Issue 16 - Lovesick by Salient

CONTENTS 04—09

10—12

13—15

News

Yeah The Boys (Feature)

The Dating Masterdoc (Feature)

16—17

18—19

20—21

The Most Stable Wheel (Feature)

The Power of the Ick (Feature)

Centrefold

22—23

24—33

34—38

Student Love Letters

Culture

Entertainment

About Us Salient is published by, but remains editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is funded in part by VUWSA through the Student Services Levy. Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University. Complaints Complaints regarding the material published in Salient should first be brought to the Editor in writing (editor@salient.org.nz). If not satisfied with the response, complaints should be directed to the Media Council (info@mediacouncil.org.nz).

Find Us Twitter @salientmagazine Facebook fb.com/salientmagazine Instagram @salientgram www.salient.org.nz

Love In The Metropolis EDITORIAL Is being in love off-limits for the non-committal? Like me, a lot of you may have grown up watching romantic comedies centred around metropolitan yo-pros who considered themselves too smart and practical to fall in love. These characters harp on about how love is a burden, a commitment for the bored and unambitious. Friends With Benefits (2011) is set in New York City and follows fuck-buddies played by Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis who insist that love would complicate their lives … all the while falling head over heels for one another. No Strings Attached (2011) is set in Los Angeles, where Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman portray characters that follow a similarly contrived plotline.

We’ve conflated being in love with being in a committed relationship. I believe this ideology places love on an achievable pedestal for the average student.

I propose we dismantle our association of love with commitment and come up with a fit-for-purpose definition of love that suits our hectic lifestyles. Falling in love as a student can mean opening yourself up to experiencing love in all of its intense beauty while still prioritising yourself and retaining your independence. Diving into situations that weren’t built to last didn’t bring me stability, but did bring me joy. Love is often fleeting, so ~carpe diem~ and seize love while it’s still here.

Many of you may struggle to commit to a major, let alone a career path, let alone a person.

This week’s issue is for the lovelorn, lovedrunk, and lovesick.

Some of us are genuinely scared of commitment. Others find commitment unattainable because we’re busy and don’t have time or energy to spare. I don’t know how we are meant to watch our lectures, go to work, cook ourselves dinner, reconfigure our career paths to fit a ‘post-pandemic’ world, and still have the motivation to pursue and maintain a committed relationship.

In our features: Lauren finds out what men think about love, Bridget reflects on being a third wheel, Joanna explains what behaviours can give someone the ‘ick’, Maia unpacks how her conception of love was influenced by Disney, and I dish out my best dating advice.

Movies like these lump love and commitment together, pitting them against independence and career progression.

Point being: commitment issues are ubiquitous amongst students. As a result, when we fall in love with someone, we don’t feel comfortable claiming that emotion if we don’t want to be in a relationship with them. Instead, we settle for terms like “really liking them”, “fucking with them”, or “just vibing”. Even when our feelings for them are deep and powerful, going far beyond the realm of a crush. The words “I love you” feel sacred to the point where they’re untouchable.

In our news section: VUWSA’s fights to prevent the Student Services Levy from being raised, Vic Books Pipitea closes its doors, Aotearoa experiences a ‘brain drain’ where our graduates are flocking overseas, and we sit down with Tory Whanau for the first of our mayoral candidate interviews. I hope you’re staying cosy this cuffing season <3 Ngā manaakitanga, JANHAVI GOSAVI (SHE/HER)

www.salient.org.nz

No Bang For Our Buck: VUWSA Fights Against Student Levy Increase Words by Beth Mountford (she/her) and Janhavi Gosavi (she/her) Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA) are once again fighting to stop the Student Services Levy (SSL) from being raised. VUWSA’s main concern with the SSL is that our students pay the biggest student levy in the country. We strongly believe it’s important for all students to understand where their money is going, so keep reading. The SSL is a compulsory charge for students which covers services such as Mauri Ora, Victoria University Recreation, VUWSA, and yours truly, Salient. In 2022 the SSL was calculated for each student on a perEFTS basis. For a full time student this is currently $1,045. It is standard for levies to increase yearly, but for full time students, the SSL increased by 20% from 2021 to 2022. This is by far the highest increase of all NZ universities, with the second highest increase being AUT at 7.62%. The proposed increase from the University is a further 6% to cover the projected deficit of the new per-EFTS system.

News

Occupancy charges are paid for through the SSL and it pays for the upkeep of non-academic spaces. The occupancy charge at VUW for 2019 was 25% of our SSL, again the highest of all NZ universities, with the second highest being Waikato at 18%. VUWSA have recommended capping VUW’s occupancy charge at 15%, using the remaining estimated 10% savings to increase funding for student services (which is what the SSL is meant for) and to cover the projected deficit. VUWSA also recommended scrapping the rebate system for 2023, because while only some students get the rebate, all students effectively fund the rebate. VUWSA conducted a survey from 11-29 July, to consult with students regarding changes to the SSL. The survey had received 862 responses as of 27 July. 79% of respondents were against increasing the SSL in 2023. 76% of participants supported VUWSA’s recommended cap on the occupancy charge.

Piss Take: VUW Loo Reviews Then and Now Words by Azaria Howell (she/her)

Reviewing toilets is not a new concept to Te Herenga Waka—Victoria University of Wellington. A 2015 Salient feature with a whopping 1,274 words details rumours of a luxurious lavatory within the humble Old Kirk building and tells stories of piss-covered seats in the Hunter Lounge. Salient also previously published four editions of a recurring segment called “The Poo Review”. Now, toilet reviews have reached a new medium, with one student ‘taking the piss’ on TikTok. With only 5 videos so far, @vuwtoiletreviews has already amassed a whopping 805 followers, with a social media influence that continues to grow daily. Salient spoke to the anonymous reviewer to see what goes on behind the scenes of a VUW toilet review and how the account got overnight fame. The owner of @vuwtoiletreviews is a self-described “passionate and hard working student” who often finds themself doing readings on campus.

The student stated they work in housekeeping, adding that they “know what a good clean toilet looks like”. Overall, the official reviewer’s favourite toilets are the MacLaurin toilets. They are apparently “very secluded and very nice and clean”. The reviewer made the account after hearing about the Hugh McKenzie “floating” toilets, which was the first review on the account. @vuwtoiletreviews wants to showcase the highs and lows of the University’s porcelain thrones. The owner of the account told Salient: “I look for anything that stands out. It was the coffee cup in the first video and the grout wall in the second. These little touches just make the bathroom unique and allow people who watch my videos to go in and experience what I experienced first hand. Cleanliness is another factor. If it ain’t clean, it loses at least 9 points!”

“Heartbreaking:” Vic Books Pipitea Says Goodbye Words by Azaria Howell (she/her)

Vic Books first opened its doors in 1975 on Victoria University of Wellington’s Kelburn Campus. The flagship store would almost instantly become a hub for literature, wholesome pre-lecture chats, and a good coffee. Pipitea’s store opened in 2016. Until this year, Vic Books Pipitea has served as a caffeine pit-stop for Law and Commerce students. The store had its last day on July 23. Vic Books manager Jessica Godfrey told Salient the bookstore “always invested in where the students were located.” “We moved to Pipitea to help Law and Government students have easy access to their textbooks, student notes…. Lisa and Karen who ran Vic Books Pipitea have worked for Vic Books longer than I have. I think they are the personality of Vic Books Pipitea – knowledgeable, engaged and caring,” Godfrey added. The closure of the Pipitea store was “heartbreaking” to staff. Commenting on the value of the store, Godfrey said, “I think Universities need bookstores. Kind of like suburbs need dairies. We don’t value them till they’re gone.”

Godfrey added that her best memory of Vic Books Pipitea was the first day they had reopened after the protests at parliament in February, saying “Geoffrey Palmer and Kenneth Keith came in and had saved up all their book spending money over the weeks to use that day.” Victoria University of Wellington Law Students’ Society (VUWLSS) President Manraj Singh Rahi said Vic Books Pipitea was “a vital hub at our campus” and “an important resource to ensure students could access the learning materials they need.” Singh Rahi added that with Pipitea’s closure, “these materials are now more inaccessible, and we anticipate fewer students will purchase their course texts.” VUWLSS said they hope the replacement can “continue to offer a service and sense of community that Pipitea needs.” The cafe part of Vic Books Pipitea will soon be replaced with The Lab. The manager of The Lab at Kelburn Campus said he “can only hope to replicate the success [The Lab] has had at [their] other branches”. www.salient.org.nz

It’s Not Me, It’s You: Students’ Perspectives on the ‘Brain Drain’ Words by Beth Mountford (she/her)

With the gradual reopening of New Zealand’s borders, there has been much speculation in mainstream media about a ‘brain drain’. For those unfamiliar with the term, a ‘brain drain’ is the emigration of skilled workers from a particular country to another where they may be attracted by higher rates of pay or better opportunities. Salient caught up with some VUW students and graduates joining the drain about why they’re feeling drawn away from New Zealand and what the move means to them. Pete McKenzie, who graduated with a VUW Honours Degree in Law and a Bachelor of Arts at the end of last year is soon heading to New York to begin a Masters Degree. McKenzie says it has been a “confronting experience realising that [he is] part of the brain drain,” but maintains that moves such as his have overall benefits for New Zealand. “You want people with overseas experience, you want people to bring back fresh perspectives,” he said. McKenzie says that the rising cost of living and rental prices in Wellington “removes an obstacle” to making the move overseas, saying “it’s easy to not go overseas if everything is really good here but if the cost of living is the same in the states as it is in NZ then that’s one barrier that’s missing.” Fulbright, a cultural exchange programme that operates between New Zealand and the US, declined to have a phone conversation. They stated in an email to Salient that “part of [their] kaupapa is for Fulbrighters to share their mahi in the US and then when they come back to Aotearoa, share what they learnt in the US.” They said that “on the whole” their scholars come back to New Zealand and stay here “so the brain drain (while it’s definitely a thing) is less of an issue for [them]”. Other students cited better work opportunities overseas. Masters in Design student Elliot said that many of his friends who have already moved overseas are “doing the same jobs but for three times as much [pay] and a lot more respect as an employee”.

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For him it follows logically that people would leave after graduating, as “you don’t have those ties”. “For example I brought this real nice set of Milwaukee socket wrenches the other day and I was like oh shit, if I’m going overseas what am I going to do with my nice set of Milwaukee socket wrenches that I just bought,” he said. Patrick, a third year Bachelor of Arts student says that he has “always felt constrained by the anti-intellectual culture here in New Zealand” in which cultural pursuits are “poorly understood…and viewed largely as pretentious”. He says that going overseas after completing his qualifications is something he “need[s] to go and do”. In order to remain in New Zealand he would need to be offered “high job satisfaction, decent pay and access to those jobs”. Kate Prickett, Director of the Roy McKenzie Centre for the Study of Families, says that New Zealand’s current brain drain is two-pronged; we have people leaving because of the economic circumstances as well as “a bit of catch up” due to the re-opening of the borders. On the economic circumstances she said “even if you stay here and turn a wage your wage is not going to be keeping up with the housing costs. To get a mortgage and to get onto the housing ladder is not something that’s available for young people to work towards right now.” She says that the resolution of issues such as the affordable housing crisis will have to be “part of the picture” to attract kiwis back to New Zealand. “It’s not just always going to be about the love of New Zealand and wanting to be here. People need to feel that they can come back and have a stable house to live in, that they can have career prospects and opportunities too,” she said. All of the students and graduates that Salient interviewed professed their love for New Zealand. They collectively spoke of a natural curiosity to explore, to see “bigger and better” things, and have the fabled overseas experience.

H e a dline Junkie:

A Bite-Sized Look Into the Big Stories

Words by Azaria Howell (she/her) and Beth Mountford (she/her) TW: Homophobia Green Co-Leadership Not a Shaw Thing

Luxon in Hot Water, Quite Literally

After Salient broke the news about a potential Green Party leadership spill at the Party AGM, votes came through showing nearly one-third of Party delegates voted against re-nominating co-leader James Shaw. A co-leader vote is expected to take place in the coming weeks. Chlöe Swarbrick declined to run for Greens co-leader, stating the vote against Shaw was “unprecedented”. Teanau Tuiono has confirmed in a press conference that he is considering contesting the co-leadership.

Leader of the National Party Christopher Luxon has been met with backlash after travelling to the tropical destination of Hawai’i over Parliament’s break. A social media post from the opposition leader stated he was campaigning in Te Puke at the time of his vacation, which some have labelled as “misleading”. Luxon stated “we genuinely made a mistake and we own up to it.” Despite this, Luxon did not agree that the post was misleading, adding he was “not losing sleep” over the matter.

Smokefree Aotearoa Closer Than Ever

Auckland Mayoral Candidates Treading on Eggshells

Amendments to the Smokefree Environments and Regulated Products Act 1990 have passed their first reading in Parliament with a clear majority. The Bill received cross-party support from all parties other than ACT. ACT Deputy Leader Brooke Van Velden stated the amendments to the legislation were “shortsighted”, adding that the change would “increase organised crime”. The amendments seek to reduce the amount of nicotine available in smoking products and ban all sales of tobacco products to people born in or after 2009. Associate Minister of Health Ayesha Verrall said the Bill seeks to end harm. Aussie Rugby Players Boycott ‘Pride’ Jersey Seven players from Sydney’s Manly Sea Eagles NRL Club have refused to wear an updated ‘pride’ rugby jersey, depicting a rainbow on the chest of the shirt alongside advertisements. Team Coach Des Hasler confirmed these players would not take part in the game where the one-off jersey will be worn. On social media, Conversion Therapy Action Group co-founder and activist Shaneel Lal said “the Polynesian NRL players refusing to wear a uniform that has a rainbow on it for ‘cultural’ reasons is a joke. Pacific cultures, even outside Polynesia is rich in queerness.” Sea Eagles team captain Daly Cherry-Evans wanted pride to be celebrated in rugby, hoping attention will turn to the “17 players out there celebrating inclusiveness and diversity”.

The Auckland Mayoral Debate, held at Auckland University on 26 July, has been modestly described as “lively” after crowd members egged mayoral candidate and New Conservative co-leader Ted Johnston. Two eggs were thrown in total: one hit Johnson square in the shoulder, the other failed to collide directly with a target, but did splatter some residue on another mayoral contender Craig Lord. Johnson, who displays egg-like features himself, has said he is unbothered by the incident after 10 years working as a bouncer. The egg-throwing bandit is yet to be caught after fleeing the scene immediately. Bye Bye Bloomfield :( Friday 29 July saw Director General of Health Dr Ashley Bloomfield’s last day on the job. After the most turbulent four years his role has ever seen, Bloomfield announced in April that he would be stepping down. He told Jack Tame “[t]he thing I’m proudest of is what we managed to achieve through our vaccination programme.” He has become a celebrity and a household name (some even go as far as to say a “saint”), a true beacon of stability throughout the Covid-19 pandemic.

Metlink Gives New Meaning to Cancel Culture The Wellington region has seen over 1,000 buses being cancelled in the past week, with a significant shortage of drivers. Metlink representatives have blamed Covid-19 and the flu season for the driver shortage, stating that sickness is hard to plan around. The New Zealand Herald reports that over 120 bus drivers across the Wellington region have been sick and unable to work. www.salient.org.nz

Words by Ethan Manera (he/him) As local elections approach and the Wellington City Council mayoralty race heats up, Salient sits down with the main players at a location of their choosing to share a drink and discuss their ambitions for Pōneke. This week we met with former Green Party Chief of Staff, Tory Whanau (Pakakohi, Taranaki). Running for Mayor with the Party’s endorsement, Whanau has what she describes as “green values”. She aligns with key Green Party policies such as free public transport, affordable housing, and climate action. Whanau initially asked to meet at Noble Rot, a swanky wine bar off Cuba Street. But in a last minute change of heart, she requested to “pretty please” meet at Lulu instead saying it’s “much less ponsy” and “age appropriate”. By the time we arrived, Lulu had just opened for the night. Tory had secured us a table and immediately offered to buy us a round of drinks. We obliged and opted for a flaming volcano cocktail bowl. She took a more sophisticated approach, choosing a glass of red. As our trough of flaming boozy punch arrived, we got stuck in to some meaty policy discourse. Why is she running?

Poverty and Homelessness

Whanau said she had “always intended to run for Mayor”. Growing up in Patea, the role of Mayor was always well respected. Whanau added that the current mayoral candidates can’t garner the same respect from their constituents. She said she is the “only progressive candidate” when it comes to renters rights, affordable housing, and developing a “climate resilient city”.

Tory shared her vision for those experiencing poverty and homelessness, something that she’s “big on”.

Housing “Its fucked, lets fix it”: Whanau believes housing is too inaccessible. She says “we just need [a] huge supply, I’m all for medium to high density, [...] Everyone deserves a warm, dry home.” “I’m the only candidate who is unequivocally in favour of increasing housing supply through quality density.” She also believes she’s the only candidate who is a renter, saying “I did own a home, I sold it so that I can pay for my campaign.” Working with Renters United, as well as being in conversation with Chlöe Swarbrick, Whanau is exploring the possibility of supporting renters through a rental warrant of fitness.

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“Other [candidates] might be inclined to be like, oh, we’ll just shove them into houses in the suburbs or something like that. No, they’re part of our community, so we need to give them access to a home.” Whanau believes it needs a multi-layered approach, saying “it’s just all that systemic stuff; it’s just going to take years to undo oppression and colonisation.” Her position includes increases to supply and quality of public housing, as well as better mental health support. Pedestrianise Wellington As a flagship policy, Whanau made headlines for her plans to pedestrianise Cuba Street from Wakefield Street to Karo Drive, making the iconic location more friendly and accessible to those on foot while still maintaining a few car parks for accessibility reasons. She voiced her support for Lets Get Wellington Moving (LGWM) and the further pedestrianisation of the ‘Golden Mile’ which would see Lambton Quay, Willis St, Manners St, and Courtenay Place become more pedestrian friendly.

Climate Whanau’s plans for the climate are ambitious, with a policy to plant a million native trees and shrubs in Wellington over the next ten years, as well as incorporating green spaces throughout the city. Throughout the evening, the phrase “climate resilient city” was thrown around repeatedly. Aiming for low emissions public transport, sustainable housing, and trees and streams peppered throughout the CBD, Whanau’s vision is for a “clean, green” Wellington. Public Transport Although supportive of the Government’s move to make public transport half price, she says “it needs to be free”. Whanau believes free public transport will incentivise drivers to switch over to the climatefriendly alternative, but will also help with the cost of living. She also is a “huge advocate” for light rail, saying in the future it should be extended to other suburbs. “I’d love to see one in Karori,” she said. Opponents Credit: WWC

“It’s time for a wahine Māori to lead the capital city” Lotto As Whanau ordered us a second round of drinks, she spilt the beans on a lesser known fact of her past. At 20 years old, Whanau was struggling to make ends meet while working as an RA in Cumberland House. She had just applied for a third job. “I was failing [Political Science] because I was just working too much.” Whanau said she “needed an out” so decided to buy a Lotto ticket saying “I saw everyone else in line and I was just like, I’m gonna win, suckers.”

So far, the Wellington mayoralty is a three-horse race between Whanau, current Mayor Andy Foster, and former Deputy Mayor and Labour MP Paul Eagle. Whanau isn’t afraid to dish out some cheeky criticism of the other candidates. For Labour-endorsed Paul Eagle, her message is “you’ve been Deputy Mayor, you were on [the] Council for a long time, you’ve been an electorate MP. It’s time to step aside.” Whanau’s message to incumbent candidate Andy Foster is “it is time to step aside and let some new leadership through.” She says he’s “actually a lovely guy” but is “the face of non-delivery” and hasn’t been able to unify the council. “They’ve done their dash, man. It’s time for a wahine Māori to lead the capital city, [...] how inspiring would that be? It would be so fucking cool.”

Whanau was on duty in the hall when she checked her ticket and realised she had won $1.4m. “I taped it to my body in bed.” “[I] looked after my family, paid off their mortgage, took a year off uni [and] got myself right. And then I just kind of didn’t really spend it.” Whanau said her Lotto winnings are directly funding her campaign; “I’m not going to get the donations to win this campaign [...] so thank goodness because now I can actually play with the big players.” Credit: Whanau for Mayor Facebook

www.salient.org.nz

YEAH THE B YS! CONVERSATIONS ON LOVE Words by Lauren Walker (she/her)

Last week I interviewed some of my male friends to get their opinions on love and relationships. Their names have been changed for anonymity. When I asked them what their first memory of love was, I was told stories of a mother’s love, of spending time with mates. Tiny intimate moments which slid between the seconds and minutes. In contrast, the answers I received about their experiences with love and relationships as adults seemed hopeless. There was an obvious feeling of pressure to find something meaningful, or on the flip side, to push love away altogether. While women are privy to heartbreak, outspoken, and excitable about love with their girlfriends, it’s not often that we get to hear the male perspective. It was an honour to be trusted with these mens’ thoughts, feelings, and opinions on matters so personal and close to the heart. Here are some of the things they said.

What is your earliest recollection of experiencing love? Luca: We went to church a lot when I was little, which is incredibly boring for little kids, and I’d often fall asleep or be very tired at the end of it. One of the times when mass finished I was really tired, so my mum picked me up and carried me. I would play with the small necklace that she wore when she carried me. I felt safe, warm, and comfortable. It felt like as long as I was here, everything would be okay.

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Tell me about a time when you felt love? Dami: The easiest times to explain are the ones when you are a bit fucked up and you look around and see all your friends doing exactly what you want to be doing. You just feel overwhelmed with happiness. Most of the time this is at parties/festis, as the environment helps. But I have felt this feeling on quiet Wednesday nights too, when all we do is sit around and yarn and watch sport.

Have you ever had your heart broken? Andrew: I’m a bit of a chronic romantic, so this happens more often than I’d care to admit... Starts with confusion and processing their side of the story, which is normally contrary to the narrative I’ve constructed in my brain. Next comes the big sad, and feelings of not being enough or [wondering] what you could have done differently. failure as a man and as a romantic partner.

Jay: I have had my heart broken many times in love, friendship, and life. Each time has forced me to examine myself in my most vulnerable state. I think it’s difficult to pinpoint the wave of different feelings you experience when someone or something breaks your heart. I realise my ex-girlfriend breaking my heart made me feel grief and loss, the same kind I’ve felt when people I’ve loved have died. Grief that accompanied a sense of real failure as a man and as a romantic partner.

What is your favourite part about dating? Luca: That feeling after you[’ve] met and clicked with someone and you know you wanna see them again. All of my positive dating experiences have started this way, completely unplanned encounters with no agenda to find someone.

What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever done to impress someone? Jacques: Incredibly embarrassing, but for some reason throughout Year 10 I was interested in this girl who was sought after by a few people at the time. We were chatting on the landline phone, and I can’t exactly remember how this happened, but I ended up singing “Little Things” by One Direction over the phone to this person, thinking it was going to make them think the world of me.

What is more important to you: an emotional connection or a physical connection? Jacques: I’d have to say emotional connection. You can go out to town on any weekend and have a physical connection with someone and never speak to them again, yet an emotional connection is a lot harder to gain and not something you can just not associate with so easily.

What is your biggest regret in your romantic dating history? Andrew: My biggest regret in dating, I think, would be not expressing my own feelings enough or how I think about specific things. I think keeping a lot of my own personal feelings to myself and letting things bottle up is what leads to the majority of my relationships ending or becoming distant. Because I don’t express how I feel, I can’t expect change, yet will still want change.

If you could change one thing about a past relationship or romance, what would it be and why? Luca: I faced a lot of rejection in my life. They say you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Well I missed nearly every single one I did. Still, as much as this masochism hurt every single time I was rejected, I wouldn’t change it. There’s a very primal form of hurt in rejection, being told you’re not good enough as a male. But once I began sorting my life out I met my current girlfriend, and all that pain was worth it because it made me a better partner than I would have been otherwise.

Are you in love right now? Dami: I’m in love with my current partner and we live together. When I travel for work […] seeing my partner when I get back is now so much like coming home in a metaphorical sense. I feel back at peace and grounded again. I feel warm and safe and still.

I asked the boys whether they ever open up to their mates about love. Davide: I’d say it’s a lot harder to express the feeling of “love” with other males without the fear of getting roasted or sounding soppy. It’s somewhat seen as a soft subject, so to be talking about it a lot in those kinds of environments can make you look soft to the wider group.

Luca: 100%. I’d say that men find it difficult because of the expectations that are put on men to not express emotion and just get on with things. For men it’s a lot harder to talk about things because they don’t want to be seen as weak or helpless.

Andrew: Not at all. I’m not sure what it is, but I rarely feel comfortable sharing this stuff with my male peers (think maybe once a year). The one exception is my brother. When the topic does come up, we normally just discuss the facts and not the feelings, under the guise of humour.

Jay: Idk, it’s the classic cliche. You need to be strong. With girls, I find I can ask a simple “how you going?” and they’re fully equipped to tell you how and why in full detail. With a lot of guys, they really aren’t, and you end up having to ask a lot of leading questions to get something out of them. I have a good group of friends and we’re all pretty comfortable talking about our love lives and struggles with relationships. I don’t think this is the norm though. I think a lot of guys don’t have people they can talk to about the more sensitive aspects of their relationship.

Jacques: I wouldn’t say “afraid”. There’s a societal expectation put on men by men and women to keep issues to yourself. Women say they wish guys could be more open with them and be emotional, but I don’t think that is true or necessary. Men don’t need to cry over their feelings to feel better about them all the time. Most of the time we just want a solution.

Dami: It’s especially unsettling opening up to someone who hasn’t opened up to you. I think the responses to this interview being in written format and you being a woman has probably yielded great results. [This is compared to] if the interviewer was male and in person.

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TH E DATING THE M A STE R DOC MASTE Words by Janhavi Gosavi (she/her) I present to you my magnum opus of dating advice. From one lovesick fool to another.

Before you start dating, ask yourself What do you want out of dating?

What kinds of dates can you afford?

Your answer doesn’t have to be set in stone, but it’s important to have that conversation with yourself. Do you want to find someone to hit up for a good time on a Saturday night, or someone to do your weekly supermarket shop with?

Dating does not need to be an expensive affair, especially considering so many of us are strapped for cash. Find out how much disposable income you have before setting your sights on elaborate date plans. You may have enough to get drinks once in a while, but not enough to go out for fancy dinners. If you’re on your savings grind, you can proactively plan cost-free dates like a walk in the Botans.

Are you genuinely prepared to date? I’ve met many people who put themselves on the market but aren’t actually ready to date. Are you emotionally available? Can you find time in your schedule to invest in someone else? Are you mature enough to handle rejection? What do you consider red flags and pink flags? Whip out your phone, pull up your notes app, and make a list of your personal pink and red flags. This list is a living document that you should keep adding to, a reminder of your standards and boundaries. Red flags are non-negotiable deal breakers. When you see a red flag, a big siren should go off in your head, along with a flashing sign that reads “EVACUATE”. Pink flags are causes for concern that are up for discussion. Depending on the person you’re dating, a pink flag may escalate to a red flag or diminish away completely. For example, being racist or homophobic is a red flag, while having differing political views could be a pink flag.

www.salient.org.nz

First dates The first date is an audition

Send them a message after your date

First dates can be a performance, so they’re best viewed as such. You’re putting your best foot forward to audition for the part of ‘new love interest’, and every move you make is being scrutinised.

Contrary to what early 2000s rom-coms believe, you don’t have to wait 24 hours to message someone. It’s good practice to thank someone for their time within a few hours of your date. While we’re on the topic of messaging, I personally love it when someone asks me for my actual phone number. It feels much more sincere than asking for my Snapchat (gag). Instagram or Facebook Messenger are good middle grounds.

The ‘audition mentality’ particularly applies when the person you’re going on a date with is someone you’ve met online and/or don’t particularly know well. Auditions are best kept to an hour; long enough to get a good gauge of the other person, but short enough to not feel like a drag. I once went on a three hour long audition, where we ate gelato for 20 minutes and then sipped water for the rest of the time because neither of us knew how to leave. I had to get up to pee more than once. Where to stage your audition? I’d recommend going on a date during the day time, in a public place. That way, no one makes unwanted assumptions about what your date may lead to. I struggle to eat in front of people I don’t know well, so I’d recommend ordering a drink. If the audition goes well, you can sip at your own leisure. If it goes badly, you can gulp that shit down. First date conversation topics If you’re not a confident conversationalist, there is no shame in pre-preparing anecdotes to share in case an awkward silence arises. I’m an advocate for doing a healthy (but not stalker-ish) amount of research on your date before you see them. Brush up on their basic facts so you’re not confined to asking them what hall of residence they attended or what their majors are. Before delving into topics like religion and identity, read the room. If it’s important to you that your political beliefs line up with who you date, I’d say get right into it. Looking someone in the eye and asking them if they self-identify as a feminist is a great way to weed out the weaklings.

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Learn how to reject someone Resist the urge to ghost people. You think you’re letting them down easy, but you’re actually just afraid of confrontation. The most empathetic way to reject someone is by being direct, kind, and firm. If you’re rejecting someone because you’re simply not into them, it’s best to be vague about it. No one needs to know that you think they’re “great” but you’re “not physically attracted to them”. If someone has made you uncomfortable or offended you (and you feel safe enough to voice this), let them know the reason you will not be seeing them again. If you don’t know someone well, reject them via message. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, you might want to have that conversation in person. Do not get the two mixed up, it will lead to unnecessary hurt. Learn how to receive rejection If someone has just sent you a message to say they no longer want to see you, remember that you don’t have to reply instantly. Who cares if they know you’ve read the message? Take your time to formulate your response so that your first words aren’t “fuck you”. Here is a base script to work off: “Hey, thanks for letting me know, I appreciate your honesty. I’ve had a great time getting to know you, so I’m a bit gutted, but I wish you the best and hope to see you around! [If you do want to stay friends, let them know here].”

In the thick of it Say the words Ask each other what you want out of this dynamic and where you see it going. “What are we?” feels like a gross question to ask but it’s a crucial part of the process. Vocalising your feelings is not contrived nor cringe, it ensures you’re on the same page. If you find something good and real, don’t walk away

Sometimes the best thing that can come out of a failed date is a successful friendship I speak from a lot of experience. If a potential love interest fizzles into a friendship that stands the test of time, that’s a win – a big fucking win. Relish in your new-found friendships. Who else are you going to tell your future date stories to?

Self sabotage is rife amongst the young and single. We all want to have our lives relatively together before dating someone else, but there’s no such thing as being 100% ready. The timing is never going to be textbook-perfect. There will always be logical reasons to say ‘no’, or ‘not now’. But if what you’ve got is good and real, find a reason to say ‘yes’.

Do not let dating become your source of serotonin

This city is too damn small to make enemies out of people you’ve dated

Dating is unstable. Find stable sources of happy hormones.

Protect your energy because dating can be taxing. It’s all well and good when the person you’re dating becomes your favourite notification … until they ghost you and the sight of your phone lighting up makes you mad.

Everytime you end things with someone in a bad way, that’s one more person you have to avoid on the street. For a capital city, Wellington is surprisingly small, and we’re all constantly running into people we wish we didn’t know. There’s a decent chance you’ll see people you’ve dated at flat parties, lecture theatres, or professional work spaces. Keep things civil and keep it pushing. Not every bridge needs to be burned.

www.salient.org.nz

THE MOST STABLE WHEEL Words by Bridget Scott (she/her)

I’ve been single my entire life. Given I’m twentyone and blessed with a combination of chronic lesbianism and half-hearted cynicism, this is hardly an earth-shattering revelation. It’s not something I’m stressed about, but when everyone’s coupling up, I get the creeping feeling that I’m the third wheel on the bicycle of their eternal love.

There’s a gendered element to this experience. In a 1980’s essay by philosopher Adrienne Rich entitled ‘Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence’ she asked straight women, in the words of author Amia Srinivasan, to “[t]hink back… to the first time you betrayed your best friend for male attention. Was that natural? Inevitable? Or something demanded of you by the infrastructure of male domination[?]”

My first foray into the third wheel dynamic was at fifteen. Spending high school with a boy-crazy best friend meant spending my days fielding dozens of texts about his weird mum or the girl in his Classics class. Most of the time this was pretty funny. In suburban Dunedin we needed something for entertainment. But when our New Year’s plans were abandoned, when the same drama was relegated for the umpteenth time, or when she only called me stuck, trying to sneak into her boyfriend’s house, it sucked.

Queer people tend to pride themselves on escaping this trap. You’re far more likely to hear us joke about dating within friend groups or the exes-to-besties pipeline. Rather than queer relationships acting as a tool of the patriarchy, their subversive nature means they serve to challenge it. In The Argonauts, poet Maggie Nelson writes that “[w]hatever sameness I’ve noted in my relationships with women is not the sameness of Woman…it is the shared, crushing understanding of what it means to live in a patriarchy.”

CW: Mention of Abusive Relationships

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And yet the stereotype of fast-moving Sapphics has truth to it. When queer couples progress with a speed and intensity that would raise red flags in other circumstances, the behavior of besotted gays goes unchallenged and accepted as the norm. I’m not convinced this narrative is healthy or uplifting for our community. Meditating on her experience in an abusive queer relationship, author Carmen Maria Machado notes that this accepted normality fundamentally contradicts feminist beliefs. “You have spent your whole life listening to your father talk about women’s emotions…All these years telling him he’s full of bullshit… and here you are learning that lesbian relationships are, somehow, different – more intense and beautiful but also more painful and volatile, because women are all these things too?” Thankfully, this doesn’t have to be a permanent state of affairs. There are a few different paths I’ve explored over the years. But to preserve your friendships and start moving forward, it’s crucial to have a few strategies prepared in advance. People in relationships rarely intend to be exclusionary; they are simply delusional. They have no capacity to gauge how those around them might be vibing in any given situation. If you’re upset, there’s no alternative but to communicate that. When broaching the subject, focus on yourself rather than the couple. Unless a relationship is harmful, resist the urge to insist your mate break up with their dirtbag partner. Forcing someone to choose alienates all parties involved and escalates tensions.

is a hot beverage followed up with a barrage of niche TikToks to reopen communication lines. The possibilities are endless, and building new connections means developing stronger social ties distinct from the drama that couples around you create. The other option, is of course, to generate your own drama. Embrace your competitive side and work to beat couples at their own game. If you’re interested in dating, now is the time for Tinder. Everyone loves their single friend with chaotic stories that are, unlike couple stories, actually interesting. You’re the main character, baby. Let’s develop content for your memoir. This doesn’t require becoming a hook-up fiend (although, power to all those in their hot girl era). Catching up with someone new for a drink is enough. I’ve chatted over cocktails with a US Coast Guard deckhand en route to Antarctica, a Tumblr famous micro influencer, and someone who could not comprehend what the term “girlboss” means. None of these interactions led to love; that wasn’t the point. Each one was an adventure with possibility and excitement that eventually lent itself to a dramatic recreation after a glass of sangria. It can be lonely when it feels like everyone but you is lovesick. But with that feeling comes opportunity. Amongst the antics and sadness lies the chance to strengthen the whole spectrum of your friendships and discover the possibilities of operating on your own terms.

Instead, address one or two specific things that make you uncomfortable. Condescending comments about singledom, including their partner in a discussion of your personal life, or ghosting are all totally reasonable things to be upset about! Let them respond, then move the conversation on. Friends care about each other. In most cases, a heads up is all it takes to build a more mindful relationship. But it also might not. A particularly horny treacle-soaked couple could fail to respond entirely, despite your best efforts. If that happens, it’s time to look elsewhere. Not everyone is in a relationship. Lots of folk are single! Or have no interest in dating! Or are mellow in long-term relationships! It can be intimidating to reach out if you haven’t caught up in a while, but people are generally stoked when others make an effort. My fail-safe friendship rekindling method www.salient.org.nz

THE POWER OF THE ICK Words by Joanna Fan (she/her) Shit can go south very quickly in the early phases of dating. All it takes is a single ick and poof, the magic’s gone. No one WANTS to get the ick, but we’re all innately human and completely uncontrollable. Before a relationship begins, there will be multiple warning signs along the way. If a red flag is a deal breaker, a pink flag is a turnoff, a.k.a. an ick. An ick is a moment of clarity that arises against your will. Did that person really show up wearing ripped skinny jeans? God, she’s a horse girl? He CLAPPED when the movie ended? And you think: what the fuck is wrong with me? Should I be cringing over such minute details? Icks are subjective, personal, and often irrational. They’re triggered by specific choices that your date acts upon. But they can also have legitimate consequences on your budding relationships.

The people have spoken, and here are their biggest icks: Using emojis unironically The truth is hard to hear, but there is no reason for someone to be using emojis unironically if they’re under 40. And yes, I am specifically talking about that crying-laughing one. I don’t need matching visuals for every text someone sends.

Playing crack the egg on the trampoline, but they’re the egg This is one that requires your imagination. I can’t say many people have experienced this ick first hand. But the thought of the person I’m dating in a fetal position, holding on for dear life, whilst being tossed around a trampoline actually makes me grimace. It has the same energy as riding the bull in Dakota.

Using a baby voice Using a baby voice on small children and pets is disturbing enough, but if someone uses it on grown adults…I’m scared of them.

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Telling a joke in a group setting, but no one hears so they have to repeat it Yes, I did get second hand embarrassment from writing this. There is absolutely no way to recover smoothly after it. But also, you’re lying if you say this has never happened to you. To all the joke repeaters out there: I’m listening. You’re so brave.

No top sheet/dark coloured sheets/a single flat pillow/single bed I’ve seen this exact bedroom a few too many times, particularly from a ~specific group~ of people. First of all, if someone has dark sheets, how are they supposed to know when they’re dirty? Or do dark sheets just provide blissful ignorance? A single FLAT pillow on a single bed tells me the person doesn’t have room for me on their bed, let alone in their life. At the very least, I require a double bed that isn’t touching the floor, with a top sheet and multiple pillows that support my spinal cord and my basic human rights.

Eating food that’s too hot

Calling someone ‘babe’

When someone is already committed to eating food that’s too hot and either has to spit it out or splutter and do that “ah ah ah” thing with their mouth (I wish Salient articles came with sound effects). This is an unavoidable, universal experience, but is still a massive ick. How do you recover from it? It has the same energy as people ordering ‘spicy’ food to seem cool but not being able to handle it when the food arrives. There’s nothing wrong with ordering a ‘mild’ dinner, I promise.

To me, there’s just something so condescending about calling someone babe, especially if you don’t know them well. If someone calls me babe on the first date, I’m out (if you do this ironically, that’s a completely different story, and I’ll give you a pass).

Chasing after a ping pong ball Oddly specific, but I get it. A person’s body just forgets how to move when they do this. Also falling under the same category: someone walking back to their seat after they’ve had their turn at bowling, running to catch the bus with their backpack bobbing up and down, and chasing after a piece of paper that the wind blew away.

Singing loudly and getting the words wrong We’ve all done this drunk at a party, but when someone does it sober it’s 10 times worse. Or when they’re waiting for the beat drop and do that hand thing, but they’re either too early or completely miss it. Equally off-putting.

Some more crowd-sourced icks to make you chuckle: • Running up the stairs on all fours • Eye contact (???)

Replying too quickly/being too available Don’t get me wrong, we love a timely reply. But someone replying within seconds after I’ve taken hours to reply to them? I should not be that much of a priority in the talking phase. Do they work? How much time do they spend on your phone? What is their screen time?

Questionable driving habits There’s a couple icky things to dissect here: 1. When their window wipers are on the highest speed, disproportionate to the level of rainfall.

• Playing air guitar • Making judgments on someone based off of their star sign • No-show socks • Gloves, especially black gloves (love is pain, just freeze) • Wearing t-shirts with cheesy slogans • People who say “don’t talk to me before I’ve had my morning coffee” • Their favourite director being Quentin Tarantino • Not being able to let loose and have a good boogie (the good ol’ “I don’t dance”) • Getting out of a beanbag

2. The inability to parallel park independently. Specifically when you have to get out of the car and guide them in, doing the hand gestures, yelling through the window—the whole shabam.

• Eating a sandwich with the filling spilling out the other side

3. Frozen windscreen. When it doesn’t defrost in time and they have to peer through a tiny hole for visibility. What happened to road safety!

• Drinking Cruisers

• Using Snapchat as your primary mode of communication • Grown adults who can’t use chopsticks

4. And finally, still being on their learner’s past 20. Grow up.

www.salient.org.nz

LOVESICK, POUNAMU WHAREKAWAI, 2022.

STU E NT LOVE ST U D ENT L ET TERS LETTERS Salient asked you to help resuscitate the dying art of love letters by sending in your lovesick confessions. I’m now a postgraduate student, but when I was an undergraduate student from 2017-2019, I spent a lot of time in the blue zone library studying. Specifically, I spent quite a lot of time at those white desks in the blue zone on Level 3 of the library at Kelburn. After a while, you become familiar with ‘the regulars’. And there was one person in particular, we would always smile at each other, and always acknowledge each other with a knowing look of “look at us, at the library again, hiya!” - they seemed really cool, had FIRE fashion, and we actually ended up sitting pretty near each other each time we were in the library because we were weirdly comfortable with each other despite knowing nothing about the other person. Nothing ever happened, but for years we would smile at each other across the desks, or when one of us entered the library, and every so often have a tiny kōrero. I wish them all the best and sending them a smile from across the desk <3 - Gal who spent too much time at those sterile white desks, smiling at you x Mahal kita A Filipino phrase equivalent to saying “I love you.” However, I believe it’s one of the most beautiful ways to say “I love you”. Mahal can be translated as “expensive” or “precious” when used in an endearing way. Kita doesn’t exactly mean “you”. It’s a somewhat combination of ako (me) and ikaw (you). But that doesn’t exactly equal “we”. When I use kita, you can have no doubts that I’m referring to you and you only. So to my one and only love, mahal kita Mickey.

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Look sweetheart, I get that perhaps I’m not the most interesting, attractive or coolest guy out there. But for whatever reason, you were the first (and so far only) man to show any actual interest in me. Which is why, as much as I regret turning you down after shoving my face into your shoulder, it fucking hurts that theres been nothing since and that youve almost ignored me. But because I’m too scared to say that I’m still interested, all I can do is listen to Silver Springs and linger on what could have been. Love, A Lonely, Tearful Idiot Smiley I’ve liked you for a long time, since I met you really. The first time we met was at a party where you beat me at beer pong and we had a drunken boxing match after. I knew you were fun from that moment, and every time we’ve hung out since has been even more fun. We’ve been through a lot together, and I think feeling safe to be vulnerable with you is something I admire the most. You’ve always been kind and open, and make me laugh at the stupidest things. From your meticulous hair styling, to the weekly adventures we go on, to your new found obsession with clash of clans, I find myself loving you more every day. Happy one year and some more, bug 🙂

match made in anth I had this girl in my anth lectures who was cute and always caught each others eye and now we have been together for almost a year ❤ shoot ur shot for that hearthrob that is in ur class it so worth it !!

Lemme juggle your balls I’ve had the fattest crush on a vic rec staff member for over a year now. I saw you playing ball during the league and all I can say is, may I please juggle them balls?

To the frog boy I’m in the fanclub you have rolled a nat 20 in being cute and kind and intellectually stimulating now may we roll for initiative? You go first, I’m too scared

These last two letters are transcriptions of physical letters that were mailed between New Zealand and Canada. Hi Yasmin

Dear Matthew,

Took me long enough eh?

I’m writing this in hopes that everything gets to your place all in one piece. Selecting a gift that was under 400gms that was still worthy of all the hype was a considerable feat. Not to be cringe but its so surreal to think that something I own will physically reach you.

When I sent you that first tinder message asking about your least favourite music genre, I was hoping for an interesting chat about different cultures. I don’t think I could have ever imagined what it would lead to. Since then, you have become a very unique friend and to this day I have trouble trying to describe the full extent of our relationship to people. I’ve included the only original artwork I have made since coming to university, a paua shell necklace and a pounamu drop pendant, which has been blessed, and some kiwi chocolate to sooth the soul. Meeting you is easily one of the best things that has happened to me in these past 2 years. Whenever anything happens in my life, significant or not, the first person I think of telling is you. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is. Thank you for always being there to listen. Sending positive vibrations your way, Matthew Xo

Thank you for sticking around to listen to my mediocre life updates, and for giving me an automatic sense of superiority whenever I find myself in conversations that have anything to do with kiwis. Unfortunately my plans for what to send had to change and downsize a lot but regardless I hope you enjoy it all. Say hello to the flat for me, Love from Canada Yasmin xo (your hot Canadian girlfriend) *Yasmin sent Matthew two paintings she made, in case anyone was agonising over the ambiguity of her letter. www.salient.org.nz

ARIEL AND AURORA, JASMINE AND JULIET Words by Maia Ingoe (she/her)

When I was in high school, my mum gave me a print of a 60s-style comic square. Black and white, it showed a girl with long hair carrying books. She was breaking up with the boy trailing behind her. The comic text read, in capital letters: “It’s not you, it’s the unrealistic expectations Disney has given me of relationships.” It sat stuck on my wall for the remainder of my high school years. Back then, I hadn’t experienced relationships beyond heart-fluttering crushes that never went further than a sideways glance. Now I’ve dallied in a romance or a few, the comic has got me thinking. As a kid, I was a true Disney princess fan. I loved the high-stakes battle in Sleeping Beauty when Phillip slashes through a thorned forest to slay the dragon and awaken his beloved Aurora.

The forbidden love, the crossing of class lines, and success of the underdog in Aladdin. I couldn’t get enough of dreamy Ariel sacrificing all for a chance at love in The Little Mermaid. And I loved how, after breaking Ursula’s spell, Eric was willing to risk everything to not lose Ariel again. My most treasured costume was a princess dress of silk and tulle. I imagined myself as the princess of these fantastical tales, lovestruck but trapped. I wanted a love who would overcome any obstacle to be with me. Now, a bit older and a little scarred by heartbreak, yet still as hopeless as ever, I’ve begun to wonder if my idolised ideas of Disney love aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. My parents divorced when I was seven; I didn’t see love there. Dad rounded through the girlfriends and Mum stayed happily single.

Romance and willing-to-risk-it-all devotion came purely from watching the Disney girls. They had the happy ever after everyone seemed to dream of. The tendency to fantasise about high-stakes romances continued into high school, where I was introduced to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. I was enchanted by the story of star-crossed lovers for whom death was more favourable than living without the other. I have a treasured copy of the play: gold-lined pages with a red velvet cover. All this has made me think I have an inclination to find something high-stakes in my limited love affairs. Something to fight for, or against. Something to overcome in the name of love. This, I’ve decided, can obscure a reality of toxicity, harm, and unhealthy relationships, causing me to trap myself in pairings thinking love can never be easy. If love only exists in times of strife, how can one be happy? The idols of my high-stakes romances are all problematic. They reproduce Eurocentric beauty standards and unhealthy body types, and they are embedded in heteronormativity (Walt Disney Co have donated thousands to homophobic organisations and politicians). In Sleeping Beauty, Aurora was a passive bystander in her own story. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel changed her entire life and left her family for a man. Romeo and Juliet would still be alive if they’d paused to think for one fucking minute. When I moved out of home, I began to see new kinds of love. I saw wholesome interactions in front of the kitchen sink, when people lingered in the hallway, in late-night conversations outside a party, in passionate dancing at Circus on a Thursday night. I also witnessed love that was challenging and wrought with anxiety. I found myself jumping at the earliest opportunity to have someone want me. I found myself compromising my morals in ways I wasn’t proud of because I thought love had to be fought for.

First I witnessed my friend’s heartbreak, and then I witnessed my own. As I slowly came back to myself and re-learned my ways of being, I recalled my childhood Disney princess idols. The forbidden romance, the foes to overcome. I saw my friends enjoy love that was good in all senses of the word. I knew which one I wanted for myself.

Love does not have to be some high-stakes fantasy. There is no need for a formidable foe, for one person to save the other. Looking for such a dynamic leads to a toxic, spiralling pairing where neither comes out unscathed. Love is in the small things. It is in the Sunday morning scrambled egg and coffee rituals Ffion and I share. It is in the smiles of Sylvia and Fraser as they bake together, flour up to their elbows. It is in the song Oliver sung Lily whenever she felt low while they were long distance. It is in the giggles and joking frustration of Tasman trying to convince Alex to move into her room. I have replaced my idolisation of fantasy romance with what I see in the love my friends experience. I see their relationships grow over weeks and months in the flashes of time we spend together. In Disney movies, all we get to see are the beginnings of relationships. Often, those are fraught with miscommunications, half-truths, and something to overcome, be it class divisions, feuding families, or a dragon. The best off-screen relationships are the ones that unfold calmly, like water slowly running over rocks, fraught not with challenge but with easy laughter and shared caring. Romantic love is still constantly revealing itself. But I’ll be sure to discover it as it unravels naturally, on my own terms, in the easy, slow place of a Sunday morning.

www.salient.org.nz

A BUDGET-FRIENDLY GUIDE TO WOAP Words by Beth Brash (she/her) As the Programme Manager of Visa Wellington On A Plate, I’m often asked by friends and family for my picks of the festival. I get it, there’s a lot going on, but we do that for a reason. It’s important that there is something for everyone in the programme. So here are my picks for students and anyone wanting to experience Visa Wellington On A Plate on a budget. There’s so much to do and eat from some of Wellington’s, and the world’s, greatest chefs. Let’s tuck in shall we…

WORLD CLASS CHEFS You don’t have to pay hundreds of dollars to experience food from international chefs and NZ’s best culinary talent.

The Sea Breeze Inn NZ born and international renowned chef Morgan McGlone is heading a team of national favourites Kasey and Kārena (Masterchef winners) and Otis Schapiro (Lilian, Auckland) with a nod to nostalgic childhood family restaurants. Expect classics reinterpreted for today’s palate and tomorrow’s world, using only the most sustainably-sourced catches. 29-31 July from 4pm till late Pop-up is at 6 College St, Te Aro

Boon-tiful Larder at Myrtle Palisa Anderson from Boon Luck Farms and iconic Chat Thai from over the ditch in Sydney collaborate with Wellington favourite The Larder in this noodle pop up. Think big, bold, vibrant Thai flavours, perfect for a midwinter pep up. We’re told Palisa’s one of the best in Sydney right now, so best you get along to this one! 6 August at 11am-2:30pm and 7 August at 5pm-8pm

Next Gen Cook Off at LTD Three courses cooked by rising stars in Wellington’s hospo scene. There’s no set price, you can pay what you feel, and it all goes to charity. Food never tasted this good. Every Monday in August from 6pm

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ALL YOU CAN EAT EVENTS Nothing says value for money like all you can eat. There are two fun events this year where you can get your fill.

Fry Fest at Rosie’s Red Hot Cantina An all you can eat spud extravaganza, serving up every iteration of fried potato from all over the world.

$35

3 August at 5:30pm-6:30pm or 7:15pm-8:15pm

Pie Day Friday at The Cooked Elm All you can eat pies from a pub that’s famous for them.

$45

5 August from 12pm-2pm

POP UPS Pop ups aren’t ticketed, you just turn up on the night. It’s a great chance to check out fancy restaurants trying something new or soak up the atmosphere of an event without the ticket price.

Lost in Space: From Hong Kong to Xi’an Atlas is one of Wellington’s top fine dining restaurants, but they’re completely changing their menu and vibe in August to bring you a tasty menu. You’ll get bold flavour profiles and a fast, fun, casual canteen-style dining experience. On at various times 3-13 August, check out the website for more details

Tory Yaki Chow opened when I was at Vic Uni 21 years ago and they’re celebrating with cocktails at 2001 prices. Join the party on 4 August from 11:30am till late

Plant Power By Bangs Another throwback with a modern twist. Burger Liquor and Bangs are celebrating peace and love with this plant based 60’s party. 9-10 August from 5pm till late

FREE Here are a few great ways to get involved without any cost.

Beervana Volunteer at NZ’s biggest celebration of great beer! Help set up or help breweries out on the day and we will hook you up with a free ticket to come along to another session. Beervana is on 19-20 August, get involved!

Wellington Food Stories Hear from four immigrant communities that have shaped Wellington’s food scene. It’s a chance to hear about different histories of Wellington’s food scene and what has shaped us into being the culinary capital. These are on the first four Tuesdays of August at Te Papa from 5:15-5:45pm, come along and get your cultural fill! www.salient.org.nz

SALIENT PODCASTS

Smooth Brain Society and a Relationship Researcher Discuss Attachment Styles, Red Flags, and Love Words by Sahir Hussain (he/him) and Olivia Webb (she/her) As students, a lot of the information we consume is presented in ways which are hard to understand. To combat this, the Psych Society partnered up with Salient Podcasts to create Smooth Brain Society! It’s a podcast where we invite ‘wrinkly-brained’ (aka smart) individuals to talk about their field of expertise in ways which are easy to digest. For the Lovesick Issue, we reached out to our Instagram followers for their questions about love and romantic relationships. We brought on relationship researcher Dr. Matt Hammond to answer them. One of the big questions we asked him was: why are we drawn to someone when we are not looking for love? Here’s Matt’s answer: What is amazing about love is that we don’t exactly know what happens when you fall in love. But when you fall in love, the biological process that is happening is like an explosion of hormones in your brain. Something triggers it. You see someone across a crowded room and you lock eyes with them. You’re Romeo and they’re Juliet. Your brain goes *BOMFP* and it is full of testosterone and estrogen. It is full of vasopressin and oxytocin. It is full of all of these different neurochemicals that change the ways that you are feeling. Maybe you feel excited or lustful and you want to be close to someone.

The combination of these things means that when you fall in love, you are obsessed with someone. You go to bed, you are full of adrenaline, and you’re not sleeping… (hehehe). Your entire hunger system is dampened down, and you’re like “all I can think about is this person and I want to be close to them.” This is the vasopressin and oxytocin hormones which are bonding in-group/out-group type hormones. It can happen instantly and it can happen over time. So you could start a relationship, and after 7 months of dating be like *BOOM*, we’re in love. But also, if you believe what people say, then it can happen instantly. It’s different for everyone. The only thing we know is that being in love will ruin your day. Whatever you were planning to do that day… forget about it. The rest of your day, and maybe week or lifetime, is now changed. It doesn’t matter what your goals were before, they are now different. Your motivation and what you want is completely different now. If you’re interested in hearing more, tune in to Smooth Brain Society on Spotify.

At the same time, your brain is full of neurotransmitters like dopamine. Your adrenal system kicks off so your heartbeat will genuinely go faster. It’s not a fake feeling when you fall in love. Your heartbeat is genuinely going faster, your skin is genuinely getting redder and more flushed because all of your blood vessels are dilating, and you’re extremely excited. www.salient.org.nz

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Love, Sacrifice, and Accepting Disabilities Words by Kelly Mui (she/her)

CW: Generational Trauma In my culture, to show weakness is to lose face. The Chinese care too much about how others perceive them. The culture, in general, is very judgemental and can be very triggering. It is normalised to make rude and sometimes very triggering comments about people’s weight, job, family, everything. You always have to be successful. The Chinese, and other Asian peoples, are always working very hard to save face and be successful (and boast about it to all the Asian aunties). I call these phenomena the ‘Asian Hustle’. One thing that I find recurring in my life is how much I value the Asian Hustle that I have witnessed in my family over the years. My parents to this day still work 15-18 hour days (with little or no breaks) running their business. They choose to do this, and have taught my siblings and me to keep working hard. I constantly feel like I am letting them down because of the limitations that come with my disability. It’s a mindset that is hard to break out of when it’s been ingrained into you. And it’s part of the reason I will be hesitant to share my struggle and my limits with parents who not only push, but overcome, their limits. Coming from an extraordinarily hard-working family and being held down as ordinary because of disability is not something my family will understand. They do not understand why it can be too difficult and in too much pain to get out of bed some days.

That being said, I am learning to forgive myself for not being able to keep pace with the strides my parents set in motion for me. I have to learn to be kinder to myself and the limits of my body which do not represent the limits of my mind and spirit. It can be difficult. It’s easy to fall into states of hopelessness, fear, and anxiety. Planning your future becomes a terrifying experience. I remind myself that my family has generational trauma scars. Constant death and poverty were ripping through all of China when my parents were children. In a continued cycle of wanting to live an easy life, they worked tirelessly to give me the best, but they kept falling short because of my body. In learning to forgive myself, I have to remember that my parents’ reactions come from a place of deep emotional and physical pain. In learning to forgive myself, I have to let go of the pain and suffering my bloodline endured. They are not upset that I am showing weakness. They fear I will perish like those in their traumatic memories of disability. To me, learning to live with my disability means learning to let go of our past. Learning to live with my disability is almost like a sign of the times. When my family accepts it, we’ll know that times have changed. I just hope to support them and give them the easy life they deserve.

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Maintaining Your Wellbeing While in a Relationship Words by Cileme Venkateswar (she/her)

For all the endless rom-coms about the perils of dating in your 20s, it’s also true that dating, crushes, and being in relationships can be some of the most exciting and rewarding parts of your adult life. There’s so much to learn from romance. Whether that’s about yourself, about the kind of people you like having around, or just for great party stories about disastrous dating tribulations. What nobody seems to warn you about dating at this stage of your life is the difficulty in balancing student struggles, nurturing your own growth and wellbeing, and healthy dating experiences. When who you are is changing and evolving so quickly, it’s easy to lose yourself in the enamoured, exciting messiness of dating. It’s never going to be smooth sailing all the time, but it’s worth fortifying your own wellbeing needs before venturing out into the turbulent seas of dating. Every relationship comes with their own unique circumstances to steer through. My trusty Instagram followers pulled through with advice from their own experiences on how to maintain individual wellbeing whilst in a relationship. The biggest piece of advice is hobbies. Trust me, I get it, easier said than done at uni. But investing in hobbies gives you a reprieve from study. They are vital in developing a strong sense of self. Social sports, embroidery, gymming, learning a language, even watching Love Island with your flatmates – hobbies make you you. They’re your signposts that guide you back in the direction of who you are when you’re a little lost. It’s so tempting to share every part of yourself and your life with your significant other, but keep some things just yours. Hobbies also make the things you do share together more special!

with each other are inevitable. But it’s important you aren’t distanced from friends and family in favour of your significant other. Boundaries are crucial and they strengthen any relationship. Communicate boundaries from the outset, including what friendships each of you want to maintain individually. This will ensure you both have people in your corner who aren’t caught in a complicated in-between if the relationship gets messy. Although it might not be welcome, another key wellbeing tip I would impart to anyone is: consider when a relationship needs to come to an end. Why are you with your partner? Do you share interests, values, or passions? Are you friends with each other? If things you do together aren’t things you would do on your own or with friends, there may be little foundation for a strong, long-term relationship. Any relationship – long or short, platonic or romantic (excluding abusive situations) – is always a chance for growth and connection. It is worth the experience and learning from one another. Sometimes you keep learning from each other your whole lives. Sometimes it’s only for a little while, but that’s not a failure on anyone’s part. People come and go. If they play a part in shaping who you are, they’ll always stay with you in one way or another.

The honeymoon period is real, and we all know it. Those initial months getting to know someone you’re dating and being disgustingly obsessed www.salient.org.nz

NGĀI TAUIRA

Living In Two Realities

Words by Aliyah Tiuka (she/her; Ngāi Tūhoe, Ngāti Kahungunu) Lovesickness is felt by many. Yet it is something so complex and versatile that I don’t think that it can be fully described. It’s missing someone so much that you miss them even when you’re in their presence. Or missing them from afar with a few hundred kilometers in between. It might even be a longing feeling for someone who you either cannot have, used to know, or just wish they were there with you. Is it worse than a breakup or even similar? There are many distinct interpretations of love, varying across cultures. Different observations and perspectives. No matter how deeply someone’s ability to love is buried, each person has the capacity to love within themselves. I believe that lovesickness derives from love that is delicate, as if it were a plant that needs water to give it life. You need to water it occasionally to keep it growing. Otherwise, it will shrivel up and wilt away, just like love that is not reciprocated. Our emotions can be intense, like a breath not being able to escape. Anxiousness can feel like walking into a university lecture late and all eyes turning to you as you try to find a seat. Sometimes we might use our emotions to justify our situations.

Giving off the “it izz what it izz” behaviour. In the beginning, the thoughts circulating your mind are about whether or not you are actually interested. You’re cautious. Playing the waiting game. Catching feelings for each other with no clue if you’re actually going to end up experiencing happiness in the longterm. You’re infatuated with them. A story you write as you go, I suppose. But then the feeling of love appears. Love may be an amazing feeling, but it holds so much unfairness. It is a full-time occupation. Mindconsuming and time-consuming. You give so much of yourself to ensure that feeling of love is a positive one. Then the lovesickness begins. Your mind becomes vacant, lost in a world of confusion. Every feeling you have is an overdose of the last. You find ways to decrease the pain. Isn’t it ironic that love, whatever shape or form that it is to you, is one of the most elusive and difficult feelings that we as individuals will always try to attain? Human nature directs us to seek love, even if we end up dislocating our head or heart just to experience it.

We get our hopes up for a specific ending, an ending we’ve dreamt in our minds. Devoting all our energy, passion, time, and love into someone or something that we’ve put on a pedestal. Maybe that’s just the foundation of lovesickness. You make risky decisions with your emotions and heart. You create a version of yourself that didn’t exist before in order to be someone the person you love could love back. It’s like you’re living in two different realities. A reality where they exist, and one where you both are two distant strangers. All the memories and moments created were just a blur in a dream. www.salient.org.nz

Word of the Week: I Love You Te Reo Māori: E whaiāipo ana au ki a koe New Zealand Sign Language:

Week 15 Answers

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Sudoku

Crossword: Reflection of Society

Across

1. Murder, arson and jaywalking, for example (6) 5. Perform from memory (6) 10. It passes through eleven countries, including Gabon, Kenya and Colombia (7) 11. Tube useful for coastal swimming (7) 12. Fill your lungs (6) 13. Word from the Greek for ‘little circle of animals’ (6) 16. Spicy, taste-wise, or spicy, sex-wise (3) 18. Flotsam or Jetsam, in ‘The Little Mermaid (3) 19. ‘___ and the Blind Forest’ (2015 video game) (3) 20. Giant words painted in white, in Colin McCahon’s ‘Victory Over Death 2’ (1,2) 21. In general (7) 22. Catton who won the Man Booker Prize for ‘The Luminaries’ (7) 23. Actor Sheen or TV series creator Brooker (7) 25. First work in Dante’s ‘Divine Comedy’ (7) 27. Help out (6) 28. Scientist Rutherford for whom element 104 was named (6)

Down

2. Ungentle; inexact (5) 3. Big fan of Slayer and Anthrax, most likely (9) * 4. Aching (4) 5. Hurry; ‘Tom Sawyer’ band (4) 6. Saltwater or Nile reptile (9) * 7. George of ‘Star Trek’ fame (5) 8. “Gimme a sec” (2,5,4) * 9. Sci-fi series with episodes whose titles are the answers to the starred clues... or what the line down the middle of this grid represents (5,6) 14. Check for bugs before a game’s release, perhaps (8) * 15. Sudden downward turn in quality (8) * 17. Soldiers who hid in a giant wooden horse (7) 20. Pays no mind to (7) 24. Short-lived souvenir from a Hawaiian holiday (3) 26. Dorsal or pectoral appendage (3)

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Aries The stars see you impulse spending on novelty items. You’re shopping on Trademe for nostalgic reasons. Can you find the blue Tamagotchi you lost at school camp ten years ago? Or the Lego set you always wanted?

Cancer Both Venus and Neptune are acting in your favour at the moment. If you’re thinking of going overseas, do it. Changing your courses? Do it. Anything that has the chance to broaden your horizons? DO IT.

Libra OoOoh, Libra. I see you. I see you seeing. There’s someone cute in your lectures and you ain’t paying attention. Hey, it’s early in the Tri; noone’s worried. Haha, Libra has a crush. Cute :3

Capricorn We have a master procrastinator here! I don’t even want to comment on this because I’m mad that you’re making me give you cliched advice. This is a typical case of being so lazy that life becomes more difficult.

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Taurus Woah, Taurus. Calm down with the chaos. Gorgeous things happening in your life in general, and yet you’re internally screaming? You feel good and bad at the same time? I think we’re both confused...

Leo You know when you can’t remember something, but don’t Google it because it feels like defeat and it bothers you all week until one night you’re lying in bed and randomly remember? Look forward to that.

Scorpio Love is in the air on campus! First Libra, now you, Scorpio. Somebody is really drawn to your rebellious nature this week. And I mean, reaaaally drawn. You have sex appeal for days. Use it wisely ;)

Aquarius Mars’ desire to move quickly is clashing with Saturn’s slow nature. You need to stop dragging your feet and pick up the pace a bit. Something you want is right ahead and you need to start chasing.

Gemini Let’s talk about your current living situation. Maybe you need to contact your landlord about your draughty house, or tell your flatmates you’re thinking of moving out. Communicate and your home life will improve.

Virgo Being honest is a good thing! You’re an incredibly discerning person and don’t need to worry about being wrong. Trust your perception. If something needs to be said, say it, because you’ll be better off for it.

Sagittarius Sag, I’m afraid the stars are neglecting you a bit this week. But this is just the calm before the storm. Enjoy your peace while it lasts. Mwhahahaha.

Pisces I know a lot of Pisces are going to resist this advice, but hear me out. In my nearly 22 years on this planet I have learned that dancing like an idiot is the best cure to all melancholic ails.

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Contributors Lauren Walker Joanna Fan Beth Brash Aliyah Tiuka

Cileme Venkateswar Sahir Hussain Olivia Webb Niamh Vaughn

Puck Sophia Willis Kelly Mui

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I care for you still and I will forever, that was my part of the deal // Wonder if you look both ways when you cross my mind // Cos sometimes I look in her eyes and that’s where I find a glimpse of us // I like that girl too much, I wish I never met her // Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches // I thought that I was dreaming when you said you loved me // You’re the coffee that I need in the morning, you’re the sunshine in the rain when it’s pouring //