Winter 2021: The Pandemic Issue II - For Better or Worse by Salterrae

Winter 2021

2021:

Th e Pa n d e m i c Is s u e I I

For Better or Worse

table of contents...

the ghosts of trinity by malcolm s. [poet laureate]

2021 by maja s. [editor’s note]

day in the life by samuel m. [staff article]

v(old)gue by cory b. [staff article]

global mourning by isabella s. [staff article]

coping mechanisms by zayd d. [photography column] 2

2020’s tunes for salts by ani k. [music column]

how to move on by megan h. [first year column]

new year, not-so roaring twenties by leyla v. [fashion column]

good ideas, bad ideas by the 172nd speaker [staff article]

new year, same planet by jess h. [staff article]

salty, sexy suggestions by barb & carol [sex column]

what vaccine your zodiac sign really needs by archana r. [horoscopes]

The We place our ears to our doors, we peer our eyes around corners. Our footfalls are swift, our voices are murmurs, Living in fear and hunting with fervor. A report of the damage would make the palest faces blanche: Avalanches of killer snow from the roof, beef bourguignon served with Ranch,

Ghosts

A supernatural force under each Ouija planche…

Firetrucks full of holy water flood the halls of St. Hilda’s, Hosing away the terrible sights that bewilder: Empty Strachan, virtual Lits, each floor of rez its own private villa.

Lark, the ghosts of Trinity haunt us,

Lark, we are at their mercy. Our hands are tied, nothing to do but cuss, A TCM motion is all we can discuss! by Malcolm Standing

Trinity 3

Dearest Trinity, We’ve said a sour goodbye to 2020 and a cautious hello to the new year. Now part-way through 2021, I think it’s safe to say we’re committed. For better, for worse, in sickness and in health? Questions that seem painfully fitting for our new relationship. Guess we’ll have to wait and see which side we end up on this year. Reflections, many words of advice, and an appreciation of the fashion icon who emerged from a certain president’s recent inauguration all await you in the pages following. Have a break. Have a Kit Kat. Oh, and have a look at The Pandemic Issue II. Cheers and happy reading, Maja Soltysiak Editor-in-Chief

Editor’s Note The Team Senior Design Editor Mary Danesh Senior Copy Editor Nika Gottlieb Editor-in-Chief Maja Soltysiak Design Editors Nicholas Chan Victoria Fortuna

Copy Editors Anika Gupta Ani Khachatrian R’na Shah Photography Zayd Diz Treasurer Cali Sherriff

Contributing Writers Ms. Barb Ms. Carol Cory Benson Nika Gottlieb Megan Horsthuis Jess Horton Ani Khachatrian Samuel Mikhail Archana Raguparan Isabella Sell Malcolm Standing Leyla Verdier

By: Samuel Mikhail

8:00 am on a casual Wednesday morning: I snooze my alarm 3 times, eventually pick my phone up, and before I know it, it’s 9:00 am. I went to sleep at 2:00 am because I was listening to 808s & Heartbreak while editing my biology assignment. Sounds boring, I know, but what did you expect from a Zoom student that isn’t living on campus? I’m not one of those delinquents who travels to Florida and posts it on TikTok. Or am I? After finally getting out of my bed, I brush my teeth; this is a very important moment in my day. During those 2 minutes, plenty of thoughts cross my mind. When I start brushing my teeth, I don’t know what I’ll end up with. Sometimes it’s sparkling clean canines and sometimes it’s 48 unanswered questions that could later lead to an existential crisis. I proceed to consume enough coffee to kill a medium sized cow. As usual, no milk, no sugar. At this point, I realize that I’m an independent adult now, meaning I have responsibilities to get to. First on today’s to-do list, a synchronous math lecture from bed. It is now 10:30 am, and you know exactly what that means. It is time to prepare for my chemistry class by endlessly scrolling through TikTok. My chemistry lecture is in 5 minutes, so I take this precious time to wonder what I would be doing right now if the pandemic miraculously

ended. The possibilities are infinite. Would I be on a beach in Hawaii? On a boat in Monaco? Maybe having some friends over? Actually, I would be touring the University of Toronto’s campus for the first time. Yes, that’s right. I’m almost two semesters into university and I have never seen or stepped foot on my campus.

know I’m eating late today. I always eat late on Wednesdays. Most of my friends grew up in Europe so they eat at 9:00 pm. I can’t eat that late. Besides, every other Wednesday, The Lit is in session at 9:00 pm. No, they didn’t pay me to say that. Happy now, Nika? After having chicken alfredo pasta for dinner, I’m ready to enjoy my evening. Ha! Good one! “Enjoy my evening” is another way of saying “do my assignments and my readings”. After submitting some assignments and scrolling through TikTok, I attend The Lit. Nika, I said it twice, that’ll be twice the charge.

Now that my chemistry lecture has started, I attempt to join. There’s a special level of appreciation in my heart for my professor saying “good morning” to everyone who joined before 12:00 pm, and “”good afternoon to those who joined after. Today, I didn’t get to hear either of those, because my internet decided that I was not worthy of a greeting. It’s now a little past 10:00 pm. This is self-care time. It’s time to take a shower, call some friends, text that girl you miss. Or maybe not. I end Chemistry class has ended and now this self-care session by checking the it’s time to grab a quick bite before 2t4 Facebook group chat. Checking the 3-hour biology lab on Bb Col- this group chat is the equivalent of laborate. If you ever feel like you crossing the street without looking. messed something up, just remem- You’ll either make it across safely or ber that someone out there decided get hit by something you didn’t see it was a good idea to use Bb Col- coming. laborate for online labs. For my lunch, I always try to have a bal- I’ve checked Instagram and TikTok anced meal. Today it’s popcorn. I for 20 minutes and suddenly it’s 2 would have preferred lasagna, but am. I guess this means it’s time to my cooking skills do not stretch go to bed! Now you know what all that far. The online lab was great … my days are like as a student studysaid no one, ever. ing life sciences at U of T. Tomorrow is very different though, I have The clock just hit 6:00 pm, which to catch my flight to Florida. means it’s dinner time. I know, I

V(OLD)GUE

As many of you probably did, I found myself wrapped up in my bed watching good old Joe become inaugurated as the new U.S. president. If you had something else to do, I applaud you. Your bar is much higher than mine, and you have not yet adopted the persona of a grandmother who watches cable TV, eats soup, and waits for someone to call you all day. Regardless, you may have become aware of, and perhaps enthralled, by the fashion icons who rose to new heights in that ceremony. You’ve got your Kamala Harrises; Michelle Obamas, of course; and the up-andcoming Biden granddaughters. But I would be remiss if I failed to mention the true shining star of the evening; one who most likely had Hubert de Givenchy turning in his grave simply because he never achieved being as à la mode. Who am I talking about? The man, the myth, and to all my Bridgerton bingers out there, someone worthy of being our “diamond of the season”: the ever chic Bernie Sanders. Although certainly no Duke of Hastings, our favorite Senior of Burlington has done it again ... brought power to the people. No, not through healthcare, silly but through style - namly, bringing slow fashion to the pedestal it rightfully deserves. Only this suave senator could don those mocha-patterned, upcycled mittens that have garnered international praise. Who else could overcome the classic fashion faux pas of re-wearing his iconic jacket, only to make the look even more delicieux? And tossing away the cliché clutch purse for that statement manilla envelope?? Jaw: dropped. Speech: less. Finally, the time for East-Coast Cabin-core Grandpa vibes to infiltrate the lookbooks of the highest Haute Couture houses has come. And it’s about time! We’ve been long tired of the constant retro styles shoved upon us by fast fashion. Say goodbye to dressing like it’s the 70’s, and say hello to dressing like you’re 70! Gone are the days of shopping at H&M, perusing the aisles at Urban, and searching for that one T-shirt you swear isn’t tacky from Forever 21 even though you and all you friends know it is, but they don’t tell you because they’re

afraid of hurting your feelings because you’ve just gotten out of a toxic relationship and... too accurate? You get the point. Now, we can thank our lovable Bernie for bringing thrifting and sustainability to the forefront of fashion. I mean, what else would you expect from a man hailing from a state that boasts more vintage shops than the Gap? (that’s 50-1 in case you’re curious, your author does do his research). So to all my loyal readers seeing this, close that SHEIN order just waiting in the tab, honey... it’s embarrassing. It’s one thing to have a closet full of clothes made in sweatshops; it’s another to have a wardrobe that’s just sooo last year. So, save yourself the shame and run to that Value Village down the road. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your Etsy, Canadian-made recycled mask with you. Stay sustainably-savvy, Cory Benson <3

The pandemic is coming up on its 1-year anniversary, its presence more overwhelming than ever. Ontario will follow a mandatory stayat-home order for the foreseeable future, while COVID deaths in other countries such as the UK, US and Brazil, continue to rise. The hopes of COVID-19 evaporating into thin air at the strike of the New Year quickly vanished, and with the recent emergence of new variants of the virus, it is clear that it is now a race between the vaccine and the virus. Personally, when I think about the scale of the pandemic and the sheer amount of time that we have been living within its parameters, my brain scrambles. It seems too apocalyptic, too dystopian a plot line to be a 21st century reality. Surely we are living in an Aldous Huxley novel, or a George Orwell setting? Bay Street is empty; the lights traditionally shining from office buildings, now emerging from every apartment in the city. It is becoming increasingly difficult to keep ourselves occupied, and every day serves as the blueprint for the next. I find myself looking for variation in my days, whether this takes the form of receiving an online shopping order or watching the same “comfort” series on Netflix. But in my mind, I’m wholly cognizant of the fact that the day I am currently experiencing will play out in the same way as the day before, and the remainder of the week. I’m not sure what to call this indifference I have to my daily routine, but I think it’s a kind of boredom. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way complaining about the imposed measures; I am wallowing in self-pity.

In fact, the data that has emerged recently shows that we are currently sitting at around 2,000-2,500 cases per day in Ontario; a sharp decrease in the 4,500-5,000 cases that were emerging around the New Year. Even more encouragingly, Toronto and the GTA only constitute around 800 of the new, reduced case number figures. The measures are working, and we are beginning to see the results of their effectiveness. On top of this, the three available vaccines are starting to be rolled out on a larger scale: for example, Canada has vaccinated almost one million residents, while the UK has vaccinated over four million. Perhaps most promisingly, some countries, such as New Zealand and Australia, are now “virus free” and life there has returned to a more recognisable “normal”. What I have tried to capture here is the extent to which the pandemic is a complex being, warping and twisting into different emotions and feelings. It is important to check in with yourself and give yourself reasonable expectations for the day ahead: this will minimise the pressure you will inevitably put on yourself at the end of the day. As I have personally struggled to find variation in my day, I thought I’d list off a few things that I’ve been doing to give my brain a holiday recently.

a *LIST* of some of our favourites (these have been carefully ranked from best to less good): Splendor (2-4 players), Avalon (2-10 players), Sequence (2-12 players), Coup (2-6 players) and Catan (3-4 players). These are great to play to kill time in the evenings, and games such as Sequence and Avalon are perfect for a larger crowd. SPORCLE.COM Sporcle is a trivia site that offers thousands of different quizzes in a diverse range of areas. When I feel my brain has been numbed by too much streaming, Sporcle is an easy way to get the cogs turning again. It’s a great option if you’re not in the same COVID social bubble as those who you’d like to play with: set up a Zoom and compare your results. Or, if you live with others, organise a trivia night using some obscure quizzes on the site. The quizzes vary in length, but are ideal when you’re feeling lethargic, but still want to be productive (eugh we love this state).

PHOTOGRAPHY I recently bought a film camera and have been loving it! Depop and Etsy are perfect for affordable, trusted options for film cameras. Photography has given me a reason to go outside and fill my time: walking down to the Harbourfront or around High Park provides perfect opportuniBOARD GAMES ties for a pic, in addition to being a Sure, Among Us is great, but have good way to hang out with friends you played Splendor? Board games (socially distanced, of course). I also are perfect to play if you live with really like the idea of documenting other people, or in a residence-type this time in lockdown, as I anticipate setting. Treat it as a Snakes & Lattes it’ll be really strange to look back on situation: get some drinks circulating as something we all experienced. and select your game. My roommates and I have tested out a few board BY ISABELLA SELL games this year and the following is 10

Coping Mechanisms

Immunity

Photography by Zayd Diz

Vinyl Healing

Barren City

2020’s Tunes for Salts Membership to Trinity College doth not a music connoisseur make. Our elitist dispositions and obscene degrees of self-importance, however, put us at least on par with the average Pitchfork writer. And so, to wrap up the unprecedented (read: absolute dogshit) year we all forcibly endured, we have compiled a list of the Salterrae staff’s favourite music released in 2020: audacious alternative arias, bad bitch bops, idyllic indie instrumentals, transcendent techno tunes… I’m running out of alliterations, but you get the gist. We present to you the tracks and albums that kept us ~partially~ sane in lockdown.

Up first, a short but saucy playlist consisting of the stand-out tunes of 2020... Looking to expand your dance playlist with fun, attitude-fueled K-pop? Definitely give ITZY’s “Not Shy” a go.

Missing that special someone you just can’t get out of your head? Jessie Reyez & 6LACK’s “Imported” is the R&B therapy you need.

Daydreaming of escaping the pandemic? Transporting yourself to some heavenly alternative reality? SZA’s angelic vocals on “Good Days” are guaranteed to take you there.

Yearning for the simpler, hopeful, bygone days of COVID Lockdown Part 1? Turn up to Meghan Thee Stallion and Beyonce’s “Savage Remix” and learn the dance if you still haven’t – it’s fantastic and rejecting TikTok trends isn’t a personality trait.

Craving some sweet, sweet Jason Derulo as all of us inevitably do? “Savage Love” is the track for you.

Yearning to live out your highbrow, rich-kid dreams? Drake and DJ Khaled’s “Greece” comes prepped with the immaculate, albeit ostentatious vibes required to make those dreams all the more vivid.

Want to lose your voice jamming out to a Taylor Swift anthem at maximum volume in the car? “betty,” a track of love, loss and their intertwining nuance is an absolute must. Desperately searching for a backing track to your fantasies about a certain Assistant Dean? Check out “BALD!” by JPEGMAFIA; it’s sure to leave you feeling some type of way.

Searching for the next best upbeat disco track to add to your workout queue? “Levitating” by Dua Lipa, featuring DaBaby, is certain to keep you going during that last rep.

Need more devastatingly beautiful music for the seasonal blues? Clinton Kane can assuage your need for melancholy with his heartbreaking ballad, “Fix it to Break it.”

“Selfless” by The Strokes. That’s it. That’s the pitch. Any Strokes song following their seven-year hiatus is above the need for convincing. Just listen to it. Seriously.

Staring up at your bedroom ceiling, contemplating pseudo-profound thoughts, all the while feeling overcome by imposter syndrome? Phoebe Bridgers’ hauntingly intimate “Garden Song” and the apocalyptic yet cathartic “I Know the End” will perfectly compliment the ambiance.

The same goes for System of a Down’s “Protect the Land / Genocidal Humanoidz.” Prompted by the war perpetrated on their cultural homelands, Armenia and Artsakh, by Azerbaijan and Turkey, the band rallied together to release music for the first time in fifteen years. It’s quintessential SoaD; you really can’t go wrong with this one.

Ran out of piano ballads to play as you cry yourself to sleep? Nick Cave lamenting loss and chanting of longing on “Euthanasia” will have you lying in a pool of tears in no time. 13

As for our favourite albums... Taylor Swift’s self-critical companion albums folklore and evermore were highly praised for their charmingly crafted whimsical stories, overlapping plotlines, and lyrical beauty.

Everything, by Kota the Friend, is a feel-good, optimistic road

Phoebe Bridgers’ stunningly candid, multi-dimensional, and timely sophomore release Punisher was lauded for its poetic lyricism in conveying inner turmoil.

Every track on Meghan Thee Stallion’s record Suga is guaranteed to have you feeling like a bad bitch. When in doubt, blast this in your room and twerk it out.

Offering a more laid-back aura, Baekhyun’s Delight serves as a perfect soundtrack to collectively reminiscing about parties with your closest friends over an increasingly depressing Zoom call.

Conan Gray presents a balanced sense of melancholy on Kid Krow. Tackling teen angst through a queer lens, Gray offers some of the most compelling songwriting of the year.

Boasting phenomenal, reflective bops for every possible occasion, Ungodly Hour by Chloe x Halle is sure to stand the test of time and transcend well beyond a single listen. Halsey’s Manic converts your “all men are trash” notebook scribbles to angsty, autobiographical alt-pop-rock tales. Four Tet’s new record Parallel is deceivingly ambient. Active listening to the sublime, minimal techno tracks will completely heighten the listening experience; almost as if you’re “lying inside of a computer on the world’s softest pillow” (full credit to His Unholiness, the 105th Bishop, for that one). A francophone gem of 2020 was Dinos’ third studio album, Stamina. Recognized primarily for his lyricism, Dinos proves himself once again with big punchlines conveying strong messages and hidden references, strung together by great rhymes. The Neighbourhood’s latest release is a concept album. Chip Chrome & the Mono-Tones marries the band’s low-tempo rock with R&B influence on tracks that flow seamlessly from one to the next.

trip essential. It’s sure to help kick the lockdown blues, even if just for a terse 38 minutes.

HMLTD’s genre bending debut album West of Eden is so absurdly strange it creeps into a category of near perfection. Boasting lyrics like “No orgasm is ever enough,” the album would certainly be Barb and Carol approved too. Fiona Apple’s most idiosyncratic record Fetch the Bolt Cutters, with its outlandish percussion and experimental vocals, creates a symphony of liberation – a woman’s self-actualization of acceptance and freedom. Multiple listens are essential; it only gets better with time.

And there you have it. All the music of 2020 that we’ve been obsessively playing throughout the year. Listen to the albums all the way through, compile your favourite tracks into a playlist, or add them to ones you’ve made before. Assess them all critically and judge us if you will, or just let them play quietly in the background as you work through your dreadful assignment load. In any case, here’s to hoping you find something new to enjoy!

By Ani Khachatrian

By: Megan Horsthuis

(aka, your first)

If we, first years, are being completely honest, we weren’t doing too hot last semester. Some of us were stuck at home, trying to figure out how to be an adult while our parents still cooked for us every night. Others are living in the centre of it all, where the closest thing to a normal first-year experience is getting too drunk in a dorm room and hiding from Kevin when he comes knocking. No one was where they expected to be. I definitely wasn’t, but regardless, we have to find ways to cope with everything going on. In my last piece, I shared some experiences about making the best of our first year in the middle of the pandemic. In this issue, I’ll be compiling my sometimes effective tips on how to move on from the absolute trainwreck that ended up being our first semester. Firstly, and most importantly, download the entirety of evermore, the new Taylor Swift album. I promise it’ll get you through some rough times. If you’re like me, you might even get a noise complaint for listening to the album too loudly at 3am on a Thursday. If that doesn’t do the trick, try cracking open a bottle of wine with some friends and binge watching all the Twilight movies in a day. I may or may not have recently done this, and can guarantee it will at least make you laugh hysterically.

Secondly, once you’ve experienced the deep emotional enlightenment that is evermore, try and come to terms with the person you’ve morphed into this past semester. I used to be a painfully introverted, aspiring Social Sciences major who drank one coffee a day and woke up energized at 7am. Now, I’m aiming for a degree in Math and Computer Science, I devour at least four espresso shots (on a good day), and it hurts to wake up before 11. I’m a totally different person than I was last year, or at least I feel like I am. Realizing that this change is part of the “university experience” is a good way to look back on the fall semester, perhaps with some fondness. I think it’s fun to remember who I thought I would be by now, and laugh at how wrong I was. Thirdly, drown your sorrows in salmon-avocado rolls from Galleria and large amounts of boba. I know constant trips to Chatime will probably destroy your bank account, but the undiluted serotonin that comes from a good milk tea will definitely outweigh any financial burden. Also, by now, you must know of all the good spots around Trin for ramen and dumplings. Take advantage of the quarantine rules and order some UberEats. That way, you don’t even need to get out of bed. You deserve it. Lastly, indulge in a daily stress scream. There is no better way to

wind down after a long day of work than to make your floormates think you’re getting murdered in the room next door. As soon as your dreaded TrinOne class or chemistry lab ends, let out your most guttural scream, filled with all your anger towards the world, and move on with your day like nothing happened at all. I hope these coping mechanisms do you some good. They’ve definitely improved my quality of life in the past month. Coupled with regular Zoom game days, weekly movie nights, daily rant sessions, and hourly TikTok binges, these tricks have almost made this past month feel normal. Now, all that’s left for me to do is start going to lecture.

New Year, the Not-So Roaring Twenties Could “Less Is More” Be the Future of Fashion? By: Leyla Verdier - The Self-Proclaimed Fashion Connoisseur The Roaring 20s is known for its extravagant flapper dresses and magnificent parties. Thanks to the one and only Ms. Rona our twenties are anything but roaring. Thus, it would be an understatement to say that the pandemic has affected the fashion industry. With the rest of the world needing to adapt to the current circumstances, fashion has had to do the same. As a result, many fashion trends have evolved to reflect the changes in our lifestyle. Easy to wear and comfortable styles are dominating the streets, and looking comfortable has taken priority over many fashion trends like high-waisted jeans. As a matter of fact, I cannot believe that exactly a year ago I used to spend my whole day in jeans. What are jeans anyway? So, here are some fashion trends that, just like the pandemic, are not going anywhere anytime soon:

The Athleisure Trend Comfortable clothing was introduced to us during the first wave of the pandemic and it is still in fashion. The only thing that is different this year is the fact that many fashion elements also help us look more put together. In case you are looking to get inspired, check out models’ off-duty street wear outfits (Emily Ratajkowski and Gigi Hadid are some of the athleisure veterans).

Statement Minimalistic Jewelry

This is definitely a staple accessory this year and helps you look put together with minimal effort on your Zoom call with friends or colleagues. I personally prefer some zodiac-themed pendants, since everyone is obsessed with astrology right now.

Loose Layers & Relaxed Fit Since last March, soft touch fabrics have remained in style and don’t seem to be going anywhere. Crop tops and mini skirts should be replaced with oversized shirts and sweaters. Skinny jeans can be replaced with paper bag pants to help hide the fact that you haven’t hit the gym in God knows how long. Wide-leg pants are also having a moment and can be paired with almost anything in your wardrobe (my favourite is a black turtleneck, it’s super chic). If you are looking for a more elegant and girly fit, try a cardigan and more flowy dresses.

Flats & Less Casual Footwear This year, rest assured, we can all relax with some flats. You didn’t expect us to trade our fur slippers for 6-inch stilettos, right? There is plenty of choice from chic ballet flats to loafers and sneakers. Chunkier heels are also a valid alternative for all you fashionistas who want to look a bit taller this year.

1980’s fashion dominating the 20’s Just like in the music industry, the fashion industry is seeing the 1980’s making a major comeback. Expect to see some pieces like ruffle and puff sleeves (or pretty much anything with voluminous sleeves and shoulders) as well as bright neon colours. These throwback fashion items help create a perfect “one and done” look, which is especially convenient for an impromptu video call!

And there you have it, salty babes! ‘Less is more’ might be a lifehack that will make you look trendy and save you lots of money this year! Stay chic and comfy! 18

Good ideas, bad ideas Pandemic bad! School hard! How are you going to cope? Haha. Don’t. Instead, heed my advice. First, I think you should litter. Somewhere in the Annex. Obviously, don’t be an asshole, be sure to send your roommate or your mom to pick it up later. Just don’t be precise about where you left it. Next, bury your laptop in the backfield. Technology is taking over our lives and we need to get back to the good ol’ days of Cholera and not being allowed to vote. You dirty little utilitarian. Find something that isn’t being used and put it to use. For example, break into Graham Library and “borrow” the desktop computer chairs. The ones with wheels. Now, wheel them over to St. George and have a street race. You’re a peaky fucking blinder, Harry. Lick the lab tables. Solvent ooooh. Titration? More like Titillation. Tell your crush that you like them during your Zoom lecture. Unmute yourself. Unclothe yourself. Don’t overthink it. Be yourself. Since nothing cool happens anymore, I already know that you ran out of things to say to your roommates. Or your parents. Let’s lean into that. Shut up. In conclusion, I think you should drop out of university so you can sleep in. I’m not gonna do it, but I’ll sleep better knowing that you’re sleeping better. Xoxo, 172nd Speaker of the Lit P.S. I get real fucked up thinking about how many of you want to become lawyers one day.

New Year (?),

Same planet (!) By: Jess Horton

It’s safe to say that the world is pretty fucked up right now. Climate change is on all of our minds, Covid vaccines exist but seem so far away, and to top it all off, online school is just… well, let’s call it bleak. There always seems to be something pulling us in every direction and it can get pretty exhausting trying to care about everything, all the time. I’m not telling you to do that. Hell, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is lock yourself in a room with lots of snacks and binge watch The Office until you forget about the world outside your door. So, if what I’ve proposed seems like the thing you need right now, by all means, go do it. I’m not going to stop you. If, on the other hand, you still have enough shits to give, I’d like to turn your attention to an issue affecting us all: the climate crisis. WE need the Earth, she doesn’t need us! This is a point often ignored or forgotten in today’s fast-paced world. Mama Earth will be just fine when humans are no longer here; in fact, she’ll be better off. The climate crisis is a very real, very current issue that must be at the centre of the political discussion. I’m going to give some tips on how we can personally reduce our impact on the planet, but it’s also important to understand the impact of big corporate companies. According to the CDP Carbon Majors Report 2017, 100 companies have been found to be the source of over 70% of greenhouse gas emissions in the past 30 years! BONKERS!!! We have

remember that soon, our generation will be the ones in charge, and we’ll have the power to create necessary change… I promise that I mean this in a very positive way. Whenever someone brings up the climate crisis, I usually have a mini heart attack. It’s big. It’s scary. It seems impossible that someone like me, a girl just trying to pass all of my courses, could actually do something beneficial for this big planet we call home. If you feel like this, I get it, you’re not alone. This is heavy stuff — BUT! I was lucky enough to be introduced to some friends who made the whole affair seem manageable. They introduced me to social media accounts that practiced what they preached and showed me that little changes make a difference — little changes can go a long way! Here are some tips and resources I have found throughout my personal research. This list is not comprehensive, but it’s a good jumping-off-point for those trying to learn a little bit more about the climate crisis, how to reduce their waste, andto surround themselves with the tools for success.

How to reduce our own (personal) impact on the Earth: Shop local! Toronto has so many unique local shops — and if you’re like me and (stuck) at home this year, explore the local shops in your area! Use plastic-free shampoo and conditioner bars. Carry a reusable coffee cup or water bottle with you to avoid buying single-use ones. Invest in a metal straw - keep it in your backpack for all those spontaneous Starbucks trips! Use totes and reusable bags when doing groceries — this one has the added benefit of always looking great when going shopping! Buy less fast fashion — other alternatives include swapping or borrowing clothes with friends, thrifting or repurposing clothing you already have.

Instagram accounts to teach you about the environment and your place in it @trashisfortossers - Lauren Singer has a great account to follow for Zero Waste tips. @impactforgood - this is another great sustainability and minimalism account that has accessible and affordable tips for reducing waste while also living your best life! A personal favourite. @consciousnchic - a fabulous account about ethical fashion. @margreen_s -this account has the added benefit of beautiful European scenery photography. @goodonyou_app - this app account promotes ethical fashion brands and writes blog posts about climate change, sustainability and what individuals can do to help the planet.

Netflix shows and movies to watch: Chasing Coral (documentary series) The True Cost (the impact fast fashion has on the planet) Our Planet (this one is my personal favourite — I’ve definitely cried more than once watching it. Also, David Attenborough’s voice is fantastic) Down to Earth (documentary series) Minimalism (documentary)

Well friends, if you’ve stuck with me until now, I hope that you have learned some new ways of educating yourselves about the climate crisis. Sure, 2021 might feel hopeless already. Sure, it might be easier to give up on her already. But you know what? I believe in us — let’s do this, for better or for worse.

Salty, Sexy Suggestions with the Real Housewives of Trinity College ***Legally, we are not able to call this “advice” since we are in no way, shape or form, experts. Instead, think of us as your friend’s older sister who asks way too many questions about your love life, and then divulges even more information about her own.*** What the fuck is up Trinity College, you salty, wormy quaran-bitches! You already know who it is, Barb and Carol, back at it for round two. In case anyone is counting and misses us, we do not miss you. Sorry. Just kidding! Since we missed you so much, we’ve decided to give you the opportunity to learn the juiciest, naughtiest and most rated-R things about yours truly. That’s right, you pervs talked and we listened. We won’t lie, we were pretty disappointed none of you dared to ask about our infamous November 29th, 2019. You had one chance, little snitches, but too bad you blew it. Instead, you chose to ask us real questions as if we would ever provide real answers. Nevertheless, you know we love to get down and dirty. So, without further ado, we present to you: Barb and Carol’s Sexy, Salty Suggestions ...

Questions: How can I open up my relationship, in a covid-safe way? It’s called joining a sex-cult baby (dm us for more info on how to join, @realhousewivesoftc). If you happen to live with ten other people, the government can’t stop you from fucking all of them. Seriously. As of now, the government allows you to see a maximum of five other humans outside of your home. Do you know what we think when we read that? OUTDOOR SEX. Sex in the great outdoors has never more fresh and exciting. Looks like there will be two moons in the sky tonight ;). How can I be more sustainable in my safe sex practices? I’ve tried re-using condoms but it’s just not the same. We once tried reusing a condom. Suffice to say, being a baby-mama was not on our five year vision-board. Instead, we recommend the pull-out method. It’s the only known approach that is considered to be 100% sustainable, vegan, and alternative medicine approved. Yes, you might get a STI, or maybe you’ll end up with a little one too, but at least the environment will be singing your praises. Can I get a “you’re welcome, Mother Earth?” How do I have sex? We prefer it on all fours, but to each their own. Sometimes, it’s nice when you don’t have to look at them at all. How do I become a bad bitch after a break up? Step one: open Spotify and search up “Men in Cages 2020.” Step two: whip out daddy’s credit card and do some retail therapy. Some inspo includes, but not limited to, new sex toys, intimates, candles, skin care, or even a direct venmo to the housewives themselves. We prefer the latter. Step three: go fuck someone new or just do yourself, every hour, on the hour. The only way to forget about your old flame is to set your genitals on fire.

Are any of the guys at Trin even worth it? Hahahahaha. Let’s just say, it is not worth the money you’d save on the discounted Trinity Chapel wedding. Instead, we recommend aiming for your Professors. Just make sure they have tenure. Why is my girlfriend crazy? She’s not crazy, you are! What kind of silly, archaic question is this wormies? If anything, she is ‘Crazy in Love’ (see track four of ‘Men in Cages 2020’). In all honesty, let’s not kid ourselves, we all LOVE the crazy. The more psycho, the better. It’s like cocaine: once you try it in the sub-Welch bathroom, there’s no going back (#November29th). Zoom sex? Thoughts? We absolutely, 100%, endorse Zoom sex. How do you think we made money in 2020? There’s something super spicy about sending someone a Zoom invite with the plan of getting down and dirty over video. Find a sexy background, maybe even buy yourself a matching costume. We all need to be more creative these days. If you really want to get crazy, invite all of your friends. Then, you can randomly put them into breakout rooms. Nothing like some speed sexing to reinvigorate the soul. Amen. Where’s the clit? Dear wormies, if you are asking this question after reading our column for the last two years, you obviously have not been paying attention to anything we have said. Shame on you. You deserve the bad sex we’re sure you’re experiencing. Besides, everyone who took grade four health knows that the clitoris is located right next to the anal rectum. See the appendix for a detailed diagram of where to find it.

Why does my girlfriend say cute things like “I hate you with a burning passion?” Probably because she hates you with a burning passion. No mind games here. In fact, we hate you with a burning passion as well. Had to be said. Replace your toes with fingers OR replace your fingers with toes? We’re not going to lie, this got us all hot and bothered. We’ve put a lot of thought into this, and here’s our take: Barb: This is not even a question. Replace fingers with toes! It’s simple math, really. If I can earn $80 per feet pic and I suddenly find myself with two more sets of toes, that is doubling my daily revenue. She might not be a gold digger, but this housewife is ALL about making the dough. Carol: I would OBVIOUSLY replace my toes with fingies because who doesn’t want four hands? Think of everything you can do with that much finger power (ie: cook more meals, text four different dates at once, be the go-to gal for orgies). The possibilities are endless with that many fingers. There you have it, salty bitches. You asked, we answered. You came, and now it’s time for us to cum (we have some dick appointments that we just can’t miss). Hopefully some of this information will seep through into your beautiful, bountiful, and ~boundless~ brains. If not, we’d be happy to offer private sessions to anyone brave enough to ask further questions. Reach out to us at @realhousewivesoftc. xoxoxo, Barb and Carol

What Vaccine Your Zodiac Sign Really Needs (Well...Besides the COVID Vax) Oh hello, Salts! Didn’t see you there ... I am sure you enjoyed my last article, or maybe you didn’t because the horoscope I gave your sign was less than fortunate (oops). Well, don’t dwell on the past any longer, as there’s no point; the year ahead of us is bound to be full of more disappointment. To help you out, I thought I would do my part in keeping you all humble and down on yourselves. I’m just making sure that you don’t get any crazy ideas about how exciting life is, because you never know what’s lurking around the corner. Now, enough of this dark subject matter, let’s move onto some fun! Though I should say that it will probably only be fun for me because the following horoscopes are more like roasts. Specifically, I will share with you, my dear Salts, what traits I think you should drop–immediately–based on your zodiac sign. To my and everyone else’s demise, it will take many millennia to create a vaccine for what you have. Enjoy the roasts! Sincerely, Archana (Aries Sun, Capricorn Moon, Virgo Rising…um obviously)

Aries

(Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): Put simply, Aries folks can be real mean. Yes, you could say they’re brutally honest and unafraid to speak their spontaneous minds but to everyone else: straight up mean. Perhaps have a snickers?

Gemini

(May 21 - Jun. 20): During our year of doing nothing else except entertaining ourselves at home, the worst trait a quarantiner can have belongs to the Geminis: the inability to finish a task. Constantly bouncing around from activity to activity because they are never satisfied with anything. These poor Geminis will have absolutely nothing to show at post-COVID show and tell... oof.

Cancer

(Jun. 21 - Jul. 22):

Taurus

(Apr. 20 - May 20): While we all know that Taureans can be extremely stubborn and stuck in their ways, what may come up more often, however, is their jealousy. It may rear its ugly head in relationships (or longing after one), or just being jealous of X Æ A-12 for being born into a dumb amount of money–despite being raised as a robot that will have no responsibilities–the life a Taurus would want more than anything. 25

Is it not specific enough to say Cancers are simply crazy? I will try to elaborate: the worst thing about Cancers is their ability to absolutely love and care for you one day, and the very next day, thinking you’re hot garbage that emerged from the devil’s loins himself. I’d recommend that Cancers chill out and maybe try having a legitimate reason before deciding to hate someone? Is that so hard? Huh, guys?

Leo

Sagittarius

(Jul. 23 - Aug. 22):

(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):

Sooo aggressive. Leos want everything to go their way and will not settle for anything else. The pandemic is, therefore, teaching Leos a great lesson in patience, or more likely driving them to drink way too many beers.

What lurks under the charming surface of a Sag is an incurable narcissism that fills their minds all day long. They have no qualms with putting their needs and wants above others as their first response. Is it possible that instead of a needle for a vaccine, all Sags just get their egos medically deflated? Can that please be a thing?

Virgo

Capricorn

(Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): Virgos are terrible to be around right now because they’re constantly thinking that everyone isn’t trying as hard as them. Their overcritical judgy vibe can be a real bummer when the rest of us have clearly been avoiding Duolingo reminders for months.

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): A Capricorn, also known as a cold-hearted-robot-dead-inside-emotionless-creature, can get stuck in their practical mind too much of the time. Empathy, apologizing, and forgiveness don’t come easy to them, but it’s no big deal really ... just attributes that make the world go ‘round.

Libra

Aquarius

(Sep. 23 - Oct. 22):

(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):

Staying at home has put a serious damper on Libras’ urge to please everyone and remain ridiculously and annoyingly positive. They may, however, turn to social media to air out these awful traits for everyone to see. Reminder that the mute function exists for all of you that have a Libra in your feed. You have every right to exercise that freedom, I know I have *cough* I mean would.

Aquarians are maniacally laughing at their old pre-pandemic selves who used to think life was so hard and the world was so bad. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA so funny :( Pessimism (what they might call realism) runs in the Aquarian family. So, to my water-bearers out there: if you haven’t already, try just going numb for the next few months maybe?

Pisces

(Feb. 19 - Mar. 18):

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): A Scorpio’s worst trait is actually quite impressive because of the commitment they’re willing to endure to hold a grudge, literally until the end of time itself. These unforgiving menaces will have no one left to invite to their weddings, but then again, they might sadistically enjoy paying for their enemies to watch them be the center of attention.

Iyk(aP)yk (if you know a Pisces you know) their worst trait already, and you should start apologizing right now for even thinking anything negative about a Pisces, ever. Truly, they are 1) psychic so they can hear you thinking badly about them and 2) way too sensitive and think people are always thinking badly about them. So maybe it’s not a psychic ability so much as just high odds: if you always think someone is mad at you, eventually you’ll be right.