How to Stay Connected in Disconnected Times

Staying connected to friends, family and a supportive community is vital for parents juggling the responsibilities of raising kids during a pandemic. Connection to the outside world reduces stress and anxiety while providing the help and encouragement parents need to manage feelings of overwhelm and frustration. Without those connections, it doesn’t take long before it feels like the wheels are coming off for families in quarantine.

“Even without the pandemic, parenting young children can make you feel isolated,” says Marriage & Family Therapist Devin Price of San Diego. “And if you’re a parent who’s not having regular adult contact, that can take a toll on you.” Making and keeping healthy social connections happened organically pre-COVID. We talked to other adults at the office or gym. Parents spent time together at playdates for kids, cheering from the sidelines at sporting events, and dozens of other ways. Without these naturally occurring opportunities, staying connected while social distancing takes intention, creativity and planning. So how do we stay socially connected in disconnected times?

Be intentional.

Decide what’s important to you, what you’re missing most, and how much risk you’re willing to take to make it happen. Being strategic and deciding what works best for your family is a more realistic and sustainable way to live.

That’s what Cardiff mom Carrie Barrett is doing with her family. “We don’t want to be careless, but we also can’t live in fear,” she says. “We’re choosing to spend time with our core people. Family and close friends who will have our backs (and we’ll have theirs) if any of us get sick.”

There’s no rulebook for living in quarantine. We’re all experimenting, and what works for one parent won’t work for another. Don’t feel pressured to do what someone else is doing and always take into consideration the health needs of your family members. Stay informed about local regulations and outbreaks and adjust plans accordingly.

Get creative.

Connecting safely means getting creative and thinking differently about what it means to be part of a community.

A simple Google search yields a variety of ideas for ways to stay connected online. Use technology to host a virtual dinner party, create a remote book group or workout with friends via livestream exercise classes. Be sure to balance connecting online with personal interaction.

“It’s so easy with social media to feel like we’re connected,” Barrett says. “But I have to take a break to invest in real relationships. My girls and I like to bake cookies and drop them off for friends. We’ll call and say, ‘Hey! We’re out front’ and have a socially distanced in-person visit.”

Sandy Seaman has a group of girlfriends that got together every 2-3 months for years. After the first couple months of quarantine, they started meeting via Zoom; now they get together in person weekly, rotating backyards and bringing their own snacks. “It’s a great way for us to take a break from daily family life and recharge for the week ahead,” she says.

Rethink your definition of connecting.

Social connection doesn’t always mean spending time with friends. It can mean simply being around other people, going to the park or grocery store. Healthy self-care helps people stay grounded and keep connections secure. Parents who push themselves too hard and don’t take breaks risk feeling isolated as their energy runs out and frustration piles up.

“If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to do what you need to do,” says Price. “Tending to your own health makes a positive impression on kids.”

Rancho Peñasquitos mom Cathy Goss went from going to the gym daily to not going at all. “[Going to the gym] was my stress relief,” she says. “I started getting depressed, just waiting for things to return to normal. Then I thought about the example I was setting for my kids, so I asked a friend to hike with me in the mornings. Taking a break and getting outdoors helped restore my balance.”

Plan ahead.

Having something to look forward to can lift spirits and ease feelings of loneliness. Price recommends keeping a schedule and setting weekly markers such as Taco Tuesday or going to the beach every Thursday. “I’m not saying over plan or micro-schedule,” says Price, “but ritualize days when you do certain things. It’s motivating and helps everybody feel less anxious.” Recognize warning signs. Days with no structure or balance and not knowing what you did with your time are indicators that parents may be disconnected. Other warning signs are lingering feelings of anger, emotional fatigue and guilt, lack of sleep, bingewatching TV, and higher consumption of alcohol or drugs.

One San Diego mom knew things were coming undone when her teenage son called her out for turning an occasional Friday night happy hour into a more frequent ritual. “He asked me why Friday martinis were now Saturday, Sunday and Monday martinis. I cringed when he wondered out loud if I had a drinking problem.” It’s an important reminder that the kids are watching. The CDC is encouraging healthcare providers to screen all adult patients for excessive drinking as the stress and isolation of the COVID outbreak continues.

Get help.

Visit Mental Health America for a free anonymous screening for depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other challenges at https://screening. mhanational.org.

For help handling a mental health crisis, call your doctor or San Diego’s Access and Crisis Line to talk with a trained counselor. The toll-free number 1-888-724-7240 is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

By maintaining healthy connections during this time of social distancing, parents can thrive personally and stay emotionally grounded while caring for their families.

Jody Lee Cates is a local mom and awardwinning writer who blogs about healthy relationships at www.jodyleecates.com

For families who have children and young adults (ages 5-25) with special needs, Fred Finch Youth & Family Services offers “wraparound” support for families with special needs in San Diego and Imperial Counties. Wraparound services include strategies and interventions that support stability at home while decreasing behavior challenges. Learn more at www.fredfinch.org/ specialized-wraparound.

October 2020 • SanDiegofamily.com