Wellington | Issue 25 by Salient

Vol. 78

Issue 25

WE L L IN G TON

12 October

E H T P E KE S E M I GOOD T HIS T G N I GO R E M M SU

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Contents REGULAR CONTENT

6–17 NEWS AND COLUMNS

5 Editorial 10 Māori Matters 10 The Week In Feminism 12 The Moan Zone 12 We Drank This So You Wouldn’t Have To 14 Ask Agatha 14 Bridget Bones’ Diary 16 Notices 16 Letters 38 Yarn With Zwaan 44 Books 45 Games 46 Music 48 Film 50 Science 52 Visual Arts 53 Fashion 54 Comics 55 Puzzles

7 8

Editor Sam McChesney editor@salient.org.nz Design and Illustration Ella Bates-Hermans Lily Paris West designer@salient.org.nz News Editor Nicola Braid news@salient.org.nz Investigative News Editor Sophie Boot Chief Sub Editor Kimaya McIntosh Sub Editor Zoe Russell

Senior Feature Writer Philip McSweeney Feature Writers Sharon Lam Gus Mitchell Distributor Beckie Wilson News Reporters Tim Grgec Emma Hurley Charlie Prout Beckie Wilson Elea Yule News Interns Jordan Gabolinscy Alexa Zelensky News Photographer Jess Hill

Section Editors Sharon Lam (Visual Arts) Jayne Mulligan (Books) Bridget Pyć (Science) Kate Robertson (Music) Fairooz Samy (Film) Jess Scott (Fashion) Cameron Gray (Games) Other Contributors Geneveine Wilson, Brittany Mackie-Ellice, Tom and Luke, Lydia and Mitch, Auntie Agatha, Bridget Bones, Charlotte Doyle, Mr Susan, Rick Zwaan, Chris McDowall, Jonathan Hobman, Josh Ellery, Hamish Popplestone, Stephen Hay, Ellen O’Dwyer-Cunliffe, Sarah Dillon, Puck.

“Bet the next Salient is going to milk this dry” Grade Changes: They weren’t A-mazing

18–43 FEATURES 18 23 24 30 35 36 37 39 40 42

Salient New Zealander of the Year Salient 2015: In Numbers The Jet Plane, the Typewriter, and the Art Dealer Finding Love In Wellington We Drank With Grant Robertson So You Wouldn’t Have To The Cocktail Diaries Wellington’s Coffee Scene: Low Budgement Day Psalm of a Procrastinator Save Us Elon On Violence

Read Salient online at salient.org.nz Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington 04 463 6766 Advertising Jason Sutton sales@vuwsa.org.nz 04 463 6982 Social Media Philip McSweeney philip@salient.org.nz fb.com/salientmagazine @salientmagazine Printed By Inkwise, Ashburton

About Us Salient is published by, but is editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council. Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy. The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

Complaints People with a complaint against the magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. See presscouncil.org.nz/ complain.php for more information.

Editorial This is the final editorial of a year in which I’ve spent most of my time trying to avoid writing an editorial. To illustrate the point, here’s a hand turkey:

Is this the part where I thank people? Lists are great, and they sure do a job at filling up the word count. But the list of people to thank is huge (if you don’t believe me, turn to page 23) and devoting an entire column to thanking people is just a bit self-indulgent, frankly (if you don’t believe me, turn to page 38). Point is—if you’ve contributed to Salient this year, you have my deepest, grovellingest gratitude, that’s a given. <3 <3 <3

Maybe I should whinge about my job instead? Get salty about the people who didn’t like Salient this year? Recently one of the editors of Craccum, the Auckland Uni rag, snapped and wrote his editorial on the “barely literate” and “incredibly shit” people who read his magazine. “Fuck off,” he concluded. As hilarious as this meltdown was, and as much as there are parts of this job that drive me fucking nuts, my saltiness is far outweighed by relief that it’s over and done with, frankly. So what’s the point?

I should probably point out how awesome it is to make a magazine every week, and to have a university and a students’ association that, by and large, lets us print whatever the fuck we want. Student media is full of horror stories about people getting fired, and student magazines getting co-opted into university departments, or even just falling over through a lack of money. The first student mag I worked at, the editor got led away from the office by the police, which was fun.

I should probably apologise to everyone who has interacted with me in 2015. This year, my go-to response when people ask me “how’s it going?” has been “eh… this fucking job… y’know?”, which I now realise is incredibly selfish, because everyone knows that when someone asks you how it’s going they really don’t care, and the correct answer is always “good thanks, how are you?”. As one former editor wrote in her final editorial, “I’ve never been so fucking grumpy in my life. Also, why are there so many morons around?”

If there’s one thing that I’ve learnt this year, it’s, I don’t know. Here’s another hand turkey:

Be part of Salient in 2016! We are building our team and you look like just the type! Applications are now open for the following paid positions: News Editor

Does the state of news in this country give you sleepless nights? Be the change you want to see in the world, and join our newsroom. We want you to pursue stories, be a watchdog of the powerful, and generate quality news. You’ll train news interns into journalists.

Designer

This role is the thread that keeps the jersey together. Make Salient look damn fine with your mastery of photography, illustration and graphic design. Experience with photoshop and indesign is beneficial. Strong views on type, margins, and lines also very useful. This is a full time position.

Sub Editor

Are you the pedant in everyone’s life? Talk to us. With your fine eye for detail and love of grammar, help us to avoid the embarrassment and scorn of typos and shitty spelling.

Feature Writers

We want people who are the voices of this generation, or maybe next. We want people who pursue stories and make us laugh, think and feel all those feels. Up to three positions available.

Distributor

Do you love getting out and about Monday morning? Do you have a full license? Then we need, nay, want you. Distribution is essential for getting magazine around. Responsibility is key.

We also need lots of volunteers!

Writers: Write features, opinions, reviews or your very own column. Artists: Submit comics, cartoons, illustrations, photography, poetry, creative writing. Section Editors: Lead our Books, Film, Music, Theatre, Visual Arts, Fashion, Games, Food, TV, Technology, Science, or even our PUZZLES section. For detailed job descriptions and any enquiries email salientmag2016@ gmail.com. To apply send us a brief CV, Cover Letter, and short portfolio by November 15. Further positions will be advertised over summer, so keep your eyes peeled.

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Person of the week

BY THE NUMBERS

Jessica Mendoza

$25,000 The cost of a Californian diamond-encrusted manicure.

50.7% of China doesn’t have the internet.

45kg The weight of a pumpkin stolen from a South Dakota family valued at US$200.

88.8 The former all-American softballer made history this weekend by being the first woman to commentate a nationally televised Major League Baseball playoff game. Despite being an Olympic gold and silver medalist and attending Stanford University, Mendoza was still dubbed a “woman announcer” and received torrents of online abuse for you know, having a vagina and talking about sports.

www.salient.org.nz

Guns are owned per 100 people in the US right now.

USD$478,000 The amount Robert Mapplethorpe’s photograph “Man in Polyester Suit” sold for at auction.

issue 25

NEWS . K E E N E Y E F OR N E W S? S END A NY TIPS, LEA D S O R G OSSIP TO N E W S@SA LIENT.O RG .NZ

“BET THE NEXT SALIENT IS GOING TO MILK THIS DRY” ANGUS MAXIM PROVES CORRECT AFTER BOMB THREAT SHUTS DOWN MURPHY Nicola Braid Victoria was one of three tertiary institutions last week to be targeted by violent threats. Last Wednesday, Murphy Building was evacuated and Kelburn Parade was cordoned off after a note threatening the detonation of three bombs at Victoria was discovered. While the threatening note reportedly did not mention any building in particular, Murphy was considered the likely target. One student told Salient that “campus security burst into the class” and appeared “super concerned that we leave now”. “Police were insistent that we move as far away from Murphy as possible… police were directing traffic and telling us to get up Kelburn Parade as quick as possible and as far as possible. No one knew what was going on because no one told us anything other than to move,” the student said. Police concluded their search in the Murphy buildings having found no suspicious items. “Based on the information available, police are confident that any potential threat was localised to the Murphy building,” the Police stated. “Investigations into identifying the

person who made the threat will continue.” The threats came two days after a gun threat was leveled at the University of Otago via the social networking site 4chan, which saw Otago’s campus virtually empty the following day. Later that Wednesday, Massey University Palmerston North also saw parts of its campus evacuated after a note was received threatening staff in the contact centre. While the situation at both Victoria and Massey were resolved within the day, a police presence continued at Otago. Victoria Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford said the incidents were unrelated. Speaking on Wednesday, Guilford said “as a University we were very alert today, as were other universities, because of the incident in Otago… It is unlikely in my view that they are connected, other than the fact that they could all be copy-catting”.

“Even without anything eventuating from them, they undermine people’s sense that New Zealand tertiary education institutions are safe, welcoming, collegial spaces,” Riggs said. This is not the first threat received at Victoria. An anonymous bomb threat was made against the Easterfield building in March 2012, which saw some classes cancelled and police conduct an on-campus investigation. In the 2012 case, the threat was made via email to a generic university email account. A Central Communications Acting Inspector Bruce Mackay claimed at the time, “I’m not quite sure why you’d threaten the university… I really can’t understand the rationale of some people.”

Tertiary Education Union National Secretary Sharn Riggs claimed New Zealand universities “shouldn’t have to put up with an atmosphere of fear”.

editor@salient.org.nz

salient

News and Columns

GRADE CHANGES: THEY WEREN’T A-MAZING Nicola Braid

50%

Despite assurances from the University, the number of students receiving A grades has dropped since the introduction of its new grading system.

A range

In 2014 the University proposed amendments to the university’s grade policies to bring them in line with the rest of New Zealand. That is, an A is now the same percentage bracket at every university in New Zealand.

Fails

38 33.3

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2015

2014 32.2 28.3

26.4

30.2

32.2 26.5

30.2 25.4

25.4

23.4 22.1

Science

Law

Humanities

Engineering

Education

Commerce

22.7 20.5

16.5 15.2

11.1

14.5 11.6

8.1

Science

Law

Humanities

Engineering

Education

6.9

Architecture + Design

When Salient asked the University to explain both the drops in A grades since 2013 and the increase in Cs, Vice-Provost (Academic and Equity) Allison Kirkman said she was “comfortable that the revisions to the grading system have not had a significant overall impact”, but did not offer any real explanation or address the disparities.

2013 36.4

Architecture + Design

In August the University’s Academic Office circulated a memo to Academic Committee about the impact of the grade changes. Rather than address the changes in A and C range grades, the memo highlighted a series of irrelevant statistics, such as the proportion of B grades and overall pass rates—neither of which had been significantly affected by the changes.

2014

43.7

According to the Assistant Vice-Chancellor (Academic) at the time, Professor Peter Thirkell, “the intention is not to make it any harder for students to achieve a particular grade but to harmonise Victoria’s grading system with that of other universities”. However, Salient obtained statistics under the Official Information Act, which showed that A grades dropped across every discipline between 2013 and 2014, while the number of C range grades increased.

2013

2012

2011

C range

Commerce

With the grade changes, a C- became the lowest-possible grade for a pass (with a range of 50–54%). The cutoff for a A- rose from 75% to 80%, while the A+ range narrowed from 85–100% to 90–100%.

B range

News and Columns

issue 25

THE YEAR IN NEWS Nicola Braid

Another year has almost passed, and with it came an onslaught of puns, pooprelated news pieces and general “Fuck the Establishment” sentiment.

February Freshers at Vic started off the year listening to a semi-offensive comedian and ushered in the joke “how many Katharine Jermyn students can you fit into an elevator before it jams?”. VUWSA and the university had an argument over where smokers were going to have a durry break and Fifty Shades of Grey raised way too much at box office. The number 18 bus route wasn’t saved, but VUWSA got a new van. Parliament passed the Education Amendment Act, risking the place of staff and students on university councils around the country.

March March saw Drake come to New Zealand and the University Council was found to be full of white males—but it’s cool ‘cos Chancellor Neville Jordan said he “wasn’t hung up on gender”. The University of Canterbury’s Salient equivalent Canta was just awful, again, and published a shitrag article about virtual rape and, in the biggest milk-based scandal of the year, Vic Books admitted to using soy milk that wasn’t vegan.

April We had another ANZAC Day, but this time it was the 100th one so even if you wanted to escape the pageantry, you couldn’t. A pair of men were arrested in Te Aro and gave us our best headline of the year: “Fucked cunts apprehended”. David Hologram Seymour got into a fight with NZUSA, and New Zealanders got into a fight with their own conscience as they continued to go back to The Bachelor week-by-week.

May Sir Neville Jordan got sassy to the WCC about its education plan. People graduated

(including Kanye West), despite the Wellington weather literally “raining on their parade”. Law school’s rankings went up but the glass ceiling for female academics at Vic was found to be well and truly in place. May wasn’t great money-wise, the Budget seemed to fail everyone except STEM students and the Tories got into the British Government again (before all the pig stuff ).

June Vic tried to become the only university in the country to remove all democraticallyelected staff and student seats, and VUWSA tried to remove all the sunshine from the Hub. The Academic Board endorsed 180-pt Master’s programmes that everybody hated, leaving everyone with the impression that accountability within University Governance didn’t exist—or in the words of VUWSA President Rick Zwaan, “Vic’s fucked”.

July We had a mid year break and Vic welcomed back students with a tutorial system that didn’t work.

August Victoria was found to be contracting its laundry services to Arohata women’s prison (where inmates are paid between 20 and 60 cents per hour) and NZUSA found 40 per cent of students were suffering financial stress. The Government threatened to arrest student loan defaulters, again, and VUWSA presented its first balanced budget since Voluntary Student Membership was introduced. Stuff accused students of spending their allowances on Taylor Swift tickets and alcohol—but the joke’s on them, because none of us even get the allowance.

September September was a big month for VUWSA— Academic VP Jono Gee was elected as the association’s new President, while current President Rick Zwaan got a haircut. On the

topic of reigning leaders, Queen Elizabeth II became the longest ruling monarch, knocking out Queen Victoria, and the UN turned 70 years old. NZUSA broke all VUWSA’s election rules, and were rewarded when students voted for VUWSA to rejoin the national body via referendum. Meanwhile, the world took another few steps towards being not-racist with the Government’s decision to allow more Syrian refugees into New Zealand. It was a mixed month for the University though; while Vic’s QS rankings went up, women were still found to be underrepresented in the sciences—but at least we weren’t shooting pigs, SHOUT OUT OTAGO.

October The Gaza strip came to Vic, as the Australasian Union of Jewish Students hosted a talk from Israeli Defence Force soldiers, and Vic continued to force out philosophy lecturer Dr Jay Shaw. England got kicked out of its own Rugby World Cup in the pool stages and we somehow made it through 25 issues of Salient without talking about our “national game”.

Future predictions Former Salient news editor Chris McIntyre will take me to court for using his intellectual property in directly lifting this segment from 2013’s issue. New Zealanders will never settle on a flag, and we will end up with some sort of patchwork quilt Red Peak/Fonterra fern monstrosity. Salient staff continue to beg people for new jobs. We will continue to forget our keep cups and thus incur huge personal costs from Vic Books. Everyone will be gluten-free by 2018.

editor@salient.org.nz

News and Columns

TAIAHAHA, TAIAHAHA! Geneveine Wilson

Kāore i ārikarika ngā tini tutukinga ā Ngāi Tauira i tēnei tau. Heoi anō, ahakoa ngā painga, me he toka tū i te rere o te awa, he taupā hoki kua tō i te rere o ngā mahi mō te tau. Hei tīmatanga kōrero pea, ahakoa ngā piki me ngā heke, kua kino tonu te rere o ngā wai o te awa o Ngāi Tauira. At Ngāi Tauira, we live the life of squatters. Away from our tūrangawaewae we have taken residence at 42-44KP and Te Herenga Waka Marae; for some of us the level of

comfort has gone to the extreme. In your typical day at NT, you’ll find 50 containers, someone’s entire wardrobe, euka and jams for days, the cave (aka the nap desk), and some of your best friends (and if you’re lucky some intellectual conversation taking place sometime between 10pm and 3am). This year Ngāi Tauira has seen incredible growth. Active participation has nearly doubled as a result—high numbers of first years participated in Orientation Week, with activities ranging from pō whakangahau to an Amazing Race. It is safe to say that this year would not have been as successful as it was without our newest recruits. Ka nui ngā whakawhetai mō tō koutou tautoko. Ngā mi’i. 2015 was packed with successes (although it was always a stressful affair in the lead up). With the assistance of an awesome team, we were brought whānau days, pūrangiaho, kura reo, pō kiriata, Te Ao Mārama, the revival of the inaugural tautohetohe with Te Kawa a Māui and Te Herenga Waka Marae, a quiz night (ko au te toa—mihi ka tika ki a “Kuikuis me Hakaraia”), and Battle of the Tribes with our Pasifika cousins. Our 2K15 Te Huinga Tauira o Te Mana Ākonga campaign was built on the foundations set in

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our waiata “Ngā Pou o Ngāi Tauira”. On our haerenga, our values took centre stage as we returned from Ōtautahi with “Ngā Uaratanga o Te Huinga Tauira”, as Kapa Haka and netball winners, and more importantly with fond memories of our whanaunga, our fellow tauira Māori from across the motu. Tēnei te mihi ki ngā tauira ki tō koutou pukumahi i tēnei tau. Next year, will see “Te Whare o Te Kōmiti Whakahaere o Ngāi Tauira” come into fruition, born from our governance realignment—better suited to the needs of tauira Māori as designed by tauira Māori. From the 2015 Kōmiti Whakahaere to the incumbent Kōmiti Whakahaere—sleep while you can! Ki te Kōmiti Whakahaere, ki aku turupa mō te kaupapa nei—I tēnei tau tonu he nui ngā piki me ngā heke i runga i tā tātou nei haerenga. Ahakoa ngā ngaru nui, ngā ngaru pukepuke e hoe tonu ana te waka o Ngāi Tauira, ā, ko te tumanako ka tae ki uta. He mihi tēnei ki a tātou e manawa titi nei ki te kaupapa. Ki tōku hoa, Te Wehi, mei kore ake koe hei taituara mōku. Nei rā te mihi maioha kia koe i kaha whanake ki ngā kaupapa o Ngāi Tauira. Haere me te rangimarie!

The Week in Feminism

The Year in Bills Brittany Mackie-Ellice Some good, some bad, and some just plainly wrong, 2015 has been a big year for bills that have the potential to greatly affect women’s lives in New Zealand. Here’s a few of my favourites, for better or for worse: The New Zealand Justice Minister Amy Adams issued a government proposal that has the potential to better our country’s current domestic violence response laws. Titled “Strengthening New Zealand’s Legislative Response to Family Violence”, the paper was issued in August this year and has been deemed one of the most forward actions in 20 years to stem NZ’s domestic violence problem. The paper proposes many changes to the current law, but one in particular is

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that it will “empower police or an approved non-government organisation or iwi service provider to apply for a protection order on a victim’s behalf ”. This means that the police or organisations like Women’s Refuge can apply for protection orders when the victim is too afraid of a perpetrator to apply for an order herself. The paper also proposed that people could refer themselves or others for counselling and non-violence services at no cost. At the moment these services are only free if the person is in a court case or other approved circumstance. Young Labour put forward a really exciting proposal to ensure that there is access to hormone replacement therapy and gender reassignment surgery for trans people in New Zealand (and that it be publicly funded). This bill passed at two Labour regional party conferences. It was when it seemed that the party may need to vote on the policy that things started getting weird. Labour leader Andrew Little took the proposal as a personal attack on his own gender identity and used the subsequent media limelight to make sure we all knew that he is “quite happy

with his gender”. After all, a bill shouldn’t be considered unless it directly influences the party’s cis male leader, right? One of my favourite attempts to return New Zealand’s women’s rights to the Dark Ages came from National MP Chester Burrows in the form of a potential new bill that would mean no under-age person could obtain an abortion without parental consent. While in an ideal world a young woman facing this decision would have access to peers that she could talk to and voice her thoughts, this simply isn’t the reality for a lot of girls. I have said it before and I will continue to say it (predominantly to my unwaveringly conservative father)—forcing someone to carry a child to full term is physical, mental and emotional abuse. The only person who should be making decisions about your body is you. This has to be the year’s strangest attempt at policing women’s bodies and decisions. A similar change was (unsurprisingly) unsuccessfully sought in 2004.

issue 25

News and Columns

DEREGULATION DERAILED (OVER THE DITCH) Emma Hurley Australia’s new Turnbull Government has delayed plans to deregulate university feesetting, a move celebrated by the Australian National Union of Students (NUS). As part of a tertiary education bill introduced by the former Abbott Government, the policy sought to remove the capping of annual fee rises and let universities set their own fees. Australian Education Minister Simon Birmingham said the Government was “accepting reality” that the proposed reforms would not pass the Senate in their current form. He said tertiary education funding would remain unchanged for 2016 and “any future

reforms… would not commence until 2017 at the earliest.”

the face of organised, sustained community opposition”.

NUS President Rose Steele attributed the delaying of the policy to the success of a “two-year long campaign with students across Australia, the National Tertiary Education Union and the wider Australian community against these so-called reforms”.

McCourt said the Australian and New Zealand public “believe education should be everyone [sic], not just those whose parents can pay no matter the cost”.

NUS opposed the policy on the grounds that “deregulation would see students stuck with a lifetime of debt they have no chance of repaying. This will be particularly fraught for women students who are already disproportionately affected by debt”. NZUSA President Rory McCourt praised the campaign work of students, the NUS and NTEU. “An arrogant and head-strong government has been forced to reconsider in

Australian National Tertiary Education Union (NTEU) President Jeannie Rea said the move was a “delaying tactic” aimed at “taking the heat off Prime Minister Turnbull”. Former prime minister Tony Abbott condemned the Turnbull government’s decision. He was “disappointed” they were not committing to the deregulation policy, but sadly no one cares.

WE’RE REALLY SORRY THAT THE LAST WEEK OF NEWS IS SO DEPRESSING Jordan Gabolinscy In a shit week for work, New Zealand employment confidence has fallen to a three year low, and the gender pay gap has ballooned to 11.8 per cent. The most recent McDermott Miller Employment Confidence Index indicates that workers are becoming increasingly concerned about the state of the labour market (read: getting jobs and getting pay rises). According to Westpac Senior economist Satish Ranchod, “the number of workers expecting a pay increase over the coming year has fallen to its lowest level since 2004”. Statistics NZ claim that workers in NZ are concerned about their employment prospects and pointed out that job opportunities and wage increases in the coming year may be scarce, particularly for young people. According to the index, young workers (18– 29) were among the most concerned, along with those who earned less than $30,000 annually.

Students told Salient that the outlook after university was “unnerving” and “worrying”, but others saw opportunity to grow. “It certainly makes you reconsider if you should stay in NZ after graduating, or if you should look overseas for a better chance of employment,” said Auckland University student Jared Green. Victoria student Jack Dingle preferred to accept it as a challenge—“[the current situation] makes me even more determined to bring more to the table”. Gender gap increase In addition to diminishing employment prospects, the gender wage gap has also grown over the last year, making it the largest difference in pay between men and women in New Zealand since 2008. According to Statistics New Zealand’s latest income survey, “The gender pay gap has grown to 11.8%, up from 9.9% in 2014”. For men, the average hourly earnings rose by 4.6% to $24.07, while women’s hourly earnings rose by only 2.4% to $21.23.

Minister for Women Louise Upston stated publicly that “any gender pay gap is unacceptable” and claimed the increase proved “we still have work to do to ensure women are paid fairly for their skills”. Green Party spokesperson for social development Jan Logie blamed the pay gap on “National’s hands-off approach to gender equality”, which meant that “women are literally paying the price for National’s donothing approach”. When it came to the wage gap, some students said that they had “not seen or experienced it”, or admitted that they couldn’t “say for sure if there is a real difference”. Others, however, felt very strongly that “men still get paid more in general” and said that the difference in pay was “due to common misconceptions or unfair stigma”. According to the most recent projections from the Ministry of Education, men graduating in 2011 will pay off their loans in an average of 6.7 years’ time, whereas women will, on average, take a further six months.

editor@salient.org.nz

now. Or if you feel both handy and alty, you could “acquire” a couple of pallets and not make a coffee table out of them. What is far more practical is to leave them blocking the door for the whole fucking year (last issue, so we swore? Just trying to keep up with Sam).

A Guide to Second Year Spoiler alert: the best year of your life is almost over and it’s all downhill from here. Literally: your flat will probably be down in the inner sanctum of Aro Valley. So while you’re busy being robbed every other Tuesday, here are some words of advice for you, as we reflect on our second year at uni. Furniture has always been a vital part of any living quarter, and it will be for the first two weeks… until you give up on the quest to find something that resembles a table, and you can forget about having chairs right

salient

News and Columns

Many an optimistic horde of freshers have planned to have a roster, keep up with regular chores and live as one big happy “family”. Lol, you’d have a better chance of bringing back a moisty to Vic House. The phrase “it’s not my job” will become the flat motto even quicker than you get pissed off with Spark and Contact Energy. Whenever you actually do some housework, it feels like you are in I Am Legend and it is solely your duty to clean up after the human race has fucked off (that’s two). We found this out the hard way, but dinner doesn’t just appear from five until seven like it has done all year in your hall. You actually have to make it, with your oven that will turn into a time-machine before it actually gets hot enough to produce cooked food. You will begin to avoid the supermarket more than your INFO101 lectures. Because you have no money, New World Metro are complete bandits, and once there you are

faced with more decisions to make than choosing your major after you drop out of Law. It’s not all bad. On that one day a year when Wellington sees the sun, you can dangle your small calves out of your window and have a cold one. Tune. Don’t get depressed in the winter. Remember that even though you are forking out a trip to Aussie every two weeks to live somewhere you hate, it’s just a flat and it’s not forever. Ruthless flat parties make up for all of the little annoyances you will have to face throughout the year, and hey it could be worse… you could still be living in Vic House! It’s been a blast sacrificing our future employment prospects in order to get a cheap laugh out of you. MVP goes to Vic House for taking our love so well. Boats and Hoes, Tom and Luke—your resident Dude Bros. P.S Are McChesney and McSweeney the same person?

We Drank This So You Wouldn’t Have To Lydia and Mitch

2015: We Drank This and You Can Too! Cost: 10 months of our lives Alcohol volume: Too, too much Pairing: Unrelated and incoherent political rants 1/2 Verdict: “Slightly less than 100% regret.” www.salient.org.nz

For a whole year we wrote columns recommending booze for you to not drink. We saved you from making poor decisions (though some were outside our control) and regaled you with truly hilarious anecdotes of our own failings as humans. We provided you with light relief during that bad PHIL paper your friend lied to you about and hopefully gave you equally deep insights about life and mansplaining. In planning this, our final column, we considered collecting all the drinks from the year and mixing them together à la Four Kings. But that’s a dumb idea and we don’t want to poison ourselves so instead, we decided to sign off our last column with some things we’ve have learned over the last 10 months. If you have learned anything from both our ramblings and 2015 in general, it should be that free speech has its limits and this column should be one. At the outset, we really genuinely thought that we might

discover an untapped world of boozey goodness that we could share with the student populace accompanied by comedic bangers. The end result was probably closer to an exercise in self-abasement and borderline defamation, but at least we managed to spread the gospel of Wild Buck (thanks, Harry). This column provided us with a respite from the drag of tertiary study and taught us some valuable lessons about our friendship and our livers. We found that colleagues are most of the time really polite when you’re hungover at work and that consuming booze by a goon-sized serving is never as clever as you think it is. While the rest of the world changed around us, the two mooring posts in the stormy harbour of 2015 have been Fat Bird and our amateur, and unsolicited, political punditry. Here’s to assignment extensions, super jugs and ennui. Drink up, cunts.

issue 25

News and Columns

“NO EVIDENCE” THAT A UNIVERSITY DEGREE IS ACTUALLY HELPFUL Beckie Wilson An announcement from major firms has raised questions over the value to employers of university degrees. In the UK, leading employers Ernst & Young (EY) and PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) are removing a degree classification from their entry criteria on the basis that there was “no evidence” that success at university guarantees success later in life ( Jesus). According to EY’s UK Managing Partner for Talent Maggie Stilwell, “our own internal research of over 400 graduates found that screening students based on academic performance alone was too blunt an approach to recruitment… it found no evidence to conclude that previous success in higher education correlated with the future success”. PwC Australia has also removed candidates’ academic results as a measure for law graduate recruitment according to the Sydney Morning Herald. While PwC New Zealand has yet to make similar announcements, PwC Partner

and business advisor Scott Mitchell did acknowledge back in June that due to a skills gap, “new places, geographies and new pools of talent must be looked at—organisations can’t afford to recruit people as they’ve always done”. New Zealand recruitment company AbsoluteIT director Grant Burley also told The New Zealand Herald that employers should consider measures other than university degrees. “Take the research these large organisations have done and know that some of the most successful, innovative and motivated thinkers might not have thrived in a traditional learning situation, but they could in [a company’s] work environment,” Burley said. Around 4000 students in New Zealand graduate with a research degree every year. The announcement from EY and PwC follows research from Universities New Zealand into the top 25 jobs secured by 650,000 graduates aged 29–38, which found that 90 per cent of graduates in New Zealand end up working in a job related to their degree.

Universities NZ Chief executive Chris Whelan said that only 2 per cent of arts graduates ended up unemployed, while people with BA or BSc degrees in traditional subjects such as math, physics, English, chemistry, biology and history mainly ended up as secondary school teachers. “A lot of people perceive many with arts degrees will end up working in service jobs but that is not the case,” Whelan said. Jayne Ruiter, a soon to be psychology graduate, told Salient that “the fact that we aren’t actually taught how to utilise our degree or what we can get out of it postgraduation” might be the most significant factor hindering students’ transitions from university into employment. “It’s not only a qualification but the experience which shapes you as a person and introduces you to a world of opportunities that you may not have been exposed to without the university studies,” Ruiter said.

VICTORIA: GUARANTEEING 90% SATISFACTION SINCE 1897 “[New Zealand] is a really cool place for study! It’s quiet yet lively here,” Indonesian student Joey Zahary Ginting said. “People here are friendly and helpful, you get in touch with nature—which I believe could reduce the amount of stress.”

In the latest year, student visas rose by 6400 to 26,800, with 10,600 students arriving from India alone. International fee-paying students contribute $1 billion to the New Zealand economy annually, making tertiary education our fifth-largest export earner. Some numbers and stuff

The survey questioned 6188 students from all eight New Zealand universities.

However, international students were also concerned about fees. International students studying law pay $29,610 per year and those studying sciences pay $28,173.

Universities New Zealand CEO Chris Whelan praised the results, which also showed that 93% of international students chose to study in New Zealand due to the reputation of our universities.

Additionally, the ISB results that showed only 53 per cent of students surveyed were satisfied with their opportunity to earn while studying, and 55 per cent were satisfied with the availability of financial support.

When asked, a variety of international students at Vic agreed with the survey’s findings.

Despite this, four out of five participants would still recommend the institution they attended to other students.

Alexa Zelensky Results from an International Student Barometer (ISB) survey commissioned by Education New Zealand show that 90% of international students are satisfied with the tertiary education they’re receiving.

87% of international students were satisfied with their overall learning experience. 54% were satisfied with the cost of accommodation. 46% planned to stay in New Zealand.

editor@salient.org.nz

salient

News and Columns

Ask Agatha

Hey Agatha, My neighbours on my floor are obsessed with Beyoncé. I have had it up to fucking here with “Halo”, “Drunk in Love” and “Single Ladies”. All they do when we drink together is set up their laptop to play YouTube music videos and dance in front it like Regina George’s little sister in Mean Girls. Why can’t we jam to some other music? Why do we have to practice that STUPID single ladies dance every Saturday night? What can I do to figuratively cattle prod them out of this behaviour? Beyoncé Basher

basic bitch will always turn on those who are anti-yoncé at the first sign of trouble. If you and your friends were all in a lifeboat that was over crowded, they would push you over the edge and hold your head under water while chanting “surfbort”.

a frigging coffee. What do you think about this guy?

So you should really just take control of the situation yourself and tip your friends’ Park Lanes over their Macbook Pros to drown their basic bitch anthems.

So some guys wear fedoras on the outside and are easy to spot on the bus spreading their legs out over two seats. Other guys wear their fedoras on the inside, they have a fed-aura. These are the guys that walk the street looking like perfectly normal human beings and maybe even have interesting jobs or play an exotic sport. Yet they can still act like some sort of internet troll when you don’t worship them like a god for opening a fucking door for you.

They hate you already on some level, so just do it. Agatha.

Hi Agatha,

Hi there BB, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’re anti-Beyoncé, you’re basically a terrorist. So I mean you may as well roll with being the villain of the group. The modern

There’s this guy I like and he seems to be really cool on the outside, like he knows how to dress and we have some really great shared interests, but he is low key misogynistic. Also I feel like he is expecting sex in return for like buying me

Confused Consuela. Hey CC,

I think you should just run for the hills. You can’t help someone with a fed-aura, it’s a terminal illness where they have to live with chronic wanker-dom. Ditch. You’ll thank me later. Agatha

Bridget Bones’ Diary Going out with a bang: your guide to female ejaculation There’s some weird pornstar-esque desires surrounding female ejaculation (squirting). It’s like the stuff of dreams: I’m pretty sure it’s on everyone’s to-do list to make a girl squirt (even if you’re making yourself squirt). It’s one of those things that seems somewhat impossible. The internet is filled with 1000 techniques to make her cum, from drinking a litre of water before fingering her, to having her lie in a certain position for maximum effect. Essentially, the world of female ejaculation is ripe with mystery. How do you do it? Why can some girls squirt and others can’t? AND www.salient.org.nz

FOR GOD’S SAKE IS IT PEE OR NOT?! Despite the time and effort it takes to make someone squirt, it’s fucking worth it. Have you ever seen a girl after it’s happened? It’s like she’s drunk/stoned/surrounded by puppies/shopping all at once. So ladies and gentleman, I present to you, Bridget Bones’ guide to female ejaculation: 1.

Learn where the G-spot is: That’s where all the action takes place. You’ve got focus on that bad boy for anything to happen. Turn her on: For most women, they need to be hella horny before they can squirt. I suggest learning a Magic Mike routine for maximum effect, but if you can’t quite swing that, some foreplay should start to do the trick. The “come here” technique: Using your fingers, gently rub your girls g-spot

4. 5. 6.

in a come-here motion, like you’re on the d-floor at Hope Bros (RIP), except you’re in a vagina. Easy. Ladies: Relax. It’s gonna feel like you need to pee. You’re not. It’s a good thing, so roll with it. Experiment. Use a toy, watch some porn, whatever works for you. Enjoy the experience! Get a towel: Ladies can ejaculate up to a quarter of a cup of fluid while squirting, so it’s a good idea to keep a towel handy. It’s not pee, so don’t freak out. She gets the same feeling when you cum all over the sheets, so be respectful.

Of course, there’s probably a million more things to say, but that’s the general gist of it. Learning to squirt can be time consuming, but I promise it’s worth it for both of you. As always, stay safe, and enjoy your summer break. Don’t get too frisky ;) xxx

YOUR STUDENTS ’

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SCHOOL’S OUT AN END OF LECTURES PARTY

FT. ESTÈRE + GUESTS FREE ADMISSION THE HUNTER LOUNGE 16TH OCTOBER 4.00PM - 8.00PM

Something about mince Dear Salient,

Letter of the Week:

Drenched in the blood of the workers, Salient is establishment again. Dear Salient, The title of your most recent issue (‘(Fuck) The Establishment’) was, as I am told the youth put it, ‘edgy’. So edgy in fact, that I cut myself upon opening the first page and lost a perfectly functional thumb. In my frantic attempts to reattach the digit, I bleed profusely over my magazine, which rendered it unreadable. I have come to the conclusion that this publication is ‘2edgy4me’ and may have to abstain from reading Salient until it’s ‘edginess’ has returned to acceptable levels. Tom Thumb Letter of the Week receives two coffee vouchers and a $10 book voucher from Vic books.

“Column”? We were going for “News”. Sigh. To the editor, After reading Nicola Braid’s news column this week I cannot help but feel lost and dismayed at the direction of university education nowadays, competing in the business world. I guess it doesn’t help that I just picked up ‘Degrees for Everyone’ by Bob Jones, however, the issue of fee rises versus quality of education are highly pertinent to my feelings towards my own education and what I’m paying for. I am currently taking two papers in which I am not learning much or being challenged (along with many classmates) and I feel lost as to how I am to take action on this (I just want to protest really). Yours, Hopelessly Helpless

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salient

News and Columns

I was delighted to open this week’s Salient issue and see a write up about the mysterious Ian Curtis memorial. I too have walked past this wall on the way to buy my weekly mince and questioned it’s existence. I was somewhat disappointed that four pages of reading raised more questions than it answered but the wild ride I was taken on was well worth it! Thanks for bringing meaning to some “shitty corporate art” and providing me with a narrative I can now think of as I walk hungrily toward Countdown. Keep up the good work! From a fellow mince enthusiast.

So long and thanks for all the fish, And by fish I suppose I mean experiences, and by experiences I mean the long hours, high stress, boring lectures, and constant assignments. Honestly, I feel a bit underwhelmed to be finishing up my time as a student. I hope my time at uni has been useful. I’ve complained way more than I should have, and looking back it hasn’t actually been that bad. The four years have gone fast [oh conjoint degrees]. I know I have grown, though, in resilience and taking responsibility for my own learning. I’d hate to fit into the cliché of discovering yourself at uni, but I have learnt a lot about me these last few years and made some changes I’m happy with. Oh well, it’s almost over now, I’m outa here. Looking forward to free evenings and weekends, and being able to pay for heating. From, soon to be ex-student

Careers and Employment Looking for a summer internship/ graduate job? Currently recruiting: Graduate jobs - Government

Communications Security Bureau (GCSB), Staples Rodway, Kakapo Technologies, IMC Financial Markets, Fast Enterprises, Accenture… Internships – Wellington Rover Tours, ACC, AIESEC, Wairoa District Council, Palantir Technologies… and many more. See recruitment schedule for details: bit. ly/1zGNacY Meet the employer on campus! Mindkin recruitment presentation (ICT) – Wed 14 Oct, 5.10pm, AM 102 (Kelburn Campus) Check in with a Careers Consultant during our daily drop-in sessions! bit. ly/1A1ORgv Get help with your CV, Cover Letter, Interview skills etc. For more info, login to www.victoria. ac.nz/careerhub with your Student Computing login!

Victoria Rescue Victoria Rescue is the University’s own Search and Rescue squad, made up of students, staff and alumni. Training takes place Mondays from 5.30pm7.30pm, with team members working towards recognized Search and Rescue qualifications. Training includes First Aid, reconnaissance, extracting and moving casualties, using radios and generators and searching rubble piles. To see video footage of the team lowering a casualty, check out the big screen in the Hub during ShakeOut Open Day, 10am-2pm Thursday 15th. If you would like more information or are interested in joining, please have a chat to them at ShakeOut Open Day and email safety@vuw.ac.nz.

PolSoc VUW Politics Society is holding end of term student drinks at Hotel Bristol on Friday 16th October. The event provides a great opportunity to meet other students interested in politics and to find out about the Society’s structure and plans for next year. Confirmed guests include Green Party Co-Leader James Shaw. So come on down to Hotel Bristol from 5:30pm for brews, yarns and discussion! Further Details: http://www. vuwpolsoc.com/events-1/ RSVP on FB: https://www.facebook. com/events/403066739888070/ For Queries: Contact@vuwpolsoc.com

News and Columns

THAT M A ES I R

ER TT

STO

issue 25

Dedicated to the Queen of Pop Visionary Rob Surette recently won the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! Unbelievable RipCyle Art Contest (um, what?) with his 17,625-gumball tribute to Taylor Swift. Surette won $2,000 cash for his hand-placed gumball-on-canvas work just ahead of a scrap metal sculpture made of engine parts and a painting of boxers done with slippers.

Life’s a Gas

Jesus

In what can only be seen as a real Jerry Gergich move (Parks and Recreation if you’re confused by the reference already), a Pennsylvania man in suing his former workplace after he was reportedly fired for “farting too much” at work. 70-year-old Richard Clem, who worked for a meat wholesaler Cake Pork Roll in New Jersey, suffered “extreme gas and uncontrollable diarrhea” after receiving gastric bypass surgery in 2010. Poor Rich was told “we cannot run an office and have visitors with the odour”.

A textbook published in Texas by McGraw-Hill Education made a massive historical faux pas by describing the Atlantic Slave Trade as bringing “millions of workers” to the United States. The mere fact that was still dubbed the Atlantic Slave Trade should have hinted at the somewhat, shall we say, problematic, characterisation of African slaves as free, hardworking immigrants that just happened to cross the Atlantic. The publisher has recently announced that it will change the caption, thank fuck.

For Mom and Country

Cinderella gon’ got her ride jumped

Danish travel firm Spies has released an ad campaign dubbed “Do it for Mum”, aimed at encouraging parents to send their adult children on sex vacations. The ad takes its lead from falling birth rates in Denmark and acknowledges that “while it might be a bit awkward to help out” your children’s sexual encounters, “those who suffer the most are perhaps the mothers who will never experience having a grandchild”. Apparently lots of Danish babies are made abroad, and the ad promises “send your child on an active holiday and get a grandchild within nine months”.

A 45kg pumpkin that was stolen from a family in South Dakota has finally been returned after the thief apparently tried, and failed, to turn it into a mammoth Jack O’Lantern. Much like a human, the squash required 75 litres of water and 3 and a half litres of milk “for calcium” per week. The pumpkin’s original owner, Matthew Murraine, claimed he was “a little overwhelmed” by the national attention the theft of his prized vegetable received—but was happy to be able to donate the Cucurbita pepo to a four-person family.

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salient

Salient’s

New Zealander of the Year The New Zealander of the Year Awards have been an annual fixture in Salient since just now. Who will win this most prestigious of gongs? (Lima Sopoaga.) Does anybody even care? (Probably not.) Why is this even here? (We had three pages to fill.) Read on to find out! Flag of the Year

Fire the Lazar Sorry, Te Pepe. Sorry, Hypnoflag. Sorry, dumb plate logo thing. There’s only flag that truly captured New Zealand’s imagination this year. And that flag is Fire the Lazar.

Evil Corporation of the Year

Mediaworks Where to start with fucking MediaWorks? The John Campbell-firing, Jay-Jay-andDom-employing, Paul-Henry-smug-grin vehicle has had, by anyone’s estimation (save that of a raving misogynist), a profoundly evil year. In 2015, across each of its million or so platforms, our answer to Fox News served up a festering, lumpy stew of sexism that was devoured by a depressing number of New Zealanders, only to be violently sprayed out the other end onto Stuff ’s comment boards. Yet the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn’t exist. If MediaWorks has a flaw, it’s that they’re just so overtly awful that we couldn’t help but notice. In hindsight, cancelling Campbell Live wasn’t evil so much as it was breathtakingly stupid—there would have been less backlash had they cancelled the www.salient.org.nz

news. Meanwhile, MediaWorks’ radio arm needs only add Cameron Slater to become a complete rogue’s gallery of New Zealand’s most loathsome public commentators. But The Bachelor—did we all forget we were meant to be hate-watching? Every time Mike Puru slurred the word “ladies” we got just a bit more desensitised, every time Art complained about his “hard choices” our rage got just a little blunter. Thankfully, MediaWorks was there to snap us back to reality—in July they gave us Crotchgate, in August The Cucumber Number and, in case we hadn’t got the point yet, in September we got (for lack of a better term) RankHoGate. Please, Hillary, get out while you still have a soul.

Opening up the flag referendum to public submissions was simultaneously one of the dumbest and most brilliant things the National government could have done. How else could we have awoken to the notion that our national identity is best captured by a crude stick figure riding a bicycle? Or by a pentagram on a pastel background? Or, for that matter, by a kiwi shooting lasers (or rather, “lazars”) from its eyes? Unlike other joke flags such as Eggsplosion or Red Peak, Fire the Lazar was popular because as well as being funny, it was relevant to New Zealand. The laser beam, for instance, has been an important New Zealand icon ever since Bruce Laser invented it in his shed in Hauraki, and it has gone on to adorn the logos of iconic New Zealand brands like Stuff and NZ Van Lines. Unfortunately, a groundswell of opinion against any flag that “looks too much like a logo” has meant that no laserbased design made the final five.

Features

issue 25

Politician of the Year

Rory McCourt McCourt began the year with VUWSA McCourt began the year with VUWSA and OUSA heading out the door and threatening to withhold their levies. He ends it with VUWSA back in the tent, OUSA likely to follow, and NZUSA’s half-million or so in revenue safe, for now. And all without running a single campaign! The turnaround is down in no small part to McCourt’s ceaseless politicking—a furious wave of soundbites, idealism and veiled threats, which veered toward self-parody (AGM, anyone?) but eventually saw an exasperated Rick Zwaan call a referendum.

company, the Labour Party—something that could come back to bite in the future. At the start of the year McCourt suspended his Labour Party membership to maintain the illusion of distance, but the two organisations have never looked closer. For his next trick, McCourt will use legal threats to extort money from the dirt-poor Waikato Students’ Union, who clearly haven’t been members of NZUSA since 2013 (but NZUSA disagrees, so that’ll be $60,000 thanks).

Yet in the process McCourt relied on a big strategic hand from NZUSA’s parent

Journalist of the Year

Alex Casey Otherwise known (or at least, she should be) as The Critic and Conscience of Reality TV, Alex Casey began the year as a staff writer for The Spinoff, at the time an exclusively television-focused website. Throughout 2015 her columns— particularly her powerful defence, in July, of Chrystal Chenery—hugely increased the site’s profile. Last month The Spinoff relaunched with a wider ambit, a who’s who of staff writers, and Casey in a new role as Television Editor.

During those weird few weeks where The Bachelor stumbled onto our screens, “made a connection” and then left us bereft, Casey’s weekly power rankings were arguably more fun than the show itself. Since then she’s emerged as the country’s most eloquent critic of entertainment industry sexism (see above). “I’ve been faced with the reality of our reality TV,” Casey wrote, “and it’s uglier than a rogue koala poop in an unsuspecting navel.”

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Features

salient

New Zealander of the Year

Lima Sopoaga

It wasn’t easy selecting Salient’s New Zealander of the Year. Rick Zwaan? Max Key? Mike Hosking? Some other white male with an aggressively marketed face? We were getting desperate. Fuck, what even happened this year? I don’t know, things?!? Should we just make someone up and hope you wouldn’t notice?* Let’s face it: 2015 wasn’t a great year for tertiary education. With students distracted by basic, long-neglected welfare concerns— increasing costs of living, the loan and allowances freeze, mental health, debt— issues of academic quality fell through the cracks. Honours is a dying breed; Master’s courses continue to be diluted; the humanities are under attack; and New Zealand universities, for the most part, continue their inexorable slide down the global rankings. In 1947, a student president was forced to resign after giving a speech to first-years, in which he noted that “two activities always flourish when the light of the intellect is fading. One is rugby football and the other is religion.” It turns out he was half-right. Religiosity in New Zealand continues— *This was actually our preferred option for a significant amount of time. It’s almost as though New Zealand has nobody of note. www.salient.org.nz

glacially—to decline. But rugby? Rugby is everywhere. Rugby is life. The Prime Minister thinks we should have a rugby flag. Stuff ran “Richie McCaw ad goes viral” as its lead news item. We are having our quadrennial arguments about the haka. Chris Rattue somehow has a paid writing gig. Let’s get something straight: rugby is a silly game. In an 80-minute match, there are an average 44 minutes of stoppages. In other words, 55 per cent of a rugby match is people milling around scratching their balls. Don’t get us wrong; rugby is still much better than its bogan cousin, league. But come on, people—there’s a reason this game hasn’t caught on. Yet rugby endures. When people say things like “Lima Sopoaga should go whitebaiting”, and most of the country understands the joke and doesn’t immediately assume it to be some kind of confusing racial slur, that says something about New Zealand’s collective psyche. We’re not sure exactly what it says, but we’re pretty sure it’s something. Right? And so, circuitously, our quest for New Zealander of the Year led to the only possible conclusion. Lima Sopoaga is a rugby player from Wellington, who this year rugbied in the Presbyterian depths of

Southland. He rugbied very well, and was invited to rugby for the All Blacks, where he continued to rugby well. Unfortunately, the goodness of his rugbying was insufficient to earn him a place in our rugby team for the World Cup. (We don’t know if you’ve heard, but there is a world cup going on.) But Lima Sopoaga is more than just New Zealand’s fourth-best first five-eighths (yes, math students, those are actual rugby words). He’s a symbol for our nation of nearly-wo/men, the poster child for our parallel-universe-world-beaters, Schrödinger’s most heroic rugbying cat. When the All Blacks lose to France; or, failing that, South Africa; or, failing that, Australia, expect Sopoaga to be instantly knighted. Also, he seems like a pretty nice guy.

Features

APPLY NOW TO STUDY AT VICTORIA IN TRIMESTER THREE Apply online before 1 November victoria.ac.nz

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issue 25

Salient 2015 in numbers:

9264

Reams of Paper

25 Issues

859 Articles

94,500 Copies of Salient

1224 0 Pages

Press Council Complaints

158

Contributors

321

Uses of the word

“fuck”

377,660 Hits on salient.org.nz Salient 2015 was:

Abraham Hollingsworth, Alexa Weatherall, Alexa Zelensky, Alice Reid, Allandria Puna, Ania Upstill, Anonymous, Anthony Wanakore, Antony Fraser, Arthur Hole, Auntie Agatha, Baz Macdonald, Beckie Wilson, Benjamin Dunn, Bethany Tiddy, Bonnie Wroe, Bridget Bones, Bridget Pyć, Brigid Quirke, Brittany Mackie, Brittany Mackie-Ellice, Brontë Ammundsen, Cam Price, Cameron Gray, Cassie Ransom, Cassie Richards, Cathy Stephenson, Cavaan Wild, Charlie Prout, Charlotte Cudmore, Charlotte Doyle, Charlotte Hann, Chennoah Walford, Chris McDowall, Chrissy Brown, Dan Fraser, David Quintern, Elea Yule, Elijah Pue, Elizabeth Kim, Ella Bates-Hermans, Ellen Humphries, Ellen O’Dwyer-Cunliffe, Emma Hurley, Ethan Grigg, Evan Rogers, Fairooz Samy, Field Skjellerup, Francesca Shepard, Geneveine Wilson, George Block, Gerard Hoffman, Gus Mitchell, Gussie Larkin, Hamish Clark, Hamish Popplestone, Harold Coutts, Harpreet Singh, Harriet Riley, Harry Evans, Hinemaia Takurua, Hollie Pohatu, Jacinta Gulashekharam, Jack Young, James Keane, Jamie Yeates, Jayne Mulligan, Jen Smith, Jess Hill, Jess Knipping, Jess Lim, Jess Scott, Joe Cruden, Joe Levy, Jonathan Gee, Jonathan Hobman, Jordan Gabolinscy, Josh Beck, Josh Ellery, Josie Cochrane, Kahu Kutia, Kari Schmidt, Karli Richard, Kate Dowdle, Kate Robertson, Kayla Ngaia Polamalu, Kelly Moen, Kimaya McIntosh, Kuratapirirangi Higgins, Laura Duffy, Laura Munro, Lily Paris West, Livné Ore, Louise Rutledge, Lucy Wardle, Lydia and Mitch, Lyndy McIntyre, Mackenzie Sykes, Madeleine Ashton-Martyn, Maia Te Koha, Marama Fox, Matt Walker, Melina Genu, Mikaia Leach, Mike Ross, Miro Bond, Mitchell Siermans, Mr Susan, Nathaniel Manning, Nick Conn, Nick Devos, Nicola Braid, Olivia Etherington, Ollie Neas, Patrick Savill, Petera Hakiwai, Philip McSweeney, Philosophy Girl, Phiona Baskett, Puck, Raimona Tapiata, Renée Gerlich, Rhys Williams, Rick Zwaan, Robert Barratt, Rongomai Smith, Rory Lenihan-Ikin, Rory McNamara, Rose Perfect, Ruby Joy Eade, Ruth Corkill, Sam McChesney, Sarah Dillon, Sarah Marshall, Sharon Lam, Sophie Boot, Stella Blake-Kelly, Stephen Hay, Tayla Cook, Taylor Wanakore, Te Aka Hamilton-Katene, Te Aroha Huirua Noti Teepa, Te Kaurinui Parata, Te Owaimutu Crawford, Te Po Hawaikirangi, Te Wehi Wright, Ted Greensmith, The Bush, Thomas Minnee, Tim Grgec, Tim Manktelow, Toby Cooper, Tom and Luke, Tyson Hullena, Ur mum, Vincent Olsen-Reeder, Wilbur Townsend, William Blackler, Yvette Velvin, Zoe Russell. editor@salient.org.nz

Features

The Jet Plane, the Typewriter and the Art Dealer Charlotte Doyle

Features

Photos by Russ Klyne

issue 25

Above the highly convenient liquor store on Cuba Street sits one of the oldest and most influential art dealer galleries in New Zealand. The only hint of its presence from the street is the word GALLERY next to a classy advert for Woodstock. Even though I’ve dragged many friends up the winding stairs on various artistic missions (sometimes to try convert the cynical), when I visited the Peter McLeavey Gallery only a few weeks ago I still went up one flight of stairs too many and struggled to find the doorway. This cryptic location is just the beginning of the magic. The first time I ever met Peter McLeavey, my mum had led a 16-year-old me up the stairs to see a Richard Killeen exhibition. Peter was sitting in a wooden chair with white hair, red glasses and a great hat, and chatted to us about the artist’s new venture into digital production of art. I distinctly remember feeling like a fully included member of the conversation, not brushed off as my mother’s sidekick. With an awardwinning biography and documentary in his name, Peter McLeavey is one of the most renowned contributors to New Zealand’s art scene. I was there to have a chat to his

daughter Olivia McLeavey, who has been running the gallery since 2011 when Peter moved into semi-retirement. “You would have experienced him in his prime,” Olivia tells me. When I first arrived, Olivia was explaining the presence of a white jet plane embedded in the old white mouldings of the ceiling to a pair of foreign visitors—“we always actually have a two person show, you see Brendon Wilkinson [NZ artist] stuck it on with superglue and we’ve never got it down.” The industrial plane is a subtle quirk in the otherwise understated and whitewashed rooms. I’d never noticed it before but wasn’t surprised. The gallery is exactly this mix of the unconventional and traditional. Olivia tells me the only modification to the gallery since Peter bought the space in 1968 is some new carpet with a slightly different pattern (which apparently only happened after a significant amount of persuasion on her part). Even the single green chaise couch under the window has been there from the very beginning. Considering the gallery has run over 500 exhibitions in 50 years, this is impressive. I comment on

how light the space is, even though it’s so overcast. Through the high windows, an impressive amount of natural light floods the two rooms. Apparently even on a raging Saturday night, with students scoping out BYO wine directly below, the gallery’s peace remains undisturbed. We had just set ourselves up on some wooden chairs when a man walked in saying he’d seen an ad in the Dominion Post. “Everything is for sale,” Olivia tells him. “If you see it, it’s for sale.” He asks about the Robin White works that line the walls around us, and Olivia tells their stories. An early print leaning against the wall was once borrowed off Peter for the set of Close to Home (a child of the 90s, this was a bit lost on me, but apparently the show was the precursor to Shortland Street). “When we talk about the work, we tell the story,” Olivia says—the story of the artist, the work’s subject matter and its history. This print features an elderly woman in front of rolling hills in Dunedin. The man and Olivia agree that she looks proud and thoughtful. After he’s left, we talk about the constant stream of people walking through the door.

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“You never know who is going to come into the gallery,” Olivia says. From celebrities to politicians to locals off Cuba Street, the gallery’s visitors are always diverse and often unexpected. She casually drops Cate Blanchett’s name. Frequently it’s “big shots” from Auckland scoping out art to make money. The gallery, however, refuses to sell works to people with these intentions because they want the art to go to good homes (“you get so over the fat cat clients”). It’s refreshing and reassuring to hear. Peter first started trading art from his flat on the Terrace in 1966, when the “art market” didn’t really exist. Upon returning to Wellington from overseas, where his exposure to Europe had engendered a new enthusiasm for fostering New Zealand culture, Peter struck up a friendship with artists Toss Woollaston and Colin McCahon after expressing interest in selling their paintings. Olivia recounts a story about a recent visit by a long-standing client who told her about the first time he bought a work from Peter. “He was 21 and his prospective father-in-law saw an ad in the paper for Dad selling Colin McCahon on the Terrace. They turn up and Dad pulls the McCahons out from under his bed and starts showing them to these guys… the 21-year-old is now 65 and still a client and did mention the other day that it was perhaps not the best practice.” The paintings www.salient.org.nz

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were avant garde and strange at the time, when the simplicity of McCahon’s style didn’t match the way art was valued. But then, Peter’s success rests significantly on an eye for talent and originality, even at times when they may not have matched New Zealand’s general vibe. A couple wander in both wearing fantastic hats and holding a map of the “Cuba Art Quarter”, which features the locations of small galleries in the area. They tell us about how they travel around New Zealand every year as part of an art group and had visited the gallery before, “when Peter was here”. We talk about Bill Hammond’s work on the wall behind me. It’s painted in green paint directly onto linen. Olivia recalls asking Bill if it was difficult; once you make a mistake there’s no going back. He explained that having done nothing but paint for a living since the age of seven, it isn’t so much of a problem for him. Just before they leave, Olivia points to the Robin White print and asks “Do you know the show Close to Home?” The woman describes her as looking tired. There’s a typewriter on the dresser. “That typewriter is a core part of this business,” Olivia told me as she pulled out a piece of green metallic flimsy papery-stuff from the dresser. I had seen carbon copy maybe twice in my lifetime and stared at it

blankly. Olivia stuck a piece of official Peter McLeavey Gallery paper and carbon copy in the typewriter then typed up my name and address. “What’s your favourite New Zealand artist?” That’s a hard question, I like a lot of them. “Let’s go with Yvonne Todd, since she’s showing here… so say you buy… for $25,000 [someday….]” She reassures me the lack of a signature or bank details means I won’t suddenly find my bank account depleted. I crack a lame, wistful joke about my student loan. The piece of paper is now taped up on my bedroom wall, kind of like a hopeful artwork in itself. Apparently when Peter would make a mistake on these invoices, such as typing your name wrong, instead of redoing the letter “like most professionals” he’d just get out a green fountain pen, scratch out the mistake and rewrite it so you’d end up with an invoice covered in green handwritten notes. Peter has Parkinson’s Disease, and one of the hardest consequences is the effect it has on his ability to write and talk to clients. The day before my visit, someone had dropped in a collection of photographs taken on Cuba Street in the 80s. There’s a photo of Peter at the opening for a leather boutique with his eyes half-closed talking to a biker dude. “So there’s all these guys in leather and Dad turns up in a tuxedo looking like Andy Warhol,” Olivia says. She shows me handwritten letters to clients from two years ago and the beautiful exhibition registers, still carefully inked in red books in blue and black pen. With no formal art history or curatorial training, Peter is first and foremost a salesman. Many of the processes and systems still used by the gallery stemmed from Peter’s experience as an auditor in banking and insurance, before he jumped ship and sailed to Europe. Many of the artists have had long-term core relationships with McLeavey, such as Richard Killeen since the 80s and Bill Hammond from the 70s. Yet Olivia

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clientèle was a very different batch to that of Cuba Street. When Peter offered her the management position for his gallery again, the timing finally felt right and she accepted—“it’s after all my flesh and blood, I couldn’t not do it”. As a teenager she would serve cask wine to smoking guests. Now she creates the atmosphere in the room. She describes the luxury of talking about art all day with people who actually want to hear your ideas and opinions.

recognises the importance of keeping an eye out for talent in the next generation and to support the projects of younger emerging artists. She describes it as a great freedom to be able to “follow people” and support original and innovative work. A diptych by Yvonne Todd, a contemporary photographer who had a retrospective at City Gallery last year, is currently dominating the wall opposite the entrance. Four days after Todd won the Walters Prize, the most competitive contemporary art prize in New Zealand, she had her first show at the McLeavey gallery. “Dad has always had an uncanny knack for timing,” Olivia says. “Needless to say he sold the show out.”

As the new leader of the gallery, Olivia’s mission is to respectfully build upon the rich history and weighty reputation of the gallery while keeping it contemporary. Last year she set up a pop up gallery on Webb Street in an industrial space very different to these two rooms. The project was entirely of her own creation including the curation, promotional material and the lease. Initially she had refused her dad’s suggestion of working in the gallery. At the time she had a high paying media job in London and the idea of coming back to Wellington was not quite as appealing. Upon returning to New Zealand she worked as the weekend girl at a dealer gallery in Auckland’s Herne Bay. Her

We end our conversation philosophically. I asked what the most important aspect of the gallery was for her. “I’m grateful that working in this role, it stimulates me intellectually and it has my heart,” she says. “I am fully emotionally connected to a powerful driver, and this is what my Dad has taught me: you must be committed to something that has your head and your heart, it’s incredibly potent.” She describes Peter as charismatic and charming; two qualities she inherits, and continues to radiate into these two rooms. Another group of visitors walked in the door. I’d sat there for nearly two hours but really wanted to be part of the gallery’s story for a bit longer. Sadly I had to leave for work and save up for the Yvonne Todd.

editor@salient.org.nz

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Josephine Jelicich

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how to find love in wellington 30

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sharon lam If Paris is the city of love then Wellington is also the city of love. The proof is in the pudding, with pudding being that increasingly rusty bridge on the waterfront, becoming more and more of an eyesore with all the copper-tinged love bleeding from those initialled locks. But hey, love conquers all, even public eyesores, even tetanus. Are you, dear reader, in love? If yes, good for you, hope you have a rust-contributing lock on that bridge; and if no, you have come to the right page. Many find it difficult to know where to begin searching for love, especially now that Hope Bros is gone. This comprehensive guide will enlighten you not just to who your perfect Wellingtonian is, but where you can hunt them down, how to get them into your life, and if worse comes to worse— where and how to end things. Yes, with this guide you will find that Wellington is full of potential suitors, making our city not just the capital of New Zealand, but the capital of looOOove.

preparing for love First and foremost, you must ask yourself: are you ready for love? Consider these questions: do you have good linen? Have you run out of TV shows to watch? Are you sure you’re not just hungry? Have you tried running for President of VUWSA yet? If you answered yes to all of these, then congratulations and commiserations, you are ready for love. Love is a fickle, tempestuous beast of a thing and it is important that you prepare yourself for the stormiest of conditions. You may find yourself lost in the Botanic Gardens at 3am, or aimlessly looking for somewhere to charge your phone in Aro Valley, perhaps even going as far as Lower Hutt in the search of love. Love will take you all over Wellington, so before you download Tinder, before you write your number on someone’s hand at a gig, and definitely before you ask someone to Salient crossword and chill, make sure you have: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

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1x military standard torch with extra set of batteries bread and preferred sandwich fillings a topped up Snapper card a flint an immunity idol from Survivor a clean library account with no overdue fines an extra pair of underwear.

Once you have all these things, the next question is who to love? This process usually takes several failed relationships and potential loss of friends and strained familial tension over the course of many years, decades even, but thankfully with this handy quiz you can find out who you should fall in love and spend the rest of your life with in a matter of seconds. Approved by Cupid himself, in a few seconds the identity of your lover will be revealed. Good luck. For simplicity, the options have been narrowed down to five main categories—The Complete Stranger, The Hot Barista, The Transitory Dudebro Hipster, The Prefab Yopro, and The Giant Squid At Te Papa. Though these are the main archetypes of potential Wellington lovers, other viable candidates include Entry-Level Alty Girl, Barefoot Acoustic Buskers, and Peter Jackson.

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START QUIZ HERE Do you like deep, icy, Antarctic waters? Yes

Do you like coffee?

Yes

Maybe?

Are you always so indescisive?

Do you like long arms?

Do you like money? Yes!!

Yes No

Yes

Are you okay with being annoying?

THE PREFAB YOPRO THE GIANT SQUID AT TE PAPA

I am throwing up Which is better:

1. Prefab 2. Six Barrel Soda 2

Yes

THE COMPLETE STRANGER

Yes

Is there either:

Maybe Do you like man buns? Yes

a) a globe b) 2+ choices of coffee item c) minimalist sans serif logo at your ‘regular’ cafe?

Why??

Yes Do you like people who are interesting?

Yes Even if you are just convincing yourself they’re interesting because they’re a little bit hot??

Are you a ‘regular’ at a Wellington cafe?

THE

TRANSITIONING

DUDEBRO HIPSTER

I’ll settle for hot but boring

But do you love squids more than coffee?

Yes

THE HOT BARISTA

Now that you have discovered who your true love is, read on to find out more about them, how to get them into your life … editor@salient.org.nz

Features

THE HOT BARISTA

Wellington is known for having the most cafés per capita than anywhere else in the world, making ogling baristas a popular local pastime. So close yet so far away, the café countertop is both a physical and romantic barrier between you and the eye candy that passes you your third environmentally inconsiderate disposable coffee cup of the day. Your friends may tell you otherwise, but you are certain that you are the only one they’ve smiled at today, and that forgetting your order of cold milk on the side is barista code for “I’m fantasising about pettily arguing about what to name our adopted dog.” Variations on the barista include the librarian (borrowing only erotica novels should be a clear hint), the Moore Wilson’s employee (have we not all considered seducing a Moore Wilson’s employee to help sustain a financially crippling pastry addiction?), and the tattooed waiter who works at a certain Bresolin Brothers establishment (oh, you’ll know when you see them…).

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is for someone who doesn’t mind yelling entire conversations, the Customs barista is perfect for those who are looking for a relationship purely for Instagram purposes, while a lover from a Mojo or Starbucks is great for people who are looking for something to point to when they get accused of being pretentious.

how? 1. 2.

where?

Your most frequented caffeinated watering hole. That’s why you frequent it the most, right? Everyone knows all coffee tastes the same and you’re just pretending otherwise. Different cafes have different baristas and surely in the sea of Wellington cafés there’s one just right for you—the Midnight barista

THE TRANSITORY DUDEBRO

The Transitory Dudebro is a mystery both to others and to themselves, a poetic hybrid of opposing cultures, stuck in limbo between dudebro and pretentious wanker. They’re wearing a droopy t-shirt with a different coloured pocket, but they’re also growing out a curly moustache. Their summer plans have for the first time switched from Rhythm and Vines to Laneway. They want to play Xbox, but they also want to watch a Wong Kar Wai movie. They love hitting up MishMosh, but they wish the DJ would put some Mac Demarco on. VB or Garage Project? Oh, the torment. In this difficult transitory journey of self-discovery, perhaps it is actually love that they are seeking.

where?

Weather plays a big part in where Transitory Dudebros can be observed. In sunny weather, they flock to the outdoor seating area of Fidel’s, where faux-retro sunglasses and six panels come together over a Snickers milkshake, adding a sense of childishness to their mixing pot of mistaken identities. In poorer weather, they can be found on Cuba Street, walking exasperatedly back and forth between Hallensteins and Cosmic, driven mad with indecision over whether they www.salient.org.nz

When the barista asks if you want the usual, say no. Instead, order five long blacks. Sit at a table alone surrounded by your five long blacks. Write the name of the Friends character you think you are most like on your forehead. Write on each coffee the remaining characters. Start re-enacting scenes from the show, putting on different voices for each character, wiggling the coffee when someone is “talking”. Do this every day until the barista knows what your new usual order is, and they start calling you by your Friends name. This is barista code for “I love you”. Dramatically smash all the long blacks and say to the barista, “you’re my smelly cat”. The barista will then leap over the coffee machine and into your arms, followed by the most disgusting act of PDA Wellington has ever seen.

should spend their weekly Studylink on a vape or on another striped t-shirt.

how? 1.

3. 4.

It’s impossible to tell whether the Transitory Dudebro will make a full transition to entry-level hipster, retreat back to full-blown Double Brown dudebro, or forever remain a complicated, tortured mix of the two. It is important you mentally prepare for any one of these outcomes. Once you have internally readied yourself, find a spot near a Transitory Dudebro and sit down, placing a rugby ball and a Thomas Pynchon novel in front of you. The target should sniff these objects out and approach you. While they mimic the motions of someone watching a Wimbledon game, flicking between the literature and the sports, they will begin to feel confused, then vulnerable, and may even start crying. Step in and comfort the confused soul. They should then form an immediate attachment to you by confusing you for their mother.

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THE GIANT SQUID AT TE PAPA

To be a Wellingtonian by definition you must have had some sort of romantic affair with the giant squid at Te Papa. The giant squid is a generous and exotic lover who is not just giant in size, but giant in its propensity for love, having had many different lovers over the course of its lifetime. Whenever you see strangers smiling at each other in the streets of Wellington, it is because they are sharing mutual acknowledgement of their relationship with the giant squid.

where?

The giant squid at Te Papa can be found at Te Papa.

how? 1.

THE COMPLETE STRANGER

Go to display and languorously rub your face against the plastic between you and the giant squid. This will notify the giant squid of your intentions and here the courtship ritual begins. If the giant squid does NOT appear at the foot of your bed the following night, then they have accepted you as

You walk past them in the street, you peek in their shopping basket at the supermarket, you may even accidentally follow them home, but you will have never spoken to them in your life. Yes, the Complete Stranger is the Wellingtonian you currently know absolutely nothing about, but you’re pretty sure is 100% perfect for you. Strangers are the largest group of Wellingtonians and the most diverse, with the only prerequisite being that neither party knows the other. Often one will not even know of the other’s existence—very romantic. Strangers are a popular potential for love as their ambiguity makes it especially easy for a plethora of expectations and fantasies to be projected onto them.

unfortunately off the table, no matter how cute your children Viöla and Pimrod would be.

how? 1. 2.

3. 4.

where?

The Stranger is the most geographically versatile of the four Welllingtonians and can be found in almost all public places—studies have found that the less you frequent a place, the more likely you will meet a Stranger. Popular places to meet Strangers include Briscoes on Taranaki Street, the pasta aisle of New World Metro, and online. It is often difficult to approach Strangers due to societal norms, so spontaneous marriage proposals to incredibly attractive members of the public you walk past in the street are

a suitor and you can proceed to step 3. If the giant squid DOES appear at the foot of your bed, unfortunately you have been rejected by the cephalopod and you must move to Hamilton immediately. Go to any Wellington dining establishment that serves calamari and order every single item on the menu except for the calamari, as a sign of respect for the giant squid’s majestic species. Keep the receipt. Return to Te Papa and ceremoniously burn the receipt over the giant squid, repeating the incantation “Five of pentacles, Squidward Tentacles, burgundy spectacles”. Observe the colour change in the pile of ashes. If it turns purple, then congratulations, you have successfully courted the giant squid of Te Papa. If any other colour, you have just been hexed for eternity. Such is the risk one takes for love.

5. 6.

Match with someone on Tinder. Go on your first date, confuse it with a job interview and spend the time talking about your strengths (always make it to the office on time) and your weaknesses (not very good at refilling staplers). Don’t talk to them for two weeks, during which time at least one of the parties must shave their head. Throw a baby-less baby shower, critiquing the socially constructed and archaic notion that one needs to be expecting a child to have a baby shower while also having all your guests think about fertility, ovaries, vaginal tearing and placenta the entire night (very erotic). Invite them to your baby shower, talk to them for about 10 minutes the entire night. Let your face blindness set in, forget what they look like completely and walk around Wellington continuously in fear that any member of their sex aged 8–80 is them.

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Features

THE PREFAB YOPRO

2. 3. 4. 5.

Fresh out of the squalor of student life, the Prefab Yopro is a confident, arrogant lover, high off their newfound ability to order something more than just cabinet food at weekend brunch. However, they are also generous lovers; students often envy other students who have a Yopro in their life, who regale stories of being treated to not just coffee but actual meals at Olive, and unimaginable luxuries like using both indoor heating and the dryer. While the Prefab Yopro is often criticised for having income instead of a personality, whoever is doing the criticising is obviously just jealous that their partner didn’t get them the new pink iPhone as an anniversary present.

where?

As namesake suggests, Prefab is the top hotbed of Prefab Yopros. You will find them inside obnoxiously asking for their food to be reheated and pretending to know about different types of wines, laughing about conference meetings and whatnot. Other locales include any restaurant that has just opened in the past month, the fresh section of Moore Wilson’s (never the bulk) and inside an apartment better than yours.

how? 1.

Go to Prefab and make eye contact with desired Yopro. Do a bit of yodelling as you make eye contact to ensure

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that they’ve noticed you. Tell a member of the waitstaff to send a glass of water to the target Yopro, your shout. When the glass of water arrives at their table, wink at them, repeat previous yodelling performance. The Yopro will be charmed by your gesture but also see an opportunity to flaunt their positive bank balance. Join the Yopro at their table and allow them to bore you to tears but also enjoy the free lunch. Talk about wallets, coffee machines and gym memberships. Continue a relationship based purely on financial benefits and gifts, feeling slightly empty inside but very well dressed and well fed. When the Yopro buys you a Karen Walker ring, the relationship is fully cemented.

ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF LOVE

For those who are wary of other humans (and for good reason), Wellington also offers a cornucopia of alternative sources for love. With three central city locations, Burger King is an excellent option. If truth lies at the bottom of a well, love lies at the bottom of a 12-pack of chicken nuggets. If you’re of the vegan/vegetarian persuasion (and let’s face it, if you’re living in Wellington you probably are), the weekly Sunday farmers’ markets on Willis and at the waterfront offer opportunities for you to meet your perfect courgette. An option for both herbivores and omnivores is Dominoes, with $5 pizzas a surprisingly under-utilised source of love. On top of love, $5 pizzas are also a route to inner peace, higher consciousness and physical perfection. Finally, we cannot forget the ultimate temple of salvation for lonely souls, the City Gallery. As everyone knows, modern art solves everything and the Wellington art scene is definitely not a complete joke, so take a trip to the hallowed halls, suck in the art, soothe the soul and go home with culturally-injected post-coital satisfaction.

BYE BYE LOVE

So you may have found someone to throw your affection upon, but, of course, the only real way to maintain the illusion that you

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have met The One is to not actually make any form of contact with them. If this is too late for you and you went down the path of “getting to know them” and perhaps even succeeding in “falling in love”, what’s next? Get bored and dump them of course. Or if you prefer, slowly lose interest in them and let the relationship slowly and painfully disintegrate by itself over the course of weeks, months, years, because you just can’t bring yourself to confront anything. Luckily for you, not only is Wellington the perfect place to fall in love, it is also the perfect place to dump someone. Zealandia is a very popular breakup destination, with the sound of native New Zealand birds able to muffle your now ex-lover’s crying, a benefit also offered by the Wellington State Highway if you prefer a more urban soundtrack. If you are after a quick getaway, why not take the cable car up to the Botanic Gardens? Offer to buy them their ticket, but secretly you only buy them a one-way while you get a return. At the top, sadly break the news to them that you have found someone who has better hair—someone who actually has hair—and due to these irreconcilable differences, things are over. When they attempt to get back onto the cable car, smugly point out their lack of return ticket, hop on to the cable car yourself, and watch them get smaller and smaller as you ride back down to Lambton Quay, maybe even doing a bit of shopping before going home. So now you have all the information, you need to go out and find the love of your life. In this world of over seven billion people, it is certain that the one true love of your life just so happens to be located within a few kilometres of you, they are about the same age as you, are devastatingly good-looking and completely out of your league (but will think the exact same of you), will be loved by your parents and friends, have a cute dog, a beautiful, warm apartment, excellent hair, a professional masseuse, will smell fantastic, and be on first name terms with both members of the Flight of the Conchords. Yes, the love of your life definitely exists, and they’re just eagerly waiting for you somewhere in Wellington—so wait no more, top up your Snapper card and go meet them.

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Features

ith Grant R W n’t Have To d o k l u b n erts ra Wo u o D o n Y S o and Mitch e a i W Lyd

move away from the most sugary ones. I do have a view that eventually we need move on sponsorship, that had a big effect on smoking. It’s not easy because every rugby club in New Zealand is sponsored by a brewery. It will be a really challenging task. There’s more to do on availability issues. I’d hoped that the local alcohol plans would give communities a chance to manage things the way they like.

In July, as your resident politicalorientated alcohol-enthusiasts, we sat down with MP for Wellington Central, Labour’s Grant Robertson, for a chat about power, politics, and piss. Over some Wellington craft beer, we got the goss on the politics of booze and the booze in politics. Lydia and Mitch: Is craft beer all it’s cracked up to be? Grant: Probably over-hyped but still better. Craft beer’s fun. I don’t think people should get too serious about it. Here we are with a mass-produced beer and a craft beer and there is an obvious difference. The smaller batches that they make taste much better. Do you have any tips for when you are hungover but need to appear professional? Sausage rolls—forget everything other than the sausage roll. When I worked at MFAT, I was severely hungover once or twice. The Colonial Café used to do a mighty fine sausage roll. It’s all about the grease. It used to be a sausage roll and a blue Powerade, not that I behave like this anymore. Mitch is a big fan of buying them the night before which is a smart move. There’s also the “Home Burger” which is when you buy two hamburgers on the way home and you eat one, but have one which is your home burger. Either you eat it then or you wake up the next morning think “Oh God I’m so hungover” and there’s a burger there! Needing to stress again that I don’t do this. Have you ever been a bit drunk while you’re in the House? No, never. Never? Not even answering questions down the hallway? Not even during urgency?

Never, I’ve made it a thing. I’ve watched people be absolutely trollied in the House. Not pretty. In the past you’ve been a fan of unit pricing for alcohol, what’s your current view on that? I do think that we need to look at the pricing of alcohol, unit pricing was just the mechanism in front of us at the time. I don’t want to price alcohol out of students’ market. But I talked to the guy that runs the detox unit at Wellington Hospital, and asked him what were the biggest changes he’d seen in his 30 years running the unit. He said it was the number of women coming into the detox unit and when he asks people where they got the alcohol, they all say the supermarket. Supermarkets use alcohol as a loss-leading mechanism, I do think we need to do something about that. Whether unit pricing is the way to do it or not is a good question. There’s been renewed calls to increase the drinking age as a way to reduce harm from youth drinking. What are your thoughts on that? I don’t think the age needs to change. I think it’s a joke and everyone in New Zealand knows it’s a joke. Teenagers have been able to purchase alcohol forever. You’re much better off having it so it can be sold in a restrained environment. The problem now is that it’s so expensive to drink in bars is that people preload and all that and there’s less control over it. Do you have any positions on broader harm reduction policies? I tell you what I would do, which is controversial and raises another set of issues, but I would put calorie counts more prominently on alcohol. People would

Do you see that more as a way of controlling alcohol purchasing or as a democratic mechanism? Well both. I’ll give you an example. In Wellington Central I’ve surveyed constituents about their views on alcohol. I know that the results of that are very different from my colleagues in South Auckland. You know, I’ve got deputations of septuagenarians who are worried that they won’t be able to buy wine at the dairy anymore. I think having a community have the ability to have some control over that is really useful. Karaoke go-to? Karaoke is a tortured thing for me. The song I used to have as my go-to was “Delta Dawn”. Also “American Pie” because I know all the words to it but it is almost 10 minutes long. Once at a bar in Dunedin the 1990s I was singing “American Pie” and a member of the Mongrel Mob pulled the plug out of the wall. Any more fun Scarfie stories? After my final exam one year I got a little inebriated and a band I really liked called the Abel Tasmans were playing. When I arrived at the event I had a stuffed parrot on my hand which I could make do talking motions. I remember being slumped over the speakers at the front with my hand in the air making the parrot do the talking motions and the lead singer said that I was “an advert for the Alcohol Liquor Advisory Council.” The last thing I remember was the leaving the event, I’d just been elected OUSA President, and a woman came up to me and said “I can’t believe I voted for you”. Stay in school, kids. As for the beer, we sampled ParrotDog’s Bitter Bitch and Garage Project’s Beer. At four stars the former was the stand-out for our panel, two wine drinkers and a Scarfie Member of Parliament, while the latter was slightly behind on three stars. editor@salient.org.nz

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The Cocktail Diaries Jess Scott

Since becoming employed as a cocktail bartender, I spend a truly alarming amount of time in cocktail bars. If I Instagrammed every pretty drink in a pretty glass I consumed, I would be accused of rampant alcoholism, then pelted with AA brochures, bibles and juice detox manuals. So I decided to enlighten Salient’s readers with my experiences of tottering about aforementioned cocktail bars, neglecting my responsibilities and attempting to emulate a Carrie Bradshaw-esque lifestyle, like the Legally-AnAdult-But-Honestly-Not-Really-An-Adult that I am. *Disclaimer: I paid for like three of these. Shout out to the menagerie of males who unknowingly funded this venture. You guys are the real MVPs.

Motel Bar I spend a concerning amount of time at Motel for someone who works 9pm–5am both weekend nights. But how could one possibly resist the alluring alliterative Mojito Mondays and Wild Wednesdays? And the fact that the bartenders all spend an uncanny amount of time shirtless? And that at 3am they start playing either bagpipe music or a Thomas The Tank Engine remix of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song? Wrong Island Iced Tea $20 On 2-for-1 Wednesdays these are the path to enlightenment. (Or at least the path to waking up upside-down in bed with stilettos on, a stolen Briscoes trolley, a date with a bartender and a flatmate potentially requiring hospitalisation.) Incredible value for alcohol content—8/10

Midlife crisis $16 Red wine and rum sangria w/ berry compote, absolute dream. I ordered this whilst hanging out with my mother’s then-boyfriend, the bar staff gave us an extremely bemused look as I realised in horror that I looked like a teenage trophy wife. The gloriousness of the drink almost compensated for the emotional trauma—7.5/10 Overall rating: 6/10

Alice Cocktail & Lounge Bar Everything on the entire menu is utterly incredible without fail, the bar staff (yours truly inclusive) are all ridiculously attractive, able to do cool stuff with flaming alcohol and possessive of the same deadpan sarcastic demeanour. Also we do an alcoholic pink milkshake, what more could drunk non-vegans possibly want? The Queen of Hearts $16 A black Doris plum daiquiri, made with REAL LIFE ACTUAL FRUIT, not syrup. Absolutely incredible + surprisingly boozy. (I am unable to apply lipstick straight after only one. I am, however, a tiny human). Added bonus: the brilliant magenta colour also conveniently Instagrams flawlessly without a filter—10/10 March Hare’s Gin Sensation teapot $25 (serves 3–4 humans) Once more catering to my inner gin aunt, this wondrous concoction comes in a cute little tea set, complete with silver tray and frilly doily, in case your gran wanted a tea break from getting down on the d floor. Also, being a combination of gin, jasmine tea, pineapple juice and peach schnapps, it tastes like Care Bears and rainbows. 8/10

The Library I will never get past the fact that their books are essentially unreadable (“reading room” is a blatant lie) and just for the aesthetic, consisting mostly of outdated textbooks. New Gypsy Love Potion $18 (Racial slur alert!!!) Literally tasted like floral nothingness. Promised hint of absinthe was very possibly a single drop in the straw. Total waste of $$$. Unimpressed—4/10 Randy Savage $13 Consumed whilst so inebriated that the guy I was with commented that “it’s a good thing you’re really hot because you’re walking like a baby giraffe”. Regardless, it was lovely, albeit slightly sickeningly sweet. The spiced rim is a nice touch until you accidentally re-enact the Cinnamon Challenge—7/10 Overall rating: 5/10 (Who the fuck makes an Old Fashioned with SUGAR SYRUP?!)

Hawthorne Lounge A gin thing. Price unknown. INCREDIBLE. I have only ever been here on the worst Tinder date of my life which has tainted my experience, but their cocktails are an otherworldly experience. Overall rating: 9/10

Dragonfly Disclaimer: The cocktail menu is a rampant display of racist stereotyping.

Overall rating: 9/10

Overall rating: 15/10 (real talks—this was my all time favourite bar well before it paid my rent)

Mojo Martini (price unknown, I was rather inebriated) FANTASTIC, coffee and cocktails are my two favourite edible things on the planet so this was a spectacular experience—7.5/10

The Arborist Rooftop Bar

Mexico Wellington

Overall rating: 7/10

The Holy Trinitea jug $17 (split between two—one and a half short glasses each with a fuckton of ice) Disappointment of a lifetime. I have no idea how a combination of Beefeater 24 (perfect and beautiful gin) and Harney & Sons tea could possibly be made to taste unpleasant but THEY MANAGED. It quite literally tasted like the product of running out of mixer on a public holiday, and getting so desperate that you mix spirits with cold tea because it is that or vodka-water—2/10

Black Doris Plum Margarita $14; Coconut Margarita $12 Served in tall glasses, which was puzzling? Also sans straws, creating a fun smudged lipstick debacle. Regardless, the Coconut Margarita was absolutely to die for. The Black Doris was pleasant, but tinged with the same kind of disappointment that comes with flirting with a not-that-cute bartender and still having to pay for your drink (this happened).

Bad Grannies

Overall rating: 7/10

Overall rating: 2/10

Skinny Dip $14 Tasted like watermelon-flavoured dishwashing detergent—4/10

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Margarita $10 Plagued by the existential horror that is Monday evening, my flatmate and I decided to #treatyourself to $10 Margarita Monday on the way home from grocery shopping. Big mistake. Packet-mix margaritas with the consistency of service station slushies, which tasted like what I imagine the liquid hand soap in public bathrooms to.

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Features

Wellington’s Coffee Scene: LOW BUDGEMENT DAY Mr. Susan

I’ve been on the lookout for the b-grade thrillers of Wellington’s coffee scene, a sweded version if you will. These are my findings. The free Nescafé machine at the hospital

There is nothing I love more than to sit next to my aunt who just had a colostomy and sip on a good old fashioned instantly brewed cup of glorified pisswater. For something that resembles the contents of her catheter bag, it tastes semi-decent. I particularly like the barista’s machinelike efficiency, so much so that I ordered one of everything. There seems to be no apparent difference between the latte and the cappuccino. Conclusion: they treat their customers well. Maybe baristas should ditch frothing their milk the traditional way and go for milk powder—you can really taste the difference! The backdrop of ailing people and that signature hospital-ly smell provide for an unforgettable experience and unparalleled ambience. Mr. Bun, Cuba St

The first thing I thought when I walked in? It smells really strongly of ham. Slightly offputting. They also seem to be obsessed with fried chicken to the point that it creeped me out. I think that’s the secret to their success—people like crispy chicken and Mr. Bun gives the modern consumer what they want. And so, after a few sips through my sketchy flat white, it struck me that Mr. Bun is for people who know what they want. If you want a saussy roll, he’ll give you a saussy roll. If you want a semi-decent flat white, hey sure why not? A crispy wang (wing but in a southern accent) on the side? Knock yourself out because Mr. Bun will deliver! Added bonuses: You have choice of four different deep fried chicken combos. There is also a children’s play pen to dump those little rascals in while you chow down on some southern fried chicken.

Mucho Mucho Espresso on Manners St

I kinda can’t say much about this place apart from the fact that it was basically just a glorified bakery. I decided to get a coffee because fuck it, I’m reviewing the b-grade-o-sphere of the city’s coffee and also their name would have the average Joe believe that their shit is fresh. As a Spanish major, my sources would have me think that “Mucho Mucho Espresso” has shit tonnes of coffee but apparently not. My coffee was, to be frank, mediocre. But there is something moreish about mediocre things, like when you’re eating a bag of those foamy banana lollies and before you know it you’ve consumed the entire confection. I think that’s my experience of Mucho Mucho Espresso in a nutshell. The Coffee Club

Though it’s not typically “low budge”, I would still class The Coffee Club as party to the faux café sphere. I get the sense that The Coffee Club was established via a doctor’s prescription type thing—3x suicidal waitresses wearied by the fallacy of the trickle-down theory, 2x shitty mural art, 1x clientèle of white, middle-aged ladies, and 1x 180mg of codeine ‘cos that’s the only way this hole could be bearable. But I ordered my flat white and stationed myself closest to the door in case of emergency; I wouldn’t want to spend the last minutes of my life in that place. Yet, dying in The Coffee Club would be somewhat paradoxical seeing as it is hell anyway. You see, despite the fact The Coffee Club is just the Mickey Ds of the caffeinated world, they seem to get away with charging regular café prices and playing a buzzy house remix of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams”. But as long as there are crusty and tasteless white ladies out there, The Coffee Club will always exist so I give up. I’m just pissed I spent $4.10 of my hard earned weekly living costs to support their capitalist scheme.

editor@salient.org.nz

R.I.P.

Despite having been on the Exec for a couple of years and observed two Presidents, nothing really prepares you for what is a massively demanding yet hugely rewarding and privileged position. Every day has been different and your plans are constantly changing as curveballs and opportunities present themselves—such is the pleasure of trying to represent over 20,000 students.

YARN WITH ZWAAN VUWSA President, Rick Zwaan So we’re here. Week 12 and the last issue of Salient of the year. Where did that year go? My tenure as President and three years on the Exec are coming to an end (finally?!). I remember when I first sat in the president’s chair at the start of the year. I’d just got back into civilisation after rained out New Years tramping trip. Sonya had given me the office keys and a “good luck” card. The roller coaster of a year that would be had begun.

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I’m proud of the work the entire VUWSA team have managed to have achieved this year; from big issues like Uni Council changes to tangible new things like the fantastic Fruit and Vege market, and the countless other things in between. A huge thank you must go to everyone at VUWSA and Victoria who’s helped to make our university and city a better place. Cheers to the entire Exec—Jono, Madeleine, Toby, Jacinta, Nathaniel, Ellen, Chennoah, Rory, and Rory—you guys have all worked tremendously hard, supported me and challenged me when I’ve definitely needed it. Shout out to all the VUWSA staff and volunteers—you’ve all given an immense amount this year. Thanks too to the hundreds of Class Reps, Faculty Delegates, Rep

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Groups and Clubs that make Victoria that much better. To Sam and the team at Salient—I’ve appreciated the coverage (particularly on the ‘real issues’ like my haircut…). Thanks to the Chancellor, Sir Neville Jordan and the rest of University Council, and ViceChancellor Grant Guilford, and the rest of the SLT team -we’ve had some challenging issues, and a few disagreements, to deal with this year but I’ve appreciated the way we’ve worked through them with a high level of mutual respect. Cheers to Pam Thorburn, Jenny Bentley, Academic Office and the countless other university staff who we deal with often for the constructive discussions and amazing amount of work you do for students. Finally, thanks to my flatmates, Steph and Angus for putting up with me and keeping me honest. I’m pleased that there is great bunch of people on the 2016 Exec who will continue to carry VUWSA forward.

Opinion

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experience, I know that a day of guilty procrastination can leave me feeling like shit and unable to sleep. The things we put off grow larger in our minds, displace and distort everything else, and make us even more reluctant to do them. We become ashamed to talk to people about study-related stuff and seek distraction and amusement to forget the problem. But this carry-on is unsustainable, and sooner or later everyone will seek…

PSALM OF A PROCRASTINATOR Chris McDowall Procrastination? We’ve all been there. Students everywhere will know what it’s like to find oneself leaping at the slightest excuse to avoid the task at hand. But what began as an innocent diversion (just one episode of Friends…) can soon metastasise into a merciless beast that eats up your day and makes tomorrow that much more difficult. Formally, to procrastinate is to “voluntarily delay an intended course of action despite expecting to be worse off for the delay”. Put like that, it sounds scary. I could come up with a similar definition for self-harm.

Redemption. The prayer of the procrastinator is that tomorrow will bring boundless inspiration and industry, and that the assignment will practically write itself. We firmly believe that the quality of work completed under severe time pressure is “good enough”. Getting a mark nearly as good as that of your friend—who spent twice as long working on their assignment—is a deliciously wonderful feeling. Getting an even better mark is the procrastinator’s nirvana. This redemptive promise of getting-away-with-it is the carrot that gives hope to the eternally optimistic procrastinator. But this sort of “redemption” is deluded. It’s silly to compare yourself to others all the time, and the fact remains that your work was done in an unseemly rush was not as good as it could have been, and has left you really tired and stressed. This is not a good way to conduct the your degree, let alone your personal life. Hope is great, but the object of hope is crucial and we get it badly wrong when we procrastinate. When it comes to being a good student, our object of hope should lie in hard work and better habits. Finding the right object of hope for being a good person is less straightforward.

It’s hard to know how to talk about this issue. Students love to yarn about their procrastinating tendencies—“yeah, I left that assignment until the night before”. These discussions are self-deprecating in nature, because procrastination is essentially being equated with laziness and mediocrity. This is not at all helpful; you may as well say “hey I’m shitty and lazy and so are you, but I suppose everyone’s that way so it’s probably fine”. Procrastination has certainly been around a while. Even the apostle Paul in his Epistle to the Romans sounds like the archetypal selfloathing student: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” Although Paul is actually talking about the sin in his life, I think his words also describe our internal feelings around procrastination pretty well, prompting me to ask this question: “can the Christian treatment of sin provide the heathen students of Victoria University with some handy study tips?” To answer this question I will walk you through the progression from sin, to guilt, to repentance. Sin. The word used by Paul for “sin” is Greek: hamartia. This was originally an Aristotelian concept used to put the “tragic” into tragic heroes—it implied a diversion from the perceived ideal order for human living, that one had “missed the mark”. Paul et al. co-opted it into their new Christian lexicon and in that context it has taken on further meaning, but here the original Greek definition is sufficient. To procrastinate, therefore, is to miss the mark. We pay to be at university, but we don’t always perform to our full ability. Instead, we are destructive and damaging to ourselves and others, we hurt our potential, and we waste our finite time. If STAT193 were a Greek tragedy, we would all be heroes with boundless potential—but let down by our procrastinating tendencies. Guilt. This is what we feel when we know we’ve been sinning. From editor@salient.org.nz

Features

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Save Us Elon

Johnathan Hobman

At a public lecture this year, Elon Musk presented a graph displaying the (literally impossible) quantity of fossil fuels we will need in the next 50 years, if global habits persist. From the crowd a young voice called out, “save us Elon!”. Elon Musk is a modern marvel, to some a messiah, the hero we need, not the one we deserve. The world hangs on his every word. This article is a catch up on Musk and his most notable achievements, for the surprising amount of under-rock dwellers out there, many of whom I’ve met. (He’s so famous, there’s a Simpsons episode dedicated to him, he was on the cover of Time magazine, and he’s essentially invented the commercial electric car. Come on guys.) Elon Reeve Musk is a South African-born, American inventor/investor billionaire. His formal education ended with an undergraduate degree in physics and economics. His knowledge in rocket and car design came, he says, from reading and talking to people. Musk stepped onto the world stage by co-founding Paypal, with which he amassed his initial fortune. After selling Paypal to Amazon, he founded SpaceX in 2001, a rocket company with the ultimate goal of colonising Mars. He is currently the CEO and CTO (Chief Techwww.salient.org.nz

nology officer). Two years later, he co-founded Tesla Motors, where he is now the CEO and product architect. Broadly speaking, Musk’s major long-term goals are to aid in the move away from fossil fuels (Tesla) and to colonise Mars with the preliminary step of developing reusable rockets (SpaceX). Tesla’s electric Model S car has the fastest acceleration of any fourdoor car and can reach 60 mph (96.56km/h) in 2.8 seconds. Tesla’s first electric model, the “Roadster”, was a small two-door/seater mid-engine sports car. First released when production costs were at their peak, the car had to be marketed as a toy for the super rich, but has been succeeded by the more affordable, four-door Model S and Model X. The cars can be plugged in at home—“like a hair drier”—or on the road with “Super Chargers”, the free Tesla equivalent to gas stations, which charge the battery to half within 20 minutes. These are becoming more numerous every year, though are currently restricted to the States, Europe, England, China and Australia. Tesla has also produced the “Power Wall”, a small solar power regulator designed to provide households with consistent 24-hour solar power.

Features Needless to say Tesla has won countless international awards and may save the world. Yet perhaps the wildest of Musk’s ambitions is to colonise Mars. Mars’ orbit lines up with Earth every two years, and remains within a reasonable travelling distance for six months. Currently the estimated cost of sending a person to Mars is a trillion dollars; Musk aims to reduce that cost to half a million per person, whereupon SpaceX will send a mix of experts and paying customers. According to Musk, the key to making life interplanetary is to create reusable rockets. The vast majority of the cost comes from building the rockets; the fuel is only one-thousandth of the total expense. SpaceX is currently trying to land its rocket, “The Falcon”, on a barge at sea. Once the company achieves a reasonable success rate, they will begin landing on solid ground. According to Musk, the rocket will be safe for human transportation within two to three years. The final notable mention goes to the Hyperloop, an idea Musk unveiled in 2013. The hyperloop is essentially a long-distance vacuum tube used for high-speed travel. This year Musk announced that he would be building a five-mile long Hyperloop prototype in Texas for students and companies to experiment with. So, that should be cool. With Tesla and SpaceX taking up the week, Musk’s weekends are reserved for his kids. Musk has five boys, whom he has enrolled in a 20-student school of his own creation—Ad Astra (“To the Stars”). The school adopts a “problem based”, as opposed to more conventional “tool based”, approach; as Musk puts it, instead of teaching kids about screwdrivers Ad Astra would teach them how to fix a car, and the screwdriver lesson would emerge organically out of that process. Musk described his own school experience as torture, and says his kids enjoy school to the point that they complain about holidays being too long. It sounds like Hogwarts. Hearing Elon talk about his personal philosophy is quite an inspiration. His is a quintessential quest for enlightenment, pushed forward with an uncommon momentum and drive; he once said in an interview that he wouldn’t be able to enjoy lying on the beach unless he was on some serious drugs. “I had this existential crisis as a kid and tried to figure out ‘what’s it all about’, and none of the books I read seemed to have a good answer,” Musk told Raw Science in 2013. “I read all the religious texts and read a bunch of philosophy books and they were all quite depressing, particularly the Germans. “When I read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy I thought ‘okay, well this is a pretty good one’… trying to gain greater enlightenment over time, that seems like a good goal. We don’t really know what the meaning of life is, or even really what the right questions are to ask, but if we can improve our understanding of the universe then eventually we can pick out what the right question to ask is. You know, if it’s not the meaning of life, it’s something.” Hearing the audience member’s cry to save us, Musk gave an expression like that of a prudish teacher. “I think collectively we should do something about this,” he replied. “And not try to win the Darwin Award.”

Features

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On Violence Anon

My Early Years is not a particularly pleasant story, so I shall be brief: they are nothing but a waste-land, one where I escape and ponder the abstract possibility of a life in a parallel universe; my selves split between worlds by a single quantum event; each violent act gives way to a multiverse; my distended self, dashed across space-time. Once upon a time, aged six, I crawled into my wardrobe and pushed my tiny fists against the drywall, foolishly looking for snow, desperately seeking Susan. Such exposure to Ultraviolence is nothing short of a haunting, night and day. I was never scared of the dark, never frightened of spectres or demons under a trundle bed. Why should a child fear the dead and dispossessed when the horror lives and breathes in a room at the end of hall? My childhood is a litany of sad moments and revelations, nightmarish terrors veiled by wishes and dreams and hopes, a life lived in fantasy beyond the four-walls of a weatherboard home. You can forgive me for not wanting to remember them here, now. These detached musings began a week ago when chatter of Chris Brown’s dismal attempts to secure a visa to perform in New Zealand began to trickle down through various social media platforms. Already denied entry to Australia, Brown’s lifelong dream of performing to a sea of poxridden, hyped-up teenagers in Auckland was almost certainly quashed when the impregnable Crusher Collins, huffing and puffing beneath her armoured power suit, proudly declared: “he can bugger off ”. Why? Because Brown’s rap sheet includes a number of felonies: possession of cannabis, battery and various misdemeanour assaults, firearms charges, and, of course, the domestic assault of his then-girlfriend Robyn Fenty, known to the world as Rihanna. But what strikes me as a survivor of domestic violence is not the bureaucratic refusal to sanction international movement www.salient.org.nz

across artificially conceived boundaries, but rather the sheer hypocrisy of the dialogue it has created.

unsettling. It certainly raises the question: how is Brown worse than what already exists in New Zealand?

Truthfully, I couldn’t give a flying fuck about Chris Brown. Honestly, just let him and his shitty music into New Zealand. And while you’re at it, seeing as you care so much, why don’t you deport every violent, abusive, “prominent” prick from this country? Don’t care where, just not here. Try the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. It’s big enough to sustain life by now, surely. Believe me when I say someone will colonise that trash vortex eventually; why not let the First People be the perpetrators of violence against women and children?

And yet, despite all the hysteria surrounding Brown, there are many who support his entry to New Zealand and believe his experience could provide, for youth affected by domestic violence, an opportunity for necessary dialogue. Speaking out following Crusher’s vehement rejection of letting another wife-beater into the country, former New Zealand Women’s Refuge chief executive Merepeka Raukawa-Tait, Dame June Jackson, Dame Iritana Tawhiwhirangi, Dame June Mariu, and Lady Tureiti-Moxon all agreed: Brown should be allowed to perform in New Zealand. His perspective is unique, they declared, and the National Urban Māori Authority went so far as to invite him to their marae to speak with young people about his exposure to—and experiences of—domestic violence. To this, the nation’s best and finest replied that “victims”, not attackers, should receive such an honour; a platform on which to dispel our wisdom forged in violence. Just last week on Newstalk ZB, Jordan Williams, executive director of the Taxpayers’ Union, criticised the apparent willingness of Māoridom to defend Brown’s actions, instead calling for victims of violence in the home to speak up. The subtlety with which Williams clearly posited domestic abuse as an issue for Māoridom and not the uppermiddle, predominantly white classes was not lost, nor was his simultaneous suggestion that we are, and always will be, victims. In inviting Brown to speak, New Zealand exposed the sad fact that our lexicon presumes a level of submission to the cruel and remorseless nature of violence, an inability to separate ourselves from a rough past. It does not follow that a child born into violence is predisposed to violence.

No? Too much for you? I’ll begin again. With or without Brown, New Zealand and Australia’s cultural propensity towards domestic violence is already well-established. According to the White Ribbon campaign in Australia, one woman every week is killed by their partner (www. whiteribbon.org.au). This year to date, 63 women—mothers, sisters, daughters—have been murdered by their partners across the ditch. In New Zealand the situation is equally disturbing, with statistics compiled by Women’s Refuge revealing: “Police are called to around 200 domestic violence situations a day—that’s one every seven minutes on average; police estimate only 18 per cent of domestic violence incidents are reported; at least 74,785 children and young people aged under 17 were present at domestic violence situations attended by police; 84 per cent of those arrested for domestic violence are men; 16 per cent are women” (www.womensrefuge.org.nz). Of all these numbers, the fact that authorities believe less than a fifth of violent incidents in the home are reported is the most

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When the country calls us “victims”, when the nation asks us to speak, I hesitate. I pause and ask myself, “of what, exactly, are we victims? A country’s pathological desire to dilute the real problem of violence in the home by consistently refusing to unmask its features?” Make no mistake; I am a victim of nothing but the patriarchal assumptions you’ve made of me and every other survivor of domestic abuse. Recall now the fact only 18 per cent of instances are reported, and question why Williams felt justified in erroneously declaring that the problem of compliance lay with Māoridom alone. For too long New Zealand has ignored the fact domestic violence is the most pernicious symptom of a wider social disease: male privilege and its proprietary right over women and children. When it comes to exposing the face of domestic violence in New Zealand, the real hurdle seems to be that we cannot see the forest for the trees. All the oxygen we’ve wasted over Brown’s entry to New Zealand and still the politicians, pundits, and Kiwi Twitterati, crawling like sticky weevils from the woodwork to score points in the bloody sport of domestic violence, have roundly failed to identify the problem of culture. Even our most “prized” journalists have missed the point, with Duncan Garner tweeting the now-infamous photograph of Rihanna’s bruised and bloodied face as the real “reason” why Brown isn’t allowed in the country. Of course Garner wants to talk about domestic violence, because there’s nothing more pressing on the MediaWorks agenda than hashing it out for three hours on afternoon talkback radio with doddery old white listeners over a young black man’s criminal record. Full disclosure: Garner’s position on domestic violence vexes me more than any other pundit throwing their hat in the ring, more than Jan Logie, Crusher Collins, or Tariana Turia combined, because his knee-jerk reaction reflects the inarticulate nature of New Zealanders when trying to address the culture surrounding domestic violence. Let’s not forget: in the wake of the manslaughter charges two children faced for the death of Railside Dairy owner Arun Kumar, Garner used his weekly cringeworthy op-ed in The Dominion Post to advocate for “deadbeat parents” to be sterilised. The following extract provides his acute assessment of— and response to—intergenerational violence and extreme poverty in New Zealand: “The sad reality is we have a bunch of uneducated, drug-abusing mongrels

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bringing young people into this world… The truth is these people don’t deserve to have babies. But that’s a whole new debate, isn’t it?” - The Dominion Post, June 20, 2015 The assertion that “deadbeat” parents lie at the core of New Zealand’s problem with intergenerational violence is lazy, poorly researched, defensive rhetoric. Perhaps Garner had nothing constructive to offer before deadline. Perhaps he was so consumed by patriarchal rage, he simply purged a bunch of vengeful words. Perhaps no-one was working in editorial. I’ll never know. But the real “sad reality” is that only a special brand of lickspittle little gobshites in New Zealand are capable of such a suggestion: a harsher criminal justice system and negative eugenics as the solution to the country’s culture of domestic violence. That it was published as an opinion is irrelevant; frivolous thoughts of the uninformed mean nothing to me and the countless others who spin this country’s tragic wheel of misfortune; those who spend far too much of their formative years hiding; curled under beds, behind drawers, in cupboards and wardrobes, beneath the house balled up in the dirt; anywhere dark and small enough to escape their miserable, invisible existence until the tempest subsides. We as a country seem to relish the punishment and denigration collectively dished out to Brown for being a cog in a violent machine. And it should come as no surprise then that the commentary surrounding his history also fails to acknowledge he himself is the victim of intergenerational violence, conditioned by a brutish step-father on how to treat women. New Zealanders are aghast with Brown’s behaviour, clutching their hands and keyboards to their bare breasts, as evidenced by this charming ditty of a hash-tag trending nationwide on Twitter: #notodomesticviolence. But slacktivism, the most redundant of all internet behaviours, is a puerile waste when a series of white upper-middle class men will continue to be allowed to traipse through the New Zealand countryside, bounding over knuckled hillocks, living it up on golf courses, seemingly absolved of their sins against women and children: Sean Penn, Sean Connery, Gary Oldman, Mel Gibson, Nicolas Cage, Michael Fassbender, Bill Murray, Ozzy Osbourne, Tommy Lee, Jimmy Page, Roman Polanski, Tony Veitch, countless, faceless “prominent” New

Zealanders (should I keep going?). I believe in redemption and rehabilitation, but don’t confuse the culture of domestic violence with the question of individual consequence. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I must finish by telling you that in a country where the rigmarole around Once Were Warriors rests on whether it is in fact the nation’s favourite romantic comedy; where the Glossary of Kiwiana replaces “men’s singlet” with “wife-beater”; where Veitch, who fractured Kristin Dunne-Powell’s spine in four places and paid her $100,000 hush-money, now hosts his own television show; where “prominent” New Zealanders are forever circumventing punitive action, it is embarrassing (and depressing) to be a survivor of domestic violence. This past fortnight has seen the country’s Bright Young Things leap at the opportunity to pay lip service to the questions of intergenerational violence, systemic child abuse, and the issues of poverty that plague children like Brown and myself for the rest of our lives, all the while misrepresenting the problem. Domestic violence is not an “issue” isolated to low socioeconomic areas; it is not confined to the ever-dwindling number of state homes, nor has it been driven by cosmopolitans to the regions. Violence is not remote. It is next door. It is in your schools, your universities, your offices, and your government. From where I stand it cannot be denied that this country hasn’t a bloody clue. How can they when people steadfastly refuse to acknowledge domestic violence occurs in all communities? From Waiheke Island to Cannons Creek, from Blenheim to Bluff, violence in the home is like a cancer: it does not discriminate. Your gender, your sexuality, your race, your age, your religion, and your tax bracket are nothing to a swinging fist. I stop short of putting my name to this piece, because it’s not about me, it’s about you. I acknowledge my anonymity will naturally reduce the weight of my argument, the poor frustrated reader being unable to position their faithful author alongside the text. But you see, I was never there. I could be anyone’s child. I could be your mother, sister, brother, wife, husband, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, friend, student, or teacher. Come closer and you will see I am everyone and no-one. You wouldn’t recognise me, even if you tried, because New Zealand doesn’t know the face of domestic violence. No one does.

editor@salient.org.nz

Games

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Hype Sequence Initiated: Looking ahead to gaming in 2016 Cameron Gray Holy shit, it’s the last gaming page for the year? We’ve had three different section editors, a lot of mostly meaningless opinions, and a whole bunch of games that probably should have been reviewed but weren’t. Since we still filled a page pretty much every week, I think we can call that a success. There has been a lot of stuff that has gone down in the gaming scene this year so far, but it’s fair to say it was nowhere near as controversial (and therefore interesting) as 2014 was. Some games were good, some games were shit, and everyone got angry at least once. Mostly at Konami, because Konami is a terrible company. 2015 is not over, however, and there’s still a lot of shit to come. Since I’m not one for dwelling on the mistakes of the past, let’s instead look forward to the next year of tasty digital morsels, because the hype trains will only keep going faster. •

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Virtual Reality is set to be the biggest technological innovation to sweep the gaming world. Mind you, they said that about motion controls, and they’ve mostly fallen flat. Still, we’ve actually seen that the tech works and how fun it can be, with the Oculus Rift consumer model being set to release in the first quarter of 2016. Valve’s collaboration with HTC for SteamVR may prove to be fruitful as well, since Valve don’t do things by halves (except maybe customer service). Even console peasants can get in on the VR action, with PlayStation VR (formerly Project Morpheus) set for a release sometime next year. New tech is always exciting, and I certainly hope virtual reality will be a game-changer. There are still a few big games set to come out in the next two months, just in time for Christmas. Undoubtedly the biggest has to be Fallout 4, the long-awaited next instalment in the legendary series of action RPGs. Embarrassingly, I haven’t had the pleasure of playing other Fallout games, but I’m excited by the prospect of exploring the wasteland as much as any fanboy. Star Wars Battlefront looks pretty awesome as well, though considering how badly DICE screwed up the launch

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of Battlefield 4, I’m not getting my hopes up too high. There’s also the open-world insanity of Just Cause 3, which should be nothing but pure joy from the looks of the footage we’ve seen so far. Xbox owners can also look forward to Halo 5: Guardians, while I sit here and grumble over how there hasn’t been a mainseries Halo game on PC in years. Beyond the dawn of the New Year, there’s still a lot of anticipating to do. Four triple-A series will have new instalments launch within mere weeks of each other during February and March—Deus Ex, Hitman, Mirror’s Edge and Uncharted. That’s a lot of money right there. There are still plenty of games we don’t even know the release dates of yet, but are sure to be exciting nonetheless. The procedurally-generated space exploration game No Man’s Sky has been endlessly hyped up since its announcement at E3 2014, and it will be an accomplishment if it is even half as good as the hype suggests. In addition, there’s going to be a new Dark Souls, a new Street Fighter, a new Ratchet and Clank, a new Tomb Raider, and HOLY SHIT DOOM 4. ACTIVATE HYPE THRUSTERS, THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD! Well, as long as they’re actually finished and not broken pieces of shit…

So, um, yeah, I’m pretty excited for the year coming up. I look at the list of upcoming releases, and all I see is the potential for the next period of gaming’s history to be pretty damn great. It’s easy for a lot of people to write gamers off as a bunch of whiny children who complain about every tiny detail when they’re not insulting one another, but that’s because we just want to enjoy our hobby and have fun. As important as I think games can be as an artistic medium, much of the industry is just that: an industry, looking to make money from us, the consumers. If business matters and executive decisions get in the way of our enjoyment of a game, then we’re not going to be too happy. All you really have to do to let the industry know you won’t stand for bullshit is vote with your wallet, and while it can be hard to do in the face of incredible hype, it can be done. Support the good, reject the crap, and have fun while doing it.

issue 25

Books

Books.

Thanks to Vic Books for providing a copy to review

Jayne Mulligan

I had planned to write on Patti Smith’s new book, M Train, this week. I had schmoozed a rep at Allen & Unwin to convince her I should get an advance copy. Days later it arrived, and I began. I had a list of books to read; I had a planned schedule, and M Train was on its way to being the finale. I boasted to my die-hard Patti Smith-fan friend, flippantly proclaimed “I don’t think it’s as good as Just Kids”, was met with shock, and immediately regretted my snap judgement. Embarrassed, I focused on the book, eschewed any Just Kids comparisons that drifted distractingly, and let it become what it became. Tales of her adventures, her coffee drinking; privy to her memories, I was getting sucked in. Until I lost it. Literally lost it. I can’t find it. I never lose things, let alone a book. And there’s not that many locations I either visit or take books to. Since losing M Train, I’ve been completely distracted from reading; I haven’t read in weeks. I start books and don’t pay attention to what I’m reading, close them and feel uninspired to continue. It’s a post misplaced M Train malaise. Over the weekend I was listening to James Wood (New Yorker writer, eminent literary critic and novelist) talk to Kim Hill about his memoir(ish) book, among other things. Many things they talked about resounded with me greatly. He confessed to being the type of person who puts a book down 100 pages in and often does not look back. I am guilty of the same thing; I read so many books at anyone time and rarely finish all of them. Woods laments the dying breed of slow readers, whose slower pace allows them to properly pay attention. I am an unfortunately slow reader; I take a while to make my way through books. But our eagerness to digest things rapidly is seeing a trend away from people reading in general. There’s so much else we can do to entertain ourselves. He observes that newer generations of students coming through his classes aren’t as well-read as he once was. Despite my slight aversion to the term “well-read” and the snobbery that it emanates, I see his point. I really do. I am a shining example of this. I missed a whole bunch of the classics. I have a hugely lacking back catalogue of books, especially for an English Literature student. Pharrell Williams is turning his song Happy into a children’s book—I don’t really get what it will end up like or how it will be translated to book form. But in the trailer (again, huh?) for the book, he asks a kid why she likes reading. “Because I get to explore and see what I can find in books and learn something from it,” she says. Too bloody profound.

So this summer—after the exams have wound up, you’ve drunk your sorrows away, and started your mindless summer job—find time for reading. And pay attention to it. Take the ideas of James Wood, and Pharrell Williams, and try to pay attention to books, because the worlds you explore might teach you things you didn’t know that you didn’t know.

Here is what I will be reading this summer: 1. Men Explain Things To Me—Rebecca Solnit Rebecca Solnit is one of the strongest current nonfiction writers; she finds a balance of poeticism and honesty. The namesake essay based on “mansplaining” impacted 2014 in a big way. Here the essay that even Beyoncé was influenced by is alongside her other essays that deal with contemporary feminism. 2. The Secret History—Donna Tartt I have been told and told again to read this book. It so happens that feeling completely lost and uninspired by your current reading enterprises is the perfect moment to start (in my case at least). It’s already hooked me, with a strange elitist air, a mystery, and a fantastic style of writing. 3. The Fame Lunches: On Wounded Icons, Money, Sex, the Brontës, and the Importance of Handbags—Daphne Merkin. The opening essay, which I have read, looks at Marilyn Monroe’s desperation. This is an excellent book to keep on your bedside table, to dip in and out of, and consider the world of celebrities in a new way. 4. Junky—William Burroughs I heard a radio show where Iggy Pop hosted several authors and scholars alike discussing burroughs on his, like maybe, 100th birthday? It was fantastic, and I needed to read Burroughs. I had never known his story, or how he fit. To follow—The Naked Lunch. 5.The Alchemist —Paulo Coelho This book is meant to, literally, change your life. It’s also one of the best selling books of all time—so I don’t know how I didn’t catch this earlier.

editor@salient.org.nz

Music

salient

The sound of 2015 (so far) Kate Robertson and Josh Ellery

If Christmas can commence three months early then so to can an annual music wrap-up. Kate Robertson and Josh Ellery bring you the finest stand-alone tracks and LPs of the year so far.

The songs your playlist needs: “Trap Queen”—Fetty Wap 1738! Although Fetty’s “Trap Queen” technically came out in 2014, it rose to popularity this year. Fetty Wap is an interesting vocalist in that he’s not quite a rapper or a singer, but some sort of weird trap-inflected hybrid of the two. “Trap Queen” is an absolute monster of a track with a killer hook. Give the album a spin if you haven’t already.—JE

that give the song a real air of confusion that culminates in this perfect piece of music.—KR

grows, I would seriously consider sacrificing a limb to hear this absolute beast of a song played to a sold out arena.—KR

“Cool It”—She’s So Rad

“Omen”—Disclosure & Sam Smith

Another track that technically came out in 2014, but rose to prominence on this year’s Tango. In my opinion, “Cool It” is among the best songs to come out of New Zealand in recent years—it’s lush, it has a stellar vocal, and successfully utilizes a glam-rock style guitar solo in a non-ironic way. An absolutely stunning song from a stunning album.—JE

The dream-team from “Latch” reunited for “Omen”, and I love it. I’m biased towards Sam Smith—I can’t get enough of his voice—but the track itself is worthy of critical acclaim. “Omen”, despite Caracal’s other tracks, builds on the 90s house and electronic influences deployed by Disclosure on Settle. “Omen” is a brilliant electronic pop jam.—JE

“Norf Norf”—Vince Staples “The Hills”—The Weeknd The harsh honesty with which the lyrics are told will enrage you, but you’ll keep listening because you’re hooked. Laced with screams and straight out of a slasher film, the slow, brooding track chills you to the bone and seems to epitomise the album’s namesake— Beauty Behind the Madness.—KR

“King Kunta”—Kendrick Lamar Way cool to see Kendrick crack the mainstream with “King Kunta”. One of my initial thoughts of To Pimp A Butterfly was that there was no real stand-out radio single on the album, but “King Kunta” has proven to be a huge party anthem. Definitely my favourite rap track of the year.—JE

One of rap music’s hottest acts right now, 2015 has been career-defining for the 22year old Cali native. Where a lot of young rappers can sound painfully similar, Staples separates himself with clean lines and a strong narrative. “Norf Norf ” is catchy, but by no means weak. A definite summer staple if you’re yet to indulge in it.—KR

“Pedestrian at Best”—Courtney Barnett A classic Courtney Barnett track from an album that proved solid. “Pedestrian At Best” features typically snarky and witty Barnett poetry, the major draw-card of her music. She snarls over a much more rockinflected backing than we’re used to hearing, and it works. Good shit, Courtney.—JE

”Multi-Love”—Unknown Mortal Orchestra

“What Went Down”—Foals

Winner of the nation’s highest songwriting accolade—the APRA Silver Scroll—it would be rude to let “Multi-Love” slide by unnoticed. Ironically upbeat keys and percussion juxtapose incredibly raw lyrics

At risk of releasing another album that sounded just like all their others, Foals grabbed everyone’s attention when they released one of the most powerful rock songs of 2015. A slow burner that grows and

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Song of the year

“Where Are Ü Now?”—Jack Ü feat. Justin Bieber Certified pop gold, this bop takes the title uncontested. Released in March, the magic of this song was the fact that no one was expecting it. Right out of left field Jack Ü (aka Skrillex and Diplo) re-launched Bieber’s career and solidified their superstar producer status. In an environment where three years later we’re still being bombarded with electro-pop Lorde wannabes, this track redirects and instead roots itself in an unusual yet perfect R&B/mixed pop parallel universe. You can fight it all you want, but Bieber has hit new highs and this song for him has proven career defining.—KR

issue 25

Music

The albums your collection needs:

Alternative Album of the Year

The Top 40 Pick

Sometimes I Sit and Think, And Sometimes I Just Sit— Courtney Barnett

How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful—Florence + the Machine You love them, your Mum loves them, and your super alty flatmate probably loves them too (even if they won’t admit it). I don’t have many words to work with so I’ll sum it up like this—anthems upon anthems upon anthems. Get it in you.—KR

Rap Album of the Year To Pimp A Butterfly— Kendrick Lamar Probably the best rap album of the decade so far, Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp A Butterfly is an absolute monster. It’s impossible to understate its importance, both thematically and sonically, and subsequently this album has been met with appropriate adoration from critics and fans alike. A modern classic.—JE

Most Overrated Caracal—Disclosure There can be no denying that Disclosure are a well-oiled machine, but in this case their obsession with perfection has let them down. High-profile guest vocalists feel exhausting and the songs where Guy and Howard’s vocals stand-alone are ironically the strongest. It’s a catchy album, but not really worthy of the hype we’re giving it.—KR

Comeback of the Year Compton—Dr. Dre After 16 years without a major solo release, Dr. Dre came back with a vengeance this year, and the world is a better place for it. Not only was Compton a dope record, but it also added a sense of finality and closure to a near-perfect trio of albums from Dre.—JE

For us plebs, it’s hard to figure out how Barnett managed to write an entire album about seemingly ordinary moments, but she did, and it’s goddamn brilliant. It’s rough around the edges and has a grungey alt-rock feel about it that separates her from her current industry counterparts. Hey Courts, pls write another album soon.—KR

Most Underrated Tango—She’s So Rad Criminally underrated in a global sense, She’s So Rad’s sophomore effort Tango is one of my favorites of the year. The lush, shoegaze-inflected arrangements on Tango are as exciting and urgent sounding as any band in the world. If you haven’t heard Tango, stop mucking round and crack into it, you’ll love it.—JE

All 9 tracks on Multi-Love are perfectly well-rounded alternative pop songs— particularly the Silver Scroll winning title track. This is the most exciting New Zealand album I’ve heard in a while and I can’t wait to see what Unknown Mortal Orchestra do next.—JE

EP of the Year M3LL155X—FKA Twigs This EP is sex. If you can’t (consensually) seduce someone with this playing in the background then I’m sorry but all hope is lost. R&B melodies layered with electronic distortions and glassy vocals, M3LL155X delves into the world of submission, dominance and sexual agency, and culminates in a true whimsical masterpiece if ever I heard one.—KR

Album of the Year

Rock Album of the Year Viet Cong—Viet Cong Well-penned lyrics and a creative manipulation of sound make these guys the definite dark horse of 2015. From the second the first song starts, it booms—there’s no better adjective to describe it. The closing track “Death” comes in at a whopping 11 minutes and will shake you to the bone. Start to finish this album delivers and will please hipsters and bogans alike.—KR

New Zealand Album of the Year Multi-Love—Unknown Mortal Orchestra

In Colour—Jamie xx This was our undisputed favourite of the year. In Colour is a gem because it has something for everyone. For the critics, it is a startlingly creative piece of work, featuring quirky choices of instrumentation and sampling. For the easy-going listener, this is a cohesive album of 11 outstandingly solid tracks, and for people our age that’s more or less an ideal album. While Jamie xx does utilise some left-field choices for collaborators, the execution is flawless (shout-out to Young Thug). I love In Colour, and although it seemed like an agonising wait for a Jamie xx solo album, it definitely lived up to the hype.—JE

Multi-Love is the sort of album that shows New Zealanders are truly in the upper echelons of the independent music world. editor@salient.org.nz

Film

Sicario Directed by Denis Villeneuve

Stephen Hay Since being nominated for an Oscar for his disturbing historical melodrama Incendies, Denis Villeneuve has become the go-to director for disconcerting, dark and complex films. Sicario builds on his psychological thrillers Prisoners and Enemy, but takes take the same level of unnerving stories and artfully mixes it into the American war on drugs. The film follows Kate, an FBI agent (Emily Blunt), who is recruited in a murky government anti-drug task force headed by a CIA operative ( Josh Brolin) and his mysterious right hand man (Benicio Del Toro). As the task force engages in militarised actions and tortures prisoners, Kate finds it difficult to justify its activities both legally and ethically. The story is kept very basic, but despite this, it is incredibly tense and engaging. This really is a filmmaker’s film, in that it is all about the craft. The acting from the three leads is outstanding, with Blunt and Del Toro now leading Oscar contenders. As a director, Villeneuve is simply brilliant at creating set pieces and action scenes. He builds up the suspense slowly, letting the audience see all the pieces come together, then he hits you with sudden bursts of violence. All this is perfectly set to an incredibly unique and evocative film score by Icelandic composer Jóhann Jóhannsson. To say the score is moody, dark and filled with tension would be a massive understatement. However, the real star of Sicario is veteran cinematography Roger Deakins. The use of aerial shots to create awe-inspiring action scenes, filming in the most stunningly gorgeous night-vision ever put to film, and capturing the most impressive sunset in a movie since Kurosawa’s Kagemusha makes Sicario a visual feast. This is a bold and confident film about how the American foreign policy that we have all become so familiarly with in the Middle East is also applied to Mexican drug cartels with similar results. Sicario is not without its faults. It portrayal of the Mexican city of Juárez makes it look like a war-ridden hellscape, despite the reality that its murder rate is actually lower than many American cities. However, the film’s general message that the War On Drugs has long since failed, and its more specific message that the cartels and people connected to the American militarily are benefiting from it, is not lost. More importantly, these messages are covered in one of the most beautiful and thrilling films of the year. www.salient.org.nz

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Amy Directed by Asif Kapadia

Ellen O’Dwyer-Cunliffe Amy may initially seem unappealing. Another exposé of a star’s demise, another adventure into the dark, grimy tabloids. But this documentary of Amy Winehouse, directed by Asif Kapadia, is not so simple. Like Kapadia’s previous work, Senna, the film is interested in a talented, intriguing character, but seeks to recover the person who lay behind the blaring paparazzi onslaught, the artist who disappeared into the lights. It creates a more complete picture of an artist, and so it is more complicated and painful. From the beginning, Kapadia uses a huge amount of home video footage from family, friends and colleagues, and interviews them extensively. But the interviewees remain behind the images, creating an uninterrupted intimacy with Amy. You can’t help but warm to her brightness and humour, and the certain shyness and charisma which can often coincide in an artist. The film is particularly good at showing Amy’s early performances in small clubs, where there’s warmth and joy in her musicality, an emotional force in the voice linked to a deep affinity of jazz. There, in her demeanour, you can see what her pianist recounts—that she had a pure relationship to music, an emotional relationship, that she needed it like it was a person. It seems as if there are two halves of the film, lightness preceding a descent. Though there are signs of depression and escapism early on, Amy’s spark is still there. But as the film continues, it becomes very dark. When Back to Black explodes, cocaine and heroin addiction take over and the fame machine gets so loud it drowns out the music. Simultaneously, there is the enveloping but destructive love between Amy and her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. Kapadia provides real footage of the paparazzi hunt; the constant burst of jarring lights is overwhelming. It’s a strange and unnerving reality, and the audience feels involved in the madness. Painfully, Amy becomes physically smaller in front of us. The film brings you close to the sadness, the addiction, the unwanted fame of her later years—a chaotic, relentless spiral that turned itself over and over again until it just couldn’t turn anymore. Regardless of whether you are a fan of Amy Winehouse or not, Amy is a humane, sorrowful portrait. Kapadia is interested in knowing his subject in the most authentic way and revealing her to his audience. In this way the film grasps you, and shocks you, making you feel keenly for someone you never knew.

issue 25

Film

The Best, So Far Hamish Popplestone

The Intern Directed by Nancy Meyers

½ Sarah Dillon This isn’t a review: I’m too emotionally involved. Here’s the thing about this film. I thought it was going to be a safe watch. I mean, Nancy Meyers, right? She wrote The Holiday, which I unashamedly pronounce my all-time favourite good-bad Christmas film. It started with a male voice-over, and that’s what I was expecting from the whole thing. It was going to be a nice fluffy film with too much about the boring old guy and some hyper-stereotypical power woman. It’s not. And maybe don’t go, if that’s what you’re expecting. I thought Anne Hathaway was the wrong pick for the savvy CEO role, but it turns out she’s perfect, because Jules is smart, driven, vulnerable and struggling. She’s trying to be the perfect 21st-century woman, and Meyers wants to push a conversation about what that looks like: how do you have a job and a husband and daughter? How do you be all things to all people all the time? It’s pretty heavyhanded, but surprisingly heartfelt. There’s a scene in the film where de Niro’s character, Ben, and Jules are sitting in a hotel room, and Jules breaks down over her family life. “You know me, Ben,” she sobs, “I’m not easy.” No, that doesn’t mean what you’re thinking. She’s talking about being someone who’s hard to deal with: the classic “high maintenance” woman. This is, of course, where your humble reviewer had to hold off the tears (in the name of professionalism) and make her way to the bathroom not-too-quickly after the film ended in order to start sobbing. Because here’s the thing: Meyers presents us with a real woman here, something all too rare. And sure, the character still plays into certain tropes, and there’s weird mental illness jokes, and the soundtrack is hideous, but at the end of the day, there’s something that hits home about this film. So here’s to you, Nancy Meyers. Here’s to us— the women who aren’t easy. But especially the women who write characters like us, because in today’s Hollywood, that sure as hell can’t be fun either.

Thanks to Reading Cinemas Courtnay for providing double tickets this week

Imagine a “Best Movies of 2015” list, conceived before half of the best movies of the year have even hit the big screen. Yup, here it is! 1. Mad Max: Fury Road In a year dominated by a resurgence in movie franchises, the Mad Max revival came out on top. It’s an atypical masterpiece: the eccentricities in characters, unremitting action sequences, and dystopian setting went through the blender and poured out unique cinema that puts a woman in the driver’s seat of a movie named after its male lead, and delivers lunacy that has a serious medical impact on the viewer’s testosterone levels. 2. Ex Machina A Frankenstein-esque story superbly written for the age of artificial intelligence. Its small budget gave more heartbeats per dollar than any of its big budget co-movies this year. 3. Selma Based on the Selma to Montgomery voting right marches of 1965, Selma showcases A+ acting in a political story that never feels prescriptive. It’s suspenseful, rhetorical, and epic. 4. The Martian Similar to Gravity in its out-in-space exposition, dedication to scientific accuracy, and constant gravitational pull to the edge of your seat. Not similar to Gravity in its greater use of Matt Damon, greater use of comedy, and more satisfying narrative. 5. Straight Outta Compton No-one expected this enthralling biopic to mimic the underground success story of Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, and Eazy-E in their undertaking to become some of the most influential artists in hip-hop. It captured the most interesting fraction of their lives and the best part is that you don’t have to like hip-hop to like this movie. 6. Jurassic World The highest grossing movie so far. Jurassic World distracted us from a dead plot with sublime CGI dinos and references to the original that made us feel nostalgic and warm inside, which was all we cared about. 7. Mission: Impossible: Rogue Nation The fifth instalment in 20 years and easily the best one for its ironyladen old-school action sequences, plot twists and motifs. It would be better if the film series just matured and stopped calling Tom Cruise “Ethan Hunt”, which confuses us into thinking that Cruise doesn’t commit eccentric, nonsensical stunts on a day-to-scientologist-day basis in his personal life, but, other than that, no complaints about this film. Worst movies: Tomorrowland, Minions, Pitch Perfect 2, 50 Shades of Grey, and Jupiter Ascending. editor@salient.org.nz

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Science 2015: Year in Review Bridget Pyć Online data suggests that in 2015, the number of people worldwide who fucking love science has risen above 22 million. It appears that science is slowly veering away from its reputation as the pimpled Rubik’s Cube player in the room, and towards a vibe more along the lines of “sophisticated man at a whisky bar with an understanding of the world”. Here at Salient, we’ve had a great time bringing you the sometimes serious, sometimes ridiculous and always last minute, news in science. To conclude our year together, we present to you some of our favourite headlines from science around the globe in 2015.

Large Hard-on Collider Hawking Won Hearts and Continued Being Oops. Typo. That title was meant to read “Large Hadron Collider”. We certainly Badass wouldn’t be trying to make science cool using immature sexual innuendos. But now that we have your attention…

On 5 April the Large Hadron Collider was switched back on after two years of inactivity. The LHC reached peak levels of fame in 2012 with the detection of the Higgs Boson, the subatomic particle credited with giving other particles mass. After its two-year makeover, the LHC got back in the game quickly, smashing particles together at speeds greater than ever before. It wasn’t long before the LHC was back in the news again, this time for the discovery of a new species of sub-atomic particle—the pentaquark—an exotic particle arrangement of five quarks. Quarks are the most fundamental building blocks known to man, and the six different types have been named by physicists as: up, down, strange, charm, top and bottom. (Note: this has been known to crop up as a question in a Wellington pub quiz). Commonly accepted theory has long suggested that it is the combination of three quarks that make up well known particles such as the proton and neutron, but until July this year, there had been no hard evidence of a five quark combination. Physicists are hoping that the discovery of the pentaquark will yield greater insight into what was happening in the first fractions of a second following the Big Bang. www.salient.org.nz

In 2014, women around the world developed a newfound crush on both physics and Stephen Hawking as a result the film The Theory of Everything. In 2015 Hawking surprised many by revoking elements of his previous reservations about searching for extraterrestrial life. In a press conference in London on July 20, Hawking, along with Russian Billionaire Yuri Milner, announced a new $100 million initiative looking for signs of intelligent life. This came as a surprise to many as Hawking has long been vocal with his concerns about the discovery of alien life. As Hawking said during the press conference, “If you look at history, contact between humans and less intelligent organisms have often been disastrous from their point of view, and encounters between civilisations with advanced versus primitive technologies have gone badly for the less advanced.” He continued to explain that other civilisations could be billions of years ahead of us, and if so, “will be vastly more powerful, and may not see us as any more valuable than we see bacteria”. Although these concerns remain entirely valid, Hawking explained in his always beautifully concise manner, that “We are alive. We are intelligent. We must know.”

Real Guys Go for Real Down to Mars Girls On 28 August six scientists—three men and three women—locked themselves inside an 11-metre-wide dome on a volcano in Hawaii. This is no hula vacation. The team will be in there for an entire year, isolated from the rest of the world in an attempt to simulate the realities of life as a colony on Mars, in preparation for a potential mission in the near future. Plans to establish a human settlement on Mars have been discussed for quite some time now, and this is not the first time Salient has reported on this; however, with NASA’s recent discovery of flowing liquid water on Mars, human life on Mars is looking more feasible than ever. Yet just days after NASA broke the incredible news that the evidence now strongly suggested the presence of flowing water on Mars, they declared that Mars rover Curiosity would not be able to go near that water to investigate any further. Despite the robot’s fascinating successes to date, there is a high risk that Curiosity is contaminated with microbial matter from Earth. Essentially, although a fantastic scientist, Curiosity hasn’t had a bath for over three years, and a United Nations treaty prevents it from contaminating life-giving water on Mars with bacteria, especially as Mars may be the future home of a number of scientists in as little as 15 years.

issue 25

Bacon Seaweed is the New Kale

Pluto, Baby, I’m Sorry —I Want You back

I Tried Really Hard Not to Include This One

That kale craze that happened was mental, and although at the moment it appears that Instagramming about pepperoni pizza is on the rise, the long term trends suggest that the health food fad is here to stay. So, what comes next? Well, apparently, bacon-flavoured seaweed.

Poor Pluto has been strung around by us on Earth for a number of years now, and 2015 proved no different. Pluto was discovered by in 1930, and spent a period of relative bliss as the smallest planet in our solar system and the ninth planet from the sun, but was demoted from its planetary status in 2006. The rejection came following the discovery of an object located beyond Pluto, which was suspected to be a larger planet; this sparked a discussion about what should classify as a planet, and eventually Pluto was kicked out of the category. However, in July this year, NASA’s New Horizons mission was able to finally answer the question “How big is Pluto?” As it turns out, bigger than we thought in 2006 when we rejected it, and certainly larger than any other known objects in the solar system beyond the orbit of Neptune. Many of us got our hopes up, thinking this could mean Pluto would be welcomed back into the cool kids club; but alas, it wasn’t enough. Although the New Horizon flyby provided some stunningly detailed photographs of the icy planet, Pluto remains a dwarf planet.

Salient science works hard to present science in a positive and engaging manner, but sometimes you have to be real, and we’d be lying if we didn’t address the fact that one of the most prominent science issues of 2015 was climate change. Let’s take a look at some of the climate change news from this year.

Scientists at Oregon State University are in the process of cultivating a red algae called dulse, which is packed with more nutrients than kale, yet naturally tastes like bacon. Dulse had been available for human consumption for a long time now, but costs around $200 per kilogram—i.e. more than a basic bitch is willing to spend on a gram-worthy lunch that may or may not crack 100 likes. So it is here that the science teams step in. New strains of the superfood are being developed and patented, which will make the seaweed easily to cultivate with only seawater and sunshine, and without a large ecological footprint.

January 7: a new model suggests that if we want global warming to be kept lower than 2°C this century, then we need to keep over 80% of our coal, 50% of our gas, and 30% of our oil reserves in the ground. May 14: researchers confirm that “strong warming” is already taking place in the upper troposphere. May 15: reports suggest that two large ice shelves in the Antarctic are on the brink of collapse, a threat which could potentially add several centimetres to global sea levels. Today: science columnist Bridget Pyć asks Vic students to please take responsibility for your actions and contributions to sustainability and climate change. You all know what to do. editor@salient.org.nz

Visual Arts

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I don’t get it. Sharon Lam For the final issue of the year, now is probably a good time to admit something—I don’t get it. Modern art, the local art “scene”, the lengthy convoluted descriptions and reviews—I don’t get any of it. I’ve really only been pretending to be interested in art for the free wine and cheese at openings. All the “profound” experiences of art I’ve had? Probably just indigestion. The assemblage of the gallery experience— the high ceilings, its financial foundation and white walls make it far too easy to be fooled into thinking something should be revered because someone else has paid for it to be placed there. And yet people love being complicit in this charade—populous are the art reviews and artist statements praising something for its [insert four syllable word here] use of [another four syllable word] in a manner not dissimilar to [name drop here]. Gallery goers read these wanky drivels and feel obliged to nod, go “hmm, yes”, “I see it now”.

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I urge you to not do this. The pretentious complicity of “creatives” is so boring and so excluding; do not feed into it. Ask yourself: do these two neon tubes actually stand for anything? Is this black-and-white photograph of a woman’s neck actually cool? Does this pile of dirt really stand as a metaphor for the human condition? Take a step back and ask, so what? A good piece of art feeds into you some sort of sensation because something about it is relevant—it is somehow significant, triggers something of the experience of being a modern human, whether political or emotional. It is important to admit that most pieces of art that we see aren’t able to do this! Art should be able to make you smile, cry, puke, faint, laugh or scream without having to consult someone’s interpretation with a dictionary in hand. It doesn’t matter what someone wrote about it, it doesn’t matter if it was done by some apparently esteemed artist you’ve never heard of, and it doesn’t matter if it’s all about what it represents. If it makes

you furrow your eyebrows, sigh, or look around the room to see how other people are reacting to it, accept that it’s just not very good before you pretend that you also “get it”. There is good art out there, and it can enrich your life. But not all the art out there is good. Networking, money, privilege and a whole bunch of other non-artistic conditions have played a part of the piece’s journey to the gallery. Unfortunately there is no prerequisite for all paintings to be able to make someone cry before they can be displayed. So from one confused art viewer to another, please question everything, do not fall victim to structural wankiness, and please be absolutely shameless in making the most of free food and alcohol at openings.

issue 25

Fashion

Tragic Trends of 2015—a year in retrospect Jess Scott

Visual crimes I witnessed this year but ran out of Salient issues to individually dissect so had to compact into a single slander-fest: Activewear in non-active contexts/“doing literally nothing in my activewear” (I hope you all get the reference) Leggings as pants are horrendous enough, let alone leggings specifically designed to be worn during exercise and thus made of that horrible spandex stuff as pants. It feels almost comparable to wearing pyjamas in public? There is a time and a place for everything (except perhaps shirts with memes on them) and activewear outside of the gym is simply not acceptable. You truly do not have to wander about looking like a soccer mom, complete with visor, puffer vest and a soy cappuccino for everyone to know you shop at lululemon, you could just Instagram your #fitspo #lululemon #summerbod gym expedition like a normal person. *Disclaimer: I am possibly not an expert on exercise attire as I have never in my life owned any form of activewear. My parents have had a gym in their house for the past 12 years and I have used it once. If I were to want to do physical activity, it would have to be in 5 inch platform sneakers. Puffer vests Possibly worse than puffer jackets, because your arms are still exposed, defeating the purpose of looking like a human marshmallow because you aren’t even being kept that toasty (I am hilarious). Nike sneakers I realise that this is a rampantly unpopular opinion but why are shoes which really should be banished exclusively to the realms of sporting attire being worn on a casual basis (says the girl wearing 6 inch heels on a casual basis)??? #1 way to ruin a cute outfit is to pair it with an ugly as fuck pair of chunky

white sneakers?? Nike Huaraches are quite literally the most hideous shoes I have ever seen in my entire life, with the exception of Crocs. Why do you hate yourselves?

onlookers that you have absolutely no sense of individuality, especially when you travel in a posse wearing identical outfits (acceptable only if you are in a girl band).

The death of the septum

Karen Walker Super Fine rings

Something that used to be super edgy and subversive which has been dragged into the mainstream and utterly slandered. Even last year, if one had a septum piercing, they used to be able to wear absolutely anything, even pyjama pants and flip flops, and still look really ridiculously cool, but now every fifteen year old with a passable feigned parental consent note has one. Next thing you know Equip will be stocking them and my gran will be calling me to ask how they work and if she is too old for one (I wish I was joking—she has already done so concerning metallic temporary tattoos and ear cuffs). Septum piercings have grown so overdone and tired that they’ve become almost totally devoid of their initial cool—they are the new pink hair. I literally know a couple who just got his-and-hers septum piercings; if that doesn’t demarcate the loss of hipster cred, I don’t know what does.

The KW Super Fine series is so exquisitely, painfully passé. If you are able to play Karen Walker bingo with your best friend, flatmates, ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and five other girls in your tutorial because you’re all wearing the same five rings, you may be doing something wrong. Meadowlark, Stolen Girlfriends Club, Zoe & Morgan and Nick Von K all have similar sized/style rings, branch out! Explore the outer limits of your own individual identity, dare to wear jewellery that hasn’t been validated by the fact that 100,000 other people own the same piece.

*Disclaimer—I may be the tiniest bit salty that they look totally ridiculous on me and that I will never be able to truly reach my art hoe potential. T-shirt dresses/shift dresses They are literally shapeless rectangles with arm holes.

sack-like

Massively overdrawn lips/attempts to emulate Kylie Jenner’s cosmetic surgery with lip liner I am 180% for the power of makeup but if you have to draw on a facial feature, you probably weren’t supposed to have aforementioned facial feature. “Basic” uniform The ubiquitous striped shirt, leather-look jeans and Nike Roshe combination (see prior rant) which clearly communicates to

Top knots/man buns Unless you have the chiselled jawline of a Greek god, this is an absolutely terrible look. Also the fact that one can purchase a clip-on hair extension man bun from ASOS suggests that they have well and truly been and gone. Flares WHY ARE THESE COMING BACK?! Kindly remain in the seventies, where you belong, to serve as a reminder of the negative repercussion of taking excessive quantities of hallucinogenic substances then dressing yourself. Five panels *insert drawn-out non-verbal expression of distaste* White jeans As soon as I wrote a column on these, I started noticing them everywhere. How does one even keep these clean? Would you have to carry household bleach in a spray bottle to ensure you didn’t tarnish the pristine whiteness every time you sat down? editor@salient.org.nz

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Comics

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issue 25

Puzzles

Savage

‘Combo No. 5’ The final answer to this puzzle is hinted at by the five long down entries

Target goals Pretty good—25 Solid—29 Great—33

Issue 24 Solutions:

Check salient. org.nz/ puzzlesolutions for the answer to this weeks puzzles

Across 1. What it means is that Salient blows (7) 5. Chopped with a cutlass, by the sounds of it (5) 8. Curve is the focus of 14-Across (3) 9. Demolishing the western end of a British pier? Radical! (5,2) 10. Detests swimming heats (5) 11. Initially the outer extremity is part of a foot (3) 12. Cry heard in church: “Who’s Annabella hiding?” (7) 14. Goosestep around the outskirts of Marble Arch (5) 16. Apple voice comes back with flower (4) 17. (with 24-Down and 26-Down) Italian counts, Green Day drummer follow pair after card game (3,3,3) 18. Endlessly stare in wonder before a controversial strip (4) 21. Succeed well, putting the halves of a Coen Brothers film in the wrong order (2,3) 22. We chop steak most poorly (7) 23. Director Roth destroying outsides of relic (3) 24. Sad song returns energy to part of this crossword (5) 25. Noose part of a suit (7) 27. I penetrate singer Lang to produce child (3) 28. Britpop band’s watering hole (5) 29. Writhing gift is snake (7) Down 1. Revolving near light, as one from this planet (9) 2. Yank stomach up (3) 3. Say ominously “Stat for a very dumb D&D character” (6) 4. ‘Black Magic Woman’ guitarist takes one and reels in California breezes (5,3,5) 5. Cunning plan for science class in the Southeast (6) 6. Regatta we organise for famed Washington hotel (9) 7. Vicious rising of insult (3) 13. Ends of typographical flourishes going airborne on fighter planes (9) 15. Breathe erratically at sign of life (9)

19. Nerds surrounding the start of rites for Icarus and Daedalus (6) 20. Sign of disease? (6) 24. See 17-Across 26. See 17-Across Quick clues Across 1. Requires (7) 5. Felled a tree (5) 8. Part of a circle (3) 9. Very precise (5,2) 10. Abhors (5) 11. Hallux, for one (3) 12. Cry of religious exultation (7) 14. Military exercise (5) 16. Spring flower (4) 17. (With 24-Down and 26-Down) Start of Italian counting (3,3,3) 18. Site of Middle Eastern unrest (4) 21. Make it big (2,3) 22. Most frail (7) 23. Horror director Roth (3) 24. Funeral music (5) 25. Item of formalwear (7) 27. Goat’s offspring (3) 28. Britpop band (5) 29. Snake, olden-style (7) Down 1. Person from our planet, in sci-fi (9) 2. Pull on (3) 3. Chant (6) 4. Dry California breezes (5,3,5) 5. Ruse (6) 6. Hotel associated with Nixon (9) 7. Insult, slangily (3) 13. British WWII fighter planes (9) 15. Cardiac tempo (9) 19. Citizens of Athens (6) 20. Sign before Leo (6) 24. See 17-Across 26. See 17-Across

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Victoria University

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