The Haberdasher

Jose Gonzalez Haberdashers Guide To Self Defence - Jose Gonzalez Album Review - The Females Perspective

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‘Evening to you all, I wish to initiate the meeting by acknowledging absences…

Now It has been brought to my attention we appear to fighting a loosing battle. England, I’m afraid to say, is becoming over run my who we shall call The Polyester Wearing Menace. I’m sure you’ve seen the species I’m talking. The ones slurping their cans of Special Brew and loitering around their local public house at all hours (shudder). Drastic times call for drastic measures, we have thus decided an emergency meeting and I’m pleased to see many new faces, an overwhelming sight in such dark times.

My agenda is simple, we MUST endeavor a better style of living and digesting as much culture as possible. It may seem a lot to ask but I have a simple strategy to achieve this. By purchasing into this movable media we will not provide subliminal messages to those passive amongst the menace, who we can persuade into a higher standard of self being and hopefully refresh their clothing choices. Amongst this it will increase the culture in which you feast on during the day.

To achieve these goals I have delved into my vinyl collection, called in some favors and done things in the West End we would not be allowed to print in this magazine. And its here our maiden voyage, diving into battle, hearts on our sleeves seeking and hoping to achieve my goals. I have provided an insight into a dear and treasured acquaintance, a talented Swedish folk singer Mr. Gonzalez (Jose Gonzalez to you) and called in favors from Lady Lillian, in which she has provided her insight to mens facial hair in way only she can. Amongst these articles you will find useful life tips; the art of self defence; how to out do your piers by our tie knot.

I will now wish to have an interval and advise you into having a butchers into this moving media as well as devouring a cup of coffee or something a little stronger.

Until Later

Your Fellow Haberdasher

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Entertainment During The Interval Page 5

Haberdasher History Lesson

Page 6-9

Haberdashers Guide To Self Defence

Page 10-13

Jose Gonzalez Album Review

Page 14-15

Cultural Origins

Page 16

The Haberdasher Tie Knot

Page 17-19

The Females Perspective

Page 20-21

Bachelors Breakfast

Page 22-23

Layman’s Terms

Page 24-25

Idle Hours

Page 26

Closing Notes

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haberdasher history lesson

Haberdasher History Lesson 01 - During the war prostitutes were called horizontal refreshment

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The Haberdashers Guide To Self Defence

The Haberdashers Guide To Self Defence

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The Haberdashers Guide To Self Defence

Twas the summer of ’04, a beautiful day on the seaside sipping peached iced tea and devouring a strawberry and clotted cream ice cream. As you can tell a near perfect day. But no, my day was shattered. These two twenty something year old children wearing what could only be described as a track suit, knocked my ice cream out my hand and onto my polished oxblood full brogues. I shot up sharply and pointed out their error expecting and apology and hoping for a free ice cream and a tissue to attempt the resurrect my recently polished brogues. However none of the above happened, their response was as dignified as their dress sense. The result ended in a heated feud, blows were exchanged and my dignity shattered with perspiration marks on my finery and locals alerting the constabulary which saw your fellow haberdasher escorted away from the seaside.

Whilst being escorted a thought of reflection came over me, how could this be avoided not only for me but other haberdashers.

And so the guide of self defence was born. Their are only five lessons on the curriculum but each one is as vital as the last. I highly recommend revising these so if the situation should arrive a Haberdasher is fully prepared.

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the haberdashers guide to self defence

Lesson 01 - The Art Of Avoiding & Escaping Confrontation

Once confronted by the polyester wearing menace, it is deemed acceptable to deal a swift blow via ones boot or other walking implement into the confronter’s ‘gentleman’s rod’. Once the deed is dealt it is highly advised one should seek a brisk departure, not to brisk as to not draw the attention from the local constabulary or for ones head wear to plunge.

Lesson 02 - Bopping The Cranium

Should lesson one not go to plan, a Haberdasher may seek to engage in a scuffle.

A brief consideration must be given as to where to fold ones shirt and jacket, it is not best to crease or obtain bodily fluid on your finery. While other stances are on the market we advice the Haberdasher stance, an adaptation on the classic Queensbury stance. The aim is to initialise the innings with a swift blow to the cranium succeeded by another. A dazed/ stunned opponent will enable you to redress and depart the scene.

Lesson 03 - Ignorance Is Bliss

Should the polyester wearing menace develop social skills to find another like minded being. An attack my feel imminent, but fear not, as their bark is worse than their bite. Engaging in combat will be foolish, as its not wise to initiate the bout and thus lowering ones self to their level. A stiff upper lip and not participating in eye contact is in order, (one doesn’t want to become a statue) this will allow one to pass through unmarked without any confrontation and keeping your dignity in tack.

Lesson 04 - Should A Haberdasher Need To Tango

However and attack may occur (dignity can provoke the menace) and will see a Haberdasher tread in unfamiliar territory and see them out numbered. Waiting for the first move is wise, as the will set the tone of the bout and will give an insight as to the genre one should fight. Once the genre is achieved, blows to the ribs will render one of your opponents gasping for air. A result will render the other flabbergasted allowing a Haberdasher to continue his daily duties.

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the haberdashers guide to self defence

Lesson 05 - Breaking The Love Triangle A common past time of the menace is drinking to the stage of inebriation. While inebriated the menace can become volatile and attack anybody sight, including its own kind. One should not feel intimidated, the attacks and slanderous gestures may be persistent but no damage will be obtain. A simple skip aside will see your confronter amass in a heap with little dignity remaining.

album review

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album review

Alas he has returned. Following upon his success of his primitive LP Veneer peeking at #7 in UK and his subsequent LP In Our Nature peeking at #19. As well with the success of Heartbeats peeking at #9 in the UK Singles chart and featuring in the sound track for Secret Life Of Walter Mitty playing solo and in Junip.

Jose Gonzalez is releasing his third LP Vestiges & Claws expected to go on sale February 17th. We provide a detailed insight into his songs and review his latest work to see if expectations have been met.

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album review

Tis always an exciting day when the postal worker calls at your gate stating they have a package waiting for. After snatching the parcel out of his hand ripping of packaging and seeing an elegant square staring straight at me with a Jose Gonzalez, Vestiges & Claws greeting me.

Side B Every Age What Will Vissel After Glow Open Block

After Peeling the cellophane wrapping carefully, as to not damage the sleeve. I’m left with what a seven year hiatus has produced.

A beautiful use of blues ad illustrations are helping me understand the tone of voice of the album before listening to it. A beautiful clear 180 gram vinyl a welcomed change from the typical black. I set the speed to 33rpm and carefully lowered the needle onto edge and awaited the sounds to follow.

After turning the LP over and repeating the careful drop to the edge of the needle. This time the title track from the record Every Age and the stand out track from the album, its almost protesting lyrics appeals to the core fans. The track focuses solely on Gonzalez’s story telling and vocal singers with the that being the focus of attention with the guitar just providing the beat and tempo alongside the percussion.

Once this track is finished we are then back to what appears to be the old Jose Gonzalez, an intricate guitar into similar to what we got in his first LP. Vissel and After Glow fall back into the routine as the A side flowing seamlessly into each other and the atmosphere flows into each other. Gonzalez closing song Open Block sadly appears to show what the album could or should have been. The suggestive lyrics teamed with the guitar ability I originally fell in love all them years ago. Which to me at least, makes this the stand out song of the album.

Side A With The Ink Of A Ghost Let It Carry You Stories We Built, Stories We Tell The Forest Leaf Off/ The Cave

I am greeted by a peaceful guitar rift similar to In our Nature providing a sense familiarity and reinforcing the calming thoughts portrayed by the album artwork.

The first three songs flow harmlessly into each other and have simple transitions providing the flow to more atmospheric music rather than gritty lyrics and complex guitar chords we was a custom to his first and second albums.

Track three However, Stories We Built, Stories We Tell, provides the much needed assurance in Gonzalez ability with the guitar. Leaf Off/ The cave shows the evolution of the artist with its layering of sounds building until a great driving crescendo.

The album seems to suffer with an almost divide perfectly with the sides in confidence and mind set. Side A, dear I say, appears to be what the record label wanted and side B being what Jose Gonzalez wanted the album to be. On the whole the songs are predictable and as such sounding more like B sides rather than an entire new album.

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For now I give the 4 hats off but may revise this as time goes on.

cultural origins

Cultural Origins

Items A Haberdasher Should Seek To Acquire

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cultural origins

image 1. The Affected Provincial’s Companion Volume, Lord Breaulove Swells Whimsy, £10, Amazon image 2. Moustache Wax, £8.50, Amazon UK image 3. Beard Oil £9.99, Amazon UK image 4. Leather Satchel Backpack, £49.99, www. theoxfordbagcompany.co.uk image 5. Townes Van Zandt Live at The Old Quarter, Houston Texas, £14.99, Amazon UK

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the haberdasher knot

The Haberdasher Knot (its knot a laughing matter) - The art one-up-man-ship can be easily achieved my walking amongst your fellow colleges with a vastly intricate knot standing out among the sea of Windsors and Four-In-A-Hand. The Haberdasher Knot aka The Trinity knot. Follow our simple step by step guide and remember practice makes perfect.

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the female perspective

The Female Perspective from Lady Lillian

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the female perspective

A latest trend is allowing many men across the UK to consider the idea of facial hair. Whether this is through the form of the handlebar (see fig.2) or the Adolf (see fig.3) are they really hot to trot, or are they clogging up the drain pipe?

fig.2 The handlebar

fig.3 The Adolf

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the female perspective

(phwoar, phwaor, yummy, phwoar!!) These are the men which really get our panties dropping boys. They are clean shaven, thus meaning we want to take them home to meet the family, rather than just keeping them a Facebook picture.

Don’t get me wrong, the Ryans (Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds) have found this happy medium. Its something which us women like to call stubble, however, this has also been known as the ‘5 o’clock shadow’.

This to us girls is hot. It creates a subtle rugged look, which every girl is certain to go wild for! (I hope you boys are taking notes right now!! That’s right, I’m talking about YOU!!) So if there are any of you Haberdashers out there who are not ready for the clean shave, go for the stubble!!

Now, its time for my last words on this, beards are out boys, honestly no girl wants the rash, no girl wants the food hanging off it, (ewww) and no girl wants the hair going in their mouths during a moment of passion.

So, here it is…if you boys want to impress your girls, go for the clean shave, and if you really need that extra layer of hair on your face, go for the stubble, but remember, think Ryan!!

Some women may see the appeal of a good old fashioned handle bar, they’re suave and savvy, they display the ‘mans man’ and cause an uproar amongst other Haberdashers, however, some women, (yes I am one guilty woman!) are not necessarily seeing the appeal. I mean, every girl likes a bad boy, just not one whom has the image of Stalin.

These forms of facial hair are not great when women want to get lustful. They tickle your top lip, (and not in a good way ladies!) thus meaning that us girls could end up with a rash there! Never a good look when wanting to appear most sexual! This rash is something which resembles a freshly waxed chest, a look men do not consider attractive.

Therefore, why should us girls have to have that rather grotesque look on our otherwise attractive face. Lets say for example, and you Haberdashers will NOT understand this, you have just bought the new Chanel lipstick, you’re feeling (in the words of Jessie J) ‘sexy and free’ and then, BAM! You’re stuck there with a top lip which looks like your lipstick has smudged all over your face. If sexiness is the approach we are going for, do not then tell us that we look okay. We don’t, and you will have lost your bedroom privileges for at least a minimum of a month. And trust me Haberdashers, I have had suitors who have suffered this fate. They were then given the curse of clean shaven from that moment on.

I mean, lets look at some clean shaven men. These men scream out, cleanliness, and ‘I live in a house which has a shower!’ these are the men which us girls want in our lives.

Yes, some may consider these as a pretty boys, and trust me Haberdashers, there is nothing wrong with a pretty boy (insert a cheeky wink face boys!). When thinking of clean shaven men, every girl imagines somebody probably resembling the Royal Boys, Wills and Harry, or the good old fashioned heartthrob and recent Stephen Hawking, Eddie Redmayne

Until next time boys! xoxo

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bachelors breakfast

Bachelors Breakfast Never Start The Day On An Empty Stomach

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laymans terms

Layman’s Terms A Lexicon For The Aspiring Haberdasher

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laymans terms

Aestheticism (noun) One who appreciates Aesthetics Constabulary (noun) The police force Cranium (noun) The skull Curriculum (noun) A body of learning Dandyism (adj) A man who is very concerned with how he looks can be called a dandy.

Flabbergasted (verb) Surprise (someone) greatly Foppery (noun) Foolish quality or action.

Haberdasher (noun) A gentleman who subscribes to a higher standard of life.

Having A Butchers (verb) Browsing at something Layman (noun) A person without professional or specialised knowledge in a particular subject Polyester Wearing Menace (adj)A chav Retrosexual (noun) A retrosexual is the opposite of a metrosexual. He is a man who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance.

Special Brew (noun) Larger for those seeking employment

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idle hours

Idle Hours A vital part of my ethic is work hard play even harder. Its now come to later part now play. A haberdasher should seek to become a keen darts enthusiast, a sport once deemed to be a past time by the menace. However as their IQ has dwindled and their ability to count has rendered the dart board a mere decorative feature in your local tavern and as a result have moved onto billiards.

Below I have listed a few games alongside the conventional 501 double out game you see being played on the television. Located on the opposite page is the traditional game you expect to see in printed mediums.

Around the board

Cricket

A simple game which that can be played by solo or in a group of Haberdashers. The aim is to start at one and while hitting the remaining numbers in numerical order and then finishing on bull. The winner is the first to hit bull.

Like actual cricket, cricket in darts is a duel between two Haberdashers. Between the two of you decide whose to yield the darts first, they become the bowler. The other becomes the batsman. The bowler initiates the innings, their aim, to throw at bull and outer bull, should the succeed at hitting outer bull the batsman looses one wicket and should the bowler hit bull the batsman looses two wickets. After the bowler has had their three darts, the batsman then takes he’s turn to score. The rest of rules now follow actual cricket you are familiar to.

Killer To initiate the game an elected player throws a dart with their opposite throwing hand (right handed players throw with the left and vice versa for lefties); the number they hit is becomes the elected number all the players have to hit. If a Haberdasher misses in their three darts they loose a life. The winner is the one who hits the designated sector of the board with lives remaining.

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idle hours

Aestheticism Butchers Constabulary Cranium Curriculum Dandyism

Flabbergasted Foppery Haberdasher Layman Menace Polyester

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Retrosexual Specialbrew Tracksuit Wearing

closing notes

With regret I draw this meeting to a close and thank all who attended, it was a pleasure to see many new faces.

I would like to think with the purchase of this movable media you agree with the principles taught and hope you have learned some valuable life skills and life lessons and hope to many of you again on our next meeting.

My closing note is simply spread the word of our self righteousness and want to see many more faces next time, and hopefully one day we can see the end of The Polyester Wearing Menace.

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Thank You