Issue 08 – ARCHIVE.zip

Salient ARCHIVE. zip

Vol. 83

Issue 08

27 April 2020 1

Contents EDITORIAL.......................................................................................................................................................................................... 03 LETTERS

04

NEWS

Tertiary Students Plead with Government for Universal Student Allowance.................................................................................... 06

Support for Student Disability Community in a Time of Crisis..................................................................................................... 07 Student Advocates Voice Concerns as Level 3 Looms............................................................................................................... 08 VUW Prepares to (kinda) Reopen..................................................................................................................................................... 09 Opinion................................................................................................................................................................................................. 10 In Other News...................................................................................................................................................................................... 11

FEATURES A Nation In Paralysis............................................................................................................................................................................ 12 We Still Make Meaning........................................................................................................................................................................ 16 Accessory not Supported................................................................................................................................................................... 22 Where Do The Pigeons Play?............................................................................................................................................................. 24 How To Not Kill Your Partner.............................................................................................................................................................. 26 CENTREFOLD COLUMNS Liquid Knowledge..............................................................................................................................................................................

To Be Frank.........................................................................................................................................................................................

UniQ.....................................................................................................................................................................................................

Mauri Ora............................................................................................................................................................................................

Student Wellbeing.............................................................................................................................................................................

Disabled Student's Association......................................................................................................................................................

POETRY REVIEWS feel like pure shit just want my stove back x Hi Hens!

29 30 31 32 33 33 28

34 35

ENTERTAINMENT Occupation Station Horoscopes

02

20

36 38

Editorial IF YOU’RE READING THIS, YOU MIGHT BE FROM THE FUTURE? We’ve definitely desensitized adjusted to these new realities.

The plastic barriers between us and our supermarket cashier, the got-8-hours-but-still-feel-shit sleeps, baking bread even though you’re gluten intolerant. While we’ve been talking about Miss Rona plenty in Salient already, this week we’re here to officially address the shit show she has put on 2020.

Our thinking for this issue really began at the beginning of the year. Remember that? A time before this? Neither.

Over the summer, we got keys to the office and began our process of cleaning and discovering. We found the quaddoor cupboard, otherwise known as the Salient archive.

Inside sits every single issue of Salient from 2018 back to 1938.

After scrubbing the literal walls of the office, Rachel organised the archive chronologically. Kirsty didn’t do that, but she did pick gum off the wall. Thanks 2019 xx Nonetheless, we were intensely perplexed at the wall in front of us. We were looking at a series of time capsules in the form of variously sized, variously coloured, hard-covered books. We’re hoping we can pick what colour 2020’s books will be, but who knows if VUWSA will give us that kind of authority…

Anyway, the books. (we’d pick crimson) Salient is a snapshot of how people are feeling about the world at one time. We are but one future time capsule for how VUW students were feeling about all the things 2020 threw. This is what we’re dedicating this issue to.

We hope this issue will serve as a reference point for Salient’s future readers, writers, and editors. When they want to begin understanding what March 15th felt like, they can check 2019’s Peace issue. What a Nuclear Free movement felt like? The green 1970 book. Heck, if they want to remember the time Grant Guilford burnt millions of their dollars on a name change, anywhere from 2017 to now will do. 2020 is the book they’ll reach for when they want to know about the time the world just… paused.

Archives are significant. Believe your history major friends when they go on about it–they’re actually not wrong. A few weeks ago we said ‘feel like pure shit just want our office back x’, but this week we just want our archive back. To say the least, it’s been sucky to be both physically away from our office archive and stripped of our online archive *cough*.

Inside your virtual issue of Salient this week we’ve got plenty.

Watch the online animation turn the pages through stories of rituals, epidemics, hotdog toasties, and Wellington pigeon wellbeing, with lots more.

Before we leave you to it, we’ve got some messages.

To our current readers, we’re sorry you can’t have this magazine irl. We know, like your parents hoarding every primary school book, you too probably wanted this to gather dust on your bookshelf. We promise as soon as it’s safe for everyone to be back on campus, you’ll see us in the stands.

In the meantime, get scrolling through this week's issue for some replenishment.

To our future readers, wyd? You’re deep in what’s hopefully our new and functional Salient online archive.

Future editors, if you’re reading this… oh you think this is hard?!? We literally had to do this during a LOCKDOWN. Secondly, hi! Please look us up, we’d love to chat.

You’re doing amazing sweetie. If you didn’t read that in Kris Jenner’s voice, we might be too old for you.

Next week there won’t be an online issue of Salient. We’re having a small break to realign our chakras or whatever and catch up on the emails we’ve neglected. You’ll see our next issue on the 11th of May. Buckle in because no issue entitled ‘Eat The Rich’ is going to be tame.

Kirsty Frame (she/her) Rachel Trow (Kāi Tahu, Ngāti Tūwharetoa)

03

Letters POST-COVID

COVID-19 has decimated our economy, the livelihood of tens of thousands—probably hundreds of thousands. Politics aside, we are fortunate to have Jacinda at the helm— she has done a sterling job. Unfortunately she has battled with one hand tied behind her back. Simply put, the neo-liberal economic framework limits the ongoing response to COVID-19, and will constrain how we address the fall-out. Given that to move away from such a model requires that the politicians, media, academics, and economists who have steered this ship for the last 45 years would need to own up to their culpability—I fear nothing will change—ego is a powerful mechanism to keep up the sham—all have a vested interest in seeing the Emperor’s New Clothes!

Are there any out there who would have this otherwise—are there any who believe that it is time to give a voice to the people and hold this Government—along with the many before it—and mount a Political Challenge to the abrogation of our economic and national sovereignty—or must we continue to accept our subjugation to the establishment?

Anon

You lot are doing a wonderful job of keeping the quality content coming whilst in these funked-up times so I applaud you and I hope that you're all faring well.

Daniel

Did we do something right?

Something wrong? Enlighten us.

Send through your letters to editor@salient.org.nz

04

Are you stuck at home?

You should be.

Are you a sucker for punishment?

We’re not here to judge.

Salient stops for no pandemic and we need your help.

Here are our upcoming themes and prompts:

GENERATIONS Get your pitch to us by: 28th April We have a lot to thank our ancestors for.

Of all the wholesome contentTM to come out of this lockdown, tales of reconnection with grandparents and whakapapa are arguably the sweetest. This journey, however, is not without obstacles.

A lot can happen in a generation. Tell us how you have(n’t) bridged the gap.

MUSIC SHIPS Get your pitch to us by: 5th May Music. It’s a pretty straightforward theme, right? Wrong. Music is political and personal.

We want to hear all the weird and wonderful ways you experience music.

Get your pitch to us by: 12th May Love is more taboo than sex. You heard us.

Touching on intimacy, love, romantic breakups, friendship breakups, and everything in between, Salient is getting sappy.

Features, creative writing, columns, quizzes, recipes, general fuckery— editor@salient.org.nz News—news@salient.org.nz Reviews– reviews@salient.org.nz Poems—poetry@salient.org.nz Tell us who you are, the kaupapa of your piece, and why it belongs in Salient.

P.S. Missed out on column pitches at the start of the year? Now that the dust has settled, we have a few regular column spots up for grabs and we want to hear from you.

P.P.S. Please dear god can someone pitch us a good environmental column.

SALIENT NEEDS YOU

05

News

MONDAY 27 APRIL 2020

Tertiary Students Plead with Government for Universal Student Allowance ANNABEL MCCARTHY | TE WHAKATŌHEA | SHE/HER

The tertiary education sector has been promised a second support package from the Government to assist in the wake of COVID-19, but students already facing financial hardship are calling on the Government to act quicker.

The $133 million package recently announed by the Government doubles the amount students can borrow for course-related costs and ensures those unable to study online will continue receiving Studylink payments for up to 8 weeks.

The initiatives have been met with both disappointment and criticism from tertiary students, who say it is unfair they remain the only group expected to borrow money during the pandemic.

Victoria University student Lily Lewis said the COVID-19 crisis, and the Government’s response, has “pushed already struggling students further into the pit of poverty with nothing but a couple of toothpicks to get back out with”.

“The best way forward would be supporting students using a universal allowance rather than allowing us to increase our debt,” she said.

This echoes the New Zealand Union of Students’ Association (NZUSA), who are calling on the nation’s leaders to extend Student Allowance eligibility to include all part-time and full-time domestic students.

The Student Allowance is currently available to undergraduate students up until the age of 24 and is meanstested against the parental income of a student.

"Some students had been laid off before the whole COVID-19 situation unfolded and, again, missed out."

One student Salient spoke to said over 90% of their weekly living costs is spent on rent and flat expenses, leaving just $15 to cover food, travel costs, car insurance, and other expenses.

“My current financial situation puts me in constant stress,”

06

NEWS: ISSUE 08

the student, who attends Massey University, said.

“My biggest worry is survival […] not from the virus, but from my ability to afford the basic necessities, to afford food, to afford housing, to not be able to get out of a financial situation that means I can barely afford bread for breakfast, let alone dinner.”

The student, who did not want to be named due to the risk of being identified by a landlord or employer, said they were unable to claim the Government’s wage subsidy as a busker and street performer. “[There is no] paper trail or proof of income online available for me to apply for a wage subsidy as busking is contractfree, inconsistent income and cash in hand,” the student said.

This is a problem facing many tertiary students forced to work alongside full-time study to get by, NZUSA said.

Ali Leota, President of Tauira Pasifika, told Radio New Zealand there are “students who are casual workers who (sic) have again slipped through the cracks because they don't meet the requirements for access to the wage subsidy scheme”.

"Some students had been laid off before the whole COVID-19 situation unfolded and, again, missed out."

The national Pacific students’ association, along with the national Māori students association Te Mana Ākonga, are hopeful the initial support package is just a start and will lead to ongoing conversations around a Universal Student Allowance.

A Victoria University of Wellington spokesperson said the University supports the “urgent need for a second support package with a focus on the adequacy of financial support for students”.

“We know this is urgently needed because a large majority of our students are no longer able to support their studies through part-time employment,” the spokesperson said.

Minister of Education Chris Hipkins did not return Salient’s request for comment on the issue.

Support for Student Disability Community in a Time of Crisis KEANA VIRMANI

The transition to online learning poses a unique challenge for those requiring additional support from the University.

The Disabled Students’ Association at Victoria, formerly known as CanDo, has stated the organisation has “a lot of anxiety that disabled students will fall through the cracks during this time”.

The Association has been contributing towards developing a workable plan for the coming months, alongside the university staff and other representative groups.

Salient enquired about the actions taken by Disability Services to facilitate those with disabilities amidst the COVID-19 crisis, especially in regard to the transition to online learning. Disability Services is a support service at VUW which assists more than 1500 students with disabilities annually.

Rachel Anderson-Smith, Manager of Disability Services has been “actively supporting students by providing coaching and advice, liaison with academic staff, referring to helpful websites and resources, and connecting students with other services”. These include disability inclusion advisors, adaptive technology, ergonomic equipment, note-takers, assessment facilities, and interpreters—to name a few.

“Disability and inclusion advisers are providing students with advice and support via phone or Zoom appointments.

All the services that assist students with their studies are now provided online.”

Disability Services have stated that they are not aware of any students who have withdrawn due to the transition to online learning.

“The Government’s decision to exclude part-time students from their support package excludes a huge number of students with disabilities" With this said, Anderson-Smith has stated, “This is a challenging time for everyone, particularly for students with disabilities who have high needs. Some students we are supporting are experiencing issues like loneliness, difficulty maintaining concentration and motivation, uncertainty of change, fatigue from increased screen time, concerns about whether their courses are going to be inclusive for them and concern that they may need to self isolate for longer than their non-disabled peers.”

| SHE/HER

It was not stated whether Disability Services is receiving additional funding or support from Victoria University, independent of the Student Hardship Fund. “In the move to online learning, we know a lot more students with disabilities need personal adaptive technology and Disability Services can provide advice on how to access Workbridge funding [Government-funded disability assistance].”

Students in a state of financial difficulty or those having increased technology costs were encouraged to access the Student Hardship Fund. Applications can be made through a Student Finance Advisor, with further information on the University’s website.

In regard to the Government’s Tertiary Student Package increasing course-related costs to $2000, the Disabled Students’ Association has stated that financial hardship has not been easily compensated for. “The Government’s decision to exclude part-time students from their support package excludes a huge number of students with disabilities who do not and can not study full time, thus leaving them with nothing.”

“Disabled people know a lot about survival, perseverance, and strength so some have been using their expertise to give advice to their non-disabled peers" “There is still a lot of confusion amongst students themselves about what the coming months will actually look like. As with the general student population, the lack of adequate communication is causing undue stress during these already difficult times.”

“We truly hope that the University does not revert back to its inequitable practices once this ordeal is over, and especially hope that lecture recordings become mandatory across the University.”

With hope for a clearer understanding of the coming months, Salient contacted VUWSA. When asked how VUWSA aims to advance support for students of the disability community, the Association stated that they “continue to attend weekly meetings with our equity groups, that includes the Disabled Students’ Association so that we can hear their concerns. We have pushed for the university to continue their services remotely and continue to work with them on the hardship fund.”

NEWS: ISSUE 08

07

VUWSA is “pushing for flexible exam arrangements”

while ensuring “lecture recordings are made universally accessible.”

Anderson-Smith has also stated, “Disabled people know a lot about survival, perseverance, and strength so some have been using their expertise to give advice to their nondisabled peers on how to thrive and look after themselves while in isolation.”

The Disabled Students’ Association encourages any students concerned about the university ensuring their needs are met, to get in touch with them in order to be guided towards the appropriate services.

VUWSA invite students struggling with accessing the

student hardship fund to contact their advocates via advocate@vuwsa.org.nz

Student Advocates Voice

Concerns as Level 3 Looms TE AOREWA ROLLESTON | NGĀTI RANGINUI, NGĀI TE RANGI | SHE/HER

As Victoria University prepares to move to Alert Level 3, students continue to face adversity.

“Our community pantry stock and free menstrual products continue to be donated to the Wellington Student Army."

The Vice Chancellor responded to the government announcement on Monday 20th in a statement which confirmed that “overall, [...] the changes to how we have been operating at Alert Level 4 will be modest”.

The Māori students association, Ngāi Tauira has told Salient that “Our main concern, surrounding the University is getting in touch with tauira who don’t have things like personal devices, good internet access… etc. [...] The Marae and Āwhina especially have offered us as much help as they could. We have a good relationship with them and we’re keeping in regular contact.”

Students are facing the pressures of maintaining academic studies online, loss of employment, and covering rent and living costs for the extent of the initial Level 3 period.

Students will be looking for direction and assistance from VUWSA as the final week of lockdown approaches.

VUWSA President, Geo Robrigado told Salient that VUWSA will, “continue to knock on the government’s doors to improve the financial support package that the students may be getting”. VUWSA is also “working with the university and NZUSA”.

The conditions of Level 3 will also mean that students isolating in Halls of Residence will need to stay where they are as travel restrictions remain unchanged. International Students are now allowed to leave the country under Alert Levels 3 and 4.

VUWSA’S Engagement Vice-President, Joanna Li, told Salient that, "VUWSA is still in continuing discussions with

the university regarding the management of halls. We will certainly be advocating for as much support as possible operationally for residents, but mostly, we are asking for clear communication and consistent actions across all halls, which are taken with the wellbeing of residents and RAs at the forefront of everyone’s minds."

Vulnerable communities will be especially affected by the minimal changes for students at level 3.

VUWSA has said that they will continue to operate by offering all of their services and support online.

08

NEWS: ISSUE 08

"This financial top up has been scheduled for May which poses challenges for students who are needing immediate assistance" VUW explained to Salient that “the University gathered additional information at the Student Engagement Day about students without the computer, software or internet access they need in order to study online from 28 April, [...]

The University will assist students to get the technology they need if they are unable to access government help for this.”

For the four week lockdown, students have also been encouraged to apply for the University's Student Hardship fund for financial assistance while also awaiting updated funding from the government beyond the $1000 loan currently offered.

This financial top up has been scheduled for May which poses challenges for students who are needing immediate assistance during the next two weeks of Level 3.

Salient reached out to a Student Representative for the University Council, but they were unable to comment.

VUW Prepares to (kinda) Reopen SALIENT STAFF

PM Jacinda Ardern addressing the press on Monday 20th April.

Photo credit: Annabel McCarthy

New Zealand is at alert level 4 until 11:59 pm on Monday the 27th. Come Tuesday, New Zealand will move to alert Level 3.

However, many restrictions on movements remain in place.

Under Alert Level 3, there are few changes to social restrictions beyond marginally increasing bubbles.

Only essential regional travel is permitted. This means that “if students went home to join their family bubble they must stay home they cannot return to student accommodation whilst we are at Alert Level 3”, according to Education Minister Chris Hipkins at the national briefing last Tuesday.

will also have limited access for those who “do not have suitable study spaces in their bubble”.

The University also urged those feeling unwell to refrain from coming to campus under any circumstances, and staff with underlying health conditions or those over the age of 70 should also.

Additionally, VUW is implementing a system of “recording the presence and movements of any staff or students coming on to our campuses in case we later need to do contact tracing”.

With regards to tertiary education, VUW remains closed until the 28th when online courses begin, and those remaining within the Halls of Residence are expected to stay there.

Education providers, in accordance with Level 3, will need to provide appropriate conditions suited to Tertiary organizations.

According to the Ministry of Education, “under Alert Level 4, international students are now able to leave New Zealand on scheduled commercial or foreign-government assisted charter flights”.

All where education facilities are used, the maximum number of people in one space is 10.

Tertiary organizations are still expected to communicate clear and timely information with students in regard to both travel and plans for study.

In a press release earlier last week, VUW indicated that many of their buildings will remain closed with a few exceptions to be opened to allow for activities that cannot be done from home.

There will be limited access to laboratories and specialist research spaces for post-grad students and staff. This will not be available until the recording of those using the facilities is possible.

Spaces such as the libraries in Kelburn, Te Aro, and Pipitea

All staff and students taking part in a face-to-face learning environment must also be considered a part of their own individual ‘bubble’.

Physical distancing requirements must be upheld at all times, consisting of a two-metre distance between all students and all staff members.

In the case of tertiary providers where students still remain within Halls of Residence or other forms of campus accommodation, these facilities need to continue to remain available to students and demonstrate sufficient management and welfare assistance eg. self-isolation facilities, catering, activities, support services.

Convening of individuals within expanded groups is prohibited. Each bubble must remain isolated from others.

NEWS: ISSUE 08

09

Opinion Crime in the Time of COVID FINN BLACKWELL | HE/HIM With the government announcing on the 20th that we would move to Alert Level 3 on the 28th, many will be eager to access the newly extended freedoms and services on offer.

However, one service that has gone quietly unnoticed in the past weeks has been the New Zealand criminal justice system.

With COVID-19 centered stories understandably dominating the media, stories relating to crime and criminal justice seem to be falling by the way-side, and while stories of those arrested for breaking lockdown rules or, god forbid, coughing on someone (cheers to that one guy from Christchurch), other crime stories have been noticeably absent.

Courts around the country, including the Wellington Court of Appeal and High Court, are facing closures and restricted access as a result of the pandemic, resulting in many trials being pushed to later dates.

Not only this, but those currently incarcerated are also among some of the most vulnerable. An RNZ article earlier this month stated that during the outbreak some prisoners were being kept in their cells for up to 23 hours a day as a form of social distancing when normally they would be released from 8 am to 5 pm.

Former Police Commissioner, Mike Bush, briefs the press during COVID-19 Pandemic.Photo: Pool/GETTY

A high percentage of prisoners want to reform and be integrated back into society, and one of the main ways in which they are able to do this is through activities such as engineering training or asset and ground maintenance provided by the penal system to prepare them for life outside of incarceration.

This decision has been criticized by Chief Human Rights Commissioner Paul Hunt, who claims the Department of Corrections had “gone too far”

Media coverage of prisons and crime allows the public to engage further with issues such as criminal justice and prisoner rights. More engagement means more can be done for problem areas within criminal justice, meaning more can be done for both victims and the accused.

With high numbers of inmates in such a confined space, prisons have the potential to become breeding grounds for COVID-19, despite decreasing case numbers. Rimutaka Prison in Upper Hutt has a population of 1,021 inmates as of December 2019, making it the largest prison population in the country.

One could be forgiven for thinking that crime is less of an issue when the nation is in lockdown. However, data from the beginning of February showed an increase in crime statistics with theft victimizations increasing by 11.7% and assault victimizations increasing by 10.7% compared with the previous twelve months.

Should a cluster arise in this or any prison in New Zealand for that matter, the result could be one of the worst outbreaks we’ve faced so far.

This is not to say that reporting on these issues has ceased entirely nor have crimes magically stopped happening.

Articles are still being published to keep the public informed of criminal activity throughout various regions across the country.

So what’s being done? Aside from keeping prisoners in their cells for massively extended periods of time, not much.

The Department of Corrections states on their website that, for the time being, all private and volunteer visits, release to work activities and other non-essential movements in and out of all prison sites are suspended.

Currently, there are no cases of COVID-19 in New Zealand prisons, but this does not mean that it couldn’t happen.

10

NEWS: ISSUE 08

It can be easy for the public to forget that prisoners are still people that have basic rights as humans. Especially, when we are more removed from the conversation about criminal justice than ever. Yes, some prisoners are remorseless.

Others feel genuinely penitent about their wrongdoings and want nothing more than to support their communities when their time is up. Many probably shouldn’t have been incarcerated in the first place. All are human beings.

In Other News An Exhaustive List of the Best

Comments on Simon Bridges’ FB Post Simon Bridges was ready to hit the ground running last Monday with a scathing indictment of the Government’s decision to extend the lockdown by 5 days. He’d cooked up something good, and he was ready to unleash it on his legions of followers. But alas, things did not go to plan.

You should’ve all seen the Leader of the Opposition’s disastrous reckons on Facebook by now. At the time of writing, there were over 29,000 comments on the post. Here are some of the best bits of the post that will likely go down in history.

0 LIKES BUT A+ FOR EFFORT

6.7K LIKES

“Frozen 2 deserved the Grammy for Best Original Song.”

“Well done Simon, this post has just made you lose A LOT of supporters. Not only you, but your whole party! After reading this, I'm extremely grateful that you aren't our prime minister. Now is not the time to play politics. Jacinda has done an incredible job leading NZ during this unprecedented time. Give credit where credit is due! Go back to flouting the rules and let the real leaders call the shots.”

3.4K LIKES

“Hi Simon, could you just humour us and share what you had pre-written to release if the government agreed to leave L4 on the 22nd?

I'm thinking it would say something like they were being reckless, putting lives at risk, etc.

As opposition, I know you are doing your job to make the Government look bad, but you have only made yourself look bad.”

1.9 K LIKES “I am actually fine with it being extended by only five days. That isn’t significantly long when you really think about it. I would have been unimpressed if it went for another week or two weeks, but this I am fine with! Kia Kaha New Zealand We shall all see each other soon

9.6 LIKES “Yes hi Simon. Just a reminder that National were the party that cut mental health funding, put it at the bottom of the priority list and refused to acknowledge it as a serious issue. So please don’t use our countries serious vulnerability of “mental health” as a political standpoint as to why you should be in. Kcoolthanks”

1.1K LIKES - A NICE ONE, AS A TREAT 3.9K LIKES “Its an extra 2 business days at Level 4 lockdown, you turnip brain. Perhaps if your government invested in the health sector appropriately when they WERE in power then we wouldnt be faced with an under resourced sector dealing with a pandemic NOW. Use your voice and position for positive outcomes.”

“Thank you Simon. You are 100% correct! There has been so much scaremongering by the media and this government I find it concerning that all scientific voices are not being heard.

Our PM needs to be held to account and the recovery from this is not going to be easy on many dimensions. Make your voice heard Simon and do not back down as Ms Ardern has her PR team working overtime to promote her agenda.”

Let it be known that we did not subject Alfie to sub-editing these comments so yes, the grammar is very Karen……..

NEWS: ISSUE 08

11

A Nation In Paralysis WORDS BY VIC BELL | KÄ€I TAHU | SHE/HER

194

20

12

It was the summer of 1947 when a sign was hung in the window of a corner store in Rowallan. No more ice cream will be served in cones. Neon coloured TT2 ice blocks were now the only choice for sweet-toothed children, and they just weren’t as nice.

The polio epidemics of the 1930s, 40s, and 50s hung over the heads of New Zealanders like a thunderstorm. You never knew when lightning would strike. The nature of the virus was a mystery. One theory was it was caused by exposure to sunlight. Another cause was over-exertion. When a house on the block had a case of infant paralysis the entire family were treated like lepers.

Eileen Kiffin remembers when her parents became outwardly fearful. They were no longer allowed outside without a hat and something covering their necks to protect them from the sun. Born in 1943, Eileen’s childhood was punctured with the polio epidemics of 1947-49, 1952-53, and 1955-56.

I asked if she picked up on the gravity of the situation as a child.

“I was definitely aware of the situation in the 1953 epidemic when I was ten. We knew that Mum and Dad were very anxious. But we just had the strong belief that Mum and Dad would save us.” The epidemics came in waves every few years, spoiling the summer. Everything you looked forward to all school or university year was unceremoniously cancelled: swims at the beach or pool, the sports day in Tuatapere, visits to the picture theatre, and hanging out with friends.

Poliomyelitis is an infectious disease caused by the poliovirus. The virus can live for days at room temperature.

It was transmitted person to person through droplets, i.e. sneezing, coughing, sharing cups, or if faecal matter (poo) contaminated the food or water supply. Although most people affected had few symptoms or experienced nothing worse than the seasonal flu, others suffered paralysis and some died. In just the period of 1947-48 over 1000 people were infected with Polio and about 70 died. 173 people died in New Zealand’s worst outbreak of 1925.

I asked her whether many people were found breaking their bubble for a quick dip in the sea or a nice plate of mutton at the next door neighbour’s. “No one would dare think of it! We were a ‘do as your told’ generation.” Off the back of the second world war, the government was viewed as a protector. Everyone was used to having to make sacrifices, restrict their movements, ration their food, so were naturally more compliant with restrictions. “But there are some very pig-headed old people,” Eileen sighed. Some people have shorter memories than others.

Whatever small joy that was felt by students at the prospect of a never-ending summer holiday was quickly replaced by boredom. Unable to venture beyond the letterbox, card games with your siblings, and re-reading the same books would grow old fast. I’ve only been able to keep my sanity in quarantine by writing for an online publication and devoting much of my time to tending my livestock in Stardew Valley.

The thought of having to throw my laptop out the window and practice a vampiric aversion to sunlight doesn’t bear thinking about. No television, no internet, no computers, no video games. No virtual sex or cat videos or watching yourself cry to your therapist over Zoom.

But it wasn’t just a question of entertainment. Polio put life on hold for scores of young adults; their five year plans completely derailed. Although termed infant paralysis, the effects of polio actually worsen with age, so young adults were much more at risk of severe cases.

June Opie was 23 when she fell ill with a fever. All the muscles in her body stiffened, starting with her neck and spreading out to every limb until she could only blink one eye.

The next couple of months were spent in an iron lung. The iron lung was straight out of science fiction—a large cylinder of wood and metal that encased your entire body from the neck down. Like a hamster sticking its head out of a toilet roll.

It was essentially a mechanical respirator that breathed for you. Children’s wards took on an eerie silence, save for the clicks and muffled thuds of the machines expanding and contracting.

"But it wasn’t just a question of entertainment. Polio put life on hold for scores of young adults" June was advised to spend the rest of her life in a medical institution. She gave the middle finger to that idea, writing a memoir aptly titled Over My Dead Body. She learnt how to walk on crutches, then ride a tricycle and drive a car.

She fought tooth and nail to attend university and work as a clinical psychologist. Her second career was as a broadcaster and travel writer, driving around Europe and the Middle East alone and sleeping in her car. She championed equal education and employment opportunities for the disabled and I have no choice but to stan.

FEATURE: A NATION IN PARALYSIS

13

Another aspect of isolation is how to maintain connection with the outside world. In an age where media is constantly whizzing at you from all directions at all hours of the day, it can be tempting to be a Luddite and idolise the past. I assumed that having less media at the time would be a good thing —the only source of information was from the government and doctors. There was no misinformation from middleaged women on Facebook with Karen haircuts. There were no rappers on Twitter blaming a virus on 5G. But Eileen disagrees. “Today’s technology not only allows us to conduct most of our day to day business. Having up to date information provides a sense of hope that we’re going to get through it. Back then we had no idea what was happening”. With a lack of information came constant fear of what was going on beyond the front gate. For all they knew, the whole of Southland could have turned into The Quiet Earth.

Four weeks of lockdown have shuttered businesses. Serious cuts have been dished out to many people’s salaries and some have simply been fired. But the economic hardship of the current situation pales in comparison to the situation families found themselves in in the 1940s. Boys of 15 and 16 were considered men. Many families relied on the income their teenage sons earnt in factories and sawmills and on neighbouring farms. Despite the moniker infantile paralysis, the likelihood of paralysis actually increased with age, making teenagers especially at risk. But if you didn’t work you didn’t eat.

Looking to the past may give us some idea of what happens after the storm.

14

WORDS BY VIC BELL

A sweeping overhaul of hygiene practices was one positive outcome to the viral epidemics of the 1940s. Water quality was managed with much more care, to everyone’s benefit.

Bread previously sold fresh out the oven now passed the counter wrapped in paper. Washing your fruit before you ate it became common practice. Gaps in the standards of certain buildings were highlighted. At the time of the last epidemic, one school in rural Southland had only 8 sinks to 800 students. With no bogeyman waiting around the corner to snatch your child if they forget to wash their hands, we’ve become pretty lax on hygiene in the last few decades. Apparently, there are lines in men’s bathrooms for the first time in my Dad’s living memory as everyone is actually washing their damn hands. I know I’m going through hand cream at twice the rate. Everything that crosses the threshold into our house is thoroughly wiped down with paper towels and disinfectant.

"Looking to the past may give us some idea of what happens after the storm."

Eileen hopes experiencing an epidemic first hand will change the attitudes of anti-vaxxers. Her generation grew up witnessing first hand how illnesses such as TB, polio, and measles devastated people they knew. Lining up at high school on vaccination day was never questioned. Even when the TB vaccination left massive scarring on her arms, her parents wouldn’t dream of not protecting their child. But once the memory of what those diseases left the collective consciousness, it became very difficult for doctors to cajole

parents to vaccinate their children. No one wants to see their baby in pain, and without much knowledge of biomedical science injecting your infant with antigens to protect them feels counterintuitive.

Quarantine has driven home that the uptake of technology is no longer optional. Eileen works in digital literacy and has been fielding bizarre phone calls from some older New Zealanders. “One person asked if they gave me their phone number could I charge their phone.” Employers reluctant to allow employees to work flexibly are being shown just how efficiently their office can run without everyone needing to be in the same room for eight and a half hours a day. Grouchy lecturers have been strong armed into recording their lectures and educators working with children on the autism spectrum have been delighted at how well their students respond to an online delivery.

June Opie and the other ‘polios’ ushered in a movement of disability rights in New Zealand. For the first half of the 20th century, the disabled community in New Zealand were written off as ‘defectives’, usually removed from their families and placed in boys and girls homes. The separation of the sexes was intentional to ‘prevent breeding’. But coming into the 1950s, after the world wars and debilitating epidemics of polio, every person now knew someone affected by a physical disability. Segregating and ignoring the disabled was no longer going to cut it. This was a generation that refused to be silenced. J.B. Munro was another disability activist that suffered polio as a baby and was subsequently fostered out by his parents and made a ward of the state. He had a key role at IHC New Zealand Paraplegic Trust Appeal, and was key in driving the Disabled Persons’ Community Welfare Act through Parliament in the 1970s.

During my conversation with Eileen, she brings up the topic of ongoing grief. Isolation completely shifts the landscape for how we grieve and how we celebrate. Without mass gatherings, families cannot say goodbye to their loved ones using the traditions that help them process their grief. Both

then and now patients are not allowed visitors in hospital. I couldn’t find any accounts of the parents of those who died of polio, and they have long since passed, but some families were not able to be with their children when they died. Eileen knows of two deaths on her block in the last month where the family were unable to hold a tangi. The urupa is nearby but they can only visit it one at a time, unable to comfort each other in person or meet to share stories about the person they’ve lost.

The butterfly effect dictates that every event has unexpected consequences. A butterfly flaps its wings and a tornado forms on the other side of the world. An electrical storm cut the power in New York City and hip hop was born. Tip Top established themselves as New Zealand’s ice cream giant after cornering the market all summer in 1947-48 with their TT2 ice blocks. Who would have thought COVID-19 would inspire an instant coffee renaissance. Korean YouTubers have introduced us to Dalgona coffee, and we have slurped it up—two tablespoons of coffee, sugar, and hot water at a time. At an excessive six teaspoons of instant coffee, every cup has left me visibly shaking, but still, I keep going back for more. Who will be the next Tip Top and emerge victorious?

Will it be the local Greggs, the unassuming Nescafé , or the bougie Moccona. My money’s on Nescafé . There are too many Otago alumni violently sick at the smell of Greggs.

“Don’t waste a good crisis” is a common saying in the Nordic mental health system. Difficult times can be the most transformative. Both the polio epidemics of the past and the current COVID-19 pandemic. Any large scale event highlights the massive inequalities that bubble away under the surface. Transmission may not discriminate but the impacts of lockdown have hit hard.

How will this time be remembered seven decades from now?

FEATURE: A NATION IN PARALYSIS

15

We Still Make Meaning WORDS BY SHANTI MATHIAS | SHE/HER

16

I go running six days a week. I’ve always known it was important for me to feel good in my body, but as lockdown continues, it is vested with a new significance. I can’t see my friends, visit the library, and go to classes, but I can still move my body.

Running is my moment of continuity: something that is part of my life in ordinary circumstances that I can hold on to, and know that everything else will come back.

block to emulate a walk to work; ‘I’m going outside, I’m looking after myself.’” She thinks movement is essential, too; she goes for a walk each morning before breakfast.

Going running is a habit, but it’s more than that; it’s also a ritual.

Professor Brigitte Bönisch-Brednich, an anthropologist who teaches at Victoria, defines ritual as “a sequence of events invested with symbolic significance”. Anthropologists study ritual, and the role it plays in society. “Eating breakfast is a habit, not a ritual,” Bönisch-Brednich says, “but if you Instagram your food, then it might be a ritual.”

Under lockdown, the house is where we eat and sleep and socialize and work and study and exercise; where we despair, dream, demoralize, and debauch. It is difficult to demarcate between these activities when they all happen in the same space. Movement between activities can help.

“[Rituals] make meaning out of time...so it’s not just one damned thing after another,” says Tim McKenzie, a vicar at St Michael’s Church in Kelburn. Rituals can be annual, like Christmas, Waitangi Day, Matariki. They can be weekly, like going to the mosque on Friday, Tuesday pub quizzes, Wednesday student nights in town. Any repeated action which contains symbolism and meaning can be a ritual; rituals mean different things to different people.

Lockdown changes social patterns, which impacts many kinds of rituals, whether around religion, exercise, or food.

“I’ve just had to improvise,” Raymond Pan, a fourth year law and English student said. His bubble is with his grandparents in Palmerston North so he can help them with shopping and their house. He’s lost his ritual of going to the gym at the end of the day; instead, he works out in the garden.

Lots of people miss movement, and are realizing that the space of time it takes to get to uni or work is essential for their wellbeing. Raymond said, “I do miss walking to uni for forty mins each day as I could listen to music and get some fresh air before going to class.”

Selvi Balasubramanian, a fifth year commerce and history student, said that she missed her commute too. “The bus to uni, the walk to work, the walk home, that was my time to be by myself and listen to my podcasts… I miss that because there’s no equivalent now.”

Brigitte says the ritual of walking to work incorporates “an enormous significance.” In lockdown, there is an attempt to echo that. “[People] get dressed and walk around their

Lockdown means new rituals, such as watching the 1pm press conferences. “A lot of people have developed free time at 1 o’clock to watch the update; they are streaming or recording it, watching it together, Zooming while they watch and talk to each other, have their lunch or cup of coffee,” Bönisch-Brednich says. This ritual is not about an individual or a bubble. It’s something that New Zealanders collectively engage in, connected in separation through a hunger for information.

Formal social structures also develop around “the bubble.”

“Calling it the bubble was a stroke of brilliance; people can hang meaning onto that,” Bönisch-Brednich says. The term bubble helps remind me who these people are who I live with, and how we must act for collective safety. I watch my friends’ Facebook stories about their bubble parties and their bubble running onto the street in a rainstorm.

Lockdown has most dramatically changed the shape of socializing. “Church, community groups, university, and veggie market shops maintain structure in my non-lockdown life,” says Maryeke Kok, a third year Health student. She is in lockdown with her family in Cambridge. She’s had to replace these activities digitally. “I’ve been on multiple video calls every day…it’s the next best thing to being in person.” This constant communication is new to her. “Before lockdown, I’d just wait until I next saw someone to catch up with them.”

“Lots of rituals develop around socialising,” BönischBrednich says. “[There’s a need to] reassure yourself of relationships and friendships which becomes important, you reassure yourself that you have these connections because they don’t occur naturally at the moment.” She has

FEATURE: WE STILL MAKE MEANING

17

"It can be exhausting; after an hour-long video call and online church, I don’t feel like signing in to the Zoom dance party, to be alone and with other people at the same time."

an older friend who she calls every morning and asks the same questions, just to check in; calls with family members in Europe are also particularly important. She also watches concerts and performances with friends, then discusses it over Zoom.

Whether it’s doing the Stuff trivia quiz online together, having a dance party over Zoom, or using Discord to play games with others, digital technology creates new rituals of socialising. It can be exhausting; after an hour-long video call and online church, I don’t feel like signing in to the Zoom dance party, to be alone and with other people at the same time.

Brigitte notes that during lockdown, some rituals cannot be observed. This is particularly prominent for religious rituals, such as funerals. “There’s an incredibly high importance to being with people as they die,” she says. During lockdown, that’s simply not possible. While some funeral parlours offer to store the body until loved ones can gather to bury it, or others observe digital funerals, there is “no way to commemorate as a collective, gather around the body and make sure that everyone sees that person pass from the living to the dead.”

As a vicar, Tim has had to think about the absence of rituals, although he hasn’t had to run a funeral service during lockdown yet, a fact for which he is grateful. “Funerals are about an absence, and if you’re not able to be with the body the grief may be intensified.”

Clare Land, a first year anthropology student who is in lockdown in Northland, was unable to attend her grandfather’s tangi. “Going to tangi was such a big thing for me growing up...everyone comes together, mourns together, processes as a community,” she says. Instead, with her parents, she lit a candle in the garden and sang a song, posting a video of this to the whānau group chat.

18

WORDS BY SHANTI MATHIAS

“It was bizarre, because that is not how you usually do a tangi.”

She’d been able to see him several weeks earlier, so felt like she’d done her grieving then.

Communion, too—taking the bread and wine as Jesus’s body and blood—is different during lockdown. While some church traditions, such as the Baptist movement, are relaxed about people using ordinary bread and grape juice, Anglican’s and Catholics acknowledge that there is both a spiritual and physical element to communion, so require the bread and wine to be blessed by a priest. “We have to make do,” Tim says. “We are reminded that we can’t do the full ritual at the moment...but if the physical stuff is important, being reminded of the absence reminds us of what we are to each other.”

Some of the rituals emerging in lockdown will be resilient, and some will not. “[After lockdown] I’d enjoy keeping up with going on regular walks and exercising with my family,” Maryeke says. Selvi, too, will try to maintain some of the rituals she’s developed in lockdown. “I’d love to keep doing yoga and meditation, especially ten minutes of meditation in the morning when I just stare into space.” Rituals are resilient, Bönisch-Brednich says, when “they have meaning that can be mediated or manipulated; if it loses its meaning, it disappears.”

At the moment, I’m praying with other people in my bubble three times a day: in the morning, at midday, and evening.

It is time to acknowledge that there is a world of hope beyond the walls; to find focus in the blurry days, of things achieved and unachieved. Once we have classes to virtually attend, more places to be outside of the house, this will not be sustainable. But the ritual has served its purpose. It has given me structure and meaning, something to clasp onto when the rest of the world is beyond reach.

FEATURE: WE STILL MAKE MEANING

19

20

JOSH HART-VRIJKOTTE 21

Accessory not Supported WORDS BY KII

Our connection was never the strongest.

22

When her grandparents passed, her tears did the same a few days after when she booked a flight to Paris. The $56k inheritance they left her was debited into the account by her family trust before the bodies had even been laid to rest.

Aspirations of owning land or real estate had become more realistic for her, but she felt bad rejoicing in the death of her nan.

When my grandparents passed, I lugged myself halfway across the world on a hospo wage to see the people that raised me. Limited to spend $150 on the whole trip and rely on family wasn’t on my agenda, but I had to see their faces one more time. Even though I didn’t recognise the faces anymore, I knew who they were. My tears left when my plane departed en route for Auckland.

We were not the same. I wasn’t better than her, but it was clear to us both that we were different to one another.

I missed meals with my family, while she was missing from meals with her family. We scraped the plate differently.

My compost bin was much more of a dog bowl than a means to save the planet. She saved for the future that was never promised, and I spent for the time we had now.

Our connection was never the strongest.

We were that apple charger you gotta bend to make it work.

Left by your bedside, hanging off the edge, held together by duct tape and a blind hope that it would work. Sometimes we charged. Sometimes we woke up and the phone was dead.

Connection, or acceptance, is something we chase all the way to the grave. Whether we join a cult or a political party, humans are craving acceptance like the next meal.

Scraping for that spark that will one day blossom into a reliable connection, filled with memories, passions, and landmarks on the journey.

From infancy we attempt to trust objects, environments, and people around us. From certain doors to the faces of family, a lot of trust and mistrust is developed. Through our young adulthood, we aim to answer the question of intimacy or isolation. Asking yourself the pivotal question, “Do I have time for close relationships and intimacy, or is isolation comforting?”.

"Humans are craving acceptance like the next meal."

My journey for connection has fluctuated between the Wi-Fi connection and the Bluetooth speaker two floors down at a flat party. Unlike my phone, I don’t have a wireless adapter installed inside of me, and searching for a good connection isn’t as easy as entering ‘1234’ as the passcode.

My phone lets me know when this is a bad connection, but my brain does not. I have folded and bent through

nooks and crannies with people, just to find out there was nothing there. Finding people who accepted me, but we had nothing in common. People who took advantage of my energy and left with more of me than I had to give. Our motives, journeys, and lives were different, and over time the bond faded. Some of these ended in manipulation, and in rare circumstances, abuse. Thankfully, some ended in loneliness and isolation, which is an unfortunate solace.

Often I would end up in faulty sockets. Walking through red flags like static, making my neck hairs stand. I’d wake up to a glaring message that read, “This accessory is not supported by this device”. I’d start the search all over again —searching for a form of acceptance, no matter what morals or values I cast away. Like I was trying to plug in a refrigerator with a Macbook charger, and I was going to make it work if it killed me.

What would the boys say if I told them I walked to Wadestown just to feel a connection with someone I could talk to openly about things? It’s easier telling them I was out for coffee the whole day. I’m embarrassed to disclose my search for connection because of its imperfections. I’d rather let my phone die than ask for a charger at your house, in the same way I would fake being content in avoidance of looking lonely.

Good relations allowed me to feel accepted beyond barriers.

Through walls and cities, the connection never faded. I had MSN Messenger friends at a young age that turned into Facebook friends and my Top 16 on Bebo. My parents never understood it was my generation’s idea of a pen pal, but they learned to love it. My first feeling of intimacy was through a computer screen, and I could never judge on facial features or political beliefs.

Some of those people I lost touch with, and others I still talk to today. It’s no longer a wireless DELL Keyboard I type to them on, it’s a touch keyboard on a cracked iPhone 7.

I wonder if that makes me sound any different.

This wasn’t a tick on a box or a tattoo of their name on my left calf. It was a light at the end of a tunnel that didn’t end.

Good and bad connections came and went, and my battery went dry as time went on.

I’m convinced the perfect connection doesn’t exist, and I’ve stopped searching for it. Beyond love, intimacy, and good friendships, sometimes your battery is drained by the bad bonds you have. Our iPhones have the ability to charge, but I can’t always regain my energy.

She grieved in a villa in San Vittore, and I grieved in a church.

Still, our connection was enough for me to feel accepted for who I really was. There was no grace said before her meal and the money in her savings account is triple mine. I could have grown to detest this person for their privilege, and their different journey. I could have resisted their words and made light of their situation, but I craved acceptance so much I gave up a part of myself.

FEATURE: ACCESSORY NOT SUPPORTED

23

Where Do The Pigeons Play?

WORDS BY MATTHEW CASEY | HE/HIM

24

New Zealand is home to one of the most beautiful pigeons in the world—the Kererū. You sometimes see them up Kelburn ways. This glorious bird is the only living pigeon which is native to mainland New Zealand. Our nation's only other native pigeon being its very closely related, Chatham Islander cousin, the Parea. The Kererū, our 2018 champion for Bird of the Year, is a valuable part of our native ecosystem.

Their ability to spread seeds is integral to the regeneration of our native forests. They’re not endangered and spend their days getting drunk off of fermented fruit.

“Ooooooh the Kereru is sooooo cool” you may say, but what about its cousin that no one loves?

The Rock Dove, The Flying Rat, Columba livia, a bird of many talents, the Feral Pigeon. Jack from Coronation Street used to have them as pets. Pokemon #016, the Pidgey is named after these beauties. The most hype Nike sneaker of all time, Jeff Staple’s collab “Pigeon” SB Dunks, are an homage to these specimens. You see them everywhere from foraging through bins at uni, to foraging through bins on Cuba Street.

There’s no good stats out there, but I reckon we’ve got a ratio of three pigeons for every one Wellingtonian.

With the nation in lockdown, I had a lot of time to think.

We’re not accidentally leaving pie crumbs at the bus stop or utilizing the public bins anymore. In an environment where the majority of their food is sourced from us, my question is, are the pigeons eating good?

There was a fabled Vic Deals post about how to look after the pigeons during level 4. Sadly, due to powers outside of my control, the post has disappeared faster than a girl I'm courting at a house party when I tell her that Pitbull is in my top 10 artists. I was all a bit lost, so I decided to reach out to a panel I highly regard, my Instagram followers. A very commonly held belief was that the entire COVID-19 situation was a facade for the government to have enough time to recharge the pigeon’s batteries. This would allow them to resume their role as pigeon spies in the CBD. I’m not validating these claims in any way but I have noticed some birds wearing lanyards on Lambton Quay with their key card, indicating they are bureaucrats.

My mate Emile reckons that there is actually a pigeon council hidden away and it frightens him. The pigeons are all perched up, deciding who they will poo on when the world is back to normal. Another thing I heard were reports from fellow concerned weird people who care about what’s happening with the Rock Doves. They have noticed there are a lot less when they walk down to New World Metro, they’re seeing even less when they stay at home and are watching tv.

pigeons. Def not us, tho.” I then gave Wellington City Council a call—they are, in fact, these pigeons’ local council. Since they do not have a pigeon health and wellbeing department, the council did not have the most in depth information about what is happening to them. They did however inform me that the amount of rubbish generated is down. There are still pigeon feeders who are popping up and making it their duty to provide the pigeons with some sustenance. Shoutouts to these people doing it out of love for the pigeons.

I was able to get in contact with Colin Miskelly, an ornithologist from Te Papa. He told me that the current COVID-19 situation would not really affect birds as a whole. In the case of the Myna bird, commonly found further north, they have moved from eating road kill insects to eating insects on farms because there are less vehicles on the roads, so less roadkill.

He did tell me that he had seen one case of a large amount of pigeons in someone's driveway on the Abel Smith Street end of The Terrace. He said pigeons are likely congregating at private residences to get their food. Since everyone is at home, there is enough time for people, who care enough, to actively feed pigeons. This reaffirms the council's stance that there are people out there who make it their duty to feed the pigeons. That’s why you will not see them in Te Aro Park a.k.a Pigeon Park. They have simply moved on to where they can get food. I asked if they would be getting skinnier: the answer, paraphrased—not really, because they’ll get their feeds elsewhere.

“I think WCC are in charge of the city pigeons. Def not us, tho.”

– Forest and Bird NZ Judging from my multiple passing ons from organisations, people widely are not that fussed about pigeons. The Feral Pigeon is deemed to be a pest bird species here in New Zealand. Despite my newly found passion for pigeon wellbeing, it is understandable that people don't like them.

There’s concern about them being able to carry disease, their faeces can ruin your brand new I.AM.GIA jacket, and they might just annoy you.

We’re in some dark days, we can’t smash a box of mavs with the boys or even have a cheeky little High School Musical and wine night with the girls. But please, I urge you, think of the pigeons. They probably don't care but maybe, just maybe, they could be talking about you at their weird pigeon council, deciding whether or not they ‘gift’ you their faeces for ‘good luck’.

So, which higher-ups actually care about these infamous feathered friends? When I approached Forest and Bird NZ, they said, and I quote: “I think WCC are in charge of the city

FEATURE: WHERE DO THE PIGEONS PLAY?

25

How to Not Kill Your Partner: an intensive 4 (?) week course WORDS BY GRACE CLARKE | SHE/HER

As an international student who most definitely wasn’t trekking all the way home to Scotland when this shit hit the fan (sorry, Dad), I found myself in a bit of a predicament when it came to where I would be isolating.

that was his heart or his dick talking. I mean, I know it was the latter, but a thrush infection, heavy period, and IUD-insertion later, I’m sure he’s questioning whether simply isolating with his right hand would have been more fun.

Option one—stay with my two gym-lad, fuccboi flatmates who have used the shower instead of toilet paper to clean their assholes for months, even before the Great Toilet Paper Shortage began (such innovators). I love my flatmates, don’t get me wrong, but when they proudly showed me their cupboard full of just chilli beans as they stocked up for the end of the world, I became concerned for my nostrils.

Ah, to be back in the blissful ignorance of pre-lockdown, where we could take shits without our significant other listening in.

That left me with option two (my only other option)—staying with my boyfriend. He offered for me to stay at his flat as soon as the lockdown was announced, but I’m not sure if

I know I’m not the only one who has been lucky enough to get to stay with their partner during isolation. And so, for the bargain price of your undivided attention (please love me), I present to you some tried and tested top-tips for anyone in a similar situation, or really just for those who are new to living with their partner. I can’t promise these will stop you from having murderous thoughts about your significant other, but they’ll hopefully at least prevent you from carrying through with the plan.

GET SOME SLEEP

As your Nana, your nurse, and VUWSA have already told you, sleep is a magical fucking cure for everything. While no, Susan, sleeping eight hours a night won’t cure my mental health problems, a lack of sleep definitely doesn’t help relations with your partner when you’re stuck in the same 5x3 meter room. I’d recommend trying to go to bed around the same time as each other, instead of, say, letting your girlfriend fall asleep before staying up to play Minecraft for four hours.

26

Annoyed at your partner for waking you up when they go for a piss at 6am after drinking too much beer? Just have a nap in the afternoon, and make sure not to be foolish enough to be awoken by your true love jerking-off in their ergonomic gaming chair, only 10 minutes into your peaceful beauty sleep. But, if you are stupid enough not to be a deep sleeper, remember that your partner was “just watching a video about Dungeons and Dragons”, and they would never lie to you! Some bonus advice: if you have Grown Up flatmates with Real Jobs that are working from home, try to avoid waking them up by vomiting at 3am after finishing a bottle of gin during an at-home, Jacinda-approved ‘pub quiz’ (sorry, Megan).

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES

Nothing brings a family together like a heartwarming meal.

If you also love food more than your significant other, yet happen to be dating an undernourished sadboi who would happily live off three meals of marmite and crackers per-week, now is your time to shine. The best way to trick your partner into eating the bare minimum of two meals a day (with maybe an entire vegetable thrown in there) with you? Do all the fucking cooking yourself. You may be able to trick them into making you some Indomie barbeque chicken flavour noodles for lunch (yet even then they’ll find a way to fuck that up), but when it comes to making an actual meal at dinner time, know that it’s all down to you.

Set your expectations really low, and then maybe you’ll be able to find some joy in watching them begrudgingly chop half a red onion, before they go on to complain how it stung their eyes for the remainder of the week. Also, if they ask you a question like “can you even dice carrots?” it’s helpful to imagine you’re teaching a small child to cook to prevent any undesirable harsh words. When they exclaim with more than a hint of surprise that the meal you’ve spent the evening making “actually tastes pretty good”, you can relieve any frustration by scrubbing the pot with all the strength you’ve built up from the last two hours of stirring.

TAKE AN INTEREST IN EACH OTHERS LIFE

Being stuck inside doesn’t mean you can’t have fun together! Now is the perfect time to try out new things, and have a go at some of your significant other’s hobbies. For a cute couple’s activity, I’d personally suggest playing a video game together, especially one that your partner has played for the past ten years. Crying when you die again and again as they rush off into the distance is all just part of the fun.

In addition, just because uni is closed for business doesn’t mean your learning has to stop—your partner is there to help you. If your partner is also cool enough to be a top fan on the Classical Studies Memes for Hellenistic Teens page, you’ll get a great education through them explaining the historical context for every single Classics meme on the internet to you in extreme detail. But, will they want to spend any time learning about what you study or do for fun? Of course not, don’t be silly!

KEEP FIT

***

Don’t panic—being an unfit piece of shit doesn’t have to stop while you’re in quarantine. Although, if tension is running high regarding whose turn it is to buy the weekly supply of alcohol, a nice government-mandated stroll together can really help lighten the mood. Being out in the sunshine and getting vitamin D is proven to help boost serotonin—even if you’re both pale fucks and the subsequent sunburn results in an argument about who should have brought the sunscreen. And of course, counting the number of good dogs you get to see while you’re walking will solve any problem. Seriously though, dogs do make everything better.

I hope by the time you’re reading this, you’ll be legally allowed to go back to wanking in the privacy of your own bedroom. But, as COVID-19 gives no fucks about the state of your relationship, these lifesaving tips are here for you if you do still happen to be stuck together. Or, if you (for some unknown reason) actually choose to live with your partner after this, I hope my expert advice will help keep you sane.

Even those we love the most can be tough to handle in intensive doses, but this apocalypse has really shown that we love them regardless of their (many) flaws.

FEATURE: HOW TO NOT KILL YOUR PARTNER: AN INTENSIVE 4(?) WEEK COURSE

27

I want to eat with you

"I want to eat" I really do I long to be beside you Sharing a laugh Sharing a stare Knowing deep down You are there I am here We are But I know in my heart That can never be That longing inside Needs to derive From me I give myself the strength The want to do So when I eat It’s shared with you But done only from me And only I can choose Which one gets The kind of food Or booze To choose

–Waitahi McGee Ngāti Wai Ngāti Tūwharetoa Maniapoto Ngāti Tama ki Te Tau Ihu Te Āti Awa

Send your poems to poetry@salient.org.nz

28

POETRY

Liquid Knowledge CAITLIN HICKS | NGĀTI RANGINUI | SHE/HER

BOOMERS, ZOOMERS, AND … CORONIALS? This COVID nonsense looks set to be the defining global event of my lifetime. It’s the first time I've lived through something historically significant and been able to comprehend how it will affect my future.

In a testament to the ~unprecedented-ness~ of our current situation, last month UN Secretary-General António Guterres warned the global community that "COVID-19 is the greatest test that we have faced together since the formation of the United Nations", which, FYI, happened SEVENTY-FIVE years ago.

I already know that this is something we'll tell our tamariki about. This week, I got on the family Whatsapp, asking three generations of my family: what event in your lifetime made you believe that life as you knew it might change forever?

My 20-year-old brother offered "Richie McCaw's retirement from international rugby", and my sister broke the cardinal rule of no politics in the chat with some snarky comment about the 2017 election. After sorting through a maddening amount of shitposting about Doomsday 2012 and the clutch 2006 FIFA World Cup Final, I banned everyone under age 40 from responding, and finally had some answers to work with.

In October of 1962, my nana was 15, and America had just sighted Soviet ballistic missiles in Cuba. We had never been closer to an all-out nuclear war. President Kennedy addressed the United States, and "had the world transfixed", when he confirmed that any nuclear missile launched from Cuba would be taken as an attack by the Soviet Union, attracting full retaliation from the USA. Nana truly believed that Coventry (of all places) would be the first city obliterated in the impending nuclear apocalypse.

20 years later, Argentina and the United Kingdom were fighting over the Falkland Islands (#JustColonialPower Things). My mum was 11, and during the 10 weeks of (undeclared) war, she lay awake terrified for "probably 9 weeks and 6 days". She'd just learnt about the first two World

Wars and thought that this was number three. Once she heard that "the British are going to war", she wholeheartedly believed that her life was about to be changed forever.

In 2001 my aunties were 28 and 32. When the Twin Towers fell they both believed that WW3 was imminent. It was only this January that US-Iran relations had all of Twitter fearing the same.

Politicians and news media across the globe have been co-opting military vocabulary in attempts to convey the gravity of the current pandemic. In an address to the British public, UK Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, warned: "[w]e will fight this virus with everything we have. We are in a war against an invisible killer". Maybe this is our WW3? Though, unlike what Churchill famously declared in 1940, winning this battle means staying off the beaches.

It feels a touch problematic to compare our current situation to armed conflict. The estimated 500,000 people who have perished (so far) in the Syrian Civil War did not have the privilege of opting out of hostilities by staying in their ‘bubbles’. But, we are fighting some kind of battle here, one which will affect our education, our job prospects, our familial relationships, our friendships, and our hand-washing habits for years to come. Miss Rona came for my mental health, bank account, and employment security harrrrd, lol.

All the uncertainty bubbling away can feel paralysing, but the world will keep turning, just like it did in the 60s, the 80s, the 2000s, and at every other moment in between.

For now, embrace this slower pace of life and, maybe, dip out on your seventh consecutive hour of La Casa de Papel for a chat with your whānau. All of our lives are changing at once. Kia Kaha all.

ISSUE 08: COLUMNS

29

To Be Frank FRANKIE DALE | SHE/HER

CLIT PICS AND DUCKING OVER THE PHONE In the first week of isolation, an old beau of mine came back into my life (digitally) for about four days, before we both realised that we do still in-fact, hate each other.

Reconnecting was fun, but the problems we had in real life were still prominent over text too. I felt like I was putting in a lot of effort during our sexting escapades, even asking if he had finished. I was mortified when he replied ‘yes thanks’.

It’s safe to say that government imposed lockdown has dramatically changed the landscape of dating. The intense urge to reconnect with an ex or fling or even tell someone you like them is a reoccurring discussion within my friend group. Something so dangerous and somewhat liberating is definitely a productive way to spend your time in isolation.

That, or spending a significant amount of time trying to find Ashley Bloomfield’s email. Reply! I just want to talk…

During the first week of isolation, a dear friend of mine called me in a panic. Even though I wasn’t in the mood to talk, as I was mourning my failed iso relationship, I was intrigued. Her ex flame asked her for a photo of her intimates, something neither of us had ever done. I was all for it, if she felt comfortable sending a clit pic then why not? Her takeaway from this experience was that “some secrets should be contained to the inner flux of the labia. Boobs and ass is all I'll do; there’s nothing cute about a clit pic”. Maybe she was right, this wasn’t a trip to the gyno. But this is New Zealand’s first ever government imposed lockdown, and I think that might call for some drastic measures.

Sexting can be kind of confronting. However, I sort of feel like that guy Miranda has phone sex with in Sex and the City after she tells him she wants to put a finger in his ass. Like, it may be awesome in practise, but getting a text from a guy telling me how he’s going to kiss every inch of my skin kind of feels like I’m talking to a predator I met on Reddit.

I must also warn my reader about the grim reality of re-reading over old sexts. And, always spell check, there's nothing sexy about reading ‘I wanna duck you’.

30

ISSUE 08: COLUMNS

There are benefits to sexting and phone sex over real life sex. At least this way I am not having to cajole boys into using a condom. I’m not sure what’s confusing when I say I take the pill when I feel like it.

In all honesty, My dating life hasn’t been as dry as I thought it would be. In the second week of isolation, a complete stranger appeared in my DM’s asking if I wanted to watch Twilight with him when this is all over—this is not a made up story. Some may say unusual, I dare say: bold.

If there is someone you're wanting to hit up but feel too shy, maybe now is actually the time. One word of advice is to play it cool. There is genuinely nothing worse than being asked to play the question game at the ripe age of 21. Last time I checked, this was a game we all played in high school to see how sexually inclined your crush was—“have u ever done stuff B4?”. If you haven’t seen my naked body I am not telling you about the trauma of my childhood. Be chill, but...bold.

The reality of this isolation period in regards to dating is simple. There are no rules, text anyone your little heart desires. I mean it, who cares. Your ex wants to hear from you, they are so bored. That person you want to text is potentially dying for you to make the first move. Send that nude you’ve been storing up. But, most importantly take care of yourself and for the love of god, please proof read your ducking sexts.

I would like to quickly take this time to pay respects to my instagram penpal I recently lost. Our relationship couldn’t quite take the distance COVID-19 has imposed on us but I’d like to quickly say, you were very witty and we did have great surface conversation. I am hopeful he has found someone new to hit up after an evening spent doing ketamine and lying on his living room floor.

UniQ UNIQ EXECUTIVE TEAM

LOCAL QUEERS BEWILDERED BY LOCKDOWN Will Eland (They/Them) Lockdown has been weird, y’all. I’m living in my nice flat, with my queer flatmates and many animals, so I would say I’m doing pretty well during this turbulent time. I did, however, just have one of the weirdest experiences in my life: surgery in a near empty hospital.

As far as I can tell, there were maybe three other patients max in the hospital with me that day. Every nurse and doctor had masks and face shields on. Everyone avoided coming too close to me unless it was necessary for what we were doing. It was incredibly surreal for me, especially once I was on a lot of pain killers.

It doesn't help that I was dead-named for my entire hospital stay. At least i can recover in my own flat, with my queer bubblemates, and the queer community but a click away.

Still not sure I'd recommend having surgery during lockdown though. Maybe just stay home and make gay bread with your gay bubblemates.

Miia and Rosie van Beusekom (They/Them) Lockdown? With sick children? Sign us the fuck up—what a month it has been… night-long parties with copious amounts of drugs (prescription—all of them) and alcohol consumed.

Lockdown has been an experience for us both, from navigating working from home to studying remotely to trying to run UniQ from afar. We’ve been lucky to have support from Miia’s parents, giving us different people to talk to and giving us that oh-so-precious Quiet Time™. Lucky to also have the space afforded by said parents’ semi-rural house, with calves, alpaca, and plenty of vegetables to pick.

Safe to say we’ll be celebrating the relative freedom of Level 2 when it one day arrives (not to mention the quiet time afforded by kindy days), but we’ve also been able to spend much more uninterrupted time with the kids this lockdown period, and returning to work and university will be bittersweet.

Caitlyn Mahony (She/They) DAY 2: Things are going well. [continuing optimism redacted for time] DAY 5: My OCD already wasn't doing too well, and now all of the hand sanitiser and virtually all the soap in the city is gone.

The streets are so empty now. It's unnerving.

DAY 12?: Lost track of time a while ago. People keep mentioning ‘week two’, I think at this point I have to trust them on it. Grocery runs are fraught with peril. Paranoia reigns as masked guards flank the entrance to my local Countdown. It's cold.

DAY??: I'm in two D&D games now over Discord. I haven't spoken at length to somebody other than my flatmate in person for weeks. Months? Someone mentioned a public holiday that happened recently. I think I remember when that used to mean something to me.

DAY???: I've thought a lot about it and... I'm non-binary?

Fuck!

Brock Stobbs (He/Him) The lockdown has made it abundantly clear that no matter how shy or anti-social I can be, I am ultimately an extrovert.

How can I tell? Well, with only my family for immediate socialising and connection, I am dying.

The many video chats I have had (all brought to me by Zoom!) only do so much. It makes me realise that the period of online teaching/learning we will be experiencing postlockdown will not go well, at least for me.

Running UniQ from afar, however, has been surprisingly enjoyable. I would boil it down to the fact that all of us millennials and zoomers can actually use technology, like properly.

ISSUE 08: COLUMNS

31

Mauri Ora DR CATHY STEPHENSEN

HOW TO STAY POSITIVE AND WELL DURING LOCKDOWN AND BEYOND At the start of 2020, none of us could have imagined the events that have unfolded around the world in just a few short weeks. The backdrop to our lives has changed, and this uncertain ‘new world’ we are living in can bring with it anxiety, loneliness, sadness, unease, and even panic—all of which can impact hugely on our hauora, or wellbeing. This must be even harder for those students who aren’t able to be with their whānau or loved ones during this time. It’s easy to see how this current COVID situation could trigger mental health issues in even the most resilient of us.

None of us can predict how long this will last, so taking these proactive steps now to focus on the positives will help ensure that you and your fellow students come out of lockdown in a good frame of mind: Firstly, try and reframe how you view ‘lockdown’. Instead of seeing this as some sort of confinement or restraint, try and think of it as a rare opportunity to focus on your home and yourself. Terry Waite, the famous Briton who was held hostage for almost 5 years in appalling conditions, recently said: “Change your mindset: you’re not STUCK at home, you’re SAFE at home”. Wise words.

Maintain some sort of routine during the day. Get up at a regular time, make sure you get outside each day and absorb some vitamin D, stick to ‘normal’ mealtimes, keep your living space clean and tidy, and go to bed as you usually would.

This will reassure your brain that you are still in control and there is some normality amidst the global chaos.

Connect with others. Although this is not as easy as it was pre-lockdown, we are blessed to live in an era with so many options for connecting online. Set aside a bit of time each day to zoom or group chat with mates you haven’t spoken to for a while, or call relatives who will appreciate you checking in.

32

ISSUE 08: COLUMNS

Challenge your brain, particularly if you are not able to study at the moment. There are numerous online resources, but some fun ones include jigsaws (jigsawexplorer.com), quizzes (jetpunk.com/tags/all), and brain teasers (gamesforthebrain. com) Get physical. Exercise releases endorphins that make us feel calm and happy and will do wonders for your post-lockdown fitness! Youtube videos are a great start. Try beginner’s yoga (Yoga with Adriene), kickboxing (POPSUGAR Fitness), a high-intensity training session (SELF) or just focus on your core (FitnessBlender).

If you have any time left after all this, I can highly recommend the online course run by Yale, on happiness and wellbeing.

Join over a million other users at coursera.org/learn/ the-science-of-well-being, and take the opportunity to come through this a more positive, resilient individual.

And please remember, if you are feeling low despite all this, and would like some more advice or support, the health, counselling, and wellbeing teams at Mauri Ora are still here, albeit a little more remotely than we were.

Please don’t hesitate to call or email us on 04 463 5308 or student-health@vuw.ac.nz, or visit Piki on piki.org.nz for a list of resources and external supports.

Student Wellbeing NIA GENDALL | SHE/HER

Disabled Students’ Association ANONYMOUS

LOCKED IN What a crazy, weird stressful time! Never would I have thought that this is how 2020 would turn out—confined to my flat due to a pandemic. We've been thrown a few curve balls in the past few years as a country, but none like this.

Life as a student is on hold completely. Confined to our homes and only essential travel and outings, this has looked different for those in our student community. For me, it has meant lockdown at my flat with two good friends, as I was unable to travel home as the risk of infection to an immunocompromised family member was too high. Despite missing my family, staying in Wellington has allowed me to be a part of our Student Volunteer Army. It has been awesome to see the response from students and their willingness to help out our communities, something that students don’t get enough credit for.

The current pandemic has seen student life as we know it turned upside down, with the transition being made to online learning. It’s important to acknowledge that this is not what we signed up for. Will I be motivated enough to keep up with studying online? Will I ever do readings? Will watching lectures from my bed be a good idea? Questions I do not yet know the answer to but one can only be hopeful that we all manage to make a smooth transition into online learning.

The Student Wellbeing Awareness Team are transitioning to online platforms. You can find us on Instagram and Facebook by typing in SWAT VUW. Check us out over the coming weeks and months for wellbeing chats and activities. If we can help in any way don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Stay connected, stay safe, stay healthy, and stay home!

In the bible, Jesus tells John to walk on water—relationships are a bit like that. In socialization, we don’t normally get out of the boat, walk on the water between us and them. But if we want connection with others, it is necessary to let your guard down.

So why is vulnerability so difficult? Western culture has glorified strength for as long as it has existed. Based upon cultural beliefs about strength, many of us feel an incessant need to be thick-skinned and showing external strength, but sometimes that is not our internal experience. So no one is completely strong.

The part of us that has been hurt, which we hide away from the world, needs the most love. I am currently processing behaviour that was triggered by someone else's trauma, that caused me trauma. This cycle is commonly known. Now my question is: who is my traumatized self going to hurt?

The answer hopefully is no one. But that means being brave and being vulnerable. Sometimes bravery tells us to let our weaker selves speak, so it can heal. To do this takes true individual and inter relational strength.

Strength is admired in society. But what is strong about hiding a part of our humanity? What strength is there in not allowing ourselves to feel the full spectrum of emotions that is common to mankind? I find the more I try, the more aggravated I become. This aggravation often leads to division. So how is not allowing ourselves to feel our pain, which is a common human experience, and has the potential to deepen relationships due to being vulnerable with others, not a sign of strength? Is allowing ourselves to not be ok a sign of bravery? Surely it faces the fear of rejection?

Bravery is also admired by society. So, if healing from trauma takes bravery and strength, then what is weak about showing our pain?

ISSUE 08: COLUMNS

33

Feel like pure shit just want my stove back x

WILL ELAND | THEY/THEM I don't think there’s ever a good time to accidentally drop the heavy cast iron lid of your crock pot onto your glass induction stove-top, sending cracks through the elements, but I’d say that during lockdown might be one of the worst times to do so.

Prior to me rendering our entire stove nonfunctional, my flatmates and I had been cooking up a veritable feast every day to wile away the hours. We’ve had lasagnes with homemade pasta, chillies, nachos, stews, soups, steaks, and we even made our own tortillas and stacks on stacks of crepes. We have made meringues, homemade ice cream, baguettes—honestly, everything under the sun that we had the ingredients for.

Now we have had to rethink everything we can cook to only those that can be made in a rice cooker, slow cooker, microwave, oven, and toastie maker (thankfully, we are hoarders of kitchen appliances. I have a chocolate fountain that I don’t think I’ve ever used).

This has led me back to a childhood, and university student, favourite—the humble toastie.

It’s versatile! It’s delicious! You can pretend it’s healthy depending on what you put in and who’s watching you put things in as you’re making it! It can be as fancy or as lazy as you want, and best of all, I don’t need a stovetop to make it.

(Honestly I have no idea how long it will take to repair our stove/get it replaced. We’re trying to hunt down a camping stove but so far we haven’t found it. I think it’s in the garage and I'm scared of the garage. Send us your good vibes) The first toastie I grew up knowing was a heart attack in two slices of bread. Named the Roastie Toastie by my brother and I, it was easy to make.

34

REVIEWS: FOOD

Ingredients: •

2 slices of highly processed white bread

•

Approx. 1/3rd a tin of hot dogs, each hot dog sliced in half lengthways

That’s it. Put a slice of bread in the machine, delicately lay down your hot dogs, place your second slice atop and cook.

I’m not going to pretend this recipe was healthy. My parents were, I believe, horrified by my brother and I’s eating habits.

But it was delicious, reached right to the part of my soul that craves to eat only the most unhealthy and indulgent of foods.

The bread soaks up all of the hot dog juices (oh yeah, pour some of them over the bread) and crisps in the machine.

The hot dogs melt and soften in the heat. I promise, however unappetizing you may think this is, it is one of the best foods in the world.

Perhaps you want to be artisan—homemade ingredients, actual nutrients, colour in your food. For you, dear reader, I would suggest you start one day ahead of mealtime and begin by baking your own bread (assuming, of course, you’ve managed to find flour somewhere). Get some actual, named meat—perhaps an Italian sausage; pork, fennel, and as bougie as can be for a student. Use some cress, drape some finely sliced jalapenos across, go ham on your vege draw and sauce shelf.

Or maybe you’re very middle of the road—in which case you can’t go wrong with a tin of spaghetti, some cheese, and whatever bread you have lying around. You’re in charge of your own fancy food levels.

Before I go, I want to say that I hope you all still have fully functioning kitchens and can experiment with your cooking.

However, the world is your toastie, my friends. Make of it what you will.

Hi Hens!

Plumbella Youtuber Review

BROCK STOBBS | HE/HIM To say I have had a lot of time on my hands is an understatement. Unfortunately for me, having lots of time has not made my attention span any longer. So, while tons of people seem to be flocking to Netflix to ride out the lockdown, I have turned to YouTube and to one YouTuber in particular.

Jesse explores some of the darker mechanics of the game and pushes it to its limits when utilising some of the more peculiar and comedic methods of death. Definitely one of my favourites.

Plumbella, also known as Jesse McNamara, is a YouTuber from Middlesbrough, United Kingdom. The name Plumbella I have deduced to being derived from the Plumbob (the diamond that appears above Sims) and her dog’s name… maybe?

You would think by making a video on a game from 2001 all I’d be able to focus on is the questionable graphics. But this video brings out the nostalgia and Jesse plays the game with such wonder that it feels like I’m reliving a memory.

It’s safe to say she’s a Sims YouTuber. Her content is predominantly centred around the video game series The Sims (which is how I came across her) but she also makes forays into other games, largely for nostalgic purposes, such as Bratz: Forever Diamondz (2006), Animal Crossing: New Horizons (2020) and Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001).

Her style of content is not so uncommon on YouTube. Shorter videos, usually 10-20 minutes long, that are condensed versions of longer sessions, laden with comedic edits, memes (although I hesitate to say that for risk of people assuming it is cringe), and cut for quick consumption. It’s a style that works perfectly for someone like myself, who finds themselves constantly pausing other things like movies or tv shows. I was not kidding when I said my attention span was short.

And while her style of content may not be ground-breaking, what sets her apart is her personality and how she infuses it in every video. Whether it’s something emblematic of her working-class upbringing such as deriding capitalism, the ‘Tories’ or Margaret Thatcher (as she should), or the chaotic energy she manages to bring to literally any game, Plumbella’s videos have captured my attention. With that being said, I thought I’d share a bit on some of her videos.

Torturing my Sims but i take it TOO FAR Now, I swear the video is not as dark as the title may suggest.

Playing Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone...in 2020

Tom Nook is a dirty thieving lying tory.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons has taken the lockdown world by storm and it’s made its way onto Jesse’s channel.

For a game designed to be inclusive of children and thus quite calm, she somehow manages to make it a chaotic experience for all.

Some other videos I think you should have a gander at are: •

A cursed video for my 666th upload

•

Playing The Sims 1 on Expert Mode (don't do it)

•

Becoming A Gangster in The Sims: Bustin' Out

•

The Entire History of Plumbella

•

I FINISHED MY MASTER'S DEGREE (Vlog)

Despite the chaotic energy Plumbella gives off, she still manages to make her videos seem calm and tempered.

Maybe it’s the nostalgia of all these old games, or maybe it’s the thick Middlesbrough accent that somehow pacifies it.

Nonetheless, watching her videos has helped me retain my sanity while this lockdown is doing its best to unnerve me.

But, if you end up watching any of her stuff and decide that it is not for you, then fair enough. That is the beauty of YouTube.

Bye Hens.

REVIEWS: YOUTUBER

35

Occupation Station Pop Culture Quiz

1.

What is Jacinda Adern and Clarke Gayford’s child’s full name?

2

3.

4.

11.

Who has more net worth?

Ariana Grande, Bruno Mars, or Pharrell Williams

Which of these fruits isn’t featured in a Harry Styles song title? Kiwi, Strawberry, Watermelon, or Cherry?

12.

Speaking of Pharrell, what year did his big hat cause conversation at the Grammy’s?

What is the name of the hilarious host of the British game show The Chase?

13.

Did Ray Liotta actually star in the 2007 hit The Bee Movie?

14.

What 80’s banger had a music video that featured people jumping into a pencil sketch animation?

Another iconic awards show moment, what song did Kanye West claim deserved to win the VMA over Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me”?

5.

How short is Tom Cruise?

15.

What is the name of the hairstyle that Amy Winehouse had?

6.

Who is the famous International Human Rights Barrister Amal Clooney’s lesser-known husband?

16.

What is the real name of Lana Del Rey?

17.

Who is the creator of American Horror Story and Scream Queens (now on TVNZ On Demand!)?

18.

What is the most liked photo on Instagram?

7.

8.

9.

10.

Who weirdly brought a bunch of celebrities together to sing “Imagine” by John Lennon even though no one fuckin’ asked for it?

What is the name of Ross’ monkey in Friends?

Which politician cares more about the economy than about New Zealanders not dying?

19.

20.

Finish the famous line: “I did not have sexual…”

Who stars as Ellen Ripley in the Sci-Fi classic Alien?

Which beloved children’s show host is returning to television to say “Kia ora, Talofa” in our “special time” of need?

Answers: 1. Neve Te Aroha Adern Gayford, 2. Pharrell Williams at a whopping $130 million, 3. 2014, 4. Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) by Beyoncé, 5. 1.7m/5’6ft short. Or (as he measures it) roughly 7 ½ chihuahuas, 6. George Clooney, 7. Gal Gadot, 8. Marcel, 9. Simon Bridges. Another possible answer was David Seymour, 10. Suzy Cato, 11. Strawberry, 12. Bradley Walsh, 13. Yes, and no, I don’t know why, 14. Take on Me by A-ha, 15. The Beehive, 16. Elizabeth Woolridge Grant, 17. Ryan Murphy, 18. A photo of an egg, by account user @world_record_egg with over 53 million likes, 19. “…relations with that woman.” Bill Clinton denying his affair with Monica Lewinsky, 20. The Honourable Sigourney Weaver.

36

OCCUPATION STATION

Word of the Week: ‘Isolated’

Te Reo Māori:

New Zealand Sign Language:

Mokemoke

4/20/2020

Web Sudoku - Billions of Free Sudoku Puzzles to Play Online

4/20/2020

Web Sudoku - Billions of Free Sudoku Puzzles to Play Online

NZSL: https://www.nzsl.nz/signs/2508

Sudoku Easy Puzzle 7,321,107,758

2 4

7 9

3

8 1

5

9

6 2

1

4

8

3

5

7

2

1

4 Back to puzzle

https://www.websudoku.com/?level=1

2

5

6

Evil Puzzle 4,404,961,053

3 9

3 7

8

6

8

3

1

1 6

7 8 7

4

5

9

7

9

8

3

7 1

Print another...

6

4

9

8

3

8 2

5

9

6

8

7

7

4 8

4

Back to puzzle

Print another...

© Web Sudoku 2020 - www.websudoku.com

© Web Sudoku 2020 - www.websudoku.com

Yeah, go on

Ouch

Brain Teasers 1/1

1. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with the wind. What am I? 2. Only one colour, but not one size. Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun, but not in rain. Doing no harm, and feeling no pain. What am I?

https://www.websudoku.com/?level=4

1/1

3. You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring.

I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. The wind is my enemy. What am I? 4. Can you write down eight eights so that they add up to one thousand?

Answers: 1. An echo, 2. A shadow, 3. A Candle, 4. 888 + 88 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 1000 OCCUPATION STATION

37

Horoscopes MADDI ROWE | THEY/SHE

What better way to encapsulate this time of our lives than with pure, unadulterated Twitter fuckery from Ngaati Awa political commentator (and radio host and columnist and writer) and comrade, Morgan Godfery.

Yes, I have his permission, b4 all you Pols kids come for me.

The signs as @MorganGodfery isolation mania tweets.

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

“WHEN DO WE RESUME THE LAND WARS AGAIN DAY 8 HAUMIS MANA UP”

“good god i should sleep and try to shut the fuck up for at least 24 hours”

8:32AM

9:15PM

“mike hosko is one column away from endorsing the dark lord sauron’s plans to increase productivity in middle earth”

CANCER

LEO

“probably stay up until 4am again consuming gossip girl memes”

“WORK ON UR QUARANTINO RANGATIRATANGA”

11:40PM

8:44PM

LIBRA “i now wear gucci glasses to distract from my lockdown hair and to rub my enormous wealth in the face of my pathetic simps who wait on crumbs from this great account”

“i don’t have to [go] back to university because as a political commentator im already an expert in everything” 11:51PM

38

HOROSCOPES

VIRGO “GRANT ROBERTSON MAKE ME UR FISCAL BITCH” 11:28AM

SCORPIO “‘fuck around and find out’ – Jesus of Nazareth” 4:53PM

SAGITTARIUS “might start some drama because im sad about my father, bernard sanders” 8:42AM

4:27PM

CAPRICORN

7:17PM

AQUARIUS

PISCES

“U HAVE FOUR WEEKS TO DECIDE UR REVOLUTIONARY COMMITMENTS GO”

“MY POOR NEIGHBOUR WHOS ONLY ESCAPE FROM THE HOUSE IS TO HOTBOX HIS CAR”

9:05PM

12:12PM

The Team EDITORS Rachel Trow & Kirsty Frame DESIGN & ILLUSTRATION Rowena Chow NEWS EDITORS Te Aorewa Rolleston & Finn Blackwell

CHIEF REPORTER Annabel McCarthy

SUB EDITOR Alfred Dennis SOCIAL MEDIA & WEB MANAGER Kane Bassett PODCAST MANAGER Matthew Casey STAFF WRITERS Lofa Totua Sally Ward Shanti Mathias TV TEAM Charlie Myer & Julia Mattocks

FEATURE WRITERS Vic Bell Shanti Mathias Kii Matthew Casey Grace Clarke

COLUMNISTS Frankie Dale Caitlin Hicks Nia Gendall Caitlyn Mahony Miia van Beusekom Rosie van Beusekom Will Eland Brock Stobbs

CONTRIBUTORS Maddi Rowe Brock Stobbs Will Eland Charlie Myer Taylah Shuker Keana Virmani

POETRY EDITOR Janhavi Gosavi

POETRY Waitahi McGee

REVIEW EDITOR Brock Stobbs

CONTACT US editor@salient.org.nz designer@salient.org.nz (centrefold artwork) news@salient.org.nz socialmedia@salient.org.nz poetry@salient.org.nz reviews@salient.org.nz

CENTREFOLD Josh Hart-Vrijkoette @vrijkotte ADVERTISING MANAGER advertising@vuwsa.org.nz

FIND US fb.com/salientmagazine instagram.com/salientgram twitter.com/salientmagazine salient.org.nz

39

40