibes and free food. The new living wage rate is $20.55.

Marlon got his learner license. The Exec applauded. Jack moved a motion to congratulate Marlon. Marlon acted embarrassed.

Matt, our CEO, organized for Eventbrite to do ticketing for VUWSA events, which will come at a small cost.

Matt met with the Electoral Commission to say they should advertise with us, especially for engaging with the Māori electorate.

Matt reported that VUWSA is looking for a new Advertising Manager.

There was a report on the Sexual Violence Law Prevention Campaign (SVLP). Beth, Welfare Vice President, noted that they need a snappier name.

They met with the Law Society, who “gave us answers in response to our questions”.

The Law Society have created a new 0800 number and an online

platform to deal with complaints. They have formed a new working group to look at how to deal with sexual assault and bullying in law firms, hosted a webinar, and are planning to tour law schools and talk in Ethics classes. Their gender equality charter is to be released soon.

Connor, Clubs and Activities Officer, said that Vic Sports had approached him about holding a sports ball (the dancing kind).

Jack, our Treasurer, said he thinks it’s “cool”.

Connor passed a motion to thank Lars Thompson, as it was his last day as Rostra Editor.

Since it was his last day, Lars had the honour of drawing out the Chat in the Hat. The topic under discussion was “can we have some more teaspoons”. The majority of the Exec said yes, except for Connor and Lars who asked for sporks. Tam asked for mugs, and Beth asked for regular spoons, in addition to teaspoons.

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NEWS

OPIOID FENTANYL FOUND IN NZ

BY VITA MOLYNEUX

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than heroin, and it is easier to hide. In precise doses — usually with a patch placed on the skin — Fentanyl can be used medicinally as a pain relief, however just three milligrams of the drug is able to kill an average sized man. Opioid users who receive heroin laced with Fentanyl will receive a much higher dose than they would have been expecting, which commonly results in overdose and often, death. Virtually indistinguishable from heroin to the naked eye, Fentanyl is responsible for 20,100 deaths in the USA alone in 2016.

According to the New Zealand Drug Foundation, 44% of New Zealanders will try an illicit substance in their lifetime, and National Manager of the New Zealand Needle Exchange Charles Henderson says that heroin use is on the rise.

Naloxone is an opioid antidote that can reverse an overdose if used immediately.

In New Zealand Naloxone is only readily available to ambulances and intensive care paramedics. The argument against a wider release of Naloxone in New Zealand is that heroin use is not high enough to merit the availability of the drug. Police and community members are not able to carry the drug on hand, meaning that opioid overdoses are more likely to be fatal.

entanyl is the newest addition to the drug scene in New Zealand, after traces were found at an unnamed music festival in February this year. The sample was found by the non-profit group KnowYourStuffNZ, as part of undercover drug testing carried out at various music festivals over summer.

Under the Misuse of Drugs Act 1975, it is illegal to provide a venue for drug users to take drugs. This means that any drug testing facilities that might operate at a festival must do so solely by word of mouth, resulting in a lack of knowledge surrounding their existence. According to Wendy Allison of KnowYourStuffNZ, the organisation’s undercover testing at festivals is a “legal grey area”. Allison also said that New Zealand drug laws need updating so that District Health Boards are able to run drug tests for community members as a means of harm reduction.

KnowYourStuffNZ “strongly recommend[s] that users of opioids do not take Fentanyl,” and cautions that “any opioid should be tested for Fentanyl contamination before use”.

Fentanyl testing trips “can detect small amounts of Fentanyl and analogues,” and are available from The Hemp Store.

Fentanyl is fifty times more potent than heroin. It is cheaper

Nursing Strikes

BY THARISHEKA MOHAN public sector nurses have remained flat, due to “ongoing collective employment agreement negotiations”.

Rook was told by her students that many were aware of the pay inequality in place. “They are very aware of what some of the challenges are.”

Access to continuing professional development and study leave was another area which members of NZNO found lacking.

In 2004, nurses withdrew a claim for “mandated nurse-to-patient ratios” in return for a pay “jolt”. They were promised an inquiry into developing a national safe staffing model “no later than July 2006,” however the Nursing Review says most public hospital nurses are yet to see a positive difference in numbers of nursing staff on wards.

National Spokesperson for Health, Michael Woodhouse, thinks it is no surprise that the DHB proposal was rejected.

“Labour spent years talking about how the health sector was underfunded and as a result created the expectation that nurses were in for a big bump in their wages yet the first thing it does when it comes into Government is throw $2.8 billion at tertiary students leaving little money to invest in health and other important areas.”

A new grad nurse who wishes to remain anonymous has been on the job for 3 months. They told Salient that the job had “ups and downs”.

“We always get told through the degree that the real learning starts after and that is definitely true,” they said. “It’s been a beast none of us knew was coming.”

However, they remain hopeful. “Graduate nurses also have a fresher perspective, greenness, and hunger to make things better.”

Nurses Reject 2% Wage Increase Offer; Strike Possible The New Zealand Nursing Organisation (NZNO) has rejected the 2% wage increase offered by New Zealand’s DHB. Roughly 27,000 nurses nationwide came together to vote on the offer before the ballot closed on 22 March.

NZNO will decide if they want to strike in mid April, by ballot vote. Industrial Services Manager Cee Payne has said that a strike is a last resort, if the negotiations with the DHB cannot be settled.

She said, “we don’t want to strike if we can help it, but we want to [tell people] we’re running on an empty tank”. She has said that in the event of a strike, adequate life preserving services in hospitals will be available.

There are many underlying issues that nurses have found within the healthcare system that the NZNO are trying to address.

Unprecedented pressure on nurses in New Zealand has seen hospitals understaffed and nurses overworked, leading to high staff turnover and lower morale.

Helen Rook, lecturer at the Graduate School of Nursing, Midwifery and Health from the Faculty of Health at VUW, told Salient some of her new postgraduate students had told her they were stressed and burnt out, which is common amongst the student body.

Rook said graduate nurses are very aware and affected by short staffing. “Senior nurses [are] leaving DHB... [nurses] have not gotten a lot of support, particularly our new graduate nurses.”

Salary structure has also been an ongoing battle for nurses, who are not incentivised or recognised for experience. A Statistics New Zealand report from December 2017 states that wages for

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News

CLASHES BETWEEN PROTESTERS AND POLICE AT PETROLEUM PROTEST

PHOTO SUPPLIED BY OIL FREE WELLINGTON

BY SHANTI MATHIAS

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uphold the law, while recognising the lawful right to protest,” said Amas.

Michelle Ducat, an organizer of the protest, and Teanau Tuiono, spokesperson, both said that they were “disappointed” at the force used by the police. “[The police’s] job is to protect everybody,” said Ducat.

According to a statement from Oil Free Wellington, one protester was concussed after being pushed by police.

“I was in a blockade, I was at the front of the line, [and] I was literally upside down, [the police] shoved me in the breasts and [it] really hurt, I got scratches on my chest,” said Sarah Atkinson, a Religious Studies and Development Studies student at Victoria University. “The police are very very violent.”

Most protesters believed that their actions would make a difference. “We were here at five in the morning, the idea was to block the doors and keep the delegates out,” said Tuiono. “We have managed to disrupt the narrative and interrupt what they would consider the inevitability of their economics.”

“I don’t know [if it’ll make a difference] but it’s the right thing to do,” said Rob Baigent-Richie, a part of the “SuperGrans” (i.e. anyone over 65) arm of the protest. He wanted his grandson to know that he took a stand.

The protest is part of wider conversation around sustainability.

Jenny Easton, another SuperGran, said “It’s our generation which has helped cause this problem. These blimmin’ industrial people just want to do business as usual. I’ve come all the way from Nelson to tell them that.”

“I want a planet for my grandchildren that hasn’t warmed more than 1.5 degrees,” said Joanna Santa Barbara. Easton, Santa Barbara, and Baigent-Richie all held pictures of their grandchildren. “It’s a balance between not making [the younger generation] too fearful, but making them realise it’s important,” said Jenny.

“There’s no future in oil and gas,” said Atkinson. “[This whenua] has been raped […] by these rich oil fuckers.”

Tuiono had a different message. “Fight the power, kids!” he said, grinning hopefully.

conference hosted by New Zealand’s Petroleum Exploration and Production Association (PEPANZ) from 26 to 28 March in Wellington has provoked protest and police action.

The annual conference is “New Zealand’s premier oil and gas event,” according to the New Zealand Petroleum Conference website, wherein delegates and industry officials “come together to celebrate our petroleum industry”.

A Rally for Climate Justice was held outside the TSB Bank Arena where the conference was held. Protesters tried to block delegates from entering the building and used a “noise blockade” to interrupt the conference because of limited access to interaction with conference attendees. Outside TSB Stadium and Shed 6 protesters banged on the walls, yelled, played music, and used musical instruments. The noise waxed and waned as protesters grew tired or as new ones came.

The main protest was held on 28 March, and saw around 200 people around the stadium at any given time from 5:00am.

Representatives from the Anglican Diocese of Wellington, the environmentalist group 350 Aotearoa, and Oil Free Wellington were in attendance.

“Most of the protesters were polite and expressed their views peacefully but a small number were awful. Some delegates were shoved and personally abused but everyone made it inside and overall the protest didn’t cause any delays,” said Phil Rennie, Communications Manager for PEPANZ. “The energy provided by oil and gas is fundamental to our society and way of life,” said Rennie. “The role of natural gas as a transition fuel has a crucial role to play. [More gas will] be a win-win for both the environment and economy. This is why we think it’s important we keep looking for and developing new resources here in New Zealand.”

Police formed lines to protect conference delegates. Four protesters were arrested, two for assaulting a police officer, one for obstructing public space, and one for a breach of the peace, said Inspector Brett Amas in a statement.

“The role of police at these type of events is to ensure safety and

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POLITICAL ROUND-UP Reform to Tertiary Education Bill The Education (Tertiary Education and Other Matters) Amendment Bill passed its final reading on 27 March 2018.

Introduced in February 2017, the Bill will allow for the Tertiary Education Commission to have more control over provider spending. The amendment implements harsher penalties for crimes punishable under the Education Act 1989, including a $40,000 increase in fines for falsifying student records.

Education Minister Chris Hipkins says that the process for establishing a private tertiary provider will be more rigorous and that applicants would be subject to tests to establish suitability.

“As part of this process, [I] will have to consult and consider the national interest.”

Not-for-profit providers and institutions that source income from enrolments will be more easily distinguishable from all other sections of the Tertiary Education Commission.

Unjust Homosexual Convictions repealed The Labour Government has taken a step toward righting historical injustices with a bill that will quash historical homosexual convictions. The Criminal Records (Expungement of Convictions for Historical Homosexual Offences) Bill has passed its third reading, and will wipe the homosexual convictions of gay men.

Approximately 1,000 men convicted for homosexuality in New Zealand are alive currently.

Sexual relations between men were decriminalised under the Homosexual Reform Act 1986. After the reform, these men still had to keep their criminal record, facing significant amounts of discrimination and difficulty obtaining employment.

In a media statement, Justice Minister Andrew Little thanked those who shared their stories with the Justice Select Committee.

“This Bill empowers those convicted and their representatives by providing an effective way to right the wrongs of the past.”

There was no indication that compensation will be paid to those who are having their convictions expunged, with the Government maintaining that this is only payable when a person is wrongfully convicted.

The Curran-Hirschfeld Scandal The Minister for Broadcasting Clare Curran and former Radio New Zealand (RNZ) Producer Carol Hirschfeld have come under fire after a meeting between the two was not declared to bosses at RNZ. Hirschfeld resigned on 24 March after SMS threads between Curran and

Hirschfeld released under the Official Information Act showed that the meeting was rescheduled a number of times between 3 and 23 November 2017.

The secrecy of the meeting fuelled suspicion that Curran was gathering allies to obtain support to pushback CEO Paul Thomson’s opposition to RNZ’s free to air television model. When Hirschfeld was confronted about the meeting by executives at RNZ, she insisted that the meeting was entirely “coincidental” and was not planned.

Curran apologised to Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern after RNZ bosses misled a select committee about the nature of the meeting. Curran has denied that this meeting was to influence the state broadcaster, and has said she is sorry that Hirschfeld has had to leave her job because of the incident.

- Thomas Campbell

THE PARTY LINE Greens MP and Minister for Women Hon Julie Anne Genter recently came under fire for her comments about "old white men" needing to move on from board positions to make way for younger, more diverse talent.

Is there truth to this statement? What is the best way to approach diversity and representation around decision-making?

VICNATS One of our National MPs put to me recently that it's about a hand up, not a hand out.

That's when real, sustainable social change will happen.

I'd be pretty appalled if I was promoted to a role because some "old white man" (as Julie-Anne so eloquently put it) stepped aside and gave it to me. I have more selfrespect than to consider that a success or a 'win for women'.

The focus has to be on the system itself rather than on superficial 'hand-outs' we need to empower women throughout their careers so they're in the best possible position to secure those top jobs for themselves.

Genter's heart is in the right place, but her choice of words were insensitive, unhelpful, and certainly not becoming of a Minister.

Perhaps next time she should be asking why Jacinda Ardern's Cabinet is only onethird women. That's arguably more of a concern than any company board.

- Kathleen Williams ACT ON CAMPUS Whilst Young ACT is in agreement with the Greens on most social policy, I find Julie Anne Genter’s comments despicable.

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Diversity is fantastic for representation and that is why ACT strongly supports equality of opportunity at the core of everything.

We support positions being chosen on merit rather than on race or gender. Her comments could be described as sexist, ageist and racist. I think it is important that we encourage diversity and equality of opportunity but this can be done without targeting a specific gender, race and age.

The best way to approach diversity around decision making is giving everyone a fair go and choosing roles on merit rather than quotas. The ACT party applied this system when choosing the party list for the last election and we ended up with a diverse group of talent young and old with a 5050 gender balance and we didn’t require quotas. These comments made by Julie Anne Genter only encourage segregation.

Diversity and representation will be achieved when we treat everyone with the same respect and dignity regardless of race, gender or age.

- James Allan YOUNG GREENS The Minister was spot on with her comments that old white men in boards need to move on.

I can hear your racist dad reading this right now and screaming “THEY SHOULD BE CHOSEN BY MERIT” okay Grant, sit down. By Grant’s own silly little logic, all boards as they currently stand are being chosen by merit alone. That’s simply not the case. We know that women, people of colour, those with disabilities and those that belong to other minority groups have a lot to offer, not just with their skillsets and knowledge, but with their lived experience and insight. But they’re still not being chosen. When 84% of NZ’s board members, and 82% of the country’s senior management teams are men, the argument about them being chosen by merit is ignorance at best and discrimination at worst.

The idea that boards should be elected by merit is one that ironically serves in the best interests of businesses. A 2017 Westpac report says that gender balance in management roles could boost New Zealand’s economy by nearly NZ$1bn. At this point, it’s just plain common sense.

Crusty old white men that are well past their expiry date need to be shown the door.

Younger and more diverse board members would have much more to offer. But don’t listen to me, let your ears bleed by listening to Don Brash and you’ll arrive at the same conclusion. New Zealand companies need to cut the racism, cut the sexism, and do better.

- Max Tweedie

OPINION RIDE FOR CHOICE

25 Wellington cyclists have come together in a courageous plea for liberty, demanding the freedom to not wear a helmet while cycling. The Ride for Choice began in Civic Square on Saturday 17 March. Protesters rode fearlessly through Lambton Quay, to the waterfront, and back to Civic Square.

Organiser of Ride for Choice Jeremy Teague said that “as a country we should be ashamed” — one can only assume because of the practically non-existent turn out for the protest. There are definitely things in New Zealand that would call for national shame — so very many things — but not going to a bike helmet protest is not one of them.

In 2006, reports stated that over half of the fatalities of cyclists were due to head injuries, although 94% of adults wore helmets while riding. A 2016 study conducted by the University of New South Wales found that claims of bike helmets causing severe neck and brain injuries were incorrect; using data from Finland, it was argued that eight out of Finland’s 29 cycling fatalities during 2014 would have been prevented by wearing a helmet.

New Zealand, Australia, and Togo are the only countries in the world with strict cycling helmet laws and fines for all ages. When the law was introduced in New Zealand in January 1994, it was for the prevention of head injuries incurred while cycling: “for your own safety, and the safety of other road users”.

Speaking from around ten years of daily road cycling experience, I can name three separate occasions on which if I had I not been wearing a helmet, my life would be drastically different.

Teague and his league of extraordinary cycle-men (cyclepeople), are correct in stating that there are less cyclists in New Zealand now than there were before the legislation was passed in 1994 that required cyclists to wear a helmet.

According to New Zealand Statistics, there was a drop from 200 people cycling a day, pre-legislation, to 20 cyclists a day after the introduction of the law.

Ride for Choice protesters think more people would be cycling if they didn’t have to wear aesthetically displeasing headwear — to hell with safety, apparently. In a statement to Stuff, Ride for Choice protester Daryl Cockburn said “[t] o school children, looking good is the three most important things in their life”, making it clear that while his childhood numeracy lessons have long left him, his childhood insecurities have not.

As a nation we wear silly ear hats while playing rugby; we proudly sport socks and jandals to the supermarket.

I’ve personally witnessed a grown man rollerblading through Wellington adorned with a Dora the Explorer helmet and the hundiest moustache I’ve ever seen – I’d hardly say we are a people dictated by aesthetics. (Or are we a people dictated by weird aesthetics? You tell me.)

I find the Ride For Choice movement pointless and embarrassing, but the overall argument doesn’t particularly offend me. If by some miracle these protesters get what they want, I personally will not riot. HOWEVER. Am I gonna wear my helmet whenever I go on a wee cycle through the streets? Yes. Gee I don’t know I guess I value my brain? I feel insecure about it, don’t judge me guys.

By Olivia Phillip

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OPINION VICCOM HIT WITH MORE RESIGNATIONS THAN TRUMP ADMINISTRATION (ALMOST)

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UWSA is not the only student body to be hit with a shock resignation. Victoria University of Wellington Commerce Students’ Society (VicCom), Pipitea’s poor cousin of Victoria University of Wellington Law Students’ Society (VUWLSS), has had a change of Treasurer and President. Following in the footsteps of Metiria Turei, Andrew Little, John Key, Bill English, Steven Joyce, and VUWSA’s very own Sarah Yzendoorn, fifth year student Jess Lewis resigned as Treasurer behind closed doors in mid-March, with Alistair Ford stepping down as President later in the month.

Losing its Treasurer and President in such quick succession is a huge blow for VicCom. Considering the Society’s list of achievements under Ford’s tenure is as poorly spun as a press release from National claiming to champion of the poor, VicCom will likely prosper under new leadership.

In an exec meeting held on Thursday 29 March, Patrick Miller has been elected as the new VicCom President.

He faces the daunting challenge of saving a floundering society. With their membership list currently unable to be confirmed, and no funding from VUWSA applied for, VicCom has a lot to catch up on.

To the very small niche of people invested in student body politics of Rutherford House, Jess Lewis’ departure is of no huge surprise. VicCom is in a period of unrest. High-flying former President and now Deloitte graduate Regan NelsonClark steadied the ship in 2017 after years of management scandals; his tenure at the helm was generally seen as a success, building relationships and delivering the core services the society was founded to provide.

“Yes, we’ve a few rough weeks with a few bombshells being dropped, but it’s almost a process of weeding out the ones who don’t have the time,” said Miller. He said he looks forward to reinstating VicCom’s cocktail evening.

At the same meeting, Pravin Thayaparan was unanimously elected the new Treasurer, as the only applicant for this role. Fortunately, he fits all of the criteria required of the VicCom Treasurer as outlined in their constitution.

Whoever took the reigns in 2018 would have, to quote R&B heartthrob Miguel, among countless others, a “tough act to follow”.

VicCom must be driven to succeed. The representative body for students of any faculty is vital in providing students with advocacy and support. Any current paying member (however many there are) should expect at the bare minimum a continuation of the services provided in previous years, but this should not be the goal. The current Executive were elected on a platform of delivering value, and like any politician, student or otherwise, should be held to account.

After storming past stiff opposition in the form of a vote of no confidence, that mantle was passed to Alistair Ford. Not much is known of Alistair. The Young Nat extraordinaire and former Massey student flew under the radar in 2017 as VicCom’s School of Economics and Finance Representative.

In some circles, however, his 2018 exploits are a hot topic of conversation. From allegedly storming into a sponsorship meeting unsure of what the sponsor’s three letter acronym name stood for (a claim which Alistair has denied) to installing a new refrigerator in the Society’s office, news of the emeritus President’s so-claimed exploits have been discussed more than Bitcoin was for those two months that it was worth $20k.

While the former Treasurer’s departure is no doubt significant (which aspirational commerce student doesn’t want to be the bean counter?), and Ford stepping aside is a huge blow, the door is now open for the Society to deliver the value that is owed to their students.

By Abigail Magginity

11

*NEWS* "WHAT IS THIS SUB-PAR BETOOTA ADVOCATE-ASS SHIT?"

CUBA-DUPA RUINS WELLINGTON’S SMOKO BREAK

BY RILEY ADAMS-WINCH Last month, in an act of reverse gentrification, local semi-iconic Wellington Festival CubaDupa left thousands of counter-culturalists displaced by thousands of other slightly different counterculturalists.

The wholesome and irreverent festival featured local artists, diverse cuisine, inclusive presentations and events, and a variety of street vendors selling knick knacks. Despite a really out of character Wellington drizzle, the whole event went off without a hitch.

By those introverts shuffling outside for some nicotine infused solace, however, the festival was received entirely differently.

“The entire street was blocked off by people having fun and dressing up. It even looked exhausting, like I felt exhausted,”

said local architecture student, Ryan Wilcox.

“I mean how am I supposed to compete with that?” he said, gesturing vaguely at a grown man wearing a pirate costume. “I’m extremely self-conscious about my fanny pack right now, and honestly I think I’d just like to go home.”

In an informal survey, ~75% of CubaDupa goers reported feeling personally victimised by the festival, with the same ~75% also reporting that the event was still slightly less awful than an afternoon spent walking down Lambton Quay.

With festivities concluding on the Sunday evening, and over 100,000 enjoying the weekend’s diverse itinerary, Wellington’s Port-Royal-chewing twenty-something demographic is expected to refresh itself by mid-April.

VUW RESPONDS TO PRINTING COMPLAINTS

BY DANI MOUNTAIN In a move to make printing on campus more efficient, Victoria University of Wellington has switched its printing services provider from Fuji Xerox to six medieval monks writing on leather parchment.

8/10 students at Victoria in 2018 report being frustrated by the printing services on campus, and 3/10 report having to pick up another part-time job to compensate for how much money the printers swindle from them each year. 9/10 report fantasizing about destroying a printer this semester.

One first-year student told Salient she’d stopped handing in assignments altogether,

UPDATES ON KYLIE JENNER'S BABY Top search results for “Stormi Webster” as of 11:08pm 04/04/2018: (1) “Kylie Jenner flaunts her tiny waist on Instagram”; (2) “Inside Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott’s First Easter With Stormi”; and (3) “Kylie Jenner ‘took paternity test to prove Tyga was not Stormi’s father’, report says”.

Salient can confirm that it continues to give zero fucks about any of this, and acknowledges the irony of googling said spawn on a weekly basis to prove just how few fucks we give.

and was considering her options for dropping out. “I put $50 on my account during O-Week, and in five weeks I haven’t managed to print a single thing.”

Victoria University says that the monks were contacted after Library staff found the constant moans of despair from printing stations in blue zones “unmanageable”. One staffer said in an interview with Salient that the change is “long overdue,” and that the monks are “likely to respond to instruction better” than the old printers.

The switch has also been widely celebrated by students. “It just makes

sense,” said Masters student Tessa Carson.

“I’ve been here 16 years. The printers never fucking work.”

Three monks will be stationed at Pipitea, and three at Kelburn Campus. The Architecture and Design School has been allocated no medieval monks, due to issues surrounding the monks’ capacity for 3D printing.

Vegans @ Vic are currently amid discussions with the monks as to options for providing a vegan alternative to leather parchment.

ARDERN'S NEW ZEALAND

BY TORI BRIGHT

The Kremlin was found culpable for an attempted assassination in Britain last month, after Prime Minister Theresa May put forth compelling evidence of “No Shit”. Announcing the expulsion of several Russian diplomats from the U.K., she urged her allies to take similar punitive measures.

Not knowing the definition of the word “punitive”, Donald Trump is commemorating the attack with the Oval Office’s first ever Bring Your Boss To Work Day — extending an invitation to the White House for Vladimir Putin.

Fed up with being considered

12

inconsequential on the world stage, New Zealand attempted to expel some Russian spies of our own — a mission cut short when we were unable to find any.

If there were any spies “we would have already taken action,” said Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.

Ardern has applauded popular Facebook page “Does New Zealand Exist?” for their successful disinformation campaign that may have dissuaded any intelligence officials from attempting to gather information here.

*NEWS*

ED SHEERAN MAYOR OF DUNEDIN

BY SHANTI MOHAN

Ed Sheeran was been elected as the new mayor of Dunedin, ahead of his three shows in the city over Easter weekend.

“It made sense [to have a new mayor]. Sheeran’s acknowledgement of our city is the best thing to happen to Dunedin since we were the first place to export frozen meat in 1882. No, better,” said Wed Kherr Ahn, a spokesperson for the Dunedin City Council.

“Just by turning up for three days in this godforsaken hole he has shown that he cares more about this city and its future than anyone else has, ever.”

Dunedin residents were happy about the news. “I voted for him,” said Bed Tearan, 72. “I haven’t been able to have a conversation without his name coming up for the past year, so he must be important. I gather he’s a politician who does music on the side, a bit like Jacinda.”

“We’ve been doing great trade in Ed Sheeran tattoos,” said Fred Hearman, who runs Castle on the Hill, a tattoo parlour in North Dunedin.

Paty Kerry, the only non-Ed fan in the city, responded to reports that Dunedin is to rename itself “Ed-was-in” with scorn.

“Why are we humiliating ourselves like this? I’m just thinking out loud here… his music is bland, and his politics non-existent. He’s not perfect for this place, and he doesn’t deserve to be mayor. I think of him, and I see fire.”

Dunedin’s new mayor did not respond to requests for comment.

NEXUS MAG GOOGLES "NEXUS", REBRANDS

BY DAMON DICE

Rebranding is underway at Waikato’s Nexus Magazine, after Editor Lyam Buchanan discovered what “nexus” actually means.

Buchanan allegedly caved and googled the word in early April after weeks of being asked about its meaning.

“Nexus” — defined as a “central link or connection” — was reportedly deemed “wildly out of touch with Waikato culture” by majority vote in the emergency Nexus contributors’ meeting that followed Buchanan’s discovery.

While the Nexus meeting was largely in agreement that Hamilton hasn’t been the nexus of anything since it was dethroned as the STI capital of New Zealand in 2016, not everyone voted in favour of the rebrand.

“I think ‘nexus’ resonates,” said one Nexus contributor, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, you can’t get to Auckland without going through the Waikato.”

The rebrand comes after Nexus and the University of Otago’s Critic offered to purchase Salient in a “joint formal offer” on 23 March.

Nexus was willing to contribute $750 and 1500 Hell’s Pizza discount vouchers (redeemable only at the Hillcrest store

in Hamilton) to the purchase of Salient.

Critic, known almost exclusively for its booze column(s), sweetened the deal with an additional $750, a “slightly used” Fifa 06 for PlayStation 2, and a pack of breath mints.

It remains unclear at this time if Buchanan will be forced to rescind his hand in the offer in order to meet the considerable cost of buying Nexus out of obscurity.

Salient Editor Louise Lin called the offer “tempting,” but said she couldn’t accept it in good conscience. “I can only guess how expensive it’s going to be, attempting to buy relevance.”

VUWSA President Marlon Drake declined comment, apparently unaware that Waikato had a student magazine.

While the official shortlist remains undisclosed at this time, the Salient office sweepstake has “Critic Jr” pegged as a likely rebrand.

BALLS > COMPASSION: THE AUSTRALIAN WAY

BY JESSY JONES

With “Manus Island refugees” bringing back 279,000 hits on Google next to “Australia cricket cheating” bringing back 1,160,000 hits, Australia has once again proved it cares more about playing with balls than actual breathing human beings.

The Australian Government has been sluggish to show initiative when it comes to real living people stuck fearing for their lives in figurative hell, but after a ball tampering scheme was uncovered during the Australian cricket team’s third test match against South Africa in March, a national referendum on the moral authority

of the one of Australia’s oldest institutions immediately took place.

Ex-Australia captain Steve Smith and batsman Cameron Bancroft have been handed one-year bans, after Bancroft was caught on camera using sandpaper to tamper with his ball. Similar to any other Australian male caught on camera rubbing a ball, Bancroft subsequently put it back in his trousers and acted like nothing happened.

Lauded as the bastions of fair play, mostly by other white Australians, the scandal has caused diplomatic crises both at home and

13

abroad. Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull expressed his disappointment in the team in early April, calling it “the beginning of the end”.

“The House and the public will forgive a lot of things because they don’t really care about them, take the situation in Papua New Guinea for example. But to be associated with a ball-tampering scandal?

I’ll be replaced before Steve Smith’s ban is up.”

No one can corroborate if Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern will expel any Australian diplomats at this stage.

LETTERS Who wrote the crossword? what the fuck. fucking how?

Sincerely, Paige 5 hours later Hi, We completed the crossword after many hours of learning about a whole world of terrible tv we didn’t know existed. we also learnt to never google anything including the phrase “fucking your grandma.”

Sincerely, Paige Corey’s response: “remember your parents saying that you should eat your greens? see this as a nudge from me that you should watch a bit of shit tv every once in a while. apart from that, i'm proud of you” Today’s mood is brought to you by the impending frustration you feel when you look at the salient crossword but it’s not your niche so you can’t figure out ANY of the clues @salientgram fix it badmemes vic Hi salient This is going to sound cheesy but I just want to acknowledge this article for it’s truth and substance. I’m a first year student and for a while now have been battling to confront my mental health. I felt Sasha articulated everything that I felt and wanted to say how greatful I am that you make articles like this. Thank you for validating and shining a light on an important subject.

Thank you Anonymous

LETTER OF THE WEEK Alright Salient, we need to talk...

I see everyone complaining about the crossword (or lack thereof ) and then I see its miraculous return but I gotta ask...

Where my Word Search at?

You know that all these nerds are just asking the same damn things for a chance at the free stuff so show your true fans some love and bring them back!

But seriously, loving the work you guys are putting out this year so far. Humour is through the roof but the realness is still down to earth. The articles just keep on getting better, either that or uni life is really getting to me.

In regards to new ideas, I was thinking that there might be a hidden gem in the cover of this week's issue : Paper Planes.

An article describing another way to use the left-over paper in creative or practical ways. A sort of "Arts and Crafts" section to ease the nerves of any procrastinating student with a pair of scissors.

Either way, loving it so far everyone, keep it up!

Sincerely, Paperboy for the NES. Send us letters to editor@salient.org.nz otherwise we are just over here playing with ourselves. Your feedback and opinions are valid (maybe). *Letter of the Week wins a double day pass to Zealandia

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16

The New Drug on the Block The opioid crisis is a real thing. Fentanyl was found in New Zealand. Let’s talk about what this means and why it matters.

with other white powders and selling it as heroin or OxyContin. Since it’s so potent, it’s incredibly easy to overdose — just a few grains too many will kill you. 3mg is enough for an overdose. All that needs to happen is a drug dealer is slightly off in their measurements.

In the U.S., there has been a 540% increase in deaths from Fentanyl overdose in the past three years. The United States Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) seized 239 kilograms of illegal Fentanyl from August 2013 through the end of 2015.

Prescription pain relievers, the most common of which are methadone, oxycodone (such as OxyContin), and hydrocodone (such as Vicodin), are all opioids. The drugs we hear and talk about the most are heroin and morphine, which are derived naturally, and Fentanyl, a drug that is synthesized in a lab. Opioids are prescribed to dull pain, but they also boost dopamine, giving some people a high. They can also slow down your breathing, and are highly addictive.

It makes sense from an economic point of view: heroin requires a lot of effort to transport. It is moved by truckloads, and it is expensive to produce at a high quantity. According to the DEA, Fentanyl provides a high profit margin for traffickers. If a particular batch has two milligrams of Fentanyl per pill, approximately 500,000 counterfeit pills can be manufactured from one kilogram of pure Fentanyl.

It’s no secret that the United States of America has an opioid epidemic that’s out of control. They have the worst drug overdose rates in the world. There were more than 64,000 drug related deaths in the U.S. in 2016. That’s a 22% rise from the 49,369 drug deaths recorded the previous year. Two thirds of those deaths were from opioids, and nearly a third of those deaths were due to Fentanyl.

Fentanyl was found in New Zealand The opioid crisis in the United States sets the stage for an alarming discovery: Fentanyl has been found in NZ at a music festival in February by KnowYourStuffNZ, a non-profit drug testing organization. Fentanyl has also been stopped by Customs at the border of our country. KnowYourStuffNZ says they don’t know how prevalent Fentanyl is throughout New Zealand.

Back in October 2017, President Trump called the opioid epidemic a “national shame”, and declared opioid abuse a public health emergency. Recently, he announced his plans to combat the epidemic through an advertising campaign to discourage drug use, expanding addiction treatment, as well as pursuing a harsher and stricter approach when it comes to law enforcement.

The worsening situation in the U.S. should serve as a cautionary tale to us. Health Quality & Safety Commission New Zealand reports that rates of opioid prescription in NZ are increasing. The number of people who were prescribed a strong opioid at least once in a year has risen from 63,000 people in 2011 to 77,000 people in 2016. Fentanyl prescriptions have also risen drastically; 3410 New Zealanders were prescribed Fentanyl in 2011, compared with 8368 in 2017. Of those given Fentanyl, 23% took it for six or more weeks (fun fact about pesky prescription drugs: the longer you take them, the more dependent you become, the more likely you are to become addicted).

Pathologist Dr. Paul Morrow notes that opioid-related deaths in NZ rose 33% from 2001 to 2012. 11 New Zealanders have died from Fentanyl since 2011.

How did this epidemic come about?

It began in the 1990s. Legal opioids OxyContin and Percocet were on the market. There had been a single study done on the harm and addictiveness of opioids, by Jane Porter and Dr. Hershel Jick. They had written in New England Journal of Medicine in 1980 that “the development of addiction is rare in medical patients with no history of addiction”. Also, Jick told the Washington Post in 1977 that less than 1% of patients he studied died from a reaction to prescription painkillers. Pharmaceutical companies milked this information to the max, using this evidence to persuade doctors to prescribe these new miracle drugs for effective relief for long term and chronic pain. Many patients became addicted. When they lost access to prescribed painkillers, they turned to buying heroin on the street to get their fix.

New Zealand isn’t prepared for a crisis. Opioidrelated deaths are rising. Rates of Fentanyl use are increasing. More people are being prescribed the drug, and they’re taking it for a long period of time.

New Zealand may not be going through an epidemic as severe as that in the United States, but that is not to say that opioids are not an issue on home soil. It is important that the New Zealand Government takes steps to become better prepared.

Fentanyl is the new drug on the block. It’s been in use for pharmaceutical purposes since the early 1990s but recently, it’s become more and more prevalent on the black market. It’s 100 times stronger than morphine, 50 times stronger than heroin, cheap to manufacture, easy to move, and dealers have been mixing it 17

What about testing?

To reduce the risk of Fentanyl, KnowYourStuffNZ outlines three policy recommendations for the Government to consider.

They ask that the Misuse of Drugs Act be updated to allow for forensic drug checking. Wendy Allison, director of KnowYourStuffNZ, said “lots of drug users say that they trust their dealer, but there is no way for the dealer to know unless they have access to testing, so really testing is the only way to be certain of what you’ve got”. Overdoses and bad reactions from taking a wrongly identified drug could be avoided.

Another step they suggest makes mention of Naloxone, an affordable and easy to use drug which is crucial in opioid drug overdoses as it blocks the effects of opioids. In an approved emergency overdose kit, Naloxone is legal. However, it is only available on prescription. KnowYourStuffNZ argues that if Naloxone is made readily available to opioid drug users and their friends, death due to opioid overdose can be avoidable.

Clark has launched an independent inquiry into drug addiction, including the classification of Fentanyl.

Currently Fentanyl is a Class B drug, the same class as MDMA. Reclassifying it up to Class A will put it in the same class as LSD and magic mushrooms. Allison argued against re-classifying Fentanyl higher. “Reclassifying it won’t make any difference in the illicit market but it makes access to the drug more difficult for legitimate users.” In fact, Allison believed that the classification system outlined in the Misuse of Drugs Act 1975 makes no sense and the Misuse of Drugs Act does not fit its purpose, which is to reduce drug use and drug harm. She said we should “just scrap the whole thing and start again based on evidence".

Allison said KnowYourStuffNZ wasn’t intending to cause a nationwide frenzy. She said, “we found the Fentanyl and we put out a press release and I’ve spent most of my time since then telling people not to freak out”. She believes that the onus is on the organization to tell people when they find things of concern. “But what we don’t want is for everyone to think that we’re going down the track with America, because it’s unlikely.”

just a few grains too many will kill you They also urge the Government to implement an effective drug Early Warning System. Currently, government agencies such as Customs, Police, and emergency departments collect information about drugs, but it’s not shared with the public.

KnowYourStuffNZ believe that the information about dodgy drugs that these agencies collect should be shared freely with the people of New Zealand, so we can be informed about the current trends and dangers of the illicit drug market.

Health Minister David Clark has declined to speak with Salient on this matter. A One News article has reported that he is unwilling to legalise drug testing.

“As the law stands there is no wriggle room. Anyone can work out that as soon as you make one aspect of it legal that has implications right down the system," he said.

Allison disagrees with that stance. “People choose to use drugs despite punishment being inflicted on them, and in some countries that punishment is death.”

She says that drug testing is, in fact, “one of the more successful interventions that are making people change their minds about using drugs”. Around half the drug users choose not to take a drug when they were told by KnowYourStuffNZ it’s not the same drug they thought it was.

I don’t know if we’re going to go down the same track as America. Maybe we won’t. But I’d prefer our Government put in place preventative measures now, rather than waiting for the crisis to hit. If it weren’t for KnowYourStuffNZ, the New Zealand public wouldn’t have known that Fentanyl was being disguised as heroin and sold on the street — yet we still won’t legalize the work they do.

With Fentanyl found in NZ, the threat of an opioid crisis is here, now, and it’s time to talk about it.

18

Lost Sometimes I’m lost I can be wandering for hours in a pool of mascara and clothes that But just before the rain comes and leaves me mud-bound A warm gentle voice tells me that I’m a fuckwit And throws me the map I left on the bathroom shelf - Gabbi Jones

submit poems to poetry@salient.org.nz

19

don’t fit me anymore

It has to happen at some point. Half a decade of terrible special effect films and horror literature can’t be wrong. It’s written in the stars and on our paperbacks. One day, a virus will spread and turn half the population of Earth into man-eating killer zombies. Rip out this handy instructional article and keep it on you at all times, just to be safe.

First you’re going to need some means of self defence.

Zombies are strong and almost indestructible.

Apparently the best way to kill a zombie according to Google (and based on many extensive, reputable, and first-hand scientific studies, I’m sure) is to injure its brain — so after a lot of thought and weighing the options, I would recommend injuring its brain. Ideally we would all own shotguns to blow off zombie-heads, but this isn’t America. One source suggests rifles are preferable to handguns, but I don’t think we can be picky, do you? If you own a sword, firstly, take a look

at yourself and ask yourself why you own a sword.

Then, flail that sword to the best of your ability, you glorious weirdo. You’ll probably outlive us all. The rest of us should stock up on bats, saucepans, spears, and other heavy things, and stash them around the house in case you need to bash in someone’s brain at short notice.

A gun is, of course, preferable to a knife or a club, because it doesn’t require you to get close to this animated assortment of decomposing limbs in order to kill it. However, a gun without a silencer (and who owns a silencer, that’s 20

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse fucking suspicious?) obviously makes a ton of noise.

This will alert more zombies to your presence and bringing a plague of them to your doorstep. Try not to shoot everything that moves, as this will also waste ammo, but fuck it, if it’s coming at your face, pull the trigger. Hopefully you’ll have enough bullets to just shoot the rest when they get here.

by being compassionate. You can force them out of the house, or gently help them find the light. I’m not going to give you ideas on how to kill your flatmates, because I’m sure you’ve already considered them.

Water is going to be a hot commodity (literally, you’re going to boil it). If the virus turning everyone crazy is airborne, you’re pretty screwed anyway, so let’s assume it’s spread through direct contact.

This puts your water supply at risk of contamination. Zombie dies in reservoir, water comes from reservoir, you drink water, you ingest molecules of zombie, you become zombie. Don’t do that. Boil your water. As soon as the outbreak occurs, fill every vessel in your house — including your bath — with clean, sacred tap water (or filter, if you’re a little bit fancy). You might even need to sacrifice that week old Pinot Gris in the fridge and use the bottle for storing water. Don’t worry, the time for wine will come again.

Frustratingly, multiple sources promote the idea of barricading yourself in your home and waiting it out.

While this is a seemingly obvious solution, you might want to rethink it. Barricading zombies out means trapping yourself in for the foreseeable future. This means you’re going to need a fridge the size of a small lecture theatre to sustain you, and not even Chaffers New World is up to providing all the people in Wellington with enough food for more than a week. Barricading yourself in also means limiting your own exits. One website helpfully suggests we “barricade all entrances and stay put at all costs,” and then in the next bullet point warns, “Don't get surrounded or backed into a corner or other enclosed space”. Good luck figuring out that paradox. My flatmate suggested barricading your house from the outside, and we all just looked at him for a minute until he realised that was perhaps that’s the worst solution since Jack gave Rose the whole damn door.

Start an exercise regimen. Whether you’re on the move or barricaded in your house, staying fit to fight or run is essential. This also keeps you busy and not thinking about your likely death by zombie consumption. Cut the yoga crap — when designing a fitness schedule, factor in punching things, burpees, crunches, and shuttle runs. Use the hallway to its maximum potential and really piss off your flatmates!

If your flat is more of a shit crib than a phat flat, you’ll need a better place of refuge.

Consider joining forces with a neighbour or nearby yo-pro flat — that’s sure to be a winner, did you hear they sometimes get paid more than minimum wage?

Cover the windows. Lock and barricade the doors.

Stay in rooms with multiple exits. Keep your groups small, and more importantly, don’t let your feelings get in the way of your survival. If a mate starts foaming at the mouth, kill them. I don’t care if she shouted you a drink at Estab that one time, or you’ve known him since year 4, whatever. They’re done for, and you’re just endangering yourself and the rest of your group

There’s only so long you can stay a sitting duck before you run out of food, or a band of zombies knocks down your front door. You know those hamster toys where there’s a bunch of food inside a ball, and the hamster has to work to get it out? I don’t think I need to explain this comparison. Flats in Wellington barely keep out the wind, let alone a zombie, and therefore I recommend you only barricade yourselves in as a short term solution until you can suss suitable transport (NOT the bus, idiot) to get as far away from the city as possible.

21

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

Take a torch. Pretty fucking obvious. Your iPhone is gonna last all of three minutes and guess what’s more frightening than realising you didn’t press submit on Turnitin? That’s right, zombie in the dark.

Take a pet. The right dog will be a useful guardian and can alert you to intruders.

The wrong dog will at least be a nice companion, as long as you don’t mind sharing your food. This is usually the point where someone makes a joke about eating the dog when times get tough. Personally, I would first eat the person who made that joke.

Zombies will stay where the people are, so when you grow bored of doing push ups and drinking water that tastes of Pinot Gris, pack the car with the essentials, and get the hell outta dodge. It’s likely most of you don’t have a car, or a bike, or a even skateboard to escape on. I’m not sure about you, but the image of someone gliding away from a group of zombies on a longboard is the slickest thing I can imagine, but perhaps not entirely practical. In this case, try to repossess a car or bike left behind in the panic.

Any car you “borrow” should ideally be a big four wheel drive, so you can pack lots of food and run things over and drive really fast through locked gates like they do in the movies.

Pack containers of petrol and supplies of clean water (and if you mix these up, we can chalk it up to natural selection and move on).

Roads may be blocked, so prepare for off-roading, and avoid tunnels and dark, enclosed areas. Above everything, stay. In. The. Car.

So you’ve made it through the first few weeks alive.

Wanna keep keeping alive? ‘Course ya do, you’ve got a student loan to repay! Once you’ve made it out of the city, you can build your own little house on the prairie and live a reclusive, silent life. Nice!

Head north to the country. Get lost in a forest where you’d have to trip over yourself for days to find the road again. Build a shelter. Find water. Start a veggie patch. Zombies aren’t likely to trouble you off the beaten track for a good long while, and by then, the virus might be under control and humanity can rise again, just as dumb and naive as before.

Take a radio. Staying in touch with the outside world is crucial. Like Harry, Ron, and Hermione tuning into Potterwatch on the ol’ wireless, this will keep you in touch with what’s left of humanity. If you’re lucky, a station might even have an unlimited queue of 80s music set up!

23

PINKY FANG // @pinksfang

A Week in Wellington’s Dank Comedy Scene Sitting outside Fringe Bar on a Sunday afternoon can be a grim affair. The tightly drawn, forlorn faces of the daytime pokie-players are a sight to behold as they shuffle in, slow and dejected, about to pour their time, money, and souls into machines that give them blinking lights and broken dreams in return.

There is nothing funny on their minds.

Contrary to this, I sit across from a man with nothing but funny on his mind. Joel Wood is as close to a comedy mogul as it is possible to get in Wellington.

He runs Dank Comedy, a comedic upstart taking the scene by storm. Last year saw them win best show at the Fringe festival, and they have a lot planned for this week to attempt to hold that title.

Dank was started in 2015 as a response to the needs of youth audiences, and presented itself as a more alternative brand of stand up. Joel had moved to Wellington from Invercargill for the DIY music scene.

But by the time he arrived the cooler venues had shut down, and most of the scene with it. In response he turned to comedy — “I definitely see comedy filling a void in youth expression. Dank is definitely modelled on this DIY attitude of the music scene.”

Steady success has seen them grow, as Joel says: “At the start this was just a group of mates putting on a comedy show, which it still is just the shows are much bigger. We can now do things like fly people down from Auckland, and the spots are much more sought after.” Even though things are getting bigger for Dank, the focus is still very much on building the profiles of young comics: “We are trying to use Dank to launch careers. All our bookings are strategic, all our shows have the focus of getting the comedian’s name out.”

I am about to spend a week immersing myself in the strange and hopefully funny world of the Wellington comedy scene.

26

NIGHT 1: Raw Meat Monday

NIGHT 2: Jerome Chandrahasen

It’s 8:25 pm and I’m already faded as fuck because I spent way too much time with my cat Cheeseburger today and have started to take on her cat mentality. I am having cat hallucinations. Out of the corner of my eye I see a man licking his arm, and in front of me a woman coughs up a hairball into her glass. I make a mental note to kill my cat before they completely take over my mind. Pop punk is blasting out of the house speakers as the Fringe bar team bring half-hearted punters to the front rows. I am crouched in a corner, head hung low curled over the single beer that the Salient feature writers budget affords me. I hope it will last the night.

Jerome and I sit in the back corner of Fringe bar, facing away from the pokies. Jerome has a friendly face half covered by a thick salt and pepper beard and talks excitedly with passion about comedy in Wellington. Jerome is a comedian and the president of the Wellington based Humourous Arts Trust, a charity organisation set up in 2010 to be able to more professionally foster the Wellington Comedy scene. It is the Humourous Arts Trust that set up the Raw Meat show last night, but this is just one of the many things that they do. In giving me the elevator pitch of the group Jerome says their aims are three-fold: 1. Create financial capital 2. Create social capital 3. Create creative capital.

The room is fairly full, considering this is a night for fresh and seasoned comics to try out new material, and can often go awry.

He says that basically, he just wants to “make fun stuff”.

Jerome thinks the “success of Wellington comedy is seen in the relationships between comedians”. Over the years there has been a marked shift in the direction of Wellington comedy. Previous eras have seen a far larger student base for comedy with now-household names of Flight of the Conchords, Taika Waititi, Dai Henwood, and Ben Hurley all cutting their comedic teeth while students in Wellington.

Since those days, the increase of money that comics can get has seen a wider range of people get on the mic: “More money has meant more diversity, people who are working full time now have the incentive to drive out from the Hutt to perform a set.”

Jerome finishes his drink and imparts a final wisdom to me, summing up a lot about what he has learnt from many hard yards working in the comedy scene.

The lights go down and the MC walks out. He tries his hand at warming up the crowd, but he is either drunk or just naturally disinterested. The crowd gives him a cold response, which causes him to give up on warming the room and he flees off stage, throwing the comedians headfirst into the drink.

The thing about Raw Meat Mondays is that what you are watching is not so much comedy as performed self-mutilation. The comics come out and are not giving you their material honed to guarantee laughs. No, they are trying out the dreaded “New Jokes”, ideas half-concocted and half-baked. Some land, but most fall flat on their faces.

It is incredibly commendable to watch a human being elect to walk on stage and be burnt alive by a group of their peers. These comedians are ripping their guts out trying to make the audience laugh. Although most fail, they fail graciously, bombing so hard it is not something at all to pity, but to marvel at in awe and respect.

“Laughter is hard, that’s why you pay for it.”

NIGHT 3: Dank Chilli Night The heat is in the air Wednesday night at Fringe bar.

Comedians and punters alike pace nervously around the bar, drinking as much liquid as they can because however hot it feels at present, it is only going to get hotter. The name of the game is chillies, and the aims of the game are sadism and masochism. The sadism of a crowd of punters who payed to watch people destroy their mouths for a joke, and masochism for the comedians willing to do it. Earlier in the week Joel told me that he enticed punters into attending the show with the line: “It’s gonna get fucked.”

In my opinion the show starts off pretty fucked with the wild-eyed crazy MC David Correos leaping onto the stage with an unhinged energy that leaves one laughing in fear of what this man might do. David plays his cards with an open hand and a naked body, immediately stripping down to his jockeys. The crowd laughs but this is not enough for Correos he grabs

In my opinion the jokes that seemed most susceptible to bombing were the edgy ones: school shootings, child castration, graphic sexual content, brutal selfdeprecation. The audience is much more likely to withhold their laughter if the content is more shocking than funny. The jokes that worked were the simple observations that everyone could relate to. My favourite joke of the evening came from comedian Jundas Capone who said through a pronounced nervous jitter, “So, uh, first-years are back in town now…,” a pause before he erupts with, “FUCK!” The night was to witness comedy, raw, unaltered, and unpractised.

27

Funny Business the mic and starts screaming, “Who wants me to take them off!? Who wants to see me take them off!?”— confused cheering from the audience — “Alright I’m gonna do it!” and in one fell swoop he rips off his jockeys to reveal a smaller pair of colourful women’s underwear.

When the comedians came on stage I quickly realised that the chilli element of the show was not just a gag or a bit, but something much more real. The comics were absolutely destroying themselves on chilli. It was not just a single pepper they were eating either, they were grabbing handfuls of the stuff chewing, crunching, and then washing the hot mess down their throats with shots of hot sauce. Red spice and saliva rolled down chins and tears flowed freely from the pain. Some jokes were told in the midst of all of this, although more vomiting than punchlines were seen. It was like watching JACKASS: Live on Stage. The final comic was a young man named Joel Hansby. It was his job to eat a single California Reaper, the hottest chilli in the world. Joel’s reaction to the chilli was not only to sweat and cry like the others. He also lost his goddamned mind. He was as great a comic as you can be when your brain is being fried by the heat of a pepper that is 600x hotter than a Subway Jalapeno.

After the show I sought him out to give him a hug as he sweated through his shirt, pupils dilated to differing degrees of cognition, hallowed eyes of someone 7 hours deep on a 6 hour trip. I told him I liked the show and he said, “Thanks, but I need to lie down for like 5 hours”.

NIGHT 4: Dank Magic Night As I sit down near the back of the crowd I notice that they have gotten the sparkly curtain out for this one.

Which makes sense, because tonight’s show is going to be a magical event.

To be perfectly honest there was not a lot of comedy going on, but the magic more than made up for things.

It is always a wholesome experience to watch true to life magic nerds wow an audience with their hardlearned tricks. After the show Joel was as excited as a kid, telling everyone within earshot outside, “How awesome was that?”

Tonight’s show has sold out. Not a small achievement with the amount of other Fringe shows going on.

Janaye Henry walks out as MC, she wears a fluffy yellow jacket which looks like it could be the fur skinned off some minor character in Monsters Inc. She warms the crowd up brutally, a trial by fire, immediately asking for names and questions and job description from punters. There will be no hiding under darkness tonight.

The show kicks off with a great set from Gabby Anderson who pulls from her Catholic past to great comedic effect, without relying on the tired crutch of church-bashing. Another great comic was Jundas Capone. He jittered on stage with his strange energy and a nervous smile. My favourite joke of the night goes to him: He announces, “I am now going to do some impressions,” a breath, “this is an impression of my Dad,” in a deep moronic tone, “blah blah blah blah blah”. This joke knocked me for six. The headline act was the incredible Li Alimoana. His energy was probably my favourite moment of the whole week. He has such a positivity about him, and his jokes made you feel good. He swears a bit, but you get the feeling that he wouldn’t have to cuss at all to make you laugh, a rare thing in this era of “edgy” comedy. He uses his multi-cultural family as fodder for his comedy, but in a positive way that makes you feel good about living in a community where such cultural mixing can happen, and be laughed at, with relative ease.

The show was a cracker way to finish off what had been a Dank week. Outside the venue I had a yarn with a couple of first year kids who had left the haven of Te Puni to brave downtown for the sake of a few laughs. I asked them what they thought of the show.

“Oh it was all good ai! Comedy is fucking sick!”

Yeah, I guess it is.

NIGHT 5: Dank 29 A man walks into a bar for the fifth time in a week.

This sounds like the start of a joke, but it is simply what my life has become. Comedy has sapped all sense of reality out of my daily toil, and now I am stuck in an existential loop of punchline after punchline, meaning nothing but laughter in the crowd around me. I can’t wait to get inside.

28

Columns

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS

VUWSA

MARLON DRAKE

GEO ROBRIGADO

Kia ora e te whānau, two bits of good news this week.

Kia ora, mabuhay, salut (I still have at least five more ways of saying that)! I am Geo, your campaigns officer. No I am not studying geography or geology (I am doing a conjoint LLB/BA in International Relations & Political Science) nor am I named after the Earth (okay that was corny). Kids in the Philippines — where I’m from — love giving themselves nicknames, especially when you share the same name with ten other people. That hasn’t been much of an issue since I moved to New Zealand in 2013, but the name has stuck.

Back home in Auckland I have two cats, Tim and Duncan (named after my favourite basketball player and the GOAT Tim Duncan). They’re twin brothers, a lovely pair of tabby cats. About four and a bit months ago, Duncan disappeared. This hit the family hard, especially Tim. He would come home and meow heaps, which was very unlike him, and he seemed very depressed. “Where is Duncan?”, is what I imagine he was asking. They had been together since birth, and now everything had changed.

Well anyway, the day before I am set to fly to AKL, I get a phone call from dad. The prodigal son had returned. Mum and Dad were out walking and saw a cat that looked like Duncan, and lo and behold it was him, lost in a bush somewhere. Getting to go home and see Tim and Duncan reunited was better than any chocolate Lindt Gold bunny, even if Duncan is a bit weird and feral at the moment (he is readjusting to the domestic lifestyle).

In other good news, after VUWSA’s March on Midland a couple of weeks ago, Harrison from VUWLSS, Beth our Welfare VP, and myself were invited to speak to the president of the New Zealand Law Society. There we expressed the concerns of our students, and began a working relationship with NZLS. We look forward to seeing how this relationship develops in a positive and constructive way, and we will be attending a key interest group meeting with NZLS again soon this month. The NZLS has committed to taking the issue seriously, and are now making some important systemic and cultural change, which we will be a part of, alongside law firms from around the country. This goes to show the power of our voice when we rally together and organize to make change. All of that from one march! It almost seems easy.

As the oldest member of the VUWSA student executive (I’m already 30, but not ready to call myself a “mature” student just yet), I bring to VUWSA and VUW years of experience campaigning – thirteen to be exact. But I find there’s always more things to learn and more people to learn from.

2017 saw two successful student-led campaigns – Fairer Fares, which we will still be working on during its implementation in July this year, and We Have Power, our general election campaign. With these now wrapping up, this year is an opportunity to take a fresh look at what our student campaigns look like for 2018. With a new government in place, I have a feeling that issues important to students are going to get more attention, particularly issues like tenancy and mental health.

So I would love to hear from you guys! A campaign’s success is dependent on the people behind it, and I’m pretty sure the awesome people of Vic have ideas on what they want VUWSA to really push for. If you love campaigning and organising and are passionate about certain issues, let’s have a yarn, could be over some beersies at Hunter Lounge or over splendid coffee courtesy of the awesome people of The Lab (no this is not a paid advert, I just love those guys!).

Hit me up at campaigns@vuwsa.org.nz.

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All That Shimmers Minor spoilers for Annihilation follow.

As a biology graduate and a fan of psychological horror flicks, Annihilation could only be more my jam if they sold it in jars. Despite a few missteps in execution (why doesn’t anyone in the film wear gloves?!?), director Alex Garland has made one of the most scientist-friendly films since Nolan’s Interstellar.

Which got me thinking: are the events depicted in Annihilation actually that weird compared to nature?

The closest thing we have in real life to the film’s weird zone, the Shimmer, is the radioactive area around Chernobyl, which was the site of a catastrophic nuclear disaster in 1986. While the human populated areas have been evacuated, scientists have been using camera traps to document the remaining animals in the region for years, seeing how the deer, moose, foxes, wolves, and other fauna who reclaimed the once industrial areas, have adapted to the radioactivity. But thus far, their mutations are less like growing a third eye like the fish in The Simpsons, and more like debilitating cataracts in the local vole populations. Any long-term genetic change from radiation is difficult to measure, as most of the animal populations move around in groups, meaning the time spent in exposure time varies. Also, the genetic repair mechanisms of different species, and thus their ability to tolerate radiation poisoning, varies from animal to animal.

Obviously, the real spectacle worth the price of admission* for Annihilation are the hybrid creatures.

In the Shimmer, biological laws are “refracted”, creating strange genetic fusions of both animal and plant life; some mesmerising (plants with flowers from multiple species), some terrifying (that goddamn bear). But the most realistic of the film’s creatures is one of its more benign.

Around the midpoint, one character encounters

a deer with flowers growing out of its antlers (its “plantlers”, if you will). Animals form mutually beneficial relationships with plants all the time. Algae is the usual partner, as some animals like sloths allow algae to grow on them as camouflage. The emerald green sea slug takes this one step further, incorporating genes from ingested algae into its body by fusing the algae’s chloroplasts (the cell organs responsible for photosynthesis) into its own stomach wall. This process, known as functional gene transfer, enables the slug to make energy from sunlight just like a plant. What’s more, the slug’s offspring can inherit the genes to replicate this process, provided they eat their greens.

Even more bizarrely, a species of spotted salamander was recently found to grow algae inside its own cells, a process known as endosymbiosis.

The algae normally grows around the salamander eggs in a symbiotic relationship, but whatever lead to it crossing the barrier of the salamander’s cells, as well as whatever benefits it gives the salamander isn’t immediately clear. Given this is a very new discovery, more research is needed.

In any case, the film’s scientific advisor, geneticist Dr. Adam Rutherford, expounded that in the realm of biology, the events of Annihilation could barely count as artistic license.

“We’ve only explored a tiny portion of life on Earth,” explained Dr. Rutherford. “Just because we got all the basic rules of biology in place, to assume we’re just filling in the gaps is so premature. Every week we’re discovering things that were simply inconceivable the week before.”

Even scientists agree: biology is just one big horror movie waiting to be uncovered. *Or rather, Netflix viewing, because certain industry cowards don’t think female-led sci-fi films warrant a worldwide theatrical release.

Columns

NT: TE ARA TAUIRA

UNIQ: THE QUEER AGENDA

NOHORUA PARATA

APOLLON

Film is a unique way to express our history and whakapapa as polynesian navigators of the Pacific.

Tupaia’s Endeavour (2017) directed by Lala Rolls, leaves one amazed and overwhelmed at the experiences of the Tahitian navigator, Tupaia.

However, one thing I found quite challenging in this three-part series documentary, was being exposed to the alarming truth I heard in the evidence provided by the interviews. The interviewees share unbelievable stories about their knowledge of the arrival of Captain Cook and our very own tipuna, Tupaia, which unfolds the layers of truth of this history.

Watching the series involved a process of coming to terms with the disheartening feeling that many of my tipuna were mistreated by Captain Cook and his men on his arrival to Aotearoa.

Watching the film meant knowing that things could have been drastically different if Tupaia had first interacted with our Māori people before they came face to face with Cook’s men. It meant recognising the hope that there could have been an alternative life for Māori, and emphasising the pain that I share with my ancestors and how they were affected by Cook’s arrival.

What I enjoyed in this documentary was the way that Rolls shot the entire series from both a Māori perspective as well as a Tahitian perspective. Allowing both interviewers to contribute to the narrative of the documentary as well as letting them represent their ethnic/national backgrounds, lets viewers see the story through the point of view of a native of the Pacific Ocean.

The series finds meaning in the unanswered questions that have been a burden on Māori and Tahitian people for decades, by gathering together the verbal knowledge of their arrival from locals and rangatira of the Taputapuatea and Gisborne regions.

The documentary reflects my ancestral history and my identity as a Māori, and provides me with the knowledge that enhances my understanding of the history of my whakapapa.

31 March was International Transgender Day of Visibility. Why is this day necessary? Recent years have led to a heightened awareness of trans people and our issues, so it may seem as though visibility has already been attained. However, it is important to consider the danger many trans people still live under.

Trans Day of Visibility still has its twin and flipside in Trans Day of Remembrance. While Trans Day of Visibility is about highlighting the lives and struggles of trans people, Trans Day of Remembrance is a vigil dedicated to the lives we have lost to transphobic, primarily transmisogynistic violence.

Visibility for transgender people is important because it means visibility for the whole queer community, and for the people and their achievements that have gone before. Trans people reveal the permeability of the barriers between “acting” male and female, show how little hold corralling someone into a social position really has, and undermine ideas about what a man and a woman should look like.

The inability to conform to cisgender heterosexual standards of interaction and presentation is at the heart of all kinds of queer oppression. Trans people are the bedrock of queer solidarity and at the front lines of this oppression we become hyper visible.

Despite society’s heightened awareness of trans people in recent years, we still need a day of visibility, as it is a simple yet distressing fact that though the presence of transgender people in this world is hyper visible, the humanity of trans people, and our actions, are often not. This is attempting to erode queer history, delegitimize our community, and isolate trans people from any sense of connection and community. Trans Day of Visibility is an outpouring of presence, on our own terms, before we become the subjects of Trans Day of Remembrance.

Sincerely and queerly, Apollon 32

IN OUR DANICA SOICH Whose water is it anyway?

Fresh water today is slippery business. Large amounts of the resource are being siphoned into the pockets of private, overseas bottle companies by virtue of council consents.

Farmers pump water for no fee, turning water to milk and rivers to dust. The citizen is watering her lawns and leaving her taps running.

It seems that everyone is eager to get their hands wet.

Beneath the issue of water allocation lurks the deeper question of ownership rights. Who really owns this coveted blue gold?

The Resource Management Act 1991 and other statutes are silent on the issue of water ownership, thus the issue is floating in the open…

The Crown and Māori stand in different streams, with each asserting a different owner. The appearance of these parties têteà-tête tends to cloud the waters of debate with emotion. We must try our best to stay grounded in reason and acknowledge that both parties share a common goal: the protection of our waters. The issue is, which standpoint will best achieve this?

The Crown has sunk their feet firmly into the common law principle that no one can own fresh water, as under the doctrine of publici juris it is a public good. Ex-Minister for the Environment Nick Smith scoffed at the notion of owning a resource like water, saying it was as “nonsensical as owning air”. However, the concept of publici juris, that water belongs to no one and everyone, seems a sinking nuance.

While use of the term ownership may be helpful in discussion, it fails to fully encapsulate the relationship Māori share with water.

Rather than a Lockean sense of ownership, the relationship is one of guardianship, and is defined by reference to Tikanga Māori.

Māori have been found to have rights and interests in freshwater. In 2012 The Waitangi

Tribunal acknowledged that Māori had rights in freshwater akin to ownership rights, confirmed, guaranteed, and protected by Article 2.

An iwi may potentially bring a claim under the common law doctrine of native title.

Valuable precedent is found in the 2013 Ngāti Apa case, which centred around the Foreshore and Seabed claims. The Supreme Court found that upon the Crown gaining sovereignty over Aotearoa, the customary, native rights of Māori continued until clearly extinguished by statute.

It appears that no statute has extinguished any native title to fresh water. There is a real possibility that Māori have continuing property rights over water, and that these rights are the closest thing resembling exclusive ownership.

The general public and government alike are unwilling to let ownership trickle through their fingers. But the full legal expression of Māori rights is a prerequisite to saving our waters.

The relationship between Māori and fresh water is not one of use but one of existence.

Because water sustains life and prosperous communities, in return the community ensures the long term survival of the resource. This responsibility is taken seriously. Each water system has its own intrinsic mauri (life force) and is the blood of Papatūānuku (Earth Mother). It is valued as a spiritual entity and a living ancestor — not merely as a public utility or commodity.

The relationship is fundamentally one of care, belonging, and duty.

It is traditional Māori values, rather than the conventional values of the Crown, which must be central to any modern fresh water plan. As the Tribunal notes, commercial gain is not a primary motive for Māori. Such recognition will bring a fresh, protectionist perspective to the forefront of fresh water planning. Action needs to be taken immediately or we’ll one day be asking “where’d the water go?”

Columns

SWAT

ASK THE ADVOCATE

WINTER JONES

ERICA SCHOUTEN

So you’ve made it to week five! It’s about this point where the thrill of Orientation (or returning to Uni), getting your party on, making new friends (or reconnecting with old ones), is starting to wear off, and you have fully dived into coursework. The assignments that looked so far away are looming on the horizon, and life is starting to get pretty hectic.

Dear Advocate, I am really worried about whether we can stay in our flat.

We complained about our toilet breaking the other week and a plumber came round to fix it. Our property manager spontaneously visited yesterday to check it had been fixed. The flat was a bit messy at the time as we had some friends over for drinks last night.

After her visit the property manager rang us and told us the place was in a disgraceful state, that this was unacceptable, and that we needed to move out. We are really scared. We are embarrassed the flat was messy, but we don’t think it was so bad we need to move out!! Help!

Usually at this point in the trimester I’m looking at my calendar, with all my commitments that I signed up for in the flush of beginning-of-the-trimester-enthusiasm, and feeling super overwhelmed. How can I fit it all in while still doing a good job? We’ve all heard the maxim for Uni — good grades, sleep, social life: pick two.

Well fam, I am here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way. You totally got this.

You can fit it all in, it just requires some planning. And the most important investment that you can make in this busy period is taking care of yourself! You will be able to tackle life so much better when you’re wellrested, nourished, hydrated, and feeling connected.

All humans have the same basic needs, but every individual has differing levels of those needs.

Unfortunately I have long accepted that I need at least eight and a half hours of sleep, unless I want to be a zombie the next day, lurching around in search of brains caffeine. Some of us need a lot of social interaction, and others need more alone time to recharge. What kind of activities make you motivated to get outside and move your bod? Yoga, snowboarding, or walking? What does your body need to function, and how can you make it delicious?

As Socrates said, “Know thyself”. You are different, special and unique, and what works well for someone else may not be right for you! Your challenge is to figure out what you need to be your best self, and then add that into your schedule, before everything else. Take care of yourself, and you’ll find that the rest will follow!

Dear students, Firstly, your property manager should have given you notice before visiting. They need to give you 48 hours before an inspection, and ideally 24 hours before visiting at all. To do otherwise is to disturb your “quiet enjoyment” of the property. I think you should thank her for getting the toilet fixed, but also tell her that you expect her to give correct notice of any visits in the future. Tell her the best way to do this (e.g. is it best for her to text a particular tenant or do you prefer emails to a flat email address?).

Secondly, they can’t ask you to move out because the place is a bit of a mess. Everyone has a messy flat occasionally. This is not a breach of the Residential Tenancies Act. If you were actively damaging the property that would be another matter, but a messy flat is not grounds to terminate your lease! I suspect your property manager is trying it on, or doesn’t understand the law.

In short, you don’t need to move out. I think it is important that you email her and explain how distressed her visit and phone call have made all of you and that you are not intending to move out. You could also ask her who her manager is and contact them about this. The property manager is definitely in the wrong here.

You can always call Tenancy Services for advice and to check what your rights are (0800 TENANCY).

34

Columns

THE "F" WORD

PSC: ONE OCEAN

RUBY GOVAN GAFFNEY

GEORGIA GIFFORD

Rape Culture: Society’s Self-Made Monster No, New Zealand society is not one that outwardly promotes rape.

We don’t commonly engage in sexual violence together as a society. Unfortunately, despite common misconception, this does not mean that rape culture is absent from our society. Rape culture is far more implicit than that, and it isn’t about our collective engagement in, but rather about the way that we collectively think about rape.

And, unfortunately, what we think about rape is… worrying.

Rape culture is, and always has been, a monster of our own making; it is a beast that feeds off the inaction and silence we unwittingly encourage whenever we ask someone what they were wearing, or how much they drank.

It vigorously chows down on the widespread lack of knowledge regarding consent, and the belief that things like one’s fashion or alcohol consumption are acceptable substitutes for consent. It thrives on the ubiquity and acceptance of street harassment. We go on feeding it with rape jokes, and the laughs that all too often follow. Journalists feed it with every replacing of the word “rape” with “sex” — as if they’re the same thing. It eagerly gobbles up “slut” and “whore” and “hoe”, following such snacks with a full-course meal of unsolicited dick pics, revenge porn, and “locker room talk”.

Needless to say, this particular self-made monster is very well fed.

Just a few weeks ago, we saw hundreds gathered outside parliament to protest the reality of rape culture.

We watched people get unapologetically loud over a taboo subject that many of us, even now, feel more comfortable denying than trying to change. And it’s not just here. In the wake of #MeToo, rape culture is and has become a prevalent topic of conversation, turning the light on the dark underbelly of our society that we have long-since avoided acknowledging.

And it’s about time, too — this fucker should have been slayed a long time ago.

Turou, turou!

We are Victoria University’s Cook Island Students Association, more commonly known as VUWCIA. We understand that coming to University can be a bit of a culture shock and an overwhelming experience for some. If you’re feeling a bit lost in this new, unfamiliar chapter of your life, we would be honoured to fill in the role of being your anau away from home.

We at VUWCIA strive to provide support for our Pasifika tauira in any way possible to ensure that they succeed in their endeavors. We encourage you to strive for your goals, however big or small, and make the most of the opportunities given to you during your time at University. We would love to put the opportunity out there to all of our Pasifika tauira, new or old, to come along and join our VUWCIA anau.

This year, our main event will be Ta’okota’i’nga, which is an 4 day long event that will be held in Auckland, during which we meet up with other Universities Cook Island student’s associations. To join VUWCIA you do not have to be of Cook Island descent, so if this sounds like something you think you’d be interested in doing, get in touch with us. To keep up to date with our upcoming events and meetings, join the group Victoria University Cook Islands Association on Facebook.

Meitaki poria, Georgia Gifford Vice President, Victoria University Cook Island Students Association 2018

35

ART ALL MY FAVOURITE PLACES ARE CLOSING DOWN REVIEW: JANE WALLACE

I feel like I am always watching all my most familiar and favourite places closing down. I feel this acutely when I visit Fiona Connor’s exhibition Closed Down Clubs and Monochromes at Hopkinson Mossman. The part of the exhibition that half its title is taken from, the closed down clubs, is a series of vacated doors.

I do not recognise the doors themselves— they vary in texture, shape, form— but the familiarity lies in the state of closure.

The four sets of doors that occupy the centre of the gallery have been replicated from various closed American establishments: restaurants, clubs, an American Apparel store. Connor has not removed these doors from their original environments, instead meticulously recreating them in her studio, taking care to imitate the closure notices, signs from failed health and safety checks, and that layer of grime that signals that a premises has been vacated for a short while. These resulting replicas speak to a very specific moment in time.

A gallery context has a tendency to halt the ephemeral.

Whereas natural elements would normally continue to erode an object, the responsibility of the gallery is faithful preservation. I didn’t attempt to, but I imagine that in Hopkinson Mossman, Connor’s doors can’t be touched; can’t pull my finger through the thick layer of dust, paste a new poster, try to open them. However, there is still a version of the doors that these things can be enacted on, the “authentic” originals. They are susceptible to all the normal and real things of urban life and deterioration, and then also, the undoing of this. Decomposition and recomposition. With time, the original closed doors, and the past establishments that were shut with them, will undoubtedly open again; the gallery replicas still sealed, lips keeping a good secret. For those doors in the real world, the disinterested future hurtles towards them; and Connor’s versions become less of facsimiles, and more of things themselves.

These things, in themselves, can be a record of our changing communities. Transformation in a city is a seeping thing. The nature of this transformation is that everything new also erases. We can remember past places in histories shared by word of mouth, and expired listings somewhere on the internet, but for places that were never destined to stay long, opened with optimism, they are forgotten easily. It’s harder to pinpoint what has changed in a community if you cannot remember what was there before, and for those who can influence patterns of gentrification, it’s easier to pretend that nothing is happening if it is made invisible in real time. Connor’s sculptural works focus on America, but the economic, political, and technological conflicts that often force their end, noted in Hopkinson Mossman’s exhibition essay, are also relevant here. Recently, the confirmation of the closure of the Newtown PostShop has local business owners, who rely on the PostShop, concerned about their own fates. This is what Connor’s work makes me think about: the traces of human existence in our built environment, our precarious social geographies, the often intangible characteristics of these things.

Local services shut, and suburbs shrink, and the city swells sickeningly, and the city sucks everything into a homogenised zone, and one closed door will usually not be the only one.

Closed Down Clubs and Monochromes is on at Hopkinson Mossman until 14 April.

Level 2, 22 Garrett Street, Te Aro

36

FILM WELLINGTON IN FILM (THIS IS NOT EXACTLY A FILM REVIEW) REVIEW: EMMA MAGUIRE

So you’ve probably been in Wellington for a little while now. Maybe the lure of Wellington’s (very glamorous) film scene drew you here. A lot of movies are filmed in and around Wellington. Most of those movies are not actually set in Wellington.

but you’re not going to see any giant monsters when you head out there (hopefully).

Red Rocks (Lord of the Rings) 3.5/5 stars Yet more scenes from Lord of the Rings were filmed out here. If you head south through Brooklyn and follow the longest road in the world down to the sea, you’ll hit Red Rocks. While the place may not be immediately obvious in the film — I wouldn’t know, I’ve never actually seen any of them — it’s got some nice walks, stunning scenery, and fur seals in the winter, so it’s good even if you’re not there for the movie tie-in.

Here’s a ranked list of Wellington film locations. Some of them are cool. (Some of them are not.)

Lower Victoria St, CBD (Ghost in the Shell) 0/5 stars 2017’s Ghost in the Shell was controversial for many reasons, but being shot in Wellington wasn’t one of them. Victoria St looks unrecognisable in one of the action scenes from the film. Without the elaborate set dressing and colour correction, it’s just a street.

Wellington Railway Station (Goodbye Pork Pie/Pork Pie) 4/5 stars One of the most iconic scenes in 1981’s Goodbye Pork Pie (and the 2017 remake) is when the yellow Mini drives up the front steps of the Railway Station and onto a train. The place is awesome enough even without a mad car chase taking place in it. (I’m mainly ranking it so high because I’m in approximately five minutes of that film.)

Mitre 10 Mega, Petone (Krampus) 2/5 stars The opening scene of Krampus is set in this humble store — though it was transformed into the more Americanized “Mucho Mart” to maintain historical accuracy. Considering it’s the only part of the film that ventures beyond the confines of a soundstage, it’s probably very important. I’ve never actually been.

Mt Victoria (Lord of the Rings/Pete’s Dragon) 3/5 stars The very first footage for Lord of the Rings was shot on this prominent mountain in 1999. Since then, the mountain has been used in other movies, such as Pete’s Dragon, and in many a student film. While Mt Victoria is lovely (and very spooky on a misty day), it is also just a steep hill, and the bits that look like Lord of the Rings were trampled by tourists long ago.

(the now dead) Boogie Wonderland, CBD (What We Do in the Shadows) 5/5 stars My favourite bar in Wellington used to be Boogie Wonderland. Although it was alarmingly close to Estab, it had a charm and a selection of music that appealed to my disco-loving soul, as well as disco balls that every fresher used to try to steal. The vampires in Shadows loved it too. RIP Boogie. You’re gone, but will remain forever in my heart.

Lyall Bay (Lord of the Rings/King Kong) 3.5/5 stars Iconic scenes of Skull Island from 2005’s King Kong (that’s the King Kong film that’s three and a half hours long) were shot on this south Wellington beach. It is gorgeous on a good day and has a damn good cafe,

While there are many other filming locations in Wellington, a lot of them tend to be on soundstages, illegal to access, or condemned. Honestly, if you’re just wanting to make a quick buck, you could probably tell some tourists that parts of Lord of the Rings were filmed in your backyard. (It’s technically true.)

37

PODCAST FIVE WOMEN REVIEW: LIBERTY SOANES AND HANNAH PATTERSON

CW: sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

working life difficult for women on a daily basis. For example, one of the women asked Hazen for a pay rise, but was denied. Hazen instead asked personal questions about her financial situation and offered to pay her rent. Although on the surface this may not come under the umbrella of what we consider “inappropriate”, the individual recognised that this was Hazen’s play at power over her personal life.

Five Women is a podcast episode produced by the popular radio show This American Life. It details the experiences of five women who worked for Don Hazen, the executive editor of the left-wing news magazine Alternet. The host, Chana Joffe-Wait, delves into the histories and lives of these women leading up to their first encounters with Hazen. It's not simply reportage — we hear these women speak for themselves and tell their individual truths, which is a rare occurrence in an industry saturated with malecentric narratives.

What makes this podcast so refreshing is the nature in which it individualises the experiences of these women. In doing so, it subverts the traditional narrative of victimhood and shows that there is no “right” way to be a victim. These women all had widely varied responses and reflections in regards to Hazen's behaviour, and the podcast is successful in rendering all of these as valid. It should be recognised that this episode was produced entirely by women and focused solely on female stories.

This is a testament to the value and importance of women telling their own stories, and amplifying those of others.

In the wake of the #MeToo movement, Hazen’s history of sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviour towards his female employees has come to light. Deanna, Onnesha, Tana, and Kristen share their experiences working for Hazen, while Vivian offers an alternative perspective as his long-term partner.

Deanna, Onnesha, Tana, and Kristen all met Hazen at a young age, while attempting to enter the journalism industry, which is notorious for its competitive nature.

Hazen portrayed himself as a guide and mentor to these women, however these relationships quickly became exploitative. This included forcing women to view explicit images, having unprotected sex with women and failing to disclose that he had a sexually transmittable infection, inappropriate touching, and coercion. Alongside these specific incidents, Hazen fostered a culture where non-sexual forms of power and manipulation were made possible.

The beauty of podcasting as a medium is its ability to eternalise the voices of these women in a way that written work is often unable to. These voices are not metaphorical, they are the actual voices of women telling their stories in their own words. This gives their stories a tangibility, rendering it impossible to dismiss the recollections as empty commentary.

Ultimately Five Women is well worth your time. It speaks to the multitude of experiences women face both in and out of the workplace. These voices should not go unheard.

Five Women successfully illustrates the breadth and complexity of sexual harassment and power dynamics in the workplace. Often in the reportage of these stories, the nuances and subtleties of power that permeate the workplace are minimised or dismissed.

However, it is these exact subtleties that make 38

TELEVISION ONE DAY AT A TIME REVIEW: @LAURALIVES

Okay, three things:

through all of the hijinks they get caught up in. They are cosy and at ease with each other. It's just lovely.

1. We’re coming up on the first round of assignment season and some healthy procrastination may or may not go amiss.

One Day at a Time touches on a lot of relevant themes — Penelope has struggles with post traumatic stress and getting equal pay at her job, Elena is a climate warrior, and the family are constantly facing the challenges that come with being a Cuban-American family in the current political climate of the USA. But in spite of all that, this show is like a hug that leaves you feeling so fulfilled and satisfied you feel like you could go out and conquer the world.

2. You probably have access to a Netflix account, whether it’s through your flat, some rando on the other side of the world, or your ex-boyfriend's cousin's mechanic's. I think I have like seven people on mine, leeching bastards.

3. You can never have too many good vibes in your life.

It's a great binge watch, or you know, you could watch it one day at a time (sorry, the pun fruit was just too low hanging!) Besides, are you going home for mid-tri break (those of us that get one)? Because this is also a perfect recommendation for your family – your grandma will love Rita Moreno! How often do you come across TV you’d actually want to watch with your grandmother?

So, in light of these three things, it's time you finally got around to watching that Netflix original show that popped up once, a while ago, but it wasn't Orange is the New Black, Stranger Things, or a Marvel product, so you didn’t watch it. Fair. I hear you. I was in the same position, which is why you should trust me on this. Add it to your list: One Day at a Time.

So tuck yourself in, get ready to feel the love, and join the Alvarezs One Day at a Time.

The show centres on Penelope Alvarez (Justina Muchado), a Cuban-American veteran living in Los Angeles without her husband, who she is divorcing.

Her two teenage kids, Elena and Alex, are still at home, where they live in the same building as their weird landlord Schneider (first name redacted) who imagines himself as part of the family. But the show is stolen by Penelope's mother Lydia, who also lives with her, played by the amazing, EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony award winning), Rita Moreno. You have not lived until you see Rita Moreno's character classify herself as dramatic. The pulling of curtains is involved.

This show is just simply delightful. I can’t tell you how often it put a smile on my face — I even caught myself laughing through happy tears! This family loves each other, and they say so. They support each other 39

MUSIC ANTHONIE TONNON INTERVIEW 20/3/18 INTERVIEWER: JOSH ELLERY

J: Tell me a little bit about how the last couple of years have gone between the two records?

A: Even before Successor I’ve been kinda working towards this way of working where I am kind of touring and recording and writing as a sort of integrated process. I mean, they’re all kind of separate jobs but they feed each other in an interesting way, and they can also hinder each other if you don’t do them in the right way too [laughs]. I was experimenting with things like crowd participation and also trying to develop a better sense of sonic aesthetics by picking up things like guitar pedals and that kinda stuff. That kept informing the record too – Successor took a really long time because I’d keep coming back from tours and go, “oh actually I can play this song better now!”

J: Yeah I mean, it seems like a fluid process, and I noticed that obviously on the new EP you’ve revised a track from Successor (“Railway Lines”), that’s in line with that, right? Sometimes these compositions take different forms over time dependent on instrumentation and live experimentation, right?

A: Totally. I mean, I try not to place a value on a song when its finished and say “I’ve finished the song, I’ve put it on record and now I will value it”. When you do that, a couple of things happen. One of them being that you’re never happy – it takes a long time to finish a song and get it up to being ready to release.

You’re constantly making music but if you only value finished songs, you’ve spent all your time feeling miserable. Also, just treating songs a little bit more like gardening or something – you put something in a pot and it starts to grow, and then in winter you’ll get lemons from a lemon tree but you won’t get lemons in summer. A song like “Railway Lines”… even when a song is released, I still change it and still use it because if you’re gonna release a song then you know that the songwriting has worked and it’s tight so you can use that song to experiment with how

you’re playing it and a different way of arranging it, because you know that the songwriting’s not a problem so you can experiment with other variables on it.

J: I got that impression, the revised arrangement has this cool skeletal vibe to it – the tracked drums and that aye. It’s super interesting to compare the two recordings, I suppose the technology necessitates the extent to which you can explore different parts of the arrangement.

A: It’s also a matter of saying that I only put in as much live as I can be in control of in the moment.

Like, I could put in more, but then it would get into the sort of territory where I was just pushing the buttons and the song was playing. And there maybe are times where I’m pushing a button, but I try to express that physically, or try to make that the best pushing of a button that I can [laughs]. The important thing is that it feels organic, and it’s done in a way where everything could fall apart – like, you need as much concentration as you would if you were playing a complicated instrument (like a piano) to make all this stuff work. To keep it manageable, and to keep to a template that I could believably play as one human, the arrangements to tend to take on a skeletal structure. I guess with the band shows, we have a chance to expand those a little bit, because you’ve got three musicians we can start doing some of the other things... It’s an interesting challenge.

J: Yeah man, I suppose that was my next question.

With a view to these live shows, what can an audience member expect? Is there a mix of how you would perform the arrangements solo, with a bit of fleshing out from the band, or more one than the other?

A: I mean, it’s not gonna be band-y. There might be some band-y moments, but I’m trying to throw out the whole structure and then rebuild it in a different 40

way, which is essentially what I had to do with my solo shows. I’ve worked out how to play this music, piece-by-piece over a few years, and taking the band to that has been challenging but it’s been kind of exciting as well. It’s very different to a normal band show – there’s a lot of times where the band is dealing with electronic things they’ve gotta fiddle with, and there are some times where they’re doing normal drummer or bass player things, but there’s some times where they’ve got their hands free and we’ve gotta start worrying about choreographing the band – if you’ve got free hands, what else can you use them for? Maybe if you don’t have to do anything you shouldn’t pretend to do something, or you shouldn’t play a bass line that’s unnecessary.

Maybe instead you should be turning on the smoke machine or fiddling with the laser or something like that [laughs]. So I’m just trying to think that you’ve got three or four band members, you’ve just got staff – you’ve got humans that can do anything. It no longer has to be playing every bit of the music, it’s controlling the music and delving into other things, like movement or lighting or anything kind of theatrical.

A: Right! It was an existential thing for me because its like, I think you’ve gotta be playing it. But I wonder if the young musicians wonder if we’re just wasting time by trying to play it… [laughs].

J: Totally, it’s a super interesting debate in that respect.

A: I mean at the same time, I saw a big [message] chain from some musicians I know... and somebody pointed out that they hate it when they see electronic acts “bandify” their songs. You have someone who releases this great record which is all made on Ableton, and then they get a four-piece band and play it like they’re Rolling Stones songs [laughs]. So you can ruin songs like that too, you know.

J: [laughs] It seems like a tightrope act, where you’re trying to make as many people happy as you can – satisfy the masses right.

A: I guess whatever you do, its theatre. It’s a performing art, and that’s a thing that I’m interested in. I think that what you can do is so much more varied and diverse than what it used to be, where, to some degree, everybody had to be holding down a beat on their particular instrument, but they didn’t have so much room to do anything else. Now, I feel like it’s wide open, and I think performance is the key to actually making this stuff exciting.

J: I do like that approach. I think there’s often a bit of a trap that maybe electronic musicians fall into, where they become to static or glued to their equipment and forget that a vital facet of visceral live performance is that visual expectation. Can you afford to stand still?

Like, I suppose you should be presenting yourself in a manner which befits the music you’re playing right?

J: One last thing from me then, what does the rest of 2018 look like for you? More touring? More music?

A: Yeah, I mean it’s an interesting debate. I think that music is in such a state of flux at the moment, it’s happening so fast, it’s hard to say. I guess slightly older generation musicians say they don’t wanna see a band that presses play on something and karaokes to their music. I’m trying to find somewhere in the middle where I’m not trying to tell a lie about what we are and aren’t doing, but I’m also trying to use the opportunities that electronic music gives to make the shows much bigger than what the old band show was like anyway. But then the other school of thought is that a lot of young people who like electronic music don’t kinda care? They don’t need to necessarily see their favourite artist pressing a whole lot of buttons or being stressed out on stage to believe it’s real. For me, I kind of need to feel like a musician as an instrumentalist. Everybody on stage is an instrumentalist and they’re playing music with musicianship, whatever the technology is.

A: Yeah, we’ve got much more music to release that we’re fine tuning at the moment. It’s been really good to release the Two Free Hands EP, and see how people respond to it. If you don’t release something, people don’t know what you’re doing. I’ve got lots of regional shows to do, which is always good.

The great test of this stuff is whether you can get a response from somebody in the regions [laughs], and I’m currently developing some other crazy shows at the moment — there’s some talks of doing a show in a planetarium.

Anthonie Tonnon plays Meow on April 13, tickets through Under the Radar. You can also stream his new EP, Two Free Hands, through Bandcamp.

J: It’s such a millennial thing, right? With all this new technology, how do we make that seem authentic or credible as instrumentalists.

41

BOOK

BOOK

HOW SHOULD A PERSON BE? BY SHEILA HETI REVIEW: LIAM KENNEDY

TE HA TANGATA: THE BREATH OF THE PEOPLE REVIEW: ALEX FEINSON

We rarely get a look into each other’s inner worlds.

Sheila Heti attempts to change this in her 2010 semiautobiographical novel How Should a Person Be? by putting a fictionalised version of her own complicated consciousness on display. Heti combines real emails and transcribed conversations with fiction, to immerse the reader into the inner world of Sheila, a young, recently divorced writer desperately trying to finish (or even just start) a play she has been commissioned to write. In order to write the play, or perhaps to distract herself from it, Sheila travels to New York and Miami and throws herself into a manic relationship, all the while obsessing over the titular question.

Unsurprisingly, Sheila does not come up with a definitive answer. Instead, there are moments when she begins to doubt that she is any kind of person at all. At one point, Sheila confesses that “when I strip away my dreams, what I imagine to be my potential, all the things I haven't said... I see that I've done as little as anyone else in this world to deserve the grand moniker I”.

For Sheila, this self-doubt is amplified by the nature of her work as a female writer, as the legitimacy of her art is constantly called in question by those in the literary world and wider society. Heti’s exploration of the gendered aspects of Sheila’s self-doubt helps give the novel’s musings a political backbone.

Overall, I found How Should A Person Be? a brave book. While some critics have faulted Heti’s novel for being self-absorbed and narcissistic, I respected the perceptiveness and wit in her analysis of the flawed mind. By putting a manic, compulsive, and wild consciousness on display, Heti lets the reader know that our own messy minds are not so strange after all.

Te Hā Tangata: The Breath of the People is part of the Human Library, an international project that aims “to challenge prejudice and discrimination by creating relationships and connections”. With the Human Library, “the books are the people and reading is a conversation”, and Te Hā Tangata: The Breath of the People is a collection of transcripts from the recording sessions held at the Wellington Library by ten people who have been, or are still currently, homeless.

Those who contributed with their personal experiences did so to challenge the stigma and judgement people have towards homelessness, mental illness, and addiction, as well as express their creativity and prowess as writers and storytellers.

Their retelling of childhood abuse, addiction, discrimination, the failures of the foster care and justice systems, and life on the streets, are harrowing, heartwarming, and powerful. But you feel welcomed and privileged to be granted an insight into their lives, as they have shared their most private and darkest moments, but also their moments of triumph, friendship, and love.

The book also records the reactions and thoughts of the coordinators of the project, as well as the students and volunteers who attended the speaking sessions, who express the profound and immense impact that the project has had on their lives and their worldview.

Te Hā Tangata: The Breath of the People is a fantastic collection of personal stories, as it opens your eyes to the reality of homelessness, the systematic problems in our society that contribute to it, and how we all can help.

They are not people to avoid your gaze and walk away from. They are Robert, Shannon, Papa Smurf, Shomilla, Bruce, Verne, Sharron, Manu, Ngaire, and James.

42

THEATRE PHONEY LOVE

BY LUCY ROCHE REVIEW: JAMES HURLE

When we laugh in a comedy show, we laugh hard at those comics that can point out that punchline sitting just out of reach, but we laugh hardest at the comics who point those punchlines out with a voice that is totally their own. Phoney Love has a touch of the former, however, its strength lies with the latter, in the character (or caricature) that Lucy Roche brings on stage.

Phoney Love is about dating on Tinder in the Modern World. You’d be forgiven for thinking that this seems like a topic that most audiences would’ve figured out for themselves. Roche addresses this herself, referring to her set as “the current most hack topic in comedy”.

While the self-awareness/deprecation doesn’t do the work Roche might hope it does in getting Phoney Love’s material off of the ground, it does open the door to allow her persona to come through. And therein lies the strength of the set. Don’t get me wrong, there are some great jokes throughout (the statistically-sound approach of asking 100 women “do you do anal” stands out), but these jokes are sprinkled through the audience, rather than giving them a good, heavy dusting. Again, that isn’t to say the material is necessarily bad – just that the subject matter itself is a bit flat. In this particular show, there’s more persona here than storyteller.

P AY / /

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as Roche’s persona is undeniably captivating. There’s a point about midway, where Roche describes her show (in her characteristic breathy drawl) as “bitching about men for 60 minutes and then hoping a line will of them will form afterwards, asking for her number”. And for the most part, she nails that pitch. Roche herself – all of 5’ nothing – stands during the set dressed in a trim black circle skirt, one Chuck Taylor tucked behind the other, clutching the mic, swaying from side to side. It would be hard not to imagine some fluttering eyelids or thumb sucking mixed in there somewhere, and I have no doubt that this persona is intentional. It is this coquettish first impression which makes lines like “if you stick your dick far enough down my throat you’ll eventually touch my heart,” wallop the audience. She is at her best when she skirts back and forth between the line of sex positivity and pushing the societal standards of indecency, and she’s even better if she does it quickly enough that the audience is one step behind. But unfortunately, there’s just not enough of that in this in this show.

Lucy Roche will return to Wellington for the Wellington Comedy Festival in Young Dumb & Full Of Comedy.

May 1st – 5th.

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FOOD PORK DUMPLINGS RECIPE: TOM HALL

I’m not sure about anyone else, but my number one after school snack was a mince pie. It fired off a filling hit of carbs and protein that refuelled the brain drain of a day spent studying. Recently however, dumplings have replaced mince pies as my preferred afternoon tea. They take half the time to fry or boil up,you can mix and match different flavors to keep it interesting, and they still cover those good carb/ protein bases that any good snack should. Hopefully these will pick you up from the afternoon slump, and give you the energy to prep a healthy, cheap dinner.

Dumpling wrappers $4.80 (pack of 60) 500g of pork mince $4.00 Garlic/ginger/chives $1-3 Most supermarkets should stock dumpling wrappers, they’ll be in the chest freezers usually. I would suggest going to Yan’s supermarket on Hopper st in Wellington CBD (just above Cuba st). This place does bomb deals on bulk asian food and they sell some good quality wrappers. Right next door is Preston’s butchery (which also does bomb deals on meat) and that’s where you can pick up the pork mince.

Of course you can find these ingredients pretty much everywhere, but we’ve found this combination to be the cheapest.

When you’ve hustled the food home, it’s time to figure out what flavors you wanna mix. If $8.80 has already broken the bank and you don’t have anything at home to add, it’s no stress; pork is a delicious meat on its own. If you wanna expand the flavors a bit, garlic is always a good start. Ginger and chives go well together too (everything is better fresh), but they need to be finely chopped and mixed thoroughly.

Mix the pork mince with your chosen aromatics, and make sure everything is well distributed. Now it’s time to set up your dumpling making station. You want a bowl of the pork mixture, a plate to make the dumplings on, a cup of water, and a container to put them in.

For each wrapper you want to ration just less than one teaspoon of pork — too much and it will burst while cooking. Place the wrapper flat on the plate, and put the pork in a blob at the centre. Dip a finger into the water and run it around the edge of the wrapper, this helps the dumpling stick together nicely. Then take one edge and fold it over the pork so it just touches the other edge. Push down to seal the edges together, and work around the semi circle sealing the wrapper. It is very important that there is no air in the dumpling, it should be sealed tightly against the pork centre.

To cook these, boil them for 3-4 mins from fresh or 6 mins from frozen, until the dumplings are slightly translucent and the pork seems cooked through.

Alternatively, you can fry them at a low heat for 6-7 mins to get a nice crunchy crust. If you’re fancy and you’ve got a cool bamboo steamer, that should work well too.

Unless you’re doing a solid and catering your drunk friends at a party, you probably won’t eat all 60 in one sitting. These are really great to store frozen, and it only takes an extra minute or so to boil it like that. Wrappers tend to stick together in the freezer, so make sure they are stored without touching each other (baking paper to separate them is a good idea).

44

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20) Don’t try to hide chocolate wrappers under the bed!

I know you went into full hedonist mode during the Easter break but there’s no reason to develop a guilt complex over it. Pisces are famous treat-yo-self-ers and you should take this on with pride. The weekend will be productive for you, take advantage of this and the clarity that comes with it. Go to the vege market, a balanced diet is crucial for a healthy mind.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You’re in an ideal position to learn new things and experience different aspects of Wellington you might not have given much thought to, both this week and next. Avoid rushing things, no matter how compelling it may seem. If you’re expecting grades back this week, it’s likely you’ll be disappointed.

Don’t drop out of uni just yet. Spend some time with a cutie, as you’ll be more attractive to romantic prospects this week.

Aries (March 21 - Apr 19) New beginnings are coming, and the world is ready to see your point of view. You’ll be feeling independent and energetic on Tuesday — focusing your productivity on knowledge and academic pursuits will be fruitful. Mercury is in retrograde, if your gut tells you not to pick up the phone, don’t.

Wear pink, kiss people on the cheek when you hug them.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22) You’ll find yourself learning a lot this week about your relationships, particularly those of a romantic nature. Take time to consider diplomacy and empathy. Listen to the people around you, whether that be the conversation happening next to you in a bar or your flatmates. People are wanting to tell you things even if they aren’t conscious of it.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) Monday brings sexual energy and a desire for revenge, however I strongly advise you don’t combine the two. Changes are looming, and the moon entering Pisces midweek makes now a favourable time for planning travel. Drinking on Friday night is likely to put you in a physical predicament, so I recommend you save hitting town for Saturday. Putting one foot over the edge of the bed and on the floor helps if you have drunk spins.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You’re going to be feeling very proud of the work you do this week, and your ego may get tied up in your successes to the extent that it pisses people off. Get off your high horse — take pride in your efforts but don’t consider yourself superior. You will be compelled to be overly critical and analytic of your life and relationships. Take a chill pill, Scorpio, you’re fine.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Now is a creative, playful time. You’ll find yourself feeling proud of your relationship status (whatever it maybe) and it’s likely you’ll be a little more charming than usual ;). Embrace this, but don’t be a sleaze.

You have much to learn about honesty and intuition, take time to think about whether you’re saying what you think or what you think will please others. Have a yarn with a child, they have a lot to teach you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The waning moon will have you feeling a little anxious, and like your bones are getting old. Avoid interpersonal conflict, especially with smart people — Mars is in Capricorn, and the intellectual bullies are out in full force. Things will become clearer towards the end of the week, prepare yourself for unexpected opportunities. Remember, the monster under the bed is just an asshole cat.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Now is a time to recharge and consider your next moves. Focus your energy on your family and home life, as you have been neglecting these lately and it’s likely that your lack of grounding will come back to bite you later in the month if you don’t sort them now. Epiphanies about your relationships are likely towards the weekend, particularly Sunday. Don’t rush yourself or force productivity if it’s not coming naturally. Handing in an essay two days late is not the end of the world.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You may feel driven to focus on your private life and close relationships, but the stars are favouring your professional and academic life for the moment.

Your intellectual side will blossom in the first half of the week, and the Aquarian moon at this time will make you feel a little more independent and detached than usual. Your emotions will be your main motivation from Wednesday to Saturday, take yourself for walks, wear sparkly eyeshadow.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) Expect to feel creative and passionate through most of the week. Your stamina level is strong, so this will be a fruitful week. Usually, you’re a bit of an egomaniac, but as the moon moves through Pisces midweek you can expect to feel more in-tune to the emotions of those around you — try to learn from this. Thursday will be a lucrative day for those of the Leo persuasion, wear green and spend time in the sun when you’re not busy making bank.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Lots of cliches for you this week, Aquarius. You’ll likely be seen as a bit of a “busy bee” with a “finger in every pie.” Your “fancy” will be “tickled” by more people, opportunities, and material items than usual.

You’ll be finding solutions to long-running problems, so now is a good time to consider your mess of a life (sorry, but we both know it’s true). You’ll be attracted to the idea of socialising but your interactions may not always be fruitful, I guess "that’s just the way the cookie crumbles."

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SUDUKU

CROSSWORD: SONG OF THE SOUTH

FUN

LITERAL MURDER

WORDFIND: THINGS THAT ARE SLOW

O R T A X R E T U R N S S

Z N N W O C E J K M N E L

K O K E T C G Y L M E R O

Q T L Q D T S E L T R U T

I Z V S X S P R U I L K R A U C C I P E I O C B A H T N F G O N P E T E C O S R P D N P K R Q N R O E S E C O Y H X L I N T I P H I C A S N I Z N A A N G T C E L K I C H S X G L W V

ACROSS 2 *Nintendo game series named after the central bear and bird characters (5-7) 8 Jane Austen novel (4) 9 *Idly tweak, like a fidget spinner (6,4) 11 'I Want To Break Free' band (5) 13 Most frozen (6) 15 Its official languages are Aymara and Quechua (4) 16 Word that can follow key or block (5) 19 * Cole Sprouse character who narrates the show 'Riverdale' (7) 20 Tropical resort locations (5) 22 Actor Astin or former White House employee Spicer (4) 23 Dash (6) 24 Snuggle with, perhaps (5) 26 *It separates Tasmania from mainland Australia (4,6) 29 Like some Fanta flavours (4) 30 *Muscles shown in some Tinder profile pics (9,3)

DOWN 1 Attack suddenly (6) 2 Tom Hardy's Batman villain (4) 3 Enrolling (7,2) 4 Young goat (3) 5 Actress Saldana or Bell (3) 6 Product that might be virgin (5,3) 7 Tires out (8) 10 Rent out (3) 12 Assassin whose appearance might be based on kabuki theatre (5) 14 Particularly noted (9) 16 Bolt-firing weapon (8) 17 Home state of Bill Clinton and John Grisham (8) 18 Shortens a sentence, maybe (5) 21 Biblical book with the parting of the Red Sea (6) 23 Used an armchair (3) 25 Get at least 50% on, perhaps (4) 27 'Das Boot' vehicle, for short (3) 28 Two, in te reo (3) LAST WEEK'S ANSWERS

WORDS GLACIERS IPHONE FOUR LECTURES PAINT DRYING SLOTHS SNAILS TAX RETURNS TURTLES VICBOOKS LINE WINSTON PETERS

ACROSS 2: BLOODFEAST 4: BAG 7: LOITER 9: CHOE 11: CRASH 13: SQUAD 15: TYLER 16: PLANE 19: ERICANDRE 22: DOTTY 23: STEVEBRULE 25: STOGIE 27: SNAILDOWN 29: BRAK 30: LAWYER 32: FAXMACHINEDOWN

DOWN 1: LAZZO 3: LIVE 5: FISHCENTER 6: MAC 8: TOUCHES 10: HOT 12: DEMARCO 14: STREETS 17: ANDREW 18: BOY 20: CREATOR 21: TENDER 24: JESSICA 26: THE 28: WILLIAMS 31: FRENCH

Editor Louise Lin Designer/Illustrator Ruby Ash News Editor Sasha Beattie Sub Editor Sally Harper Distributor Danica Soich Chief News Reporter Angus Shaw Feature Writers Satvika Iyer Kate Green Daniel Smith Section Editors Conall Aird & George Bulleid (TV) Josh Ellery (Music) Alex Feinson (Books) Hannah Patterson (Podcast) Emma Maguire (Film) Jane Wallace (Arts) Tom Hall (Food) James Brown (Poetry) Centrefold PINKY FANG @pinksfang

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LARRIKINS

Horoscope by Lily McElhone, Sudoku by Nathan Hotter, Crossword by Puck, Wordfind by Joanna Li, Larrikins by Anton Huggard

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