Salient 01, 2013 - Love & Sexetera

monday 4th march 2013

E I L N A T S 1938

E I L N A T S 1938

victoria university of wellington student magazine

vol 76 issue 01

student media darlings Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Laura Burns designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Chris McIntyre news@salient.org.nz Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney arts@salient.org.nz Chief Reporter: Phillipa Webb News Interns: Sophie Boot & Alex Lewin Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Sharon Lam Music Editor: Philip McSweeney Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Guest Sub-Editor: Carlo Salizzo Web Editor: Laetitia Laubscher Distrubition Specialist: Joanna Judge

Contributors Nick Fargher, Ashleigh Hume, Chloe Daries, Asher Emanuel, Josh Lynex, Sam Northcott, Hilary Beattie, Gus Mitchell, Nick Truebridge, Miranda McGregor, Mike Jagusch, Sofia Roberts, Freddie Hayek, Big Poppa, Indi Howse, Mica Moore, Matthew Elison, Officious First Year, Caitlin Craigie, Sam Pachett, Eve Kennedy, Bacchus, Ollie Neas, Frankie, Puck, VUWSA Executive Contributor of the Week: Chloe Davies

Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine

Advertising Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz

About us Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA).

Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed

by Printcorp of Tauranga. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, Printcorp, that shark, Perez Hilton's baby, but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.

Other Subscriptions: Too lazy to walk to uni to pick up a copy of your favourite mag? We can post them out to you for a nominal fee. $40 for Vic Students. $55 for everyone else. Please send and email containing your contact details with ‘subscription’ in the subject line to editor@salient.org.nz this issue is dedicated to:

all of our unrequited loves, look where we are now. fuckers.

get “" Hookers paid $120 an hour; we get $250, and all we have to do is sit in a spa and

”

drink champagne "

Underneath it all, page 20

E I L N A T S ♥

1938

An organ of student opinion since 1938

weekly content 4.

5.

6.

14.

16.

Editorial Top 10 News Politics Campus Digest

features 18.

20.

22.

26.

27.

28.

29.

Soft Focus, Hard Bodies Underneath It All (Interview with a Stripper) The Ingredients of Love Porn To Be Wild The Emperor's New Clothes columns Pickup Artistry Sex Is Great (Or 30. VUWSA So I'm Told) 32. Bent 32. Secret Diary 33. Fixing Your Life 34. Mad Science 34. Weekly Rant 35. The Nurse's Note 36. Nigella Lawstudent 36. Bacchus Knows Best

arts 37. Music 38. Film 39. Books 40. Theatre

salient <3 you 42.

44.

45.

55.

55.

◄ ◄ • 3 • ►►

Puzzles Letters Notices VBC Gig Guide

EDITORIAL

EDITORIAL

Photo credit: Reed Fleming Love & Sexetera It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We know as well as anyone that matters of the heart ain’t easy. We don’t pretend to be experts when it comes to love. In our wayward pursuit of love, relationships, and sexetera, we’ve thrown our lives and dignities on the line.

Learn to avoid our mistakes, or better yet, follow them.

Because eventually, despite everything, we all find love in a hopeless place.

And until then, Salient loves you.

Molly & Stella Confessions of Cynical, Hopeless Romantics: Childhood: - Had your first kiss under your five-year-old playdate’s bed. He takes it too far and whips out his penis.

- Wrote Valentine’s Day cards to my parents every year, completely oblivious to the fact that there are “different types of love”.

- Heard Mum and her boyfriend having sex, unable to concentrate on Roald Dahl due to deciding whether to go call ambulance now for when the baby arrives any minute.

- Proposed to my Dad. The teenage years: - Learned everything about sex and love from romance novels about 30-year-old women.

molly

- Secretly stayed up late to watch Big Brother x-rated on Friday nights.

- Practising Dolly Magazine’s guide to pashing on my pillow.

- Bebo and Myspace-stalking babes.

- Getting your Mother’s sex talk in the form of being handed $50 “for you know, food, or condoms” before her driving off.

- habbohotel.com (“A/S/L?”).

- First experiences in backyards and on trampolines, in plain view of everyone.

- Cock-blocked by virginity.

- Few boyfriends, but lots of crushes who catch the same bus to school.

- Drunk texted.

“Adulthood”: - Had your first kiss in a London taxi cab, he takes it too far and whips out his penis.

- Cock-blocked by period.

- Almost reached 100 pashes.

- Realised that one-night-stands are nowhere near as glamorous as they seem on Sex & the City.

- Facebook-stalked babes.

- Constructed a shrine for a crush in my closet.

Ironically. Of course.

- Had numerous imaginary boyfriends.

- Finally understanding Robbie William’s lyric: “...all the handsome men are gay, you feel deprived.”

- Wrote personal ads in Salient (five responses (!)).

- Drunk emailed.

- Believed you could “still be friends”.

- Found out you can’t “still be friends”.

& stella

◄ ◄ • 4 • ►►

Re la t

TOP

o

ten

k Needs oo eb c

Statuse hip sF ns a io

zz li sa o l r ca

10 Taking emotional advantage of …

9 Desperately avoiding the L word with …

8 In a ‘when we’re 40’ marriage pact with …

7 It’s just easier to keep being with …

6 Contractually promised to …

5 Masturbates over …

4 Doing movies and handjobs with …

3 Falling asleep under …

2 Made a sex tape with …

1 Thinks about … while banging …

BY SAM NORTCOTT

◄ ◄ • 5 • ►►

♦ NEWS ♦

news love in POLY-COTTON blend Students get sticky between the sheets Phillipa Webb and Chris McIntyre

It’s not yet the Ides of March, but Thursday night saw hundreds of students Rome-ing the Hunter Lounge for the annual Neon Toga Party O-Week event.

As per 2012, tickets for the sole O-Week event held before the start of classes this week were in hot demand, with the event selling out days in advance of the event.

Despite the Hunter Lounge having a legal capacity of 1,000 patrons, 1,300 tickets were sold by the University meaning not all ticket-holders were legally allowed in the advertised venue at the same time.

The University justified the decision to oversell the event by putting on auxiliary attractions to attract students away from the main event at the Hunter Lounge. Among the sideshows were a sausage sizzle, a water and juice bar, and a bucking bronco on level one of the Student Union Building.

“The University has a comprehensive plan in place to manage the event, and will work with the licence holder of the Hunter Lounge to ensure numbers in the Hunter Lounge do not exceed 1,000 at any one time,” said Rainsforth Dix, Associate Director of Campus Services, told Salient.

Despite these assurances to Salient, the entrances to the Hunter Lounge were not managed by security, with patrons freely moving in and out of the venue uncounted.

The SUB has a legal capacity of 1,800, and the 1,300 tickets released suggest the University had reservations about the hazards posed by overselling the main attraction. The disparity prompted questions from disappointed first-years who missed out on tickets for the event.

“It’s meant to be O-Week for everyone and we’re just gonna be stuck at the hostel with no tickets,” one told Salient.

VUWSA President Rory McCourt did not support the decision to sell more tickets than the Hunter Lounge had capacity for.

“I’m extremely disappointed with the University, there was no consultation with students or the Association,” he said.

Hunger Lounge owner Tim Ward told Salient he was aware the University wanted to sell over capacity.

McCourt questioned the decision making around the hiring of a bucking bronco, something University management thought would be “funky for the kids”.

The bucking bronco was placed in the basement of the SUB and was enjoyed by many toga-clad party-goers.

One cowboy Salient spoke to said the bucking bronco was the highlight of his night.

“It was awesome to ride and did you see all those girls watching me?”

Less apparent was the University’s breathalyzer competition, at the entrance of the Toga Party.

Students volunteered to be breath tested and those who were “fairly sober” went into the draw to win an iPad. Salient saw the competition backfire with many first-years taking the opportunity to challenge their friends to see who was more drunk.

“Bro, I was way over the limit, cool aye—must have been that absinth.”

McCourt said the University used student money—procured through the student services levy—for the competition, without consultation.

“The whole idea is invasive. We also question the ethics of encouraging people to give out information like that,” said McCourt.

“It has basically been an unfair and unconsultative event.”

The competition was not advertised directly to students, rather, Campus Coaches were asked to tell their groups. Many students Salient spoke to were unaware of the event, and by 9pm, it appeared the competition had been shut down.

Students have already expressed their disappointment to the O-Week lineup—limited to the Toga Party, a Comedy spectacular and a Hypnotist night—covered in Salient last week.

The only musical Orientation act will be Home Brew and Tommy Ill, who will perform this week.

McCourt was confident Macklemore would have performed at O-Week had VUW come to the table earlier. The Macklemore contract was signed by the University in November which was “too late”.

“What happens is you have a group of University employees—staff members—some in their 60s, making decisions about what kind of events happen at Victoria,” he said.

“That isn’t a process that is good for students, or ◄ ◄ • 6 • ►►

give us your news; just the tip. news@salient. org.nz

meets the changing demands of the Orientation industry.”

Most students at the Toga Party were pink in the cheeks and happy in their bed sheets, regardless of the event’s shortcomings. ”It’s going off bro, big time, holy shit,” one student told Salient.

However, another Toga-partier Salient spoke to was not let into the event because he had not received his confirmation of study, thus could not get a Student ID and was refused entry.

He was heard telling his friends he was “going home to get fucked.”

Some returning students are bitter about the O-Week dilemma, with a third year student Salient spoke to describing O-Week as a first-year fest.“There’s just first-years walking around in Togas,” she said.

“It’s like, we’ve been there, done that. What about something for us?”

In an effort to rival Otago's O-Week, a couch was tipped over and set alight on The Terrace outside hall of residence Victoria House just before 11.30pm, as most students were leaving the Toga Party.

According to onlookers spoken to by Salient, the incident was not related to the Toga Party.

♦ NEWS ♦

ENROLMENTS GO DOWN UNIVERSITIES LEFT UNSATISFIED ALEX LEWIN

Student enrolments to study in 2011 were the lowest in nearly ten years, Statistics New Zealand figures show.

The number of students signing up for university and other post-secondary school courses dropped 7.4 per cent from 2011 to 2010, from 465,648 to 431,313.

In the past few years cuts in financial support have hit students, including tightening eligibility for the student allowance and cutting the postgraduate student allowance.

Former VUWSA president Bridie Hood said at the time of the figures’ release that the price of education is the reason behind the decrease in enrolments, and the change in attitude toward enrolling.

“I think it’s starting to impact on students’ decision of whether to go into tertiary education.”

Current Victoria University student Hannah Austin Smellie also thinks there is a correlation between the declining rate of enrolment and the lack of financial support students are receiving from the government.

“I think it’s a bit shithouse really that less people are enrolling and furthering their education, students need all the support we can get.”

Figures obtained from the latest University Council meeting show that as of 10 February, there were 54 less full time student equivalents at Victoria than the same time last year.

NEW ZEALAND ANNUAL TERTIARY ENROLMENTS BY YEAR 520,000 510,000 501,156 500,000 490,173

490,000 484,740

483,375

480,000 468,243

470,000

465,648

468,578

460,000

455,622

450,000 440,000 431,313

430,000 420,000

419,337

410,000 400,000 2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

YEARNING FOR AN EARNING

NEW TOOL ENABLES STUDENTS TO LOWER HOPES GUS MITCHELL

COUCH COINCIDENTALLY BURNING ON THE TERRACE THE NIGHT OF THE TOGA PARTY

students find love in a hopeless place

The Government’s emphasis on vocational aspects of tertiary education has been reaffirmed with the release of a Ministry of Education report on the future earning potential of students.

The report, titled Moving on up - what young people earn after their tertiary education, shows the potential salaries for a range of different study areas, projected over five years.

Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce cited civil engineering and medicine as lucrative, in demand areas of employment, and areas such as performing arts as less lucrative and of less demand.

The median salary for medical graduates is $94,257 two years after graduation, compared to $29,477 for performing arts graduates.

Joyce has highlighted the report’s information as extremely useful to any student in the midst of choosing a career.

"The data highlights the large variation in earning potential for different types of graduates, withthose studying in in-demand areas earning the most," said Joyce. Response to the study has been mixed. Labour Party Tertiary Education spokesperson Grant Robertson said the report simply confirmed what many of us already knew. “[It’s] hardly a revelation," said Robertson. "I don’t think too many people will be surprised to learn that a medical graduate earns significantly more than a performing arts graduate. There really is very little that we did not already know in this report."

Victoria's Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh has suggested that while the study is helpful if potential salary is a factor in determining a student's choice of subjects, a greater concern for students is to "explore what they are interested in and what they are good at."

77.1 per cent of students say the interest in the topic is the main reason for choosing a subject, while only 32 per cent cite earning potential as a factor.

The Ministry of Education compiled the findings by cross-referencing Inland Revenue data with tertiary qualification figures. It can be viewed at educationcounts.govt.nz and beehive.govt.nz. ◄ ◄ • 7 • ►►

♦ NEWS ♦

Campus Hub Project Timeline

2005

AUGUST 2006

2006

Campus Development Framework is released, providing a 10-year plan for Victoria’s development.

2007/2008 Preliminary concept design work for the Campus Hub is completed, with approval from the University Council and VUWSA Trust.

2007

NOVEMBER 2010 Work starts on the central hub building.

The Old Kirk Courtyard, Cotton Courtyard and the Student Union Building deck are revamped.

2008

FEBRUARY 2011 The old canopy over the Quad is removed and the Easterfield lecture theatre is demolished. The Student Union building has been redeveloped and ZHunter Lounge.

2009

CAMPUS HUB finished! (sort of)

Nick Truebridge & Chris McIntyre

After three years of construction, the Campus Hub redevelopment project is largely finished and is set to be opened on 21 March

by Governor-General Lt Gen Rt Hon Jerry Mateparae.

VicBooks, STA Travel, a university pharmacy and the HubSide burger bar are all operational or nearly operational, and the central building is semi-functional in its current state.

The central building remains at the heart of discussion on the project, with students fed up with the ongoing disruptions to the Kelburn campus. Construction stalled on Waitangi Day with the collapse of construction giant Mainzeal.

Campus Services Director Jenny Bentley was unable to provide any update on the information reported in Salient last week, at which time the University was seeking to engage a new main contractor.

DECEMBER 2011 The structure of the central building is put in place. The structure was fabricated off site in an attempt to minimise construction noise.

DECEMBER 2012

2010

Easterfield’s retail area was supposed to open. The accessway is currently still under construction, and some retail areas have only opened in recent weeks.

FEBRUARY 2013

2011

2012

The new central building opens, becoming a central hub providing access to other areas of the university for students and staff.

Despite the university's intention to have the central building’s outdoor area completed by the start of the 2013 academic year, this area remains under construction. Mainzeal’s receivership puts the date of completion for this phase up in the air.

MARCH 2013

2013

The Hub will be officially opened, likely still in its unfinished state, on March 21 by Governor-General Jerry Mateparae.

2014

2014

The University had intended to have the library completely refurbished by 2014. However, Mainzeal’s receivership and pending liquidation has made the completion date of levels 5-6 uncertain.

◄ ◄ • 8 • ►►

“The completion of the outstanding work is still unknown as it depends on how many contractors can be engaged and when they can start. However, our priorities will be completing the quad, retail areas and level 2 entrance to the Library,” Bentley told Salient.

While construction continues, some elements of the project have become ingrained in student life. The Student Union Building revamp, completed in February 2011, saw the opening of the Hunter Lounge and improved meeting, storage, and working facilities for students. It has been an integral part of Kelburn campus life since.

The Hub redevelopment is a joint venture between the University and the VUWSA Trust.

A portion of the total $67 million bill came from the Trust, a body funded by contributions of students under the former system of compulsory student membership.

♦ NEWS ♦

Zak, third-year Design “It’s pretty shit” Sean, third-year Commerce “Pretty unfair on people...people doing a threeyear degree have spend their whole time on a construction zone. The library is a bigger issue... [it’s] not good study-wise” Kate, University employee "There are so many new kinds of seats, and hanging sliding doors and secret nooks and crannies and light dimmers. I had at least half an hour of fun testing all those features" Molly, third-year Film “I wanted to come back to a nice new quad... we’ve had to deal with construction for the last two years” Anon first-years “I don’t mind the construction” “Not sure how much I’d use [the Campus Hub]” “It’s real open” “It’s a pretty cool place to meet people” “It would be good to have it finished”

◄ ◄ • 9 • ►►

◄ ◄ • 10 • ►►

♦ NEWS ♦

HARDSHIP FLOATS

STUDENTS' BANK BALANCES SINK MIRANDA MCGREGOR

Students have been feeling the economic pinch already this year, with student hardship services being used in increasing numbers.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that more and more students are feeling financial pressure, VUWSA Vice-President (Welfare) Simon Tapp told Salient.

“What we’re hearing … is that students are finding this year hard. We’ve heard of students slumming it in night shelters, and we’re expecting more horror stories.”

Student hardship services are designed to help those who are struggling to meet living costs.

VUWSA offers a number of hardship services, including budgeting advice, counselling support, bus passes, advocacy services, free bread, the community pantry/food bank, and the hardship

fund to which students can apply for money.

Tapp believes the current welfare situation is unlikely to improve.

“Legislative, economic and social conditions are worse now for students than they have been in a long time, so I’m not expecting decreased usage of VUWSAs welfare assistance this year.”

Geordie Cassin, the manager of service support for Studylink, believes this is the result of several economic trends, including the fact that as the workforce brings in less income they are more unable to support their children. Students are unwilling to let their parents support them when they know the situation is tenuous.

Student hardship services are of most use to students with unplanned costs, as well as those struggling to find work that pays enough to cover

the cost of living.

Salient spoke to one student who was quoted $1064 for a dental procedure, and was forced to go to the Unemployment Benefit Student Hardship committee.

“I had a meeting with a lady who heard my situation … and told me the committee would email me with a response the next day. She was very nice and empathetic.”

This example is part of a continuing trend for students, which has seen the high cost of living forcing students to resort to desperate measures such as the Wellington Night Shelter, or extended couch surfing as mentioned in last week’s Salient.

In 2011 Wellington was ranked as the 17th most expensive city to live in by The Economist and the cost of living had risen since then.

SNIP SNIP

NOT SO DUMB AFTER ALL WHO'S WATCHING ALL THE SHEEP?

INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS SCREWED, HIGH PRICE FOR CASUAL SEX

SOPHIE BOOT

For the first time a majority of New Zealanders have a tertiary qualification, according to a report released by the Ministry of Education in December 2012.

The report, Profiles & Trends 2011: New Zealand's Tertiary Education Sector, is based on 2011 data which found that the proportion of New Zealanders with a tertiary qualification or higher had increased to 52 per cent as of 2011, up from 50 per cent in 2010.

This continues a general upward trend in New Zealanders gaining qualifications, particularly amongst young people aged 25-34, of whom 30 per cent now have a bachelors degree or higher. The report attributes this to the "very significant increases in access to higher levels of tertiary education from the 1990s."

A 2012 OECD report on population percentage with tertiary qualifications showed that 46 per cent of New Zealanders aged 25-34 have a tertiary qualification, but this drops to 34 per cent of those aged 55-64.

Minister for Tertiary Education Steven Joyce said in his press release that the report "shows we are making good progress." "[The Government is] delivering on our commitment to strengthen and up-skill the New Zealand labour market."

However, NZUSA doesn't see the trend as an unqualified success. NZUSA President Pete Hodgkinson said the trend was a combination of 'credential creep', “where higher and higher qualifications are required to demonstrate a graduate's capacity" and ’massification’ of education. Massification refers to a higher number of students in higher-level education.

The Auckland and Wellington regions contain New Zealand’s highest proportions of graduates, each at 80 per cent; the lowest percentage of graduates is tied between Southland and the West Coast, both at 64 per cent.

GUS MITCHELL

Capital and Coast District Health Board (CCDHB) has put a condom on sexual health funding for international and casual students with cuts effective from 1 Jan. Complaints from students followed the Victoria University Student Health Services announcement that casual and international patients are now required to pay for any sexual health consultation they receive.

Sexual Health appointments for casual and international students will now cost $67 for a 15-minute appointment with a doctor or 30-minute appointment with a nurse.

Pam Thorburn, director of Student Academic Services, told Salient funding is beyond the control of Student Health. “[The changes] were brought about by funding reductions from CCDHB and Compass Primary Healthcare Organisation.”

Salient contacted CCDHB for comment but they did not respond before the magazine went to print.

VUWSA president Rory McCourt said he is disappointed with the changes.

“The cuts are a huge equity issue for students.”

He hopes to meet with the chair of the CCDHB to discuss the changes, and also plans to meet with Labour and the Greens to fight against the cuts.

Additional laboratory charges will also apply to international patients, a group who already pays tuition fees up to six times that of domestic students.

As at 15 February, Victoria had 814 international students enrolled.

◄ ◄ • 11 • ►►

♦ NEWS ♦

stick with the app students encouraged to make like wolves; form a pack MIKE JAGUSCH

Five Massey students have created the latest iteration of the the Stay Safe in the City campaign, releasing an app named The Pack.

Stick With The Pack was created to fight the dangers of being out and about in Wellington City at night.

The app was created by the third-year students in close collaboration with the Wellington City Council’s safety and design teams, as part of a project aimed at gaining industry experience.

“We wanted to change the way peoples' nights unfolded by informing them and actually giving them the means to keep track of each other,” said the students.

The app’s main feature is the ability to create a ‘Wolf Pack’ to keep your crew together when the night gets fuzzy. Friends form a pack through Facebook, and mapping technology allows Pack

members to track one another. Users can send a Wolf Cry alert to all pack members whenever in danger.

Additionally, the app gives slurring teen’s quick access to three taxi companies and Metlink public transport timetables.

Jane Gowans, Police community constable for Wellington universities, says it's important to ensure your safety when you are going home late.

“If a situation doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Trust your gut.”

Launched in 2006, the Stay Safe in the City campaign has focussed on protecting 18 to 25-year-olds in Wellington's entertainment area. It’s success is shown through Wellington being the only world capital holding World Health Organisation Safe Community Status.

ANZAC GOES AFTER STUDENTS "FAIR DINCOME" CHRIS MCINTYRE

Australia and New Zealand will begin collecting student debt from each other’s citizens under a deal floated in February.

The proposal has received Prime Ministerial assent from both nations, and is likely to be implemented through salary deductions and more extreme measures including asset seizure.

New Zealanders living in Australia currently owe around $600 million in student loans. It is hoped the measure will improve the state of New Zealand’s loan book, currently $13 billion in the red.

Changes made by the Government to the post-graduate student allowance took effect on January 1st, with students faced with saddling thousands in extra debt.

Ministry of Education data show 5140 students are expected to be affected by the changes, with each affected student likely to have to borrow an extra $4610.89 on top of fees.

The changes will save the Government $29.2 million per year, while national student debt will increase by $23.7 million per annum as a result of the additional borrowing.

BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS BUT SHOULD AVOID PALMERSTON NORTH SOFIA ROBERTS

Palmerston North students are being advised not to give money to beggars with a “Give Wisely” poster campaign introduced around town to deter generous students.

Students are advised against donating money to beggars and are instead persuaded to give money to established charities. Prior to the campaign, there were reports of beggars intimidating the public and stealing from parking meters.

"If people don't give money, they won't be there," said city safety co-ordinator Maria Prangnell.

Massey University Students' Association president Steve Christodoulou said that although students are financially struggling, they are none the less “generous in nature.”

Police reported beggars earning up to $700 a week.

Similarly, the Wellington City Council reported last year that Wellington beggars earned up to $100 a day.

Stephanie McIntyre, director of assistance agency Downtown Community Ministry (DCM), believes that Wellingtonians are generous, with street begging alone supporting some homeless people.

“For the person who can tolerate the humiliation, there are benefits for them.’’

The Palmerston North campaign is ongoing, with police already reporting fewer beggars on streets.

The Wellington City Council last year reported ‘‘a noticeable and marked increase’’ in the number of beggars on Wellington streets, prompting questions as to whether Wellington will need to instigate a similar campaign.

Last October, the Government confirmed a three-year investment of over $104 million towards non-government housing providers in an effort to decrease homelessness. ◄ ◄ • 12 • ►►

♦ NEWS ♦

headlines that weren't

stay classy, world

Hipster rolls up pants so far they become sleeves John Key splits with Bronagh; blames 9 years of Labour’s economic mismanagement Man buys Ferrari: “It’s definitely not ‘cause I have a small dick” Middle-class Wellingtonian starts centreleft political blog “They have to know”: Man walks length of country in quest to share opinion on Gareth Morgan

Greenpeace activists made Moby Dicks of themselves last week in continued efforts to disrupt Japanese ‘research’ vessels continuing important work on the comparative deliciousness of different whale species. The activists’ lucky escape ensured the Shepherd would Sea another day.

The surprise success of Italy’s Five Star Movement in recent elections has been given no stars by other parties, as a hung parliament threatens political dysfunction in the nation. Former president Silvio Berlusconi is said to be “aroused with rage” at the outcome.

The American debt crisis has raised its head again as the American Government finds the new best way to delay their default. After the conclusion of the ‘Let Someone Else Handle It’ regime, the ‘Why Don’t We Put Our Heads In The Sand?’ plan has had limited success. Legislators are hoping the current approach of ‘Shhhhhhhhhh’ will be the silver bullet for Washington’s financial woes.

A new Indian law making school attendance compulsory for 6 to 14 year olds is expected to help rescue the 28-million children working in the subcontinent’s mines. Salient takes htis opportunity to reiterate our anti-child labour stance; although children are very cheap, they are physically weak and of poor moral fibre—it just doesn’t make long-term economic sense.

A working group has released a white paper following a green paper’s recommendation that a prior red paper’s findings be subject to a working group report. The consultation stage is well underway, with interested parties making statements affirming their self-interested positions.

LOL NEWS

CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE

HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT It is said that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and this week our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ manifested himself in a bird’s shit, landing on a windshield in rural Ohio. Ohioan Jim Lawry posted a YouTube video of his divine faecal intervention, describing the Christian crap as “a perfect portrait”. “It’s like Jesus staring right at me,” Lawry says in the clip. Matthew 6:26 implicates God as the creator of the not-sointelligent design. “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them,” the passage reads. God could not be reached for comment.

FETCH THIS, BITCH

AGE NO BARRIER TO SPEED

A Florida man was shot in the leg by his dog, bringing canines’ status as man’s best friend into serious jeopardy. The shot was fired when the dog kicked a loaded gun lying on the floor of the man’s truck; Salient suspects the man had confused the guns emptiness with that of his mind .The man was shot in leg and not seriously injured, a lucky escape attributed to the dog reportedly being a paw marksman. Despite attempts to collar the criminal, the dog was not charged as the police had no leads.

The first centenarian to complete a marathon retired from competitive racing last week after completing a 10km race in Hong Kong.

Nicknamed The ‘Turbaned Tornado’, Fauja Singh is a 101-year-old veteran of nine-marathons who began running in 2000 after the death of his son. Singh sliced 4 minutes from his time on the same race last year, a feat he credits to his mood.

“I had lots of power today, because I was very happy,” Singh told CNN. Singh is expected to lose his final race, as you can never outrun death.

◄ ◄ • 13 • ►►

left

P O L I

2013: Year of the Snake

By Carla Marx National Despite the opportunity to start the year with decisive leadership, Key failed to shed the metaphorical skin from his serpentine Cabinet. The skin in this situation being one H. Parata. Key could have benefitted from sending Parata to the back of the classroom over the school closure/Novopay fiasco, in doing so gaining back some confidence from Christchurch residents and teachers. National will be haunted by novopay and school closures throughout the year. Consistently on the back foot, they will struggle to release any positive policy that could help them in 2014.

Labour Following Cunliffe’s dishonourable discharge, Shearer is showing that he is prepared to make bold decisions, but clearly has a huge way to go to solidify himself in the minds of Kiwis as the next Prime Minister. With the first assets to be sold this year Labour will continue to ride the wave of public hatred of the mixed ownership model, but needs to be careful to keep the pressure on the Government from all angles. Positive policies are sure to keep coming, as they did last year in the form of KiwiBuild, jobs and education, ensuring Labour doesn’t become the party of "no". With polls tracking in Labour’s favour, it’s their year to lose.

Green Having gained some rather impressive traction with policies which strayed away from the classic “omg da earth” dialogue, the Greens will continue to position themselves as the true left. They have learned from the clumsy quantitative easing announcement and have appealed to New Zealanders with a very relevant housing policy. Going into 2013 we could see the Greens emerge as an ever more viable party of government.

Maori Leadership issues will continue to quietly plague the two headed taniwha at the helm of the Maori Party. The party’s stance on asset sales will find them either alienating themselves further from Maori voters or alienating themselves from the Beehive as the first assets go on the block later this year. It remains to be seen whether Hone will take inspiration from 2013’s namesake and snake his way into the top job of his former party.

NZ First Winston will sack his entire caucus and asexually reproduce to fill the seats.

United Future Dunne will debut approximately 16 more bow ties, quietly obsess over taxation and continue to hold the Government’s slim majority together.

ACT Mega. Cabbage boats. Tea cups. Christ knows what’s coming.

letters from a young contrarion The Sloppy Slope Argument Cam Price Dear Reader In the recent debate over whether the State should recognize love between two living, breathing, loving human beings equally or not (hint: it should), you may have heard Bob McCroskie and his ilk advance the typical ‘slippery slope’ argument that goes something like: “Legalising gay marriage will lead to the legalisation of polygamous marriage.”

I’m always fascinated by this efficient line of argumentation; efficient in that this lone sentence actually contains two, albeit lazy, propositions.

The first tenet of the argument is explicit: allowing same-sex love will lead to more-sex love.

But the idea that New Zealand would become New Utah in no time were this Bill to pass is tenuous at best and absurd at worst. Amending an existing Act to remove discrimination on the basis of sex is wholly different to the law changes required to recognise a third, fourth or nth spouse. It doesn’t follow logically that polygamy or incest or bestiality laws would change at all; homosexuality is a distinct argument and should be treated as such. Interestingly enough, back in 2008 Social Development Minister Ruth Dyson stated that the government was moving to

◄ ◄ • 14 • ►►

recognise triples in the family unit.

If there’s any slippery slope, it’s from polyamory to homosexuality.

The next line of reasoning is insidiously implied: if the Marriage (Amendment) Bill passes and leads to polyamorous relationships being equally ordained by the state, then this will prima facie be a bad thing.

It’s a loaded phrase, dripping with derision for and discrimination against a minority of people who choose to love more than one partner at a time.

So what if this small subset of society is able to marry?

The institution of marriage has evolved over time from being a mere formality used by a man to take property of a woman into a special legal recognition by the state of its individuals’ love for one another. Spouses are afforded certain legal rights and the ability to declare themselves wed in recognition for the good that these particularly special relationships do to society. Every time marriage is liberalised, it is strengthened as an institution: when people were able to marry those of another class, another sex, another racial background, more people were able to share their love and derive benefit from it. Homosexuality and polyamory will be the next steps in the State’s long journey to realising that any lovin’s good lovin’.

Yours, Cam

RIGHT

T I C S

The Political Year Ahead

By Freddie Hayek The government National With the ruling of the Supreme Court last week that partial privatisations of state owned enterprises do not have a detrimental effect on Treaty of Waitangi claims, the sale of shares can now begin in earnest. The partial floats look to raise a significant amount ($5-8 Billion) that the Government can use to pay down the national debt. It will also be used to fund new hospitals, schools and infrastructure. This is not an “asset sale” as the Government will be keeping a 51% stake, which gives them total control.

caption me!

ACT The ACT party continues to struggle for relevance. A supposedly classical Liberal party forged of equal parts exNational and ex-Labour members at formation is now lead by former arch-conservative National MP, John Banks. That said if the Partnership Schools policy ends up being a success, it may be the biggest long-term success of this Government’s entire period in office with the potential to revolutionise education in New Zealand.

Maori Party On their last legs, with leadership ructions in a party of three MPs. United Future Look for a great range of bowties from Peter Dunne.

The Left

Send us your best caption for this picture to editor@salient.org.nz, subject line: 'Caption Contest', by 5pm Friday 1st March for your chance to win a free coffee. See facebook.com/salientmagazine for the winner

shit politicians say

LAST WEEKS WINNER

"John's glass is 51 per cent full."

◄ ◄ • 15 • ►►

Labour David Shearer has reshuffled his front bench but it is nowhere near radical enough to take the fight to National. Deadwood MP’s who should have made dignified exits in 2011 or even 2008 cling on for dear life, probably because they would not be able to find post parliamentary employment. With the sole exception of the talented veteran Annette King, any Labour MP first elected in the 1980’s should stop hogging valuable safe seats and leave Parliament in 2014. As for David Cunliffe the man is a Harvard educated economist who better yet, can string a coherent sentence together. Giving him Revenue and Fisheries portfolios when he could be leading the Party is a criminal waste of talent.

The Greens Russel Norman will continue to encroach all throughout 2013 on David Shearer’s title as Leader of the Opposition. Because the Greens are a smaller party they tend not to have any time servers unlike Labour, every seat is precious gift to be given to a talented person. They will continue to land hits on the Government where Labour cannot.

Mana Hone Harawira will say something idiotic and offensive.

New Zealand First 2011 was a fluke. 2013 will see another MP leave their caucus.

~  CAMPUS DAY  ~

CAMPUS DIGEST Salient’s alternative census: How many times a day do you refresh the VUWSA website? a) 10 b) 50 c) 100 d) 1000 How old are you? a) Old enough to drink b) Old enough to use a fake I.D. c) Mature (student) How much do you hate your flatmates?

b) 2013’s O-Week Line-Up c) Pat Walsh stepping down as Vice-Chancellor d) Big Kumara closing down Last bar you threw up outside?

How many Facebook friends would you have if you deleted everyone you ignore? a) 50 b) 100 c) 200 d) None

It's back open for 2013! Krishna food will be giving away free lunch to first years on Wednesday from 11.30am until sell out. You can find them in the Hunter/Kirk courtyard, where they are open Mon-Thur 11.30am2.30pm selling their $5 lunches.

Favourite floor of the library?

a) I steal their pro-biotic yoghurt b) I live alone with many cats c) I vomited in their cereal bowl and rinsed it out with cold water d) We’re dating, but, uh, not for long

a) 1 b) 3 c) 5 d) 6

Hottest degree/major?

a) To stalk babes. b) To ironically use hashtags. c) To post inspirational status updates. Daily. d) What? I’m on Bebo.

a) Politics, for the Nate Silver aspect b) Maths—sneans are hot c) I’m into quiet, unassuming people, so, Law d) Architecture—just like being single!

GOING UP

a) Estab b) Bristol c) Hope Bros d) The Kelburn Pub

Why do you use Facebook?

Go to facebook.com/ salientmagazine to fill out our census

Knowing that the Uni and VUWSA just won't get along, thanks for being wise enough to organise an alternative O-Week with more than three bands.

YES! A Mini Festival kicks off this Saturday with Mt Eden and Diaz Grim (Doors 8pm) NATIONAL STUDENT DEBT StudyLink's hold music—after 30 minutes, don't call us loyal

Drink Prices around town—get your VUWSA card today

Worst news of the last year? a) The development of Facebook’s ‘Seen’ function

GOING DOWN

◄ ◄ • 16 • ►►

~  CAMPUS DAY  ~

#301 So its my second day in Welly and Ive already lost my virginity, snuck booze into my hall and wanked over my RAs facebook profile pic lol I think im gunna like it here!

AR YE T S ION FIR DIT E

Getting

#302 Confession: Moved into a flat of randoms and lets just say i'm halfway through the house ;)

amongst " the best"

#303 Through reading Salient, various stereotypes and the fact that VUWSA is currently giving out free rubbers we are led to believe that there is some level of promiscuity at Vic. But to be honest I've seen nothing to prove that rhetoric..

Overheard at the Hope Bros ‘Get Lei’d’ Party “Hope Bros is going off as always, you know that. Always has been the spot bro, yeah bro. I’m fuckin’ loving it. It’s going off.”

an apple a day

“I’m fucking loving O Week, I’m living at home! It’s all free at home!”

“I love the sausage sizzles!”

“Hope Bros is bloody going off tonight, it’s fantastic, I haven’t moved from Hope Bros, I love Hope Bros too much, it’s my favourite club!”

#2

“I met a few people, it’s great. Very successful [sexual endeavours]” “It’s a good time bro, heaps of young ladies, hot ones as well, out and about, it’s always good” “If I could summarise O Week, it would probably just be a seven day bender of maggotness”

Sexual health checks are available at the Student Health Service on the Kelburn and Pipitea campuses.

For more information read the article about sexual health checks in this issue of Salient. If you have any questions make an appointment or call us on (04) 463 5308 and ask to speak with a nurse.

Weekly health advice provided by the staff at Student Health, Student Counselling and Physiotherapy Services

“If I was you, I’d grow a beard. On O Week if you’ve got a beard you’re pulling more girls than guys without them.”

“Wellington O Week surpasses Palmy by far. Obviously I love Hope Bros, but I’d have to say, I prefer Estab and Lotus.”

“The more strip clubs the better, I went to Mermaids bro, fuckin’ mean, but like, $600 down the drain easy. I spent $600 bank bucks and definitely had a good time. Definitely made sure I got my moneys worth” “Primo crowd bro. Fuckin’ hot chicks. [Laughs] I’m from Levin actually.”

VUW cupid #482 To oli the willis st RA. You a fine piece of ass. Just saying.

Sincerely an awkward first year xx #483 Katie Dickenson with the DD tits. So beautiful. You're the best RA. #478 Is it wrong to want to bone your RA? Katie from Willis Street Halls, call me maybe?

Come see us at 63 Cambridge TCE! Open till late on Fridays & Saturdays!

OMG VUW confessions #299 Any sweet free shit being given away by anyone this o-week?

I confess Im fuckin digging the sausage sizzles and dang some vuwsa bitches be bangin!!!

◄ ◄ • 17 • ►►

Now on the VUWSA Membership Card!

 FEATURES 

Soft Focus, Hard Bodies Do Sexual Ideals Lead To Ideal Sex?

By Patrick Hunn

People like watching other people having sex—whether it’s as part of a dramatised narrative between the sheets on our favourite TV shows, or for another purpose on some shadowy, pixelated corner of the Internet. But when it comes to the real deal, what do these portrayals of sex do to the way audiences conduct themselves in the bedroom?

Sex on screen is something that seems to make people as uncomfortable as it makes them excited. Depictions of sex in television and film are given brutal, unforgiving biopsies as soon as they are released and critics are quick to find faults: there is either too much sex or there isn’t enough sex or, as viewers are likely to complain, people don’t really have sex like that: the list stretches on and on and on.

The focus of discussion, albeit a divided one, is usually about the kids. It is hypothesized that if they are allowed to enjoy such material unchecked society will spin off its axis and, powered by untamed arousal, fly into the sun. There is, after all, evidence to suggest that exposure to such material leads to uneducated, harmful behavior. For instance, a frequently dredged up fact is that pregnancy rates

◄ ◄ • 18 • ►►

among young people are higher in countries like the United States than in other industrialized nations—which is sometimes blamed on a higher saturation of media that ‘promotes’ that sort of behavior. On the other hand, conversations between parents and their children over things like AIDS, sexuality and consent are had only because a television show or a film provided the catalyst. That, however, is

 FEATURES 

a discussion that is well trodden. Less frequently asked is what watching sex on television or at a cinema does to your sex life? Does it make you better at it? Can anyone actually be ‘better’ at it? Do the slender buff people humping under soft lighting to the cinematic soundtrack of an orchestra make you feel insecure?

issues affecting their ability to engage in intimate acts, says that it is important to “understand that nothing is as simple as watching something and then emulating it.” They do say, however, that “much like pornography, watching sex on TV can… be a factor… in making intimacy very difficult to navigate mentally.

What state is sex in, in this semiliberated age? Is the grinding on television authentic? There are a few watershed moments that have been highlighted for particular ridicule or praise over the past two years or so, either for being comically raunchy or depressingly nunnish. Way back in late 2011 Steve McQueen’s Shame had Michael Fassbender bang his way through seemingly everyone in Manhattan for two hours. The popular Game of Thrones is filled with bouts of medieval corset ripping, including (but not limited to) the closest thing the world will ever get to a pornographic enactment of an M.C. Escher painting, where a man has sex with a prostitute while another man receiving a blowjob from another prostitute watches him through a hole while the brothel’s owner watches them through another hole. Girls, a show that is impossible not to read about even though it’s barely watched, features sex that is so self consciously quirky it’s impossible not to squirm. Mad Men continues to make sex in the sixties seem worryingly glamorous. The thrilling conclusion to the Twilight series taught us with its only depiction of sex that even if you get married first you’ll end up pregnant with a baby that will try to eat you from inside the womb.

“People often forget... how tightly choreographed everything is. Because the person directing the scene usually has something they want [the viewer] to take away, like that the sex was bad or good or awkward or risqué or meaningful or thematically relevant. It's always there to make a point. While it wouldn't usually be enough on its own to cause anything serious because it's a reasonably prevalent thing, people can become anxious about intimacy because we're told repeatedly that sex is either this very meaningful thing that you have to take very seriously, or if you're going to have a one night stand then it better be mind-blowingly good or you did something wrong. On film and television there isn’t usually space for sex outside of those very specific dramatic moments.”

A practicing sex therapist*, who works with couples and individuals to sort out

Also important is to remember that while it depends on the project, “there will always be a team of people devoted to making sure that what is happening on the screen looks at least a bit better that it would in real life, even if it doesn’t make sense for it to in the story.” Industry practices do, after all, span the understandable (for instance, lighting and sound) to the mildly ridiculous (painting abdominal muscles onto male actors.) What, then, is the essential difference between pornography, which is designed to arouse in the most efficient way, and a

◄ ◄ • 19 • ►►

televised sex scene? “Porn is difficult because there are many schools of thought arguing over its merits and dangers but I do see the effects of it in the people I work with. Porn provides people, especially young people, with a visual guide to what to do. Of course, in most cases it’s not the sort of guide that you’d want to follow for most intimate interactions.”

That however, seems like something that could be rectified through experience—there are some effects, however, that possibly can’t be: “It turns sex into a very performative thing, which isn’t that much fun for some people. Introduction to sex through voyeurism can mean that when a person starts to do it themselves they are still ‘watching’ the scene that they’re now a part of which can be very stressful. In a drama, sex is at least usually contextualized which places it in a real-life context where there is an emphasis on the emotional aspects of the experience. Television also doesn’t have to be sexy in a generally accepted way, although it usually is.

The differences aren’t that great.”

It seems as if there isn’t really a neat answer for this: the media both educates us and messes with us at the same time. It also seems that you can’t really learn how to fuck like a champ, and that, if anything, consuming sexual imagery might turn you into a pornographic cliché, entirely incapable of doing anything new and exciting.

So, just because your sex life doesn’t read like the pages of Cosmo, doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. *Asked not to be named due to the sensitive nature of their relationship with their clients.

 FEATURES 

Underneath it all interview with a stripper

Interview by Stella Blake-Kelly As children, Salient Co-Editor Stella Blake-Kelly and friend Lola* used to skinny-dip anywhere they could; now Lola makes a living from taking her clothes off.

After dropping out of school before gaining UE, Lola eventually started stripping, and two years later has $40,000 in the bank. She has recently enrolled in a Law degree at Victoria.

Stella has $40,000 student loan debt, and is now questioning who really made the better life decision.

Stella and Lola caught up to talk about life on the pole.

How long have you been dancing for?

What was involved in hustling?

I guess about two years now, I was eighteen when I started.

When I started I used to get really drunk at work, there was a lot of cocaine in Sydney so you’d usually have a few lines. You’d be drinking so you’d get the confidence that you needed to be flirtatious and pushy. In Sydney you’re not actually legally allowed to touch the girls.

What attracted you to the job?

Mostly the money, definitely the freedom of it. You can work one night a week, make your money and then do whatever you like for the rest of the week.

How did you get involved?

I was working for a promotion company called Sexcom [laughs], yeah there was lots of naughty stuff, sex toys, some girls did that.

Like demonstrating the toys?

Like a show, getting a dildo and dancing.

I normally did lingerie waitressing, bikini waitressing on boats, then topless waitressing. Then that led to stripping because I saw the money they were making.

How much did you earn a night?

When I started I was not good at hustling, when I started I was earning maybe $150-$300 a night working six hour shifts, and I was happy as. I then moved to a different club in Sydney and I was making a $1000-plus every night. The money is very addictive, that’s why a lot of girls don’t stop because they become dependent on it.

For a lot of girls this will be the most money they will earn in their life. Working four to five nights a week you would be making an average of around $2500 if you were good at your job. Some girls make up to $5000 weekly, although that’s more likely in Australia.

Can they touch you in New Zealand?

Yes, not between the legs but they can touch everywhere else. No mouth contact, that is definitely a bit different. In Sydney it was a bit easier to hustle. People in Wellington definitely aren’t as generous with their money, everyone has money in Sydney.

How else did Wellington differ?

When I moved back to Wellington to [a bar that we cannot name], the money was nowhere near as good but you’d still do $500-$600 nights. It was a bit of a party, there were a lot of messed up girls there.

Lots of the girls there dabbled between prostitution and dancing so there was a lot of upstairs/downstairs swapping round.

There were a lot of older girls, a lot of girls with emotional and alcohol problems.

There were also a bunch of students who were totally into it, came there, made their money, got out. There were two girls with fourth-year Law degrees.

Do you use a fake name or have a persona when you’re dancing?

Yeah, you’re really made up and feel more confident if you do. Some girls would be covered in tattoos, lots of piercings, a bit bogan. Some very pretty, or some

◄ ◄ • 20 • ►►

who dress up looking really young pigtails.

Whatever makes you the most money you tend to go with. Everyone has a fake name, and they usually change quite a lot. Most of us know each other’s real name, especially in Wellington because it’s such a small place and you become really close.

Do the club owners make you dress up?

In Australia there are a lot of clubs who are very strict, saying you need to be tanned, your hair needs to be pristine, you need to have these shoes and wear this dress. But in New Zealand it’s pretty chilled out. I mean, you want to look good dressed up and good because that’s what the man comes to the club for, to see something that he’s not seeing on the street. Even though, probably some of the girls look worse than what’s seen on the street [laughs] you don’t have to be hot to be a stripper! Just, not at all.

The age range is usually 18 to how old?

Youngest girls don’t tend to make the most money, because they’re not experienced.

Often men prefer older women. I’ve worked with 40-year-olds before, some of them look haggard and shouldn’t be in the industry, and then there are ones that just look amazing and are very professional and make a good amount of money, because it’s their career. It’s easier to make a career out of it in Australia, it’s more normal to be a stripper there.

What are the working conditions like with your employer, do you think you’re treated well?

There’s definitely a lot of mistreatment at some of the clubs in Wellington. At [one bar

 FEATURES 

in particular] they’re not very nice to the girls, but they are also the club you make the most money at so you just kind of just suck it up.

What is the bad treatment like?

You can get fined if you’re sick, one place I’d get fined like $240 if I was sick. They would make you pay an $800 bond to work there, and would take it off you for lots of reasons. Lots of girls never get it back, and you may have the whole thing taken off you for being drunk and disorderly. I personally haven't had it taken off me unfairly apart from when I walked out and quit.

What made you walk out and quit?

I found that it just wasn’t flexible for me, I have always had a day job and been studying and I just didn’t have the energy sometimes. Stripping has always been something for me to do in my spare time if I needed the extra money, it wasn’t my life.

They just weren’t flexible enough for me, you know we’re strippers—we have a bad night and we overreact!

Do you have to sign a contract?

Most of the clubs, yes.

Did you or they pay tax or is it all under the table?

I assume that they pay tax or they would get in a lot of trouble or they pay GST, most dancers I have met don’t pay their tax. I pay my tax. It’s not taken out of your pay because you are completely anonymous, they don’t take your name. If the Police come and ask for you they don’t have a copy of your name.

Why do they do that?

It’s just to protect us, we don’t want everyone to know, or like your employee to see your past working history [laughs].

What’s security like; do you feel safe with how they manage the cliental?

I have always felt very safe, they always have camera in the room. I guess there are a few unsafe factors, if you are alone with a dude. But I personally have never felt in a position to be really hurt or anything going really wrong in the club. It’s more if girls do private out-bookings, or go through customers privately. The clubs are pretty onto it.

Have you ever had any bad experiences?

I have had bad experiences with guys being really rude and horrible, guys trying to

push themselves on you and you just have to be like "back off mate". Before I started dancing I had really low self esteem about my body and dancing has given me so much confidence, and I respect and love my body!

Is there much drugs that goes on within the bars, or drug dealing?

No, but I have come across it with the odd guy or two. Heaps of girls, like anyone really, takes occasional drugs when we go out. It’s not a problem, no more than another job. It’s not like the stereotype; I just think we are a bunch of outgoing, really accepting people. You’ll find if you walk into a strip club and start working there, no matter your history, you will be accepted. You can be open about your body, can be open about so many things that you wouldn’t with other people.

Do you get many propositions for prostitution?

Yeah, about three times a night! There are some girls who do it, and that sucks for all of us. They get more money and it gives the impression that we are all like that.

It just takes one girl to do that and then the guy expects that next time, and the time after. I don’t have anything against prostitution and most strippers don’t really, its fine. But we prefer that they stick to that and we stick to our job, that’s fair.

What are the going rates at the moment?

if you don’t give that to them they move on to another girl.

What are the demographics of your customers, are some more frequent than others?

Don’t want to sound racist, but as a stripper and I speak for other strippers, some cultures in particular are horrible customers.

They’re disrespectful, they try and break the rules. I think it’s just a race thing because they see women differently, we’ve got such an equal society and those cultures don’t see women as equal, they treat us more like pieces of meat. These are usually more migrants than New Zealand-raised.

What about the age range?

It’s really funny because you see heaps of boys like 18-25 and they think they’re hot shit. They’re definitely way more hard work, especially if they’re good looking you know they just want more, they try to get us to dance with them more. We prefer old men, all of us. Don’t ever be a young guy and come into a strip club and think that all the girls are into you, we prefer the old man.

How old, like thirty?

35 plus, in a suit. We don’t care if he’s fat and ugly, they’re usually just respectful and can hold a decent conversation, plus they’ve got more money.

Have you ever had celebrities come in, or well-known people?

In a brothel I assume they get about $350, but hookers only get about $120. We do a spa hour for $500 and [the dancers] get $250. And that girl is only getting $120 and she has to have sex with him, and all we have to do is sit in a spa and drink champagne with him.

I gave a dance to Dom from The Edge once, and we get a lot of rugby and soccer guys coming in. We have a famous boxer who’s a bit of a regular, won’t say any names.

What other options are there for entertaining?

Um I mean it’s Wellington and all my friends know what I do, so if someone finds out and they don’t like me because of it I can’t be fucked with them frankly, like I wouldn’t go around yelling it, I wouldn’t advertise it on my Facebook page. I actually just saw a guy walking through Uni, he’s the biggest creep. I don’t know what he does here. He books really, really skinny, skinny. He loves skinny girls and he gets them in the spas and he just wants to stare at their vaginas, and I was like that is so weird.

Yeah like you can do out-call bookings, where guys pay you $400 an hour and you go to a party with them in town. You literally get $200 an hour and you’re just going out drinking and partying, that happens at least once a week normally.

Why do guys hire you to do that?

Lots of men are just a bit lonely, not always, but sometimes. They’ve just got the money but they just don’t want to put the effort in to go out and meet girls. There’s lots of regulars actually, you get to know some of them quite well. Sometimes, eventually they want something more and that’s when

◄ ◄ • 21 • ►►

Are you concerned about perhaps being in a lecture or a tutorial and someone recognising you?

*Not her real name FOR THE REST OF THIS INTERVIEW, HEAD TO SALIENT.ORG.NZ

 FEATURES 

THE ingredients of love Attraction As pessimistically defined by scientists and disillusioned romantics alike, we are biologically hard-wired to seek out a mate (or several) who possess the qualities required for reproduction and child-bearing, what we find "attractive".

Physically speaking this refers to any physical feature that will potentially give your potential offspring an evolutionary edge: traditionally "masculine" traits such as a strong jawline and physical fitness as indicated by muscle growth, and traditionally "feminine" traits such as bust-to-hips ratio, as well as more general features such as physical symmetry and a healthy appearance (indicating disease resistance). However, the physical doesn't count for much if your partner isn't willing to raise offspring with you. What people tend to forget is that the reproductive fitness algorithm also looks for a mate's ability to provide and be a good partner. As Homo sapiens traded short development time for larger brains long ago, our children require a great deal longer to raise to adulthood, and so an emphasis on finding behaviour traits corresponding to trustworthiness, even temper, and compassion is key to finding a partner. Thus why we are attracted to kind, trustworthy people who are willing to sweat small stuff to form a relationship, regardless of whether we want to have their babies.

GUS MITCHELL

Arousal Affection Many are familiar with the term affection, often preceded by "public display of".

While some prefer to shower their sweethearts with gifts and attention at the preset parameters of ValentinesChristmas-birthday-anniversaries, back in our grassland-dwelling pasts relationships were sealed with a gift. The male who could provide food for the group was seen as the desirable mate, and meals were often exchanged between males and females in return for protection and sexual gratification. Today, this extends to homemade dinners and boxes of chocolates between sweethearts. The basic idea stands that if you provide, you are loved, but the appeal doesn't just lie in the receiving of gifts. "The thought that counts" is the phrase that pays. The message you send by making a homemade dinner or giving a gift is that you are thinking of them, that you have taken them into account as a part of your life, and this is where true affection occurs. Too many relationships turn sour because partners fail to think about each other's needs or don't communicate in a way that expresses affection, viewing their partner as a burden and not a blessing. If we take a page from our sabertooth tigerkilling ancestors, love will be stronger for it.

◄ ◄ • 22 • ►►

To get on someone's nerves is often seen as a bad thing, yet it is often our nerve endings that lead us to our greatest pleasure. Arousal is seen as the state (or rather, the lead-up to the state) in which we are willing to engage in intercourse, most commonly following the stimulation of nerves and nerve endings.

The most densely innervated parts of our bodies are the reproductive organs—the clitoris often rightfully holds the claim of having the most nerves at 8,000, that are in turn attached to 15,000 nerve fibres, compared to the penis glands which have around half the amount. However when it comes to sexually stimulating nerves, most are common in t he breasts, knees, lips and the anus, the latter of which shares the main pelvic nerve with your genitals, so as far as your body is concerned, it's the same pleasure. While humans are the only animals other than dolphins to have sex for pleasure, the mere fact that sex is made to be pleasurable is paramount to our survival. Or to quote Cameron from House, "It's violent. It's ugly. It's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago."

 FEATURES 

Pheromones

Lust Our desire for pleasure in the broadest definition, not constricted to desire for physical intimacy. "Pleasure" can be induced in the body in various ways, mostly through chemical means. Eating is pleasurable because of the pleasant-tasting chemicals in our food. Recreational drugs like marijuana, heroin and over-the-counter cigarettes can grow addictive because of the pleasurable chemical high it produces.

Such highs are also released naturally during sexual activity. They are created by the hormones dopamine, responsible for giving the sense of "reward", and serotonin, responsible for your sense of satisfaction.

Both work together in tandem, serotonin rewarding payoff for the high and dopamine increasing your want for that high, to produce the feeling known as lust.

Jealousy However, this pleasure-reward high can also lead to an addiction, and produces crippling withdrawal-like symptoms when the need is not fulfilled. Case in point: the crippling emotional loss that follows after a break-up.

When dopamine levels are regularly high, the brain undergoes similar withdrawal symptoms to that of a cocaine addict, even exhibiting the same neurological pathway in the brain when viewed under MRI. Even more dopamine—as well as other excitatory hormones such as norepinephrine are produced than before—creates a "frustration attraction" that encourages you to reconcile with the source of your lovehigh. This explains why you tend to miss or love a person more once you've brokenup with them, or feel pangs of jealousy when we see the object of our desires with another person.

The airborne chemical secretions that ensure the way to someone's heart is through their nose. While the sense of smell in Homo sapiens isn't as keen as other mammals, it is keyed to our specific pheromones, making it a vital part of finding a mate since our evolutionary beginnings on the grasslands. Smell can tell us whether a person is genetically distinct enough from us to produce viable offspring; relatives smell foul to us to discourage inbreeding. Female’s sense of smell is strongest around ovulation, so she'll be keyed to the pheromones that attract her. Pheromones even account for sexual orientation; a Swedish study found that male scents fire up the same arousal centres in the brain of gay males as they do in straight women. This was also found to be the case for female scents, arousing the same areas for both lesbians and straight males.

Flirtation When we want to find out about someone or get information out of them, there are many methods to turn to; bribery, humiliation, blackmail. We mostly do this to our "enemies", but what if we want to get information out of someone with whom we want to make a connection? In the case of love, the old adage of catching more flies with honey rings true. Flirtation is essentially investigation into a person in an attempt to see if you are compatible.

You're trying to find what you like about them; if there's anything you have a mutual interest in on which you could build a relationship, and by talking with them and asking questions you gauge their reactions to determine whether or not it really is love at first awkward conversation.

The evolutionary benefit is that it creates a safe situation where, while failure is to be expected, any missteps can be easily forgiven and you both can mutually part with no relationships in jeopardy—a great survival mechanism for a species that prides itself on socialisation. But the greater expectation is that if you seek, then you shall find, and if it worked for our ancestors, it can certainly work for you. So on that note, do you come here often...?

◄ ◄ • 23 • ►►

◄ ◄ • 24 • ►►

◄ ◄ • 25 • ►►

 FEATURES 

porn to be wild

By Big Poppa As a 14-year-old attending a Catholic school in a small town my sexual education consisted largely of word-of-mouth fables passed down from sibling to sibling and the systematic drawing of genitalia on any surface that a sharpie could mark.

Fortunately for me I had the internet, and this wonderful thing called pornography.

Now before I start I want to be clear about something: the following article refers to consensual and adult pornography. It is in no way meant to encourage or condone any viewing of sexual behaviour which is illegal.

When accessed via legal and consensual avenues, pornography can provide a societal good. Be sure any pornography you watch falls within the bounds of consent and the law.

The explosion of pornography on today’s internet is largely thanks to its rich history.

Pornography has been around since ancient times, continuing through the Middle Ages and developing into novels (one of the most famous is the aptly named Fanny Hill).

However, when film ‘came’ about at the turn of the 19th century, so came with it all the busty beauties and Willy Wonkas you could shake a dick at. But following this, porn and its accompanying hand-friendly fun was quickly banned by people whom I can only assume were comparable to the Priest from Footloose. But in time the world grew to love porn again, and that town began to dance (thanks to Kevin Bacon). By the 1990s the cyber Gods sorted their shit out and created an accessible forum that allowed people to fully explore their sexuality.

Rule 34 of the Internet states “pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject”. The Internet is a vast wasteland of vices, deviance and preferences that resembles a sexual buffet, where it’s all-you-can-eat, all the time. Porn for straight, gay, trans*, lesbian, race-based porn, big/small breasted, ‘ebony’ (porn featuring African American participants), amateur, voyeurism, and ‘milf’ are all pretty mainstream. However, if that doesn’t satisfy your pleasure thirst, the internet can get very specific. Porn involving little people, parody porn featuring hilarious titles (such as Armaget-it-on), bondage, hentai (anime), bukkake (look it up if you don’t know but USE SAFE SEARCH FOR THE LOVE ALL THINGS HOLY) and a genre entitled 'camel toe' all exist. There is even porn based

on beloved cartoon family The Simpsons (because seeing reruns a thousand times on TV3 isn't enough).

Before I finish up I want to talk about celebrity porn; a genre which has helped highlight the porn industry in everyday media. Below is the guide to celebrity porn:

Top 4 Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson: A classic. It’s a great video if you can take the grainy footage and poor-quality–late '90s audio that sounds like someone aggressively whispering into your ear. Solid starting point.

Kim K and Ray J: Ever wondered why Kim Kardashian is famous? It’s because of this.

The 30 minute romp with RnB artist turned reality star Ray J is spliced with scenes of her ‘just hanging out’. This is probably done so you can get to know the 'real' Kim, you know, in between her engaging in sexual intercourse with a washed-up musician.

“One Night In Paris”: Heiress and The Simple Life star Paris Hilton features in her very own sex tape! Arguably the most famous of sex tapes, it is a pretty difficult one to watch. Filmed on night vision, it seems like the unofficial sequel to The Blair Witch Project with just as much unexplained heavy breathing.

Tila Tequila: Coming in a close second place in the “why is she famous?” competition, one-time model and severaltime reality star Tila Tequila features in a sex-tape which only makes us feel sorry for her. She spends the whole time asking “You love me right?” in some sort of weird attempt to achieve validation for her life efforts to date. Sadly for Tila, this video falls short.

Extra for xxxperts: Verne Troyer: I really advise against this.

It is the affable actor who played MiniMe in the Austin Powers franchise in a pornographic film. The mind boggles as to why, although my money is on publicity for his new film entitled Austin Powers: Remember Mini-Me? Yeah he’s in porn. Try sleeping now.

◄ ◄ • 26 • ►►

 FEATURES 

The Emperor’s New Clothes A right royal foray into Wellington’s Men’s Bathhouse and Sauna

By Philip McSweeney My sojourn into Emperor’s Bathhouse began, as the best stories often do, with a cock-up on my part. I fucked up the timing for an advanced screening of The Master at Lighthouse on Cuba and arrived too late. Turned away, I grumbled my way to the nearest bar for a consolatory beer; that this bar happened to be Emperor’s Bathhouse was an alignment of the planets.

I shot the shit with the owner outside and discovered it generally opens its doors as a gay bathhouse—a place where gay men can comfortably engage in casual, safe sex with others. “Tonight’s a little different though,” he said with a smile, “It’s S&M night.” Somehow, I was offered entry and a tour and quite frankly it was too good an opportunity to pass up. All those Louis Theroux documentaries would not be in vain! It was time to expand mah mo’fucking horizons.

Just afterwards, we were joined by a tall, articulate fellow with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. He soon revealed that he was, in fact, three people; or three different personalities to be precise, dependent on his mood. I gently inquired as to his hobbies. “I’m a Dom,” he said without compunction. His particular sexual kinks included spanking, bloodplay and vampirism (“But not in a Twilight way,” he stressed with a sheepish laugh).

Soon, our conversation was interrupted by someone inside—his presence was requested for a threesome. “I’ll be there in a sec,” he replied, disposed of his cig, shook my hand, and left to the untold allure of the second-storey.

Inside, Emperor’s Bathhouse is astoundingly spacious. It offers a well-lit, cavernous front room—a lobby of sorts —with seats, nibbles and a wellstocked bar where a large amount of affable people were congregated, drinks in hand. Further in, however, is where the magic happens. The lighting grows dim and moody as we approach a spa pool. In it are an assortment of naked bodies—tattooed, tanned, fair, hairy, waxed, growers, show-ers, fat, thin, old, young, middling. The only commonality between these bodies is the ease with which their owners display them. Adjacent to the spa is a locker room, and opposite is a steam-room. The owner motions to some stairs and I dutifully follow.

The rooms upstairs are where sexual congress occurs. On a typical night, only males would be allowed to venture to the upper level (though I was assured by staff that the venue is Trans* friendly; the definition of ‘male’ relies on self-identification, not anatomy). Tonight, however, is an S&M-themed night, and there are males and females present. First I am shown the porn room, at the centre of which is a large television showing professionally-shot gay porn. We walk past closed doors where shrieks of pleasure periodically emit, and open doors where people’s doings are visible. In one, someone is performing enthusiastic cunnilingus on a partner while someone watches transfixed from the doorway. The sound of lapping spills out into the hallway. In another, a Dom and a Sub are playing. The purposely dim, sensual lighting is such that every act is partially obscured, almost as though you’re watching through a fog. Finally, I am led to a room with a crucifix-like device, a cage and a set of stocks. The crucifix is in use: someone is being flogged from behind, an androgynous voice moaning softly as each stroke makes its mark. Even with the poor lighting the red marks and welts are visible; it looks as though their bottom is blushing.

I notice on my way back that the woman who just minutes ago had been receiving cunnilingus and the Sub I had spied through the door were

finished with their sessions and idly chatting in the hallway. I attempted to ingratiate myself into their conversation and gauged etiquette. What does it mean, I asked, if the doors are open? What is the protocol here? Luckily they’re both very friendly, and instead of telling me to sod off they answer my bizarre inquiries. “If the doors are open, either people don’t mind or they get a kick out of you watching,” one says. “Just don’t go into the room,” says the other, “or you’ll be told to fuck off.” Then, the Sub chortles.

“You’ve seen me naked!” she exclaims. “You’ll have to go downstairs and apologise to my Dom.” I can feel myself blushing like a bandit. “Just make sure you don’t look him in the eye or he’ll kick your ass.” Here, I utter a squeak of terror before the other one starts laughing, not cruelly: “Don’t worry. She’s fucking bullshitting you mate.”

S&M (or BDSM: Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) is an umbrella term that encompasses a pretty vast spectrum of sexual activity, from light spanking and handcuffs to branding and body-cutting. Recent depictions in films such as Secretary and especially the bestselling Fifty Shades trilogy have triggered a kind of reserved interest in the subject, but have also fed into misconceptions. S&M is widely considered potentially dangerous and pain-focused, and that practitioners of it are psychologically abnormal in some way (i.e their fetish stems from some childhood incident).

The reality is at once simpler and more complex. Research into the topic has demonstrated that 70-80 per cent of people who engage in S&M activities also willingly engage in traditional intercourse as well; it has also demonstrated that more pleasure than pain is received by the sub, and that ‘pain’ and ‘dominance’ are often inflicted symbolically. Symbolically and artificially, that is—there is not necessarily a conscious underlying power imbalance in the relationship of two proponents. And—especially interestingly—consent is built into the very framework of S&M in the form of safewords and ensuring partner’s comfort.

Where things get tricky is when you open up S&M’s place in broader societal imbalances. For example, shit gets problematic when you consider the way females and homosexuals are regulated and marginalized by societal norms. Some feminists argue that any desires to be a sub are a manifestation of internalized misogyny and homophobia, and it’s a fucking knotty point to untangle. However, it’s pretty patronizing to tell someone what they should and shouldn’t want sexually, and going back to the nature/nurture debate is always going to result in ambiguity. For many people, fetishes occur from a very young age, long before the people involved are conscious of societal strictures. In the face of these conflicting views, this reporter throws up his hands in confusion and offers two solutions: 1. Sometimes, you have to make the most of the hand you’re given and 2. What people do with their bodies and consenting partners is none of anyone’s fucking business, let alone mine. That Emperor’s Bathhouse offers a venue that accepts and celebrates fringe orientations and desires here in Wellington is, in my mind, pretty fucking cool.

I briefly talked to a jovial-looking man at the bar on my way out, whose eyes crinkled when he smiled. I asked him how long he’d been engaged in the lifestyle. “I’ve been [active in the BDSM community] for two years now,” he said with a cheeky grin; then, suddenly, his face fell and he looked down at his drink. “How long have I wanted to be? Most of my life.”

◄ ◄ • 27 • ►►

r is your butt just out of this world?  I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into the wall over there. So I am going to need your ame and number for insurance purposes  Where have you been all my life?  If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable  DO YOU HAVE A LIBRARY CARD? BECAUSE I'M CHECKING YOU OUT  HEY GIRL  I’ll give you five seconds to give me your number or you can forget about going out  FEATURES an angel! Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!  ith me forever  Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he’s missing d it hurt? when you fell from heaven  Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?  Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept e off my feet  Hey, I lost my phone number … Can I have yours?  Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me  Excuse me, I think ou have something in your eye. Nope, it’s just a sparkle  Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you  Are you from ennessee? ‘cuz your the only ten I see  Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?  Do you have a map? I just keep n getting lost in your eyes  If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?  Well, here I am. What are your other two ishes?  The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word  You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life You are so sweet you are giving me a toothache  Do you have the time... to write my number down?  Do you work for NASA? Because you’re ut of this world  Life without you would be like a broken pencil…pointless  See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m ute  Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?  Are you lost ma’am? Because heaven is a long way from here  Excuse me, I’m lost. an you give me directions to your house?  Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!  I’ll cook you nner if you cook me breakfast  You turn my software into hardware!  If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together  I hope  Ifisyou were a sex booger I would pick years you first  Hi, more did your license ou know CPR, because you take my breath away!else Everyone having more than you . The first are having sex than you. get suspended for airport nearby or ismore thatsex my than heart taking You must be in a wrong riving all these guys crazy?  Is there an Your siblings are having you . Youroff? ex is  having more sex than you, andplace with a – the Miss Universe be anofeternity a thief, here to steal your heart ontest is Cavemanning: over there  If beauty were time, more you’d varied group partners.  NoHello, need toI’m crywank too and muchI’m though , help is only a Google away. I have never had a ream come true until Suddenly and nonthe day that I met you  If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction  I’m not drunk, I’m just  Are toxicated by you verbally ramping upyou accepting applications for your fan club?  Hey baby you’re so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what’s your one of the Spice girls are you?  Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!  What’s your sign?  Where have you ame?  Which physical contact. sense of entitlement which can be really dangerous.”

Henry Cooke een all my life?  If I got a nickel for everyone I’ve met who is as beautiful as you, I’d have five centS  Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve A casual perusal of the Wellington PUA forums † (the The Claw: Like I’m glad I’m are noteternal. blind!There  I would say God but it looks like he already did  What’s a nice girl like et you only in my dreams  Damn, Some truths will always be a bless whole you“Wellington Lair”) doesn’t exactly prove her wrong.

Cavemanning, but used  Are yourwho pants or isof your just out of this world?  I was so enchanted by your ou doing in a dirty mind like mine?lot of people are from worriedouter about space the amount sex butt “This is the time to bring out the ‘I want, I take’ more as an opener. eauty that I ran into the wall over there.

So I am going needwill your name number BLAH for insurance purposes  Where have you been they are having, and theseto people always beand on the mentality,” writes one forum user, finishing with “If you you’dfor beadvice. impeccable  DO YOU HAVE Abounds.

LIBRARYI’m CARD? WHY BECAUSE I'M CHECKING YOU OUT  HEY GIRL  I’ll give ll my life?  If you were a chicken, lookout Our insecurity knows no DHV: Demonstration of have to be logical, make it your inner caveman logical ou five seconds to give me your number or you can forget about going out with me forever  Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he’s sure the first fully formed cavemen sentence roughly High Value, a type of progression: ‘Woman.

Want.

Take.

Now.’”Did More it hurt? when youHot. fell from heaven the sun come issing an angel!  Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!  Did translated to “she non-verbally implies just friend.” tactic which shows how specifically, Skews has a problem with their tactics.

“ACan I have ut or did you just smile at me?  Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet  Hey, I lost my phone number … ‘alpha’ you are. community that promotes the idea that women can be you were looking for me  Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye.

Nope, it’s just a sparkle ours?  Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said That was then of course, and this is now, so we go to ‘worked’ a certain way the in order to ten put out is  incredibly  Are up you from Tennessee? ‘cuz your only I see Do you believe in Hi, the voices in my Values’. head told me the to internet. come over and talk to you An entire industry has sprung solely EV: ‘Eliciting obviously attracts men you who had [...] view  Do you a map? just keep on misogynistic, getting lostand in your eyes  If I said a great body, ove at first sight or do I need to walk by again? committed to teaching guyshave seduction, or,I ‘Pick-up women and sex as a game to be won.” here I am.

What are your other two wishes?  The word of the day is legs.

Let’s go back to my place ould youFull hold it against Close: Banging.me?  Well, Artistry’. This ‘PUA’ community is vast, as in, active nd spread the word  You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life  You are so sweet you are giving me a toothache  Do you have chapter in Wellington vast, so a member has probably Derek member of the Wellington Lair be forum, HB:write Short for Babe’. down?  Do you work for NASA? Because you’re out of thisAdams, worlda  Life without you would like a broken he time... to my‘Hot number already hit on you. They discuss and distribute Used witha See number see me PUA a game.

“PUA thingswe youmet canbefore?  my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cutedoesn’t  Screw if as I am wrong, butgives haven’t encil…pointless seduction literature and tips, mostly online, full of their fromma’am? one to ten to refer heaven is a long way from here  Excuse me, I’m lost. Can do, you but when try these things we don't do this give PUAs me directions to your house?  Did you have re you lost Because own codes and assumptions. We’re talking a strategy to targets indicate Because as a lifeless robot.”

Asked whether turning a female if you cook me breakfast  You turn my software ucky charms for and breakfast? you look magically delicious!  I’ll cook you dinner guide to human interaction here; a Lonely Planet to the physical attractiveness. sexualCPR, “target” was dehumanising, naturally youaknow because you take myhe breath away!  If you to hardware!  If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together  I hope into small of her back; the How to Talk to Women with the Usage:I “I’ll take the HB7 disagreed, since “...evolution hasIsalready humansnearby or all these guys crazy?  there made an airport ere a booger would pick you first  Hi, did your license get suspended for driving Purpose Them forMiss Dummies. take taking the HB4”.off?  YouSole into sexual lustingisIfvery naturalwere for both must be in of a Sleeping wrong With place – the Universe contest is objects, over there beauty time, you’d be an that my you heart comewhether true until theitday that  If looks could ternity  Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart  I have never had a dream genders you like or not, justI met like you objectifying Many of these routines are just categorising the kind Kino: Short for by you  Are yousniffing accepting applications for your fan ll you would be a weapon of mass destruction  I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated a plate of roast lamb, it and tasting it and biting kinasthetics. Refers to of things that lots of us do on impulse, like starting Which one of the Spice girls are you?  more Excuse me, but I lub?  Hey baby you’re so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what’s your name? it, because of its value.”

He reframed one of the physical contact that a conversation with a compliment, while others are life?  Iftactics, I got anegging, nickel as for everyone I’ve met hink I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!  What’s your sign?  Where have you been all my controversial teasing, and argued thatwho is as establishes intimacy, more complex. Entire scripts of “charming” banter are inwas my the dreams  Damn, I’m physical glad I’mfemale not blind!  I would eautiful as you, I’d have five centS  Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only PUA equivalent of more tactics. like holding hands written out, with assumed responses from the ‘target’, in a dirty mind like mine?  Are your pants from outer ay God bless you but it looks like he already did  What’s a nice girl like you doing “Objecting to this kind of behaviour would be like me or grinding. Usage: whoworld? will supposedly more comfortable with that I ran into the wall over there. So I am going to need  I wasfeel so much enchanted by your beauty pace or is your butt just out of this objecting to women wearing make up or putting on a sexy “Escalate that kino!” you after you say things like “I LOVE girls with great our name and number for insurance purposes  Where have you been all my life?  If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable  DO YOU HAVE and acting bubbly, fun, playful and sexual.” smelling hair”and smellyou theirfive hair.seconds dress HEYthen GIRLliterally  I’ll give to give me your number or you can forget about going LIBRARY CARD? BECAUSE I'M CHECKING YOU OUT Negging: A backhanded  Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he’s missing an angel!  Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as ut with me forever Skews sees this argument—focusing on women’s compliment intended PUA is much more than just scripts to drop into it a hurt? you fell from heaven  Did the sun come out or did youappearance, just smile and at me?  Baby, you must be a broom, harged! toDid make target when feel assuming this appearance is in the cause you conversations though—it’s an entire approach; a secret Hey, I lost my phone number … Can I have yours?  Hi, I’m Mr. Right.

Someone said you were looking for me  Excuse ust sweptworse me off myherself, feet  about and service of males—as representative of the basic sexist club with a whole litany of ideological instruction (and my head told me tocommunity come over and talk to you  Are you e, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it’s just a sparkle  Hi, the voices in assumptions therefore more open to the PUA makes.

“It furthers acronyms!) to get you ‘target’.

This  Do you believe inyour love at first sight or I need to walk by again?  Do you have a map? I just rom Tennessee? your the only ten I see guaranteed validation‘cuz via seduction. thedo idea this community sees women as prizes and men always males as body, the dominant If I said youtreats had a great wouldparty, you hold it against me?  Well, here I am. What are your other two eep on getting lost in your eyes advice as natural predators, [...] basically no-one is attracted to whose calculated actions areplace needed for spread a ‘full close’ Set:word A groupof of people, the day is legs.

Let’s go back to my and the to word  You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life ishes?  The the concept of someone feeling entitled to them.” occur.

Males should ‘lead’ ‘target’, using tactics such my number down?  Do you work for NASA? Because you’re because “calling themgiving ‘a  Do youa have the time... to write You are so sweet you are me a toothache of people’” as ‘isolation’, and ‘cavemanning’, in order to  Lifewould without you would be‘negging’ like a broken pencil…pointless  SeeSome my friend over there? He wants if you think I’m ut of thisgroup world truths are eternal—people don’t to likeknow other people just me be boring, a high of ‘kino’.  Are you lost ma’am? Because if I amright? wrong, but reach haven’t we level met before? heaven long way most fromaren’t. here Cavemen  Excuse me, I’m lost. ute  Screw feeling entitledistoa them—but look magically delicious!  of I’ll cook you an you give me directions to your house?  Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? mayBecause have hadyou rather formulaic and sexist methods SMP: The ‘Sexual Obviously, thissoftware doesn't sit well everyone.Former turn my intowith hardware!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together  I hope nner if you cook me breakfast  You seduction, but they were cavemen.

Human interaction: Marketplace’. Used so head of Wellington Young Feminists' If you were aCollective booger and I would pick you first  Hi, did your license get suspended for ou know CPR, because you take my breath away!  spontaneous, unplanned, and agenda-less, is more than PUAs can apply economic self-described ‘feminist killjoy’ Skews explains an airport nearby orNicole is that my heart taking off?  You must be in a wrong place – the Miss Universe riving all these guys crazy?  Is there just a developed skill or a means to an end. It’s—sorry, principles to the totality that she finds nothing wrong with people going ontest is over there  If beauty were time, you’d be an eternity  Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart  I have never had a unavoidable cliche—part of what makes us human. of human interaction. outI explicitly sexual could partners, butyou findswould the find If looks kill be a weapon of mass destruction  I’m not drunk, I’m just ream come true until the day that met youto Turning it into a game with rules, agendas and formulas community problematic. [their] best, I think Pick applications for“At your fan club?  The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread toxicated by you  Are you accepting is turning relaxation into an exam. Sex isn’t fun enough Upyou Artists up problematic stereotypes about addprop meaning to my life  You are so sweet you are giving me a toothache  Do you have the time... to he word  You’re like a dictionary, to replace that. Nothing is. work and forplay NASA? Becauseinsecurities you’re out this world  Life without you would be like a broken pencil… rite my number down?  Do you women on women’s for of personal to know if you think I’m cute aScrew me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?  Are you ointless  See my friend over there? † wellingtonlair.com gain.He Atwants [their] worst, I think the ‘Artists’ cultivate ost ma’am? Because heaven is a long way from here  Excuse me, I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your house?  Did you have lucky harms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!  I’ll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast  You turn my software into ardware!  If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together  I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!  If you were booger I would pick you first  Hi, did your license get suspended ◄ ◄for • 28driving • ►► all these guys crazy?  Is there an airport nearby or is that y heart taking off?  You must be in a wrong place – the Miss Universe contest is over there  If beauty were time, you’d be an eternity  ello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart  I have never had a dream come true until the day that I met you  If looks could kill you ould be a weapon of mass destruction  I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you  Are you accepting applications for your fan club? 

pickup artistry

SLANG BOX

 FEATURES 

Sex is Great (or so I'm told)

INDI HOWSE The other week I was watching a period drama. For the avoidance of confusion, I am referring to a television show set historically, rather than a live swimming pool scene later to end up in Girlfriend magazine’s ‘How Embarrassment’ pages. It made me realise that I would definitely be better off romantically if I had lived ages ago. Admittedly, I have suspected this for a while – a friend once told me that I had a nose “straight out of Pride and Prejudice." I will leave you to mull that one over.

Upon reflection, it is the simplicity of historical arrangements for which I long.

Historically (in the West – chill out, I have to narrow it, I only have a page) 'success in love' has meant long-term monogamy marked by relatively early marriage. I must acknowledge the reality that women were essentially property in these arrangements, which flies in the face of every Beyonce GIF I’ve ever seen, but doesn’t the simplicity appeal? To a bemused twenty-year old female with a character nose, my exposure thus far has led me to see ‘success’ as some kind of exclusive relationship with someone that doesn’t consider me a complete tool and isn’t after the $500 I will most likely receive upon my parents’ demise. Marriage doesn’t really enter into it. Assigning to a relationship the term 'success' is not ideal, as it leaves the switch pointed toward ‘failure’ while I accidentally-on-purpose touch people’s upper arms in the kitchen at parties. Relax – I’m not about to argue that 'success in love' is all-encompassing. I assure you that I enjoy singledom. Do not misunderstand me.

In 2013, the pressure to marry for traditional 'success' has long since waned.

Now, we’re largely unrestricted as the makers of our own romantic maps (or some other, better, metaphor). While "it’s your choice"

as a standpoint is fantastic, we are overtly encouraged to either nonchalantly couple up, copulate and brunch the next day or get our rocks off through casual encounters.

Either way, now that dowry-incentivised commitment is no longer fashionable, we should be having sex, and rully rully enjoying it. The implications of this for me are that by doing nothing, I am doing something wrong.

Somewhat ludicrously, I still would rather only engage in that stuff with someone I’m fairly serious about.

In writing this, I keep having a knee-jerk reaction of wanting to articulate that you having casual sex is fine, I just don’t want to. Some of the pressure I feel like I’m under surely arises from incredibly valuable sex-positive discussion (read: don’t bother with hate letters, of course the presence of this discussion is better than its absence, my position is the same as yours, I just orgasm less). That said, I can’t be the only one who finds all this talk at times ostracising. Simplicity! Please! Elizabeth Bennet never had to cancel her rice pudding when Charlotte Lucas started talking about Collins.

Despite the fact that I would be relegated to being a chattel, the simplicity of yore would throw me a bone as someone that is neither asexual (despite believing as much for longer than I would care to admit), nor has regular sex. The advice on offer is staggeringly paradoxical. The example of virginity sees this advice at its most conflicting. “Get it over with.” “Don’t throw it away.” “It’s awesome.” “It’s not a big deal.” “If you start young, you get good.” “Don’t lose it to someone that is also a virgin.” “Find someone you really like.”

“It’s still fine, even if you aren’t interested in them.” “Go for it – fuck them.” “Just realise that it’s a bit shit and move on.”

“My first time was bad – that happened.”

“Mine was good – this happened.” The credit for this informal sex education goes

to my conventionally 'functional' friends and (frighteningly) parents and (even more frighteningly) younger brother who lost his virginity before me, to a beautiful girl who I felt deserved a condolence card. I have filtered their advice down to “anything really goes”, but it freaks me out regardless, so I stayed in last Saturday and watched the period drama that led to this largely incoherent diatribe.

The simplicity I’ve been glorifying here is not going to happen for me. I will continue to expose myself to all of these viewpoints, because they’re interesting. It’s not really a big deal. I am not opposed to sex. I don’t see people’s ventures that are different to my own as being better or worse.

Despite this 'chill' attitude, I did not write 'YOLO' on my census form (irrelevant, but worth stating.) It’s not that bizarre of me to only want to sleep with people who I like more than just incidentally. Maybe it is just my ‘Pride and Prejudice’ nose that makes me feel as though I’d have done alright back then.

This obvious confusion has a lighter side. An inevitable Girls reference saw my first-year self experiencing something akin to Shoshanna, with a guy and a ‘bold’ declaration and a clear slide into disinterest. I subsequently—wait for it — couldn’t decide whether the disinterest was due to my hymen or the Bridget Jones underwear that I was wearing. That is something you can write me a letter about.

It’s not that bizarre of me to only want to sleep with people who I like more than just incidentally.

◄ ◄ • 29 • ►►

know your

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

With the passing of former ACT MP Heather Roy’s Voluntary Student Membership Bill into law, many students’ associations are now contracted or given grants by universities to run events and services on behalf of all students. The extent to which such contracts or grants are prescriptive varies. The University has a choice about whether it backs VUWSA to put on an awesome O-Week, or whether it wants to micromanage its students’ fun. I know which choice students prefer.

THE MCCOURT REPORT

By Rory McCourt

Orientation is the time of many people’s lives. It’s about building a community, about having an awesome time, and about meeting new people. Having a great Orientation that can achieve these is crucial to attracting and retaining talented students here at Vic. In the last week VUWSA has signed up over 4000 members and given them free membership cards, and our team of volunteers and exec has put in almost one thousand combined hours. We’ve tried our best to make O-Week the time of your life. But all that hard work isn’t enough to provide the O-Week you want and deserve without the University sorting out how our campus can attract bigger and better events so everyone gets a chance to attend.

We want to put on the Orientation you deserve, but we can’t do that when the University signs the Orientation agreement too late in the year for us to secure international acts. For this year’s Orientation we were speaking to the promoters of Macklemore about coming to Vic, but the University’s inflexible process means our hands were tied and we missed out. I am disappointed by that, as I’m sure many of you are.

You’ve told us consistently that you want bigger and better events. You want gigs, and you want the kind of O-Week your mates at Otago get. It just so happens that those things lead to a more engaged, successful student body. My team and I have committed to working towards a vibrant campus with fantastic events all year, and in the next fortnight we will put a proposal to the University that greatly works towards this.

Finally, we will have an international act this year. That’s my promise to you. Suggestions, anyone?

Relationships can be complicated. Between people and between organisations. VUWSA’s been in this relationship with the University for 114 years. As you’d expect, we’ve had our ups and downs, and we know these Orientation issues can be sorted out with good processes. I’m excited about getting an awesome set of events for 2013 and the best Orientation in 2014 we’ve ever had. Let’s give our students the Orientation they truly deserve in partnership, not prescription.

VUWSA has made it clear that the Orientation events process the University follows is broken.

Students expect great gigs and great events and they expect VUWSA to do its best in making that happen. We can’t do that when the University is prescribing for us which events we will run, how much funding they will receive, or how many tickets we will sell. For instance, VUWSA was required by the University to issue 300 Toga Party tickets above the capacity of The Hunter Lounge for last Thursday’s event, despite our strong and repeated objections. They ignored us. This was risky, and could easily have gone wrong. We are lucky that it was a success through working together.

PMS for the W 368 U

◄ ◄ • 30 • ►►

PMS 3256 U

PMS Process black U

NGAI TAUIRA Kia ora koutou

Vice President (Engagement) What up! You’re back to the grindstone of knowledge expansion, problem solving, critical thinking late nights, early mornings, energy drinks, allnighters, deadlines, naps in lectures, boring assignments and you’re all like “there’s gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high…to satisfy me.” WELL. This year your students’ association is going to be an avenue for alternatives.

We’re starting with the green piece of plastic you’re flashing around the town. Your new VUWSA membership card offers you heaps of awesome discounts at different places. If its goodness overwhelms you and you’re not sure where to start, here’s my top five: 1. Cheap drinks at Bristol. It’s a good people-watching spot whether you’re sunbathing with a cider or reeling at 3am. For me, this makes number one as the way to fuel VUWSA-induced inebriation.

2. Vic Books for discounted coffees. Your morning hit. An excuse to buy the pies which are up there with the best I’ve ever eaten. Also, they must have some unspoken employment rule because everyone in the café is a babe.

3. Fergs Rock and Kayak. I want to try paddle boarding! And kayaking.

Hahaha but fuck the roller blades. They were never cool.

4. Zealandia. My flatmate and I have been meaning to go check out the native flora and fauna here for ages. I’m serious! Big on this one.

5. Establishment. $5 SPIRITS ALL DAY ERRRRRY DAY

Ngāi Tauira is the Māori students’ association. Ngāi Tauira represents the interests of tauira Māori and provides a voice whereby all tauira can feel comfortable and culturally safe while studying at Victoria. Ngāi Tauira provides a number of services to tauira from advocacy and support, providing scholarships and funding, and representation on academic boards and councils.

During orientation week, Ngāi Tauira will be handing out free merchandise including hacky sacks, lip balms, pens, stress balls and printed Ngāi Tauira apparel. We will also be encouraging new tauira to sign up to Ngāi Tauira. Tauira who sign up before the third week of Trimester 1 will go into the draw to win a new Apple iPad (date of draw TBC). We also encourage all tauira to stop by our stall during clubs week. To kick start the year, Ngāi Tauira will be organising a Pō Whakangahau during clubs week (date TBC).

If you have any queries, feel free to drop into our current office located on level 3 of the Student Union Building. Keep an eye on our Facebook page for changes happening in the next month. We will be moving our offices to Kelburn Parade.

Alternatively, you can find more information on our web page www.ngaitauira.org.nz.

Get amongst, there’s more to come! We’re launching our membership card officially at our IGM later in March too.

PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL

WARM PASIFIKA GREETINGS! Hope you’re having a fantabulous First Week of 2013.

We will be at the Hub for Clubs’ Week. Please stop by and meet our FRIENDLY team and members, have a chat, sign up and if you’ve never tasted kava before, this is your opportunity!

We are starting off this Trimester with our weekly Loto Aho Study Session, starting next Wednesday 13th March from 4.00pm-6.00pm at the Pasifika Haos, 15 Mount Street, Kelburn by the dairy at Salamanca Road.

Kelburn is swarming and I’ve been enjoying chatting to first years about the experience they’re looking for at uni. From the amount of you who stressed a desire for gigs, live music and concerts it’s so obvious that O-Week just doesn’t front up with a line-up you deserve.

What do I think about this? That things can only get better. For the rest of the year the Engagement team at VUWSA will endeavour to bring you interesting, fun, appealing and off-the-chain events. Watch this space, and keep your eyes on our Facebook page, website and notice boards.

Add us on Facebook and look out for more exciting events.

You’re welcome to come in and enjoy a cuppa with us anytime at Pasifika Haos.

That’s all from me for now! I’m stoked to be your Engagement VP and excited about this year. I hope to meet you and hear what you have to say soon.

Your Executive team: President: Kevin Fagalilo Vice President: Te Kura Moeka’a Secretary: Ane Kisina Treasurer: Lupe Tupou Academic Officer: Voni Taumanu Public Relations Officer: Fabiefara Masoe

Mica

◄ ◄ • 31 • ►►

 ~ COLUMNS ~

bent

By Matthew Ellison

Hey there queers and allies!

This is 2013’s first installment of a fortnightly column written by members of the queer community here at Vic. UniQ Victoria, which runs this column, is the representative group for queer students at the University, and we work hard to ensure that you have all the support and facilities you need. In the future you can expect this space to contain discussion on queer issues at university, like safe spaces and updates for UniQ, and in the wider world, such as language, sexuality and identity, and queer rights.

Every Wednesday at lunch, from midday onwards, we can be found on the ground floor of the hub, and anyone is welcome to tag along to hang out, socialise, eat their lunch, and become a part of the queer community. There’s no structure to these meetings—they’re just a casual space where anyone can join in the conversation.

A strong focus of UniQ is strengthening a queer-straight alliance, so straight people are encouraged to join as well!

If you’d like to meet us in person, but can’t make it to the lunch space, we’ll have a stall at Clubs Week (this week) which runs in the middle of the day on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Our talented and beautiful executive members and helpers will be there to answer your questions, and help you get in touch.

UniQ also runs badass parties, and this week we’ve got the ‘Seven Deadly Sins’ party at Club Ivy on Friday evening from 8.

Come dressed as your favourite sin! Entry is $5, and there are two-for-one house drinks between 8 and 10.

We’ll be having our IGM in week three, and if you’re interested in having your say in how the group is run you’re encouraged to come

along. This meeting is also where the 2013 executive will be elected, so please join if you’re thinking of running, or to support friends who are planning on running.

Details will be advertised closer to the time, but there will be food.

UniQ runs a queer mentoring service, which provides safe, anonymous access to an experienced buddy. We’re flexible, and whether you want to meet in person, or just chat via email, we’ll do whatever we can.

Contact: queer.mentoring@gmail.com If you have any questions, comments, or feedback, please feel free to email uniqvictoria@gmail.com, visit us on Facebook at facebook.com/uniq.victoria.9, or at our website: uniqvictoria.co.nz. Tell us what you’d like to see here - we’d love to hear from you!

secret diary of officious First Year Hello reader. My name is Officious, and I am starting at Victoria this year. Here’s a bit about me, School didn’t agree with me. It’s not like I’m dumb or anything, I guess I just didn’t fit the mould. I’ve just got too much academic flair–my intelligence surpasses anything that can be measured on any kind of conformist schooling system. Anyway, I outfoxed NCEA and got Excellence, which secured me a spot in Weir House. I’m studying Law and Arts, majoring in Politics and Philosophy, which is a really good choice of subjects because it combines similar but distinctive subjects in a really unique way.

Now I’m writing a new chapter of my life; turning over a new leaf. I thought I’d mix up my fashion sense a bit. I shop on ASOS a lot and I own lots of different coloured pants from Hallensteins. Brown and burgundy are my favourite, and hardly anyone seems to be wearing them. I’ve also bought myself some nice shirts which I can wear to town, because I hear some of the places like Hope Brothers are really fussy about who they let in and stuff.

I did my first trip to town the other day, actually! The music’s really super. Unfortunately the bathroom was a bit grotty, but there was a real babe who was dancing on a speaker. I really liked her shoes–black Converse shoes are just so in these days.

I thought I’d get a bit more involved in extracurricular stuff. I hear that first-year Politics classes are really lacking in diversity of opinion, which is why I’m going to get involved in student politics. According to the Political Compass (which you should all check out online) I am in the bottom left-hand corner, which basically means I’m very liberal and a bit quirky. I hope to provoke lots of fun discussion in my POLS classes! As for a political party, I sit on the fence between Labour and the Greens. Labour’s great because it’s all about hope, compassion and fairness, which makes me a bit moist. I really value minor parties because I think someone needs to stand up for the minorities, especially students like me with unique opinions on student issues, like asset sales and gay marriage.

I hope Law isn’t too much hard work. The lecturer seems really nice, and apparently he’s a good singer too. He even wrote the textbook which is super-cool—I bought two copies so I can get one autographed and have another for everyday use. Law’s really competitive, apparently—did you know that about 900 start off and only 300 get in? That means most of my friends probably won’t get in.

Oh well.

Have a nice week, and follow me on Twitter! @GMo4Lyf Officious First Year

◄ ◄ • 32 • ►►

 ~ COLUMNS ~

e f i L r u o Y g n i x Fi

[BECAUSE OURS ARE WRITTEN OFF]

*indignant sigh*, Who is even writing advice in Salient this year? Do you answer real questions? Are you going to forsake this letter in favour of one that you’ve written that perfectly sets up your answers so you can seamlessly introduce yourselves? Also, how am I supposed to maintain my hard-living, high-rolling summer self?

Taylor

Janet Taylor, Of course we aren’t going to forsake your letter for a stock one. But, since you asked, I will introduce myself. My name is Janet. I wouldn’t say I personify traditional ‘advisory’ traits that you might have seen elsewhere and probably think would be helpful. I’m currently using my palm as a spoon for mouthfuls of muesli (dw, no milk.) I have refused four marriage proposals on grounds that the spiel began with Rocky Horror’s “Dammit, Janet! I love you.” I think the Hobbit only really needed to be one film.

As you can see, I am a little overqualified to advise you, and as such I’d listen to Hector.

Your ‘hard-living, high-rolling summer self’ sounds awesome. I think I saw him in a Coke ad with his hand in a girl’s jeans’ back pocket? It’s possible to keep partying hard during the trimester. Remember, however,

that you can only ever have two out of three when it comes to sufficient sleep, a social life and good grades. You can never have three. If you think you have three, it’s because you’re asleep and dreaming about having the other two.

As for ‘high rolling’, well, chances are you paid less rent and worked more over summer, so this one is more difficult.

Basically, cheaper fun means taking lunch to uni rather than buying it. It means exercising before partying so that you get drunk quicker. Be wary of getting a girlfriend unless you are sure that the “staying in bed, snuggling, actively not spending money” aspect outweighs that of “dinner and drinks and drinks for her inevitably ditzy friends”.

Realism: it’s a real ‘ism’.

Best, Janet M. de Silva

Hector Taylor, We are writing advice, and yes we are taking real questions, so long as people want real answers. Aside from that, though, my name is Hector (the Helpful) and I'd love to advise you on just about anything, really. I'm more than qualified, and while I once asked Janet if Biggie Smalls and Notorious B.I.G. were the same guy or not, that was a long time ago and can we please move on okay?* It might say something about gender politics that I assumed you were female,

and Janet assumed you were male. Then again, maybe it just says something about the fact that I've had 'I Knew You Were Trouble' on repeat for the past week. Moving on.

The beginning of the year is always the time when you have the most drive to keep up with your work, everybody knows that. If you want to keep your party hat on all year, then you should take advantage of that fact by doing all your readings for the semester tonight. That way, you'll have plenty of time for hard living for the next six months.

If you're unwilling to do that much work, or wary of the side-effects of the chemical stimulants you'll inevitably need, there are other options. It's all about getting the right systems in place! I can heartily recommend becoming very close friends with someone who is going to do the coursework on time, to the point that they will help you through anything you need to do, or better yet do it for you. If that doesn't work, just get to know their password and steal all their notes come exam time.

If you're morally against such things, sigh and resign yourself to the fact that while summer took you to places you've never been, now you're lying on the cold hard ground of academia for a little longer yet.

Love, Hector

*They are.

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and Janet and Hector are our resident advice columnists for 2013.

confidentially with a professional, rather than Hector and Janet, Student

If you've got a problem you'd like them to solve, send your

Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your

queries through to editor@salient.org.nz, subject: 'ADVICE'.

life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email counsellingservice@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

◄ ◄ • 33 • ►►

 ~ COLUMNS ~

mad science

Weekly Rant

Scents and Sensibility

FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME SAM PATCHETT Before I came to Victoria University I was ready to become part of an environment in which sport would flourish. I probably could not have been more wrong. The realm of all things sports is being continually dominated by practically all other facets of student life in Wellington. Throughout the corridors of campus, I am saturated by posters about upcoming gigs and aspiring politicians, confronted by lobbyists for all sorts of human rights campaigns, and exposed to the latest projects put on display by the theatre department; yet I can solemnly say I cannot recall a single instance where anything relating to sport has grabbed my attention—I don't even think a simple conversation about sport has been grasped by my ears.

Caitlin Craigie It’s the typical Wellington love story. You meet a boy/girl/trans* individual. Despite 238 mutual Facebook friends, a passionate discussion regarding the deeper subtext of My Little Pony, and a shared love for artists that use the dollar sign instead of the letter S, your romantic future with this person will stink. I don’t want to be nosy about your personal experiences, but Science nose that one of your five senses matters perhaps more than you might think when it comes to love/sex/romance (or lack thereof). It’s not touch, sight, taste or hearing; it’s your sense of smell.

University of Lausanne biologist Claus Wedekind conducted an experiment whereby he gave male subjects new T-shirts and odourneutral cosmetics, which they wore for two straight nights. Without the stupefying Lynx effect, 49 women got shirty and picked their preferences based solely on the but Science scent of the removed T-shirts. The study found the women preferred the nose that one of smell of shirts worn by men who were your five senses immunologically-dissimilar to them.

This difference lay in a sequence of matters perhaps more than 100 genes known as the major histocompatibility complex (or more than you MHC to its friends). Finally, proof might think when that opposites do attract! Men are it comes to love/ sensitive to smell too, but apparently not as much as women.

sex/romance (or lack thereof)

University of Chicago geneticist Carole Ober found that couples with a high degree of MHC similarity suffered higher rates of miscarriages and had a harder time conceiving, with scientists speculating that this may be the body’s way of curtailing investment in children destined to be immunologically weak. Ouch.

Smell a rat? University of New Mexico psychologist Christine GarverApgar found a direct correlation between the number of MHC genes shared and the rate of cheating in couples. Science also has one final, slightly ironic piece of advice – if you want some loving, you’d be better off steering clear of the pill. Wedekind’s study had one key exception: those on the pill flipped in preferences and were more attracted to those who were immunologically similar to them.

It was then given the ghastly nickname the “divorce pill” in some sensationalist media outlets.

What's even more staggering is that this seems to be the way a large proportion of students at Victoria University like it; for example last year Jackson Freeman's rather passionate VUWSA president campaign promised to put more money and attention towards clubs and sports at the university. It came across as an energetic attempt to reinvigorate a long lost necessity within the University, yet the seemingly more political-minded Rory McCourt, who did not put any significant stress on the presence of sport, was ultimately preferred by the student body.

It really is a far cry from the high school days where sporting captains were treated with utmost respect, or the sports-crazy culture of American colleges, where entire stadiums are decked out with students wearing their college colours. In Wellington, students would be doing well to recite the nickname of the University rugby club or to state which league their football team plays in.

Being a hardened sports enthusiast like myself has almost made me feel out of place throughout my tertiary years; I have somehow become part of the minority. Traditional Kiwi pastimes such as watching the footy have been replaced by hanging out at coffee shops, radically changing your fashion sense, or getting explicitly involved in current political affairs.

Even the most stubborn of traditional rugby jocks are beginning to wear the baggiest of shirts and sport the alt-iest of haircuts.

I have come to accept this is simply the Wellington way.

Mind you, sport has never been overly popular in the Capital; the Phoenix nor the Hurricanes have sold out the cake tin in years—hell, the All Blacks can hardly fill the stadium— and who knows when the last time a Wellington team won a national championship was. In fact, the only sporting event that attracts any real excitement is the Sevens, and to say that people go there to actually watch the rugby is both naïve and inaccurate.

I can guarantee there are more students out there who wholeheartedly miss regular contact with sport and would desire a bigger intake of it throughout their days at university. It may be a long time before sport really flourishes in Wellington, but that does not mean it should not be elapsed throughout different circles of the capital city.

So there you have it - romantic endeavours are the one situation where commonscents is not a good thing. ◄ ◄ • 34 • ►►

'Weekly Rant' is a space for one-off opinion pieces.

Want to write your own? Contact editor@salient.org.nz to let loose.

 ~ COLUMNS ~

The Nurse's Note Summer Lovin’, had you a blast…and now think you may need a Sexual Health check-up?

You can get one right here at Student Health Service, your onestop-shop for all things sexual health. We offer all students either free* or low cost sexual health consultations at both Kelburn and Pipitea campuses.

Why have a sexual health check?

Often sexually transmitted infections (STIs) don’t have any symptoms and a sexual health check is the only way to know if you’ve got one. If you do have symptoms, they’re not fun.

Symptoms or no symptoms, STIs can have serious long-term consequences. The good news is that once detected, most STIs are usually easily treated.

Check up on it

days, and we do them all the time. If the prospect of a checkup is a bit daunting you’re welcome to bring a friend or ask for a chaperone. We start with a general chat to work out what tests we’d recommend.

For women, a sexual health check has recently gotten a whole lot easier… ’bout time! In the past, genital swabs always needed to be taken by the clinician. Now, with advanced technology, the swabs can be taken by the patient so long as there are no symptoms of concern.

If the DIY version doesn’t appeal, our nurses are happy to take the swabs. For men, it can be as easy as to pee into a pottle (though we do ask that you’ve held on for at least an hour prior if that’s not too much to ask).

When to have a sexual health check Anytime! If you have any unusual symptoms (such as lumps, bumps and rashes, funny discharge, burning sensation when you pee) then get checked. After any new sexual contact or after ending a sexual relationship is also an opportune time. As some STIs can have an incubation period, unless you have any unusual symptoms, it’s best to wait three weeks before coming in.

We welcome questions and none is a silly one. If you have any doubts, queries, worries or are just plain curious about sexual or reproductive health—or any aspect of wellbeing—come see us.

Alternately visit your usual GP, any Family Planning Clinic, or the Sexual Health Service in Cuba St, which provides free sexual health checks to everyone, including international students. Call 0800 188 881 for more info. Or check out the Auckland Sexual Health Service website www.ashs.org.nz *Consultation fees do apply for casual and non-New Zealand residents, and additional laboratory charges apply for non-New Zealand residents.

What it involves…

Not a lot! Sexual Health checks are pretty straightforward these

I’M LAZY.

WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?

NO

YES

CAN YOU DO OTHER THINGS?

I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR

WRITE NEWS/ FEATURES WRITE AN OPINION/ LETTER

NO

WHY NOT?

CAN YOU WRITE?

YES

YES

NO

WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO SALIENT?

WRITE ARTS

I CAN SPELL

BE A SUB-EDITOR!

I HAVE A CAMERA

TAKE PHOTOS

I HAVE THOUGHTS

COMMENT

WE’LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!

NO.

EMAIL EDITOR@ SALIENT.ORG.NZ

READ!

NO MATTER WHAT YOUR ROLE IS, GET IN TOUCH WITH US AT EDITOR@SALIENT.ORG.NZ AND WE’LL SORT YOU OUT!

◄ ◄ • 35 • ►►

 ~ COLUMNS ~

FOOD & DRINK Nigella Lawstudent

By Eve Kennedy

My one means of seduction is that I can cook. I've impressed many a man (well, at least two) with my mad cooking skills. Let's face it, I live up a huge hill and the only way I can entice people over is by offering them good food and cheap booze.

My favourite thing to do is make something deceptively easy, but with a fancy sounding European name that I pronounce in a French accent (cheers FREN115).

Fresh pasta is simple to make and this basic pasta dough recipe is versatile: you can turn it into a plethora of pasta shapes, including lasagne, fettuccine, or the impressive-sounding agnolotti (filled semi-circles).

bacchus knows best

A Way to His/Her/Their Heart is Through the Stomach (/food to cry yourself to sleep with)

CANNELLONI RECIPE

Serves four.

Mix 2 cups of sieved flour with 1 teaspoon of salt.

Add one lightly beaten egg and 4 tablespoons of vegetable oil.

Add small amounts of water at a time until the dough forms a ball: roughly 1–1 1/2 cups.

Leave to sit for 15-20 minutes: it will become supple and elastic.

While the pasta rests, prepare the filling. I use whatever I have; but spinach, onions, garlic, pumpkin, mushrooms or similar are classics. I used roasted eggplant, chopped small; onions fried with mushrooms, chopped garlic cloves, dried oregano and basil, leek and silver beet. You need to have about 3–4 cups of filling.

Add some wine and cook off the alcohol; this is one of the two acceptable uses of goon: cooking and making sangria. Take off the heat, add salt, pepper, a lightly beaten egg and cheese. Use any variety you desire: gruyère, cottage cheese, feta, or classic grated Edam.

Roll the pasta into square sheets as thin as possible. Boil these sheets, one by one, in a big pot. Then place a few spoonfuls of the mixture in the middle of the sheet, then roll the sheet up tube-like, and place in an oven dish. Rinse and repeat. Add a tomato sauce (boiled chopped tomatoes, onions, wine, garlic, salt and pepper) on top, and grated cheese. Bake in the oven at 180°C for 35-40 minutes.

Date Night

By Bacchus

Dinner for two. Can there be anything more conducive to spreading the love?

And with the tsunami of current home cooking shows demonstrating how to get bitchin’ in the kitchen, this gives you the chance to showcase your naked chef skills as well. (Although if you’re whipping up anything requiring frying, I suggest an apron!). Here are my top picks for wining and dining that special someone.

The epitome of Champagne on a (craft) beer budget is Spanish Cava. They make their sparkling wine with grapes native to Spain which we won’t go into as they’re a bitch to pronounce.

My pick is the Freixenet (frey-see-ent)— Cordon Negro $16.50. The bottle isn’t the prettiest, but it’s what’s inside that will get the pulses racing.

For the still whites we are aiming to impress, so let’s go slightly left of centre

with the Tahblik—Marsanne $16.95. This shares a flavour profile with Sauvignon Blanc but is slightly more restrained.

My last white that will make you seem cooler than the other side of the pillow is Pinot Blanc. Moore Wilson’s have three or four good examples from both New Zealand and France. You will have to pay a bit more ($25-$30), but in my experience it’s a wine that you can put on the table safe in the knowledge that no one is going to hate it, and by extension, you.

All these guys above would be great with seafood/fish with fresh, light flavours and would also stand up to a good lashing of chilli.

I have opted for reds which are a bit lighter, as bigger alcoholic red wine is more likely to give you those purple-stained teeth that aren’t really going to invite your partner to stick their tongue in your mouth. ◄ ◄ • 36 • ►►

Terra Sancta—Mysterious Diggings Pinot Noir. This is exactly what you want from a central Pinot, juicy fruit framed by a lick of toasty oak, and at $18-$20 is a steal.

Another silken red is the Sileni—Cellar Selection Syrah $14.95. Summer berry fruits with some white pepper, leave it at that and you’ll sound like a pro.

Food wise, let’s sear off some lean cuts of lamb or venison. Chuck that over some kumara mash, bok choy/ broccolini. If meat’s not your thing, eggplant, feta and tomato stacks are the go.

Boom. Date night done.

Bacchus sourced these wines from Moore Wilson’s Fresh liquor department.

ϟ• ARTS•ϟ

ARTS

music

Concerts of the Summer

Correction: Last week’s address for Puppies was incorrect. This delightful new bar can be found on the corner of Tory and Vivian streets. Head on down!

phillip mcsweeney

Mount Eerie: Mount Eerie is the moniker of folk wunderkind Phil Elvrum (previously of The Microphones incarnation) who has achieved a kind of quiet renown in his many years on the circuit. Because I was too impoverished to attend Camp this year (please don’t talk to me about how great it was.

I will rend you limb from limb. You have been warned.) I took the opportunity to see him play an intimate set at Puppies as consolation, only to meet him milling about amongst some records.

Fanboy moment!!1! I clutched my newly signed copies of ‘The Glow pt. 2’ and ‘Winds Poem’ to my breast with the same fervency that a conservative senior would clutch her pearls upon hearing the F-word.

When asked about the recurrent nature motifs that are prominent in his work, Elvrum responded thoughtfully—dispelling my simplistic guesses that they are of only ecological and aesthetic import. Instead, he clarified: “I don't want it to be overly aestheticized or quaint. I want it to be as direct and clear as possible, and "nature seems like the clearest version of our world”. He takes inspiration from “things, mountains and stuff, that are relatively eternal" and uses them as a means to question "What does it mean to be this person that I am? Why this light and forests, and why these websites, sandwiches, language and all other daily

phenomena?". This philosophical pondering is the crux of Mount Eerie’s ethos, and is partly the cause of the change in moniker – it marked a shift from personal concerns to more general ones, as well as providing him with scope for experimentation in style and form. As he puts it, “things had changed naturally, and I updated the name to reflect that”.

And certainly, this passion for the philosophical and the natural shone through live. The emotion invested in ‘Through the Trees’ was palpable, and his renditions of the sea-shanty ‘I Whale’ and the yearning ‘On Moonlight’ evidenced an appreciation for nature that goes far beyond the surface level. I understand his ethos better after seeing him perform live. Surely that is a high recommendation. Though the set was a tad abbreviated for my liking (an hour-long set, mind) and he neglected some of his greatest material (‘The Moon’ would have been nice!) really I’m just nit-picking. 4/5 Godspeed You! Black Emperor (GY!BE) The jury’s still out on this one. Look, they were my first post-rock band and they sound very good on first listen but come on now, it’s all a bit obvious and insipid, isn’t it? Begin with dreary atmospheric sound, have the drums (two kits worth of ‘em live, although both are used redundantly; the drummers mirrored each other

♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫

◄ ◄ • 37 • ►►

unwaveringly throughout) slowly tinkle until they can be bashed loudly and formlessly as the climax provided by the guitarists repeating the same notes over and over and over and over but getting gradually faster and louder approaches until it eventually drowns out the gorgeous, lilting violin and rhythm sections that made the gig worthwhile in the first place. Voila! You’ve got yourself a GY!BE song. This isn’t just one man’s incoherent ravings; the brain trust of the internet has coined the disparaging term ‘crescendocore’ to describe them, and it’s apt. This is accompanied by an unutterably meretricious and wanky ‘visual accompaniment’ which consists of trite imagery matching the ‘postapocalyptic’ vibe they strive for. Not to mention their dreadful stage presence, not even bothering to give the audience so much as a “hello” and clearly expecting a hushed, reverential silence throughout and PACKING UP THEIR EQUIPMENT BEFORE THE LAST SONG HAD EVEN FINISHED. That’s what irks me the most I think; an elevated sense of selfimportance that isn’t justified by the quality of their music. They’re good—but not great—postrock, and although they can be exhilarating they achieve this all too rarely. Then again, maybe I just don’t get it—tens of thousands of people manage to hear things in them that I just don’t.

You may well do too. Idk. 2.5/5.

ϟ• ARTS•ϟ

film Zero Dark Thirty Directed by Kathryn Bigelow Review by Gerald Lee

9/11 has shaped the world in ways that many filmmakers have yet to come to terms with. Films like United 93 aside, many engage in simplistic platitudes that fail to illuminate the realities of a post 9/11 world. In contrast, Zero Dark Thirty is a thrilling, complex piece of entertainment that does not resort to easy generalisations.

Largely based on actual events, Zero Dark Thirty traces a CIA operative’s obsessive hunt for Osama Bin Laden in the aftermath of 9/11. However the film is more than a mere procedural: it adeptly condenses a haphazard set of events into a coherent narrative about America’s response to Islamic extremism. Bigelow’s statement is exceedingly effective because she shies away from patriotic bravado. Her camera renders events in an honest, critical manner, showing morally questionable techniques such as torture in harrowing detail. The films conclusions are not clear-cut, and Bigelow trusts her audience to make their own judgements rather than be spoon-fed the answers.

Hitchcock Directed by Sacha Gervasi Reviewed by Ollie Neas

Few directors have left as definitive a mark on the story of cinema as Alfred Hitchcock. It is disappointing then that Hitchcock leaves little to be remembered. The premise of the film is promising, centred on the off-camera love story between Hitchcock and his wife and right-hand lady Alma Reville.

Unfortunately though, this premise is betrayed by a screenplay that is unbearably safe.

The story flits from the production of Hitchcock’s most controversial film, Psycho, to the director’s marital battles, to a series of flirtations between Alma and a one-dimensional, womanising screenwriter called Whit. Of these, the story of Psycho is the most intriguing, but the film fails to commit to this, or any other, narrative. In doing so it becomes disjointed and falls flat—like a pancake made of cement. The

(In no particular order) Crash

5 Great Films about Sex

(1996, David Cronenberg) Shortbus

(2006, John Cameron Mitchell)

◄ ◄ • 38 • ►►

From a craft perspective, Zero Dark Thirty is a triumph of thrills and suspense. The final scene, in particular, is a master class in taut filmmaking and highlights Bigelow’s grip on her material.

Tense without being overblown, it expertly pays off the film’s narrative promise.

Complementing Bigelow’s consummate direction is the fantastically nuanced performance of Jessica Chastain. She exhibits a remarkably restrained style of acting that relies on a mastery of vocal inflections and body language, and which gives us a sense of someone who is somewhat petulant, but by the same token also unwavering in her pursuit.

That being said, Zero Dark Thirty does suffer from some flaws.

Bigelow makes little effort to ground her characters, and the movie’s opening is compelling but impenetrable from a narrative standpoint. However, to focus on these imperfections obscures the intense power of the picture that Bigelow has created. Both gripping and nuanced, Zero Dark Thirty is one of the most impressive films of 2013 thus far.

VERDICT : 5/5

opportunity is missed to seriously examine what drives the evidently peculiar director. All we get on this front is a series of inexplicable dream sequences of Hitchcock facing down a cannibalistic murderer—but what these actually add to the film, I do not know.

The flat-footedness of the screenplay is saved somewhat by the strong performances of Anthony Hopkins and Helen Mirren.

Hopkins particularly is masterful, uncanny in his impersonation of the portly director. The pair’s sparring is the film’s greatest quality, ensuring that the film is entertaining enough to warrant a watch for any Hitchcock aficionados out there.

In one scene, Hitchcock describes an unsuccessful rough-cut of Psycho as “stillborn.” This is, ironically, an apt description of Hitchcock. It is a film about an adventurous director embarking on his most adventurous work to date. But it is that spirit of adventure which this film lacks.

VERDICT: 2.5 / 5

Happy Together

(1997, Wong Kar-wai) Basic Instinct

(1992, Paul Verhoeven) Sleeping Beauty

(2011, Julia Leigh)

ϟ• ARTS•ϟ

books Delta of Venus – Anaïs Nin alex hollis

Is there any way to write well about sex? Too much metaphor and the thing itself is destroyed in a glut of words, too little and it can become cold and clinical. The issues of gender politics, the fluidity of sexuality and sexual identity, and different sexual kinks also come into play. It’s a thin line to walk, one which Anaïs Nin only just fails to tread in her deeply engaging chronicle of interconnected sexual episodes, Delta of Venus.

Delta of Venus was assembled from a collection of erotic stories written by Nin—“the madam of a house of literary prostitution”—in the 1940s, commissioned by an anonymous collector who demanded that she “leave out the poetry” of sex. Thankfully Nin ignored him, and her stories contain a strong sense of the poetic mixed with the sensual, especially highlighted by her emphasis on the exotic, both in character and locale. This enabled Nin to present a sexual freedom which was incredibly forward-looking for her time, and especially revolutionary from a female perspective. While the characters and their situations are fun and enjoyable, the high points of Delta of Venus are Nin’s moments of pathos; the final episode, which deals with war breaking out and the dream coming to an end, has a Fitzgeraldian quality which outshines the rest.

But when I ask if there is any way to write well about sex, what I really want to ask is: specifically, is there any way to write about sex using words that won’t be a complete turn-off ? There seems to be a feeling in much erotica that the use of

anatomic terms – infuriatingly, even the everyday ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ – is unconscionably clinical.

Instead, writers verge towards flowery, purple prose, and clunky metaphor. Delta of Venus, which elsewhere masters a confident literary tone, succumbs to this, with Nin’s overwrought descriptions of “her sex opening” and “his desire springing up” sounding not dissimilar to a Mills & Boon novel. Because of this, these moments become completely unerotic and incredibly distracting.

I also found Delta of Venus problematic from a feminist perspective. There’s no doubt that it is a feminist book; there is a preoccupation throughout with the feminine mind and her approach to sex, emphasising the woman’s voice and attempting to unlock “the mysteries of woman’s sensuality, so different from man’s and for which man’s language was inadequate”.

This is rare even in modern erotica, which often emphasises patriarchal values even when written by women (50 Shades of Grey, I’m looking at you). However, the feminism here is First-wave, and the scenes of incest, paedophilia, and rape pervading Delta of Venus are at times tricky to reconcile with a modern feminist reading. While the overt violence of many of the male figures is implicitly condemned, the ease with which others subjugate women is not.

However, while Nin is concerned at the frequency of the feminine will being subjugated to the masculine, she also acknowledges that this is the state of affairs in her world, which is emphasised by the somewhat jarring fetishism of rape and incest.

Nin seems to be presenting two different types of eroticism; the broadly masculine, and the broadly feminine, and there is an emphasis on these needing to be balanced, even in homosexual relationships. Moments of imbalance lead to sexual dysfunction, and hence the violence.

Do try Delta of Venus; it’s mostly very well-written, incredibly atmospheric, with some fascinating characters who have great sex. But it’s not the erotic novel that’s going to bring down the patriarchy in 2013—dammit, we’ll just have to keep reading.

Li twit ure: when gatsby met daisy @gr8gatsby: party at mine yo! erryone’s invited! @daisysayre @nick29

@nick29: I am within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life #feels

@gr8gatsby: @daisysayre hi Daze it was awesome to see you the other day... you should totes DM me :)

@gr8gatsby: .@daisysayre is a babe @gr8gatsby: @daisysayre tom’s not on here right??!

@gr8gatsby: just bought new shirts! #sweetthreads @ daisysayre

@daisysayre: #green #light #dock #lol #nofilter instagram. com/p/QlPnuGpe92/

@gr8gatsby: @daisysayre heyheyhey, how’s it going? Haven’t seen you around the dock lately. #notstalkingyoutho @nick29: @jordan_baker wanna be facebook official?

@gr8gatsby: goin for a swim lol @nick29: so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past #deep

@jordan_baker: @nick29 nope ◄ ◄ • 39 • ►►

ϟ• ARTS•ϟ

visual arts sharon lam

In Wellington we are lucky enough to have pieces dotted around the city that will be probably always be around. These are public art pieces. Public pieces, usually sculptural, are unlike their indoor relatives in almost every manner. Rather than being confined and lit up in a room, waiting for incoming viewers, public pieces must win over a fleeting public audience in a matter of seconds.

Bronze Form, Henry Moore Salamanca Lawn, Botanic Gardens

Moore’s sculpture is best enjoyed by not trying to understand it. Bronze Form is exactly that— an ambiguously shaped large piece of bronze.

Moore’s sculptures, including this one, are known for strongly echoing the patterns of the human form but they also look pretty cool just taken as is. Bronze Form was bought in 1988 for one million dollars, and remains New Zealand’s only public Moore piece. Standing alone in a large grassy plain in the Botanic Gardens, its solitary stance gives the whole area an undeniably eerie feel, even in broad daylight — picnic here for a spooky arty vibe alongside your sandwiches and cider.

City to Sea Bridge Sculptures Para Matchitt, John Gray, Rewi Thompson City to Sea Bridge, Jervois Quay

Ah, what I consider to be one of the biggest eyesores of the whole city. These local collaborative sculptures were constructed in 1994 alongside the Civic Square rejuvenation and have become an icon of the Wellington waterfront.

While it should be appreciated that the sculptures and surrounding architecture pay homage to the Maori creation story of Wellington harbour, it is hard to escape the air of tackiness exuded by the crude shapes mashed about on wooden poles. However to each his or her own—and their individuality does make for an easy meeting place.

SkyBlues, Bill Culbert Post Office Square, Jervois Quay

The most widespread benefit of public art is through exuding a brief moment of awe upon the common pedestrian, who will pass by a piece and think “oh look at that! Haha cool.”, which was exactly my reaction upon seeing SkyBlues for the first time at night. Standing in Post Office Square, the sculpture is basically a whole bunch of curly blue neon lights strewn about some steel rods,that light up and kind of vibrate at nighttime. The artist’s explanation focuses on the blue hue of the manmade neon contrasting with the blue of the natural sky and the verticality challenging the moving viewer. Also nice to just see it and go “oh look at that! haha cool”.

For maps and other sculptures see Wellington Sculpture Trust at sculpture.org.nz ◄ ◄ • 40 • ►►

ϟ• ARTS•ϟ

The Salient Arts Rating Guide: 5 stars = "I could kiss you on the nuts."

4 stars = "I just blue myself."

3 stars = "I will suck it up."

2 stars = "Can't even fake the death of a stripper."

1 star = "It was utterly... macabre."

0 stars = "I made a huge mistake."

DO YOU LIKE CATS. BUT LOVE THE MUSICAL? Want free tickets to theatre?

Your name on these illustrious pages?

Salient needs more theatre writers—email editor@salient.org.nz today!

WHERE DO YOU FIT IN THE PACK?

Hitting town for a night out with your pack can unleash some drunken traits you won’t always be proud of the morning after. Ask yourself which pack member you are.

HOW DOES YOUR NIGHT NORMALLY END? With a fight!

FOAMER Fiesty Aggro-drunk Shameless Tip: You need to learn how to control yourself and make better decisions to ensure you get home in one piece.

Walk home alone

LONE WOLF Wanderer Over-confident Adventurous Tip: Adventures are better shared. Always take a buddy – they can back up your stories the morning after.

Grab everyone and walk home

Taxi home with friends

CUB Planner Follower Cautious

ALPHA Responsible Caring Peacemaker

Tip: Seeing as you’re not a big risk-taker and can lack street-smarts, it’s essential you stay with your pack.

Tip: Find a balance between looking after the pack and your own enjoyment.

◄ ◄ • 41 • ►►

Prepare yourself for the walk of shame

SLOBBERER Messy drunk Gets loose Show-off Tip: Create a cut-off point to how much you drink. Knowing your limit can save you a lot of embarrassment.

FIND OUT MORE AND DOWNLOAD THE APP!

STICKWITH THEPACK .CO.NZ

 ϟ puzzles ϟ 

PUZZLES Menace” character 38. Sneaky tactics 40. Keanu of “The Matrix” 41. Refrain of Disney's dwarves 42. Respectful address 43. In spite of, in poetry 46. Quaid or Hopper 48. See 34-Across 50. French high-kickers 55. Daleks' home planet 57. Dark film style 58. Prefix for -sphere 59. First name of Wolverine 60. Actress Campbell 61. Most crucial 62. What the WHO says about 10% of adults are 63. Old cry of despair 64. Some ads about smoking, for short

ACROSS 1. Lemon and lime drinks 5. “____ long story” 9. Middle of three black keys 14. Music video website that censors explicit content 15. Film can come on it 16. Dora the Explorer's cousin 17. Part of USA (abbr) 18. Addition to a McFlurry

19. Pro wrestler Randy 20. Hergé book featuring the Yeti 23. Edgar ____ Poe 24. Out reasonably recently 27. Mr. Biv of mnemonics fame 28. Like “Hamlet”, e.g.

33. “____ wish, two a kiss...”

34. Did the job of a 48-Across 35. It may be pipe or vital 36. Much-detested “Phantom

DOWN 1. Movie about the Na'vi 2. Venus _____ 3. How something might be spread 4. Kinda-maybe-ish 5. Its symbol is Fe 6. Hatcher of “Desperate Housewives” 7. Noticed 8. Tons 9. Maker of Photoshop 10. They're used in some celebrations 11. Leases of flats 12. Fourth word of the “Star Wars” crawl 13. Heavy weight 21. Buries

Quiz

22. Abbr. like Ltd. 25. Setting for “Moby Dick” 26. He shot first, damn it!

29. British rule in India 30. Company behind “Asteroids” 31. Actor Richard and others 32. “I'm certain” 34. Japanese farewells 35. Result of a single, in cricket 36. He composed “4'33”” 37. “___ seen things, man” 38. Higher degree 39. It might be little and white 42. Higher degree in bio., perhaps 43. They represent some 'th' sounds 44. Lover of Lysander 45. Scott Card and Welles, for two 47. Hole-_____ (golfing coup) 49. Little rascal 51. “I” in “The King and I” 52. Christmas song 53. High-maintenance star 54. Greek version of Mars 55. ___-mo replay 56. Antelope similar to an impala

O-WEEK ISSUE SOLUTION

Sudoko difficulty: medium

1) Which New Zealand university has the motto “By natural ability and hard work”?

6) To the nearest thousand, how many people are members of Overheard @ Vic?

2) Victoria has Salient, Otago has Critic, what does Massey have?

7) Who directed Love Actually?

3) How many listed BA majors do Victoria offer?

8) Which Simpsons character did Lisa give an locomotive themed Valentine’s Day card to?

4) Which Auckland beach was the 9) In which year was homosexual site of a shark related incident in sex made legal in New Zealand? the last week?

10) Who was the first pope to 5) Which female rapper wrote the resign? seminal hits Twerk and Yankin?

8) RALPH WIGGUM 9) 1986 10) ST PONTIAN ANSWERS: 1) UNIVERSITY OF AUCKLAND 2) MASSIVE 3) 41!

4) MURIWAI BEACH 5) LADY 6) 9000 7) RICHARD CURTIS

CROSSWORD by puck — ANSWERS NEXT ISSUE ◄ ◄ • 42 • ►►

◄ ◄ • 43 • ►►

SALIENT ♥ YOU

letters TALK DIRTY TO ME JOANNA Letter of the

week

win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge

Amazeballs Excitepants Hey, Salient is already way better than last year. The design is so much better in that you can actually read the words.

However, have less of Rory McCourt.

That guy seems like the most sinfully boring human being on the planet.

Regards, Zak (on behalf of Derek du Bronkhorse)

Faux-cynical Second Year Dear Okaylient I lead an average life. Nobody ever listens to me. This is why I turn to you. Spread the word about this mediocrity I live in. Make sure everyone knows of it. Come on, do it. I know I'm not alone.

All the adorable little first years looked so happy on their first day of O-week. They know so little. I weep for them at night.

They believe they finally got their lives sussed out. Cute. They don’t. Their excitement will fade soon. They’ll join me in my meaningless day to day existence. Their lives will lose purpose. But that’s our natural state as students. Once you’re used to it, it’s ok.

Welcome to Vic. Cheery Optimist

LEARN NUMBERS, STAT! Dear first year psyc students, The reason you have to study stats for your psyc degree is because they help you figure out if you're doing something that actually does help people. in fact, your knowledge of statistical analysis and report writing is the thing that makes you employable and useful. give in early, do a stats major as well. It'll make it easier on you in the long run. I promise it's less scary when you actually try.

From amy

Dear sir or madam, Wish you enjoy a great day! our company has been a professional chemical supplier in China.If you are interested in our products, please contact us Titanium Dioxide Rutile/Anatase, Caustic Soda Flakes/Pearls/Solid, Soda Ash Light /Dense, STPP, SHMP, Should any of these items be of interest to you,please let us know,we will be happy to give you a quotation upon the receipt of your detailed requirements.

Best regards!

Yours sincerely, Joanna Qinhuangdao Laiersi Chemicals Co., Ltd Address: NO.5, ShengXiang Homes, HaiGang District, QinHuangDao, China

PLEASE DON'T WRITE FANFIC Dear Salient, Your puzzles pages are almost as babing as your editors.

Love, Sudokus are sexy

LOOK HARDER Hai Frailient, the first magazine was fun but where were the sweet nude pics?

Yours lustily, PJ Lewis

THEIR PLACE IN THE WORLD Dear Babelient, Fuck Critic. A university like Otago not only cannot produce good student media, but also doesn't even need it because they are too drunk/stoned/preoccupied-with-burningcouches/too-obsessed-with-passing-first-yearmed. Salient is twice the magazine Critic will ever be.

Yours, Slightly-Bitter-About-Not-Going-To-Otago

TRY A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR After 2 years of an intense lust and infatuation I finally decided to declare my

◄ ◄ • 44 • ►►

love for a stupendous lady. Unfortunately this declaration happened under the influence of absinthe (a christmas gift from my father, my sister got tickets to see Mary Poppins the Musical!!) In summary Salient, she didn't take it so well, my year at Helen Lowry is going to be pretty uncomfortable.

I hope your years have started off better than mine. xoxo

HE'LL BE FREE IN NOVEMBER Salient, I feel I have to share this with someone, I have a very intense crush on Pat Walsh. So thank you for including his personal diary in your magazine, that man is a beautiful enigma and I love it!

SALIENT ♥ YOU

NOTICES PERSONALS: Nickelback Age: Timeless First thing people notice about me: We’re not ur average guy lol. Because there r 4 of us, we’re totally able to take care of all of ur needs.

Bedroom style: Lol doesn’t even need 2 b a gang bang type situation, doesn’t even need 2 b a bedroom if u kno what we mean…

I’m really good at: lol lyk sum ppl say we r good at music nd stuff but idk lol Favourite lyrics: Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry, Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

The Hub Age: Almost a real entity!

First thing people notice about me: My big… glass doors. I really know how to make a girl happy with doors this big (biggest in the Southern Hemisphere). Mmmm. Dat glass.

What I’m doing with my life: Just making your life better. Sheltering you, fulfilling your needs, bringing you joy.

If we dated, I would take you: We wouldn’t even need to go anywhere. Everything we need is right here. Please don’t leave the campus. I don’t want you to go. Just sit down here. It’ll be nice. Promise.

Favourite lyrics: Bobbbbbbbbbbbb the builder; can we fix it?

Bobbbbbbb the builder; yes we can!

Paula Bennett Age: Upper middle Bedroom style: Just zip it sweetie and let me do my thing Six things I couldn’t do without: • The upper middle class • Taxpayer money • Jacinda Ardern • Power • John Key • The Illuminati. (Maybe. Cannot confirm or deny on this one.)

You should contact me if: you would like to have a good time, kick back and cut some welfare.

Favourite lyrics: Someday, somehow I’m gonna make it all right but not right now.

Victoria University TaeKwonDo Club (WTF style)

Vic OE – Vic Student Exchange Programme

Interested in Taekwondo? New to Taekwondo? Learned Taekwondo before?

Come along and join us! Great way to keep fit and have fun!

Why not study overseas as part of your degree?! Earn Vic credit, get Studylink & grants, explore the world! A must do while at Vic!

Training times: Tuesday 6.30pm - 8.00pm Long Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre Saturday 3.30pm - 5.00pm Dance Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre you need: Drink bottle, comfy clothes Contact: vuwtkd@hotmail.com We are affiliated to the TaeKwonDo Union of NZ (TUNZ)

Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2, Easterfield Building, 12.50pm Email: VicOE@vuw.ac.nz Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon & Tues 9-12, WedFri 10-12

STUDY OPTIONS, CAREERS AND JOBS • Unsure of what to study/do with your degree?

• Need help with your CV? • Scared of interviews?

• Need a job? … visit Vic Careers or book an appointment with a Careers Consultant CAREERHUB – ONE STOP SHOP to JOBS: Part time, Full time, Summer Internships, Voluntary Work.

Recruitment starts now! Graduate roles 2014 and Internship 2013/14, closing soon.

Check on CareerHub for the latest Graduate Recruitment Schedule and careers events.

The key time for recruitment is now, do not miss out!

Vic Careers: 14 Kelburn Parade, 463-5393, careers-service@vuw.ac.nz http://careerhub.victoria.ac.nz

Notices Policy: Salient provides a free notice service for all Victoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs not-for-profit organisations. Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words. For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to editor@salient. org.nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

SALIENT LETTERS POLICY 2013 Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate – be it serious or otherwise – through its letters pages. Write about anything you like: Beyoncé, puppies, or the metaphysics of space-time.

Send us love mail, send us hate mail, send us party invites. We want it all.

Letters must be received before 12pm on the Wednesday for publication the next week.

Letters must be no longer than 250 words.

Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number, these will not be printed. Please note that letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar.The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation.

Letters can be sent to: Email: letters@salient.org.nz Post: Salient, c/- Victoria University of Wellington Hand-delivered: the Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge)

◄ ◄ • 45 • ►►

◄ ◄ • 46 • ►►

SALIENT ♥ YOU

VBC tues 26

The

weds 27

VBC Breakfast Show

7–9pm

What Is ART? w/ Virginia

bodega SAM Wood

9–late

4–7pm

thurs 28

fri 1

w/ Sally & Maddie Sweet music, news, interviews & giveaways

George Armstrong Dead Air

sat 2

sun 3

DJ MP3 Player beep....

DJ MP3 Player beep....

Wake N' Bake w/ Pearce & Duncan

Ollie & Asher The Secret to Your Success

INFIDEL CASTRO w/ Philip McSweeney

THE BEEF! w/ Matt & Alex

2–4pm

12–2pm

10–noon

7–10am

mon 25

Want a show on the VBC this year? There are still spaces available—contact stationmanager@vbc.org.nz to get on air!

SALIENT w/ Molly & Stella

MARYKE

Lewie & Tash

Alex. Michael & Nick

Joe Sloane

Ctrl/Alt/Dlt w/ Keegan &

Thursday Drive "Add w Aiden"

Josh King

The Vinyl Countdown

Train-Spotting w/ Holly & Stumble

PRE-LOAD w/ Matt &

Making Waaves w/ Kariiba & Guests

Dave & ED

rohan

Slim Picking's w/ Slim & Bunny

Gussie

Chris Gilman The Night Shift

THAT'S SO METAL Mitchell

friends

Compulsory ECSTASY w/ Kim & Nic

Railroad Blues w/ Ray

GIG GUIDE mon 4

tues 5

weds 6

thurs 7

Comedy Spectacular 7:30pm ($25/ student $16)

Home Brew with Tommy Ill & Lips 7:30pm ($35/ student $30)

Hypnotist Show 7:30pm ($25/ student $16)

mighty mighty

Mighty Quiz!

6:30pm The National Office live 9:30pm (free!)

san francisco bathhouse The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion 8pm

bodega

meow cafe

Big Band Jazz Night (free!)

Stitch & Bitch 7:00pm

Julie Lamb & The Lambinators 8:30pm ($10)

FRINGE 2013: Buddypalfriend 7pm ($8)

Electric Quiz 8pm - 10pm

TV Disko 6pm (free!)

Cripple Mr Onion 10pm ($10)

Outsiders

Kroon For Your Kai 6:30pm ◄ ◄ • 47 • ►►

Matt Langley Virginia Avenue Album Live Preview 8pm ($15)

sat 9 Mt Eden + Diaz Grim doors 8pm

Minuit 8pm ($25)

Gold Panda 8pm ($20)

puppies southern cross

Red Sky Blues & The Digg 9:30pm ($5)

fri 8

Mighty MIghty Markets 1pm - 5pm The Mantarays 9:30pm ($10) So So Modern 8pm ($15/$20 at door)

Gobsmacked: Showbiz & Dating 9pm ($15)