Leisure | Issue 8

Vol. 78 Issue 08

28 April Leisure

Contents 04-11

12-23

News

05

Confusion reigns after Academic Committee farce

07

Legal easin’ on this heezy

Features

12

A look inside the Wellington gaming industry. By Gus Mitchell.

16

The Importance of Being Idle

Regular Content 03 Editorial 10 PUZZLES, YEAH THAT’S RIGHT WE CAVED 26 Bridget Bones Diary 30 Loosely Inspired (by The Bachelor) 31 The Moan Zone 31 We Drank This So You Wouldn’t Have To 32 The Week in Feminism 33 Books 34 Film 36 Science 38 Music 40 Visual Arts 41 Food 42 Games 43 Comics 44 Maori Matters 44 Being Well

Editor Sam McChesney

Senior Feature Writer Philip McSweeney

Design and Illustration Ella Bates-Hermans Lily Paris West

Feature Writers Charlotte Doyle Gus Mitchell

Senior News Editor Sophie Boot

Distributor Beckie Wilson

News Editor Nicola Braid

News Interns Emma Hurley Charlie Prout Francesca Shepard Beckie Wilson Elea Yule

Chief Sub Editor Kimaya McIntosh

Section Editors Ruth Corkill (Science) Sharon Lam (Visual Arts) Baz Macdonald (Gaming) Jayne Mulligan (Books) Alice Reid (Music) Fairooz Samy (Film) Other Contributors Rose Perfect, Jess Lim, Bridget Bones, Gertrude Kennedy, William Blackler, Joe Cruden, George Block, Tom and Luke, Lydia and Mitch, Brittany Mackie, Cassie Richards, Stephen Hay, Livné Ore, Brontë Ammundsen, Benjamin Dunn, Tim Manktelow, Cameron Gray, Jamie Yeates, Cathy Stephenson, Rick Zwaan, Rory McNamara

Game Changers

How to work less and enjoy life more.

By Rose Perfect.

20 The World’s Strangest Leisure Activities

The title of this article is fairly self- explanatory. By Jess Lim.

Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Editor: editor@salient.org.nz News Editor: news@salient. org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/ salientmagazine Advertising Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz Phone: 04 463 6982

Printed By Guardian Print, Ashburton

About Us Salient is published by, but is editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA).

Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council.

Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy.

The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

Complaints People with a complaint against the magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. See presscouncil.org.nz/complain.php for more information.

issue 8

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Editorial Sam McChesney

How Not to Write an Editorial

editor@salient.org.nz

04

Person of the Week:

salient

By the Numbers 20 miles The distance a donut has been sent into space by Swedish brothers Alexander and Benjamin Jonsson.

75 million years What French modeling agencies may be charged for hiring models under a certain Body Mass Index threshold if a new bill is passed.

116 The number of environmental activists said to be killed in 2014 in disputes involving land or natural resources.

£100,000 The amount a deckchair recovered from the wreckage of the Titanic was sold for at auction.

Judit Polgar Hungarian chess grandmaster Judit Polgar is considered the strongest female chess player in history and broke Bobby Fischer’s record to become the youngest ever grandmaster at the age of 15 in 1991. After British chess player/arsehole Nigel Short suggested that we should “gracefully accept the fact that women possess different skills than men”, Polgar responded noting, “we are capable of the same fight as any other man”. GET IT GURL.

90% The amount of children under 13 who are estimated to be covered

by National’s free doctor’s visits, despite election promises to the contrary.

30 years The length of time since Mark Hamill has played Luke Skywalker—Hamill will be returning to screens in the film Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

www.salient.org.nz

issue 8

05

NEWS. KEE N EYE FOR NEWS? S END ANY T IPS , LEADS OR GOSSIP TO NE WS @S ALIENT.ORG.NZ

Confusion reigns after Academic Committee farce “Vic’s fucked,” says Zwaan Nicola Braid and Charlie Prout The University is at odds with VUWSA and the PGSA as to whether the Academic Committee recently endorsed proposals for new 180-point Masters programmes.

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan and Academic Vice President Jonathan Gee, who attended the latest meeting of the Academic Committee, said the Committee declined to endorse the proposed Master of Engineering Practice course, which was specifically developed with international graduates in mind.

Zwaan and Gee said the Committee also declined to endorse the proposed Master of Software Development, which it thought was not advanced enough. These courses, if approved, would open up spots for 70 new Masters students.

But in a bizarre turn of events, the University claimed both proposals had been approved for forwarding to the Academic Board, with only “minor changes” in some cases.

The Academic Committee reviews all proposals for new qualifications and courses. It sits below the Academic Board in the University’s chain of command and its purpose is to advise the Board on whether a proposal is in keeping with standards of academic quality and integrity.

The Committee’s recommendations are non-binding and the Board has ignored the Committee in the past—

notably when closing down the Māori Business School last year without the Committee’s endorsement.

The Committee has no formal endorsement process, which explains how the dispute could have arisen in the first place. Without a formal process and with endorsements to be reached by consensus, it effectively falls to the Committee’s chair and minute-taker to decide what the “consensus” was at meetings.

Zwaan told Salient that the Committee was essentially a “rubber-stamping committee” set up to approve proposals that had already gone through a rigorous process of development and debate. He said, though, that the Committee as a whole was clearly opposed to the most recent proposals. “The only views expressed were dissenting views, I don’t recall anyone saying it was a good idea.”

Fellow Academic Committee member and Postgraduate Students’ Association representative Michael Gilchrist confirmed to Salient that the committee did not endorse the Master of Software Development. Gilchrist himself raised concerns about the programme and questioned whether it would undermine both postgraduate and undergraduate degrees already in place at the University.

Zwaan claimed the proposals for the Master of Engineering Practice and the Master of Software [continued on p. 6] editor@salient.org.nz

06

News

Gee claimed that the Master of Engineering is a race-based course marketed at Indian and East Asian students. While Gee encourages such students to come to Victoria, he expressed his concern at courses aimed primarily at international students.

University Council

Academic Board Created by statute, provides a check on academic quality and academic goals.

Senior Leadership Team Oversees day-today running of the University.

Consists of 150 members including VUWSA, post‐grad, Pasifika Student Council and Ngai Tauira.

Academic Committee Committee of the Academic Board, provides the Board with recommendations and detailed feedback on academic proposals.

Consists of representatives from all faculties, as well as two representatives from VUWSA and one from PGSA.

University Schools (e.g. Economics, Biology)

The University announced in October last year that that it was putting together a bid for an ICT graduate school in conjunction with Whitireia and WelTec, in an attempt to secure a slice of $28.6 million of new Government funding. Zwaan said the proposals were “all about the ICT graduate school. The bid for the ICT graduate school relies on these proposals going through with a view to starting in October this year.

“Hence the hurry… the people putting these proposals together have basically had two months [to do so], because they’re under pressure to get it through for Government funding.”

www.salient.org.nz

“While international students bring a lot of value to our university community, isolating them from domestic students in this type of Masters will diminish the quality of their overseas university experience here in New Zealand.”

Additionally, the push by Victoria for more international students is having a mixed effect on those international students already attending Victoria. Chong Hui Tan, a representative from the Victoria International Students Association, told Salient that “the University and their revenue is relying pretty much on international students who are paying full fees.”

He claimed “most of the international students are not really getting the most from the university education” due to language barriers and a lack of opportunities and access to information.

Gee states that on principle, the Committee has no objection to 180-point Masters Programs, but “we don’t want to dilute the overall quality of getting a Masters at Vic. At the very least, these courses are PostGraduate Diplomas—we shouldn’t be disingenuous to students in calling them Masters.”

Faculties (e.g. Science, Humanities)

Development had been hastily thrown together in an attempt to secure Government funding.

salient

Across the Tasman, Australian universities are facing similar issues with universities seeking to increase admission numbers of international students.

Zwaan said that “while it’s not necessarily a bad thing to say ‘let’s get funding for more programmes and new ideas’ … you can’t do that at the expense of academic integrity.”

The proposals also come amidst concern by some that Victoria University is pushing too hard for greater numbers of international students and the effects that these specifically-catered courses could have on the university at large.

Gee expressed his concern at the effect that the proposed course may have on both international and domestic students.

“The proposals are not… based on academic integrity or student demand, but based on Government demand—students’ interests are not at the heart of the programmes,” Gee said.

An unnamed academic from Southern Cross University in New South Wales told Salient “international on-campus students in Australia are viewed as an easy way to make money”.

The academic claimed that increasing international student numbers have resulted in a significant increase in fail rates, academic workload, academic misconduct cases, queries and appeals of grade special consideration and special exam applications.

In terms of Victoria, if the proposed courses go ahead they are likely to be implemented at the end of Trimester Two this year.

Salient approached Allison Kirkman, the chair of the Academic Committee, for comment but had not heard back by the time this article went to print.

issue 7

News

07

Counsel on Council The University has begun consulting students over the new make-up of its University Council.

Legal Easin’ on this Heezy Elea Yule Overlooked legal regulations from 1947 may give tenants living in damp homes a stronger leg to stand on when making demands from landlords.

Researchers Dr Mark Bennett of Victoria University of Wellington, and Dr Sarah Bierre and Professor Philippa Howden-Chapman of Otago University in Wellington, published a paper examining how housing conditions are qualified in the Tenancy Tribunal.

The paper, entitled “Decent Expectations?: The Use and Interpretation of Housing Standards in Tenancy Tribunals in New Zealand” was featured in the New Zealand Universities Law Review.

The pair reviewed a year’s worth of cases from Wellington and Dunedin that had been published online by the Ministry of Justice.

The 1947 Housing Improvement Regulations require homes to be free from dampness, but in many of the cases where tenants brought concerns of mold to the Tenancy Tribunal, the law was overlooked.

Concerns with damp, cold homes emerge every winter, but Dr Bierre says “it was surprising to find that even if [tenants] make it to the Tenancy Tribunal the dampness laws available to protect tenants are often not used.”

Dr Bennett says that as far as local authorities go, “there was always a reluctance to enforce the regulations” and councils tend to view the HIRs as out of date and only enforce them in the most extreme cases.

Regulations are pieces of “subsidiary legislation” that are usually created by Ministers.

They dictate how acts are applied. Regulations are managed and enforced by Government agencies, like the Tenancy Tribunal. Whereas acts can only be overturned by a subsequent Act, regulations can be struck down in a variety of ways, which could explain why the HIRs have been overlooked.

Students received an email last Thursday informing them that the seven-day consultation process had begun and outlining the functions of the Council.

Students were invited to fill out a questionnaire on the issue and were told to “keep in mind that we want to be preparing the University to adapt to a rapidly changing local and world environment for Tertiary Education”, whatever that means.

The questionnaire gives students a voice on the make-up and function of the reduced Council. Following the Education Amendment Act 2015, the Council will drop from 19 members to a maximum of 12.

In layman’s terms, this survey will give you, as readers and students, the chance to have a say on who should decide things like: —how the University spends our money —who our Vice Chancellor is —what our tuition fees will be.

The Council changes will come into effect by 1 July 2016.

What should you say?

The Tertiary Education Union, NZUSA and VUWSA want one-third of seats (four) to be put aside for democratically elected staff and student seats.

The University of Canterbury is proposing to include two elected staff members and one elected student.

Dr Bennett suggested that the disregarded regulations “may allow the tenant to get out of a fixed term tenancy without paying any compensation to the landlord” or “award compensation or rent reduction for a breach.”

Lincoln University has proposed including one elected student and either one or two council-selected staff members.

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan was similarly welcoming and claimed the association would be in touch with Bennett, Bierre and Howden-Chapman with the view of collaborating in VUWSA’s continuing “push for minimal rental standards in Wellington.”

Current Council

NZUSA President Rory McCourt welcomed the news that “there may be a longforgotten way for tenants to have their cold, damp, flats upgraded” but insisted New Zealand “desperately needs” a universal standard of housing in order to protect tenants and their health.

In the meantime Dr Bennett suggested that “informing landlords of their obligations, and tenants organising such as in the recently formed group ‘Wellington Renters United’, could put more pressure on those landlords who own properties that do not meet the standard and who do not improve them.”

4 Ministerial appointees 1 Vice Chancellor 3 Elected academic staff members 1 Elected student representative 1 Elected general staff member 4 Court of Convocation representatives 2 Council-appointed members 3 Council co-opted members (one of whom is the VUWSA President) editor@salient.org.nz

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News

"FUUUUUUUCK!"

– Overseas borrowers

Emma Hurley

Thousands of New Zealanders living overseas are struggling to pay their student debt, and bankruptcy is increasingly becoming an option for some.

There are reportedly 9000 overseas-based individuals with serious debt problems, while many others are struggling.

Kristina Anderson, tax advisor at Auckland Tax Hub Limited, said many people overseas are in denial about the severity of their debt.

Anderson said students often “don’t know what they’re getting into or how horribly a debt can multiply out of control… there’s an awful lot of misinformation unfortunately.”

People “might have had an original student loan debt of $20,000 and then received contact from the IRD out of the blue and now their debt is in the six figures,” Anderson said.

Interest on student debt for overseas borrowers recently dropped from 5.5% to 5.3% and late payment interest from 9.5% to 9.3%—but compounding debt is still a problem faced by many.

Overseas borrowers are required to make two repayments each year in March and September. For example, a person with a loan of $50,000 would have to pay $4,000 each year—half in March and half in September.

If payments are late they incur penalty fees.

Ciara, a former Victoria student, pointed out that because her job in England only provided her with a modest salary she cannot afford to pay more than the minimum in interest repayments. “IRD seemed to want to discourage the whole idea of leaving, rather than encouraging it as a difficult but worthwhile process,” Ciara said.

As a result of growing pressures Anderson sees “quite a number of clients” with no option but to seek bankruptcy in order to move forward with their lives. While some people have options such as entering a www.salient.org.nz

payment plan to pay back IRD back over a period of time, for those with limited income and assets this is not possible.

In the past five years, Inland Revenue has written off student loan balances due to bankruptcy for 258 overseas-based borrowers.

A person who has previously filed for bankruptcy cannot be in business without permission and risks having their assets taken or being blocked from entering, or leaving, New Zealand.

However, Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce insisted that most cases of student loan borrowers facing bankruptcy “have been due to other debts owed” and the loan was not the main driver.

Any overseas debtor in “serious default” can be arrested if they return to New Zealand and try to leave again, but it is understood that this has not happened yet.

IRD Collections Manager for Student Loans Stuart Duff warned “ignoring your student loan will not make it go away—even if you have gone away your student loan has not.”

Duff said people struggling to meet their obligations should contact IRD immediately “so we can help set up a repayment plan and discuss their options.”

Former Massey University student Lauren told Salient that although IRD wasn’t overly clear about what would happen to her payments before she moved to London she didn’t regret relocating. “It’s just one of those things that you know is going to happen, you can’t change it so you just deal with it.”

Both Lauren and Ciara admitted it would be nice to be debt free but advised that students “didn’t leave straight away”.

IRD encourages anyone going overseas with a student loan to call them and get it sorted sooner rather than later.

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News

issue 7

More than Just Numbers Nicola Braid

The number of Maori and Pasifika students enrolling at Victoria is rising annually, but there are still issues around the retention and admission of students.

The changes made to University Entrance standards last year have seen a dramatic drop in the number of students admitted to university, with only 58.3 per cent of year 13 students gaining the required credits.

Most worryingly, this drop was significantly larger among Māori and Pasifika students, with only one-third achieving UE under the changes.

Pem Bird, spokesperson for iwi education authority Nga Kura a Iwi o Aotearoa, has publicly disagreed with the UE changes, which saw Māori pass rates drop by approximately 20 per cent between 2013 and 2014. Bird told Radio New Zealand that universities had “shot themselves in the foot” by failing to properly consider what lifting UE standards would mean for secondary school educators and students.

Ngāi Tauira Māori Students’ Association co-president Geneveine Wilson said the association was also opposed to the standards.

“Tauira [students] are struggling to meet these requirements which can be off-putting for an individual, especially for those who

have taken Te Reo Māori and Te Reo Rangatira as NCEA subjects.”

Massey University Associate Professor Jill Bevan-Brown has claimed that, according to her research, secondary schools are overlooking the “unique genius” of Māori students in favour of achievement figures, thus presenting a skewed view of Māori success rates.

Providing support for Māori and Pasifika students is a multifaceted and complicated beast and concern remains not so much with statistics, but the structural obstacles that prevent tauira from transitioning from high school to university. As Deputy Vice Chancellor (Māori) Professor Piri Sciascia told Salient, achievement rates for Māori “notably improve after first year” and University figures show Maori retention after first-year improved in 2015.

Pasifika Students’ Council Academic Officer Kieran Meredith said the key focus for his council was ensuring long term retention and degree completion amongst Pasifika students.

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan insisted that his organisation “strongly advocates for any initiatives [that] reduce the barriers to tertiary education” but said he was pleased with the rising rate of Māori enrolments and returning students at Victoria.

2015 Student percentage at Vic

Pasifika : 5.7%

Maori : 10.9%

Other

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QS World University Rankings in Order 1. University of Auckland (94) 2. University of Otago (155) 3. University of Canterbury (238) 4. Victoria University of Wellington (265) 5. Massey University (343) 6. University of Waikato (401-410) 7. AUT (471-480) 8. Lincoln University (481-490) Victoria University Retention Rates (2013) Overall - 81.5% Decile 1-3 - 77.8% Maori - 76.4% Disabilities - 76.9% Pasifika - 73%

Qualifications Completed ranked (2013) Maori University of Waikato (81%) University of Otago (73%) University of Auckland (73%) AUT (69%) Victoria University of Wellington (68%) University of Canterbury (68%) Lincoln (67%) Massey (60%) Pasifika University of Otago (74%) AUT (65%) University of Auckland (64%) Victoria University of Wellington (52%) University of Canterbury (51%) University of Waikato (45%) Massey University (34%) Lincoln (28%) Under 25 University of Otago (78%) University of Waikato (73%) University of Auckland (72%) University of Canterbury (72%) Lincoln (72%) Massey (70%) Victoria University of Wellington (69%) AUT (65%) editor@salient.org.nz

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www.salient.org.nz

Puzzles

salient

News

issue 7

11

Hearts fly, but love soars

Undie the Influence NicLOLa Braid

Well this is neu-ter me Veterinary clinicians from the University of Lisbon recently studied how female cats react to different genres of music while being neutered. The cats were fitted with headphones and measured for their respiratory rates and pupil diameters. The results found cats were most relaxed when listening to classical music as opposed to AC/ DC and Natalie Imbruglia. Note to self: Schubert for spading, Chopin for castration.

Bristolian restaurant manager Curt Almond is facing bankruptcy after he developed an addiction to wearing a new pair of boxer shorts everyday.

Almond reportedly spent over 40 pounds a week on new Calvin Kleins that were thrown out daily. When questioned about his obsession, the pathological pants junkie assured reporters “I did all my own washing and that meant that my mum never found out.”

Upper crust art

A Maltese pilot and his air-stewardess wife have confused aviation authorities after taking a heart-shaped flight over the Mediterranean. The couple were married at Malta’s International Airport and decided to celebrate their love by creating a flight path of two interlocked hearts. Even the flight’s status on the airport departure board read “just married”. Bless.

A tip for raunchy relatives Webuyanyporn.com, a website dedicated to “discretely removing” erotic literature owned by families dead relatives has opened up a store in Islington, London. The store’s owner, “Dave”, was quoted as saying “we’re getting quite a lot of calls from people who don’t know what to do with their porn, and from families who have lost an uncle, or a father or grandfather, who have discovered boxes of small amounts or large amounts in garages and garden sheds.”

A model of the Taj Mahal made completely out of toast has been found on the streets of Peckham, South London. There has been no information as to who made the model and why— but the artist made sure to remove all the crusts.

Hy-genius-ic The E-liquor-sir of Youth Japanese brewery Suntory have created a beer that they claim makes the drinker look younger. The brew dubbed “Precious” contains 5% alcohol, but most importantly is laced with collagen.

While the beer has been marketed at female consumers, and is currently only sold in Hokkaido it is part of a growing trend which has seen collagen added to dumplings, jellied eggs and meat pops.

The rain is bugging us A Norwegian biology teacher Karstein Erstad recently found that “thousands of earthworms” had rained from the sky on the mountains outside Bergen.

However, experts suggest that worms could have simply been carried by the wind—thunderstorms that reach more than 60 miles per hour provide enough force to carry frogs, snakes, spiders and other lightweight species.

A unnamed entrepreneur has invented a body-sized wet wipe with the aim of assisting those attending summer festivals and camping. The “Big Big Body Wipe” which measures about 2’ x 4’ allows users to wipe their whole body clean and could reportedly, “function as a very moist parachute”.

editor@salient.org.nz

E M GA S R E G N A CH GUS

ELL

CH MIT

issue 8

Features

At some point in their youth, everyone wants to make a video game. Maybe you assumed that you would literally get paid to play video games all day so that all that time on Crash Team Racing as a child will have been beneficial to your career. But most have had that dream quashed when they realise that making a game is not the same as playing one.

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” says Patrick Shannon, a postgraduate in Game Art at Yoobee School of Design.

“The process is: you start with nothing, then you come up with an idea, and for that idea you have to think about the gameplay: how you want people to interact with your game, what you want the AI to be like, do you need AI? Then you have to look at the art: what is your game going to look like, what is it going to sound like.” Designers must ask themselves these sorts of questions over and over again until the idea is boiled down to one central concept.

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OVERWORLD MAP The larger games developers overseas spend millions of dollars and months of man-hours from thousands of people—programmers, modellers, shaders, digital artists—to make a big budget or “triple A” game. These companies often come from places with a large populace to assist these massive creative endeavours. For instance, the Dragon Age and Mass Effect series come out of Canada’s Bioware. The Grand Theft Auto series, known for its sprawling city environments and multitude of characters, is published by Rockstar Studios, appropriately located in New York City.

In our own industry landscape, the two biggest game developers are Grinding Gear Games and Sidhe Interactive. Founded in 1997, the Wellington-based Sidhe had a steady gig making rugby games for the Playstation and PS2 in the early noughts, before finding critical and commercial success with Shatter, a brick-breaking game for the PS3’s Playstation Network in 2009.

When the iPhone took off and created a whole new interactive platform on which to market and create new interactive experiences, the mobile gaming industry exploded. Using simpler but more diverse mechanics, mobile games were the springboard for a whole new way to play. In a matter of months, we’d gone from Snake to Angry Birds.

This was especially beneficial to game developers, as smaller teams could knock out several games over the course of a year rather than dedicate their time to making a single bigger one.

This was the impetus for the creation of Pikpok, a subsidiary of Sidhe Interactive founded in 2012, which has since become the face of the company. Pikpok makes around three games a year, mostly licensed work for iPhone and iPad and based on Dreamworks Animation properties, as well as marketing their own creations like the addictive word-making game Four Letters. The company has recently made content for Adult Swim Games, who use online games as a testing ground for iOS and downloadable properties. Some Adult SwimPipok creations include the destructive rolling-rock sim Giant Boulder of Death, the colour-matching game Monsters Ate My Condo, and the sequel to the memetic technicolour internet darling Robot Unicorn Attack.

Auckland has the other major game developer, Grinding Gear Games. They are the makers of the internationally acclaimed action editor@salient.org.nz

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RPG Path of Exile, arguably New Zealand’s biggest and most well known game. For those who don’t make up part of its five million person playerbase, Path of Exile is a Windows-based action RPG game with a top-down third person view, in the same vein as Diablo II. The game is free-to-play for all users, but the company makes its money through a business model of “ethical microtransactions”, which are small amounts of money paid by the players. In freemium titles, games usually charge you for better characters or weapons, essentially meaning the richest player rather than the most skilled is the one who wins. Path of Exile offers purely aesthetic paid content, like alternate character animations and spell effects, ensuring that no players are at an advantage purely from their bank account.

However, in the beginning the game still needed a financial kickstart from hopeful players. Path of Exile began as a crowdfunded effort by a team of developers in Auckland, the goal being a big budget triple A style game that could compete with overseas. The games industry in New Zealand continues to grow thanks to an avid and active games-making community. Events are held in both Wellington and Auckland, which continue to be the central hubs of the development and publishing community. PXLJM (pronounced “Pixeljam”) is an equivalent to the 48HOUR Film Festival, where teams have to make a whole game from scratch over a weekend, of which all previous efforts are available for download on the Pixeljam website.

Since May of last year, the first Tuesday of every month is the Game Developers of Wellington meetup, where established and wannabe game developers meet to discuss their work and nurture connections within the community. Everyone with an interest in the medium is welcome to attend, including high school students who want to get into game design. I managed to miss the meetup for this month by a day, but Patrick Shannon filled me in on what I missed. A group of developers who had been to Game Developers Conference in San Francisco came by to talk about their international experience.

The founder of Pikpok, Mario Wynand, and Robert Curry, head developer from another Wellington-based developer, Dinosaur Polo Club, were there to speak about their recent projects.

The most interesting international figure present was Rich “Disasterpeace” Vreeland, the composer for indie puzzle platformer FEZ and the upcoming horror flick It Follows. According to Shannon, he had been hired by Dinosaur Polo Club to compose for their game Mini Metro, a SimCity-style subway building game. With Disasterpeace currently active in Wellington, this gives Shannon hope that the New Zealand game industry and its developers will continue to attract international interest. www.salient.org.nz

salient

Features

LEVEL UP At present, all game design courses in Wellington and the whole of New Zealand are at tertiary level. Design schools like Yoobee offer a Diploma in Game Art, while Victoria has a course in Advanced Computer Game Design open to both design and engineering students. Massey has an introductory course to games programming, while the Auckland Media Design School offers programming and design courses specifically angled towards game design. Shannon particularly wants schools to introduce 3D modelling, programming and character design at a secondary level, so teens who want to get into game design can actually do so at an earlier age and see if it’s right for them.

Game making programs such as Unity and Unreal Engine are free to download, but having a tertiary qualification in game design or programming means that you at least have a reasonable chance of getting a job and making good work. To Shannon, the most important part of game design is “getting your player to understand what you want them to do. If you don’t do that, then there is no game.

If the player does not know how to do that, it will just frustrate them.

You need to get across your goals (in the game) as a designer to the player so they can enact on those goals.”

Most people getting hired out of Vic, Yoobee or AMD are joining local companies like Grinding Gear and Pikpok, as well as Gameloft, a French company with a studio in Auckland. Pikpok even supplements a scholarship for the Auckland Media Design School to get people to work for them when they graduate.

Of course, you don’t have to work within the industry to be a game designer; you can level up in other ways. Pippin Barr is a Victoria graduate who now lectures overseas at universities in Copenhagen and Malta on game design and programming, and has written a book for Awa Press’ How To series titled How to Play a Video Game.

While obtaining his PhD in Computer Science, he researched game theory and did qualitative research on player experience. Despite his experience, he has never worked a day in the local industry. Instead, he opts to make his own games to demonstrate and experiment with gameplay principles. My personal favourite is Let’s Play: Ancient Greek Punishment where you get to play out the futility of Sisyphus’s boulder or Zeno’s Paradox in pixel-style. Just before this article went to print, Barr released Let’s Play: The Shining, a pixelized adaptation

issue 8

Features

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"ONE GREAT IDEA CAN TURN A STRUGGLING COMPANY INTO A BOOMING ONE, WHILE AN IDEA FOR A GAME THAT SOUNDS GOOD IN THEORY COULD TURN OUT TO TERRIBLE TO PLAY IN REALITY"

of the Kubrick film. The full catalogue of his games and writing can be found at his website.

CURRENT OBJECTIVE If you do want to work in the industry, you don’t just have to bring skills to the table, you need to bring ideas. The real currency in the entertainment industry is IP, or intellectual property. One great idea can turn a struggling company into a booming one, while an idea for a game that sounds good in theory could turn out to terrible to play in reality. The developer of Angry Birds, the Finnish company Rovio, was on the verge of bankruptcy before making the game.

Predicting that there was money to found in the then-nascent mobile gaming market in 2009, its development team pored over hundreds of concepts before settling one image of a bunch of birds being flung towards a bunch of blocks, and the rest is history. Now Angry Birds is a multi-media franchise juggernaut, with toys, board games, clothing, an upcoming movie and even a fragrance. But the real value in IP is the creative control that small companies have over them, and this is especially beneficial to smaller companies like the ones in New Zealand.

“If someone decided to make Path of Exile into a TV show or a movie, Grinding Gear owns that IP so they will get all the revenue from licensing it out,” Shannon explained. “Owning your own IP is incredibly valuable.”

However, owning intellectual property is a double-edged sword. The main drawback with creating your own IP is that this tends to cost money. Developers will often have to go to publishers to get money to fund their projects. Crowdfunding is easier, especially for smaller or even one-person development teams, so long as the developers can keep sponsors interested. But in either case, the further drawback is that once a developer has the funds to make their game, it then becomes a matter of doling out where the money goes.

BEYOND PLAY

challenge. One could easily get work as a programmer at a bank and make more money than they could making video games. There is a persistent need in our culture, beyond the gaming sphere, for games to have a sense of credibility beyond “fun” and a capacity beyond play.

Games are either a time-waster on the bus or a time-sink when you’re done with exams.

Kah Chan is a senior lecturer and researcher at the Victoria University Design School, who co-ordinates the third-level Advanced Computer Game Design course for design and engineering students. Chan is currently researching applied game design, a field that looks to implement game principles beyond games themselves. Chan works with Swibo, a team of six who make “games-enabled rehabilitation devices mainly aimed at high performance athletes”, and ImAble, inventor of ableX, a rehabilitation device with video games that aids people recovering from stroke. So if applied game design is the new avenue under which games can be experienced, should games then strive more towards utility than play?

“Absolutely not,” Chan says. “The value of play is vastly underestimated, I think. An opportunity to engage in an experience that is abstracted or provides entertainment is inherently valuable. In a lot of my work, when I talk about applied video game design, we strive for creating really good, really engaging video games that are for a specific audience that’s something they are interested in playing.

“You should be thinking about the applied part, but that’s not your primary goal. The primary goal is to create really good, really entertaining games that just so happen to be good for physical rehabilitation, for example.”

Applied game design is not just the next step, but a new facet of game design, and there is no short supply of people who want make their mark in video games in New Zealand.

“We have these awesome people with crazy ideas for everything from mobile games to triple A games,” Shannon says. “Let’s make that known to the world.”

Despite the medium being a thriving art form and platform, game design in New Zealand is always in need of fresh faces. This isn’t helped by the current job climate. While there are plenty of opportunities for employment in game design here, getting more people into the essential parts of game design, like programming, is a editor@salient.org.nz

The Importance of Being Idle Rose Perfect

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Features

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Working at a commercial law firm over summer was the first time I’d ever engaged in conventional full time work. While some love to demonise the experience and the corporate world generally, I actually really liked the people and enjoyed the work. Even so, there’s no denying that firms in the corporate sector exemplify anti-idling culture. This manifested in long to very long hours for some teams, a general vibe that you should be working literally all the time, and people staying in the office after 5pm even when they didn’t really have any work to do. Ultimately I couldn’t escape the feeling that this isn’t how people should have to live.

T

he phenomenon of the 40-hour work week is something most of us don’t think too much about when we’re at high school and university. Rather, as teenagers/young adults we feel a palpable sense of freedom and infinite possibility. There is so much time to decide what we want to do with our lives and who we want to be and, simultaneously, lots of time to sleep in, mess around and do whatever we feel like. But eventually it becomes increasingly difficult to avoid or ignore the fact that you have to start making concrete decisions about your life and become an adult (gross). And usually this results in choosing a career and working full-time, looking back on your university years as a brief, beautiful hiatus before reality hit and you had to start being responsible.

digital generation, where social, occupational and creative events are paraded in front of everyone. And I think we all feel a certain pressure to be a part of as many of those events and projects as we can, even if it isn’t healthy or productive.” In her view, “working for the sake of it is definitely a part of the culture that should be stripped, but I often see my work culture moving in the opposite direction.”

There’s no disputing that life changes once you leave university. But fundamentally I have a problem with the idea that we have to become wage slaves in order to survive. Because working nine to five, five days a week—along with transport time, getting prepared for work etc.—is actually a lot, with the culture of busyness we live in only getting worse. And this culture of work is definitely not exclusive to corporate law or business—it is prevalent across all fields from politics and social activism to the creative industries. The only difference is that where big business demands long hours because of profit, cultural institutions require them due to chronic underfunding and under-resourcing.

Similar to Sara, Hannah identifies the pressure to be busy as coming from both within and outside herself—“because I am at an early stage in my career whereby the more work I do now, the more I am able to say I’ve done for the space and my own development… the only expectations are my own, but they come with the anxiety that I am being constantly watched by the wider community and funders.

So I am being driven by my community and a certain social fear I suppose.”

Sara has been working as a freelance journalist for the last few years, since she graduated from her BA majoring in English. Although she only works 24-30 paid hours a week, the unpaid work she does often sees her working much more. Sara is lucky in that her schedule is often up to her, and that sometimes journalism is cruisy as the hours can vary quite wildly. However, she still highlights the pressure to be busy as “one of the biggest stress factors in my life.”

“I think it is my own expectations, but suspect that they have been heavily influenced by the workaholic culture that spans the globe.

I’ve always been someone who hates missing opportunities,” she says.

“The concept of FOMO has become a new neurosis for anyone in the

Similarly, Hannah works approximately 45 hours a week as the director of an art gallery and considers it “normal to work long hours in the cultural industry”. As the sole representative of a non-profit arts organisation, she’s usually in the gallery at 9am, sometimes working until 8pm and often without a lunchbreak.

None of which is to say that we shouldn’t work at all. Doing interesting work can be immensely fulfilling and give one a purpose in life, and none of that is bad. But having to work to the point where it impacts on your health, relationships and general sense of contentment and curiosity is not only bad, but denies us the chance to be as human as we fully could be. There are a million other varied and interesting things we can do outside of our chosen vocation through which we can learn new skills and broaden our experience of the world and understanding of ourselves—exploring nature, learning bike maintenance, practicing meditation, travelling. And this is really another one of the biggest problems with traditional work—it pigeonholes us into practicing a particular set of skills when it is variety that really excites us and makes us truly active participants in our own learning and development. editor@salient.org.nz

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Features

This obviously goes against conventional wisdom. One of the basics of economics is that specialisation equates to efficiency and wealth.

And let’s be honest—you wouldn’t want your doctor or lawyer not to be a specialist. However, the appeal of acquiring a wider range of skills, and thus experiences, is undeniable. In Heinlein Vassallo’s words: “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.”

There is a difference between good idling and ennui. It is easy to feel intimidated by the sense of having too much time and not knowing what to do with ourselves. After all, the work we do is a huge part of our identity and also prevents us from thinking too much about those icky, existential questions. However, the fact that such a distinction exists suggests that idling is something which has to be learned. As Bertrand Russell said in his 1932 essay In Praise of Idleness, “The wise use of leisure… is a product of civilization and education.” Similarly, Russell advocates more active forms of leisure—obviously bingewatching Game of Thrones for days in a row is going to make you feel depressed. In contrast, actively learning new skills and producing things is how we idle intelligently.

After being a poor student for too long, the disposable income that comes along with working full time is also incredibly seductive. And that’s not entirely a bad thing. But what people often fail to realise is that money is only one form of currency. Time is also a currency— one that we trade for an income, but that we generally don’t value as much. Good idling needs a lot of time—you are not idling if you’re stressed and exhausted. www.salient.org.nz

salient

The philosophical roots of idling This might sound like hippy ramblings, but idleness has a long and illustrious philosophical history, going back to the Roman stoic Lucius Seneca (c. 4 BC–65 AD) and his essay On the Shortness of Life. In his words, “there is nothing the busy man is less busied with than living: there is nothing that is harder to learn.”

Bertrand Russell called for a four-hour workday in In Praise of Idleness. He contrasted this to the working hours typical of the industrial revolution, where people were working 12 to 15 hours a day—seen by many in the upper classes as a means of keeping the poor busy and docile. And this is still relevant today—so long as we are kept busy and tired, we also have no energy or time to actively engage in democratic society. Over time we have fought for greater rights in respect of our working lives—public holidays, sick leaves, breaks and shorter working days. Similarly, there was a time when a more idle life didn’t seem preposterous or disturbing, but inevitable.

Back in 1930, economist John Maynard Keynes predicted that we would eventually be working 15 to 20 hour weeks. The idea was that technology would advance to the extent that our basic needs would be catered for—only a fraction of the work we did previously would be necessary for us to provide for ourselves. Obviously, this hasn’t happened, arguably because the larger system of business and commerce profits from having employees work as much as possible.

Similarly, this system benefits from having an over-worked populace, because when we’re tired and have no time we’re much more likely to pay for food, objects and entertainment, rather than growing or creating them ourselves.

Paul Lafargue (Karl Marx’s son-in-law) argued that three hours a day would be sufficient in his 1883 work The Right to be Lazy. Lafargue believed that the love of work, fundamental to capitalism, is a

issue 8

Features

19

If you live off 50 per cent of your income and save the other 50 per cent, that’s an additional year you don’t need to work.

This starts paying off even more if you learn to be happy living off 10 per cent of your income—you will then be able to abstain from working for nine years.

delusion—basically it’s a ploy by the powerful to make us agree to and even love our enslavement. While this appears to verge on conspiracy theory territory, there’s no doubt that our addiction to work benefits the powerful, whether it’s the owners of the companies we work for, or the ones whose products we buy—because in our time impoverished culture, we value convenience and expensive entertainment so highly.

The argument is not exclusively communist—in fact it was contrary to much socialist thinking of the time, which praised the nobility of proletarian work.

Such practices are made difficult by the fact of planned obsolescence— the fact that since the 1950s, objects have been designed to break more quickly so as to facilitate increased consumption. As a result of this, it can often be cheaper and much easier to buy new things than to repair or make them yourself. However, perceived obsolescence, that feeling that you must have new stuff, is something you do have control over. A certain financial acuity is also helpful—living frugally, saving and investing your money wisely so that you can live for as long as possible without working.

A contemporary equivalent of these thinkers is the Idler Academy, one of the few modern-day organisations to encourage an idle existence. Based in London, the Academy has a shop, produces the book/magazine series The Idler, and offers seminars as well as online courses on idling and various other skills. Within this context idling is always a part of a larger vision for the good life—where one is a part of a meaningful and supportive community, active and curious in one’s learning (rather than a passive consumer of knowledge, as in much of the current university education system) and generally doing cool stuff, whether it’s learning the ukulele or discussing philosophy.

Jacob Lund Fisker of The Idler puts it thus—if you live off 50 per cent of your income and save the other 50 per cent, that’s an additional year you don’t need to work. This starts paying off even more if you learn to be happy living off 10 per cent of your income—you will then be able to abstain from working for nine years. And so on. The Idler also suggests starting your own business, an alternative that allows you to manage your own time and work for yourself, rather than for the benefit of someone else. In one respect this seems contrary to idling: starting a business is for the most part pretty stressful. But if idleness is a philosophy concerned with living an autonomous, creative existence, starting up fits comfortably into its paradigm. Regardless, these approaches all presuppose a certain level of privilege—if you’re working on minimum wage and supporting a family, they’re probably going to be outside the realms of the possible.

The Idler’s Guide to Survival So how are we to navigate the world when we have an appreciation for idling and a desire to practice it, but are also confronted with practical necessity? Much like knowing how to live, there is no straightforward answer to this and yet, bar some kind of Socialist revolution in the near future, it’s a territory we’re all going to have to navigate.

Many idlers suggest making real your bucolic, Henry Millerinspired fantasies. Buy a boat and sail around the country, mooring at whichever piece of land takes your fancy. Build a cottage in the midst of nature and forage for kawakawa, fern root and other native plants.

And so on. Sounds nice, but for most people difficult to the point of unachievable, given the amount of resources it would take to achieve.

At the very least, you’ll need a certain amount of money and a lot of ingenuity to get there. Thus, one of the most common themes in the idler’s guide to life is that one should reject materialism in favour of cheaper, more authentic alternatives: • • • • •

For those of us operating in the conventional world of work, things get a lot trickier as convention dictates we work a 40-hour week, and it can be pretty difficult to negotiate around this. I will say, however, that the first step to achieving good idling is to understand its nature. This is a philosophy with a rich theoretical underpinning, which encourages us to empower ourselves through engaging actively with the world rather than outsourcing our autonomy to our bosses, and our lives to convenience and passive entertainment. It is not something we should feel guilty for doing, but rather it is our right to experience ourselves and the world as fully as possible—something we can only achieve if we aren’t constantly stressed and busy.

As Kurt Vonnegut so eloquently put it, “We are here on earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you any different.”

Only buy things you will actually use.

Use whatever you buy for as long as you possibly can.

Repair rather than replace.

Make things rather than buying them new.

Purchase second-hand. editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

THE WORLD’S STRANGEST

LEISURE ACTIVITIES JESS LIM

EUROPE

Spain: Annual Baby Jumping Festival Baby Jumping (El Colacho) is a traditional Spanish holiday that takes place during the Catholic feast of Corpus Christi. During El Colacho, men dressed as the devil jump over babies born in the past year as they lie on mattresses in the street. It is thought that this is for luck, and that it could cleanse a baby’s soul of “the original sin”.

Italy: Austria: Celebrating Krampus In Austria, a popular Christmas tradition is to celebrate Krampus, a figure who deals with naughty children. Not only do people dress up as the horned beast, dishing out coal and Ruten (twigs painted gold), but they actually hold Krampuslauf runs where people dress up as huge hairy beasts and run through the streets in a huge alcohol-fuelled rage. The ultimate goal—to spank people. The costumes are varied, and include (but are not limited too) blinking LED eyes, burning horns and props (CHAINSAWS!). On account of the alcohol consumption, they have been known to culminate into a Krampus booty-dance at the end of the night. www.salient.org.nz

Gorging before fasting is a well-known tradition. I mean, what’s the point unless you get to stuff yourself before AND after? Yet the only country still devoutly religious enough to have this feast turn into some kind of strange omelette-party is Italy. On the Friday before Lent every year, the people of Ponti, in Piedmont, Italy, make a load of maize pudding and a giant omelette containing 1000 eggs, which are then ceremoniously distributed to the poor and needy.

Coincidentally, it takes place in a commune. Hurrah!

Czech Republic: The Great Whipped Cream Battle: just for fun. Enough said?

Features

issue 8

ASIA

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AMERICAS

Japan: Wine Baths

Alaska: Ice melting lottery

Japan is often seen as a hub of cultural-cool, but sometimes that cool can begin cross over into just plain weird. Remember how Jesus could turn water into wine? Well, so can the Japanese. At Yunessun Spa Resort, they offer a vibrant range of baths, with an equally vibrant range of health benefits. Immerse yourself in red wine, coffee, sake, green tea or even noodles! The menu changes seasonally. Red wine baths are said to reduce cellulite, while the antioxidants in green tea can give you radiant skin. Perhaps the noodles will give you that greasy complexion you’ve always wanted.

When half of your life is living in a Frozen wasteland, nothing is more highly anticipated than ice-less-ness. So what better thing to do than to place bets on the EXACT moment of when the ice melts? There are pretty decent cash prizes for it too. But you have to guess, like, right down to the very second. How do they measure that, exactly? Well, a pole on a frozen lake will stop a clock when it falls.

Taiwan:

The United States is home to all things absurd. Have you ever heard of child pageants? What about competitive dog grooming? If you take an innocent animal and combine it with hyper-consumerism, this is the inevitable result. The procedures inflicted on the animals verges on animal cruelty. But because the dye is non-toxic, it is morally legit right? When dogs are presented at these competitions, owners often dress up in the same stupid costume as their dog, complete with a scenic backdrop. Sometimes they even do a little performance.

In Taiwan there is a bathroom-themed restaurant called “The Modern Toilet”. Here customers can dine out of a sizzling toilet bowl, drink out of a plastic urinal, while sitting on acrylic toilets adorned in “roses, seashells, or renaissance paintings”. Upon researching the menu, I was disappointed to discover that neither the food or the drink resembled human excretion, nor did the names of the menu items have any reference to bodily waste.

You wouldn’t find a single sundae resembling poop here :(

United States: Competitive Dog Grooming

Thailand: “The Lompuri Monkey Buffet”

Mexico: Night of the Radishes

Every year there is a feast held for the thieving, sneaky monkeys in the tourist haven of Lompuri, Thailand. Because if you can’t beat them, join them? This has become more of a bit of an attraction.

It will probably keep them off stealing food for a day or two, but they’ll soon be back in business, stealing bananas and peanuts from unsuspecting Australians (who love it).

The night of the radishes is a giant radish carving festival held in Oaxaca, Mexico every year. Today, the festival is giant in terms of size, particularly size of the radishes. Oaxaca is traditionally a wood carving community, and people began carving radishes after they were introduced in the colonial period to attract the attention of customers. It was so popular that it continues today on a much, much larger scale. Radishes are now grown especially for the event.

The land is doused in fertilizers to ensure abnormal growth and unpredictably shaped radishes which also make them unfit for consumption.

editor@salient.org.nz

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AUSTRALASIA

salient

AFRICA

Australia:

Botswana:

“Goanna pulling” is Australia’s tug-o-war, but instead of using your hands, you use your neck, and instead of a rope, there are leather straps. Confused? Me too. The name comes from the way contestants position themselves in order to play. Contrary to what the name suggests, they, fortunately, do not actually pull goannas (large, terrifying Australian lizards). People begin in a crawling position with leather straps around their necks, and pull against each other. This is a serious competition. There are weight divisions.

Be afraid.

In Tsawana culture, there are normal New Years practises.

You know, fireworks, partying, food and… customary sex at the stroke of midnight? That is, if you’re lucky enough to be happily married. Sex at the turn of the New Year is said to ensure it will be a fruitful year. On the other hand, it often follows with unnecessary heartbreak and even divorce if one fails to show up, since, you know, it takes two to tango.

Vanuatu: For those of you who didn’t take ANTH101, the Pentecost Islanders of Vanuatu practise land diving; or, bungee jumping over soil. Scaffolds are built, and people jump off them using only rope.

The goal is to actually brush the soil with your head, which is said to assure a good harvest for the coming year. If you succeed in doing so you are considered lucky. If you overshoot it by a few inches you could break your neck.

New Zealand: Rotorua, New Zealand is the home of the Zorb—one of the world’s dumbest extreme-leisure activities. Otherwise known as “orbing” or “the human hamster ball”, it has become very popular in Europe.

Okay, so I’m not sure if New Zealanders actually do this, but the point is, because we invented it the rest of the world thinks we do.

And that’s what matters. Aren’t you proud that we are known as the country to invent this? Like, who cares that we were the first to conquer Everest, or split the atom when we have a giant, inflatable ball of fun.

www.salient.org.nz

Nigeria: Do you like bad soap operas? Did you know that Nigeria has the second largest film industry in the world? For real.

Second only to the United States—all that oil-money must have been put to good use! Welcome to Nollywood!

Featuring films such as Living in Bondage and Osufua in London. It’s cool, because it all began with an informal, low-quality video trading. So, for fun, they emulate American indulgence and life. Nollywood had a huge boom in the 1990s after a lot of aggressive marketing, which apparently worked because it has gained popularity across the continent.

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Sex

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salient

Bridget Bones

A gentlemen always lets his lady cum first Call it old-fashioned courtesy. Call it being a gentlemen. Call it whatever you like.

If you’re allowing your lady to cum first, you, my friend, are a prime example of the refined, exquisite gentlemen of sex etiquette.

Alas, many men out there refuse their lady this fine privilege. Hell, some don’t even know if their partner has cum. I get it, we’re young, and for the majority of us, sex is a self-pleasing act. But this, my dear sexed up readers, cannot go on any longer. Now I know I’m coming from a female perspective (no pun intended), but it really is shocking how many women don’t orgasm during sex.

There’s many explanations as to why this doesn’t happen: the simplest being nature.

Lads, when you cum, your brain releases chemicals which make you want to sleep. So, if you cum before your partner, you’re likely to drift off to sleep, leaving her sexually frustrated and your chances of getting laid again slim.

But there are other reasons. If you ask the average guy if their girl has an orgasm every time they fuck, they’ll say fuck yeah! Sadly, this is often not the case. There are statistics that show up to a massive 70 per cent of women have never had an orgasm with the person they’re currently rick-fracking with.

And sadly, this is most prevalent amongst heterosexual couples.

I honestly don’t know if it’s because you simply didn’t care if she gets off or not, or you don’t know how to get her off, but, GENTLEMEN PLEASE: make your girl scream. Having sex with a woman and not allowing them to achieve an orgasm one way or another is simply selfish. So please by all means, stick that nugget of information away in your brain somewhere and let it fester. And for the love of God, use it next time you wanna bone, and make her cum.

She’ll thank you for it, I promise.

www.salient.org.nz

Don’t stop! Talking First things first. If you have had sex with your partner numerous times now and things haven’t been happening for her in the “O” department, you may have to face a brutal fact. You see, most women cannot achieve an orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone. That’s right lads: the classic “in-out” thing you do with your fingers that you seem to think feels great kinda sucks. Some women may need direct g-spot stimulation. Or others may require some tongue-magic or a vibration on the clitoris (yes, it does exist). I know to most men this may come off as a direct hit to your manliness or ego, but you seriously need to drop that shit. Hitting it harder or trying to drive it in there deeper is not going to work. Beating yourself up over the size and girth of your penis isn’t going to help either. You’re simply going to have to face it—your partner is going to need help. The first step in doing that is communication. Talk to her. Ask her what she likes. Ask her if she likes what you’re doing if she doesn’t know what she likes. Just ask.

Stay calm and don’t dick out!

If you can’t talk to your partner about what feels good, then forget it. You’re a lost cause. Seriously. It’s another harsh truth but one you’re going to have to face. If you seriously cannot discuss what happens in the bedroom after what just happened in the bedroom, then you my friend probably shouldn’t be fucking in the first place!

Look at it this way—you just put your penis inside of her vagina. How hard can it be to actually talk to her about her orgasm, or lack thereof ? So please, by all means, talk about your sexual relationships. Don’t stay quiet.

But, before you do, there are some rules.

Rule one: don’t be a dick Rule two: don’t be afraid to about it. Nothing closes doors, or legs, faster. You need to just stay calm and allow her to feel safe to express her concerns. If you take personal offense to what she says, then you, my unlucky friend, just blew it, which means you won’t be blowing your load anytime soon.

explore. If she comes back at you with certain desires and fetish that you may find weird or gross, don’t chastise her for it. Try to travel down that road of exploration together. Remember, your goal is to have a sexual experience where both parties involved have an orgasm. So if she wants you to spank her or tie her up, do it.

issue 7

A tool bag is filled with dildos!

You still with me champ? Good. If you have talked to your partner, you should by now have a pretty good idea that there haven’t been many fireworks for her in the bedroom.

Hopefully you didn’t dick out and throw a fit.

Hopefully you didn’t say something along the lines of “What?!?! My dick isn’t good enough for you!?!?!” Because by now I would hope you have realised that dick size doesn’t mean shit to most women.

So hopefully you talked about finding a solution. Maybe she has told you what she likes and doesn’t like. By the way, women who are reading this, listen up. If your partner is doing something you don’t like, please tell them (and for the record, this applies to ALL sexual partners). If you like something done a certain way, please tell them. Sex is a two way street after all.

Anyway, if you have come that far and have discussed what you two would like to do about it, then you are on the right track. Congrats.

If she has shown signs of wanting a sex toy in the bedroom, don’t panic. Don’t lose your cool and get all jealous. Most men do and this is common. Most men see it as a replacement for their dicks. That is not the case. It’s merely a tool. Sex toys are tools of the sexiest god damn kind! Surely you wouldn’t change a tire with your dick? Or fix a leaky sink with it? Would you? Jesus, I hope not. You see my point. We all need help sometimes. We need the right tools, and for some women a dildo is the right tool for the job. Having a few in your bag is not a sign that your dick is broken. It’s a sign that you’re a guy who knows how to please his partner, and trust me, nothing is sexier. A guy who’s willing to roll up his sleeves and get down and dirty to get the job done? Dayum!

Sex toys are amazing. Use one and you’ll see what I mean.

Sex

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If she has shown signs of wanting a sex toy in the bedroom, don’t panic. Don’t lose your cool and get all jealous.

Most men do and this is common. Most men see it as a replacement for their dicks. That is not the case. It’s merely a tool.

A new dawn...

To make a very long story short, my point is this, guys: it is not manly or cool or whatever to just hop in and get out. Do me a favour and switch that around in your head. How would you like it if your partner left you high and dry while she went and found a towel?

Exactly, now man the fuck up and do what needs to be done fuckwise. By the way, sex toys aren’t the only solution. Like I said, communication is the only way to find what is going to work best for you.

Next time you’re gonna get freaky, think about how great it will feel after you both cum. Whether you’re in a relationship, fuck buddies or simply having a one night stand, the best sex happens when everyone is happy afterwards.

Now go my children and have some orgasm filled sex. And remember, stay safe.

editor@salient.org.nz

Opinion

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salient

How does it feel? Blind.

The recent attack on Adelaide Road has hit me hard. I, like many people, have walked Adelaide Road late at night. When walking anywhere late at night, the fear of attack is always in the back of your mind, but you walk on. The fear of sexual assault is a reality, but you never actually expect it to happen so close to home.

When attacks happen, the usual conversations and messages spring up: don’t walk home alone at night, don’t encourage men, don’t wear heels in case you need to run. It’s the victim’s fault and it’s our responsibility to “avoid” rape. If we actually followed all the rape “avoidance” rules, women would simply stay at home forever.

Even then, we wouldn’t be safe, because most of the time you know your attacker.

It reminded me of this time at a party when a friend of mine was so drunk she didn’t know what planet she was on. A guy I knew had his arm around her/was holding her upright, and he was being really pushy.

I put my arm around my friend and asked her if she wanted some air. The guy protested, so I held on to my friend tighter and told him to go find someone less intoxicated. So he searched and found our equally as drunk friend. I stepped in again, and with the help of other revellers, I was able to help her and tell the guy that his behaviour was not absolutely not cool.

Navigating the world safely as a woman can be difficult, because everything we’re taught about how to be “safe” doesn’t work. It feels blind. The world has taught us nothing about our own safety, only about threats to it.

I remember that the party went on and the guy ended his night lying in the middle of the road and crying. He shouted that I had turned everyone against him. People were mildly concerned that he was going to be run over by a rubbish truck, but were more concerned that he had gotten himself into the situation. They told him that he should know better, before they scraped him off the road.

At a recent party, a friend of mine took me home, put me to bed, and tucked me in.

It was wonderful, because I wasn’t left to navigate the world alone while intoxicated.

Whenever you are out, your number one priority is yourself. I was having a good time and I could see that my friends were going to have an awful time if someone didn’t step

Gertrude Kennedy www.salient.org.nz

in. I guess that’s also how my friend felt when he took me home and tucked me in a few weekends ago. It’s better for everyone when we help each other out. Parties are wonderful and exciting, but they can be terrifying if you’re left at the mercy of icky boys and aggressive men.

People have told me that the fear of being a fun-sponge has stopped them from intervening at parties. In my experience, rapists are massive fun-sponges. One in four women will experience some form of sexual violence in their lifetime, and the risk of sexual violence is high for women in their teens and 20s. When you step in, you’re preventing rape, and you’re teaching someone how to be a better person.

For more information on how keep others safe, check out AreYouThatSome1 on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ AreYouThatSome1 and Twitter www.Twitter. com/AreYouThatSome1.

Opinion

issue 8

29

Deploy Foreign Drivers to Iraq

There can be no argument that foreign drivers currently pose the greatest threat to the safety and well-being of Ordinary New Zealanders—prompting many to ask how many young, beautiful families must be massacred before something is done to stop the latest tyranny to befall our nation’s roads.

Some commentators may draw parallels with the Great Asian Driver Crisis of the early 2000s, but the threat we now face is far, far greater. Keen observers will note that while Asian drivers are generally a timid bunch and avoid anything north of a 70kph speed limit, foreign drivers have no qualms about blazing a trail of fear and destruction on the open road at a brisk 105kph.

Only the rise of Islamic State can come close to emulating such levels of terror. Recently I have found myself in an unbearable panic upon leaving my armoured compound in the morning. The sight of Black Flag fly spray is enough to provoke an onset of violent fits, and I am reduced shopping in the fly-infested but otherwise peaceful aisles of my local organic food store. I’m safe there—but for how long?

However severe a reaction ISIS may provoke, I can’t bring myself to unreservedly condemn its actions. A hero is only as good as its corresponding villain, and only Islamic

State’s barbarism and enviable production values can truly demonstrate the inalienable righteousness of the Western way. No doubt some of us recall capital punishment’s glory days fondly, and can only look on in concealed admiration every time a beheading leads the six o’clock news.

Nonetheless, popular discontent dictates that ISIS must be destroyed. Not being one to rub against the grain of the mob, I propose a typically elegant solution to the two greatest national security threats our country faces.

We must deploy foreign drivers to Iraq.

It’s a small wonder that the ever-pragmatic Key Government has not thought of this earlier. Our brave soldiers are far too valuable to be risked in situations where they may be exposed to extremes of weather or other people with guns. All are strong, many are good looking, and they have impeccable manners. Their continued existence is the only thing stopping society from descending into an inescapable moral abyss—their safety must be paramount.

Foreign drivers, on the other hand, are tossers, in spite of their martial-esque commitment to a very particular manner of dress which makes

it that much easier to avoid the pricks. They are also ruthlessly efficient merchants of death, bound by no moral code or respect for the sanctity of life, which presumably makes for a fair fight against the likes of Islamic State.

Some may argue the finer legal points here, but I won’t be moved. If ISIS won’t succumb to political correctness, then why the hell should we? It takes two to make an accident, as a writer once mused, and I’ll defend to the death the right for Ordinary New Zealanders to engage in up to half a car crash’s worth of behaviour over any trumped-up legal nicety espoused by the do-gooders of our justice system.

All this, admittedly, does not account for the possibility that foreign drivers are in fact members of ISIS themselves, a portion of the disaffected youths taken in by Islamic State’s slick recruitment videos and sexy heaven virgins. In this case, both they and the jihadloving freaks who supply them with vehicles should be shot on sight and have their bodies draped over road signs as fair warning to other would-be wackos.

Love Hertz? I don’t think so, terrorists.

William Blackler editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

Loosely Inspired (by The Bachelor)

Bachelor of Art George Block and Joe Cruden

We’re not going to lie, dear readers, it hasn’t been the best week for New Zealand’s least-read reality TV reviewers. Joe received his third academic warning of the year, while George was expelled from Young Labour for making a scene at the conference and abusing the president for being “insufficiently radical”. The wolves are well and truly at the door, so it was with some trepidation that we settled down with a box of RTDs to watch Tuesday’s installment of The Bachelor. That’s right, everyone: this week we actually watched one of the episodes most of the way through.

spot hoves into view—it’s an idyllic little swimmin’ hole! “Feels like Harry Potter” reckons Kristie. It reminded us more of Lost, but Art’s no John Locke and within minutes he’s once again clowning about in the water.

So what happened? Well, it was pretty much the same as any other episode (we imagine). Our host Mike Puru kicked things off as usual by materialising uncomfortably close to the contestants and breathlessly describing this week’s activities. Puru reckons we need a change of scene so we’re off to the Bay of Plenty.

Now it’s back to Tauranga where Mike’s put everyone up in a shabby little apartment. Kristie returns from her date looking resigned and the other contestants waste no time asking where her rose is. It emerges she didn’t get one and it’s poignant as all hell. Chrystal’s jaw drops but she’s loving it, having become completely comfortable in her role as a pantomime villain.

Cut to Arthur sitting atop The Mount at dawn, looking over Tauranga like he knows where he is. Art says he’s keen to “have some brand new adventures and hopefully a little romance.” Joe cracked another Cody’s and George rolled a smoke. We were in for it tonight.

Before we knew it we were off on an Individual Date. This time it’s Kristie who’s been singled out, apparently Art’s taking her to a “secret location he’s known about for a while”. The secret www.salient.org.nz

Just as we were longing for the Smoke Monster to appear, Kristie begins hyperventilating in the water. To the surprise of no one Art is “trained” in “surf life-saving”, and after about 30 seconds of staring slack-jawed at his struggling date, he drags her back to shore and hails himself a hero.

Mike’s managed to throw together a horse trek group date and before we know it everyone is saddling up. Art looks ridiculous atop his Clydesdale— his is by far the biggest horse there and he’s carrying on like he’s a Cuirassier in Age of Empires III. The gang sets off on their trek with him in the lead; let’s hope there’s a group of Pikemen waiting around the corner.

But horror! Matilda’s been knocked off her horse and has broken her wrist.

This is dreadful, and it’s made worse by seeing Art completely unable to express sympathy. He gives her a rose—a clumsy attempt by Mike to avoid a lawsuit. The group date is cut thankfully short and everyone’s whisked back to the mansion.

Mike appears once more, like a plague bacillus visited upon us by a vengeful god. There’s no time to indulge his nascent alcoholism with yet another cocktail party so we get straight into the Rose Ceremony.

But we can’t take our eyes off Puru who absolutely steals the show in this scene.

It appears he’s become consumed by his love for German New Wave Cinema and hovers near Art with an insane brooding intensity reminiscent of Klaus Kinski at his best. Incredible stuff.

Anyway, Art became paralyzed with indecision like a stupid Prince Hamlet and none of the contestants were sent home.

When the episode finished, a sombre mood descended on our horrible little flat. We’ve become more than a little jealous of all these activities—it’d sure beat another night binge watching Lost and eating Joe’s terrible bolognese.

issue 8

Are We a Thing? Part 1 For centuries, Freshers have been asking themselves and their new best friend (closest person of the opposite gender next to their room) “Are We a Thing?” It has often been said that in high school it’s “how long do you have to date before you can mate?” and at uni it’s “how long do you have to mate before you can date?” Well however true that may be, (our mums probably read this, so we aren’t going to subscribe to it being overly truthful, at least not with honourable young men like ourselves), we thought we would help shed some light on the relationship you don’t actually have with that person in your hostel everyone knows you like.

The first year of uni and hostel life is a lot like The Hunger Games—everyone is out to get someone else and I still can’t work out if Jennifer Lawrence is hot. The stress of year 13

31

and mad girlfriends makes something internal snap and the most plausible remedy is to “get with” as many people as possible. Although this desire keeps deep the pockets of the crew at Famous and Dixon St Liquor, we are still yet to know if it is healthy.

The person you now like is probably that one who talked to you during O-ath Week when you were all drinking, but you thought you could do better. Now we are half way through the tri, and you have come to your senses. You know they are the man, but now (unlike you) they are actually studying on a Friday night and all you can do is tell them to “come out” as you awkwardly sip a warm can of Cindy’s in their doorway.

We will revisit the situation in a later issue.

For now—if you are wanting to secure a sure “thing” later on in the year, when you know she’s no longer “really busy” with

assignments—you need to follow a few basic steps.

Tip of the week—Extended Edition: It’s not O-ath Week anymore. Which means you can no longer get with randoms in town and it be “funny” now—it’s kind of weird.

Chances are you live in the same hostel as them, so for goodness sake don’t be forever texting them, the occasional Snapchat is fine.

Get friendly with their friends. It’s not just him or her you have to impress, it’s all of their friends—which is probably their entire floor, good luck.

That’s all for now, your wingmen, Luke and Tom P.S. Like and share our Facebook page for a chance to win your share of absolutely nothing.

We Drank This So You Didn’t Have To

Riverside Landing Semillon Sauvignon Blanc

Lydia and Mitch

Cost: $4 Alcohol volume: 12.5% (7.4 standard drinks) Pairing: Pizza and misery Verdict:

We need to talk about Australia. Emotions about the big sandy bastard include: “Why is everyone moving there?” “Should I move there?” and “Is Tinder in Melbourne really that great?” However, we’re in the business of only asking the important questions so our query is: “How is your wine so cheap and am I going to vomit now?”

By way of explanation, you should know that Mitch went to Australia and in Australia he bought this unpatriotically cheap bottle of wine. In spite of our clear nationalistic loyalties, it would have been rude to pass up the opportunity to try a bottle of wine half the price of a bottle of Fat Bird. So try it we did,

picking the Aro Valley Pre-School playground as our venue. This is regrettable and we want to use this review as an opportunity to publicly apologise for the children who inevitably became stuck to the slide as a result of spilt wine (yes, we do cry over spilt wine).

The first hint of the standard of wine that we were drinking was that it was labelled a “2014 Vintage”. We respectfully submit that this is an oxymoron*. As Lydia acutely observed, there are remnants of dinner on plates in her room that are older than this wine. The wine glugged out of the bottle and into our Happy Meal McDonald’s cups and the first taste was anything but sweet. Sometimes we try to

“I’ve probably drunk worse” be sophisticated when doing these reviews, this was not one of those times. An unnamed reviewer remarked that Riverside Landing just tasted like “every other fucking bullshit white wine” they had inhaled in their life.

This wine was cheaper than a clean skin and better than a Marlborough-reject wine. We liked it. As an aside, we should note that it’s becoming increasingly clear that we may be drinking this because we want to, not so you didn’t have to, but that’s probably OK? Right?

Mum? *We know that’s not what wine vintage means but just shut up. editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

The Week in Feminism Brittany Mackie

L

ast week a waitress posted on the Daily Blog that PM John Key had been continually harassing her at her place of work by pulling on her hair while she served him and his wife. The waitress described his actions as that of a “school yard bully” and says she was annoyed by his behaviour once she realised it wasn’t a one off. Key had made the café that she worked at a regular haunt for him and his wife and said that he and the staff had a “warm and friendly relationship”. A friendly relationship with someone has never excused unwanted touching and that excuse doesn’t work for the PM any more than it would anyone else.

The fact that he harassed her in this way while she was at work brings into play unfair power dynamics, not to mention that he is our nation’s leader. Anyone working in the hospitality industry, whether it’s waitressing, bartending or something else has most likely experienced some shitty interactions with members of the public. It’s often more difficult to assert your rights in these situations because you’re just trying to do your job, which is to please the customer and ensure they get good service. Because of the training involved in hospitality jobs, which always states and re-states the mantra “the customer is always right”, we aren’t taught what to do when the customer is wrong—in this case behaves in a way that no one should have to deal with.

It’s good to go into cafes and restaurants with the acknowledgement that the staff are there to do a job, they probably want to be doing something else right now and they’re definitely not getting paid enough for the shit that goes down. Key obviously sees himself above this minimal level of respect. He behaved in a way to offend the waitress and, when it kept happening, his wife also

www.salient.org.nz

felt uncomfortable enough to say something. This isn’t about his position as Prime Minister-although his use of power over a young woman is messed up and needs to be addressed—this is about any customer feeling that paying $4.50 for a fucking trim latte entitles them to harassing the wait staff.

It’s worth mentioning that our trusty PM has apologised to the waitress and given her two bottles of red wine—which given the circumstances comes off a more like sinister grooming or a hush gift than a genuine acknowledgement that he’s acted like a drunken frat boy. He also said that he had no idea his actions were making the young woman involved uncomfortable until she actually said something.

However, she claims that her body language “screamed I DON’T LIKE THAT”. It shouldn’t matter whether she explicitly made it obvious that his actions were inappropriate. It isn’t actually our job as women to wear a sign that says “please don’t harass me”. Just don’t harass us! Just assume that we desire respect and space to do our jobs. Don’t call us pet names or whistle at us and definitely don’t touch us!

An open letter written by chief executive Sue McCabe of the National Council of Women to John Key sums it up in a way that I hope our savvy PM will understand—“We need to change our culture so that we don’t see touching someone as our right, unless we know it’s welcomed”.

The National government recently released statistics showing inequality in pay, violence and a lack of women in leadership. These statistics are the result of an underlying belief that women don’t deserve respect and are simply there to quietly be of service. The fact this is still widely believed can be most apparent in the hospitality industry.

issue 7

33

Books

We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves

The First Bad Man

Jayne Mulligan

Cassie Richards

After finishing We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves, it occurred to me that no matter what book I started next, nothing would come close to this. I finished this book in tears; it stays with you, and it gets under your skin. It renders following books meagre in its shadow. Fowler has crafted a novel of equally smart and funny proportions. It was shortlisted for the 2014 Man Booker Prize and has had an atmosphere of mystique around it; customers who have read it don’t want to tell me what it’s about, while the reviews spoil it entirely. I will not do this. I want to try to let you have an ignorant experience, like I did, because it makes all the difference.

The First Bad Man is the much-anticipated first novel of American multimedia artist Miranda July, following her 2007 short story collection No One Belongs Here More Than You. July’s story follows 40-something year old Cheryl Glickman, who lives alone and works for a company that produces women’s fitness/self-defence DVDs. At the most basic level, the novel is about how Cheryl’s neurotically regimented life is turned upside down when her boss’s 20-year-old daughter Clee comes to live with her. But what July has actually written is a complex, unconventional novel about love and motherhood that aptly reflects the changing ideas around parenthood and family which are happening right now.

Karen Joy Fowler Serpent’s Tail

There is a detail, which once revealed changes the game entirely, in the best way possible. The pivotal revelation comes 77 pages in, as Fowler uncannily anticipates the readers’ expectations and meets none of them. The central character, Rosemary, is the youngest of the Cooke family, with both of her eldest siblings having, for reasons unknown, disappeared. In the wake of her siblings’ abrupt departures, Rosemary has given up talking for the most part, though as a child, Rosemary insists, she wouldn’t stop talking. The mystery around her siblings’ departures, and her withdrawn silence forms the crux of this novel.

We are subject to Rosemary’s perspectives, as she navigates university, and has to grapple with her own troubled sense of identity. When she meets a new and wild friend Harlow, her conceptions of self are thrown into further disarray, and she must begin to take stock of her past. The entire crux of the novel is hinged upon Rosemary’s subjectivity and unreliability as a narrator, and certain events make it essential for her to rethink her childhood, and to reassess the memories she has locked away.

Fowler’s novel takes a sympathetic look at family breakdowns and repairs, childhood grief and trauma, and the impossibility of dealing with it all properly. Her novel also raises fascinating questions surrounding the ethics of scientific experiments, animal cruelty, the incompetency of airlines, and the ever-changing conceptions of family. With vivid and loveable characters, I want to preserve the feeling of reading this book, to put it in a jar for safekeeping (keep it secret, keep it safe).

Miranda July Scribner

July is an immensely talented writer, painting in the details of the weird and wonderful idiosyncrasies that people possess. Whether her characters bemuse, repulse or delight is entirely up to the reader. It is fair to say this is not a novel that will gel with everyone who picks it up; Cheryl’s mind is an uncanny place, and there are some very bizarre sexual fantasy scenes that could challenge even the most unflinching reader. But ultimately Cheryl is the most sympathetic, even lovable, character in the book. It is her quirks that make her relatable—keeping the absolute minimum amount of dishes in the house to avoid clutter; her generation-spanning connection with a baby she met when she was nine years old; her complete inability to fire the homeless man who turns up every week to tend to her garden. There might be nobody quite like Cheryl, but there is something everybody can recognise in her, especially her vulnerability and need for love.

I don’t want to give too much away. The twists and turns of the story are so odd and unexpected that it does a disservice to spoil them in a review. July’s prose is funny, poignant, honest and wise, often all at the same time. I found myself savouring the book, not wanting it to be over too quickly.

I can say with surety that The First Bad Man is one of the most bizarre and unexpectedly beautiful novels I have ever read, and is definitely a stand-out book for 2015.

editor@salient.org.nz

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Film

salient

A Little Chaos

Still Life

Stephen Hay

Livne Ore

I was really looking forward to watching a film directed by Alan Rickman. I, like most people in the English-speaking world, have a strong affection for Rickman as an actor. From Die Hard to Sense and Sensibility to Galaxy Quest (and apparently he is in some wizard film I haven’t seen), he has established himself as one of the most engaging actors of the last 30 years. So it brings me no pleasure point out that A Little Chaos is a terrible boring mess of a film.

Directed and written by Uberto Pasolini, Still Life was originally released in Italy in the Venice Film Festival in 2013, and went on to win the award for Best Director in the category “Orizzonti”. It also received the Black Pearl award at the 2013 Abu Dhabi Film Festival for “its humanity, empathy, and grace in treating grief, solitude, and death”, and for his performance, lead actor Eddie Marsan won the Best British Actor award at the 2014 Edinburgh International Film Festival. One might, therefore, expect quite a stunning film, and this is backed by the 81 per cent positive audience rating on Rotten Tomatoes. What one might not expect is to be holding back yawns for the majority of the film.

Directed by Alan Rickman

The film is set in 1670s France during the building of Versailles.

King Louis XIV’s official landscaper gardener looks to hire someone to design and build a fountain as part of the gardens. Of the potential landscapers he chooses a woman, Sabine de Barra.

This setup seem to indicate a story about a woman ahead of her time in a male-dominated world and there are certainly elements of that narrative. However, the problem is there are elements of so many different themes all incoherently mixed in. Sometimes the film is about gender roles, others times about the nature of romantic relationships and the importance of monogamy, then the focus shifts to post traumatic stress, then the isolation of class roles in society. There were more, but it was really exhausting trying to keep track of the story jumping from one point to another across the ridiculous number of forgettable characters.

On top of sheer number of themes, each were thrown at the audience in such heavy handed ways, which is not only bad filmmaking, but often made these shifts jarring.

I will give Rickman credit that it was bold to try and encompass so many elements into a single film, but unlike more assured filmmakers, such as Robert Altman, there was no through-line to the story.

Another bold aspect of the film was setting it in Baroque-period France. This was one of the most opulent and extravagant times in European history and Versailles was very much the epitome of this. However, it was clear that the film lacked the budget to portray this lavishness. The filming techniques used to overcome this just creating a feeling that everything was small and a look that was very bland. All of this made for one of the least engaging films I have ever seen in a cinema. www.salient.org.nz

Directed by Uberto Pasolini

This 92-minute drama commences with a series of funerals, varying in religion and venue, but not in attendance. The sole mourner, John May (played by Eddie Marson) is a London council worker who is charged with finding the next of kin of those who have died alone. Not only does he attend the funerals of the deceased, he also arranges them himself (using council money which, as his boss pointedly remarks, could be better spent elsewhere) and even writes their eulogies. This painstaking nature is carefully maintained by Marson, who depicts Mr May as systematic in every aspect of his life, including his austere tunaand-toast dinner (applying the “bachelors cannot cook” trope) and the meticulous ritual of pasting photographs from his casefiles into a personal album. The audience quickly realises that Mr May is without relatives and friends, and his muted, solitary life is observed with as much quiet sympathy he accords to his cases.

The melancholic leitmotif, a sombre plucking of strings which follows Mr May throughout the film, lends it a subtle atmosphere of sadness, although the majority of Still Life is drably ordinary and not conducive to alertness, especially on a comfortable cinema seat. Perhaps too light on backstory, the film only offers small glimpses into the life of Mr Billy Stoke, the last case Mr May is responsible for, and none on Mr May himself. When Joanne Froggatt is introduced as Kelly Stoke, the late Billy’s daughter, a breeze of conversation and change floats across the screen. Then, with only 15 minutes left, the inevitable conclusion is turned on its head and Pasolini pulls a bus out of the hat! With a lugubrious, unexpected ending, Still Life is transformed into a profound bit of dramatic irony that is worth the lengthy wait.

issue 8

Film

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Avengers: Age of Ultron Directed by Joss Whedon

Gus Mitchell There’s a certain level of expectation with Marvel Studio films. They’ve churned out hit after hit, and while fans have laid cash over fist for every effort, they still anxiously anticipate a potential dud each time. Once more, Joss Whedon has the unenviable task of helming film’s biggest superhero team for the second and final time in the joint-writer director helm. And thankfully, once more he swings for the fences and knocks it out of the goddamn park. Avengers: Age of Ultron is nothing short of incredible.

the film’s themes naturally revolve around global safety, and the true costs of keeping the world safe. The lip service and runtime paid to preventing civilian casualties in the super-fistfights is very much welcomed, and I couldn’t help but think it may have been a deliberate dig at Man of Steel, which was criticised at release for neglecting to show its hero looking out for the little guy. Look, up in the sky! Its a bird flipped in your direction, Warner Bros.

The film assumes you’re up to date with the other ten movies that precede it, allowing it to hit the ground running and speed through at a great clip. The plot is fairly simple: Tony Stark want to build a “suit of armour around the world” in the form of Ultron, a artificial intelligence safeguard that can do the Avengers’ job for them. Stark sees an endgame for the Avengers, but upon activation, Ultron “creatively” reinterprets this protocol and sets out to protect the world from those who would hurt it most: humanity. But the Avengers aren’t going down without several awesome fights.

By now, all the actors have settled into their roles in the Marvel pantheon, and everyone gives it 110 per cent. Everyone from Captain America to War Machine gets a shot in the spotlight, almost exhaustively so. In the film’s quieter moments, Whedon overindulges the yin-yang of his characters and their potential to be either heroes or demons. It sometimes descends into melancholy, but thankfully it never stays there. The Marvel penchant for humour is never lost, as almost every other line is genuinely hilarious repartee, although fans who still aren’t on board with Whedon’s overtly quippy character writing may grit their teeth.

While the first Avengers was kept squarely in New York, this outing has an international focus. This gives it the feeling that the entire world is in danger, and paints the Avengers as an extraordinary rescue operations group for global catastrophes; less Justice League and more Thunderbirds. These high stakes mean

But if I had to pick an MVP, it would be Ultron himself, voiced and mo-capped by James Spader (Alan Shore from Boston Legal).

Beyond the CGI wizardry that animates his eerie robotic frame, Spader’s Ultron is surprisingly affable for a robot. Spader smartly avoids the HAL-style monotone,

instead giving him the emotionally charged malice of a true psychopath, simultaneously oozing good humour and disdain towards the carbon sacks he’s forced to deal with to enact his grandiose plans.

As a filmgoer and a Marvel fan, I am perfectly satisfied, but I have to take one star off for its length. People talk about the day where superhero movie fatigue will finally set in, but having seen this one I know it won’t be from quantity of films, but from quantity of running time. The sheer amount of content the film manages to squeeze in, from characters to action scenes to set-up for the sequels, is astonishing to behold, but fans and non-fans alike will be fatigued from the sheer emotional marathon of it all. And don’t forget, we’re getting a dozen more of these over the next half-decade. I don’t think my ARC reactor heart can take it.

In short: if you’re a Marvel fan, then you know I’m preaching to the converted. For those in the wings anxious to know if this film is worth your student allowance, rest assured, this is something to assemble for.

editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

Baby, What’s Your Type?

Brontë Ammundsen In Japan, asking somebody’s blood type is right up there with asking “what’s your sign?” Blood types are assigned personalities—A is the Farmer: serious, composed, and trustworthy.

B is the Hunter: cheerful, enthusiastic, unpredictable.

AB is the Humanist: distant, careful, considerate, sensitive. O is the Warrior: expressive, clumsy, natural leaders, generous. Here’s what your blood type actually means.

The main components of blood are red blood cells, white blood cells, plasma, and platelets.

Red blood cells are simple little cells that have been stripped down to the bare essentials.

Their only job is to carry oxygen around your body. You can think of them like mailmen, where oxygen is the mail they’re delivering.

If you’ve heard of hemoglobin, it’s a protein that acts as a giant mailbag looped all around the mailman to hold on to the oxygen as the red blood cells travel.

White blood cells are armed with proteins called antibodies, and if you’re healthy they are only present in small amounts—they’re there to fight infection, so more are made www.salient.org.nz

when they’re needed. When strangers break into your body, the antibodies recognise certain features of these strangers and set out to kill them (like unwanted bacterial cells).

cells that were given in the transfusion—this can be fatal! So long as the blood types of the donor and patient are known, it is easy to keep things safe. This is how it works:

Plasma is a yellowish liquid, made 90 per cent of water. It acts as the river through your bloodstream that your other blood cells travel in. Platelets are little guys that help you stop bleeding when you get cut. They buddy up and clog your open wounds, and recruit some other protein friends to help.

A-type blood has Antigen A and Antibody B. B-type blood has Antigen B and Antibody A. O-types are grumpy haters who have none of their own Antigens and can’t tolerate anyone else’s, because they have both antibodies. Holistic AB folks have both antigens and don’t hate nobody because they have no antibodies.

So what does my blood type mean?

The most important blood grouping system for human blood transfusions is the ABO system. We have four blood types: A, B, O, and AB. The letters refer to a kind of protein called an antigen, located on the surface of red blood cells. For example, the surface of red blood cells in Type A blood has antigens known as A-antigens. Blood also contains antibodies, which are the part of our immune system that protects us from infection. Antibodies attack and kill cells which have antigens they don’t like.

Our immune system is primed to notice strange, potentially dangerous new things, and destroy them. Unfortunately, depending on your blood type, you may have antibodies that don’t like antigens found in other people’s blood. For example, Antibody A kills cells with Antigen A. This means that not all blood types are compatible, and that if you receive blood from the wrong person your immune system will destroy the red blood

If Alison A-type is in need of blood, she can’t get it from anybody with Antigen B because her B antibodies will get mad. She can only receive blood from antigen free Olivia O-type, or a fellow A-type. If Alison was giving her blood away, however, she can only give it to the all-accepting AB or a fellow A, because everyone else has B Antibodies.

Because Olivia O-type doesn’t have antigen A or B, she can’t upset anybody, and can give her blood to anybody. But because she has both antibodies, she can only get blood from another O. This is why O is considered the “universal donor type”. AB has both antigens, so while no one who isn’t also AB wants his blood, he’ll let anybody in. Thus AB is the “universal receiver type”.

On top of that, our blood decided to throw in one last prejudice. Positive and negative. The Rh blood group system is based on whether or not you have the “Rh factor” protein antigen.

You’re either Rh Positive, or Rh Negative. Rh+ is fine with Rh+ or Rh- donors, while Rhwon’t accept donations from Rh+.

issue 8

What happens if blood isn’t compatible?

When somebody needs a blood transfusion, it’s crucial to make sure the ABO blood type is determined and the donor and recipient are compatible. If an error occurred— and unfortunately sometimes this does happen—and incompatible blood was given in a transfusion, this can cause what is called an Acute Hemolytic Transfusion Reaction.

Upon transfusion of even a few milliliters of blood, it can occur anywhere between one and 24 hours. The introduction of unwanted antigens causes the recipients antibodies to get very hostile and attack and destroy the new red blood cells. Accelerated loss of red blood cells can cause problems such as anemia, jaundice, and Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (DIC).

In cases of anemia, your lack of red blood cells slows oxygen delivery throughout your body. Jaundice is caused by the destroyed red blood cells spilling their cellular components everywhere, filling your extracellular fluid

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Science

with unwanted mess like bilirubin—a waste product that contributes to the yellow in your urine and brown in your feces. The increased levels of bilirubin floating around causes your skin to turn yellow!

DIC is the coagulation of blood inside your body. Along with bilirubin, some of the mess spilled from the dying red blood cells is a protein called Tissue Factor, which isn’t supposed to be allowed to float around your blood alone. The wrongly freed Tissue Factor irritates features in your own blood, causing it to clot throughout your vascular system.

This vasculature roadblock can prevent your mailmen red blood cells from delivering oxygen to entire organs, resulting in complete organ failure.

Yikes! Why would I let blood into my body if that might happen?

Your body can’t survive without enough functional blood. As well as oxygen, it works to transport large amounts of important products around your body and to perform vital functions. If you’re involved in an

accident, an immediate blood transfusion may be performed.

There are also some unfortunate conditions that require patients to get regular transfusions, because their blood simply doesn’t work properly. Sometimes illnesses stop your body producing enough healthy blood itself, for example some bone marrow diseases that limit red blood cell production, or thrombocytopenia, which decreases your platelet levels. Severe infections, cancers, and organ diseases can also stunt your blood production, so blood transfusions can give your body the top up it needs to keep working.

Inherited conditions like hemophilia and Von Willebrand disease stunt blood clotting, which can result in severe blood loss from just a small cut.

Hate needles?

Every donation can save up to three peoples’ lives. The 10-second needle prick you dread may give a child in need the 80 years they deserve.

The Future of Prosthetics Benjamin Dunn

If I’m being totally honest, I first got into prosthetics because I wanted to give people robotic tails. I mean, we even still have the remnants of the bone structure for tails, how hard could it be? As it turns out, hugely complicated and prohibitively expensive for just about anyone, no matter how badly you want to swing from the trees like a monkey.

My dreams of tails will have to wait.

Building prosthetic limbs has come a long way since the days of Ahab and the wooden leg. Today, institutes like the Center for Sensorimotor and Neural Engineering (CSNE) in Seattle are working on prosthetics that talk directly to the brain, much like a real arm or leg would do. This is made possible through the study of brainmachine interfaces (BMIs)—devices and methods that allow communication between the nerves in our body and the electronics we attach to. These BMIs can be simple electrodes on the surface of the skin, or complex surgically attached devices that fuse directly to nerve endings. This means we can build robotic, electronic limbs and actually feel them like we would a real limb, or potentially even better. That’s right folks, we’re talking upgrades.

Building these kinds of complex prosthetics requires many different fields—medicine, biological science, mechanical engineering, robotics, and computer science. More

recently a key element of modern prosthetics has brought in industrial designers. With the advent of 3D printing there has been a rush to build more personalised prosthetics, working into the design elements of the person who wears the prostheses. These devices are going to very literally be part of you, so why not customise them and make them your own?

For example, industrial designer Scott Summit (who gave a wonderful TED talk entitled “Beautiful Artificial Limbs” in 2011) uses 3D scanning and printing to create prosthetic legs that are shaped based on a patients’ remaining leg. Summit’s 3D-printed legs are dishwasher-safe, curbside-recyclable and customised. He’s made see-through lace legs, nickel legs, tattooed leather legs and legs that look like part of the owner’s motorcycle.

As amazing as these devices are, possibly the greater challenge in the field of prosthetics at the moment is to make prosthetics affordable and durable. In countries such as Cambodia, Afghanistan, and Iran, landmines cause an estimated 26,000 amputations every year.

The people suffering from these amputations can rarely afford even a basic prosthetic, let alone any of the complex versions we see in many first world countries. Making high-tech affordable and durable enough to survive in these countries is a huge challenge, but one of the most important in the field. Unfortunately, my robotic tails will have to wait. editor@salient.org.nz

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Sat 9 May

Fri 8 May

Thur 7 May Wed 6 May

Sun 3 May

Sat 2 May

Fri 1 May

Wed 29 Apr

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Noise|Drone| Repeat 6

The Elder Statesman

Valhalla

Matterhhorn

Shake and Finger Pop

Suffocation and NZ Music Decapiated Month 2015

Laundry

Bodega

Parrot and Jigger

Princess Chelsea

Keepsakes, DJ Verdi

Paper Cranes

MOON

Valhalla

Meow

KVMEJB

Kelburn Village Pub

A$AP FERG

James Cabaret

Race Banyon MOON

Heavy MOON

Night of Prog

General Kala

Third3ye Matterhorn

Valhalla

Invasion

Valhalla

Yumi Zouma and Doprah

Meow

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MOON

Inkswel

Matterhorn

Slug Hugger, Fantails

Valhalla

issue 8

39

Music

Momentary Decline

Cherry Bomb Tyler, The Creator

Caroles

Tim Manktelow

Alice Reid

Caroles, the Auckland-based noise/punk/emo trio, released their new album Momentary Decline on April Fools. It follows Hollow Trophy, recorded in August 2013, and their debut release Huge Pizza in February of the same year. The new album is excellent, full of the sullen and youthful energy of the previous releases; it differs in that it feels a little more balanced and cohesive.

Tyler, the Creator is a bit of an enigma. He’s been a “walking fucking paradox” long before he gave himself the moniker on “Yonkers”. He’s controversial and has been accused of being homophobic and misogynistic, but he has a huge fan base nonetheless. He’s the co-founder and leader of OFWGKTA and has his own brand, Golf Wang. When asked to describe himself recently, he replied “I’m very bright. I’m smart. I’m annoying and obnoxious. I’m very creative and borderline genius, and I think other people are starting to see that, too.”

Momentary Decline, especially when compared with Huge Pizza recorded live at bFM studios, and Hollow Trophy recorded in a day somewhere out of Auckland (and, according to a Bandcamp itinerary, was preceded and followed by tripping balls), is more refined. It was recorded in the spring of last year, mixed by drummer Lawrence Goodwin, and mastered by Chris Townsend who has worked with the likes of Die! Die! Die! and Portishead.

The musical influences across the album are vast. The frantic energy that pervades it is similar to that of post hard-core bands like At the Drive-In. Tracks like “Bad Sleep” and “Clarity Decline” are reminiscent of early Modest Mouse. The track “Greenfog” is a shout out to the Auckland band of the same name, with whom Caroles are currently touring New Zealand. A standout, the album closer “Dwindling”, has all the tempering of ‘90s emo, with washed vocals and droning guitar.

This is not to say that Caroles don’t have their own sound— they do. Rather, the influences are varied, adopted well, and transformed into something fresh and new. Momentary Decline embodies a youthful ethos that is unique and innovative, and has a distinct place in the music emerging out the New Zealand underground scene.

It is an album of rise and falls, at times slow and pensive, and at others crashing and furious. This is how Caroles manipulate noise.

They space thrashing crescendos with gloomy, slow riffs, creating feelings of despair and pent up frustration. Tracks like “Now You Know” and “ANAL_BONGRIPPAH” embody this up/down pattern, and it is particularly notable on “Bad Sleep”—perhaps the most beautiful Caroles track to date. It pairs a sad echoic riff with soft, hollowed out vocals, before building into a fast-paced climax.

Momentary Decline is an album despondent and sometimes angry, but also energetic, and even cathartic as an outlet for pent up frustrations.

Cherry Bomb is his fourth LP and his third official album, following Goblin and Wolf. This latest release marks yet another change in his style; it shows his progress as a producer but is perhaps telling of his lack of growth as a rapper and as a lyricist.

Brevity has never been Tyler’s strength either, Cherry Bomb is a solid 54 minutes long. While significantly shorter than its 70 minute-plus predecessors, it’s still incredibly lengthy when compared to other albums, like Earl Sweatshirt’s recent I Don’t Like Shit, I Don’t Go Outside that clocks in at a mere 28 minutes.

If you stream Cherry Bomb on Spotify, you’ll find the “EXPLICIT” label on every single track, which says a lot about Tyler’s style.

Despite the expletives, Cherry Bomb is a little bit more chill than Tyler’s earlier work, with some critics even going as far to suggest that it’s a little bit soft. “Soft” is definitely not the word that I would use though; lyrically the album makes it clear that Tyler is still desperately trying to be as controversial as ever.

Cherry Bomb’s opening track “DEATHCAMP” has undeniable N.E.R.D. vibes and crunching, distorted guitar sounds.

“SMUCKERS” is one of the most hyped tracks on the album, featuring verses from both Kanye West and Lil’ Wayne. On it, Tyler raps about being banned from New Zealand: “I got banned from New Zealand, whitey called me demon / And a terrorist, God dammit I couldn’t believe it”. Cherry Bomb also features a number of other artists, like Schoolboy Q, Pharrell, Toro Y Moi and Kali Uchis. Interestingly, you won’t find them credited on iTunes or Spotify and Cherry Bomb’s tracklist offers no hint at the extensive guest appearances it features.

Cherry Bomb ultimately marks a change for both Tyler, the Creator and for Odd Future as a whole. They’re no longer a bunch of relatable kids who got lucky—they’re rich, successful and they’re definitely in the big leagues now.

editor@salient.org.nz

Visual Arts

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In Review: Candice Breitz

Sharon Lam

The City Gallery has recently unveiled an exhibition by the internationally acclaimed Candice Breitz. Her series of video installations explores themes such as pop culture, international film industries, family relations and how these shape both individual and community identity. I went along to the opening night to welcome in the new exhibit.

Upon reaching the gallery entrance, my colleague and I were greeted by a welldressed woman with a warm smile. We returned her smile and felt relief, her greeting lifted worries that our youthful and peasantlike demeanour would draw attention to us amongst what we expected would be a mature, cultured crowd. Once inside, a handsome-in-an-ugly-way waiter offered us wine immediately and made us feel as if we had also donated a six figure sum to the arts, which we shallowly assumed people in the room had. The Ross Geller lookalike then asked if I’d like a white or red wine, I replied white, Ross then asked if I’d prefer a pinot gris or a sauvignon blanc, I said pinot gris, Ross directed me to the row of white wine-filled wine glasses on a table and said to help myself. Awkwardness was created upon my realisation that there were two different shades of white wine in the glasses and Ross had not specified which was the pinot and which the sav. I confidently but blindly picked up one of them, Ross then nodded and I felt relief and false pride. So far, the service had been great and the wine was nice and, most importantly, free.

Soon the director of the gallery introduced the guest speaker, Miranda Harcourt, who was very eloquent and looked reassuringly like Suzy Cato. She impressed us by name dropping Anna Sophia Robb and that Hunger Games boy—two child actors that she

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had coached. After polite applause came the real highlight of the night, as to our delight, more catering staff appeared, holding trays of Chinese soup spoons. As veteran masters of gallery opening scavenging, my colleague and I skilfully and subtly glided alongside the early trays that were filtering the room. The spoons cradled within them a harmony of fresh figs, balsamic reduction, buffalo mozzarella, roasted walnuts and a bit of rocket. We were in heaven as we gulped down the first spoon and knew that tonight, we would feast.

After enjoying more spoons, each time from a different staff member so to not raise suspicion, we had finished our first glasses of wine. Ross was on the case, as he now circulated the crowd refilling wine glasses.

As he approached us I realised that there was now a chunk of mozzarella in my wine glass.

I quickly fished it out with my finger and ate it, thus cleaning my glass and continuing my graceful and cultured persona that I had already established with Ross.

New trays offering more varieties emerged, each as delicious and delicate as the next.

There was a pepper-crusted smoked salmon on dense brown bread, and what was the star of the night—a bacon infused mini doughnut with crème fraiche centre. It was so delicious that I force fed it to my vegetarian colleague, who was not quite as impressed. I also tried the red wine, which was also quite nice, and once again, nicely free. There was also a lager tasting station, which proved to be tasty, but perhaps not worth the forced interest and “mms” and “aahs” that one feels indebted to give to the eager server.

This shameless feeding and watering went on for some time, until we felt that our sobriety was depleting to a level where we would not be able to retain the air of grace and modesty that was cloaking our obvious inhaling of free food and alcohol. We ended the night by departing with a bottle of non-alcoholic sarsaparilla soda, which served as a lovely liquid dessert on the walk home.

Final verdict: 5/5. The arts can truly enrich one’s life, especially when in the form of infused doughnuts and buffalo mozzarella.

Candice Breitz is now showing at the City Gallery Wellington until July 26, 2015.

issue 8

Food

Restaurant Review: The Bresolin, Willis St Hannah Douglass I had high hopes for this place after checking the menu out online. It seemed like a mid-to-high-end sort of establishment, offering a range of steaks on the Lunch/Dinner menu that were priced anywhere up to $70. I mean, you sort of start to take a restaurant seriously once they can justify charging you that much for a piece of meat and then expect you to buy sides on top of that.

The occasion was a monthly “dinner club” thing that my flat does, but we decided that since it was Sunday we would do lunch instead of dinner. So at 1pm we rocked up to The Bresolin and were pleased with what we saw. It was bustling, but not so frantic the wait staff didn’t pay us any attention.

And then the menu arrived. Actually, no. Let me be more accurate: half of the menu arrived. A portion of the drinks menu and the brunch menu were handed to us. We enquired about the lunch menu, could we see that too? The waitress looked at us like we were mental. They didn’t start serving off the lunch menu until 4pm, she said as though it were obvious.

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2 for 1 Margherita

pizzas every friday from 3pm

We then tentatively asked about the possibility of seeing the full drinks menu, and were not disappointed. The range was extensive and reasonably priced. If we couldn’t have lunch, we could at least drink merrily.

Resigned to the somewhat underwhelming brunch menu, we looked at our options. There were the very standard eggs, muesli, big breakfast type choices, as well as a burger and fish and chips.

And then I saw it. Buttermilk Fried Chicken. I was sorted.

The Hunter Lounge

The food was excellent quality. The chicken was crispy and wellcooked, and the ‘slaw it was served with was flavoursome— although I wished there had been more than a large tablespoon worth served with my meal. It could also have done with something else served with it—there just wasn’t enough on the plate to constitute an entire meal.

What really topped it off for me was dessert. I chose the softserve ice-cream, indulging my inner child. The flavour of the week was banana choc-chip, and it was amazing. Definitely not the most sophisticated of desserts, but that’s irrelevant. Half the table chose it and every single person loved it.

The Hunter Lounge

Aside from small portion sizes and an apparent inability to realise when most people tend to eat lunch, I liked The Bresolin. I’d go back. Just maybe not to try and eat lunch.

editor@salient.org.nz

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GOOD GAMES ON A STUDENT BUDGET

One Finger Death Punch Developer: Silver Dollar Games Cameron Gray So, true story: some sort of colossal fuckup at the Salient offices meant there almost wasn’t going to be a gaming page this week.

Baz, our intrepid games editor, was desperate for anything to fill the page, and so he turned to the guy who owns neither a console nor a PC that can play GTA V or Mortal Kombat X. I know, not exactly the smartest move, but I do the best I can. I could have rented a console from the video shop down the road from my flat, but without a membership I’d be paying a $400 deposit just to have it overnight. Yikes.

So, in the interests of ensuring you can have something to fulfil your gaming review requirements from us, I looked for something that wouldn’t break the bank but nevertheless would be twice as fun as anything a triple-A developer can produce these days. Behold, from the depths of a Steam sale from a few years ago: the visceral brawling and intense action of One Finger Death Punch. www.salient.org.nz

Games

Look up Silver Dollar Games on any gaming forum and you’ll likely find a torrential downpour of negativity. Their library of games can be summed up in a single word: shovelware. They all feel like something a couple of kids made for a class project that got out of hand once they got onto Xbox Live Arcade. That’s pretty much what happened anyway. And yet when this developer, the one behind No Luca No of all things, decided to make a 2D brawler with stick-figures, they somehow managed to strike gold.

One Finger Death Punch is so brilliant because it takes fighting games back to basics, and yet feels as fully featured as something like Mortal Kombat. It utilises a unique 1:1 response system which uses only the left and right mouse buttons, your character stands in the centre as enemies come at you from both sides, most only requiring one hit to kill.

You’ll need quick reflexes and an attentive eye if you want to truly master this game though, with more difficult enemy types coming along at increasing speeds as you progress through the levels.

I’ve never come across a game that just feels so satisfying to play. Unlike other, more traditional brawlers and fighting games, every click, every move you make, has to count. Don’t think you can just instantly crush your way through the campaign in a few hours by button mashing, because it will not help you—with this game’s brawling system, genuine skill is the only thing that will take you far. Like I said, quick reflexes are a must, but even the quickest fingers will soon be straining as you bust out the combos

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and punch, kick, slice and dice your way through ten stick-figures at a time.

The game takes much of its inspiration from old school kung-fu movies which, despite your character being a stick-figure, is actually really effective, especially with the soundtrack. A game where kicking ass is the game’s main mechanic needs kick-ass music to back up the action, and this game fucking delivers with fast, crunching beats mixed with the Eastern influence you expect from kung-fu action. The graphics look rather cheap, almost like a mid-noughties flash game on Newgrounds, but with gameplay as tight as it is, the graphics pretty much had to take a back seat. Hell, even TotalBiscuit, he of the FOV slider master race, found a lot to like without giving a single fuck about visuals or the options menu!

Best of all, you don’t even need an expensive console or PC rig to play it. For a game under $10, you’d expect it to run buttery smooth on pretty much anything, and that’s certainly true, except for you poor bastards with expensive, but useless, Macs. It’s even on Android now, so you pretty much have no excuse.

One Finger Death Punch is probably the most fun you can buy on a student budget right now. Fuck GTA, fuck Bloodborne, fuck Mortal Kombat X, and fuck every game you can’t afford right now. Play One Finger Death Punch instead so you can eat this week and still have fun.

Conspiracy Comix

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salient

MAORI MATTERS

One of the current issues that seems to be the currently most debated in the Māori world is the normalisation of te reo Māori in all facets of life. There seems to be two factions: those who support a normalisation of te reo Māori in Aotearoa as a whole; and those who support the idea that te reo Māori is for Māori and to be almost reverently treated.

Personally, I agree with the former more than the latter. A language cannot survive, grow and thrive if it is relegated to ceremonial purposes or restricted to private homes. E ora ai te reo, me kōrero i ngā wāhi katoa.

Te Reo Maori

In relating to this Māori-wide issue, we can focus an aspect of it towards the university context.Can we,as New Zealanders,normalise te reo Māori in a tertiary institution? We see bilingual signs everywhere at Vic. Taiwhanga kauhau is the most widely used, seen on nearly every entrance to the lecture theatres.

Even Faculties and Schools have a Māori translation, such as Te Wāhanga Aronui (FHSS) and Te Kura Mātai Hinengaro (The School of Psychology). We have shown that we can translate signage. So what? It’s all good and dandy to tick off the “yes, satisfied the minority” box, but what can Vic and we as students do to normalise te reo Māori?

Jamie Yeates

BEING WELL

•

If you are coughing or sneezing, cover your mouth and wash your hands thoroughly, preferably using a hand sanitiser.

Protecting yourself not only reduces your risk of getting flu, but also protects other people around you, including those who are the most vulnerable—the elderly, very young, pregnant women, and people who are frail or sick.

Five things you need to know about the Flu vaccine…

Why do I need to protect myself against flu?

Influenza is a serious infection. It affects one in five of us each year. Around 400 deaths each year in New Zealand are thought to result from flu. Anyone can get flu, including young, fit, healthy people. You can protect yourself by following these steps:

Does the flu injection give me 100% protection against flu?

No is the short answer. However, it does give around 70-80 per cent protection against the strains of flu that are contained in the vaccine. It will also reduce the severity of your infection if you do get flu. The strains of flu contained in the vaccine are chosen carefully, based recent outbreaks around the world.

•

Getting the flu injection and encouraging others to get it too

As it takes 10–15 days to develop antibody levels after receiving the vaccine, it is important to get the vaccine as soon as possible, and not wait for an outbreak of influenza.

•

Staying home if you think you might have flu—avoiding going to work or uni means you reduce the risk of spreading the infection to others

Will I need to get immunised again?

Yes—you should have a flu vaccine every year. Firstly, as your body’s response to the flu vaccination declines with time, having

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The more people are exposed to any language, the more they are normalised to it. If you go to France, you are expected to encounter French at every point in your travels. Why not the same for Māori? This is New Zealand, the country internationally famous for haka, tā moko and fierce, brown warriors. We are famous for BEING MĀORI. However, what push comes to shove, the Government does not support cultural regenesis as much as it should. But is it the Government’s fault?

No. It is all of ours. Te reo Māori cannot be revitalised in a day, but we can at least expose as many people as possible to it, can we not?

Te Taura Whiri’s new idea for Te Reo Māori week of introducing a “new” Māori word a week for people is one strategy that allows us as agents of cultural regenesis to normalise the language.

Tl;dr: My university issue is the representation of te reo Māori at Victoria. Te reo Māori is still on the rocks and it is with us as University students and as the University as the whole to normalise the language and help with its revitalisation.

the vaccine annually will give you optimal protection. Secondly, because the strains of flu causing outbreaks tend to vary from year to year, last year’s vaccination may be potentially useless against this year’s type of flu.

Are there any risks from flu vaccination?

Contrary to popular belief, the flu vaccine cannot give you flu as it does not contain live influenza virus. People do often report feeling as though they have a cold after the injection for a day or two, or having an area of pain and redness around the injection site—this is a normal response to the vaccination, and does not mean you are allergic to it. More serious side effects are very uncommon, despite the vaccine being used by many millions of people around the world. You are far, far more likely to become unwell from a flu infection, than from the vaccine itself.

How much will it cost?

The vaccine is free for all students at Victoria. During the flu season, we will be running vaccination clinics in Halls, and other locations on campus, or call Student Health on 04 436 5308 to make an appointment.

issue 8

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VUWSA

Yarn With Zwaan Rick Zwaan

Last week you should have received an email from the Chancellor, Sir Neville Jordan, titled “Victoria University Council Consultation”. It’s not every day that you get an email from the Chancellor asking for your views on who you want to run your university—so make sure you don’t ignore it!

Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce recently changed the legislation requiring student and staff representation on university councils, prompting Victoria to begin this consultation process with its wider community. Like many students, you may not be aware of the existence of the Uni Council or what it does, so here’s a brief rundown and why it is so important that students take part in this consultation.

While the day-to-day going ons of Vic are determined by a team of top dog staff known as the “Senior Leadership Team”, the buck ultimately stops with Uni Council. As the governing body, it’s ultimately responsible for everything that happens here and the long-term strategic direction. There are a lot of competing interests and roles of a university, and the composition of the Council reflects that. Presently it’s made up of a mix of academics, alumni, reps from the Council of Trade Unions and Business NZ, Ministerial appointees, and a few co-opted for specific skills (e.g. accountants and lawyers), and students (Stella Blake-Kelly and myself ).

With so many competing interests and voices around the table, student representation is vital to ensure that the University delivers an education and experience that is as good as the marketing makes it out to be. A large part of achieving this is to ensure that the academic freedom, integrity and quality of what and how we’re being taught is retained. So it is also incredibly important that academic staff remain a part of Uni Council.

In an institution as large and complex as Vic, it’s essential that the experience of the reality of Uni life is present at the Council table.

Teaching and learning are the essence of a university, and I can’t help but think pessimistically about the future of this institution if academics and students don’t have a say in its direction.

Clubs and Activities Rory McNamara

I must get my column in on time

No other university is having such extensive consultation. The email you received went to 40,000 alumni, 20,000 students and 2,000 staff. The university community is what makes Victoria great, so make sure you dig up that email and let Council know that students and academics are an important part of that community too. editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

Enjoy Public Art Gallery

Notices Victoria University Toastmasters Meeting Wednesday 29 April 12-1pm Student Union Building, Room 219 Kelburn Campus Victoria University Toastmasters offers a friendly, relaxing environment to develop public speaking and leadership skills.

We are open to current students, staff, alumni, and members of the public.

Guests are always welcome at our meetings.

Careers and Employment 2015-16 Internships and 2016 Graduate Jobs See Recruitment Schedule for details: http://bit. ly/1zGNacY Currently recruiting: Fonterra, Microsoft, Bloomberg LP, ANZ, ASB, Tonkin & Taylor, DairyNZ, Assurity, FMG, Microsoft, Google, Heinz Watties, Optiver, Pernord Richard NZ, Atlassian, IBM… and many more.

Connect with employers via Recruitment events: http:// bit.ly/1DOS0WK Upcoming employer presentations: Atlassian (7 May), Fisher & Paykel (8 May), Intergen (13 May), Xero (14 May), MSD (25 May) Check in with a Careers Consultant during our daily dropin sessions! http://bit.ly/1A1ORgv Get help with your CV, Cover Letter, Interview skills etc For more info, login to www.victoria.ac.nz/careerhub with your Student Computing login!

Deconstructing Paris The public celebration of our official launch is on Friday May 1st in the Salmond Room (GB 219) of the old government buildings.

This website aims to critique the draft text for the new international climate change agreement that should be finalised in Paris this December. It hopes to show the public how weak the text is, and to add pressure for amendments that make the commitments genuinely enforceable as well as scientifically robust.

You’ll be able to hear directly from the editors, authors and designers of our site about the project, ask any questions you may have, and enjoy light refreshments courtesy of VUW. All welcome!

www.salient.org.nz

Muscle Mouth Triumphs April 29 – May 2, 2015 A Lonesome Scene… The lonely Tiger... Solitary Enlightenment... A Triumphant Rest…

A single scene stuck in a loop inside one texture… attached to only one moment... existing in its only world.

Taking elements from previous works, the multidisciplinary company Muscle Mouth re-presents the performance installation, Triumphs, at Enjoy Gallery, investigating how the a new context and setting may move the content away from being regarded just as a ‘scene’ in a show.

Victoria Abroad– Student Exchange Fair! This week Thursday April 30th Content: Why not study overseas as part of your degree?!

Come along to our annual exchange fair and find out more about where you could study on exchange! Chat with exchange students, partner university staff, Embassy staff and win prizes!

Thursday 30 April, 11-3pm in the Hub & Maclaurin Foyer Study in English, Earn Vic credit, Get Studylink & grants, explore the world!

Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon-Wed 1-3pm, Thurs & Fri 10-12pm

Forethought Talk Series Talk 1: What does it mean to CREATE? Arts & Science Sunday May 3rd at the New Zealand Portrait Gallery Doors Open 5:30pm, Tickets $15 on door incl beverages.

Come along to the first Forethought talk to hear two perspectives from Science and Arts on the topic of ‘create.’

The two speakers: Uli Zeulicke, head of VUW’s School of Chemical and Physical Science, will talk science and discuss the theory of Emergence. Ian ‘Blink’ Jorgensen, wellknown music photographer, musician, founder of Camp A Low Hum festival, and owner of old Puppies, will talk from the arts!

CAN DO IGM Can Do, the Rep Group for Students with Disabilities at VUW, would like to invite all members, and interested students (with disabilities, friends and family, generally supportive of equal opportunities... anyone!) to our IGM on May 4th, 12-1pm, SU217!

We’ll have yummy food, great company, and a chat about where we want to go for the year! We’ve also got a position open for Treasurer, so there’s a chance to join our awesome and friendly Exec!

Find us on Facebook ‘Can Do at Vic’ for more info!

Hope to see you there!

issue 8

Letters Letter of the Week:

Our new No. 1 favourite Execcie Dear Mr McChesney, I am writing to request a correction to your most recent issue of Salient. The Eye on the Exec section states that I had been late to the Executive Meeting on 14 April as I was in the toilet. You mention that I had done a poo, but it was in fact a wee. Please correct this in your next issue.

47

Don’t tell Rick he has power, that’s not going to end well Dear Rick, I have to unfortunately inform you that the council doesn’t give two shits about how the airport is going to benefit students. I think they made the decision based on how more tourists, businessmen (or business people for all the liberal wankers) will actually want to come to Wellington by flying direct. You would not believe the amount of people who visit New Zealand and just get stuck in in piece of shit Auckland. The city really needs this runway upgrade, and I’m just apprehensive of people that might potentially change the council’s decision and fuck it all up.

Thank you.

I’m also saying that you have the power to influence a substantial body of people, so please be careful of what you might say.

Kind regards,

Thanks,

Jonathan Gee

Anon

Letter of the week receives two coffee vouchers and a $10 book voucher from Vic Books Hi Anon,

Provocative statement provokes Dear Salient, Having recently completed research for an ANZAC commemoration concert, I read Phillip McSweeney’s article ‘Be Not Afraid’ with great interest. He makes good points about the narrow focus on the ANZAC soldiers in the Gallipoli campaign, something that writers still struggle to balance evenly, given the lack of focus on those soldiers who returned and the role of conscientious objectors in New Zealand. However, his speculation about My Lai seems unfounded. “Had New Zealand troops breached the confines of Gallipoli, would acts of savagery have occurred? I think you know the answer,” he declares.

Well, no, we don’t know, and can’t know. The precision with which Major General Andrew Hamilton Russell led night assaults at Gallipoli, and the steadfastness with which evacuation of troops took place from that very site, suggests there was more going on than simple “humans in sustained inhumane conditions”. By assuming that the worst would occur, he seems to buy into the premise that he discards earlier: that ANZAC troops were all brave and patriotic, looking to bash the Turks for threatening dear Mother Britain. Speculation on ‘what would have happened’ is meaningless.

Our fondness for commemorating ANZAC Day doesn’t, as McSweeney writes, emerge from abject failure (or at least, it shouldn’t). It emerges in spite of it - a remembrance of the men that fought, not the fighting they did; a remembrance of the lives they led, because their opportunity to keep living those lives was denied to them.

Russ Kale

Thanks for your feedback. Number three on the list of reasons why the runway should be built, according to the council, is “expected increases in international students”. The economic analysis suggested that 33% of the economic returns for Wellington would come from more international students. So I would say that the council does care about how a longer runway might benefit students. I agree that Welly is a way better city than Auckland (I lived there for 5 years before escaping down here) and the council should be doing all it can to attract more people here. The main point of my column was not whether or not we should have a longer runway, but if we’re going to spend $300m on it than there better be a convincing business case to back it up. Currently there isn’t and the Council are using international students as a reason to support it based off reports that say that direct flights aren’t even a key factor in international student’s choice of place to study.

Yours, Rick Zwaan VUWSA President

Corrections Issue 7’s Eye on Exec stated that VUWSA Academic Vice-President Jonathan Gee was late to the Executive meeting on 14 April because he was doing a poo. Mr Gee informs Salient that he was not laying a cable and was, in fact, taking a slash.

editor@salient.org.nz