Salient Issue 18 - Volume 87

Mauatua

Our magazine, is run by students for students. Without the involvement of students, we wouldn't be able to operate. Every year, we welcome pitches and inquiries from individuals who are interested in writing for us. For more information, please email editor@salient. org.nz or visit our website at salient.org.nz.

complaints

Complaints regarding the material published in brought to the CEO in writing (ceo@vuwsa.org. nz). If not satisfied with the response, complaints should be directed to the Media Council (info@ mediacouncil.org.nz).

about

but remains editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Student's Association (VUWSA). Salient

VUWSA through Student Services Levy. member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

bird of the week

Tūturuatu

The Tūturuatu/Tchūriwat’, also known as the Shore Plover, is a testament to the successful conservation efforts in New Zealand. This small bird, once on the verge of extinction, has seen its population rebound thanks to dedicated initiatives. The Tūturuatu is recognized by its black face mask, white plumage, and distinctive black markings on its wings and tail. These markings give it a unique and striking appearance. Primarily found in coastal areas, the Shore Plover inhabits sandy beaches, spits, and mudflats. They are adapted to both marine and terrestrial environments. However, introduced predators and loss of habitat posed significant threats to their survival. Through conservation programs such as captive breeding and predator control, their numbers have increased.

How many Tūturuatu can you spot in this week's issue?

gig guide

WEDS | San Fran | 8pm

Eyegum: Mall Goth, Wallflower, Scientia

Woah! It’s Eyegum! Beer: cheap. Music: plentiful. Entry: free. Vibes: unparalleled. This week, two beloved staples of the indie scene are paying a visit to the Bathhouse: Mall Goth, and Wallflower! They’ll be supported by local selector DJ Scientia, from 10pm. Mall Goth, billed as “music for when you're angry about how lame you are”, promises a cathartic, grungy set: big riffs, big emotional baggage. Wallflower will kick things into a shoegaze gear—but your precious grunge will remain intact. Grab a pint, dance, and feel angst.

SAT | Rogue | 8pm

Skilaa: Tiger In The River Album Release

While I appreciate that this gig costs more than $20, I assure you it’s worth the spend. This Saturday a powerhouse of psych-RnB, rap, and jazz is descending on Rogue. Skilaa are in town performing their new ten-track LP—Tiger In The River—in full. The record is the culmination of more than four years of work, and is absolutely packed with original, energetic and bold NZ RnB. If that weren’t enough, Skilaa will have two excellent supporting acts: Dawn Diver, and Revulva.

FRI | Rogue & Vagabond | 9.30pm

Brazza!

Banish your winter blues! This Friday, Brazilian funk/soul/jazz six-piece Brazza! are bringing their phenomenal talent to Rogue. These guys reliably deliver an incredibly fun, incredibly expert set of infectious rhythm work, soaring solos and soulful vocals. Fabiola Haru, the lead singer, channels the late, great Astrud Gilberto, alongside five excellent musicians—Abe Baillie on drums, Blyn Blan Bliet and (Santo) Nicolau on wind, Frechie Fe on guitar, Pedro on bass, and Marcel on hand percussion. Free entry, plentiful tap beer, outstanding bossa nova sounds.

SAT | San Fran | 8pm

Atomic—Club Night

Welly’s longest running club night is back! This Saturday Atomic returns to San Fran. This much-anticipated club night delivers a sonic journey from early punk to the pop charts, via post-punk, new romantics, synth pop, and new wave—far more than just an 80s retro night. Expect absolute jams spun on vinyl all night long—if you love music, and if you love to dance, Atomic is for you.

protest calendar

This Thursday at Unity Books join Vuw ENGL icon Dougal McNeill, and celebrated writer and essayist Tina Makereti, for the launch of McNeill’s Forms of Freedom: Marxist Essays in New Zealand and Australian Literature. In his latest work, McNeill argues that literature has a unique ability to influence real world progressive social change, making the case for literature as an essential ‘form of freedom’. Forms… carefully and insightfully applies Marxist critical thought to the works of selected Australian and New Zealand writers, from the late nineteenth century to the present. All welcome!

SAT | Valhalla | 7.30pm

Libbianski: Useless Splendour Album Release Tour

In case you hadn’t noticed, Pōneke is in the midst of a shoegaze revival. Heading the charge this week are Libbianski, bold purveyors of grunge and melody. This Saturday they’re hitting up Valhalla, back home after touring across the motu, in celebration of their new LP: Useless Splendour. The record promises a heady mix of shoegaze, noise rock and dream pop; their time on the road will mean a well-rehearsed setlist. In support are two oft-featured darlings of the indie scene: Wallflower, and Bleeding Star.

SAT | MOON | 8pm

Punk Flag

MOON is hosting something of a punk retrospective this Saturday. Headlining are Condenser, who will play all 21 tracks(!!) of Wire’s phenomenal, groundbreaking 1977 record, Pink Flag. There’s an eccentric sounding German actor inexplicably performing disco renditions of Ramones songs(?). Finally, there’s a latin ska punk band, Los Punkys, performing Californiainfluenced Latin ska, largely in Castellano. I’m gonna level with you: I think the crowd here will be OLD. I also think this is one of the more unusual, interesting setlists MOON has ever had. I also (also) think Pink Flag is a sick LP. Do with this information what you will xx

The atrocities committed by the IDF on the people of Gaza, though already incomprehensible, only grow by the day. It is vitally important, now more than ever, that we stand with Palestine, and against apartheid. Every Friday a group of passionate people gather on the Hill Street bridge, over the motorway, to kōrero and wave flags—drawing the attention of incoming commuter traffic. Join Falastin Tea Collective this Friday morning at the overbridge, and stand with them for justice and liberation. Find @Falastin_Tea_Collective on Instagram for more weekly actions.

| Hill Street Bridge | 6pm-8pm

THURS | Hill Street Bridge | 7:15am-8:15am

Flag Waving for Palestine

IT’S THE FUCKING NEWS

kawepūrongo

Born in the (NZ)USA

On August 1st, the nation’s most democratic and accountable body (VUWSA) announced its immediate and permanent withdrawal from the New Zealand Union of Student’s Associations. Formed in 1929, NZUSA was intended as a national voice for tertiary students, a demographic that is frequently unheard in politics. However, nearly 100 years of growing financial and structural troubles have pushed the organisation into irrelevance and crushing debt, to the extent that the IRD is now investigating.

In VUWSA’s statement on August 1st, they indicated that the presidents of Aotearoa’s students associations had met and decided to institute a national body to replace NZUSA. Salient sat down with VUWSA President, Supreme Leader, First of Her Name, Marcail Parkinson. “Since Volunteer Student Membership came in, [NZUSA] and other students associations have lost a lot of their power. During that time… a lot of student’s associations decided to leave NZUSA because they felt like it wasn’t serving their purposes, or because they’d changed to operate as businesses instead of unions”. By the time VUWSA withdrew, they were paying around $45,000 a year in membership fees.

According to Parkinson, NZUSA had become structurally unstable, and corrupt. “The role of the President effectively became a power grab… people were using fees to attend conferences overseas rather than helping students”. At the start of 2024, the President of NZUSA resigned with no plans for another election, bringing to light a range of issues within the organisation—including the fact that it hadn’t been financially audited in over seven years.

At the time of VUWSA’s withdrawal, only Lincoln, Massey, and Otago student’s associations remained in NZUSA. At a July meeting in Christchurch, the respective student association Presidents of all eight universities convened to launch a new alternative

student body—the National Presidents’ Council, which is able to appoint a nationwide spokesperson for students. The body also includes the New Zealand Disabled Students’ Association, the New Zealand International Student’s Association, and Te Mana Ākonga.

Parkinson was enthusiastic when asked about the new student body. “It’s really really exciting, and I know that at least I am willing to put in extra hours of groundwork to make it viable”. VUWSA appears to have been crucial to the foundation of the new organisation; Parkinson facilitated the meeting in which the organisation took shape. However, the organisation remains dedicated to upholding equal voices for all students associations, with a rotating chair between each of the separate universities. The national spokesperson will need to be voted on, and will be able to delegate responsibility where someone else might be better suited to do so.

So what does it mean to have a functioning national student body? For Parkinson, it means that one organisation can advocate directly to the Government on behalf of all student’s associations. She points to the work done earlier this year on the University Advisory Group, in which she had individually organised different students associations to lobby for a student voice. With a national body, Parkinson says, this work becomes much easier, and our voice becomes more powerful.

Volunteer Student Membership policies, enacted as ACT Party policy in the early 2010s, have gutted our student unions. In a way, NZUSA was just the final casualty of the anti-student policies of the failed Key government. However, times are changing, and students are increasingly unwilling to sit by and let the Government pass us over. With a new national student body, we are beginning to make steps towards a unified student movement.

We will not be made silent.

Government Rolls Back Anti-Terror Recommendations

WILL IRVINE (HE/HIM)

Last week, Justice Minister Judith Collins announced that the Government would not proceed with the remaining recommendations furnished by the report into the 2019 Christchurch terror attacks. Whilst many of the recommendations have already been fulfilled, largely under the last government, the news signals the frightening prospect that the Government’s austerity policies extend as far as counterterrorism.

Amongst the eight recommendations no longer being pursued by the Government are the development of a new national intelligence agency, the development of an advisory group on counter-terrorism, and the introduction of new hate speech and objectionable content laws that specifically target white supremacy and racial disharmony.

Salient spoke to counterterrorism and white supremacy researcher Hillary (name changed for safety). “The recommendations they’re cutting are the ones that cost money. It just sends the message that they don’t care about violence towards marginalised communities.” She stressed the importance of following through with the measures as a means of signalling that the fight against white supremacist hate is not being given up.

Hillary pointed to Recommendation 12, which establishes an intermediary non-Police actor to allow people to report suspicious behaviour without Police involvement. “People feel bad reporting on someone close to them, so it’s important to have this as an intermediary group... It’s extremely useful in community defence against terrorism.”

Pōneke Student Justice for

Palestine: DIVEST NOW!

HENRY BROADBENT (HE/HIM)

Last week Salient viewed documents revealing a $47,532 investment by the Victoria University Foundation in Israeli Government bonds. The revelation has seen a surge of signatories on an open letter to the University released by Pōneke Student Justice for Palestine (SJP).

The letter demands VuW: divest from the Israeli state, implement a Boycott, Divest, Sanctions policy, and establish scholarships and fellowships for Palestinian students and academics—in the same vein as a 2022 scholarship established for Ukrainian academics.

Salient stands in full support of SJP, and the demands articulated in their letter. Though the ethical case for divestment has never been in question, international bodies are increasingly confirming what Palestinians have been telling them all along—the Israeli state is actively engaged in apartheid, illegal occupation, and genocide.

The evidence behind these claims is appalling in its detail and enormity. There is no room for doubt.

The University was quick to remove on-campus graffiti drawing attention to these investments. If it is truly committed to any of the principles it claims to hold dear, it will not be so eager to ignore the demands of its students.

Ayah Kayed, an SJP organiser, told Salient it is “crucial that we as a student body make it known to these institutions that we will not accept our money being directly tied to apartheid and the genocide of the Palestinian people.”

As it stands, our university is far from a ‘critic and conscience of society’. Currently, it is falling in its ethical obligations, and actively investing in an illegal apartheid and genocide. The question is: will Te Herenga Waka do the bare minimum?

Scan this code to sign the open letter.

Restaurant Closures Leave a Sour Taste; Hope Lingers

ETHAN ROGACION (HE/HIM)

OPINION: Over the last few years, restaurants across Wellington have been shutting up shop—and the death knells seem unending. Concord, another high profile restaurant, recently announced its closure, taking to social media at the start of the month to tell their followers why.

“The current appetite for dining out is understandably low and the city’s hospitality scene is hurting a great deal,” the statement read. “Wellingtonians love their hospitality scene and it must be sad for them not to be able to enjoy it as they have done so in the past … priorities change under [economic] duress and we empathise.”

A “Challenging Time for Hospitality”

From Concord to Monique Fiso’s Hiakai, the hospitality market is strained, and it's not hard to see why. As the cost of living skyrockets and people across the city struggle to put groceries on the table, the cost of eating out is too high for many Wellingtonians.

Steve Armitage, Chief Executive of Hospitality NZ, echoed this sentiment, telling Salient that “It's certainly a challenging time for hospitality … with increased costs and limited household disposable income having a direct impact on operators.”

Lean Into Diversity

The solution to the demise of restaurants in the city is unclear—though change in the hospitality industry is rarely ever a bad thing. As someone whose only hospitality experience is dining out, I do have an idea:

With the demise of long-running institutions like Concord, a swathe of challengers have entered the scene, pushing the case for a greater diversity in Pōneke’s food scene. Places like Babaili Malatang,

Jinweide Beef Noodle, and Kisa have added greatly to the city’s culinary landscape. While well-established places shutting are always a loss to the industry, it also creates room for people to be more experimental: to try something new.

Up in Auckland one of the most influential hospitality groups is David Lee’s Namu, best known for fusion food that combines traditional Korean flavours with Kiwi staples. Last year, in his first foray into Pōneke, Lee opened Crack Chicken, entering a market lacking players in the fusion food market.

Leaning into playing with flavour creatively can only be a good thing. Where there’s creativity afoot, good shit is sure to follow, right? Though, maybe this year’s WOAP offerings are a warning against excess…

So… Where to From Here?

Armitage told Salient that, “While conditions are tough right now, [Hospitality NZ are] confident that hospitality can come out the other side of this downturn thriving.”

“Wellington also has a number of major events to look forward to, including All Blacks tests, Beervana and the World of Wearable Arts which will provide a much-needed boost to many operators ahead of the summer visitor season.”

However, there is undeniably rough sailing ahead. Concord’s advice to people saddened by the decline? “...Visit your favourite bars and restaurants, there are plenty of incredible places in Wellington, some real heroes out there still forging on to help make this city wonderful.”

Whitewashing in the MCU: It Really Isn’t

TEDDY O’NEILL (HE/XE/IT), NGĀPUHI

Surprising Anymore

OPINION: On Saturday the 27th of July, at San Diego Comic Con, Kevin Feige announced that Marvel will once again be casting Robert Downey Junior in a role for the MCU, only this time, it’s not Iron Man. No, instead, Downey will be playing Doctor Doom. This is wrong for a whole catalogue of reasons, but the main one is that once again, Marvel are whitewashing their Romani characters. First it was Pietro and Wanda Maximoff, which broke my heart and subjected my flatmates to a lot of angry rants about Marvel’s casting. Now they’re doing it again, to a character who’s origin story centres on the fact that he was persecuted for being Romani. Don’t believe me? Go read literally any Doom comic book.

Doctor Doom is one of the largest and most impactful villains in the Marvel universe, usually facing off against the Fantastic Four (why is he in an Avengers movie? I just know Marvel’s going to try to justify this casting by using multiverse BS). He’s been portrayed in live action films multiple times now—and they still can’t get the casting right. The oppression that Doom suffered because of his Romani heritage is integral to his character.

Seeing as Romani people are still oppressed to this day, it might be prudent to have the general

public’s first introduction to this character be his actual character and not some random multiverse knock-off, right? This way the public—who don’t know much about comics—won’t think that that’s his actual character, assume he’s white, and hold prejudice against any Romani actor they may bring in in the future because of the nostalgia bait of RDJ playing him first, right?

Oppression of Romani people started in the middle ages, and evolved over time. This history of persecution reached unimaginable heights in the 1940s—Romani people were specifically targeted in the holocaust, alongside Jewish people, Slavs, queer people, people with disabilities, and other minorities. Even now, segregating Romani children in schools is common practice across Europe. The uplifting of Romani children from their families is something which us in Aotearoa can understand, due to Oranga Tamariki’s treatment and uplifting of Māori children.

Romani people deserve representation, and when characters have been created with specific backstories that highlight the mistreatment of oppressed people in mind, you’d hope that when they’re cast in films, the actors playing those characters would at least be the right ethnicity.

I suppose this won’t surprise anyone, though, considering Marvel is owned by Disney, who support the genocide of Palestinian people in Gaza. Plus, they’ve whitewashed a lot of characters before, as I mentioned earlier. Having said I’m not surprised, I will say that I’m shocked they’ve dragged Robert Downey Boomer back out of the geriatric closet, instead of at least casting a new white guy.

It seems that RDJ, tired of blackface (see: Tropic Thunder,) has decided to simply embrace ethnic erasure instead. This with the MCU’s full support, probably because they’re desperate for a cash grab now that the MCU is tanking. Marvel comics fans, I’m truly sorry, and if you were even slightly excited for the X-Men film they announced, I guess you’ve gotta hope and pray they don’t pull this same shit with Nightcrawler.

As for Avengers: Doomsday? Thanks, but I will not be watching.

PICTURED: Robert Downey Jr. returns to the MCU as Doctor Doom. PHOTO: Getty Images for Disney.

Activists call for Te Herenga Waka to “Divest from Genocide”

PHOEBE ROBERTsON (sHE/HER)

On the morning of the 5th of August, Te Herenga Waka's Kelburn campus awoke to “Divest from Genocide” painted on its walls. “Ignoring Genocide”, “Apartheid is Lame” and “Free Gaza” were some of the slogans painted on the campus.

This event follows Salient's report last week that the Victoria University Foundation has $47,000 invested in Israeli government bonds through its fund manager, ANZ Investments. These investments are aiding the ongoing genocide in Gaza. Although the Foundation needs to relocate these bonds by August 2024 due to the closure of the ANZ Investments portfolio, the University has provided Salient with no indication of where the money will be moved.

Less than twenty-four hours after the graffiti appeared, the University had removed the majority; students saw a fleet of cleaners power washing the bricks and scrubbing the concrete and signs.

Salient was granted an interview with one of these activists, who has been kept anonymous. They explained that actions like this send a message to the University: “You need to take us seriously. There is a genocide happening, and your money is funding it. You need to pull out your investments and change that.” They also noted that this wasn’t just a message for the University, but also a call to inform its student base: “This is what our University is doing with its money, and students have a right to know about this.”

They also stated, “A lot of people and students at the University might freak out and say, ‘Oh, this is too far, we’re impacting people,’ but realistically, a bit of paint on the Uni for a day is a drop in the bucket compared to what’s happening in Palestine and has been happening for decades.' They added, 'What this action is meant to do is show the University that the students really care about this, that they’re serious, and that where they put their money matters. They need to make ethical and responsible investments, considering they are supposed to be a ‘critic and conscience of society,’ yet they’re investing in genocidal governments.”

When I brought up that the University had plans to reinvest the money, the activist told me, “That goes back to the fact that there has been decades of this apartheid system in Israel, which is now on a genocidal rampage. Even since October, it’s been ten months, which is ten months too long to make this decision. The Uni Foundation disclosed this information in light of them already changing their investment portfolios because the ANZ investment fund went off the market. That could be seen as them being transparent because they know they’re going to change anyway... It’s too little too late at this point.”

Although the University has not yet released a statement about the graffiti, it is evident that students expect more from Te Herenga Waka.

PICTURED: The words in all caps "divest from genocide" spraypainted on Kelburn campus. PHOTO: Phoebe Robertson.

Kaipara Māori

Ward Disestablishment Sparks Protests

words by Te Huihui o Matariki Chi Huy Tran (he/him) | Taranaki Tūturu, Te iwi o Maruwharanui, Ngāti Maniapoto

OPINION: This government is fucked, tika! In a significant move, the Kaipara District Council has disestablished its Māori ward, and the community's reaction has been intense. Many people saw the Māori ward as a vital part of representing the local Māori population. In response, Te Rūnanga o Ngāti Whātua has stepped in, expressing their frustration and organising protests to voice their opposition. The council’s decision has stirred up a lot of emotions, showing just how important Māori representation is in local governance. This development is a big deal for the Kaipara community, as they work through what this change means for them. The protests and interventions highlight the ongoing fight for fair representation and how much the Māori ward mattered to tangata whenua.

New Zealand Joins U.S. Indo-Pacific Defense Expansion Strategy

words by Ashleigh Putt-Fallows (she/her) | Ngāti Whātua, Ngāpuhi, Tūhoe

New Zealand has quietly joined the U.S. in a new strategy to expand weapons manufacturing across the Indo-Pacific region, endorsing a 'Statement of Principles for IndoPacific Defense Industrial Base Collaboration' in June. This agreement aims to integrate defence industries, enhance resilience, and reduce barriers. It aligns with U.S. efforts to address gaps in military production and leverage allied capabilities. New Zealand’s involvement includes potential participation in Aukus Pillar Two, and cooperation in regional defence frameworks.

Samoa Launches Gun Amnesty to Boost Community Safety

words by Ashleigh Putt-Fallows (she/her) | Ngāti Whātua, Ngāpuhi, Tūhoe

The Samoa Police’s gun amnesty has started this month, from August 1 to September 30, to collect illegal firearms. Following a successful 2021 campaign, this initiative allows individuals to surrender unregistered or illegal weapons without facing prosecution. Participants will receive a grocery voucher upon registering their firearms. The amnesty aims to improve community safety ahead of the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting in October. Deputy Police Commissioner Papali’i Monalisa Tiai-Keti urged full cooperation, warning that illegal weapons found outside the amnesty period will face legal consequences.

Coastal Cannibals: Industry Occupation in Whangārei

words by Te Huihui o Matariki Chi Huy Tran (he/him) | Taranaki Tūturu, Te iwi o Maruwharanui, Ngāti Maniapoto

Ngahuia Harrison’s research, "Coastal Cannibals: Industry Occupation on Whangārei Te Rerenga Parāoa," explores the impact of economic development on indigenous land rights. Completed as part of her Master’s degree at Elam School of Fine Arts and the James Henare Research Centre, Harrison (Ngātiwai, Ngāti Pukenga, Ngāpuhi) combines photography, video, fabric, sculpture, and a written thesis. Her work examines the outcomes and consequences of industrial activities in Whangārei Harbour, a historically significant gathering place for many rangatira and whales. By blending various artistic mediums, Harrison highlights the environmental and social repercussions of industrial development, emphasising the importance of collaborative and creative indigenous research methods. Her approach invites reflection on the balance between progress and preservation.

Pacific Nations & Languages

Last week was ‘Epetoma o te reo Māori Kūki 'Airani—Cook Islands Māori Language Week! It was celebrated from the 4th­10th of August and the theme was: ‘Ātui’ia au ki te vaka o tōku matakeinanga / connect me to the canoe of my tribe’.

Kūki 'Airani—Cook Islands

The Cook Islands, located in the South Pacific Ocean, are known for their lagoons, white-sand beaches, and lush landscapes. There are 15 islands and Rarotonga is the most populated. The Cook Islands are a selfgoverning territory in free association with New Zealand. They enjoy a warm climate year-round and have vibrant coral reefs, making them a popular destination for snorkeling and diving. The local culture is a rich blend of Polynesian traditions, and the islands are renowned for their traditional dance, music, and art. The indigenous people of the islands are Cook Islands Māori who also make up the majority of the population. The official languages are Cook Island Māori/Rarotongan, and English. Pukapukan is also spoken, and is included in the legal definition of Cook Islands Māori. Dialects of Cook Islands Māori include Penrhyn; RakahangaManihiki; the Ngaputoru dialect of Atiu, Mitiaro, and Mauke; the Aitutaki dialect; and the Mangaian dialect.

Cook Island Māori

“Kia pukuru o vaevae e kia mokora o kaki” = To have multiple legs (roots) like the breadfruit tree that holds you grounded and firm, and a neck like a duck that stretches above and below

Speaks to having solid foundations, while being watchful and alert to changes in your surroundings.

Mei tāku ‘īmēre ‘i tuku atu ‘i mua ake... = As per my previous email… ‘E taime ‘akaketaketa kōpapa teia = It‘s time to stretch out the body / It's gym time

Rīngi mai iāku = Ring me

Au ‘Oa = Friends

Kua kaikai koe? ‘Aere mai kaikai = Have you eaten? Come and eat

Pukapukan

Lalotonga = Rarotonga

Limalima = Hurry

Lili = Angry

Kāvatavata = Noise made by snapping tongue

Pōiva = Name of a deified ancestor

Pulu = The calf of the leg

Yāmatangi = Prayer for a fair wind

Lulu = v. to tie up/n. Bundle, village, group, team/n. Name of a taro preparation/n. Name of a bird

The phrases and words above were found in dictionaries and different language resources such as those provided through the Ministry of Pacific Peoples website. The phrase “Kia pukuru o vaevae e kia mokora o kaki” was provided by Kheelan Thompson-Tonga, her Nena and wider whānau.

It’s important to recognise that all cultures and languages are incredibly diverse. There are different dialects within languages, unrecognized languages, and peoples. Polynesia is remarkably spread out across large and small islands and villages; there is an unimaginable amount of culture that simply can’t be fully appreciated with just words. We encourage everyone to be respectful, open minded and always keep learning <3

COOKED, SERVED,

SERVED, ATE

Non-Profit Feeding Aotearoa

Waffle

sadly chewed by Phoebe Robertson (she/her)

Picture this: it's exam season, and you're either revising or rushing to finish an essay worth 60% of your grade. You're hungry and decide to treat yourself to some UberEats. But when you open the app, you notice an influx of unfamiliar restaurants with generic names like 'Pizza Club', 'The Bites Box', 'My Crush', 'The Italian Pasta Store', ‘Dessert Store’, and 'Signature Steak House'. A quick Google search of their addresses reveals either different names or generic office buildings. They all seem to sell the same cheesecake for dessert. What's going on?

Google defines a ghost kitchen as ‘a business, operating from low-rent or non-commercial premises, that prepares food ordered online for delivery directly to customers’. Unlike traditional restaurants, ghost kitchens have no dining area or storefront and exist solely to fulfil online orders through platforms like Uber Eats, DoorDash, or Grubhub. For this article, I'm expanding the definition to include kitchens operating out of existing restaurants but under different names on UberEats. These crafty setups can easily trick an unsuspecting, hungry student.

Okay, but this might seem abstract—can you give me a specific example? I'm glad you asked. Let's look at Mr Beast. Remember in 2020 when he launched a burger chain and everyone went wild? What many people didn't realise was that it was a

'virtual restaurant'. Like ghost kitchens, it had no physical address. Instead, you could order a MrBeast Burger through a food delivery app, and it would be prepared at various kitchens and food trucks across America and delivered to you.

So, what's the issue? For Mr Beast, it was a costly one. In 2023, Jimmy Donaldson (aka Mr Beast) sued Virtual Dining Concepts, the company behind MrBeast Burgers, for breach of contract. Donaldson claimed the chain failed to maintain the quality he expected and that they trademarked 'MrBeast' without his knowledge, costing him money. Virtual Dining’s lawyers dismissed these claims, arguing that Donaldson just wanted out of his contract and had recently tried to negotiate a new one. While the case is pending, thousands of YouTube videos, social

Donaldson's reputation. [Update: looks like he's doing a good job of this himself.]

An issue with ghost kitchens is the lack of quality control. While inspectors might check the kitchen annually for cleanliness and fair labour practices, you can't physically visit the store, look at the menu, or see the place. There's no awkward walk-by to peer into the windows and see what others have ordered or if anyone is even there. Instead, you're relying on generic, possibly AI-generated pictures on UberEats that may not represent the actual food you'll receive.

It's worth noting that many ghost kitchen restaurants on UberEats prepare their food in the same kitchen. This is done because ghost kitchens have lower overhead costs and higher profitability than regular kitchens. Why have one listing on UberEats when you can have several, increasing the chances of someone clicking on your listing? For example, UberEats lists both 'The Waffle Store', ‘Fusion Fries’ and 'The Italian Pasta Store' at 25 Courtenay Place. Do you know what else is located at 25 Courtenay Place? 'Wellington Midnight Munchies.'

So, I decided to test this theory. All four of these kitchens sell a caramel waffle for the exact same price: $19.99. Proving that no one should trust me with adult money, I bought a caramel waffle from each business

I should now mention that Covid-19 has ruined my palate, making sweet foods taste overwhelmingly sweet and revolting. So, I brought in Salient’s favourite food reviewer, Stephen Woods, to help with the taste test. I loaded up UberEats, ordered the waffles, and waited for them to arrive.

Uber drivers got hopelessly lost trying to find my address, and Stephen had to brave a very cold night to get them. The Olympics were on the television, and as we sat on the couch staring at the waffles, Stephen whispered, “This is my own personal Olympics.” And it was.

My first bite was horrifically undercooked, and I spent the next twenty minutes battling through a single waffle while Stephen polished off four—one from each business. We both agreed this felt like food drop shipping. Stephen noted, “Never has $30 tasted so bad. I could have eaten a $20 and $10 note, and it would have tasted better.”

I have never eaten waffles this bad in my life. I don’t even believe they were caramel waffles; there were chunks in the sauce. If I had to guess, I’d say hokey

PICTURED: Various waffles from "various businesses". PHOTO: Phoebe Robertson.

pokey, but on reflection, they might have just burned the caramel sauce. I don’t believe any of this was homemade, so ultimately, it was just a horrible experience.

But Phoebe, maybe this is a one-off by Big Waffle. Actually, no. Have you seen Romans Kitchen trending online? I can't seem to go a day without it popping up on TikTok, with Wellingtonians trying their $10 pasta, ordered through a screen and served in a disposable container. While the kitchen itself isn’t a ghost kitchen, its UberEats address is listed as something else. Do you think it’s another pasta store or maybe something Italian-based? Perhaps they also have desserts?

Well, no. They sell steaks on UberEats. ‘Romans Kitchen’ is located at 245 Cuba Street, the same address where Uber Eats lists ‘Signature Steak House’. Since you can't buy a steak from the Romans Kitchen menu, I’m classifying it as a ghost kitchen.

I don’t eat steak, so I got our office's resident carnivore and gym bro, Will Irvine, to try it. He likes his steak medium rare, so that’s what we ordered. What we received was the most well-done steak I've ever seen. There was no red anywhere. The eggs were also badly cooked, with the yolks popped and overcooked. Everyone knows a runny yolk is the best part, but I guess we didn’t clarify this in the order notes.

While ordering, I realised that ‘Crazy Cheesecake’ also operates from 245 Cuba Street. So, I bought an Oreo Cheesecake from ‘Signature SteakHouse’ for $12.00 and another from ‘Crazy Cheesecake’ for $9.66 (usually $13.80). Someone not paying attention might think these cheesecakes come from two separate places, but they have the same address on UberEats. I ended up spending over $20 on two identical cheesecakes.

[Editor's note: in the time this article took to put together, five more restaurants opened on Ubereats all with the same address of 245 Cuba Street: ‘Steak on Pasta’, ‘Pasta Italiana’, ‘Pasta Italiana2’, ‘Milano Pasta & Steak’, ‘All about loaded Fries’. No, I did not order from them because I ran out of money. Yes, they all sold the same cheesecake.]

When the items arrived, they looked identical, with the same packaging. The only difference was the order slip from ‘Crazy Cheesecake’, which amusingly read ‘Crazy Cheesecake - Garlic’. Unfortunately, the cheesecake tasted like nothing but Oreo crumbs. Henry and I found the texture so spongy that it was compared to a couch cushion. Despite this, Teddy ate his whole cheesecake, and Jia and Will finished the other one. They only liked them because they were free; none thought they were worth paying for. About five minutes after eating, Teddy felt like he’d “eaten a tupperware full of asbestos… I might die.”

As for the steak, Will rated it 3/10 but gave the entire meal a 5.5/10 due to the mushroom sauce, which was cold—not just from transport, but never heated in the first place.

So, what’s the takeaway? This article aims to inform readers about where their food comes from. Ghost kitchens aren’t inherently immoral, but listing under multiple names and charging high prices for poor-quality food is sleazy and unethical. If you're craving a caramel waffle, skip the ghost kitchens and buy a $19.00 mini waffle maker from Kmart. Your wallet (and stomach) will thank you.

PICTURED: Will tasting a very well done fried egg upon a very well done steak. PHOTO: Phoebe Robertson.

PICTURED: Oreo cheesecakes along with the infamous steak and egg meal. PHOTO: Phoebe Robertson.

POTATO³

words, and cooking, by Jay Lee-Guard (they/he)

Potatoes. We know ‘em, we love ‘em, we eat ‘em. You know the drill. Beyond the basics like mashed or roasted, there are so many ways to cook them—but is it worth it to deviate from the classics? I did the extremely hard work of making (and eating) a bunch of Fancy Potato Recipes to find out.

The Recipe: Fondant Potatoes

Whose Version Specifically: Sam Mannering (a Kiwi chef!)

What Makes Them Fancy: The cutting, the frying, the sauce AND the oven time. Also, the name.

When the recipe says large potatoes, it really means wide and circular, so that you can cut them with the circular cutter you definitely have. I didn’t want to waste potatoes, so most of mine were neat cubes. Sorry, Sam. You do need a pan you can whack in the oven, which could be an issue, but the cooking itself is pretty simple! Chuck them in a pan, leave them alone, flip them, leave them alone, throw some butter, garlic and thyme in, leave them alone, before adding enough stock to submerge the potatoes halfway, putting them in the oven and (you guessed it) leaving them alone until they’re done.

The Verdict: Delicious! I found them really quick to make, and it’s fairly tricky to majorly fuck up. I made enough for three people, and ate them all in one sitting —except for one, which I left so I could check if it reheated okay. Somehow microwaving it the next day made it better? Absolutely would cook again.

The Recipe: Potato Gratin

Whose Version Specifically: foodandwine.com

What Makes Them Fancy: Layers and layers of potato, with seasoning and sauce in between. The name is French as well, so bonus points for that.

If you didn’t have a mandolin—or a food processor with a fancy attachment— cutting all of these thin enough by hand would be hell. The stock mixture is easy to make (chop up a shallot, fry it, chuck in some herbs before leaving the stock to simmer for half an hour), but also easy to forget about on the stove if you’re as absent minded as myself. Layering all the potato slices was lowkey a meditative experience for me, and pairs best with a podcast or music.

The Verdict: While it’s definitely best right out of the oven, this was honestly a pretty good meal! It tastes a little plain even with additional stock/seasoning, but it’s soft and tasty and knows its place as a side dish to something greater. If you invite me to a potluck, I might make this for you if you’re really nice.

The Recipe: 15-Hour Fried Potato

Whose Version Specifically: The OG herself, Poppy O’Toole of poppycooks. com

What Makes Them Fancy: I mean the layers, the cooking, the freezing, the frying—not to mention the TIME?

Again, hand-cutting the potatoes for this would be a nightmare. So was finding space in my freezer to store this, but that might be a me problem. The beef dripping sets outrageously quick, and fishing the potato out of it to layer it was hell, even with tongs. Also, it’s so easy to forget this in the oven since it needs to cook for two to three hours. My microwave timer doesn’t even go that long.

The Verdict: If you want good fried potatoes, go to a fish and chip shop. If you want a fun weekend activity, make this! Is it tasty? Yes. Are all fried potato dishes tasty? Yes. Are the layers impressive though? Also yes. No chance I’m making this again, but mad respect to Poppy for creating something so insane.

The Off Menu Menus

Teddy O'Neill (he/it/they, Ngāpuhi) and Kate Seager (she/her)

Episode 116: Bob Mortimer

Taking the hot cheese of chat and pouring it over the nachos of humour, Bob chooses to picture Genie-James topless and wearing football shorts and blue cowboy boots within seconds of his entrance, so you know it’s off to a great start. Truly a man after my own heart, Bob describes his starter as soft, floppy, salty and delicious: the humble Odeon hotdog. He’d like to have his bread course in the 60’s, then the starter course three years later, so that Bob can keep track of the couples in the restaurant and get invested in the drama. Wait, is this Off Menu or Love Island? Regardless, this episode slaps. Teddy O'Neill

Episode 23: Dynamo

The Magic Man himself. The first magician on the Off Menu podcast provides an episode to ease you in: it’s chill, it’s where the rumours about the River Thames really started, and Dynamo the magician is there talking about his dream meal, which includes giant yorkshire puddings filled with corned beef hash made by his grandma, who may or may not also be James Acaster. Really, his menu reflects the pub food lover in all of us. They also answer the age old question: did falling into the River Thames cure or cause Ed’s type one diabetes? Teddy O'Neill

Episode 185: Florence Pugh

Deep and sumptuous is how you’d describe Miss Pugh’s menu, and her voice. MY GOD what a joy it is to listen to. Florence’s menu is one for foodies and hospo workers, as she deep dives into life growing up with a restaurant owner for a dad—hardly surprising as she describes each dish with such detail to the point of specifying the arrangement of food on the plate. Listeners will be pleasantly surprised to know that James tries (and fails) to bring up Midsommar, leading to a twenty minute discussion of the ins and outs of Florence’s experience on set. For first time listeners this episode is exactly what you would expect from Off Menu. Three Michelin stars, would highly recommend. Kate Seager

Episode 119: Jamie Oliver

Jamie Oliver, renowned chef and one of the UK’s foodie darlings. How can you not want to hear two comedians annoying him into telling them his dream menu? They talk for an unbelievable amount of time about underwear, but honestly it’s still great to listen to. Upon the ceremonious question, POPPADOMS OR BREAD? it’s revealed that Jamie has brought them a plate of different poppadoms to chow down on, (listen with caution: the crunching is loud.) Jamie’s meal sounds delicious, and it’s a fun, upbeat episode with actual food knowledge included, for once! Teddy O'Neill

Episode 103: Bimini Bon Boulash

Remember that time in lockdown when we made margaritas in the sunny back garden and ladled it into each other’s mouths in place of shot glasses? No? Just me, and apparently Bimini Bon Boulash. When asked the question “POPPADOMS OR BREAD?” not only was Bimini’s menu the first to suggest raw bread dough and make it sound delicious, but she curated an entirely vegan menu I would gladly ladle into my gob every day of the week. Bimini talks of the cooking and eating habits of her mother (Heather) and boyfriend (Stefano), as well as providing restaurant recommendations I will be trying during Euro summer this time next year. Still not convinced? All I can say to that is: UK hun? Kate Seager

Episode 235: Amelia Dimoldenberg (Live in Manchester)

You know her, you love her, but this is no Chicken Shop Date. Rather, it’s a live episode where Ed watches patiently as Amelia and James’ personalities gel like “two kids meeting for the first time”. Amelia is a woman after my own heart: she eats two breakfasts (one of which is a "smooth bagel" with Lurpak butter), her dream water is from her grandparent’s shower, and her McDonald’s order is a Happy Meal with four chicken nuggets and chips, and has a designated drawer for the toy. I didn’t particularly enjoy the chaos of this episode—but what else have we come to expect from Amelia Dimoldenberg? Kate Seager

Episode 42: Greg Davies

If you know me you know that I love a Christmas Special, and boy oh boy do the Off Menu lads pull it off. “Who the fuck are you? Who made you Doctor Shatter?” Greg cries, as Ed suggests shattering his poppadoms rather than breaking off pieces, before saying that anyone who orders a starter is just as rude as those who shatter poppadoms. The Jolly Green Taskmaster Giant himself is the first in the series to pass on not only one course but two, deliberately skipping out on a starter and a side. This surprises no one as Greg, notoriously not a food boy, provides a detailed description of his medium-done steak fillet main course, and yes he WILL LEAVE THE RESTAURANT if anyone dares to disapprove of his steak’s doneness. Teddy O'Neill

Episode 237: Lucy Beaumont (Live in Manchester)

I’m no Brit but “since they’ve had a Tory government in power the gravy has got worse”. Well, that’s according to Northern comedian Lucy Beaumont. Why, you may ask, has gravy been on a steady decline since David Cameron’s big win? : “Because gravy is love”. This b-b-b-bonus live episode of Off Menu takes listeners on a journey through “deep savoury flavours”, mini yorkshire puddings filled with cottage pie (don’t mind if I do), and possibly the best story involving a horse you’ve ever heard. Although Lucy’s episode takes my second to top spot for the horse story alone, I’d recommend taking a lie down immediately after listening—it’s quite a ride. Kate Seager

Episode 225: Susan Wakoma (Live in Bristol)

Ed, James and Susan walk into a bar. Susan wears a white veil, multiple rings on each finger and mourns the death of her five husbands (one of which fell off a boat proclaiming his love of lemons). Ed pretends to be the mother of one of Susan’s ex boyfriends. James has a scruffy little beard. After dining on many oysters, many plates of truffle pasta, and many portions the worst side dish ever, they exclaim to an overworked and underpaid bartender: “Give me something that’s gonna wake me up and fuck me up.” If you listen to one episode on this list it has to be this. The Off Menu menu of Susan Wakoma is my all time favourite—not for the menu, not for the ex-boyfriend anecdotes (of which there are many), but for the best reaction to “POPPADOMS OR BREAD?!” in the history of the podcast. What a treat. Kate Seager

Episode 229: Sam Campbell (Live in Nottingham)

Picture a thirty-two year old man wearing a shirt that says FOOD LOVER, and a red crash helmet. Atop the helmet is an upright fork, with a vegetarian sausage skewered onto it. This is Sam Campbell, my favourite comedian. Sam’s menu is an actual trip; from getting into sparkling water via the Sydney library who apparently give it out for free, to a main course of Biangbiang noodles, (“ It's just the longest noodle you've ever seen. So, when you see a bowl of this stuff you're like, 'Oh, there's probably 40 noodles in there.' There's, like, three.”) They talk Portino, they talk pickleball, and Sam provides a guided meditation to describe what a pikelet is. Sam also has to tell the boys what Shapes are, because apparently no-one in the UK has ever had the delicacy that is Chicken Crimpy. This episode takes the cake—or rather, the sponge roll—for me, but I will say one thing: you will probably have no idea what’s going on the whole time, (in the best way possible.) Teddy O'Neill

Honourable Muchons

Ep. 4: Nish Kumar; Ep. 231: Iain Stirling; Ep. 109: Nicola Coughlan; Ep. 241: Mike Wozniak, Ep. 245: Tommy Tiernan, Ep. 227: John Robins, Ep. 226: Noel Fielding; Ep. 5: Aisling Bea; Ep. 62: Ivo Graham; Ep. 176: Paul Mescal; Ep. 85: Jo Brand; Ep. 95: Rosie Jones; Ep. 100; Ep. 200.

INGREDIENTS: DIRECTIONS:

• Saba bananas, cut in halves (1)

• Springroll wrappers

• Brown sugar

• Water

• Oil for frying

We’re eyeballing this.

The last 4 ingedients are dependent on the amount of bananas

you’re having.(2)

Preparation

01. Prep your station; fill a bowl with brown sugar and another with water. Prepare two big plates; for construction one for finished turons.

02 Make sure the springroll wrappers are defrosted and carefully seperate each individual sheet. Create a stack on a plate.

Construction

03. On your construction plate, Place a spring roll wrapper.

04. Roll a banana piece in the brown sugar. Wrap as per the images above.

05. Once the banana is rolled over to the middle, dip a finger in the water to moisten the edges then finishing rolling it up to seal.

Cooking

06. Prepare a medium to large sized pan for deep frying. Once the oil is ready, place your rolled up turons.

08. Watch over them like a proud parent while frying, occassionaly flipping over till all sides are a beautiful golden brown. Put aside.

09. Optional: working quickly, add brown sugar into the pan and return the turon, occassionally flipping so all sides are glazed. Do this for just about a minute otherwise the sugar will burn and you will be a sad parent.

10. Let cool then serve! (3)

↑

Image Credit: Maryanne

TURON

This merienda (snack) is sweet yet savoury and crunchy yet melts in your mouth. It has been a few of my friends’ introduction to Filipino food. Turon is an absolute crowdpleaser that’s easy to make for the next flat dinner or bring to your next potluck.

NOTES:

(1) These are a type of Filipino bananas but usually any frozen bananas from your local Asian supermarket works. No grocery cavendish bananas. It won’t be the same!

(2) You can work to your preferred ratios or sizes. Feel free to cut the bananas in quarters or adding more sugar next to the banana before you roll it.

(3) You don’t have to fry them all at once, you can freeze them in a tightly sealed container.

About this week's Artist

This week's centrefold was made by Gia Espelita (she/her). Gia is a Manila raised, Poneke based graphic designer and recent graduate. For her honours project, she wrote and designed A Seat at the Table, a book that celebrates the experiences of young Filipino migrants through conversations centred on food, memory and identity. Currently, she is the designer for the New Zealand Portrait Gallery and working on a publication for the Asian Aotearoa Arts Hui. You can find more of Gia's work @giaespdesign

Don’t just let that one guy in your tutorial have the last word.

this energy to your next quiz night.

Bird of the Year Mātātā

In Collaboration with Forest and Bird words by Jasmine Starr, (she/her)

Stoic. Mysterious. Gloriously eyebrowed. A peculiar, handsome stranger, with great posture and immaculate tail feathers. The definition of style and sophistication.

In every photograph, it’s dark eyes probe deep into your soul, planting a thought deep into your mind: “Stop scrolling past the Mātātā when you vote for Bird of the Year!” This suave songbird has many other monikers, from Fernbird to Mātā, Koroātito to Kōtātā. But, this year, these poised perchers demand a new title: Winner.

The mātātā may be ‘another itty-bitty brown bird’, but they are far from boring. They are coloured dozens of shades of light, dark and reddish brown, with dark speckles that help them blend in with brush and leaf litter. Their magnificently long tail feathers measure a whopping nine centimetres on average, half the total length of their body. Mātātā weigh only around 35 grams, a little less than a typical slice of bread. In spite of their small size, their energy is anything but lacking.

Despite the calm finesse displayed in photographs, the mātātā’s movements are far from stoic. They can barely sit still, hopping and twitching just like pīwakawaka. These majestic birds are also impressively bad flyers, flapping about madly with their tail pointing straight towards the ground. Mātātā prefer to hop, scuttle and crash through the dense underbrush. They are curious creatures, infamous for poking their heads out of the foliage to inspect researchers.

Mātātā are insectivores, feeding on various types of insects and small invertebrates found beneath the ground cover. They can often be seen picking up leaves with one foot, curiously examining the underside to find tiny critters for their next meal. Mātātā eat anything from caterpillars to small spiders to moths. Some southern subspecies will eat blowflies off the backs of sleeping sea lions!

These songbirds are well-known for their distinct ‘clicking’ call, like two rocks smacking together repeatedly. In fact, it sounds so similar that if you click rocks against each other, nearby mātātā will pop their heads out to investigate. They have a multitude of calls, from a shrill squeak, to a lower kew-whit, to a scrabbling chirp that sounds like said rocks, if the rocks were able to scream every time they were hit together.

Different subspecies of mātātā can be found in predatorfree pockets around New Zealand, wherever introduced threats can’t reach them. They can live anywhere with dense, low underbrush and suitable living conditions— wetlands, estuaries, or dry shrubland—that provides excellent protection from natural predators. Mātātā are common in nature reserves such as Waikanae Estuary, as well as islands with effective invasive predator control, such as Aotea (Great Barrier Island), the Open Bay Islands, Tītī (Muttonbird Island), and Tini Heke (the Snares Islands). They also live on Rakiura (Stewart Island)

Skirmish on the High Seas

The Battle for Cook Strait Culinary Supremacy

CHOWED DOWN BY ETHAN ROGACION (HE/HIM), WITH HELP FROM KATE SEAGER (SHE/HER) AND MAUATUA FA’ARA-REYNOLDS (SHE/HER)

It’s that time of year again—Wellington on a Plate is back! And with that comes the annual return of Burger Wellington, the competition where Pōneke’s most inventive chefs battle it out for the right to say that their burger is in fact the most burger in all the land.

But, as it happens, the sandwich skirmish isn’t restricted to ye landlubbers! Yo ho, me hearties: both Interislander and Bluebridge have thrown their sailor’s hats into the ring. This year, the theme for the competition is “Play With Your Food”, so I—along with two of Salient’s most enthusiastic burger enjoyers—hopped aboard to check out what our two biggest passenger ferries have on offer.

Interislander: Boaty McBoatface ($23)

Ok, well not exactly on board: we had Interislander’s offering at their production kitchen instead of going onto the Aratere or any of their other ships. Though given… recent events, that may be a good thing. I can’t exactly afford to run aground in Picton.

But no issues with Boaty McBoatface, which I can only imagine is the name for the incredibly cute, little cardboard boat guy that the burger comes in. To be completely frank, a lot of what drew us to Interislander’s offering was Mr. McBoatface—I mean, how can you resist what is in essence a grown-up kids meal! No toy with this one though, I’m afraid.

However, while Interislander may lack in that respect, they most certainly do not lack in terms of flavour. This burger offering is astonishingly good. The culinary masterminds behind Mr. McBoatface made a point of ensuring that the ingredients used in its construction are locally sourced. From a soft and pillowy Dough Bakery bun and Pickle and Pie pickles to Kāpiti cheese and watercress harvested in the Wairarapa, this burg’s got it all!

The watercress was really the star of the show. We were initially sceptical when offered this by the Interislander’s chef—deeply spicy and mustardy, how could this possibly work? Oh boy were we wrong. The watercress complemented the umami flavours of the thicc beef patty beautifully. And the interplay between the tartness of Boaty’s pickles with the richness of the jalapeno mayonnaise that underscored the whole dish? Sensational.

Boaty McBoatface is available on select Interislander ferry sailings, as well as at a pop-up burger caravan outside Wellington Station.

Bluebridge - Captain Macaroni ($22)

Listen—I know that it looks like that. But you’ve gotta remember that the theme this year is “Play With Your Food”, and you certainly cannot deny that having Captain Macaroni was a tactile experience! We were invited on board Bluebridge’s Strait Feronia, and put to the task of figuring out how one is meant to wrap a human mouth around this behemoth.

The star of the show—in terms of both Bluebridge’s advertising and it being the Largest Thing I’ve ever seen on a burger—was the deep-fried mac & cheese patty. It was, I’ve gotta say, pretty good! I’d gladly buy a pack of those and chuck them in my freezer any day. However, it was sort of overwhelmed by all the other elements on the burger: what seemed like a whole garden salad, salsa (??), a gravy boat (???). While interplay was Mr. McBoatface’s forte, Mr. Macaroni’s elements combined struggled along.

However! I do think that, all things considered, this is still very much a burger worth trying. I mean, you really can’t get more value for money than a burger that is about the size of your own face—who needs to eat more than one meal when you’re chowing down on this guy? A meal for a week, not a meal for the weak.

Captain Macaroni is available onboard Bluebridge sailings.

Present this coupon at Interislander's Pop-Up Burger Caravan for a cheap and tasty meal!

Joy in the Mundane

A Love Letter to Pōneke’s Cheese Scones

WORDS BY ETHAN ROGACION (HE/HIM)

I don’t really eat breakfast. I find it dull, boring, and insubstantial compared to the excitement that comes with lunch. Really, who cares about cereal and yoghurt or whatever, if just a few hours later I know that I’ll be rewarding myself for not falling asleep in lectures by buying a 6-inch sub of the day from Subway! Stuffed with every vegetable, of course, other than the clearly objectionable tomatoes and cucumbers (sorry, I am a hater through and through).

Obviously, I know that I really SHOULD be eating breakfast: I always feel less like death in a 9:30am tort law lecture if I've at least had some toast beforehand. Shocking, I know.

But because of my opposition to breakfast, I’ve come to really deeply enjoy a good morning tea—a little pastry and a little cup of coffee. Some amongst you might say, “But Ethan, you’ve literally just described breakfast, maybe just a couple hours later.” To that I’d reply, with the utmost respect: shut your mouth.

King amongst the cafe cabinet staples is the cheese scone. Hearty, buttery, and with a sharp kick of toasted cheese, I truly don’t think there’s a more quintessentially Wellingtonian Little Treat than a cheese scone. If you’ve just made the unfortunate connection and realised that I’m the guy that occasionally reviews cheese scones on TikTok for fun, because apparently I have nothing better to be doing, my sincerest condolences.

Because of this, though, I’ve developed a talent (curse?) for sniffing out this city’s best cheese scone offerings. Here are some of my favourites.

Arobake

Have I ever mentioned that I flat in Aro Valley? I simply don’t think that I talk about it enough—because I do. In my view, Arobake is undoubtedly the Valley’s premier export; no offence intended to Garage Project, the makers of the finest pickle flavoured beer in the country. From the best sausage rolls in the city, to their really good cakes and pastries, having Arobake down the road from me has helped me forget that I live in an objective shithole of a flat.

Enter the Arobake cheese scone, a cheap, reliable and accessible alternative to the seemingly inescapable infatuation that places in this city have for gigantic, accoutremented-up scones. Ringing up at just $3.50, this is definitely one of the most affordable Little Treats you can get—great for this student’s wallet and stomach. Served alongside a heaping helping of butter, this scone has a rich, savoury cheesy flavour that I found incredibly satisfying. The thing that I really enjoy about the Arobake scone is its simplicity: it really ought to be a staple of any freezing uni student’s diet.

Te Awe Library

As a recovering Aucklander, the thing that I miss the most about the city of sails (and of getting stuck in traffic… and of people with no sidewalk courtesy) is its wealth of Koreanfusion food. Just about any cafe or bistro worth its salt in Tāmaki Makaurau is bound to have kimchi or gochujang somewhere on its menu. I’ve found Pōneke, for its love of gourmet sandwiches and other such brunch foods, seriously lacking in that respect.

The cafe at Te Awe Library on Brandon St makes up for it. Nestled in a warmly decorated corner of the library, away from screaming toddlers, the cafe is home to a brilliant kimchi cheese scone. With a pleasant cheese flavour, just the right amount of butteriness, underscored by the tart and spice of the kimchi, this scone is bound to sit well with anyone. Even if you still haven’t come around to kimchi (which, if so, you really should), I’m certain you’ll find this scone hard to hate.

New World Willis St

Okay hear me out—I know it might seem a bit goofy to include a grocery cheese scone in my definitive list of Pōneke’s best but… goddamn. You simply have to try this, I tell you. One of the best parts of this scone, I think, is the fact that it forces you to prepare it yourself. I mean, at least I assume so: I am much too scared to even ask the lovely bakery folks if they would heat it for me.

Personally, I buy a couple scones, take them back to my shitty little flat, and heat one up in the air fryer for a couple of minutes. There’s something at least a little bit amusing about biting into the luxuriously crisp and decadence of the New World cheese scone, in a room full of furniture that is falling apart at the seams, where the warmest thing present is the scone. A bit of faux decadence never hurt anyone.

Will These Dog Treats Get My

written by Phoebe Robertson (she/her) | tasted by Stephen Woods (he/him), Guy van Egmond (he/him)

I’ve just adopted a puppy named Ducky. Despite my best efforts, no dog treats have convinced her that pissing outside is better than pissing on the carpet. Inspired by a Spinoff article where author Asia Martusia King tried dog food, I decided to conduct my own experiment. I enlisted my two best pals, Stephen Woods and Guy van Egmond, to taste test a variety of dog treats and see if any of them would convince them to piss outside. Here's how it went...

Duck Tenders

Guy and Stephen thought the duck tenders were overhyped in the Spinoff article, but they agreed they’d eat a second one. Guy commented, "This is what I want when I buy jerky," while Stephen added, "Good chew... The flavour is a little doggy. Develops into more of a dog flavour than a meat flavour." They both finished their portions and even ate more. Ducky disagreed, and didn't touch hers.

Tenderloins (Golden)

Guy and Stephen had mixed feelings about the tenderloins. Guy remarked, "Hard plastic. When I used to chew on Lego... Takes me back to when I was four years old. There's a bit of goo in it, if you really chew it." Stephen: "I think I'm going to chip a tooth. It tastes like the rib bit of ribs." Both found the texture strange, but intriguing. Guy noted, "I don"t hate it, but it doesn"t taste like anything... It kind of tastes like you’re eating a bone. It’s not disgusting at all; it's a mouthfeel thing. If this was an alternative to brushing your teeth, I’d be so down for it.. "If it was socially acceptable, I'd get this for lectures.” This was ruined for Guy when Stephen said the texture is “kind of like pus when it gets soft.”

Dried Beef Lung

Stephen and Guy were not fans of the dried beef lung. Guy said, "Smells like something you'd make roads out of... Tastes like Year 13 camp just-add-water freeze-dried meals. Tastes exactly like beef stroganoff. I'm glad that I now know what beef lung tastes like." Stephen added, "Smells like a pet store... I do not want to swallow this one." Despite their initial reactions, they both agreed it got better as they ate it, and they both swallowed it.

Jimbo’s Beef and Bone Marrow

Jimbo’s dog food (cooked for Stephen and Guy, raw for Ducky) received lukewarm reactions. Stephen commented, "Smells like a gamey hamburger patty." Guy found it "quite tasteless, to be honest," and Stephen elaborated, "It’s a really shit hamburger... Not offensive in any way. Hamburger that you know meat has gone into... Has some gusto in it." Both finished it, but their enthusiasm was limited. Stephen concluded, "If I went to someone’s house and they made a hamburger with that, I'd just think they made a really shit hamburger."

Results:

• Guy would piss outside for a duck tender.

• So would Stephen.

• Ducky would not piss outside for a duck tender.

Results:

• Guy: It's something to do while you’re pissing.

• Stephen: In the same way you'd have a toothpick or straw in your mouth, you'd have this.

• Ducky wouldn't piss outside but loved to chew on it and not piss. Later, she enjoyed chewing on it so much she pissed on the couch (and Guy). Even when pissing, she did not stop chewing.

Results:

• Guy and Stephen would not piss outside for it.

• It’s the only thing that Ducky will piss outside for.

Results:

• Guy: No.

• Stephen: Depends on the context. If he had no other meat to choose from, he would piss outside for it. If he was on a desert island, he would piss everywhere for it.

• Ducky frequently pisses inside after eating it.

My Friends to Piss Outside?

Pureed Pumpkin (Frozen then Unfrozen)

The pureed pumpkin had a divisive texture. Stephen noted, "I do not like the texture... Watery around it, then the actual pumpkin is weirdly dry. When you swallow some of the water, it's really nice."

Vitapet Veggie Sticks

The Vitapet veggie sticks did not impress. Guy observed, "Smells very doggy, but that might just be my fingers." Stephen questioned, "Why is it so sweet?" Guy described it as "kind of almost marshmallowy at first... It's really bouncy." Stephen found it tasted like baby food, while Guy thought it was "a brittle marshmallow that a dog has slept on."

Raw Egg

For the record, I was going to cook the egg, but the boys insisted on eating it raw because that’s how Ducky eats it. Stephen described it as "eggy, creamy, tastes like a soft-boiled egg. Totally fine." Guy even went back for a second spoonful.

Dried Venison Skin

The venison skin had a unique appeal. Stephen noted, "It looks like a shoehorn; there's a bit of sinew sticking out the end of it." Guy described it as "smokey leather... Like I'm chewing on a really old shoelace that's been dipped in barbecue." Stephen went back for more, adding, "Smokiness is great... Really liked that one." Stephen preferred it over the tenderloin, while Guy preferred the tenderloin.

Dog Cookies

The dog cookies were well-received. Stephen said, "Smell pretty fucking good, actually." Guy noted, "Really dry. Flavour is really not strong. What I imagine Scooby snacks taste like." Both would piss outside for them. Stephen ate a second one, and Guy grabbed more of the duck tenders. Stephen concluded, "I'd eat a handful of these in a bowl outside. Could serve the little ones with a coffee at a café."

Results:

• Both would piss outside for this.

• Ducky would shit outside for the pumpkin.

Results:

• Guy would piss outside for it.

• Stephen would not.

• Ducky wouldn't touch it.

Results:

• Guy wouldn’t piss outside for it.

• Stephen would piss outside for it.

• Ducky would piss outside for it.

Results:

• Both would piss outside for this.

• Ducky would not.

Results:

• Both would piss outside for this.

• Ducky would not. She made a big mess.

Closing Thoughts: Guy summed it up: "I was pissing outside more than I was expecting." Stephen added, "But also... We're men."

In the end, while Guy and Stephen found some treats that would encourage them to piss outside, Ducky remained unconvinced. The quest for the perfect dog treat continues.

Conversations with Strangers

words by Abby Saywell (she/her)

I remember moving to Wellington for university, realising the last time I had to make friends was when I was five years old. Asking my fellow students if they wanted to play tag or make a mud potion wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Maybe we could still bond over Lego though?

Anyone who’s ever moved anywhere new—whether it be for your studies, a new job, or a relationship—knows this exact fear and has probably asked themselves the same question: “How do I even talk to a stranger?”

Unsurprisingly, shyness and social anxiety do complicate the situation, creating a fear of talking to strangers. If you’re shy, you’ll probably think a stranger didn’t enjoy talking to you, even if you had a good time talking to them. But this seems to be one big misunderstanding: research shows that having a conversation with a stranger is consistently enjoyable, regardless of who initiated the interaction. Of course, it’s inevitable that some people just won’t want to talk to you. As Joe Keohane writes in his book, The Power of Strangers, “They might be tired, distracted, or prejudiced, or just private. It’s okay. Move on.” Luckily, there are plenty of strangers to go around!

Okay, so you’ve set foot outside of your bedroom. Now what? Well, hear me out, because my first tip is to put your phone in your pocket. Mindlessly staring at your phone is a classic strategy to prevent anyone from talking to you in public. In fact, half of 18-29 year olds report using their phone to avoid interacting with other people—and those stats are from nearly ten years ago. If you want people to approach you, you first have to make yourself approachable. This starts with eye contact, meaning your eyes need to be readily available. If you can make eye contact with someone, chances are they’ll think you seem likeable and open for a chat.

When you find someone to talk to, start the conversation by trying to find something in common. “That small commonality works as a little bond,” says Keohane. The more obscure this commonality is, the more

this little bond can grow. You could start off with something safe like the weather, guaranteed to be relevant to anyone sitting right next to you. Other top-hits for first-year uni students include: What are you studying? Are you in a hall? Where are you from? Isn’t this hall food disgusting? Once you’ve got the ball rolling, just follow your curiosity. New Zealand is small; soon enough you’ll discover that you’ve been talking to your friend’s cousin’s neighbour the whole time. Another way to find commonality is to put yourself in a room full of people who share your interests. Luckily, that’s exactly what clubs are for. And university clubs can get niche—fencing, traditional folk music, or korfball, anyone?

To really turn a stranger into a friend, things are going to have to get personal. No, this does not mean dumping all your life problems on your newfound korfball teammates. According to Keohane, research has shown that “when one person expresses something personal, the other person will match them.” By saying something real, honest, and personal, you’re subtly encouraging your conversation partner to do the same. Without realising it, they will start to reveal more of themselves, as if the two of you are competing for the title of most authentic stranger. When you reach these more personal levels, you’ll like your conversation partner more, they’ll like you more, and you’ll have a better chance of forming a deeper connection.

If you’re still feeling uncertain about it all, don’t just take it from me; take it from real students who took part in research about talking to strangers:

• I feel more connection to the world and also I feel people around me are more friendly.

• This made me feel happier and more fulfilled.

• Strangers are generally friendly and helpful.

• I met people who I believe will become my good friends.

• With a little effort you can find friends easily.

Good luck!

Why I Don’t Drink

GIN

And

Even More Times I’ve Almost Died

swilled by Will Tickner (he/him)

Let it be clear—I’m a man of many mistakes. To call myself intuitive would be a lie, and for a friend to say that I’ve an ounce of critical thinking skills would mean that they were being held at gunpoint. I’m Will Tickner, and I put the “will” in “last will and testament.” I pull onto the highway without indicating. I invite strange men to my flat in the dead of night. I drink so much coffee my bloodstream is sponsored by Nescafe. Some mistakes I’ve made have led to brushes with death, but there’s always character development to be had, and lessons to be learnt. Back by unpopular demand, here’s some more recountings of the times I’ve almost died.

#1 Cats: The Bruisical

Unfortunately, I’m a theatre kid. Fortunately, it’s a great excuse for the question I’m usually asked, which is ‘why are you like this?’ I’d like to formally apologise to those I grew up with who didn’t know — Sincerely, Me. The theatre company I was abducted by was amazingly well run and supportive, so after a few years of having fun I stuck with it because it was hard to Say No To This. One of the first musicals I ever performed in was Cats: The Musical. That was my first lead role at eleven years old. I was completely zazzed to play ‘Growltiger the Pirate Cat,’ because at the end of his musical number he gets to walk the plank. It’s important to note that the director always went absolutely ham with lighting, sound design, set design, and All That Jazz. The director decided that the plank I was pushed off would be high onstage, and offstage there would be a mattress to fall on. When our show opened, everything ran smoothly … until the third performance.

During the last few bars of my Show Stoppin’ Number, I got ready to walk the plank, and I looked down to spot that the stagehand had forgotten to

slide the mattress below me. I thought to myself that it couldn’t be that far, and instead of taking the less painful route of stepping down the long way, I took the leap of faith. Instead of Defying Gravity, I ended up landing without crouching, and folded in on myself like an accordion.

One of the backstage hands saw the aftermath of what I can only imagine looked like that one Peter Griffin meme. Except instead of Peter Griffin, it was a scrawny twelve-year-old in a skimpy cat costume. They helped me up, and I miraculously hadn’t broken my legs. Since the show must go on, I dusted myself off for One Day More. I don’t know how I was able to survive to perform another show. I’ve come to the conclusion that I was more durable in school, considering I now sweat like a fire hose when I walk up Cuba Street.

Lesson: It’s the Hard-Knock Life, some cats don’t land on their feet.

#2 The Worst Morning To Campus

March 13th, 2024. I remember this morning down to the minute because of one person, and it’s not the one who tried to whack my shins.

8AM: My alarm blared. I needed to get up to go to my lecture on campus at noon, and had to catch two buses to get there. I just had a late night, and couldn’t be arsed getting up yet.

8:10AM: My alarm sirened again. I cancelled it.

8:20AM: Another alarm. Giving up, I clicked off my phone for a sleep-in.

11:19AM: I overslept. I checked the time — the first bus would leave in three minutes.

11:20AM: Panic. I grabbed a clean t-shirt, a not-soclean pair of jeans, and my tote bag.

11:22AM: I made a mad sprint to my bus stop, just as the first bus arrived. Trying to tag on, my card made that embarrassing beep when you don’t have any cash. I sheepishly loaded more money on and sat down. I thought that the worst was over, as my second bus would be right on time.

11:35AM: My second bus was not on time. I looked out to see it already leaving Courtenay Place. At that point, I was mulling over my options. Either I try to sprint to the next stop before the bus, or give up and not go to campus.

11:36AM: Cut to me, sprinting down Courtenay Place. My sneakers were on the verge of tears, and my macbook was slapping against my hip. I was nearing the next stop outside the St James Theatre and the bus was caught in traffic: I could make it.

11:37AM: An older man in a wheelchair appeared from the alleyway. He had a look of deviousness, and was carrying a singular crutch. He spotted me coming and grinned.

11:38AM: Time slowed. The man stopped his chair directly in my path. He held up the crutch like a golf club, and drew it back upwards. My feet pummeled the brick pathway as I approached. He looked at my legs and he took a hard swing. What would be your instincts in this situation? Take the blow? Hell no. You dodge it. Fueled with adrenaline and my spite for Metlink, I lifted my feet off of the ground. I heard the swish from the crutch below me as I jumped the hurdle.

11:39AM: I landed back onto the path and continued towards the bus, heart pounding as I heard a maniacal giggle from the man behind me. I tagged onto the bus and sat down, puffing.

11:46AM: I arrived at campus fifteen minutes before my lecture. Feeling shaken, I went to get a coffee to help with my jitters. I got into the line at the Lab, and right when I was about to order … some girl cut in front of me. As I weighed whether to say anything, she squawked to two of her friends, and signalled to cut in front of me too. The three of them ended

up taking an eternity to order as I stood there in disbelief and anger.

12:07AM: After all of my efforts to arrive on time, I arrived late to my lecture. I did that awkward thing where you arrive loudly and everyone stares daggers into you. I may never get my revenge on the man in the wheelchair. But I can get revenge on the girl with the bad roots who cut in front of me at the Lab on Wednesday the March 13th at 11:48am. I’m waiting to see you around campus for the same reason everyone else will be waiting for me to appear on One News: anticipation of death.

Lesson: High School Athletics Day wasn’t entirely useless.

#3 Tapestry Trouble

Currently, I live in a little shoebox room; I love my little shoebox room. It does its job housing me, and I’ve enjoyed covering every inch of the walls with posters, postcards, and mementos because the minimalist lifestyle is for neat freak psychos. When I moved into my flat, I couldn’t figure out what to put on the wall I slept on, so I bought a large tapestry. It fit the entire surface area perfectly, and I thought it went with my crazed maximalist vibe. Fast forward to winter this year, and like every single student flat in Welly my room began to get really cold. I bundled up every night, and fought valiantly against the falling temperatures. Recently, I began to get badly ill for a couple days at the time. I wondered where my strange illness was coming from, and just theorised that I was just always catching Covid every other week. That was, until one morning I rolled onto the wall in my room and tugged the tapestry down off my wall by accident.

Horrifically, I looked up to discover that my entire wall was covered in mould. The tapestry was hiding a truly disgusting gradient; light at the top and a dark green as it reached the floor. For an unknown amount of nights, I had been sleeping next to an entire spore colony…a real low point for me this year. After making a very disappointing call to my dad to ask what to do, I tied a tea towel around my face, slipped on some kitchen gloves, and managed to do a massive bedroom extermination/deep clean/ bleaching on my one day off. I don’t know how many days I would’ve had left if I hadn’t discovered it.

Lesson: Leave your windows/doors open a smidge to circulate air flow in your room, even in the winter.

#4 Why I Don’t Drink Gin

I come from a family of “drinking enthusiasts.” Not alcoholics, just people who work hard and play harder. And they love to play hard every year at the family Christmas party. One particular year, my sweet old grandparents hosted in their back paddock. A line of picnic tables had been set up with a large Christmas dinner, at the far end was a hefty drinks table. I wasn’t too excited to be around my family, as I had spent months in the same house as my parents during lockdown. We had just finished a piss-easy game of cricket against my younger cousins, and I had started tweaking from the repetitive “how’s school going?” questions from my aunts. I looked for a way to handle all the boredom. Relief came when I found myself, comically, sat next to the alcohol during dinner. A bad idea formed when I saw that everyone was distracted cutting the roast.

Now sure, looking back, the bottle of gin wasn’t the greatest choice to reach for—but the other options were spare bottles of Tui, or my uncle's homemade cider he wouldn’t shut up about. I grabbed the entire bottle, and quickly poured it into a big plastic cup. Not wanting to get caught, I decided to disguise it with the worst mixer I could’ve picked: Coke Zero. As dinner finished and the sun began to set, I began drinking from my horrible concoction and the whole night began to feel a lot more bearable. However, the night became a whole lot more unbearable for the rest of the family.

My parents didn’t notice too much right away since they were both hammered. It wasn’t until the very end of the night that they found the empty bottle at the table, and spotted me cussing out my aunt. Realising that neither of them could drive home, my parents enlisted my poor drunken older brother to walk me home. He was an absolute trooper for getting me the two kilometers back through the wop-wops. I don’t remember much of the walk, but my brother later described it to me as the hardest thing he’s ever had to do drunk (this says a lot considering I once caught him trying to explain cryptocurrency to our dad over a box of Somersbys). By the time we had gotten home, I had fully blacked out.

My parents came home in the early hours of Boxing Day to find me passed out a few feet from the front door. I was in a pool of my own vomit, consisting entirely of the bottle of gin, Christmas dinner, and my bad choices. They sadly peeled their plastered child off the floor, knowing that they were raising someone who would never be able to tolerate his alcohol.

Lesson: Coke is not a mixer for gin.

I make mistakes. I miss my bus more than I miss my mark, and I meet with the grim reaper as often as law students do ketamine (too often). My body goes through a panic whenever I’m told I’m loved. I have musical flashbacks when I wear tights. I’m perpetually terrified of people in wheelchairs. However, neardeaths and mistakes are just moments to further the plot, and are always a good story to look back on and laugh at. That’s why I only ever drink gin at Christmas; it’s now tradition to have a glass with the aunt who I said looked like a “frigid bitch.”

Stressed and depressed with lemon zest,

Will Tickner x

The Quest for the Best

written & photographed by Ryan Cleland (he/him)

What is a sandwich? That's the ultimate question. One I ask myself everytime I step into the green and yellow entrance of my local Subway—as I’m sure you, my dear reader, do as well. And so I went to the expert on the matter, The United States Department of Agriculture. The USDA defines closed sandwiches as containing "at least 35% cooked meat and no more than 50% bread" and open sandwiches as having "at least 50% cooked meat." However, the same USDA manual categorises burritos and fajitas as "sandwich-like" and frankfurters as "sandwich type." So it seems as though there is no definition that is correct because clearly frankfurters are not sandwich type! (get it together USDA, I am not mad, merely disappointed).

OK so if the U.S Government cant help on the matter, then surely Great Britain can. Well as a matter of fact they are the alleged inventor of the sandwich! Or rather John Montague, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, is the “alleged” inventor of the sandwich. Rather famously the story goes, that ole Johnny boy loved the pokies an extreme amount, would gamble for hours at a time and, much like those in the throes of IBS, refused to leave his seat. Thus he would request his servants to bring him meat placed between 2 loaves of bread. And while this myth is very much surrounded in a shadowy mist of what we in the journalism call “extreme embellishment”, it has immortalised Montague's name in sandwich history. So with the idea to honour the great Earl of Sandwich, I have scoured the far outreaches of Wellington in order for my quest for the ultimate sandwich! So without further ado, and in no particular order, I present to you my top nominees.

Subway | Kelburn Campus

Italian BMT on Roasted Garlic - $9.30

So I know what you're thinking. Ryan! A subway sub is not the greatest sandwich of all time. And to that I say dear reader, there is a baseline that we mustmeasure everything by. For every luxury yacht, there's a humble fishing boat. For every couture gown there is your favourite pair of jeans. Subway is humble and homely; it knows it is not a Michelin star restaurant and yet it delivers. My friends allege that, much like John Montague’s gambling vices, my vice is the lovely Subway of the Easterfield Building. When you first step into those sliding plexiglass doors, you are greeted with the heavenly aroma of freshly baked ‘bread’ (In 2020 the Irish Supreme Court ruled the bread-like substance to be closer to cake). What’s not to love? And that is why Subway always holds a place as the constant of the sandwich family; you can find it everywhere, and you know that you will be in the safe (freshly gloved) hands of a certified Sandwich Artist, at a reasonable price.

Romeo’s | Te Aro

Romeo’s Deli Roll Sandwich - $18.00

Hidden Just off of Cuba Street you can find a quaint little hole-in-the-wall: Romeo’s Deli and Bar. A somewhat secret sandwich locale, Romeo’s had a delectable display of options accompanied with a busy drinks menu, for that ‘it's 5 o’clock somewhere’ vibe.

“Oh Romeo! Oh Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?” “3/126 Vivian Street!”, an eerie voice replies.

Romeo’s has Jenga and Snakes and Ladders, to fill the time while you wait for Head Chef Romeo to whip you up a sammy. Also, there’s a 10% student discount—so be sure to wave that ID before purchasing. Romeo’s sandwiches tend to straddle the line between toasted and fresh—and who cares? What's in a name? A sandwich by any other name would taste as good. And whilst Romeo’s asks a high price, the student discount helps it recover. It gets the Montague seal of approval.

Fred’s | Cuba Street

Fred’s Pastrami Melt - $15.50

As I step into the orange and white pastel aesthetic of Fred’s vintage food bar, a single sign above reads: ‘Sandwiches’. It knows exactly what needs to be said.

Fred’s offers a variety of both untoasted and toasted options. Settling into the Pastrami Melt, I sat there reading my weekly copy of Sandwich Digest, and prepared to digest a local delight. Fred’s is known for its melts, and it is clear why. The golden brown bread is Wellington-made sourdough in what I assume is called "Well-Bred, Well-Read, Ready for Spread Fred’s Bread”. Their special sauce oozes out of the crust and makes for a delicious sandwich—for a modest price in today's anti-sammy economy. Fred’s is the king of the toasted sandwich, and its fantastic ingredients and calming decor make you feel like an English record producer and DJ—the way you want to go to Fred Again

Good Boy Sammies

Steak, Onion, Shallot and Padano

Sandwich - $18.00

Local Newtown sandwich bar Good Boy Sammies has earned a reputation as one of the top sandwich spots in Wellington. Located near Wellington Hospital, Good Boy Sammies was founded by former music students Alexander Green and James Paul, who aimed to craft unique and elaborate sandwiches each week. At GBS (Acronym pending I’m sure), they offer a rotating menu featuring two meat options and one vegetarian option, ensuring there's always a new ‘sammie’ to try. However, if you find a favourite, you might have to wait a while to enjoy it again. While Good Boy Sammies has high prices, they justify them with the most versatile and exciting menu among local sandwich options. Good Job, Good Boy Sammies!

Sir Breadwins - Lambton Quay

Sir Gallahad on Long Bread - $14.50

In the far off land of Lambton Quay, nestled between fabled JB Morrison Lawyers and Jean Jacques Hair Design, stands a charming sandwich shop called Sir Breadwins. Sir Breadwins serves some of the best untoasted sammies in all the land, each with invariably punny names. You can order, from the round table that is their menu, a Sir Gallahad or even a Sir Lancelot to start your day. Delivered on either Long or square Molenberg or rye bread, the options are limitless at Sir Breadwins—you can even construct your own ‘Sandwich of the Round Table’. A combination of healthy ingredients and a good selection of non-sandwich goods make Sir Breadwins a hidden gem of sandwich royalty.

Interview: The Girls in the Red House are Singing (Tracey Slaughter)

words by Phoebe Robertson (she/her)

I was given the opportunity to review Tracey Slaughter's latest poetry collection, The Girls in the Red House are Singing, which is set to launch by New Zealand poet laureate Chris Tse on 16th August during Hamilton Book Month. However, I quickly realised that a traditional review wouldn't do it justice. Last week, I attended a moving Writers on Mondays session where Slaughter spoke. Inspired by this, I decided to shift my review into an interview with Slaughter, incorporating discussions from the event. This is a condensed version of the full interview, which can be found online by scanning the QR code at the end of this article.

The most moving part of the book, for me, is how much of herself that Slaughter gives to the audience. The collection begins with opioid sonatas, a series of poems that won the Manchester Fiction Prize in 2023. The series recounts a traumatic car crash involving Slaughter. In discussion, Slaughter tells me that “as a writer I’ve always believed in giving everything [to the audience] ... I think the best work rises from those who ‘take aim with the whole body’ as Jane Hirschfield says… The truth is though if I try to draw lines, keep something back, write from a place of reserve I end up being unable to write at all—it’s an all or nothing deal for me.”

If you can’t tell by now, Slaughter’s collection is a heavy one, touching on themes of sexual assault, suicide, trauma, and chronic pain. These themes carry significant weight and preconceived connotations. I asked Slaughter if she had any ‘red lines’ she was unwilling to cross while putting together this collection. Once again, she was movingly vulnerable in her response. “The deepest red line for me was not hurting my children—the thing that blocked me for a long time was a feeling that, though they’re grown, my job as a mother was still to protect them.

I couldn’t burden them with ever exposing these poems or the trauma they contained.” However, she recounts that “their response to this work has truly released me from these fears… Their love has helped me find my voice.”

Something I found particularly moving was when, at the Writers on Mondays event, Slaughter remarked, “We have to speak about these things somehow, whatever it may cost.” This prompted me to ask her if she felt there was any ‘cost’ to what she had written. She explained to me “The reality of living with chronic pain is that you can shut yourself away so you don’t impact your nerves and inflame it, but ultimately you’re going to feel the pain anyway—so I wanted to take the risk. I think not voicing these subjects only leads to more damage. The industry we enter when we publish too can often be an incredibly harsh one—I’ve often found my nerves shrilling with fear of what reception my work might face.”

Despite this fear, Slaughter has gone on to publish the collection. At Writers on Mondays, Slaughter remarked that she believes “A piece of writing just manages to find the ears, the heart, the hands of someone who needs it the most in that moment.” She hopes this collection will be just that for someone who may need it. To end the interview, I asked her what the latest piece of writing to impact her in this way was. She told me that most recently, “Anne Michaels’ Infinite Gradation was just that, because it cuts through the human heart of why we write—‘against amnesia of every sort, against every form of oppression… Poetry is a dispatch from the front.’”

Want to read more? Follow this QR code for the full interview.

Delight

In the heart of the city, where the lights glow bright, Lies a place of delight, beneath the moonlight. Tiger's, it's named, a haven of spice, Where Malatang simmers, a fiery entice.

Milk tea flows smoothly in delicate streams, Its sweetness is a comfort, like warm, gentle dreams. A cauldron of broth, bubbling and hot, Awakens the senses with each savoury shot.

Rows of fresh veggies, a colourful display, To dip and savour, in a flavorful array. Mushrooms and tofu, greens crisp and fine, In Tiger's embrace, they steep and they shine.

Amazing fry bread, golden and light, Crisp to the bite, a true culinary delight. Chopsticks in hand, we gather and share, Around the great pot, with warmth in the air.

Laughter and stories, the steam intertwines, In this haven of Tiger, where harmony dines. The boldness of peppers, the hum of the night, In each bite of Malatang, pure culinary delight.

A symphony of flavours, both fierce and serene, In the heart of Tiger, where tradition is queen. So come to the table, where cultures entwine, At Tiger, where Malatang's stars always shine.

A taste of the East, a vibrant embrace, In the glow of the lights, find your own place.

A little birdie told me…

Question: Flat with friends, or flat with strangers?

To get into an argument about dishes with your friends, or strangers?

Whio

says… Toroa says…

Listen, it is easier to go on Vic Deals and find a pre established flat. You won’t have to worry about buying furniture, getting a toaster, or putting your name on the internet and power-bill, because who the fuck wants to do that?

As someone who has flatted with both strangers and friends, I can honestly say that there’s pro’s and con’s to both. And it’s situational. However, flatting with strangers is, the majority of the time, not as scary as you think it will be. In fact, those “strangers” will be looking for the exact same thing you are: a nice flatmate who does the dishes.

Speaking of, it’s easier to set boundaries with people when you’re not worried about dirty dishes ruining your friendship. You can passive aggressively text the flat chat telling people to clean up after themselves, and if they take it personally you don’t have to hang out with them socially.

Likewise, flat not working out? It’s much easier to “break up” with strangers than it is your friend who you’ve been dreaming of living with since the halls, only to find out that they are, in fact, a slob that pays the power bill late.

In fact, you’ve just moved out of the halls? Some rooms will even come pre-furnished. No need to spend $500 on TSB living to kit out your mouldy room if you can find a pre-furnished spot, already made up for you. Another big win.

Right now, there’s more rooms available than people looking for rooms in Wellington, so the flatting market is your oyster. In a buyers market you’ll likely be able to shop around a little bit, find a nice group of people looking to fill a room, and get the best deal. No getting stuck with the windowless room in Brooklyn because you drew straws with your mates.

Getting your first flat will always be a terrifying ordeal. What is a bond? How do you set up power and Wi-Fi?? Do you need to buy a couch???? Where do you buy a couch that isn’t covered in suspicious stains???? Something that may make it easier is choosing a flatting group made up of your friends.

If you choose to live with a group of people you already know, there are perks like already knowing whether or not you get along, already knowing what foods they like or what they’re allergic to, and if you were in halls with them, you’ll probably know what they’re like to live with, too.

I’ve found through living with friends that having hangout time as a flat has been easier, too, because you don’t have to build new connections with new people. If you’re queer, you don’t have to worry about whether someone is an ally. For a first flat, it can be reassuring to have familiar, trusted faces around when you’re freaking out about heating and mould and your oven breaking.

I will say, unless you’re the kind of friends that can and do have conversations about boundaries, it can get a little awkward or difficult to navigate situations where someone might’ve pissed you off, (like seriously guys, it’s not my turn to do the dishes,) but if you’re able to get through those conflicts, your friendship will often get stronger.

Moving in with your friends can provide comfort and trust in a time where you might need it most. I’ve lived with strangers only once, and it didn’t end well: I wasn’t comfortable around them the whole time I lived with them because we’d never really clicked. Living with my friends, though, has made life so much easier: our conflicts have resulted in our relationships being better, I’ve never had to stress on my own about buying stuff for a flat, and if I needed clothes for town, I knew I could always raid someone else’s wardrobe.

PUZZLES everybody's favourite page

GREENLAND | MADE BY BLAKE

ACROSS DOWN

1. Northern lights (6,8)

9. Country with the capital Beirut (7)

10. What your siblings’ sons are to you (7)

11. Indian flatbread cooked in a tawa (skillet) (4)

12. Takes apart (10)

16. When both top competitors have the same score (3)

17. Mexican dish consisting of corn chips topped with cheese and mince or beans (6)

19. Capital city of Portugal (6)

22. Acronym for VUW’s Digital Solutions team (1,1,1)

24. False names used by writers (or crossword creators!) (10)

26. A different term for when both top competitors have the same score (4)

28. One who is getting engaged (7)

29. Use of free time for enjoyment (7)

30. One who argues the unpopular side of a debate (6,8)

1. Hinged flap on aircraft that is raised or lowered to control movement (7)

2. In a mechanical or stiff fashion (7)

3. Tirade, lengthy complaint (4)

4. Robber, thief (6)

5. Alter the title of a file, person or animal (6)

6. Almost-useless organ vulnerable to infection (8)

7. Principle or value; most suitable or perfect (5)

8. Serpents worshipped in Ancient Egypt (4)

13. 4 x 15 = ? (5)

14. One’s sense of self-esteem; surname of Kiwi comedian Paul (3)

15. Name of Rigby’s blue jay best friend on the animated TV show ‘Regular Show’ (8)

18. Donkey (3)

20. Name of the infamous Triangle in the North Atlantic Ocean (7)

21. Not anywhere (7)

22. Assumes based on context (6)

23. Grinned (6)

24. Name of the magic dragon who lived by the sea (4)

25. Avoid (5)

27. Traditional Japanese soup (4)

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with Speaker of the House Teddy O'Neill (he/it/ia)

Salient Undedited

"You know, when I was a kid I pretty much only ate dog food."

Arts & Culture "What's your favourite thing to tattoo?" "Gay shit."

VUWSA Unedited GO LISTEN TO VUWSA UNEDITED NOW!

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SALIENT TEAM 2024

Second Row: Office Ghost (she/her) ; Phoebe Robertson (she/her, Editor) ; Te Huihui Tran (he/him, Te Ao Māori Co-Editor) ; Ashleigh Putt-Fallows (she/her, Te Ao Māori Co-Editor) ; M&M (Ash's cat) ; Guy van Egmond (he/him, Contributing Writer) ; Jia Sharma (she/her, Music Editor); Mauatua Fa'ara-Reynolds (she/her, Staff Writer) ; Henry Broadbent (he/him, Sub-Editor)

Front Row: Teddy O'Neill (he/it/ia, Speaker of the House) ; Ava O'Brien (she/her, Distributor) ; Ethan Rogacion (he/him, News Co-Editor) ; Dan Moskovitz (he/him, Chief Reporter) ; Will Irvine (he/him, News Co-Editor) ; Kate Seager (she/her, Designer)

Third Row: Ngân Dang (she/they, Staff Writer Intern) ; Monisha Dahya (she/her, Podcast Intern) ; Darcy Lawrey (he/him, Online & News Intern) ; Prunella Azzahra (she/her, Design Intern) ; Cedar Porteous (she/her, Staff Writer Intern) ; Phoebe's Dog