6 minute read
Use the Enneagram to Discover Your Parenting Personality
Every time my son Taylor had a big project due, I knew we were in for another tug of war. While I waved Postit notes and enthusiastically explained how to break the project down into bite-sized chunks, his blank stare told me my “can-do” attitude was not part of his process. Instead, he would quietly close himself in his room for days while I worried he was doing nothing toward meeting the deadline. My offers to help and questions about his progress were met with monosyllables that did little to calm my fear that he didn’t care enough to apply himself. Or worse yet, that I had failed to teach him the fundamentals of responsibility, diligence and hard work.
Then he’d pull it off. Not just completing the bare bones of the assignment, but often earning a teacher’s comment of “Great work!” alongside an A or B grade. Taylor would beam with pride while I scratched my head and wondered, “How is this possible?”
It was a parenting mystery that the Enneagram helped solve.
The Enneagram is an assessment tool that identifies nine distinct personality types based on internal motivation and how we relate to others. Naturally, when internal motivations differ, the ways we behave, communicate, and tackle life (and big projects) differ as well.
Knowing your Enneagram personality type makes parenting less puzzling by providing insight into why you do the things you do. It can make you a better parent and help you nurture and grow your child’s unique personality.
Enneagram personality type is a lens through which parents see kids – it colors experiences and what they believe to be true about their children. Each type has preferences that bias parents toward certain behaviors, habits and ways of seeing and responding to the world. Recognizing these preferences gives parents the power to respond (rather than react) to behaviors and choices different from their own and helps explain how sometimes there’s a disconnect in communication.
Parenting by the numbers. Putting this powerful tool to work starts with discovering your own Enneagram type
and exploring the parenting strengths and opportunities for growth that come with it.
The following brief descriptions come from The Enneagram Made Easy by Renee Baron and Elizabeth Wagele. What type of parent are you?
Type 1 - Reformers are motivated to live life the right way. They embrace structure and give kids a strong sense of security and responsibility. They may struggle to be spontaneous and often have high expectations of their kids.
Type 2 – Helpers are motivated by the need to feel loved and valued. Their gift for emotional connection makes them highly empathetic parents who pour out support and positive reinforcement. They may do too much and have a hard time stepping back when it’s time for kids to do things independently.
Type 3 – Achievers are motivated by being productive, successful and avoiding failure. They serve as great role models for self-confidence and work ethic. These parents struggle to spend time with their kids while wanting to get more work done and may put too much pressure on kids to succeed.
Type 4 – Romantics are motivated to experience and fully express their feelings. They value authenticity and encourage kids to become who they really are. Their challenge is helping kids manage big emotions without getting overwhelmed and remembering that sometimes it’s OK for kids to want to fit in.
Type 5 – Observers are motivated by knowing and understanding everything necessary to be self-sufficient and prepared for any situation. Their love for researching, learning and teaching is a great match for a child’s curiosity. Their challenge is to balance the intellectual growth they love with the emotional growth kids also need.
Type 6 – Questioners are motivated by the need for security. These are diligent and dependable parents who make sure kids feel safe and supported. They sometimes struggle with excessive worry and can be overly protective or reluctant to let kids take normal and necessary risks.
Type 7 – Enthusiasts are motivated by the need to be happy and avoid pain and suffering. Their optimism and enthusiasm inspire kids to dream big and welcome adventure. They may find dealing with mundane parts of life like sticking to routines challenging and sometimes get too busy with their activities to be fully present and attentive.
Type 8 – Challengers are motivated by being self-reliant and strong. They encourage kids to grow into courageous leaders and aren’t afraid to let them try and fail. Their strength and energy can sometimes feel demanding or rigid to kids who need to balance strength and resilience with rest and emotional connection.
Type 9 – Peacemakers are motivated by harmony and avoiding conflict. Their warmth and acceptance make children feel loved just as they are. They may have a hard time saying no or following through with consequences. Their challenge is to stay engaged even when it requires conflict.
Grow greater understanding with the Enneagram. Understanding our different internal motivations helped me see that my son wasn’t procrastinating or irresponsible. He was simply processing as his Type 5 (Observer) personality required. He was motivated to master the material before completing the assignment, while my Type 3 (Achiever) approach would have been to create a dazzling presentation first, then worry about content later. While I worried that he wasn’t producing, Taylor was learning and preparing the material. This discovery changed our relationship and how we communicate because it helped me see Taylor as the committed and caring person he is.
Adding the Enneagram to your parenting toolbox can help eliminate stress, disagreements and misunderstandings. It creates stronger bonds by deepening respect for differences and helps parents grow kids into the best versions of themselves instead of striving to be more like Mom or Dad.
Learn more and take a free assessment online at www.EnneagramInstitute.com.
Or, for a faith-based assessment, visit www.YourEnneagramCoach.com.
Jody Lee Cates is a local mom and awardwinning writer who blogs about healthy relationships at www.jodyleecates.com.
