Survival | Issue 2 by Salient

VOL. 78 ISSUE 02

SURVIVAL

02 MARCH 2015

Contents News: 06-19 NZUSA hungry for students’ money: 07 Government shuts out students: 09

Features: 20-31 Columns and Culture: 33-46 Regular Content: Editorial: 03 Letters: 04-05 Being Well: 08 The Week in Feminism: 12 Māori Matters: 16 LOL News: 19 Film: 34-37 Science: 38-39 Music: 40 We Drank This So You Wouldn’t Have To: 41 Theatre: 42 Visual Arts: 43 Games: 44 Books: 45 The Moan Zone: 46

Editor Sam McChesney Designers Ella Bates-Hermans Lily Paris West Senior News Editor Sophie Boot News Editor Nicola Braid Chief Sub Editor Kimaya McIntosh Feature Writer Charlotte Doyle Distributor Beckie Wilson News Interns Emma Hurley Charlie Prout Francesca Shepard Beckie Wilson Elea Yule

Section Editors Ruth Corkill (Science) Sharon Lam (Visual Arts) Baz Macdonald (Gaming) Jayne Mulligan (Books) Alice Reid (Music) Fairooz Samy (Film) Other Contributors Brontë Ammundsen, Harry Evans, Te Po Hawaikirangi, Stephen Hay, Lydia and Mitch, Brittany Mackie, Philip McSweeney, Gus Mitchell, Bridget Pyć, Alice Reid, Patrick Savill, Tom and Luke, the VUWSA Executive, Alexa Weatherall, Jamie Yeates.

Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Editor: editor@salient.org.nz News Editor: news@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/ salientmagazine Advertising Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz Phone: 04 463 6982 Printed By Guardian Print, Ashburton

About Us

Salient is published by, but is editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council. Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy. The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

Complaints

People with a complaint against the magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. See presscouncil.org.nz/ complain.php for more information.

with the ban—smoke blowing into Vic Books, declining profits and event management issues for the Hunter Lounge—are those affecting students, and those the University has most conspicuously ignored. The recent decision to have all smokers escorted off-campus during O-Week events at an extra security cost, the majority of which fell on VUWSA, was symptomatic of the inflexibility and indifference to student needs that the University has displayed throughout.

Sam McChesney Hi everybody. Welcome back. Thanks for sticking with us into week two, whether you were outraged at Salient’s temerity to sell advertising; suffered a chafed arsehole at the hands of our charmingly rugged paper (Massive is back in print—we’d recommend you try them instead); or, like that staff member from the School of Engineering, wondered “what [our] reasoning was for the use of ‘Boyz only’ and a picture of a cock on the Cotton Building”. But enough pointless throat-clearing. As you read this, a new VUWSA General Manager and Secretary will just have started their jobs. This is actually a really big deal for students at Vic. The last couple of weeks have highlighted just how badly we need these positions, and it all has to do with old people being dicks to young people. No, I’m not talking about newly-minted secondyears yelling “fucking fresher” at everyone they encounter, having waited patiently for the privilege all of last year—I’m talking about the University’s smoking ban and the Greater Wellington Regional Council’s decision to scrap the number 18 bus route. A couple of years ago the University surveyed 2400 people and found the majority would quite like it if, perhaps, people didn’t smoke on campus, if it’s not too much bother, and they immediately rammed through a ham-fisted smoking ban. Since then, management have held up the “clear feedback” they received in the original survey to dismiss any and all (totally legitimate) concerns about how the ban has been implemented, as though it’s the fault of those surveyed if the Uni fucked up the details in a misguided attempt to be “progressive”. The smoking ban isn’t solely a case of old people being dicks to young people—on a purely generational basis you’d expect the smoking ban to affect University staff more than it affects students. (I don’t have any figures on hand to back this up, but that’s never stopped me in the past, and if there’s one thing I love doing it’s making sweeping generalisations about people based on their age—fucking freshers.) But the most visible problems

Part of the problem is that the student body lacks the kind of institutional memory and long-term relationships that can make it a truly effective lobby. Students are one of society’s most transient groups, and this is a problem that also affects VUWSA. Far too much falls on the VUWSA President, and far too much on the fact that this year’s President, Rick Zwaan, has been fronting many of the organisation’s campaigns for over two years now. No wonder he’s always tired. At times, the VUWSA Executive resembles a group of orphans, who’ve had the responsibility of running a household thrust upon them at far too tender an age. Rick recently complained in relation to the smoking arrangements for O-Week events that the Vice-Chancellor was more interested in protecting his relationships with his subordinates than overturning what was clearly an absurd decision. Well, fair enough. Sometimes effective long-term relationships require compromise. If there’s nobody at VUWSA whom the University is all that worried about pissing off—Rick, along with most of his Executive, will be gone at the end of the year—it’s not a huge surprise when internal politics trump logic. The loss of the number 18 bus is another example. The proposal to cut the 18 was first tabled last year; VUWSA objected; the GWRC completely ignored them because, y’know, fuck students; the proposal came back unchanged in the last GWRC transport plan; VUWSA objected again; GWRC didn’t hear them because they’re getting on a bit and their ears aren’t what they used to be; and the Council went ahead and passed the proposal because, y’know, fuck students. Of course the GWRC didn’t listen to VUWSA; why would they? Most of the Council have held their seats for at least eight years— eight years ago, this year’s Exec were all at high school (or worse), and VSM was but a glint in Heather Roy’s (whose?) eye. Eight years hence, another group of earnest BAs will be at VUWSA, and they won’t even remember what the 18 was. There’s nothing easier than ignoring young people when the alternative might piss off someone older and more important; this year’s student president is, at best, a temporary thorn in the establishment’s side. All of which is why we need these new positions—they couldn’t have come soon enough.

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Notices Victoria Abroad– Victoria Student Exchange Programme Content: Why not study overseas as part of your degree?! Study in English, Earn Vic credit, Get Studylink & grants, explore the world! Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2, Easterfield Building, 12.50pm Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon-Wed 1-3pm, Thurs & Fri 10-12pm

Victoria University TaeKwonDo Club (WTF/ Olympic style) Interested in Taekwondo? New to Taekwondo? Learned Taekwondo before? You are all welcomed! Great way to keep fit and have fun! Come along and join us, we are a friendly bunch. Training times: Tuesday 6.30 - 8.00pm Long Room, Kelburn Campus, Victoria University Recreation Centre Saturday 3.30 - 5.00pm Dance Room, Kelburn Campus, Victoria University Recreation Centre What you need: Drink bottle, comfy trousers/shorts, t-shirt (or Taekwondo Uniform if you have got one) Contact us: vuwtkd@hotmail.com We are affiliated to the TaeKwonDo Union of NZ (TUNZ)

STUDY OPTIONS, CAREERS AND JOBS -

Unsure of what to study/do with your degree? Need help with your CV? Scared of interviews? Need a job?

… visit Vic Careers at Hunter Building Room 120, 4635393, careers-service@vuw.ac.nz CareerHub www.victoria.ac.nz/careerhub http:// careerhub.victoria.ac.nz/ ONE STOP SHOP to JOBS: Part time, Full time, Summer Internships, Voluntary Work. Recruitment has started! Check on CareerHub for the latest Graduate Recruitment Schedule and careers events. Not to be missed! - Commerce and Law Careers Expo: 17 March, 11am – 2pm, Rutherford House - Summer Law Clerk Recruitment Material Distribution Days: 5 & 6 March, 10am – 4pm, Common Room, Law School

Corrections The article “On the Road to Student Bus Fares”, published in Issue 1, stated that VUWSA has been campaigning for discounted student bus fares for over over three years. VUWSA has only been actively campaigning on that issue since the start of 2013. Issue 1’s “Eye on Exec” stated that VUWSA’s van lease with the University ran out last year. The lease ran out in 2013.

Letters They’re ASPA-winning squiggles Dear Salient, Why must you use squiggly lines around your headlines? It’s like you feel you need to fill that beautiful blank space. Give the white space some love. Always your partner in crime, Critic Xoxo

www.salient.co.nz

Flaccid or erect?

You’re onto something hair

Dear Shitlient,

Dear Salient,

Congratulations and welcome to the new editor. Do you still run letters? I’m asking because I completely lost interest in the Salient last year. The editors were too busy voting for the Green Party and showing us pictures of their dicks to bother with actually editing anything. I would call last year’s Salient a pandering leftist shitrag but it failed even at that; leaving my arsehole raw and print-stained.

I’ve been wondering about Kim K’s hair lately. It’s short now. Short hair is super in. I think it suits her. I’ve noticed a weird trend though. Every time Kimmie changes up her hair, something massive happens in the world. Like when she went blonde, Putin tried to do something cray. And when she threaded her hairline, Obama was elected for the first time. It’s eerie man! Not sure if her hair is just a harbinger of doom or whether it changes in reaction to stuff. It’s a conspiracy! You heard it here first,

All I ask is that this year’s publication spend a bit less time catering to the smug, quinoa munching, Fair Trade yoga vegans that are so prolific at Kelburn campus and be bit more accommodating to us future office drones down at Pipitea. And if you can’t do that, can you at least start printing Salient on softer paper; perhaps two-ply? Yours Sincerely, An Angry Arsehole P.S. Is your dick bigger than Cam’s? P.P.S. I hear you still need writers. How much do you pay?

Think again Dear Salient Thought I’d share with you how my reading of Salient went last week: “JB SMASHING HI-FI O WEEK PRICES” Hmm, I don’t know who JB is or why he’s determined to take the Hi-Fi industry down a peg but I like his anticapitalist fervor… Oh wait its advertising never mind. Next page, ah yes the first editorial! Last years was great. Drew me in from the get go with the headline “2014 will be the best year of our lives so far.” This one has a heading too “Welcome to the first issue of Salient for 2015” well at least its telling the truth this time. How about the article itself? Actually never mind it’s just more advertising, this time for the magazine, including a flow chart to show where you can fit into their literary sweat shop. It’s odd that the flow chart doesn’t include letter writing. Ah well I’m sure it’ll get brought up in the letters section, otherwise how will people know how to submit them? Wait there isn’t a letters section, fuck.

K.W.

Salient letters policy Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate— be it serious or otherwise—through its letters page. Letters must be received before 4pm on Thursday for publication the following week. Letters must be no longer than 250 words. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number—these will not be printed. Letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar. The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge, or decline any letters without explanation. Email: editor@salient.org.nz Post: Salient, c/- Victoria University of Wellington Hand-delivered: Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge)

Regards Someone who probably won’t be able to get this published.

editor@salient.org.nz

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By the Numbers

Person of the Week:

DRAKE

50 cents The amount the adult minimum wage was raised by last week, taking the official rate to $14.75 per hour.

US$200,000 What you could pay to get a jetpack from the New Zealand-based Martin Aircraft company.

215 runs This week rapper Drake performed at Auckland’s Vector Arena. Sure, boys tell stories ’bout the man, but ole’ Drizzy exceeded expectations. The Young Money protege finished his set by telling the audience “you are the greatest crowd I have ever seen… this might be my favourite show I’ve ever played”. The audience, far from their worst behaviour, lapped up hits from NWTS and Take Care, and who better for you than the boy huh?

Scored by West Indies batsmen Chris Gayle this week against Zimbabwe, making him the first non-Indian player to score a double century in ODI cricket.

£17,000 What a person in South Korea could be fined for using an unregistered selfie-stick.

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Number of new emojis to be released as part of Apple’s iOS 8.3. These will include racially diverse emojis—to acknowledge millions of iPhone users around the world who aren’t, you know, white.

NEWS. KEEN EYE FOR NEW? SEND ANY TIPS, LEADS OR KEE N EYE FOR NEWS? S END ANY T IPS , LEADS OR GOSSIPTO TO NE NEWS@SALIENT.ORG.NZ GOSSIP WS @S LAIENT.ORG.NZ

NZUSA hungry for students’ money Emma Hurley and Sophie Boot

VUWSA has sought legal advice on the possibility of withholding its 2015 New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) membership fees. NZUSA sent VUWSA a bill for $22,500, half a year’s membership fee, in late January. The bill arrived despite VUWSA’s withdrawal announcement in September 2014. The NZUSA Constitution requires a one-year notice period for withdrawals, so VUWSA cannot “officially” withdraw until September 2015. VUWSA is reluctant to spend any further student money on an organisation in which it has no confidence, and sought legal advice following an Executive meeting on 10 February. The executive is “still considering what action it wants to take with this”, according to President Rick Zwaan. Zwaan told Salient that the Executive “don’t think it’s the best use of students’ money to be spending on this organisation. “We believe that money can be better spent serving our students, on issues that matter.” Salient suggested the money—equivalent to about four per cent of VUWSA’s total budget—could be equally well used flushed down the toilet than spent on NZUSA, to which Zwaan replied, “yeah. Wait, what?” NZUSA President Rory McCourt said that the contract the union has with VUWSA,

including the one-year withdrawal period, is “airtight and clear”, and he still expects VUWSA to pay their fees. If VUWSA refuse payment there is a risk that NZUSA could sue to recoup the money, though Zwaan believes it would a bad look for NZUSA to do so. McCourt said the consequences of VUWSA failing to pay “would be a decision for the [NZUSA] Board” and “might include a conversation with VUWSA”. VUWSA has also asked NZUSA to get legal advice on whether it needs to pay fees for the year up to 31 December, or whether it can pay them on a pro-rata basis as VUWSA withdrew from NZUSA before the end of 2014. McCourt said NZUSA is happy to investigate the matter, as they are “not interested in making VUWSA pay more than the Constitution says”.

2015. The organisation has paid the fee. However, OUSA President Paul Hunt said the organisation intends to discuss whether it should pay the second half of 2015. Hunt said that “there is some cynicism surrounding the one-year notice period”, and that it is “designed to allow lobbying” for associations to rejoin. “They [NZUSA] are entitled to this by a clause in the contract; whether it’s a good [clause] is highly debatable.” OUSA discussed NZUSA membership at its first 2015 executive meeting, and claims “no one is in favour of rejoining” the organisation. Hunt has ruled out rejoining unless “significant changes” occur.

Waikato Students’ Union (WSU) has withheld its NZUSA fees since mid-2013, when its President, Aaron Letcher, unilaterally announced the organisation’s withdrawal. NZUSA refused to recognise this withdrawal, and has continued to send invoices, none of which have been paid. McCourt says NZUSA still considers WSU to be a member. Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA), which announced its withdrawal in November 2014 in the wake of VUWSA’s decision, was also billed for the first half of

editor@salient.org.nz

NEWS

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BEING WELL Checklist for Freshers Embarking on student life should be an exciting time, but unfortunately may bring with it specific health issues. If you’ve just arrived at Vic, or have been here for years but have failed to look after your health, read on.

Although it’s not possible to create a definitive list, here are the top things I would recommend you think about during the first few weeks of trimester one:

Enrol with Student Health—if you are happy to enrol

Living in close quarters in Halls can expose you to contagious diseases—viruses that cause coughs, colds and flu can spread rapidly. Rarer but more severe infections, such as meningococcal, are more prevalent where many people live together. Relationships and sex—if you’re starting a relationship, or thinking about having sex, there are a few things to consider. Pregnancy and infection primarily, but also how to ensure it is a happy, fulfilling experience for both of you.

Alcohol, smoking and drugs—it’s your choice, but when/if you decide to partake, make sure you know the possible risks.

Stress and mental well-being—it’s likely that your first year at uni won’t be all plain sailing. Being away from home, study or financial pressures, relationship ups-anddowns can all impact on your happiness. Make sure you build lots of “positive” activities into your life and learn how to gauge your stress levels. If you’re not coping, or feeling sad more than normal, ask for help. The doctors, nurses and counsellors are available each day to help, support and advise if needed.

1 with our service, doctors and nurses appointments are free for most students.

Vaccinations—flu injections are available every year

2 from mid-March, and are free for all students living in Halls. Vaccines to protect against meningococcal are not free, but I would highly recommend you think about getting one.

Gardasil—for women, this injection protects against cervical cancer. If you haven’t already had yours at school, you can start the course of three injections now. It is safe, highly effective and free if you commence the vaccines before your twentieth birthday. For men, it is also recommended but unfortunately not funded.

Sexual health—if you’re sexually active, use condoms. If you don’t, make sure you get regular checks for sexually transmitted diseases. Swabs for infection can be done without a doctor examining you. Make an appointment with a nurse or doctor at student health. Contraception—our staff can advise you on the best

5 contraceptive options for you. Most of these are free, or carry a small prescription charge.

Well-being—the counselling service runs a diverse

6 range of self-help groups to help you manage anxiety,

stress, sleep issues, depression and well-being. For an individual appointment, call and talk to reception. Try to incorporate some form of physical activity into most days—the rec centre has a huge range to choose from.

There are around 100 cases of meningococcal infection each year in NZ. 10 % of people who contract the infection will not survive.

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Being proactive with both your physical and emotional health will help you get through the year – happy, healthy and successful!

NEWS

Government shuts out students Emma Hurley and Nicola Braid

Student representatives may be barred from making decisions about the direction of the University, as there is no longer a legal obligations for students to be on University Council. Parliament passed the Education Amendment Bill (No 2) on 11 February. The bill removes the legal obligation for universities to appoint students and staff members to their councils. The Council is the executive body in charge of the University and oversees the University’s business plan, budget and the overall management of its policies. VUW currently has two student representatives and four staff representatives on its 18-member Council. University Council sizes will shrink from between 12 and 20 members to between eight and 12. Despite the reduction in overall council size, the number of Ministerial appointees will remain at four. The changes will be put in place from 2016 onwards. Universities will now choose whether to include student and staff representatives on the Council. Former Chancellor Ian McKinnon indicated in 2014 that he was in favour of retaining one student representative. There are currently two student representatives on Council—the VUWSA President and one elected representative. The University referred all questions to the new chancellor, Sir Neville Jordan, who is currently overseas and was unavailable for comment.

VUWSA has criticised the changes throughout the passage of the Bill. VUWSA President Rick Zwaan said student and staff representation was “vital to ensuring that [universities] are accountable to the people that fund them—students and taxpayers”. VUWSA is pushing for Victoria to retain the student and staff seats in the future Council structure, and Zwaan is hopeful that his organisation will be involved in a “comprehensive and thorough consultation” with those reviewing the changes later this year. Despite this, VUWSA remains “pleased that the Vice Chancellors from universities around New Zealand are supportive of retaining student representation”. Quality Public Education Coalition spokesman Dr David Cooke claims there are more than just student representation issues that result from the recently passed Education Amendment Bill. According to Cooke, “councils [will] lose essential input and scrutiny from the staff, who carry out the basic work of the university” and the move shows that “this Government is threatening the autonomy and academic freedom in the university.”

and wananga to set aside “one-third of council seats for democratically elected staff and student representatives”, according to TEU National President Sandra Grey. New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) President Rory McCourt remains vocal in defending the place of student representation on the council. McCourt says NZUSA will “be working with partners to show university councils the value of having student and staff involved in strategic decision-making.”

The current University Council at Vic At present, Victoria’s University Council is made up of the Vice-Chancellor, four ministerial appointees, and members elected by academic staff, by general staff and by students. The body also contains members elected by the New Zealand Council of Trade Unions, Business NZ and alumni, and members appointed by the Council itself.

The Tertiary Education Union will also embark on a nationwide campaign that urges universities

Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce said the changes would “modernise governance arrangements for universities” by reducing council size, increasing flexibility, and ensuring members have relevant knowledge, skills or experience.

editor@salient.org.nz

NEWS

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How many students does it take to jam an elevator? Charlie Prout A group of first-year students found themselves in a jam last Sunday, requiring emergency assistance after being trapped in an elevator.

The story was published by the Dominion Post on Monday morning. Salient understands the University were not made aware of the incident until seeing the story.

On 22 February, the opening night of the University’s new Katharine Jermyn Hall, 24 residents piled into one lift causing it to overload and the door to lock.

Victoria University’s Director of Campus Services Jenny Bentley assured Salient that hall lifts are “regularly checked and maintained” and pointed out that “stairs are also available for students to use.”

Fire Services were called to the newly refurbished office block at 10:15pm and were forced to cut power in order to pry open the lift, freeing approximately 15 students who had been trapped inside the elevator for about 20 minutes. Two of the students had to be treated by ambulance services for respiratory distress, having passed out from a lack of oxygen within the small lift space.

VUWSA’s Welfare Vice President Madeleine Ashton-Martyn responded to the incident, “I mean if you’re gonna pass out somewhere during O-Week we definitely prefer it to be inside the house. We’re the cool mom students’ association.” Quickly shifting in serious mode, AshtonMartyn the said that “it is genuinely really concerning that they were trapped in there

though. Student safety is incredibly important to us, from being trapped in lifts to getting home at night from class.” Bentley also expressed the University’s concern for keeping students safe, noting that “a reminder is being given to students in halls about the carrying capacity of the lifts as part of the comprehensive safety and health information we provide to new students.”

Wellington surprises no one with its shit weather Francesca Shepard Victoria University failed to make wet weather provisions for one of their main events on the first day of O-Week. The official welcome for all new students starting Victoria University, scheduled for 12:30pm on Monday 23 February at Kelburn Park, was cancelled with no postponement date due to unfavourable weather conditions. Instead Victoria University dismissed the event and decided to continue with other O-Week festivities such as the sausage sizzle. When asked to comment on the cancellation, Victoria University’s Director of Academic Services Pam Thorburn stated that “Victoria

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does have wet weather plans in place but because there is no venue on campus large enough to accommodate more than 2,000 students, there is no way to move the event indoors.” VUWSA President Rick Zwaan stated that it was “unfortunate” not to be able to welcome new students. Zwaan claimed it was “surprising” that “despite all the money” invested in the Hub development it is “still not fit for purpose in terms of having an inside space large enough for all our new students.” New Students’ Orientation Week runs until 8 March.

NEWS

It wasn’t a sheet time Elea Yule and Emma Hurley

At 7:15pm on Tuesday, sheet-clad students gathered in the Hunter Lounge, anxious, excited, and all too aware they had arrived way too fucking early. HUGE were in the foyer with their notoriously delicious waffles. We hope they managed to talk about God over the thrashing beats. Face painting was an unexpected hit, confirming that we’re all still children at heart. Students skulled Tuatara craft beer by the jug, and joined the ranks of some of the most pretentious students in the country.

The Council is not on Board. Nicola Braid

As always there was a copious amount of vomit. Free water was given away and a safe room was available for tragic cases. The smoker’s area caused little trouble, and not many students bothered to make the hike. Maybe smoking isn’t cool anymore? Too suave for a toga, a lone jazz student wore a suit and top hat. He claimed to wear a suit almost every day. We’ll see how long that lasts. Other honourable mentions include a guy who rocked a neon yellow bucket hat, a guy with a heart shaved into his hairy chest, and the Weir RAs who danced shamelessly in their sneakers. Fists were pumped, lanyards swung, and tongues were tangled on the sweaty dance floor. Love and lust blossomed between sheets and in dark corners. One student planned to spend the rest of the week “just straight sussing out Wellington,” and observed that when attending a toga party, “you’ve just gotta go in with the right attitude.” Another student said they were having an amazing time, but knowingly quipped “ask me again in the morning.” By 11:30pm the students had filtered out, their sheets somewhat askew, but still usable for when they inevitably crashed. Aw, bless. Another year, another toga party.

Last Wednesday the Greater Wellington Regional Council decided to proceed with its proposed changes to the Wellington’s bus circuit, cutting the number 18 bus route. The GWRC’s transport plan will come into effect in 2017, forcing students to take a bus into Courtenay Place or the Railway Station and transfer to a shuttle to Kelburn campus at no extra cost. VUWSA President Rick Zwaan said the decision reflected “how out of touch the Regional Council is with the concerns of students and other citizens.” Zwaan claims that Vic students provide the regional economy with over $200 million a year and chastised the Council for refusing “to accept that they have an obligation to care for them”. A third-year design student, Lily, said of the cancellation that “I need the number 18 in my life! None of us like fucking around through Tinakori.” Victoria Campus Services Director Jenny Bentley said that there are a number of advantages to the new bus network, “including more frequent bus services to the Kelburn campus, free transfers between services, faster travel times from many suburbs and a 20 per cent off peak fare discount.” However, Bentley said the University is concerned about the effect the network will have on students and staff who live in Karori Park or the Newton/Mount Cook area, who, under the new plan, will be required to take two buses to get up to campus.

editor@salient.org.nz

NEWS

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The Week in Feminism

atricia Arquette, winner of the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress ended her acceptance speech with a brief but concise shout out for equal pay for women, declaring that “it’s our time to have wage equality for once and for all”. But this positive, if a little cursory gesture was almost immediately overshadowed by an offensive backstage interview during which Arquette specifically called upon gay women and women of colour to up their game in the fight for women’s rights. Arquette’s actions played directly into the stereotypes of celebrities using superficial fame-inism to appeal to their audiences. She did succeed in making fellow high-paid white actress Meryl Streep burst into a kind of cute supportive applause-dance, but sadly her victories for feminism ended there.

Brittany Mackie

trans Māori woman was assaulted by a security guard while protesting Auckland’s Pride Parade. Emmy was part of the No Pride in Prison group that peacefully protested against the fact that uniformed correctional officers were allowed to partake in the parade despite the routine institutional violence and racism exercised by New Zealand police towards the queer community. She was pushed to the ground and then aggressively forced to the curb where she was then denied medical attention for twenty-five minutes while a police officer interrogated her. The assault resulted in her humerus being fractured. This assault is a prime example of the right to protest being restricted based on gender, race and class.

he IGNITE International Girls’ Hackathon took place in five countries last weekend. The Hackathon gets girl coders to collaborate and develop a website or app that addresses a specific challenge facing young women. This year the theme was safe spaces—spaces free from violence and judgement and with access to supporting peers. This also includes spaces where education and information are available to young women. IGNITE is part of the Global Fund for Women, which explores the roles of science and technology in advancing gender equality. This event is a huge milestone for feminism as it has broken into a field previously monopolised by males. Not only does it encourage girls to undertake technology development as a career but it also shows them how to use it as a way of helping other young women.

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ebecca Stringer, a Senior Lecturer on Gender Studies at Otago University, held a forum on the politics and theories of rape culture in Dunedin on 25 February. Movements like Slutwalk have begun to shift people’s perceptions of victim blaming following sexual assault. Stringer challenges what it means to be victim, both in the time of assault and in the following treatment by peers and the court. Her talk touches on some of the ideas and theories discussed in her paper Vulnerability after Wounding: Feminism, Rape Law and the Differend which is a must-read for anyone interested in the politicisation of the anti-rape campaign.

PUZZLES editor@salient.org.nz

NEWS

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VUWSA President

Meet your Executive

What is your name? Rick Zwaan What is your quest? Like most people who run for VUWSA President, I want to make VUWSA better so we can help make the city and uni a place that truly values students. This means finishing off some of the things I’ve been working on since I first got involved in VUWSA a few years ago, like campaigning for Fairer Fares on transport, warming up our flats and improving life on campus. VUWSA has been around for a while now (it’s our 116th birthday, woo), and at the end of this year I want to be able to leave it in a solid place, with sustainable budgets and a clear plan for the next decade and beyond. What is your favourite colour? Green

Treasurer-Secretary What is your name? Jacinta Gulasekharam What is your quest? I want VUWSA to have more of a positive presence on all campuses. Basically have the services VUWSA provides used and appreciated. From our side this involves getting the information to students about free food during Stress Free Study week, free bread, free bus trips between Pip and Kelburn, the Student Job Search website, microwave use, $2 off jugs at Bristol and so much more out there. Our website, vuwsa. org.nz, has the low down but also our friendly office in Student Union is a great point of call for all students to visit. These are available as part of your Student Services Levy fee so why not use them! What is your favourite colour? Mint green.

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Engagement Vice President Academic Vice-President What is your name? Jonathan Gee (Jono)

What is your name? Toby Cooper

What is your quest? I want to make VUWSA’s education work visible and relevant. That means supporting class reps, faculty delegates and other student reps so we have a cohesive student voice. This also means making sure that you know your rights as a student when it comes to things like getting an exam script reassessed, or requesting an extension due to a crazy workload—as well as reviving the Alternative Student Guide, a guide filled with student views on different courses provided at Vic. I want to make sure that you value your education, and that you get more bang for your buck!

What is your quest? I love being out and about, organising events, running games and competitions, and giving out free stuff. Keep your eyes out for our VUWSA banners in the Hub and around the satellite campuses—I want to give out as many goodies as I can get my hands on! I’m also passionate about empowering students by spreading the word about VUWSA’s awesome support services (such as Kate, your free student advocate, class reps, inter-campus bus passes, and the food bank if you need some om noms). So, that’s what I’m going to spend my year doing! If you want to chat about something you reckon would be rad, come have a chat!

What is your favourite colour? Purple

What is your favourite colour? Yellow

NEWS

Clubs and Activities Officer What is your name? My name is Rory McNamara but around the office there are a few people with the same name around so I get called Cactus a lot.

Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer Welfare Vice President

What is your name? What is your quest? To ensure everyone at Victoria has some fun Madeleine Ashton-Martyn. Oh yeah you’re right, it does sound like the car brand. Haha while they are studying. yeah I do get that a lot. My mum tried to call me Mercedes Ashton-Martyn. Memories. What is your favourite colour? Blue. What is your quest? In general? Be like a Veronica Mars-Leslie Knope hybrid. At VUWSA? Welfare stuff! This year I’ll be working on the Living Wage, Fairer Fares, and Rental WoF campaigns, as well as working to improve a bunch of the welfare services on offer at Vic. What is your favourite colour? Like a turquoise kind of you know whatever.

What is your name? Rory Lenihan-Ikin What is your quest? Make good food more accessible. We can create a thriving food co-op and vege market where students can have access to affordable organic food. Students have been pushed toward a food culture that is good for big business, and bad for our health. We don’t have to be eating things that are nutrient lacking, supportive of industrial agriculture, extremely wasteful and tasteless. The co-op uses collective buyer power to buy great food at wholesale rates, and means we get a chance to think and talk a bit about the stuff we put in our mouths on a daily basis (srsly tho). That old adage really is true; you are what you eat. If you’re keen to join, email vuwfoodcoop@gmail.com. What is your favourite colour? Green m8

Campaigns Officer What is your name? Nathaniel Joel Manning. What is your quest? This year I’d like to see VUWSA successfully improve the life of students in Wellington and New Zealand. Studylink, Student Allowances, public transport routes, cost of public transport, affordability of living, the standard of student housing, shitty landlords, safety of students ... being a student can be shit at times, and it really doesn’t need to be. VUWSA has a lot planned this year, but aside from that, I’d also love to help out Uni representative groups and clubs with their goals, and I’d also love to hear from YOU what you’d like us to do! Email me— Nathaniel.manning@vuw.ac.nz! Or send me a tweet @nil_joel! What is your favourite colour? Just one?! The entire rainbow cos I’m gay as f*ck.

Equity Officer What is your name? Chennoah Louisa Pentecost Walford. But “Chen” is fine too. What is your quest? There are a bazillion equity issues facing students and not all students face the same ones. I want to maintain strong links between VUWSA, equity groups and individual students. From there I can begin the mammoth task of working out specific things that people need, and find solutions. What is your favourite colour? Mint green or turquoise.

Education Officer What is your name? Ellen Humphries What is your quest? To make students more aware of their potential power in the decision making process related to their academic experience. Students are the core of uni life and should grab their independence and use their voice. What is your favourite colour? Blue

editor@salient.org.nz

issue 2 | survival

NEWS

Ka mate kainga tahi ka ora kainga rua Te Po Hawaikirangi and Jamie Yeates

“Ka mate kāinga tahi ka ora kāinga rua”

“When one door closes, another door opens.”

Mehemea kua hunuku koe mai i te Raki, mai i te Tai Tonga, mai i te Tai Rāwhiti, mai i te Tai Hauāuru ki te Ūpoko o te Ika a Maui kaua e ware ake, he kainga tenei whare wananga mōu. Mehemea kua wehe atu koe mai I tōu papa kāinga, ki te whai i te ara aka mātua ki te whare wanaga nei he kainga rua mōu. Ahakoa he rangatahi, he matua rānei he wahi mā ngā tauira Māori hei noho mahana i roto i te manaakitanga, i te aroha, i te whakawhanaungatanga, i te rangimārie.

It is important to remember, our new students of Victoria, that this is a new home for you all. Whether you’ve moved from the very East, the very West, the very North or the very South, this university is where we all come together and bond not just as students, but as Māori as well. Although you have left your homes to come here, you have entered this new house to learn, live and enjoy what we can offer here at this establishment.

Ka tū ake a Te Kawa a Maui ki 50 Kelburn Parade, ā, koinei te wahi ka poipoi ngā mātanga o te whare wananga nei hei eke panuku ki ō moemoeā. Ka tū ake a Te Herenga Waka ki 46 Kelburn Parade, ā , koinei te wahi ka poipoi ngā poutokomanawa i ō mahi katoa i te whare wananga. Ka tū ake a Ngāi Taura ki 42 Kelburn Parade,a, kōinei te wahi ka poipoia ngā tauira Māori e rātou anō. Kāti, ka tū ake a Te Pūtahi Atawhai ki Student Union building, ā, koinei te wahi ka poipoi ngā kaihauutu i ngā mahi akoranga whanui o te whare wananga nei.

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Te Kawa a Māui stands at 50 Kelburn Parade. The lectures are here to nurture and encourage your academic pursuits, to reach the very best peak that you can. Te Herenga Waka, the university marae, is located at 46 Kelburn Parade. The marae offers facilities for all tauira—a computer room, lunches and friendly staff always happy to help. We, Ngāi Tauira, are at 42 Kelburn Parade. Here, we as Māori students support each other and ensure that university life doesn’t crush us all. Lastly, Te Putahi Atawhai who are located in the Student Union building. Te Pūtahi Atawhai offers a safe and encouraging space for learning support services for Māori and Pacific Islander students.

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Reports of a valiant Russian nurse who was murdered while providing aid in the ongoing Russian-Ukrainian conflict have been discredited, after the woman in the released photos was identified as Californian porn star Sasha Gray. Upon discovering her feigned murder, Gray took to Twitter, saying “I love my Russian fans, but this propaganda takes it too far.”

A crack in Hollywood’s aesthetic

A gimmick believe

Parents sour over lollies’ side-effect Seven-year-old Lachlan Canak, from Sydney, fell victim to Warheads Sour Lollies when the Juniors Extreme Sour variety burnt a hole in his tongue. Miniscule writing on the packaging warns that “eating multiple pieces within a short time period may cause a temporary irritation to sensitive tongues and mouths.” Countless outraged parents, including Lachlan’s, have gone ballistic on the Warhead Facebook page, reporting more than just irritation.

ewe

won’t

An indoor café in Seoul, in which sheep roam about freely, has seen a spike in customers since the new year. The “Thanks to Nature Café” has allowed sheep to roam their shop for the past three years, but with 2015 being the Year of the Sheep, they now have increased cultural relevance. The sheep are docile, unrestrained and free to interact with the coffee-drinkers, who are provided with pellets with which to feed them.

Estimation Expert

Heil on Sale A discount store in Auckland has faced public backlash for stocking temporary tattoos of Nazi Swastikas. No. 1 Mart briskly removed the offending product from its place on the stands (next to butterflies and peace signs), claiming that they were not aware of the significance of the symbols and declaring that “it is not our aim to offend anyone.”

A frustrated New South Wales truck driver has uploaded a video of his encounter with the police officer who opted for guesswork rather than radar when booking him for speeding. Since being uploaded to Mr Smith’s Facebook page (less than half an hour after he received the fine), the video has accumulated over 1.2 million views—but that’s just a guestimate.

A life-sized, cocaine-snorting Oscar statue has been removed from its place on Hollywood Boulevard. But its composition is nothing to snort at. According to the artist, known as “Plastic Jesus”, its instalment aimed to say something about drug addiction in society and also acknowledge the death of Parks and Recreation producer Harris Wittels. This is the most recent addition to Plastic Jesus’ drug-related art, succeeding an eightfoot heroin-injecting Oscar statue last year in recognition of Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Competitive cholesterol levels A new world record has been set for the most bacon consumed in a fiveminute period. Competitive eater Matt “Megatoad” Stonie ate 182 slices (6lbs) at the Daytona 500 in Florida, more than tripling the previous champion, Mark “The Human Vacuum” Lyle’s 54 slices.

editor@salient.org.nz

NEWS

Russian reporting Shaded by Gray

Can the Hipster Survive in Wellington? Charlotte Doyle

No “hipster” ever admits that they are one. To do so would conflict with the innate desire to be non-conformist, and disagrees with the informed belief that people shouldn’t be put in metaphorical boxes. Or so those who scorn the subculture say. Let the paisley sock, bucket hat and moustache combo speak for itself. Wellington is, however, explicitly hailed as our country’s “hipster capital”. With a flourishing café scene, exponential increase in craft beer and an edgy style, it is New Zealand’s equivalent of New York’s Brooklyn and London’s East Side. Wellington is world-renowned for being “hip”. In 2011 Lonely Planet declared it to be the fourth Top City to visit as the “coolest little capital in the world”, and last year American Vogue described the city as having “budding coffee, food and cocktail scenes to rival that other hipster capital (Portland, Oregon)”. In a 2012 campaign, Air New Zealand glorified Wellington’s “hipsterness” to draw in unwilling Australians who felt a sheep-dominated country wasn’t quite cool enough to visit. Rhys Darby narrated the video, describing the hipster as “wearer of the ironic tee and wearer of the ironic tattoo”. The spots highlighted in the video including Duke Carvell’s, Mighty Mighty and Good As Gold caused sincere outrage at the time that some of the more unique and special local haunts were exposed for a commercial campaign. Positively Wellington Tourism describes the cafés on its website as a “diverse bunch, from urban hubs to hipster hangouts”. The catch-all phrase is still irresistible with Stuff ’s headline announcing the Laneway 2015 sideshows in Wellington, including Little Dragon, as “Hipster Heaven”. However, there is talk that the “hipster” has become irrelevant. Knocked off its subcultural pedestal by other

subversive fads such as normcore, and no longer an insult what with the rise of the “basics”, the “hipster” is arguably dying out. With the streets dazzled by newly exposed chins and jammed with wider boyfriend jean legs, plaid shirts are out and bland turtlenecks are in. DJs at parties, overrun by red wine in jam jars, are finally conceding that Animal Collective just doesn’t quite create the raving atmosphere everyone secretly desires and only Drake can provide. The term has been sickeningly overused and is losing its ironic seduction, having become a matter of bought taste rather than a subcultural questioning of the status quo. The Vogue article, for example, picked out establishments such as Six Barrel Soda Co., Museum Art Hotel and Loretta, which operate around very distinctive and interesting styles, rather than a fleeting adherence to a current trend. In sum, being classified as a hipster in Wellington no longer quite feels like it has anything to do with the stereotype of only shopping at second-hand stores. I was once, very sincerely, asked “when did you decide to become a hipster?”, as if it were a lifestyle choice on par with becoming gluten free. Simply roll up some op-shop skinny jeans, never dare to stoop so low as to listen to the Top 40 and only ever order Ethiopian single origin coffee. Supposed hipster success. Use words in a situation no other person typically would: “I’ve been feeling very pensive about my essay”, or when really craving a snack say “man am I esurient” in line for the vending machine. Buy records when MP3s are crushing every other musical art form. Then buy cassettes when the price of records double as your dreaded peers catch on. Shun public transport and use a bike. Never wear socks with your brogues unless they are a statement item. Obviously grow a beard. Know exactly what temperature makes the perfect cup of filter coffee. Deem all

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issue 2 | survival

of those who sit outside the mainstream pretentious, yet master your own home brew and take your dates to the courtyard at Golding’s. Easy? Highly criticised as a movement for appropriating anything cultured for the sake of personal identity without the requisite informed understanding, it has become mainstream and the “sub” culture has transformed into an easily bought and appropriated commercial aesthetic. With a notable increase of standard Nikes matched with Happy Socks, our city is hardly immune to its hipster edge slowly fading away. Yet analysing the hipsterness of our “cultural capital” in particular poses a chicken and egg conundrum. Wellington’s proud identity has long revolved around niche coffee brewing methods and specialised bars down alleyways with bartenders sporting beards (although the consistently shit weather does necessitate this facial protection) well before the word started appearing on billboards or on Urban Dictionary. The question is whether “hipster” has become a convenient marketing and disdainful label for a thriving culture that has been rooted in the very essence of the city’s identity for a long time already. Coffee In line with the presumption that all hipsters are ethically well-informed, the Green Party’s 2014 election campaign was described as aiming to elect the country’s first “hipster prime minister”, because Russell Norman knows Milk Crate is where you get a good flat white. Wellington is not short of cafés, many with a pared-back Scandinavian aesthetic and food still served on chopping boards by waiters in aprons. However, it is a city in which demographics far from the stereotypical “hipster” enjoy sharing their lives over a coffee created with locally roasted beans. Whether you go to Prefab for the metallic chairs and minimalist atmosphere, or Caffe L’affare for a classic experience, or Hangar for Flight Coffee, or Fidel’s for Havana, or Coffee Supreme at Customs, or to drink Peoples Coffee at Vic Books on the Kelburn campus, or boutique coffee at Aro Café, or even at the chain Mojo, each business promotes in its own way a feel for a facet of the local community.

whether you can get your bum onto a seat and if the cake on offer suits your dietary needs. Compared to other biggish cities there seems to be only one, lonely Starbucks. By shunning automatic espresso machines and having access to some of the best cows on the planet, Wellington’s simple consideration to the quality of the coffee it produces has been caught up in the hipster hype. At Lamason Brew Bar, a cafe that specialises in filter and siphon coffee, the wonderful barista Dan comments that “when Wellington coffee and its culture is described as ‘hipster’, I think the describers may be focusing on a particular experience of café and barista and applying it across the board. Whatever the original meaning of ‘hipster’, how I hear it used now is synonymous with ‘poser’, always derogatively.” But refusing to buy Budget instant coffee doesn’t equate to being pretentious any more than refusing to use public transport when you own a car. Or buying any wine other than Fat Bird. Having fostered an interest in coffee for over ten years, Dan denies any possibility of lighter brewing methods including siphon and filter coffee disappearing. They make the whole coffee experience undeniably very interesting plus avoid “smashing people in the mouth with unbalanced lemon levels of tartness,” which sometimes a poorly crafted espresso can certainly do. Coffee in Wellington, like craft beer, has been long considered a science to be mastered on par with wine and has created an intensely competitive market with a longlasting appeal. It has also attracted global recognition, with CNN naming it one of the eight top coffee cities in the world last year. Frequenting cafes has been a notable part of Wellington for decades, with the first modern café opening in the 1950s. It has also always been popular. Entire history books can and have been written about Wellington and its obsession with coffee (a city-wide caffeine addiction perhaps explains the continuous buzz and atmosphere). Published in 1994, a book called Character Cafes of New Zealand (found in Milk Crate) muses over the new burst of popularity in cafes and coffee at the time. “Coffee is the beer of the 1990s, a symbol not only of changed tastes in what New Zealanders are drinking, but more importantly the surroundings in which they choose to enjoy it.” Craft beer

There is never really a question of calibre when it comes to picking a coffee spot. Instead your choice depends on

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Wellington hosts thriving breweries that create substances

which easily rival the sophistication of a cabernet-merlot. Deemed the Craft Beer Capital of New Zealand, breweries including Garage Project, ParrotDog, Tuatara and Panhead each have a distinct flavour and can be found on tap at over sixteen craft beer devoted bars including Hashigo Zake, Golding’s Free Dive and Little Beer Quarter. Malthouse has been running for over 20 years and offers 29 different beers on tap. This beer devotion, like coffee, has attracted global attention. VICE has unsurprisingly picked up on the quirky appeal of Garage Project, with a feature published on the brewery’s unique brewing methods, including the use of volcanic rock and a protected type of seaweed. At a micro level, the beer community feels intimate and supportive of a local passion. A decent appreciation of craft beer can tend to instantly categorise you as a hipster (especially if female because an interest in beer still occasionally attracts amused surprise). Request multiple tastings of what’s on tap at Little Beer Quarter, mull over the fact that you want something less “hoppy” than a pilsner and a mark of hipsterism is successfully gained with a graduation from drinking Jim Beams. The appeal of craft beer has not escaped the attention of bigger brands. With the presence of brews such as Boundary Road and Good George, there are various options which provide a crafty alternative to paying an hour’s worth of wages for one bottle, yet still maintains a superiority to drinking DB. They’re also easily bought from any New World, which host some of the most impressive craft beer collections (Thorndon boasts over 600 different types).

“hipster” is lovingly hated for being pretentiously fake, yet the term itself no longer adheres to its original meaning. The authentic non-conformists (reluctantly in keeping with the stereotype) are always slyly moving onto something new, like drinking single malt whisky instead of craft beer. However, it is exactly this artificial nature that makes the current application of the “hipster” to Wellington a bit of a fallacy. Yes, there are some who frequent places like Garage Project for a flagon of beer and poetry slams at Meow for the sake of image manipulation. But generally the people creating and appreciating the coffee and craft beer fuel it with passion for an art form, rather than any desire for a short-lived fashion. The city has historically always been noted for its cultured population, with an ever flourishing culinary scene and coffee drinking a lifestyle choice since the 1960s. Its geography fosters a naturally concentrated vibrancy in the centre city, making it easy to experience and embrace the cultural elements that would be later associated with the hyper-ironic phenomenon of the hipster. In its “hip” video, Air New Zealand included promotions of the Wellington waterfront and the Wellington film scene (aka Peter Jackson’s Roxy Cinema), which logic suggests will last beyond any hipster fad. “Wellington is small and resourceful, that’s what makes it so creative,” Darby harps. Which is exactly the point. The global reluctant fascination with the “hipster” simply exacerbated very human elements of Wellington that were already there, and will survive indefinitely beyond the current sneer towards all things cultural.

Yet upon attending Beervana (Wellington’s annual beer festival), which was dripping with enthusiasts for carefully crafted beer, there was a distinct lack of the stereotyped “hipsters”. Being by far one of the youngest in the crowds and definitely fitting in with no facial hair, the event demonstrated that craft beer in Wellington maintains an appeal far beyond what the media and beer marketing might have us believe. Although a truffle-infused 11 per cent porter might not last, the reality might actually be that New Zealanders are relishing the freedom to order a pale ale on a classy date, having always preferred beer in the first place. Complaints about hipsters are now heard more often than any sightings of the archetypal hipsters themselves. The

editor@salient.org.nz

SURVIVING BECKY

ALICE REID

After a stint with her grandma, Alice decided she needed to live with people her own age. Too bad one of them was a complete psycho. From classic passive-aggressive messages, to outright sabotage and threats of bodily harm, Salient brings you the story of the ultimate worst flatmate. Toward the end of my final year of University, I found myself moving in with my grandmother—something I never thought would happen. But alas, life as a twentysomething can be difficult. I would be lying if I said it was nearly half as carefree and picturesque as my Instagram feed would have you believe. I returned home one day to find that my roommates had all decided to bail on our leaky old house. Never mind the legally-binding rental agreement, we were all moving out (and of course, as things of a legally-binding nature often do, this later landed us in court). After being left in such a vulnerable situation by my socalled friends, I swore off roommates for good and moved in with my elderly grandmother. After all, what could make a better environment for studying than living with a 72-year-old? It seemed like the perfect plan; I would save money, get excellent final grades and move to Australia at the end of my degree. But it was not to be. I met a nice guy, and after receiving one too many judgemental looks from my grandmother, began to consider the possibility of moving in with people my own age. Soon after this revelation, I saw a post on Facebook from a girl I went to high school with. Becky* was looking for a roommate. Becky had maybe been in my class once or twice at high school; she seemed nice enough and truth be told, I hadn’t really given her a second thought since then. She lived in a five-bedroom house with people I had never met, and it seemed like it would be a good life experience for me, shy as I was.

I moved in on a Saturday. My friends laughed at the rude notes adhered to the fridge via post-it note and I brushed them off as nothing, against all of my better instincts. It started off great, but things soon began to change. To say that Becky was difficult to live with is an understatement. She was a modern tyrant, reigning with terror in our house and over all of our lives. We were lucky in that we also lived with Becky’s older sister, who managed to keep her in check most of the time—or so I was told. Becky would send essay-length group text messages about how filthy we all were and about how she didn’t pay rent to live in such a pigsty. (This later turned out to be very amusing, when I found out how little “rent” she paid.) She would be fiery and aggressive via text message, but would never acknowledge there was any issue in person. It wasn’t long before I found out about her infamous Twitter account, where she blasted everyone she had ever been the slightest bit annoyed with. I was told it was the key source of information when she was in a bad mood (which was always) but that you also didn’t want her to ever find out that you had read her tweets. She seemed to think that the reading of her tweets was a terrible invasion of privacy, though she continued to post them on her public account on a public platform. My other roommates would routinely read her tweets and find themselves crucified for being all kinds of things, though words like “filthy” and “lazy” perhaps occurred the most often. I behaved as best as I could, and hoped to never

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issue 2 | survival

although I had done nothing to warrant the stand-off that I was so afraid of. Eventually, things escalated to the point of no return. One Sunday evening, I was trying to desperately cram for my exam the next day—the final exam of my entire degree and one that I had to retake due to an injury a few weeks earlier.

find myself publicly drawn and quartered via one of Becky’s vicious tweets. I did well to begin with, but it couldn’t last. One of my roommates made the mistake of giving Becky a Christmas card at the end of the year. Not because she necessarily wanted to, but because it would be rude not to. Becky didn’t touch it. She didn’t even have the decency to throw it in the trash. She left it outside her door for weeks so that my roommate would see her trampled gesture every time she came and went from her own room. Small things like this continued to remind us all of Becky’s wrath. I would spend hours in my room attempting to study, whilst trying to ignore the sounds of her storming through the hallway. I began to check her Snapchat stories each day because it allowed me to assess whether or not she was at home and therefore whether or not it was safe to leave my bedroom. I lived in fear of confrontation,

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It was a hot summer night, so the windows were open throughout the house and the sounds of Becky screaming radiated throughout every room (and probably throughout the entire neighbourhood). Another of my roommates had asked Becky to turn her music down, and after a solid few days of having Jason Derulo playing at max volume, it wasn’t an unreasonable request. Though, as usual, it was met by threats by Becky, the standard “leave me alone before I do something I don’t want to do” followed by door slamming and so on—difficult to ignore, but I tried nonetheless. It became impossible to study when my internet connection dropped out completely. This happened often, but this was the worst timing yet—I would have to leave my room to reset the modem and risk running into Becky, who had just threatened another roommate with bodily harm (so loudly that I could hear from two bedrooms away). For the first time ever, however, our failed internet connection was through no fault of our service provider or sketchy modem. I soon discovered that Becky had taken one of the cords and skulked off to her room with it, hiding it there with her in her dragon’s den.

“IT’S CALLED A RESET BUTTON YOU DUMB C*NT!” This was it. I could either wait it out and risk failing my exam the next day (and therefore my whole degree) or I could ask her nicely to return the cord so that I could continue to use a service that I was paying for and had every right to use freely. Of course, I chose the latter, and of course, Becky didn’t like that. I knocked on her door and after being ignored for a minute or two, I opened it anyway. “Do you know what’s happened to the internet?” I asked her as nicely as humanly possible and she laughed in my face. She told me hers was working fine, and made out like I was the dumbest person in existence for not being able to navigate an internet connection. I should have just told her that I had noticed a cord was missing, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to accuse her of anything and pay the subsequent price in verbal abuse (or bodily harm, which was apparently now on the cards). After a heated exchange of words, I returned to my room having achieved absolutely nothing except for my first actual confrontation with Becky—which had me shaken, to

say the least. Soon enough, Becky was storming through the house with even more aggression than earlier that day, which is saying something. She yelled at me from the hallway as she passed: “IT’S CALLED A RESET BUTTON YOU DUMB C*NT!” For a split second, I thought it might have actually been just the reset button. Although it wasn’t connected properly earlier and I knew full well that a cord was missing, there’s just something about being called a “dumb c*nt” that makes you doubt yourself. I had to check again just in case. Sure enough, an extra cord had now appeared and the internet was working once again. I was now free to study in peace, though I was now far too shaky to concentrate. Becky blocked me on every feasible form of social media that evening and I moved out with two of the other roommates that same week. Becky and her sister stayed in that house, and I dare say if they weren’t related, her sister would have left her there too. That was the last I heard of Becky, though she continued to harass my other roommates via txt message. One of my personal favourites was “you’re so two faced, and neither one of them is pretty.” I never bothered to tell Becky that I knew she’d stolen the cord, though I did have some rather nasty things written about me on Twitter.

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WHEN THE FOOD RUNS OUT

Thanks to global warming and overpopulation, humans stand on the brink of a massive food crisis. To address the crisis, we might need to get creative. Salient’s science team brings you the causes of the food crisis, some practical steps we can take to avert it,

and the long-term sci-fi solutions.

Brontë Ammundsen, Gus Mitchell and Patrick Savill

Too Many Mouths (On the Dance Floor) Brontë Ammundsen The idea of the world running out of one of our most vital necessities seems absurd at first, but it only takes a quick look at how inefficient our food industries already are to see how real this potential threat is. The most obvious reason Earth might run out of food is, at its simplest, the idea that food sources are ultimately finite—it takes longer to make food than it does to consume (or waste) it. It was this simple notion that lead to the concept of the “Malthusian Catastrophe”, Thomas Malthus’ 1798 prediction that eventually our exponential population growth would outpace agricultural production. While his original predictions were inaccurate regarding timing, the theory still remains relevant. After World War Two agricultural productivity soared, and Malthus began to seem irrelevant. However, rather than being out of the woods, productivity in fact fuelled the problem. As world food supplies increased, food prices dropped and food became more available than ever, allowing longer lifespans through better nutrition and generating faster population growth—thus creating a cycle that won’t be sustainable forever. The rapid expanse of the Roman Empire coupled with its inefficient agricultural practices was one of the reasons for its failure. By expanding so fast, there were more and more mouths to feed. This inadvertently hastened the self-inflicted damage on their food production, meaning that more people

to feed meant faster elimination of their food, until the Empire could no longer feed its people. However, population growth surpassing food supply is not the only threat, nor even the biggest. One of the most imminent issues we face is the effect of global warming on our food supply. Agricultural food supplies require a very complex and sensitive balance to achieve optimum yields. Soil nutrient levels, moisture, water availability, droughts, and floods are all affected by the climate. As the global temperature increases, our potential crop yields lower. Similarly, our fish sources are depleting due to ocean habitat changes. Less food for humans goes hand in hand with less food for farm livestock, creating a vicious cycle. The longer climate change goes unmitigated, the more extreme these effects may become. Global warming affects the transportation of food as well as its production. Very few regions are able to feed themselves selfsustainably, and those that can are still met with many handicaps when distributing food. Transportation of food requires a lot of fuel, which itself also only has a finite supply. Furthermore, burning these fuels creates carbon emissions, exacerbating global warming.

biofuels such as corn ethanol. However, though not a fossil fuel, corn ethanol poses new issues by raising the price of corn and therefore corn-based foods. Transport issues are also part of a very tangled web involving inefficient food production processes and counterintuitive policies, as certain policies can dictate where a nation’s food is grown and where it is transported. One example of this is Russia, which last year banned food imports from the EU. The rationale was that Russia simply has a lot of food supplies, and should avoid sourcing it from elsewhere. Unfortunately, Russia is a very large landmass, and has a relatively flimsy infrastructure. In many cases, transporting food between Russian cities is in fact vastly less efficient (slower, more expensive, more fuel consuming) than importing. Another example is UK lamb production and consumption—the carbon footprint of lamb produced and consumed in the UK is greater than that of lamb imported from New Zealand. There are many reasons why food sources are at risk of depletion, many contributing factors that hinder food production and distribution. Unless we begin to mitigate more of these factors, a global food crisis could be imminent.

The finite nature of fossil fuels has lent greater attention to alternative fuels, including

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issue 2 | survival

You Are What You Eat (So Let’s Be Small Fish and Crickets)

If we’re going to solve the global food crisis, we need to get ready to either tighten our belts or expand our palates. Here are just some of the far-reaching but practical proposals being made that ensure we live to gorge another day.

A proposed alternative is “balanced harvesting”, where we simply harvest a smaller amount of fish from a larger sampling of sizes, meaning all sizes of fish have the time to replenish. Unfortunately, fishing is heavily regulated, so changing the legislation would prove difficult. They say that there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but if we can’t change both our laws and our habits, we may be in too deep.

Gone overfishin’

Eating meat just isn’t cricket

The current legal fishing practice is sizeselective fishing, by which we catch the most largest and presumably fully-grown fish from each school to allow the smaller, younger fish to mature and reproduce so they and their young can be caught at a later date. To the fish this seems like some kind of inevitable Kafkaesque horror, but we humans only think that this is sensible. But what we inadvertently end up doing is breeding smaller fish, due to genetics.

Currently, 38 per cent of all land on Earth is used for agriculture, using up an immense amount of land and clean water in the process. One proposal that is gaining traction to save on farmland is to switch to eating insects.

Gus Mitchell

It goes like this: alleles are versions of a gene that determine the traits expressed in an organism. In fish, there are alleles that determine at what size fish mature, with larger fish maturing slower but producing more offspring, and vice versa for small fish. By catching only the largest fish out of the environment, we severely decrease the reproduction rate of fish populations and create a selection pressure that means only small fish survive to reproduce.

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In parts of Africa and Asia, insects such as locusts and crickets are a delicacy, but the West has always associated them with blights and dying crops, so naturally we’ve never been too keen on having them in our lunch. But we probably should, because it turns out insects are actually super good for you. Crickets, for instance, are packed with calcium and iron, and 80 per cent of them is digestible, compared to 40 per cent of beef. Mealworms, the kind they feed lizards and frogs in pet stores, are perfectly fit for human consumption and contain plenty of fibre. For the bakers among you, you can order mealworm flour online that you can use to make cookies and cakes, so it’s not as if you need to eat them as they are.

Born freegan Freeganism is a movement whose followers go out of their way not to pay for their food so that their hard-earned cash doesn’t line the coffers of those eeeeevil corporations. Instead, they eat the leftover food thrown out by restaurants, essentially choosing to live like hobos. Alternately, they use nonmonetary means by which to buy their food instead, such as bartering, thus becoming the very freeloaders that the rich accuse them of being. Freeganism has been around since 1999, but has recently since been in an upswing thanks to other anti-corporate movements such as Occupy. Of course, corporations being corporations, a hit new movement means another demographic from which to profit. In January of this year, certain McDonald’s restaurants in America started a policy by which patrons could pay for their food with selfies and hugs. Was everyone lovin’ it? Not exactly. The backlash served only to aggravate the debate over the minimum wages the restaurant chain had been paying for years. But it also serves to point out the less compassionate parts of the freegan philosophy: that by refusing to give money to corporations, you’re taking money from the people that give up their time to work for them. While it has its flaws, the freegan philosophy isn’t all dumpster diving and eating out of trash cans. Many charities and humanitarian organisations take the unsold food from cafes and bars and open up stores to give them to the community for free. For a local example, the not-for-profit Free Store in Wellington is open Monday to Friday from 6pm at 211 Willis Street.

Start the Reactor Patrick Savill To keep our species alive, we need to find another home. Earth has neither the resources nor the security to sustain us indefinitely. In five to six billion years’ time, our sun will become a red giant and we’ll be reduced to a molten ball of rock. Failing that, we will irreparably destroy our ecosystem or, as many people believe, an asteroid will wipe us out, just like it did in 2012. And so, looking to the stars, we must find another abode to raise our future children. The unique properties needed for life are liquid water, a breathable atmosphere and a warm surface temperature. This occurs in the “Goldilocks Zone”, the belt of a solar system in which a planet has these qualities. Too far from the local star and the planet will freeze; too close and it will burn up. In 2013 the Kepler Space Telescope found 40 billion planets occupying habitable zones—we’re rather spoiled for choice. However, emigrating the world’s population to various planets is currently neither practical nor possible. But what about closer to home? Can we form another Earth in our own solar system? Our technology is nowhere near advanced enough and the funding for it is pitiful. Venus and Mars are both promising future candidates, but neither planet meets all the criteria needed to sustain life.

Mars has a thin atmosphere comprising mainly of CO2 with a surface pressure of 600 pascals (0.6 per cent that of our own). It reaches a high of 20°C in summer and -153°C in winter. Venus has a dense atmosphere, equivalent to being one kilometre underwater on Earth, with a surface temperature of 462°C. On Mars, two birds can be killed with one stone, if the stone is a space mirror. Mirrors made of a highly reflective lightweight substance, Mylar, could direct sunlight onto the planet’s surface. The polar caps of Mars are composed of frozen water and solidified CO2 deposits. The mirrors would vaporise the deposits, thickening the atmosphere and thus warming the planet. Planetary oceans and temperate climates would form. Adding genetically altered phytoplankton would convert dissolved CO2 into oxygen and carbon, forming a simple carbon cycle and a breathable atmosphere. The planet would then be habitable for colonists, plants and animals meaning, ta-daa, we have a new Earth. To achieve similar results on Venus, a lot more effort is required. Any probe sent to the planet is either dissolved by the sulphuric

acid present or crushed by the immense pressure. To prevent this, the carbon dioxide atmosphere must be thinned by adding hydrogen. This would react to form vast amounts of graphite and water, generating an ocean and lowering the surface pressure. However, to create a sea covering 80 per cent of the planet and to decrease the pressure to three times our own would require a lot of hydrogen—about 20 moons’ worth. Jupiter has enough hydrogen for us to do this 36 million times over so sourcing it will not be difficult. The surface would quickly cool to 128°C and continue to decrease over time. But is there an easier way still? Can we forgo interplanetary haulage of gases and mirrors? Kenneth Roy, a speaker at the Icarus Interstellar Congress, has proposed “Shell Worlds” as a simpler solution. By building a shell around an entire planet, the temperature, atmosphere, pressure and water content can be controlled as easily as in a laboratory. A geologically inert planet, such as Mars, would suffice as there would be no volcanic eruptions to blow a hole in the construct. Colonists could live on the ground, in hanging cities or in the shell itself. Factory structures would occupy the shell so all waste could be ejected into space. The planet needn’t occupy the Goldilocks Zone either. If the conditions could be properly synthesised, the replicas would be a home away from home. Yet, for any of these possibilities to come to fruition we need to survive on Earth for long enough to advance that far. Here’s hoping.

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ESCAPE FROM CONSPIRACY EARTH

issue 2 | survival

FILM

Oscarbation Philip McSweeney

The ballots are closed and the results are in: the winner of the Oscars, for the 87th consecutive year, was the advertising industry. Despite a slight downturn from last year’s numbers, The Oscars’ televised live ceremony drew in a crowd of 37 million legal American viewers and no doubt plenty more illegal ones, myself amongst them, soaking up the glitz and the glamour in my Aro Valley hovel. Despite the fact the Oscars have little remaining credibility, the annual farce continues to draw in mesmerised viewers, even if they do pretend to be hatewatchers. Did it deserve its viewership?

The event itself was hosted by an increasingly beleaguered Neil Patrick Harris, whose quip about the Oscars celebrating “the best and the whitest” was the first among many off-notes of the evening. Lots of people will have been a bit miffed that certain brilliant selections— Calgary, Under the Skin, Fifty Shades of Gray, A Talking Cat!?!— didn’t get the academy’s royal imprimatur. But to overlook Selma was different—here was a movie that was critically adored as well as being perfect Oscar fodder, and the bizarre omission cast a pall on the evening that lame jokes only made worse.

I started watching during the pre-ceremony red carpet event, a ritual whose in-your-face decorousness and sophistication is surely designed to juxtapose the undignified ceremony which comes after it. The dresses were a little staid this year but some were on point: Emma Stone looked ravishing, ScarJo tasteful. Marion Cotillard, in an unprecedented display of temerity, managed to wear an upturned tent and still look flawless.

Harris also occupied a weird middle-ground in his delivery, half laughing off the idea of racism in the Academy as a conspiracy theory and half acknowledging its institutional biases, and with this ambiguity the joke didn’t really gel for anyone. Harris made his position clear in an off-the-cuff joke, one of his best of the evening, which he made after David Oyelowo got a rousing applause—“oh, so now you want him”—but his speechwriters were less inclined to take a firm stance. The result was devastating awkwardness.

The red carpet interviews, conducted as celebrities mill around looking at loose ends in the background, were filled with predictable questions and choreographed answers, with one exception. An interviewer asked Dakota Johnson’s mum if she’d seen Fifty Shades of Grey. “I think it would be strange,” she responded, and Johnson’s whine of “Moooo-ooomm you’re embarrassing me” reverted her briefly—and poignantly—back into adolescence.

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Awkwardness describes the tone of most of the evening. One of Harris’ unfathomable running gags was entrusting the safety of a briefcase to Olivia Harris, who looked not unlike the acquiescing hostage of an armed robbery every time the camera panned to her. #freeoctavia indeed.

The opening ditty, featuring forced cameos by Anna Kendrick and Jack Black(?), was bizarre enough to warrant a bemused look from Meryl Streep. The “In memoriam” roll omitted Joan Rivers and took forever to get to Robin Williams. The “get off the stage you bore” music started playing just as one winner thanked his “late wife”; the cringe was compounded when he finished “and my children! …who aren’t dead, ha ha” at a machine-gun pace. The speeches were a decidedly mixed bag. The creator of “Best Foreign Film”, Ida, delivered a convivial speech that implored his friends in Poland to “get drunk”, though this made his direction on the soporifically austere Ida seem even more forced. Patricia Arquette deserved her win for Best Supporting Actress, playing her role as a stifled but loving mother pitch-perfectly, and her initially fumbling speech gave way to a “J’ACCUSE” moment wherein she demanded equal gender pay. “It is our time,” she insisted, and her call to arms was met by Meryl Streep, who responded by standing and gesticulating wildly. All wonderful sentiments, spoilt somewhat by a post-ceremony interview where she demanded the “queer community and black community” help white women in their time of need. Considering the wage gap is larger between ethnicities than cisgenders and that Queer people—especially Trans people of colour—are at least eight times more likely to risk poverty and homelessness, I imagine they’ll probably pass. But thanks for asking, Patricia! They weren’t all bad. Common and John Legend, winners of Best Original Song—introduced as “John Stevens and Lonnie Lin”— gave a powerful oratory on racial inequality in the U.S of A and the importance of harmony. Legend earned the title of bravest Oscar speech since X’s anti-Israel comments when he noted that “there are more incarcerated black people today than there were slaves in 1850”, though his comments were better received. In the midst of the palpable beauty and audacity, it was hard not to feel moved—even if I was terrified that their speech would be interrupted by the musical number, who seemed to take pleasure in picking the most gauche possible moment to begin their dismissal.

a heartfelt and warm speech. Lady Gaga and Julie Andrews hugged and it was pretty fucking cool. Ultimately, though, it was difficult to feel anything when the evening rolled to a close. Harris, his presenting duties almost over, looked exhausted and embarrassed, rather wishing he personified the “Bear” gay stereotype instead of the “eloquent” one so he could hibernate for three months after all this was over. Sean “domestic abuser” Penn presented the Best Picture, and upon seeing it was Birdman, jibed “who gave this son-of-a-bitch [Alejandro González Iñárritu, a Mexican] a green card” in a tone that would have pleased Winston Peters, but I was too shattered to take in the meaning. Iñárritu was a gracious winner and I made a mental note to bump Birdman up the “to watch” list and the caper came to an inglorious close. What a lark, what a plunge. So what draws us to the Oscars, in spite of their predictability, tokenistic gestures, sometime lack of artistic merit? I have no idea. There are theories about postmodern spectacle, the fascinating and intrinsic disconnect between actors and their roles, the sign and the signified come to life in Dolby Surround. That sounds a bit sterile to me: even though none of the actors, this year or next, will use their Oscar as a sex-toy on stage and redefine the meaning of “Oscar-bait” forever or repurpose it as a bong; even though none of the people at the Oscars will give their $250,000 goodie bag to organizations supporting the dismantling of the prison-industrial complex, or Queer rights, or at-risk youth, the lofty rhetoric’s permanence extinguished along with lights when the curtains close; even though the film we thought was the best of the year will never win—we are seduced by the gorgeousness, the genuine emotions than shine through, the smiling loved ones, the humility of the losers. It is these human things, more than the extravagance of the experience, that shine bright like a diamond.

What else? Oh! Despite the previous claim about lack of diversity in the Oscars, there was a Red Mayne present and he even won (deservingly) the Oscar for Best Actor! “This belongs to all the people in the world suffering ALS,” he cheeped like a canary on one too many benzos. “I will answer his beck and call. I will wait on him hand and foot.” Lovely. Julianne Moore won an “it’s about bloody time” Best Actress and gave

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FILM

“Sean ‘domestic abuser’ Penn presented the Best Picture, and upon seeing it was Birdman, jibed ‘who gave this son-of-a-bitch [Alejandro González Iñárritu, a Mexican] a green card’ in a tone that would have pleased Winston Peters”

FILM

issue 2 | survival

Selma Directed by Ava Duvernay

nor black civil rights have been appropriately covered by mainstream Hollywood cinema up to this point in the way that important historical events that do not make white audiences feel bad have. It seems wrong that we got Quentin Tarantino’s blaxploitation comedy Django Unchained before we got a film like 12 Years a Slave.

Selma comes to the awards season a year after Steve McQueen’s 12 Years a Slave won the Academy award for Best Picture. Both are violent and beautiful films concerned with significant parts of American history: slavery in the mid 1800s and the fight for Black Americans to be able to vote unencumbered that led to the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Both are films by black directors; Ava Duverney is American while McQueen, like many of the actors in the casts of these films, is British.

Selma is a political drama concerned with a particular struggle of the civil rights movement led by Martin Luther King Jnr; it is not a biopic of King. That film will surely come; Steven Spielberg owns the rights to the speeches King made. This narrowed scope allows for the complexities of the situation to be coherently realised. It is a political drama about the different and interrelated ways politics affects us. From a personal and family level to the dynamics of activist groups and on a broader level, it is about the abuses suffered by black Americans and the highlevel political work and posturing in relation to this.

It seems shocking that films like these are only really being made now. Neither slavery

Unlike 12 Years a Slave, Selma has not been recognised for being as great a work as it is,

American Sniper

showing the darker side of war including the violence, horror and psychological effects on soldiers. Of course, as an American film, this perspective is decidedly swayed towards depicting the American cause, but the balance between depictions of Iraqi people, their plight and motivations is also varied, if not always well fleshed out.

Harry Evans

Directed by Clint Eastwood

Baz Macdonald

There is a lot of debate raging recently about the role of military movies in our modern world. Are they propaganda? Or are they a tribute to the men and women who have risked their lives for their country? The film to spark this debate was Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper, the true story of the most successful sniper in American history, Chris Kyle. Eastwood’s film follows Kyle throughout his military career, including the hunt for infamous Iraqi sniper Mustafa. Despite the debate, the film is surprisingly balanced in its approach to depicting war both as a brave and selfless act and also in

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The film presents Kyle, and so the audience, with some very complex issues of war. These issues are presented without a clear right or wrong answer and leave you with niggling worries about the morality of war and thoughts of how you would handle the horrible situations these soldiers are put in. But these thoughts are your own to explore, because the film never does anything more than present them without any exploration. The much larger issues with the film come from its scripting and occasionally from its direction. These two factors frequently coalesce to create a tenuously plodding narrative, moving from event to event without giving the audience time to really connect with the characters or the pathos.

with only two Oscar nominations. It is one of the best films of the year and should have received more. David Oyelowo portrays King with a gravity that befits his public image while giving us the delicate moments that make this twentieth-century giant a man. Duvernay does a masterful job of directing that is really emotionally moving without ever being trite. Her decisions in relation to sound and violence are particularly affecting. Selma serves up a full spectrum of feeling while telling an important story that has a great deal of contemporary relevance.

Consequently, the film is often without tension or emotional payoff. The standout element of the film is Bradley Cooper’s portrayal of Chris Kyle and Sienna Miller’s depiction of his wife, Taya Kyle. Both actors gave excellent performances, often transcending the flaws of the script by giving real and engagingly visceral depictions. Miller in particular deserves recognition for creating a complex and fascinating character from a two-dimensional script. American Sniper has sparked an important debate, which is really its greatest accomplishment. At best it is a mildly successful war film which presents many ideas, but never really fleshes them out, due to a script more interested in covering ground than achieving anything of substance.

FILM

Jupiter Ascending Directed by The Wachowskis As a movie: As a bad movie: Stephen Hay As I was sitting in the movie theatre waiting for Jupiter Ascending to begin, my mind went back to a very similar event almost exactly 20 years ago. Back in 1995 another big budget Hollywood sci-fi movie, Waterworld, was being talked about as being one of the worst films of all time. However, Jupiter Ascending’s totally bizarro plot marks it out as a very different bad movie from Kevin Costner’s failed epic. More interestingly, it is a product of a very different Hollywood—a Hollywood that Jupiter Ascending’s directors, the Wachowski siblings, played a big part in shaping. Waterworld was simply a dumb idea that the filmmaker couldn’t be bothered to make well and instead just threw an obscene amount of money at it. This was seen as epitomising the worst aspects of Hollywood blockbusters: big, stupid spectacles made by filmmakers who only cared about stories as pretexts to show off special effects. This idea still has a lot of currency today but, despite the seemingly neverending stream of Transformers and Pirates of the Caribbean films, it is no longer as valid. The end of the 90s saw a series of successful

films herald a change in the realm of blockbuster—The Sixth Sense, Memento and most importantly The Matrix. These films showed that filmmakers with big ideas could make big money. A brief glimpse at the filmographies of those “visionary” filmmakers proves beyond doubt that big ideas do not guarantee quality cinema. However, this has certainly not stopped them and others from continuing on this path. Jupiter Ascending may very well be the epitome of big-idea Hollywood and it is only fitting that the same filmmakers who had the biggest part in starting it all are giving this example to us. To try to summaries the plot(s) of Jupiter Ascending would require a corkboard loaded full of photos and names all elaborately connected by a multitude of strings (an unhinged FBI agent that can enter the mind of a madman would also be useful). Even then the twists, curveballs, betrayals and shifting allegiances are nearly impossible to convey. To put it simply, this film is a total mess, but the reasons for the mess are what elevate Jupiter Ascending from a bad movie to an incredibly enjoyable bad movie. The Wachowskis have always been interested in big ideas. Between the pioneering special effects and kickass action, The Matrix is packed full of references to postmodern philosophy, eastern spiritualism and Jesus metaphors all wrapped up in cyberpunk and noir style. A decade and a half and a series of less than mediocre films later, the Wachowskis decided to quintuple down on big ideas and forget about the story. The basic premise of Jupiter Ascending is that the Earth was seeded with humans to be later harvested

like cattle. This is an idea that is based on a thought experiment use by philosophers to think about the meaning of life. On top of this, the Wachowskis pack in some spiritual transmigration, personal transformation, transhumanism, futurism, Western and Eastern mythologies, and critiques of capitalism and state bureaucracy. These ideas are, or attempted to be, communicated to us through a narrative and aesthetic that borrows from Dune, Flash Gordon, Brazil (Terry Gilliam has a cameo), Kafka, Moebius and Philip K. Dick, to name just a few. These big ideas are undoubtedly close to the hearts of the Wachowskis and they have put a lot of effort in exploring them. This is how Jupiter Ascending becomes such a great so-bad-it’s-good film, because like Plan 9 from Outer Space and The Room, this is an earnest passion project gone horribly wrong. The Wachowskis, so absorbed in big ideas, simply forgot they needed a story that makes sense or to create possible character motivation. It didn’t matter to them how silly it was to have a person riding on the outside of a spaceship or have bees able to smell royalty (made infinitely sillier by having Sean Bean explain it). The film does lose some so-badit’s-good points with the boring performances by the leads, but Eddie Redmayne makes up for this with his amazing over-the-top campy antagonist. If you go to this film expecting a new Matrix you will be profoundly disappointed. However, if you want to watch a hot mess of a film and have a chance to laugh at the hubris of modern Hollywood, then Jupiter Ascending is a must see.

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issue 2 | survival

CAN WE BUILD AN IRON MAN? Gus Mitchell

Every Marvel movie fan has wanted a real-life Iron Man suit. Who wouldn’t want to fly around and shoot lasers out of their own personal human-sized tank? But my question is, under current technological constraints, can we build an Iron Man? Provided you can make the two constants of his armour work together, the suit itself and its power source, it seems plausible. To start, we must first do some comic book archaeology and go back to his cave (with a box of scraps). When Stan Lee created him in 1963, the first implantable pacemaker was being tested, thanks to the earlier invention of the transistor in 1954. And so art imitates life; the power source was also a pacemaker that kept Tony Stark alive after being bombarded with shrapnel, and the suit was powered by transistors that augmented Iron Man’s power. As his writers update his armour with the times, we can look to real-life technology to determine whether or not Tony Stark’s suit is feasible. In engineering terms, the suit is a “powered exoskeleton”, which already exist in costly but relatively efficient forms. Currently in use is the Human Universal Load Carrier made by Lockheed Martin, who must have had another Marvel hero in mind when they made the acronym. Its hydraulics increase the user’s strength to lift up to 200 pounds (90kg), by redistributing weight across its frame. Essentially, it’s a wearable forklift; it does the work, but it’s not much use in a fight. Yet. Last year, the US army went public with the TALOS Project, which aims to make Iron Men out of American soldiers. The TALOS suit is a mix of defensive plates and “liquid armour”, a fluid substance that hardens under impacts like bullet fire. It is also installed with monitors that track a soldier’s vital signs, like heart rate and temperature. So while a physical suit is possible, the other half of the Iron Man equation proves trickier to implement. The suits listed depend on hefty battery packs that eat up power quickly. Research is being done to increase their efficiency using integrated power supplies, with a battery in every

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part of the suit rather than a single power source. However, each supply must have a zero percent failure rate in order to be deemed efficient. Any malfunction in part of the suit could injure or kill the user. Tony Stark’s arc reactor may be a light that never goes out, but we have yet to find a energy source that can be made as portable and ever-lasting. Which means that the superhero elements of Iron Man, powered by his limitless energy source, may have to stick to the silver screen and the printed page. Flight is next to impossible, as rockets cannot be made palm-sized and yet support the weight of one grown man and his goldtitanium alloy suit. The repulsors, described in one comic as “reactionless force projection”, break Newton’s Third Law. The additional sci-fi elements, such as nanites, aren’t even out of the lab. But don’t despair, true believers. If anything, this should galvanise the desire to see something like this made real. Marvel chose Iron Man to kick off their movie-verse because he’s the superhero equivalent of Bill Gates or Elon Musk: a billionaire genius who makes the impossible possible through technology. He inspires us to make our world more like his. There are likely dozens of engineers in their own caves with boxes of scraps forging away to make marvels happen. If you have the heart to build it, then you can make an Iron Man.

SCIENCE

Radio controlled gene therapy Patrick Savill

At New York’s Rockefeller University, geneticists are researching new therapies for chronic diseases. By adding modified gene cells into an organism, it is possible to stimulate bodily processes, such as insulin production. These processes are now able to be switched on, or off, by radio signal. Three genetic variations of existing cells were added to a mouse’s liver and were controlled by researchers. The key element was a protein containing a high concentration of iron, called ferritin. At the correct frequency, the iron absorbed energy from the signal, which raised its temperature. Another cell with a heatresponsive gene activated and flooded neighbouring cells with calcium. Thus the gene created to respond to high levels of calcium and produce insulin was triggered. However, the production of insulin in this manner is incredibly inefficient, which the lead researcher, Jeffrey Friedman, acknowledges. “There are many good treatments for diabetes that are much simpler,” he said. The treatment is currently a proof of concept but research is being carried out to see if the control of dopamine can treat Parkinson’s patients. Growing tumours into which the cells are injected is currently part of the procedure, which renders it ethically nonviable for human applications.

Still no aliens, but Hubble Telescope discovers emoji in space Bridget Pyc

Although our quest for extra-terrestrial beings remains unsatisfied, the Hubble Space Telescope has captured a beautiful image of a happy face smiling down on us from space. The image resembles the familiar emoji, with two bright eyes, a perfectly round face and a cheeky little smile. The smiley is caused by a phenomenon discovered by Einstein called “strong gravitational lensing”. The two bright eyes in the centre are entire galaxies found a couple of billion light-years away. These galaxies are so large that their gravitational pull is strong enough to warp spacetime. This is the same gravity that pulls an apple towards Earth, but in this case, it bends the light from other galaxies to form the grin and the round cartoon face. The image was discovered as part of the Hubble’s Hidden Treasures competition, whereby amateur photographers were asked to search through the masses of the telescopes archives for overlooked discoveries. This is no huge breakthrough for the scientific community, but the rest of us can sleep easy knowing that the universe is smiling down upon us.

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issue 2 | survival

MUSIC

DRAKE - IF YOU’RE READING THIS IT’S TOO LATE MARILYN MANSON - THE PALE EMPEROR Alexa Weatherall If you haven’t heard Drake’s new surprise commercial mixtape yet, you’re probably not a fan of Drake/hip hop/pop/R&B. But you might want to give it a go anyway, because although it’s not Drake’s best, it’s still pretty good, and it’s a great representation of why Drake is the future—so you might as well acquaint yourself with what’s likely to be the best album of 2015 before he releases the highly anticipated Views From The 6. Drake is Canadian, and it’s definitely not summer over there. I made the mistake of listening for the first time in a semi-pleasant mood in a room drenched with sunlight. I do not recommend this. Perhaps instead listen at night time, maybe on a Wednesday, when you’re amidst a mid-week crisis. It’s times like those that Drake thrives. Save him for a rainy day or a cool night if you want a true and genuine Drake Experience. As expected, the production is pretty nice. Drake has always been one for showcasing great production talent, and this mixtape is no different. Boi-1da (check: “6pm in New York”), 40 (check: “Jungle”) and PARTYNEXTDOOR (check: “Wednesday Night Interlude”) are the standouts, and they do a polished job with the slow, clean, smart beats that compliment Drake’s equally smooth voice and his always honest lyrics. Mazel tov! One interesting aspect of the mixtape is that Drake doesn’t mention his Jewish heritage like he usually does, perhaps a subtle critique of the Gaza situation. Drake instead focuses on “the 6,” his money, his women, and how he has to deal with all the fakes. The first half isn’t as good as the second half and without any deliberate radio bangers, If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late is a slow burn. It lasts a long time, like a fat blunt. Drake tells us he has been trying to cut down on smoking, because underneath the Drake is “Aubrey, the biggest boss” who’s a real person, and just like you he’s got his vices. His acknowledgement of both his flaws and his many strengths is what makes Drake so endearing and I think we can all benefit from Drake’s self awareness. Listen, because you will see yourself in Drake, and hopefully you will see some of Drake in you.

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Alice Reid Marilyn Manson’s ninth studio album feels a little bit different to the rest of his stuff. It’s less industrial grime and way more synthheavy. It’s a bit grungey, but not entirely committed to that kind of sound. I’m almost tempted to use the word “mainstream” but I don’t want to sound like too much of a dick. For the most part, though, it feels a lot less intense. In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Manson said “I’m chaos, I’ve always been chaos, my point on Earth is chaos. I’m the third act of every movie you’ve ever seen. I’m the part where it rains and the part where the person you don’t want to die dies.” In other words, he’s still at it. I can’t help thinking that it’s all such an act— but for me, The Pale Emperor didn’t play into that act as much as I wanted it to. The album’s just not as confronting as his earlier stuff and I have to admit that I was a tiny bit disappointed by that. Realistically though, Manson’s had a long career and at 46, he’s still got more shock value than most artists. He’s always been a lyrical genius and I don’t think you can fault his musical ability. The Pale Emperor may be a bit tame by his usual standards, but it’s still Manson’s best album in years. The Pale Emperor certainly has a different feel to it too. All of the tracks are good, but for me there was no one track that particularly stood out. “Third Day of a Seven Day Binge” and “Deep Six” are both great songs and are easily some of Manson’s catchiest tracks in a while. “The Mephistopheles of Los Angeles” is another radiofriendly track that has a solid tune and lyrics that only Manson could come up with. Other highlights include “Warship My Wreck” and “Devil Beneath My Feet”. It’s no Mechanical Animals or Antichrist Superstar, but The Pale Emperor is still easily worth a listen.

WE DRANK THIS SO YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO Lydia and Mitch

RETSINA Cost: $9.65 Alcohol Volume: 11 per cent Pairing: Red Rocks Honey Soy Chicken chips, copious amounts of free wine from the Governor-General [cheers Jezza]. Verdict: ★★ “You can drink this; I wouldn’t want to.” The day was 6 February and upon gracefully (not gracefully) leaving a reception at Government House, we visited Regional Wines and Liquor. Here, the proprietor was nice enough to both stop vacuuming and potentially contravene the Sale of Liquor Act by directing us to, and allowing us to purchase, the intriguingly Greek beverage Retsina. The novelty value of Retsina lies in the production technique of using pine resin to seal the barrels. This supposedly imbues the wine with a “pine aroma”—but as we shall explain, dear readers, a more apt description might be “soggy Christmas tree”. We took it home, sniffed it, and were a bit repulsed. While initially inoffensive, the ancient Greek wine forces feelings of regret in the consumer when the disturbingly green liquid interacts with the tonsils. Some of the fault may lie with us in not following the quite explicit instructions to “enjoy it well chilled and turn each moment into a yorti (celebration).” However, our perseverance in the face of strong opposition from our gag reflexes should be noted. To give credit where it is due, Retsina inspired an ill-informed and frankly embarrassing discussion about Greek politics and the country’s complicated relationship with the Eurozone, which provided brief entertainment. If the recording we made of ourselves as research for this review is any indication, Retsina certainly has the ability to turn each moment into a yorti, albeit a yorti tinged with shame and accompanied by a spewing forth of what some might term “shit yarns”. While Mitch was against the idea of ever even thinking about Retsina again, Lydia rather charitably said she would drink it on the Olympics. But in the interests of not being cute, she should admit she would, in fact, not drink it on the Olympics (or ever). You know when a wine improves over the night? Because you let it breathe? And lower your standards? Yeah, no, Retsina, no. Our advice to you? If you’re wanting to experience a wine outside your comfort zone, don’t. Just get a sav you terminal wanker.

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THEATRE

issue 2 | survival

28 Days: A Period Piece Discharge Written by Abby Howells, directed by Caitlin McNaughton

Baz Macdonald Discharge is a troupe of female comedians who have been bringing us socially aware, and hilarious, theatre since 2012. They’ve had some massive successes over the last couple of years with shows such as What Is This, Woman’s Hour? and Benedict Cumberbatch Must Die. There latest show 28 Days: A Period Piece continues their grand tradition of hilarious and poignant comedy. Written by Discharge member Abby Howells, the show follows a bunch of actors preparing a show about periods that they are to tour around high schools. However, the show they have prepared is written by the men on the Board of Directors and so completely misses the point and perspective that these ladies should have about “The P”, as it is affectionately named. Each of the Discharge women presents a new song which demonstrates their perspective on this most taboo of topics. The issues the show deals with are many and often poignant, but as enlightening as the show is, the message is secondary to the pure entertainment that the hilarious hijinks bring. What makes the show so alive is the different style that each of the characters brings, from Rosie Howells’ rapping badassery to Kate Schrader’s crooning cabaret. The energy and joy that Discharge brings to their performances is infectious, and when combined with Howells’ stellar writing and the superb direction of Caitlin McNaughton, it creates truly unique and thoroughly enjoyable theatre. Discharge has one more dynamite show under its belt.

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Thre3e Mirrored Faces Productions Directed and written by Jett Ranchhod

Baz Macdonald I left Thre3e with a huge smile on my face… because it was finally over. It is rare to find theatre this bad in Wellington, but Mirrored Faces Productions made many key mistakes, creating an experience which has left me with PTTD (PostTraumatic Theatre Disorder). Though the problems of this show were many, the main perpetrator has to be the script, written by director and co-star Jett Ranchhod. The story reads like a teenage boy’s masturbatory fantasy, following a bunch of flatmates as they compete in a video game tournament for a $10,000 prize. There were really no redeeming qualities in the narrative. The dialogue was stilted and nonsensical, the characters’ motivations were absent or completely irrational and the relationships were either completely unbelievable or again made absolutely no sense. Worst of all, the script was abysmally misogynistic, treating the one female character like a sexual object that could be passed around the flat to anyone’s liking. These problems were exacerbated by the performances in the piece. The two male leads, Jett Ranchhod and Keeghan McGarry, gave performances that would have looked bad in a high school production, let alone at BATS. Of course they had very little to work with, but there deliveries were still often cringeworthy. The female lead, Lindsay Astarita, did a slightly better job at bringing the “script” to life, but even she seemed like she didn’t want to be there, and I couldn’t help but empathise with that. The show’s one redeeming quality was the fight sequences, which were well choreographed and had clearly been keenly rehearsed. But unfortunately even this one sliver of light in the darkness was ruined by the inept design and execution of the show’s technical elements. Every fight scene was crippled by poorly timed lighting cues, and a baffling absence of nondiegetic sound to bulk out the energy of the fighting.

ART

In Review – The City Gallery Sharon Lam

Hailed as the cornerstone of Wellington’s art scene, the City Gallery this week debuted another critically acclaimed exhibit. We sent our team of art experts down to check it out. Immediately upon entry, an artist approached us and requested that we surrender our backpacks and coats—we were shocked! Although we were prepared for controversial avant-garde pieces, to be confronted so early on threw us off! Upon debaggaging our items, I felt my own personal baggage lightening, which I found worrying and alarming. We left the piece with bewildered looks towards the artist, whose face remained expressionless. What an actor! The second piece we came across, Untitled, appeared to be an interactive installation. We were unsure as to the nature of the interaction itself, until we observed another party of viewers. It seems that you are meant to become part of the installation by placing your rear on the top of the object, and let it support your weight, or “sit” as we were told by the helpful gallery guide. We proceeded to “sit”, but we still didn’t get it. After this disappointing piece, we made our way to the next in the exhibit, yet another Untitled piece. We believe the piece was a kinetic sculpture of some sort, about the

size of a large cat. There were underlying tones of industry—perhaps a critique of neo-capitalism, but the overpowering theme was that of the fickle nature of humankind, expressed through a series of blinking lights and occasional, very quiet, “whoosh” noises. Mentally tired from the creative demands the pieces, we decided to conclude our trip to the City Gallery. We were surprised to find that our journey was not as over as we had thought! Before leaving, the first artist that had approached us, approached us once again and asked us if we would like our bags and coats back. Wow! We could not believe it! A complete reversal of the original performance piece! How delightfully unexpected! We looked at each other in awe, and congratulated the artist many times over as she proceeded to hand to us first our coats, and then our bags. She remained completely modest— slightly confused even, at the praise we were giving her, as if she was unaware of her great artistic merit. So if modesty and masterpieces are what you are looking for—the City Art Gallery is the place for you.

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issue 2 | survival

GAMES

The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask 3DS Developed and Published by Nintendo Platforms: 3DS

Jack Young The black sheep of the Legend of Zelda family, and the evil twin of Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask is creepy, dark and addictive. Majora’s Mask 3DS does justice to the original, proving that the fifteen-year-old classic still holds water. The game’s personality and countless side quests make it hard to put down. While the majority of Link’s quest boasts superb game design, a few areas and one specific dungeon can at times show the product’s age. So what’s new? Those who played the game back in 2000 should for the most part find what’s familiar. Many of the changes made are simple but serve to modernize the experience. For instance, the layout in Clock Town, the game’s bustling central hub, has been revamped—it is now easier to navigate and prettier than ever before. Some changes are far more than just aesthetic. The touch screen interface, much like Ocarina of Time 3DS, makes accessing and using your extensive inventory a breeze. Furthermore, all

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the bosses have a new exploitable weakness, and the latter two dungeon bosses have completely new final phases of attack. The remake even sports one brand new side quest. The last and most important change is undoubtedly the graphics upgrade. The 3DS revitalises Majora’s setting Termina, to a breathtaking degree. The four different regions of the game—the swamp, mountains, ocean and canyon—are brought to life with colour and more detailed textures. When looking at character models of Link or any other member of Majora’s quirky cast, you find yourself brought into their world, rather than taken out by the pixelated animations unavoidable in the late 90s. The one issue I did take with the game’s presentation came when a friend pointed out the game’s look was a lot brighter and more optimistic than it had previously been. This is upsetting because Majora’s Mask was, and continues to be, an atmospheric and unnerving experience—the brightness so prevalent in the 2015 version slightly detracts from the game’s spookier tone. As with most Zelda games, the plot in Majora’s Mask is understated and secondary to the personalities it gives you an excuse to meet. The antagonist, the mischievous Skull Kid, is immediately likable and easy to sympathise with. The creepy mask salesman who tasks you with retrieving Majora’s Mask is just as interesting and twisted. Each region of Termina has a population of characters—a rock band of Zoras, a Blacksmith and his giant assistant, a gang of

kids roaming the streets of Clock Town—and many feature deep side quests to complete. The player is tasked with completing these quests before the end of a three-day/night cycle; different events happen at different times of day, and a new alarm feature makes managing this easier than ever. It really seems like life in this world continues whether you’re in it or not. The reward for making the world better is often the acquisition of a new mask. Over twenty different masks give Link abilities, from running faster to transforming into different species. These abilities will translate to being better equipped to deal with dungeons, of which there are four. The dungeons of Majora’s Mask are a great mix of puzzles and battles. It’s very rewarding to overcome a problem that has previously stumped you, with the water temple a good example of this. Unfortunately, the game’s last dungeon is prone to simple-to-solve problems that are repetitive and timeconsuming. Similarly, dungeon bosses for the most part are well-designed fights with cool combat options to toy with, but the last (as a result of the remake’s new additions) often felt over-difficult and cheap. Majora’s Mask may be one of the most underrated Zelda games, but it consistently shows itself to be one of the best, and arguably the most ambitious. Though the game may have benefitted from a few more dungeons, this is made up for with countless other activities which give it great value. The 3DS’s new coat of paint has made the already deep and absorbing world of Majora’s Mask better realised. This is a must play.

Jayne Mulligan

The boxes are piled high, after being carried up too many flights of stairs; their weight is a stark reminder of the growing mass of your book collection. Your attachment and inability to throw books out seems infantile. Your insistence on bringing your entire Harry Potter collection with you was balked at by your parents, but mostly because they knew they would be the ones helping you move these godforsaken heavy boxes. Books get under our skin. They bring us in to a world, and capture our imagination. Our attachment to that experience is acted out through an attachment to the phsyical form. Book collections grow and shrink and grow again, becoming more than simply houses for stories and words. For most people there are certain books that they carry through most of their life, whether it’s the book your parents gave you at 21 or at 5. Perhaps in each new city, you buy new editions of the same book. Or maybe you have over 10 editions of Alice in Wonderland. Everybody has different patterns with their book collecting habits. The power of books comes from the coalescence of the magic of the words within, and the very life of the physical book itself. This becomes particularly pertinent as we live in an age where the tangibility of things is losing importance: music, calendars, photo albums, and books, all beginning to exist as mere lists stored within a device.

It’s stripped away the physicality of things. While this shift threatens the book trade, we still find in many houses and bedrooms the presence of a bookshelf. Bookshelves operate in the middle section of a Venn diagram between housing a collection, and acting as a display unit. It is because of this powerful crossover position that bookshelves are a stronghold in homes. The curation of a collection is built up through many different aspects. The origin is important: was it a gift, or did you inherit it, was it a treat to yourself, what impulse compelled you to buy it? Was it from Unity Books while you wandered the town with a love interest, or was it from Pegasus books after hours of hunting through their collection. Perhaps it was from Vic Books as an end of study present to yourself. The significance of the author and title are important as well: are they a classic or an obscure writer, is this a book just for your collection or will you read this one, how did you discover this author, a friend’s recommendation? Is it your sibling’s favourite author? And then there are all the other books that have accumulated over the years, all those books you’ve borrowed and never returned, or those books you stole from your parents, all full of their marginalia. The constructed nature of curating a book collection can begin to occupy a realm saved for hobbies leading some to proclaim

“I’m really trying to cultivate a library”. Your particular style of bookshelf is also as individual. With Pinterest and Tumblr full of different romanticised bookshelf trends, there’s a certain element of pressure to have a solid bookshelf look—whether it’s the pallet bed with books strewn around the room in unruly stacks, inhabiting a truly boho-chic library, or a white-walled, evenly stacked, and beautifully accessorised bookshelf that embodies Vogue’s idea of home interior design (the ultimate goal is to create an off set balance using accessories, alternating book orientation and size, duh). Bookshelf styles tell you if their collector is an anal-retentive book fiend, who tries to keep all authors together, and same-sized books all perfectly stacked, or a laissez-faire book collector who isn’t interested in organising their book collection. Bookshelves will make you fall a little more in love with someone, as you recognise the same titles lining their shelves. You may read poetry from said bookshelf, the morning after a one-night stand. Or a bookshelf may be the unfortunate object upon which the drunk dude you were just pashing vomits. A bookshelf contains your life of reading, and plays an important role in your life; something about chapters in your life would be such an appropriate and painful metaphor here. So keep this in mind when you unpack those boxes of books, in the words of Carlos Maria Dominguez, an Argentinean writer; “To build up a library is to create a life. It’s never just a random collection of books.”

Top 5 Survival Books The Road – Cormac McCarthy Wild – Cheryl Strayed Robinson Crusoe – Willam DeFoe Life of Pi – Yann Martel Hatchet – Gary Paulson

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BOOKS

In Case of Books

issue 2 | survival desktop, which you will avoid making eye contact with for another two weeks.

A+

The Lifecycle of an Assignment You’ve just been handed your first assignment, that you “didn’t know about” even though it’s been in your course outline since O-Week. You are either ecstatic about the chance to “learn” and prove to your grandma that you were right for uni, or you have just been confronted with the reality of the next three years. But for now, making a start consists of writing the due date on your free wall planner and saving a copy of the assignment to your

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At this stage we can begin to determine whether you are a Type Luke: methodically work away at collating resources, planning essays and arriving nicely at the deadline with time for a celebratory warm beer. Or, you are a Type Tom (normal person): start by beginning a new TV series; once that’s complete, begin the mad two-day dash to ultimately produce an assignment as good as Luke’s, finishing with a celebratory wank. Or perhaps you are like our friend, who gave new meaning to the term “start it the night before” and got in a healthy night of League of Legends and then started at 3am … but don’t worry, it didn’t have a 9am deadline, it was a 5pm deadline—GG TinyElf.

of APA referencing. Gone are the days where “referencing” meant to copy and paste the url of the Wikipedia page you just plagiarised. Now it is your job to take a well-structured, readable, beautiful-looking assignment and completely ruin it with the names of a bunch of people that no one gives a shit about. Make sure you don’t screw this bit up, or you will go to jail for 100 years and work in a supermarket for the rest of your life. Three months later, you will receive your mark. Remember that you are no longer in a class of 28 at a high school no one’s ever heard of, so don’t be upset when your assignment didn’t stand out from the other 998 doing your first-year FCOM paper.

Right about now you will think you are finished—congratulations! But we’re sorry to say that you’re not. One of your new friends in your hostel has just shown you theirs and it seems to have a load of strange words in brackets throughout it. Welcome to the world

Tip of the week: now that you are in a hostel, remember that you are with the best of the best (except if you live in Vic House). Everyone is going to get high grades—don’t worry, your mum still thinks you’re special. Hugs and kisses, (Luke, Tom. 2015)

Photo credit: Lions Den Photography