Issue 06 ✦ Sex

About Us

6

7

14. The Masturbation Time Machine Zeynep Todd

17. A Kōrero About Consent

Confusion Alice Hulland

18. The Honest Ranking: Spicy

Sex Positions Anonymous Sex Haver

22. Strap-ons, Sit-ups and Sexpidition Phoebe Robertson

24.The Tinder Tummy Ache: Exploring My

App-Based Anxiety Delilah Brown

8

29. Dear Aunty Vic

30. Fruit Salad

31. Manawa Ora

32. Ngāi Tauira

33. Teaspoonie

The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editors, VUWSA, or the University. Complaints

Complaints regarding the material published in Salient should first be brought to the Editors in writing (editor@salient.org.nz).

If not satisfied with the response, complaints should be directed to the Media Council (info@mediacouncil.org.nz).

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Sexploration

E ditorial W

e’ve all been there. Giggling with our friends and pushing ourselves into a sex shop for the very first time. You enter through the iridescent bead curtain and are confronted with a whole new world: dildos of all sizes, vibrators of many colours, lube in each and every flavour, and lingerie in a range of lace and frills. There are fleshlights and buttplugs, handcuffs (fluffy, and industrial), and mysterious rope and chains. You are shocked by the number of vessels, toys, and trinkets you don’t even have a name for.

In our adolescence and young adulthood, we are thrusted into the world of sex and sexuality. There’s a shitload to learn. Through experimentation and awkward encounters, we eventually learn what we like and want out of sex. We learn what toys work for us and how to nail that weird position just right. It might start as nervous pre-teen whispers, but it can bloom into something empowering.

Our individual relationship to sex is ever changing and definitely not linear. But that’s okay. The madonna-whore complex has a chokehold over society, making us feel like we have to be all in or all out. It’s okay to shuffle around in the middle or make your own stomping ground all together.

Experimentation is exciting, but can be vulnerable. Stigmas, pressures, and power dynamics in sex can cause distress and real harm. A lack of good (or any) sexeducation is a huge culprit here. Most of our generation learnt about sex online, through porn or advice sites, and through conversations with friends and partners.

Sex ed is improving. Last year, new guidelines were released by the Ministry of Education around the teaching of relationships, gender diversity, consent, and porn. Consent is starting to make its way into sex education. But it’s something that many of us have had to learn ourselves: free, informed, and enthusiastic. For queer people, figuring outwhat sex looks like outside heteronormative bounds without the distortions of how it’s represented in media—is a different journey altogether.

Not everyone chooses to engage in sex, and most of us have explicit boundaries about how and when we choose to have sex. This is part and parcel of learning what your sexual identity is. This issue, an annual feature of Salient’s calendar, aims to break down taboos about sex and help students find new ways to enjoy it. Sex is not easy, but it can be beautiful. We want you to reach a point where you feel empowered by sex— however you choose to engage in it, if at all.

In this issue, Zeynep takes us back in time to the days of stone and jade dildos, looking at how masturbation has always been a part of being human. Phoebe reflects on her own sexploration through university, crossing queer sex, kink, and polyamory. Delilah addresses her Tinder-tummy ache. To save you a failed attempt at a new sex position, we’ve got a listicle ranking the best from worst, and the Salient team pitches in to review our favourite sex toys.

We hope you learn something new in these 40 pages, and that at some point, you find empowerment in sex. Be safe, get tested, get consent, and get sexy.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Kia ora,

I have had a horrific event occur today, highlighting the declining standards of our once prestigious university. I purchased, for the grand price of $2.20, a packet of Eta Spicy Tomato Muncho chips from a vending machine outside Kirk 303. I then went on a journey to find a place to enjoy my scrumptious snack. I open the packet, to find, to my horror, stale chips. STALE CHIPS!!! The chips were unpalatable. And the bag was unopened previously.

So what on earth could have happened? The best-before date was 10 June; still a fair few months away. But that quite frankly should have a minimal effect on the quality of chips. The university seems to have invested in its vending machine funds to create a wider variety of monster energy drinks while disregarding and neglecting the quality of the other, beloved snacks, and frankly, I am appalled.

Yours sincerely,

A lover of overpriced, yet convenient snacks ❤️

To whom it may concern,

I was extremely surprised to see a complaint about the quality of the Salient crossword recently. The simple reason: I am a big fan. I regularly obtain my weekly copy and proceed directly to the games section to see what treats lie in store for me (of course, only after consulting my weekly horoscope, and offering the same service to anyone in the vicinity).

Just quietly, I like that some of the clues are niche and confusing. I find no shame whatsoever in taking my unfinished crossword home to my flatmates to benefit from their unique skill sets and knowledge. It's less expensive as a bonding activity than an escape room.

And finally to the lovely soul who's been making these crosswords for seven years, me and my flatmates appreciate you, even if some bored theatre students do not.

Warm regards,

A happy crossword puzzler

Dear theatre students with nothing better to do,

Great to hear from you! Being a theatre student with nothing better to do was how I started this gig, back in 2010.

I absolutely agree with some of your critiques: the missing stars from the first week's puzzle were a fuck-up on my part, which did make the solving pretty unsatisfying. And yes, 'orange sodas' isn't a very Kiwi phrase, but... what can I say? I needed something with 'ranges' in the middle, that was eleven letters long, and there just weren't many options. (Side note: do we use the phrase 'orange stick' for that manicure tool for cuticles? That was the only other candidate in the running.)

As for the subjective opinions, well, this is where we differ. I'm willing to bet that you got the answer 'taco' much easier with my subjective clue than you would with a factual one, like 'Mexican dish'. And I'm gonna stand by soft tacos being better, because I'm a clumsy bastard and whenever I bite into a hard taco it splits down the middle and dumps everything into my lap. I think history will vindicate me on this one.

Thanks for solving, and congratulations on your taco-based dexterity, Puck

News the

“Trans Rights are Human Rights”: Thousands Gather for Trans Acceptance Rally

Words by Zoë Mills (they/she)

CW: Transphobia

On Sunday, 26 March, thousands of protesters flooded Pōneke’s Civic Square fighting for trans rights in response to transphobic activist Kellie-Jay KeenMinshull, commonly known as Posie Parker, arriving in Aotearoa.

While Keen-Minshull left the country after the Auckland counter-rally the day before, protesters still gathered in support of trans rights and to rally against the themes within her tour.

“Posie might not be here today, but the ideals she [sought] to meet in this country are here [and] they're very real,” said Vera Ashburn, an organiser from Queer Endurance/Defiance. “It's really important that people show up to show her that her ideas aren't welcome here,” she said.

Justin, 47, was one of many parents representing their transgender children at the protest. He said that showing up to trans rights rallies shows “manaaki and aroha for trans people being hurt and threatened by the the actions of people like Posie Parker.”

The rally included chants in both English and te reo Māori, alongside speeches by transgender activists and allies. While speakers of the rally focused on standing against transphobia, emphasis was placed on trans health care reform. Current public healthcare wait times for some gender-affirming surgeries can be up to 40 years.

“As trans people, it's really tempting to stay at home behind our computer screens and build communities online, where we don't encounter the same sort of anxieties that we encounter

out in the world,” Tristan Cordelia, fellow rally organiser, explained. “It's also really important to gather together collectively in public and show the world and the rest of Aotearoa how many of us there are.”

Cordelia encourages cisgender allies to support the transgender community through donating to Gender Minorities Aotearoa. “They do a lot of outreach and healthcare work. They always need funds.”

“The collective power that we have if we come together is immense,” Ashburn added. “It's really our greatest asset and it's the thing that keeps us safe. If you can have these conversations, if you can bring these people [onto our] side, you are winning the battle already.”

Photos by Seren Ashmore

Organisers Vera Ashburn (left) and Tristan Cordelia (right) from Queer Endurance/Defiance at the 26th March Protest

VUWSA’s Constitutional Shake-Up (if anyone gives a shit)

Words by Niamh Vaughan (she/her)

On 22 March, VUWSA’s Initial General Meeting was held in the Hub with a quorum of 100 students, in which two changes to their constitution were brought forward.

The first change is the adoption of a new te reo Māori name gifted by Ngāi Tauira, the resolution for which was passed officially in September last year.

The students’ association’s name will now be ‘VUWSA Te Aka Tauira’. VUWSA has set themselves the deadline of August this year to have the new name fully integrated within the association. They want to have their two main signs changed by that same month.

Jessica Ye, VUWSA President, has told Salient that VUWSA is currently in the process of walking through the tikanga of the new te reo Māori ingoa with the pou tikanga of Ngāi Tauira, Manuhuia Bennett. “We want to make sure we’re putting the name in places that are mana enhancing,” said Ye.

The second change to the constitution will allow potential presidential candidates to pair up and run

for a co-presidency. VUWSA hopes the change will encourage more students to run for the position, as the previous two presidents have been elected unopposed. They also hope this will allow for more “horizontal decision making” and “devolving power”, according to Ye.

“A co-leadership style [should allow for] more diverse leadership,” she said. “Two years of uncontested presidencies...shows [that] the space can be inaccessible.” The change is expected to be enacted by the next VUWSA elections.

Both constitutional changes needed a two-third majority to pass and did so easily, with the te reo Māori name being unopposed, and co-presidency opposed by only one person. Salient does not know the identity of the person who was not in favour of the introduction of the co-presidency option, nor their reason for opposing the change.

Alongside the constitutional changes was a motion to adopt VUWSA’s Te Tiriti o Waitangi statute, which outlines how the association shall uphold Te Tiriti o Waitangi. This also passed with a majority of over two-thirds.

Fresh Candidates in Wellington Central Churning for Upcoming Campaign

Words

by Ethan Manera (he/him)

The race is heating up for the Wellington Central seat in this year’s general election, which is shaping up to be a gripping political contest.

The electorate, widely considered a safe Labour seat, is currently represented by Labour’s Grant Robertson. Robertson has held the seat for 15 years, but announced in January that he won't contest it again in 2023.

His former competitors for Wellington Central include National’s Nicola Willis and the Greens’ James Shaw, both of whom have also bowed out of the race for 2023. This has left the door open for a whole new cohort of candidates fighting to become the next Wellington Central MP.

The Green Party have selected Tamatha Paul as their candidate for the seat, hoping to take advantage of the high Green Party support in Wellington Central. In 2020, 30% of voters in the electorate voted Green.

Paul, former VUWSA President and current Wellington City Councillor, said she's excited for the campaign. “We're going hard and we're feeling pretty good that we've got a really good chance of winning,” she said.

“I’ve been a massive advocate for the city. No one can disagree that we need more affordable housing, that our buses need to be reliable, that Wellington needs more of a cool and relevant vibe… these are universal things that will appeal to everybody,” she said.

Labour have recently announced current list MP Ibrahim Omer as their candidate for the seat. Omer is a former union organiser who started work as a cleaner at VUW after arriving in Wellington as a refugee. Omer said that he's “the best person to take over from Grant and to represent Wellington Central.”

“My story is a Wellington story. Make no mistake that I'm going to be an unapologetic voice for Wellington Central in Parliament.”

The National party are yet to select their candidate for the seat. A spokesperson for the party told Salient that they are “well underway in our Wellington Central selection” and that a candidate will be selected in mid-April.

The ACT Party also has not selected a candidate, telling Salient that a date for all their candidate announcements “hasn’t been decided yet, but will likely be June.”

“Unempathetic”, “Frustrating”: Substandard Care at Student Health Services Causes Strife

Words by Zoë Mills (they/she)

CW: Disordered Eating

Students are reporting increasingly “unempathetic” and “uncompassionate” experiences with reception staff and general practitioners (GPs) at Mauri Ora - Student Health. Students are feeling increasingly disregarded by the lack of communication and longer wait times from the healthcare provider.

Amy, a second-year student, described her Mauri Ora appointments as “bad experiences”. Amy called Mauri Ora in regards to a mental health issue, and says that the receptionist “showed no emotion or compassion towards [her]”. Amy didn’t appreciate the lack of care and acknowledgement, as she felt reaching out is a “really hard thing”.

“It was very much [implied that]… ‘your problem isn't necessarily the top of my priority’, which was a really difficult thing to hear, especially when you're reaching out for mental health [support],” Amy said.

Caitlin, a fifth-year student, echoed a similar experience with Mauri Ora when she booked a mental health appointment concerning her eating disorder (ED). Caitlin experienced an “insane lack of regard or compassion” from the reception staff and GPs.

Caitlin first visited Mauri Ora when she was worried about having an ED relapse. She was told to go outside, weigh herself in the hall, and bring back a piece of paper with her BMI and weight. This is something that can be extremely triggering to ED patients. When Caitlin refused, the GP told Caitlin to “wait until the symptoms got worse”.

“I went back every month. It got worse every month. By the time they took me seriously… it was a point where they couldn't help me anymore,” Caitlin said. The GP then referred Caitlin to a specialist outside of student health services. “It was just really frustrating,” she said.

A university spokesperson told Salient that Mauri Ora - Student Health currently serves 8350 students, with a wait time of 10 working days to see a GP. The current ratio of students to full-time GPs is 927:1.

Caitlin acknowledged that while Mauri Ora was over capacity, it wasn't an excuse for poor treatment. “There's a lack of resources, but it was just a lack of empathy.”

Willow, a first-year student, visited a GP in relation to gender-affirming healthcare. Even though Willow has been on hormone replacement therapy for oestrogen and puberty blockers since she was a teenager, the Mauri Ora GP suggested that Willow switch to a pill instead of an injection. Pills have been proven to be less effective than injections, and are known to cause stomach issues.

Willow stated that trans and gender affirming healthcare is moving toward an “informed consent model”, and that she felt her Mauri Ora GP “wasn't competently trained”. Willow felt the doctors didn't have “faith” in [her]. “I know my body…I've been on these medications for a long time.”

The university spokesperson said “The university supports Mauri Ora and its administrative staff with staff training, professional supervision, and collegial support, and has provided the service with a streamlined recruitment process.”

“Bizarre” Condom Machine Leaves Students Stumped

Words by Francesca Pietkiewicz (she/they) and Ethan Manera (he/him)

An old-fashioned, coin operated condom vending machine found in bathrooms at the first floor of the Student Union Building has left students confused about why it exists and where it came from.

The men's bathroom hosts the mysterious condon vessel, while the nearby women’s bathroom has a similar machine selling 'sanitary towels' and tampons each for $2.

The machines appear to be a relic of the past, now seemingly redundant as both condoms and menstrual products are provided for free by VUWSA and Mauri Ora in the same building.

Although it advertises Lifestyles branded condoms, when a Salient staff member tried to purchase the penile protection, a strange, Saxon Vending branded condom was dispensed.

We tracked down the man behind the contraceptive trade—56-year-old co-owner of Saxon Vending Ltd, Andrew—to get some answers.

Andrew told Salient that he took ownership of the machines 5 years ago and they were previously operated by another business. Andrew didn’t know how long the machines had been there for.

“We probably go through 30 or 40 condoms every three months. It's a well used machine,” Andrew said.

Although Andrew said he has personally “never worn a condom”, he wanted to sell “studded” condoms, imported from Austria, to offer a more “premium product”.

Andrew told us that despite the condom machine being well utilised, the sanitary towels and tampons are not as popular, saying, “it's clearly a male, female thing”.

VUWSA aren't so sure about the machines, however. President Jessica Ye said it’s “unnecessary” and she’s “unsure why it's still there”. Jess urged students to utilise the free condoms and menstrual products that VUWSA provides.

When informed about the bowl of free condoms merely 10 metres from the machine at Mauri Ora, Andrew said, “If it was me I'd be using the free ones, but not everyone's like me.” He is pleased that students use the machine, saying that the condom vending trade is financially thriving. “We've got around 500 machines around the country,” he said.

TOP Proposes $5000 Cash Boost for Students

Words by Elliot Davis (he/him)

As the election draws nearer, The Opportunities Party (TOP) have released a bold new policy targeting young people. The party is proposing the ‘Teal Card’: a way for people under 30 to access a range of benefits, closely modelled after the Super Gold Card for superannuants.

Party Leader Raf Manji describes it as “an investment in our future generation”. TOP’s Strategic Adviser William Hall explained to Salient that the policy focuses on three key issues: healthcare, environment, and finance. Benefits of the proposed card include free GP visits, dental work, glasses, and mental health visits, as well as free public transport and subsidised bikes, ebikes, and scooters.

The policy would also introduce a $5000 savings boost when you turn 18 that can either be put into savings or spent at approved providers, allowing young people to invest in themselves.

In order to qualify for the $5000, young people would be required to attend a five day long Outward Bound-style

National Civics Course. The aim of the course would be to reframe the social contract by teaching financial literacy, conservation, community service, civil defence, and civics.

When asked about equity concerns around accessing this course, Hall assured Salient there would be assistance in place for those who need it, in the form of transportation costs being covered and a payment of the living wage while away from home.

Hall told Salient how young people have been frequently ignored in the “big idea cash transfer policies” of other parties, meaning Gen Z is “the only generation in history that is worse off than the previous one.” The policy’s goal is to assist young people in areas that suck away the most cash such as healthcare, transport, and tertiary education costs.

The policy has a projected cost of $1.5 billion per year, funded through tax adjustments and the Climate Emergency Response Fund.

Re:

Talking STIs for Hot Takes

Words by Phoebe Robertson (she/her)

Last year, Aotearoa reported a 41% rise in cases of syphilis— a sexually transmitted infection (STI) that predominantly affects men aged 20-39. In 2022, monkeypox also entered Aotearoa, and it’s impacts still remain largely undocumented and uncertain.

For this week's hot takes, I spoke to students at Te Herenga Waka–Victoria University of Wellington about their experiences of the STI dialogue. I wanted to figure out if young people had felt stigma around discussing STIs.

Personally, I’ve experienced both sides of the coin. Friends have gotten quiet or embarrassed in conversations when STIs and testing has been mentioned, and hookups have stated that they ‘couldn’t remember the last time they got tested’. I’ve also had in-depth conversations with people comparing doctors experiences, discussing how

easy it is to get bloods tested at Wellington SCL, and talking about how surprisingly easy the STI testing process has been with my GP.

The more times I’ve brought up sexual health with hook-ups, the easier it’s become. Honestly, most of the time they’ve appreciated me being the person to bring it up. After all, one slightly uncomfortable conversation is worth the price of being proactive and informed about your partner's (whether it’s a one night stand or long term relationship) sexual health.

If I could give any advice to students reading this, it’s that STI testing isn’t embarrassing. It’s general health. Mauri Ora is a free service offered to VUW students, and it’s very easy to go in and do a selfswab. Please also remember to do throat or anal swabs if you’re participating in oral or anal sex, because those often get overlooked both by students and doctors.

H OT T AKES

Do you think there is a stigma around STI testing?

Marcail (she/her)

Art History and International Relations

I think there is a little bit of a stigma, but I really don’t think there should be. It's such a normal thing and it's something that everyone should be doing.

Ngara (she/her)

Sociology

Yes, I think that there's quite a big taboo around STI testing and the accessibility to it. I don’t think it's encouraged enough, which makes people afraid to go and do it.

Kyran (he/him)

Law and German Zoë (they/she)

Media Studies, Public Policy, and Political Science

I think there’s not so much a stigma, but I guess [there’s] an embarrassment for students going out of their way to actually see whether or not they have contracted something that they would rather not have.

Yeah I think kind of the student culture is like, ‘Don’t talk about it’, you know. ‘If you’re having casual sex, you don’t need to get tested.’ But, if you are having casual sex, please get tested! Because you don’t know what you’re passing on.

HEADLINE

MYSTERY LUBE FOUND IN SALIENT WORKER’S BEDROOM

CW: Sexual Violence, Anti-Semitism.

A bizarre packet of lube has been discovered in a Salient staffers flat. It is believed to have been delivered with their flatmate's Satisfyer Pro. The “medical lubricant” was produced by German sex toy company JOYDIVISION, established in 2003. This is a bizarre choice of title, likely inspired by the ‘joy divisions’ of Nazi Germany: groups of Jewish women forced into sex slavery in concentration camps. If anyone has a similar packet of lube, or knows anything about JOYDIVISION, please let Salient know.

COULD WE GET A REAL-LIFE DAY AFTER TOMORROW EVENT?

A study published in Nature last week shows that, thanks to future climate change, deep ocean warming in Antarctica could result in a slowing of ocean currents. This is likely to weaken by 40% by 2050. The situation sounds eerily similar to fictional dystopia movie Day After Tomorrow, where a breakdown in North Atlantic Ocean currents causes catastrophic climate effects. Cold Antarctic water drives a deep flow of water across the globe, carrying heat, carbon, oxygen, and nutrients. Changes in this circulation would have a profound effect on global ocean food chains, researchers say. "It is another wakeup call—as if we needed more wake-up calls," said the study’s co-author, Dr Steve Rintoul, via RNZ

BRO, YOU MIGHT HAVE SYPHILIS

At the end of 2022, Aotearoa saw a 41% increase in syphilis. This sexually transmitted infection is on the rise in the rest of the world too. The majority of cases have been in men aged between 20-39. If you’ve been suffering with rashes, swollen glands, or have sores in some wack places, it may be time for a blood test. However, in many people, syphilis produces no symptoms. So if you’ve been messy recently, be safe and get tested anyway. Godspeed and wrap it before you tap it.

TEEN PREGNANCY NO LONGER 'THE THING TO DO'

Leave the underage pregnancy to the Boomers, Gen Z has better things to do. In 2022, only one in every 34 NZ pregnancies were to people under 20— a stark contrast to the one in seven statistic of the 1970s. Teen pregnancy rates have halved in the past ten years alone, with teen abortion rates rapidly decreasing in their wake. According to statistician Michael MacAskill, the decrease is owed to more recent improvement on sexual education and better access to contraception. Add this to the cost of living crisis, and you’ll find a generation putting babies off until they’re nearing 40 and can afford to spend $20 on a block of cheese at New World. As teen pregnancy disappears, there’s a steady rise in birth rates of people assigned female at birth (AFAB) that are in their late 30s.

Daisy Grae on Breaking into Wellington’s Music Scene

Words by Lucy Watson (she/her)

Any Wellington fresher would avoid the Aotearoa music scene at all costs when the names Six60, L.A.B., and Dave Dobbyn (having played at every NZ festival ever) usually flash to mind. However, if you take one look at @theimage04 on Instagram, you’ll find that Pōneke is brimming with a wealth of talented artists making fresh music spanning multiple genres. That doesn’t mean being an independent band or artist in Wellington is easy—especially for full-time students trying to juggle study and music like Daisy Grae.

Daisy Grae are an alternative rock band, most often found playing at Pōneke venue staples, sporting blue face paint, and performing music inspired by Alice In Chains, The Smashing Pumpkins, and Jane’s Addiction. Formed in 2021, the band’s five members are all currently studying degrees ranging from Law to Computer Science. I talked to bassist Eva Duston-Fursman and lead singer Will Burke about their experiences as newcomers in the Wellington music scene.

Daisy Grae are fortunate enough to have gained a loyal following through their stay in halls of residence last year. Despite having a group of regular fans, being booked and busy is a challenge. Wellington is a small city with an ever-increasing population of emerging artists. Eva pointed out that the admin of booking gigs and searching for opportunities is one of the band’s biggest struggles. Most venues are booked out months in advance: Daisy Grae’s performance at Meow in early March was booked last October.

As well as this, Daisy Grae are not immune to the universal student juggle of study, social life, and work. Eva summed up the pressures of being a full-time student and band member.

“Half of us work nights, half of us work during the day, half of us are at Massey, half of us at Vic, half of us are in one flat, half of us are in the other flat. It can be tricky to find time to rehearse.” Eva said.

This struggle plagues all student bands, but it’s clear that Daisy Grae’s passion for performing and making music keeps them working hard to carry on doing what they love. As Will put it, “There’s the five of us and it’s almost like a little gang. It’s what you want, it shouldn’t feel like a job.”

The race to secure gigs can be intimidating for newcomers. Will recounted that when they first performed alongside other bands, they went in with the mindset of “we’re the best so we’re gonna outplay them.” Having been involved in the Wellington music scene for over three years now, Will said, “We’ve come to realise that, actually, you will get further if you take it as a team, because at the end of the day the music scene shouldn’t be a competitive environment.”

The disproportionate ratio of artists to venues in Wellington, while frustrating, is part of what makes the music scene so unique. It has created a sense of comradery among independent artists and a space that emphasises “bands supporting bands”, Will said.

The Pōneke music scene exemplifies that Aotearoa music is so much more than Six60 and Crowded House. For New Zealand music to represent its fresh and diverse sounds, we need to support independent artists like Daisy Grae. To embrace our local, student, and independent artists is to nurture our cultural identity. If you want to support small but passionate bands like Daisy Grae, Will said: “You’re just gonna have to come to a gig.”

Reviews: Sex Toys

Words by the Salient Team

Adding a sex toy to your sex routine—be that with a partner(s) or on your own—levels up your sex life. The Salient Team has reviewed their favourite (or least favourite) toys for your reading pleasure and to help you know what to look for when buying your own. Read at your own risk of TMI. Happy orgasms xx

Suker Vibe (Purple)

RRP $49.95 (was $59.95) Adulttoymegastore (ATMS)

The pro of this vibe is dual stimulation, and it goes hard. The cons? It might be a personal opinion, but the size of this. When I bought it, I wanted something for clit stimulation first and foremost—and a bit of attention for the G-spot never hurts. Maybe I’m not being creative enough, but I haven’t yet worked up the courage to try both functions out at once. This vibe is intimidating, but when you get the clit stimulation to sit just right, the O just rolls in. Jury is still out on the G-spot.

Tracey Cox Supersex Powerful Rechargeable Rabbit Vibrator (Penis Purple)

RRP $109.95 Lovehoney

This was my first experience using a vibrator, and I have to say, do you other vagina owners have calloused clits or am I just hyper sensitive? I wanted to feel loved and appreciated by my vibrator, but instead, I just felt pounded (not in a good way) and tossed aside. An object has objectified me. Based on size alone, it’s definitely not worth the original retail price. It’s like the vibe equivalent of one of those itty bitty travel size shampoo bottles. Disappointed because my boyfriend no longer thinks he has competition.

Lovehoney Advanced Unisex Strap-On Harness

Kit

(3 Piece)

RRP $64.95 Lovehoney

Listen, I’ve used some shit strap-ons in my time and this one is certainly not one of them. It’s solid. The harness sits snugly and firmly against your thighs when you tighten the straps, and the curved dildo it comes with is 10/10. As my recently re-acquainted ex said the other night, “No one uses the strap quite like you.” I credit this specific strap-on for that. Just remember to use water-based lube and condoms for play time, or you’ll degrade the silicone overtime.

Lelo Sona (Pink)

RRP: $199.95 (was $249.95) ATMS

Lelo, I love you! I know what you’re thinking: far out, that’s a hefty price. I agree. I got mine in a Black Friday sale for $100. But believe me, regardless of this, it’s worth it. It seductively sings to your clit (literally), using sonic waves to massage you into a deep relaxation. And it’s gorgeous. How much more chic and beautiful can a vibrator be? Weird thing to comment on, I know, but its shape makes it so perfect to rock back and forth in your palm. With eight stimulation modes and multiple strengths, you can customise each cum lol. Honestly, if you’re a person with a vulva and a clit: stop reading, just go buy one of these. It’s a game changer!

DUREX Play Delight Vibrating Bullet

RRP: $38.99 Life Pharmacy

Ahh, this vibe is a bit of a first true love for me! It’s a wonderful gateway toy for its price. I bought mine back in the 2020 lockdown from Countdown, of all places. My boyfriend and I were looking for a bit of spice to fuel our daily isolation smash sessions. For solo play, it’s also very nice and most definitely waterproof. It’s just a solid, reliable little bullet. That’s all I can say, really. It’s definitely a step up from my first sex toy, DUREX Play Vibrations Ring (also bought with the same partner). It has a solid tingle to it and is just the right shape to fit between, around, and inside all your, as Kath Day-Knight would say, “nooks and in unexplored crannies and even help you find some you never knew you had.” Drop one in your cart next time you get groceries.

Satisfyer Pro2 Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator

RRP: $79.95 Lovehoney

Chances are you’ve heard of the Satisfyer Pro2. Is it really worth the hype? I bought this one as a post-breakup gift to myself. I was hoping for something that had as little resemblance to a penis as possible, and the giant, AirPodlooking Satisfyer Pro2 felt like a safe bet. I thought it might, at the very least, be better than the mediocre head I’d been receiving from my ex-boyfriend for four years prior. It’s overstimulating at first, but it does the job. It feels like someone going down on you, without the complications of having to fake an orgasm for a long-term boyfriend. At the end of the day, the Satisfyer is as overrated as a wannabe soft-boy musician. It’s the Hinge hook-up of sex toys.

T IM E M AC HIN E

We all know that sex sells. But what about self-satisfaction?

Masturbation always has, and always will be, a huge part of being human. Being shrouded by shame has not stopped people finding new ways to masturbate through the ages. From phallic stone carvings of ancient times to modern vibrators, the human imagination has created a world of toys to accompany us on our individual sexual journeys. Of course, our evidence is based on archeological findings, so exact timelines can only be estimated. Let’s go back in time to explore the history of these marvelous creations—and ourselves.

Beginning our masturbation journey, we find ourselves in ancient civilisations of Egypt, Greece, China, and Rome. The Ancient Greeks and Romans were, to put it plainly, horny fuckers. Archeologists have discovered many phallic sculptures made from stone, leather, wood, and other materials. The use of these dildos is frequently represented in many artworks, such as the illustrations portrayed in Sexual Life (an ancient Egyptian text). A “leather phallus” is also referred to in the play Lysistrata by Aristophanes. The intended users of these ancient dildos were mainly men.

Travelling now to Ancient Egypt, the focus of pleasure moves toward women. Egyptian dildos, often made from materials such as jade and bronze, were used predominantly for female sexual pleasure and fertility. Inscriptions of incantations dedicated to the God Min, who was associated with sexual potency and fertility (and apparently had a massive penis), have been found on many of the phallic sculptures discovered.

Similarly, the Ancient Chinese carved erotic poetry and prose onto their sculptures. Their dildos, also made from materials such as jade and bronze, were used for ‘jade stalk penetration’. This was a health practice said to improve a woman’s well-being through stimulation of the G-spot. They knew what was up. These civilisations fell, but masturbation is still alive and well.

We can skip past the Middle Ages (whew), and escape straight to the Renaissance. The Middle Ages, between the fall of Rome and the birth of the Renaissance, were a time of great shame and loss of sexual openness. Widespread Christianity brought with it the punishment of queer people and sexually active women, who were often stoned, drowned, or burned for their ‘acts of heresy’. Sex became hidden. It became an act of reproduction rather than pleasure, which we all know is biologically false as fuck.

During the Renaissance, the manufacturing of dildos became more common. Of course, this was still kept under wraps In Europe, upper-class women often had ivory dildos, some even with lockets containing portraits attached to the base. Variations of sex toys also began to emerge at this time: the ‘penile sheath’ was an artificial orifice/penis covering that was first found to be used during the Renaissance. It was used during intercourse, as well as for masturbation.

A notable Renaissance figure who was known for his use of sex toys was the Italian artist and inventor, Leonardo da Vinci. In addition to his artistic and scientific endeavours, da Vinci is believed to have designed several sex toys, including a machine intended to simulate intercourse. Around this time, Japan also began a long history of producing sex toys from various materials, as well as natural lubricant made of plants such as seaweed.

Words by Zeynep Todd (she/her)

Jumping into the Victorian era, glass dildos began to arrive on the scene. These were often filled with warm water (or piss), for added… dude I don’t even know. I guess it would be nice and warm. More revolutionarily, toward the end of this time, we witness the invention of the vibrator. I love my Satisfyer, but damn does she have a dark history.

During the late 1800s, women who were seen as ‘hysteric’ were treated with ‘pelvic massages’. The aim of this was for women to reach climax and for their symptoms to be relieved. In 1869, George Taylor, an American physician, invented the first steam-powered manipulator. In 1880, the battery-powered alternative was invented by British physician Joseph Granville.

Granville’s invention became widely popular in the medical field. Cheers Joseph, but also what the fuck? In the early 1900s, advertisements for vibrators appeared in women’s magazines and were sold in department stores through mail-order catalogues. Thankfully, vibrators quickly became associated with sexual pleasure rather than medical practices, and have remained popular since.

Sex toys such as butt plugs, cock rings, and Ben Wa balls (kegel balls) have existed for many centuries, but they were first mass-produced in the late 20th century. Since then, the emergence of internet sales has allowed us easy access to sex toys. As well as this, more and more sex toys have become openly queer friendly. Queer people have always had toys such as strap-ons, which also date back to the ancient empires—now, this has become a more open conversation. Pleasure is not limited to penetration, and the development of electricity has given us new and exciting ways to masturbate.

There is so much knowledge accessible to us to help on our journeys in self-love. Get to know yourself! Whether through masturbation, or even just looking at yourself in the mirror— throw on some music, have a little naked dance, learn, and love your body. This dildo-based journey shows us how, at the end of the day, people masturbate. We always have. Your body is, first and foremost, yours to love.

WHAT KIND OF SEX TOY ARE YOU?

An extra bit of fun. Keep track of how many of each letter you get, and let’s see what kind of historical sex toy you are.

What do you read?

a) Fantasy or fiction.

b) Philosophy and non-fiction.

I enjoy the classics.

c) Audiobooks… I have no attention span.

Do you watch porn?

a) Of course not.

b) Sometimes I rent a pornographic DVD or read erotic literature.

c) I read or watch my porn online.

What’s your favourite beverage?

a) Water.

b) Whisky.

c) Something fruity and fun.

Would you rather be a deer or an octopus?

a) A deer!

b) That’s a silly question. Neither.

c) Awww, an octopus!

Are you an avenge or a revenge person?

a) Neither. I’m above that.

b) I’m a justice person.

c) Both. Only when necessary.

Mostly A:

You’re a glass dildo. Warm water, not the alternative (don’t worry).

You’re classy and discreet. You present as a decorative flower vase, but can become something spicy in secret.

You’re the original dildo: stone. You’re a bit cold and calloused from years of thought and experience. You’re not subtle, but not overstated. You do your job and you aren’t ashamed.

Mostly C:

You’re a vibrator. I’m not sure if you’re the original clunky machine or something modern and sleek. You have no time for manual labour or fucking around. You can be a bit crazy, but we love you for it.

Words by Zeynep Todd (she/her)

A Kōrero About Consent Confusion

CW: Sexual Assault

One time, I came home from high school to see a huge, inflated condom covered in Vaseline sitting on the kitchen bench. The culprit of this slimy crime? My mother. The condom blew up. Apparently, this was some kind of proof that you shouldn’t use Vaseline on latex.

Mum teaches high school sex ed. She taught a handful of my friends, and as traumatic as this was, I was so lucky to have the education I did. We had Mates & Dates visit our high school, a program educating teens about relationships, including consent and sexual violence. I was surrounded by good information, but my understanding of consent was still pushed, pulled, and shat all over by social norms.

I remember learning that having sex with someone who's blackout is not consensual and being shocked. When 16-year-old me told this to people, they didn't believe me. I was even told by a friend that it cannot be true (based on the evidence that it happens all the time). It's fucked up. But this was the belief held by my fellow high schoolers, and it prevailed over my education.

What I experienced over the years was a frightening, drastic misunderstanding of what sex and consent looked like. It was traumatic. Not just a ‘my mum helped my friends put condoms on wooden willies’ kind of traumatic. Like, actually traumatic. Which brings me to the point of this whole ramble.

Consent is not confusing. Consent, by its very nature, only exists when it is clear. Silence and passivity are not consent.

Consent cannot be inferred. Consent is free, active, voluntary, informed, reversible, mutual, and enthusiastic. Someone who gives consent must be able to feel like they can say "yes", "no", or "stop" at any time, with no repercussions.

When it comes to sex, this looks like not having sex with someone who is intoxicated. Not having sex with someone who seems unsure. Never trying to blackmail, convince, nor pressure someone into having sex. Never complaining, nor making someone feel guilty for saying "no" or "stop". If there is any doubt at all as to whether there is consent, just don’t have sex. It's not that difficult.

If someone is in a vulnerable position, it can make it a lot harder for them to assert themselves. I know for me, as a woman, there have been times where I've found it disgustingly difficult to ask certain men to stop. To this, I would say that if you recognise you have more power in a given dynamic, take some real care and consideration as to how you conduct yourself. Check in with your partner(s). Don’t be a dick.

Sexy time can be very scary and vulnerable. You can be literally naked and afraid. I know talking about consent with a partner can feel weird and clunky (probably because we don’t see healthy conversations about consent anywhere in the media). But fuck that—it's immeasurably more important to make sure everyone's on the same page. So, check in with whoever you're being intimate with, ask what it actually is they want, ask what they like or don't like, talk about it if you want to try something new, don’t pressure them, listen to them, and just look after each other (and maybe keep Vaseline out of the situation altogether).

Words by Alice Hulland (she/her)

The Honest Ranking:

Words by Anonymous Sex Haver (they/them)

There is nothing better than finding a new position that puts Doggy and Missionary to shame. But some can be more aerobic than erotic. So, I messaged my ex, and began some field research to level up your sex life. To save you an awkward encounter, here’s my final ranking from worst to best.

The Snow Angel is basically Missionary, but your partner straddles you while facing the other way. I don’t know if me and my situationship being the same height affected this position, but there was no way our puzzle pieces were going to fit together.

The Butter Churner is a contortionist’s dream. You lie with your legs raised so your ankles are on either side of your head, while your partner crouches over you in an awkward squat. Unsurprisingly, the fold over is not fun. If you do it on the bed, your partner's legs start shaking. If you do it on the floor, the pressure on your shoulders and neck doubles. I can imagine this one being good to climax in and then pull out. But honestly, just stick to lying on your back and keeping your own feet by your head.

The Snow Angel The Butter Churner Golden Arches

When you sit on top of your partner with both your legs bent, you form the Golden Arches. It is essentially a less fun version of Cowgirl. It’s nice that you can lock your eyes together and see all the action, but unfortunately, your hands are occupied with holding yourself up. Get on up in Cowgirl and lean back with your hands on your partner's thighs for a way better ride.

Upstanding Citizen is the dream: your partner pins you against the wall and goes at it. If you have a scrawny partner like me, the fear of falling on your ass is very, very real. My partner thought it was a great concept to want someone so bad you couldn’t even wait to find a flat surface. In reality, it doesn’t happen so quickly. The preamble to get on that wall and the desperate reaching around results in a very short moment of connectivity before sliding down the wall into a heap.

Doing the Good Ex with your ex is a classic. You face each other, legs forward, with each other's right legs wrapped around your partner's left, and then come together with your legs forming an X. Hands are happily free to do as they please. It’s nice enough, but any position where someone else’s feet are near my face is an immediate no. Plus my leg cramped up halfway through.

Upstanding Citizen Good Ex The Cross Booty!

Start in Missionary, then swing your partner around so they are laying across you. Definitely best to have a double bed for this one. It was surprisingly nice to see everything going down with a handful of ass in both hands.

The Chairman

When I was looking at lists of sex positions, The Chairman looked incredibly tame. You’re just sitting on your partner like a chair? On the edge of the bed? Boring, but phew. Favourite position by far. You get all the benefits of Reverse Cowgirl with no muscle strain since you can push up off the floor. Both partners' hands are free to wander, and you can even get hugged from behind. If you want to take it up a level, move that mirror in your room in front of you so you can see the show.

Strap-ons, Sit-ups and

Sexpidition

Words by Phoebe Robertson (she/her)

Ithink my best sex story isn’t even about sex. It’s about the gym. I was fresh out of a breakup and ready for two things: 1) a shit tonne of alcohol, and 2) to start going to the gym to get that revenge bod.

So, it’s my first day at the gym, my personal trainer is a good friend, and I’m very, very bad at everything. The bar? Can’t lift it. Squats? What are those? And then it’s time for the core. I fucking crush it. My friend looks at me: I'm suddenly fantastic at going to the gym and feeling on top of the world. “Why are you so good at that?” she asks, as I perform sit up after sit up. “I think it’s from the strap-on,” I reply.

To be honest, I had a pretty tame high school experience. When I came to university, I was not only faced with having sex for the first time, but also having queer sex for the first time, which is a much more taboo experience than heterosexual sex.

With queer sex, you not only have the pressure of doing something for the first time, and, most likely being shit at it, but you also lack the societal explanation of what exactly queer sex is. You can get a pretty good idea of how heteronormative sex works through TV shows and the media, but queer sex is this big sexualised question mark.

It’s really hard to do something for the first time when the representation you’ve received is through Blue Is The Warmest Colour or Below Her Mouth-esque lengthy, graphic sex scenes. These appeal more to the male gaze than young queers wondering how exactly to have this thing called sex.

Being a part of the queer community, I’ve never been made to feel shame about a lack of experience, or felt uncomfortable sharing my experiences when I was going through a sexual phase. There’s a beautiful sense of collective kindness and mutual respect. There’s always someone there to say, “I’ve been there too.”

Now, onto my exploration of kink culture! I could tell you tales from my time on fetish social media site Fetlife, or of my series of questionable hookups. Like, seriously, if my friends were to tell me similar stories, I’d be concerned.

But I’d rather talk about the gentleness and patience hook-up partners in the kink scene have given me.

There’s such an intimacy that comes from the absolute trust you place in your partner when participating in kink, and it’s something that I’ve struggled to find outside of queer spheres.

I still fondly reminisce over the aftercare that queer partners offered me. Often, this is more memorable than the sex itself. I think that says a lot about the kink I choose to participate in. There’s a warmth and tenderness that permeates through kinky sex, usually more than the dominant aggression it’s associated with—if it’s being practised correctly.

It’s often hard to discuss kink without talking about polyamory. This is because both fit outside the stereotypical, heteronormative social norms. Not to say that straight people aren’t kinky, but the majority of straight men I’ve slept with thought choking was pretty extreme as far as kinks go. You do you, I’ll be here hanging out with my [redacted] and [redacted] play. It's so much easier for queer people to explore kink and polyamory because queer relationships are inherently political. It is much easier to continue breaking expectations when you’re already on the ‘wrong’ side of the fence.

Polyamory denotes the interchangeable nature of intimacy and connection. You’ll often hear from polyamorous people that not one person can give you everything you’re looking for. No single person can fit all of our sexual, romantic, or platonic needs, so it’s unfair to expect that. After all, we all gain different needs from different friendships. So why do we expect to find all of the above in one partner?

Personally, polyamory has always been about blurred lines. You know, between friendships and intimacy—wanting to experience multiple levels of a relationship with multiple people, and not being restricted or bound to one connection.

It also means, back in 2022, that I could walk into Ivy with my then-partner, get invited to have a threesome, make out with a coworker, and then come home. On top of that, my partner said it was hot to see me with someone else on the dance floor. Monogamy could never.

That is just the nature of sexuality though—it can embody a range of forms. Sex can be intense and passionate, and at times it’s playful. You’re allowing another person to see you at your most vulnerable, connecting in such an intimate way. It requires mutual trust, respect, and care. Why not have fun with it and make jokes in the middle? And also, it’s time to normalise having water breaks!

The best sex I’ve ever had wasn’t necessarily about the sex itself. I loved and trusted the partner so wholeheartedly, and that’s what made it so special.

Ultimately, sex is just an extension of self. It changes, shifts, and grows just like we do.

There’s a warmth and tenderness that permeates through kinky sex , usually more than the dominant aggression it’s associated with— if it’s being practised correctly.

The Tinder

Tummy-Ache

Exploring My App-Based Anxiety

Irecently realised that it had been a while since I’d last had sex. Not a Frank-Oceanalbum-drought sort of while, more like the 2 a.m. UberEats wait after town.

Nothing groundbreaking, but still, a while

This epiphany occurred on the anniversary of a past relationship ending. One year of selflove later, I wanted to feel fingers other than my own again. But as soon as I started my mission to satisfy this need, it became annoyingly apparent to me that I had developed a nauseating nervousness regarding the concept of hooking up with a rando.

So, as conveniently as I could UberEats noodles stoned, I utilised another app: Tinder. I couldn’t get new Frank tunes on demand, but at least I could try get some dick.

First, to avoid feeling fraudulent, I had to unpack some internalised sexism. Championing spontaneous sex online and with friends feels easy. I believe in letting ourselves feel empowered in our sexuality and desire. But societal anxiety is a bitch.

I turned to others in their early 20s to chat about whether feeling sexually free is easier in theory than practice. “I'd love to be empowered and do it. But I only treat [hook-ups] superficially. I don't feel confident enough, empowered enough—whatever it is to take that next step,” said Jessie*.

Charlie* agreed that there is a stigma around sexual freedom for women and AFAB (assigned female at birth) people. “We want to feel empowered. But I kind of also think sometimes you need to really unpack your thoughts and be like: am I doing this because I want to do it, or because I feel like I need to?” they said.

Society has lots to say when it comes to AFAB bodies and sex, and it’s mostly cruel. It’s hard to allow yourself to engage in the basic human right to fuck or get fucked when the world calls you a slut for wanting it, or a prude for not. But ultimately, it’s about personal decision and preference. For me, fighting my fears is empowering.

So, I engaged in the ordeal of trawling through my camera roll to try and find pictures suitable for seduction. I quickly learnt that I had nearly zero photos of myself that screamed, “come sleep with me please.” But after selective cropping and deep dives into the iCloud archives, I found enough with significant boob screen time to start building my profile. I was then pleased to learn that in my absence, Tinder now has a Relationship Goals feature. Options range from “life partner” to my choice: “short term fun.”

Not after a deep connection, I fudged the truth in my ‘interest selection’. This ‘me’ was passionate about martial arts and marathons. Why? I now appeared like I could throw a punch and sprint. Just in case any swindlers thought I’d be an opportunity to get a true crime mukbang feature.

Stomach shaky, I went online seeking advice on how to make a profile that would make it clear I only wanted a hook up, and fell into a chasm of unnerving “male only” Reddit threads. It was disheartening to confirm that many people only associate horniness with cis men. Guess what bros, most of us, regardless of whats in our pants, want to fuck around and find out.

In a desert of dry advice, I craved a femme oasis where the girls, gays, and theys could chillax, enjoy casual cunnilingus and sip a sex on the beach. Profile created, my Tinder persona was a local who would sun herself on these sapphic shores. Someone who fights, runs, and has a bio so blatant. I hit “go public” with closed eyes. Soon, messages, with surprisingly good banter, arrived!

Words by Delilah Brown (she/her)

One conversation went from sexting to sharing The Water Horse trivia. When he didn’t instantly unmatch, I briefly considered switching to ‘long-term’. I had found better conversations looking for sex than when I’d wanted 'the one.'

When talking with others about their experiences, Cal* made the point that when all you want is a quick fuck, you don’t really care what people think on a deeper level. "There’s far less pressure to seem cool."

So, coitus candidate secured, a meeting was arranged. All factors were considered: their face, location, expectations, protection. Honest conversation was key when picking who to trust so intimately. Here’s an abridged version of our chat:

HIM: wanna fuck?

ME: yeah

HIM: chill. when?

ME: asap?

HIM: sure.

Clearly, beating about the bush would come later. This blunt beginning meant it was easier to discuss logistics:

HIM: got protection?

ME: yep.

HIM: *thumbs up emoji*

Having given him the address of a nearby shop (so that I could spy on him to confirm photo accuracy), I waited. The familiar tummy rumblings, brewing since the app download, now spiralled into full blown Tinder terrors. Self-slut-shaming had begun.

Don’t be fooled, I think the word slut is great. In Year 10, I even did a speech advocating for its use. “Slut” first appears in the Oxford English Dictionary after the 14th century classic The Canterbury Tales is written, wherein a lord is called “sluttish”. Contextually, it described a dishevelled man. Perhaps that's why I started to give into societal pressures and panic. Had I shaved? Should I have shaved? Did I need to, or even want to, shave? (I didn’t. I was 100% committed to true authentic-to-self sluttishness.)

My tummy aches had a rival: a friend's Snapchat support. She was subjected to my every worry. “Hey or hi?” “What do I wear if it's coming off anyway?” “Is my board game stash cringe?” Once I identified the Tinder man and collected him from the street, my friend got a thumbs up emoji. After I refused to fuck to cicadas and he put on music, I sent the final Snap: his blurry shoes and an “ah fuck, wish me luck”.

My friend had revealed that the mechanisms of Tinder fucks also unnerve her. How do they differ from a clubbing one night stand, or house party hook-ups? What do you say when you meet IRL? How do you progress from eye to ass contact?

In my room, the nausea still lingered. But I’d lit the match and now, and I had to embrace the fire. (If you’re feeling genuinely unwell or unsafe, there’s zero shame in pulling out. I was just being a pussy, ironically scared of dick.)

"Had I shaved? Should I have shaved? Did I need to, or even want to, shave? "

I’m no Angela Bassett, but I did the thing. Safely (condoms), consensually (yes is best), and studiously (discovered top 40 rap doesn’t get me going).

Stomach soothed and dry spell dampened, I started thinking. Did I feel freer? Was this a good use of my day? Did I have another duvet so I could wash this one? Despite previous tummy rumblings and internalised icks, I discovered I felt good!

I came, I saw, I conquered! Well, two thirds of that.

That’s another fear to tackle—the female orgasm. It’s no fear of mine, but some seem scared to participate in the phenomenon. Despite the fact my Tinder hook-up and I were both vocal about what was working for us, hetero hookup culture often sways toward male satisfaction as ultimate success, and this wasn’t an exception. For an above average experience, maybe don’t seek out an encounter in under 24 hours. Have a bevvy or boogie first.

So, all said and done, that was the Tinder Tummy Ache.

What’s up with that? Most likely, it’s rooted in internal and societal pressures, and a fear of the unknown. When the world says that hook-ups are ‘dirty’ and wanting them is ‘slut’ behaviour, soon it feels true. Breaking the status quo and participating in a taboo activity may be treated like it’s illegal, but for fucks sake, its just a fuck! If the sex-positive oasis of my dreams truly existed, with all its condom adorned palm trees and sexfriendly sun loungers, perhaps openness would prevail.

Life is too short for sex stress. Don’t let the unknown stop you from getting the good times rolling. If you’re feeling wobbly but want some, pop a Panadol, hop on an app, practise honesty, and have fun!

*names have been changed

P ODCASTS

PODCASTS FOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MOOD

Words by Alex Marinkovich-Josey (he/him)

This week, we’re bringing back some classic episodes that break down everything you’ve wanted to know about meeting that special person and getting freaky (plus a few episodes that are sure to bring things down for some aftercare).

20Somethings "Silly Gooses (let’s talk about sex baby)"

Jolenna, Tahlia, and Nosiphi bring Will Murton and then-Producer Fran on to chat about sexuality, self-pleasure, sex toys, and more. No aspect of sexuality is left uncovered as the team talk experiences good and bad.

“It’s so ridiculous that there’s that double standard; where it’s like, if a guy doesn’t cum, it’s not sex, but if a woman doesn’t cum, it’s just normal sex. Like what the fuck happened there? You shouldn't always think of sex as about finishing, it's about the experience and having a good time with someone.” - Fran

Above Standard "Online Dating"

Alice and Ella are joined by Blair and Izzy to chat about online dating. The steps to interacting are not so clear cut. Sexuality and location can have a huge impact on how online dating takes shape—particularly in the gay online dating scene.

“Coming out was the most liberating, yet most scary thing I have ever done. I felt like this bottle inside of me was finally open and I could express myself more freely. What comes with that is no longer passing as heterosexual…not that I ever did! But it was like, this is me and now there’s no going back.” - Blair

Note To Self

"Hook Up Culture, Dating Apps and Sex with Troy"

A two-part series that spans a wide variety of topics surrounding the world of sex. Hosts Sof and Ella bring on Troy Broadley, a sexual health guru with a wealth of knowledge about everything from maintaining healthy boundaries to the path forward for sex education.

“Shout out to the program we had at our school, the Peer Sexuality Support Program, which I was a part of. It wasn’t just sexuality but also sexual health and mental health, and we did a lot of stuff through the Auckland District Council Sexual Health Service.” - Troy Broadley

SheCess

"Cherida: Sex Work in Aotearoa"

Host Zola brings on Cherida, a representative from the New Zealand Prostitutes Collective. Cherida shares her experience of being a sex worker and why no one should be shamed for the industry they work in.

“We talk to sex workers about how to negotiate consent when they're in the room and the client wants to do something that they don’t want to do. Those conversations can really only come from a peer.” - Cherida

Salient Podcasts Weekly

Introducing Salient Podcasts Weekly: a curated playlist that brings the freshest podcasts right to you. Updated every Monday, this Spotify playlist combines new releases with old classics to give you a spread of the latest and greatest from Salient Podcasts.

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Dear Aunty Vic

What really surprises me is that you only found out during the Clubs Expo. Did they seriously hold back from blurting that out for three whole weeks? Was there nothing on their social media? Did they not have any pictures in a Hallensteins suit next to Bill English? Shocking! I didn’t realise Young Nats could keep to themselves?

Personally, I do not think there is anything wrong about being with someone who has an alternate political opinion to you. It’s for you to decide whether it’s a deal breaker or not. It’s about whether you can hold mutual respect, regardless of opinion. Being able to disagree on certain subjects, discuss them, and move on—while still honouring the other person's right to their opinion—is essential for any relationship. After all, love is a compromise.

But how much are you willing to compromise? Does this person have a differing view on how the wealthy should be taxed? When it comes to abortion, are they against having a choice? Although all political issues impact society, some topics have a more ethical foundation. Any relationship will be difficult to navigate if your personal values misalign.

.APersonally, I would advise against dropping this person straight away. Take a deep dive and then have a chat. Figure out what political views they individually hold, and ask why. Why do you feel this way about XYZ? If they are enthusiastic enough to join a political club, their opinions are likely justified. Hopefully their beliefs aren’t just passed down from their parents because that is a red flag. Questioning should enable you to respect their opinion more. Remember, not everyone needs to have the same opinion as you. The world would be a weird place if that were so.

If there are clashes, can you agree to disagree?

Will they directly impact your relationship? At this point, it may be useful to think about your nonnegotiables. Can you date someone who is strongly against incorporating te reo Māori into the classroom? Can you date someone who is strongly against cogovernance? Remember, these are opinions of some Young Nats. Some of these could be non-negotiables, or they could be ideas that you may reflect upon and realise will not impact your relationship. It is up to you.

In conclusion, differences in political views can dampen the way you feel about a person. They don’t need to. It’s a tricky area to navigate, but I do encourage you to do just that. Ask questions and listen, and I hope they respond in the same way. University is a time to have your thoughts challenged, try new things, and enjoy yourself. If this is what your new relationship is providing, you’re in the right place. But if this person has some harmful views, regardless of whether they’re the hottest person alive, please get out while you still can.

Q.

Help! I found out during the Clubs Expo that my new partner is a Young Nat. I really like them but our political views clash.

KINK, SEX, AND MY ASEXUALITY

Words by Snow (they/she)

Disclaimer: BDSM and kink activities come with a lot of risk. Please educate yourself about these properly before engaging in new activities. Rope is discussed in this article, and this especially comes with significant medical safety risks such as permanent nerve damage. Be sure to get proper consent and take it slow. <3

I’m an absolute degenerate and I fucking love it. I’m a kinky motherfucker and it’s become a big part of my identity. My name is Snow, but a few people call me Mistress. Practising BDSM and kink are ways for me to connect with people in a deeply intimate way. Scenes embodying pain and sensation are extremely vulnerable, and this means trust is crucial. It’s essential to care about and be aware of each other’s wants and needs throughout the entire scene. The result is often extremely beautiful. It’s like a dance with its push and pull— the tension between fear and deep trust.

My intro into the kink world was Shibari. Physical restraint, an ever-changing and dynamic intimacy, and the beautifully artistic side of rope are what draw me in. It’s the feeling of the rope running through my hands. The shaping and contortion of the human form. It’s the beautiful process of further restraining and ornamenting the body which always brings me back to rope.

I want to mention that Fifty Shades of Grey is trash. It misrepresents and overgeneralises what kink is like. Clichés on clichés have been derived from the Fifty Shades series, and it overshadows the historic queerness that is inherent to kink. As a friend of mine says, “cis-het men are the BDSM community’s weakest link”. I would tend to agree.

I’m trans and I’m also on the asexual spectrum. To quickly snuff out any misconceptions: yes, some ace people have sex, enjoy sex, and want sex, and some don’t. It’s an extremely diverse spectrum. Asexuality is about the attraction you feel to another person, not the activities you engage in. These examples are usually given in the context of vanilla sexuality—the heavily normative, historically monogamous and heterosexual penis-in-vagina conception of sex.

For me, being ace-spec means that I don’t get a huge amount out of this vanilla sex. I simply don’t find the intense interpersonal connection others seem to have with it.

I enjoy sex most in the context of consensual power exchange (or D/S: Dominance and Submission). Kink isn’t ‘when people do the sex weird’. The more central component is the connection you create with your play partner(s) during a scene. It’s about embodying desire, and connecting with people and various headspaces. In this sense, sex is an additive to my intimacy with others, not a core feature. It’s an activity, just like any of the others I'm into.

So, my kinky friends, go out into the world with pride! Be proud of being whatever you are— whether that be a sadist, a masochist, a rope bunny, a slave, a puppy, or whichever words fit for you. The subversive ways we live our lives keep shit exciting and make the world a more interesting place.

Be gay do crime <3

Mistress Snow

Manawa Ora

A DIFFERENT KIND OF ‘SEXUAL’ HEALTH: ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS

Conversations around sex go beyond navigating consent and exploring sexuality. A plethora of reproductive health issues are often swept under the rug, hidden by the taboos of discussing sex and reproductive-related conditions publicly.

Endometriosis (colloquially referred to as ‘endo’) is a condition where similar cells to those that line the uterus are found in other parts of the abdomen, such as the ovaries, fallopian tubes, bowels, and bladder. This causes inflammation during menstruation and exacerbation of already uncomfortable symptoms to the point of excruciating pain. Pelvic and lower back pain, bowel issues, bloating, abnormal bleeding, and fertility issues barely scratch the surface of the debilitating experience of living with endometriosis.

The frustrating misconception that painful periods are a ‘rite of passage’ allows conditions like endo to often go unrecognised and untreated. Endometriosis affects roughly 1 in 10 people assigned female at birth. Yet it can take around 6 years to be diagnosed, requiring surgery to do so.

Your ability to study and succeed at university is in no way unrelated to your life outside of uni, or health and wellbeing issues that may affect your day-to-day life. Whether you have a diagnosis, are waiting for one, or suspect you may have endometriosis, the university has a couple of key services to help manage where you may be in your endo experience.

While you’ll probably become more familiar with them as flu season rears its ugly head, Mauri Ora—Student Health (down in the Student Union basement) are available to discuss your situation on a case-by-case basis. GPs are able to act as a central point through

which you can be prescribed pain medication, or referred to other services that target pain management, such as gynaecologists, health coaches to aid nutrition and sleep, counselling, physiotherapy, acupuncture, and acupressure.

Te Amaru—Disability Services tailors their support to meet each student’s needs. The unpredictability of living with endometriosis—whether because of the chronic pain, the wait-time required receiving a diagnosis, and the continued lack of awareness regarding long-term treatment—can wreak havoc on uni life and studies. Disability Services advocates for the flexibility you may need within your courses. They help you develop an Education Access Plan that can be shared with course coordinators, advise on managing workloads, liaise with lecturers to help reschedule assignments, and provide access to restrooms. While they act as an important link between university teaching staff and your health and wellbeing advocacy, Disability Services also maintains the same agreements of confidentiality as your GP or counsellor. Your lecturers and course coordinators will never know more than you want them to about your difficulties with endo.

These services being laid out on a piece of paper is very different from actually tackling them head on in your life, so Manawa Ora’s Endometriosis Awareness campaign will be running throughout the year. Swing by Level 2 in the Student Union building to have a chat with us, or keep an eye out for other events, fundraisers, and competitions.

Website: wgtn.ac.nz/wellbeing

Instagram: @manawaorastudentwellbeing

Facebook: Manawa Ora Wgtn Uni

Words by Monqtuya Snary (they/them) and Cileme Venkateswar (she/her)

HE ITI, HE HŌHĀ –ALTHOUGH SMALL, IT'S A NUISANCE

POV: you're at home, you have one thing on your mind, and one thing only. You are DTF. You stop everything you're doing and open the infamous dating (more like hook-up) app we all know and love to hate. Tinder (or Grindr if that's more your cup of tea). You swipe until a profile catches your eye. After mustering the courage to swipe right, BOOM. In big, bold letters: IT'S A MATCH!

Next thing you know, a conversation sparks. Whether it's a dry pickup line, a compliment, or a simple yet effective “hey”, you are invested in what this kōrerorero entails. As small talk is exchanged, hopes of satisfaction grow.

For all my Māori, if this match is tangata whenua, there runs the risk of sharing ancestral ties. But that conversation doesn't rise until the social media exchange—unless your profile suggests otherwise. Speaking of social media, they might give you their Instagram. Score!

Upon accepting your follow request, the urge to scroll through their feed is strong. Post after post, things seem good. Hold up. Something halts you in your tracks. The cliché yet compulsory RNV post catches your eye, and not because you are unsure if their friend group intended to wear the same thing. Who is that they have their arm around? The familiar face is clearly one of their bros… who you hooked up with after a cheeky night out at Sassy's.

Involuntarily, you assume the homie hopping contradiction ‘bros before hoes’. But do you even care about such a ‘bro’mance? Must you consider yourself a ‘hoe’? You find yourself in a dilemma, I quote, ‘to shlay or not to shlay’. Fate is in your hands, my friend. There is no wrong answer here, and most importantly, no judgement. Just the

inevitable conclusion: Welly is a fuckin' small place. As a fresher, I was hopeful of delving into the cream of the crop Te Whānganui-a-Tara offers since relocating from the (even smaller) Hawke’s Bay. However, the 'cream' of the 'crop' was te ure parari o Kahungungu (Kahungungu's baby gravy basically), through a friend's flat-mate's ex's mate... at a drinks… in Kelburn.

Did I mention they were from the Bay?

University is the perfect dating pool with a mix of backgrounds and diversity, especially in Wellington— or so one would believe. It doesn't take long to run out of people to swipe, and we can all agree it doesn't help when you encounter an old flame more than anticipated. Why must they make an appearance at Sassy's every weekend? You don't want to have a wānanga post-coitus on who you know each other through. Then again, perhaps there is clarity in a debrief (for better or worse) because, to be honest, you'll probably never speak again until destiny brings you both to a mutual friend's 21st.

Exploring the dating scene in your late teens and twenties while at university is just short of awkward and experimental. However, independence and selfdetermination can be scary but empowering. In our prime youth, life is too short of denying the what if. Relationships and hook-ups are all trial and error. Such choices don't define you as a person. Remember that you can't change the past, nor should you judge others for theirs. When in doubt, just fuckin' YOLO… and use protection. Especially if you're shooting your shot with a friend's flat-mate's ex's mate.

Are these accounts based on authentic experiences or mere fabrications for a story? That's a secret I'll never tell.

Xoxo R

Words by Rīpeka Raihania (she/her; Ngāi Tāmanuhiri, Rongomaiwahine, Ngā Puhi, Te Aupōuri)

AHAKOA

SPILLING THE TEA ON BEING A SPOONIE

Words by Teddi (he/she/they)

The last thing I’m thinking about when I’m in a pain flare is sex. I’m usually so out of it from painkillers that I don’t really know what’s going on. The only people who can touch me are doctors, and even then, they are on very thin ice. I tend to remove myself and hermit until the worst of the pain is over.

I’ve had someone straight up ask me if I can have sex when they found out I’m disabled. The answer is: sometimes yes and sometimes no.

People with endometriosis often tend to find sex painful, as endometrial tissue can grow in or near the vagina. Endometrial tissue grows most commonly in the pelvic area, but has been found on every major organ in the body. Endo is a wholebody disease. Even though I no longer have a period, it still has a major impact on my life.

Sleeping with someone new always begins with a discussion about boundaries and how I might have to stop with little warning. Nothing is a better mood killer than unwanted pain. Everyone so far has taken the boundary talk really well, but some people can take it personally when it has nothing to do with them. I understand how it can feel personal when suddenly, I can’t be touched in any way, shape, or form. My life would be so much easier if I was in no pain. Except then, I’d be permanently horny.

For a time, I had little interest in sex because I was incredibly depressed from being in pain all the time. While I’ve heard many people say antidepressants kill libido, I absolutely cannot relate. I finally understood what all the fuss was about as soon as I got a little bit of serotonin.

Through trial and error, I found out that I am very allergic to a lot of different types of birth control. I was nearly killed by two different types and am now on one that only recently came to NZ. Birth control helps manage endometriosis, but it doesn’t stop it from growing. I am terrified to go off it in case it has gotten worse and spread to other organs. When someone with endo has a period, all the endometrial tissue bleeds, even if it is outside the uterus. I was only released as a patient from the hospital late last year if I agreed that I will not go off birth control. If I ever do, I would need to be referred to the hospital again and I would require surgery again to remove the tissue that has grown back in places it shouldn’t be.

I still recommend to everyone with a uterus to be on birth control. I was a super rare case, and if you are of the 99% who aren’t allergic, then it’ll be fine. Birth control gave me back weeks of my life that I otherwise would spend bedridden and throwing up from pain. I still get pain flares and have scarring on some organs, but I can almost live a normal life.

A Prayer For A Top Night

Words by Kirstin Crowe (she/her)

May the chats be no cap Give us good vibes only May we scream like freshers with laughter.

Keep the small talk at bay Send the old dudes away Let us simp for the average tall white guy.

Even though they're not nice guys And their touch is a nope, We just like to be liked (that's the actual G.O.A.T.).

So grant us our wish, Make the night like a Chad From Estab way down to Cuba,

And weakness, don't tempt us To put down our bags Lest our iPhone 10s be lost forever.

We are basic and based, future-Wine-Mums and stoners And this is our sigma girl prayer, That Matt Healy's holy ghost-dick come upon us And make this a night to forget,

On God,

In the name of hot sons, In the name of these holy spirits, Amen.

Accidents happen, especially to you, Aries. You're so impatient that you rush everything and end up making stupid mistakes along the way. You're currently reaping the results of a past accident. But don't worry, your recovery will be speedy.

You're getting a sudden windfall of unexpected cash thanks to something you worked on ages ago. This is like filming an anti-bullying video when you were 12 and continuing to get paid because the company keeps using it.

You look gorgeous at the moment. You bit the bullet and made the change you've been scared to make! You have the tattoos you've wanted since you were 15, and those sick Demonia boots you saw on Instagram finally went on sale.

The chaos affecting your home life is finally ending. The landlords actually got around to fixing the busted stove and constantly flushing toilet, or maybe you've finally escaped halls! Life couldn't be getting any better.

Wow. You fucked your test up majorly. I don't even know how to put it nicely. However, I can see it's put a fire under your ass and got you studying harder than ever. Don’t fear, you'll see a massive improvement when you take the next test.

Shhh, Virgo. Calm down. I don't even know what it is you're so worried about. Mercury retrograde isn't for a few weeks, so just chill out. You've done the hard work and now you can finally relax and enjoy your uni break. You've earned it.

Friendly reminder: you don't have to give up your favs to be gorgeous. Junk food is about moderation, not restriction. Drink that bubble tea and eat that Big Mac. I promise you'll survive and you'll still be sexy.

This week is the end of a hard time. Finally, some closure for you! Those difficult feelings are going to dissipate and you'll be your old self again. Crawl out of your hole and give yourself some shallow self care. Nails done and face masked.

I couldn't care less if you think your heart's broken. Stop getting so dejected when your crushes don't like you back. I'd be more sympathetic if you didn't have a new crush every week, Sag. Just breathe and trust that the right person will come.

You're dreading something in the break. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you planned to see your favourite band with your partner, but you broke up and you still have to go. Is your ex refusing to surrender the alt-J ticket you bought them?

Stop being so damn generous with your money. You don’t need to pay for every date you go on. I don't care if you think you're earning big coin at the moment and can afford it. The bill should be a 50/50 split.

What once was lost will now be found. That cheeky fid you lost last week was in your jacket pocket all along. I know, you checked there, but clearly you didn't look hard enough. Now go apologise to the flatmates you accused of sticky fingers.

PUZZLES

WORD OF THE WEEK: ORGASM

NZ Sign Language

tokomauri

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

I know what causes violence in this world and it’s white cis men. “ “

Marama Davidson, Green Party Co-Leader, during questioning by the conspiracy theorist website Counterspin Media following the trans rights rally in Tāmaki Makarau.

Beds are Burning

ACROSS

1. 2008 Kings of Leon hit that earned the band their first Grammy (3,2,4) *

5. Rot; begin an uninformed rant, in slang (2,3)

8. Lightning-fast Bolt (5)

9. Intellectual property protection measure (9)

11. Movie promotion, or someone who might put it on a blog (6)

13. Richard Maclaurin's middle name (check his portrait if you don't know) (8) *

15. Soft Cell hit that begins "Sometimes I feel I've got to [dun dun] run away" (7,4) *

16. Smokes weed in an enclosed space (3,5) *

17. Safe space; psychological recovery centre (6)

20. Kicked off; made a member of a group (9)

21. Foaming at the mouth from enthusiasm or disease (5)

22. Jason of 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' and 'Shrinking' (5)

23. What the answers to the starred clues could be symptoms of... you should get that checked out (9)

DOWN

1. Lip-puckering jelly baby range (4,5,4)

2. Diagnostic tools in black and white (1-4)

3. She's getting in the habit (3)

4. 'He's Just Not That ___ You' (4)

5. Apollo, Poseidon, and the like (5,4)

6. North Island town famed for having a big carrot (7)

7. Target of many Trump rants about bad coverage (4,4,5)

10. Leaves well alone (6)

12. Opening Salient feature (9)

14. Cuba or Norway, in Wellington (6)

15. Giving ten percent (7)

18. Made ready for easy penetration, probably (5)

19. Graven image; superstar (4)

21. Aries' animal (3)

Find our crossword answers on our website or the Salient Linktree.

✦ NGĀ MIHI ✦

THE TEAM

ARTS

Davis (he/him)

Zeynep Todd (he/her)

Lucy Watson (she/her) Snow (they/she)

Cileme Venkateswar (she/her)

Monqtuya Snary (they/them)

Rīpeka

Raihania (she/her)

Delilah Brown (she/her)

Alice Hulland (she/her)

Anonymous Sex Haver Puck (cross/word)

CENTREFOLD ARTIST

Theo (he/him) @teddypaints

Francesca Pietkiewicz (she/they)

CO-EDITOR

Maia Ingoe (she/her)

CO-EDITOR

Bella Maresca (they/them) @cupids.kiss

DESIGNER

Willem Koller (he/they)

VIDEO CONTENT CREATOR Seren Ashmore (he/him)

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

Alex Marinkovich-Josey (he/him)

PODCAST MANAGER

Ethan Manera (he/him)

NEWS EDITOR Zoë Mills (they/she)

NEWS EDITOR Niamh Vaughan (she/her)

CHIEF REPORTER

Bridget Scott (she/her)

SENIOR STAFF WRITER Tessa Keenan (she/her)

SUB-EDITOR

Pippi Jean (she/her)

STAFF WRITER

Phoebe Robertson (she/her)

& CULTURE WRITER

Jessica Arndt (she/her)

WRITING INTERN

Maia Armistead (she/her)

POETRY

STAFF WRITER

Joanna Fan (she/her)

EDITORIAL SUPPORT

Elliot

Kirstin Crowe (she/her)

Teddi (he/she/they)